1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. We 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,959 Speaker 1: decided not to tell the kids. Marla knew that once 3 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: our three daughters understood that their mother had been given 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: one thousand days to live, they'd start counting. They would 5 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,079 Speaker 1: not be able to enjoy school friends, their teams for 6 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: birthday parties. They'd be watching too closely. How she looked, moved, 7 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:31,920 Speaker 1: acted eight or didn't. Marla wanted her daughters to stay children, unburdened, 8 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:37,479 Speaker 1: confident that tomorrow would look like yesterday. We threw everything 9 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:41,840 Speaker 1: at her, disease lectures, research, involvement in cancer organizations, yoga, meditation, 10 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 1: teas and soups. She even went to a storefront hewer 11 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 1: who lit incense, read her palm, and led her in prayer. 12 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: He declared her a badass because of her restorative powers. 13 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 1: It was a nickname that I promoted with all of 14 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:59,320 Speaker 1: her doctors and nurses because it was not only hopeful 15 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:03,320 Speaker 1: but true. She didn't just buy time, She cheated it, 16 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: squeezed months and years out of it. Marla was a 17 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:12,319 Speaker 1: statistical freak, innaboration, an outlier. One thousand days landed firmly 18 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 1: in our rear view mirror. That's John Melman. John is 19 00:01:17,319 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 1: a New York City based real estate executive. And this 20 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,680 Speaker 1: is a story of a devoted husband and wife making 21 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:27,200 Speaker 1: a painful choice to keep a shared secret from their children, 22 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: a complex and challenging decision made in the name of love. 23 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 1: I'm Danny Shapiro and this is family secrets, the secrets 24 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,480 Speaker 1: that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others, 25 00:01:39,840 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 1: and the secrets we keep from ourselves. We grew up 26 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:05,560 Speaker 1: in washing d c. And this is now nineteen and 27 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: I have a recollection of My father was a rabbi, 28 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:13,519 Speaker 1: and he was a somewhat of an avant garde rabbi 29 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: at that juncture in that uh he only wanted to 30 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: be a rabbi in metropolitan areas, not in a suburb, 31 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:26,959 Speaker 1: so really inner city. And so the first synagogue that 32 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,960 Speaker 1: he was at actually was at a church that shared 33 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:35,400 Speaker 1: Friday night and Saturday with the synagogue. And they took 34 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 1: the cross out of the room, and they brought the carson, 35 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: and they brought the arcs in and back and forth, 36 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 1: unusual for those days, very unusual. So there were many 37 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: politicians and others in the Jewish community that migrated to 38 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,919 Speaker 1: the synagogue, and before you knew it, he had five families. 39 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,240 Speaker 1: But even though John's father's congregation was growing in leaps 40 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: and bounds, there weren't schools nearby that were academically strong enough, 41 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 1: so John commuted each to a Jewish day school in 42 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 1: Silver Spring, Maryland. This meant he didn't have a real 43 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 1: childhood in the neighborhood because there weren't really any other kids. 44 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,560 Speaker 1: So John grows up a rabbi's kid with his own 45 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 1: set of parameters and expectations. The community keeps an eye 46 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,640 Speaker 1: on the rabbis kids. There are proper ways to behave 47 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:25,400 Speaker 1: an image to uphold, and then in John's dad's big 48 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: opportunity comes. He's the last candidate of over fifty rabbis 49 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 1: to be interviewed at the largest synagogue in Boston. He 50 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,400 Speaker 1: got the job. He got the job, and what was 51 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 1: interesting there was that my mother grew up in Brooklyne, Massachusetts, 52 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,119 Speaker 1: so it was really a coming home party because the synagogue, 53 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 1: al though is in Boston proper, it was a seven 54 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 1: or eight minute walk to our home in Brooklyne. So 55 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: I ended up going to the same high school that 56 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: my mother did, and my grandparents lived about two miles 57 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,600 Speaker 1: away where the house that she grew up in was 58 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: there that feeling too of the rabbis family needs to 59 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 1: comport themselves in a certain by that time, Yes, And 60 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:04,480 Speaker 1: now all of a sudden, we were the folks in 61 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,920 Speaker 1: that community had a higher standard than a small little 62 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,839 Speaker 1: synagogue in washing d C. So we've had the higher expectations. 63 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: We went on every Friday night, I went on every Saturday. 64 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,479 Speaker 1: This seems important, maybe even integral to John's story and 65 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:23,839 Speaker 1: what comes later. His being a rabbi's son, a family 66 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 1: held to a certain standard displayed on view for the 67 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,600 Speaker 1: whole community to see that. And also John grew up 68 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:36,120 Speaker 1: knowing that his father, the rabbi, was a keeper of confidences, 69 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: of secrets. It was his pastoral duty keeping secrets. Taking 70 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:46,599 Speaker 1: on another person's burden also meant preserving integrity. So John 71 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,280 Speaker 1: goes off to college. He wants to get as far 72 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 1: away from home as he possibly can, and his father 73 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,240 Speaker 1: tells him he can't cross the Mason Dixon line or 74 00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,799 Speaker 1: the Mississippi, so he winds up at the University of Michigan. 