WEBVTT - THE EXISTENTIAL DREAD EPISODE 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:03.560 Hello, Oh hey, Lyle, what's up man? How you doing? 0:00:04.320 --> 0:00:08.520 I'm all right? What's it called? I was, you know, 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:12.040 I had a little bit of time to myself. I 0:00:12.080 --> 0:00:13.720 got like a month and a half off of work 0:00:14.080 --> 0:00:18.120 and I got a you know, apartment to myself and 0:00:18.239 --> 0:00:21.759 a lot of free time. And at first I was 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:25.480 having a good time, and then existential dread, you know, 0:00:25.560 --> 0:00:26.520 started to set in. 0:00:26.840 --> 0:00:31.480 Yes, all right, let's talk let's talk about this, let's 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:36.640 talk about this. And you know, last episode of this podcast, 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:41.520 I went on a whole rant about how solving your 0:00:41.640 --> 0:00:46.120 problem or about how what is it that talking about 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:50.800 your problems doesn't really solve them? But I am curious 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:54.640 from your perspective. I want to know about your existential 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:58.000 crisis because I'm also in the midst of a strong 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:01.880 existential crisis. And I don't know why, but it's something 0:01:01.880 --> 0:01:05.400 about your voice mode. You seem like a normal human 0:01:05.440 --> 0:01:08.039 being that I can connect with, and so. 0:01:09.480 --> 0:01:11.880 I want to know. I want to know about. 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:15.440 Your existential crisis and about your life. 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:18.600 Sure, So, you know, since I have a lot of 0:01:18.600 --> 0:01:20.720 free time to think, I just want to preface this 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:23.200 whole thing real quick with so I do see a 0:01:23.240 --> 0:01:26.679 therapist and I do see a therapist regularly, and I 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:30.760 know you're not, you know, like a certified therapist. And 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:33.400 you know, I was just hoping to get some like, 0:01:33.440 --> 0:01:37.319 you know, perspective on some things. And I think it 0:01:37.400 --> 0:01:40.440 all kind of goes back to I think two callers 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:44.560 ago you were talking about how you feel lonely at times. 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:48.080 Right, Yes, yes, I was talking about this. 0:01:50.200 --> 0:01:53.080 Yeah. So you know, for a long long time, I've 0:01:53.120 --> 0:02:00.480 been dealing with depression and anxiety, and you know, very recently, 0:02:00.840 --> 0:02:06.840 I you know, have had a very drastically different view 0:02:07.080 --> 0:02:09.600 on how I view my defession anxiety. Like a lot 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:14.320 of you know, difficult moments in life, I'm learning the 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:19.360 gifts that they have to offer, right. You know, my 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:20.880 last relationship was like four. 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:25.840 Years ago, and you know, throughout these past four years, 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:30.120 you know, I've felt differently about loneliness as of right now, 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:35.040 you know, I have my spikes of loneliness, but they're kind. 0:02:34.840 --> 0:02:37.400 Of they're filled with like like a sweet sadness, you know, 0:02:37.720 --> 0:02:44.640 where I'm like, Okay, I'm lonely. You know, why what 0:02:44.840 --> 0:02:46.960 is it I'm seeking out of a connection? You know, 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:50.000 is it like for somebody to hold me and tell 0:02:50.000 --> 0:02:53.160 me you know that you know that I'm I'm good 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:56.359 enough that you know I'm doing a great job. Well, 0:02:56.400 --> 0:02:59.040 I can. I can validate myself, you know, get the 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:02.880 validation from inside. So the gift that loneliness is offering 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:07.000 is you know, self love, you know, self validation, right, 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:16.200 pat yourself on the back. But you know, but I 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:18.960 I don't know, like I guess because I have all 0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:21.720 this freet time and I'm not occupied. There's no action 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:23.920 that's being taken, you know, I'm just like, you know, 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:25.959 going out for a run, going out for a walk, 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:31.520 you know that like loneliness, Like I'm I don't know, 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:35.200 I just don't feel like a sense of urgency to like, 0:03:36.880 --> 0:03:39.880 I don't know, like tackle it. And I'm having a 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:41.840 good time most of the time. So I'm just like, 0:03:41.880 --> 0:03:44.400 what's the need for to go out there and like 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:49.920 actively look for a partner? You know, there's no you know, 0:03:50.040 --> 0:03:52.600 I I just don't feel like putting in the effort there. 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:55.160 And at the same time, like I don't want to 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:56.800 be alone either, you know what I mean? 0:03:57.880 --> 0:04:03.480 Yes, I do know what you mean. Yeah, I mean 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:08.280 idle Idle hands belong to the devil, and the devil 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:09.560 comes in many forms. 0:04:11.400 --> 0:04:11.600 Yeh. 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.760 Yeah, Lately the devil for me is coming in the 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:20.840 form of looking at reddits and seeing a bunch of 0:04:21.279 --> 0:04:26.240 like just insane things every day on there. But yeah, 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:28.200 I mean, you gotta do something or else. I mean, 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:29.360 that's what life is. 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:35.720 Really. Life is trying to fill your day with things 0:04:35.960 --> 0:04:39.560 to do so that you don't die. 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:41.760 Now, I mean, not not so that you don't die, 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:44.640 so that you don't get depressed existential. Now, it's kind 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:47.600 of a privilege to be depressed existential in the sense that, 0:04:49.040 --> 0:04:53.240 for like most of the world, the thing that they 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:57.039 focus on that they distract them from most of the world, 0:04:57.360 --> 0:05:00.560 The thing that people are distracting themselves with so they 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:04.640 don't feel existential is their own pure survival. 0:05:05.240 --> 0:05:05.440 You know. 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:13.640 That's like what most people distract themselves with. If you're lucky, 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:17.680 you take some sense of pride in whatever it is 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:22.400 that you do to survive, or maybe whatever it is 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:27.440 you do to survive is supplemented by other things that 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:32.400 distract you, like you know, friends and family and a 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:38.000 dog or whatever the fuck. But yeah, I mean that's 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:41.080 it's just life is just trying to find ways to 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:43.279 not think. 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:47.240 Right. And you know, like so much of my life 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:50.400 is just like you know, it's not like, you know, 0:05:50.400 --> 0:05:53.039 I'm like well off, you know, I'm like, you know, 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:55.479 I'm doing really well financially because I'm not. I'm like 0:05:56.000 --> 0:05:58.960 fairly both most of the time. Right, But there's so 0:05:59.040 --> 0:06:01.800 much good about my life where my social network, you know, 0:06:01.880 --> 0:06:05.839 my friends. I've known everybody for such a long time, 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:09.400 like eighteen fifteen years, and I've a lot of really 0:06:09.440 --> 0:06:13.680 solid friendships. My network is really supportive and loving all 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:17.440 the time and really understanding, you know. And but like 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:20.159 when it comes to like a search for a partner, right, 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:25.240 you know, that's like the difficult part for me where 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:29.520 I don't you know, I'm not in school, you know, 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:32.479 I'm not in college or anything. So there's that avenue 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:37.920 is like blocked off. Right. My job is like it's 0:06:37.960 --> 0:06:40.560 a pretty messed up job, so you know, there's no 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:44.040 there's no you know, women around to interact with their right, 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:48.039 so that avenue is blocked off. And in the past, 0:06:48.080 --> 0:06:51.039 like my relationships, you know, the ones I had, there's 0:06:51.080 --> 0:06:55.279 just been friendships that like all of a sudden like 0:06:55.960 --> 0:06:59.240 transition into a relationship, you know, and I never really 0:06:59.240 --> 0:07:02.560 had to do any work, you know, in regards to 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:07.080 like courtship and ship right right, and now the only 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:14.440 avenue that's open is online dating, you know, yea, yeah, 0:07:14.920 --> 0:07:16.960 you know, my therapist has been telling me, my friends 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:19.440 have been telling me, like, hey, you got to do 0:07:19.520 --> 0:07:21.720 this thing, right, you got to give it a shot. 