1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,360 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space. 12 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,760 Speaker 1: The more we pour into ourselves, the easier it is 13 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 1: for us to bounce back. So, as you were talking 14 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 1: about all the things that you've been through this year, right, 15 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,159 Speaker 1: part of how you've been able to bounce back, and 16 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: I've been a witness to it, part of how you've 17 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: been able to bounce back is because you have made 18 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: it a priority to pour into yourself. You have said, 19 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 1: Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women 20 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 1: like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard, a college 21 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,480 Speaker 1: professor and psychologist. 22 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 23 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:21,000 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please 24 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 25 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 2: fiboys to fake friends, and create a safe space where 26 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 2: black women can. 27 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: Just be to anyone out there who's hurting. It's not 28 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:40,200 Speaker 1: a sign of weakness to ask for help. It's a 29 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: sign of strength. That quote comes to us from our 30 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:51,840 Speaker 1: forever President, Barack Obama. The notion of asking for help, 31 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: that reminder that we don't have to do it alone. 32 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:04,960 Speaker 1: It's so important, and I think about it. It resonates 33 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: a lot with me because over the last few weeks 34 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 1: we've gotten news of a couple of mental health professionals 35 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:21,200 Speaker 1: who committed suicide, one of them being one of the 36 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 1: leaders in suicide prevention. What it does for me, what 37 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,360 Speaker 1: it brings up for me, is it serves as a 38 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:34,639 Speaker 1: reminder that we all have to take care of ourselves 39 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: and that the helpers need help too. And figuring out 40 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:50,040 Speaker 1: what does that really look like one of the things 41 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 1: that I think about. We don't often ask people directly, 42 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: how are you really doing? Are you suicidal? And if 43 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: they say yes, how do we respond to them? Lady, 44 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: If you're listening and that's something that you're thinking, about 45 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:26,959 Speaker 1: There is help out there. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline. 46 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,839 Speaker 1: We've provided that number on our show before, but I'll 47 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,440 Speaker 1: give it to you again. That number is one eight 48 00:03:33,639 --> 00:03:38,720 Speaker 1: hundred two seven three Talk again. That's one eight hundred 49 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: two seven three Talk and twenty four to seven. That 50 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 1: line is available to you to talk to someone and 51 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 1: get help. If you are at a space where you 52 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 1: are thinking of taking your life but you don't feel comfortable, 53 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 1: safe enough, whatever it is that's keeping you from sharing 54 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,640 Speaker 1: it with the people in your world, know that there 55 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: is always somebody out there who would be willing to listen. Tee, 56 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: I know that's like who It's pretty heavy, it is. 57 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 2: It's sad too, because I always think about people that 58 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,920 Speaker 2: are in those moments, and I don't know if everybody 59 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 2: feels this way, but I'm just like, I just wish, 60 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,240 Speaker 2: you know, we could save them, you know, I just 61 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:26,799 Speaker 2: wish we could be there for them. And I think 62 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,599 Speaker 2: it takes a lot for someone to be in that 63 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 2: place where you're like, you know what, I'm just ready 64 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,159 Speaker 2: to not be here anymore, you know. And people, I 65 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,320 Speaker 2: think sometimes there are conversations around suicide where it's a 66 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 2: bit victim blaming, or you're like, oh, why would you 67 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,240 Speaker 2: do that? Your family loves you, but it's like when 68 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,160 Speaker 2: you're in a place where you are just over it 69 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,840 Speaker 2: and you're just tired and you don't see a way out. 70 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,880 Speaker 2: I don't think people are thinking about their family in 71 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,720 Speaker 2: that way, right, Or sometimes you're just like I don't 72 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 2: want to be a burden. And I think back to 73 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,599 Speaker 2: when I had I was suicidal as a kid because 74 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,680 Speaker 2: of you know, coming from like a rough upbringing and 75 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,440 Speaker 2: a very abusive household. My older sister and we would 76 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,600 Speaker 2: always we talk about that often and like we either 77 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 2: wanted to run away or wanted to harm ourselves to 78 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:10,120 Speaker 2: escape what we were experiencing. But I think in adulthood 79 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:13,720 Speaker 2: the last time I remember very vividly being suicide. I 80 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:17,919 Speaker 2: was in college and I had my dad had passed 81 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,000 Speaker 2: away a month before I went away to school, and 82 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,960 Speaker 2: my mom and my grandmother they ended up driving me 83 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,040 Speaker 2: up to college because I decided to continue on to 84 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,919 Speaker 2: school because I knew that if I didn't go, I 85 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 2: probably wouldn't finish. And I was like, my degree is 86 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,480 Speaker 2: my ticket out of here, like out of poverty. I 87 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 2: need to go to school and figure this out. So 88 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 2: I ended up going away to college, and then about 89 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,600 Speaker 2: a year after I believe, yeah, I was about a 90 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:42,159 Speaker 2: year after that. Then my mom got locked up, and 91 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 2: so I was in school trying to figure out, Okay, 92 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 2: how