Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. One thing that I have
Speaker 1: made abundantly clear is that I do not want children.
Speaker 1: I say it on stage, I say it in interviews.
Speaker 1: It's the first thing I say to myself in the
Speaker 1: mirror when I wake up each morning, right before I
Speaker 1: tell myself, God, you're a dynamic woman. Kids don't respect me,
Speaker 1: and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. And the fact
Speaker 1: is there are millions of women just like me, but
Speaker 1: for some reason, every single one of us, at some
Speaker 1: point in our lives is shamed by society for not
Speaker 1: wanting a baby. And that's what I want to talk about.
Speaker 1: It to night installment of Long Story Short. In America
Speaker 1: and honestly everywhere, motherhood is treated as a woman's essential
Speaker 1: purpose in life, as if our destiny is to let
Speaker 1: a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from
Speaker 1: the inside out, and then as soon as we turn eighteen,
Speaker 1: we're just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick
Speaker 1: Cannon to impregnate us. And look, I have infinite respect
Speaker 1: for moms, but motherhood is hard. It's so hard it
Speaker 1: even broke Marie Condo tightening upwards her life's work. Then
Speaker 1: she has kids and was like it. Living in squalor
Speaker 1: is fine, So it really shouldn't be surprising that some
Speaker 1: women aren't signing up. But many people aren't just surprised,
Speaker 1: they're horrified. Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even
Speaker 1: the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having children
Speaker 1: is selfish. First of all, I am not going to
Speaker 1: take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone, well,
Speaker 1: not that we know of, anyway. And what's crazy is that,
Speaker 1: for some reason, people feel entitled to tell you what
Speaker 1: a horrible person you are right to your face. When
Speaker 1: people ask me do you have children? And I say no,
Speaker 1: they always look at me then and say, oh, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: as if like there's something like physically wrong with me.
Speaker 1: And I've had people break down in tears to me
Speaker 1: about the fact that me not having children is robbing
Speaker 1: them of something. I've gotten everything from your selfish for
Speaker 1: not wanting children. Your childhood must have been terrible. If
Speaker 1: you don't want to have children, are you one of
Speaker 1: these career thirsty women that doesn't want children? And how
Speaker 1: could you deny your man the chance to have children?
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to be with you. Yes, because men
Speaker 1: are so upset every time they're denied a chance to
Speaker 1: have a child. Watch an episode of Maury Povich to
Speaker 1: see how excited men get to find out that they
Speaker 1: are the father. And it's bad enough when people judge
Speaker 1: your life choices. But apparently childless women aren't just harming themselves,
Speaker 1: we're actually destroying society. You look at Kamala Harris AOC.
Speaker 1: The entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people
Speaker 1: without children. And how does it make any sense that
Speaker 1: we've turned our country over to people who don't really
Speaker 1: have a direct stake at it. We're effectively run in
Speaker 1: this country via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs buy
Speaker 1: a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at
Speaker 1: their own lives and the choices that they've made, and
Speaker 1: so they want to make the rest of the country
Speaker 1: miserable too. It maybe if you two weren't such boner killers,
Speaker 1: women would want to have more children. I don't want
Speaker 1: to make the country miserable. I love this country. It's
Speaker 1: where all of my things are, and I've got news
Speaker 1: for everyone. Instead of shaming childless women for what we're
Speaker 1: doing to the country. You should be thanking us. We
Speaker 1: are saving society. We are more likely to give our
Speaker 1: money to charity. We have a lower carbon footprint, or
Speaker 1: the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes, in
Speaker 1: movie theaters and restros. And every baby we don't give
Speaker 1: birth to is one less baby that could grow up
Speaker 1: to be the next Elon Musk. And guess how many
Speaker 1: children he has? Nine? You better bring them all to
