WEBVTT - Birthday Bucket Lists with Heather Dubrow & Dr Jenn Mann 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:06.320 What Wine Down with Janet Kramer her radio podcast. Seriously, 0:00:06.320 --> 0:00:10.960 how is it March four? What just happens? That is insane? 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:13.920 Jakes is going to be like five. He looks like 0:00:14.680 --> 0:00:18.319 I love him, He's like, he's so precious. He is 0:00:18.360 --> 0:00:23.960 the happiest baby ever ever. I'm literally obsessed with definition 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:27.639 of a happy baby. So, baby, um, what are you 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:31.080 mentioned on right now? What just happened? I just had 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:37.440 a birthday, birthday, babe, my birthday week? So what did 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:39.519 you do? What? What? What did you do for your birthday? 0:00:39.560 --> 0:00:44.760 Tell everybody, Well, my wonderful wife planned a trip to 0:00:44.920 --> 0:00:49.840 Vegas last weekend or my birthday weekend, and all thanks 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:52.000 to Amy Sugarman by the way, all thanks shout out 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:57.240 to and boys to men was like my bucket list 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:00.240 of people to meet. Yeah, so we were. We went 0:01:00.280 --> 0:01:05.119 to Lionel Richie Um with Amy about a year so ago, 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:11.520 like maybe eight months okay whatever, years ago. We went. 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:15.320 I was like October, it's March, guys, I'm just still 0:01:15.360 --> 0:01:20.200 trying to figure that out. I was pregnant. It wasn't 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:22.080 a year ago, but no, So we all went and 0:01:22.080 --> 0:01:24.320 so I said to him, I said, you know who 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:28.039 would be your bucket list person to meet musically musically 0:01:28.080 --> 0:01:30.680 and he said boys to men. So I've kind of 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.000 postmarked that in my in my brain and said, oh. 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:37.560 I was like birthday, that's a great birthday idea. But 0:01:37.680 --> 0:01:39.600 I was like, Amy gotting hookups to boys to men, 0:01:40.959 --> 0:01:44.160 which we do. They are the nicest guys. They actually 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:46.280 hung out with them and we've done multiple things with them. 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:50.840 They are nice. But I surprised him with it, and 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:52.880 did you have fun? I had the best time, Like 0:01:52.920 --> 0:01:54.480 I felt like a little kid. I was just sitting 0:01:54.480 --> 0:01:56.080 there the whole time with a smile on. My videos 0:01:56.120 --> 0:01:58.480 were so funny and Jane was like even kept asking me, 0:01:58.640 --> 0:02:01.600 like you having fun? I was like, you know what, 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:03.920 I can't wait for speaking of boys to men, they're 0:02:03.960 --> 0:02:08.880 doing you know CMT Crossroads. You like that is going 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:11.640 to be That's gonna be so cool. That's cool there. 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:14.200 They just taped it. So yeah, we need to get 0:02:14.200 --> 0:02:16.799 into them on the show. I think March, but I 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:18.880 might be wrong if we can get one of those, 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:21.919 so you know you got to cross that off your list. Yeah, 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:24.640 that was very cool. Boy, two men on the show, 0:02:24.760 --> 0:02:27.959 that would be I mean, I would love that. I've 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:33.880 never seen the thirty dollar you know, the binder that 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:38.520 has the picture of the three. It's like the essentially 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:40.480 like the picture of you on the roller coaster after 0:02:40.520 --> 0:02:42.040 the ride. It was like it was like that before 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:44.160 the meat and great like they give you like to 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:46.919 like three by five for free, and they're like, well, 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.280 you can pay like eighty dollars for this. I was like, hey, honey, 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:52.360 do it like get a crack card up your question. 0:02:52.560 --> 0:02:54.720 I was like, Michael, it's just the photo of the three. 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:57.640 It's like it's gonna the memory. You're not even in it, 0:02:58.639 --> 0:03:01.079 are on the one side, but the other side is 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:06.120 like the picture that Janet posted on Instagram to my 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:08.520 face and she thought it was like a five year 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:10.800 old having ice cream for the first time. I was like, 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:13.280 this is amazing. And we're waiting in line to go 0:03:13.360 --> 0:03:15.440 up and meet him, you know. I was. I don't 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:19.720 get nervous when I meet most people, but it's boys men, 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:22.680 so I was. And so I was like, how do 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:25.079 I do this? I was like, you know, any white 0:03:25.080 --> 0:03:27.399 person going up there and meeting him is like giving 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:29.560 him a handshake for all the brothers are dapping him up. 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:31.120 I was like, come on, I gotta dap him up. 0:03:31.120 --> 0:03:32.320 I'm not just gonna go up there and give him 0:03:32.320 --> 0:03:34.840 I don't know what that means. I don't like I 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:37.400 gotta like, you know, the handshake in to the hug. 0:03:39.840 --> 0:03:42.200 And I wasn't gonna be like, you know, straight hand, Hey, 0:03:42.240 --> 0:03:47.880 how you doing for white person's ound? You know, I 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:50.880 had to give him some love. So what's he's straight up? 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:55.640 Just hugged him all and hugged They are the coolest guy. 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:01.200 How old you thirty two? Oh you're so young. I 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:05.520 know he's so young, eight year old. But still, I mean, 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:08.280 I'm a cougar, so I'm living and I'm over here. 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:15.360 Who would be your bucketless person to meet? Um? Like, 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:17.479 who would you get? Nervous? Life? Sounds so gross? I 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:20.880 mean I've met I've met Taylor Swift and Sho and 0:04:20.920 --> 0:04:23.000 I Twain and that was like really up, that was 0:04:23.120 --> 0:04:25.039 kind of that was up there. There's nobody else, No, 0:04:25.160 --> 0:04:28.640 there definitely are. But give her something because she's a 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:31.839 great friend. Okay, okay, she might try to make this happen. 0:04:34.000 --> 0:04:37.400 I just like to make people's dreams. I'm true. Think 0:04:37.400 --> 0:04:40.840 about it one second. Who's your mark? You guys, we're 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:42.920 going around the table right here. When you meet these people, 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:44.359 I always feel like I don't I won't know the 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:46.599 right thing to say, and it's going to be awkward. 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:49.200 But my two heroes of life are Bruce Springsteen and 0:04:49.240 --> 0:04:52.680 David Letterman. When I was in high school, everyone else 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:55.599 had like, you know, musicians or hot girls their locker. 0:04:56.080 --> 0:05:00.640 David letter magazine coverage, high school locker. But if I 0:05:00.680 --> 0:05:02.480 met him would be so awful because I know he 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:04.920 would hate meeting me because he's just a guy who 0:05:05.640 --> 0:05:10.760 people David. Yeah, he seems surly. Yeah, so I think 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:12.520 you'd hate it, And so I would hate to bother 0:05:12.640 --> 0:05:15.560 him and Springsteen. He's a nice guy. But what am 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:21.280 I going to say that it's better experience with Bruce? 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.440 I think probably right? Yeah, Okay, well let's let's think Amy. 0:05:24.480 --> 0:05:27.039 What about you? I know we meet people every day. 0:05:27.240 --> 0:05:31.080 Person that's like, but I mean, is there the one 0:05:31.160 --> 0:05:33.480 person I would not like to meet her? But I 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:38.120 would really enjoy having a lunch in Santa Barbara with Oprah. 0:05:38.760 --> 0:05:41.840 I have spoken to her on the phone, but I 0:05:41.839 --> 0:05:43.960 have never met her in person, and I like, I 0:05:43.960 --> 0:05:45.760 don't mean to be the person, but she's like literally 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:49.200 the queen, Like I think she's so brilliant and amazing 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:53.200 and kind and all these things. So I always just 0:05:53.200 --> 0:06:03.480 think Oprah Easton and he already met you, honey, yeah yeah, no, no, no, no, 0:06:04.160 --> 0:06:07.240 oh my god. I literally feel really bad right now 0:06:07.279 --> 0:06:12.200 because Travis Barker isn't that blanknity two? Oh god? Why? 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:16.960 I mean here totally had Travis Jianna and he was like, 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:20.039 you say, to my house last weekend. Travis has like 0:06:20.279 --> 0:06:22.960 he's been space. Right now, it looks like a sad 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:26.560 puppy dog. The big thing that will happen, honestly, this 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:29.800 is is that the other one? Oh yeah, okay, that's 0:06:30.040 --> 0:06:34.640 gonna happen really soon. Um alright, lady Gaga. For my 0:06:34.640 --> 0:06:36.840 whole life, it was Britney Spears. But I have like 0:06:36.880 --> 0:06:39.680 a very bizarre story about that that already kind of happened. 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:43.040 That was like my peak of life. You met Brittany. 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:46.440 I went to dinner with her? What really weird? I mean, 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:50.719 how nonchalant was that? Because because I can't she was 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:53.360 totally annoyed during dinner, and I like, how did you 0:06:53.400 --> 0:06:57.800 go to dinner with her? So a couple of years ago, 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:05.119 one of Ty's friends was dating her. Who I can't remember, no, no, Ken. 0:07:05.600 --> 0:07:11.160 It was like two or three years ago that I 0:07:11.160 --> 0:07:15.120 thought I had that. Yeah, And anyways, he basically was like, 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:17.040 would you and like Sarah want to go to dinner 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:19.440 with us? My parents were in town. I had dinner 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:21.600 with my parents. I'm in the car and I'm like, Mom, 0:07:22.400 --> 0:07:23.920 I don't know, Tyler wants me to go to dinner 0:07:23.920 --> 0:07:26.160 with like Britney spe My mom was like, where is he? 0:07:26.160 --> 0:07:28.160 We're dropping you off, like we don't matter, like you're 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:30.600 going and I was like, okay, okay, okay. So we 0:07:30.640 --> 0:07:33.080 went to some steakhouse in the valley and she was 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:38.720 so nice, like so nice. I couldn't breathe. I was 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:40.840 trying to be so that was the first city I 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:42.840 have Burth had. I wanted to be a backup dancer 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:46.240 for it when I was little, know, like it was whack, 0:07:46.840 --> 0:07:49.240 that's in my life. That was like, this is not 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:53.680 real life. She was so nice, she was she's beyond nice. Normal. Well. 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:56.800 I met her manager, Larry Rudolph on a plane. We 0:07:56.800 --> 0:07:59.520 were I was sitting up I think I don't know 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:01.680 how someone I must have been doing something. But I 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:04.040 got up first class and I was saying next to 0:08:04.120 --> 0:08:06.160 Larry Rudolph. I didn't know. I didn't know who he was, 0:08:06.360 --> 0:08:08.560 but we were just chatting about music and stuff and 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:11.760 he's said his name and I was like, that sounds 0:08:11.800 --> 0:08:15.440 so familiar. And then we know, we got talking a 0:08:15.440 --> 0:08:16.920 little more. I was digging a little bit more because 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:19.200 I like to talk. And he told me that he 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:22.400 was Britney Spears as manager, and we started talking about 0:08:22.360 --> 0:08:24.800 Brittany and it just about how hard her life must be. 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:28.280 And He's like, look out, you know over the world 0:08:28.360 --> 0:08:31.239 right now, down there, every single person down there probably 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:33.320 knows who Britney Spears is. And I was like, wow, 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:36.040 that's so true, and like I've obviously been places with 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:37.880 like Wayne and like airports, and I was like, there 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:40.199 was nothing like walking in and out of that restaurant 0:08:40.200 --> 0:08:42.880 with her like Tie and I were just like it 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:46.640 was crazy, but that probably how now Taylor has so 0:08:46.679 --> 0:08:52.480 she's now yeah, I'm sure because it was like, well, 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:54.440 but it was a really nice dinner. She was really nice. 0:08:54.559 --> 0:08:56.439 They asked us to go play ping pong afterwards, and 0:08:56.480 --> 0:08:58.720 Tyson no, and I will literally never forgive him for it. 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:00.360 She was like, do you guys want to come over 0:09:00.400 --> 0:09:06.439 to my house? And play pink yeah the world boy, 0:09:06.640 --> 0:09:10.440 because he was like why did Honestly I don't remember, 0:09:10.640 --> 0:09:15.040 not by the ear, because I was like, you guys 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:16.720 have never seen me the way I was at that dinner. 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:19.160 But honestly, we like related, like we talked about like 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:20.320 like she was like, oh my god, like what are 0:09:20.320 --> 0:09:21.320 you gonna get? And I was like I don't know, 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:22.800 like the fried chicken. She's like, I love fried chicken. 0:09:22.840 --> 0:09:24.199 I was like I do too, Like I'm from Texas, 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:26.480 I'm from Louis So we kind of had that whole thing, 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:30.400 like the like Texas like southern girl thing. But yeah, 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:31.600 she was like, do you guys want to come over? 0:09:32.080 --> 0:09:36.320 I cannot tie socks. I literally I think we actually 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:40.200 probably want to play. I was really like, we know 0:09:40.280 --> 0:09:41.880 we're like her houses and now every time we drive 0:09:41.920 --> 0:09:44.079 by them, like remember when like we could have play 0:09:44.120 --> 0:09:46.400 ping pong and then that's probably And he was like, 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:48.000 you're so competitive it would have called weird. I was 0:09:48.000 --> 0:09:49.640 like I wouldn't let her win, like I don't even care, 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:51.680 like it wouldn't have been weird, like I would have 0:09:51.720 --> 0:09:55.319 turned into a regular ping pong knight. Then she came 0:09:55.400 --> 0:09:59.560 to his graduation party. What whose graduation party his months later. 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:01.600 It was very It was a weird couple of months. 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:04.319 She like showed up at tides graduation party at his 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:08.079 parents house and everyone was like so nice, so nice. Well, 0:10:08.120 --> 0:10:12.520 her sister Jamie Lynn wrote, I Got the Boy. So 0:10:13.000 --> 0:10:17.040 that's how crazy is that? Yeah, so Brittany when when 0:10:17.080 --> 0:10:19.520 when I Got the Boy was going for the number 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:23.160 one on radio because it was number three, Brittney Spears 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:26.640 retweeted or like tweeted out saying, hey, country radio play 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:28.240 and I'll never forget remember when I came to I 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:33.280 was like, she knows my name? You know a song 0:10:33.400 --> 0:10:37.480 from Jamie Lynn. What a good songwriter she's written. She 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:41.440 wrote it with um Connie Harrington, Tim Nichols and Jamie 0:10:41.480 --> 0:10:42.880 Lynn wrote it and so it was a song that 0:10:43.000 --> 0:10:47.080 Jamie Lynn never ended up cutting. And so when my 0:10:47.200 --> 0:10:50.199 old producer Scott Hendrix was with Tim Nichols, he's like, 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:51.720 you know, I have a song that might work for Janna. 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:55.280 It's about five years old, but it's such a great song. 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:56.840 And I heard it and it was you know, I 0:10:56.840 --> 0:10:58.360 was always trying to write a song about my high 0:10:58.400 --> 0:11:04.240 school sweetheart and I never saw like it never Yeah, 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:08.120 so like like no song ever you know that I wrote, 0:11:08.320 --> 0:11:10.599 never worked, but I got the boy. When I heard it, 0:11:10.600 --> 0:11:13.240 I was like, that's that's the song. It is a 0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:16.680 very brilliantly written. It's so I mean, Tim and Connie 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:18.640 are and saying, then Jamie's she's you know, she's just 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:21.800 as equally as talented, and you know, I've I'm so 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:24.040 thankful that she let me have that song. But yeah, 0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:27.200 I love that family. Yeah, but there there's so nice 0:11:27.440 --> 0:11:31.320 they are a nice family. Cool but yeah, story story, Yeah, 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:37.000 that's a great story. And I told I told Janna 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:40.400 just across. Another one off my bucket list is Larry David. 0:11:41.800 --> 0:11:46.679 If you just come to Brentwood. I just want not 0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:48.440 to meet, but have like you said, Amy, like have 0:11:48.480 --> 0:11:50.280 a lunch, Like I just want to have a lunch. 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:52.640 Just come to because then, actually, like Mark, I would 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:55.000 be able to have things to say. But when you 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:58.280 have that, like that one second interaction, there's nothing you 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:00.360 can say that's going to annoy him. The one second interaction. 