75 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:03,600 Speaker 1: He meets his future wife, Marla, when he's a senior 76 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,160 Speaker 1: and she's a junior. There with a group of mutual 77 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 1: friends who were all playing a game of intramural co 78 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:13,080 Speaker 1: ed football. For the first couple of games, um, I 79 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: just kind of bost her around, like you need to 80 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,279 Speaker 1: do this, you need to cover there, you need to 81 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,599 Speaker 1: do this, and every really didn't have relationship with her. 82 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,920 Speaker 1: And then we went out as a group to a 83 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: a bar pizza place after one of the games and 84 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,480 Speaker 1: I got to know her and she was actually dating 85 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,279 Speaker 1: or seeing one of the other guys on the team, 86 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,840 Speaker 1: and his name was Evan, and um I called up 87 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:37,560 Speaker 1: Evan because we were pretty friendly, and I said, Evan, 88 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,560 Speaker 1: I think I connected with Marla. I understand you may 89 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 1: be seeing her or I'm not sure you're dating her 90 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:45,039 Speaker 1: or whatever it's going on, but do you mind if 91 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 1: I asked her on a date? He said, sure, we're 92 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: just friends. It's no big deal, no problem. I have 93 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: no problem. Appreciate you asking and have fun. I think 94 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,360 Speaker 1: that was a Tuesday, I was, I think November four. 95 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,680 Speaker 1: The Thursday, November six, I called her and then I said, 96 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,599 Speaker 1: what are you doing tomorrow night? We went on on 97 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:04,160 Speaker 1: a date and that was thirty one years together. After 98 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: that date, I just knew that there was something about 99 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 1: Marla that I wasn't letting go of John graduates then 100 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,600 Speaker 1: finds a job very quickly in the real estate business 101 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: in Chicago. He and Marla commute back and forth, and 102 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 1: after she graduates, she joins him in Chicago, where she 103 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 1: begins working as a graphic designer. They get two apartments 104 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,719 Speaker 1: because their parents don't approve of a twenty one and 105 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 1: twenty two year old moving in together, and they keep 106 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,920 Speaker 1: up that charade for a year and a half. Then 107 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 1: John decides to go to business school. He's ambitious and 108 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,280 Speaker 1: needs another degree, and the two of them head down 109 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:40,880 Speaker 1: to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, but not before Marla's dad 110 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: corners John and asks the fatherly question, what are your intentions? 111 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 1: John's intentions, it seems from the moment he first meets Marla, 112 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 1: or to spend his life with her. They get engaged 113 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:57,600 Speaker 1: on Marla's birthday, so we got married. We went to 114 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,760 Speaker 1: a honeymoon, and I started work two weeks later because 115 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,479 Speaker 1: I had no money, and she found a job pretty 116 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,320 Speaker 1: quickly as well in the traffic design business. She was 117 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 1: pretty talented, and we started our lives. I was a 118 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,640 Speaker 1: lowly associate at Bankers Trust in the real estate investment 119 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 1: banking group, calling on clients and doing pitch books and 120 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 1: raising money, and that's what we did. We stayed in 121 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,960 Speaker 1: New York for about six years, and then we moved 122 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 1: out to the suburbs in the right one our second 123 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,280 Speaker 1: just before a second was going to be born. So 124 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,960 Speaker 1: your firstborn was born in the city. They were all 125 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,440 Speaker 1: born in the city. Were all born in the city. Yes, 126 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,720 Speaker 1: three daughters, three daughters. So we moved to Scarsdale, which 127 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,600 Speaker 1: is a bedroom community, which is about a thirty five 128 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 1: minute train ride from midtown. You're now a father of three, 129 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 1: and is Marla still working at this point. No, Marls 130 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:54,040 Speaker 1: stopped working shortly after Sarah was born. So what were 131 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:57,680 Speaker 1: those early years like of this young family living in 132 00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 1: Scarsdale and you commuting into the city. Once you you 133 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: know you're you're in the nursery school or preschool, with 134 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: the synagogue or with the elementary school. Then you all 135 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 1: of a sudden you have like these these automatic play 136 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 1: groups and friend groups and adult groups. I may not 137 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 1: have been the best father early on because I was 138 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:19,560 Speaker 1: working really hard. We're going to take a short break. 139 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,600 Speaker 1: I was working really hard, and I was never around. 