1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,520 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,280 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have 7 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're going to 8 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:43,199 Speaker 1: talk about the incredible power of self forgiveness and how 9 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 1: to embrace our past mistakes. I think we have a 10 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,839 Speaker 1: really difficult time accepting the fact that each of us 11 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 1: is innately flawed. We are in innately flawed species, and 12 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,920 Speaker 1: we often ruminate on all the things that we've gotten wrong, 13 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:03,120 Speaker 1: sometimes for months or even years after the fact. I 14 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,760 Speaker 1: am very much the same, but I've come to realize 15 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: recently that not accepting our failures, not accepting our mistakes, 16 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: kind of means not accepting the fact that we are 17 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:18,679 Speaker 1: human and putting our behavior on a pedestal that we 18 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: would never place someone else on. This is particularly relevant 19 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 1: for our twenties in our early years as adults, because 20 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,880 Speaker 1: it is a time of exploration, of learning and growth. 21 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:36,680 Speaker 1: But I think also this weird decade or limbo between 22 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:42,039 Speaker 1: childhood and adolescent feelings and that adulthood maturity where so 23 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,200 Speaker 1: many of the things we are experiencing we are experiencing 24 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 1: for the first time, and as frustrating as it is, 25 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 1: we don't really have a guidebook. A lot of it 26 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:55,280 Speaker 1: comes down to trial and error, from impulsive relationship choices 27 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: to career plans that don't really work out as expected, 28 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:04,600 Speaker 1: and unfortunately, sometimes mistakes that end up hurting other people 29 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:08,200 Speaker 1: even if we didn't mean to. So how can we 30 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:13,800 Speaker 1: embrace this unfortunate but kind of unavoidable side of ourselves. 31 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: I think that's a huge question, because living with regret 32 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 1: and guilt truly gets us nowhere. Unfortunately, I think you 33 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: cannot undo the past, but you also can't live with 34 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:30,799 Speaker 1: that remorse forever. The beauty of psychology lies in its 35 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:34,520 Speaker 1: ability to really shed light on our human experience, but 36 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: also our capacity to grow despite all the things that 37 00:02:38,919 --> 00:02:41,519 Speaker 1: we think have ruined our lives or we think make 38 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 1: us bad people. I promise that those mistakes do not 39 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 1: mean those things we're going to explore in today's episode, 40 00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 1: the very neurology and underpinning psychological theories that show why 41 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,679 Speaker 1: our twenties are important for making mistakes. Were also going 42 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:04,040 Speaker 1: to at the distinction between feeling regret and feeling guilty, 43 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,840 Speaker 1: especially when we do come to acknowledge that we've hurt others. 44 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,079 Speaker 1: There's a reason we hold on to those experiences, and 45 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 1: it has a lot to do with social harmony and 46 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: social contract theory, but also this conflict between our actual 47 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,399 Speaker 1: selves and our idea selves. Beyond that, we're also going 48 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:28,240 Speaker 1: to discuss why it is that some people experience regret 49 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: more profoundly than others, particularly due to factors like rumination, 50 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: but also on a controversial note, maybe the role of 51 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:43,839 Speaker 1: social media in weaponizing public shame. That is all very 52 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 1: valuable information to understand. But what we're really here for 53 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: is to get into a place where we can practice 54 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 1: self forgiveness and learn how to forgive yourself for the 55 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,360 Speaker 1: times that you didn't know any better than you do now. 56 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: It's part of our shared humanity to mess up, and 57 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 1: I do truly believe that we can learn just as much, 58 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,600 Speaker 1: if not more, from our mistakes as we can from 59 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 1: our successes. So I also want to dive into the 60 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: four hours of self forgiveness and how accountability. Although initially unpleasant, 61 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,040 Speaker 1: can really free you from a lot of lifelong guilt 62 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:27,800 Speaker 1: and negativity. It really comes down to self compassion, and 63 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:32,040 Speaker 1: by releasing ourselves from that kind of chains and those 64 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 1: chains of self blame through genuine, actual introspection and self awareness, 65 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: we really do unlock the potential to use the things 66 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 1: in our past for growth rather than letting us all 67 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: letting ourselves really be weighed down by that. So a 68 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 1: lot of the advice and the evidence we're going to 69 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,600 Speaker 1: explore is probably information that I needed to take on myself. 70 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,720 Speaker 1: If you're listening to this, I'm guessing you're most likely 71 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,720 Speaker 1: in your twenties and as well. So we are all 72 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 1: learning together and sometimes we're not going to be perfect, 73 00:05:05,279 --> 00:05:07,320 Speaker 1: but at least we can be in the same boat. 74 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,480 Speaker 1: So I'm excited to get into it. Without further ado, 75 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:15,919 Speaker 1: let's explore the psychology behind self forgiveness and moving on 76 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 1: from our past mistakes. Okay, it goes without saying that 77 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: you are going to make a lot of mistakes in 78 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:34,560 Speaker 1: your twenties and probably in every decade thereafter. Unfortunately for us, 79 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:39,520 Speaker 1: humans are highly fallible and flawed creatures. We cannot do 80 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,920 Speaker 1: everything perfectly, and that includes life. I think an important 81 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,520 Speaker 1: reminder is that none of us have done this before. 