am I going to pay for school because I 93 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,280 Speaker 2: don't have my dad here, my mom's not here. I 94 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,159 Speaker 2: ended up filing as an independent in college, so that 95 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 2: meant I got a little bit more financial aid, but 96 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,039 Speaker 2: it still wasn't enough. I had to take out mad loans, 97 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 2: and so at one point they had sent out a 98 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 2: notice saying, Okay, in order for you to attend school 99 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,960 Speaker 2: this semester or this year or whatever it was, we 100 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 2: need ten thousand dollars for you. And I was just like, 101 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,320 Speaker 2: I barely have ten dollars in my bank account. And 102 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,480 Speaker 2: I remember being so stressed out about this invoice, and 103 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,280 Speaker 2: in my opinion and where I was in my journey, 104 00:06:15,279 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 2: I felt like I was trying to take two steps 105 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,360 Speaker 2: forward and I would get kicked back like ten steps. 106 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 2: And it felt like every single time I tried to 107 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,840 Speaker 2: go forward, it was always something else, and I was 108 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,159 Speaker 2: just like, what the fuck, Like it's something out in 109 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,040 Speaker 2: the universe saying like, we don't want you to make 110 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,480 Speaker 2: it because I couldn't understand. And I believe I was 111 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 2: eighteen at the time, and I was taking care of 112 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 2: my younger siblings, driving home on the weekends to take 113 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 2: care of them make sure they were good while I 114 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 2: was in school since our mom wasn't there. And one 115 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,800 Speaker 2: day I was home alone and I was just so overwhelmed. 116 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,720 Speaker 2: M I was just like, I don't know how I'm 117 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 2: going to pay for this. If I get kicked out 118 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 2: of school, there's nothing for me at home. What am 119 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,440 Speaker 2: I going to do? And I remember praying and crying, 120 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:56,200 Speaker 2: and I was at home in my bathroom and I 121 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,039 Speaker 2: remember just crying on the bathroom floor. I was just 122 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 2: over it, and I was like, okay. I pulled myself 123 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 2: up off the floor and I was like, I'm just 124 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,799 Speaker 2: going to go take all the medicine in my mom's 125 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 2: medicine cabinet in her room. So I had made my 126 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,159 Speaker 2: way out of my bathroom and I was on my 127 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 2: way to her room and my little brother I heard 128 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,480 Speaker 2: his voice outside and so I stopped, looked out the 129 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,040 Speaker 2: window and I saw him running up to the house. 130 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,280 Speaker 2: I stopped. I was like, I can't do this right now, 131 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 2: Like they're coming home for some reason, and so I 132 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,559 Speaker 2: remember shutting my door and I cried on my floor 133 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 2: because they were all coming in the house, and I 134 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,560 Speaker 2: was like, Okay, I need to have this moment by myself. 135 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 2: And I just cried on the floor and I was 136 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 2: just I guess in that moment, I found hope. And 137 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,040 Speaker 2: so for me, that hope was my why, and that 138 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,720 Speaker 2: was my siblings, and I began to look at life differently, 139 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 2: and I just kind of had this epiphany where I'm like, 140 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,360 Speaker 2: I can't take my life because what are my younger 141 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 2: siblings going to do without me? And they needed me. 142 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,400 Speaker 2: I just saw them in a different way. I saw 143 00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 2: myself in a different way. And so that was a 144 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,800 Speaker 2: moment that I remember very clearly on when I was 145 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,600 Speaker 2: I was like so close, sound like it was going 146 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,400 Speaker 2: to be over. And if my brother hadn't come home, 147 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 2: I don't know what would have happened. But I remember 148 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 2: being so low and being so hopeless, and so I 149 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 2: know what it's like to be there, and it's very 150 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 2: challenging to just talk someone off. You know, many of 151 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,760 Speaker 2: us probably know people that are that have been suicidal 152 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,800 Speaker 2: or that are struggling with suicidal ideations, and sometimes a 153 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 2: conversation with a loved one and trying to talk them 154 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,920 Speaker 2: out of it isn't really enough, and I think professional 155 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 2: help is sometimes really necessary for that. 156 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: It's definitely necessary. And I think the thing that you 157 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 1: touched on is one of the things that we pay 158 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 1: attention to when we're assessing for someone who may be 159 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,200 Speaker 1: suicidal or has indicated that they are suicidal. It is 160 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 1: a sign of hope. And usually once when someone has 161 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 1: a sign of hope, something that they're looking forward to, 162 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,559 Speaker 1: the smallest thing that they might be looking forward to, 163 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,600 Speaker 1: that's the thing that you get them to focus on, right. 164 00:08:54,480 --> 00:09:02,079 Speaker 1: And so when we think about shifting the conversation two 165 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 1: away from suicide to building up hope, I think that's 166 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,640 Speaker 1: the piece that is that's that's literally what saves people 167 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:21,520 Speaker 1: is that hope and that small little thing can start 168 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: to add to and build up resilience. And so when 169 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: you think about where you were then in that moment 170 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 1: and that was and as you're sharing that, like, I 171 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,199 Speaker 1: can tell that that was like a really really tough moment, right, 172 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 1: but you found that hope, And so talk to me 173 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 1: about how did you get to where you are now? 174 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,160 Speaker 1: Like how did you build up that resilience muscle. 