Speaker 1: Wellcome back to another episode about me. I'm your host,
Speaker 1: Kevin Pollard, Yes, that Kevin poll What what's up? Well,
Speaker 1: A squirrel told me yesterday that today was going to
Speaker 1: be a magical day, and so far, I think my
Speaker 1: little blood buddy was completely full of ship. But I digress.
Speaker 1: Let's make a roam a shower no particular order. Let's
Speaker 1: quickly check out with the craik Atkowski first two motorized
Speaker 1: Doohiki review cow Well, in terms of motorized dow hikis
Speaker 1: um that that I might have around the house, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm very check forward, check advanced. Uh. I think we're
Speaker 1: we're getting close to the uh, the robots, close to
Speaker 1: the robots. The singularity was the word that robot times.
Speaker 1: I think. Um, So, like, what do I got? What
Speaker 1: do I got that I didn't say in the room.
Speaker 1: I literally have a microwave that I bought when I
Speaker 1: arrived in Los Angeles in two thousand two, so that
Speaker 1: mic wave and I are celebrating about celebrat twenty years
Speaker 1: together and it works fine. Did I make some popcorn
Speaker 1: in it last night? Did it pop up? Fine? Yes?
Speaker 1: So yeah, find the stuff you love and stick with it.
Speaker 1: Don't don't get sucked up by these corporations that want
Speaker 1: you to get the latest thing, because the next thing,
Speaker 1: you know you microwaves still works great. Couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1: Oh my, there's Jackie eaganzollers to Ruth. Hey, Jackie, how
Speaker 1: many times a week are you wondering about your next
Speaker 1: scoop of ice cream? Oh? I mean a lot. It's
Speaker 1: honestly something that I think about all the time, very
Speaker 1: often as an avid ice cream lover. Someone who grew
Speaker 1: up having two mugs a day. Look out now mugs.
Speaker 1: I like him. Mus No, no, wait, wait, we're gonna
Speaker 1: have to drill down. I'm afraid. Every day after school
Speaker 1: I would have two mug fools and I'd fill it
Speaker 1: up to the mug to the top, two mugfuls of
Speaker 1: ice cream of eats double fudge brownie, which is over here.
Speaker 1: If I may, uh this U this mug you speak
Speaker 1: of that? For the record, not only none of us,
Speaker 1: but none of our listeners have ever being used as
Speaker 1: a vehicle for ice cream. Um a delivery system? Are
Speaker 1: we talking about a coffee mug? We're talking about coffee.
Speaker 1: It's a coffee mug. And I don't know why, but
Speaker 1: because I think it was my choice. I think I
Speaker 1: was just like, this is what I wanted, like the handle,
Speaker 1: I'm not touching something cold. It also to me maybe
Speaker 1: really kid, I was a reallyant kid, and I think
Speaker 1: I was also like, this is the perfect serving size,
Speaker 1: because a bowl I'm going to go too crazy. But
Speaker 1: then in reality, when I fill up a mug, now
Speaker 1: I'm like, dude, this is half a pint, like so
Speaker 1: much fishing a mug. Yeah, I think about it all
Speaker 1: the time, I said, corrected, I'm now visioning Jamie putting
Speaker 1: her ice cream in a mug constantly. It's a little
Speaker 1: tiny mug, and it's for the same reason, and so
Speaker 1: I don't shovel out too much. Well, you know what
Speaker 1: is like, this isn't messed People are gonna think this
Speaker 1: is messed up, and it's not messed up. I also
Speaker 1: put it in a mug because I liked to microwave
Speaker 1: my ice cream, not to a complete melt that I
Speaker 1: needed it to be a little bit melty, half melt,
Speaker 1: And so that's another big reason I'm putting it in
Speaker 1: this mug. You know what came with the apartment, No
Speaker 1: clue it could. It's ageless. That's right. Sure, damn is
Speaker 1: backed by popular demand. Here now, Gary Anthony Williams, Hello America.
Speaker 1: I say America because I'm sitting right in the crotch
Speaker 1: of Canada right now and to run. And if I
Speaker 1: may have a bone to pick with j Jackie d
Speaker 1: which big fan, big fan of her work and her eating.
Speaker 1: But MUD's the problem with it for me would be
Speaker 1: they have a corner in there, like if it was
Speaker 1: in a bowl of the same size, there's no corner
Speaker 1: to lose some ice cream in and we're not losing
Speaker 1: any ice cream in my friend, I'd like to check
Speaker 1: out some of your mugs sometimes, I literally like to
Speaker 1: check out the inner rim of your mug. Just now
Speaker 1: at the end we got the multi parts and now
Speaker 1: we have a cup which is perfect to just lur.
Speaker 1: There's always look, Kevin. You know, I'm a big fan
Speaker 1: of viscosity and everything viscosity related. The viscosity of that
Speaker 1: ice cream is not even melted. And by the way, microwave,
Speaker 1: perfect move with that ice cream. But that you're going
Speaker 1: to have a little residue trapped in there that unless
Speaker 1: you get your little hand down in there, Yeah, you're nothing.
Speaker 1: I'm fine with it's the term mug corner that I'm struggling.
Speaker 1: Where's the corner in the that cylinder going down into
Speaker 1: that flat part. Now, once you're down in there, you
Speaker 1: gotta you got a ninety degree angle in there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you do, you go. You're never gonna have how many seconds?
Speaker 1: How many seconds in the microwave? You all are melting
Speaker 1: your ice cream a tool fifteen seconds? But I do.
Speaker 1: I lay out the pint outside on the counter for
Speaker 1: a good twenty minutes, though you're doing with rock hard
Speaker 1: ice cream. So you just want a milkshake. You don't
Speaker 1: want ice cream? No, no no, I want some textures. He
Speaker 1: wants milkshake at that, like you want to get a
Speaker 1: bowl of ice cream and hit the popcorn button. And
Speaker 1: I have put it in by mistake, for like way
Speaker 1: too as a child, for like way too long. I
Speaker 1: think it was like twenty seconds or twenty five seconds,
Speaker 1: is my thing. And then one time too many zeros,
Speaker 1: and two minutes later and I'm not even I'm like
Speaker 1: doing other things. And then all of a sudden, my
Speaker 1: my ice here was boiling. Yeah, good lord, uh look out,
Speaker 1: it's Mark Gagliardi time. Hey Malorcas g Yeah, a camping
Speaker 1: experience that comes to mind. It's time for you to
Speaker 1: tell us about. Uh. Did I tell the bear story
Speaker 1: ever on this show? I'm gonna say no, okay, please, okay.
