WEBVTT - I Choose ... MORE with Valerie Bertinelli

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome

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<v Speaker 1>back to I Choose Me. My guest Valerie Bertinelli has

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<v Speaker 1>embraced the idea of showing up perfectly imperfect in ways

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<v Speaker 1>that feel brave and deeply human. Our conversation about her

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<v Speaker 1>new memoir, Getting Naked, continues now with even more truth

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<v Speaker 1>and the courage to be seen as you are. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>first things first, the subtitle of your book Getting Naked

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<v Speaker 1>is the quiet work of becoming perfectly imperfect.

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<v Speaker 2>Why Because I've tried my whole life to be perfect,

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<v Speaker 2>to be the perfect angel, to be the perfect actress,

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<v Speaker 2>to be the perfect worker bee, to do everything perfect,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's impossible. And if I wanted to get out

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<v Speaker 2>of that loop, that crazy cycle, I had to be

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<v Speaker 2>okay with it being imperfect because I was still doing

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<v Speaker 2>my best. And just because you're doing your best doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>mean it's going to be perfect. And it is a

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<v Speaker 2>quiet work, because.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I was going to ask you about that.

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<v Speaker 2>You call it a quiet It is a very quiet

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<v Speaker 2>work because it's between your brain and your heart, and

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<v Speaker 2>your heart and your brain and your emotions and quietly

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<v Speaker 2>being curious about your emotions and letting your brain. Oh,

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<v Speaker 2>our brains are so magical. There's the neuroplasty is like

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<v Speaker 2>you can form and shape your brain into anything you want.

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<v Speaker 2>You can, And if you can tell yourself you're a

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<v Speaker 2>terrible human being, you can also tell yourself I'm really good.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm really good at this. Maybe that's not my gift,

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<v Speaker 2>but this is my gift, or maybe like they're not.

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<v Speaker 2>Everybody's great at everything. Find what you're great at. If

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<v Speaker 2>you're just you can. You can tell yourself anything and

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<v Speaker 2>you will believe it. So you want to believe that

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<v Speaker 2>it's good.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, make sure you're giving yourself the bad.

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<v Speaker 2>Because you deserve that too. Yeah, you don't deserve the

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<v Speaker 2>bad stuff.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean, but for so many of us, probably

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<v Speaker 1>all of us, I would imagine, perfection has been fed

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<v Speaker 1>to us as the you know, goal, end goal, right

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<v Speaker 1>in so many ways?

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<v Speaker 2>Right?

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<v Speaker 1>What do you say to yourself each day to help

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<v Speaker 1>you break that unrealistic cycle or expectation of yourself?

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<v Speaker 2>Lesson learned, Like if something didn't go the way I

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<v Speaker 2>wanted it to and I made a mistake, it's like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>won't do that again, or maybe I will because I

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<v Speaker 2>need a harder lesson. But it's all a lesson, like

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<v Speaker 2>anything I I I think a big, huge, loud mistake

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<v Speaker 2>is a gift because from that we can self reflect

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<v Speaker 2>and figure out what it is about that big loud

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<v Speaker 2>mistake that we needed to go through so we could learn,

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<v Speaker 2>learn to be better, learn to be a little bit

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<v Speaker 2>more compassionate, a little bit more aware, just whatever it may,

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<v Speaker 2>whatever that lesson may be. The bigger the mistake, the bigger,

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<v Speaker 2>the more life changing the lesson, So appreciate it. It's

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<v Speaker 2>not perfect, it's imperfection, and through those imperfections you're going

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<v Speaker 2>to learn some great lessons.

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<v Speaker 1>How to love yourself imperfectly. Yeah, yeah, I love that.

