Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called Defecto or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast, which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now. Rust your
Speaker 1: podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to
Speaker 1: the Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go listen to
Speaker 1: see I buy Hey, Yo, what's good y'all? We recorded
Speaker 1: these episodes before all the news about COVID night Steam broke,
Speaker 1: but we wanted to let you know that we're here
Speaker 1: for you, and we hope that these episodes can bring
Speaker 1: you a little bit of joy and escape in these
Speaker 1: uncertain times. Peace first and foremost. Cadine is not here,
Speaker 1: so this episode is dedicated to the fellas. So this
Speaker 1: is like the locker room. So let me start by
Speaker 1: saying this. Before I got married, I knew I ain't
Speaker 1: no shit about marriage. Now and I'm married, I still
Speaker 1: don't know ship about marriage. Hey, I'm Cade and we're
Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos without boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'm making me derby most days. And one more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium Matty Couples. Dead
Speaker 1: ass is a term that we say every day. Where
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take Philow's off to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: as starts now. So, since it's the locker room, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna give you guys some insight into things that you
Speaker 1: normally don't hear about. My bachelor party. All right, My
Speaker 1: bachelor party was, Oh, I want you to close your
Speaker 1: eyes and think about the best man. You remember the
Speaker 1: best man, my brother, my best friend below and all
Speaker 1: my cousins. They got me aloft in the city. It
Speaker 1: was private. Yes there was strippers, and yes there was alcohol.
Speaker 1: But this is the most funny thing about bachelor parties.
Speaker 1: None of that stuff is for you. Everybody got their money,
Speaker 1: they got the alcohol. The strippers come in, they line up,
Speaker 1: they do they dance on you for about three or
Speaker 1: four minutes, and you really don't have that much fun
Speaker 1: because you're nervous. Like I was nervous because I was
Speaker 1: thinking about the next day. I was gonna be losing
Speaker 1: my independence as a man because I would be getting married,
Speaker 1: and marriage, for me is the rest of my life.
Speaker 1: So I did spend a lot of time while I
Speaker 1: was at my bachelor party reflecting because also my my
Speaker 1: brother in law and my and my best friend made
Speaker 1: sure that I didn't get too drunk because you still
Speaker 1: have to get married the next day, so you know,
Speaker 1: I was really watching my alcohol. I still had to
Speaker 1: write my vows. I wrote my vows the night before
Speaker 1: my wedding, so we had a good time, but there
Speaker 1: still was a lot of thought going into what was
Speaker 1: gonna happen the next day. So I was still very
Speaker 1: focused on completing the task and getting down the aisle
Speaker 1: and making sure everything was perfect for the next day.
Speaker 1: So you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen. We
Speaker 1: have three men with us here today. You guys know
Speaker 1: Marcus Taksley. You probably heard him on this season talking
Speaker 1: about stop clocking his wife's uterus. He got four whole boys,
Speaker 1: please welcome back and bringing the married man's perspective. My
Speaker 1: man Marcus Tainksley, good family, how y'all doing this? Next
Speaker 1: person is a crowd favorite. Everybody knows him from playing
Speaker 1: Gary Marshall Borders on BT Sister. This is my man,
Speaker 1: everybody's favorite uncle Uncle Cheetoh, what's everyone? How y'all doing?
Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Last, but certainly not least, we got
Speaker 1: Brian Jordan Jr. Classically trained dancer singer plays Maurice on
Speaker 1: Sisters on BT. So for karaoke today, we're gonna do
Speaker 1: something different. Brian is going to bless us with the vocals.
Speaker 1: Scary of each time sing Brian sing Brian, I don't
Speaker 1: know the words. You don't have to. That's all they need.
Speaker 1: That's all they need. That's what they get a karaoke.
Speaker 1: They get six and seven seconds and that's everybody's favorite parts.
Speaker 1: It's the best no words you ever hear. That's why
Speaker 1: I let Brian sing to my wife. If y'all, if
Speaker 1: y'all watch us on Instagram, you season And then he
Speaker 1: started singing He's kicked out in the house and shut up. So, gentlemen,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for doing this. I know It's
Speaker 1: a very scary topic for for us because this is
Speaker 1: kind of like the locker room. This is this is
Speaker 1: the locker room. Family gonna hear what happens in the
Speaker 1: locker room exactly exactly, and the sad youth. There's a
Speaker 1: lot of people don't like what comes out of the
Speaker 1: locker room. That's why it stays in the locker room.
Speaker 1: But this is dead ass, so we like to be
Speaker 1: dead absolutely. So I want to start by asking the question,
Speaker 1: the question of the title right, Is marriage still the priority?
Speaker 1: Brian Cheetoh, you guys are both dating. Me and Marcus
Speaker 1: are already married in two thousand and twenty for the
Speaker 1: black mail the millennial black male. Is marriage still a priority?
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. I don't think that it's um as much
Speaker 1: as a priority as it seemed to be twenty years ago.
Speaker 1: But it's important to me. It's a priority to me.
Speaker 1: Cheeto mt he should talking before the mice. I want
Speaker 1: to hear this. It's crazy. I mean, um, my parents
Speaker 1: have been married for a very long time in deparents
Speaker 1: from Nigeria from Nigeria came over. Obviously, still loves still going.
Speaker 1: I've seen the ups and downs, the strains, and everything. Um.
Speaker 1: But as a single man and I'm coming up and
Speaker 1: I'm working my way up, you know, income life experiences,
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, yeah, even coming up, it wasn't like
Speaker 1: three You're like, am I gonna marna get married? Just
Speaker 1: like hmm, well Marcus, you you got married. What did
Speaker 1: you have the same feeling? Because they they seem to
Speaker 1: share the same, you know, feelings about it. Brian is
Speaker 1: a little bit more deliberate about wanting to get married,
Speaker 1: but kind of like it happens, but he wants to cheat.
Speaker 1: O kin Like, I don't even know if I want
Speaker 1: to say. I had the same thought process even when
Speaker 1: I was dating my my wife. It was just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, I think a lot of
Speaker 1: men go through that, even if what they're looking for
Speaker 1: marriage is just like that reluctance of I don't know,
Speaker 1: I'm giving up so much. When you talk in actuality,
Speaker 1: you're not giving up anything. You're actually doing the best
Speaker 1: thing possible for you. At least that's how you viewed it.
Speaker 1: How a view that now that I am married and
Speaker 1: have been through it, um, and they have been married
Speaker 1: for you know, going on thirteen years now, But I
Speaker 1: had that same reluctance. And you know, we talked about
Speaker 1: this in our podcast and everything. It's just like, I
Speaker 1: can't pay OnPoint exactly what a lot of men are
Speaker 1: reluctant to give up, other than all the theoretical women
Speaker 1: that we think we might be able to get real
Speaker 1: as honest, it is like, no, that is that even
Speaker 1: though I'm here with you and I don't plan on
Speaker 1: going the word but what if you like, but now
Speaker 1: I look back, like what if? What idiot? Like what
Speaker 1: do you mean? That's what I want to told myself?
Speaker 1: Then I'm an idiot. But the truth, you know, there's that,
Speaker 1: like you know, I'm speaking for that. You said that
Speaker 1: that be honest. If you don't want to be honest,
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, be honest. There's options out there. I'll
Speaker 1: just say yes. And it's like when you're able to
Speaker 1: you know, you're able to meet a lot of these women.
Speaker 1: It's just like you said, like, what is what is
Speaker 1: what is marriage really gonna? What is it gonna make
Speaker 1: me give up? I mean, what is so exciting about
Speaker 1: it that I have to start everything that I'm doing
Speaker 1: right now to jump into this. And and yes, there
Speaker 1: is a part of me that hopes that love and
Speaker 1: that the fantasy of love and the idea is going
Speaker 1: to be like to sit down. But right now, especially
Speaker 1: right now, I'm like, so good. And the crazy thing is,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that. The crazy thing about that is
Speaker 1: you don't know until you're marry how it is. And
Speaker 1: that's the scariest you know, He's like, because I know
Speaker 1: how it is to be out here doing what I
Speaker 1: want to do, right, I know how good. And if
Speaker 1: it hurt, I'll recover from it and I come back
Speaker 1: and do whatever I want to do again. But with marriage,
Speaker 1: you like affecting your life somebody else's full life. And
Speaker 1: then if you have kids and you really you know
Speaker 1: so and and and this is the crazy part. And
Speaker 1: I'm glad we have this conversation because what you just
Speaker 1: brought up is the key component to marriage or not marriage. Right.