Speaker 1: I went camping at this great spot just north of
Speaker 1: Los Angeles, near Redlands, and Uh, we knew that there
Speaker 1: was a bear nearby because we saw the bear standing
Speaker 1: on top of the big dumpster uh like over at
Speaker 1: the campsite, trying to get inside it a tight five,
Speaker 1: but he was doing a type five on the dumpster. Uh.
Speaker 1: Drop the mic at the end into the dumpster. Uh.
Speaker 1: And then that's why he yeah, and that's why he
Speaker 1: was like, oh my, Mike. But we all knew that
Speaker 1: the bear was there, so we all decided we were
Speaker 1: all going to stay in one tent. Uh. That night
Speaker 1: there was a bunch of a bunch of prints together,
Speaker 1: but we all, like the seven of us, all piled
Speaker 1: into one tent. We're all sleeping on the floor, and
Speaker 1: then we hear the We hear the bear outside just
Speaker 1: devouring one of our friends cars, uh, trying to get
Speaker 1: in because they had left an open pineapple like that
Speaker 1: had been cut up just in the trunk, like not
Speaker 1: sealed in anything. They left. Yeah, they might as well
Speaker 1: have filled the trunk with honey. Um. So then once
Speaker 1: we heard the bear leave, we uh there was another group.
Speaker 1: It was a friend of ours parents who were there
Speaker 1: as well, who had an airstream. Uh, and we thought
Speaker 1: we're going to all just pile in the airstream. So
Speaker 1: once we you head the bear and you got it,
Speaker 1: we grabbed. Yeah, we grabbed the pineapple. I'm running with
Speaker 1: a pit bull in my arms. Uh, because we didn't
Speaker 1: trust the pit bull to creep quietly over into the airstream. H.
Speaker 1: So to my friend's parents, I'm sure it was a
Speaker 1: freaky site that at about three o'clock in the morning,
Speaker 1: seven adult humans and two dogs just came barreling into
Speaker 1: their airstream telling them stories of of a bear that
Speaker 1: had destroyed a car. And we saw in the morning
Speaker 1: the damage that the bear had actually done. Uh. He
Speaker 1: pulled off the antenna, and I can only assume that
Speaker 1: it was a crazy smart bear who pulled off the
Speaker 1: antenna and then was using it to try to slim
Speaker 1: Jim the lock. Jack did you think he was picking
Speaker 1: his teeth like pineapple? Can? I also say, by the way,
Speaker 1: in Jackie's defense, I do have a mug specific four
Speaker 1: ice cream in my kid you is a coffee mug
Speaker 1: that I only use rice are you? Are you denying
Speaker 1: that you don't get a little bit of rim in there?
Speaker 1: I do. Here's the thing about this mug. There's there's
Speaker 1: a little it's a little bit raised on the bottom,
Speaker 1: so I don't have that ninety degree angle in the rim.
Speaker 1: I have a little bit of curve. It's a little
Speaker 1: it's bowlish in the bottom. I have some mugs that
Speaker 1: are bullish as well. Yeah, so really they're bowls with
Speaker 1: handles you guys talk, which is also called the cup
Speaker 1: and last, but too much bread, not enough steak, if
Speaker 1: you think of least, it's a tool, sing sizeable, silly.
Speaker 1: Why are we still bothering with the penny? That's a
Speaker 1: good question. I think the we've they've done the economic
Speaker 1: kind of research on it, and we should get rid
Speaker 1: of it. I've been to other countries where they just
Speaker 1: round up around down. I love that. I'd like to
Speaker 1: get rid of all coins. Um, no coins, what's I
Speaker 1: don't need? You know, some countries have like a five euro.
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's a coin, but something I
Speaker 1: guess if I'm saying that is the but those those
Speaker 1: are you're gonna lose those. That's losing a lot, you
Speaker 1: lose a dime. Hey, it's okay, you'll get over it.
Speaker 1: But I don't want a lot of dollar coins. But
Speaker 1: let's get rid of everything quarters and all the stuff.
Speaker 1: Or make the parking meters give me my change back
Speaker 1: when I'm leaving. How about that? Yeah? Sorry, I like
Speaker 1: that a lot of parking issues. We got to the
Speaker 1: parking issues. That's all I cared about. Let's do a
Speaker 1: damn show. All of our scene suggestions, of course, gathered
Speaker 1: from your listener emails or from our patron v i
Speaker 1: p S, which you can become and support the show
Speaker 1: in your own individual damn way, and by the way,
Speaker 1: you look receive exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes that
Speaker 1: we create just for you, video recording of this very
Speaker 1: zoom session we're recording in on a weekly basis, and
Speaker 1: so many more. Head on over to patroon dot com
Speaker 1: slash alchemy this, or if you'd like to submit your
Speaker 1: scene suggestion via email, please right to the podcast that
Speaker 1: our email addressed Alchemy. This email a gen dot com
Speaker 1: seen one comes from patron v I P Haven, who wrote, Hey, folks,
Speaker 1: scene lego manufacturing plant ps bone to pick? Why so reluctant?
Speaker 1: Why so reluctant to do the whoops wrong kind of
Speaker 1: Indian scene? Craig, you had no issue playing a native
Speaker 1: dude in episode three. You did great. You even got
Speaker 1: sick from foreign diseases. Your beautiful facial structure could surely
Speaker 1: get you a role as a chief or a tribal
Speaker 1: dignitary of some sort. I'm also hoping that a tool
Speaker 1: was going to be there for the episode. Huge gamble
Speaker 1: on my part, assuming he is Indian? Am I right?