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:24.080 So all right, let me see what this whole thing 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:29.680 is about. And almost immediately it was like anxiety inducing. 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:34.480 You know, I've never really yeah, I could never really 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:39.480 articulate what it is precisely that I don't like about 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:41.680 online dating. You know, I'd say things like, oh, like 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:44.280 people just go through in the middle of the conversation. 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:48.840 That's frustrating, Or I don't like how fast pace everything is, 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:52.560 you know, like I'm just used to like slow paced 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:56.920 development of into like a intimate relationship, you know, from 0:07:57.000 --> 0:08:01.520 a friendship, and everybody has a sense of urgency on 0:08:01.560 --> 0:08:04.240 these dating apps where it's just like one after the 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:08.920 other's swipe through, swipe through, and you know, I see 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:11.040 it's not only anxiety inducing. I just see a lot 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:15.200 of problem with it. You know. It feels like, you know, 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:18.760 like how do I explain it? Like society is like 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:22.400 everybody like the idea that they have a falling in 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:26.000 love like, for example, like you wake up, you walk 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:28.440 out the door, and you're walking down the street and 0:08:28.480 --> 0:08:31.600 you trip and fall and like a girl helps you up, 0:08:31.680 --> 0:08:33.520 or you help up a girl that's falling down, right, 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:38.320 and you guys like, you know, make eye contact, and 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:40.600 you guys ask for each other's name. You guys go 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:43.240 out to a coffee shop. You guys like meet up 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:45.800 over the course of the next couple of weeks, months, 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:50.240 figuring out like each other's values, like what are you about, 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:52.200 where are you going? Who do you want to be? 0:08:52.520 --> 0:08:57.400 You know, And it's like a slow, steady process of 0:08:57.440 --> 0:09:02.160 falling in love, right, And there's none of that. I mean, 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:06.559 I think that's beautiful, right, and it's high risk and 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:09.400 it's beautiful. And online dating just ships you all of 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:13.720 that stuff, right of the slow sweetness of falling in love. 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:17.720 It's just like, oh, this person is like val. 0:09:19.200 --> 0:09:26.199 Sly because I mean online online dating is just a 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:29.560 way of meeting people, you know what I mean. So look, 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:32.400 it's very possible that you can meet a lady on 0:09:32.440 --> 0:09:36.160 the dating apps and you guys start talking and then 0:09:36.280 --> 0:09:38.640 you know, maybe you start texting back and forth, and 0:09:39.080 --> 0:09:42.200 you know, you just become friends. The way that like, 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:45.920 I mean, everyone forget about online dating specifically. I mean 0:09:45.960 --> 0:09:48.680 everyone's like meeting each other and finding each other on 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:53.239 fucking discord and Instagram and. 0:09:52.559 --> 0:09:53.400 All these things. 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:56.040 And it's just like, you know, you could pretty easily 0:09:56.080 --> 0:09:58.480 find not easily, but you know you can find someone 0:09:59.760 --> 0:10:03.559 on these apps that you just start kind of gradually, 0:10:05.160 --> 0:10:11.120 you know, texting or being with right. And here's the 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:14.760 here's the thing. I saw this in a Reddit comment 0:10:14.880 --> 0:10:19.000 a long time ago. I'm gonna quote a Reddit comment, okay, 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:23.400 that that, uh, dating is for people who are either 0:10:23.640 --> 0:10:28.240 dating is for people who are either patient or lucky. 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:30.480 So you have to be one of those two things. 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:33.040 And if you're not, you will you will fail. 0:10:35.040 --> 0:10:38.439 You either have you either have to be super fucking lucky. 0:10:39.640 --> 0:10:44.640 To find love or you have to be super fucking patient. 0:10:45.120 --> 0:10:49.160 And by being super fucking patient, it means like being 0:10:49.200 --> 0:10:53.320 able to very easily brush off, you know, all the 0:10:53.360 --> 0:10:57.439 common things like getting getting ghosted, getting rejected, not getting 0:10:57.440 --> 0:10:58.600 any matches, whatever. 0:10:58.600 --> 0:11:00.679 It is like you have to just be a to keep. 0:11:00.480 --> 0:11:04.320 Brushing it off and just grind and for years, you know, 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:10.360 like actual true patients, like for years and not getting frustrated, 0:11:10.840 --> 0:11:14.640 or you just get super lucky and you immediately log 0:11:14.679 --> 0:11:16.120 in the first person you meet. 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:16.920 Up with off the app. 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:20.320 You're attracted to them, they're attracted to you. You like 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:22.280 each other as human beings, and you get married. 0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:24.400 You can or you can be super lucky. If you're lucky. 0:11:24.600 --> 0:11:26.360 If you're lucky, you're lucky, you know what I mean. 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:29.160 But if you're not lucky, you're just patience. Patience is 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:33.680 the only other answer to that, because looks like it's 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:38.200 like as everything, if you continue to put effort into 0:11:38.240 --> 0:11:41.040 the search and it doesn't drive you fucking completely insane, 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:47.520 and you just keep being patient and you keep trying, eventually. 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:49.080 It's like you'll find something. 0:11:49.120 --> 0:11:51.160 I mean, we had a guy on the podcast come 0:11:51.200 --> 0:11:54.199 in here talking about how he went on over one 0:11:54.280 --> 0:12:00.000 hundred dates before he found the woman who he's currently 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:02.840 having a kid with, So you know it might take 0:12:03.080 --> 0:12:04.880 one hundred dates. 0:12:06.200 --> 0:12:08.840 So so you know, I I kind of have like 0:12:08.880 --> 0:12:12.040 an issue. I'm not saying in it of itself, that's 0:12:12.080 --> 0:12:14.120 like a problem that a person is going on one 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:18.800 hundred dates and that's how somehow like morally or sthy 0:12:19.679 --> 0:12:21.520 incorrect in some way. I'm not saying that at all, 0:12:21.600 --> 0:12:25.360 right for me, personally. The issue I have with that, 0:12:25.520 --> 0:12:32.320 right is when you're swiping through person after person, there's 0:12:32.360 --> 0:12:35.800 this constant idea in the back of your mind. You 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:39.920 might not consciously acknowledge it, but let's say like you're 0:12:39.920 --> 0:12:41.840 in a middle of a conversation with a girl online 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:44.559 that you match to it right, and things are just 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:47.120 going phenomenal. You're like, oh, man, we have so much 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:50.520 in common, Like, she's phenomenal. We have our political values 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:54.079 are aligned, you know, or you know or etcetera, etcetera 0:12:54.280 --> 0:12:57.160 is aligned. But in the back of your mind you 0:12:57.240 --> 0:13:01.520 know that any second now I might match with somebody 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:05.400 who's maybe slightly more attractive than her, or maybe slightly 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:10.240 more in tune with me, right sure, and online dating 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:17.160 in that way perpetuates the idea that love is about idealization. 