Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to I Choose Me. My guest Valerie Bertinelli has
Speaker 1: embraced the idea of showing up perfectly imperfect in ways
Speaker 1: that feel brave and deeply human. Our conversation about her
Speaker 1: new memoir, Getting Naked, continues now with even more truth
Speaker 1: and the courage to be seen as you are. Okay,
Speaker 1: first things first, the subtitle of your book Getting Naked
Speaker 1: is the quiet work of becoming perfectly imperfect.
Speaker 2: Why Because I've tried my whole life to be perfect,
Speaker 2: to be the perfect angel, to be the perfect actress,
Speaker 2: to be the perfect worker bee, to do everything perfect,
Speaker 2: and it's impossible. And if I wanted to get out
Speaker 2: of that loop, that crazy cycle, I had to be
Speaker 2: okay with it being imperfect because I was still doing
Speaker 2: my best. And just because you're doing your best doesn't
Speaker 2: mean it's going to be perfect. And it is a
Speaker 2: quiet work, because.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to ask you about that.
Speaker 2: You call it a quiet It is a very quiet
Speaker 2: work because it's between your brain and your heart, and
Speaker 2: your heart and your brain and your emotions and quietly
Speaker 2: being curious about your emotions and letting your brain. Oh,
Speaker 2: our brains are so magical. There's the neuroplasty is like
Speaker 2: you can form and shape your brain into anything you want.
Speaker 2: You can, And if you can tell yourself you're a
Speaker 2: terrible human being, you can also tell yourself I'm really good.
Speaker 2: I'm really good at this. Maybe that's not my gift,
Speaker 2: but this is my gift, or maybe like they're not.
Speaker 2: Everybody's great at everything. Find what you're great at. If
Speaker 2: you're just you can. You can tell yourself anything and
Speaker 2: you will believe it. So you want to believe that
Speaker 2: it's good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, make sure you're giving yourself the bad.
Speaker 2: Because you deserve that too. Yeah, you don't deserve the
Speaker 2: bad stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, but for so many of us, probably
Speaker 1: all of us, I would imagine, perfection has been fed
Speaker 1: to us as the you know, goal, end goal, right
Speaker 1: in so many ways?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: What do you say to yourself each day to help
Speaker 1: you break that unrealistic cycle or expectation of yourself?
Speaker 2: Lesson learned, Like if something didn't go the way I
Speaker 2: wanted it to and I made a mistake, it's like, oh,
Speaker 2: won't do that again, or maybe I will because I
Speaker 2: need a harder lesson. But it's all a lesson, like
Speaker 2: anything I I I think a big, huge, loud mistake
Speaker 2: is a gift because from that we can self reflect
Speaker 2: and figure out what it is about that big loud
Speaker 2: mistake that we needed to go through so we could learn,
Speaker 2: learn to be better, learn to be a little bit
Speaker 2: more compassionate, a little bit more aware, just whatever it may,
Speaker 2: whatever that lesson may be. The bigger the mistake, the bigger,
Speaker 2: the more life changing the lesson, So appreciate it. It's
Speaker 2: not perfect, it's imperfection, and through those imperfections you're going
Speaker 2: to learn some great lessons.
Speaker 1: How to love yourself imperfectly. Yeah, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1: You say we should celebrate our triggers, get curious about them,
Speaker 1: tell us more.
Speaker 2: Well, just sort of like what I was just saying,
Speaker 2: like when a big mistake happens, or when somebody triggers you,
Speaker 2: or or I wish there was a better word for it,
Speaker 2: you know, just makes you feel something you don't want
Speaker 2: to feel. Yeah. Yeah, pokes the bear pokes, the bear
Speaker 2: presses the bruise that didn't you know, go away from
Speaker 2: childhood or wherever it came from. It's an opportunity to
Speaker 2: get curious about why, Like if that still hurts, what
Speaker 2: else do I need to worry? Gone? Like if this,
Speaker 2: like like when my vulnerability and my shame was used
Speaker 2: against me, it's like, oh okay, So that means I
Speaker 2: haven't healed something that I need to heal so it
Speaker 2: can't be used against me. So those triggers are gifts. Yeah,
Speaker 2: use them to help yourself.
Speaker 1: I was just I mean, I was thinking a lot
Speaker 1: about this this past week, having been triggered and realizing
Speaker 1: that what happens to me when I get triggered at
Speaker 1: this point?
Speaker 2: And where do you feel it in your body? Right?
Speaker 1: And who I tend to take it out on? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and one me always number one me? I take it
Speaker 1: out of me and to my husband.
Speaker 2: Oh and because he's the safe place.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but for how long? You know you think I
Speaker 1: cannot continue to do that. That's not why he's with me, right,
Speaker 1: But it's through that mistake, through those mistakes that trigger
Speaker 1: moment when I sat back and thought, what why?