Speaker 1: Maybe we can get Adam Beach or Graham Green on
Speaker 1: the show someday to do the scene. Oh this is
Speaker 1: getting awkward. Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out.
Speaker 1: Stay friends, love all of you. Haven. So I chose
Speaker 1: this one because I wanted everyone to know this about
Speaker 1: Haven uh and and and Haven's uh stance or attempt
Speaker 1: to be funny. I wasn't quite clear. It's it just
Speaker 1: butts up against the dark side pun intended. Uh a tool?
Speaker 1: Do you a tool? Do you carried away? And how
Speaker 1: do you feel about all of that? I am Indian,
Speaker 1: so that's that part. I will confirm that I try
Speaker 1: not to go public with that information, but that's come out.
Speaker 1: I don't know what scene we're talking about, but so yeah,
Speaker 1: like an Indian, Well back to our scene suggestion, Lego
Speaker 1: manufacturing plant. Johnson, may I speak with you please? I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you're talking about Darius Johnson or Camar Johnathan. Which
Speaker 1: do you want to talk to or I'm Kamar If
Speaker 1: you'm Darius, I need to speak with you Kamal. All right,
Speaker 1: But first of all, you were clear that I was
Speaker 1: calling you Johnson. No is that not, sir? I have
Speaker 1: not listened since I was high at Okay, but today
Speaker 1: today I promised my wife on penalty of death, that
Speaker 1: I would listen to everything that happens today. Now when
Speaker 1: you made the promise to to the Mrs penalty of death,
Speaker 1: on penalty of death and the stakes were in fact
Speaker 1: your your potential demise at whose hand? Where was this
Speaker 1: potential death mine? Oh? That she she would and she
Speaker 1: she showed me exactly how she would do it. She
Speaker 1: would form a bludgeon and device. I'll of legos that
Speaker 1: I sneak home in my pockets every night and lud
Speaker 1: and then I'm gonna take my knife and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: take one of the legos and i'm gonna make it
Speaker 1: into a little shift, and i'd like to write down
Speaker 1: everything you say, so you're gonna shive me. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna shive you. I'm gonna take that little shift
Speaker 1: and i'm gonna take out your little pupils. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go around the areas and I'm hoping that that's going
Speaker 1: to make a lot of blood. And if it doesn't
Speaker 1: make enough blood to bleed you out like a little pig,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tie you up like a big old pig.
Speaker 1: Maybe I have something to tell you that oball does
Speaker 1: not really bleed, so you don't have to do a
Speaker 1: lot more damage than that. Okay, then I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to tie you up. I'm gonna have to tie you
Speaker 1: do I'm right hard. That's gonna be hard because I
Speaker 1: refuse to do anything without using legos. I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to figure out how to tie up with legos and
Speaker 1: keep you up there without them popping out. And I'm
Speaker 1: gonna take I don't know, I'm gonna get you from
Speaker 1: from groin, uh huh, from growing to lloyd, from growing
Speaker 1: to neck. I'm gonna enist to give you a big
Speaker 1: old slash from tint to Nate. You're gonna cract me
Speaker 1: from taint Tonate. Tint to Nate going to cut you
Speaker 1: like that in all your insides or kizzards. Hi, Nate, Yes,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming in on such short notice. I
Speaker 1: just had a few questions about what I've been hearing
Speaker 1: around the office that you have a couple of different monikers,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to go over one of them, Nate King.
Speaker 1: I don't know how I feel about that. Uh, tain't
Speaker 1: to Nate. I don't know what that means. And what's
Speaker 1: that that's a sexual reference? Taint to Nate is a
Speaker 1: sexual reference, right, And that's why I've asked you to
Speaker 1: come to HR today. Um So why are you having
Speaker 1: people call you tain't to Nate? They know what I
Speaker 1: do on the weekends. I don't they know, Okay, I
Speaker 1: won't tell me. If they did, someone start calling you this.
Speaker 1: We got Joel dancing on the green stage, we got
Speaker 1: Paul on the orange stage, and we got taped tonad
Speaker 1: up on a gold stage. Remember, ladies, if you don't
Speaker 1: tip taint Tonate won't strip a damnit Nate. What are
Speaker 1: you doing, Nate, What are you doing street? Look, I'm
Speaker 1: not taking anything off until I see a couple of bills. Alright, alright, ladies, ladies, ladies.
Speaker 1: If you don't put out the coin, you won't see
Speaker 1: taint tonight's growing. Let's get going here, all right, you guys.
Speaker 1: This isn't bad. This is so bad that I know it.
Speaker 1: But this is bad. It's definitely some dollars at him
Speaker 1: is going to literally kill me if he knew that
Speaker 1: I was here looking at Okay, ladies, ladies, enough chattering.
Speaker 1: If you don't put out the dollars, taint ton Eate
Speaker 1: can't pays feet for his kids scholars ship. Let's get
Speaker 1: it out there. Excuse me? Are you Darius Johnson? I
Speaker 1: am Wow. Nobody ever asks for Darius Johnson. Really, they
Speaker 1: all just want Kamal Johnson. You're not appreciated at the
Speaker 1: Lego manufacturing plant at which you work. No, I'm underappreciated.
Speaker 1: I would say, I'm whatever is under under I'm sub underappreciated, Darius.
Speaker 1: I represent Block Ohs. We're the fourth largest plastic building
Speaker 1: block company. I don't know if I should be talking
Speaker 1: to you. I I just need to get to my car. Please,
Speaker 1: I'm just having a friendly conversation here, Dad, I just
Speaker 1: need can I just set these groceries down? I just
Speaker 1: need to get to my guys working on these days.
Speaker 1: We Look, if I tell you will you will you
Speaker 1: listen to me? Look, we're just figure we want to
Speaker 1: figure out how to get blockos into uh. I mean,
Speaker 1: we don't have the rights to Batman, but we want
Speaker 1: to build like a like a batmobile. How do you
Speaker 1: how do you do? Look? The only way to build
Speaker 1: the batmobile is with the plans, and the plans are
Speaker 1: under lock and key in the boss's office, and no
Speaker 1: one can get to those plans except Darius Johnson. Darius
Speaker 1: Johnson has never done anything so wild in his whole life.
