WEBVTT - TERRI COLE: Getting Real About High-Functioning Codependency and Setting Healthy Boundaries 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:10.600 At Adam Caryl Lone. 0:00:11.520 --> 0:00:16.640 She's a queen and talking and you know she's getting 0:00:16.640 --> 0:00:19.000 really not afraid to feel as episode or soul. 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:22.160 Just let it flow. No one can do we quiet, 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:27.680 Cary Line, it's sound for Carolne. 0:00:28.040 --> 0:00:29.880 You know what I like about you, Terry Cole do telling. 0:00:30.080 --> 0:00:31.760 I like that you just like get to the point, 0:00:32.000 --> 0:00:33.600 like and when you're ready to leave, you just leave, 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:36.319 like you'll leave a conversation, you'll leave a room, you'll 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:37.960 leave anything when you're done with it, like you have 0:00:38.000 --> 0:00:38.839 a strong boundary. 0:00:38.840 --> 0:00:40.040 But it's so kind and loving. 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:42.920 That's so funny that you noticed that when it's time 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:43.159 to go. 0:00:43.240 --> 0:00:44.479 For Terry Cole, it's time to go. 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:45.080 She gotta go. 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:46.920 You gotta go because I admire that in people, because 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:48.960 I can't leave, like I have a hard time leaving, 0:00:48.960 --> 0:00:50.880 like I have to wait for everyone to be ready 0:00:50.880 --> 0:00:51.159 to leave. 0:00:51.280 --> 0:00:55.080 Part of my high functioning codebend. It's like that is correct, Oh, 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:55.959 I know, I know. 0:00:56.800 --> 0:00:59.080 Yeah, but I ast need to make sure everybody's done 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:01.600 with what they need to do and that they're finished 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:03.400 with what they want from that experience and what they 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:05.000 need from me. And so then when I feel like 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:06.319 everyone's ready to sleep, I'll leave. 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:09.800 But when I notice people like yourself who just freaking 0:01:09.880 --> 0:01:10.479 leave right. 0:01:10.319 --> 0:01:12.360 You're like, because when I need to leave is my 0:01:12.480 --> 0:01:14.480 side of the street, and what other people need to 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:15.479 leave is their side of the street. 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:16.039 Yeah. 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:18.720 See, you're not mind reading trying to guess why they 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:20.479 need you to stay longer, why you're going to say 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:22.600 for them, when you accomplished what you need to accomplish. 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:23.759 You're out or I just want to go home. 0:01:24.040 --> 0:01:28.240 Yeah, yeah, I've noticed that about you because I've been 0:01:28.319 --> 0:01:30.120 lucky enough to talk to you on zoom calls like 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:32.880 maybe three or four times, but you always just go 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:35.200 when you're done, Like you're always like, okay, great, love 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:37.120 talking to you, bye, love me, and then you just 0:01:37.160 --> 0:01:37.640 hang right up. 0:01:37.680 --> 0:01:39.560 And I'm like, I have some power right there. 0:01:39.600 --> 0:01:41.679 And what's so funny if my husband cannot end a 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:44.560 conversation with people and they said we'll be on based 0:01:44.600 --> 0:01:48.400 on with family and whatever, and I'm like, wrap it, 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:52.640 look up, like we're all done. They're done, We're done. 0:01:53.080 --> 0:01:54.720 And then as soon as we're about to hang up 0:01:54.760 --> 0:01:56.680 and be like, oh wait, Alex, I wanted to ask her, 0:01:56.720 --> 0:01:59.760 I'm like, how are we what is this an abandonment 0:01:59.760 --> 0:02:02.360 issue thing, like, what's the deal? Is there a skill 0:02:02.400 --> 0:02:04.040 to ending a conversation? I think there is? 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:07.240 Did you always end conversations well? Or did you acquire 0:02:07.320 --> 0:02:10.480 this over your years and years? Okay, so you're a psychotherapist. Yes, 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:12.880 like the best in the world in my opinion, because 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:15.320 you gave me my biggest breakthrough, which I was on 0:02:15.360 --> 0:02:16.720 a hunt around the world. 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:17.760 Literally. 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:19.600 I hired a life coach who were both friends with 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:21.960 Kathy Heller. She was amazing, learned so much from her, 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:26.240 and then she led me to you because we had 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:29.760 this retreat and she was having experts come in and 0:02:29.760 --> 0:02:32.400 teach us about ourselves and like why we were struggling 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:34.880 with self worth and all the things. And you came 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:37.240 in and you talked about hygph function codependency, and my 0:02:37.720 --> 0:02:38.640 jaw was on the ground. 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:41.240 I was like, oh my god, this is me. 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:45.000 But I, like, I had no idea because I did 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:47.040 not think I was codependent because I was so capable 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:50.280 exactly yeah, and I've done so many big things and 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:53.519 I'm not scared to take risks, you know, right. 