Speaker 1: Men haven't been able to articulate without offending women by saying,
Speaker 1: what do I gain out of being marriage? So you
Speaker 1: you you're afraid to say it. So me, I'm not
Speaker 1: afraid to say it because I'm already married. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, my wife, No, I'm not trying to court.
Speaker 1: It's difficult for you to say that. Why You're still like, according, right,
Speaker 1: men are concerned about this all right. When it comes
Speaker 1: to marriage nowadays, all the choices are given to women.
Speaker 1: If I say to you, I want a wife who
Speaker 1: cooks or cleans, then it's like, well, don't be so
Speaker 1: old school. We're not with the matriarchy, right. If I
Speaker 1: say I want you to have kids, it's like, well,
Speaker 1: it's my body. I'm gonna have kids if I want
Speaker 1: to have kids, all right. If you know that your
Speaker 1: sex drive is high and your wife's isn't, it's high.
Speaker 1: She has the right to say she doesn't want to
Speaker 1: have sex, and you have to have sex when she
Speaker 1: wants to have sex, how she wants to have sex,
Speaker 1: and when she wants to have sex. So, realistically, as
Speaker 1: a man, what am I signing up for if everything
Speaker 1: in my life is going to be dependent on what
Speaker 1: you want to do, when you want to do, and
Speaker 1: how you want to do it, And if I try
Speaker 1: to vocalize what I want to need is considered misogynistic.
Speaker 1: And to be honest, it's difficult for men to think
Speaker 1: about that, especially in their mid twenties, because it's like,
Speaker 1: why am I giving all my choices to somebody else.
Speaker 1: And the sad truth is people don't want to vocalize
Speaker 1: it because it sounds messed up. But when you get married,
Speaker 1: that's what you do give up. You give up all
Speaker 1: of that because there has to be a purpose. Now.
Speaker 1: I didn't get into why I got married, but I
Speaker 1: always wanted to be married, like it was something that
Speaker 1: I grew up watching my my grandfather. I grew up
Speaker 1: watching my father and my uncle's they're all married, and
Speaker 1: there was something about the union of marriage that drew me.
Speaker 1: You know, my godfather, uncle Frank, isn't married, and I've
Speaker 1: seen different, you know, different lifestyles, but there was something
Speaker 1: about having children and coming home to a family that
Speaker 1: was just exciting for me. So for me, marriage wasn't
Speaker 1: only about just me and her. It was about what
Speaker 1: we're gonna build. And when you figure out what you're
Speaker 1: gonna build, the things that happened with you and her
Speaker 1: be almost become secondary, which is scary because you can
Speaker 1: lose yourself in your marriage because the idea of the
Speaker 1: marriage becomes bigger than you and her. And that's what
Speaker 1: I want to talk with you guys about. You see,
Speaker 1: that was one of the things with me. That's that's
Speaker 1: what it was. I had this false sense of I
Speaker 1: have to be at a certain level before I get
Speaker 1: married because I grew up my parents were married to day,
Speaker 1: my father that they were married for forty six years,
Speaker 1: and I saw that whole coming home, you know, the
Speaker 1: whole family thing. So it's like, I have to be
Speaker 1: able to support this before I bring someone else into
Speaker 1: this union. I have to reach a certain level of success.
Speaker 1: And then while dating, I saw how much my wife
Speaker 1: was better at me. It was like, I cannot reach
Speaker 1: that without her. She betters me, and that's gonna be
Speaker 1: my only way elevate. Now I look back just like
Speaker 1: I'm glad I came to that realization then and not,
Speaker 1: you know, ten years later, we talked. We talked about
Speaker 1: this all the time in my house. That was the thing.
Speaker 1: And even tell a wife and she was like, why
Speaker 1: what makes you, you know, pull away from marry so much.
Speaker 1: I was like, because I want to be at a
Speaker 1: certain level. I want to be able to have a
Speaker 1: certain income. I want to be a certain position in
Speaker 1: my life. She does support, No, yeah, before I bring
Speaker 1: because I want to be able to support whoever I
Speaker 1: bring in. And then she was just like, you know,
Speaker 1: you don't see anyone build a house about themselves and
Speaker 1: that and obviously um because it's like what is that level?
Speaker 1: You know? And that in fact the facts dating too,
Speaker 1: because like I remember points when I was coming up,
Speaker 1: and you know, you meet beautiful women, You're like, oh man,
Speaker 1: this is like a potential partner. I could talk to everything,
Speaker 1: but like I'm not where I'm at, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. And then I'm just gritting and grinding. And
Speaker 1: you know, this industry with trying to play ball, trying
Speaker 1: to um um grow grow your career as an actor.
Speaker 1: You're going through these pigs and valleys, and that affects
Speaker 1: you as a man. Sometimes it's like, well damn, I
Speaker 1: can't even I can't even take you to the movies
Speaker 1: right now without really checking my pockets. So I'm like
Speaker 1: I'd rather not even I got one. Sometimes like I
Speaker 1: would have not even wished the sign, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like just I'm cool with I'm cool right
Speaker 1: now because I can't give you what you're looking for
Speaker 1: by myself. I can't even provide a little simple thing
Speaker 1: is taking you out someone. You know. What I was
Speaker 1: gonna say is I think that, Um, what has been
Speaker 1: established in modern dating is these expectations of men to
Speaker 1: have so much, or to have this great job, or
Speaker 1: to have and so what happens is there is an
Speaker 1: innate insecurity that we learned from when even when we
Speaker 1: a little boy. Remember when I was a little boy
Speaker 1: and I was in elementary school and I've got this girl,
Speaker 1: this Valentine's thing that I begged my mama to buy
Speaker 1: so that I can give to her, and she hated it.
Speaker 1: It was cheap, my mom, wint you know? Look, she
Speaker 1: hated it. And ever since then, I've always thought about, like,
Speaker 1: I know that I have to make this amount of money.
Speaker 1: I know that I'm an actor. I know that I
Speaker 1: don't make enough money right now to support someone. And
Speaker 1: and what stops young black men? Because I'm twenty eight
Speaker 1: and when I think about saying, Okay, I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: and get married, what can I offer? What do I
Speaker 1: feel like I have enough? Am I insecure about what
Speaker 1: I have or what I don't have? And I think that, um,
Speaker 1: if you don't understand that things are more than money,
Speaker 1: then your first mind would be like, well, I'm just
Speaker 1: wait until i'm you know, seventy five and I don't
Speaker 1: gotta retire a month to You know a lot of
Speaker 1: people in our culture where a lot of people look
Speaker 1: at like Michelle and Barack has the pinnacle, and it's
Speaker 1: like they didn't meet each other as Michelle and Barack
Speaker 1: each other struggling, but they were kids. They don't have
Speaker 1: the money, don't have anything. They went into that, I'm sure,
Speaker 1: and it's like and they build each other up to that,
Speaker 1: and a lot of people see the end result. They
Speaker 1: see you, well, it's a bad example there, But Claire
Speaker 1: and Cliff hospitable, you know that whole thing. And it's
Speaker 1: like no, no, no, no, they started from ground zero
Speaker 1: and build that. It wasn't oh we're starting here at
Speaker 1: the top. You work your way up to the town. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: what I think we need to be concerned about, especially
Speaker 1: as Black people, are the myths and the narratives that
Speaker 1: are created that ultimately destroy our culture. I've been doing
Speaker 1: research for the past week about this and shout out
Speaker 1: to Trouble because she always hits me with some statistics. Right,
Speaker 1: one of the myths in this country is that black
Speaker 1: men don't earn as much as black women. So that
Speaker 1: myth has created a stigma that black women should start
Speaker 1: dating outside of their race because black men just don't
Speaker 1: make enough money to support the black household. Just because
Speaker 1: black women are more likely to graduate from college, which
Speaker 1: is part of the this this study done by Yale,
Speaker 1: then their male counterparts doesn't mean that they out earned
Speaker 1: black men. Actually, black men are more likely than black
Speaker 1: women to bring home at least seventy dollars annually. Because
Speaker 1: of the double standards and the gender gap in the income,
Speaker 1: black men remain the breadwinners in the African American community.