175 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 2: So I I don't know. Don let me know if 176 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 2: this makes sense. But I think that there were so 177 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 2: many instances in life where there's a quote that says, 178 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,839 Speaker 2: so you don't know how strong you are until being 179 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 2: strong is the only option. And I think that I 180 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 2: was sometimes in life just forced to be resilient because 181 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 2: I remember growing up in church, I always heard that 182 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:19,480 Speaker 2: if you commit suicide, you're going to go to Hell, 183 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 2: and whether it's true or not, that hearing that for 184 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,439 Speaker 2: me scared me. And so oftentimes when I did feel suicidal, 185 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,680 Speaker 2: I didn't do it because I was like, damn, I 186 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:30,440 Speaker 2: don't want to go to hell right now. That last 187 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 2: time I told you about when I was eighteen, I 188 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,559 Speaker 2: didn't really care. At that point. I was like, I'm 189 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 2: just over this. Life is too hard. I don't think 190 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,720 Speaker 2: that I'm just trying to think of like resilience. I 191 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 2: think that I was sort of sort of forced to 192 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,240 Speaker 2: become resilient and bounce back because I didn't have a choice. 193 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,560 Speaker 2: That's what I saw people around me doing. That's what 194 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,719 Speaker 2: my dad did when my mom went away, and he 195 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 2: had to just figure it out, and my sister and 196 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 2: I had to change diapers, and we had to like 197 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 2: help raise the kids. I mean, we just we just 198 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 2: kept it moving, and it was like, all right, this 199 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 2: is what we do, I guess. And so I think 200 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 2: a lot of it came from that, and so I 201 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 2: was able to build that muscle. So now in life 202 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 2: when things happen, I'm able to just bounce back because 203 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,600 Speaker 2: of the past experiences. So it's kind of like a 204 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 2: blessing in disguise in some ways. 205 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 1: So you were okay, so you were forced to, but 206 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,280 Speaker 1: in that moment when you were forced to, what was 207 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:22,920 Speaker 1: that like. 208 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,400 Speaker 2: I mean, I'm trying to remember. I'm thinking back to 209 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,000 Speaker 2: being a kid, like being eight and nine and having 210 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,439 Speaker 2: to help out with my little sister who was like 211 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 2: a brand new baby and all that, and I don't 212 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,679 Speaker 2: really remember back then. I think for me, there was 213 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,640 Speaker 2: a lot Kids are resilient, right, I feel like kids 214 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 2: are resilient by nature, right yep, and even animals in 215 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 2: some cases, like they're just resilient by nature. And I 216 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:49,760 Speaker 2: think just I don't know, it just was then, but 217 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,400 Speaker 2: I think now as an adult, when things happen, I 218 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:57,720 Speaker 2: am sort of programmed to bounce back. It doesn't always 219 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,559 Speaker 2: happen as nat like it doesn't always happen the way 220 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 2: that it did before because life hit you differently, right, 221 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,439 Speaker 2: and so different things happen, and so I think for 222 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,600 Speaker 2: me oftentimes it's I give myself space and time to process, 223 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:12,560 Speaker 2: like what happened? How do I feel? Where am I at? 224 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 2: You know what's coming up for me? I do all that, 225 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,560 Speaker 2: and then I'm in at action plan mode. Okay, what 226 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 2: are we going to do? Like how are we going 227 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,440 Speaker 2: to overcome? What is the plan? Because I don't like 228 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,120 Speaker 2: to be down for too long, So I don't know 229 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 2: if that answers the question. 230 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 1: But. 231 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,320 Speaker 2: Kind of what are you trying to get at? 232 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,240 Speaker 1: So when you so you're saying like you bounce back 233 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 1: and you just keep going right? What does that? What 234 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:41,240 Speaker 1: does that really look like? So as an adult, does 235 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: that look like? Well, I'm going to get up and 236 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,240 Speaker 1: I'm going to show up at work even though I 237 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: feel like a mess on the inside. I might even 238 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,959 Speaker 1: look a mess on the outside, but I'm going to 239 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 1: show up and I'm going to keep showing up until 240 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 1: each day gets a little bit easier. Or does that 241 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:03,160 Speaker 1: mean that you're gonna take some time and you're gonna 242 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,400 Speaker 1: give yourself a mental health day or two or three, 243 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:11,080 Speaker 1: pull yourself together, meaning like maybe you spend some time journaling, 244 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,160 Speaker 1: maybe you spend some time crying. You know, you just 245 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:18,400 Speaker 1: spend some time with self, and then you get up 246 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 1: when you feel like you've got it all out, you 247 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 1: get up and go back to your norm. 248 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,040 Speaker 2: Okay, there's a lot there, and I think you hit 249 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 2: the nail on the head with some of that. But 250 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 2: what I'll say is one thing I noticed is that 251 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 2: oftentimes there's a higher vision that I'm holding for myself 252 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 2: that motivates me to continue to go. So even though 253 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 2: so I like, I like to think of it as 254 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,320 Speaker 2: a journey, Like we're on the freeway right I'm in 255 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 2: my car. An obstacle gets to