Speaker 1: Mrs Mrs Kamar Johnson, but you please approach the judge
Speaker 1: and let's sit on the stand now. According to the
Speaker 1: autopsy report, your husband Kamar had his eyes surgically removed
Speaker 1: and replaced with legos. Is that correct objection, your honor?
Speaker 1: There lego bricks? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't I didn't
Speaker 1: know the correct terminology. I'm sorry. May I rephrase the question,
Speaker 1: you're ontron. According to the autopsy report, your eyes had
Speaker 1: is your husband had goddamnit, your honor. I am just flustered.
Speaker 1: I'm flustered beyond belief. Can I take just a five
Speaker 1: minute whiskey break? Please? Five minutes? Scene two comes from
Speaker 1: listener Ophelia, who wrote simple scene suggestion Powerpuff Girls. Ophelia, Gee,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm so excited. Do you think we're
Speaker 1: going to meet all of them today? I mean, I've
Speaker 1: got my book out her. Bubbles has a head cold,
Speaker 1: so Bubbles might not be here, but certainly the others
Speaker 1: would be. I wouldn't care if Bubble's had a head coat.
Speaker 1: I would still want to meet. My god, I'm so nervous.
Speaker 1: What what? What do we do we speak to them?
Speaker 1: Do we say something? Do we just stand there and cog?
Speaker 1: I've written down everything that I want to say to
Speaker 1: them on my left hand. Do you want to practice?
Speaker 1: Of course I do. Okay that Mojo Jojo huh he's
Speaker 1: a crazy He's a crazy monkey? Oh god, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Do you really want to refer to any of them
Speaker 1: as monkeys? Well? No, Mojo Jojo wasn't what was a
Speaker 1: was an evil character? And what Holy sh it, Tina,
Speaker 1: you don't know shit about power Puffer. You don't know
Speaker 1: shit about power puffka you you told me that you story.
Speaker 1: I don't know what everyone does for a living within
Speaker 1: the power Puff universe. Today, today is the day I'm
Speaker 1: glad I had my right hand this written down in
Speaker 1: case it's happening. I'm gonna read it straight to you.
Speaker 1: Today is the day that you and I are no
Speaker 1: longer friends. Oh my god, you lied to me on
Speaker 1: the most important nail when you just tended you knew
Speaker 1: about Powerpuff Girls. You don't even know Mojo Jojo. I
Speaker 1: have my favorites. No, I didn't protend nor lie about Okay,
Speaker 1: I lied. Here's the thing. I want to be popular
Speaker 1: at school, and everyone gives a shit about these Powerpuff Girls.
Speaker 1: I don't so yeah, I'm acting. I don't care, So
Speaker 1: help me when I meet them? What do I say?
Speaker 1: What do I do? You got one chance to redeem yourself.
Speaker 1: Tell me you need to go into the bathroom and
Speaker 1: put on the mayor's costume. The male was the main
Speaker 1: character in the Powerpuff Girl. Oh my gosh it is.
Speaker 1: It's been so many years and I've been dying to
Speaker 1: run into you in the hollway. I can't believe this
Speaker 1: is the first time Dexter. I'm such a fan of
Speaker 1: your laboratory. Buttercup. It's me Buttercup. Yeah, of course of
Speaker 1: horis from The Power Play Girls. Yeah, you're ah. You
Speaker 1: guys are great. You guys look everyone on the network,
Speaker 1: we're all. We just love we love what you what
Speaker 1: you gals? Do you know? You're really good for girls?
Speaker 1: It's really great where you're doing a weird way to
Speaker 1: see that. No, it's great, it's great. It's great. I'm
Speaker 1: sure girls love your show. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people love our show. Gosh. Wow. Sometimes you don't meet
Speaker 1: your heroes. No, no, I'm meeting one of mine right now. Well,
Speaker 1: heroins like girls can't be heroes, but they can be
Speaker 1: heroines like the drug which if you come to my lab,
Speaker 1: you gotta see what we're working on in there. Hey,
Speaker 1: do you want one of these cigarettes? Oh? I don't smoke.
Speaker 1: I need to fly. Oh okay, suit yourself, you can fly.
Speaker 1: That is wild. I don't know that the Power Play
Speaker 1: Girls flu it's puff um and you know what. I'm good?
Speaker 1: All right? Hey, I heard you met Dexter earlier. Nexter's
Speaker 1: the sexiest asshole who happens to make drugs in his laboratory.
Speaker 1: They had no idea. I should have warned you. I
Speaker 1: thought that. I mean, to be honest, I've had a
Speaker 1: crush on him, to be honest. So it's a bad boy,
Speaker 1: of course. I I love a red head. I love
Speaker 1: I love that we're both like similar heighth ish And
Speaker 1: if you really want to get close to Dexter, I
Speaker 1: have one s of guestion to you. Take this costume.
Speaker 1: It's the mayor's costume. Go on in the rest room,
Speaker 1: put on the mayor's costume, and go talk to him
Speaker 1: man to man. Once you woo him man to man,
Speaker 1: you'll be able to woo him woman. I just like sir.
Speaker 1: There's a we got a pretty long line outside waiting
Speaker 1: to meet the Power Profect girls. So whenever you are ready,
Speaker 1: we will open the doors. I'm ready. I'm ready to
Speaker 1: open the doors. Okay, I didn't. I don't know why you.
Speaker 1: I mean, I know we're building excitement, but they're they're
Speaker 1: getting rowdy. I think Evan saw a friendship breakup outside,
Speaker 1: so it's getting bad. Um, so I'm gonna open it up. Um,
Speaker 1: just half the girls ready? Could you give me just
Speaker 1: a second before you do. I want to just sneak
Speaker 1: into the bathroom. Are you taking a whiskey break? No? No, man, no, no,
Speaker 1: I can't do that anymore. I'm gonna change it. I
Speaker 1: have gout. Now I'm gonna change into my Maya's costume.
Speaker 1: Oh is that really necessary? Because the girls are here,
Speaker 1: so we don't We don't need anything extra. But by
Speaker 1: the time the girls are in here, then you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. It's not your show, it's their show.