82 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,000 Speaker 1: This is your first time being alive, experiencing these events 83 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,760 Speaker 1: and complex emotions and just the ways of human error 84 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:59,640 Speaker 1: and misunderstanding and learning. And so despite our best intentions, 85 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,479 Speaker 1: we are going to mess up, and we might hurt 86 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:07,440 Speaker 1: other people and experience regret. I think despite the unavoidability 87 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,800 Speaker 1: of mistakes, we do have a choice to let this 88 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 1: a completely paralyze us and perpetually hate ourselves, or be 89 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:21,479 Speaker 1: embrace the opportunity this provides and embrace our mistakes for 90 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,040 Speaker 1: exactly what they are, which is a space for self 91 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:27,480 Speaker 1: awareness and for growth. I think it's important to remember, 92 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 1: as we're discussing forgiving ourselves for past mistakes, that you 93 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 1: were not the same person you were two years ago 94 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:39,479 Speaker 1: or even six months ago. People can grow and change 95 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 1: and realize the error of their ways. There is not 96 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:46,599 Speaker 1: a single person out there who hasn't done something they 97 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 1: wish they could take back. But it's about how you 98 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 1: move forward from that, whether you take on the responsibility 99 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: of what you've done of some of the errors of 100 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:02,119 Speaker 1: your ways. Additionally, when applying self compassion in these situations, 101 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,480 Speaker 1: I think it's important to recognize that our twenties in 102 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 1: particular are a time when we are going to mess up, 103 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,560 Speaker 1: probably more than any other decade for a number of reasons. 104 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:17,360 Speaker 1: This era of our lives involves a very unique blend 105 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,920 Speaker 1: of still feeling very much like a child but being 106 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,800 Speaker 1: expected to behave like an adult. It's like, as soon 107 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: as the clock kind of strikes twelve on your eighteenth birthday, 108 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 1: suddenly we're expected to mature into this whole new version 109 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,280 Speaker 1: of ourselves who can pay taxes and own a home, 110 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 1: and it's expected to understand exactly what they want and 111 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 1: how to treat others. But that's not really how maturity 112 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:48,680 Speaker 1: works from a psychological, emotional, social perspective, and so our 113 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 1: twenties are this unique in between time, I would say, 114 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: where we're grappling with two different sides of ourselves, the 115 00:07:55,920 --> 00:08:00,600 Speaker 1: immaturity but also the expectation of responsibility. We have no 116 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: idea what's going on. A lot of the time, we 117 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 1: do not have the hindsight to understand the future consequences 118 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:12,560 Speaker 1: of our current actions. Speaking from a very neurological perspective 119 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:17,480 Speaker 1: as well, our brains also don't completely finish developing and 120 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:22,320 Speaker 1: maturing until like the late to mid twenties, and the 121 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 1: last part of our brain to mature is called the 122 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:29,720 Speaker 1: prefrontal cortex. We speak about this a lot because it 123 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 1: is so such a crucial part of everything that makes 124 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,480 Speaker 1: us very human, our personality, our identity. But it's also 125 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:42,679 Speaker 1: the area responsible for things like decision making and impulse control. 126 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,560 Speaker 1: It's why when we look back at things that we 127 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:49,559 Speaker 1: did at seventeen, when our prefrontal cortex was not developed, 128 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 1: we kind of internally cringe. I was talking to someone 129 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:56,560 Speaker 1: about this the other day who I think like knew 130 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,319 Speaker 1: me or met me when I was maybe nineteen or twenty, 131 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,480 Speaker 1: and she was telling me about her first impression of 132 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 1: me and how she thought I was super loud and 133 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: didn't really think before I spoke, and I was like, yeah, 134 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 1: that's probably right. I made a lot of mistakes back 135 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,480 Speaker 1: then and did things I really regret that I look 136 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: back at now with that prefrontal maturity and just cannot fathom. 137 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: There's so much in there and so much in our 138 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,200 Speaker 1: history that I think we realize we would have done differently. 139 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:31,320 Speaker 1: We're also trying out different versions of ourselves, some of 140 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,600 Speaker 1: which may not fit or versions that don't actually reflect 141 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 1: our values. This is also in part because we're trying 142 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: to separate from the identity we have cultivated under the 143 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 1: guidance of our family, particularly our parents, and we're trying 144 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,559 Speaker 1: to branch out to be our own independent people. Suddenly 145 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,840 Speaker 1: the protective kind of shield of parental supervision is taken down, 146 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,800 Speaker 1: and you've got to learn all the things they learned 147 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,000 Speaker 1: in their twenties, and that is a lot of trial 148 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 1: and error and ultimately a few regrets. Also, when we 149 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 1: combine that with things like the drinking age, you know 150 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,080 Speaker 1: that a lot of us start consuming alcohol during this period. 151 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:19,160 Speaker 1: We know that leads to poorer decisions. We also have 152 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 1: a bit more financial freedom, and also the complexity that 153 00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:26,960 Speaker 1: develops in our relationships. It's kind of no wonder that 154 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,520 Speaker 1: we're going to misstep at times. We are going to 155 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: do dumb things. We pass up amazing opportunities, we fail 156 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 1: at things we wish we'd succeeded, We spend too much money, 157 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:43,600 Speaker 1: We embarrass ourselves. However, amongst all of these mistakes, I 158 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 1: think the biggest ones I see people ruminating on have 159 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 1: to do with how they acted in their personal relationships, 160 00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 1: how they treated their friends or a former partner, maybe 161 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,960 Speaker 1: even their parents. I think without a doubt these other 162 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,400 Speaker 1: regrets that sting the most, that leave kind of the 163 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:10,080 Speaker 1: greatest emotional scars. There's a reason why interpersonal regret sticks 164 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 1: with us, perhaps more so than the decisions that could 165 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:17,800 Speaker 1: only hurt us individually. We have evolved as creatures, as 166 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:22,280 Speaker 1: a species who seek the need and the approval of 167 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: the group for survival, and part of that is the 168 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:29,080 Speaker 1: need to create social harmony and behave according to the 169 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 1: social agreement that really implicitly dictates how we treat others. 