Speaker 1: The Nicker. Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to
Speaker 1: the Nicki Glazer Podcast. It's Tuesday. It feels like Sunday.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it feels like if you cannot
Speaker 1: believe it's Tuesday. Times been weird lately. I don't know why.
Speaker 1: Really for you too, Yeah, I don't maybe moving in
Speaker 1: Oh Macron, I don't know. God, I slept. I was
Speaker 1: supposed to get up at eight today or it's like
Speaker 1: seven thirty. I think my arm was four and I
Speaker 1: slept till. What were you going to do? With so
Speaker 1: much to do? You know? It's like I I have
Speaker 1: honestly so many things that now I can't do today
Speaker 1: because I have to go get botox and micro needling
Speaker 1: and potential filler. I'm just like, I'm almost oppressed at
Speaker 1: the idea of getting all this stuff done today. But
Speaker 1: it's like, you need to do it because my face
Speaker 1: is old and I'm about to be on TV like
Speaker 1: a lot. It's so insane. And I was watching The
Speaker 1: Bachelor Atte last night. These twenty something. First of all,
Speaker 1: they've aged up on the Bachelor Atte. Everyone's I think
Speaker 1: the median age, which I could also say average because
Speaker 1: those two things mean nothing different to me. I know
Speaker 1: median is if like, if you list them all out,
Speaker 1: it's like the middle one. I think that does that
Speaker 1: mean you the mean equals average, So you meant to
Speaker 1: say mean, well, I just said media. I bet it
Speaker 1: would be the same. Sometimes they are the same. Sometimes
Speaker 1: they're different, which is wild. What do you have in
Speaker 1: the middle, Yes, well there's definitely not ninety sevens in
Speaker 1: the middle of that of ages. Um. I just kept pushing,
Speaker 1: putting my own face, like like if I got out
Speaker 1: of the car, how different I would look? What I
Speaker 1: look like? The old Because at one point an old
Speaker 1: woman gets out of the car and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's the old woman. She was the driver, she was
Speaker 1: she was for the Next Bachelor at they're doing like
Speaker 1: the senior edition. She was going to need a ramp,
Speaker 1: there's no steps over a wheelchair. I just love like
Speaker 1: going really old, Like we're going to do the senior Edition,
Speaker 1: and I mean, what is the senior edition something? Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's really You think they would call it the senior
Speaker 1: edition if it was just people in their forties, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that would be that would be funny if they called
Speaker 1: it that. But they're not funny. Oh yeah, that's true,
Speaker 1: but so several. Do you think senior can sometimes mean
Speaker 1: people in their forties, like a senior citizen can mean
Speaker 1: someone in their forties unless you're being funny back in
Speaker 1: the day, what one day you know? Today we all
Speaker 1: know it. But all these girls that are seven mean
Speaker 1: mean age of twenty eight, by the way, is what
Speaker 1: I meant to say, which is so different than it
Speaker 1: used to be. By the way, they used to have
Speaker 1: eighteen year olds on The Bachelor, and I would say
Speaker 1: two years ago you would look at the somewhat average
Speaker 1: out their ages from the Bachelorette into that in sixteen
Speaker 1: versus this this batch of them and let's see what
Speaker 1: we get. Someone else do that. I don't have time
Speaker 1: for it. Well, I kind of want to do it, though.
Speaker 1: Do you think the idea that used to be and
Speaker 1: more independent woman nowadays, the longer they're waiting to get married,
Speaker 1: I think they're demo is aging they need to like
Speaker 1: and they're smart. They listen to me because I said,
Speaker 1: I don't want to watch twenty two year olds pretend
Speaker 1: like they're gonna get married year olds. Okay, sure, you're
Speaker 1: still a little naive, but I can at least buy
Speaker 1: that you've been through some ship and you're gonna get
Speaker 1: more interesting people that have been through stuff, that have excess,
Speaker 1: that have baggage, that have history. Like they're bringing more
Speaker 1: to work with on the show. Yeah, it's not fifth Wheel,
Speaker 1: it's not a limit date. It's not shipwreck. You know,
Speaker 1: this is the Bachelor, and they're gonna get married, like
Speaker 1: you have to get married, you have to get engaged.
Speaker 1: By the way, the guy who hosts the new host
Speaker 1: of The Bachelor, Bachelor, his name is fun what's his name?
Speaker 1: Almost a Jesse Owens and that is not it. That's
Speaker 1: a black back in the day when Jesse Palmer. You
Speaker 1: know who that is? Oh, the football player. Yes, now
Speaker 1: I thought they hired a black guy, you would think,
Speaker 1: but they didn't. They hired this guy who looks like thick,
Speaker 1: Robin Thick. He does look like Robin, really thick. And
Speaker 1: then I know he gets his hair cut. He played
Speaker 1: for the Gators, he played quarterback. He's you know, he's
Speaker 1: an attractive guy. He gets his haircut where I get
Speaker 1: my hair He's an attractive man. He could be a bachelor. Yeah,
Speaker 1: David Letterman gets his haircut there too, right, Yeah, the
Speaker 1: same guy that I get my hair cut with. Don't
Speaker 1: touch the beard, he tells the guy, Okay, and don't
Speaker 1: talk to me and don't look at me in the
Speaker 1: eyes now. Uh. Clayton, Clayton, Clayton. That's how the girls
Speaker 1: stayed on the show. Clayton Clayton. Clayton Eckard is a
Speaker 1: football player. He is the bachelor. He is identical to
Speaker 1: the host. It's like you're watching a father and son
Speaker 1: on the show. To get this guy, does he look
Speaker 1: like a young Allan Thick. Let's see. Hold on, I'll
Speaker 1: do it. I'll try to do a side by side here.
Speaker 1: To me, I'm sorry. If I were someone who wasn't white,
Speaker 1: I'd go all white people look the same. If I
Speaker 1: looked at these two, I mean they have a similar haircut.
Speaker 1: They're both tall, white men, athletic, big, big builds. It
Speaker 1: looks like Jesse's a little bit older than him. It's
Speaker 1: and Jesse was a past bachelor, by the way, working
Speaker 1: on by the way is from St. Louis, Eureka from Clayton,
Speaker 1: so f boy being on that set. Look at them
Speaker 1: side by side, Holy sh it. Then Clayton is huge
Speaker 1: because Palmer is about six two six three. He's giant.
Speaker 1: His arms look like he looks like stretch arm strong.
Speaker 1: It looks like his arms don't make sense. Kept being
Speaker 1: like does he get you and water do not? He's
Speaker 1: like one of those little sponge dinosaurs. He was a
Speaker 1: capsule when they first art out of the show. I
Speaker 1: love those little so much. I don't know why you
Speaker 1: still do. No. I did back then put in the
Speaker 1: capsule and water. That's that was our TikTok. It's like,
Speaker 1: look at it, go look at it, go look at that.
Speaker 1: It's a staging swords. Because you thought that like maybe
Speaker 1: your parents could change, like yeah, it's a little good,
Speaker 1: or I could grow, I could go through puberty. Oh
Speaker 1: that your penis could turn from go to a capsule
Speaker 1: to a six. That's why I put it in water
Speaker 1: all the time. I would just dip it for hours
Speaker 1: and be like turned into a brown swords. Oh, you
Speaker 1: were a little boy. You probably did think like maybe
Speaker 1: I can you like watching things grow. Those things were cool.
Speaker 1: All of a sudden it would go from like healthy
Speaker 1: like Jurassic Park. I mean it's unbelievable. Okay, wait, baths
Speaker 1: as a kid, baths, baths who bathed to you as
Speaker 1: a child. Um, I think, uh, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: took a lot of jet I suck the jets, you
Speaker 1: know that. So I did take a lot of baths.
Speaker 1: We had an indoor jacuzzi, so I sucked those all
Speaker 1: the time. And I don't know if I put soap
Speaker 1: on you did it? I just put I was still
Speaker 1: dry from the top half. God, because I was just
Speaker 1: the jets on my knees. Oh god. And then you
Speaker 1: were just bathing in a pool of Like, dude, would
Speaker 1: you come No, I tried. This is pre dinosaur. This
Speaker 1: is prey before I developed. Yeah, back in the pill
Speaker 1: day when I was just a pill. Wait what we're talking? Oh, fay.
Speaker 1: Every if you're short on these shows, the chances of
Speaker 1: you winning is like six, Like because you when you're
Speaker 1: standing next to these tall guys in a lineup, I
Speaker 1: just don't think you can win. I don't think you
Speaker 1: can win. I want to see the height winners. It's
Speaker 1: probably like the presidents. They're all probably above five eleven. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think we as a woman that like short, that
Speaker 1: is not opposed to dating shorter men. I don't, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It is true that women seem to prefer.
Speaker 1: Society seems to prefer saying, especially in a game like
Speaker 1: this where they're all lined up next to each other, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that's true. I don't know. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: like play the card of like, well, if you're a
Speaker 1: woman and you're sucking even slightly ugly, but then also
Speaker 1: if you're a man in your I guess if you're
Speaker 1: in a lineup and you're ugly, you're you're more funed
Speaker 1: in regular world where you don't have this literally line
Speaker 1: up next to the part even you know it's going
Speaker 1: to kill you. Like if if you only meet one
Speaker 1: person in your life and they're ugly, you'll think they're
Speaker 1: the most beautiful person you've ever met, because they are
Speaker 1: because they're the only person you've ever met. So okay,
Speaker 1: how about this you go on a dating app and
Speaker 1: instead of one at a time, it's ten up there
Speaker 1: at a time, and you pick the one that's the
Speaker 1: most tried to see you out of the lineup. I
Speaker 1: like this, So then nine, I would say out of
Speaker 1: those tendo, probably six if they were singles, would get swiped, right,
Speaker 1: because you would fuck them because but if you compare
Speaker 1: all ten, no, I think if you're a man, probably
Speaker 1: six of them with swite. As a woman, you're swiping
Speaker 1: left on everyone because they're just I mean, that's just
Speaker 1: the way I do it. No, you never were really
Speaker 1: doing the apps. I would have loved you. Did it
Speaker 1: was okay? Were you swiping left a lot? Oh so much? Yeah?
Speaker 1: So much? Yeah if they weren't into metallica and sucking
Speaker 1: on nipples? Heart, Have you told av yet that you
Speaker 1: want your nipples black and blue? No? Not yet. Will
Speaker 1: you let us know when you do? Please? Do? Well
Speaker 1: know she'll have a pep in her step and a
Speaker 1: and a band aid on her braising out of my
Speaker 1: shirt black. And the women on the show who are
Speaker 1: all around have all had filler and things in their face.
Speaker 1: To the point, and I've said this before because it
Speaker 1: has been happening for several years. Young women now have
Speaker 1: surgically different faces that you're talking about comparison. Your mind
Speaker 1: starts seeing things differently like you. If we can, I
Speaker 1: would love to look at faces of the Bachelor before
Speaker 1: filler and botox went bananas, because women's normal faces. We
Speaker 1: just don't see him often anymore. You see him in
Speaker 1: the Midwest a little bit more become human filters. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we've filtered our own faces in real life. The women.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you what is it about a woman
Speaker 1: that hates showing an expression in their forehead? Like what?
Speaker 1: I just want to get behind the psychology behind it,
Speaker 1: because it's wrinkles and wrinkles have always been associated with age.