140 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:36,800 Speaker 1: I was on the road three or four days a week. 141 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,520 Speaker 1: I was worked very very late, often on weekends and 142 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,959 Speaker 1: going back on the city on weekends. Or I worked 143 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 1: in an office and in my house. But I was 144 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 1: quite dedicated to my career at that juncture, and there 145 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:56,400 Speaker 1: were high expectations on that. I worked exceedingly hard for 146 00:08:56,520 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 1: my clients. So John and Marla live a traditional, lovely 147 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:05,480 Speaker 1: family life in suburban Westchester. He's ambitious, competitive in his work. 148 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: He loves the deal, the game. They have a vibrant 149 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:14,040 Speaker 1: social world filled with other families and John's clients. The 150 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:17,320 Speaker 1: girls are little. He's a devoted dad, though he also 151 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,079 Speaker 1: describes himself as distracted, not quite as present as he 152 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: wishes he had been. Now that he reviews history, his 153 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,840 Speaker 1: phone is never far away. Still, he's always at their 154 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 1: daughter's recitals and sporting events. He and Marla are in 155 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 1: the thick of abundant, busy, burgeoning lives. There are a 156 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:40,319 Speaker 1: couple who would seem blessed, golden, like nothing dark or 157 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 1: terrible could ever touch them. We had enormous fun hiking 158 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 1: and bike riding and a skiing and all sorts of 159 00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:57,080 Speaker 1: family excursions that included some form of outdoor experience. And 160 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,199 Speaker 1: having three daughters, they just saw this woman that could 161 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 1: do anything. I was a pretty good athlete, but I 162 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: wasn't anywhere close. So was this big joke that how 163 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: good she was, and you know, versus me. So the 164 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:14,199 Speaker 1: girls gravitated to her and her athleticism and her her creativity. 165 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,040 Speaker 1: And she was this designer and she could cook, and 166 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: she could she could art some crafts, and she put 167 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,600 Speaker 1: herself together with these incredible outfits. So she had this 168 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:28,600 Speaker 1: incredible design, athletic and persona that was. She had this 169 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:33,120 Speaker 1: stunning quality to her. Marla is diligent, very diligent about 170 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 1: her health. She takes care of herself, sees her doctors, 171 00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:40,200 Speaker 1: makes sure she stays on top of annual testing. Sure enough, 172 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,959 Speaker 1: in two thousand and nine, she went for her regular test. 173 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: I think it was on a Thursday. She went to 174 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,679 Speaker 1: test and she usually heard by the end of the 175 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,560 Speaker 1: day what the results were. And I was traveling and 176 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,080 Speaker 1: I came home on that Friday afternoon and she said 177 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,319 Speaker 1: to me, I'm not sure what's going on here. Doesn't 178 00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,079 Speaker 1: do something doesn't feel right, something doesn't feel right. This 179 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,080 Speaker 1: is taken too long. And she had a premonition and 180 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: that at four thirty or five o'clock the night before that. 181 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,320 Speaker 1: This was an hour or two before we had to 182 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,800 Speaker 1: go to this first initiation for bought Mitzvah's from my 183 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: oldest and we found out that, you know, there was 184 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 1: something we weren't really sure, but it was something, and 185 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,240 Speaker 1: that they thought it was the early stage of breast cancer. 186 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 1: And this was in March thirty one to two thousand 187 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 1: and nine that we got that in Zinger, and that 188 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 1: really rocked us. We weren't really sure where it came 189 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,480 Speaker 1: from and who got how how it existed, and so 190 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:39,080 Speaker 1: forth and so on, and before you know that, we 191 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:43,040 Speaker 1: spent the next few weeks interviewing doctors, surgeons, all sorts 192 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 1: of experts in the city. We were pretty well connected 193 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:47,840 Speaker 1: and we were able to find the right people pretty quickly, 194 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 1: and and we started finding out that the type of 195 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 1: cancer that she had was more severe from Ussell than 196 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 1: most others. Even though it was early stage. We knew 197 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,679 Speaker 1: that it was something that we needed to contend with, that, 198 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,640 Speaker 1: you know, we need to keep our eye on this one. 199 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 1: And then we found out after some further blood tests, 200 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: that there is a cancer and linkage or a determinant 201 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,400 Speaker 1: potential determinant of breast cancer in women from the Jewish 202 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:15,320 Speaker 1: faith that do have a link to a mutation called 203 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,520 Speaker 1: the b r C a mutation, and it turned out 204 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:22,839 Speaker 1: that when Marrol took the blood test, she had it. 205 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 1: If we had known this maybe five or seven years previous, 206 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,800 Speaker 1: we probably may have had kids sooner, and we would 207 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 1: have been more proactive than reactive to certain things that 208 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:39,120 Speaker 1: you can do under precautionary circumstances. You would have probably 209 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,880 Speaker 1: have done a bilader on vasectomy before you were thirty 210 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 1: or thirty five, and that ZIP code, and you probably 211 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 1: would have had your ovaries taken out by your time 212 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 1: you were forty. She was forty one. So this was 213 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: all happening, and so the all this news was coming 214 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 1: at us pretty rapidly, and we decided to do all 215 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:02,280 Speaker 1: that at once, and because we wanted to be extra 216 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,200 Speaker 1: certain at that time that we we're hopeful of zapping 217 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 1: the cancer. She decided to do eight rounds of chemo 218 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,280 Speaker 1: right after that, so she did a bilateral mess actomy, 219 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,080 Speaker 1: she had an ovaries remove, she did eight rounds of chemo. 