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<v Speaker 1>You say we should celebrate our triggers, get curious about them,

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<v Speaker 1>tell us more.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, just sort of like what I was just saying,

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<v Speaker 2>like when a big mistake happens, or when somebody triggers you,

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<v Speaker 2>or or I wish there was a better word for it,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, just makes you feel something you don't want

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<v Speaker 2>to feel. Yeah. Yeah, pokes the bear pokes, the bear

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<v Speaker 2>presses the bruise that didn't you know, go away from

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<v Speaker 2>childhood or wherever it came from. It's an opportunity to

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<v Speaker 2>get curious about why, Like if that still hurts, what

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<v Speaker 2>else do I need to worry? Gone? Like if this,

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<v Speaker 2>like like when my vulnerability and my shame was used

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<v Speaker 2>against me, it's like, oh okay, So that means I

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<v Speaker 2>haven't healed something that I need to heal so it

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<v Speaker 2>can't be used against me. So those triggers are gifts. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>use them to help yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>I was just I mean, I was thinking a lot

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<v Speaker 1>about this this past week, having been triggered and realizing

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<v Speaker 1>that what happens to me when I get triggered at

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<v Speaker 1>this point?

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<v Speaker 2>And where do you feel it in your body? Right?

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<v Speaker 1>And who I tend to take it out on? Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>and one me always number one me? I take it

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<v Speaker 1>out of me and to my husband.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh and because he's the safe place.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but for how long? You know you think I

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<v Speaker 1>cannot continue to do that. That's not why he's with me, right,

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<v Speaker 1>But it's through that mistake, through those mistakes that trigger

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<v Speaker 1>moment when I sat back and thought, what why?

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<v Speaker 2>But you have come stations about it later, right, Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>so it probably brings you closer.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we learned from it. Yeah, that's what it takes.

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<v Speaker 2>That's what triggers are good for. Activate when someone activates me,

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<v Speaker 2>that's what it is. Yeah, Like if I get activated,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, well, that's worse I'm coming from. That shouldn't

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<v Speaker 2>activate me because I'm supposed to be like solid in

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<v Speaker 2>my you know self.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and then you ask yourself, why am I? Why

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<v Speaker 1>am I getting activated?

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<v Speaker 2>Right now? What's that weakness there? What's that? What's a

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<v Speaker 2>better word than weakness because that sounds a derogatory But.

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<v Speaker 1>I always get that touching. That's the nerse, that softness.

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<v Speaker 2>What's the bruise?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yep, Okay, let's talk about empathy. You write that

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<v Speaker 1>you felt like you lost track of empathy for a while.

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<v Speaker 1>Can you tell your story of being on the one

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<v Speaker 1>on one free way because I felt that one man.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, sometimes my Italian comes out. I let a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of shit roll off my back. But there's sometimes

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<v Speaker 2>or I'm just like triggered activated all of it? Is

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<v Speaker 2>it usually in the car? Yes? Always? I mean I

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<v Speaker 2>almost got triggered coming up here because something happened on

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<v Speaker 2>the freeway and it was like backed up near the

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<v Speaker 2>Glendale and I'm like, are you kidding me? It's afternoon.

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<v Speaker 2>Then I thought, well, wait a minute, and then I

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<v Speaker 2>went past it's like, oh, there's a little fender bender,

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<v Speaker 2>a bumper. You nobody's hurt, thank goodness, but yeah, that

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<v Speaker 2>shit happens. And of course as I'm driving, micup, pay

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<v Speaker 2>attention better next time. But it's like, oh, stop, just stop.

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<v Speaker 2>That little bossy me that was bossy to my brothers

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<v Speaker 2>always comes out at inopportune moments.

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<v Speaker 1>But as you realize that you were having trouble being

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<v Speaker 1>empathetic towards.

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<v Speaker 2>It, because I was, so you know, there's a zipper

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<v Speaker 2>method when you're getting onto the freeway. Yes, one car,

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<v Speaker 2>one car, one car car. You don't let two cars

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<v Speaker 2>in and you don't try to get in. It's one car,

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<v Speaker 2>one car car. It's the zipper method. And someone was

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<v Speaker 2>trying to mess up the zipper And I'm like, are

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<v Speaker 2>you kidding me? Like don't you know, yeah, you'll Gourna

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<v Speaker 2>is still gonna get there, But why are you making

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<v Speaker 2>all of us wait, I'm We've been patient.