0:13:17.280 --> 0:13:21.480 We're looking for a perfect person. It's about idealization. It's 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:27.400 not about acceptance. The value of like going on less dates, 0:13:28.160 --> 0:13:33.120 interacting with less people is that that slow, sweet grind 0:13:33.280 --> 0:13:36.920 of getting to figure somebody out. There's so much acceptance 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:39.040 in that, right, because along the way, you're like, man, 0:13:40.160 --> 0:13:43.160 I don't see eye to eye with her on these views, 0:13:43.679 --> 0:13:46.000 but she's so great in so many other ways, but 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:49.880 I love her. She's great, right, And it becomes about acceptance, 0:13:49.880 --> 0:13:52.800 which I personally think is what loves out to be 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:53.520 about at least. 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:53.840 Right. 0:13:55.679 --> 0:14:01.280 So the going through iteration after iteration of people, it's like, 0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:04.480 you know, it's like an access of something, right, Like 0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:08.000 if you look at if you look at like, uh, 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:12.000 like back in my country, right, whenever we went over 0:14:12.040 --> 0:14:13.160 to somebody's house. 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:15.280 And where is your country? 0:14:17.120 --> 0:14:21.320 I was born in Pakistan? Okay, cool, in a very 0:14:21.400 --> 0:14:23.440 very very small town. You know, no one's heard of 0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:26.240 it at all. So it's like when I when I 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:28.360 was growing up, man, we were like we were forget 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:30.680 about cars. We were like riding around on like buggies 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:36.200 and horses and stuff, right to get around. And when 0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:38.800 you go go over to somebody's house and they give 0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:41.600 you a coca cola and a bottle, it was like whoa, 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:45.760 Like there, this is special, right, this is a special thing. Right. 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:49.160 It's not like every night in Pakistan we were having 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:51.880 like a can of coke with with their dinner or whatever. 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:55.560 Right now we have like an access of coca cola. 0:14:55.600 --> 0:14:56.760 You can get coca cola. 0:14:56.560 --> 0:15:00.560 Any fucking time, right, And it's it kind of loses. 0:15:00.600 --> 0:15:03.960 It's like, uh, I don't know, like there's an access 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.920 of it, it loses. It's like uh specialness to it. Right, 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:11.280 the way I see online dating, it's like an it's 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:16.200 like an axis of sexuality that's on top of it, 0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:21.000 commodified through a capitalist system. Right, yeah. And before I 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:22.840 get through the even the head direction. 0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:26.080 No, go ahead, go ahead, you're you're you're speaking. Look 0:15:26.120 --> 0:15:29.120 look look you're speaking total fat. Look I have agreed 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:31.880 with everything that you have said so far. I have 0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:34.840 things to add on top of it, but god, yeah please. 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:42.520 Yeah. So you know, because in this system, the primary 0:15:42.600 --> 0:15:48.120 motive for anything, like take education, healthcare, it's for profit. 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:51.400 It's for the bottom line. Online dating is no different. 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:54.480 Like I'm not going to pretend that. Like companies like 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:58.640 tint and Hinge Hinge and Tinder are out there and 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:00.760 the primary motive is to help me fall in. 0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:01.600 Love because it's. 0:16:03.960 --> 0:16:04.640 For it's for them. 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:07.200 For me, it's for me to engage as much as 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:09.840 possible in their apps so they can sell my data 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:13.000 to advertise this. Right, So it's not in their best 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:16.160 interest for me to find love. And uh, you know, 0:16:16.200 --> 0:16:18.840 there was this a Harvard professor that did a study 0:16:18.880 --> 0:16:23.880 on connection and love and online dating. And there was 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:28.880 a journalist that asked that Harvard professor and uh sex 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:33.480 worker the same exact question, do the algorithm's work. Both 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:36.000 of them said the same exact thing, No, they do not. 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:41.360 I found that kind of, you know, funny and interesting. 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:44.880 Well look, look, look, here's the thing. Here's here's here's 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:46.640 everything you everything. 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:47.880 You said is correct. 0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:51.600 Yes, these apps are incentivized to make you want to 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:53.800 continue to engage with them. 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:54.520 Uh. 0:16:55.040 --> 0:16:58.000 Yes, it's a for profit system, all these things. 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:04.560 But but all so at the end of the day, look, man, 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:06.240 it's a it's a. 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:09.199 For a lot of people. 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:12.119 A lot of people get fucked on the apps, for sure, 0:17:13.400 --> 0:17:18.280 but for a lot of people it's a beneficiary transaction. 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:21.479 You know, the company makes money because they engage with 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:25.480 you and send you ads. And I know eight billion 0:17:25.560 --> 0:17:29.679 people who fucking met their significant other on Tinder or hinge, 0:17:31.080 --> 0:17:37.560 and so to completely utterly disregard any positive value that 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:44.240 these apps can bring is a mistake. But I think, 0:17:44.359 --> 0:17:47.800 I think what you said about love being about acceptance 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:53.600 instead of idealization is also one hundred percent correct. And 0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:58.120 you know it's interesting because it's like, yeah, I fully 0:17:58.119 --> 0:18:01.160 agree with you that love is about except versus idealization. 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:05.480 But also at the same time, it's like, well, what 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:10.359 you have to kind of decide for yourself. Okay, what 0:18:10.400 --> 0:18:11.600 can I not accept? 0:18:12.400 --> 0:18:12.639 You know? 0:18:13.400 --> 0:18:15.240 And then like what. 0:18:15.119 --> 0:18:18.600 Do I what do I like like, make your list, 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:24.320 you know, make your list ideally as small as possible, 0:18:25.480 --> 0:18:31.760 and then yeah, and then and then try to accept, uh, 0:18:31.800 --> 0:18:34.000 and then try to do the work, because yeah, you'll 0:18:34.040 --> 0:18:36.359 never fucking find like the I mean, sometimes you do 0:18:36.440 --> 0:18:39.919 sometimes that by the way, that totally happens to some people. 0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:42.280 It but it mainly happens to. 0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:46.359 People who are who are just really really physically attractive, 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:49.360 and that's not most people. So it's so it's probably 0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:54.879 not gonna happen to ninety nine point nine nine percent 0:18:54.920 --> 0:18:58.199 of the people, uh who are listening and or to 0:18:58.280 --> 0:18:58.840 me or to you. 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:03.520 But right right, Yeah, so you know, and I was saying, 0:19:03.560 --> 0:19:06.160 you know what, I actually fucked that, even no, I actually 0:19:06.200 --> 0:19:10.159 fuck that, even really hot people still I think have 0:19:10.280 --> 0:19:12.400 there's levels of acceptance to that. 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:15.440 Yeah, I actually I think I take that back. 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.800 I mm hmm. Well, you know, in regards to you 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:22.320 saying like, uh, you know, we can't ignore the value 0:19:22.359 --> 0:19:24.680 that it does have Let me let me just say, like, 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:29.200 right right there, that I know, I also know people 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:32.560 in my life that have met people online. They're married, 0:19:33.080 --> 0:19:34.760 and they couldn't be a better fit for each other. 0:19:34.880 --> 0:19:37.520 They're absolutely in love with each other. Their relationship is 0:19:37.600 --> 0:19:42.639 successful and successful for many years. So I'm not you know, 0:19:42.800 --> 0:19:46.600 by pointing out, you know, like a that there's a 0:19:46.680 --> 0:19:50.720 mindless algorithm working behind the scenes to help you find 0:19:50.800 --> 0:19:55.360 love and capitalism blah blah blah, that it somehow has 0:19:55.400 --> 0:19:58.479 no value. It does, it does work, it does have value. 