Speaker 1: Just let him have this moment. You know, we run
Speaker 1: the Spencer Gifts. You know, we don't have to be
Speaker 1: part of the show. All right, you're right, you absolutely
Speaker 1: right let him in. I'll stay dressed as myself. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: Now you seem angry. You see, I'm I'm legitimately pisteof
Speaker 1: put that lego brick knife down, okay o taking glasses off?
Speaker 1: Please please give me my glasses back? Those are those
Speaker 1: are Warby Parker's. Please give me those back. Oh that's
Speaker 1: a lot less blood than I thought. Yeah, they have
Speaker 1: all don't really. Oh man, I didn't expect that if
Speaker 1: everyone here would because playing as the mayor, I've already
Speaker 1: seen three more besides us. I feel stupid now, I
Speaker 1: thought it was gonna be so unique coming to a
Speaker 1: power Puff Girls event as the mayor. This is bullshit.
Speaker 1: I don't see no Powerpuff Girls around here. I just
Speaker 1: see mayor. This is bullshit. I'm taking town of mayors.
Speaker 1: You can know who's running the thing if it's a
Speaker 1: whole town of mayors. Look mayor, mayor, mayor girl dressed
Speaker 1: as a mayor. Potentially a power Puff old dressed as
Speaker 1: a mayor for some reason. Mayor mayor guy from Spencer
Speaker 1: Gifts dressed as a mayor for some reason. I don't
Speaker 1: know what's going on that has seen too C three
Speaker 1: comes from Patron v I P. Bifster, who rode high
Speaker 1: y'all if you could like a podcast too much, I
Speaker 1: think I'd be getting dangerously close anyway. Scene suggestion workers
Speaker 1: are returning to the offices and realizing that some of
Speaker 1: them have changed. They've changed a lot, the workers, not
Speaker 1: the offices. Oh Bifster, Yeah, I know. People are going
Speaker 1: back to work. Uh. It's weird because we've been working
Speaker 1: on Zoom for it feels like two years, and I
Speaker 1: don't know what to expect. I mean, have I forgotten
Speaker 1: how to interact with people that we're also this whole
Speaker 1: cancer and cancel culture have happened. Honey, you have cancer
Speaker 1: cancer me, honey, it's okay, it's kids, it's okay, it's
Speaker 1: ok that has cancer. Dad does not have cancer. He
Speaker 1: just misspokes. Just honey, you don't have cancer. He said
Speaker 1: canceled culture. When he's saying he's going to work, is
Speaker 1: he really going to go die from cancer and we're
Speaker 1: not going to see him again? You have always been
Speaker 1: our our darkest child, haven't you were not? He's not
Speaker 1: going to die from cancer instead of work? What does
Speaker 1: cancer culture? Is that? Where everybody? I just want to
Speaker 1: make it clear this office is not going to indulge
Speaker 1: in cancer culture. Uh. If you have cancer, we don't
Speaker 1: want to know about it. So I have cancer, Okay.
Speaker 1: Now now that's all I'm gonna see when I look
Speaker 1: at you. Okay, Now you're to find by having cancer,
Speaker 1: that's cancer culture. Uh. Now if you're if you're getting
Speaker 1: chemo or other treatment, you have to leave. That's great.
Speaker 1: Take as much time as you need. I definitely I
Speaker 1: want people to get better. You know, I just don't
Speaker 1: want to know about it. But I'm sick of cancer culture. Terry.
Speaker 1: I called you into the office because you mentioned in
Speaker 1: the meeting how that you have cancer and we have
Speaker 1: to we have to write you up. Oh boy, hurry up, doc.
Speaker 1: I don't have not doc. I'm sorry. And I see
Speaker 1: everyone is the doctor now, either a doctor or mayor.
Speaker 1: That's all I see. You're probably looking at my PhD
Speaker 1: on the wall that is in English Studies from Vasser.
Speaker 1: That's a college in the northeast. Of course I know Vasser. Well,
Speaker 1: I got cancer there. Oh so sorry, sorry to hear that. Well,
Speaker 1: I got my little arts degree and then I actually
Speaker 1: went to Masters to give my masters a tough before
Speaker 1: I returned to vast Or for my pH d. Well,
Speaker 1: we're getting beside the point. Let me write you up
Speaker 1: on this piece of paper. All right, This will go
Speaker 1: into permanent file. It won't be two permanents, all right.
Speaker 1: I really don't have that. We want you to get better,
Speaker 1: We want you to get all the help you need,
Speaker 1: but I just can't talk about it all the time.
Speaker 1: All right, all right, okay, seem angry. No, No, I'm
Speaker 1: not angry at all. It's just the cancer talking. I
Speaker 1: also want to make it clear if you have a
Speaker 1: June twenty one through July twenty second, birthday. We're not
Speaker 1: going to be celebrating those birthdays. That's cancer culture. Come on,
Speaker 1: Leo's aries, Gemini's. You're fine about just for that month.
Speaker 1: We're not gonna say, yes, I not only do I
Speaker 1: have cancer, but I'm also a cancer. Now does that
Speaker 1: somehow cancel me out of there? Cancers them out? Uh?
Speaker 1: Carry Uh. Well, I've got some some bad news and
Speaker 1: some worst news for you. Please give me, give me
Speaker 1: the absolute worst. Well, the absolute worst is you don't
Speaker 1: have long. The second absolute worst is I'm not allowed
Speaker 1: tell you how long you have because this hospital just
Speaker 1: instituted a no cancer culture policy. We're not allowed to
Speaker 1: talk about cancer in here anymore. So I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: hand you this blank sheet of paper. I'm going to
Speaker 1: assume you know what to do because I can no
Speaker 1: longer tell you what sort of steps you can take. Also,
Speaker 1: i'd like to wish you a happy birthday, but I'm
Speaker 1: not thank you on birthday. Wish you know my father
Speaker 1: always said, live every day is it's as if it's
Speaker 1: your last fifteen minutes of life. I think I'm I
Speaker 1: think I'm going to start doing that now. I think
Speaker 1: you ought to. I think you ought to spend it
Speaker 1: like it's the last twelve minutes of your life. So
Speaker 1: whatever you've whatever you've got to do. And no, I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not. I'm not wink talking wink about cancer. Wink.