220 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:18,319 Speaker 1: We had a six month period where she was really 221 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,520 Speaker 1: you know, taking it in it, in it, in it, 222 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:25,719 Speaker 1: And during that period of time, your daughters were eight 223 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: and eleven, and they were aware that she had been 224 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: diagnosed with breast cancer at that time, and they knew 225 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: that they knew that she was gonna lose her hair, 226 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:37,240 Speaker 1: they knew that she was going to be going through 227 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:41,240 Speaker 1: what I just described. But Marla took a very different 228 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:47,080 Speaker 1: approach to that. It's more mind over body and refused 229 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 1: to change her lifestyle for this diagnosis. And despite the 230 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:53,840 Speaker 1: fact that she couldn't run for a few weeks because 231 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:55,680 Speaker 1: of what was going on with some of the surgeries, 232 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: she was walking tremendously, and then even during chemo she 233 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,559 Speaker 1: wasn't supposed to run, she ran four or five six 234 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 1: days a week between during these periods times at very 235 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 1: long distances, and this was her way of telling cancer 236 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:15,760 Speaker 1: that so fast. So this showed the kids most importantly 237 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 1: that she wasn't going to succumb to any of the 238 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:26,880 Speaker 1: rumors or expectations of what toxicities would do. So everybody 239 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,840 Speaker 1: was telling her or you're gonna be really, you're gonna 240 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: be drowsy, you're gonna be nauseous, You're not gonna have 241 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:36,160 Speaker 1: any energy. She was up at six six every morning running, 242 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:41,960 Speaker 1: just refused, refused to listen to any of these whispers 243 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,760 Speaker 1: and just her body told her you can do this, 244 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: you can do this, And a couple of times she 245 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: rested and she didn't feel it. But for the most part, 246 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: she was defying anything that was told to her or 247 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,080 Speaker 1: risks that were told her. So the kids saw her 248 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,120 Speaker 1: living normally. She was involved in the school, she was 249 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 1: wearing a wig, a wig came off, she had short hair, 250 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,040 Speaker 1: it grew back. The kids didn't care. So would you 251 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: say at that time for your kids, this was like 252 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,480 Speaker 1: a speed bump, but not speed bump right. In fact, 253 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,600 Speaker 1: the entire time it was a speed bump because she 254 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,720 Speaker 1: never let it control her lifestyle. We went on trips, 255 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,400 Speaker 1: we were active in the community, We were socially active, 256 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 1: we were physically active. They didn't know that, but I'm 257 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 1: just saying this. Our lifestyle did not change, and they 258 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: didn't see any difference to a normal family that may 259 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:39,720 Speaker 1: not have been dealing with a cancer situation. Did the community, 260 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 1: you know, your community, the school community, the temple community. 261 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:47,280 Speaker 1: Did they know that? The first time we told everybody, 262 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 1: and Marlo didn't like that. It's plenty, too many Lasagnas 263 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,600 Speaker 1: and too many castle roles, and too many people coming 264 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 1: to the house and wondering and wanting and gossiping, and 265 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,800 Speaker 1: they were all scared for themselves, so they wanted to 266 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,720 Speaker 1: know what it was like. And she didn't like being 267 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,440 Speaker 1: the center of attention. She didn't like the pity. She 268 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 1: didn't like any of that aspect of it. So fast forwarding, 269 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 1: when it came back a couple of years later, she 270 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: refused it to anybody except for blood, except for the children. So, 271 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: just in terms of clarity, her cancer after the chemo, 272 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:32,720 Speaker 1: after the surgeries, went into remission. Yes, and the hope was, 273 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:36,560 Speaker 1: we're done with this a chapter, nothing more. We're finished. 274 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:38,880 Speaker 1: We're finished. And for that next year and a half 275 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 1: you would never have known. She felt good about her body. 276 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,960 Speaker 1: She liked the newly improved. That was important to her 277 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 1: in terms of her body. She wanted to feel good 278 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,640 Speaker 1: about it, and she felt that she licked it. And 279 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,960 Speaker 1: she was very involved. And at this time now we're 280 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,280 Speaker 1: involved in a big side of our community with the 281 00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: bar and bought Mitzvah's and so that was big part 282 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,960 Speaker 1: of Scarsdale, and and and the kids there was relatively 283 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,919 Speaker 1: i would say, of the community is Jewish. And our 284 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,640 Speaker 1: kids were now going through it every other year. So 285 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,760 Speaker 1: we had many, many of those, So that part of 286 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,840 Speaker 1: and Marla loved to dance and she loved to celebrate 287 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,919 Speaker 1: other people and herself. That was a big part of it. 288 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:22,119 Speaker 1: So she found, i would say, an ability to celebrate 289 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,960 Speaker 1: more after she had this, you know, first scare, you 290 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,680 Speaker 1: would never seen. Oh my god, she's incredible. I've never 291 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,919 Speaker 1: I've never seen anything like it, because she just blocked 292 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,399 Speaker 1: it away and and put her elbow into it and 293 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,400 Speaker 1: just threw it off. And the doctors were amazed. And 294 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,960 Speaker 1: every three and six months she got Queen Bill of Health. 