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:58.600 But you, like everyone else, didn't understand the vast expansion 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:03.360 that is codependency and the particular flavor of your codependency. 0:03:03.360 --> 0:03:05.679 It was the same as my codependency, which is why 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:09.160 I named a new kind of codependency, calling it high functioning, 0:03:09.600 --> 0:03:12.800 because you were like all of my therapy clients who 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:15.760 anytime I would bring up, hey, that's a codependent pattern, 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:18.680 they'd be like, no, it's not, lady, I'm not codependent. 0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:21.840 Everyone's dependent on me. I'm the one making all the dough. 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:24.000 I'm the one who's the rock in my family. I'm 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:27.120 the one managing all the people. What are you talking about? 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:30.960 And it made me realize, Wow, my highly capable clients 0:03:31.280 --> 0:03:32.960 do not know what codependency is. 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:33.720 What is it? 0:03:33.919 --> 0:03:35.960 I won't tell you. Okay. According to Terry. 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:38.080 Cole, which is a good one to accord to, That's. 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:41.920 What I'm saying is when you are overly invested in 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:48.520 the feeling states, the outcomes, situations, circumstances, relationships of the 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:52.440 people in your life to the detriment of your own 0:03:52.520 --> 0:03:53.280 internal peace. 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:54.000 That's a big one. 0:03:54.040 --> 0:03:54.280 Okay. 0:03:54.280 --> 0:03:55.920 So like those are some big words just through out there, 0:03:55.920 --> 0:03:57.640 but like really, when you break it down, like if 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:00.280 you're feeling sick in your stomach because you're so worried 0:04:00.280 --> 0:04:03.000 about everyone in your life that their outcomes aren't going 0:04:03.040 --> 0:04:04.840 to be what you need them to be. And that's 0:04:04.880 --> 0:04:07.640 what you said, The outcomes need to be the way 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:10.160 I need them to be so I can relax, Like, 0:04:10.280 --> 0:04:13.160 I can't have them messing up how I needed to go, 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:15.800 or having them have construction or have them not being 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:18.160 happy or have them being mad at me, because then 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:19.359 I'm not going to be able to have peace. 0:04:19.480 --> 0:04:22.279 So I have to go control them to make sure 0:04:22.440 --> 0:04:23.000 that I give. 0:04:22.880 --> 0:04:25.320 Them everything I can with my people, pleasing personality, read 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:27.880 their energy, like feel the room, make sure they get 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:29.400 what they need so they can be happy, and then 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:31.680 I can be like, Okay, I can relax. 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:35.320 So you see how that's a short term strategy. 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:38.080 I lived in that way for like my whole life. 0:04:37.920 --> 0:04:39.760 Right, But you understand you can't keep going, which is 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:41.000 why you were searching around. 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:42.080 The world just having a prey down. 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:45.919 Yeah, because literally there's only so much bandwidth that we 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:49.920 can bleed in that way, especially once you become a mother, 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:54.080 especially because once you hit perimenopause or menopause, like you 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:58.440 just get so over all of this bandwidth bleeding. And 0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:01.000 what I see in my therapy practice is that it 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:05.440 makes us presentful because we're doing it. We are proactively 0:05:06.200 --> 0:05:08.920 inserting ourselves. Right, So what are the Let's talk about 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:11.080 the behaviors, because I feel like, let's get really clear 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:13.800 for people who are watching and listening to be able 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:17.000 to see themselves. If you are a high functioning codependent, 0:05:17.960 --> 0:05:20.960 I mean, let's just be specific about the differences. Right, 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:26.120 The more capable you are, the less codependency looks like codependency. 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:28.200 Sneakier you are, but it's still codependency. 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:31.040 You're extra sneaky and acting not codependent, that's right, You're 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:31.680 really good at it. 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:35.040 But actually people perceive you as not codependent because you're so. 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:37.400 Capable, probably like running some company. 0:05:37.080 --> 0:05:39.040 You are, and nobody is checking in on you either, 0:05:39.320 --> 0:05:41.280 because we're the ones who are checking in on all 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:45.920 the other people, right. Right, So with codependency, people think 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:50.320 my clients were like, I'm not enabling an alcoholic. What 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:53.680 are you talking about? As if that is the only 0:05:54.240 --> 0:05:56.520 way codependency can be expressed, Like. 0:05:56.520 --> 0:05:59.080 As if you let someone carry on a toxic behavior 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:01.200 that you're very aware, like drinking or drinks. 