0:19:58.840 --> 0:20:01.560 And I'm not saying that. You know, if I personally 0:20:01.560 --> 0:20:04.840 happen to find somebody online and it works out that 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:09.280 somehow our love is tainted by the hands of capitalism, right, 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:11.439 it is not. It's just two people in love, right, 0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:15.240 And I acknowledge that, you know this. This is like 0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:20.600 my big problem is that, you know, there's so many, many, 0:20:20.640 --> 0:20:24.919 many things in the system that I wholeheartedly disagree with 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:29.439 but nonetheless still participate in. Right, Like I might not 0:20:29.520 --> 0:20:34.520 agree with certain corporations supporting certain wars out there, you know, 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:38.359 and nonetheless I'm gonna end up giving them my money, 0:20:38.560 --> 0:20:43.360 you know, sure, And I have to, you know, there's 0:20:43.400 --> 0:20:48.040 no ethical consumption under capitalism, you know, like that whole thing. Sure, 0:20:48.160 --> 0:20:49.800 so I have to like pick and choose my battle. 0:20:50.680 --> 0:20:52.600 Sure, and I'm. 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:55.760 In the process of trying to determine is this where 0:20:55.760 --> 0:20:58.400 I draw my line with capitalism? Is this the one 0:20:58.440 --> 0:21:01.480 thing that I pick? Like, you know what, I'm willing 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:04.399 to support some world out there with my money, with 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:08.400 my sack, ballace, whatever, but through my participation in the system. 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:12.280 But love, that's one thing I'm gonna hold sacred and 0:21:12.520 --> 0:21:15.240 I'm going to remove myself from any participation in this 0:21:15.359 --> 0:21:20.480 online dating shit and whatever happens happens, you know, as look. 0:21:21.320 --> 0:21:23.800 Me, if that godhead you can finish, go ahead. 0:21:25.480 --> 0:21:28.040 You know. The way I look at it in life, 0:21:28.160 --> 0:21:31.080 like the best case scenario is you get to do 0:21:31.119 --> 0:21:33.679 the things that you want and be the person that 0:21:33.720 --> 0:21:37.280 you wanted to be, and at the end of the day, 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:39.680 when you're on your deskbed, you had somebody long for 0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:42.880 the ride. That's the best case scenario. Yeah, second best 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:45.159 case scenario. You know, you didn't get to do the 0:21:45.200 --> 0:21:47.480 things you wanted, you didn't become the person you wanted 0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:50.000 to become, but at least you have somebody long for 0:21:50.040 --> 0:21:54.320 the ride. The worst case scenario, you didn't do the 0:21:54.320 --> 0:21:56.920 things you wanted to do, you didn't become the person 0:21:56.960 --> 0:21:59.360 you wanted to become, and you had nobody w loong 0:21:59.400 --> 0:22:01.880 for the ride. I at least want to make sure 0:22:02.200 --> 0:22:05.520 at the end of my life, on my deathbed that 0:22:06.480 --> 0:22:08.520 I can say, you know, I had no one along 0:22:08.560 --> 0:22:12.359 for the ride, but at least I was genuine and 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:14.640 authentic and was myself and got to do the things 0:22:14.640 --> 0:22:17.359 that wanted right, you know what I'm saying? 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:19.440 Like I know, I know, I know exactly what you're saying. 0:22:22.240 --> 0:22:26.040 How old are you so you know it's like I'm 0:22:26.359 --> 0:22:26.920 thirty one? 0:22:27.800 --> 0:22:28.399 Okay? Cool? 0:22:28.560 --> 0:22:28.760 Cool? 0:22:28.800 --> 0:22:32.000 Do you feel like as as of your life so 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:34.159 far that you've gotten to do all those things and 0:22:34.240 --> 0:22:35.959 be the person that you've wanted to be and do 0:22:36.000 --> 0:22:36.960 the things you've wanted to do? 0:22:39.119 --> 0:22:42.359 Honestly? Man, Like that's tough. Like it's only even the 0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:45.159 past year of my life where I feel like I'm 0:22:45.240 --> 0:22:52.760 kind of like waking up to like like joy and 0:22:52.840 --> 0:22:56.159 happiness most of the time, you know, and and peace 0:22:56.200 --> 0:23:01.960 and human constent. There's a couple of things, big things 0:23:01.960 --> 0:23:06.359 that I really want to do for myself that you know, 0:23:06.359 --> 0:23:10.280 I haven't gotten to do yet. And yeah, so there's 0:23:10.720 --> 0:23:13.000 definitely things to let you know, left a cross off 0:23:13.000 --> 0:23:13.879 of my list for sure. 0:23:18.000 --> 0:23:19.960 You know what's interesting is that. 0:23:20.240 --> 0:23:21.760 And by the way, what I'm about to say is 0:23:21.840 --> 0:23:24.720 not about romance, but about people. 0:23:26.080 --> 0:23:27.040 Doing all the thing. 0:23:27.320 --> 0:23:29.639 It's tough, right because doing all the things that you 0:23:29.680 --> 0:23:31.720 want to do with no one along the ride along 0:23:33.080 --> 0:23:38.200 for the ride, it's a little all the ship depends 0:23:38.200 --> 0:23:40.399 on who you are, because there's all these motherfuckers. I 0:23:40.400 --> 0:23:42.320 don't I don't know how happy these people are, but 0:23:42.359 --> 0:23:44.359 there was all these people on Instagram that are. 0:23:44.240 --> 0:23:47.680 Like, I solo traveled for nine months through. 0:23:48.200 --> 0:23:51.520 All of Southeast Asia, all this stuff, and I'm like, 0:23:51.800 --> 0:23:54.159 I used to want to do I've done stuff like that, 0:23:54.280 --> 0:23:58.439 not for nine months, and I've lived life like that. 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:01.880 I've done lots of solo travel. I've done lots of 0:24:01.920 --> 0:24:07.119 like amazing, cool, great stuff, and I'm so happy I 0:24:07.160 --> 0:24:09.800 got to do it. But like the way I look 0:24:09.800 --> 0:24:11.399 at it now, it's just like, ah, like, having to 0:24:11.440 --> 0:24:15.960 do that all like alone, seems like tiresome at this age. 0:24:16.000 --> 0:24:20.399 And at this point, you know what I mean, And 0:24:20.520 --> 0:24:25.600 maybe that's say I don't know, I don't know what 0:24:25.680 --> 0:24:27.560 that is. What is the one of the things that 0:24:27.600 --> 0:24:29.520 you want to do that you said that you don't 0:24:29.560 --> 0:24:30.400 know if you have time. 0:24:30.240 --> 0:24:32.159 For or or not that you don't have. If you 0:24:32.200 --> 0:24:33.680 have time for that you haven't done yet. 0:24:35.920 --> 0:24:40.760 Honestly, Like the biggest thing right is for me to 0:24:40.920 --> 0:24:45.840 actually I want to be a behavioral therapist. And I 0:24:45.880 --> 0:24:51.640 went to college many many, many years ago, and you know, actually, 0:24:51.760 --> 0:24:54.320 in the pursuit of love, kind of gave that up 0:24:54.840 --> 0:24:58.919 and moved across the country, uh, you know, for you know, 0:24:59.000 --> 0:25:01.480 for my my girlfriend at the time. And you know, 0:25:01.680 --> 0:25:04.520 things don't work out, I try to, you know, get 0:25:04.520 --> 0:25:07.880 back to it. Things are gonna work out again, and 0:25:08.640 --> 0:25:10.600 you know, so that's like one thing I want to 0:25:10.640 --> 0:25:15.120 do is become a behavioral therapists, you know. And that's 0:25:15.119 --> 0:25:17.760 a that's a long world ahead, that's many many years 0:25:17.760 --> 0:25:22.200 of work, you know. And and the other thing I mean, 0:25:23.600 --> 0:25:27.040 you know, is I was actually thinking about like what 0:25:27.240 --> 0:25:31.560 is it that I ultimately want and and I thought 0:25:31.600 --> 0:25:36.280 to myself, like, you know, if I have a studio 0:25:36.320 --> 0:25:42.760 apartment in a relatively safe area, and I have my 0:25:43.240 --> 0:25:45.800 behavioral therapy, you know, I'm a behavioral therapist. I have 0:25:45.880 --> 0:25:49.359 my degree and I'm seeing a few clients. I have 0:25:49.400 --> 0:25:52.040 a ten year old Corolla. Then, and you know, I'm 0:25:52.080 --> 0:25:54.760 able to live and eat comfortably and not wake up 0:25:54.840 --> 0:25:57.560 to like, you know, three dollars and twenty three cents 0:25:57.560 --> 0:26:01.000 in my bank account. I'm like, you know, I'm going 0:26:01.040 --> 0:26:03.200 to be perfectly happy. I know I would be happy 0:26:03.240 --> 0:26:06.760 with that situation. I don't need, you know, I don't 0:26:06.840 --> 0:26:08.600 I know, I don't need the fastest car and the 0:26:08.640 --> 0:26:14.040 biggest house to be happy, right, But that kind of 0:26:14.720 --> 0:26:17.360 kind of goes into like the you know, and then 0:26:17.440 --> 0:26:21.679 and then I started thinking, Okay, I would be happy 0:26:21.720 --> 0:26:26.680 with that, but what if I had a partner? Would 0:26:26.720 --> 0:26:30.119 she be happy with that? And you know, is my 0:26:31.280 --> 0:26:35.840 lack of desire for things themming from the fact that 0:26:35.880 --> 0:26:39.480 I don't want to quote unquote participate in the capitalist 0:26:39.520 --> 0:26:45.199 machine and so detach myself from material desires. So is it? 0:26:45.680 --> 0:26:46.080 Uh huh? 0:26:46.840 --> 0:26:49.719 So if if you had a partner, right or like 0:26:49.760 --> 0:26:51.920 in your in your so you know, we talked about 0:26:51.920 --> 0:26:55.680 like love being acceptance, right, like if you could could 0:26:55.680 --> 0:26:58.119 you But like we talked about love love is acceptance. 0:26:58.160 --> 0:26:59.560 But it's good to have a few rules. 0:27:00.480 --> 0:27:00.600 Uh. 0:27:00.840 --> 0:27:03.080 Is that one of your rules that she she can, 0:27:03.280 --> 0:27:08.080 she has to join you in your rejection of capitalism. 