Speaker 1: Right there you go, That's all it is there? When
Speaker 1: are you stay? Hang out with Jennifer Lawrence, she would
Speaker 1: be like, seriously, stop making me laugh, stop it and
Speaker 1: she would hold her face so that it wouldn't wrinkle.
Speaker 1: Oh wow. Also, Kim Gardashian the same way, doesn't smile
Speaker 1: in pictures because of wrinkles, of wrinkles in her eyes
Speaker 1: of anywhere, Like you get them here anymore. Sun is done,
Speaker 1: smiling is done, bun is done, expressions are done. I
Speaker 1: don't mind a slight, but I want to take away
Speaker 1: a little bit of it. And no, because you you
Speaker 1: you look at older women and they have more wrinkles
Speaker 1: on their face. That's when you start showing wrinkles on
Speaker 1: your face. You just start going crazy. And everything you
Speaker 1: see on Instagram is filtered or the women have worked one.
Speaker 1: So you're comparing yourself to women who have worked one
Speaker 1: if everyone just started looking like you know that um
Speaker 1: twilight zone where everyone has a pig face and then
Speaker 1: the woman is they are like, we tried to operate
Speaker 1: to get her by to normal, and it's her face
Speaker 1: and she's beautiful, and they're like, it's horrible. It's just
Speaker 1: like everyone can look these surgical faces. I think if
Speaker 1: they were you were placed in the nineties, you would
Speaker 1: look insane. But now it's everything we see in magazines
Speaker 1: and like everything's adapted to that. So like having a
Speaker 1: Kardashian face like filled cheekbones, kind of like like a
Speaker 1: wind blown cat, like a cat in a um in
Speaker 1: one of those skydiving machines, a cat with g forces
Speaker 1: being applied to its face is what everyone's going for now.
Speaker 1: There's a thing called a ponytail lift that's for younger
Speaker 1: women to get a facelift. Women, and they're like late
Speaker 1: thirties and forties called a ponytail lift. Look at the
Speaker 1: befores and afters and tell me that is not insanely good.
Speaker 1: It's like if you put a ponytail in tight, yeah,
Speaker 1: and it lifts everything to just go like this, Like
Speaker 1: right now, do you think your face is tighter? Because
Speaker 1: you're in a ponytail. No, I mean, now I don't
Speaker 1: think it is at all, But because it's not, you
Speaker 1: look at your face? What do you Sometimes I think
Speaker 1: women see things that they think society sees, and one
Speaker 1: looking that closely, then um, what do you see that?
Speaker 1: My eyes are going down? Here? I see that my
Speaker 1: cheeks are kind of everything's being pulled down kind of,
Speaker 1: and I just want like a lift. I tried sleeping
Speaker 1: upside down. I know that's what apparently crazy to get dollars.
Speaker 1: Where did you hear this? Really? I don't know if
Speaker 1: someone told to me that once and that just like
Speaker 1: stuck with me. I think he actually doesn't sleep up
Speaker 1: to it and he sleeps sitting straight up so that
Speaker 1: there's no but it's not. Yeah, look there are days
Speaker 1: where my face I'll look in the mirror and go,
Speaker 1: that's on my face because I'll eat too much sodium
Speaker 1: or you know back in the day when I would
Speaker 1: drink you know, back in the day. No, but and
Speaker 1: then like I'd wait cubing, like I'd be like, who
Speaker 1: the fuck is like my face? You see it all?
Speaker 1: But then to think that's my face because that day
Speaker 1: it's bad, I think That's when you start getting in trouble.
Speaker 1: When you start looking at your face every day, become
Speaker 1: a person that's on TV and yeah, and everyone on
Speaker 1: the show is ten years younger than you, and you
Speaker 1: start getting a little cuckoo, and then you get stuffed
Speaker 1: under your face and then people go, look at her face.
Speaker 1: It looks so bad. But guess what. Sometimes when I
Speaker 1: have stuffed into my face, everyone goes, You're you look amazing?
Speaker 1: What's going on? So don't act like you out there?
Speaker 1: Don't act like you do. You don't know when people
Speaker 1: have had stuff done to the face. Ariana Grande has
Speaker 1: had a ponytail left allegedly. That's where I first heard
Speaker 1: about it because I read on this blog that, you know,
Speaker 1: on subreddits where all these people are weighing in about
Speaker 1: what celebrities have had seblastic surgery and not talked about it,
Speaker 1: which is everyone. They were saying that some doctor kind
Speaker 1: of outed Beyonce and got like death threats from the
Speaker 1: bee Hive of like, you don't say our queen has
Speaker 1: said plastic surgery. And then they also said with pretty
Speaker 1: good evidence that um, little little Ariana Grande had a
Speaker 1: ponytail lift. And then I told Matt you were going
Speaker 1: to say little grande, little grand Well, she uh, she
Speaker 1: got a I told that she had a ponytail lift
Speaker 1: to Anya and Matt. Anya's boyfriend Matt Pond and he
Speaker 1: was like, but isn't her hair always in a ponytail?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, it's kind of funny of anyone to
Speaker 1: get a ponytail lifts. It looked good. She's been doing
Speaker 1: her whole life. So today I'm supposed to go get MICRANI.
Speaker 1: You know you've had that right, Yes, No, I'm going
Speaker 1: to my place I did normally go. That's I don't
Speaker 1: need to see Brenna when I'm checking out personally. I
Speaker 1: don't want to go there because I don't want to
Speaker 1: have the place I go. There's a woman that's my age.
Speaker 1: I don't want to see. I love Brenna. I don't
Speaker 1: want to see her go like, you look great and
Speaker 1: my face is bloodied and has pin pricks, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: do I look like you? Yet? I don't want that ship.
Speaker 1: I know she can save me. I don't need it. Alright, alright, um,
Speaker 1: but if you are, if you don't mind that, go
Speaker 1: over there. No wait, so wait, so then what are
Speaker 1: you getting done. I'm getting done botox, which I've always done.
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, I get it around my forehead. I do
Speaker 1: sometimes I do a lip flip, which it just like
Speaker 1: goes here and it makes your lip because the filler
Speaker 1: with girls. There's a girl on the Bachelor right now.
Speaker 1: Let me look up her face so you can see
Speaker 1: who I'm talking. Actually I don't want to. She has
Speaker 1: blonde hair, she has no upper lip, but she got
Speaker 1: lip filler. And because I don't know how Kylie Jenner
Speaker 1: did it. How she went from having my lip upper
Speaker 1: lip which was even worse, so she had like that.
Speaker 1: What have you seen Kylie lately? It's not it's not good,
Speaker 1: I know, but her lip looks really like her lip
Speaker 1: when she first got done and used to look really
Speaker 1: full and like almost natural, you know. Um, And I
Speaker 1: don't know how to get that look because I've gotten
Speaker 1: filler in my lip and it just makes you look
Speaker 1: like you have like a plate in your lip, like
Speaker 1: it looks like platyplus not even no bit by Bees
Speaker 1: would honestly look b B B b b b Byes
Speaker 1: is my favorite band that's like co headlining all the
Speaker 1: palooza they're doing. They're they're making it. It's in the
Speaker 1: stream world. But yeah, bit by bees um so I
Speaker 1: love their song called you Ain't Alone Baby Cakes, baby Cakes,
Speaker 1: You Ain't Alone baby Cakes is honestly was supposed to
Speaker 1: be their single off their first track, but I love
Speaker 1: that it got buried. But um, it clearly should have
Speaker 1: been a single. That's what they said, That's what they had.
Speaker 1: Railroads Scarf, Yeah, We're road Scarf was dope though it was,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't what there. It didn't like really represent
Speaker 1: what their sound was about on their album. It was
Speaker 1: a little up, be a little hard, a little like
Speaker 1: intense as opposed to I Love You Baby Cakes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know it just you know those songs where it
Speaker 1: just is like I went to to live in room.
Speaker 1: We're watching in Kansas, though, was probably my favorite album.
Speaker 1: We could do this all day. My favorite thing. They
Speaker 1: were right shooting themselves, but I really enjoyed it. Dude
Speaker 1: shooting themselves. Is was also that hidden tracks shooting themselves
Speaker 1: that you can find on vinyl tape. Dude me and
Speaker 1: Chris the other day we're doing um barbon kat, do
Speaker 1: you know? Or what's the they were on. It was
Speaker 1: Fred Armison and Kristen Wiggs characters No, no, no, they
Speaker 1: were Fred Armison and Kristen Wiggs characters on Barb Barbon
Speaker 1: something um and Seth Seth Myers was the correspondent we
Speaker 1: can update and used to be bring on Barbon whoever.
Speaker 1: Fred Armison and Kristen Wigg, and they would do the
Speaker 1: thing where they're like they're they're debuting a new song.
Speaker 1: They're like a couple that has like holiday songs, and
Speaker 1: they're just really cheesy. They were only Christmas sweaters and
Speaker 1: the like, Um, they're always out of breath because they
Speaker 1: forgot that their segment was that week, and so it's
Speaker 1: clear that they're just making up these songs. And then
Speaker 1: they just go like, well holiday here already, and we're
Speaker 1: going to Kristen Wig. So Fred is leading it in
Speaker 1: Kristin Wiggs. So funny Barbon calf. If you want to
Speaker 1: have a good time, just pull up those clips. And
Speaker 1: I was saying that you are so good at that,
Speaker 1: at repeating people and getting I'm not as good. Every
Speaker 1: time I'm in a fight with Brenna, you start, I
Speaker 1: start doing it and she goes, you're doing this to
Speaker 1: get me to shut up, And I'm literally going. You're
Speaker 1: doing this to get me to shut It would get physical.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm good at? That I'm really good
Speaker 1: at and I do the mouth for it. Can we
Speaker 1: try it? Hey, everybody, thank you for coming out. I
Speaker 1: love everything about this world. This world is unbelievable. It
Speaker 1: has water, it has land, mountains and valleys. When I
Speaker 1: was a boy, we would travel to Nebraska to look
Speaker 1: at the whales watching, and turns out they were in Kansas.
Speaker 1: Bit by bit, I realized I should start a piece.
Speaker 1: You gotta get to a break in the badoon. We're back.
Speaker 1: It's the news. Let's get it to it. Yesterday, No,
Speaker 1: we did it because it wasn't working. So they heard it,
Speaker 1: but we didn't really, And I'm living in a time.
Speaker 1: It's tuesday, vols. You know what that means. It is tuesday. No,
Speaker 1: didn't you do that yesterday? It means Bob's dead? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I did that, happened yesterday. We could just keep doing
Speaker 1: it because he's last night. So I wrote a song
Speaker 1: for Bob sagett I, well, Matt wrote a song, and
Speaker 1: then I that I. So I'm recording music this week
Speaker 1: at a recording studio, and I'm just doing it as
Speaker 1: like a make a wish for myself just I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna yeah, have all this was. I'm not gonna like
Speaker 1: I have no there's no guarantee I'm going to release anything.
Speaker 1: But I'm paying thousands of dollars to just have this
Speaker 1: experience and see if I can do it. And every
Speaker 1: time I go on Instagram Live, people are like, we
Speaker 1: want an album, and I'm like, I need a lot
Speaker 1: of practice before I release anything. But yesterday I was
Speaker 1: going to record We recorded two songs on Sunday, and
Speaker 1: then yesterday we were going to record two more and
Speaker 1: I was listening to one of the tracks that we
Speaker 1: were going to record, and um, he wrote it about
Speaker 1: me and a Meal being stuck in an earthquake Vegas.