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:03.200 I mean, when you think about codependency, this is how 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:06.880 codependency Melody Baity codependent, no more got to be involved 0:06:06.880 --> 0:06:09.000 with an addict. This is what a lot of my 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:13.000 the myths that my clients thought were true about codependency, 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:16.000 so they didn't see themselves in the problem. So for me, 0:06:16.360 --> 0:06:18.760 I needed to create it so they could see themselves, 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:21.839 because how could we get to a solution if they 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:24.960 didn't even see themselves in the problem. And you know, Caroline, 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:29.440 it was also my own personal experiences, So this wasn't 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:37.839 just me sort of changing this definition. It's me expanding 0:06:37.880 --> 0:06:41.040 the definition because it was the flavor of my own 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:46.159 young life codependency where you're not just codependent with the 0:06:46.200 --> 0:06:48.720 people in your life, you could be codependent. I mean, 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:51.239 I opened the book with a story of me being 0:06:51.279 --> 0:06:54.240 on a platform in Long Island, a train platform at 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:56.760 ten thirty at night on a Tuesday, and I see 0:06:56.800 --> 0:06:59.320 this kid, he's probably about nineteen and I'm probably about 0:06:59.360 --> 0:07:02.960 twenty two, and he's holding a little blanket and I'm like, hmm. 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:06.000 My helper radar is already pinging, like where's this young 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:08.479 kid going? At ten thirty at night? And I was 0:07:08.480 --> 0:07:10.400 going back to my apartment. I was coming from therapy, 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:12.640 and so I started chattinghim up on the train, and 0:07:12.680 --> 0:07:14.320 I was like, oh, where are you going? He said, Oh, 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:16.280 my name is Billy blah blah blah. He's like, I 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:19.000 was hired to drive a car from Long Island to 0:07:19.000 --> 0:07:21.920 Indiana and then they just canceled the gig. So I go, 0:07:22.080 --> 0:07:25.360 so where are you going? He's like, I'm going. I'm 0:07:25.360 --> 0:07:28.440 going to you know, Penn Station. I go, where are 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:31.480 you going to sleep? He's like Pound Station. I was like, no, 0:07:31.520 --> 0:07:33.040 you're not building. Have you ever been to Penn State? 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:34.800 Keep him on. This is the late eighties. The city 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:37.080 was rough still. I was like, you've ever been to 0:07:37.120 --> 0:07:39.320 Pend Station? Dude? You can't sleep there. He's like, well, 0:07:39.320 --> 0:07:41.440 I don't know anybody in New York. I'm like, yeah, 0:07:41.440 --> 0:07:43.880 you do? You know me? You let him upstate with you? Yes? 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:46.560 I did. I took a perfect stranger that I knew 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:49.520 for exactly one hour, brought him to my apartment with 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:53.440 my female roommate, and it was a studio rent did 0:07:53.440 --> 0:07:53.800 it all? 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:54.560 How did it pan out? 0:07:54.640 --> 0:07:56.800 Oh? Fine? Of course? I mean he left without incident 0:07:56.880 --> 0:07:58.840 the next day. And the point is you guys, watching 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:01.600 and listening to you, you may not have done that extreme, 0:08:02.400 --> 0:08:05.280 but we all have Billy's stories. Which is where we 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:09.080 feel overly responsible for people we don't even efen know. 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:14.080 Why is that well, because it's an illusion of control. Right, 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:17.360 here's the illusion. I couldn't stand the idea that this 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:19.560 boy in my mind, which is ironic because I was 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:22.760 probably three years older than him, was going to be 0:08:22.800 --> 0:08:26.320 in what I considered a dangerous or precarious situation. And 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:29.840 we are the helpers, the healers, we're the ones, we're 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:32.280 the ones. We can't let it slip through the crack, 0:08:32.720 --> 0:08:35.400 even someone we don't know. And here's the thing. I 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:38.760 didn't stop and think and go, hmmm, does that make sense? 0:08:38.880 --> 0:08:40.960 Is this even my shit to solve? Like is this 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:44.959 even my problem? It was a knee jerk reaction. So 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:48.480 the thing with high function codependency in these and I'm 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:50.400 going to go through the behaviors so people can't get 0:08:50.400 --> 0:08:53.800 into it and understand if it's them we're talking about. 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:57.360 These are things we're sort of doing compulsively, like I'm 0:08:57.360 --> 0:09:01.200 not thinking. I wasn't thinking before, not at all, and 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:03.120 it never entered my mind. It wasn't the right thing 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:07.120 to do, though, I mean till way later, even when 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:09.640 I came home, freached yourself out way later. We later, 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:11.400 I well, of course, and once I started, once I 0:09:11.440 --> 0:09:14.160 had kids, I was like, that was insane. Why would 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:16.719 you do that? So the behaviors we want to look 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:20.920 out for auto advice giving, Okay. 