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<v Speaker 1>That happens like every exit rampo not.

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<v Speaker 2>To screwing with the zipper methods. So anyway, then I decided,

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<v Speaker 2>you know what, wait a minute, maybe they got to

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<v Speaker 2>get off the freeway, Maybe they gotta you know, maybe

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<v Speaker 2>got a poop coming. Maybe there's there is sad about

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<v Speaker 2>something there. You don't know there's such. There's this word

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<v Speaker 2>called sounder that I adore, and it's about everyone that

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<v Speaker 2>you pass, no matter how briefly in your side. I

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<v Speaker 2>they have a full, well, beautiful complex life. And this

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<v Speaker 2>person in the car that screwed up the zipper has

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<v Speaker 2>that right. So I need to just like sip back

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<v Speaker 2>and go okay this, you know, just sometimes you just

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<v Speaker 2>have to be more patient.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it takes training, though, it does, especially on these freeways.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, I mean I'm to try. I live probably four

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<v Speaker 2>or five ten miles maybe maybe max ten miles from

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<v Speaker 2>downtown LA, and it's never taken me less than forty

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<v Speaker 2>five fifty minutes to get there.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah. You can't go anywhere in LA no matter what time,

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<v Speaker 1>it's always going to be at least an hour.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Yeah, And people wonder why if someone lives in

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<v Speaker 2>Santa Mona don't want to come to the valley.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not friends with people no Petamonica. Now, like I've

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<v Speaker 1>lost my friend Brian, never never heard from him again.

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<v Speaker 2>People just need to know the freeway systems out here,

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<v Speaker 2>and it sucks.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah yeah, okay, uh you say that, you say that

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<v Speaker 1>you have to choose to be empathetic to practice it,

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<v Speaker 1>like learning the piano or something. How do you choose

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<v Speaker 1>to be empathetic?

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<v Speaker 2>Put yourself in their place, put yourself in their shoes always,

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<v Speaker 2>and what would be your reaction? What would you be doing.

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<v Speaker 2>I became so angry for a while because I was

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<v Speaker 2>so constantly being triggered in my life and I was

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<v Speaker 2>going through a lot of surgeries, and I was just

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<v Speaker 2>like miserable, and I kept trying to pull myself out

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<v Speaker 2>of it, like, come on, this is but least you

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<v Speaker 2>get to go and have surgery. At least you get

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<v Speaker 2>to whatever are gonna heal. I'm gonna it's gonna heal.

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<v Speaker 2>It's gonna get better. And though it took four and

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<v Speaker 2>still I still have to have one more. But it

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<v Speaker 2>if I put myself in someone else's situation and I

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<v Speaker 2>can try to see it from and we're never going

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<v Speaker 2>to actually be able to fully see them the way

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<v Speaker 2>they view things, because we all have our own ghosts

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<v Speaker 2>and we all have our own background, you can then

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<v Speaker 2>be a little bit more empathetic with what they're going through.

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like that That's how I feel about my

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<v Speaker 2>second husband. Now I have empathy for him where I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't before. I was just so angry. Now I'm like,

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<v Speaker 2>I get it.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, he was scary and what you're working with? Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>right right? I think about a lot when I'm in traffic.

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<v Speaker 1>I think about I get curious instead of angry like that.

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<v Speaker 1>I try to flip it right away.

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<v Speaker 2>That's a great, great thing I do.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, I wonder why they're in such a rush, right,

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<v Speaker 1>wonder if everything's over right with them?

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<v Speaker 2>And I always feel noisy, and then I want to

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<v Speaker 2>pull with them.

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<v Speaker 1>I need a look. I need a good look. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>speaking of practices, I love your meditations and.

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<v Speaker 2>The bad thank you. I wouldn't courage anyone to see

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<v Speaker 2>if they could get that on audio. And are you

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<v Speaker 2>going to be recording your book? I recorded it, okay,

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<v Speaker 2>you did? Yeah, and I cried multiple times reading it.