Speaker 1: But we were, we were together, you were on stage,
Speaker 1: so you were you know, you're the the ten minute
Speaker 1: version of the song that we're never gonna release that
Speaker 1: I'm going to perform on s and now two thirty
Speaker 1: three Andrews on the stage. I don't care. I was
Speaker 1: heading back from couples therapy yesterday headed to the studio
Speaker 1: and I was like listening to the song and I
Speaker 1: was getting so I was sad about Bob and which
Speaker 1: is one of about my favorite bit by bees like
Speaker 1: EPs that just a drum machine. I know he did,
Speaker 1: and he did it all on that. By the way,
Speaker 1: did you know that the weekend was when they were
Speaker 1: supposed to finish it? That? But you thought I was
Speaker 1: going to say the weekend? The guy was no, No,
Speaker 1: I didn't. I knew exactly what you're doing, Okay. So
Speaker 1: I was listening to the song and I was like,
Speaker 1: I love this song. I love that it reminds me
Speaker 1: of like me and a meal underneath this like table.
Speaker 1: It's like a beautiful song, but it was like there's
Speaker 1: like a sadness to it. I was like, oh, and
Speaker 1: and Chris had texted me, you know, the night Bob died, like, hey,
Speaker 1: you're recording music this week, you should maybe think about
Speaker 1: maybe writing a song about Bob and don't And uh
Speaker 1: it's so I know that movie is great. So I said, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a good idea, but like to write a song,
Speaker 1: I don't know, like we already have all like a
Speaker 1: Levin songs written that I'm recording this week. And then
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, wait, this song would be good.
Speaker 1: Maybe I can rewrite the lyrics. So I wrote Matt.
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, Matt, can I change the lyrics
Speaker 1: to this and making about Bob Sagett And he was like,
Speaker 1: I don't care. Yeah, totally. So I wrote all new
Speaker 1: lyrics and it actually fit perfectly because the first verses,
Speaker 1: like the last earthquake was in Las Vegas. We were
Speaker 1: cracking jokes and it's about the earthquake, and so I
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, the last time I hung
Speaker 1: up with Bob was in Milwaukee, and so I was like,
Speaker 1: the last our last run in was in Milwaukee. We
Speaker 1: were cracking jokes. So it just fitted. And then the
Speaker 1: rest of it and it's so pretty. So when I
Speaker 1: was recording yesterday, the there's this there's this bridge part
Speaker 1: that it's like um uh King of Fatherhood, King of Fatherhood,
Speaker 1: um something something uh. I forget the lyric, but it's like, um,
Speaker 1: when I was down, you brought me up, um, King
Speaker 1: of Fatherhood, someone to trust. When I was down, you
Speaker 1: brought me up. And I just like couldn't. For some reason,
Speaker 1: I was trying to think of it so that I
Speaker 1: could have the emotion in the song. But then I
Speaker 1: started like I couldn't. I started like crying and it
Speaker 1: was so nice that people I'm recording with like take
Speaker 1: a break, and so I I at first I was
Speaker 1: like I just want to, like not because if I bawled,
Speaker 1: my voice is all going to be like weird. And
Speaker 1: so I was like, no, I got it. Let me
Speaker 1: just keep going, and that I was just like your father.
Speaker 1: I was like, look, look, so we took a break.
Speaker 1: They were all so nice, and then we they went
Speaker 1: to Starbucks, took like an hour break, and then we
Speaker 1: came back and I was like, I'm ready, and then
Speaker 1: then I was fine. I was like I had cried
Speaker 1: and was good to got out of my system, went
Speaker 1: through the whole song, and then at the end there's
Speaker 1: like it's it's just really sad. It's just like me
Speaker 1: talking to a god person being like, please don't hurt
Speaker 1: the people I love, Please don't take anyone, and all
Speaker 1: this stuff, which was already the lyrics of the song
Speaker 1: original one, so I got to keep the chorus and um.
Speaker 1: And so I finished it and I'm like, please don't
Speaker 1: take anyone. And then usually like when you finished, they're like, great,
Speaker 1: oh my god, that was awesome. All right, so let's
Speaker 1: move on. And I knew it was the last take
Speaker 1: so I'm like, please don't take anyone and it was
Speaker 1: just like quiet, and they're in the next room and
Speaker 1: I'm just like and they're like, uh, we're kind of
Speaker 1: emotional over here, like they all cried. It was so
Speaker 1: sweet and at that point I was like, you fucking pussies,
Speaker 1: get you know. It was really nice that I was
Speaker 1: able to. That's why I think it's special. I'm going
Speaker 1: to release it because because like, I don't care if
Speaker 1: it's not good, because it's just it doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be because it's just about friendship and I think that
Speaker 1: people can put their own thing onto it. And I
Speaker 1: think that Bob would have would love it. And it's
Speaker 1: so nice that Bob actually his death got me to
Speaker 1: release something before I felt ready to. And yeah, so
Speaker 1: that's my news today. I'm sorry. I just no, No,
Speaker 1: it's fine that you hijacked because the first word is
Speaker 1: about a terrorist? That is it really that? Um? See
Speaker 1: what was I gonna say? But why not have that
Speaker 1: same like I do the same thing, but like you're like,
Speaker 1: I can release it because of this because I think
Speaker 1: people thinking I think I'm cool or thinking I think
Speaker 1: I'm good. I just I don't know why Like the
Speaker 1: other day when I posted that Woody Harrelson picture, I
Speaker 1: had to like make a million caveats of like, I
Speaker 1: don't think I'm special. I know this is a humble
Speaker 1: break because the thing is it was it was when yes,
Speaker 1: did Jim Norton post I don't even know what that
Speaker 1: the one about, Um, I don't know the guy that
Speaker 1: died the dedication post did you want to? Because I
Speaker 1: felt like you posted that and then you were like, oh,
Speaker 1: let me give an anecdote about my life like with
Speaker 1: the celebrity. Oh that didn't even collect to me. But yeah,
Speaker 1: Jim Norton's post about Cindy Poartier was so funny. No,
Speaker 1: it wasn't that at all. In my head, it was
Speaker 1: just I want to share this thing that is a
Speaker 1: little braggy that I got to meet this really famous person.
Speaker 1: I was also used to be friends with this famous person.
Speaker 1: There's no context for it on Instagram when you post
Speaker 1: something there was no Woody Harrison didn't die, like, you know,
Speaker 1: I could have sat on that until there's a Woody
Speaker 1: Harrison won an award or something. So it seems like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is that's why I'm doing it, you know, like
Speaker 1: me releasing this song. It's a little self serving. I
Speaker 1: sound good on it. I think I kind of sound good.
Speaker 1: It's a song I wrote, but because it's about Bob
Speaker 1: Saggett and he died, I have an excuse. But when
Speaker 1: I posted a picture Woody Harrison apropos of nothing on
Speaker 1: a random Sunday after Saturday afternoon, that to me seems
Speaker 1: just like there's no I have to tell. I have
Speaker 1: to admit this is just a humble brag, and then
Speaker 1: I have to get and I'm I'm one of these
Speaker 1: people that the humble brag that gets more likes than
Speaker 1: even not a humble But you know what it's like, Well,
Speaker 1: it's not about getting likes. I wasn't doing that to
Speaker 1: get likes. But why why post anything? Because I was
Speaker 1: posting it because I look good in the picture. I'm
Speaker 1: bragging that I got to meet what you like. But
Speaker 1: the humblebragg did not get me more likes. I don't
Speaker 1: think I think it does because I think acknowledging well,
Speaker 1: if it did, then that is sincere likes that I
Speaker 1: can accept, whereas the ones that would just be because
Speaker 1: I met what he Harlson, I would not accept it's
Speaker 1: almost like this podcast. When people like my stand up
Speaker 1: to me, I feel like I'm tricking people because it's
Speaker 1: a performance. It's a little bit more curated. I can't
Speaker 1: accept the compliments as much I do and I acknowledge them.
Speaker 1: But when people like the podcast and like me on
Speaker 1: the podcast, that fucking straight to the heart. The other
Speaker 1: one goes through like my foot and like goes to
Speaker 1: the side because of the bunyan and travels up and
Speaker 1: it's all like it's it's a I get shot because
Speaker 1: it's like a friendly like a you know, it's I
Speaker 1: don't It doesn't sink in. But because the people that
Speaker 1: like the podcast, I'm not trying nothing on here is
Speaker 1: me trying to be anything get myself. Whereas that caption
Speaker 1: where I'm saying I have a roommate, I live in St.
Speaker 1: Louis and I drive my mom's car, that that is
Speaker 1: the real me admitting that and me being like a
Speaker 1: lot of people were like, you seem unhinged, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's the real me. I am. I'm a little and
Speaker 1: I liked that A special or you know, a bit
Speaker 1: by bees forth coming out is actually I didn't want
Speaker 1: to tell anyone but do you talk to them still?
Speaker 1: You talk to Trevor Andrew's friends with the basis from
Speaker 1: bit by Bees and he didn't want to brag about it,
Speaker 1: but I will do it for him anyway. We gotta
Speaker 1: get to the news. But I do want to say though,
Speaker 1: when you humble bragg um, I just that is me
Speaker 1: to throw in the caveat. It's just who I am.
Speaker 1: Bo Burnham. I've talked about this before on his special.
Speaker 1: It annoyed me how much he had to call out
Speaker 1: what he was doing all the time. It's self awareness
Speaker 1: to a degree that is almost exhausting. But that's me, babe,
Speaker 1: Let's me, and you know it's not me as posting
Speaker 1: put picture of myself with Woody Harrelson acting like that
Speaker 1: that's my normal life because it ain't. Baby, and as
Speaker 1: a woman and as a girl that used to when
Speaker 1: I was young, get very triggered by like cut. Everyone's
Speaker 1: life is so much better than mine. I really think
Speaker 1: it is up to us, when we're presenting something that
Speaker 1: is not a normal representation of our life, to call
Speaker 1: it out for people who might be struggling with that
Speaker 1: comparison thing. Because if someone if I saw like one
Speaker 1: of my the women that I look up to or like,
Speaker 1: you know, compare myself to posting something and then at
Speaker 1: the end they go, here's the real story. I did
Speaker 1: the while I was writing this, I was eating oatmeal.
Speaker 1: I spilled it on my computer and you know something gross.
Speaker 1: It would take me out of it and go, listen,
Speaker 1: she's just like you and I I needed that so
Speaker 1: much as a kid, and I wish there would have
Speaker 1: been more of she's just like you. So I always
Speaker 1: try to add a layer of that, not so I
Speaker 1: can be like I'm the norm. I'm in the every
Speaker 1: woman like me. It's because I'm talking to myself that
Speaker 1: used to go, wow, she's killing it. Because if I
Speaker 1: haven't bought my head tomorrow and I go on my
Speaker 1: Instagram and I don't know, say, I don't know who
Speaker 1: I am, and I look at this girl and I
Speaker 1: see her, I'm gonna get a little jealous of myself
Speaker 1: sometimes because it is on Instagram. It's not representing my
Speaker 1: real life. So I just feel like it is up
Speaker 1: to us to have a Surgeon General's warrant of our
Speaker 1: real life. I agree with that. I just think like
Speaker 1: the photo in itself, not just with Woody Haroldson. But
Speaker 1: does any photo where you look hot, or where you
Speaker 1: where a celebrity, or like if my body looks good
Speaker 1: or whatever, and then you write the caption, it's like
Speaker 1: what you It's like when I used to like put
Speaker 1: up funny things where my where I looked attractive. Still
Speaker 1: but but listen, the photo is already getting people to
Speaker 1: be the funny thing. You're not being sincere. You're being funny.