Speaker 1: Mars with you, buddy. Okay, And when are you going
Speaker 1: to Mars? Go already? But these Fox News trolls are
Speaker 1: right about one thing. I am miserable. In fact, I
Speaker 1: was just scrolling through my Instagram fee the other day
Speaker 1: realizing how miserable I am. I'm miserable on the beach,
Speaker 1: and then here I am miserable on the top of
Speaker 1: a mountain, and then here I am miserable scuba diving,
Speaker 1: and then I'm miserable again. Smoking a joint in a
Speaker 1: hot tub every day is truly a new circle of
Speaker 1: hell for me. The simple truth is that I'm not
Speaker 1: having a kid because I'm happier without them, and that's
Speaker 1: really not of anyone's concern but my own. And no
Speaker 1: I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. That's
Speaker 1: what's so great about nieces and nephews. I love being
Speaker 1: an aunt. I'm crushing that role. Guess who gave each
Speaker 1: one of them their first edible? This girl? Yeah, but hey,
Speaker 1: what do I know. I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable
Speaker 1: waste of two ovaries. So if you want to know
Speaker 1: the real issues with not having children, you need to
Speaker 1: talk to your obgyn. Like I did. Take a look. Oh,
Speaker 1: I bet you have been around the world a couple
Speaker 1: of times. You're like a pussy GoPro y. Right, great
Speaker 1: to meet you, you too, So I'm just going over
Speaker 1: your chart here says you don't plan on having any children.
Speaker 1: Now it actually says quote never ever, not even if
Speaker 1: me and Chris Hemsworth were the last two humans on earth.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I mean if he and I hooked up,
Speaker 1: it would probably just be a bunch of butt play. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: not having kids is a big decision, and you should
Speaker 1: know it's going to affect your body and your life
Speaker 1: in a major way. What kind of ways? Doctor, While
Speaker 1: for starters, your body will never go through the trauma
Speaker 1: of childbirth, you'll have what the medical community calls beautiful
Speaker 1: boisterous breasts and a very tight, tight, little little vagina.
Speaker 1: That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that
Speaker 1: from different people that I've been having casual sex with,
Speaker 1: giving me different kinds of compliments, and I thought it
Speaker 1: was just dirty talk. No, no, no, that's a medical term.
Speaker 1: How much sleep do you get? I mean it varies
Speaker 1: anywhere from eight to sixteen hours a night, you know,
Speaker 1: depending on what I get up to. If I go
Speaker 1: to one of Leo's sex parties, I'll be up really
Speaker 1: really late, and then I'll come home and I'll be starving,
Speaker 1: and then I'll have an entire pizza in my bed,
Speaker 1: and then I just finished myself off one more time
Speaker 1: and sleep like a baby. Is that normal, perfectly normal
Speaker 1: for someone with your condition. Great, it's probably you have
Speaker 1: a great muscle tone, thank you. It's probably because I
Speaker 1: have so much free time to work out after I'm sleeping.
Speaker 1: Amen to that system. Are we doing anything that is
Speaker 1: going to require me to be in a hospital gown today? No? Now,
Speaker 1: I know all this information can be really overwhelming, which
Speaker 1: is why I am going to prescribe some recreational drugs
Speaker 1: here's a sample for you to take home. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I love pills. Thank you. Oh oh, and there's one
Speaker 1: more thing we should talk about. Ultrasound. Oh I didn't
Speaker 1: think I was getting an ultrasound today. Ultrasound the music
Speaker 1: festival three days in the desert, Lizzo headlining, and I
Speaker 1: bet you can get there because why you don't have
Speaker 1: any kids at home to worry about. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: thank you. This is like the best doctor's equipment I've
Speaker 1: ever had. You are so welcome, and you know what,
Speaker 1: Literally nothing is going to go wrong for you. It
Speaker 1: was so nice to meet you. It was a pleasure
Speaker 1: to meet you too. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, by
Speaker 1: the way, you do have gonorrhea. Explore more shows from
Speaker 1: the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show
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Speaker 1: episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy
Speaker 1: Central podcast.