170 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:37,680 Speaker 1: In psychology and also in philosophy, there's this idea known 171 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:42,240 Speaker 1: as social contract theory, and what it says is that 172 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:47,320 Speaker 1: we have been conditioned to live together in society in 173 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 1: accordance with an inherent moral agreement to not hurt others 174 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,280 Speaker 1: or to not do unto others as we would want 175 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 1: done onto ourselves. So causing someone else's pain, either due 176 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:03,079 Speaker 1: to things like oversight or selfishness, or even outright cruelty, 177 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 1: it goes against that contract. Those feelings of regret, of 178 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:12,679 Speaker 1: guilt or shame. They are an internal psychological signal that 179 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: we have gone against this deeper moral code and that 180 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 1: we need to rectify our behavior to restore a general 181 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 1: sense of cohesion. In that way, things like guilt, as 182 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,559 Speaker 1: they relate to past mistakes, are somewhat of a pro 183 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,680 Speaker 1: social emotion. It's trying to make us a good person 184 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,840 Speaker 1: to be around. It's trying to show us how we 185 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:38,520 Speaker 1: can be agreeable and stick within that social contract. There's 186 00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:43,679 Speaker 1: an important distinction here between guilt and regret, because I 187 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:47,200 Speaker 1: think although sometimes we use them interchangeably, as I literally 188 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 1: just did, there is a bit of a difference. In 189 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,960 Speaker 1: a study they conducted back in twenty and twelve maybe 190 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:59,319 Speaker 1: twenty eleven, they got people to describe typical situations in 191 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:03,319 Speaker 1: which they felt guilt and situations where they felt regret. 192 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: What they found is that guilt specifically occurs for choices 193 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,280 Speaker 1: in a social context where we have believed that we 194 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: have caused harm, whereas regret is strongly associated with personal mistakes, 195 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 1: with missed opportunities, self sabotage, that kind of broader category 196 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,960 Speaker 1: of behaviors, or when we wrong someone else. This is 197 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,600 Speaker 1: where we typically experience guilt and we regret the actions 198 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:34,200 Speaker 1: that cause this pain, the actions that we were responsible for. 199 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:38,520 Speaker 1: Regret self pity, that is, for the self, whereas guilt 200 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 1: and remorse is for others. I want to pause and 201 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:46,240 Speaker 1: actually break down the psychology behind regret for a second here, 202 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,400 Speaker 1: because I think that is the primary emotion we're discussing 203 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,840 Speaker 1: when we examine the long term impact of past mistakes. Regret, 204 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,000 Speaker 1: at its core, is a complex emotion that arises when 205 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:04,280 Speaker 1: we feel dissatisfied or disappointed with past choices, and it 206 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,640 Speaker 1: often stems from a desire to have done things differently 207 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: based on our current perspective. And this kind of occurs 208 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 1: in two directions. So we can regret the things that 209 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,319 Speaker 1: we didn't do, which is what we would call in action, 210 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: all the things that we did do, which is called 211 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 1: actionable or action regret. And importantly, you're more likely to 212 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:31,480 Speaker 1: experience long term regret for the times when you didn't 213 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: act compared to the decisions that you did make. Research 214 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:41,360 Speaker 1: suggests that this action related regrets, although they're painful, they 215 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: actually spur people to learn more from their mistakes and 216 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: move on because they've given us an experience that we 217 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,280 Speaker 1: otherwise wouldn't have had, and we wouldn't have had that 218 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 1: teachable moment. But regret related to an action the things 219 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,160 Speaker 1: that we cannot do with the opportunities that we did lose. 220 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: It's much harder to fix, and this kind of regret 221 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:08,239 Speaker 1: is more associated with things like long term anxiety, depression, 222 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,920 Speaker 1: a feeling of stuckness. So if you want to avoid 223 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 1: future regret, I think it kind of goes without saying 224 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 1: that it's more about making a decision than making the 225 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: wrong decision, because even if it's the wrong decision, then 226 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,560 Speaker 1: it's better than doing nothing at all, because it will 227 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 1: at least give you a teachable moment compared to just 228 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,840 Speaker 1: the regret surrounding the what if, the expectant thinking, the 229 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: kind of hypothetical future telling, and what if it had 230 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,920 Speaker 1: turned out differently? What if I had actually done this? 231 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,720 Speaker 1: You can't really take that back. However, further to this 232 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,200 Speaker 1: idea of the mistakes that we make that hurt others, 233 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 1: there's this idea known as discrepancy theory that explains why 234 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:56,600 Speaker 1: these mistakes linger the most. Each of us has an 235 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,800 Speaker 1: actual self, which is who we actually are, and then 236 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,440 Speaker 1: I deal self the person we would like to be, 237 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 1: and when the actions conducted by our actual self don't 238 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,280 Speaker 1: align with our ideal self, that is when we experience 239 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,120 