Speaker 1: That's not a narrative that we're here, we're hearing that
Speaker 1: we don't make as much money as black women because
Speaker 1: black women get degrees to the one the black men.
Speaker 1: But you know what just came out in the study
Speaker 1: from Harvard. White women out get degrees at a higher
Speaker 1: level than white men to the one. So it's the same,
Speaker 1: it's the same ratio, but they push one ratio because
Speaker 1: it's like, hey, black men aren't good enough. Because and
Speaker 1: then the other stigma that's pushed out is once a
Speaker 1: black man is successful, that he's more than likely to
Speaker 1: marry someone that's not black. Now I already know the numbers.
Speaker 1: What percentage of Black men who earn over a hundred
Speaker 1: thousand dollars because major of the country earns less than
Speaker 1: fifty dollars, it's nine percent of the population or nine
Speaker 1: percent of the American population earned over a hundred thousand dollars,
Speaker 1: which is considered rich. What percentage of Black men who
Speaker 1: earn over a hundred thousand dollars date or married Black women? Marry?
Speaker 1: Excuse me? Married? According to of that, I want to say,
Speaker 1: like seventy, I probably say about pent of Black men
Speaker 1: who earn over a hundred thousand dollars married black women.
Speaker 1: But the reason why you thought it was women was
Speaker 1: married don't marry? No, yeah, married black women. Make over,
Speaker 1: here's funny. It's funny. All of my friends who I
Speaker 1: played ball with, WHI graduated, all married black And that's
Speaker 1: why I would saying because I'm thinking, I'm like I
Speaker 1: thought you everybody native come from that black women are undesirable.
Speaker 1: And the thing is eight percent of all Black men
Speaker 1: who are married are married to black women. So where
Speaker 1: did the narrative come from that black men don't marry
Speaker 1: black women and black women aren't getting married was glorified?
Speaker 1: And what you see on social media and stuff, you know,
Speaker 1: like or just in general what they pushed. It's like this, yeah,
Speaker 1: like you get some foreign check or whatever, and it's
Speaker 1: just like pumped and put. I even noticed it when
Speaker 1: I used to watching like music videos. I remember, like,
Speaker 1: I mean, do you see like when I was coming
Speaker 1: watching like all the videos was like a lot of
Speaker 1: black video vixens. And then like there's like a shift
Speaker 1: and then it went to this like this, and then
Speaker 1: you just and then it just became the thing where
Speaker 1: you have to have the new, baddest something exact chick
Speaker 1: in there. And so when you're sitting back in your
Speaker 1: impressionable years coming up, that's what you're saying. So you're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I guess when I do get on and I do
Speaker 1: make this thing, that's what I gotta put my view
Speaker 1: what everybody's gonna think. Its good. Might get that on
Speaker 1: my hand, But this I don't understand though. Even in
Speaker 1: the early two thousand's, right, those those men who had
Speaker 1: those video vixens, they were marrying them. I just got married,
Speaker 1: to be honest with the black lives. So I think
Speaker 1: the message was getting laws your party, you have a
Speaker 1: good time. But they were settling with with black women.
Speaker 1: And I think that our culture has been poisoned with
Speaker 1: this idea that black men don't desire Black women. Women
Speaker 1: feel like black men don't want them, and it makes
Speaker 1: it more difficult for people dating my young kids who
Speaker 1: are in college, when they tell me, just like you said,
Speaker 1: there's a man I don't make. I don't know if
Speaker 1: I make enough money to day a black woman. And
Speaker 1: I don't know if I could date a black woman
Speaker 1: because I don't have my degree at and it's all
Speaker 1: about degrees, and it's just like these people are just people,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And it makes it difficult.
Speaker 1: Did you, guys, did you feel that way? I know
Speaker 1: you got your degree. I wasn't really too turned off
Speaker 1: by a woman wanted me to bring something to the
Speaker 1: table as far as like my education. That's one thing
Speaker 1: I could control right now. Nothing like an education or
Speaker 1: like if you have like a trade or skill like
Speaker 1: that you're working towards. I wasn't because I do want
Speaker 1: someone that kind of wants a standard. But you definitely
Speaker 1: there was they don't like man like. I think more
Speaker 1: for me, it was more of the finances that that
Speaker 1: was really running towards. I wasn't really turned back by
Speaker 1: someone being like, well, yeah, he like what's he your
Speaker 1: your boy? This guy, what is he going to school?
Speaker 1: What's he doing this? Like what's that? And if it
Speaker 1: was a no, I was even looking at like, bro,
Speaker 1: you doing right now and you're not doing nothing? Like
Speaker 1: I can't even be around you right now because I
Speaker 1: want my circle of people to be elevated. I loved
Speaker 1: when me and my boys walking the room and the
Speaker 1: girl was like your girls, like, what's up with your friends? Like, oh,
Speaker 1: my boy players here, you go to school. Here, he's
Speaker 1: working on this. That's what my whole team was looking like,
Speaker 1: because I thought that was just that you were never
Speaker 1: afraid to approach women. Were you ever afraid to proach
Speaker 1: women because you didn't make money or didn't feel like
Speaker 1: for sure? Um one thing? That education is also something
Speaker 1: that has been at the forefoot of my life and
Speaker 1: I've always excelled. But I wasn't a cold and not
Speaker 1: a working actor for six years. And so when you
Speaker 1: come to somebody and say what, like what job, what's
Speaker 1: your job? And it's like, oh, you know, I'm an
Speaker 1: acting Like what's your real job? You know they say that,
Speaker 1: and so it's just like, no, no, I'm you know,
Speaker 1: I'm a serious actor, and you got twelve roommates. You know.
Speaker 1: It's just like I ain't gonna worry about it, like
Speaker 1: I ain't gonna text them all. You know, That's just
Speaker 1: what it is. It's like, you know that even if
Speaker 1: she acts like she into it, after a while, she
Speaker 1: gonna get to if you're not making that money. It's
Speaker 1: just like and and so when you find somebody like
Speaker 1: Codeine who wants to ride with you that but who
Speaker 1: wants to go don't don't get but you know, it's
Speaker 1: just like that is rare with black women. And so
Speaker 1: I think that, um, in my experience with black women,
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna get killed in the middle, it might
Speaker 1: explain you always have experience with already. So it's it's
Speaker 1: like in my experience it has literally been I've literally
Speaker 1: been in so many situations that I can't even count
Speaker 1: where I've been told well maybe you are to um, yeah,
Speaker 1: you can work. I mean you gotta make money, like
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, I hear you. And now today it's
Speaker 1: a whole different story. See with me, it was because
Speaker 1: it was the same thing. You know, I'm really from Lestern, Kentucky.
Speaker 1: And that was the thing. Like all my boys were
Speaker 1: in school. I went, I got a social degree in
Speaker 1: industrial electricity, so I was an electrician. They were still
Speaker 1: in school. I was already buying cars and how's money?
Speaker 1: So and me when I looked at women, and I
Speaker 1: always wanted somebody that I'm attracted to intelligence. So if
Speaker 1: you have a bachelor's degree, No, how do you feel
Speaker 1: when women say if he don't have a bachelor's degree
Speaker 1: or a master that's because that's what that's That's what
Speaker 1: it was. It was like, all my boys are going
Speaker 1: to UK there, you know, college just threw out. I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, where you going to school? I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm done with school. It was like oh you know,
Speaker 1: and we all leave and get in our cars. And
Speaker 1: mine is a little newer because like where you're going,
Speaker 1: Oh we are going to my house? Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1: It's that type of thing. Like I never really it
Speaker 1: never really bothered me. It's like, oh, you ain't got agree, No, No,
Speaker 1: I'm good. My dad to income ratio was phenomenal, you know. Um,
Speaker 1: And that's and that's how it always always looked at it.