295 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: We're all always was touching herself, always feeling, always feeling, 296 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,480 Speaker 1: and she was always doing her own little probing in 297 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: areas and her lymph nodes and her ears and her 298 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,479 Speaker 1: cheeks and her anywhere. But this area here and her 299 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:05,000 Speaker 1: this the clavital area she was always focused on, always 300 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,720 Speaker 1: focused on. And she felt a little p. And this 301 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,720 Speaker 1: is a couple of years after the first diagnosis, almost 302 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,439 Speaker 1: to the day. We always we didn't like March. We 303 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,160 Speaker 1: didn't like March. March. March was bad for us. So 304 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 1: she found a little p the size of a p 305 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,120 Speaker 1: on her clavical We went back to slown cattering. I'll 306 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:24,040 Speaker 1: never forget. The doctor said, you've got menesthetic breast cancer 307 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,160 Speaker 1: is back. He said, how can the p She's doing great, 308 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,520 Speaker 1: she feels great, he said to me, if it's not 309 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,600 Speaker 1: Hodgkins lymphoma kissed the floor that we're on. The chemo 310 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,640 Speaker 1: didn't work, he said, because it didn't get everything, so 311 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:43,399 Speaker 1: sometimes it leaks upwards into this area. So this is 312 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 1: a normal type of breast cancer cell that was not sapped. 313 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:52,440 Speaker 1: Marla's doctor knew even before the pathology was done. He 314 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 1: was an expert. He had seen this many times before. 315 00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:01,960 Speaker 1: Of course, the pathology confirmed his worst fears. Conventional chemotherapy 316 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:06,040 Speaker 1: had done what it could and ultimately had failed. Now 317 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:09,480 Speaker 1: it was time for specialized clinical trials. The best of 318 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 1: these for Marla was being conducted at Dana Farber in Boston. 319 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:18,639 Speaker 1: Their daughters at this point are now almost fourteen, almost twelve, 320 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 1: and just ten. Marla and John make a decision not 321 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:27,120 Speaker 1: to tell them that their mother's cancer has returned. We 322 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,000 Speaker 1: were told a thousand days early on. They were not 323 00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:34,159 Speaker 1: happy giving me that number. I pressed, because no doctor 324 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,240 Speaker 1: wants to be on the spit churning around with a date, 325 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,359 Speaker 1: A date certain His line was, you know, it's a 326 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 1: round a thousand days, but go live your life as 327 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,960 Speaker 1: well as you can. Marla did not want to tell anybody. 328 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:52,520 Speaker 1: And then we got on to this process and she 329 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,760 Speaker 1: felt good, and the trial was working and working and working, 330 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:01,879 Speaker 1: and all her accounts and all her numbers were below 331 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: before where she was previously. So she said, I feel good. 332 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,760 Speaker 1: I'm just now running up here to do my scans 333 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,800 Speaker 1: and so forth, and coming up here. Maybe I said 334 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,280 Speaker 1: of three or four times a month, it was two 335 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,200 Speaker 1: times a month. Once in a while, it was one 336 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,560 Speaker 1: time a month. But she wasn't blinking. She wasn't changing 337 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,439 Speaker 1: her lifestyle, and she was still playing tennis, and she 338 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 1: was still running, and she was still running under the 339 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 1: kids all over to their sports and all their activities, 340 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: and she was still hosting birthday parties and whatever the case. 341 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,240 Speaker 1: So she's like, okay, this is just the way my 342 00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:37,359 Speaker 1: chronic disease is going to enveloped my life. So the 343 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,480 Speaker 1: longer that she went, the longer she felt like, I 344 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,000 Speaker 1: don't have to tell anybody because I feel fine. I 345 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 1: have two questions. One is I mean, I think I 346 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,520 Speaker 1: really understand this um and I think I in many 347 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,000 Speaker 1: ways would feel the same way. But the feeling of 348 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,920 Speaker 1: I don't want people to know, I don't want people 349 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 1: to talk, I don't want the casseroles. Was that do 350 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,439 Speaker 1: you think was it? Is that pride or is that privacy? 351 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:03,679 Speaker 1: I think it was important that she did not want 352 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:11,440 Speaker 1: her kids lives tickled or affected or or bothered or 353 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:17,680 Speaker 1: any type of noise associated with her to link and 354 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:21,520 Speaker 1: make them worry or wonder. It was very simple. I 355 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,480 Speaker 1: want my kids to live a normalized lifestyle as if 356 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:30,000 Speaker 1: I was healthy, and I'm going to preserve that for 357 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,840 Speaker 1: whatever I can. And she did that for nine years, 358 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:36,919 Speaker 1: nine years, many more than a thousand days. So that 359 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,159 Speaker 1: leads me to my second question, which is the parents 360 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:43,399 Speaker 1: that were still living new or maybe siblings knew, but 361 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,879 Speaker 1: most people in your life had no idea that this 362 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,880 Speaker 1: was going on. Was what was that like for you? 363 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,600 Speaker 1: Was that isolating for you at all? Or did you 364 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:57,439 Speaker 1: just I'm I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing everybody's delts hands 365 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 1: in life. We gotta crab sandwich and we had to 366 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,200 Speaker 1: deal with it. We're going to take a quick break. 