Speaker 1: things like regret or negative emotions. Because we are not 240 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 1: acting in accordance with who we feel we ought to be. 241 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,080 Speaker 1: When we don't act, we regret our wasted potential. When 242 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: we do, we regret the outcome of those actions, and 243 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: we experience regret for a few other reasons we already 244 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,720 Speaker 1: spoke of the kind of evolutionary explanation, especially from a 245 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 1: social perspective where we don't want to disrupt social harmony, 246 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,480 Speaker 1: but regret also serves to prevent us making the same 247 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:46,480 Speaker 1: mistake twice. Past experiences in that way, they kind of 248 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 1: linger in our brains as a cautionary tale. They want 249 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,800 Speaker 1: us to make better choices, better decisions, by using the 250 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 1: emotional salience of that memory and the pain of that 251 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:04,439 Speaker 1: memory to dissuade us. Interestingly, psychological research indicates that while 252 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:09,560 Speaker 1: people often you regret to be distressing, it nevertheless is 253 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,199 Speaker 1: rated as a positive experience because when we listen to 254 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:17,399 Speaker 1: that remorse or that unpleasant sensation, we only need to 255 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,280 Speaker 1: experience the negative outcome once. When we don't listen, we 256 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,919 Speaker 1: keep making the same mistake over and over again until 257 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 1: that feeling finally sets in, and by then there is 258 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 1: a lot more to process and a lot more to 259 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 1: reflect on. So we're going to talk about that a 260 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,199 Speaker 1: little bit later. How kind of going further into the 261 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:39,560 Speaker 1: belly of regret and acknowledging when you've made a mistake 262 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,639 Speaker 1: might actually help you not make future mistakes. But I 263 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,439 Speaker 1: also want to speak about why there are some people 264 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,920 Speaker 1: in our lives, maybe you are one of them, who 265 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,480 Speaker 1: really finds it additionally and extra difficult to move on, 266 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: to let these things go. Some people are more prone 267 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,560 Speaker 1: to lingering on things of the past. This is a 268 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:07,359 Speaker 1: tendency that we call rumination. So rumination is a thought 269 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: processing disorder where we obsess over negative feelings and our distress, 270 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,359 Speaker 1: and we repetitively think about all of the consequences, how 271 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,880 Speaker 1: awful we are, all the things we could have avoided, 272 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: what we've missed out on. Our tendency to ruminate often 273 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:30,280 Speaker 1: comes from our coping style, particularly an individual tendency to overthink, 274 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:35,280 Speaker 1: but also things like emotional intelligence. So emotional intelligence really 275 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,840 Speaker 1: exacerbates our mental distress sometimes because we are unable to 276 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 1: shut our brain off. Our brain, especially the brain of 277 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: someone with high EQ, is constantly mulling over all of 278 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 1: the emotional impacts and kind of roots and paths and 279 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:56,159 Speaker 1: branches of their actions. People who also constantly ruminate, they 280 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,480 Speaker 1: may do so because they're unhappy with the lack of 281 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:04,000 Speaker 1: closure from an experience, and they use overthinking to kind 282 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,680 Speaker 1: of soothe that distress. But it actually does the opposite. 283 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: It gets us stuck in the negative cycle and unable 284 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 1: to move past our past actions, dwelling upon mistakes. It 285 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,040 Speaker 1: has been shown time and time again that although it 286 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,879 Speaker 1: might feel like you're doing something about it, what is 287 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,200 Speaker 1: actually happening is that you're going to diminish your self confidence. 288 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,000 Speaker 1: You're going to diminish your creativity, you're going to diminish 289 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,800 Speaker 1: your performance and your productivity, and it's just going to 290 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: make you feel absolutely miserable. And they did a series 291 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,119 Speaker 1: of studies in the early two thousands, and what they 292 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:45,000 Speaker 1: found was that when you dwell on past behavior, this 293 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 1: can really trigger things like procrastination and perfectionism because you're 294 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,520 Speaker 1: so concerned that you might do it again. This is 295 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:57,520 Speaker 1: what makes regret so all consuming. We cannot under the past, 296 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:01,360 Speaker 1: no matter how hard we try. We are thinking as 297 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,560 Speaker 1: if we can, that all of that mental energy is 298 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: going to change the outcome. I think that sometimes this 299 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:13,560 Speaker 1: stems from our need for self punishment. If we can't 300 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 1: undo our mistakes, then we better make sure we repent 301 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,639 Speaker 1: for them or feel the full force of our guilt 302 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,439 Speaker 1: once again. Some of that is evolutionary, and most of 303 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,720 Speaker 1: it is highly unproductive, and it stems from our deep 304 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:32,920 Speaker 1: sense of shame. So self punishment involves things like forcing 305 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:37,399 Speaker 1: yourself to continually think about your mistakes, avoiding things that 306 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,800 Speaker 1: make you happy because you feel like you no longer 307 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:45,440 Speaker 1: deserve them, negative self talk, excessive exercise, or even abusing 308 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:49,560 Speaker 1: things like alcohol. The use of self punishment acts to 309 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:54,119 Speaker 1: relieve our guilt, but also in some ways makes us 310 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 1: feel like we're redeeming ourselves. And when we face regret, 311 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,400 Speaker 1: perhaps due to action, we often feel like we lack 312 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,680 Speaker 1: a certain agency over our lives, particularly if we've acted 313 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 1: out of character, and so self punishment acts as an outlet, 314 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,960 Speaker 1: almost like a productive way to pay for our mistakes. 