Speaker 1: But it does. It used to like when I was
Speaker 1: younger dating it did sometimes it feels some type of way,
Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, I was just like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm good with this, you know, And like, right now,
Speaker 1: my wife she's got two bachelors and two masters and
Speaker 1: working back to get a document and just like, that's
Speaker 1: type of thing I like. So I always wanted the
Speaker 1: woman that made equal to or more than me. I
Speaker 1: always said that because I'm like, I know what I
Speaker 1: bring to the table when I'm capable of bringing to
Speaker 1: the table. The fact that I like this intelligence, I
Speaker 1: know that's gonna elevate mine. I was like, why don't
Speaker 1: you want to make it less than me? I'm good.
Speaker 1: It might be like like who are you? It's like,
Speaker 1: I know I'm gonna bring doctor right therefore, you know,
Speaker 1: I want to see that. It's funny to hear you
Speaker 1: say that, because there's another myth that educated black women
Speaker 1: have it harder than anyone else in the country to
Speaker 1: find a husband. Here's the truth, I have documentation, getting
Speaker 1: a college degree is the worst thing a black woman
Speaker 1: can do if she wants to get married. Right, We're
Speaker 1: not exactly new stories about black marriage often mentioned that
Speaker 1: more black women persu higher education than black men by
Speaker 1: a two to one ratio according to some estimates. But
Speaker 1: what these articles leave out is that white women also
Speaker 1: earned college degrees more than white men, same to the one,
Speaker 1: and because of the gender and balances, hasn't hurt white
Speaker 1: women's chances at natural morning. What's more, black women who
Speaker 1: finished college actually improve their chances of marrying rather than
Speaker 1: lowering them. Among black women, college graduates are married by
Speaker 1: forty whereas only sixty of black high school graduates are
Speaker 1: married by that age, which means that women who get
Speaker 1: degrees have a higher chance of getting married than not.
Speaker 1: So that leads me to this question. When you look
Speaker 1: at what you're looking for in a spouse, what are
Speaker 1: you looking for in a woman? I gosh, I mean
Speaker 1: if that's I mean, that's that's there's a lot of
Speaker 1: question because I guess I've gotten to the I'll speak
Speaker 1: for myself, my experience going through that struggle of trying to,
Speaker 1: you know, get my finances in the point and then finally,
Speaker 1: you know, touching on what you talked about, getting my
Speaker 1: finances to a point where I feel like I want
Speaker 1: to look around. Then I'm like, well, I want to
Speaker 1: experience the success with my free the freedom of my
Speaker 1: success right now. So you know, I want to enjoy things,
Speaker 1: not necessarily doesn't mean chasing a whole ship ton of women.
Speaker 1: It just means, like I enjoy being by myself. I
Speaker 1: enjoy being able to get up and go move where
Speaker 1: I want to move. And I'm not really sure right
Speaker 1: right now, I'm really looking to even share that experience.
Speaker 1: So you don't have a list of things that you're
Speaker 1: not even Yeah, I mean I mean that there's a
Speaker 1: check list of what I'm looking for. And like when
Speaker 1: I see a girl exotic, youbody get chilled because it's
Speaker 1: it's it's progressed too, because um, look, okay, look I'm
Speaker 1: a bachelor, all right, I'm very I'm single, very single.
Speaker 1: H what's the damn check you're saying it is? I mean,
Speaker 1: intelligence is everything. Um, you kind of get past the looks.
Speaker 1: I mean it's I know it sounds crazy because the
Speaker 1: look you that's supposed to get you at first. But
Speaker 1: if I sit down, I do you know, mingo a lot,
Speaker 1: go to lounges and stuff, and I sit down and
Speaker 1: talk and there's no intelligence there. There's nothing, no substance, nothing,
Speaker 1: So they got it I'm checked out even no matter
Speaker 1: how beautiful would I mean, if I'm shopping, but it's
Speaker 1: like there's there's not white material. It's not white material
Speaker 1: that and she goes immediately goes into this category here,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, yeah, we can, we
Speaker 1: can do are looking for the category, but you ain't you.
Speaker 1: You can't come over your life, life and material. I
Speaker 1: ain't bring you around, you know. Yeah, that's what that is.
Speaker 1: That maybe maybe she ain't so different, but for me
Speaker 1: and two of y'all really know me well in this room,
Speaker 1: I am physicality and something that's important whatever to everybody,
Speaker 1: but for me, I will be immediately turned off. If
Speaker 1: you are not smart, I just can't do it. Like
Speaker 1: I can't even be around immediately. I don't even want
Speaker 1: to smash, to be honest, I can't do it. I
Speaker 1: want to know if you're smart. I want to know
Speaker 1: if you're funny. You gotta be funny, you gotta be
Speaker 1: able to deal with my funny just can't work like
Speaker 1: I can. I don't want to be around you. So
Speaker 1: this brings me to pretty much like the meet of
Speaker 1: the show, Right, we're getting to marriage. Say you meet
Speaker 1: this girl, right and you hypothetically, hypothetically and she not
Speaker 1: now for you, I've already met him, right, and you
Speaker 1: you're already out of talk about ready to leave. I'm
Speaker 1: getting really uncomfortable on scorm in my chair. I'm hearing
Speaker 1: this marriage dog no. But it's funny you say that.
Speaker 1: So many men get nervous when it's time to think
Speaker 1: about marriage. And for all the young guys who are
Speaker 1: in my inbox, they all say the same thing, devout,
Speaker 1: why should I get married? And their thought processes And
Speaker 1: I know you you want to say that though processes.
Speaker 1: All they hear from women nowadays is I'm chasing my
Speaker 1: bag about my career. Don't ask me to cook, don't
Speaker 1: ask me to clean. You get your mama to do that.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Like, and it's like, and
Speaker 1: you think about marriage if you're looking for a life partner, right,
Speaker 1: you don't want to cook, you don't want to clean,
Speaker 1: you don't want to have babies. You only want to
Speaker 1: have sex. When you want to have sex, Why would
Speaker 1: anybody commit to that? And I'm telling you how that
Speaker 1: because that's what you think about before you get married,
Speaker 1: because you once you say this is forever, this is forever, forever.
Speaker 1: I can only have sex when you want to have sex,
Speaker 1: and I can't sex with nobody else. You don't want
Speaker 1: to cook and clean? I got I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: find somebody else to do that. So it's like, what
Speaker 1: do I have a roommate? That's just a woman who
Speaker 1: controls my life and my whereabouts. That's what men think about,
Speaker 1: and that's the truth. I got a question for the
Speaker 1: guys who are still single. Do y'all actually hear that
Speaker 1: out of women about I don't want to cook. I
Speaker 1: don't want to call her a countless amount of time?
Speaker 1: Anybody wife worthy? Have you heard it from anybody wife worthy? Yo?
Speaker 1: I would let me tell yourself like this, first of
Speaker 1: all cooking, Let me tell yourself that I was literally
Speaker 1: like in love with this woman recently and she it
Speaker 1: wasn't I ain't gonna cook, she ain't have pots in
Speaker 1: her house, like it ain't eat. I can't to learn
Speaker 1: that story. But the whole the movements of women empowerment
Speaker 1: has often taken out the idea of being motherly and
Speaker 1: being a home nurturing because they have looked down on
Speaker 1: women who do that so much, where they're like, I'm
Speaker 1: not doing it. I'm not falling back into the patriarchy
Speaker 1: of what life used to be. I'm gonna be a
Speaker 1: breadwinner just like you, which I can't respect for that.
Speaker 1: But my thing is if I'm a man and I'm
Speaker 1: a breadwinner, because women do come to the table with
Speaker 1: their lists. They come with their lists. So if if
Speaker 1: the long list right, and if their list means that
Speaker 1: I have to be a breadwinner, I have to provide
Speaker 1: and protect. I'm not looking for somebody who got the
Speaker 1: same things on my list. I can do that for myself.
Speaker 1: I'm saying is if everybody winning bread and ain't nobody
Speaker 1: baking it, then we still can't true and you like
Speaker 1: to cook, I do, and I don't want to have
Speaker 1: to feel like if I don't want to cook today,
Speaker 1: we gotta go. It's gonna be bost like it. Literally.
Speaker 1: I think that there is such a deep rooted like
Speaker 1: confusion in African American people when it comes to dating
Speaker 1: each other, and it stems from slavery. It seems from
Speaker 1: where African American people even began and where we learned
Speaker 1: how to treat women or we learned how to treat men.