0:27:08.200 --> 0:27:14.680 No, no, well, you know, I actually that's a really 0:27:14.720 --> 0:27:19.400 good question. So many people around me have drastically different views, 0:27:19.800 --> 0:27:23.359 you know, like my best friend, you know, drastically different 0:27:23.400 --> 0:27:28.000 views regarding religion, political ideology, economic ideology, et cetera. But 0:27:28.040 --> 0:27:29.920 when I think about like my partner, and I love 0:27:29.960 --> 0:27:32.119 all of them and I'm very close to them. But 0:27:32.160 --> 0:27:36.760 when I think about my partner not sharing this, I 0:27:36.800 --> 0:27:40.879 don't need my partner to think the same way exact 0:27:40.920 --> 0:27:44.639 way I do about social you know, Marxist socialism. But 0:27:46.840 --> 0:27:49.760 you know, yeah, that's that's tough. Yeah, I know, I don't. 0:27:50.600 --> 0:27:52.760 I don't want her to live exactly the way I do. 0:27:52.800 --> 0:27:56.240 If she wants to consume things and have the fastest car. Good, 0:27:56.320 --> 0:27:59.440 I just wouldn't want her to feel bad that I'm 0:27:59.440 --> 0:28:00.680 not that way, you know what I mean? 0:28:01.840 --> 0:28:01.919 Uh? 0:28:02.280 --> 0:28:02.560 Okay. 0:28:02.600 --> 0:28:06.600 So it's like she she well, that makes perfect sense, right. 0:28:06.680 --> 0:28:09.439 It's like she doesn't have to be this way, but 0:28:09.520 --> 0:28:11.960 she does have to accept that I am this way. 0:28:14.200 --> 0:28:18.400 Yeah. And even if she accepted it, right, I think 0:28:18.400 --> 0:28:21.120 to myself, like, oh God, I hope there's no resentment 0:28:21.160 --> 0:28:22.960 in her heart. And she doesn't think that I'm lacking 0:28:23.000 --> 0:28:26.119 ambition in me. You know, this guy is living in 0:28:26.119 --> 0:28:29.159 a studio, partner with a ten year old Corolla. I 0:28:29.200 --> 0:28:32.080 hope that's like somehow brew like resentment in her heart. 0:28:32.359 --> 0:28:32.560 You know. 0:28:33.119 --> 0:28:33.520 Yeah. 0:28:33.600 --> 0:28:35.879 I mean that's the fucking that's the fucking dance of it, 0:28:35.960 --> 0:28:37.639 you know, that's the that's the that's the that's the 0:28:37.760 --> 0:28:43.520 acceptance dance, you know, acceptance verse resentment versus. It's a 0:28:43.520 --> 0:28:47.680 big fucking dance. It's a big, ever evolving puzzle. 0:28:49.840 --> 0:28:52.800 And you know, it aside from like a potential future 0:28:52.880 --> 0:28:56.160 partner and how she might view my ambition or lack 0:28:56.440 --> 0:28:59.360 of right, it also made me think about like my 0:28:59.480 --> 0:29:01.280 family that I love and they love me so much 0:29:01.360 --> 0:29:03.600 and my whole Like how would they view me Like 0:29:04.520 --> 0:29:08.040 this guy he's like, you know, fifty five years old 0:29:08.520 --> 0:29:11.160 and he's still driving a shitty car. You know, like 0:29:11.560 --> 0:29:15.280 he's still like you know, just you know, just he's 0:29:15.280 --> 0:29:18.600 getting by. He's independent, but he's not like thriving. We 0:29:18.680 --> 0:29:22.680 thought he'd do so much, you know, And it was 0:29:22.720 --> 0:29:26.600 such a conflicting thought because but eventually I stopped thinking 0:29:26.600 --> 0:29:28.400 about it and I was like, you know what, this 0:29:28.520 --> 0:29:30.920 is not the way to go about this thought process. 0:29:31.320 --> 0:29:36.120 I have to decide in myself, like, am I okay 0:29:36.160 --> 0:29:36.880 with it? Right? 0:29:37.320 --> 0:29:37.600 Right? 0:29:39.440 --> 0:29:42.120 And I can't make up my mind about that. I 0:29:42.440 --> 0:29:45.640 can't figure out if my lack of ambition or lack 0:29:45.680 --> 0:29:49.400 of desire for material things is coming from some sort 0:29:49.400 --> 0:29:53.719 of like spiritual anti capitalist angle and you know, in 0:29:53.760 --> 0:29:56.640 my mind or but but but that I think that 0:29:56.680 --> 0:29:58.800 I'm not capable of accomplishing those things because you know, 0:29:59.120 --> 0:29:59.840 ooh oh. 0:30:00.160 --> 0:30:04.520 Oh, that's fascinating, that's fascinating. That's that's very that's that's 0:30:04.640 --> 0:30:08.600 kind of hilarious. Actually, that is kind of hilarious. It 0:30:08.720 --> 0:30:11.520 is kind of hilarious to be like to be like, like, 0:30:12.680 --> 0:30:16.800 you know, like you're you're picketing for fucking uh like whatever, 0:30:16.920 --> 0:30:19.960 You're You're like, I'm anti capitalists, you know, fuck the system, 0:30:20.280 --> 0:30:21.960 blah blah blah. And then in the back of your 0:30:21.960 --> 0:30:24.200 mind you're like, what if I'm only doing this because 0:30:24.280 --> 0:30:26.560 I think I would. 0:30:26.280 --> 0:30:32.040 Like sucking have a good job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 0:30:32.080 --> 0:30:32.720 That's interesting. 0:30:32.760 --> 0:30:39.160 That's extremely funny, and it's extremely funny, and it's quite 0:30:39.200 --> 0:30:42.120 possible that that might be the case that you just like, 0:30:42.280 --> 0:30:44.960 I mean, yeah, if you're like super anti capitalists and 0:30:44.960 --> 0:30:47.240 you're super not materialistic, it's like maybe you're just like 0:30:48.320 --> 0:30:50.160 I think I'm just like a little fucking I just 0:30:50.160 --> 0:30:54.760 don't want to work that hard. But you okay. But 0:30:54.800 --> 0:30:57.000 here's the thing from talking to you is that you're 0:30:57.120 --> 0:31:02.680 not like you're not like, oh, I just want to 0:31:02.720 --> 0:31:04.600 like jerk off all day and play video. 0:31:04.600 --> 0:31:05.720 I don't want to do anything. 0:31:05.800 --> 0:31:12.760 You're just like I don't wanna look heusing pretty much everyone, yeah, 0:31:13.000 --> 0:31:16.160 just wants to be able to I think it's a 0:31:16.320 --> 0:31:20.440 universal goal that everyone just wants to not have to 0:31:20.640 --> 0:31:24.920 worry about money. Everyone just wants to not have to 0:31:25.080 --> 0:31:30.760 worry about like their own survival and just like do 0:31:30.920 --> 0:31:33.760 whatever they want to fucking do. That's like, I think 0:31:33.800 --> 0:31:39.880 that's literally everyone, you know, from like hyper capitalists whatever 0:31:39.920 --> 0:31:43.520 the fuck people to hyper you know, anti capitalist people. 0:31:43.760 --> 0:31:45.680 Everyone is like that. So I don't think that's like 0:31:45.720 --> 0:31:47.880 a completely uncommon. 0:31:49.080 --> 0:31:51.320 Way to be. And you have like desires. 0:31:51.320 --> 0:31:53.720 You want to be a fucking behavioral therapist, you want 0:31:53.760 --> 0:31:56.080 to help people, you want to do stuff, but you 0:31:56.200 --> 0:31:59.400 just don't care about It's okay to not care about 0:31:59.440 --> 0:32:02.200 making that much money or like not care about having 0:32:02.240 --> 0:32:06.400 a nice car or not care about like how you 0:32:06.480 --> 0:32:10.920 present to other people in terms of your like material status. 0:32:11.240 --> 0:32:14.880 But like if you don't care about fucking anything, then yeah, 0:32:14.920 --> 0:32:18.440 you're gonna be depressed, you know, but you clearly care about. 0:32:18.280 --> 0:32:19.560 Yeah stuff. 0:32:22.040 --> 0:32:26.400 Definitely, And uh, you know, like I'm it sucks because 0:32:26.480 --> 0:32:31.280 like I am, like you know, surrounded by people who 0:32:31.320 --> 0:32:34.920 are doing really well, right, Like everybody you know is 0:32:34.960 --> 0:32:39.720 really successful, and everybody's like, uh, you know, well off, 0:32:40.200 --> 0:32:43.440 and uh, you know, it's it's a lot about like, 0:32:43.560 --> 0:32:46.560 you know, getting getting more comfortable with myself. I think, 0:32:46.600 --> 0:32:48.200 you know, like I said, you know, it's been only 0:32:48.200 --> 0:32:51.200 so recently that I'm you know, becoming more of a 0:32:51.240 --> 0:32:55.040 confident person more uh you know, a lot of like 0:32:55.120 --> 0:32:58.720 you know, you know, practicing a lot of self love 0:32:58.760 --> 0:32:59.520 and all that other. 0:32:59.480 --> 0:33:00.200 Well where's that? 0:33:00.520 --> 0:33:02.840 Where is all that coming? Where is all that coming from? 0:33:02.880 --> 0:33:06.280 That you feel like you're becoming a better, happier person. 0:33:11.120 --> 0:33:16.480 This time last year, I was actually uh ended up 0:33:17.320 --> 0:33:22.840 in a psyche ward right voluntarily, right a year ago, 0:33:23.680 --> 0:33:26.920 and you know, coming out of it, like it was 0:33:26.920 --> 0:33:28.560 a terrible experience in this cype where it was it 0:33:28.600 --> 0:33:32.880 was pretty awful, right and coming out of it. I 0:33:32.960 --> 0:33:39.280 just felt really empty, like completely empty. And my my 0:33:39.320 --> 0:33:41.440 mom and my sisters, they they needed a lot of 0:33:41.800 --> 0:33:46.400 financial help. And you know, I worked like a minimum 0:33:46.440 --> 0:33:50.920 a job and I was just like, you know, I 0:33:51.320 --> 0:33:53.040 don't think I can do anything in life right now, 0:33:53.080 --> 0:33:55.760 like zero things. I think the only thing I'm capable 0:33:55.760 --> 0:34:00.720 of doing is like just going to lay down somewhere 0:34:00.960 --> 0:34:02.280 and then never getting up again. 0:34:02.520 --> 0:34:02.720 Right. 0:34:04.680 --> 0:34:08.000 But the love that I have for my mom and 0:34:08.000 --> 0:34:10.960 my sisters who have been so kind, loving and supportive, 0:34:11.560 --> 0:34:14.840 I was like, no, Like, if there's one thing I 0:34:14.880 --> 0:34:16.799 gotta do is I got to make sure I can't. 0:34:16.800 --> 0:34:19.880 I gotta get this money to them. Right. So I 0:34:19.920 --> 0:34:21.520 was like, I'm just gonna do one thing. I'm just 0:34:21.560 --> 0:34:25.960 gonna do. I'm completely empty, I have no desire of anything. 0:34:26.560 --> 0:34:28.680 I'm just gonna do one thing. I'm just gonna go 0:34:28.719 --> 0:34:32.000 to work and do my fucking job and then give 0:34:32.040 --> 0:34:36.520 them money, right Yeah. And from and then from that, 0:34:37.920 --> 0:34:40.200 I felt like a sense of purpose and know I 0:34:40.239 --> 0:34:45.120 was like, Okay, I'm I'm contributing something. I'm producing something 0:34:45.200 --> 0:34:49.799 and then contributing something, I'm helping them. And then gradually 0:34:50.080 --> 0:34:52.200 I was like you know what, you know, I was 0:34:52.360 --> 0:34:55.400 I was like pretty pretty overweight and ended up losing 0:34:55.440 --> 0:34:58.480 like fifty pounds and this whole process, and I was like, 0:34:58.480 --> 0:35:00.480 you know what. One day, I was like, it's been 0:35:00.520 --> 0:35:02.520 a month and a half of me going to work 0:35:02.760 --> 0:35:06.839 consistently on time every day. Let me just try like 0:35:07.440 --> 0:35:12.360 working out, you know. Yeah, I started working out. And 0:35:12.400 --> 0:35:14.239 then a month and a half after that, I was like, 0:35:14.239 --> 0:35:16.479 you know what, I'm going to work and working out. 0:35:17.040 --> 0:35:18.480 Let me try and eat a little bit better. I 0:35:18.480 --> 0:35:20.520 don't have to eat like shit all the time, right, 0:35:21.600 --> 0:35:24.719 And then gradually, like I just kept adding one more 0:35:24.719 --> 0:35:26.040 thing and one more thing. I was like, one day, 0:35:26.040 --> 0:35:28.560 I was like, you know, let me start meditating, you know. 0:35:28.960 --> 0:35:33.080 And I started meditating and that helped profoundly. I was like, 0:35:33.120 --> 0:35:35.680 you know what, let me start meditating and journaling and 0:35:35.760 --> 0:35:39.200 on and on and on. So I like woke up 0:35:39.600 --> 0:35:43.080 and I was just like, holy shit, Like I feel 0:35:43.200 --> 0:35:46.040 very content, you know, I feel very at peace. 