315 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:19,120 Speaker 1: We feel like it's doing something to counterbalance the negative 316 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: experience of regret. Some of that is also imposed on 317 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:27,400 Speaker 1: us by society. For sure. There's a reason why we 318 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 1: may feel the pain of past mistakes more harshly nowadays, 319 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: especially if they were things that were perhaps offensive or 320 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:39,800 Speaker 1: really hurt someone. Our society is really good at weaponizing 321 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:43,840 Speaker 1: shame for good and for bad, especially things like online 322 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,439 Speaker 1: shaming and even cancel culture. I have a lot of 323 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,960 Speaker 1: opinions on this a lot. You know, we see celebrities 324 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:54,720 Speaker 1: being canceled all the time, sometimes for very very valid reasons. 325 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,920 Speaker 1: But when we see this play out so frequently, sometimes 326 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 1: we feel that point that media outrage or even that 327 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,000 Speaker 1: personal outrage could be turned at us for minor things. 328 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:10,240 Speaker 1: We spend so much about lives online and so what 329 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:14,080 Speaker 1: people think of us in that context is important, and 330 00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:17,320 Speaker 1: we've become a lot more aware of how past actions, 331 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,359 Speaker 1: which maybe at the time didn't seem so bad, could 332 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,639 Speaker 1: now be deemed as really offensive or really hurtful. I 333 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 1: think that role of public humiliation, especially in the modern day, 334 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,399 Speaker 1: has a lot of complicated psychological and social origins that 335 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:37,119 Speaker 1: we don't really have time to get into. But what 336 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: is definitely being seen, I think, is that it's really 337 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,600 Speaker 1: forcing us to reflect more on our actions and make 338 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:49,280 Speaker 1: us ask questions and question the distinction between maybe I've 339 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,720 Speaker 1: done a bad thing and I regret it, and I'm 340 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,960 Speaker 1: a bad person. I can never be forgiven. Previously, our 341 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 1: mistakes were not up for discussion by you know literally 342 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:03,320 Speaker 1: everyone on the internet in the world now, like you 343 00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 1: could do something stupid and it's everywhere someone could film you, 344 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,280 Speaker 1: And so we're much better at self policing our behavior 345 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,879 Speaker 1: on a micro kind of personal scale away from social 346 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,080 Speaker 1: media and the Internet. I find our tendency to not 347 00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:21,280 Speaker 1: forgive ourselves for past mistakes really fascinating and also at 348 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:25,320 Speaker 1: times quite ironic, because we are so so willing to 349 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,120 Speaker 1: forgive other people when they do us harm. We are 350 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: so willing to overlook hurtful behaviors to realize that people 351 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:36,119 Speaker 1: make mistakes and maybe they've changed, maybe they've grown, But 352 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:40,040 Speaker 1: we hold ourselves to such a high standard we don't 353 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 1: give ourselves the same grace that we give others. I'm 354 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:46,679 Speaker 1: definitely someone who is highly forgiving, perhaps as some of 355 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,679 Speaker 1: my friends would say, to a fault sometimes, And I 356 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: think that's because I would want to have the same 357 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:57,359 Speaker 1: forgiveness that I'm giving to others, because of that sense 358 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: that we are a bad person and we're going to 359 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 1: need others to forgive us, so we'd better be very, 360 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,200 Speaker 1: very forgiving of them without thinking of how we can 361 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,520 Speaker 1: forgive ourselves. But it's a lot deeper than that. We 362 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:13,080 Speaker 1: see others as very complex beings. We are very aware 363 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,600 Speaker 1: that they are flawed and they are nuanced, But we 364 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,439 Speaker 1: see ourselves as needing to be perfect and needing to 365 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:21,040 Speaker 1: have all the answers, And that's what makes it so 366 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: hard to move forward, especially since we're kind of the 367 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,240 Speaker 1: only ones who can personally and deeply feel all of 368 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,959 Speaker 1: the negative outcomes of our past, you know, especially that guilt, 369 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 1: and we don't really see the private lives of others 370 00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:39,520 Speaker 1: and how much they may themselves be self punishing self 371 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:44,879 Speaker 1: forgiveness is really tricky, but it's also truly the only 372 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 1: way to move forward in such a positive character attribute. 373 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,280 Speaker 1: You've got to remind yourself that you truly did the 374 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:54,400 Speaker 1: best you could with the information you had. No one 375 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,200 Speaker 1: wants to make their lives worse. Most people don't want 376 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:02,040 Speaker 1: to hurt others or do we experience regret. We don't 377 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,359 Speaker 1: want to be in this position. So if we knew 378 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,639 Speaker 1: the outcome of our decisions, we probably wouldn't have done it. 379 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:12,280 Speaker 1: We would have chosen differently, But we didn't. We didn't 380 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,440 Speaker 1: know what the consequences were going to be. We had 381 00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,000 Speaker 1: to do what we thought was best or at the 382 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: very least, or very worst, what was convenient, and now 383 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,920 Speaker 1: you know, as the saying goes, the bet has been made. 384 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:29,520 Speaker 1: You can't change it, but you can replace that bitterness 385 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 1: and regret with compassion and with love for yourself. So 386 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,919 Speaker 1: I want to explain how how can we move on 387 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:41,440 Speaker 1: from past mistakes, but also how can we actually learn 388 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 1: from them rather than just sweeping it under the rug. 389 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:53,800 Speaker 1: All of that and more after this short break, I 390 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:58,760 Speaker 1: think the first step towards self forgiveness is realizing, like 391 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,400 Speaker 1: we said before, that you are not the same person 392 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,840 Speaker 1: you were a few years ago. You are not perpetually 393 00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:09,320 Speaker 1: stuck at the age and the time you were when 394 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,960 Speaker 1: you made that mistake, especially if you're under the age 395 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:16,000 Speaker 1: of thirty, like I'm sure many of you are. Your brain, 396 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,560 Speaker 1: like we said, wasn't even fully developed yet you were 397 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: in some ways still a child in an adult's body. 398 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,679 Speaker 1: Not only are you allowed to grow from that version 399 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,040 Speaker 1: of you and the version of you that may have 400 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:33,320 Speaker 1: been misguided, but psychology basically demands that you do. One 401 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:38,560 Speaker 1: way to show this is by examining personality. Our personalities 402 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:42,439 Speaker 1: were often thought to be quite fixed and quite stagnant. 