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:22.120 So I kind of explain that a little bit, so 0:09:22.880 --> 0:09:26.000 always got the right answer always here. Because another thing, 0:09:26.040 --> 0:09:27.360 and I'm not trying to diverge, just when to make 0:09:27.360 --> 0:09:29.480 sure I say this is when you are a high 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:32.319 function codependent, you are so afraid of that other person's 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:34.800 cookie crumbling and their life falling apart. 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:36.520 But what you don't know. 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:39.520 Is like that is so self righteous of you to 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:41.160 think that you know it's best for them, and that 0:09:41.240 --> 0:09:43.880 them falling apart isn't exactly what they needed. So they 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:47.079 could hit that level and actually gain the lessons they 0:09:47.080 --> 0:09:49.400 need and go on the journey they need that they 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:50.199 wouldn't have done if. 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:52.080 They hadn't hit that level. I think about that all 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:52.560 the time. 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:55.760 Yes, but it takes so long to get to that 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:56.679 because here's the thing. 0:09:57.120 --> 0:09:58.160 So then you have to let people be. 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:01.080 That's the thing. We have to let the ships fall 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:03.320 where they may when they're not your mother f and chips. 0:10:03.679 --> 0:10:06.120 But that's the hard that's the hard. Part. So the 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:08.640 auto advice giving this can look like two things. It 0:10:08.640 --> 0:10:11.680 can look like someone coming to you and just saying, oh, hey, 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:13.880 I decided I'm going to go here for vacation. You 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:16.200 being like, oh, make sure you stop there as well. 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:18.440 This place was amazing. You're going to love that. I 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:20.840 know people, I actually have a great real estate, but 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:23.080 like I have a great travel agent for you, I 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:26.040 where we just can't stop. So that's someone who hasn't 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:27.880 even asked us for our input. They literally just said 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:30.240 I'm going on vacation. We were like planning their itinerary. 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:32.400 So there's that. And then you have the people who 0:10:32.440 --> 0:10:34.960 come to you because you are a healer and a 0:10:35.000 --> 0:10:38.760 helper and a fixer, who are like, she's definitely going 0:10:38.800 --> 0:10:42.360 to tell me what to do. Can't wait, And they say, hey, 0:10:42.400 --> 0:10:45.000 I have this problem, and you immediately jump in with 0:10:45.120 --> 0:10:47.120 your ideas, your thoughts. The people you can hook them 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:49.000 up with the book that you've already underlined for them, 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:50.880 the course that you're going to purchase for them, all 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:54.920 the things that we do. But let's talk about the cost. 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:56.240 So wait, what is that one? 0:10:56.600 --> 0:11:00.920 When they time to you, that's also advice givings and it's. 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:03.120 As part of auto advice giving. It really is, because 0:11:03.120 --> 0:11:05.760 you have the spiritual advice yes and no wisdom. 0:11:05.920 --> 0:11:09.440 Here's the thing, though, they could come to you and say, 0:11:09.720 --> 0:11:13.520 even if they're asking for your opinion, the most loving 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:17.240 thing to do before you ever tell anyone what you 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:20.240 think is to say, first of all, what do you think? 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:24.160 Instead of like, instead of going to that people, please 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:25.960 do let me fix it right away. So just fire 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:28.600 off some advice for you, But what do you think? 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:29.800 Because they actually know. 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:33.080 For themselves, and even if they don't, it's okay, right, 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:34.640 you can say what do you think you should do? 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:39.520 Because your gun instinct is good because nobody knows more 0:11:39.559 --> 0:11:42.160 than you what you should do in this situation. And 0:11:42.200 --> 0:11:44.719 even if you don't know, I will be with you 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:50.000 in the foxhole of your not knowing. That's love, that's 0:11:50.000 --> 0:11:52.760 a wisdom, right. But not fixing it, you see, fixing 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:55.520 is what we do for us. I'm uncomfortable with your 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:57.839 uncomfortable feelings. I'm gonna fix it so I feel better. 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:02.280 Uh huh right, love, Yes, tell you, oh, same until 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:05.560 you hit me like a ton of break, but same, same. 