Speaker 1: You're not saying I'm being now if you had a
Speaker 1: caption that I'm being funny right now, so I can
Speaker 1: post a hot picture that's sincere. Yeah, but I think
Speaker 1: that's implied already before even writing it all out. That's
Speaker 1: my point sometimes, but it's not okay. But if you
Speaker 1: just put up that picture of Woody Harrison and go
Speaker 1: here I am with my celebrity friend that I just
Speaker 1: met yesterday, that's another way of doing exactly what I did. Well,
Speaker 1: that's how is that different? I just it's a different
Speaker 1: presentation of it. I just feel like that the nuances
Speaker 1: are already understood that here I am. Obviously I'm not
Speaker 1: going to put up a picture where I looked It's
Speaker 1: just a different joke, Like it's the same joke, but
Speaker 1: it's a different way of presenting it. It's just as
Speaker 1: funny and possibly shorter. But I also like that I
Speaker 1: talk like that anyway. I just if you don't like it,
Speaker 1: like a lot of people are like, I do not
Speaker 1: like this. This is a crazy woman. I'm like. I
Speaker 1: even sent it to Chris before I posted it because
Speaker 1: I was like, I felt crazy, and I'm like, do
Speaker 1: you like me after me? Do you still? Do you
Speaker 1: still like me? Do you think this is representative of
Speaker 1: the way I am? And He's like, you do not
Speaker 1: need to write all that, Like you are enough, just
Speaker 1: like people don't need to know that you throw yourself
Speaker 1: under the bus too much. But I I love it's
Speaker 1: very much. And so when I checked with him, I've
Speaker 1: been checking with him a lot on things. I got
Speaker 1: asked to do a naked photo shoot yesterday from magazine,
Speaker 1: and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to
Speaker 1: do it. No, I'm so excited. You know. That's why
Speaker 1: I did Dancing with the Stars because you guys were
Speaker 1: like outfits. You get to be so hot, and I
Speaker 1: was like yes, um, and I it's coming, it's like soon,
Speaker 1: so there's no me getting in shape for it, and
Speaker 1: there wouldn't be anyway. And let me just say, my
Speaker 1: body isn't the best it's ever been. But I'm just
Speaker 1: like whatever, um and it's it's. And I got asked
Speaker 1: to do it from my publicist just to ask if
Speaker 1: I would be interested in receiving the invite for it,
Speaker 1: because they weren't even gonna send the offer if i'd
Speaker 1: never post news. She's texted me. She was like, would
Speaker 1: you pose nude for like a tasteful thing where you'd
Speaker 1: be covered up, you know, on your asshole? Only my asshole?
Speaker 1: So is gonna be from Uh it's gonna be uh yes?
Speaker 1: What is it called? When you are you going to show? Come? Uh? Yeah?
Speaker 1: So anyway, I don't know that of me to be
Speaker 1: able to do it. But I was like, I asked
Speaker 1: my you know, not my boyfriend, but the guy that
Speaker 1: I'm very close to is being my boyfriend. I asked him.
Speaker 1: I was like, I didn't ask him. I didn't go,
Speaker 1: no kidding, I go. It wasn't like I was asking
Speaker 1: permission because he goes, were you asking like my if
Speaker 1: I would have said, did you think I was going
Speaker 1: to say no? And I was like, no, I didn't
Speaker 1: think I would still do it, but I just wanted
Speaker 1: to gauge, like because he's just kind of a good
Speaker 1: arbiter of like this isn't you. He'll let me do
Speaker 1: anything that's truly me, or like not let me, but
Speaker 1: like give the okay, I guess that still sounds like
Speaker 1: a passing permission. I promise you I'm not um But
Speaker 1: he was like fuck yes to it, like he wants
Speaker 1: me to do a topless special. He's like that would
Speaker 1: be so funny and cool, like just saying fuck it,
Speaker 1: like men can be Bert christ Er can do it.
Speaker 1: You should do it. And I've got slightly bigger tits
Speaker 1: than Burt and m And he was like yes. He
Speaker 1: was like this is awesome, and publication is like a good,
Speaker 1: it's a good. It's up there with like it's not Maxim,
Speaker 1: you know which I would gladly do. Maxim reach out
Speaker 1: to me when you do the senior edition um or
Speaker 1: like f A F f A h M? Is that
Speaker 1: was that the old one. I would even do fucking Playboy.
Speaker 1: I would do it. I would, but it was nice
Speaker 1: to get the from the person who you know sees
Speaker 1: me naked most and it's probably a little bit proprietary
Speaker 1: about my nakedness and me giving that away to the world.
Speaker 1: He was like, fuck, yeah, you look amazing, like put
Speaker 1: it out there. And he was like, is this gonna
Speaker 1: make you kind of like he was a little worried
Speaker 1: about eating sort of stuff, like is this gonna make
Speaker 1: you do some things? And I was like, honestly, I
Speaker 1: would do the shoot right now. And I had just
Speaker 1: eaten like so much Thai food. I was just like,
Speaker 1: they can. They're gonna tweak anything that I would have
Speaker 1: a problem with My body would be like a skin. Well,
Speaker 1: how new are we talking? Are we talking like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do the Jennifer Aniston this where she's sitting like this, Yeah,
Speaker 1: and she had her tids out. She said, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's she's naked, but it's like this, and so
Speaker 1: you see she's blocking her vagina with her leg. You
Speaker 1: would need a bigger leg though, I have a bigger leon,
Speaker 1: so we're good, I know, but right, but my leg
Speaker 1: is also bigger anyway, um, and I'm gonna have my
Speaker 1: style the Rachel Okay first News story. Seriously, Noah is
Speaker 1: like getting hives. No we have you don't care? Okay, God,
Speaker 1: here are some expert approved tips for masturbation without a
Speaker 1: vibrator for women. You ready, try a diagonal diagonal, oh boy,
Speaker 1: pterodactyl stroke. Imagine that there's a clock over your clitterers
Speaker 1: with Okay, hold on with the twelve closer to your
Speaker 1: anus and the sixth closer to your belly button, so
Speaker 1: it's clock like you're if you placed the clock. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: and then stroke from one to seven if you're righty,
Speaker 1: or eleven to five if you're a lefty. Use one
Speaker 1: finger to run circles around your clours without touching it directly. Interesting, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll run circles around my clas it sounds like I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'll fucking kick your ass. Alright, I'll finger You're alright.
Speaker 1: Try rubbing your curs with one finger, two fingers, three fingers,
Speaker 1: four fingers and your no no, no, no, no, it's
Speaker 1: nothing about you. It's just you don't have a clitterus.
Speaker 1: You know, before the sponge soaked up the water, it
Speaker 1: kind of looked like one. Um. You know what when
Speaker 1: you are doing a manual clatoral rub as you with
Speaker 1: your fingers, which I'm thinking you've done before. Of course, Okay,
Speaker 1: do do you um lift up the hood? No, it's
Speaker 1: too and it's too like intense. Oh so you do
Speaker 1: it with hood on you you you pet the turtle
Speaker 1: with the shell still on. Correct, I need to lift
Speaker 1: up the hood. My clip is so it looks like
Speaker 1: a from the start though, or like after you've worked
Speaker 1: on them, you know, like I don't really fucking I
Speaker 1: don't even do four play with myself. I'm like, let's
Speaker 1: just jump on in. But my hood is I have
Speaker 1: a significant hood and my clip is the size of
Speaker 1: a um, you know, like a little like a not
Speaker 1: a um. What are the grains that you buy that
Speaker 1: are like orange that are perfect circles, lentil or like
Speaker 1: a lentil, they're the size of a lentil, a dried lentil.
Speaker 1: I think so s lentil. And that's not a huge hood,
Speaker 1: but it's like it's it looks like a piece of
Speaker 1: bubble gum, like a little person in a clan outfit.
Speaker 1: I really want to do a thing for my boyfriend
Speaker 1: because when I blow dry my hair, I look at
Speaker 1: my vagina sometimes because it's out and my lips hold
Speaker 1: fold like so my hood is here and then my
Speaker 1: lips go are like you know, coming out sometimes like
Speaker 1: my majora. But they hang down probably like a half
Speaker 1: of a quarter whatever that is like a third of
Speaker 1: an inch down. But if I pull them enough, they
Speaker 1: can go down to like, you know, a little bit more.
Speaker 1: And it looks like a bunny rabbit so much because
Speaker 1: the way I'm looking at it looks like like it's
Speaker 1: just like, hey, and for Easter. I don't want to
Speaker 1: put a nose and a little I want to like,
Speaker 1: I want to make it an Easter bunny for Easter
Speaker 1: and say like happy Easter, which I don't think you'll
Speaker 1: even like because it's like that instance of humor. But
Speaker 1: he's the only person I could ever show that too.
Speaker 1: Maybe my friend you better get on that WhatsApp chat
Speaker 1: again around Easter, noah, because she kind of like fell
Speaker 1: off the WhatsApp chat. But like you gotta get around
Speaker 1: to Easter because that's where I'll put it. Okay, deal,
Speaker 1: But yeah, so you lift the hood. I'm wondering if
Speaker 1: our listeners left the hood all right? Let us know,
Speaker 1: if you get size bean, would you say you're your
Speaker 1: clip is no uh maybe like like a shrunken navy
Speaker 1: bean or something like that Okay, so it fought for
Speaker 1: our country or like a like a like a Pinto
Speaker 1: does your does your no? But like mine decides like
Speaker 1: a Pinto car does yours? Ever hide in your body
Speaker 1: like because it's like it's too like mine. Sometimes I'm
Speaker 1: about to come and then it literally will go not
Speaker 1: a girl, and it will go in and I can't
Speaker 1: fucking find it. That happens with my dig not into
Speaker 1: my body, but it will goes soft right when I'm
Speaker 1: gonna come, which is kind of weird. Mine hides like no,
Speaker 1: it's like me trying to give Luigi a bath, Like
Speaker 1: the second he senses it comes out when it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: my voice is up here, and it seems like I'm
Speaker 1: like over by the cabinets where the treats are. But
Speaker 1: then the second that I run the water, it's like,
Speaker 1: I wonder. And that's why that one thing I showed
Speaker 1: on the show one time that you like clip your
Speaker 1: clip to make it like exposed, it was actually I'm
Speaker 1: going to try that again, but I think I was
Speaker 1: clipping it on it instead of around it, um because
Speaker 1: it always retreats. Okay, what are some more tactics because
Speaker 1: I need a try and then around and then start
Speaker 1: with one. Get all the way to four fingers, and
Speaker 1: then if you're a six finger person, get weird using
Speaker 1: two fingers placed one on each side of your clips,
Speaker 1: rub up and down. You can also try a side
Speaker 1: to side tap your clators with one to two fingers
Speaker 1: tap technique, tap au keep your underwear on. You could
Speaker 1: also try this with a rougher fabric like jeans. Oh
Speaker 1: I love that's Hey, is this talking about my joke?