Speaker 1: And I think that what black women connect the hurt
Speaker 1: too is something that is not even black men doing.
Speaker 1: It's something that it's just we are descendants of slavery,
Speaker 1: all of us. Here. Slavery began when African slaves were
Speaker 1: traded heres of royalty. I just wanted to royalty. And
Speaker 1: now we at the bottom of the totem pole because
Speaker 1: all we could do was come to America and learn
Speaker 1: what they taught what the us and so what they
Speaker 1: taught us was to mistreat the women are, to treat
Speaker 1: them differently, to separate, and I think we still deal
Speaker 1: with that today. So actually they were doing the same
Speaker 1: thing they were teaching us. What they were doing, absolutely,
Speaker 1: that's all. That's all we knew. And so today I
Speaker 1: think that even as Caucasian culture has ascended to a
Speaker 1: place where the white men, the white women fight for
Speaker 1: equality just like we do, they respond differently to their
Speaker 1: men than Black women do. And so in my experience,
Speaker 1: I feel like black women have held um us responsible
Speaker 1: for something that all of us aren't doing. Like I've
Speaker 1: been told so many times that black women don't I mean,
Speaker 1: black men don't support black women, and and I support
Speaker 1: so many black women women like it's like a platform
Speaker 1: of mine. You know what I mean? And um, and
Speaker 1: so it's it's hard to deal with that and then say,
Speaker 1: let me get married to this woman who say that
Speaker 1: black men don't support and I support her, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. It's just it's it's difficult. I think
Speaker 1: that there's a disconnected So don't think the battle between
Speaker 1: black men and black women in our culture has really
Speaker 1: caused an issue in the marriage, well in the nuclear families,
Speaker 1: because it seems like we're competing with each other into
Speaker 1: so turned into me, like who's bringing what to the table.
Speaker 1: And then in terms of so I don't need you,
Speaker 1: and it's like, I'm actually glad you don't need me,
Speaker 1: need me. I actually just want you to want me,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like that, that's a that's
Speaker 1: a dope statement because I say it to my wife
Speaker 1: all the time. I say it all the time. I
Speaker 1: want to be wanted. Yeah, that's I'm good with that.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't. I don't want to be. I
Speaker 1: want to be I want to come in the house
Speaker 1: and know that you want me to be here. That's
Speaker 1: what I don't want to feel like it's an obligation
Speaker 1: for you to drive me here, because then it becomes
Speaker 1: a chore, then it's not organic, Then it's not love.
Speaker 1: So it's it's that's like a deep statement. Black men
Speaker 1: want to be wanted. We also got to understand too,
Speaker 1: that black women wanted to be. I don't want to
Speaker 1: be in a position where I feel like there's some
Speaker 1: men who were just felt like they were so rushed
Speaker 1: and pressured into being married, and then they get married
Speaker 1: and now they're like, man, I feel trapped whatever it is,
Speaker 1: and then the woman's in over there, like, man, I
Speaker 1: don't feel like what you're saying. What you're saying is
Speaker 1: the truth. I felt that way. And the funny thing
Speaker 1: is I put the pressure on myself because I grew
Speaker 1: up during the time where you had to race. You
Speaker 1: wanted to race to be successful because everybody around you
Speaker 1: is being successful. So you graduate from college, you we
Speaker 1: go to the league. What's next, Oh, I gotta get married,
Speaker 1: what's next? Buy a house, what's next? I gotta have kids.
Speaker 1: I wasn't a race to do all these things to
Speaker 1: prove my success, to prove my worth as a black man.
Speaker 1: And in doing all of that, I missed out on
Speaker 1: what it meant to be a husband. And I really
Speaker 1: was a shitty husband because I wasn't really paying attention
Speaker 1: to my wife. You know what I'm saying. Like I was.
Speaker 1: I was earning money, I was working hard, I was
Speaker 1: being a good dad. I was buying property. I was
Speaker 1: doing everything that I needed to do to check my
Speaker 1: own list that I needed. But I wasn't doing anything
Speaker 1: that she wanted because I felt like I was doing
Speaker 1: what I you know, what I needed to do that. Uh.
Speaker 1: I've also noticed that, you know, um, black women, black man,
Speaker 1: there has been people have been waiting a little longer.
Speaker 1: You know, people are entering their thirties and have to
Speaker 1: taking their time because there is there has to be
Speaker 1: a form of self discovery, especially for me. I mean,
Speaker 1: like I said, I meet plenty women and I could
Speaker 1: just sit down listening. I'm just like, man, you you're
Speaker 1: you're carrying maybe baggage or you haven't really think out
Speaker 1: what you're really looking and you're looking for me to
Speaker 1: figure that out for you, and I can't do that.
Speaker 1: I want to meet someone who's on who's on their
Speaker 1: on their path and it's figuring out themselves and and
Speaker 1: knows what they want. And I actually like meeting people
Speaker 1: who a little bit more seasoned, ye journey, And that's
Speaker 1: what because what I'm hearing is um like I'm here,
Speaker 1: like I'm hearing the different cities that we grew up in,
Speaker 1: the different generations we group. And that's why I like
Speaker 1: me and wife. We talked to all our single friends
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I am so glad I am not
Speaker 1: dating right now. How difficult it is, like, especially when
Speaker 1: you want to find somebody's like, yeah, we're just dating,
Speaker 1: but I want to be I want you to be
Speaker 1: worth dating. And it even sounds like a struggle too. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I'm like me, Like, you meet someone who's just
Speaker 1: a woman that's head to her thirties, she got her
Speaker 1: career setting, everything's good. She's like, Okay, you're on the
Speaker 1: same age. We should be right, we should be ready
Speaker 1: to dating right now. You got your career, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got my career, but I kind of want to
Speaker 1: do my thing. And even though you are a potential
Speaker 1: partner and you've got ship together, I'm just a right,
Speaker 1: I just kind of wanted casual. Yeah, That's why I
Speaker 1: ended in. That's why I'm glad I entered into it
Speaker 1: at a younger age because, like I said, I had
Speaker 1: my career. She was still building her career, which I
Speaker 1: didn't mind. I shifted and it seemed like and my
Speaker 1: grandmother used to say this, my grandmother, she's got Alzheimer's now,
Speaker 1: but she's very old school. She said that the worst
Speaker 1: thing that ever happened to the black family was the
Speaker 1: women's movement, because no one wants to be at home
Speaker 1: to build families, he said. She She said, y'all are
Speaker 1: here having all these babies. At the time, my brother
Speaker 1: had had a baby out of what very young. You're
Speaker 1: having all these babies, and nobody's home to raise these babies,
Speaker 1: and babies gonna go up to be adults. And I
Speaker 1: was like, man, that's that's true, because no one values
Speaker 1: home anymore. No one values being a homemaker being no truth.
Speaker 1: And that's not just women, men too, Like I enjoyed
Speaker 1: being a father. I love being a father, right, And
Speaker 1: dudes be like, it's a lot take them to school,
Speaker 1: you do that, you gotta make for sometimes I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: because that's part of being a fun. Man. How much
Speaker 1: I heard there from dudes when I just had my
Speaker 1: fourth son. We got four kids, and they were like, man,
Speaker 1: y'all got another kid. Man you're gonna be changing diaperseness.
Speaker 1: I'm like, when I'm bady, I got somebody to take
Speaker 1: care of me. You know what I'm saying. This is
Speaker 1: a legacy I'm building right here. Like and they were
Speaker 1: that's how they were taught, like it was a negative thing.