403 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,679 Speaker 1: Who you were at eighteen is who you would be 404 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,360 Speaker 1: when you were eighty, but we've now seen that that's 405 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:52,960 Speaker 1: totally false. Researchers have continuously proven over the last few 406 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,439 Speaker 1: decades that we are not the same person our whole life. 407 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:01,080 Speaker 1: In particular, we become as we get older alone more conscientious, 408 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:07,120 Speaker 1: a lot, more altruistic and agreeable, even more empathetic. Part 409 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:10,800 Speaker 1: of that change is also brought on by our past mistakes, 410 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:14,439 Speaker 1: whatever the nature of those may be. One of the 411 00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:19,040 Speaker 1: biggest parts of forgiving yourself is choosing to accept the 412 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:24,120 Speaker 1: lesson from your decisions, rather than only accepting the guilt. 413 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,520 Speaker 1: You can learn equally as much from the things you 414 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,280 Speaker 1: did wrong as you can from the things that you 415 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,639 Speaker 1: did right, and what that involves is an acknowledgment of 416 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,200 Speaker 1: what went wrong and the ways you may have acted 417 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:40,159 Speaker 1: in a manner that was not aligned to that ideal self. 418 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,720 Speaker 1: So think about it in terms of making a mistake 419 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,159 Speaker 1: at a new job. You send that email to the 420 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: wrong person, Well, you know from now on you're going 421 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:52,960 Speaker 1: to triple check those email addresses. You said something really 422 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:56,400 Speaker 1: hurtful to a friend, Well you're now going to check 423 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:59,840 Speaker 1: yourself every time you're in a heated discussion because that 424 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:05,359 Speaker 1: regret is a very salient emotional reminder of what you 425 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,520 Speaker 1: don't want to feel, which is that terrible, dull ache 426 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 1: of remorse. That's why we say regret is an important 427 00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:16,480 Speaker 1: signal because it shows us when we've stepped out of 428 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,359 Speaker 1: line or acted in a way that we don't really 429 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,040 Speaker 1: agree with. So you need to listen to that feeling 430 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:27,239 Speaker 1: because it's telling you something important. And further to that, 431 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:31,399 Speaker 1: examine where the root of your behavior or that tendency 432 00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:35,720 Speaker 1: has come from. Maybe it's emerged from how you were raised, 433 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:40,719 Speaker 1: how you were taught to treat others past trauma, especially 434 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:44,840 Speaker 1: in romantic relationships. I hear about this all the time, 435 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:48,280 Speaker 1: people who lash out and push others away because of 436 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:51,640 Speaker 1: that fear of being hurt, only to realize that that 437 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:55,520 Speaker 1: person may have been really special. Maybe it's more pathological, 438 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:59,800 Speaker 1: like a compulsive tendency to lie or to oversell your 439 00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:05,120 Speaker 1: case abilities. There are so many possibilities, but really examining 440 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:08,960 Speaker 1: the origins of your mistake before you commit to fixing 441 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:12,360 Speaker 1: it is important because otherwise, how can you kind of 442 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,680 Speaker 1: identify a repeat pattern? How can you learn from that? 443 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:21,560 Speaker 1: Part of that involves taking accountability and responsibility for your actions. 444 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,800 Speaker 1: That's really hard because the first step is to admit 445 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 1: your mistake, and that is difficult because we are very 446 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:33,520 Speaker 1: good at finding ways to protect our ego and maintain 447 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 1: a positive self image. So we unconsciously search for excuses 448 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,960 Speaker 1: as to why we've acted in a certain way, both 449 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:45,720 Speaker 1: exogenous and endogenous, or you know, we say things like 450 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 1: they started it, I just lost my call, I didn't 451 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 1: think things through, I was drunk. Yes, those are all 452 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:56,840 Speaker 1: valuable explanations, but at the end of the day, you 453 00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: still made a choice, and that's okay. You just have 454 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:03,160 Speaker 1: to own up to it. Everyone struggles with admitting that 455 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:07,160 Speaker 1: they've done something perhaps bad. It's only natural because if 456 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 1: we truly thought that we were a terrible person or 457 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,800 Speaker 1: a failure, it would be very difficult to move on 458 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,080 Speaker 1: because of that all or nothing thinking. And that's where 459 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 1: we get into trouble because you can mess up and 460 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,680 Speaker 1: still have a lot of redeeming qualities, but one of 461 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:27,760 Speaker 1: those qualities cannot be ignorance, because denial is kind of 462 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,960 Speaker 1: how you get yourself into deeper trouble. I think a 463 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 1: big part of maturing is realizing that you can embrace 464 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:38,760 Speaker 1: accountability rather than being scared of it, and it will 465 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 1: probably leave you better off. I was having this discussion 466 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,400 Speaker 1: with a friend the other day who was telling me 467 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,960 Speaker 1: how she made a mistake at work and her boss 468 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,720 Speaker 1: kind of called her out for it, and her first 469 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:52,760 Speaker 1: reaction was to be like, oh my god, he's such 470 00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:56,240 Speaker 1: an asshole. He's so cranky, so uptight. But we had 471 00:30:56,240 --> 00:31:00,440 Speaker 1: this discussion of being like deciding that here's the problem. 