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:02.960 Wouldn't know it. But I have a conversation and just 0:12:02.960 --> 0:12:06.439 a bullshit about not even asking questions about life with 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:09.880 the perfect person to bullshit about life with the one 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:13.000 who invented that, like that would be the best thing ever. 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:18.160 Wasn't Jerry sign but he yeah, he co created like 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:20.920 Sinfeld with Jerry Sinfeld. Oh my god, this is we're 0:12:21.000 --> 0:12:26.559 learning so much. Who's yours mine? Sleean don Okay, I'll 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:28.240 go We should be able to make that happen. But 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:31.959 she canceled her her her what's that thing called her 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:36.880 residency in Vegas? Maybe part of me. She might be 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:39.520 going on world tour. Really, I'm gonna have to look 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:42.640 it up. But she's she's she's my she's my number one. 0:12:42.679 --> 0:12:46.240 It's it's her. And then j Lo, which those are 0:12:46.320 --> 0:12:49.439 very j Loo can be done in a heartbeat, and 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:53.000 twelve times all of these are in Vegas, so I 0:12:53.040 --> 0:12:56.120 think we should go back. Jo's done in Vegas. But Batt, 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:59.520 she's done in Vegas. She finished her residency, so yeah, 0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:02.960 those are And then acting actor wise, I would love 0:13:03.080 --> 0:13:05.920 to I'd actually love to sit down and have lunch 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:08.120 with um Julia Roberts. She'd be, she'd be in my 0:13:08.200 --> 0:13:13.400 lunch person. She's just so I love her. She's just be. 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:16.240 When we were at Pebble, we got hooked on Pretty 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:17.960 Woman was on that night and I had never seen 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:19.839 and like we're like at the end and Tiz like 0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:23.200 so wait now like now they're in. I was like, 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:26.200 just go away, like this is classic and I just 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:28.800 need to say every word while I watch it. But 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:31.480 I love her speaking at tie. It's March, No, biggie, 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:37.400 what's happening? Amy, I don't even know. And I talked 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:40.040 to him. I was going to say, Janney that I do. 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:42.280 You can say that. You can say that, but I 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:44.679 don't think say what, like have you found out? All right? 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:49.480 We know Mark is going to be like I have 0:13:49.480 --> 0:13:52.320 an idea, Mark, can you mute the mics for a 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:55.480 second so that Jeanna so that all the mics are 0:13:55.520 --> 0:13:57.760 down Janna can tell us what she found out and 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:00.719 then we can react to it. Oh but there, then 0:14:00.800 --> 0:14:02.679 that's just not nice to the people. You know. You 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:04.400 got to give the people what they want. Me and 0:14:04.440 --> 0:14:07.840 I have to get I don't think it was anything crazy. 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:10.439 I'm just saying like maybe not like I'm trying to 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:12.440 think of like what even happened. I was just let 0:14:12.520 --> 0:14:14.680 me know. Let me just say I went to the bathroom. 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:17.520 She went to the bathroom. I forced her to the bathroom. 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:20.320 Now I need to seven texts from her. I was 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:21.720 in the bathroom and she's like, go to the bathroom, 0:14:21.840 --> 0:14:23.720 Stay in the bathroom, Stay in the bathroom. I'm like, 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:25.600 I don't have Like I'm coming back. She's like stay. 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:27.440 I'm like what, I was just trying to get it 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:29.440 out of him. Long story short, he just doesn't have 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:33.280 the urgency. He has something well maybe I don't know, 0:14:33.640 --> 0:14:37.080 way it's positive. Maybe well no, here's nothing I didn't 0:14:37.120 --> 0:14:40.080 really already know. But I feel like she for him 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:42.640 to I don't know. He just doesn't have the urgency 0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:46.480 he needs to get. The urgency is basically what it is. Yeah, 0:14:46.520 --> 0:14:49.720 but you know what hateful emails. Then I'm not supportive 0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:53.800 of what you want enough you hateful? Like, how dare 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.720 you amy? You need to support what Sarah wants? I'm 0:14:56.720 --> 0:15:02.240 I'm just trying to have ties back. Listen, people hate, 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:04.520 they're gonna hate on it, and there's people just hate. 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:06.200 But I'll tell you what you shouldn't hate on is 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:09.240 being fit. All right, So getting fit and staying healthy 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:11.720 always sounds easier said than done, right, Well, open fit 0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:14.200 is bringing you something new that makes it even easier 0:15:14.240 --> 0:15:17.280 to miss, to never miss a sweat session. So Basically, 0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:20.080 open fit is a super simple streaming service that allows 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:21.760 you to work out from the comfort of your living 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:23.600 room and as little as ten minutes a day. So 0:15:23.680 --> 0:15:25.400 when people say I don't have enough time, I don't 0:15:25.440 --> 0:15:27.680 have thirty minutes, I don't have an hour, You've got 0:15:27.680 --> 0:15:31.280 ten minutes. Okay. Everyone's bodies are different. Open Fit gets that. 0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:34.240 That's why it's personalized your needs with custom original content. 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:36.000 So open Fit classes are led by some of the 0:15:36.040 --> 0:15:39.520 most effective and engaging trainers in the world. Um, you 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:43.320 can watch it on your TV, your tablet, smartphone, Roku, whatever. 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:46.280 My favorite program actually is the six hundred Seconds with 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:49.400 Devin Wiggins. It's ten minutes, it burns fat, it builds muscle, 0:15:49.400 --> 0:15:52.000 and it sculpts your body for free. So all you 0:15:52.040 --> 0:15:53.920 have to do right now is during the open Fit 0:15:54.000 --> 0:15:56.640 thirty Day Challenge, my listeners get a special extended thirty 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:58.880 day free trial membership to open fit where you can 0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:01.120 lose up to fifteen pound in thirty days. When you 0:16:01.160 --> 0:16:04.560 text Joanna to thirty you will get full access to 0:16:04.560 --> 0:16:08.440 open fit, all the workouts and nutrition information totally free. Again. 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:12.600 Just text jannat Okay. So I'm really excited because Michael 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:15.640 and I have been kind of going back and forth 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:17.920 on a few different diets. So I was super pumped 0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:19.640 when I found out that Heather do Bro is in 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:24.440 the studio and she just walked in. So Heather, guys, 0:16:24.440 --> 0:16:27.120 thanks for having me, Thank you so much for coming in. 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:29.800 We were talking about this well. Once we knew that 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:31.840 you were coming in, we obviously started doing the research 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:35.560 on the Dobro diet. And because we started doing the 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:38.520 whole thirty, I changed it to Wine thirty because I 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:43.000 didn't want to give up my wine. And he yeah, 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:45.920 we created a little bit. So what made you? I mean, 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:49.440 basically create your own diets. You it's your last name, 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:53.160 it's your right diet. We didn't actually intend to write 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:55.280 a book about this because our last book was all 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:57.400 about anti aging and whatnot, and we were talking about, like, 0:16:57.400 --> 0:16:59.080 you know, what's next book. We were thinking about it. 0:16:59.400 --> 0:17:01.720 But what happened was about three and a half years ago, 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:05.800 Terry started talking about fasting and I was like, that's crazy, 0:17:05.960 --> 0:17:09.200 you fast. That's like that's like skinny tired people. That 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:11.520 sounds very unhealthy. It sounds like people laying on a couch. 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:13.480 And then we started talking about it and I realized 0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:16.800 I was doing it just in my regular life, because 0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:18.080 he was like, well, what time did you stop eating 0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:19.919 last night? And what time did you start eating today? 0:17:20.200 --> 0:17:22.080 And so we started really talking about the science of 0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:23.960 it and delving into it and figuring out how to 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:26.119 make it work. And then, you know, Terry, being the 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:28.560 science nerd that he has, started looking up this Nobel 0:17:28.680 --> 0:17:32.240 Prize winning um concept of auto f agy, which is 0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:35.760 basically the Greek word for eating oneself. And we started 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:37.800 working on this and came up with this idea that 0:17:37.880 --> 0:17:42.439 sixteen hours seems to be the goal of not eating. 0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:44.560 But the thing is is that we did it. We 0:17:44.600 --> 0:17:47.000 started doing it in a way that was really attainable 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:50.520 and sustainable. And what we realized was, not only are 0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:52.240 you going to get to your goal weight super fast, 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:55.080 but you're gonna have more energy than you ever had 0:17:55.119 --> 0:17:57.480 in your life. It makes your skin tighter, makes your 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:00.800 hair grow, I mean, it has all these incredible anti 0:18:00.920 --> 0:18:05.560 aging effects. Sixteen hours from when to when it doesn't matter, okay, 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:08.280 but time out. What if it was during the day, though, 0:18:08.359 --> 0:18:10.359 that's fine, but then you're working and then you're not. 0:18:10.400 --> 0:18:13.159 Your body is not. So if you're not eating for 0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:15.480 sixteen hours during the day, wouldn't you just pass out? 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:19.320 Because so, no, But the smarter way to do it, 0:18:19.520 --> 0:18:22.320 we'd have part of it being your sleep hours, clearly, 0:18:22.320 --> 0:18:26.080 because those are eight hours or for probably five hours 0:18:26.160 --> 0:18:28.399 wherever we're not we're not sleeping, So for sure you 0:18:28.400 --> 0:18:30.800 want to use your sleep hours and then add on 0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:33.400 the other time. But we give you three different tracks 0:18:33.760 --> 0:18:35.720 to make it work, so you can do a slow, medium, 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:37.960 or fast. So it's twelve, fourteen, or sixteen hours, but 0:18:38.040 --> 0:18:41.639 clearly that sixteen hours sweet spot is the way to 0:18:41.680 --> 0:18:45.720 go to get the best best results. Okay, And do 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:47.560 you like I'm saying it too, and you think it's 0:18:47.560 --> 0:18:50.879 not doable, right, Well, I'm trying to think. So we 0:18:50.960 --> 0:18:53.040 wake up at you go to bed. Let's say, what 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:57.080 are you done eating at night? We have dinner at six, 0:18:57.680 --> 0:19:01.680 so you're done by seven and we're done eating. Okay, Yeah, 0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:05.160 so twelve hours is seven am, and then you add 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:07.400 four more hours. Oh my gosh, but then you don't. 0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:11.520 Isn't breakfast the most important meal? It's not. It's absolutely not. 0:19:11.600 --> 0:19:13.360 And what happens is and Terry is really good at 0:19:13.440 --> 0:19:16.040 at explaining all the science behind it in the book 0:19:16.200 --> 0:19:19.520 but it's about basically using your gly kitchen as storage. 0:19:19.560 --> 0:19:23.480 So you're you're using your fat and your sugars that 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:26.439 are in your body already to as fuel as opposed 0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:28.119 to the food that you're eating. Like, we also believe 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:30.160 in cardio fasting. So when I go to the gym 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:32.840 in the morning, I haven't eaten. But what we do 0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:35.320 is we get I'm sorry, it's just so hard for 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:37.000 me because of my trainers always like you have to 0:19:37.000 --> 0:19:42.000 eat before you work out. Important. As a matter of fact, 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:44.520 it's so much better to work out not having eaten. 0:19:44.560 --> 0:19:47.719 But during that non feeding time you can have up 0:19:47.720 --> 0:19:50.400 to a hundred calories. So if you're putting a little 0:19:50.440 --> 0:19:52.280 non dairy creamer in your coffee, we give you lots 0:19:52.280 --> 0:19:56.560 of tips to get through this bone broth, bullion energy, 0:19:56.880 --> 0:19:59.919 natural energy drinks like Beat drinks and stuff like that. 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:01.320 That's what I do. I have a Beat drink in 0:20:01.359 --> 0:20:03.680 the morning. An empty stomach, and an empty stom doesn't 0:20:03.720 --> 0:20:07.000 make you go well, by the way, going is good, 0:20:07.160 --> 0:20:13.680 that's true. That's all plus. And then drop my kids off, 0:20:13.760 --> 0:20:15.639 go to the gym, come back and I have my 0:20:15.680 --> 0:20:19.800 first meal at a round two. Wow. See, I feel 0:20:19.800 --> 0:20:22.320 like that would just I'd be so tired, I would lag, 0:20:22.560 --> 0:20:24.960 I would I mean, I just feel like to me, 0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:27.040 to me that just And again I don't. I'm not 0:20:27.119 --> 0:20:29.720 the nutritionalists. I don't. I don't know. I've just always 0:20:29.720 --> 0:20:33.920 gone off of what I've known and heard. And that's 0:20:33.920 --> 0:20:35.840 why it sounds so counterinto it if you think not 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.320 eating equals tired, but it really doesn't. Have to think 0:20:39.320 --> 0:20:43.040 about this. Think about when people were hunting and gathering, Okay, 0:20:43.359 --> 0:20:46.960 when they had to find food. They were starving, right, 0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:49.919 So you get this burst of energy to go find 0:20:49.960 --> 0:20:52.879 the food, and then they eat, and then they're tired, 0:20:53.359 --> 0:20:56.000 and then they relax. They're not snacking. You know, when 0:20:56.000 --> 0:20:57.840 they were hunting and gathering, they weren't stopping to, you know, 0:20:58.160 --> 0:21:01.399 have a handful of almonds at two o'clock in the afternoon. 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:04.000 They didn't do that. They would not eat and then eat. 0:21:04.080 --> 0:21:07.199 I think as humans, we were meant to live like that, 0:21:07.240 --> 0:21:09.639 and our bodies actually reacts that. So even though it 0:21:09.720 --> 0:21:12.800 sounds counter into, the science is there and the practicality 0:21:12.840 --> 0:21:15.160 is there, and you'll see we have thousands of people 0:21:15.200 --> 0:21:17.280 now on the diet that are saying they've had more 0:21:17.440 --> 0:21:20.240 energy than like I don't even drink coffee. So because 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:23.520 of y'all's like scientific method behind all this, do you 0:21:23.520 --> 0:21:26.119 think y'alls died is less subjective than maybe some others, 0:21:26.200 --> 0:21:28.720 Like do you think this could affect and help a 0:21:28.920 --> 0:21:32.520 broader range of of an audience because of the science 0:21:32.560 --> 0:21:35.480 behind it. Absolutely, I think this is good for almost 0:21:35.560 --> 0:21:38.760 I mean there's a little category like a brittle diabetic. 0:21:39.240 --> 0:21:41.720 I wouldn't recommend this for it, but anyone else a 0:21:41.920 --> 0:21:45.159 h can do this diet. And what's nice about it 0:21:45.280 --> 0:21:48.240 is it's sustainable, because I truly believe that every diet 0:21:48.280 --> 0:21:51.080 works for a period of time, but they're not sustainable. 0:21:51.480 --> 0:21:54.199 You know that Keto diet. I watched my assistant go 0:21:54.240 --> 0:21:56.320 on that Keto diet and she was chugging oil in 0:21:56.359 --> 0:21:59.040 the car next to me. It was so gross and 0:21:59.600 --> 0:22:01.840 very It takes you to get out of catosis and 0:22:01.880 --> 0:22:04.080 get off that diet. So what we did was, like 0:22:04.080 --> 0:22:05.719 I was saying, we didn't really plan to write this, 0:22:05.800 --> 0:22:08.280 but we came up with this program for each other 0:22:08.920 --> 0:22:11.280 and we started living this life. And my husband just 0:22:11.320 --> 0:22:14.880 turned sixty. I just turned fifty, haven't had plastic surgery, 0:22:15.160 --> 0:22:18.240 you know, just all the non surgical sluges to anti aging. 