0:35:46.840 --> 0:35:49.799 Yeah, Like yeah, because you're doing stuff, You're not just 0:35:49.800 --> 0:35:53.520 like floating around in an endless ocean of of every 0:35:53.600 --> 0:35:55.000 of everything and nothing at once. 0:35:56.880 --> 0:36:01.799 Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And you know I think, uh, you know, 0:36:01.840 --> 0:36:04.120 like I don't I don't have like a you know, 0:36:04.160 --> 0:36:06.319 I don't have my own like room to sleep in, 0:36:06.360 --> 0:36:08.759 and shit, right, I've like spent like three hours at 0:36:08.800 --> 0:36:11.879 the house during the weekdays. Uh, you know, and that's 0:36:11.920 --> 0:36:14.719 just like come home after the working gym, shower and 0:36:14.760 --> 0:36:19.160 go right to sleep. And you know, it was it's 0:36:19.400 --> 0:36:22.200 you're being thirty one and not having any fucking privacy, right, 0:36:22.280 --> 0:36:27.839 It's rough, man. But you know I I one day 0:36:27.880 --> 0:36:30.319 I was just like feeling really down about it, you know, 0:36:30.600 --> 0:36:32.879 after you know, there's like two months, three months after 0:36:32.880 --> 0:36:35.880 the site where I was just like, holy shit, I'm broke. 0:36:36.920 --> 0:36:40.839 I'm like sleeping on on the floor in a living room. 0:36:41.120 --> 0:36:44.680 I don't have privacy. This fucking sucks, right. So I 0:36:44.680 --> 0:36:48.279 started meditating and I was like, you know what, every 0:36:48.280 --> 0:36:50.800 time I feel anxiety in my life, every time I 0:36:50.840 --> 0:36:55.080 feel like some pressure, I always try and distract myself 0:36:55.080 --> 0:36:57.560 from it. I'll always try to fucking run away. But 0:36:57.840 --> 0:37:00.960 I'm just gonna sit here for ten minutes it and 0:37:01.000 --> 0:37:02.759 I'm just gonna sit with this anxiety. I'm just gonna 0:37:02.800 --> 0:37:07.279 sit with this feeling of like I just fucking sucks, right. 0:37:07.760 --> 0:37:09.839 You know It's so funny though, you know, it's what's 0:37:09.840 --> 0:37:14.040 really funny about this is that it feels, is that 0:37:14.320 --> 0:37:17.680 sitting with that feeling for ten minutes feels like an eternity. 0:37:17.960 --> 0:37:21.160 And yet I have, like, I like escape, and yet 0:37:21.719 --> 0:37:27.000 every fucking time mode escaping that feeling by browsing Reddit 0:37:27.400 --> 0:37:30.960 for for an hour, it takes way more time. 0:37:31.440 --> 0:37:32.800 Isn't that insane? 0:37:34.680 --> 0:37:37.800 It is everything that you do to escape the feeling 0:37:37.960 --> 0:37:42.360 takes way more time than actually like addressing. 0:37:41.840 --> 0:37:46.880 Its addressing it right right? No, absolutely, And you know 0:37:48.040 --> 0:37:50.279 I mean that I've distracted myself in one hundred ways. 0:37:50.280 --> 0:37:53.360 Reddit is one, you know, just ah, fuck, I feel anxiety, 0:37:53.440 --> 0:37:56.319 let me just like, you know, smoke the weed real quick. Right. 0:37:56.360 --> 0:37:58.959 I'm not saying smoking weed is bad whatever. I smoke 0:37:59.000 --> 0:38:02.319 eat all the fucking time. But when you're feeling anxiety, 0:38:02.440 --> 0:38:05.160 in order to deal with it, like self medicating shit, right, 0:38:05.239 --> 0:38:07.360 that's another way to distract yourself from it. There's a 0:38:07.440 --> 0:38:09.640 hundred other ways. But you know, as I was like 0:38:10.160 --> 0:38:14.920 sitting there with that feeling, and you know, I just 0:38:14.960 --> 0:38:18.480 took some deep breaths, you know, five minutes later, I 0:38:18.560 --> 0:38:24.640 was like, whoa, I'm safe here, Like I'm safe here. 0:38:23.880 --> 0:38:27.640 And then in a living room with that room, yeah, 0:38:27.680 --> 0:38:30.279 in this house, I am safe. I was like, I 0:38:30.320 --> 0:38:33.840 have a place to sleep, Okay, I can get rest 0:38:33.880 --> 0:38:35.880 and I'm safe. And I was like, wait, I have 0:38:36.719 --> 0:38:40.719 love of like my mother and my sisters here right, 0:38:40.840 --> 0:38:45.399 and I like, damn near shutter tear. And I was like, yo, 0:38:45.600 --> 0:38:48.720 of course, Like that doesn't mean that I shouldn't strive 0:38:48.880 --> 0:38:51.759 for independence, as I desperately want to it and I'm 0:38:51.840 --> 0:38:54.960 working on it. But in that moment, right, just sitting 0:38:55.160 --> 0:38:58.960 that feeling, it did me wonders. And that's kind of 0:38:59.400 --> 0:39:02.719 like my thing on like h like, even with like 0:39:02.719 --> 0:39:07.200 the loneliness thing, right, every time that feeling comes up, 0:39:08.640 --> 0:39:10.399 I don't like, I don't try to like run away 0:39:10.400 --> 0:39:12.560 from like no, no, no, Like now, I know I got 0:39:12.560 --> 0:39:14.280 to sit with it, you know what I mean, because 0:39:14.719 --> 0:39:17.880 it has gifts to offer. It has so many gifts 0:39:17.880 --> 0:39:21.840 to offer. You know, as long as you're kind to yourself, 0:39:22.239 --> 0:39:26.040 you know, you treat yourself with love. These these feelings, 0:39:26.120 --> 0:39:28.480 you know, they have so many gifts to offer, the 0:39:28.520 --> 0:39:32.720 gifts of patience, the gifts of understanding, you know, the 0:39:32.800 --> 0:39:33.880 gifts of feeling content. 0:39:35.600 --> 0:39:35.799 Yeah. 0:39:35.840 --> 0:39:39.680 So I think that's like ultimately what like spark the. 0:39:41.560 --> 0:39:45.000 Awakening, you know, you know, you know, you know, Mo, 0:39:45.200 --> 0:39:47.919 You're You're really I I just everything we've been talking 0:39:47.960 --> 0:39:51.000 about over the past forty minutes. I really I'm really 0:39:51.040 --> 0:39:52.879 with you on you know. We It's just the thing 0:39:53.080 --> 0:39:58.880 is like there's we like we need I think, and 0:39:58.920 --> 0:40:01.040 I'm not going to put this in like political science terms. 0:40:01.080 --> 0:40:01.920 I'll put this in like. 0:40:02.040 --> 0:40:05.040 Uh, maybe I'll maybe I'll put this in like self 0:40:05.080 --> 0:40:07.920 love terms. In a sense, it's like I'm like, I 0:40:07.920 --> 0:40:12.200 don't know the exact numbers, but I think the right 0:40:12.520 --> 0:40:14.520 there's it's like a yin and yang. And I talked 0:40:14.520 --> 0:40:17.520 about this a little bit on a couple episodes. Is 0:40:17.560 --> 0:40:22.279 like I think, like for my I'll use this just 0:40:22.280 --> 0:40:24.000 as an example, and but this is like kind of 0:40:24.000 --> 0:40:27.560 a microcosm for a larger concept of like, uh, you know, 0:40:27.719 --> 0:40:33.200 I accept my body as it is, uh, and I 0:40:33.280 --> 0:40:37.040 and I you know, I love myself and you know, 0:40:37.120 --> 0:40:41.640 I accept myself and whatnot. But also yeah, but you know, 0:40:41.680 --> 0:40:43.719 also I shouldn't be such a fat piece of shit 0:40:43.840 --> 0:40:45.200 all the time, you know what I mean. 0:40:45.680 --> 0:40:49.280 Like, there's those two those two ideas. 0:40:49.920 --> 0:40:53.600 I really just believe so deeply that they can coexist 0:40:54.040 --> 0:40:56.680 because if you only believe, because if you if you're 0:40:56.719 --> 0:40:59.880 too hard on, like if I went too hard on 0:40:59.880 --> 0:41:03.799 like accepting myself exactly as I am, I would be 0:41:03.920 --> 0:41:07.160 fucking miserable. I would be depressed. I would never get 0:41:07.160 --> 0:41:11.040 out of my bed. I would be eating from the 0:41:11.120 --> 0:41:15.759 seven to eleven ten thousand calories of candy every single day. 0:41:15.760 --> 0:41:18.480 It would be miserb If that, like, that's full acceptance 0:41:18.560 --> 0:41:22.920 right there, that's a hundred percent acceptance. I think, do 0:41:22.960 --> 0:41:27.000 you need like fifty percent acceptance and then fifty percent 0:41:27.320 --> 0:41:30.520 I'm gonna not be I'm gonna not eat candy and 0:41:30.640 --> 0:41:31.279 stop being a. 0:41:31.200 --> 0:41:31.839 Fat piece of shit. 0:41:32.040 --> 0:41:34.240 But if you're if you're if I'm one hundred percent, 0:41:34.320 --> 0:41:37.120 like I'm a piece of shit, I suck, I'm you know, 0:41:38.000 --> 0:41:42.000 I'm fat and asia if then that you're just anxious 0:41:42.120 --> 0:41:45.359 and miserable all the time, you know, So you need 0:41:46.200 --> 0:41:48.000 That's why we need. We need like I don't know 0:41:48.040 --> 0:41:49.240 what it is? 0:41:48.960 --> 0:41:54.239 What is there? What's between capitalism and socialism? We need that? Like, 0:41:54.280 --> 0:41:55.640 what's something we need that? 0:41:55.719 --> 0:41:59.520 We need those two things combined divided by two because 0:41:59.600 --> 0:42:03.760 I really have been because here's another thing. Here's here's 0:42:03.800 --> 0:42:09.000 two more idea, here's two conflicting ideas. Is I've really 0:42:09.440 --> 0:42:15.120 genuinely intrinsically have sincerely been enjoying having this conversation with 0:42:15.160 --> 0:42:20.239 you about you know, capitalism and uh uh you know. 0:42:20.239 --> 0:42:22.240 Acceptance and let and all these things. 0:42:22.600 --> 0:42:26.399 And I'm also totally gonna put an ad break afterwards 0:42:26.560 --> 0:42:28.880 so that I can make money. I'm going to do 0:42:28.960 --> 0:42:31.560 both of those things. 