Speaker 2: But you have come stations about it later, right, Yeah,
Speaker 2: so it probably brings you closer.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we learned from it. Yeah, that's what it takes.
Speaker 2: That's what triggers are good for. Activate when someone activates me,
Speaker 2: that's what it is. Yeah, Like if I get activated,
Speaker 2: I'm like, well, that's worse I'm coming from. That shouldn't
Speaker 2: activate me because I'm supposed to be like solid in
Speaker 2: my you know self.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then you ask yourself, why am I? Why
Speaker 1: am I getting activated?
Speaker 2: Right now? What's that weakness there? What's that? What's a
Speaker 2: better word than weakness because that sounds a derogatory But.
Speaker 1: I always get that touching. That's the nerse, that softness.
Speaker 2: What's the bruise?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, Okay, let's talk about empathy. You write that
Speaker 1: you felt like you lost track of empathy for a while.
Speaker 1: Can you tell your story of being on the one
Speaker 1: on one free way because I felt that one man.
Speaker 2: I mean, sometimes my Italian comes out. I let a
Speaker 2: lot of shit roll off my back. But there's sometimes
Speaker 2: or I'm just like triggered activated all of it? Is
Speaker 2: it usually in the car? Yes? Always? I mean I
Speaker 2: almost got triggered coming up here because something happened on
Speaker 2: the freeway and it was like backed up near the
Speaker 2: Glendale and I'm like, are you kidding me? It's afternoon.
Speaker 2: Then I thought, well, wait a minute, and then I
Speaker 2: went past it's like, oh, there's a little fender bender,
Speaker 2: a bumper. You nobody's hurt, thank goodness, but yeah, that
Speaker 2: shit happens. And of course as I'm driving, micup, pay
Speaker 2: attention better next time. But it's like, oh, stop, just stop.
Speaker 2: That little bossy me that was bossy to my brothers
Speaker 2: always comes out at inopportune moments.
Speaker 1: But as you realize that you were having trouble being
Speaker 1: empathetic towards.
Speaker 2: It, because I was, so you know, there's a zipper
Speaker 2: method when you're getting onto the freeway. Yes, one car,
Speaker 2: one car, one car car. You don't let two cars
Speaker 2: in and you don't try to get in. It's one car,
Speaker 2: one car car. It's the zipper method. And someone was
Speaker 2: trying to mess up the zipper And I'm like, are
Speaker 2: you kidding me? Like don't you know, yeah, you'll Gourna
Speaker 2: is still gonna get there, But why are you making
Speaker 2: all of us wait, I'm We've been patient.
Speaker 1: That happens like every exit rampo not.
Speaker 2: To screwing with the zipper methods. So anyway, then I decided,
Speaker 2: you know what, wait a minute, maybe they got to
Speaker 2: get off the freeway, Maybe they gotta you know, maybe
Speaker 2: got a poop coming. Maybe there's there is sad about
Speaker 2: something there. You don't know there's such. There's this word
Speaker 2: called sounder that I adore, and it's about everyone that
Speaker 2: you pass, no matter how briefly in your side. I
Speaker 2: they have a full, well, beautiful complex life. And this
Speaker 2: person in the car that screwed up the zipper has
Speaker 2: that right. So I need to just like sip back
Speaker 2: and go okay this, you know, just sometimes you just
Speaker 2: have to be more patient.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it takes training, though, it does, especially on these freeways.
Speaker 2: Yes, I mean I'm to try. I live probably four
Speaker 2: or five ten miles maybe maybe max ten miles from
Speaker 2: downtown LA, and it's never taken me less than forty
Speaker 2: five fifty minutes to get there.
Speaker 1: Yeah. You can't go anywhere in LA no matter what time,
Speaker 1: it's always going to be at least an hour.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And people wonder why if someone lives in
Speaker 2: Santa Mona don't want to come to the valley.
Speaker 1: I'm not friends with people no Petamonica. Now, like I've
Speaker 1: lost my friend Brian, never never heard from him again.
Speaker 2: People just need to know the freeway systems out here,
Speaker 2: and it sucks.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, okay, uh you say that, you say that
Speaker 1: you have to choose to be empathetic to practice it,
Speaker 1: like learning the piano or something. How do you choose
Speaker 1: to be empathetic?
Speaker 2: Put yourself in their place, put yourself in their shoes always,
Speaker 2: and what would be your reaction? What would you be doing.
Speaker 2: I became so angry for a while because I was
Speaker 2: so constantly being triggered in my life and I was
Speaker 2: going through a lot of surgeries, and I was just
Speaker 2: like miserable, and I kept trying to pull myself out
Speaker 2: of it, like, come on, this is but least you
Speaker 2: get to go and have surgery. At least you get
Speaker 2: to whatever are gonna heal. I'm gonna it's gonna heal.