Speaker 1: Will you use the little the little button on the
Speaker 1: pull your outer labia together and rub your clatres through
Speaker 1: the folds of your skin? Okay into this? Yeah, I've
Speaker 1: never tried any of that. I ate a girl's jeans
Speaker 1: one time, blowjob once. It's so funny. One guy once
Speaker 1: told me that he was at a strip club and
Speaker 1: getting a lap dance back where things were like kind
Speaker 1: of happening back there where she was offering maybe more
Speaker 1: money for other things, and he's like no, no, no,
Speaker 1: but she threw his jeans like he was hard and
Speaker 1: like bit his penis through his jeans and was just
Speaker 1: like and like breathed on it. I do that to
Speaker 1: my man all the time. I love. It's an over
Speaker 1: the pants blow try to actually suck a dick through jeans.
Speaker 1: Like and also, guys, I think this is a cool
Speaker 1: trick to say no, you don't get it unless you
Speaker 1: work for it, and like, try to suck my dick
Speaker 1: through my jeans and make the girl will be so
Speaker 1: like it's like a game if you make things games
Speaker 1: for women where you're just not giving it because guys
Speaker 1: take out their dicks so soon, we never have like
Speaker 1: I want it. If you make us beg for things,
Speaker 1: when you finally give it to us, will be so
Speaker 1: into it, more so than you've ever seen us. I
Speaker 1: think it's maybe put on another pair of jeans. Of jeans, yeah,
Speaker 1: do um never nude. It is interesting in a guy
Speaker 1: that's not circumcised. So there there they have a hood.
Speaker 1: They have a hood. Maybe it feels good to play
Speaker 1: with the head of your cock through underwear. I guess
Speaker 1: you could use your underwear if you don't have one.
Speaker 1: I love when I masturbate. I think for some if
Speaker 1: I'm ever doing like hand stuff, if if a guy
Speaker 1: is starting down their hand stuff through my jeans and
Speaker 1: then my leaving my underwear on to the side, like
Speaker 1: not doing directly, all of that is so good. You
Speaker 1: can do really firm pressure all you can go right
Speaker 1: in with firm pressure when you leave on that stuff.
Speaker 1: But that's just a good way to get a girl
Speaker 1: warmed up. If I could give any advice to men
Speaker 1: hooking up, which is a fumbly thing to do in
Speaker 1: the beginning, less is more like don't like like the
Speaker 1: teasing thing gets kind of annoying after a while and
Speaker 1: it's not as hot. But if you go like hard
Speaker 1: but with like clothes on, that's very interesting. That's that
Speaker 1: can be very fun because the girls like, just fuck
Speaker 1: me already, and like you just won't and go, I
Speaker 1: don't think you deserve it at and she'll be like,
Speaker 1: what do you want? And you go, I guess I'll
Speaker 1: know what when I see it. And then the girl
Speaker 1: will just make it a fun game. It's so hot,
Speaker 1: just jerk off on her jeans, all right. You lube
Speaker 1: to help your fingers glide over yourtorious lube for yourself. Ladies,
Speaker 1: try masturbating in different positions. Stimulate your clip with other objects.
Speaker 1: You can try grinding against pillows or under a faucet
Speaker 1: in the bathroom. Luigi Luigi's tongue, Luigi's Penis Luigi's asshole.
Speaker 1: Try holding your breath for a short period of time
Speaker 1: as you masturbate, kind of like a choking technique. I
Speaker 1: can't recommend, you know, the suction toys more you know girls,
Speaker 1: but I will say that I have to get the
Speaker 1: Shameless Flirt dildo that has uh like I've shared it before.
Speaker 1: It's green. It's called Shameless Flirt. It's very expensive, but
Speaker 1: if you're someone who has some extra cash, dude, it's By.
Speaker 1: It's By cal Exotics is the nickname of the brand.
Speaker 1: And it it goes it's not just like vibrating. It
Speaker 1: goes like it's like a sledge, like a you know what,
Speaker 1: do they break up? No, no, it's just a let
Speaker 1: me just go get I think I've seen Oh yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1: I got a new one because I lost the charger
Speaker 1: for the first one and so I just had them.
Speaker 1: I had bless Us send me a new one. This one,
Speaker 1: it looks like it's dirty, but I clean it every
Speaker 1: time with a dildo cleaner. So so this is it.
Speaker 1: And watch this. Oh my god, I'm not kidding you.
Speaker 1: The other day Chris was using this on me and
Speaker 1: he had me blindfolded and he goes and we were
Speaker 1: kind of doing a role play where it was like
Speaker 1: someone else was sucking me. He was like letting someone
Speaker 1: else and he was like he's arriving in his chopper. Now.
Speaker 1: I could not stop laughing the entire time because then
Speaker 1: it gets it starts to do a cool beat at
Speaker 1: so there's different settings. Okay, that's the fast and now
Speaker 1: that's the chopper. He's getting ready to leave you. This
Speaker 1: is a beat that actually but by Bees used it
Speaker 1: is I was gonna say the same thing. This was
Speaker 1: off the third epoy come on over, Drumma boy, Drumma
Speaker 1: boy vibrates. I swear to god, I know it seems
Speaker 1: like a lot. And the first time Chris used this,
Speaker 1: I have to say he was like, tell you what
Speaker 1: the funk? I don't like this because it's just no,
Speaker 1: it saves him. This is the one thing I think
Speaker 1: women don't understand about guys. When you were using toys.
Speaker 1: When when we're doing this guy, which that does you
Speaker 1: get a little bit of carpal tunnel like you it
Speaker 1: hurts our hands like and I know as a man
Speaker 1: you should be able to grab a hammer and are
Speaker 1: jerking you off. They get that and they also when
Speaker 1: they're blowing you, they get it. I'm not saying that,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying. I'm just saying, but this is gonna
Speaker 1: save you time. You just put us. But girls, you
Speaker 1: know what you do with this. Girls, if you're buy
Speaker 1: your self, I'm serious, get one of these. Blessa is
Speaker 1: where they sell it. It's called the Shameless for it.
Speaker 1: Keep on your underwear and use your underwear as a
Speaker 1: way to hold it in. So put your underwear about
Speaker 1: like mid thigh, and then the underwear. You can pull
Speaker 1: the underwear up as you're using it, so you don't
Speaker 1: even have to hold it. The underwear works as like
Speaker 1: a harness for it to push it up. And this
Speaker 1: is something I put in after I've stimulated myself clatorially
Speaker 1: enough that I'm like wet and it can go in.
Speaker 1: And I also sometimes use lube just to like get
Speaker 1: it in. If I want one, And you can use
Speaker 1: the serum that I recommend for your face the ordinary.
Speaker 1: You can use that serum as well. This stuff. This
Speaker 1: thing is. So I'll give you one because I have
Speaker 1: an extra one. Yeah, but I just need to get uh,
Speaker 1: I'll give it to you. You can come just down
Speaker 1: and charge it on mine because I only have one charger.
Speaker 1: I'll give you an extra one because I have an
Speaker 1: extra one. But no, but it's dude, this there's no
Speaker 1: likenes for this to it's clean like to me, I mean,
Speaker 1: I'll use anything. I'll use a nine iron. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: actually have a box. You can just pretend like it's clean.
Speaker 1: Even though she listens to the podcast, we can't let her.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. Um. Okay, we have five minutes left.
Speaker 1: Let's get to another story. Can were in? Luigi? Are
Speaker 1: you okay right now? Are you gonna ask us for
Speaker 1: this one thing? Uh? Do you want to read the headline?
Speaker 1: Or it's going to make you look at the answers.
Speaker 1: It'll make me look at the answers. Okay. Social media
Speaker 1: users share the surprising uses for everyday items. Can you guess? Okay? Okay,
Speaker 1: so I'll read the item and then you guys guess what.
Speaker 1: I guess what they're doing? Okay, turning off of it. Well,
Speaker 1: the tiny hole in an airplane window. The tiny hole,
Speaker 1: Oh um, I know, do you know what you're they're
Speaker 1: talking about? It's this little hole that's almost like the
Speaker 1: size of up a pencil lead. Um, probably smaller, like
Speaker 1: a little bit smaller than a mechanical pencil. Lead. Um,
Speaker 1: I would say sharpening sharpening a pencil, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I would say, um uh, just getting a little bit
Speaker 1: more air. Or if you're if you're making plato and
Speaker 1: you want to give the plato ie, you can press
Speaker 1: it against it and it will make it a little eye.
Speaker 1: Good guess. Unfortunately you're wrong. It's to provide ventilation so
Speaker 1: the glass won't Oh. I thought it was like life
Speaker 1: hacks that you can do things that you go what
Speaker 1: is that for? Okay, this makes sense. I would have
Speaker 1: said it was like to depressurize the window a little bit.
Speaker 1: I'm it's to prevent fog. Okay, yes, okay, here here's
Speaker 1: another one, so let's let's start all over. Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: the small extra pocket that's located inside the jeans pocket key, No,
Speaker 1: that's for your buttons. Okay. Actually, it's to provide extra
Speaker 1: support to stop the trousers from ripping in their weak spots. Ah,
Speaker 1: you should put a little pocket about the crotch then,
Speaker 1: because I see so many guys getting holes down there.
Speaker 1: That's true. I used to get those holes there a
Speaker 1: little cocaine there. Yeah, that's where a lot of people
Speaker 1: will put it, which is like the most obvious place.
Speaker 1: It's a great place for key though too. It's a
Speaker 1: little small for a key. Now this yeah deep enough.
Speaker 1: That one's pretty deep, but a hotel key. And these
Speaker 1: are some classic levies from like the eighties. Okay, go on, okay,
Speaker 1: so have you ever seen that small hole next to
Speaker 1: the lock in the padlock? There's like a little tiny hole. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: that's to open it if you don't have the key. Wrong,
Speaker 1: that seems like a way to just breaking like a
Speaker 1: master little key. I'm going to say it's to make
Speaker 1: it so it doesn't flog up. It's to drain water
Speaker 1: and avoid them from going rusty, as well as providing
Speaker 1: a way to oil it. Ah. Interesting, Okay, okay, this one,
Speaker 1: I like this. Should do more of these. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know how many there are, but but I mean
Speaker 1: like this kind of concept quizzing us. Okay, the tiny
Speaker 1: hole next to the camera on your iPhone? Oh that's
Speaker 1: the um wait, let's look. Oh there is a tiny
Speaker 1: hole there. Fog fog another foggy hole Andrew lens for
Speaker 1: what for? Zoom huh for It's for to go on
Speaker 1: a conference call with your boss during COVID. Okay, close
Speaker 1: it's phone. Yeah what wow? Okay, okay, what about Dick
Speaker 1: and everything we're talking about? And I just want to
Speaker 1: thank the Daily Mail for this article. I don't want
Speaker 1: to take any credit. Don't ever thank the Daily Mail.
Speaker 1: They are the worst. Fuck you, Daily Mail. We're stealing
Speaker 1: this from you and you had nothing to do with it.
Speaker 1: They're terrible. But also there might number one new source
Speaker 1: from Alright, fabric swatches provided alongside the spare buttons in
Speaker 1: on new clothes. Um patching up holes? Wait what was it? Fabric?