472 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:03,960 Speaker 1: Isn't going to make your life easier. It's not going 473 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:07,680 Speaker 1: to change the outcome. You kind of have to take 474 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: it on the nose, absorb the feedback, and choose to 475 00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 1: be better. The saying goes for more serious things like cheating. 476 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:19,320 Speaker 1: As an example, if you cheat on someone and obviously 477 00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:22,680 Speaker 1: not speaking from personal experience, but if you do, you 478 00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,520 Speaker 1: can either choose to put that guilt and that shame 479 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,000 Speaker 1: back onto your partner, or you can choose to be better. 480 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,840 Speaker 1: You can say to yourself, Okay, I messed up here, 481 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,760 Speaker 1: I feel guilty. What is that telling me about my 482 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:39,000 Speaker 1: actions and make the conscious choice to not be that person, 483 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:43,120 Speaker 1: to not be that version of yourself in the future, 484 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,000 Speaker 1: Or you know, you can avoid the regret, you can 485 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,120 Speaker 1: move on to the next person, do it again, break 486 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 1: someone else's heart be the villain. It doesn't eradicate the 487 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:55,200 Speaker 1: original mistake. And the thing is nothing will. The only 488 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,640 Speaker 1: thing that matters at that point is the future. So 489 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:02,240 Speaker 1: you want to make sure the future version of yourself 490 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:07,040 Speaker 1: is one that takes accountability and does better. And part 491 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,400 Speaker 1: of that is this really simple equation for self forgiveness 492 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:13,480 Speaker 1: that I think we should all be following because it 493 00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:17,320 Speaker 1: really allows us to humanize our mistakes and show self 494 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:21,680 Speaker 1: compassion and move forward. It's called the four hours of 495 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:29,400 Speaker 1: self forgiveness. So they are responsibility, remorse, restoration, and renewal. 496 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:33,680 Speaker 1: We've already spoken about responsibility, which I think is very 497 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:38,240 Speaker 1: much synonymous with accountability, but basically, you have to be 498 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 1: honest with yourself or with others that you made a 499 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,760 Speaker 1: mistake and you are responsible for your own actions. Secondly, 500 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:50,719 Speaker 1: there's remorse. This is particularly important if the decisions that 501 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:56,000 Speaker 1: you made have impacted someone else. Express what you're feeling, 502 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:59,080 Speaker 1: say that you feel bad that you know you made 503 00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:02,959 Speaker 1: the wrong choice, that you don't like how the outcome 504 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,520 Speaker 1: has turned out, but you take responsibility that you are 505 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,200 Speaker 1: the one who's caused it. Or if it's a mistake 506 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:11,680 Speaker 1: that's impacting you and you alone, that you know you 507 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,280 Speaker 1: made a mistake and you feel sorry. Allow yourself to 508 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:19,720 Speaker 1: feel those negative feelings associated with responsibility, whether it's kind 509 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:24,240 Speaker 1: of letting go of guilt or shame. Both of those 510 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 1: things need to be channeled into remorse. You cannot forgive 511 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:32,600 Speaker 1: yourself or move on if you suppress those negative feelings 512 00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:37,240 Speaker 1: because you haven't fully accepted what's happened and your role 513 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,520 Speaker 1: in the outcome. This is when we get to restoration, 514 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,480 Speaker 1: which is kind of like the beginning of the healing phase. 515 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,960 Speaker 1: An important part of forgiving yourself is making amends for 516 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:52,760 Speaker 1: your mistakes if it's needed, make a genuine apology to 517 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:56,400 Speaker 1: those people or that person that you've heard. This takes 518 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,240 Speaker 1: away the feeling of wishing that you could have done 519 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:02,720 Speaker 1: more in the field future. The worst feeling is knowing 520 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:06,200 Speaker 1: that you've messed up and burying your head in the sand, 521 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:08,480 Speaker 1: being like, I don't want to feel like a bad person, 522 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,560 Speaker 1: so I'm going to forget this ever happened. And then 523 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:14,839 Speaker 1: six months a year goes by, that feeling still there. 524 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:19,840 Speaker 1: You haven't actually taken accountability. And I think it also 525 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:23,000 Speaker 1: is really important because at this stage, like we said, 526 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 1: you can't change the outcome, but you can change how 527 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:29,040 Speaker 1: you conclude the story, how you make someone else feel, 528 00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:33,520 Speaker 1: and leaving things better than before also allows you to 529 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,839 Speaker 1: close that chapter knowing that you've done the right thing 530 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: and that you do deserve to move on from it. 531 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:41,840 Speaker 1: Or if it's a mistake that's impacting you, you can 532 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:46,440 Speaker 1: apologize to yourself, acknowledge the context in which the decision 533 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: was made, and that you did what felt right and 534 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 1: now you know better it's time to move forward. So 535 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:56,920 Speaker 1: finally we have renewal. What are you going to change 536 00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:01,080 Speaker 1: about yourself, your motivations, and your actions to do better 537 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,440 Speaker 1: next time. An important part of that, I've found is 538 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:09,000 Speaker 1: to really articulate what you want your ideal self to be. 539 00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:13,439 Speaker 1: Who does this person look like? Knowing what you know now, 540 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,120 Speaker 1: write down how they act, how they make others feel, 541 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:20,080 Speaker 1: how people respond to them. Are they honest? Are they 542 00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:23,640 Speaker 1: more empathetic? Are they more cautious? Do they ask for 543 00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,759 Speaker 1: help when they need it? I really want