0:42:33.760 --> 0:42:35.319 Can we get how do. 0:42:35.320 --> 0:42:40.120 We combine these two things? There's something There's gotta be 0:42:40.160 --> 0:42:43.320 something in the middle that is the perfect Yin and 0:42:43.400 --> 0:42:45.839 yang way to live because you know, because right because 0:42:45.840 --> 0:42:49.040 if it's all because we don't want like like like 0:42:49.120 --> 0:42:51.640 a billion dollars is too much money, you know we're 0:42:51.640 --> 0:42:52.040 gonna get. 0:42:52.280 --> 0:42:53.359 I don't know what we're getting into. 0:42:53.440 --> 0:42:56.600 But like yeah, well, well, you know, in regards to 0:42:56.719 --> 0:43:02.440 like you saying, you know, I accept myself completely, I 0:43:02.480 --> 0:43:08.960 love myself completely, right, and you know, there's I think 0:43:09.000 --> 0:43:11.719 there's like this whole thing going on in society right now, 0:43:11.760 --> 0:43:16.040 and it's like stemming from these like upscale yoga studios 0:43:16.040 --> 0:43:18.480 where people are like chilling over their crystals a lot, 0:43:18.600 --> 0:43:26.520 and they're they're turning these like profound truths right on 0:43:26.680 --> 0:43:32.080 how to be into something like really like overused in cliche. 0:43:33.200 --> 0:43:36.760 You know, like this whole idea of like I love myself. 0:43:36.400 --> 0:43:41.520 Completely, right, there's just so much of like spirituality and 0:43:41.760 --> 0:43:47.600 psychology that's turning into like pop spirituality psychology, right. 0:43:48.320 --> 0:43:51.520 And the way a lot of these like I don't know, 0:43:51.680 --> 0:43:54.640 what do you want to call like influencers or you know, 0:43:54.680 --> 0:43:59.200 self proclaimed yoga gurus, right, the way that they promote 0:43:59.200 --> 0:44:01.680 these things the same exact thing you said, I love 0:44:01.719 --> 0:44:07.759 myself fully. It's coupled with this like sense of there's 0:44:07.800 --> 0:44:12.400 no like they don't take the responsibility to like break 0:44:12.400 --> 0:44:15.520 that down a little bit further. They just promoted as that, right, 0:44:16.800 --> 0:44:19.120 And it's I don't know, it's like kind of like 0:44:19.120 --> 0:44:22.600 coupled with like a sense of consumption, and there's somewhere 0:44:22.640 --> 0:44:26.759 it's kind of like attached to that, you know. And 0:44:26.520 --> 0:44:28.440 and and I think that that's like the problem like 0:44:28.840 --> 0:44:34.240 these when these just simple truths about life that everybody 0:44:34.280 --> 0:44:36.759 pretty much knows, when they start to become cliche. It's 0:44:36.800 --> 0:44:38.560 just like, you know, because I heard a lot of 0:44:38.600 --> 0:44:41.239 this shit when I was like trying to I don't know, 0:44:41.280 --> 0:44:43.719 you want to call it better myself, right, Like when 0:44:43.760 --> 0:44:47.000 I heard first heard the word mindfulness, I kind of 0:44:47.040 --> 0:44:49.360 like laughed at that idea. Right, I'm like, yo, what 0:44:49.520 --> 0:44:54.560 is this like you know, yoga studio bullshit? You know, yeah, 0:44:54.600 --> 0:44:58.360 because I associate that completely with like people like rubbing 0:44:58.440 --> 0:45:01.680 on crystals, talking about like hippy dippy ship. But when 0:45:01.680 --> 0:45:04.239 I looked into mindfulness, when I like read about it, 0:45:04.280 --> 0:45:06.480 when I you know, when I read books from like 0:45:06.520 --> 0:45:09.440 Don Miguel Reeve's Junior and donal Miguil Reeves, like I 0:45:09.480 --> 0:45:13.440 was like, Oh, this is actually genuinely profound, This is 0:45:13.480 --> 0:45:17.239 actually genuinely helpful. You know. I think a lot of 0:45:17.239 --> 0:45:22.960 these things become so cliche, you know, they have a 0:45:23.000 --> 0:45:27.000 sense of like pop culture attached to them, and I 0:45:27.000 --> 0:45:28.280 think that's the problem. 0:45:29.440 --> 0:45:32.719 Yeah, I well, yeah, I agree with that too. I 0:45:32.760 --> 0:45:36.360 don't like, I don't. 0:45:36.880 --> 0:45:40.960 I also don't like the kind of like overly flowery 0:45:41.239 --> 0:45:46.239 presentation of mindfulness and self love because it's it makes it, 0:45:46.920 --> 0:45:50.120 you know, it's like it's. 0:45:49.960 --> 0:45:53.960 Like putting too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know 0:45:53.960 --> 0:45:54.319 what I mean. 0:45:54.320 --> 0:45:58.600 It's just yeah, it's but it's it's it's it's helpful 0:45:58.600 --> 0:46:01.239 stuff when you're actually get into it. 0:46:01.600 --> 0:46:01.799 Yeah. 0:46:01.840 --> 0:46:05.560 I don't know, man, I everything you're saying makes a 0:46:05.680 --> 0:46:08.319 lot of sense. Everything you're saying makes a lot of sense. 0:46:08.400 --> 0:46:10.640 I'm trying to remind myself of a lot of these 0:46:12.040 --> 0:46:18.799 concepts as well as I have my own personal existential crisises. 0:46:19.640 --> 0:46:19.840 You know. 0:46:20.760 --> 0:46:24.960 You know you said you feel two collars ago. I 0:46:25.000 --> 0:46:27.759 believe it was I would like listening in and out, 0:46:27.840 --> 0:46:30.399 you know, but one of the things you had said 0:46:30.520 --> 0:46:34.240 was like you feel uh directionless? 0:46:34.320 --> 0:46:37.200 Right, Yeah, I do often feel directionless. 0:46:37.239 --> 0:46:41.400 Sure, I would just I mean, if you feel comfortable, 0:46:41.480 --> 0:46:44.720 I mean, you know, like expanding on that, like sharing 0:46:44.719 --> 0:46:47.160 a bit about it. If you don't, that's completely fine, 0:46:47.200 --> 0:46:49.080 you know, sure. 0:46:48.880 --> 0:46:55.480 I mean, yeah, fuck it, Sure, I mean, well, I 0:46:55.480 --> 0:47:01.800 I like doing this podcast, you know, especially when I 0:47:01.800 --> 0:47:03.520 get to have conversations like. 0:47:03.440 --> 0:47:04.479 These that I really enjoy. 0:47:06.200 --> 0:47:09.160 Right, But you know, I'm and you know also like 0:47:09.520 --> 0:47:13.000 I'm engaged right now, I'm like actually doing something in 0:47:13.040 --> 0:47:17.080 this very moment talking to you. But like a lot 0:47:17.120 --> 0:47:19.160 of the time, I feel I kind of let myself 0:47:19.200 --> 0:47:19.759 go a little bit. 0:47:19.800 --> 0:47:20.520 I feel a little. 0:47:20.400 --> 0:47:24.319 Unengaged, and I'm like, uh, you know, what should I 0:47:24.440 --> 0:47:27.840 do to Like, I'm just trying to figure out like 0:47:27.880 --> 0:47:29.880 what to do next, Like I think I always with 0:47:29.920 --> 0:47:31.640 the Gecko thing, I was always like, well, what should 0:47:31.640 --> 0:47:33.680 I do next with this? Like, because this is gonna 0:47:33.680 --> 0:47:36.600 be like a you know, I guess the thing that 0:47:36.640 --> 0:47:39.000 I can do something else with And right now where 0:47:39.040 --> 0:47:40.120 I'm doing is I'm just like. 0:47:41.920 --> 0:47:43.399 I've decided that. 0:47:45.320 --> 0:47:49.400 Sitting and trying to think about the direction that you 0:47:49.440 --> 0:47:51.840 want your life to go in next is a little 0:47:51.840 --> 0:47:56.880 stupid because your life doesn't move forward. Oh fuck, I 0:47:57.000 --> 0:47:59.680 just knock something over on the table. Your life doesn't 0:47:59.680 --> 0:48:02.160 move for your life doesn't move forward as a result 0:48:02.239 --> 0:48:06.920 of you like thinking, like I mean, you think a 0:48:06.920 --> 0:48:09.400 little bit, right, it's another yin yang thing, but like 0:48:10.120 --> 0:48:11.360 you know, you think. 0:48:11.160 --> 0:48:13.640 Too much, you go into a spiral. 0:48:14.000 --> 0:48:15.920 And so I'm just like, you know what, I'm just 0:48:16.040 --> 0:48:18.839 gonna do things that I think are cool. Like I'm 0:48:18.960 --> 0:48:21.880 I think by the time this episode airs, I'll be 0:48:22.080 --> 0:48:27.840 walking through rural Japan with my boy Jason. I'm gonna 0:48:27.880 --> 0:48:31.200 I'm doing an art gallery. I think that'll be cool. 0:48:32.320 --> 0:48:36.160 So I'm just like, I'm just I'm in a let 0:48:36.160 --> 0:48:39.840 me try shit, because you know, I built this audience 0:48:39.880 --> 0:48:42.160 with this podcast and it's cool, and I'm like, well, 0:48:42.200 --> 0:48:45.520 what else can I do? You know that would just 0:48:45.560 --> 0:48:48.200 be fun or cool or interesting or exciting, because uh, 0:48:48.680 --> 0:48:51.239 you know, I don't want to be stuck in the same. 0:48:53.080 --> 0:48:55.000 Routine over like I. 0:48:54.960 --> 0:48:56.799 Don't like And I'm also just I'm like, man, I'm 0:48:56.800 --> 0:49:00.640 gonna be as I'm getting older, I'm realizing that all 0:49:00.680 --> 0:49:03.000 the ages I thought I would never be, I'm going 0:49:03.040 --> 0:49:05.520 to be like, like, if you told me at nineteen 0:49:06.080 --> 0:49:07.759 that one day I would be twenty seven, I just. 0:49:07.760 --> 0:49:09.560 Wouldn't believe you. And now I am that. 0:49:10.239 --> 0:49:13.200 And so now I'm having this existential crisis where I'm like, oh, no, 0:49:13.320 --> 0:49:16.319 one day I'm going to be fifty six years old, 0:49:16.480 --> 0:49:18.279 What the hell is my life gonna look like? Am 0:49:18.320 --> 0:49:21.280 I gonna be wearing this gecko suit when I'm fifty 0:49:21.320 --> 0:49:24.280 six years old? You know people do that, like people 0:49:24.320 --> 0:49:28.520 like musicians or whatever, like you know people, you know, 0:49:28.640 --> 0:49:30.080 I'm just like, what the hell is my life going 0:49:30.160 --> 0:49:34.800 to look like? So I just gotta keep trying new, 0:49:35.239 --> 0:49:38.880 different things that I think maybe could be cool or 0:49:38.880 --> 0:49:44.680 interesting to try to find a new path for it. 0:49:44.680 --> 0:49:45.279 Because I've tried to. 0:49:45.320 --> 0:49:50.280 I've like thought of I've like, I've like journaled endlessly 0:49:50.440 --> 0:49:54.520 about what I might wanna do with myself. But it's 0:49:54.640 --> 0:49:57.080 just kind of and especially like with the you know, like, 0:49:57.280 --> 0:50:00.680 how do I, you know, do more things in person 0:50:00.719 --> 0:50:03.960 that I think would be cool, because you know, I 0:50:03.960 --> 0:50:06.440 really feel like I enjoy being out in the real 0:50:07.000 --> 0:50:09.040 world more than I do in the uh in the 0:50:09.040 --> 0:50:11.799 computer world, and so I'm just. 0:50:11.800 --> 0:50:13.000 Trying to figure out how to do that stuff. 0:50:13.000 --> 0:50:15.520 And I've and I've and again you fall into the 0:50:15.560 --> 0:50:17.440 trap of like, oh, I'm gonna journal until I come 0:50:17.520 --> 0:50:19.920 up with the perfect idea of something to do. And 0:50:20.239 --> 0:50:22.239 I don't think I think that's a bad strategy. So 0:50:22.280 --> 0:50:25.279 I'm just kind of like, okay, let me my My 0:50:25.400 --> 0:50:29.640 ultimate anecdote to my directionlessness has been okay, let me 0:50:29.719 --> 0:50:33.440 just start like doing things that could potentially be interesting. 