Speaker 1: What they give you fabric's watches sometimes in a little
Speaker 1: um sewing kit. Right, Yeah, that's to plug up holes. Okay,
Speaker 1: Actually it was news to me too. It's to test
Speaker 1: your cleaning products to ensure that you won't ruin the
Speaker 1: fabric of the full garment. Still, God, there are so
Speaker 1: many dumb things. By the way, a sewing kid in
Speaker 1: the hotels is you never need it. I only use
Speaker 1: those needles to like rip apart my hangnails. I don't
Speaker 1: even know there were needles in there. Oh, there's needles
Speaker 1: and sewing kids all or even like the shoe shine
Speaker 1: fucking rag. That is something like in nice hotels they
Speaker 1: have all these like dumb little things that you're just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: back in the day, they needed that back. And I
Speaker 1: get sad when I walked past a shoeshine place in
Speaker 1: an airport and it's just abandoned like that kid, I know,
Speaker 1: I um do you know. I just want to say
Speaker 1: I'm not saying this as like I used to have
Speaker 1: a joke of it, but I used it was one
Speaker 1: of my favorite jokes I did where I go like,
Speaker 1: I've given like six hand jobs, like back in the day,
Speaker 1: and that was that day was Tuesday. Because when you
Speaker 1: do say back in the day, it's just funny to
Speaker 1: say it's like one day you gave back in the
Speaker 1: day and then yeah and that was recent and it
Speaker 1: was one day. Um, it's like reminding my Shoemore joke.
Speaker 1: That's like I've had sex with like seven people and
Speaker 1: that was like a crazy night. It's like like the
Speaker 1: kind of thing alright, going alright, So the Starbucks cup
Speaker 1: that you have there, the lid, that tiny hole that
Speaker 1: is obviously what not the whole but itself. Okay, what
Speaker 1: can it be used for? I actually saw this one.
Speaker 1: It's like a funnel, right, Andrew. The one I did
Speaker 1: see it's a cup hold like a co coaster. Oh
Speaker 1: for the cup soa no, it's not fit, doesn't really fit.
Speaker 1: I gotta say, it's like it's not fitting bogus all right,
Speaker 1: I guess they're wrong anymore. Oh yeah, okay, this one
Speaker 1: you probably know because I think if I knew it,
Speaker 1: you guys probably know it. The hole in the tab
Speaker 1: on fizzy drink cans. I'm guessing that's just a pressure thing. Well,
Speaker 1: just what can you use it for besides opening the
Speaker 1: cable in the town. Oh, I've seen this before. Use
Speaker 1: it on your zvia cans. I don't know what is it.
Speaker 1: It's for, Um, you can use it for something. So
Speaker 1: some of these are some of these are not? No, no, no?
Speaker 1: What is it? So? If you if you flip it
Speaker 1: all the way towards you, you can use the hole
Speaker 1: to hold your straw so it doesn't like Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I like that one. That's cute. God. I saw a
Speaker 1: really good life hack the other day that I was like, God,
Speaker 1: I can't wait to use that. It was something so
Speaker 1: simple and so smart. Fuck Okay, well that was unhelpful
Speaker 1: to everyone Jesus. Sorry, guys, I thought it was going
Speaker 1: to come to me, but it did not. Um anymore. Okay,
Speaker 1: I have two more real quick um food related Okay.
Speaker 1: The hole in the arm of a pan a pan
Speaker 1: like hang to hang it, hang it. No, it's to
Speaker 1: keep you from having to rest your wooden spoon on
Speaker 1: the side or get a dirty while you're cooking. You can.
Speaker 1: I have a little spoon dish because I hate that.
Speaker 1: We were just talking about that. It gets so dirty
Speaker 1: so fast. But spoon dishes are dope. Um. And there's
Speaker 1: also a lot of cool like appliances or like spoons
Speaker 1: themselves that you can use that like levitates, so they
Speaker 1: don't when you put them down on the counter, they
Speaker 1: don't touch the counter. I mean, I guess they could
Speaker 1: still drip, but it's there's cool technology now. UM. I
Speaker 1: would love to hear anyone send in life hacks any
Speaker 1: of our listeners, just a prompt for some fan trax,
Speaker 1: some lifeas that you either found on TikTok that you
Speaker 1: actually use, or one that you discovered on your own. Um.
Speaker 1: All right, okay, the last one which a chin hole
Speaker 1: on your dog's asshole, close the whole in your pasta spoons. Oh,
Speaker 1: I know that's to measure the amount of pasta that
Speaker 1: is like a half a cup or something, um, the
Speaker 1: serving size for one person. Correct? Yes, yes, so you
Speaker 1: can put in the pasta in it before you even
Speaker 1: cook it. Yeah. Yeah, I had no idea. I didn't
Speaker 1: need to know that either, But that's cool. I know
Speaker 1: that meat is supposed to be a fist, but either.
Speaker 1: You know what, why don't you we all just eat
Speaker 1: until we feel full instead of these measurements, because I
Speaker 1: feel like measurements always bumped me out. I also never
Speaker 1: mind leftovers, like I'm a I'll eat the leftover. I
Speaker 1: like that three hours later. But let's be honest, like
Speaker 1: we all eat left I've never once eaten leftovers the
Speaker 1: next day when I have done that before, because I've
Speaker 1: forgotten about them. It is. I feel like I feel
Speaker 1: like a woman in a movie. That is, like I
Speaker 1: feel like Emily in Paris, and I don't even watch
Speaker 1: that show, but I feel like Lily Collins, like I'm
Speaker 1: just a normal girl who like keeps leftovers and like
Speaker 1: eats it later because never once have I not like
Speaker 1: crept the food is still warm when I'm re eating
Speaker 1: it and I and I take it home from the
Speaker 1: restaurant like I'm such a a civilized woman. I'm helen
Speaker 1: hunting what women want, like I swear to God, like
Speaker 1: I always feel that's the thing that makes me feel
Speaker 1: like more of like a normal woman than anything. And
Speaker 1: I can't even do It's so funny, you say, because well, Brenna,
Speaker 1: we had spaghetti the other night. I but Branna keeps leftovers.
Speaker 1: She did it perfect. She has tupperware, she puts a
Speaker 1: meal prep, but kersen meal prep. She does tuper wear
Speaker 1: with it. She's like, I'm just gonna bring the noodles.
Speaker 1: I was gonna bring this, and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: Like that's a real thing because for us, I feel
Speaker 1: like we either eat it right away or that will
Speaker 1: sit in the fridge for I don't know, nine months. Yes,
Speaker 1: we're very similar. I do want to say to Brenna,
Speaker 1: if she's listening, I will come by your met spots.
Speaker 1: But she seriously is so beautiful that I just know,
Speaker 1: like me looking like and I would. She's my friend,
Speaker 1: so I don't care if she judges me or like
Speaker 1: I'm and I'm not comparing myself to her, but she
Speaker 1: is so beautiful that that type of person greeting me
Speaker 1: after I have like after I'm like, I'm trying to
Speaker 1: be you, and she's like, oh my god, you look,
Speaker 1: how was it? Oh my god, you're gonna love the
Speaker 1: Restulet's like that kind of thing, which she probably doesn't
Speaker 1: talk that way, and like, but I've been to enough
Speaker 1: of these places. There's always a woman older than me
Speaker 1: working the front desk, and that has served me in
Speaker 1: my life. It's interesting because it's like you would think
Speaker 1: it would be the other way around, because you would
Speaker 1: see what you could be. No, and that's what she's there.
Speaker 1: I mean, like that is smart to have like her,
Speaker 1: And but she needs to have a tag that says
Speaker 1: Brenna forty six and then you go, Okay, what did
Speaker 1: that make you feel worse? No, because it makes me
Speaker 1: feel like, oh my god, if you can look like
Speaker 1: that when you're forty six, Yeah, because if it would
Speaker 1: make me feel when I came out of this thing,
Speaker 1: because you always look rough no matter what. After we
Speaker 1: have all this stuff done, you can't expect results right away.
Speaker 1: This isn't like the hair salon. You don't leave like
Speaker 1: I can go to a cocktail party now if you
Speaker 1: leave look like you just got Chris Brown, and so
Speaker 1: you you would just think, oh, I'll look like that
Speaker 1: in the morning, and by the morning you you definitely don't.
Speaker 1: But Brenna is not there anymore, and no one's accountable.
Speaker 1: Um okay, let's go to break and we'll come back
Speaker 1: with why do I care? Why do I care? Well,
Speaker 1: we're skipping why do I care? Today because we talked
Speaker 1: enough about celebrities. Bob Sagan's dead and um let's get
Speaker 1: to Reddit dump. Um my favorite. Can you tell a facial? No,
Speaker 1: you can't know. I'm sorry. You can't tell when people
Speaker 1: get facials unless it's like right after and it's like,
Speaker 1: it's great, it's called diamonds something I don't know. Um,
Speaker 1: this is it's so nice to get a facial. Facials
Speaker 1: are not abrasive ones. I guess this one. They took
Speaker 1: off dead skin, which extractions though, and they pop all
Speaker 1: of your did that? Did they do that for about
Speaker 1: two months? So they didn't have that much. I don't
Speaker 1: get those done anymore. I would actually recommend girls not
Speaker 1: get extractions when they go in for facial and your
Speaker 1: lady will be like, no, what are you doing? I
Speaker 1: don't I've not done an extraction in two years, and
Speaker 1: my supportes have never been smaller, and it's never been better.
Speaker 1: I do think extractions caused the problem that makes you
Speaker 1: need to keep getting facials. But I'm also not an
Speaker 1: institution and I know nothing. Okay, so can next huh
Speaker 1: oh yeah you key mode. This is your I love
Speaker 1: your laugh in the background. Okay, so this is the
Speaker 1: subreddit next fucking level, and this is David Bowie talking
Speaker 1: about the impact of the Internet on society. This is
Speaker 1: pretty good. Yeah, this is back in the day. Sorry once,
Speaker 1: this are so hard to make start. Let me just
Speaker 1: fucking now. I screenshot at it. God damn it, Bowie.
Speaker 1: I don't need this ship that. I don't think we've
Speaker 1: even I think the potential of what the Internet is
Speaker 1: going to do to society, both good and bad, is unimaginable.
Speaker 1: I think we're actually on the cusp of something exhilarating
Speaker 1: and terrifying. It's just a tool, though, isn't it. No,
Speaker 1: it's not. Now, it's an alien life form. What do
Speaker 1: you think I mean when you think about life on mine? Yes,
Speaker 1: it's just landed here. That's it's simply a different delivery system.
Speaker 1: There you're arguing about something more profound. Oh yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: talking about the the the actual context and the state
Speaker 1: of content is going to be so different to anything
Speaker 1: that we can really envisage at the moment when the
Speaker 1: interplay between the user and the provider will be so
Speaker 1: in sympathical, it's going to it's going to crush our
Speaker 1: ideas or what mediums are all about. I mean, I
Speaker 1: just love the idea of cut to some girls showing
Speaker 1: her vagina on TikTok's hilarious. Use the word in visage.
Speaker 1: I want to keep I want to do that work.
Speaker 1: You know what I learned, I need to get into
Speaker 1: Bowie more. I'm not I've never been a Bowie head.
Speaker 1: I do love like so many songs he wrote, and
Speaker 1: then other artists covered, like, um, didn't the Food Fighters
Speaker 1: do a Bowie song? There's like one of their hit
Speaker 1: songs that No I copied his beat no no, no,
Speaker 1: no no and mine, and yeah, that's insane that that
Speaker 1: was ever that was a different song. Um. And then
Speaker 1: also that there was this girl on Howard Stern Show
Speaker 1: that did a cover of Life on Mars It's so beautiful.
Speaker 1: What was her name? And Howard was like talking, daring it,
Speaker 1: but he also loves it. Whatever. Check out life on
Speaker 1: Mars Howard Stern cover and you'll find this girl. Aurora
Speaker 1: is her name, and it's so beautiful. Um let's move on.