0:22:18.320 --> 0:22:21.080 But notice how tight our skin was getting. And you 0:22:21.080 --> 0:22:23.880 know I wear a bikini now. At thirty, I wouldn't 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:25.920 post a picture in a bikini, but now I feel 0:22:26.080 --> 0:22:29.200 so much more confident because of what this way of 0:22:29.240 --> 0:22:31.399 eating and living has done for me. So people are like, 0:22:31.400 --> 0:22:33.440 how do you guys look like this? And we thought, 0:22:33.480 --> 0:22:36.520 all right, let's write it down. So that's literally how 0:22:36.560 --> 0:22:39.120 you guys did them. So there's no So you're so, 0:22:39.440 --> 0:22:42.600 have you worked with the nutritionalist too, to kind of 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:45.440 how do you say that? Like? Back it up? What's 0:22:45.760 --> 0:22:48.159 professional background? You and Terry know? So Terry is a 0:22:48.200 --> 0:22:51.040 board certified general surgeon and plastic surgeons, so he has 0:22:51.080 --> 0:22:53.640 all the science. And of course me being an actor's 0:22:53.680 --> 0:22:57.879 television personality and huge consumer and professional diet or since 0:22:58.080 --> 0:23:01.960 gaining the freshman, you know, for whenever I overachieved in 0:23:02.000 --> 0:23:04.480 that subject. Um, you know, I've been on every diet 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:06.760 on the Plan, I've done Weight Watchers, Neutral System, Jenny Gary, 0:23:06.760 --> 0:23:08.639 I've been on all of them. And like I'm saying, 0:23:08.760 --> 0:23:11.399 I think every diet for a period of time works, 0:23:11.400 --> 0:23:15.000 But we're talking about attainability and sustainability. This is actually 0:23:15.080 --> 0:23:19.280 a lifetime plan. So Terry has really dialed in the 0:23:19.320 --> 0:23:22.240 science of why this is gonna work for you, and 0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:25.119 I have made it incredibly practical so you can do it. 0:23:25.680 --> 0:23:28.440 What about the people that say scientifically proven and all 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:30.679 the studies they've done about having breakfast in the morning 0:23:30.760 --> 0:23:33.439 and in doing that, Like, what is what do you 0:23:33.480 --> 0:23:36.000 say to that, like to the evidence that they've had 0:23:36.200 --> 0:23:38.919 from that, I don't know what that. I mean. I 0:23:38.920 --> 0:23:40.639 haven't done a lot of studies on that, but I 0:23:40.640 --> 0:23:43.800 will tell you for our diet book, the studies are there, 0:23:43.840 --> 0:23:47.080 the sciences there, but even better than that, the practicalities there. 0:23:47.160 --> 0:23:49.200 So when we put the book together, we put a 0:23:49.280 --> 0:23:51.840 hundred people in a closed Facebook group, we put them 0:23:51.880 --> 0:23:55.040 on the diet, and they lost between thirty and ninety 0:23:55.240 --> 0:23:58.400 pounds wow, in a four to six month period of time. 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:00.639 And one couple that we took on the news with 0:24:00.720 --> 0:24:03.120 us when we're doing segments with Greg and Tammy Hon 0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:07.119 he is almost at a hundred pound weight loss. Can 0:24:07.160 --> 0:24:09.359 you give our listeners just a breakdown of one day, 0:24:09.400 --> 0:24:11.000 an example of one day of what it looks like 0:24:11.000 --> 0:24:12.600 when you wake up in the morning. Yeah, well, let 0:24:12.640 --> 0:24:14.560 me break it into like the steps so you start 0:24:14.600 --> 0:24:17.040 with this red carpet ready, which is your quick fix. 0:24:17.400 --> 0:24:19.280 So you can use this as your start up for 0:24:19.320 --> 0:24:21.000 the diet. You can use it as you know you 0:24:21.040 --> 0:24:22.879 have a big like the oscars are coming up. You 0:24:22.880 --> 0:24:25.000 could use this for a big event that's coming up, 0:24:25.040 --> 0:24:26.560 or if you kind of get off track, to get 0:24:26.600 --> 0:24:29.199 back on track. It's two to five days. It's a 0:24:29.240 --> 0:24:33.080 more limited food list. There's no alcohol only for those 0:24:33.080 --> 0:24:35.360 two to five days. Don't make a face, It's okay. 0:24:35.400 --> 0:24:38.159 It's a very very very short period of times. This 0:24:38.280 --> 0:24:40.760 is just a couple of days. Um, and so you 0:24:40.800 --> 0:24:43.560 do that for two fights. And that's so. Is there 0:24:43.560 --> 0:24:47.119 carbs down there anything like that? There are when you 0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:50.240 are in your feeding period. You we give you food 0:24:50.280 --> 0:24:51.760 list for each phase of the diet. So there's the 0:24:51.760 --> 0:24:53.800 red carpet ready. Then there's the Summer's coming, which is 0:24:53.840 --> 0:24:55.280 the bulk of the diet that's going to take you 0:24:55.320 --> 0:25:00.000 to the goal. There's alcohol. Girls gotta have her Champs. 0:25:00.000 --> 0:25:02.640 I have. It's my red wine. I get it. By 0:25:02.640 --> 0:25:04.680 the way, I have four kids. I have to drink. Yeah, 0:25:04.680 --> 0:25:05.800 I have to. We have to. And we have an 0:25:05.800 --> 0:25:07.959 eleven week old. So I'm like, you have an eleven 0:25:08.000 --> 0:25:10.800 week old. You look fabulous. Ridiculous. Yeah, it's crazy. See 0:25:10.800 --> 0:25:14.240 that's genetics. We almost it's just hard work. That's no, 0:25:14.359 --> 0:25:17.440 it's great. I love it. It's but some people need 0:25:17.600 --> 0:25:21.520 more guidelines, and so we give you the foodless and 0:25:21.560 --> 0:25:23.720 the second part is a little more expanded. You get 0:25:23.760 --> 0:25:26.440 to have your alcohol back. And then in the last 0:25:26.440 --> 0:25:29.240 phase is the maintenance program, which is more expanded foodless 0:25:29.240 --> 0:25:31.960 and whatnot. But in general on these food lists are 0:25:32.320 --> 0:25:37.240 really good lean proteins, vegetables, certain fruits that you know 0:25:37.320 --> 0:25:40.880 have a lower sugar content, which fruits because I'm really 0:25:40.880 --> 0:25:42.680 big on fruits and the truths. Could I eat like 0:25:42.880 --> 0:25:45.639 my favorite food or sour cherries, that's one of the 0:25:45.680 --> 0:25:50.360 best fruits for you. I like grapefruit. Um, strawberries are 0:25:50.400 --> 0:25:53.679 really good. Um. There's so many fruits you can have. 0:25:53.760 --> 0:25:56.480 I would stay away from bananas. Yeah, bananas, I heard 0:25:56.520 --> 0:25:59.040 were why is that? It's a lot of sugar, right, 0:25:59.080 --> 0:26:01.560 there's a lot of sugar to really dense a lot 0:26:01.560 --> 0:26:03.240 of I was told if you eat a banana day, 0:26:03.240 --> 0:26:05.440 you can gain five pounds, Is that right? I never 0:26:05.560 --> 0:26:08.600 read it in Cosmo. I don't know you read it 0:26:08.640 --> 0:26:15.200 in Cosmo. It must be true. That's hilarious. Um So anyway, 0:26:15.240 --> 0:26:16.639 so we give you these foods and as far as 0:26:16.720 --> 0:26:20.800 carbs go, really good high fiber carbs and limits on 0:26:21.280 --> 0:26:24.000 the portions is what I have always found. And I 0:26:24.040 --> 0:26:25.639 do this with my kids. And I'm sure, how old 0:26:25.680 --> 0:26:28.240 are your kids? Three in eleven weeks? Okay, so you're 0:26:28.480 --> 0:26:29.959 so you're not there yet, but way to you take 0:26:30.000 --> 0:26:31.679 them to the movies and they want the whole box. 0:26:32.040 --> 0:26:35.000 That's my husband, and you have well, let me let 0:26:35.000 --> 0:26:37.439 me help husband. So what I do? I think he 0:26:37.440 --> 0:26:41.320 starts with what he starts with his raisinets during the previews, 0:26:41.600 --> 0:26:43.359 and then he eats the popcorn and then he'll have 0:26:44.880 --> 0:26:49.600 in the popcorn every time, but it's usually raisin uts 0:26:49.640 --> 0:26:53.399 and sour patch kids. And then he downs his diet. 0:26:53.480 --> 0:26:55.720 That's only a drink, soda or any of that. But 0:26:55.760 --> 0:26:57.680 that's okay, you're allowed to do that. You see, we 0:26:57.800 --> 0:27:01.800 build cheating into the diet because, yeah, you have to cheat. 0:27:01.880 --> 0:27:05.280 It's unrealistic. So whether you're on the slow, medium or 0:27:05.359 --> 0:27:07.480 fast track. If you're on the slow track, you get 0:27:07.520 --> 0:27:09.760 a cheat snack a week. If you're on the medium track, 0:27:09.800 --> 0:27:11.880 you get a cheat meal a week, and if you're 0:27:11.880 --> 0:27:14.560 on the fast track, medium and then fast two to 0:27:14.600 --> 0:27:16.520 five days right, No, No, the two to five days 0:27:16.560 --> 0:27:19.240 is just the little quick start. Then the middle part 0:27:19.320 --> 0:27:20.720 is as long as it takes to get to your 0:27:20.760 --> 0:27:23.439 goal weight. So you choose twelve, fourteen or sixteen hours. 0:27:23.800 --> 0:27:25.960 You get a cheat snack, cheap meal, or cheap day, 0:27:26.040 --> 0:27:28.440 depending on what track you're on. But here's the thing. 0:27:28.840 --> 0:27:30.879 You have to understand cheating. And this is why we're 0:27:30.880 --> 0:27:32.880 talking about portion control. Like I turn over the box 0:27:32.920 --> 0:27:34.719 and I show my kids not the calories, but the 0:27:34.760 --> 0:27:38.280 serving size, because I think, especially the Americans, we don't 0:27:38.359 --> 0:27:42.160 understand what a portion looks like. Explained to to her 0:27:42.520 --> 0:27:45.840 about what we just had it, remember lunch, and you're like, 0:27:45.960 --> 0:27:49.440 now I see why Americans are overweight. Oh we went 0:27:49.480 --> 0:27:53.679 to uh the restaurant? Where were we in Nashville? Cold Rafferty. 0:27:53.960 --> 0:27:57.200 It's like a Chilies or Applebee's right chain kind. Yeah, 0:27:57.200 --> 0:27:59.520 we sit down, we all order salads which are gint 0:27:59.600 --> 0:28:02.320 Norman right, the biggest bowl you ever seen. And when 0:28:02.400 --> 0:28:04.159 we first sit down, we all order a drink. I 0:28:04.160 --> 0:28:06.280 happen to order a diet coke before we even were 0:28:06.320 --> 0:28:12.000 a quarter. No, not you got me before we before 0:28:12.040 --> 0:28:14.000 any of us were even a quarterway through our drink, 0:28:14.080 --> 0:28:16.680 they brought all of us a second one. So it's 0:28:16.720 --> 0:28:18.560 like we're like, we didn't even ask, but it's just 0:28:18.600 --> 0:28:20.439 like we're sitting down, we have two diet cokes, a 0:28:20.480 --> 0:28:23.320 giant salad that has all the all over it, and 0:28:23.359 --> 0:28:24.800 it's like, what do you want us to do? Of course, 0:28:24.840 --> 0:28:27.679 America's because they're trying to give value, and that's the 0:28:27.680 --> 0:28:29.440 problem is that they want to give us so much 0:28:29.520 --> 0:28:32.359 value for you know, our money, So they want to 0:28:32.400 --> 0:28:34.919 give you this huge portion. And salads at these places 0:28:34.960 --> 0:28:37.480 are like ten thousand calories, right, and they've got so 0:28:37.560 --> 0:28:39.680 much stuff. People don't understand that I'm meeting us out. 0:28:39.680 --> 0:28:41.360 I'm like, yeah, but you just put all that dressing 0:28:41.360 --> 0:28:44.800 on it, which and all the right all the toppings 0:28:44.840 --> 0:28:46.920 on it. So what we're trying to do is reprogram 0:28:46.920 --> 0:28:49.200 people to eat like humans. So when I say cheat, 0:28:49.280 --> 0:28:52.600 I don't mean go to a buffet and gorgeous. It's 0:28:52.640 --> 0:28:54.200 like have the things you love. So if you're in 0:28:54.200 --> 0:28:56.280 your cheat day and you want cake, have a sliced cake, 0:28:56.440 --> 0:28:58.760 don't eat the whole cake, have pasta, but have a 0:28:58.800 --> 0:29:02.120 normal human size bowl posta. So I have a piece 0:29:02.120 --> 0:29:05.360 of dark chocolate a little square every single night after 0:29:05.440 --> 0:29:07.440 I eat. Is that okay? Well it's not really on 0:29:07.480 --> 0:29:11.320 our giet, but once a week you can have it, Okay, 0:29:11.960 --> 0:29:15.200 I will say, though, it's it's nice, like we did. 0:29:15.240 --> 0:29:16.960 Did you try that? Did you like the whole thirty 0:29:17.080 --> 0:29:18.640 or did not like the whole third? I didn't. That 0:29:18.720 --> 0:29:20.800 wasn't my thing. Wasn't your thing? I mean we we 0:29:20.840 --> 0:29:23.840 definitely tried it, but it just it wasn't I'm excited 0:29:23.880 --> 0:29:26.240 to I do want to try this. There wasn't sustainable 0:29:26.280 --> 0:29:29.000 with two kids or two young kids. But that's the thing, 0:29:29.040 --> 0:29:31.360 is that all these programs are just not sustainable. I 0:29:31.360 --> 0:29:35.000 remember being on I think it was um Nutral system 0:29:35.040 --> 0:29:37.680 and they would give dehydrated food and I remember being 0:29:37.680 --> 0:29:39.760 at a restaurant like it when it was twenty three 0:29:39.800 --> 0:29:43.200 and pouring hot water over a dehydrated hamburger at a restaurant. 0:29:43.600 --> 0:29:46.640 Is that that's not realistic? You can't live like that? 0:29:46.920 --> 0:29:49.120 How is it with because whole thirty whole thing, there's 0:29:49.160 --> 0:29:50.960 a lot of like meal prep and that's why we 0:29:51.040 --> 0:29:53.720 ultimately after like two and a half weeks, we can't 0:29:53.760 --> 0:29:57.360 do this like with a three year old and kids 0:29:57.360 --> 0:29:59.400 got sick, it's like, we can't do this. Is there 0:29:59.440 --> 0:30:03.720 any at Well? I think in general meal prepping is 0:30:03.760 --> 0:30:07.280 a good thing anyway, just because you know, when you are, 0:30:07.320 --> 0:30:09.640 you know, hungry, you make bad choices. That's why you 0:30:09.640 --> 0:30:11.680 should never go to the supermarket when you're starving, you 0:30:11.720 --> 0:30:14.000 know this, because then you, oh, that looks good, and 0:30:14.040 --> 0:30:15.880 you end up with all this stuff you really don't want. 0:30:16.280 --> 0:30:19.320 I'm meal prep as far as vegetables and fruits go. 0:30:19.480 --> 0:30:22.040 That are always in the refrigerator, so there's easy things 0:30:22.080 --> 0:30:24.520 to grab quick that are healthy if you need them, 0:30:24.560 --> 0:30:27.040 because if you don't have those, and especially when you 0:30:27.040 --> 0:30:29.880 have young kids, you end up eating their snacks. That 0:30:29.920 --> 0:30:32.960 little bag of pirate booty, that little bag I have, Um, 0:30:33.000 --> 0:30:35.800 I have a thing of hers in my bag because 0:30:35.840 --> 0:30:38.080 it was like, oh it's there, it's easy, and that's 0:30:38.080 --> 0:30:40.040 what you grab. But if you had this other stuff 0:30:40.080 --> 0:30:42.520 ready and available to you, you'd grab that. That's so true. 0:30:42.600 --> 0:30:45.600 So I do like the being prepared things. Having said that, 0:30:45.840 --> 0:30:48.800 do I think you need to have twelve meals organized 0:30:48.880 --> 0:30:50.720 ready to go for the week. No. And Terry and 0:30:50.760 --> 0:30:53.840 I also eat out a lot, so you can absolutely 0:30:53.880 --> 0:30:56.560 eat out on this story. Hasn't married for we've been married. 0:30:56.600 --> 0:30:59.160 It's actually our twenty year wedding anniversary and June. But 0:30:59.200 --> 0:31:02.040 we've been together twenty two years. And what's your kind 0:31:02.080 --> 0:31:04.480 of secret with with especially with you guys both being 0:31:04.480 --> 0:31:07.600 in the spotlight as well? Separate bathrooms for sure. I 0:31:07.680 --> 0:31:11.800 cannot share a bathroom, bad idea. You know that I 0:31:11.840 --> 0:31:17.320 like separate things. We do. We have that with separate toilets. Yes, 0:31:17.880 --> 0:31:23.000 twenty two years, trust me, something we have separate We 0:31:23.120 --> 0:31:25.040 kind of like we have a boot bathroom. That what 0:31:25.200 --> 0:31:26.960 you send him in the other room. I like that 0:31:27.120 --> 0:31:31.520 totally work. Same idea. Yeah, So I think what we've 0:31:31.560 --> 0:31:34.440 done well over the years, and look, you know, it's 0:31:34.440 --> 0:31:36.720 a leap of faith. You can try your best to 0:31:36.800 --> 0:31:38.640 pick the right partner, but you don't know what life 0:31:38.960 --> 0:31:40.240 is going to throw to you and how you're going 0:31:40.320 --> 0:31:42.360 to grow together apart. So you know, we have been 0:31:42.480 --> 0:31:44.680 very lucky. But I think one of the things that 0:31:44.720 --> 0:31:47.560 we've done well is we have made a concentrated effort 0:31:47.640 --> 0:31:50.920 to make our relationship a priority. You always have date 0:31:51.000 --> 0:31:54.320 nights and make sure we are having sex. We um 0:31:54.440 --> 0:31:56.360 we find things to do together now some people like 0:31:56.360 --> 0:31:59.320 to hike together, or some people you know, have hobbies together, 0:31:59.480 --> 0:32:01.160 and you get the two of you sitting here behind 0:32:01.160 --> 0:32:04.120 the mics. We like to work together. So Terry has 0:32:04.200 --> 0:32:06.800 his career obviously is a plastic surgeon. He's bodged. I 0:32:06.840 --> 0:32:09.680 have my career, my podcast, Had to Brows World, YouTube 0:32:09.720 --> 0:32:13.760 channel and TV things, and we together. We have our 0:32:13.800 --> 0:32:16.320 skincare and supplement line, Console Beauty that we sell at 0:32:16.320 --> 0:32:19.440 a shopping channel and we are going our four year 0:32:19.440 --> 0:32:21.520 anniversary with that. We write books together. We have a 0:32:21.520 --> 0:32:24.920 podcast together, Dr Mrs Guinea Pig. So that's our Isn't 0:32:24.920 --> 0:32:27.680 that weird? That's like our fun stuff together is creating things. No, 0:32:27.840 --> 0:32:30.040 that's the same with us. And we love kind of 0:32:30.080 --> 0:32:32.880 building this brand and and you know, doing the podcast together. 0:32:32.880 --> 0:32:34.520 We have something else really exciting that we're doing together. 0:32:34.560 --> 0:32:36.280 It's just like we're trying to build that because it's fun. 0:32:36.320 --> 0:32:39.200 We enjoy working together, but also having what you guys, 0:32:39.320 --> 0:32:41.520 your separate time as well. You have to because I 0:32:41.560 --> 0:32:43.720 think you need something to talk about it the end 0:32:43.720 --> 0:32:45.760 of the day and if you're together. Although I've seen 0:32:45.800 --> 0:32:48.480 couples make this work who are together all the time, 0:32:49.040 --> 0:32:50.920 but for me, personally, I feel like it's always been 0:32:50.960 --> 0:32:53.400 really important that he does his thing. I do my thing, 0:32:53.520 --> 0:32:57.959 and then there's like more layers to talk about being 0:32:57.960 --> 0:33:00.280 a plastic surgeon. Have you ever, I mean, you said 0:33:00.280 --> 0:33:02.239 you happen to any plastic surgery, But what's the one 0:33:02.280 --> 0:33:04.000 thing where you were kind of like, hey, honey, maybe, 0:33:04.160 --> 0:33:06.440 Oh it's every morning. I'm like, I need an emergency 0:33:06.480 --> 0:33:08.560 deck left and I have a bump on my nose 0:33:08.600 --> 0:33:09.920 when I turned to the left. That's why I always 0:33:09.960 --> 0:33:11.280 take pictures to the right, because when I turned to 0:33:11.280 --> 0:33:12.760 the left, I don't like this bump bump my nose. 0:33:12.800 --> 0:33:18.200 He's like, uh huh, basically ignores me and moves on. 0:33:18.400 --> 0:33:21.000 But you're just you. You just decided to know you 0:33:21.000 --> 0:33:23.520 don't want to do it. Well, I never say never, 0:33:23.880 --> 0:33:26.160 but um, you know, he fixed my hernie. I had 0:33:26.160 --> 0:33:28.560 an umbilical hernia, so he fixed that for me. And 0:33:28.560 --> 0:33:30.280 while he was there, he cleaned up my C section scar. 0:33:30.360 --> 0:33:32.440 That was very nice. I was that considered plastic surgery, 0:33:32.720 --> 0:33:38.640 not really. Um, a little botox now and again, who 0:33:38.680 --> 0:33:42.200 does Doug Mast? By the way, Doug Mast is the best. 0:33:42.760 --> 0:33:44.280 So I'm gonna have to get because I didn't like 0:33:44.320 --> 0:33:46.720 my last it looks look at like my it's pulling 0:33:46.840 --> 0:33:48.920 right there ya. But you know there's no roadmap and 0:33:48.920 --> 0:33:51.880 there's sometimes that happened. But Terry doesn't do injectable so 0:33:51.960 --> 0:33:53.960 like that anywhere, which is good because when he used 0:33:54.000 --> 0:33:55.760 to do them, he was don't mean to me. He's 0:33:55.760 --> 0:33:57.360 so nice to the patience. But if I came in 0:33:57.560 --> 0:33:59.800 forgot it and I go to the Doug mast, Doug 0:33:59.840 --> 0:34:02.880 is in amazing. He was actually just on botch last week. 0:34:03.360 --> 0:34:05.720 He was one of the people that was instrumental in 0:34:05.760 --> 0:34:11.359 getting sculpture approved um by the FDI. What's sculpt sculpture is? 0:34:11.520 --> 0:34:15.520 You know there's fillers. Uh, this isn't a filler. It's 0:34:15.880 --> 0:34:18.600 regrows your own collagen. It's injectable, but it regrows your 0:34:18.600 --> 0:34:20.760 In college, it was it was actually manufactured for AIDS 0:34:20.760 --> 0:34:24.040 patients because they get very skeletal and lose facial fat 0:34:24.680 --> 0:34:27.640 and so it's an incredible product. Anyway, So Doug, he's 0:34:27.640 --> 0:34:29.480 the best. He's in her most of beach. There's a 0:34:29.520 --> 0:34:31.160 plug for him. I love him. He's the best. So 0:34:31.160 --> 0:34:35.160 he does does your husband do breast augmentation? He does everything? 