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:08.080 And how do I recognize you? Because I was you? 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:13.600 I was you. Because we're so big hearted, we're empathic, 0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:17.840 we're highly sensitive people. Listen, anyone who's watching this or 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:19.960 listening to this and is feeling like, oh my god, 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:24.120 this is me? Is this terrible? It's not terrible. We 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:28.320 are good people. We are lovers, we are mothers, we 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:30.360 are partners. We want to be the best friends and 0:12:30.400 --> 0:12:32.240 the best sisters. We want to do it all right, 0:12:33.160 --> 0:12:37.840 and we want to control it all And it's the 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.160 most loving thing in the world to give that up 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:43.240 and to let the chips fall where they may, as 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:45.080 I said, when they're not your mother f and chips 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.880 and that can be difficult to see. So we have 0:12:47.920 --> 0:12:50.000 auto advice giving, which I'm going to tell you what 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:53.400 to do instead, Right, what are we going to do? Instead? 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:57.400 We're going to ask expansive questions. Tell me more about that. 0:12:57.480 --> 0:12:59.040 If you did know the answer, what would it be? 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:04.200 Just take a gain, Yes, let them figure out for themselves. Yeah, 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:06.240 because they might be going down a totally different road 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:08.360 than you would have taken them on with your advice. 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:12.040 Exactly what you're personal Yeah, right, because fixing is not 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:15.400 the same as compassionately witnessing or loving. 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:17.960 Oh god, you have to be so wise to act 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:21.320 like this. Okay, yes you have to be so aware. 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.320 You do, Yes, you do, you do. But the thing is, 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:26.440 we get super aware. And I walk you through this 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:30.080 in the book of like our activation points. I'm not 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:32.080 going to say triggers just because that shit is so 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:35.480 overused and it's so boring, Like unless you're talking about 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:38.920 real trauma capital t then it's okay to say triggers. 0:13:38.920 --> 0:13:40.840 But I don't love the whole thing that, like everything 0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:43.920 is triggering people all the time, but we get activated 0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:47.640 activated right where I'm a little tense, my heart is 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:49.679 beating a little, I'm a little worried about what you 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:53.600 are aren't going to do. That's about us, right, So 0:13:53.679 --> 0:13:58.120 we need to understand that about us and have compassion 0:13:58.600 --> 0:14:00.440 for why we are. And I walk you through this. 0:14:00.480 --> 0:14:03.760 I walk you through your HFC blueprint. So your high 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:08.160 functioning codependency blueprint is a relational blueprint, which is like, 0:14:08.280 --> 0:14:11.840 why do we relate in our relationships the way that 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:14.280 we do, Why do we relate to the world. Why 0:14:14.280 --> 0:14:17.400 do we feel this over responsibility for all the people 0:14:17.440 --> 0:14:19.440 and all the things. Why do we look at people 0:14:19.440 --> 0:14:24.480 as projects to be managed in problems to be solved. 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:35.239 There's reasons why. 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:40.120 So do you think people actually walk into relationship as 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:42.240 to whole healed humans, Andre like, we're going to be 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:44.280 partner up. I mean, that's amazing. 0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:46.800 I don't know that they walk in that way. 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:48.440 You're too older to be able to get to that. 0:14:48.680 --> 0:14:52.240 I think so. But I do believe that it's possible 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:55.120 to have a healthy relationship because what I walk you 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:57.920 through in the book is we go from codependency to 0:14:58.320 --> 0:15:03.040 enter dependency in our relationships, which is a healthy dependency. 0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:05.760 There is such thing. That's what a healthy relationship is. 0:15:06.480 --> 0:15:12.360 So back to the behaviors. Auto accommodating is the next behavior, 0:15:13.360 --> 0:15:16.200 so where we just are constantly twisting ourselves up in 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:18.560 a press so we're lighting ourselves on fire to keep 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:21.240 other people warm. I don't want you to be inconvenienced. 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:25.000 Although yep, car broke down, don't worry. Take the other car. 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:28.000 All uber school like, we just can't wait to just 0:15:28.120 --> 0:15:33.200 auto accommodate again because we're always anticipating where there might 0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:36.760 be a problem that we can make not be a problem. 