you to 544 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:31,719 Speaker 1: visualize this person and question how you can align your 545 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:35,920 Speaker 1: current behavior with what your best self, your ideal self, 546 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,239 Speaker 1: would be doing. It's even better if you can make 547 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,720 Speaker 1: those thoughts tangible by writing them down or even typing 548 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:45,800 Speaker 1: them into your notes app someplace that you can revisit 549 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,600 Speaker 1: and return to, kind of when you want to receive 550 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:52,400 Speaker 1: your own wisdom or guidance, because typically we trust our 551 00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:56,120 Speaker 1: opinion the most. There's no point punishing yourself forever at 552 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,680 Speaker 1: this stage. It's not going to fix the situation. In fact, 553 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:01,760 Speaker 1: it's just going to keep you stuck in those memories 554 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:05,160 Speaker 1: in that moment. It goes without saying that it's not 555 00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:08,200 Speaker 1: up to you to decide whether someone else forgives you 556 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 1: as well. Your emotional reaction and theirs do not have 557 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:15,920 Speaker 1: to be aligned for you to acknowledge that pain and 558 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:19,200 Speaker 1: move forward. Let them say their peace, let them have 559 00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:23,680 Speaker 1: their response, and actually listen. It's uncomfortable, I know, but 560 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:26,279 Speaker 1: you owe it to them, and also you owe it 561 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:30,759 Speaker 1: to yourself. No feeling can be passed, No feeling can 562 00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:35,759 Speaker 1: be processed without being felt. Finally, it's valuable to think 563 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:40,520 Speaker 1: about how you treat others when they make mistakes, and well, 564 00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:42,319 Speaker 1: treat them how you would want to be treated, and 565 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:47,320 Speaker 1: then treat yourself accordingly. It's this idea known as shared humanity, 566 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:51,439 Speaker 1: acknowledging that some parts of the human experience are very 567 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:58,879 Speaker 1: much universal. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone experiences setbacks. You are 568 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:02,360 Speaker 1: not the only one going through this, probably at this 569 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:06,080 Speaker 1: very moment, and imagining how you would treat a good 570 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:09,560 Speaker 1: friend in this situation or a younger sibling, you would 571 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,960 Speaker 1: probably do so with a lot of compassion. So it 572 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,800 Speaker 1: kind of goes without saying, why don't you deserve the same? 573 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,040 Speaker 1: I think that's a beautiful reminder to end on. As 574 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:23,640 Speaker 1: someone who also struggles with feeling a lot of guilt 575 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,600 Speaker 1: and regret over the past, I really do understand how 576 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:30,640 Speaker 1: mentally exhausting it is to feel like your identity is 577 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:33,320 Speaker 1: no more than your past mistakes. But it is more. 578 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:37,560 Speaker 1: It is so much more, especially when we choose to 579 00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:42,240 Speaker 1: learn and grow and be better rather than overwhelm ourselves 580 00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:45,319 Speaker 1: with self pity and the what ifs. No one has 581 00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,200 Speaker 1: had a go at being human before. There is no 582 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:51,760 Speaker 1: guidebook and human emotion. A lot of things in life 583 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:54,759 Speaker 1: are tricky, So just do the best you can with 584 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:58,360 Speaker 1: what you have, have an open mind about accepting failure 585 00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:02,560 Speaker 1: and accountability, Recognize that you will grow. You are a 586 00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:06,160 Speaker 1: different person now. I just really think you can't do 587 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:08,560 Speaker 1: more than that. You really can't. You just kind of 588 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:10,959 Speaker 1: have to live with it and know that in time 589 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,840 Speaker 1: it will pass, you will have a greater perspective on 590 00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:17,440 Speaker 1: why maybe this mistake needed to happen, why you needed 591 00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:19,560 Speaker 1: to mess up, the lesson that you needed to learn. 592 00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:22,400 Speaker 1: It all comes together in the future. So thank you 593 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,600 Speaker 1: so much for listening to today's episode. I really hope 594 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:29,319 Speaker 1: you took something valuable from this, and if there is 595 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:31,680 Speaker 1: someone else who you think would take something from this, 596 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,480 Speaker 1: please feel free to share it with them. I think 597 00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:39,400 Speaker 1: radical self compassion, self forgiveness are really important. We cannot 598 00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:42,200 Speaker 1: punish ourselves forever. Like I keep saying, I think that 599 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:45,960 Speaker 1: is a huge part of my daily philosophy these days. 600 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:50,040 Speaker 1: So hopefully that resonated with you as well as always. 601 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:53,000 Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave 602 00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:57,080 Speaker 1: a five star review on Apple Podcasts, on Spotify, wherever 603 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:00,840 Speaker 1: this episode is coming to you from. It really helps 604 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:03,520 Speaker 1: the show to grow and reach a new audience. I've 605 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:08,120 Speaker 1: spoken about my Patreon before as well, but like I say, 606 00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:10,800 Speaker 1: it does take a lot of work to make this show. 607 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:15,160 Speaker 1: It is just me writing these episodes, researching them, recording them, 608 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:17,919 Speaker 1: editing them. It's a lot of work and I really 609 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,920 Speaker 1: do appreciate the additional support and you also get bonus 610 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:24,359 Speaker 1: content from me all the time. I do sometimes span 611 00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:28,879 Speaker 1: people there with bonus episodes and newsletters and transcripts. So 612 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:30,920 Speaker 1: check it out if you would like, and if you 613 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,880 Speaker 1: have an episode suggestion, send me a DM at that 614 00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:36,719 Speaker 1: Psychology podcast. I love hearing what you guys are going 615 00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:39,960 Speaker 1: through and how that relates to some of the universal 616 00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:44,800 Speaker 1: psychology and experiences of our twenties. So thank you for listening, 617 00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:49,239 Speaker 1: and we will be back next week with another episode.