0:34:35.360 --> 0:34:38.160 Say I I just had a consult um, don't believe 0:34:38.160 --> 0:34:41.799 I'm saying this. I had a consult um a couple 0:34:41.800 --> 0:34:44.000 of weeks ago, but I've been kind of nervous about it. 0:34:44.040 --> 0:34:45.279 I don't know if I'm gonna go through with it 0:34:45.400 --> 0:34:47.560 or not. Let me tell you something. I probably the 0:34:47.600 --> 0:34:51.600 only plastic surgeon's wife with real breasts. If that tells 0:34:51.600 --> 0:34:54.440 you how I feel about Preston Player. I think for 0:34:54.560 --> 0:34:57.080 me is I don't want big I just I you know, 0:34:57.080 --> 0:35:00.520 they're saggy from two kids, and I I don't I 0:35:00.760 --> 0:35:03.399 would like them just I don't really like wearing bras 0:35:03.440 --> 0:35:05.040 a lot, so I would like it them to just 0:35:05.040 --> 0:35:07.000 to be a little lifted and a little teeny bit 0:35:07.040 --> 0:35:08.680 more in there. Okay, can I tell you something? Because 0:35:08.680 --> 0:35:10.480 you have an eleven week old and this is my 0:35:10.520 --> 0:35:12.920 big thing. So people talk with the mommy makeovers. A 0:35:12.920 --> 0:35:14.920 lot of people rush right, They go, oh, I've had 0:35:14.960 --> 0:35:16.720 my last kid. Now I'm gonna have a mommy makeover, 0:35:16.760 --> 0:35:18.399 and they get tummy talks and they get their breast 0:35:18.440 --> 0:35:24.440 done and whatever. The body has to rebound, And honest 0:35:24.600 --> 0:35:27.200 I think after our third child, I was like, oh 0:35:27.200 --> 0:35:29.239 my god, like what happened? These girls used to be 0:35:29.320 --> 0:35:32.359 so good? Another gone, and what am I doing? And 0:35:32.400 --> 0:35:35.560 we had talked about it and I didn't do anything, 0:35:35.880 --> 0:35:40.120 and my breast tissue regroup, Like my body actually bounce back. 0:35:40.200 --> 0:35:43.279 Now what is it? What it was? No, but it 0:35:43.320 --> 0:35:45.480 did bounce back. And I feel like people rush to 0:35:45.520 --> 0:35:49.160 the surgeon too fast. So give your body a chance 0:35:49.719 --> 0:35:53.160 to recover and see what it's going to do. And 0:35:53.200 --> 0:35:55.560 are you sure you're done? You know he's he has 0:35:55.600 --> 0:36:01.719 a vasectomy appointment. How do you decide that? Is that? Like? 0:36:02.280 --> 0:36:05.080 Did you see sections or sections? So I really couldn't 0:36:05.280 --> 0:36:06.960 have open you didn't want to have a little like 0:36:07.040 --> 0:36:09.440 a double knot? That's what I did? What do you mean? 0:36:09.520 --> 0:36:14.480 I have my tubes tiede? So I was figured, okay, yeah, 0:36:14.520 --> 0:36:18.600 I didn't want to be done, done done. I didn't 0:36:18.600 --> 0:36:22.520 want for me personally, I just I want to know 0:36:22.719 --> 0:36:25.960 that if I could have another baby, I could because 0:36:26.000 --> 0:36:28.200 as a woman, I just I didn't want to close 0:36:28.200 --> 0:36:30.600 that door. Hunter, and I was making you're nervous, She's like, 0:36:30.840 --> 0:36:36.800 I need to be able. Wait a second, you can 0:36:36.960 --> 0:36:40.040 he can reverse his vasectomy. The doctor that he's actually 0:36:40.040 --> 0:36:44.319 going to does more reversals than actually vasectomies. So the 0:36:44.360 --> 0:36:48.399 fact that you can't reverse your tubes. So for me, 0:36:48.680 --> 0:36:50.840 I just and as a woman, I just want to always. 0:36:50.880 --> 0:36:53.400 I don't know, it's just it don't take away my 0:36:53.520 --> 0:36:57.759 right to have babies if I wanted to. For me, 0:36:57.800 --> 0:37:01.000 I just felt ago through that. Like I said, we've 0:37:01.000 --> 0:37:03.359 had this discussion, and I had my uproar. At first, 0:37:03.400 --> 0:37:05.040 I was like, wait, what, Like I thought we were 0:37:05.080 --> 0:37:07.439 deciding that we didn't want anymore. What's the difference if well, 0:37:07.440 --> 0:37:08.960 what if I decide I want to happ one with 0:37:09.000 --> 0:37:15.120 somebody else or you? Why did not? I don't know. 0:37:16.320 --> 0:37:18.719 I did not say that. It's just it's almost like, 0:37:18.760 --> 0:37:21.640 you know, she's like someone I didn't say. It's like 0:37:21.640 --> 0:37:24.600 someone's taking away your ovaries. It just makes you not 0:37:24.640 --> 0:37:27.440 feel like a woman. Well I had to do IVF, 0:37:27.960 --> 0:37:32.120 so do we? Oh? Okay, so you could? All right? 0:37:32.719 --> 0:37:35.200 I always thought like if I had if I had to, 0:37:35.320 --> 0:37:37.400 or I'm eighties, so I wasn't having another child. But 0:37:38.200 --> 0:37:41.040 so we had three IVF and then one natural. Okay, 0:37:41.200 --> 0:37:43.400 so good that something's being done here. I'm just saying, 0:37:44.320 --> 0:37:47.239 apparently if you have sex, you can get pregnant. I 0:37:47.239 --> 0:37:52.960 don't know if you know that. After No, just in general, yes, 0:37:53.120 --> 0:37:55.719 because funny because after my third I thought, well, we 0:37:55.760 --> 0:37:58.200 can't we're done, but I can't get pregnant anyway, so 0:37:58.400 --> 0:38:01.600 we didn't do anything about it, right, So it's interesting 0:38:01.640 --> 0:38:03.120 to me that you decided to have a sect to 0:38:03.160 --> 0:38:05.160 me when you had to do. Well, here's the thing. 0:38:05.320 --> 0:38:08.040 So both ivfs failed. I got pregnant but then lost 0:38:08.080 --> 0:38:13.919 the babies. But we then got pregnant naturally one month 0:38:14.000 --> 0:38:17.000 each time. My fourth was natural. Yeah, that was like, 0:38:17.040 --> 0:38:18.400 I don't know how that happened. I swear we had 0:38:18.440 --> 0:38:22.120 a dry spell. Yeah, it's it's it's the whole infertility. 0:38:22.360 --> 0:38:24.920 It's just kind of crazy with my body. But we 0:38:25.000 --> 0:38:27.040 at first the last couple of months of the pregnancy, 0:38:27.080 --> 0:38:28.799 we actually were like, you know, what are we done? 0:38:29.280 --> 0:38:33.120 And then even a month after we're like, we don't know, 0:38:33.280 --> 0:38:35.239 and then recently we're both kind of like, you know what. 0:38:35.880 --> 0:38:38.560 I but here's the things. I just I love babies. 0:38:39.200 --> 0:38:42.440 I really if I could have Oh she wants no, 0:38:43.360 --> 0:38:47.400 I just I just don't him last night, No, I 0:38:47.480 --> 0:38:51.040 didn't know. But they get past that. I know, I know, 0:38:51.120 --> 0:38:53.480 but we don't. And here's the thing. My age too, 0:38:53.480 --> 0:38:56.120 I'm getting older, and the chances are you know they 0:38:56.160 --> 0:38:58.719 go up past you know, thirty five, and so it's 0:38:58.760 --> 0:39:01.359 just it keeps, it keeps seeing them. We have two 0:39:01.480 --> 0:39:04.759 very healthy children, and I want to I think we're 0:39:04.920 --> 0:39:10.719 two children. I have twins. So I have fifteen, fifteen, 0:39:10.800 --> 0:39:15.239 twelve and eight. Yeah, I was twins. It was like 0:39:15.760 --> 0:39:18.360 could we curse or no? Yeah, it was a show. 0:39:18.400 --> 0:39:19.919 I mean it was crazy. I had never even held 0:39:19.920 --> 0:39:21.600 a baby before. I wasn't one of those like I 0:39:21.680 --> 0:39:25.440 had cousins and nieces and I had had no clue. 0:39:25.440 --> 0:39:28.359 And then there were two. And Terry, you know, walks 0:39:28.360 --> 0:39:30.080 around the house like he just scrubbed him for surgery, 0:39:30.080 --> 0:39:33.080 so he doesn't touch anything. So I had a fabulous 0:39:33.080 --> 0:39:36.879 baby nurse, and you know, I figured it out. So 0:39:37.280 --> 0:39:39.120 when I had the third, that was like having a 0:39:39.160 --> 0:39:41.759 teddy bear. I'm sure because I already had two. I 0:39:41.800 --> 0:39:44.279 can imagine and I don't know, but you know, because 0:39:44.400 --> 0:39:46.360 now you have an eleven week call, I would imagine 0:39:46.360 --> 0:39:48.040 that going from one to two has to be the 0:39:48.040 --> 0:39:51.120 hardest transition because when you have one, it's just one, 0:39:51.440 --> 0:39:53.799 and two must seem like twelve. I started with two, 0:39:53.880 --> 0:39:56.480 so three or four was nothing. Yeah, that's where people 0:39:56.560 --> 0:39:58.319 before we had our second one. People kept saying that 0:39:58.320 --> 0:40:00.000 They're like, it's harder to go from one to two, 0:40:00.000 --> 0:40:01.680 and it is two to three and worth sitting there, 0:40:01.719 --> 0:40:03.799 Like from a logical standpoint, that doesn't make sense. The 0:40:03.840 --> 0:40:05.600 numbers just don't add up. But now after having to 0:40:05.719 --> 0:40:08.399 we're like we get it, you get it. But now 0:40:08.440 --> 0:40:12.160 you have manned demand combat, which is good, right, totally outnumbered. Yeah, 0:40:12.239 --> 0:40:14.319 but like doing something. It was so easy to do 0:40:14.400 --> 0:40:16.319 something for yourself when it's like, hey, honey, can you 0:40:16.360 --> 0:40:18.600 take Jolie our daughter, be like you got her for 0:40:18.600 --> 0:40:20.160 a little bit, I'm gonna go do something or all 0:40:20.160 --> 0:40:21.719 takers so you can go do something. Now, it's like 0:40:21.880 --> 0:40:23.239 we don't want to leave each other with the two 0:40:23.320 --> 0:40:26.279 kids three a three year old in a eleven week old. 0:40:26.320 --> 0:40:29.239 It's like, uh, you're not doing this to me right now, Like, no, 0:40:29.360 --> 0:40:32.399 you're staying here. So that's what's so difficult right now 0:40:32.480 --> 0:40:35.239 is trying to be able to manage that. But it's 0:40:35.239 --> 0:40:37.799 good that you guys have careers and you obviously take 0:40:37.800 --> 0:40:40.000 care of your relationship because that's I think that period 0:40:40.040 --> 0:40:41.440 of time is the most important. When I had my 0:40:41.520 --> 0:40:45.120 third I had three under three, and it was insane 0:40:46.760 --> 0:40:48.520 I'm but you know what, we had help we got 0:40:48.520 --> 0:40:51.319 out of the house. I had made sure. Yeah, I 0:40:51.360 --> 0:40:53.360 mean it's you have to rely on the helps. I 0:40:53.360 --> 0:40:55.960 think that we have a hard time doing that. But 0:40:56.000 --> 0:40:59.120 the one mistake I think we made so a year ago, 0:40:59.200 --> 0:41:00.400 year and a half ago too and I took a 0:41:00.440 --> 0:41:02.520 trip to the Maldives and it was the longest we 0:41:02.520 --> 0:41:04.120 had ever been away for the kids and our oldest 0:41:04.120 --> 0:41:07.400 your fifteen, and we were gone for ten days, which 0:41:07.440 --> 0:41:10.439 was huge. We had been away for two days, three days, 0:41:10.440 --> 0:41:13.560 I think one time we went away for four. It 0:41:13.680 --> 0:41:16.719 was the most incredible thing. And everyone told me to 0:41:16.760 --> 0:41:18.200 travel when the kids were younger, but we don't have 0:41:18.239 --> 0:41:19.960 family nearby that we could leave them with, and I 0:41:20.000 --> 0:41:22.960 just felt uncomfortable. Gosh, I wish we had done it earlier. 0:41:23.840 --> 0:41:26.799 That's the one mistake I feel like we made. You. 0:41:27.160 --> 0:41:30.800 I'm telling you should find a way not at eleven weeks, 0:41:31.000 --> 0:41:33.640 but you know when the baby's like six months old 0:41:33.760 --> 0:41:36.640 or eight months of sleeping through the night and more 0:41:36.680 --> 0:41:40.120 of like a baby baby, like do it. We're going, 0:41:40.160 --> 0:41:43.319 We're going little trips, were going You're talking about like 0:41:43.360 --> 0:41:45.440 tow three days. We have a wedding, that will be 0:41:45.480 --> 0:41:48.799 gone in Europe for four But we wanted to stand up, 0:41:48.800 --> 0:41:51.080 but we didn't because of the kids. But you should. 0:41:51.320 --> 0:41:53.319 You should take it for me. That's the one thing 0:41:53.320 --> 0:41:55.040 when I look back, I got gosh, I wish we 0:41:55.080 --> 0:41:57.040 had done more of that. We blew it and they 0:41:57.080 --> 0:42:00.359 don't remember. And now I have teenagers and they don't 0:42:00.400 --> 0:42:03.279 really care. Yeah, now that I get out of here. 0:42:03.360 --> 0:42:06.840 So there's the sweet spot in between, So take advantage now. Well, 0:42:06.960 --> 0:42:09.120 I love you. Where can our listeners find your book 0:42:09.200 --> 0:42:12.439 and all about you? So you can find everything about 0:42:12.480 --> 0:42:14.279 me at heather to brow dot com. You can find 0:42:14.320 --> 0:42:16.239 the book wherever books are sold. It's finally back in 0:42:16.320 --> 0:42:18.560 stock at Amazon and Barnes and Noble, which is cool 0:42:18.560 --> 0:42:22.000 because it's sold out a couple of times. Did it find? 0:42:22.120 --> 0:42:25.480 Do Brow diet Interval, Eating to Lose weight and feel ageless? 0:42:25.560 --> 0:42:27.799 And my podcast heather to Prose World is on podcast one. 0:42:28.160 --> 0:42:31.200 Who you love it? 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And 0:44:27.800 --> 0:44:30.719 ever since I stopped and graduated, I've been like, oh 0:44:30.719 --> 0:44:33.719 my gosh, I don't have a nutrition is It's hard 0:44:33.800 --> 0:44:35.600 right when you get out of sports, but you can't 0:44:35.640 --> 0:44:37.920 eat the same stuff you used to not at all. 0:44:38.080 --> 0:44:39.759 And when you come from an athlete, like you're used 0:44:39.800 --> 0:44:41.399 to that for so many years, you're like you don't 0:44:41.400 --> 0:44:43.480 know any different. Or you have like people being like, hey, 0:44:43.520 --> 0:44:45.560 would you eat this week, and you're like, oh my gosh, accountability, 0:44:45.880 --> 0:44:47.839 Like I don't have that anymore either. Yeah, and you're 0:44:47.880 --> 0:44:50.879 like like carbs, carbs, carbs or your team protein. Yeah, 0:44:50.920 --> 0:44:53.640 You're just like you're in like spandex working out. You're 0:44:53.680 --> 0:44:55.759 going doing your thing, and then you come back and 0:44:55.800 --> 0:44:58.000 you just you eat and then you have you talk 0:44:58.040 --> 0:44:59.799 to you to Chichen is like cut this back, cut 0:44:59.840 --> 0:45:01.919 the us out at this to your plan, and it's 0:45:01.960 --> 0:45:04.600 like you just don't have that in the normal world 0:45:04.880 --> 0:45:07.520 unless you're like a celebrity and like kind of but 0:45:07.600 --> 0:45:11.200 I can't. I'm we can't do that anymore. Post college kid. 0:45:11.320 --> 0:45:14.640 Just yeah, we're so co dependent on our on our 0:45:14.719 --> 0:45:17.399 nutritionists and strength coaches that now we're just stuck. Yeah, 0:45:17.440 --> 0:45:19.040 you're just stuck. But you don't have to be with 0:45:19.120 --> 0:45:22.560 new absolutely because with NOM you have personalized training and 0:45:22.640 --> 0:45:24.440 your own support team for less than the price of 0:45:24.440 --> 0:45:27.040 a single appointment with the nutritions or personal trainer. Right 0:45:27.080 --> 0:45:28.080 and all you have to do is you take a 0:45:28.120 --> 0:45:30.840 thirty second online evaluation. It kind of helps you like 0:45:30.840 --> 0:45:33.719 with your age, with your weight, with your goals, and um, 0:45:33.760 --> 0:45:36.880 like any allergies you have. So for me, I'm gluten intolerant, 0:45:36.920 --> 0:45:39.240 so for me, I might track in so they're like, okay, 0:45:39.239 --> 0:45:41.600 here's like here's what you should be doing and adding 0:45:41.640 --> 0:45:43.600 in to counter that or because you do need to 0:45:43.640 --> 0:45:47.160 have carbohydrates in your system. The people think it's bad, 0:45:47.200 --> 0:45:49.520 it's actually not and attracts your meal habits. It gives 0:45:49.520 --> 0:45:52.440 you visualized portion sizes and you can see your calorie 0:45:52.640 --> 0:45:55.320 density at a glance. Right when you do go a 0:45:55.320 --> 0:45:57.719 little a little overboard, there's no shaming, just tips on 0:45:57.760 --> 0:46:00.360 getting back on track tomorrow. So even if you go 0:46:00.480 --> 0:46:02.080 off your schedule, it's gonna be okay, they'll get you 0:46:02.120 --> 0:46:04.080 back on track. Yeah, and it's all done from an app. 0:46:04.200 --> 0:46:06.360 So you have seven with you. So if you have 0:46:06.360 --> 0:46:09.160 a question on something, you can just message the nutritionists 0:46:09.160 --> 0:46:10.680 and say hey, here's what I'm thinking about having and 0:46:10.719 --> 0:46:13.680 they can just have a dialogue hold accountability to that. 0:46:13.800 --> 0:46:17.800 And people need that nowadays, I know I do. And 0:46:17.880 --> 0:46:19.759 new mis is on for results. Is that what the 0:46:19.760 --> 0:46:21.719 old habits in with the new sign up for your 0:46:21.719 --> 0:46:24.600 trial today at noon n O O M dot com 0:46:24.600 --> 0:46:27.239 slash Jana, What do you have to lose? Visit noon 0:46:27.280 --> 0:46:29.600 dot com slash Janna to start your trial today again, 0:46:29.680 --> 0:46:33.120 that's noon dot com slash Jinna, start losing weight for good. 0:46:33.520 --> 0:46:37.040 Dr Jen Man is in studio right now with us, 0:46:37.680 --> 0:46:41.600 and would you like to give your would you say 0:46:41.719 --> 0:46:45.640 you're I mean, obviously your therapist, but is your are 0:46:45.680 --> 0:46:48.239 you mainly a sex therapist or is it like what 0:46:48.400 --> 0:46:51.480 is your I do a lot of different things. Um, 0:46:51.800 --> 0:46:55.680 She's like, I'm multi I'm pretty I am pretty multifaceted. 0:46:55.719 --> 0:46:58.680 I actually wrote my doctoral dissertation about eating disorders and 0:46:58.719 --> 0:47:01.320 weight loss, and it's of an app called No More Diets. 0:47:01.320 --> 0:47:03.920 It's based on that. That's kind of what I originally 0:47:03.920 --> 0:47:07.240 started talking about the most um. I've written a parenting 0:47:07.280 --> 0:47:10.799 column for over ten years. It's printed in tended for magazines. 0:47:10.880 --> 0:47:13.759 I'm now writing an in style colum about sex and relationships. 0:47:14.040 --> 0:47:16.480 Most people know me from couples Therapy on v H 0:47:16.560 --> 0:47:18.560 one or family Therapy on v H one, so I 0:47:18.640 --> 0:47:22.480 really I've covered it all, and I'm an obsessive researcher 0:47:22.520 --> 0:47:26.280 I love psychology. I love helping people, So there really 0:47:26.400 --> 0:47:30.000 isn't a topic that I haven't covered. What's great because 0:47:30.840 --> 0:47:33.000 kind of I'm like, where do we even start? Because 0:47:33.000 --> 0:47:36.839 obviously Michael and are extreme open book. I love that 0:47:37.239 --> 0:47:41.000 I actually do. This is so off topic and random, 0:47:41.080 --> 0:47:44.000 but I wrote it down just because, um, you've talked 0:47:44.040 --> 0:47:46.680 about eating disorders and I just have a question anything, 0:47:47.520 --> 0:47:51.120 So what when is it? How do I say this 0:47:51.200 --> 0:47:54.239 without I know I don't have an eating disorder. I'm 0:47:54.239 --> 0:47:58.480 just gonna say that. But I've become obsessive with weighing myself. 0:47:58.800 --> 0:48:02.719 Is that a problem? It absolutely is, because the problem 0:48:02.840 --> 0:48:05.799 is that what you're doing then is you're making the 0:48:05.840 --> 0:48:09.560 focus this external thing. This number do I feel good 0:48:09.600 --> 0:48:12.400 about myself? Becomes about what the number is on the scale, 0:48:13.719 --> 0:48:16.160 because literally, if it goes above that one number, I 0:48:16.200 --> 0:48:18.520 am depressed the rest of the day. And I have 0:48:18.600 --> 0:48:20.400 to tell you, Look, I am someone who I'm recovered 0:48:20.440 --> 0:48:23.239 from an eating disorder. I was not well for about 0:48:23.280 --> 0:48:25.279 a decade. I was an elite level athlete. I was 0:48:25.320 --> 0:48:27.360 a rhythmic gymnast. I was on the national team for 0:48:27.400 --> 0:48:31.120 five years. I had a intense, hardcore Russian coach that 0:48:31.280 --> 0:48:33.640 was like weighing us and screaming at us and doing 0:48:33.640 --> 0:48:37.719 all kinds of crazy stuff. And after during the course 0:48:37.760 --> 0:48:40.840 of my eating disorder, I did this like crazy medical 0:48:40.920 --> 0:48:44.160 liquid diet, and I ended up I bought this talking 0:48:44.200 --> 0:48:47.480 scale because I was like obsessed like you with weighing myself. 0:48:47.840 --> 0:48:49.759 And what happened was I got on the scale and 0:48:49.760 --> 0:48:52.400 it would say like you, and this awful voice it 0:48:52.400 --> 0:48:55.760 would say, Hi, you wey blah blah blah, and you've 0:48:55.800 --> 0:48:58.759 gained one pound. Have a nice day. I can still 0:48:58.880 --> 0:49:01.440 hear that woman's voice in my head, and every day 0:49:01.520 --> 0:49:03.720 get on and it would say like and you've gained 0:49:03.760 --> 0:49:07.320 two pounds. And I flipped. And I was eating disordered 0:49:07.360 --> 0:49:10.319 at the time. Unlike you, I was full blown neating disordered. 0:49:10.600 --> 0:49:13.320 Wasn't just kind of what we call subclinical eating disorder, 0:49:13.320 --> 0:49:16.319 which is where you know you're obsessive. You don't meet 0:49:16.360 --> 0:49:18.560 the criteria for a full blow needing disorder, but it's 0:49:18.600 --> 0:49:21.440 an issue in your life. But what ended up happening 0:49:21.520 --> 0:49:25.040 was I became so distraught that the scale kept telling 0:49:25.040 --> 0:49:26.799 me I was gaining weight that I started eating more 0:49:26.920 --> 0:49:29.200 because I was so upset, And then I ended up 0:49:29.239 --> 0:49:33.239 putting on weight. As it turned out, the scale was 0:49:33.400 --> 0:49:40.000 broken stop. So it was a very valuable lesson about 0:49:40.120 --> 0:49:44.120 the external, focusing on the external versus the internal. What's 0:49:44.200 --> 0:49:47.560 really important is what's your relationship with food, like, what's 0:49:47.560 --> 0:49:50.080 your relations with your body? Like? What your body image like? 0:49:50.160 --> 0:49:52.920 Are you making healthy choices for yourself that feel good 0:49:52.960 --> 0:49:56.879 and reinforce things that you want for yourself. I come 0:49:56.920 --> 0:49:59.760 from a model. I don't believe in deprivation. What tends 0:49:59.800 --> 0:50:02.480 to happened, and all the studies show the more we 0:50:02.560 --> 0:50:05.080 deprive ourselves, the more out of control we tend to 0:50:05.120 --> 0:50:08.640 get with specific foots. So I am a big believer. 0:50:08.800 --> 0:50:10.959 I love what we call the hunger scale, the hunger 0:50:11.000 --> 0:50:14.560 scales of scale from zero to ten. Ten being the 0:50:14.560 --> 0:50:17.400 fullest you've ever been Thanksgiving, your stomach is going to 0:50:17.840 --> 0:50:21.560 just split open. Zero being you're about to faint, You're 0:50:21.600 --> 0:50:23.680 going to be on the floor. So five being neutral. 