Speaker 1: I'm like, have you lost your mind? So you think
Speaker 1: that's the mindset of people these days? When you met
Speaker 1: your wives? Like how did you? Like? Okay, how do
Speaker 1: you even how do you even know? Because I share
Speaker 1: what what your your single friend goes through where you're like, okay,
Speaker 1: I want to smash, hang out, smash, smash match and
Speaker 1: they're like, wow, I can't want something a little more
Speaker 1: serious than what comes with it. You're like whoa, whoa,
Speaker 1: whoa wha And then it's like how and this is
Speaker 1: just for the merry guys, Like I mean, how did
Speaker 1: y'all even know? That's a great question because from me
Speaker 1: the bad chick, and you're like okay, and yeah, for me,
Speaker 1: it's um. Like I said earlier on, it's like I
Speaker 1: saw how much she would better me. I was a
Speaker 1: better by being with her. Um. She was one of
Speaker 1: those people like you know, coaching you along. It wasn't
Speaker 1: like somebody riding your cotails along for the rat, which
Speaker 1: is like, oh, you plan on going through the door. See,
Speaker 1: let's take a step back. Don't do that. Yeah, let's
Speaker 1: let's say a B and D. You know, it's like,
Speaker 1: let's let's think about this. And I was like, you
Speaker 1: know what this chick is actually she actually you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm thinking if I don't hear
Speaker 1: and grab this, because somebody else might suit through, you know.
Speaker 1: And on top of that, like all my uncles, they
Speaker 1: were all marride and I mean I got some uncles.
Speaker 1: They all got kids around the same age by different women.
Speaker 1: But one of my uncle's told me, actually he told
Speaker 1: my brother. My brother was telling me about it, he
Speaker 1: said he told me. He actually told me one day.
Speaker 1: He said, you know, when you found the right woman,
Speaker 1: it's gonna get a little deep. He said, you found
Speaker 1: the right woman when you can picture her sitting beside
Speaker 1: you at your mother's funeral. Basically, someone who you see
Speaker 1: yourself setting aside in your darkest, deepest, most hurt moment,
Speaker 1: supporting you. And that's like, okay, so it's but I
Speaker 1: understand it bigger. It's bigger than oh, you know, smashing
Speaker 1: his chicks. Mashing his chick You know what does she make?
Speaker 1: It is like, hold on, how are we truly going
Speaker 1: to survive this world and better each other? Because it's
Speaker 1: bigger than that. You know, you got you got a legacy,
Speaker 1: you got a family to carry on, and you need
Speaker 1: a partner to do that with. And that's I know what.
Speaker 1: You know he doesn't want to say. He doesn't want
Speaker 1: to say cause she be getting nervous. But you know
Speaker 1: that like the idea right now, I can admit, like
Speaker 1: the idea of marriage is is beautiful, yes, but like
Speaker 1: friendly guys this, but there's a reason why. There's a
Speaker 1: reason why Cheeto disclosed to me a long time ago
Speaker 1: that he had never been in a situation financially where
Speaker 1: he could live the life he wanted to live before
Speaker 1: you getting married. Now, let me be clear, right, we
Speaker 1: do have to wait longer because nobody here came from
Speaker 1: generational wealth. You came from generational from you. So we
Speaker 1: in our life spend out twenties trying to build our
Speaker 1: generational wealth. Then we get to our thirties and we
Speaker 1: can enjoy it. Right. I remember when I was in college,
Speaker 1: my white counterparts dad's had money. So on the weekends,
Speaker 1: they were on yachts, they were on boats, they were
Speaker 1: having parties. They so they had that opportunity to live
Speaker 1: their life. So it's like, you know what, I'm getting
Speaker 1: married at seven because I've done all my fun things already.
Speaker 1: In the black experience in America, we don't have that experience.
Speaker 1: My father didn't give me a trust fund, in a
Speaker 1: in a car and told me to enjoy myself. On
Speaker 1: the weekends, I was I was training, or I was
Speaker 1: in my books. So then when I started to make money,
Speaker 1: it's like, I have to enjoy this first. Now I
Speaker 1: had met Kay going through the whole process, and I
Speaker 1: always wanted to be married. And it's funny you say,
Speaker 1: what you know, how do you know when you met
Speaker 1: the person? You won't meet the right person until Cheetah
Speaker 1: was the right person to be married. Because you have
Speaker 1: to be prepared mentally to say I am going to
Speaker 1: do this and deal with all the bullshit that comes
Speaker 1: to being married. And I'll break it down to this
Speaker 1: because it's what all the single men asked for the vow.
Speaker 1: How you have sex with one person all the time,
Speaker 1: and how do you see and no it's the truth.
Speaker 1: And they say, how do you how do you not
Speaker 1: only that, deal with the fact that she may not
Speaker 1: want to have sex as often as you want to
Speaker 1: have sex, because they tell me the stories. They're like, Yo,
Speaker 1: I got I go through my d m s. I
Speaker 1: hit somebody up on a Monday, she's not available. I
Speaker 1: hit the next one until I hit somebody and then
Speaker 1: I do the same thing on the Tuesday and the Wednesday,
Speaker 1: and I get what I want and what I need.
Speaker 1: When you're married, you have no more d ms. So
Speaker 1: if that person is not prepared, you know you can't
Speaker 1: do it. And what happens is is that men get
Speaker 1: shamed for having high sex drives. They call us dogs,
Speaker 1: they say we're immature. Right, so then you start to
Speaker 1: feel like, damn, am I supposed to not be a man? No?
Speaker 1: It is not natural to be with one person for
Speaker 1: the rest of your life. It's not normal. It's not normal.
Speaker 1: But let me ask you this, if you want to
Speaker 1: do something great in your life, can you do anything
Speaker 1: great in your life being normal? No? So when you're
Speaker 1: going into marriage, don't go into marriage thinking I can
Speaker 1: be normal in my marriage. There is a discipline to
Speaker 1: be a monogamous, that you have to be prepared before
Speaker 1: you take that on. And then once you take that on,
Speaker 1: then you'll find then you'll start to realize, like, wait,
Speaker 1: this woman here is worth being disciplined. And that's really
Speaker 1: the key. It's not really about the woman. You gotta
Speaker 1: find it. You're not even at that point yet, bro,
Speaker 1: So for you looking for women that's worth it. You
Speaker 1: not even you don't even want to be discipline You
Speaker 1: don't want to. You don't say you're not looking for
Speaker 1: it's fine to be at that point. Yeah. And different
Speaker 1: after marriage, and it's it's a it's different. It's like
Speaker 1: it's deeper. It's different sex. Sex, it's a whole different thing.
Speaker 1: It's not smashing. It's like no, no, for real, it's
Speaker 1: like a deeper deep like that. And what they have.
Speaker 1: You still may have smashed sessions, you got that. Look,
Speaker 1: we got fifteen minutes, what we got, let's go, but
Speaker 1: you have sex. It's you know, I would imagine that
Speaker 1: it would have to be though, yes, yeah, for this
Speaker 1: have to be designed that way. You know, it's like
Speaker 1: we got to find something deep. Here's another thing too,
Speaker 1: when you have kids, right, because for me, marriage was
Speaker 1: about legacy. Everybody gets married for their own reasons. Marriage
Speaker 1: for me was my legacy. I want the Ellis name
Speaker 1: to live on eternity. What better way than to have
Speaker 1: your name live on through eternity is to have your
Speaker 1: own children and teach them everything that you learn and
Speaker 1: have them take all of your teachings and tell their
Speaker 1: kids and tell their kids. Like to me, that was
Speaker 1: the most important part of marriage. The companionship, the friendship,
Speaker 1: her cooking and cleaning me cooking and cleaning, sexualless stuff.
Speaker 1: You can find that in a buddy or a best friend.
Speaker 1: If you have a best friend that's a female, you'all
Speaker 1: can do that and don't got to be married, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. It was about the legacy, like
Speaker 1: building it, you know, like that's that to me was
Speaker 1: the most important part of marriage. And marriage ain't for
Speaker 1: everybody because you sit down and think about it sometimes
Speaker 1: and I have buddies. A lot of my friends are married.
Speaker 1: A few of us are kind of where I'm at,
Speaker 1: and it's like deaf kids definitely, It's like I want kids,
Speaker 1: but do I want marriage? And they're supposed to go together,
Speaker 1: but don't have to know. People were making it work
Speaker 1: that way with this new age until you got that
Speaker 1: baby's mama and me it's like, I don't like you
Speaker 1: want to get married. This is what I will say.
Speaker 1: What I've gathered just being here and observing the room
Speaker 1: is the people who are single and the people who
Speaker 1: are married. And both of you guys said it, which
Speaker 1: I don't know what your experiences with like men and
Speaker 1: your family, but both of you guys said that you
Speaker 1: had a lot of uncles who were married and your
Speaker 1: parents were your parents married, My parents were not married.