367 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 1: We gotta crab sandwich and we had to deal with it. 368 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 1: We never looked back and what was me? Why us? 369 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,480 Speaker 1: We never said that to each other. We never wondered, like, 370 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 1: you know, I wish it had it just we just 371 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,000 Speaker 1: accepted it. But we tried to accept it in a 372 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 1: manner that we fought it as fiercely as humanly possible. 373 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,480 Speaker 1: We used every access point that we possibly could, from 374 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:40,840 Speaker 1: a relationship standpoint, from an involvement standpoint, from traveling around 375 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:44,919 Speaker 1: two different hospitals to meet different doctors, to learn and 376 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:49,639 Speaker 1: to educate ourselves. So um, but there was nothing we 377 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:54,160 Speaker 1: can do. This is not hey, I broke my leg 378 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:58,000 Speaker 1: and it's gonna mend. We thought the first time that 379 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,920 Speaker 1: we'd get it. We knew this. Statistics were against us. 380 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:08,719 Speaker 1: Um and then even the second time, she out performed 381 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 1: and pushed the boundaries, you know, three and a half 382 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:18,360 Speaker 1: times more than somebody else should have, and enabled our 383 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:26,480 Speaker 1: kids two go through their puberty, their adolescent teenage years, 384 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: their high school years, you know, tough times for girls, 385 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,600 Speaker 1: not easy time for any girl. Saw them get into 386 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 1: their colleges of their dreams. They all were academically very 387 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:44,280 Speaker 1: strong students. They were also incredible athletes, and they all 388 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 1: played at a Division one level, which for Scarsdale Jewish 389 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:52,399 Speaker 1: girls was rare, so they were able to stay on 390 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:57,399 Speaker 1: track at a very very high level. That is probably 391 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:02,840 Speaker 1: only because of Marla that I saw this fierceness in 392 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,439 Speaker 1: her to fight the early days and the way that 393 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:10,399 Speaker 1: she lived her life knowing that she always had potentially 394 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:16,120 Speaker 1: had this cancer that was lingering. So it worked for us, 395 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:23,399 Speaker 1: It's not for everybody. It was uneasy fibbing. Could you 396 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 1: describe that a little bit? For instance, we'd go on 397 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:30,520 Speaker 1: a vacation, but marl we always had to schedule our 398 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:35,240 Speaker 1: vacations on scans or treatments, and they were all being 399 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,960 Speaker 1: done in Boston. So we would leave from New York 400 00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:41,040 Speaker 1: the day after she had her scan in Boston. She 401 00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 1: literally run back and then get on a plane. We 402 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,959 Speaker 1: go away. But then we go back and we come 403 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,040 Speaker 1: back to New York and Marlo go back to Boston. 404 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 1: Why is mommy going back to Boston? Oh, she asked 405 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 1: to you know, she's part of this trial. Yes, she 406 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,240 Speaker 1: was true, she was part of a trial. The piece 407 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,960 Speaker 1: of the truth, the piece of the truth. It wasn't 408 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,440 Speaker 1: like it wasn't as though this trial is keeping her alive. Kids. 409 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,760 Speaker 1: We never said that, And that was the truth. We 410 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:09,920 Speaker 1: called it the loving choice, to provide them enough information 411 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 1: that they knew what was going on, but not every detail. 412 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:22,080 Speaker 1: So Marla really was fine, totally fine for years. She's 413 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,600 Speaker 1: fine years in which she requires a tremendous amount of 414 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:30,280 Speaker 1: medical attention. Sometimes she wears a wig, but otherwise you 415 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,160 Speaker 1: really wouldn't suspect that she's dealing with a terminal illness. 416 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:40,080 Speaker 1: No one knows. But then, with her girls now all 417 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:44,440 Speaker 1: highly competent young adults, Marla starts running out of options. 418 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:49,560 Speaker 1: She's turned through every possible clinical trial and conventional medicine. 419 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:54,159 Speaker 1: She begins to develop tumors around her clavical again, and 420 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:58,159 Speaker 1: these are pinching her vocal cords. She has radiation and 421 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,960 Speaker 1: a port is put in. This, of course, becomes harder 422 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,960 Speaker 1: and harder to keep hidden. She has to change the 423 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:09,160 Speaker 1: way she dresses. No more summary outfits, nothing low cut 424 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:13,879 Speaker 1: or sleeveless. She wears scarves around her neck. I just thought, 425 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,879 Speaker 1: because she had this ability to regenerate, even when the 426 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 1: trial that they didn't think of trial was gonna work, 427 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,320 Speaker 1: it would work for six or nine months, and which 428 00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:27,000 Speaker 1: was unheard of. Most trials really work eight or sixteen weeks. 429 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,040 Speaker 1: I just figured we'd get through this holiday season. We 430 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,720 Speaker 1: have two graduations this year, one of which we had already. 