0:50:24.280 --> 0:50:26.319 I talk a lot about learning to eat when you 0:50:26.320 --> 0:50:28.920 are hungry, which is a three. It's all like, I 0:50:28.960 --> 0:50:30.520 know I'm hungry. If you're like I think I'm hungry, 0:50:30.520 --> 0:50:32.840 I'm not sure. You're probably a four. You can't wait 0:50:33.440 --> 0:50:35.640 if you let yourself get to two you probably have 0:50:35.680 --> 0:50:38.120 a headache, your stomach scrowl, and you're not feeling so good. 0:50:38.160 --> 0:50:40.440 Your energy is not good, and you certainly don't want 0:50:40.440 --> 0:50:42.640 to get to a one. You want to stop eating 0:50:42.680 --> 0:50:45.160 when you are five, which is neutral, or a six, 0:50:45.160 --> 0:50:46.759 which is yeah. I can tell your food myself if 0:50:46.800 --> 0:50:48.279 I could run down the block if I had to. 0:50:49.080 --> 0:50:53.239 Once you get to seven, you're full. Eight you're getting uncomfortable. Nine, 0:50:53.239 --> 0:50:55.239 you're in pain. So what you really want to do 0:50:55.680 --> 0:50:58.520 to respect your body is to eat when you're hungry 0:50:58.600 --> 0:51:01.359 a three and stop and you're satisfied, which is a five, 0:51:01.440 --> 0:51:03.600 and not deprive yourself of foods that you love, because 0:51:03.600 --> 0:51:06.279 then you're more likely to ban jo on them. I 0:51:06.280 --> 0:51:10.280 didn't know you we're on the scale that much every morning, 0:51:11.040 --> 0:51:13.040 and I anytime she jumps on the scale, I'm like, well, 0:51:13.040 --> 0:51:16.160 don't wear yourself. It's every morning incidents. I'll hide it 0:51:16.200 --> 0:51:18.240 from me. Is that a problem I can tell because 0:51:18.440 --> 0:51:20.200 obviously you do hide it for me because I didn't know. 0:51:20.560 --> 0:51:21.880 And then every time you do get on I'm like, 0:51:21.880 --> 0:51:24.600 why are you get on scale? What I tell you 0:51:24.600 --> 0:51:26.319 just you have shame around and you don't want to 0:51:26.560 --> 0:51:32.040 and you know something we had so our babies. You know, um, 0:51:32.080 --> 0:51:34.600 you know he's twelve twelve weeks. I don't know when 0:51:34.600 --> 0:51:36.920 this one's gonna air, but you know he's he's around that. 0:51:37.040 --> 0:51:40.360 But I just I was so obsessive getting back to 0:51:40.400 --> 0:51:42.759 my pre pregnancy weight, which is why I started to 0:51:42.760 --> 0:51:45.520 become like obsessive about the number. But like, sometimes I 0:51:45.560 --> 0:51:48.120 won't work out because if i'm if I'm too close 0:51:48.160 --> 0:51:50.759 to that number, I don't want my muscle weight to 0:51:50.800 --> 0:51:54.719 be to make me way more so that I that's 0:51:54.800 --> 0:51:58.760 not healthy. The best choice for your body is about working. 0:51:59.000 --> 0:52:00.600 That's good for your heart, it's good for your muscles, 0:52:00.600 --> 0:52:02.279 it's good for your strength, it's good for your back, 0:52:02.520 --> 0:52:04.840 you know, all that sort of stuff. So it's really 0:52:04.880 --> 0:52:11.080 important that you. I look, I would recommend not weighing yourself. 0:52:11.120 --> 0:52:14.600 I would lock up that scale and instead focus on 0:52:14.719 --> 0:52:17.239 how do you feel? Because also looks so what so 0:52:17.440 --> 0:52:21.640 what if you gain muscle and you're still leaving the number. 0:52:21.840 --> 0:52:23.839 But but I'm telling you you gotta work on letting 0:52:23.840 --> 0:52:25.920 go of the number. The number is unhealthy for you. 0:52:26.000 --> 0:52:30.000 That that obsession about the number. And look, I always say, 0:52:30.040 --> 0:52:31.640 like when a client comes to my office and says 0:52:31.680 --> 0:52:34.000 like I feel fat. I always say, like, what do 0:52:34.000 --> 0:52:35.960 you feel fat about? And so here's the things. I 0:52:36.000 --> 0:52:39.839 don't feel fat. I don't want to get thinner than 0:52:39.880 --> 0:52:41.759 a certain I just want to stay at where I'm 0:52:41.800 --> 0:52:43.560 at right now. So I'm I don't want to get 0:52:43.640 --> 0:52:46.759 over that number. But the obsession is the same. When 0:52:46.760 --> 0:52:49.120 a person is obsessing about being fat that isn't fat. 0:52:49.160 --> 0:52:51.360 It's no different than a person obsessing about a number 0:52:51.440 --> 0:52:55.600 that doesn't really matter. What you're doing is you're projecting 0:52:55.760 --> 0:53:00.640 something onto that number. And my question for you is 0:53:00.760 --> 0:53:03.360 if you weren't obsessing about the number, what would you 0:53:03.360 --> 0:53:05.479 be thinking about that you might not want to think about, 0:53:05.600 --> 0:53:07.399 And how would you feel about yourself if you didn't 0:53:07.440 --> 0:53:11.040 know the number. What's what's more painful that you don't 0:53:11.080 --> 0:53:15.040 want to think about than that number? I don't want 0:53:15.040 --> 0:53:18.759 to talk about it. So that's where the answer is, Yeah, 0:53:18.840 --> 0:53:21.719 well no, it's it's about not I want to be attractive, 0:53:22.560 --> 0:53:25.080 And I think that goes back to this one, be 0:53:25.200 --> 0:53:29.920 chosen and be attractive. But you know by me and 0:53:29.960 --> 0:53:32.600 how many times I tell you that, well, I know 0:53:32.719 --> 0:53:36.200 I want to stay there. That's even so I'm like, 0:53:36.280 --> 0:53:38.120 I don't want you under that number. No, I know, 0:53:38.160 --> 0:53:39.480 and I don't want either. That's why I want to 0:53:39.480 --> 0:53:43.000 stay there. But I look, I would venture to say, 0:53:43.000 --> 0:53:44.640 and I've been told we can talk about anything, that 0:53:44.680 --> 0:53:48.160 it has a very open that what's gone down between 0:53:48.200 --> 0:53:51.839 the two of you, that that probably felt very out 0:53:51.840 --> 0:53:55.160 of control for you, And controlling the number is a 0:53:55.200 --> 0:53:57.600 way of trying to control the bigger picture. If I 0:53:57.640 --> 0:54:01.240 can control the number, then I'm going to look perfect 0:54:01.280 --> 0:54:03.400 and I put that in quotes, and then I'll be 0:54:03.440 --> 0:54:04.919 safe with him and I don't have to worry about 0:54:04.960 --> 0:54:09.600 him cheating. Interesting, it what even if, like I've never 0:54:09.640 --> 0:54:11.960 said anything about weight or it's never been an issue. 0:54:12.040 --> 0:54:15.640 That's what she's making it about, is trying to control 0:54:15.800 --> 0:54:18.640 one thing that she can control. You can't go through 0:54:18.680 --> 0:54:20.840 what you guys have gone through and not feel some 0:54:20.920 --> 0:54:24.160 anxiety about your partner. You know, it's really interesting worry 0:54:24.200 --> 0:54:26.680 that it's going to happen again. Being very introspective about 0:54:26.719 --> 0:54:29.760 this is I started weighing myself when you were in treatment. 0:54:31.080 --> 0:54:33.880 That's very interesting. I got a scale when you were 0:54:33.880 --> 0:54:39.640 in treatment. Interesting, there you go. You you you projected 0:54:39.680 --> 0:54:42.960 all your anxiety and all your pain onto that scale 0:54:43.000 --> 0:54:45.880 and that number and it's not really about that number. 0:54:47.440 --> 0:54:51.600 I want to just tell you I love you. Well, 0:54:51.600 --> 0:54:56.200 I just I never thought of it like that. Interesting, Okay, Well, 0:54:56.239 --> 0:54:58.279 I just I feel like I don't I feel embarrassed. 0:55:00.080 --> 0:55:03.479 It's embarrassing, yes, but there's nothing to be embarrassed about. 0:55:03.520 --> 0:55:04.759 There are a lot of women who are going to 0:55:04.840 --> 0:55:06.960 hear this and relate to you. Yeah, why, but like, 0:55:07.120 --> 0:55:09.640 I don't want to throw away the scale because it's like, 0:55:11.160 --> 0:55:14.799 but that that speaks to how hard it is for 0:55:14.840 --> 0:55:19.040 you to let go of this thing and how important 0:55:19.080 --> 0:55:22.400 it is for you to work on those feelings and 0:55:22.440 --> 0:55:24.279 to be able to talk through those in your own 0:55:24.360 --> 0:55:28.160 therapy or in couples therapy because obviously this issue is 0:55:28.160 --> 0:55:33.160 not resolved, and that's understandable because that doesn't go away overnight, 0:55:33.239 --> 0:55:36.319 that kind of breach of trust, and it's important for you, 0:55:36.320 --> 0:55:39.000 guys to continue to work on the relationship and work 0:55:39.000 --> 0:55:42.000 on your connection so that you can't feel safe again. 0:55:43.040 --> 0:55:46.880 I think it's interesting that because in most all the 0:55:47.080 --> 0:55:50.319 other areas we've addressed head on, we've discussed, we've talked 0:55:50.360 --> 0:55:56.279 circles around, and we're very mindful of it's like, this 0:55:56.400 --> 0:55:59.080 is like your one thing that has been like your 0:55:59.080 --> 0:56:03.279 own secret, so like validate yourself for something to hold 0:56:03.360 --> 0:56:06.120 on too, that we have an addressed or talked about. 0:56:06.760 --> 0:56:11.440 Mhm hm and you hit from me, well, I just 0:56:11.560 --> 0:56:14.400 because I mean not really. I mean you asked how 0:56:14.480 --> 0:56:17.840 much are you today? And I was like, yes, whatever that. 0:56:18.600 --> 0:56:21.480 But but first of all, I would recommend don't. That's 0:56:21.480 --> 0:56:25.279 why I was just about two days ago he said, 0:56:25.280 --> 0:56:29.520 what are you at? I don't do that often. If 0:56:29.560 --> 0:56:34.440 I don't know, I'm like, even if I do, I'm like, 0:56:34.600 --> 0:56:38.440 why are you worried about it? Yeah? You do? Ask yeah? Why? Yeah? 0:56:39.080 --> 0:56:43.839 I think, yeah, Okay, we move on. It's it's hard 0:56:43.880 --> 0:56:47.000 to talk about it's it's it's it's painful. I totally 0:56:47.000 --> 0:56:50.239 got it. Could I just do it like every one 0:56:50.320 --> 0:56:53.560 so week? Could I do that? Where it's because I 0:56:53.600 --> 0:56:55.759 want to make sure I'm not I'm like staying. Like 0:56:55.800 --> 0:56:57.720 my trainer always said, go buy a pair of pants. 0:56:58.360 --> 0:57:00.560 That's the pants that you would look if you're in 0:57:00.640 --> 0:57:04.200 touch with your body. You don't need a scale because 0:57:04.320 --> 0:57:06.640 you know when you feel good, you know when you 0:57:06.640 --> 0:57:08.480 feel bad, you know when you feel bloated, you know 0:57:08.520 --> 0:57:11.759 when you've eaten too much. I think right now you're 0:57:11.800 --> 0:57:16.240 holding on because you're holding onto that control, and that's 0:57:16.240 --> 0:57:17.640 okay if you're not ready to let go of that. 0:57:17.840 --> 0:57:20.640 But now you know what it is, and I think 0:57:20.640 --> 0:57:22.479 when you get on that scale, you're going to look 0:57:22.480 --> 0:57:24.560 at it a little differently and hopefully that will help 0:57:24.560 --> 0:57:34.160 you let go of it sooner. Completely interesting what society 0:57:34.280 --> 0:57:36.960 didn't Now? Are you mad at me? I want to 0:57:37.000 --> 0:57:39.040 be mad at you. I get it to the girl, 0:57:39.600 --> 0:57:42.920 Why what do you do wrong? I think she is 0:57:42.960 --> 0:57:45.600 shame around. She has a lot of shame around, and 0:57:45.640 --> 0:57:48.040 that's why she hit it from me. That's the secrecy. 0:57:48.600 --> 0:57:52.240 I'm sorry that you, through all that we've discussed and 0:57:52.360 --> 0:57:57.800 gone through that a part of you is still so 0:57:58.040 --> 0:58:01.440 unsure of things that you you still don't think it's unsure. 0:58:01.480 --> 0:58:03.200 I think it's just back to her because it's just 0:58:03.280 --> 0:58:05.440 the control of like I have. There's something that I 0:58:05.440 --> 0:58:07.640 can control. Because I can't control whether you step out. 0:58:07.640 --> 0:58:09.560 I can't control whether our marriage falls apart, but I 0:58:09.560 --> 0:58:13.880 can control right. But it still feels like something that 0:58:14.560 --> 0:58:17.880 um like we've done so much work around that, it's 0:58:17.880 --> 0:58:21.840 still something that we have an address that you're just 0:58:21.840 --> 0:58:24.040 trying to have. It's like your own work on the 0:58:24.080 --> 0:58:26.040 side that I don't know how to explain it. It's 0:58:26.040 --> 0:58:28.800 like your own thing you're holding onto, like outside of 0:58:28.840 --> 0:58:32.360 the work that we're addressing this head on, but it's 0:58:32.400 --> 0:58:34.960 like still something on the side that like you lean 0:58:35.040 --> 0:58:40.240 onto to make yourself feel better. She's not resolved. Yeah, 0:58:40.480 --> 0:58:46.080 and it takes time. It takes time to heal. I 0:58:46.160 --> 0:58:51.880 think it's just you know again, because yeah, it's just 0:58:52.080 --> 0:58:57.280 it's just a way to have that control and to 0:58:57.440 --> 0:59:02.240 feel like that and to almost feel like, Okay, I 0:59:02.280 --> 0:59:04.880 know him here, so he must won't choose me because 0:59:05.080 --> 0:59:09.240 I'm I'm looking good right now with this. What when 0:59:09.280 --> 0:59:10.960 you see the number that you want to see? Do 0:59:11.000 --> 0:59:14.120 you feel better about yourself? Do you feel better about us? 0:59:15.080 --> 0:59:18.400 I just I'm happier. Does that make sense? I guess yeah. 0:59:18.440 --> 0:59:20.040 And then if not, that I'm like so depressed and 0:59:20.040 --> 0:59:22.440 then I'll either not work out because I don't want 0:59:22.480 --> 0:59:25.440 to add more muffle weight, or I'll just be depressed 0:59:25.440 --> 0:59:29.400 and then sulk for a couple of hours and then 0:59:29.520 --> 0:59:31.720 make sure I don't make sure I don't eat as 0:59:31.760 --> 0:59:33.280 much so that the next morning I can wake up. 0:59:33.280 --> 0:59:35.440 And it's probably just the water way. It's probably point 0:59:35.520 --> 0:59:38.240 too of whatever, and then I'll wake up like, oh boom. 0:59:38.560 --> 0:59:41.560 And I know that our weight varies day by day 0:59:42.400 --> 0:59:44.560 in our cycle, how much salt we had, how much 0:59:44.600 --> 0:59:46.919 water we drank, Like I will every way myself after 0:59:46.960 --> 0:59:48.920 a flight because I know that I'll be more water 0:59:49.160 --> 0:59:51.080 or this. So it's because and then I'll know I'll 0:59:51.120 --> 0:59:54.920 get in my head about it. Yeah, you feel better 0:59:55.000 --> 0:59:57.320 or worse about us, though, depending on what you see 0:59:57.320 --> 1:00:00.040 on the scale, or is it just like you? I 1:00:00.080 --> 1:00:04.440 think it's yeah, yeah, that has no correlation to you. 1:00:04.440 --> 1:00:08.520 It's just I mean, yes, it's correlated with you, but 1:00:08.600 --> 1:00:13.160 not in that moment. So what do people listening do, 1:00:13.360 --> 1:00:16.840 because I'm relating so much to what Janna is saying, 1:00:17.240 --> 1:00:20.280 even in different ways, that manifests in different ways, whether 1:00:20.320 --> 1:00:23.760 it's weight or linking the lights up and down or 1:00:23.920 --> 1:00:27.160 totally do and whatever things you do to control, what 1:00:27.240 --> 1:00:31.480 do people listening do to try to work through it? Well? 1:00:31.520 --> 1:00:33.840 The first thing is to identify what it's really about 1:00:33.880 --> 1:00:36.040 the lights, which aren't really about the lights. It's again, 1:00:36.120 --> 1:00:39.280 it's about control. It's about binding anxiety to look at 1:00:39.320 --> 1:00:42.040 why are you feeling anxious? What's going on in your life? 1:00:42.040 --> 1:00:44.000 So that you can actually address it, whether it is 1:00:44.040 --> 1:00:46.640 having a conversation with someone, whether it is taking better 1:00:46.680 --> 1:00:49.360 care of yourself, whether it's getting in therapy, whether it's 1:00:49.360 --> 1:00:51.880 going to a twelve step meaning, whatever it is, that 1:00:52.360 --> 1:00:55.320 is the underlying issue is what needs to be addressed 1:00:55.320 --> 1:00:59.880 because that behavior serves a purpose, whether it's obsessing a 1:01:00.000 --> 1:01:02.200 out an a Verrano scale, or train the lights on 1:01:02.240 --> 1:01:06.280 and off, or anything else. You know, being a workaholic, 1:01:06.400 --> 1:01:09.280 a boyfriend not texting you back or like that can 1:01:09.440 --> 1:01:13.640 throw me. Yeah. I have a colleague who went said 1:01:13.640 --> 1:01:17.640 to me, no matter how successful a person is, especially 1:01:17.640 --> 1:01:20.160 a woman, that like when your relationship is falling apart, 1:01:20.240 --> 1:01:22.560 like you feel like everything is falling apart, that like, 1:01:22.680 --> 1:01:24.800 it doesn't matter how strong you are, it doesn't matter 1:01:24.800 --> 1:01:28.040 how accomplished you are. That typically that's something that tends 1:01:28.080 --> 1:01:32.760 to take us down. You know, are you feeling I'm good, 1:01:33.120 --> 1:01:37.160 I'm on the next thing, the next thing. Yeah, let's 1:01:37.160 --> 1:01:40.000 definitely talking about sex, which is which is interesting. So 1:01:40.560 --> 1:01:44.960 Janna and I today later today have a tantra therapy 1:01:45.760 --> 1:01:49.200 appointment with a tantra therapist, and so that's going to 1:01:49.280 --> 1:01:57.000 be for me, probably uncomfortable at first, but I'm excited 1:01:57.040 --> 1:02:01.000 to give it a try. Yeah, he is a harder 1:02:01.000 --> 1:02:03.480 time with intimacy, so that's something that he had set 1:02:03.560 --> 1:02:06.880 up to try to work on intimacy. Of that, that's 1:02:06.920 --> 1:02:09.720 great because tand a lot of tantric sex. And I 1:02:09.760 --> 1:02:12.800 wrote what my InStyle column, hump Day with Dr Jen 1:02:12.960 --> 1:02:15.920 comes out every Wednesday. I wrote one of my columns 1:02:15.920 --> 1:02:18.120 all about tantric sex. And one of the things that 1:02:18.720 --> 1:02:20.760 I learned as I was researching was a lot of 1:02:20.800 --> 1:02:23.520 it is about eye contact and breathing and kind of 1:02:23.560 --> 1:02:27.360 sinking yourselves as I feel like he's smiling, so it's 1:02:27.400 --> 1:02:30.040 going to be uncomfortable for him, So how how can 1:02:30.080 --> 1:02:33.920 we I like him uncomfortable. That's good for your relationship. 1:02:33.960 --> 1:02:36.120 I like you uncomfortable, not on your scale. I like 1:02:36.200 --> 1:02:39.160 him uncomfortable having intimacy with you, and we all live happily. 1:02:39.200 --> 1:02:45.040 Ever after all about stepping out of the comfort zone. 1:02:45.080 --> 1:02:47.480 That's where the work happens. You know, when we say 1:02:47.480 --> 1:02:50.280 in our comfort zone, we don't grow, our relationships don't change. 1:02:50.360 --> 1:02:53.000 We do the same patterns and we mess up in 1:02:53.000 --> 1:02:55.400 the same ways. So I think it's great to me. 1:02:55.520 --> 1:02:57.800 You know, I talk a lot in in my book 1:02:57.840 --> 1:03:00.480 The relationship fix about the whole chapter about how to 1:03:00.480 --> 1:03:03.280 make amends and about forgiveness, and one of the steps 1:03:03.320 --> 1:03:05.560 I was talking I talked about the four ours, about 1:03:05.560 --> 1:03:11.240 showing remorse, about taking responsibility, about recognition, like actually hearing 1:03:11.320 --> 1:03:13.760 the person talk about the feelings, and remedy, and to me, 1:03:13.880 --> 1:03:16.439 this is part of remedy. Remedy is a plan. How 1:03:16.440 --> 1:03:19.600 do how do we not make the same mistake again? 1:03:19.720 --> 1:03:22.640 What do I do? What boundaries do I initiate? What 1:03:22.760 --> 1:03:25.720 intimacy do we need to have, What ways do we 1:03:25.800 --> 1:03:28.320 need to connect to make me less vulnerable to this 1:03:28.400 --> 1:03:31.280 happen again in the future. And I think this is fantastic. 1:03:31.320 --> 1:03:32.880 I love that you're doing and I love that you 1:03:32.920 --> 1:03:35.360 initiated it. I think it's great. Let me ask you this, 1:03:35.400 --> 1:03:40.280 and this is actually something that fantastic. This is something 1:03:40.280 --> 1:03:42.480 I'm actually going to bring up with my individual therapists 1:03:42.680 --> 1:03:44.640 and try to process when I meet with him later 1:03:44.680 --> 1:03:47.520 this week. But so we talked about on a previous episode. 1:03:48.400 --> 1:03:52.160 I have an issue. If I initiate something, whether it's sex, 1:03:52.400 --> 1:03:54.800 whether it's time together, whatever it is, I have no 1:03:54.840 --> 1:03:58.440 problem with it. But for what, for whatever reason, if 1:03:58.520 --> 1:04:00.920 Janna initiates it or not even just her, but just 1:04:01.000 --> 1:04:03.000 someone else initiates and says, hey, do you want to 1:04:03.000 --> 1:04:04.960 do this? Hey do you want to work out? Hey, 1:04:05.120 --> 1:04:08.360 she initiates sex or whatever. I have an issue with it. 1:04:08.680 --> 1:04:12.360 I get uncomfortable. So for this example, just talking to you, 1:04:13.080 --> 1:04:16.200 if you take two scenarios, she initiates sex more times 1:04:16.240 --> 1:04:18.480 than not, I might be kind of uncomfortable and not 1:04:18.680 --> 1:04:23.600 as uh willing or whatever. But if I initiate it, 1:04:23.720 --> 1:04:26.480 I have no problem. I'm good to go. Like. There's 1:04:26.480 --> 1:04:30.240 no performance issues, there's no uncomfortableness, there's no anything. So 1:04:30.320 --> 1:04:32.840 you like to be in control. Yeah, I guess that's 1:04:32.880 --> 1:04:36.000 what it is, but I don't know. Yeah, is that feeling, 1:04:36.000 --> 1:04:38.680 that uncomfortable feeling? Is that an old feeling or a 1:04:38.720 --> 1:04:41.920 new feeling old? How far back does it go? It's 1:04:41.920 --> 1:04:46.280 the earliest time you can remember it? Um, I mean 1:04:46.400 --> 1:04:52.440 child Where in your childhood? Seven eight? Maybe then? What 1:04:52.560 --> 1:04:56.040 was going on? I think it's pay him turned the 1:04:56.120 --> 1:05:05.760 radio down? No, Um, I think it's just and you 1:05:05.800 --> 1:05:08.760 know my household it was. You know, I got a 1:05:08.760 --> 1:05:11.040 fantastic childhood. I don't take anything away from my childhood, 1:05:11.040 --> 1:05:14.880 but it was still as a child. I don't I 1:05:15.040 --> 1:05:16.800 never felt like you had much of a voice, where 1:05:16.800 --> 1:05:18.200 it's just you do what your parents said, you do 1:05:18.240 --> 1:05:22.640 what my father said. Period, There wasn't if you came 1:05:22.680 --> 1:05:25.840 from a very authoritarian household, even though you knew you 1:05:25.880 --> 1:05:29.240 were loved by your parents, you didn't have a locus 1:05:29.240 --> 1:05:31.720 of control. Right, So it was just I was I 1:05:31.760 --> 1:05:34.480 was always told what to do. It was never a discussion. 