Speaker 1: My uncle's are seeing I think my uncle may be married,
Speaker 1: but it's like his seventh marriage, like and so so
Speaker 1: growing up. For me, what I the reason why I
Speaker 1: want to get married, and I think I'm more sure
Speaker 1: than cheetoh is is because I saw the trajectory or
Speaker 1: the journey that those men had without being married. My
Speaker 1: dad is not married, you know what I mean, Like
Speaker 1: my mom is not married. You know. When so I
Speaker 1: I understand that in love, I want my life to
Speaker 1: be different than those before me. And so I know
Speaker 1: that when I see um a vivid illustration of a
Speaker 1: marriage and where I'm close enough to devour to know.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes when you get upset or I see
Speaker 1: him deal with his kids and deal with his wife.
Speaker 1: This is probably my first exposure to so. I mean,
Speaker 1: I tell the Valanchio all the time, like, I don't
Speaker 1: really care for kids. Um, and I talked right out
Speaker 1: of college and I did not like the kids. I
Speaker 1: do not like kids. Kids. I love each of them,
Speaker 1: and I don't know what that's about. I have nieces
Speaker 1: and nephew I don't and I love his kids. I
Speaker 1: don't know what it's about, but I think that it's
Speaker 1: because like and I love I have a niece that's
Speaker 1: like my god daughter and I love her, but my
Speaker 1: sister is single. Um de valence, it's a heat. There
Speaker 1: is a family unit that y'all think, y'all see on Instagram,
Speaker 1: but it's it's truly something that's inspiring. And so in
Speaker 1: the eight months or nine months that I've been a
Speaker 1: different conversation right there, in the eight months nine months
Speaker 1: that I've been doing the vow, it has helped me
Speaker 1: to understand that I actually do want kids. I think
Speaker 1: that I was. I'm afraid that what I have to
Speaker 1: offer right now without a partner, it's something that I
Speaker 1: got it as a kid, and it wasn't enough, and
Speaker 1: I dealt with struggles. I deal with things growing up
Speaker 1: because I did not have a unit. And I believe,
Speaker 1: and that's why I'm saying that, I believe that to
Speaker 1: adequately raise black men and women in America, there needs
Speaker 1: to be a unit. That's just what I believe. That's
Speaker 1: I mean. Um, it's crazy because I have I come from.
Speaker 1: My parents are still together. I've been together a long time.
Speaker 1: But like I said, I I've been over enough to
Speaker 1: um see the ups and downs of of marriage. On
Speaker 1: the flips out of that, there is that we're I'm
Speaker 1: the second oldest, so I passed away but pretty much
Speaker 1: been the oldest my entire life. So for my personal experience,
Speaker 1: and maybe there's others after that to share the same thing,
Speaker 1: like when you do start accumulating wealth or making money.
Speaker 1: I have six other siblings, so I've always constantly shared
Speaker 1: a room shared. I've never when I really sit down
Speaker 1: to myself and things like damn, I'm never really just
Speaker 1: like I was wondering where I was like clutch on
Speaker 1: the things, or just when I just want to be
Speaker 1: at home by myself in my introvert No, sometimes just
Speaker 1: like damn, I just want to be find him first apartment.
Speaker 1: That was the first time five four years ago when
Speaker 1: I moved out hotel, was the first time I had
Speaker 1: my own place to myself and my years of being
Speaker 1: off this earth, you know what I mean. So it's like,
Speaker 1: all right, I want to do cheeto right now. So
Speaker 1: I don't want to put it as like there was
Speaker 1: something going on that's it was coming up. I think
Speaker 1: it's that was a hard transition for me, going single
Speaker 1: to being married and what we were in age by
Speaker 1: the time I moved out here, we were engaged and
Speaker 1: living together and me, I was used to having my
Speaker 1: own thing. And it's like, I'm a neat freak, like
Speaker 1: like to the point of the hell life for people,
Speaker 1: and it's like she's not. It's like polar opposites, but
Speaker 1: they say the opposite attract I guess. But what was
Speaker 1: that about the neatness of women and men? Know? It
Speaker 1: depends defense. I'm gonna tell you it depends because it's
Speaker 1: a myth that that men are messy and women keep
Speaker 1: the house, but it's really not. It depends on it
Speaker 1: depends on the area of the house. Houses. Man, girl,
Speaker 1: you live like this? Who you dating? Bro? Question? We're
Speaker 1: gonna start picking. We're gonna pick people. People do be messy, alright,
Speaker 1: so real quick, let me let me take this back
Speaker 1: because now we have some insight to what goes on
Speaker 1: into dating. Um, is marriage a priority? Is it? The
Speaker 1: answered a lot quicker before the beginning. Now that we
Speaker 1: discussed it, I already realized it for Cheeta, not right now,
Speaker 1: for you. It is. It's not the first priority, but
Speaker 1: it is a priority. That's fair. That's fair. It's not paper,
Speaker 1: you know what. It's important because I feel like when
Speaker 1: women date, women are a lot more deliberate with dating
Speaker 1: when they want to date liberally because they have biological
Speaker 1: things that they need to focus on. So I feel
Speaker 1: like women often date men saying I need to make
Speaker 1: him ready for marriage when it the bottom line is
Speaker 1: if that brother is not ready for marriage, you can't
Speaker 1: date him into being ready for marriage. She has to
Speaker 1: be ready. And I think that's what what people need
Speaker 1: to be up front when they date. And I'm very
Speaker 1: upfront because I'm so glad you said that because I've
Speaker 1: had I've met women who are like really deliberate and
Speaker 1: I respect and I let him know right there, like, Yo,
Speaker 1: it's just not gonna go anywhere and to their crest
Speaker 1: and they're just been like, okay, well this is it.
Speaker 1: And it's been like, oh yeah, you to And I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: well that you gotta respect that. I respect it and
Speaker 1: go back after. She's gonna be somebody's wife. She can't
Speaker 1: beat somebody's out here doing free smashes and she's looking
Speaker 1: for a husband. I have very close friends who I mean,
Speaker 1: obviously since we've been on the show. People know who Devallece.
Speaker 1: You know who Cheeto is and a beautiful friends and
Speaker 1: Cheeto you know who I'm talking about who Cheet always like,
Speaker 1: you know, she looks great and she's like he looks great.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, right ready, I'll kill him. No,
Speaker 1: I get it, I get it, I get it. You
Speaker 1: shouldn't go to that place, y'all on different planes. She said,
Speaker 1: you want to meet the right to you're the right person, though,
Speaker 1: that's that's that's rightly the best thing from here. I
Speaker 1: think I'm the right person. It's just the right just
Speaker 1: like with you can't have like a healthy, healthy dating life,
Speaker 1: and I just especially myself, I always pride myself on
Speaker 1: trying to be as upfront, not as as possible because
Speaker 1: it just eliminates the drub. I hate drunk, so I
Speaker 1: don't ever want to worry about getting an arguments girls
Speaker 1: text made texting them it's or anything crazy. If I
Speaker 1: just be up front from the beginning, you know what
Speaker 1: it is, whether feelings have been caught or whatever down
Speaker 1: the line. Listen, I told you that's when it don't matter.
Speaker 1: And the reason why we don't, the reason why now
Speaker 1: you are god because you ain't going nowhere. You know,
Speaker 1: it's just so crazy because a lot of women get
Speaker 1: upset at the truth when they hear that, and so
Speaker 1: it makes you I just really respect you for doing
Speaker 1: that because women who get upset if you said, oh,
Speaker 1: you're adult, you're trying to be out here, you belong
Speaker 1: to the street, you do, you know, it's like you know,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know man, you know, calm down, man,
Speaker 1: that hurt you hit me? You know, I'm let and
Speaker 1: you know the truth, so that we won't have issues
Speaker 1: for us. I just said, let me phone can argument
Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna tell you something. Yeah, that don't change.
Speaker 1: When you get married. Women still don't want to hear
Speaker 1: the truth. Women will tell you They just tell me
Speaker 1: how you feel I want to know, And then with
Speaker 1: each other they're like, no, they don't know, don't want
Speaker 1: to hear. They want to hear a certain way. You know,
Speaker 1: they want the truth, but they wanted to be spelled
Speaker 1: out differently from what from the way we know how
Speaker 1: to say it. That's all wife of all time. I'm
Speaker 1: a man, I don't know how to articulate the word.