Speaker 1: But doctor, there's anything you'd need to get done as
Speaker 1: wealth as a men with cancer. Three times in a row,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, you may have I I winking cancer,
Speaker 1: what you may have eye winking cancer. You winked at
Speaker 1: me three times in a row. It's oh god, oh god,
Speaker 1: this is this is devastating news. Cancer is very contagious, doctor,
Speaker 1: everyone knows it. I didn't realize it was that quickly.
Speaker 1: Airborne contagious, airborne. You have air gina. I know. I.
Speaker 1: I bought the tickets. We're gonna have to resell them, okay.
Speaker 1: I it's so stupid that the Comedy Central con is
Speaker 1: on a weekday I work. I can't get out of
Speaker 1: work at you needs someone to buy the tickets. I
Speaker 1: don't und I just yeah, I'm gonna have to sell
Speaker 1: my ticket. You can still go. I just like I
Speaker 1: can't get out of Wait a second, I mean I
Speaker 1: could just gosh, I could stay have cancer. Right, They'll
Speaker 1: let me just take off time, you know, to get better.
Speaker 1: But that that's like, that's bad, that's fat, It's really
Speaker 1: bad in a big it's almost a guarantee that I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna get it in an airborne like on a
Speaker 1: plane situation. Yeah, you know what comes fuck up those
Speaker 1: stupid idea stud idea, Well, there are no stupid ideas,
Speaker 1: as it turns out, between us. You can say anything,
Speaker 1: some of which I won't be paying attention to, but
Speaker 1: have the freedom. You know, Gina, You're so honest with me,
Speaker 1: and that's why. Sorry to interrupt you, guys. I just
Speaker 1: heard on the on the news the con this weekend.
Speaker 1: They said it's going to be the biggest thing ever,
Speaker 1: the biggest thing. Excited, ice cream mugs. You guys gotta
Speaker 1: find a way to go. You guys gotta find a
Speaker 1: way to go. We have tickets and are you okay?
Speaker 1: Uh yeah, everybody sold my car. Now. I'm just like
Speaker 1: a Paul Revere on Hocus. I gotta go by Hey.
Speaker 1: I love the idea of bringing back the town crier,
Speaker 1: by the way, you know, and I loved the shoe
Speaker 1: he seems. Welcome to the Comedy Central Cancel Cancer Culture Conference.
Speaker 1: I am Craig Koski, Matt Craig Kowski, that Craig Kakowski.
Speaker 1: And of course this is the Comedy Central Cancel Cancer
Speaker 1: Culture Conference. Uh we have uh what is it on
Speaker 1: a weekday? Yeah? Some of us usually have to go
Speaker 1: to work on week days. Well, look you're all here right.
Speaker 1: You must have got out somehow faked cancer. And I'm
Speaker 1: on my lunch break. I'm dressed as the mayor, the
Speaker 1: mayor of what? Uh? I was a character in power
Speaker 1: puff I don't know if you watch Powerpuff Girls. No, okay,
Speaker 1: it's a character. Now I feel silly. O can't I
Speaker 1: can't hear you. I can't hear you, Sandra, Sandra coming
Speaker 1: to my office? Yes you good? Yeah? Sure, I mean
Speaker 1: I've had better days fed worst. Listen, I heard that
Speaker 1: people are dressing up as me and as someone who
Speaker 1: is trying to get a second term. Is this a
Speaker 1: good thing? This is a bad thing. It's like it's
Speaker 1: hard for me to gauge. Are they mocking me? Or
Speaker 1: are they You're concerned as if you're being mocked. Well
Speaker 1: I need to know, like, am I am I the
Speaker 1: town joke or am I the town hero? Is this
Speaker 1: a way to flatter me? Or is this a way
Speaker 1: to well, I heard from the town crier that you're
Speaker 1: being mocked in certain circles. Not all people are wearing
Speaker 1: your face at a at a con. There's a con nearby.
Speaker 1: Apprently it's and it's comedy, so that's probably making fun
Speaker 1: of you and to some degree. Oh god, we're gonna
Speaker 1: have to put out a pole. We're gonna have to
Speaker 1: see where my numbers are at, because I'm getting really nervous. Also,
Speaker 1: do I have to dance? Why are we putting out
Speaker 1: a pole? Yeah? I need you to dance because we
Speaker 1: need to raise money for my next You know you
Speaker 1: are the fundraiser for my Yeah, I mean it's worked before. Well,
Speaker 1: it's the mayor's fundraiser. Everybody over there on the green
Speaker 1: stage today we have Sandra right next to Nate the Taint.
Speaker 1: Change his name slightly, but not that much. Over on
Speaker 1: the orange stage, don't forget slipping your dollar bills. Everybody
Speaker 1: slipping your dollars, not your coins. Coins hurt dollars. Don't
Speaker 1: wat them up, throw them. They won't feel it till
Speaker 1: it hits their pockets. Do you like that? You like it?
Speaker 1: Nothing comes off until I see a little cash. You're
Speaker 1: really working it day. Oh yeah, you see these shoulders
Speaker 1: move See my hips and shoulders moved together and saying
Speaker 1: some movement. Which is I say? Bravo, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: Usually it's just you standing next to the pole. Not
Speaker 1: sure which is which. Because I've lost some weight, I
Speaker 1: was thinking immobile. But sure, you're you're cute. You're cute. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you, I guess yeah, you're you're special, are you?
Speaker 1: That dollar bill does not go there? Mr? Okay, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: we should I stick it. I'm just looking for someplace
Speaker 1: to stick it in my butt far far sorry about that.