1:05:34.480 --> 1:05:37.160 I never felt like I could have a saying anything. 1:05:37.480 --> 1:05:39.200 It's just like you were told what to do and 1:05:39.240 --> 1:05:42.480 then just I don't know, I think now, I just 1:05:42.520 --> 1:05:45.880 feel when I've even if it's a suggestion by Janna, 1:05:46.000 --> 1:05:47.720 Hey do you want to work out later today, it 1:05:47.760 --> 1:05:50.640 feels like I'm being told what to do. And look, 1:05:50.720 --> 1:05:53.400 it clearly goes back to your childhood. And you know, 1:05:53.480 --> 1:05:56.200 chapter four of my book is about childhood. It's all 1:05:56.240 --> 1:06:00.200 about how your childhood impacts your relationship and the them 1:06:00.280 --> 1:06:03.800 Why I wrote that is because most people don't realize. 1:06:03.920 --> 1:06:06.680 And you know, every season on Couples Therapy, I do 1:06:06.720 --> 1:06:09.800 what we call the relationship trauma session, which is like 1:06:10.120 --> 1:06:14.840 it generally they've lasted anywhere from four to seven hours 1:06:14.880 --> 1:06:18.240 of therapy, intensive therapy with all these couples celebrity couples 1:06:18.240 --> 1:06:20.480 in a room with me talking about their childhoods because 1:06:20.720 --> 1:06:24.280 it's so eye opening, and it's really in a certain way. 1:06:24.280 --> 1:06:29.040 It's easy when the trauma is obvious. Oh, if you've 1:06:29.080 --> 1:06:32.240 been molested, obviously, it's not easy going through that trauma. 1:06:32.240 --> 1:06:36.880 It's horrific and life altering. But neglect abuse, you know, 1:06:37.080 --> 1:06:39.840 sexual abuse, all that sort of stuff, people go like, oh, 1:06:39.920 --> 1:06:42.760 I know this thing happened to me. Obviously, this is 1:06:42.760 --> 1:06:46.040 going to impact me. Where people don't realize their childhood 1:06:46.040 --> 1:06:48.560 impacts them is more subtle situations like yours, which is 1:06:48.600 --> 1:06:51.440 why I wrote about it in the book. It's being 1:06:51.560 --> 1:06:53.960 in a home where you don't feel understood, where you 1:06:54.000 --> 1:06:55.960 don't feel seen in her, where you don't feel like 1:06:55.960 --> 1:06:58.760 you have control over your future. It's more subtle things 1:06:58.800 --> 1:07:01.680 like a family of divorce that that's so common that 1:07:01.680 --> 1:07:03.800 people tend to go, oh, it doesn't impact me that much, 1:07:03.880 --> 1:07:08.080 but it impacts you. So it's it's all those subtle things, 1:07:08.080 --> 1:07:10.440 And it sounds like that feeling of not having control 1:07:11.280 --> 1:07:14.360 deeply impacted you, and and as a result, it makes 1:07:14.360 --> 1:07:18.080 you seek control in different ways in your relationship, even 1:07:18.120 --> 1:07:20.560 subtle ways that are going to have a negative impact 1:07:20.760 --> 1:07:25.120 on your wife because if she feels like she can't 1:07:25.320 --> 1:07:28.400 initiate sext, she can't say, hey, let's go work out. Hey, 1:07:28.520 --> 1:07:30.520 I you know, I got tickets to this concert. If 1:07:30.520 --> 1:07:35.120 for you it feels controlling, what happens is she loses control, 1:07:35.400 --> 1:07:38.479 she she she's got a catchway too. I can't ask 1:07:38.520 --> 1:07:40.520 for what I want in this relationship, otherwise you can 1:07:40.560 --> 1:07:42.840 feel controlled. So it makes a whole lot of sense 1:07:43.040 --> 1:07:45.840 that your control is on the scale right now. Well. So, 1:07:45.880 --> 1:07:48.480 which is funny because yesterday we were driving back and 1:07:48.480 --> 1:07:51.200 I said, so, I wanted to ask you to work 1:07:51.200 --> 1:07:54.760 out today, and I felt like I couldn't even ask 1:07:54.800 --> 1:07:57.640 you because you were going to say no because it 1:07:57.680 --> 1:07:59.600 wasn't your idea. So I'm kind of left, like what 1:07:59.640 --> 1:08:02.000 am I to do? Your arms are tied behind your 1:08:02.040 --> 1:08:05.200 back because I can't initiate things. I can't say things 1:08:05.240 --> 1:08:08.440 because you're going to say no because it wasn't your idea. 1:08:08.520 --> 1:08:10.000 So I don't know how I'm supposed to come to 1:08:10.000 --> 1:08:11.360 you with things. And I go, now, I'm just kind 1:08:11.360 --> 1:08:14.480 of confused, which I haven't. And we talked about this yesterday, 1:08:14.520 --> 1:08:16.600 which I haven't. I don't always say no if she 1:08:16.680 --> 1:08:19.400 brings something to me and she senses your energy, I 1:08:19.400 --> 1:08:22.360 can do just from being here for ten seconds. She's 1:08:22.479 --> 1:08:26.559 incredibly attuned to you and super hyper sensitive to you. 1:08:26.560 --> 1:08:30.360 You blink the wrong way and she is he in 1:08:30.400 --> 1:08:33.559 her head going Okay, what's going on with him? What's 1:08:33.560 --> 1:08:35.720 he doing? Why is he feeling this way? How is 1:08:35.760 --> 1:08:37.960 it going to impact our relationship? She's super in tune 1:08:38.000 --> 1:08:40.200 with you, so she's going to pick up on even 1:08:40.280 --> 1:08:43.439 if you say yes, the process that goes on in 1:08:43.479 --> 1:08:45.720 your head, She's gonna pick up on your energy about it. 1:08:46.320 --> 1:08:49.240 So you've got work to do here in order to 1:08:49.360 --> 1:08:54.400 be a giving, loving, open partner. And I can't help 1:08:54.439 --> 1:08:58.120 but wonder if on some level the affair had to 1:08:58.160 --> 1:09:01.360 do with control, because it puts you in a position 1:09:01.600 --> 1:09:03.840 where you have more control in your relationship because it 1:09:03.880 --> 1:09:06.280 creates so much anxiety with your partner up, Is you 1:09:06.280 --> 1:09:08.080 can do it again? Is you gonna leave me so 1:09:08.080 --> 1:09:09.920 you can have bad boundaries? What do I have to 1:09:09.960 --> 1:09:15.080 do to keep this relationship in check? Yeah? I mean, yeah, 1:09:15.800 --> 1:09:19.760 I'm sure there, you know, especially with what I was 1:09:19.800 --> 1:09:24.880 going through in my own world with depression and transitioning 1:09:24.920 --> 1:09:27.320 into different life and career and all that stuff. When 1:09:27.400 --> 1:09:29.400 we first met that, yeah, I felt like I had 1:09:29.439 --> 1:09:32.080 no control over anything. I was just along for the ride. 1:09:32.479 --> 1:09:36.480 So there's definitely some truth behind that. How do I 1:09:36.520 --> 1:09:41.040 go about asking or because I just want to spend 1:09:41.040 --> 1:09:43.240 time with them, I just want to hang out with them, 1:09:43.479 --> 1:09:45.479 you know, I just want to go to lunch or 1:09:45.479 --> 1:09:48.600 work out or you know, if I I have a 1:09:48.640 --> 1:09:51.120 hard time initiating because I haven't turned down a lot 1:09:51.120 --> 1:09:54.240 of times from him, So it's it's really hard for 1:09:54.240 --> 1:09:56.800 me to initiate because I'm so afraid to get turned 1:09:56.840 --> 1:09:59.120 on and then which will then trigger the trauma of 1:09:59.200 --> 1:10:02.280 not being chosen. And so I don't do that often, 1:10:02.320 --> 1:10:04.960 which i'd like two more, but I feel so uncomfortable 1:10:05.000 --> 1:10:06.720 because I'm so afraid of being turned down. And in 1:10:06.760 --> 1:10:08.960 the entire time, it's like, oh, I know in his head, 1:10:09.120 --> 1:10:11.040 he feels like he has to because if not, then 1:10:11.240 --> 1:10:13.360 I'm gonna feel not chosen, I'm gonna feel turned down, 1:10:13.400 --> 1:10:15.080 I'm going to feel all these things. So I don't 1:10:15.120 --> 1:10:20.559 know how how do I approach something as simple as hey, 1:10:20.560 --> 1:10:23.440 do you want to work out with me? To initiating 1:10:23.439 --> 1:10:26.439 sex without having to have that anxiety I'm going to 1:10:26.560 --> 1:10:28.600 give you some advice that you're gonna hate. It's going 1:10:28.680 --> 1:10:31.120 to be very challenging, but is going to be life 1:10:31.200 --> 1:10:35.120 changing for you. What I want your energy on this 1:10:35.240 --> 1:10:39.720 to be is great. Bring on the rejection. I can 1:10:39.800 --> 1:10:42.920 handle it. Bring it on, uh, and it is just 1:10:43.040 --> 1:10:45.880 an opportunity for me to work on myself and to 1:10:46.040 --> 1:10:49.880 be strong and to build myself up. I don't need 1:10:50.120 --> 1:10:54.599 his yes to feel good about me, and I welcome 1:10:54.640 --> 1:11:00.200 the rejection and bring it on. Come to him if 1:11:00.240 --> 1:11:04.559 that energy, have that energy within yourself and be less 1:11:04.560 --> 1:11:08.000 attached to the outcome, because what we want to do 1:11:08.120 --> 1:11:11.559 is give you your control back. That you can't ask 1:11:12.479 --> 1:11:16.400 is a problem. All you can do is change your 1:11:16.479 --> 1:11:19.080 side of that problem. He's got to do the work 1:11:19.080 --> 1:11:23.840 in his individual therapy so that he can learn to 1:11:23.840 --> 1:11:26.559 to say to say yes, or or even to say no, 1:11:26.960 --> 1:11:30.439 and to do it in a gracious, loving way. But 1:11:31.640 --> 1:11:35.360 what he has done is he has basically created a 1:11:35.439 --> 1:11:38.000 dynamic in your relationship where you feel the way he 1:11:38.080 --> 1:11:42.599 felt growing up. He couldn't ask. His parents were in control, 1:11:42.640 --> 1:11:44.840 he had to do whatever they said. You're in a 1:11:44.880 --> 1:11:48.040 situation now where you can't ask. He's in control, and 1:11:48.040 --> 1:11:51.880 you can't get your needs man, So all you can 1:11:51.920 --> 1:11:55.280 do is change your side and then have faith that 1:11:55.479 --> 1:11:59.480 he will work on his side. What if it doesn't change, 1:11:59.760 --> 1:12:08.800 then you'll have a decision to make h whether you 1:12:08.840 --> 1:12:11.680 want to be in a relationship with someone who is withholding, 1:12:11.840 --> 1:12:14.640 and if it goes that long unwilling to work on 1:12:14.680 --> 1:12:18.719 the issue, which isn't the case, which again, is willing 1:12:18.760 --> 1:12:21.439 to work on which even when you when you've asked things, 1:12:21.560 --> 1:12:25.320 I'll even say yes. Maybe I still will feel uncomfortable, 1:12:25.479 --> 1:12:29.200 but I'll say yes because I know what's something she wants. 1:12:29.520 --> 1:12:31.400 But but also what I want you to start to 1:12:31.439 --> 1:12:34.160 do is say yes, and not only because it's something 1:12:34.240 --> 1:12:37.120 you want, but because you want to work on yourself 1:12:37.479 --> 1:12:40.599 and you want to live life on different terms. Because 1:12:40.880 --> 1:12:44.000 as long as your childhood is dictating how you react 1:12:44.000 --> 1:12:47.439 to her, and you're coming from that place of someone 1:12:47.439 --> 1:12:49.960 else is in control, I have to get control by 1:12:49.960 --> 1:12:52.720 saying no, I have to be withholding. You're trapped in 1:12:52.760 --> 1:12:54.840 your childhood and ins way, You're a victim of your 1:12:54.920 --> 1:12:57.760 childhood for sure. And I've told this to Janna when 1:12:57.800 --> 1:13:00.800 we don't have the same sexual she used as we 1:13:00.880 --> 1:13:03.599 have in the past. But I told her even when 1:13:03.600 --> 1:13:05.879 we were having intimacy issues in that in the bedroom, 1:13:06.000 --> 1:13:08.120 it's like, I don't want this, like I don't want 1:13:08.200 --> 1:13:11.600 this to be my issue. I want to want to 1:13:11.680 --> 1:13:14.040 be so open minded and comfortable and be able to 1:13:14.080 --> 1:13:16.400 have sex, to do this or do that without any issue. 1:13:16.439 --> 1:13:20.880 So I want those things, but sometimes I think I'm 1:13:20.920 --> 1:13:23.599 also afraid of It's like the whole breakup scenario. It's like, 1:13:23.920 --> 1:13:26.599 I want you to want to do the dishes. It's like, 1:13:26.840 --> 1:13:29.040 sometimes there's gonna be things I might not want to do, 1:13:29.080 --> 1:13:31.840 but I do them because I know it's important to her. 1:13:32.160 --> 1:13:34.519 That's okay. Sometimes you take one for the team. We'll 1:13:34.560 --> 1:13:38.360 see sometime sometimes I might get the energy from Janna 1:13:38.680 --> 1:13:41.800 where because I don't have the same enthusiasm, I don't 1:13:41.840 --> 1:13:46.479 have the same you know whatever about that situation that 1:13:46.520 --> 1:13:48.879 it's not enough for her, that me just doing it 1:13:48.920 --> 1:13:51.720 isn't enough for her. That I have to want to 1:13:51.760 --> 1:13:55.599 do that as well. So it's and and and that's 1:13:56.240 --> 1:13:59.280 where your work is that that you have to work 1:13:59.320 --> 1:14:02.160 on that in order to get to an enthusiastic yes. 1:14:02.240 --> 1:14:05.360 Sometimes you have to get a lukewarm yes, And that's okay, 1:14:06.479 --> 1:14:10.920 But embrace it like reward the positive behavior. He says, yes, 1:14:11.000 --> 1:14:13.880 even if you sense a hesitation, that's okay. This is 1:14:13.920 --> 1:14:17.679 a guy who wants to grow. Help him grow, he says, yes, 1:14:17.760 --> 1:14:21.720 embrace it. What will be you think his path to 1:14:21.880 --> 1:14:25.920 trying to not have that uncomfortable nous when I'm at 1:14:26.040 --> 1:14:28.200 when I asked him to do something with me, He's 1:14:28.200 --> 1:14:29.760 got to work with his childhood, because this is not 1:14:29.840 --> 1:14:32.880 about you. This is about his childhood. This is about 1:14:32.960 --> 1:14:35.760 feeling powerless. This is about feeling like he had to 1:14:35.760 --> 1:14:41.080 do what he was told, and so he's starving for control, 1:14:42.360 --> 1:14:44.160 so he doesn't want you to have any When he 1:14:44.320 --> 1:14:47.559 is able to work through that, he won't be so 1:14:47.600 --> 1:14:50.600 starving for control, and he also will feel more powerful 1:14:50.680 --> 1:14:52.920 as a man. And when he feels that way, he 1:14:52.960 --> 1:14:55.120 can say yes. He can say no. And it's not 1:14:55.160 --> 1:14:59.160 about withholding. It's not about power and control. It's about 1:14:59.680 --> 1:15:02.519 I view and yeah, great, let's do it. And it's 1:15:02.560 --> 1:15:05.519 not about like a task or I'm telling him what 1:15:05.560 --> 1:15:07.840 to do, which I Finally, I've gotten to the point 1:15:07.840 --> 1:15:10.320 in our relationship where I can say no, because for 1:15:10.360 --> 1:15:12.599 a long time I didn't say no, and then resentment 1:15:12.640 --> 1:15:15.880 built up because against her, which is not her fault 1:15:15.960 --> 1:15:19.000 because it's just me not speaking how I really felt. Yeah, 1:15:19.760 --> 1:15:21.760 and it's you know, and I've told Janna too, it 1:15:21.880 --> 1:15:24.840 isn't just my issue with this isn't just towards Janna. 1:15:24.880 --> 1:15:26.559 It's been with teachers in my life, has been with 1:15:26.600 --> 1:15:28.479 coaches that I've had my entire life. It's been with 1:15:28.560 --> 1:15:31.880 just any authoritative figures that have always been one of 1:15:31.920 --> 1:15:35.040 those guys that just quick trigger to defend myself because 1:15:35.560 --> 1:15:38.160 I'm just not a big fan of authority and people 1:15:38.200 --> 1:15:40.240 telling me what to do. And when you grow up 1:15:40.280 --> 1:15:42.280 in a household like yours that was more of an 1:15:42.320 --> 1:15:45.720 authoritarian household, you tend to be more sensitive to that, 1:15:45.800 --> 1:15:47.720 and you tend to have a response that's about the 1:15:47.760 --> 1:15:50.760 rebellion as opposed to what's in my best interest? What 1:15:50.760 --> 1:15:52.639 do I really want to do? It become just kind 1:15:52.640 --> 1:15:59.400 of a trigger now, yeah, right, Yeah, And I think 1:16:00.479 --> 1:16:04.520 on the flip side, when I'm told the know or rejected, 1:16:04.560 --> 1:16:07.240 that just goes into the trauma of the past. But 1:16:08.000 --> 1:16:10.760 we have to build you up so that you're just 1:16:10.840 --> 1:16:14.640 like create bring it on. Yeah, I can handle rejection. 1:16:15.080 --> 1:16:19.880 I'm such a strong woman. Your no isn't isn't going 1:16:20.000 --> 1:16:24.720 to tear me down. I think it'll always Unfortunately, Yes, 1:16:24.840 --> 1:16:26.360 I think I've gotten better with that, but I think 1:16:26.360 --> 1:16:30.160 it's always gonna be there no matter what. Just that 1:16:30.280 --> 1:16:33.240 little piece of not But there's a different But there's 1:16:33.240 --> 1:16:36.560 a difference between I really wish he was in the 1:16:36.600 --> 1:16:42.320 mood too, and that I'm not the chosen. The I'm 1:16:42.360 --> 1:16:44.719 not the chosen is about the trauma of the past 1:16:44.800 --> 1:16:47.599 between the two of them and that that we need 1:16:47.680 --> 1:16:51.200 to clean up. So it's so it's a pure response 1:16:51.760 --> 1:16:54.240 that just like damn, I was hoping to have sex 1:16:54.280 --> 1:16:56.800 and he's not up for it. Okay, I'll go take 1:16:56.800 --> 1:17:04.360 care of myself. Yeah, maybe next time. It feels uh unfortunately, 1:17:04.400 --> 1:17:06.240 like when I when I hear that, like when she 1:17:06.600 --> 1:17:09.200 still feels that way about something I said. Know too, 1:17:10.360 --> 1:17:12.559 that makes me sometimes want to get offensive and say, 1:17:12.720 --> 1:17:15.040 well that just seems like you're focusing on the things 1:17:15.080 --> 1:17:17.080 I'm not doing as opposed to things that I am doing. 1:17:17.760 --> 1:17:19.280 What about the fact, And then I want to like 1:17:19.680 --> 1:17:21.360 keep score in a sense of well, we just had 1:17:21.360 --> 1:17:23.240 sex yesterday and I just did this with you. I 1:17:23.280 --> 1:17:24.840 just we just cut it on the couch. You know 1:17:24.920 --> 1:17:26.800 what about those things that I'm doing, and why you 1:17:26.920 --> 1:17:28.519 focus on this one thing and I just get all 1:17:28.520 --> 1:17:31.360 worked up and I'm like and like one of the 1:17:31.439 --> 1:17:33.479 things that I recommend for you guys, and talk about 1:17:33.520 --> 1:17:36.080 this a lot in the relationship fis in chapter one 1:17:36.080 --> 1:17:41.280 about communication is create a culture of appreciation in your relationship. Really, 1:17:41.400 --> 1:17:44.320 like a lot of the time couples don't thank each 1:17:44.360 --> 1:17:47.040 other for the things they take for granted, Oh gonna 1:17:47.080 --> 1:17:49.439 thank you so much for taking out the trash. We 1:17:49.520 --> 1:17:53.400 do that. Yeah, And I love that you put that 1:17:53.400 --> 1:17:55.160 in your book too. Is I agree with you that 1:17:55.200 --> 1:17:57.000 I think a lot of and there's just a lot 1:17:57.040 --> 1:17:58.519 of friends of mine too, they forget to thank their 1:17:58.520 --> 1:18:02.240 spouses for the little things that are so that are important. 1:18:02.320 --> 1:18:06.680 But I'm hearing that he doesn't feel fully recognized for 1:18:06.760 --> 1:18:09.000 the things that he's doing, the efforts that he's making. 1:18:09.040 --> 1:18:14.479 So I would recommend your gratitude. It's too. It's two things. 1:18:14.640 --> 1:18:19.920 It's one. I'll feel that because yes, maybe because the 1:18:19.960 --> 1:18:23.360 fact that she is is feeling a certain way or 1:18:23.360 --> 1:18:25.200 complaining about something I didn't do, then it makes me 1:18:25.240 --> 1:18:26.880 feel that way. But also the other half of is 1:18:26.920 --> 1:18:28.840 me because we actually just talked about this with some 1:18:28.880 --> 1:18:32.240 of the other day, like a week ago, is we'll 1:18:32.320 --> 1:18:34.000 thank each other for the small test. Hey, thanks for 1:18:34.040 --> 1:18:36.360 emptying the dishwasher, thanks for doing this. Those are mindless 1:18:36.400 --> 1:18:39.000 things that you just do as an adult anyway, and 1:18:39.240 --> 1:18:42.360 but we won't accept that from one another. Like if 1:18:42.439 --> 1:18:44.599 Janna says, hey, thanks for empty and dishwashing, I'm like, care, 1:18:44.680 --> 1:18:46.680 but you don't have to thank me, just say thank you. 1:18:48.720 --> 1:18:51.240 We both do that. The impression is that, well, first 1:18:51.240 --> 1:18:54.799 of all, both of you need to say you're welcome. Yeah, welcome. 