the way, and we'll 256 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 2: talk about this year because I didn't face a great 257 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 2: amount of obstacles to talk about right now, So let's 258 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,440 Speaker 2: talk about the infertility struggles, which we talked about on 259 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 2: one of our last episodes Lady in season three. So 260 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,439 Speaker 2: the infertility struggles, right, that was one thing. Then right 261 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,960 Speaker 2: after that it was okay, got pregnant, then at a miscarriage, 262 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,320 Speaker 2: and then right after that, a month later, my grandmother 263 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,720 Speaker 2: who's like my mom, she's been like my everything, you know, 264 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:14,280 Speaker 2: the greatest maternal influence in my life, she passes away 265 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,720 Speaker 2: and I'm like, what the fuck? And so in those situations, 266 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 2: it was so fucking hard. It was so hard to 267 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,720 Speaker 2: go through all of that back to back. And I 268 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,360 Speaker 2: think some of the keys for me were like giving 269 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 2: myself space, like for me, resilience. And people say this 270 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,120 Speaker 2: to me a lot, because I've had a very, very 271 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 2: challenging life that has blessed me with great opportunities to 272 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 2: grow and forgive and like, god damn, you know what 273 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,080 Speaker 2: I mean, Like, it's been tough, And. 274 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: That's resilience right there, right, So you just displayed it. 275 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,160 Speaker 1: And you were sitting here talking about all of these 276 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 1: trials and tribulations and traumas and stress that you have 277 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: been through all of this hard shit, right and you 278 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 1: viewed it from such you framed it from such a 279 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:07,800 Speaker 1: positive perspective. You said, I've been through some shit, but 280 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: it allowed me to grow. That's resilience, to be able 281 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,320 Speaker 1: to acknowledge that, yeah, I've been through some fucked up 282 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,880 Speaker 1: shit in life. Some of this trauma could have taken 283 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,840 Speaker 1: me out, and at times maybe it has taken me out, 284 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,120 Speaker 1: but I'm using this all as opportunities to grow. 285 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 2: I would even add on to that saying it's about 286 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 2: the perspective. Sometimes you don't get the perspective right away 287 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,280 Speaker 2: because I ain't eve gonna front like when I'm when 288 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,240 Speaker 2: I'm in the shit all the time, I don't have 289 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,800 Speaker 2: that perspective. But I think it's the perspective at some point, 290 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 2: like we get it at some point, and then also 291 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 2: the action, like what are you going to do? And 292 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 2: so I think about that analogy that we're on the freeway, 293 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,720 Speaker 2: you face an obstacle, it's okay to pull over on 294 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 2: the side of the road and give yourself a fucking break. 295 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,200 Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we don't do that. We feel like, oh, 296 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 2: I gotta be go, go go. And people often say 297 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 2: they like, oh, you're so strong, and I understand what 298 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 2: they're saying, and I appreciate. I think it's a very 299 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 2: nice gesture. But sometimes sometimes a bitch don't feel like 300 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 2: being strong, okay, Like sometimes I'm like over the strong shit, okay, 301 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 2: Like I just want to be a human and be 302 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,040 Speaker 2: fucking weak, and I'm like very I just want to cry. 303 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,480 Speaker 2: I just want to be you know, I don't want 304 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 2: to have to be everything to everybody. I have to 305 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 2: be the adult in a lot of these situations because 306 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 2: I never had a chance to kind of, like, you know, 307 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 2: really be a child in childhood. So sometimes it's like, okay, thanks, 308 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 2: but I don't want to always be strong, and so 309 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 2: I think it's all about pulling over on the side 310 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 2: of the road and regrouping. So for me, that looked like, 311 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,760 Speaker 2: you know, with the miscarriage and my grandmother and all that, 312 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 2: it looked like me taking personal days from work, talking 313 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,480 Speaker 2: to my manager saying I need help, Like I don't 314 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 2: have a problem with that today. I used to feel like, oh, 315 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 2: I'm going to be a burden on people, but today 316 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,400 Speaker 2: I'm like, I need help, y'all. Okayist about to go 317 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 2: crazy over here, Like help me out, give me some support, 318 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 2: like I'm okay. Saying what I need and advocating for 319 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,320 Speaker 2: those needs. So I think that's important. And then also, 320 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,800 Speaker 2: what is that vision, Like what is that vision that 321 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 2: you have that you're you know, some times we're afraid 322 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,240 Speaker 2: to tell people because it's so big and it's so scary, 323 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,879 Speaker 2: and maybe we don't know how people are gonna take it. Like, 324 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,600 Speaker 2: what is that vision? What's that vision? That you are, 325 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:12,080 Speaker 2: that you think about before going to sleep in night. 326 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 2: You're like, oh, damn, I really wish, I really wish 327 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,719 Speaker 2: one day, you know, I could have my own business, 328 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,359 Speaker 2: or I could write my book, or I could have 329 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,560 Speaker 2: my own practice, or I could get this degree, or 330 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 2: I could have that family or have that love. Whatever 331 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 2: that vision is, I think not losing sight of the vision. 