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.440 Is it also because ultimately need people to love us, 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:43.080 so we're going to make sure these behaviors part of 0:15:43.080 --> 0:15:44.680 that going back to because I need you to love me, 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:45.960 so I'm going to do these behaviors. 0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:48.680 It's a combination of I wouldn't only just say it 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.240 that way. I would say, we don't want to be 0:15:51.320 --> 0:15:55.600 rejected fear of making other people mad. And what does 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:57.040 that mean? We don't want to get kicked out of 0:15:57.040 --> 0:16:00.520 the tribe? Yeah, right, so yes, is it ultimately yes, 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:03.520 valuable and we don't want to be left. We don't 0:16:03.600 --> 0:16:05.800 be left, It's true. I mean there is abandonment stuff 0:16:05.800 --> 0:16:09.680 there too. We also can't take it when we feel 0:16:09.680 --> 0:16:12.920 like things are out of control. So what people don't 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:15.520 talk about with any kind of codependency is that it 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:19.200 is an overt or covert bid to control other people's outcomes. 0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:24.120 I mean it just is overt. It's an overt or 0:16:24.200 --> 0:16:28.760 covert meaning it's an obvious grab for control, or it's 0:16:28.840 --> 0:16:33.120 like a stealthy not grab for control. Yes, where it's like, oh, 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:36.560 wouldn't it be better if did this, Like if not 0:16:36.680 --> 0:16:39.880 really saying truthfully how you feel about it, but guiding 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:43.160 something this way, omitting information if it's going to make 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:47.120 somebody mad, finding a way to you know, the next 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:49.440 one from auto accommodating which is kind of in the moment. 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:55.480 Then we have the planning where you're proactively, like planning 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:57.120 for the future when you know you're going to be 0:16:57.800 --> 0:16:59.080 with somebody difficult. 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:00.440 Oh, you're prepping. 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:02.960 You're prepping, okay, like how you're going to behave and 0:17:03.000 --> 0:17:04.760 how you're not going to have. So Uncle Bob is 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:06.440 coming to the party, and so is Uncle Jim and 0:17:06.440 --> 0:17:08.800 they hate each other. So Uncle Bob is always the troublemaker. 0:17:08.800 --> 0:17:10.239 So I'm going to make sure he doesn't sit near him, 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:11.720 and I'll make sure you get the booze that he likes, 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:13.920 so that won't be a problem. So instead of just 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:16.560 saying to Uncle Bob, either act like a normal person 0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:19.600 or don't come to the party, we do this. We 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:23.360 do this anticipatory as planning. 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:25.800 Don't we all do that? I mean, even though you're 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:26.840 so healed, do you still do that? 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:28.440 If you're going to have a family function you knew 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:31.280 there were some problems, would you would you not prep 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:33.320 for it even though you know the truth. 0:17:33.640 --> 0:17:35.679 What's interesting is for me, at this point in my 0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:39.200 life and at this point in my recovery, I would 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:41.720 have already told Uncle Bob to get a shit together 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.520 or he's not coming to the party like lovingly, but 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:46.000 I would have been like, if you don't want to, 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:48.960 I'm not doing this thing. So if you don't want 0:17:48.960 --> 0:17:52.240 to see Uncle Jim, you're both coming. And it is 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:57.040 your right to not come, right, and I respect that right. 0:17:57.840 --> 0:18:00.439 But I'm not going to be a referee at my 0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:02.000 own party when I have things that I have to 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:04.919 be doing good and i'd like to make a simple 0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:07.159 request that you get your shit together. Thank you. 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:09.800 That's amazing. 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:11.520 Maybe I wouldn't say it just like that, but yes, 0:18:11.600 --> 0:18:14.400 you get the point. But anticipatory planning, all of these 0:18:14.400 --> 0:18:17.400 things that we're talking about take up so much bandwidth 0:18:17.440 --> 0:18:23.720 they do, it's exhausting. We're also overfunctioning so now, and 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:27.000 this is a very common dynamic and codependent relationships, the 0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:30.240 overfunctioning and the underfunctioning. And I used to say, because 0:18:30.280 --> 0:18:32.919 it's true that in my twenties I could take a 0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:37.960 perfectly capable man and turn him into an underfunctioner and 0:18:38.040 --> 0:18:41.440 let two weeks or less, two weeks or less by 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:43.600 just being like, I got it. You just handle everything 0:18:43.640 --> 0:18:46.600 I have on back, don't worry, so everything's fine. I 0:18:46.640 --> 0:18:48.919