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<v Speaker 2>We had to stop a few times. But I think

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<v Speaker 2>it might be helpful to listen to those meditations more

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<v Speaker 2>so than reading them. Although they're perfectly fine to read.

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<v Speaker 2>I just think listening to them, I was really careful

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<v Speaker 2>to make sure that they were soothing and calm and

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<v Speaker 2>would hopefully help somebody through it.

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<v Speaker 1>Right, Yeah, run out and get that audiobook.

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<v Speaker 2>People.

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<v Speaker 1>You wrote a beautiful poem thank you, which I'm going

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<v Speaker 1>to just read a little bit of if you don't mind.

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<v Speaker 1>But you guys are going to have to read the

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<v Speaker 1>rest of the book yourself in a warm bath. I

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<v Speaker 1>am with myself. I am present. I feel my body

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<v Speaker 1>tense before it relaxes. My thoughts slow, the racing abates.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel a different kind of weight on my chest comfort.

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<v Speaker 1>I am snug. I am able to close my eyes

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<v Speaker 1>and breathe. I am able to exhale. That's just some

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<v Speaker 1>of it. Yeah, just saying it out loud, it.

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<v Speaker 2>Just it calms me.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, why do you practice meditation?

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<v Speaker 2>It centers me. And let me be very clear. I

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<v Speaker 2>don't do it every day. Okay, maybe I do it

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<v Speaker 2>like I basically did it this morning without even realizing

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<v Speaker 2>it by doing this, yeah, because I was anxious. So

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<v Speaker 2>that is meditation. And I think we don't give ourselves

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<v Speaker 2>enough credit for what meditation is. Right.

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<v Speaker 1>We think we have to sit on a mat in

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<v Speaker 1>an uncomfortable position now with incense earning.

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<v Speaker 2>A candle burning or whatever. And you could do that

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<v Speaker 2>because it feels really good to do that.

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<v Speaker 1>You could go there.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And you can meditate in a bath. That's how

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<v Speaker 2>I wrote that. I was talking into my phone. And

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<v Speaker 2>you can meditate just staring at the ocean. You can

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<v Speaker 2>meditate just watching your cat clean itself. You can meditate

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<v Speaker 2>where it lets your mind just be and just wander

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<v Speaker 2>to a place of serenity. And I think when you

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<v Speaker 2>watch things that you find beautiful, that will help you

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<v Speaker 2>do it as well. So meditation can be anything where

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<v Speaker 2>you calm yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if watching the cat clean itself is

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<v Speaker 1>going to do that for me.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, my cats, I just love when they just like

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<v Speaker 2>do this, and when the cats do that, I'm like, like,

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<v Speaker 2>I get the little heart eyes. I love watching my

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<v Speaker 2>cats clean their faces. They're so precious.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh and it's the beauty of just being in those

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<v Speaker 1>little simple moments, yeah, and appreciating them. Yeah, that's what

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<v Speaker 1>keeps you.

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<v Speaker 2>Say, in your skin. Yeah, yeah, being present. It's bringing

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<v Speaker 2>yourself back to your body, trying to ground yourself.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, thank you so much. You are wonderful. I knew

0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:47.160
<v Speaker 1>you would be. You've blown my expectations out of the water.

0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:48.400
<v Speaker 2>Oh you're a sweetheart.

0:12:48.400 --> 0:12:50.440
<v Speaker 1>I've always been a fan and I always will be

0:12:51.800 --> 0:12:55.840
<v Speaker 1>getting naked. The quiet work of becoming perfectly imperfect is

0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:59.679
<v Speaker 1>available wherever you find your books and Valerie's Place, her

0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:03.880
<v Speaker 1>new virtual platform, is available on the App Store and

0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:05.120
<v Speaker 1>Google Play Yes

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<v Speaker 2>And you can go to the website Valarsplace dot com