332 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,680 Speaker 2: So when things happened over the course of this journey 333 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,399 Speaker 2: and the course of these past hard as months, I 334 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,399 Speaker 2: had that vision and I was like, all right, vision, 335 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 2: I see you. I see you in the GPS as 336 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,479 Speaker 2: I'm in the whip. But I got to pull this 337 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,160 Speaker 2: bad boy over and I got to take a little 338 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 2: break because your girl got to get some gas. I 339 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,159 Speaker 2: gotta refuse, I gotta refresh, I gotta do all this 340 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,240 Speaker 2: and so that's part of it. But also sometimes you 341 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,359 Speaker 2: got to call triple A, Like I've had to call 342 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 2: my support system, whether it's my therapist or my coach 343 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,480 Speaker 2: or the people in my corner, like that all helps. 344 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 2: I would be a silly person to say that this 345 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 2: journey of me going through all these situations in life, 346 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,879 Speaker 2: I'm writing my books, I'll be able to talk about 347 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 2: all of that there. But I would be silly to 348 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,240 Speaker 2: say that it was a one woman's story, like I'm 349 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 2: my own you. 350 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,879 Speaker 1: Know entity, like you yesself. 351 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 2: It's definitely been a village of whether it's like a 352 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,400 Speaker 2: stranger on the street, like I've met people in different 353 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,760 Speaker 2: situations in life that have inspired me. So whether it's 354 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,159 Speaker 2: someone just letting me know, like I see you, like 355 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,760 Speaker 2: I see all that you're going through and I see 356 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,040 Speaker 2: some greatness here and I'm like, oh, child, I needed 357 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,720 Speaker 2: that today. So whatever it might be, But I think 358 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 2: it all boils down to what is the vision that 359 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,199 Speaker 2: you have for yourself or if you don't have the 360 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,480 Speaker 2: vision yet, what kind of life do you want to lead? 361 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,640 Speaker 2: Right or what kind of life don't you want to lead? 362 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 2: So that can inspire you to keep on pushing to 363 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:45,359 Speaker 2: get to somewhere where you are happy or whatever that 364 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,439 Speaker 2: might be. So I think that that's kind of what 365 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,720 Speaker 2: it boils down to for me. 366 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think there were lots of nuggets in 367 00:18:52,560 --> 00:19:00,040 Speaker 1: there right of how to build that resilience muscle. So 368 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,959 Speaker 1: the asking for help peace, that goes back to our 369 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:10,359 Speaker 1: quote of the day from Barack Obama. That is a 370 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:16,560 Speaker 1: sign of strength right there to ask for help. As 371 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:20,560 Speaker 1: black women, we have been socialized to think that we 372 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,440 Speaker 1: got to do it all for everybody, and. 373 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,680 Speaker 2: People have depended on us to be that person too, 374 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:29,040 Speaker 2: Like even from young kids, you know, oh, I'm trained 375 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 2: up to serve everybody in the family. I'm serving the men, 376 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,919 Speaker 2: I'm serving the kids, serving everybody. And it's like, well, 377 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,280 Speaker 2: when are you going to serve yourself? 378 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:40,240 Speaker 1: And you cannot serve your serve anyone else if you 379 00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:45,440 Speaker 1: have not served yourself first. I always use this analogy 380 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:51,000 Speaker 1: of like being on the airplane and they tell you 381 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: put your own oxygen mask on first before you assist 382 00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:01,200 Speaker 1: anybody else. So you have to pour into you before 383 00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: you can take care of anybody else. And so when 384 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:13,640 Speaker 1: we think about how do we really tap into that resilience, 385 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,960 Speaker 1: because all of us got that bounce back, Yes, it 386 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:20,640 Speaker 1: is in all of us. And so lady, if you're 387 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:24,160 Speaker 1: sitting at home right now and you're like, man, shit 388 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:30,520 Speaker 1: is rough and I don't know know that, you do 389 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:34,960 Speaker 1: have that bounce back, and you can make that decision 390 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:40,760 Speaker 1: right now to say I'm going to bounce back. I'm 391 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,879 Speaker 1: about to get right now in my head, I'm killing 392 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:47,960 Speaker 1: that juvenile song bounce back and so even like little 393 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,200 Speaker 1: things like that, like having like a little theme song 394 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 1: playing in your head of what you can do to 395 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,440 Speaker 1: keep moving forward, and the other thing I'm going to 396 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,719 Speaker 1: add on to that, like, I let's be real, right, 397 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,680 Speaker 1: because sometimes people have these conversations about the flowery Oh 398 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,280 Speaker 1: just be positive and. 399 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,199 Speaker 2: Oh, we're just gonna be motivational, and sometimes it's like 400 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 2: I have been not that's not because people talk about it. 401 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 2: Because people talk about it and it's like fluffy, like 402 00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:18,800 Speaker 2: oh my god, you just gotta believe in yourself, and 403 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 2: it's like no, but sometimes like let me just be real, 404 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,040 Speaker 2: like can we just be real for a second, Like 405 00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:26,440 Speaker 2: I know what it's like to be, like I want 406 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 2: to be. I'm out this bitch, Like it is fucking hard, Okay, 407 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:32,159 Speaker 2: I know what it's like to have the vision, but 408 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,640 Speaker 2: to lose that shit because life didn't happen and shit 409 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 2: that you never expected to even happen has happened in 410 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,120 Speaker 2: your life and you're just like how did I get here? 411 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,000 Speaker 2: Why am I here? I'm tired, like I have more 412 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 2: month than money, Like I feel like throwing in the talent. 