Speaker 1: There's a TikTok. This is called TikTok cringe and I
Speaker 1: don't This is often TikTok's that are not cringeing at all.
Speaker 1: They're just cool. This is a guy at Disneyland, and
Speaker 1: I don't know if you'll be It looks like it's
Speaker 1: in fast forward times four, but this is a guy
Speaker 1: that's playing the piano at Disneyland, and he's total savant.
Speaker 1: It says talented Disney playing Disney piano player. Hold on,
Speaker 1: I just want you to hear how fast this fucking is.
Speaker 1: And then at the end he gets even faster. Now
Speaker 1: listen to this needs to bottle that up. Boy, it's
Speaker 1: watching it is so incredible. I I just you know,
Speaker 1: you watch things like that and you go, what am
Speaker 1: I even fucking doing with my life? And I know
Speaker 1: he's like a rain Man types of kind of kid.
Speaker 1: They're they're just he just has to be. It's too wild.
Speaker 1: He's too young to be that fast and that good
Speaker 1: This is from Rare Insults of the kids put the
Speaker 1: cups had the cup stacking kids? Um is that talent
Speaker 1: paying off anymore? Uh? This is from rare Insults cup
Speaker 1: stacking kids. They open for Yeah, you guys, can someone
Speaker 1: please make a lullapaloos at two tho shirt and put
Speaker 1: bit by bees and what was the one I just said,
Speaker 1: stacking cup kids. Let's just start startin. Someone start compiling
Speaker 1: all the band names, and I want to do a
Speaker 1: Nikki Glazer podcast line up. Yeah, let's like interview different
Speaker 1: bands and honestly, you can take other things from our
Speaker 1: show that have been like inside jokes and make them
Speaker 1: into band names, and it would be really funny to
Speaker 1: do like a tour shirt. Preta they're headlining the E
Speaker 1: d M text. Well it's three sisters that have vagina, Okay,
Speaker 1: so ahim drip him? Uh So this is from rare
Speaker 1: Insults subreddit. This is just like funny, Like it's like
Speaker 1: this because it's very specific things, which obviously are the
Speaker 1: best jokes. Uh. So this the headline is this is
Speaker 1: probably the first time I've seen someone take a shot
Speaker 1: at a letter. So this is someone from Twitter. I
Speaker 1: don't know why they ex out their name. But it's
Speaker 1: a screenshot of Twitter and it says Q is too
Speaker 1: high up in the alphabet. I respect it, but it
Speaker 1: has no place between P and R should be at
Speaker 1: the end with the weirdo goth letters. Calling the end
Speaker 1: of alphabet weirdo goth letters like X y Z is
Speaker 1: so funny to me. I loved it so much that
Speaker 1: I did I could see cubi. It doesn't make sense. Um, okay,
Speaker 1: this was belong at the end. So this this was
Speaker 1: from suspiciously specific And this is a um excerpt. It's
Speaker 1: a picture of a book and it's from a book
Speaker 1: called the Manuel the civil Civilite poor le petit fi
Speaker 1: luciage de maison book by Pierre lou Louise. And I
Speaker 1: don't know when it was written, but it seems probably
Speaker 1: and it's and what that translates to is the young
Speaker 1: Girl's Handbook of good Manners. And it was probably from
Speaker 1: back in the day in France. And you can hear
Speaker 1: it from the lay it's written. It says, never ask
Speaker 1: a gentleman, do you need a suck? That is how
Speaker 1: little sweet walks, is how little street walkers express themselves.
Speaker 1: Say in a low voice and in his ear, would
Speaker 1: you like my mouth? If he is a gentleman whom
Speaker 1: you have not previously sucked, and the title of this
Speaker 1: chapter is sucking. If he is a gentleman who whom
Speaker 1: you have not previously sucked, do not start in by
Speaker 1: skillfully licking up and down his prick and behind his balls.
Speaker 1: He would form a bad opinion as to your past.
Speaker 1: Take his prick into your mouth, modestly, lowering your eyes,
Speaker 1: suck slowly, spread your jaws apart so as to not bite,
Speaker 1: and clench your lips so as to not drool. When
Speaker 1: the gentleman is about to come, do not interrupt yourself
Speaker 1: to ask him how his mother is doing, even if
Speaker 1: you had forgotten to do so before. When he ejaculates,
Speaker 1: silently swallow it all to the very last drop, and
Speaker 1: then say something nice about the taste of the liquor
Speaker 1: you just drank. First of all, they wrong, I mean
Speaker 1: that turned me on a lot, right, Yeah. Do I
Speaker 1: feel like language like Shakespearean ship was just a way
Speaker 1: to you know, say pound, you know whatever, like songs
Speaker 1: back back in the day, like we're about sex, like
Speaker 1: but like words like this, it's just so funny. They're
Speaker 1: just they're trying to hide the raunchiness of that humans
Speaker 1: are animals. Yeah, and the guy that wrote that was
Speaker 1: so fucking turned on when he wrote he was such
Speaker 1: a perv. We gotta get to the final thought. Um,
Speaker 1: this is one of the sweetest things ever. This is
Speaker 1: from the I've seen this before and I wanted to
Speaker 1: share it. I don't know if it's going to translate
Speaker 1: to audio. I apologize if it doesn't. Um. This is
Speaker 1: from the subreddit hold up, which means like hold up
Speaker 1: h O l up is. The subreddit is a great
Speaker 1: one to check out, and it's things that like you're
Speaker 1: watching them to the end you're like wait what and
Speaker 1: and there's always a twist. So this is um, I
Speaker 1: think like, uh p s a kind of thing that ran. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it's the audio. I think we'll suffice this ran
Speaker 1: and it's fifty five seconds long, so stay in there
Speaker 1: with me. It's on it RAN. I think in like
Speaker 1: Europe somewhere or in the in the UK. I don't
Speaker 1: remember which because I forget what their accent is like.
Speaker 1: But so it's a pregnant woman in her probably late thirties,
Speaker 1: looks like forty, um at a bus stop and there's
Speaker 1: an old man sitting next to her about three ft
Speaker 1: away on the chip like there's a chair between them,
Speaker 1: her purses on it. And then there's this old man
Speaker 1: that's old without botox, sneaky. Oh sorry, yeah, this's from
Speaker 1: the nineties. She's you're okay? Are you all right? Yeah?
Speaker 1: How far along are you? Well? I was just wondering
Speaker 1: how long? Sorry, trying to cheesy for you to say.
Speaker 1: Finding it tough, you must be exciting. I'm scared everything.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you will be fine. People say that, but
Speaker 1: what if I'm not. I don't manage everyone. Who does?
Speaker 1: Do they? What about your family? It's complicated. You don't
Speaker 1: get along. Me and my dad and he's sick. Okay,
Speaker 1: come along, this is us dad. Come on. The whole time.
Speaker 1: It was her dad and he has Alzheimer's. Isn't that sweet?
Speaker 1: He's just like I love the idea of like she's
Speaker 1: she seems like she's just like over this man talking
Speaker 1: to her, and like just the way you would be
Speaker 1: if an old man started talking to you and you're
Speaker 1: pregnant and you're just like and you're like she's but
Speaker 1: then she gets vulnerable. She's like, I'm worried he's like,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be okay, and she's like, you know, any
Speaker 1: context you put that in, it's like, what do you know,
Speaker 1: fucking old timer's dad that is giving me that I
Speaker 1: have to like change your fucking diaper now, and you
Speaker 1: don't even know who I am or old man who
Speaker 1: doesn't even know who I am? Like what do you know?
Speaker 1: And he's like, what about your family? She says, just
Speaker 1: me and my dad, and then him being like it's
Speaker 1: gonna be okay, and then the bus pulls up and
Speaker 1: she's like, come on down, like it's it's such whoever
Speaker 1: thought of that is brilliant? It is such a sweet twist.
Speaker 1: I loved it so much, isn't it sweet? So you
Speaker 1: can find that if you want to look it up
Speaker 1: and see it for yourself because it's a great video. Um,
Speaker 1: you just search within the subreddit hole up h O
Speaker 1: l U P and it's what a sweet man. And
Speaker 1: then they're they try to do an ellipses like dot
Speaker 1: dot dot, but they use five dot dot dot dot, wait,
Speaker 1: dot dot dot hole up dot dot dot. So that's
Speaker 1: how you can search for it. Um Um, I want
Speaker 1: to share one more thing. Uh, this isn't too afraid
Speaker 1: to ask. Okay, how do orgies end? This person asks,
Speaker 1: like everyone cuddles for a while, or each person walks
Speaker 1: out of the room awkwardly after they've had enough. Great question,
Speaker 1: I thought, how do you guys think? Or I mean,
Speaker 1: I've n and when people come and then they just leave.
Speaker 1: But but I think sometimes, I mean, I'm sure at
Speaker 1: times people come and then just wait around for the end.
Speaker 1: For other sex ends, and I'm just like, all right,
Speaker 1: let's go watch TV, or like like you just kind
Speaker 1: of like laying it for a second. And sometimes you're like,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about it. But sometimes you're just
Speaker 1: like all right, So everyone kind of does their own thing,
Speaker 1: like almost like the way after a game ends. But like, well,
Speaker 1: I think it depends. I think, does everyone come? Is
Speaker 1: it a pickup game? Because a pickup game you don't
Speaker 1: really know the people. Everyone gets together and then you
Speaker 1: just leave separately when the game's over. If it's a
Speaker 1: orgy that's happened multiple times with the same partners, then yeah,
Speaker 1: then you do those things. Then you hang out after
Speaker 1: and get pizza. Yeah, this is brosky too. To five
Speaker 1: says it kind of depends, but usually a bit of
Speaker 1: both based on what you know do. Um. Some people
Speaker 1: will have other things to do that night, like you said,
Speaker 1: or in the morning, so they'll leave when they're done.
Speaker 1: But some people may stay all night and cuddle, etcetera.
Speaker 1: Also depends on the venue, but usually there's a hotel room.
Speaker 1: Someone else said, UM, let me get to the next one. Sorry.
Speaker 1: Uh um. Good game, good game, good game, good game.
Speaker 1: They all like walking alive, orange slices, a sun and capricans.
Speaker 1: A sudden realization that you work with half of these people,
Speaker 1: someone said, cheer on the last people still going like
Speaker 1: it's the Grand National. That's funny. When I was in college,
Speaker 1: I had a job delivering pizza for a while. I
Speaker 1: wants to deliver to pizza to a hotel room. Inside
Speaker 1: we're two couples in their fifties, men and boxers, ladies
Speaker 1: and bras and panties. So it appears that some orgies
Speaker 1: end with pizza and I'm good with that. Um. Or
Speaker 1: maybe the party just started. Where are you going? I
Speaker 1: have to return some videotape. I don't know what that is. Um.
Speaker 1: You know the scene from the Matrix to when Neo
Speaker 1: is fighting all the smiths in the courtyard and Neo
Speaker 1: just flies away and all the Smiths look at each
Speaker 1: other and just shrug and walk away. That or someone
Speaker 1: this is a here's a tribute to Bob Saget. Typically
Speaker 1: someone says, and we call ourselves the Aristocrats, and everyone
Speaker 1: laughs and goes home. If you haven't seen the Aristocrats,
Speaker 1: it was Pop learned like two thousand five, four or five,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say four. It is documentary that came out
Speaker 1: and it's a filthy joke. And there's a documentary and
Speaker 1: Bob Saget's all over. It had a great post about Bob. Yeah,
Speaker 1: let me read it. Um. Yeah, there were some really
Speaker 1: great tributes to Bob that I like, I really loved.