1:18:54.840 --> 1:18:57.799 It's hard for us for whatever, recognizing that. That's cool. 1:18:58.439 --> 1:19:01.960 I really appreciate that. But it sounds like you get 1:19:02.000 --> 1:19:05.120 recognized for the dishwasher, but maybe a little bit less 1:19:05.160 --> 1:19:09.600 for your emotional reaches. I don't know. I feel like 1:19:09.640 --> 1:19:13.040 I I mean, if you if if that's true, then 1:19:13.080 --> 1:19:14.680 I then I apologize because I feel like I do 1:19:14.720 --> 1:19:16.280 a pretty good job of, you know, saying thank you 1:19:16.320 --> 1:19:18.400 for working on yourself, thank you for you know, showing 1:19:18.479 --> 1:19:21.360 up today. You do a great job. So she does. 1:19:21.520 --> 1:19:24.800 That's the thing. She does validate my the times that 1:19:24.880 --> 1:19:29.240 I am connected or intimate or whatever. It's just any 1:19:29.280 --> 1:19:32.320 time I have such an issue again, that goes back 1:19:32.600 --> 1:19:34.280 since I was a child of not feeling good enough 1:19:34.920 --> 1:19:37.320 that I have such a great issue with that where 1:19:37.880 --> 1:19:41.400 if I hear one thing, if I get triggered in 1:19:41.439 --> 1:19:43.800 my trauma and think it's triggered and she's like, you know, 1:19:43.880 --> 1:19:45.800 why don't you want to be intimate or she's not 1:19:45.840 --> 1:19:49.080 feeling a certain way, then I'm like, okay, so everything 1:19:49.080 --> 1:19:52.160 I've been doing isn't good enough? Everything Like that's not 1:19:52.200 --> 1:19:53.840 what I'm saying. I'm just saying, can you just hear 1:19:53.880 --> 1:19:55.599 me in this one moment right now where I'm just saying, 1:19:55.600 --> 1:19:57.960 I just in this moment, I don't feel chosen and 1:19:58.000 --> 1:20:00.080 that's my stuff. But I'm just saying in that, what 1:20:00.439 --> 1:20:05.920 do you do to help her feel safe and comfortable 1:20:06.040 --> 1:20:07.840 and loved in the relationship. Let's say you're not in 1:20:07.840 --> 1:20:10.720 the mood for a sex, that's okay, but what do 1:20:10.840 --> 1:20:13.200 you do or do you just get defensive and go like, 1:20:13.360 --> 1:20:15.519 but I do all these other things. I used to 1:20:15.600 --> 1:20:19.519 be straight to defensive now would blow blow us up. 1:20:19.560 --> 1:20:22.439 But now I'm able. We're both able to more times 1:20:22.439 --> 1:20:24.479 than not be understanding, like I'm really sorry you don't 1:20:24.479 --> 1:20:26.320 feel chosen. Just let you know like I do love 1:20:26.360 --> 1:20:29.120 you I do choose you, and now I'm just I'm sorry, 1:20:29.120 --> 1:20:31.280 I'm just not maybe in that particular mood. But you 1:20:31.320 --> 1:20:33.160 know that's cool. Can we do something else? Can we 1:20:33.200 --> 1:20:35.200 just lay together or whatever? And that's something that I 1:20:35.200 --> 1:20:39.000 still need to get better at. Spoon you for two hours. 1:20:39.000 --> 1:20:41.920 It's because he did. Yeah, but but unfortunately it's here 1:20:41.960 --> 1:20:44.599 you go straight to the You do that a lot, 1:20:44.680 --> 1:20:48.360 where you go straight to the everything. It's not it's 1:20:48.400 --> 1:20:51.519 not everything, it's you get to that point. And then 1:20:51.560 --> 1:20:54.360 I still have the the internal fear of Okay, see 1:20:54.360 --> 1:20:56.479 I say no, and I do those things. I validate 1:20:56.520 --> 1:20:58.280 her feelings and I say hey, let's just cut on 1:20:58.320 --> 1:21:00.720 the couch. Then in the back of mind mine that 1:21:01.200 --> 1:21:03.840 I'll start thinking like this is still not enough because 1:21:03.880 --> 1:21:05.640 she wanted this, but it would be enough for me. 1:21:05.760 --> 1:21:07.640 That's the things to do I have to then, and 1:21:08.920 --> 1:21:12.280 let's just say it wasn't. Let's just say you're like, hey, 1:21:12.320 --> 1:21:14.639 I'm not in the mood for let me, let's let's 1:21:14.640 --> 1:21:16.960 spoon let's go lay on the couch together, let me 1:21:17.000 --> 1:21:18.760 hold you, let me kiss you. I want I want 1:21:18.800 --> 1:21:20.680 you to know I love you, and I want you 1:21:20.680 --> 1:21:22.519 to feel loved even though I'm not in the mood, 1:21:23.560 --> 1:21:26.800 and you spoon her and you have a connected time 1:21:26.880 --> 1:21:31.920 and it's still not enough. That's okay. We don't necessarily 1:21:31.960 --> 1:21:36.320 always meet every single need perfectly of our partner, but 1:21:36.360 --> 1:21:39.840 you're still you're filling her love tank even if it's 1:21:39.880 --> 1:21:44.639 not full. Let's say you're filling it halfway. That's pretty good. 1:21:44.680 --> 1:21:47.120 That counts for something. It's not all or nothing. You know, 1:21:47.240 --> 1:21:50.120 as as as as an athlete, you tend to think 1:21:50.120 --> 1:21:51.720 in black and white terms, either you win or you 1:21:51.840 --> 1:21:55.080 lose it. But it's not that way. In relationships. There 1:21:55.080 --> 1:21:57.519 are a lot of shades of gray, and filling the 1:21:57.640 --> 1:22:02.519 tank is a positive. Don't under estimated it. Adds like that. 1:22:02.840 --> 1:22:05.599 I think that's school because I think all or nothing. 1:22:05.600 --> 1:22:08.439 I mean, what's what's perfect? You know what's not Every 1:22:08.520 --> 1:22:11.599 night is going to be a candle night of us. 1:22:11.720 --> 1:22:14.800 You know, having the most intimate sometimes it might just 1:22:14.880 --> 1:22:17.280 be holding a hand might just be enough. But at 1:22:17.320 --> 1:22:20.679 least you're showing up in that way for that day. 1:22:20.800 --> 1:22:23.720 And like we talked about on a previous episode, is 1:22:24.439 --> 1:22:26.360 say I said that, so she wants to have sex, right, 1:22:26.479 --> 1:22:28.439 And I say, hey, I'm just not really in the 1:22:28.479 --> 1:22:31.040 mood right now, like let's just cuddle or let's just 1:22:31.520 --> 1:22:35.040 lay on the couch together or laying bed together. I 1:22:35.080 --> 1:22:38.000 will if she's super accepting of that, it says, okay, 1:22:38.000 --> 1:22:41.040 I understand, like I'll do let's just do that in 1:22:41.160 --> 1:22:43.719 fifteen minutes, I'll probably want to have sex well because 1:22:43.760 --> 1:22:47.439 all because also what happens is it takes the pressure off. 1:22:47.560 --> 1:22:50.280 And I think that part of what you're looking for, 1:22:51.640 --> 1:22:54.800 but part of what part of what you're the reparative 1:22:54.840 --> 1:22:58.760 experience you're looking for in your relationship is I can 1:22:58.800 --> 1:23:03.240 say no to quote unquote authority because you project onto her, 1:23:03.320 --> 1:23:05.960 she becomes the authority. Because we project our parents onto 1:23:05.960 --> 1:23:09.240 our partners is kind of what we do. So what 1:23:09.439 --> 1:23:15.040 your craving is for the authority to say it's okay you. 1:23:15.040 --> 1:23:17.280 You don't have to do what I say. I still 1:23:17.400 --> 1:23:21.559 love you anyway, I still accept you. I still want 1:23:21.600 --> 1:23:25.280 to be with you. This is safe, this relationship is safe. 1:23:25.280 --> 1:23:28.120 We're good. And I think that when you feel that 1:23:28.240 --> 1:23:31.840 from her, when she doesn't get reactive and doesn't go like, 1:23:32.040 --> 1:23:33.080 what do you mean you don't want to have sex 1:23:33.120 --> 1:23:35.000 to me? And I'm not I'm not the chosen one. 1:23:35.040 --> 1:23:37.160 And you pick someone else, and then you walk down 1:23:37.200 --> 1:23:40.920 that historic, painful lane. Then you go up. I have 1:23:41.040 --> 1:23:43.120 to do I have to do what authority says. Oh 1:23:43.160 --> 1:23:46.080 that sucks, like I'm back in my childhood. But if 1:23:46.160 --> 1:23:49.680 she's able to go, yeah, I totally get it. You're 1:23:49.680 --> 1:23:52.040 not always in the mood. That's cool. Hey, Like, let's 1:23:52.120 --> 1:23:54.600 let's cuttle up together and you're able to go. I 1:23:54.640 --> 1:23:57.040 feel so lucky that I have such a sexy, beautiful wife. 1:23:57.080 --> 1:23:59.720 I want you to know I choose you. Let's just 1:24:00.000 --> 1:24:02.519 boon like, I want you to know that you are loved, 1:24:02.640 --> 1:24:04.880 and let's connect. I'm just kind of not in a 1:24:04.920 --> 1:24:08.599 sex mood. You will both. Her anxiety goes down. You 1:24:08.680 --> 1:24:10.639 feel like you don't have to do what you're told, 1:24:10.800 --> 1:24:13.559 which frees you up to actually maybe even want to 1:24:13.600 --> 1:24:16.960 do what's been requested of you in a genuine, authentic way. 1:24:17.120 --> 1:24:21.200 And everyone see, I hear that. That struck a chord 1:24:21.240 --> 1:24:27.800 though with me, just her saying, like, you know, just 1:24:27.880 --> 1:24:31.880 feeling still supported, supported and love just or whatever, just 1:24:31.960 --> 1:24:35.839 because I don't agree with something or I don't follow 1:24:35.880 --> 1:24:39.479 what I feel like I'm being told, Yeah, just go, 1:24:40.360 --> 1:24:44.920 that's important part of his healing it. Yeah, this is 1:24:45.000 --> 1:24:49.559 really big for him. Yeah, okay, so she because I'm 1:24:49.560 --> 1:24:51.880 trying to put myself in her position too. So let's 1:24:51.880 --> 1:24:54.360 say she kind of is beling flirty and wants to 1:24:54.400 --> 1:24:58.599 be intimate with Mike, and she's leading him there. Will 1:24:58.640 --> 1:25:01.680 it land okay on her? When he says, Hey, I'm 1:25:01.680 --> 1:25:03.240 not in the mood right now, let's just cuddle on 1:25:03.280 --> 1:25:07.000 the couch. Could she interpret it as he doesn't want me, 1:25:07.240 --> 1:25:10.560 he doesn't think I'm hot, but not that it's true. 1:25:10.840 --> 1:25:14.799 But her job, like I said before, is to embrace rejection, 1:25:14.840 --> 1:25:17.519 to go bring it on. I can handle it. I 1:25:17.800 --> 1:25:21.360 am strong, I am powerful. I know I'm amazing. Whether 1:25:21.400 --> 1:25:22.960 he wants to have sex with me in this moment 1:25:23.080 --> 1:25:27.600 or not, like, that's her work, and that's also the 1:25:27.600 --> 1:25:30.479 work that will free her to say that's cool, baby, 1:25:30.600 --> 1:25:33.200 like maybe we can find another way to connect. And 1:25:33.200 --> 1:25:36.360 it also that's what will free him up to to 1:25:36.479 --> 1:25:39.880 make a choice based not on rebelling against his childhood, 1:25:39.880 --> 1:25:42.760 but based on what he actually ultimately wants, because he 1:25:42.800 --> 1:25:46.320 doesn't know what he wants. So I hear that, I 1:25:46.360 --> 1:25:50.519 also want to say, I I'm afraid now that I 1:25:50.600 --> 1:25:55.000 might play mind games with I'll say all right, good night, 1:25:55.880 --> 1:26:00.479 you know, in hopes that he'll then want to sleep 1:26:00.479 --> 1:26:02.479 with me or but if you're doing that, then you're 1:26:02.520 --> 1:26:05.320 not doing what I'm recommending right then, and that's not 1:26:05.360 --> 1:26:08.640 what's going to heal this right right, No, I know. 1:26:08.720 --> 1:26:12.000 But but also it's it's about that's about manipulating, that's 1:26:12.000 --> 1:26:14.080 about game playing. I'm like, I'm gonna say no, so 1:26:14.080 --> 1:26:17.080 he'll say yes, you're you're still then playing with the 1:26:17.120 --> 1:26:21.120 authority thing in his history, and he's going to sense 1:26:21.160 --> 1:26:24.880 it unconsciously. So just like you're in tune with him, 1:26:25.000 --> 1:26:28.960 he's in tune with you. Gen Man, You're amazing, and 1:26:29.040 --> 1:26:33.960 I want our listeners to also get um your help. Yes, 1:26:34.520 --> 1:26:37.519 So for everyone listening right now, if you like, seriously, 1:26:37.560 --> 1:26:42.040 nothing is off limits, whether it's sex, family, anything, relationship wise, 1:26:42.840 --> 1:26:46.439 or you know, literally literally anything. UM Gentleman is the 1:26:46.439 --> 1:26:50.680 best therapist. So please email us at wind down at 1:26:50.680 --> 1:26:53.880 I Heart radio dot com. Member Wine is w h 1:26:53.920 --> 1:26:56.360 I n E. So wind down I Heart radio dot 1:26:56.400 --> 1:27:00.720 com and give us your phone number and we will 1:27:00.920 --> 1:27:04.479 call you on air and gen Man will talk to 1:27:04.520 --> 1:27:08.439 you and help answer your questions. We have one. We 1:27:08.439 --> 1:27:11.800 have an email from UM from Cassie, can we read 1:27:11.840 --> 1:27:16.160 an email? Absolutely. Uh, it's called climbing the Hill. I'm 1:27:16.200 --> 1:27:18.200 listening to your podcast at the beginning, and where you 1:27:18.240 --> 1:27:20.880 offered to talk about sex. Is there a topic about 1:27:20.960 --> 1:27:23.839 not being able to climb the hill. I'm very happily 1:27:23.880 --> 1:27:25.720 married to my husband of seven months and we've been 1:27:25.760 --> 1:27:28.320 together for almost four years. Sex is absolutely great, but 1:27:28.360 --> 1:27:35.599 I've never been able to get Yes, she's not getting 1:27:35.640 --> 1:27:41.519 to fruition, is what she's saying. Yeah, go vibe vibrator. 1:27:42.600 --> 1:27:45.000 They're great. But it also sounds like she wants to 1:27:45.040 --> 1:27:49.120 have the experience with with her partner. And and so 1:27:49.800 --> 1:27:53.599 here here's my recommendation, a few recommendations for her. One 1:27:54.040 --> 1:27:57.160 is I'm assuming, since she's not saying that's an issue, 1:27:57.160 --> 1:28:01.000 that she's able to get there by herself. So one 1:28:01.040 --> 1:28:05.120 thing I recommend is have her husband watch how she 1:28:05.160 --> 1:28:10.040 gets herself there herself, because watching that technique. And you know, 1:28:10.080 --> 1:28:13.280 sometimes a lot of the time I had people and 1:28:13.320 --> 1:28:15.920 I wrote a whole column all about this. All at 1:28:16.000 --> 1:28:19.800 the time, women feel uncomfortable, like, you know, somehow men 1:28:19.880 --> 1:28:21.680 are kind of brought up and like, oh, yeah, we 1:28:21.760 --> 1:28:24.640 do that, whereas women tend to have more shame around this. 1:28:24.640 --> 1:28:28.360 This is not just about him watching like, oh are 1:28:28.360 --> 1:28:30.080 you sexy when you do this or not? This is 1:28:30.120 --> 1:28:35.000 about him actually learning where on your body, which side 1:28:35.000 --> 1:28:38.639 of you, which which angle are you sitting up? Are 1:28:38.680 --> 1:28:41.200 you rubbing against something? Like what is it that you're 1:28:41.240 --> 1:28:44.320 doing to get there? And then looking at how can 1:28:44.360 --> 1:28:47.840 we recreate this, whether it's a different position when you're 1:28:47.840 --> 1:28:52.600 having intercourse, or whether it is bringing in a little vibrator, 1:28:52.720 --> 1:28:57.080 or whether it is him doing stuff to her beforehand 1:28:57.160 --> 1:29:00.559 and then at the last minute going there. So there 1:29:00.560 --> 1:29:02.160 are a lot of different ways to get there, but 1:29:02.240 --> 1:29:04.400 one of the most important things, Yeah, he needs to 1:29:04.520 --> 1:29:07.040 exactly he needs to study the map so that he 1:29:07.040 --> 1:29:09.080 can help her to get there. And that's an important 1:29:09.120 --> 1:29:12.519 part of sex because it's we make a lot of 1:29:12.520 --> 1:29:15.840 assumptions about how we're supposed to get there, but the 1:29:15.920 --> 1:29:19.439 truth is that we have to know our partner's body 1:29:19.479 --> 1:29:22.480 and everyone is different and I think women in particular 1:29:23.000 --> 1:29:27.439 are incredibly complex in what gets us there. Dr jen Man. 1:29:27.640 --> 1:29:31.280 Dr jen Man has the Relationship Fix. It's Dr jen 1:29:31.400 --> 1:29:34.439 six Step Guy to improving communication, connection, intimacy. You can 1:29:34.439 --> 1:29:38.000 get this book anywhere right and then again, email your 1:29:38.080 --> 1:29:40.599 questions to wind down at i heeart Radio dot com. 1:29:40.800 --> 1:29:43.040 Any sex questions and send us your number if you 1:29:43.080 --> 1:29:45.599 want us to call you on air and Dr Jenn 1:29:45.640 --> 1:29:48.360 you'll be back right I would help answer my pleasure. Awesome, 1:29:48.400 --> 1:29:51.320 Thank you so much for coming in. Thanksure. You know 1:29:51.360 --> 1:29:54.439 we're moving. We're moving into the new house mark right summer, 1:29:54.600 --> 1:29:59.000 and we have so many boxes back in Nashville storage. Still, 1:29:59.320 --> 1:30:01.519 we have so many pictures and boxes here in l A. 1:30:02.240 --> 1:30:04.639 And it's like we're trying to It's like spring cleaning 1:30:04.680 --> 1:30:07.320 anytime you move anyway, right, So we're trying to consolidate things. 1:30:07.960 --> 1:30:10.240 So do you have any advice on what to do 1:30:10.280 --> 1:30:12.639 with all this stuff? It's like we're kind of pack 1:30:12.720 --> 1:30:14.400 racks within the thousand things where we don't want to 1:30:14.400 --> 1:30:16.240 get rid of it. At such a great moment last Sunday, 1:30:16.280 --> 1:30:17.800 and I was taken out the garbage because Monday is 1:30:17.800 --> 1:30:21.200 garbage day Newberry Park. And in that garbage that I 1:30:21.200 --> 1:30:23.280 took out to the street where half a dozen VHS 1:30:23.320 --> 1:30:26.040 cassettes and I was so happy to get rid of 1:30:26.040 --> 1:30:28.000 those vhs because that's because they've been in a cardboard 1:30:28.040 --> 1:30:31.200 box in the garage literally of my entire adult life, 1:30:32.000 --> 1:30:38.559 my high school graduation, my high school chorus concerts. Yes, yes, 1:30:38.760 --> 1:30:40.560 my high school I was a drummer too, so the 1:30:40.560 --> 1:30:43.000 band concerts. What else was in there? A play I 1:30:43.000 --> 1:30:45.599 did in high school? Uh? My, the show I did 1:30:45.600 --> 1:30:47.320 at disney Land, that who Wants to Be a Millionaire Show? 1:30:47.320 --> 1:30:49.120 There was some of those shows in there. I was 1:30:49.120 --> 1:30:50.920 the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire showt Disneys, 1:30:50.920 --> 1:30:56.240 California anyway, So I sent those to Lexi Box. They 1:30:56.240 --> 1:31:00.559 sent me back to things discs galore and thumb drive 1:31:01.120 --> 1:31:03.920 plug thumb drive in there's everything. All of my tapes 1:31:04.160 --> 1:31:06.679 very in quality, by the way, not legacy boxes fault. 1:31:06.680 --> 1:31:10.400 These are thirty year old VHS tapes. The quality varied, 1:31:10.479 --> 1:31:12.920 and I get it. Oh my wife's um, she was junior. 1:31:12.960 --> 1:31:18.400 Miss you have someone else other than just your marks, 1:31:18.479 --> 1:31:21.639 like none of my kids. This is Marks box, Baby, 1:31:21.640 --> 1:31:23.639 I don't all stuff, and now I have it all. 1:31:23.720 --> 1:31:25.479 And also, and this is not something they advertise, but 1:31:25.520 --> 1:31:28.080 I think this is cool. Each one isn't forty gigs. 1:31:28.360 --> 1:31:30.360 You know, they're actually compressed in a way that it 1:31:30.360 --> 1:31:32.160 doesn't take up a huge amount of space on your computer. 1:31:32.360 --> 1:31:34.680 But they're perfectly clear and perfectly enjoyable. And it's so 1:31:34.760 --> 1:31:37.280 fun to see my high cool graduation which actually didn't 1:31:37.280 --> 1:31:40.439 know it was on that tape. I never thought i'd 1:31:40.439 --> 1:31:42.559 see that again, and there it was. It was really cool. 1:31:42.560 --> 1:31:45.479 So I am a strong proponent of Legacy Box. You 1:31:45.479 --> 1:31:47.840 guys gotta jump on the Legacy boxes. Mark is all 1:31:47.840 --> 1:31:50.720 about it. Go get your year old highlight tapes and 1:31:51.320 --> 1:31:53.479 concerts and all that stuff. Don't worry about everyone else. 1:31:53.479 --> 1:31:55.840 It's just get your stuff saved. Like Mark, it's gonna 1:31:55.920 --> 1:31:59.160 be okay. And audio cassettes, old radio and tapes I 1:31:59.240 --> 1:32:02.160 made with a friend when I was kid. Yeah, all done. 1:32:02.680 --> 1:32:04.040 You gotta get all this stuff. You canna put this 1:32:04.080 --> 1:32:06.320 on Legacy Box too. I guess you have all these 1:32:06.320 --> 1:32:10.080 on digital now. Yeah, that's true. Nowadays a change. Lexi 1:32:10.160 --> 1:32:13.639 Boxes the world's largest most trusted digitizer at home movies 1:32:13.640 --> 1:32:16.759 and photos. Over four during fifty tho families have trusted 1:32:16.840 --> 1:32:20.080 Legacy Box like Mars. There's over a decade of experience 1:32:20.080 --> 1:32:21.599 and all the work is done by hand right here 1:32:21.600 --> 1:32:23.800 in the US. And Plus, for a limited time, they're 1:32:23.800 --> 1:32:26.719 offering our listeners an exclusive discount. Go to Lexi box 1:32:26.760 --> 1:32:29.880 dot com. Slash Janna to get off your first order, 1:32:30.080 --> 1:32:33.240 go to legacy box dot com, slash Janna and say 1:32:33.640 --> 1:32:37.799 today get started preserving your past. You've got some good emails, 1:32:37.960 --> 1:32:39.599 actually have some really good emails. I have so many 1:32:39.600 --> 1:32:41.280 good emails it's hard for me to pick just one 1:32:42.200 --> 1:32:46.400 or two, maybe three. Um, okay, let me start with 1:32:46.439 --> 1:32:49.000 this one. My husband and I failmed a routine of 1:32:49.040 --> 1:32:52.559 work and then playing video games for stress release. One night, 1:32:52.600 --> 1:32:54.320 I told him I would like to have sex in 1:32:54.320 --> 1:32:58.959 an hour, and he said, okay, it's interesting. I shave 1:32:59.040 --> 1:33:02.000 my legs, I got all pretty, I put on lingerie, 1:33:02.120 --> 1:33:03.800 I lit candles in the room, came out to the 1:33:03.840 --> 1:33:05.920 living room and stood in front of him. He fell asleep. 1:33:06.040 --> 1:33:07.800 He lightly nudged me out of the way and told 1:33:07.800 --> 1:33:08.840 me to get out of his waist so we could 1:33:08.840 --> 1:33:11.400 finish his game. I was so hurt by this. I 1:33:11.439 --> 1:33:13.680 broke down in tears. I took his Xbox and I 1:33:13.720 --> 1:33:16.360 threw it off the balcony. Can he have a full 1:33:16.360 --> 1:33:19.080 blown addiction to Xbox? How do I address this? And 1:33:19.080 --> 1:33:20.800 how do I compete with his Xbox? I think you 1:33:20.840 --> 1:33:23.639 have addressed this. I smashed it with a hammer, So 1:33:23.680 --> 1:33:30.240 that was there was an addiction. When I when Jolie 1:33:30.280 --> 1:33:34.320 was napping, I took it. I took his Xbox, his PlayStation. 