413 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 2: Let's let's not make this glamorous because it always It 414 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,720 Speaker 2: isn't always glamorous, right, Sometimes you get down to the 415 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,600 Speaker 2: to the bottom and you are at your lowest and 416 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 2: that's real, and that is like what many of us experience. 417 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,359 Speaker 2: And I think in those situations, what I found was 418 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:03,679 Speaker 2: so helpful is community. And so if you're lonely, I know, 419 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,439 Speaker 2: we had some women reach out to instead of like 420 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 2: in the Midwest, and they don't have people around them, 421 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,200 Speaker 2: if you can tap into an online community, a great church, 422 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 2: some kind of like toast Masters, I mean, some kind 423 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 2: of community with positive people. What I realized for me 424 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,960 Speaker 2: like church has been very important to me in my life, 425 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 2: you know, because I grew up in church and I 426 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,280 Speaker 2: have so many great mentors and advisors in church that 427 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,840 Speaker 2: have helped me. But sometimes you have to lean on 428 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,960 Speaker 2: other people for the vision. So sometimes it's like you 429 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,120 Speaker 2: got to take off your shades or your glasses because 430 00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:36,359 Speaker 2: they're so fogged up, they're so filled with all the 431 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,240 Speaker 2: shit you've been going through, and you have to put 432 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,479 Speaker 2: on someone else's glasses that sees the vision for you. 433 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,879 Speaker 2: And I know for me, my pastors and what I 434 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,600 Speaker 2: call my spiritual parents, that there was a time in 435 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 2: my life where they saw a vision in me. I 436 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,480 Speaker 2: couldn't see it for myself. I didn't see me being 437 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,360 Speaker 2: a speaker and writing books, and I didn't have confidence 438 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 2: to do a lot of this stuff, and so I 439 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,800 Speaker 2: had to go to people that they saw something in me. 440 00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 2: I was like, OK, I'm gonna just tie my what 441 00:22:59,480 --> 00:22:59,639 Speaker 2: is it? 442 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:00,359 Speaker 1: You know? 443 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 2: Tie my caboosts onto your train and I'm gonna just 444 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,399 Speaker 2: ride with you because you seem to be going in 445 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,040 Speaker 2: the right direction and you see a vision for me, 446 00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 2: and I'm gonna just keep on rocking with you until 447 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,880 Speaker 2: I can really see that vision for myself. So that's 448 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,480 Speaker 2: something I noticed. But also, if you were in a 449 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,879 Speaker 2: space where you're at your lowest, try to give back, 450 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 2: like if you can give back to other people, and 451 00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 2: if you can, try to volunteer. There are so many 452 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 2: places you can volunteer. Try to volunteer because when you're 453 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:26,639 Speaker 2: going through oftentimes when you help someone else, it allows 454 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 2: you to shift perspectives, especially if you're helping people that 455 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,440 Speaker 2: are less fortunate than you. It allows you to put 456 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,399 Speaker 2: your situation in perspective and you can find some joy 457 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:37,040 Speaker 2: in the midst of the pain that you might be 458 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 2: going through. So helping other people also putting on the 459 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 2: shades of someone else that can see a bigger vision 460 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 2: that you may not be able to access at the moment. 461 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,880 Speaker 2: Like those two I think have been so instrumental for me. 462 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,440 Speaker 1: I think I go back to when you were saying, 463 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:55,720 Speaker 1: like when you're at your lowest point, and I think 464 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,200 Speaker 1: the thing for us to remember is that sometimes when 465 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: we're at our lowest point, to see above that, right, 466 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 1: And the thing for us to always remember is that 467 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:18,119 Speaker 1: everything is surmountable. Right, no matter how tough the problem is, 468 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,359 Speaker 1: there is help. It may not be the help that 469 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:28,680 Speaker 1: we envisioned, may not be what we want, it may 470 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:33,640 Speaker 1: not even feel good when it's happening, but there is 471 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 1: always help. And it's about remembering that you don't have 472 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:44,040 Speaker 1: to stay at the bottom. You keep your eye on 473 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:51,720 Speaker 1: that bigger goal, that bigger vision, and remind yourself that 474 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:52,640 Speaker 1: you're moving. 475 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,520 Speaker 2: Up that I M. I don't want to forget this. 476 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,600 Speaker 2: So one thing I want to share this less brown quote, 477 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:57,680 Speaker 2: and I want to go back to what you said 478 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,760 Speaker 2: about perspective and how like you that's resilience right there. 479 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:02,879 Speaker 2: So if I forget, remind me so I don't forget. 480 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,159 Speaker 2: So the first quote, let's Brown, one of my favorite 481 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,880 Speaker 2: motivational speakers. He says, if you can, if you can 482 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,880 Speaker 2: look up, you can get up. And sometimes when we fall, 483 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 2: try to fall on your back because you can look 484 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,119 Speaker 2: up and you can see the vision. You might be 485 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,679 Speaker 2: at the lowest, but sometimes and again, we may not 486 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,440 Speaker 2: be able to see this when we're in the lowest. 