Speaker 1: I loved. Um. Someone said, no one said ever said
Speaker 1: a bad thing about Bob Saggett except his best friends.
Speaker 1: I forgot who said that it was a really good Uh,
Speaker 1: it was a funny person. Um. John made a white
Speaker 1: post that said just it was a blank, I know.
Speaker 1: But this first one said I love you, Bob. I
Speaker 1: will never forget you. I will visit you often in
Speaker 1: my memories, and I hope I get to see you
Speaker 1: in my dreams. I will tell my kids about you.
Speaker 1: I'm taking you with me forever. This I realized John
Speaker 1: Mayer wants kids. I didn't know that, Um. And then
Speaker 1: these are pictures of him and Bob. And by the way,
Speaker 1: as someone who is friends with Bob Saggett, Bob fucking
Speaker 1: loved jhn Mayor like a son. He talked about him
Speaker 1: so glowingly. He Chappelle and John Mayer were the two
Speaker 1: people that he talked about, and he was very defensive
Speaker 1: of and very just he just thinks he like a father.
Speaker 1: Talked about them more so John because I think John
Speaker 1: obviously is younger than Um Chappelle and like, but he
Speaker 1: talked about Chappelle is like a brother and John like
Speaker 1: a son. Like he fucking loved John Mayor. It was
Speaker 1: really sweet. And I think we're going to find out
Speaker 1: that John Mayor is only like two months younger than Chapelle.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think so. But there's just something. Maybe
Speaker 1: John needs a dad more than my brother Bob. He's
Speaker 1: called my brother. My brother Bob was a force of nature,
Speaker 1: a big This is John Mayer, a big, tall love
Speaker 1: monster who had hugged me and rest his head on
Speaker 1: my shoulder. That is that's fucking Bob Sagga for you,
Speaker 1: his love for the I just have to say this
Speaker 1: caption made me feel like I knew him really well
Speaker 1: because I I just knew all this this is so true.
Speaker 1: His love for those around him was always accounted for.
Speaker 1: He was deep and wide and vast. And he would
Speaker 1: probably have a joke about me saying deep and wide,
Speaker 1: because our listeners know Bob Saget could not let a
Speaker 1: sex joke like any He would come in on any
Speaker 1: little thing that was like sexual. It was so funny.
Speaker 1: The man had ranged. I've met many people in my life,
Speaker 1: but when Bob crossed my path, I just held on
Speaker 1: to him and I wasn't letting go. I knew he
Speaker 1: was the realist thing. I would like you to know
Speaker 1: that the man you hope was as awesome as you think,
Speaker 1: was way beyond what you can ever imagine. He was
Speaker 1: impossibly kind and generous and loving. And I have more
Speaker 1: to say, So please let me just do like one
Speaker 1: more of these. Okay, it's just the way it's gonna be, um,
Speaker 1: And yeah, so I look forward to the next one
Speaker 1: from him. But yeah, I just I feel like I
Speaker 1: didn't do a good enough job in saying the things
Speaker 1: I wanted to say about Bob last night. But like
Speaker 1: there's a part of me that feels like, you know,
Speaker 1: I was reading all of these posts Ryan Stout, I
Speaker 1: want to read his as well. Ryan Stout is um
Speaker 1: a friend of mine who is a really hilarious comedian
Speaker 1: and one of you know, one of the people I
Speaker 1: kind of started. I would say, we're in this same class.
Speaker 1: We started around the same time, around the same age.
Speaker 1: UM dated briefly, uh, Ryan Stout said, My first experiences
Speaker 1: touring theaters was opening for Bob all of the fanciest
Speaker 1: Hollywood homes I ever stepped foot in where Because I
Speaker 1: was with Bob, my general understanding of how to navigate comedy,
Speaker 1: show business, and celebrity was developed with Bob's mentorship. He
Speaker 1: was so excited to share and elevate the lives of
Speaker 1: those around him. On dozens of occasions, I heard him
Speaker 1: say the words, I just want people to be happy.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing that really gets me. Every year
Speaker 1: he called me on my birthday, and I wasn't the
Speaker 1: only one. He called a lot of people on their birthday.
Speaker 1: He must have been reaching out to multiple people every day.
Speaker 1: He had so many friends, and he made sure to
Speaker 1: check in on all of them, which is such a
Speaker 1: gift because now in his passing, his memory is a
Speaker 1: bridge that allows so many of us to check in
Speaker 1: with each other. I'm not in the habit of taking
Speaker 1: pictures with people, but over the years I happened to
Speaker 1: collect a few with Bob. The blurry one is from
Speaker 1: our first show together. I ended up opening for Bob
Speaker 1: a few times that last year, and quite frankly, it
Speaker 1: was my first year or that year was my first
Speaker 1: year in Los Angeles, and I wouldn't have survived it
Speaker 1: without without him. Love you, Bobby. Um. So many people
Speaker 1: felt the same way that I felt about Bob and
Speaker 1: and felt like loved by him and just just like
Speaker 1: this fatherly thing that like, I don't know, I keep
Speaker 1: thinking like of people that I'm just as close as
Speaker 1: I was to Bob too, and if they died, would
Speaker 1: I have the same reaction. I think so. But there's
Speaker 1: something else about Bob that was there was even though
Speaker 1: it was just deeper, there was something so um you know,
Speaker 1: I said it yesterday. I just felt like he loved
Speaker 1: me and would have done he would have dropped anything
Speaker 1: to be there for me. In fact, he kind of did,
Speaker 1: like when I would having all those cameras around me.
Speaker 1: For a while, he did a couple of face times
Speaker 1: with me. We had to like reshoot them, and he
Speaker 1: was always available, always cool about it, stayed on the
Speaker 1: phone with me way longer than he needed to. And
Speaker 1: I'm so glad because I have these two face times
Speaker 1: with him that you're gonna see in the thing that
Speaker 1: eventually comes out with the cameras around me, where Bob
Speaker 1: is giving me advice and we're cracking up together. And
Speaker 1: Bob was the one that was like, do you want
Speaker 1: to screenshot this conversation so that you can use it
Speaker 1: as footage? And we were already shooting it, like with
Speaker 1: a camera on the side, and I thought, and they
Speaker 1: were like, no, you don't need to. But because Bob
Speaker 1: said that, I started screenshotting it and now I'm able
Speaker 1: to like I probably wouldn't have the footage and that ever,
Speaker 1: but now I have the footage of me having these
Speaker 1: like great conversations with him, and um My buddy opened.
Speaker 1: Brendan Air was on our you Up. He opened for Bob.
Speaker 1: That's the first time I ever met Bob Zaggy. I
Speaker 1: went and watched Brendon open for him at Westbury in
Speaker 1: Long Island and already came to actually, so we both
Speaker 1: got to meet Bob Sagging, and I remember we were
Speaker 1: like so nervous because we were still like probably three
Speaker 1: or four years in and Brendan's mom came to one
Speaker 1: of his shows and he actually writes about it and insting,
Speaker 1: but Bob made sure the meet and greet didn't start
Speaker 1: before Brendan's mom came back to me eat him and
Speaker 1: like tell him how great her son is and made
Speaker 1: sure to like no hold off everyone, like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: like make this special for your family and stuff. I
Speaker 1: don't know. It's just like a little thing that he
Speaker 1: didn't have to do that made him think outside himself
Speaker 1: in that moment. And he remember Ari was leaving early
Speaker 1: because they were like two shows or whatever to go
Speaker 1: do some shitty gig in like a shitty barb are
Speaker 1: you actually wrote me, and Bob was just giving him
Speaker 1: so much shit. He's like, why would you go and
Speaker 1: do a show for three people not listening when you
Speaker 1: can hang out here with us and have a good
Speaker 1: time giving were like, I don't know, just a memory
Speaker 1: like the first time like meeting him, and like just
Speaker 1: like it just shows though like so many fucking huge
Speaker 1: comedians wouldn't fucking take time to meet your mind like
Speaker 1: thought than he never he was and his friends with
Speaker 1: fucking everyone. Every famous person knows Bob Saget and loved
Speaker 1: him and um, and he was nice to everyone, to everyone.
Speaker 1: And I'm really wanting to get a sweatshirt made with
Speaker 1: Bob Saget on it. I don't know why is that cheesy?
Speaker 1: Like a cool old timing, like you know America's funniest
Speaker 1: home videos like just his you know, like cool sweatshirts,
Speaker 1: like a meal made of his dad. Like I really
Speaker 1: want a Bob Saget sweatshirt because I just want to, Like,
Speaker 1: I want people to go, I like your sweatshirt and
Speaker 1: be like, let's just talk about Bob, not so I
Speaker 1: can brag about being friends with him, just to be like,
Speaker 1: I just want to I want to talk. He has
Speaker 1: one of those faces. The more photos I see, it's
Speaker 1: just like and that's why he was a Danny tan,
Speaker 1: That's why he begins and he aged so handsomely like
Speaker 1: he was. He was boyish in the beginning, big like
Speaker 1: a big he was such a softie. Um, I'm so
Speaker 1: glad the world that everyone that listened to the podcast.
Speaker 1: So many of our besties like reached out to me,
Speaker 1: and so many people. I don't know why. This was
Speaker 1: so heartening to me, And it's kind of a brag
Speaker 1: I probably got. We have to wrap. I probably got
Speaker 1: upwards of fifty and that is not an exaggeration. People
Speaker 1: saying you were the first person I thought of when
Speaker 1: I heard Bob Second died. And for some reason that
Speaker 1: makes me feel so fucking good because I'm not crazy
Speaker 1: in thinking that he meant a lot to me, because
Speaker 1: I think that, you know, I think the people he's
Speaker 1: closest with probably didn't know how special our relationship was.
Speaker 1: That's the thing that bothers me is that, like, you know,
Speaker 1: when Harris Whittles died, Harris and I like had a
Speaker 1: secret relationship. I would always sneak in through the back
Speaker 1: of his door to like hook up with him, like
Speaker 1: we just didn't. I never was out with him in public.
Speaker 1: We would always like talk on a I am and
Speaker 1: then I'd go over late at night and night leave.
Speaker 1: And so when he died, there was no one to
Speaker 1: like validate, Like when I was really sad his friend,
Speaker 1: like showing up his funeral, people would have been like
Speaker 1: did you even know him? It's like, funk, we we
Speaker 1: just had this and not that Bob second and I
Speaker 1: had a friendship. We actually had a friendship mostly on air.
Speaker 1: But um, you just I don't know what it is
Speaker 1: where you just don't feel justified. Um, but I do.
Speaker 1: And I'm a song is coming out about him pretty
Speaker 1: soon and I'm going to try to put it on
Speaker 1: Spotify and everything and you can listen to it and
Speaker 1: it's it's a great song that I did not write,
Speaker 1: but I you know, wrote the lyrics too. I'll talked
Speaker 1: to Trevor to by Bees. Maybe not doing it cover,
Speaker 1: but like letting it Yeah, I mean I would love
Speaker 1: him to do the bass track on Yeah. Song for
Speaker 1: Bob is what I called it. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for this extended episode that went a little bit longer. Um,
Speaker 1: love you guys so much, don't We'll be here tomorrow.
Speaker 1: I'll have a be stung face and Chip