Speaker 1: Hold on just one second, alright, waded up and river. Alright,
Speaker 1: gather around, employees, gather around. First of all, I want
Speaker 1: you to know that I'm I'm okay, I'm okay. You
Speaker 1: may wondering why I'm having this meeting laying down in
Speaker 1: a bed hooked up to machines. I've decided to live
Speaker 1: every day like it's the last fifteen minutes of Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a good idea. That's a good idea. Is it,
Speaker 1: in fact the last fifteen minutes of your last? No? Again,
Speaker 1: I am fine. I expect to live many more days,
Speaker 1: but I am going to live every days like it's
Speaker 1: the last fifteen minutes. So I'm on heavy medication right now.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling delirious. But you're not about to die. I'm
Speaker 1: not about to die. I'm just living every day as
Speaker 1: if it's my last fifteen I always assume that welcome
Speaker 1: to uh, poop like nobody's watching. Uh. This seminar today
Speaker 1: will be teaching you how to live your best life.
Speaker 1: And I like to start all of these by having
Speaker 1: anyone volunteer any version of poop like no one's watching,
Speaker 1: so that the rest of the group gets a good
Speaker 1: idea of what it means to live forward, move, being
Speaker 1: forward and not standing still. I have to admit that
Speaker 1: I was a bit confused by the title of the seminaro,
Speaker 1: no one's watching, Right, But I'm confused by that when
Speaker 1: when when no one's watching me? Poop? Yeah, I help me?
Speaker 1: Are you having trouble, yeah, watching when nobody watches me? Right?
Speaker 1: You probably heard the term dance like no one's watching. Yes,
Speaker 1: I have right, live every fifteen minutes like it's your
Speaker 1: last day of every day, like it's the last fifteen minutes. Yes,
Speaker 1: I have Yeah, Well, poop like no one's watching you?
Speaker 1: Really get to hunker down and live your best life.
Speaker 1: That's what it's about and living your best life, Mr Squats,
Speaker 1: I have a question. I'm also confused by this title
Speaker 1: poop like no One's watching. I was under the assumption
Speaker 1: for most of my life that no one was watching.
Speaker 1: Yet this title applies that there's been someone watching this
Speaker 1: whole time. When someone watching me poop this whole time?
Speaker 1: Would you like to see some video? No? But yes,
Speaker 1: but no? Question two part uh firs first person in
Speaker 1: the second world? Why is he dressed like the current
Speaker 1: mayor of the city? And second question isn't this conference
Speaker 1: usually hosted by Craig Kakowski? Uh, he's wearing the mayor's
Speaker 1: outfit because he's proud and he's loud, and Greg Atkowski
Speaker 1: is not here in protest. So happy to field any
Speaker 1: other questions before we well, let me first of all
Speaker 1: address the I thought, every day I'm pooping without anyone watching?
Speaker 1: Is someone watching? It's a little confusing the title. I
Speaker 1: guess I just hate to dance like no one's watching.
Speaker 1: It's just so trite to me. So I thought, you know,
Speaker 1: if you really want to live life to the fullest,
Speaker 1: what is the one private place that you're still a
Speaker 1: little self conscious baby. Before you go do this conference today.
Speaker 1: If you want to see these titties, you need to
Speaker 1: You need to make this conference and something special for me. Okay,
Speaker 1: I know how you wanted to name this conference Live
Speaker 1: your Best Life. Yes I did. If you want to
Speaker 1: see these titties, the right and the left titty, change
Speaker 1: the name of this conference. Stuff poop like no one's watching. Done.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, Lorraine. And you're telling me that that that's
Speaker 1: working well for you to to give him, you know,
Speaker 1: the ultimatum of your titties, of something positive, of a reward,
Speaker 1: because and then I will break it down to kill him.
Speaker 1: I was telling you, I was gonna you can, you can,
Speaker 1: you can. You can use a threat of violence if
Speaker 1: you won't to. But if you break it down for him,
Speaker 1: first of all, you give them titties as a whole,
Speaker 1: and then you say, if you want to see the
Speaker 1: right and left titty, because if he's thinking of it
Speaker 1: is just one bosom, he may not go for it.
Speaker 1: He might not go for it. That's really something Laurie
Speaker 1: talk talk. You know, I like this a lot. I've
Speaker 1: heard about pooping nobody's watching. But titti's talk. It sounds
Speaker 1: like you should be doing your own conference. Lay are
Speaker 1: you are you? Are you titty kid? Me? Um? Madam Mary. Look,
Speaker 1: you raised a lot of money with the fundraiser, and
Speaker 1: I understand the sex cells. But um, if you want
Speaker 1: to see these titties, vote for me is not doing
Speaker 1: well on those billboards. Some of them have been painted over. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's change it. Then, let's change it to if you
Speaker 1: want to see the left and the right. Madam Mary,
Speaker 1: I'm not certain that that's it's I'm not certain it's
Speaker 1: the one bosom theory that is the problem. Breast mayor's offer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is the President of the United States of America.
Speaker 1: Is the mayor in Yes, hold on one second on
Speaker 1: speaker phone, boy, I want you to hear this too, Yes, yes, sir, okay, um,
Speaker 1: it's the President of the United States hitting me. President
Speaker 1: Cracklin is on the phone. President Cracklin is on the phone.
Speaker 1: He wants he wants me on speaker phone. Mr President,
Speaker 1: you are on speaker phone with the mayor. This is
Speaker 1: President James Cracklin here. I saw your ad, your your
Speaker 1: campaigns about showing your your titties. I want you to
Speaker 1: know that you have the full force, understanding and support
Speaker 1: of the White House behind behind your campaign. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. And by force do you mean the armed
Speaker 1: forces can armed forces? I can also threaten violence. You
Speaker 1: can do whatever you want. Now I feel like I
Speaker 1: really got it. Look who's back in town? Are you
Speaker 1: the president? Now? Huh? You're the president? Can you believe it?
Speaker 1: I can't believe. And did you think that I was
Speaker 1: ever going to stop coming to this strip club? You're wrong? Hey,
Speaker 1: this is the first time. Well, Jimmy Crack came once
Speaker 1: when he was president, but uh, but what two presidents
Speaker 1: now and the one who started titty talk? I mean,
Speaker 1: this is huge for all our dancers. Hey, dancers, is
Speaker 1: a real meeting, real meeting, not zoom do the do
Speaker 1: the remix of pussy talk? You know that song pussy Talk,
Speaker 1: but with titty talk to the remix of my personal
Speaker 1: remake your personal remiket. Well, let's just get I just
Speaker 1: want the dancers to meet you because you're such an
Speaker 1: inspiration to them. We I I show my titties like
Speaker 1: no one's watching. That's that's really that's a motto here
Speaker 1: and it came from your speeches and uh, this is
Speaker 1: not a zoom. I need all dancers out here. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I just haven't been in person in the office. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, the president. Yes it is. I'm sorry, sir.