Speaker 2: It's gonna get better. And though it took four and
Speaker 2: still I still have to have one more. But it
Speaker 2: if I put myself in someone else's situation and I
Speaker 2: can try to see it from and we're never going
Speaker 2: to actually be able to fully see them the way
Speaker 2: they view things, because we all have our own ghosts
Speaker 2: and we all have our own background, you can then
Speaker 2: be a little bit more empathetic with what they're going through.
Speaker 2: I feel like that That's how I feel about my
Speaker 2: second husband. Now I have empathy for him where I
Speaker 2: didn't before. I was just so angry. Now I'm like,
Speaker 2: I get it.
Speaker 1: Okay, he was scary and what you're working with? Yeah,
Speaker 1: right right? I think about a lot when I'm in traffic.
Speaker 1: I think about I get curious instead of angry like that.
Speaker 1: I try to flip it right away.
Speaker 2: That's a great, great thing I do.
Speaker 1: Oh, I wonder why they're in such a rush, right,
Speaker 1: wonder if everything's over right with them?
Speaker 2: And I always feel noisy, and then I want to
Speaker 2: pull with them.
Speaker 1: I need a look. I need a good look. Okay,
Speaker 1: speaking of practices, I love your meditations and.
Speaker 2: The bad thank you. I wouldn't courage anyone to see
Speaker 2: if they could get that on audio. And are you
Speaker 2: going to be recording your book? I recorded it, okay,
Speaker 2: you did? Yeah, and I cried multiple times reading it.
Speaker 2: We had to stop a few times. But I think
Speaker 2: it might be helpful to listen to those meditations more
Speaker 2: so than reading them. Although they're perfectly fine to read.
Speaker 2: I just think listening to them, I was really careful
Speaker 2: to make sure that they were soothing and calm and
Speaker 2: would hopefully help somebody through it.
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, run out and get that audiobook.
Speaker 2: People.
Speaker 1: You wrote a beautiful poem thank you, which I'm going
Speaker 1: to just read a little bit of if you don't mind.
Speaker 1: But you guys are going to have to read the
Speaker 1: rest of the book yourself in a warm bath. I
Speaker 1: am with myself. I am present. I feel my body
Speaker 1: tense before it relaxes. My thoughts slow, the racing abates.
Speaker 1: I feel a different kind of weight on my chest comfort.
Speaker 1: I am snug. I am able to close my eyes
Speaker 1: and breathe. I am able to exhale. That's just some
Speaker 1: of it. Yeah, just saying it out loud, it.
Speaker 2: Just it calms me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, why do you practice meditation?
Speaker 2: It centers me. And let me be very clear. I
Speaker 2: don't do it every day. Okay, maybe I do it
Speaker 2: like I basically did it this morning without even realizing
Speaker 2: it by doing this, yeah, because I was anxious. So
Speaker 2: that is meditation. And I think we don't give ourselves
Speaker 2: enough credit for what meditation is. Right.
Speaker 1: We think we have to sit on a mat in
Speaker 1: an uncomfortable position now with incense earning.
Speaker 2: A candle burning or whatever. And you could do that
Speaker 2: because it feels really good to do that.
Speaker 1: You could go there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And you can meditate in a bath. That's how
Speaker 2: I wrote that. I was talking into my phone. And
Speaker 2: you can meditate just staring at the ocean. You can
Speaker 2: meditate just watching your cat clean itself. You can meditate
Speaker 2: where it lets your mind just be and just wander
Speaker 2: to a place of serenity. And I think when you
Speaker 2: watch things that you find beautiful, that will help you
Speaker 2: do it as well. So meditation can be anything where
Speaker 2: you calm yourself.
Speaker 1: I don't know if watching the cat clean itself is
Speaker 1: going to do that for me.
Speaker 2: Well, my cats, I just love when they just like
Speaker 2: do this, and when the cats do that, I'm like, like,
Speaker 2: I get the little heart eyes. I love watching my
Speaker 2: cats clean their faces. They're so precious.
Speaker 1: Oh and it's the beauty of just being in those
Speaker 1: little simple moments, yeah, and appreciating them. Yeah, that's what
Speaker 1: keeps you.
Speaker 2: Say, in your skin. Yeah, yeah, being present. It's bringing
Speaker 2: yourself back to your body, trying to ground yourself.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much. You are wonderful. I knew
Speaker 1: you would be. You've blown my expectations out of the water.
Speaker 2: Oh you're a sweetheart.
Speaker 1: I've always been a fan and I always will be
Speaker 1: getting naked. The quiet work of becoming perfectly imperfect is
Speaker 1: available wherever you find your books and Valerie's Place, her
Speaker 1: new virtual platform, is available on the App Store and
Speaker 1: Google Play Yes
Speaker 2: And you can go to the website Valarsplace dot com