487 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,359 Speaker 2: But you know, hindsight is twenty twenty and so if 488 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,760 Speaker 2: you are at your lowest, one good thing about that is, well, 489 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,840 Speaker 2: god damn, I can't get any lower than this. Okay, 490 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 2: so we know, like I might at rock bottom, I 491 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,280 Speaker 2: can't get any lower. So everything else from here is 492 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,360 Speaker 2: going to be up. So that's one way to look 493 00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 2: at it, right, the silver lining. But one thing you 494 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,960 Speaker 2: said was about you said something about perspective and how 495 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,040 Speaker 2: you know you were like the way you think about 496 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 2: the situation, like your perspective. That's resilience in and of itself, 497 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,280 Speaker 2: just having being grateful for those challenges. And now finally 498 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,560 Speaker 2: I'm able to look at a lot of the adversity 499 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,679 Speaker 2: that I've experienced and I'm really am genuinely grateful, Like 500 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:56,800 Speaker 2: I am grateful for my dysfunctional and abusive childhood because 501 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,760 Speaker 2: it made me a very sensitive person, right, and I 502 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 2: have been able to just develop certain qualities that we 503 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,639 Speaker 2: can't get on the store at the shelf. Right, you 504 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 2: can't get this at Gucci. Right here, you can't get 505 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 2: this at Walmart. You can't get it at Harvard or Duke, 506 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,479 Speaker 2: Like you can't get it by gaining a degree. Right, 507 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,159 Speaker 2: this is stuff that life experience teaches you. And so 508 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,280 Speaker 2: I feel so grateful to have compassion for other people. Humility. 509 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 2: I mean, when you are homeless and you live in 510 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 2: a one bedroom shelter with a family of seven, that's 511 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,720 Speaker 2: pretty humble, right. It's like from there, like I remember 512 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,000 Speaker 2: where I came from, and so no matter where I live, 513 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 2: if I live in a million dollar house, you know, 514 00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 2: at this point in my journey, it's like I remember 515 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 2: where I came from. And so that humility is always 516 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,119 Speaker 2: going to stick with me because I value that. And 517 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,600 Speaker 2: so I think that if we can in those dark moments, 518 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,639 Speaker 2: just know that it's going to get better. Like we 519 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,119 Speaker 2: have so much power in our mind. And that's what 520 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,200 Speaker 2: I realized. I remember being in a one bedroom shelter 521 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,520 Speaker 2: and having a vision I would write in my journal. 522 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:56,760 Speaker 2: I see myself speaking and writing books and the only 523 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,560 Speaker 2: reason I believed it is because my pastor used to 524 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,639 Speaker 2: always have this mantra and he said, somewhere in your future, 525 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 2: you're doing much better than you're doing right now. And 526 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,560 Speaker 2: I said, well, God damn, I don't know if that's true, 527 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,760 Speaker 2: but I'm gonna believe it because it made me feel 528 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,280 Speaker 2: good and it gave me hope. And so I began 529 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,840 Speaker 2: to write down those visions. So, wherever you are in 530 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,080 Speaker 2: your life right now, write that vision out. I don't 531 00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:16,840 Speaker 2: care if it doesn't look like you can't achieve. I 532 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,240 Speaker 2: don't care what the people around you are saying. Write 533 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,680 Speaker 2: that vision out. I remember when I used to clean 534 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,000 Speaker 2: mansions with my mentor back when I was in I 535 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,920 Speaker 2: think I was in high school at the time, and 536 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,320 Speaker 2: this one guy had like a mans variety. I think, 537 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:30,919 Speaker 2: I told you this time, I'm here like a masvariety 538 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,520 Speaker 2: and an elevator, and they had so much wealth. And 539 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,280 Speaker 2: I came from this poverty stricken background, and it inspired 540 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:41,119 Speaker 2: me to be able to live beyond what I was 541 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,680 Speaker 2: living then because I saw this. And so no matter 542 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,560 Speaker 2: where we are today, like we have to remember that 543 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 2: we are not defined by where we are on our 544 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,439 Speaker 2: journey It's about what is the vision we see for ourselves, 545 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,880 Speaker 2: what vision are we holding, and what are we believing 546 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,200 Speaker 2: because if we believe. 547 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 1: It, anything is possible, exactly anything, anything is possible, It's possible. 548 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,639 Speaker 1: And one of the things the last things that I 549 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:09,440 Speaker 1: want us to really remember is to take care of ourselves. 550 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,480 Speaker 1: And we mentioned it earlier, but I really want to 551 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:23,040 Speaker 1: stress this point that it is okay one for us 552 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:28,600 Speaker 1: to not be okay that they're on this journey. There 553 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,760 Speaker 1: are going to be times where we're at bottom, and 554 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 1: it's okay for us to say this shit sucks, I'm 555 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:41,760 Speaker 1: having a hard time, and then doing the things that 556 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:45,120 Speaker 1: you need to do to care for self. So whether 557 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:49,440 Speaker 1: that's reaching out to your support system, whether that's volunteering, 558 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 1: getting the help of a mental health provider, seeking the 559 00:28:54,320 --> 00:29:00,000 Speaker 1: community that you mentioned, whatever it is, whatever the healthy 560 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: behavior is that you need to engage in to take 561 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:08,520 Speaker 1: care of yourself, know that it is okay to do that, 562 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 1: and it's beyond okay. It is necessary to make sure 563 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:22,200 Speaker 1: that you are doing the things to nurture you, because 564 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 1: what happens is is the more we nurture ourselves, the 565 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:30,120 Speaker 1: more we pour into ourselves, the easier it is for 566 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:33,400 Speaker 1: us to bounce back. So, as you were talking about 567 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,280 Speaker 1: all the things that you've been through this year, right, 568 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,440 Speaker 1: part of how you've been able to bounce back, and 569 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:42,200 Speaker 1: I've been a witness to it, part of how you've 570 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 1: been able to bounce back is because you have made 571 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:50,760 Speaker 1: it a priority to pour into yourself. You have said, Okay, 572 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:55,440 Speaker 1: I know that that shit was hard. I'm gonna take 573 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,640 Speaker 1: the time that I need. I'm gonna identify what works 574 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 1: for me might not work for other people. There you go, 575 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:04,720 Speaker 1: but I'm gonna identify the things that work for me, 576 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna make doing those things a priority for myself. 