1:33:34.439 --> 1:33:36.880 Mind you. My band guys were so mad at me. 1:33:37.280 --> 1:33:39.200 Why did you do that? Why didn't you just give 1:33:39.200 --> 1:33:41.000 it to us? I was like, because I had to 1:33:41.040 --> 1:33:44.080 take out my aggression, took a hammer and just went 1:33:44.240 --> 1:33:48.880 to town. Um. And then then then I got monkey 1:33:49.000 --> 1:33:51.760 from her nap. Also, what's warpsetting? And she shaved her 1:33:51.840 --> 1:33:55.560 legs for this, So yeah, Dina Carter Um Michael, do 1:33:55.600 --> 1:33:58.439 you think there's an addiction to it? I'm just curious. 1:33:58.439 --> 1:34:00.920 I'm like, you're because I I think they're deaf. What 1:34:01.040 --> 1:34:03.599 prompted you to do that? Was it? You just he 1:34:03.680 --> 1:34:06.280 was so obsessed with it. He played it all the time. 1:34:07.800 --> 1:34:13.360 It was it was around the discovery of everything. Oh okay, 1:34:14.400 --> 1:34:16.920 and so there's there's more to it than just me 1:34:17.000 --> 1:34:19.680 playing it and I you know, but it was it 1:34:19.720 --> 1:34:23.840 was it was one of those things I'm eating. Really 1:34:24.000 --> 1:34:27.240 really they are really good. Um yeah, I mean I 1:34:27.240 --> 1:34:32.600 think guys can addiction. I think so too. There's a 1:34:32.640 --> 1:34:35.479 reason we don't have video games in my house. I'm 1:34:35.520 --> 1:34:39.360 looking it up right now, But I think that with 1:34:39.560 --> 1:34:42.320 my nephews were like they've done because she's like very 1:34:42.880 --> 1:34:44.320 to all this and she's like, no, we like took 1:34:44.320 --> 1:34:46.000 it out of the house for like three weeks, no phones, 1:34:46.080 --> 1:34:48.080 no nothing, and she's like they literally went through withdrawals 1:34:48.240 --> 1:34:51.400 video gaming addiction therapy. I would ignore my wife and 1:34:51.479 --> 1:34:53.040 kids if I had a video game and I can't 1:34:53.040 --> 1:34:54.840 have it, I just can't. I know me, I know 1:34:54.880 --> 1:34:58.040 I'm have an addictive personality. I can't do it. Um 1:34:58.160 --> 1:35:00.960 feelings of restlessness and or a bill when you're unable 1:35:01.000 --> 1:35:02.800 to play. So for some reason, someone you know, what 1:35:02.880 --> 1:35:04.559 if you didn't have your iPad, Like I can't sleep, 1:35:04.680 --> 1:35:06.960 I have to like play my iPad or look at 1:35:07.000 --> 1:35:09.880 my pad. Well I'm just okay, but you know, I mean, 1:35:09.920 --> 1:35:11.559 I can admit if I didn't on my phone, it's 1:35:11.600 --> 1:35:14.559 like it got for two weeks, I would have this. Yeah. 1:35:14.560 --> 1:35:16.439 She was like my nephew started crying. She was like 1:35:16.439 --> 1:35:19.840 he literally like was not open your occupation with thoughts 1:35:20.040 --> 1:35:23.000 of previous online activity or anticipation in the next online 1:35:23.040 --> 1:35:26.120 session with your buddies, lying to friends or family members 1:35:26.120 --> 1:35:29.360 regarding the amount of time spent playing. It's an addiction 1:35:29.479 --> 1:35:31.599 that sounds like me watching how did you react when 1:35:31.600 --> 1:35:33.360 she did this where you're kind of like, she needs 1:35:33.360 --> 1:35:34.920 to do what she needs to do. Oh, I mean 1:35:34.960 --> 1:35:40.559 I did it when he was gone. You came out 1:35:41.520 --> 1:35:45.240 a bag of Xbox parts. Yeah, I mean I kind 1:35:45.240 --> 1:35:47.839 of anticipated. I didn't say anything about it. And it's 1:35:47.880 --> 1:35:49.640 been one of those things where, by the way, this 1:35:49.680 --> 1:35:52.200 is sounding like I just randomly took your Xbox. I 1:35:52.280 --> 1:35:54.559 said that was after it was after discovery and everything. 1:35:54.760 --> 1:36:00.719 I mean you were in treatment, yes, yeah, so that's yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 1:36:00.800 --> 1:36:04.080 so that's where I was very upset. So that's yeah, yeah, 1:36:04.120 --> 1:36:06.559 so there's more to it for us. But it's one 1:36:06.560 --> 1:36:09.519 of those things where, you know, even my buddies who 1:36:09.600 --> 1:36:12.320 have a bunch of buddies that still play, some have 1:36:12.439 --> 1:36:14.880 young kids, most don't that are still able to play, 1:36:14.960 --> 1:36:17.000 So it's like, you know, do you ever want to 1:36:17.040 --> 1:36:19.200 get back on I'm like, yeah, because it's fun with 1:36:19.200 --> 1:36:21.280 my buddy, especially because all my buddies are back East. 1:36:21.320 --> 1:36:23.160 But it doesn't even matter even if I had it, 1:36:23.160 --> 1:36:26.120 I don't have time. So it's and like you said, 1:36:26.160 --> 1:36:27.800 like it would be a distraction where it's like you 1:36:27.840 --> 1:36:29.479 try to make time. So I can see where the 1:36:29.560 --> 1:36:32.599 people can get addicted but a strong have time. So 1:36:32.720 --> 1:36:38.680 what was your game? Everything? I would play everything, I 1:36:38.720 --> 1:36:40.400 think for our kids though, I mean, you know, because 1:36:40.400 --> 1:36:43.200 I've seen our kids, you know, our our girlfriend right well, 1:36:43.240 --> 1:36:45.200 I mean all them, the boys, they play video games, 1:36:45.240 --> 1:36:47.720 and I don't know. I'm not saying I'm not going 1:36:47.760 --> 1:36:49.519 to have it in the house because I think that's 1:36:49.760 --> 1:36:51.200 naive of me to say that, because I think it's 1:36:51.200 --> 1:36:52.880 a good distraction. It's just like putting the TV on 1:36:52.960 --> 1:36:54.640 for them. But I think there has to be a 1:36:54.640 --> 1:36:59.599 time limits, especially nowadays with the way it's consuming people. 1:36:59.640 --> 1:37:02.760 But I was watching something I thought was interesting. It 1:37:02.880 --> 1:37:04.560 was it's called like Seven Days Out. It's like the 1:37:04.600 --> 1:37:08.200 series on Netflix that talks about like the Westminster Dog Show, 1:37:08.240 --> 1:37:10.639 like going into that the opening of the world's number 1:37:10.680 --> 1:37:13.400 one restaurant in New York. And one of them, one 1:37:13.439 --> 1:37:17.719 of them was this Gaming Tournament or whatever. And Rick Fox, 1:37:17.720 --> 1:37:21.880 the old l a Laker, he owns one of the 1:37:21.960 --> 1:37:25.200 teams that plays in this legal legends like gaming tournament. 1:37:25.880 --> 1:37:29.040 And his son like when he was raising his son, 1:37:29.160 --> 1:37:31.280 like he tried him in all the sports, like you know, 1:37:31.320 --> 1:37:34.200 it's like, you know, he played professional basketball, like put 1:37:34.280 --> 1:37:36.200 us on basketball football, This or whatever just to get 1:37:36.240 --> 1:37:38.639 him to do something. But when it came down to it, 1:37:39.320 --> 1:37:41.599 video of games is what he really enjoyed his son, 1:37:42.160 --> 1:37:43.720 and he was like, well, I can't force him to 1:37:43.720 --> 1:37:47.479 do anything. He tried everything, and this is what he enjoys. 1:37:47.520 --> 1:37:49.960 So instead of making his son do something, he conformed 1:37:49.960 --> 1:37:50.960 to his son. It's like, you know what, this is 1:37:50.960 --> 1:37:53.240 how we spend time, this is how I teach him lessons, 1:37:53.360 --> 1:37:56.320 or this is whatever. So it's still something I appreciate that, 1:37:56.439 --> 1:37:59.600 especially coming from a professional athlete who everyone has that 1:37:59.640 --> 1:38:02.759 stigma of like they're gonna want their si, their sons 1:38:02.840 --> 1:38:04.439 or whatever to make sure they play in this and that. 1:38:04.600 --> 1:38:06.160 He was just like, no, this is what my son's into. 1:38:06.200 --> 1:38:07.840 You know what. I'm going to get into that too. 1:38:08.200 --> 1:38:10.640 So now he plays with his son, he owns a 1:38:10.640 --> 1:38:13.160 professional gaming team and stuff. So IM not saying I 1:38:13.200 --> 1:38:14.640 would do that or people should do that, but I 1:38:14.680 --> 1:38:18.240 just thought it was interesting mindset to have as opposed 1:38:18.280 --> 1:38:19.720 to just making your son do something. If we talked 1:38:19.760 --> 1:38:21.880 about whether your son would be able to play football, 1:38:21.880 --> 1:38:26.960 if you got to play football like daddy, I will not. Yeah, 1:38:27.000 --> 1:38:31.400 I have the stance of I'm not gonna make him 1:38:31.479 --> 1:38:33.880 or encourage, but I'm not going to stop him. But 1:38:33.960 --> 1:38:36.840 what age though, because they say that if you too soon, 1:38:37.000 --> 1:38:40.920 is too is dangerous. Yeah. Fortunately, nowadays, like we were 1:38:40.920 --> 1:38:43.000 talking about this recently, like back when I played, you 1:38:43.040 --> 1:38:46.680 were wearing full pads at like seven years old, eight 1:38:46.760 --> 1:38:48.920 years old. Nowadays they don't. A lot of places don't 1:38:48.920 --> 1:38:51.280 have that where it is flag football until a certain age. 1:38:51.680 --> 1:38:54.160 I wouldn't let him play tackle football. I was twelve 1:38:54.400 --> 1:38:56.559 when I started, and now I was even back you know, 1:38:56.840 --> 1:38:58.600 in the in the nineties, and my parents didn't let 1:38:58.640 --> 1:39:00.960 me play until us twelve, So I would probably have 1:39:00.960 --> 1:39:03.960 a similar rule, no tackle football until twelve years old, 1:39:04.320 --> 1:39:07.280 was six seventh grade and then go from there. By 1:39:07.280 --> 1:39:09.200 the way, I feel like we got kind of off base, 1:39:09.200 --> 1:39:11.439 and I just want to say I'm sorry to the 1:39:11.520 --> 1:39:14.719 reader or sorry to the listener who wrote that email, 1:39:14.720 --> 1:39:17.760 because that's that mustn't really suck to have done all that, 1:39:17.880 --> 1:39:20.480 gone through that and have been turned down like that. 1:39:20.479 --> 1:39:24.040 That you have every right to have been upset. Yeah, 1:39:24.160 --> 1:39:28.519 and hopefully you guys can just set some everything boundaries around. 1:39:28.840 --> 1:39:31.200 But I I do believe in the addiction of SAMs 1:39:31.240 --> 1:39:33.559 for sure, Right that's an issue but he needs to 1:39:33.600 --> 1:39:36.439 realize he has an issue with it. Especially it's not 1:39:36.520 --> 1:39:38.960 like she just randomly came up to him and tried 1:39:38.960 --> 1:39:41.719 to surprise him. Where if you try to interrupt someone 1:39:41.760 --> 1:39:43.679 whether they're doing something they enjoy, I can see why 1:39:44.080 --> 1:39:46.599 maybe you maybe dismiss him and don't want to be interrupted. 1:39:46.600 --> 1:39:47.760 But she said I want to have sex in it 1:39:47.800 --> 1:39:50.200 out and he's like okay, and he was cool, and 1:39:50.240 --> 1:39:54.040 then he was still dismissed. That's I hate that bad 1:39:54.040 --> 1:39:56.880 playing your part, dude. This is Caitlin who has kind 1:39:56.880 --> 1:40:00.400 of a reverse situation of yours. Caitlin's as I had 1:40:00.439 --> 1:40:04.360 a nine month long affair with a woman and it's 1:40:04.360 --> 1:40:06.120 been almost an entire year of my husband and I'm 1:40:06.160 --> 1:40:08.040 working on our marriage. I love my husband more than 1:40:08.040 --> 1:40:09.840 he'll ever know, and those nine months were a very 1:40:09.920 --> 1:40:12.040 dark time for me. During the last year, I've been 1:40:12.040 --> 1:40:13.920 doing anything and everything I can think of to prove 1:40:13.960 --> 1:40:15.360 to my husband I love him and want to be 1:40:15.400 --> 1:40:17.800 with only him. Overall, I think he's doing very well, 1:40:17.840 --> 1:40:19.240 but there are still time when he's sad for no 1:40:19.360 --> 1:40:22.000 reason and almost anything can trigger him. So my question is, 1:40:22.520 --> 1:40:24.439 what do you guys do in those moments? Mike, how 1:40:24.439 --> 1:40:27.479 do you handle Jane and support her during those times? 1:40:27.520 --> 1:40:29.919 And Jana, what does Mike do for you that actually 1:40:29.960 --> 1:40:31.640 works and helps you get through it and see that 1:40:31.680 --> 1:40:34.559 he's genuine because she wants to be seen as genuine 1:40:34.600 --> 1:40:37.760 to her husband. Well, I appreciate you putting the work in. 1:40:38.080 --> 1:40:42.800 I think that's awesome. And I think unfortunately she said 1:40:42.800 --> 1:40:45.160 it with nine months ago it was a nine month affair. 1:40:46.120 --> 1:40:49.639 It's been how long? Um, it's been almost a year? 1:40:49.640 --> 1:40:52.320 You most year. It's just it's time. I mean time 1:40:52.360 --> 1:40:55.679 and consistency. So for me, how I know Mike loves 1:40:55.760 --> 1:40:58.439 me is because he's showing up and he's being consistent 1:40:58.479 --> 1:41:00.880 with his actions. And when he's constant with his actions 1:41:00.920 --> 1:41:02.840 and consistent in what he does and what he says 1:41:02.840 --> 1:41:06.439 and how he treats me, and that things kind of 1:41:06.439 --> 1:41:10.320 equal out, then it makes me feel chosen. It makes 1:41:10.320 --> 1:41:13.760 me feel like he's doing the right thing. Yeah, And 1:41:13.800 --> 1:41:16.400 I mean we are work coming up on three years 1:41:17.640 --> 1:41:19.840 post and I have a hard time with that though, 1:41:19.840 --> 1:41:22.280 because I for us, it's I really just see it 1:41:22.400 --> 1:41:26.240 the past year. Correct. But but just for this argument 1:41:26.360 --> 1:41:29.000 sent sake of where she's at, it's been almost a 1:41:29.080 --> 1:41:32.479 year and think about where we were a year out. 1:41:32.720 --> 1:41:34.920 It's like it was. I mean, we still had a 1:41:34.960 --> 1:41:36.880 lot of work to do. Yeah, I guess I still 1:41:36.920 --> 1:41:39.760 had a lot of work to do myself. So you know, 1:41:39.920 --> 1:41:44.799 it's just been in the last yeah, yeah, ten months, 1:41:45.560 --> 1:41:49.680 twelve months, I mean year basically that it's basically been, yeah, year, 1:41:49.760 --> 1:41:55.880 almost a year. Um that we've really now since however, 1:41:55.960 --> 1:42:05.679 so however that's almost year yeah, sorry, Um, so it's still, 1:42:05.960 --> 1:42:08.960 like Janna said, is just going to take consistent, consistency 1:42:09.040 --> 1:42:12.760 over time. That's it. There's no quick fix unfortunately no. 1:42:12.960 --> 1:42:17.760 And for her, she's got to try to grieve with him. 1:42:17.960 --> 1:42:19.640 And that's the thing. When Janna would be able to 1:42:19.680 --> 1:42:23.040 see my pain that it hurt me to what the 1:42:23.080 --> 1:42:25.120 things that happened. I haven't said that to you. Last 1:42:25.160 --> 1:42:26.720 night I brought up to him, I said, what might 1:42:26.720 --> 1:42:29.040 help me sometimes because we are getting so far away 1:42:29.080 --> 1:42:31.400 from it is And he's like, you know, if you 1:42:31.439 --> 1:42:33.960 think about it every so often, I'm like, I know, 1:42:34.000 --> 1:42:35.760 I think about it every day, and I just don't 1:42:35.800 --> 1:42:37.080 tell you every day that I think about it. I 1:42:37.120 --> 1:42:38.840 don't think about it as many times as I used 1:42:38.840 --> 1:42:42.320 think about it severity, but I think about it at 1:42:42.400 --> 1:42:44.360 least comes in my brain at least once a day, 1:42:44.560 --> 1:42:49.679 and it's my it's my growth to be able to 1:42:49.760 --> 1:42:51.400 let it go in and let it go out and 1:42:51.479 --> 1:42:54.360 not let me go down the rabbit hole. But what 1:42:54.760 --> 1:42:56.320 I said, what might help me, I go, you know 1:42:56.360 --> 1:42:58.599 what would help me is I didn't know. I don't 1:42:58.600 --> 1:43:00.479 know that you have those days too. Would be nice 1:43:00.479 --> 1:43:03.080 to know that you have days of shame or days 1:43:03.120 --> 1:43:06.800 of and then I can we can be we can 1:43:06.920 --> 1:43:09.800 what's that word like? We can grieve together? Can grieve together? Yeah, 1:43:09.840 --> 1:43:12.720 And she may think in this email, she may think 1:43:12.760 --> 1:43:14.719 that if she brings that she she may be feeling 1:43:14.760 --> 1:43:16.519 that stuff, but not bring it up because and this 1:43:16.600 --> 1:43:18.240 is how I would feel. I wouldn't bring it up 1:43:18.240 --> 1:43:20.120 because wouldn't want to trigger it and bring it to 1:43:20.200 --> 1:43:22.840 Jan's intention when really she's thinking about it all the time, 1:43:23.120 --> 1:43:25.120 especially at that point. So bring it to him and 1:43:25.400 --> 1:43:27.880 share with him how you're feeling about it, and that 1:43:27.960 --> 1:43:30.120 might soften him be like, oh, wow, you do really care. 1:43:30.160 --> 1:43:32.320 There's probably a whole another aspect for him too, because 1:43:32.360 --> 1:43:35.599 it was with a woman, So maybe for him he's like, yeah, 1:43:35.640 --> 1:43:39.920 that'd be tough. He's probably very confused, and there's probably 1:43:39.920 --> 1:43:42.080 a lot going on in there. I mean I would 1:43:42.120 --> 1:43:44.200 when you be confused, if Ty wasn't the guy, I 1:43:44.200 --> 1:43:47.719 would be and then came back and then I would 1:43:47.720 --> 1:43:50.240 just I'm sure I would. I feel like she needs 1:43:50.280 --> 1:43:53.559 to be really understanding of like what, like how's going 1:43:53.600 --> 1:43:57.400 on in his Do you think that's more hurtful? Is 1:43:57.439 --> 1:44:00.360 it fair to say one it's fair to one is 1:44:00.360 --> 1:44:02.040 more horful than the other. I really don't. I don't 1:44:02.080 --> 1:44:04.320 think it's more. I don't think it's fair to say, well, 1:44:04.360 --> 1:44:06.040 you didn't love any of the people you're with, or 1:44:06.160 --> 1:44:08.320 they she didn't love this person. It was just a 1:44:08.400 --> 1:44:10.599 quick fix. It's I don't think any of those there's 1:44:10.680 --> 1:44:13.760 no amount of pain. Also, it's nine months. I mean 1:44:13.800 --> 1:44:16.320 it wasn't a one night stand. Yeah, yeah, so I 1:44:16.320 --> 1:44:18.800 mean that too. I think that's just hard. In the 1:44:18.920 --> 1:44:21.720 extra layer of so you still do start to earn 1:44:21.720 --> 1:44:24.800 trust back, but it's like you're not just worried about 1:44:25.520 --> 1:44:29.520 the one sex, You're worried about her making a new girlfriend. 1:44:30.360 --> 1:44:32.760 You're hanging out with this female more and you guys 1:44:32.760 --> 1:44:35.840 are just friends. But get the trust back, But does 1:44:35.880 --> 1:44:38.200 she always been back? In my mind? Does she really 1:44:38.240 --> 1:44:42.360 even want to be with me? Men? In general? It's interesting. 1:44:43.720 --> 1:44:46.880 I'd like to end of the light lighter. This is 1:44:46.920 --> 1:44:49.840 from Brittany, and this is hilarious. Six years ago, I 1:44:49.880 --> 1:44:51.880 fell off a bar stool and broke my collar bone 1:44:52.720 --> 1:44:55.120 and was prescribed pain medication that made me the most 1:44:55.120 --> 1:44:58.280 emotional and crazy human I've ever been. I guess one 1:44:58.400 --> 1:45:03.160 night I tweeted Janet Ramer sucks live. Thank you. I remember. 1:45:04.760 --> 1:45:07.040 I remember the next day looking at my phone and 1:45:07.080 --> 1:45:09.200 seeing that Janet tweeted me back, and a lot of 1:45:09.200 --> 1:45:10.840 her fans did. And when I first thought I had 1:45:10.840 --> 1:45:13.080 no idea what was going on, I don't remember tweeting 1:45:13.080 --> 1:45:15.160 that at all, but apparently I did. I would like 1:45:15.200 --> 1:45:19.080 to apologize for tweeting her six years ago that she 1:45:19.160 --> 1:45:25.200 sucks live. I'm so sorry. First of all, don't be sorry, Brittney, 1:45:25.320 --> 1:45:29.519 We've been look. First of all, love you. I'm I'm 1:45:29.560 --> 1:45:31.799 glad that I retreated you. I'm sorry if anyone anyone 1:45:32.040 --> 1:45:34.599 remain to you, but I probably did. I mean, I'm 1:45:34.600 --> 1:45:38.519 not the greatest live, so I do kind of suck live. 1:45:38.680 --> 1:45:41.720 Challenge challenge I've always said, and this is completely unbiased, 1:45:41.840 --> 1:45:45.280 don't you see service again coming out. I think you're 1:45:45.320 --> 1:45:49.080 one of the best live performers I've seen period, hands 1:45:49.120 --> 1:45:52.479 down over every all the you know shows I've been 1:45:52.479 --> 1:45:55.040 to with you. I think you are hands down one 1:45:55.080 --> 1:45:57.720 of the best where even some of your songs you 1:45:57.760 --> 1:46:00.679 perform live. I like that version better than the album. Thanks, 1:46:01.479 --> 1:46:06.559 I completely he's your husband check with somebody who's not 1:46:06.560 --> 1:46:17.120 your husband. Incredible. She brings the energy every single time. Well, 1:46:17.160 --> 1:46:20.479 I I was funny, but now Brett Brett, It's all 1:46:20.479 --> 1:46:23.760 good girl. It's you know, we all do things. We 1:46:23.840 --> 1:46:27.880 all have the ambient tweets, right, it's all good. She 1:46:27.920 --> 1:46:31.360 was drawn, she was, but she was mixing. Yeah. That 1:46:34.720 --> 1:46:36.720 On that note, a huge thank you to open Fit. 1:46:36.800 --> 1:46:38.960 You will get full access to open Fit totally free 1:46:39.000 --> 1:46:42.519 when you text Janna to zip Recruiter. Try zip recruiter 1:46:42.600 --> 1:46:46.439 for free at this exclusive website, zip recruiter dot com 1:46:46.479 --> 1:46:49.519 slash Janna, Visit noon dot com slash Janna to start 1:46:49.520 --> 1:46:52.280 your child today, and last, but not least, our favorite, 1:46:52.360 --> 1:46:54.679 Legacy Box. Go to legacy box dot com slash Janna 1:46:54.720 --> 1:46:58.120 to get off your first order. I'm it's gonna stop 1:46:58.160 --> 1:47:02.760 talking because apparently I suck. So you're saying under the 1:47:02.760 --> 1:47:08.639 sea last night. Alright, let's wind down again next week. Guys, 1:47:13.200 --> 1:47:13.840 that fun