Speaker 1: This is Mike the bouncer. The other dancers can't come
Speaker 1: out right now. They all have cancer. Mike cancers here
Speaker 1: they got they got dancer cancer. You need to you
Speaker 1: know how we feel about that. Here, go see HR
Speaker 1: and discuss it with them. You're gonna be written up, okay, Marke,
Speaker 1: I'm going to see HR, not h HRS. Oh lord.
Speaker 1: She runs the office services department. She doesn't handle human resource. Sorry,
Speaker 1: Mr President, I didn't mean you to see all this. Uh,
Speaker 1: but thanks for coming. And if you want to get
Speaker 1: on stage, feel free. Wow, Madam President, we recommend that
Speaker 1: you do not get on stage. Okay. My security is
Speaker 1: telling me. Wow, I can't believe Darius that that lego
Speaker 1: was really going here. This is like a miniature strip,
Speaker 1: you know. Do you know what I had to go
Speaker 1: through to get these plans? Oh? Wow? And you just
Speaker 1: napp in that piece over there. There's a pull, there's
Speaker 1: a green stage, and then an orange stage, and there's
Speaker 1: a pull right here, and then it comes with four
Speaker 1: figurines and four mayor outfits. You can interchange the outfits
Speaker 1: on them. Okay, Blocos hasn't hadn't we haven't figured. Hold
Speaker 1: on a second, you're getting a phone call. Hello, black Os,
Speaker 1: this is Ramal. I have laced the legos that my
Speaker 1: coworker browed over with plastic exposures. You have approximately fifteen minutest.
Speaker 1: Let me put you on speaker and repeat that. Sorry show,
Speaker 1: Oh my, oh, buddies, Let's thank all of our alchemists
Speaker 1: for their absurd and glorious contributions today, starting with, of course,
Speaker 1: Mr Gary Anthony Williams. Gary, you're in Toronto? Can you
Speaker 1: tell us why are you legally allowed? Is there an
Speaker 1: n d A involved? Which I just joined all of
Speaker 1: the Toronto sporting teams I'm up here with whose line
Speaker 1: is it anyway? During their live tours? Yeah, and just reconnecting.
Speaker 1: I haven't been in Canada since they put the plastic
Speaker 1: sea through strip and their money and it's beautiful. It's beautiful.
Speaker 1: You can see right through their money now. Yeah. My
Speaker 1: favorite thing, of course is when you call someone in Kennon,
Speaker 1: they answered the phone this way. Sorry, hello, they answered,
Speaker 1: I haven't called anybody here. Yeah, try my best to
Speaker 1: captain proofs. And thank you very much for being here today.
Speaker 1: Thank you brother. Yeah, uh, let's go around the horn
Speaker 1: to Jackie Gonzalas to Ruthie Jackie too. Yeah, yeah, sorry,
Speaker 1: we needed the horn to get to you. Um, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for being here. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: What a good time. Well hell yes we're should folks
Speaker 1: find you and you're wares. I met Jackie Doruthe on
Speaker 1: Instagram and I've decided to just live, just live my
Speaker 1: life there and I'm not on email. I'm on an
Speaker 1: email for forty eight hours, so I'm I can't work
Speaker 1: living like it's the last two days. Yeah, you can
Speaker 1: really poop like no one's watching exactly. Not even Google,
Speaker 1: not even Google. I mean I can google things, but
Speaker 1: it's no longer to my personal preferences. I'm no longer
Speaker 1: getting the news stories that I want that are like
Speaker 1: cater made to what I usually google. It's a really interesting,
Speaker 1: it's a really interesting to live this way. Good luck.
Speaker 1: Please report back how it goes. Thank you, thank you
Speaker 1: all right? Sure a tool sing thank you for having me. Uh,
Speaker 1: this is not a plug, but I just I own
Speaker 1: an Alchemy this mug, but it does have the ninety
Speaker 1: degree angle and I would like a mug that doesn't
Speaker 1: now that I know that these exist, So just putting
Speaker 1: it out there to the R and D team at
Speaker 1: Alchemy this but thanks for having me lovely time. Appreciate
Speaker 1: all of that input as always. Mark Gagliardi. Yeah, thanks
Speaker 1: for having me. This was really fun. I love seeing
Speaker 1: you guys, I love playing with you. Uh. Got some
Speaker 1: cool news yesterday. We have an air date finally for
Speaker 1: season two of Blood and Treasure July seventeen. Paramount plus
Speaker 1: first episodes drop and then every Sunday after that, so
Speaker 1: check it out starting this summer July Disneyland's birthday. Huh.
Speaker 1: WHOA right? Pretty cool. Yeah, I don't know if the well.
Speaker 1: I appreciate that that was lined up specifically by the competitor,
Speaker 1: Paramount Greg Atkowski. Great to see you're still surfing and
Speaker 1: you'd like to let your board dry off behind you.
Speaker 1: That's why I always drive my board right here in
Speaker 1: the office. May all your bulls be muggish, may all
Speaker 1: your mugs be bullish and uh. A quick Google search
Speaker 1: shows me that Lego does have a power Puff Girl set.
Speaker 1: A word on whether Mojo Jojo is included and should be.
Speaker 1: Oh man, that's right. Thank you for bringing that home.
Speaker 1: Let's thank our producer and engineer to the stars, Mr
Speaker 1: doug Bane. Fine folks that I hurt media. Thank each
Speaker 1: and every damn one of you. We appreciate you more
Speaker 1: than you know. Please tell everyone you've ever met so
Speaker 1: we can appreciate them. To be kind to each other,
Speaker 1: human beings. Until next time, no