431 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:35,159 Speaker 1: We have one in a month. I just figured she 432 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 1: would plow through this and make it because the red 433 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 1: letter days for her were so important to her. She 434 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 1: lived for those, She lived for those days. I just 435 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:49,600 Speaker 1: figured she'd do it. But Marla in September and October 436 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 1: could see that we were headed down a trickier place, 437 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:58,560 Speaker 1: and she decided, I'm done keeping this secret. I can't 438 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,439 Speaker 1: do it anymore. The guilt was was writing, and she 439 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:06,720 Speaker 1: wasn't sure what the timeline was. When you say guilt, 440 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:11,480 Speaker 1: was it because at that point she was facing her 441 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:16,120 Speaker 1: own mortality. Facing her mortality, she didn't want to walk 442 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,960 Speaker 1: around the house covering the port or the fact that 443 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,639 Speaker 1: she had different red spots because of the radiation. She 444 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,399 Speaker 1: just didn't want to hide anymore. She was certain she 445 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,320 Speaker 1: wanted to do in October, when the kids were home 446 00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 1: for the fall break and she felt then she felt better. 447 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,720 Speaker 1: She said, Okay, I'll just wait till Thanksgiving. Then she 448 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:38,240 Speaker 1: doesn't bad news in November that really there wasn't much 449 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,879 Speaker 1: left in terms of the even the conventional medicines, and 450 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,000 Speaker 1: there was one last Jefferd but the doctors were saying, 451 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 1: you need to start to get ready here. But I 452 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,840 Speaker 1: just figured she would do it for another six or 453 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,000 Speaker 1: eight months and to be a crappy summer of nineteen. 454 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 1: I thought the summer nineteen would be really grappy. They're older, 455 00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:58,600 Speaker 1: two daughters are away in college, and the youngest is 456 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,159 Speaker 1: a high school senior, and John and Marla set them 457 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:05,880 Speaker 1: down over Thanksgiving to break some of the news to them, 458 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:09,920 Speaker 1: not all of the news. So we told the kids 459 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:13,919 Speaker 1: and Thanksgiving that we were concerned, not worried, but we 460 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:17,119 Speaker 1: were concerned that mom had taken a turn and some 461 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,320 Speaker 1: things had occurred that we did not expect, and that 462 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:24,119 Speaker 1: we were working through them, but that we were basically 463 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 1: flashing a yellow light not to worry, and we had 464 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 1: a script that we had come in our mind, and 465 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 1: it went really well. And then Marla pushed the envelope 466 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:36,960 Speaker 1: a little bit in the conversation, and we had the 467 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:38,760 Speaker 1: girls in a pretty good place, because I don't think 468 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,640 Speaker 1: that they were totally surprised by all of this, that 469 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,400 Speaker 1: there was something going on, because the little one was 470 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 1: at home and I'm sure she was telling the sisters that, 471 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:48,200 Speaker 1: you know, my mom has been running around a little 472 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,240 Speaker 1: bit more. And she said in this conversation, and we 473 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,360 Speaker 1: had talked about this line, which was, you know, there's 474 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: the likelihood that I'm gonna make it to a d 475 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:01,400 Speaker 1: is very low, and then she said head and I 476 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,480 Speaker 1: was shocked by and I did a turn with my 477 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 1: neck on't forget, she said, and it's unlikely that I'm 478 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:11,200 Speaker 1: gonna make it to sixty. And that's when we had 479 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,160 Speaker 1: a little bit of bed limb in the house. The 480 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:17,480 Speaker 1: girls were not expecting that, and that sort of changed 481 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:20,960 Speaker 1: the vibe and the rhythm to the conversation. But she 482 00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:25,720 Speaker 1: had had enough of the gamesmanship that she had and 483 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:29,680 Speaker 1: the brinksmanship that she had. John how old was Marla, 484 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 1: So she January she would have been fifty two. And 485 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:38,360 Speaker 1: then just a couple of weeks later, Marla takes a turn. 486 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 1: She's feeling extremely parched, an unusual symptom, and asks John 487 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:46,000 Speaker 1: to take her to the hospital so she can get 488 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:49,920 Speaker 1: ivy fluids. It's there at the hospital that it's discovered 489 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,240 Speaker 1: Marla is hours away from septic shock. There was a 490 00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:57,560 Speaker 1: hole in her stomach that a tumor had perforated. And 491 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:00,440 Speaker 1: then two weeks later, this, we had a hard right turn, 492 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,160 Speaker 1: and the girls knew that it was a hard right turn. 493 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:06,200 Speaker 1: And I will say that during those times in the hospital, 494 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:10,640 Speaker 1: which were incredible to see her mind work, they were 495 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: incredibly thankful that Marrow it shows the way to play 496 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 1: this out and to wait it out and not linking 497 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,880 Speaker 1: and not telling them. That was comforting to Marlow that 498 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:29,320 Speaker 1: her decision, which was in their best interests, which she 499 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:36,360 Speaker 1: always wondered about, was the right one. And in the 500 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:41,400 Speaker 1: aftermath of Marla's death, has that feeling continued. I think so. 501 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:43,840 Speaker 1: I think so. We know we're dealing with different levels 502 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:48,440 Speaker 1: of grief in terms of denial and anger and super sadness. 503 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:52,520 Speaker 1: I call it. Different kids have different moods. I wish 504 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 1: I could get everybody on the same page to have 505 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,000 Speaker 1: a bad day the same day, but that doesn't happen 506 00:30:56,320 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 1: to me. Especially Nevertheless, there are some friends that we're 507 00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:05,200 Speaker 1: in a different predicament of theirs that knew about their 508 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:10,840 Speaker 1: parents illness and they were miserable knowing about it, worrying 509 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 1: about it. What happened to the doctor's appointment? What did 510 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,880 Speaker 1: the doctors say, what what did the tests say? What 511 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,280 Speaker 1: does this mean? How can can we are, we are 512 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:23,680 Speaker 1: we going to be normal? We're not. And that had 513 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:27,720 Speaker 1: an effect on everybody, on these children, and that they 514 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,480 Speaker 1: told the kids how lucky they were for not knowing. 