577 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,600 Speaker 1: And that's how you've been able to constantly bounce back. 578 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:15,240 Speaker 2: And I will say, like, I don't take that for granted. 579 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:17,959 Speaker 2: I think that's a part of the humility piece as well, 580 00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:20,160 Speaker 2: where I don't take my mental health for granted. I 581 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 2: don't think that because I remember I used to say this, like, oh, 582 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:27,120 Speaker 2: when I was suicidal, I made a promise to myself 583 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:28,680 Speaker 2: never to get to that place, and I did at 584 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,960 Speaker 2: that point, but then life still got harder, and there 585 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,400 Speaker 2: were times where I was like, well, god, damn, it 586 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,720 Speaker 2: might be easier to just not be here. But I 587 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,440 Speaker 2: think that realizing that it's a it's a gift, and 588 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 2: it isn't something that you should take for granted. Like 589 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:43,920 Speaker 2: I would never say like, oh, I'll never be in that, 590 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,400 Speaker 2: I'll never be in a dark place again, I'll never 591 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,840 Speaker 2: be suicidal again. We don't know what life's gonna throw 592 00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:51,120 Speaker 2: at us. I am just grateful to have, you know, 593 00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:53,360 Speaker 2: the mentality I have today. I'm just gonna take it 594 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:55,520 Speaker 2: one day at a time. And I'd love to share 595 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,120 Speaker 2: a few complimentary episodes that would go well if you're 596 00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:02,240 Speaker 2: looking for more after this conversation. So season one, episode eight, 597 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 2: we talked about how to find your own self care routine. 598 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:11,280 Speaker 1: That's that's a definite win. That's a definite go back 599 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,680 Speaker 1: and revisit that episode multiple times a year. 600 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:18,640 Speaker 2: That one's really good. Also, season two, episode nine was 601 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:21,360 Speaker 2: called what's therapy like Anyway? And that's what we walk through, 602 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,600 Speaker 2: Like what is it like to go through therapy? Didn't 603 00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,280 Speaker 2: we like walk through kind of a potential session or 604 00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:27,080 Speaker 2: what that might look like? 605 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, And so I think using that episode to help 606 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:32,280 Speaker 1: you kind of figure out like, yeah, what are the 607 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:35,120 Speaker 1: questions that my therapist might ask me? What are the 608 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: things that I should be telling my therapist before, like, 609 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,080 Speaker 1: as I'm going through this process, and don't be afraid 610 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:46,200 Speaker 1: if you are having suicidal thoughts, don't be afraid to 611 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,720 Speaker 1: share that with your therapists. 612 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,440 Speaker 2: Yes, don't be shamed because it happens to the best 613 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:52,600 Speaker 2: of us and it doesn't define us. It's part of 614 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,120 Speaker 2: the journey where human beings. We live in a very 615 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,960 Speaker 2: interesting world, right, that causes a lot of these things. 616 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,560 Speaker 2: And so the last episode I recommend is season three, 617 00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:04,520 Speaker 2: episode three, which is five Tips to help you get 618 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:06,880 Speaker 2: back on track and find your passion. This was a 619 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,080 Speaker 2: really good episode. We got a lot of great feedback 620 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,080 Speaker 2: from that one where we just give you more insight 621 00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 2: on how to bounce back? Right, how do you do 622 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,120 Speaker 2: it when you're struggling, You're like, wait, it wasn't supposed 623 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,360 Speaker 2: to be here, supposed to this story was supposed to 624 00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:21,840 Speaker 2: play out differently. That episode will help you get your life. 625 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:25,640 Speaker 1: Bounce back, he bounce back. 626 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:29,880 Speaker 2: A get it? Anything else we should touch on, don 627 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:31,160 Speaker 2: bounce back. 628 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:33,600 Speaker 1: That's all I got. Just bounce back. 629 00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:36,880 Speaker 2: Bounce back, bounce back, and be gentle with yourself as always. 630 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:41,080 Speaker 1: Because that bounce could be soft to be hard, whatever 631 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:45,240 Speaker 1: you need bounce back. Thanks for joining us today in 632 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:49,400 Speaker 1: her Space. Please note that our show may contain conversations 633 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:54,880 Speaker 1: about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health, but 634 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,520 Speaker 1: it is by no means meant to be a substitute 635 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 1: for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental health provider. 636 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,840 Speaker 1: If you or someone you know is in need of 637 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:09,400 Speaker 1: mental health care, please visit the Therapy for Black Girls 638 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:13,880 Speaker 1: directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider. 639 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,200 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 640 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,600 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 641 00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:24,760 Speaker 2: Twitter at Herspace podcast, or check out our website at 642 00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:28,960 Speaker 2: herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 643 00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,960 Speaker 2: after me, I know that everything is working out for 644 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:35,080 Speaker 2: my good, even when things don't go as planned. 645 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:37,000 Speaker 1: We'll see you next week, Lady,