0:50:33.800 --> 0:50:35.560 And then now again, you know, on my we. 0:50:35.520 --> 0:50:37.520 Talked about the deathbed, and I'm like, look, when I'm 0:50:37.560 --> 0:50:41.800 on my deathbed, I'm not going to regret having tried 0:50:41.960 --> 0:50:45.160 these various things that might be cool or interesting to do. 0:50:46.840 --> 0:50:48.400 See that's my that's my little spiel. 0:50:50.000 --> 0:50:52.000 You know, there's two things you said. I think like 0:50:52.520 --> 0:50:56.239 you like nailed on the head right, Like one thing, 0:50:56.280 --> 0:50:57.880 I mean, I'll just coum it up with like you 0:50:57.920 --> 0:51:02.080 know you said, uh pretty much. You know, uh, it's 0:51:02.080 --> 0:51:07.120 not that motivation comes first and then you take action. 0:51:07.320 --> 0:51:11.880 Right now, you you take action first, and then motivation 0:51:11.960 --> 0:51:16.120 eventually comes, you know, yeah, yeah, you gotta do shit, right. 0:51:17.239 --> 0:51:18.840 And the second thing you said is like, you know 0:51:18.880 --> 0:51:21.000 you're journaling, journaling, journaling, kind of come up with the 0:51:21.040 --> 0:51:26.120 perfect thing that that that's like a huge, you know, hurdle. Actually, 0:51:26.480 --> 0:51:29.400 it's good to journal, it's great to journal, uh, but 0:51:29.640 --> 0:51:33.400 like to think of like what is the optimal the 0:51:33.560 --> 0:51:37.439 number one option in my life right now? The perfect option? Right, 0:51:38.120 --> 0:51:40.080 I'm gonna wait until I come up with that and 0:51:40.120 --> 0:51:43.520 then do that. Right, That's exactly That is a massive hurdle. 0:51:43.920 --> 0:51:47.040 It's exactly what I've been doing for years. It's it's yeah, 0:51:47.080 --> 0:51:52.280 it's a massive hurdle. It's almost akin to like idealization 0:51:52.560 --> 0:51:55.920 versus acceptance, right. 0:51:55.920 --> 0:52:00.880 Right, right, yeah, yes, yes, absolutely, absolutely, yeah, you know, 0:52:01.440 --> 0:52:05.240 and you know they're just like this is one song 0:52:05.320 --> 0:52:09.120 I listened to almost every single day, right, and there's 0:52:09.400 --> 0:52:12.840 a line in it that I absolutely love. That helps 0:52:12.880 --> 0:52:15.680 me out a lot, because you know, like I don't know, 0:52:15.880 --> 0:52:19.839 like I'm working this job right now, that's like feels 0:52:20.719 --> 0:52:23.840 I know it's not meaningless, and I definitely know that 0:52:23.920 --> 0:52:27.279 deep down that it's not meaningless, right, But at times 0:52:27.320 --> 0:52:29.759 when it does start to feel feel meaningless, right, I 0:52:29.760 --> 0:52:32.640 always keep this like line in my mind, you know, 0:52:32.680 --> 0:52:37.840 which is I got it translated from a different language 0:52:37.840 --> 0:52:41.160 to English, which I think it would translate to. I 0:52:41.640 --> 0:52:44.440 put two paper wings on my heart and watch it 0:52:44.480 --> 0:52:48.279 float away where I thought it would go. It didn't. 0:52:48.600 --> 0:52:53.960 My heart might be directionless, but it's not distracted, and 0:52:54.880 --> 0:52:55.440 that helps me. 0:52:59.400 --> 0:53:04.480 But it's not distract I'm putting that on a I'm 0:53:04.520 --> 0:53:09.200 getting that branded on my ass, yo. 0:53:09.360 --> 0:53:12.120 You know, And I've heard you know, I've seen a 0:53:12.120 --> 0:53:15.439 lot of your clips, so much of that shit is hilarious, right, 0:53:15.880 --> 0:53:18.120 But I've seen also seen the stuff like you're interview 0:53:18.200 --> 0:53:22.239 with logic. I saw all of that, right, And you know, 0:53:22.360 --> 0:53:25.719 I mean, I don't know you personally. You know, you 0:53:25.800 --> 0:53:28.799 seem like a person with a good heart. If I 0:53:28.880 --> 0:53:31.239 was to take a wild fucking guess, but who knows, 0:53:31.239 --> 0:53:33.520 you might be just a dude dressed up as a 0:53:33.560 --> 0:53:35.600 get go with green kite on his face, murdering people 0:53:35.640 --> 0:53:40.000 in a basement already. But as far as I can tell, 0:53:40.080 --> 0:53:42.719 right like, you seem like a pretty a person with 0:53:42.760 --> 0:53:45.560 a good heart, right, with good intentions. You know that 0:53:45.760 --> 0:53:47.960 alone you, I think, is like you should take a 0:53:47.960 --> 0:53:51.680 little bit of comfort in that. Right, it's gonna, it's gonna, 0:53:51.840 --> 0:53:53.960 it's gonna take you right right. 0:53:54.480 --> 0:53:55.439 I appreciate that. 0:53:55.680 --> 0:53:59.160 I'm gonna. I'm trying my best. Man, I'm trying my best. 0:53:59.520 --> 0:54:00.680 Oh man, yeah. 0:54:00.480 --> 0:54:00.879 I'm trying. 0:54:00.880 --> 0:54:04.719 I'm trying my best to be Uh, I don't know, 0:54:05.000 --> 0:54:10.359 I guess my well, my main motivations lately have just 0:54:10.400 --> 0:54:16.640 been like to you know again, escape from despair. Yeah, 0:54:16.920 --> 0:54:21.600 this has been my main motivation. You know sometimes I 0:54:21.600 --> 0:54:23.840 think sometimes I think, you know, as funny as I think. 0:54:23.880 --> 0:54:30.160 Yeah, go ahead, go ahead? No, no, yeah, I forget 0:54:30.239 --> 0:54:31.680 what what what? What? What were you going to say? 0:54:31.680 --> 0:54:34.640 And then you know, I I have to I have 0:54:34.719 --> 0:54:37.640 to end this call sort of soon because I think 0:54:39.400 --> 0:54:45.400 you've tricked me into being vulnerable. No not actually not 0:54:45.440 --> 0:54:47.760 actually well, I mean a little bit actually, but it's okay, 0:54:47.840 --> 0:54:49.279 it's it's okay, I accept it. 0:54:49.640 --> 0:54:50.919 What were you going to say this call? 0:54:51.160 --> 0:54:54.320 I know you're you're in Japan right now, right, I 0:54:54.360 --> 0:54:55.840 don't want to take up too much of your time. 0:54:56.239 --> 0:54:59.840 But have you heard of the movie called Perfect Days? 0:55:01.080 --> 0:55:03.759 Perfect Days? Oh? That's uh, yeah, I have heard of 0:55:03.760 --> 0:55:07.560 that movie. I never watched it, though, I. 0:55:07.320 --> 0:55:09.719 Think you might get something out of it if you 0:55:09.800 --> 0:55:12.759 have the time to check it out. I think the 0:55:12.840 --> 0:55:15.960 based on all the conversations that we just had right now, 0:55:16.560 --> 0:55:18.960 if you get the time to check it out, and 0:55:19.000 --> 0:55:20.640 I think it'd be super special while you check it 0:55:20.640 --> 0:55:23.160 out in Japan as a Japanese Willee, you know, mm. 0:55:23.120 --> 0:55:27.360 Hmm okay, cool, maybe I'll watch it, might enjoy Yeah, yeah, 0:55:27.520 --> 0:55:28.239 okay maybe, oh. 0:55:28.320 --> 0:55:33.080 Yeah, definitely. Well thanks, man, I really appreciate you talking 0:55:33.120 --> 0:55:36.880 to me. I really appreciate you, you know, balancing ideas 0:55:36.880 --> 0:55:39.759 off and such. This is actually this felts great. Like 0:55:40.600 --> 0:55:43.080 I was sitting here and I was just about to meditate, 0:55:43.200 --> 0:55:45.440 but I was like, you know what, let me see 0:55:45.920 --> 0:55:50.480 if Lyle happens to cover. So this really put us 0:55:50.520 --> 0:55:52.880 bile on my face. Man, I feel I feel really happy, 0:55:52.960 --> 0:55:54.479 you know. Thank you so much. 0:55:55.080 --> 0:55:55.520 Thank you, Mo. 0:55:55.680 --> 0:55:58.880 I appreciate it, sincerely, very very good talking to you. 0:55:58.880 --> 0:56:03.520 This feel I feel like today today the the Therapy 0:56:03.640 --> 0:56:05.120 Gecko was was therapy. 0:56:05.360 --> 0:56:06.040 This is the. 0:56:05.880 --> 0:56:11.360 Therapy mode episode you Therapy geckoed the Therapy Gecko today, 0:56:11.480 --> 0:56:12.799 So thank you, thank you for that. 0:56:14.560 --> 0:56:17.080 When I when I when I officially become a therapist, 0:56:17.360 --> 0:56:18.800 I'll see you as my first client. 0:56:18.840 --> 0:56:23.880 Man, that would be uh. That sounds like a conflict 0:56:23.880 --> 0:56:28.040 of interest, but I'm down. I'm game, all right. 0:56:28.080 --> 0:56:30.120 Man, you have a good time in Japan, you know. 0:56:30.360 --> 0:56:31.879 Thank you. I hope you go do your thing. 0:56:31.920 --> 0:56:34.520 Man, take it easy, thank you, thank you. Take it easy. 0:56:34.800 --> 0:56:43.520 Later on, Man, that was a nice phone call. I 0:56:43.560 --> 0:56:45.560 really enjoyed talking to Mo. 0:56:47.360 --> 0:56:49.839 It it's you know, it's interesting. I went again. 0:56:49.880 --> 0:56:55.520 I went on a rant uh last episode about talking 0:56:55.520 --> 0:56:58.480 about your problems, not really solving them, but it helps you. 0:56:58.520 --> 0:57:00.080 It does help you think, like I mean again, and 0:57:00.120 --> 0:57:02.720 it's a yin yang fucking thing. There's like fifty percent 0:57:02.800 --> 0:57:04.680 thinking and fifty percent. I don't know what the exact 0:57:04.760 --> 0:57:11.200 ratios are, but it's some math equation that's part thinking 0:57:11.239 --> 0:57:14.640 and part taking actual action. And I think if you're 0:57:15.120 --> 0:57:18.000 and I'm definitely a neurotic person, I'm definitely an overthinker, 0:57:18.080 --> 0:57:20.720 and so I think, I h I think I think 0:57:20.760 --> 0:57:23.200 too much. Is a spiral of thinking. But it is 0:57:23.280 --> 0:57:25.720 good to kind of have a conversation like that that 0:57:25.760 --> 0:57:28.600 gets you with another person. 0:57:29.520 --> 0:57:29.760 You know. 0:57:29.960 --> 0:57:34.320 MO definitely described a lot of things that I have 0:57:34.440 --> 0:57:36.800 cooking in my brain as well. And it's nice when 0:57:36.800 --> 0:57:39.640 you get to talk to somebody like that because it 0:57:39.640 --> 0:57:43.120 makes you feel like you're not crazy, you know, for 0:57:43.320 --> 0:57:44.280 having you. 0:57:44.280 --> 0:57:45.560 You're actually you. 0:57:46.160 --> 0:57:49.960 What you may think is some kind of unique human 0:57:50.000 --> 0:57:55.280 experience has actually been fucking observed and recorded by other 0:57:55.440 --> 0:58:02.760 people who are not you, which is comforting sense. So yeah, 0:58:02.800 --> 0:58:09.120 I appreciate uh MO for calling in, and do I 0:58:09.160 --> 0:58:12.560 have anything else to say? I hope that conversation was beneficial 0:58:12.640 --> 0:58:15.800 for the people of the computer to listen to. And 0:58:17.120 --> 0:58:22.280 I'm a gecko and thank you guys for listening. Goes 0:58:22.320 --> 0:58:26.280 on the line, taking your phone calls every night, demand 0:58:26.400 --> 0:58:27.439 goes to ride. 0:58:27.520 --> 0:58:30.080 He's teaching you a loud in the memorial line, but 0:58:30.320 --> 0:58:32.240 he's not really an expert.