515 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:36,000 Speaker 1: And I think that that resonated with the girls, and 516 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 1: I think that that comforted them that in retrospect they 517 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,000 Speaker 1: probably saw signs that they were they could have been 518 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:45,160 Speaker 1: more picked up on. And they were snoopy too, And 519 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,080 Speaker 1: I'm sure they looked at emails and texts and so 520 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 1: forth and so on, but they we never really talked 521 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:57,360 Speaker 1: about it until Thanksgiving. Now it's December. There's no question 522 00:31:57,440 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 1: now as to what's happening to Marla. She's dying and 523 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:05,200 Speaker 1: everyone knows it. The time for secrecy and all the 524 00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:10,360 Speaker 1: protections it offers has passed. Marla has been dealt. How 525 00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:14,840 Speaker 1: did John put it earlier, A crap sandwich. But within 526 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:19,320 Speaker 1: that crap sandwich is incredible intentionality. She's going to mother 527 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:22,920 Speaker 1: her girls her way, right up until the very end. 528 00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:26,480 Speaker 1: She told me to get the kids and bring him in, 529 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:30,120 Speaker 1: and she needed to tell them a few things each 530 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,720 Speaker 1: what I called her the hopes and dreams, as in 531 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,000 Speaker 1: her hopes and dreams for them and dreams for them, 532 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:40,360 Speaker 1: and so the three kids were in there, and we 533 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,800 Speaker 1: each have a parent that's alive, so they were there, 534 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,160 Speaker 1: and one of Marlo's brothers were there, and we had 535 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:49,960 Speaker 1: a family friend who was our housekeeper who was also 536 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: a caregiver to Marlow as well, and so she was there. 537 00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:58,600 Speaker 1: So we had this experience where we all finally got 538 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:00,720 Speaker 1: everybody to gather because we have tried level and people 539 00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,920 Speaker 1: were in different places and so forth. So we got 540 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:07,400 Speaker 1: everybody together and Marrow had a script in her head, 541 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:11,480 Speaker 1: but she didn't tell me what she was going to say. 542 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:13,600 Speaker 1: I kind of knew what she was gonna say, but 543 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:19,440 Speaker 1: I didn't know exactly how elegant and eloquent and articulate 544 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:23,360 Speaker 1: she'd be. This is a person now, who is you know, 545 00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:27,360 Speaker 1: seven seven days away from passing, six days away from passing, 546 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:29,840 Speaker 1: and I didn't know that it will be six days 547 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,440 Speaker 1: or sixteen days or one day. We propped her up 548 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:37,800 Speaker 1: on the bed and she closed her eyes and she 549 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:41,959 Speaker 1: just spoke as though she was reading a tele prompt her. 550 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:44,080 Speaker 1: It was just the most amazing thing that she would 551 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:46,920 Speaker 1: It was like as though she rehearsed it, and it's 552 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,080 Speaker 1: not like you and I are talking now and we're 553 00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:52,320 Speaker 1: just doing it off the cuff. This was incredibly rehearsed 554 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:57,120 Speaker 1: and and laid out in a precise outline for every person. 555 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:04,520 Speaker 1: Six days later, Marl passed away on December. John estimates 556 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:08,480 Speaker 1: that between eight and fifty nine people attended her funeral. 557 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:12,799 Speaker 1: But on this day, with her family gathered around her, 558 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,600 Speaker 1: she shares her hopes and dreams for her daughters as 559 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:20,920 Speaker 1: if laying out a series of life plans. Her extraordinary 560 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,920 Speaker 1: parting gift. And then we had a popsical party, a 561 00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,279 Speaker 1: popsical party, had a popsic party. Then we played this 562 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:32,120 Speaker 1: game Cars Wants Humanity and she was a judge, and 563 00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:34,440 Speaker 1: we had lots of hooting and laughing, and she had 564 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:38,360 Speaker 1: this very tart sense of humor and she was, you know, 565 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:49,440 Speaker 1: she was in full force. Many thanks to John Melman 566 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:52,719 Speaker 1: for sharing his family's story with us. You can find 567 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,560 Speaker 1: his essay My wife was dying and we didn't tell 568 00:34:55,600 --> 00:35:00,480 Speaker 1: our children on the Atlantic dot com. Families Secrets is 569 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:04,800 Speaker 1: an I Heart Media production. Dylan Fagan is the supervising producer, 570 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,960 Speaker 1: Lowell Brolante is the audio engineer, and Julie Douglas is 571 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: the executive producer and a very special thanks to Tristan 572 00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:16,600 Speaker 1: McNeil for his soundscaping work on this episode. If you 573 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:18,960 Speaker 1: have a family secret you'd like to share, you can 574 00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,680 Speaker 1: get in touch with us at listener mail at Family 575 00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:25,000 Speaker 1: Secrets podcast dot com, and you can also find us 576 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:29,040 Speaker 1: on Instagram at Danny Writer, and Facebook at Family Secrets 577 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:33,040 Speaker 1: Pod and Twitter at FAMI Secrets Pod. For more about 578 00:35:33,080 --> 00:36:05,759 Speaker 1: my book Inheritance, visit Danny Shapiro dot com. Yeah for 579 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:08,319 Speaker 1: more podcasts. For my heart radio, visit the I Heart 580 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:11,319 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 581 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:12,040 Speaker 1: favorite shows.