Speaker 1: Those shoes are ugly. I don't know how else to
Speaker 1: say it. That's me like, I ain't gonna let hear this.
Speaker 1: Well check this out. Man, guys, I appreciate you all
Speaker 1: right now, we'll be right back with listening letters after
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Speaker 1: Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. Alright, guys,
Speaker 1: be back in. Canine's not here for a favorite part
Speaker 1: of the show, So I'm gonna jump right in. Here
Speaker 1: is listening letters. That's when people write in what they're
Speaker 1: going through and they try to get advice from us.
Speaker 1: So we're gonna try to give these people some good advice.
Speaker 1: The first one is about seven months ago, a cowork
Speaker 1: of mine slid in my d MS and expressed her
Speaker 1: interest in me. I told her I wasn't looking for
Speaker 1: a relationship, but I was down to hang out. Um,
Speaker 1: she's not black. I strongly believe the most revolutionary thing
Speaker 1: a black man can do is love, protect and raised
Speaker 1: children with a black woman. And I've always intended on
Speaker 1: that being the case. What's your perspective on interracial interracial dating?
Speaker 1: And in my room for having doubts simply because she
Speaker 1: isn't black, I got my thoughts on this. I don't
Speaker 1: know how y'all feel about this. He likes what he likes,
Speaker 1: he said, he just wanted to he said he want
Speaker 1: to hang out. I don't see what the problem is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but he also said, is he wrong for having his
Speaker 1: thoughts about only wanting to marry and build a family
Speaker 1: with a No. I mean marriage and dating and hanging
Speaker 1: out are completely different. Spect to me, they're completely different.
Speaker 1: And also, and even if he didn't want to marry,
Speaker 1: if he wants to marry back, but I think that
Speaker 1: I don't think that anybody would have an issue with
Speaker 1: the white person saying they want to marry a white person.
Speaker 1: So we should have to apologize. I've heard that before,
Speaker 1: you know. It was that college women like, well, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna we can hang out, do our thing. But I'm
Speaker 1: actually I know I'm gonna marry a white man. I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I've never heard from a white woman because I don't
Speaker 1: deal with him well. But you know, you know what's
Speaker 1: funny though, if you look at history, white women have historically,
Speaker 1: especially in college, dealt with a ton of black lithletes.
Speaker 1: But we'll only bring a white man home to our father,
Speaker 1: you know. But you know, we do get black if
Speaker 1: we say that that's the rules and regulations. Here's the
Speaker 1: truth though, and this is why it's like black mama,
Speaker 1: mama's black mamas will say that. Black mamas will say that,
Speaker 1: But there's a reason why, right. And I believe in
Speaker 1: loving who you want to love, all right, because just
Speaker 1: because someone's black, don't mean they're gonna love you better
Speaker 1: than a white person can love you. But what I
Speaker 1: fear is similar to what I went through in high school.
Speaker 1: A buddy of mine. Don't wan to stay his name
Speaker 1: because you know they may still be listening, but he
Speaker 1: was half black, half white. His dad was white, his
Speaker 1: mom was black, and his father was a very very
Speaker 1: nice guy, always opened up his home to us and
Speaker 1: stuff like that. We were walking around Kings Plaza and
Speaker 1: they had this new rule, this one stopping frisk was around.
Speaker 1: They had this new ruling Kings Plaza that if if
Speaker 1: three or more people assembled in a group, it was
Speaker 1: considered a gang and you had to be detained. Just
Speaker 1: came from football practice. We're walking around them all and
Speaker 1: the cops stop us. This when they had two officers
Speaker 1: on both floors. Cops stop us, pull us over, boom um,
Speaker 1: come here. So we're like, what's up. It's like, why
Speaker 1: are y'all walking together? So now we're just like we
Speaker 1: just came from football practice. We all had on the
Speaker 1: same colors, black and gold or whatever, and they grabbed us,
Speaker 1: you know, put us in handcuffs, and we're sitting there,
Speaker 1: and call your parents. So he called his dad, and
Speaker 1: his dad white man walks in, you know, screaming what happened?
Speaker 1: What happened? What you do? And he was like nothing,
Speaker 1: We were just walking around. And he said something that
Speaker 1: that resonated with me. He said, cops are not gonna
Speaker 1: just pull you over and arrest you for no reason.
Speaker 1: And what I realized at that point, being seventeen years old,
Speaker 1: was he doesn't understand the black experience. And that's true,
Speaker 1: and it is it's truth. And I wasn't even mad
Speaker 1: at at his son. I was mad at him at
Speaker 1: that point because I was kind of like, what is
Speaker 1: he talking about? And then, um, he was reprimanding his
Speaker 1: son there, you know what I to reprimand his son.
Speaker 1: He got his son and they just walked out that
Speaker 1: they left right so, and I was just like, Wow,
Speaker 1: he really doesn't understand. And if he doesn't understand, how
Speaker 1: can he explain to his son how to be black
Speaker 1: in America? Can't And the same dudes that walk into
Speaker 1: your college, you know, black dudes or whatever, like it's no, no,
Speaker 1: you did do something and I didn't do nothing. Being
Speaker 1: out there where they grow up, maybe a suburban area
Speaker 1: or whatever, it's like, bro, that's not how it works.
Speaker 1: And you gotta culture in them a little bit, school
Speaker 1: them in the locker room, and you see the ship
Speaker 1: and you do some some of those guys, there is
Speaker 1: a shift that you know, they get around more black
Speaker 1: folk and they realized people. I've seen people come to
Speaker 1: that realization that have mixed kids or end up adopting
Speaker 1: and they and they have I have a cousin, um,
Speaker 1: he married a white woman. She already had kids, He
Speaker 1: already had kids, They had a child together. So she
Speaker 1: realizes that her first son, she has a compens to
Speaker 1: have a completely different conversation from the one that she
Speaker 1: has with him. And that's I know. That's I know
Speaker 1: spoke to a lot of people, or particularly definite parents
Speaker 1: about those conversations because you're talking about birds and the
Speaker 1: bees and you're talking about not getting shot y'all the
Speaker 1: same age. What's the movie from American Son? You have
Speaker 1: to watch and listen, guys. You know, I was over
Speaker 1: thinking about if you do not watch American Son as
Speaker 1: a black person in America, you are doing yourself. Not
Speaker 1: only is it a great movie, but the lesson I
Speaker 1: don't want to give away the lesson, but the lesson
Speaker 1: is very similar to the movie Widows. The movie Widows,
Speaker 1: the son was half black, half white, the father was black,
Speaker 1: the mom was The father was white, the mom was black.
Speaker 1: He has dropped a nice car, gets pulled over by
Speaker 1: the police and he's like, what am I being stopped for?
Speaker 1: And his father is a very rich, prominent white Man's
Speaker 1: like what am I being stopped for? And the cop
Speaker 1: is just like, can I have your license and registration?
Speaker 1: He's like, what am I being stopped for? And the
Speaker 1: cop is like license registration. He reaches in the glove
Speaker 1: compartment without even thinking, and the cop pulls out the
Speaker 1: gun and about shoots him. And then I'm saying to myself,
Speaker 1: he probably was never taught by his dad how to
Speaker 1: address But you can't teach what you don't know. And
Speaker 1: I don't blame or what you don't want to know
Speaker 1: because they don't want And and my thing is you
Speaker 1: can love who you want to love. I know what
Speaker 1: I love. I love what you want to love. But
Speaker 1: also build a village around your kids so that they
Speaker 1: can be successful, because if you have a white mother
Speaker 1: or father, there's certain things that black little girls go
Speaker 1: through the white little girls don't go through. There's certain
Speaker 1: things that black boys go through that white boys don't
Speaker 1: go through it. So they have to be equipped absolutely
Speaker 1: what you gotta be. You got to Being blind to
Speaker 1: the experience is not fair to your offspring especially. But
Speaker 1: that's that's a good one. Guys, We got one more,
Speaker 1: number two. I am the type of woman who always
Speaker 1: wanted to be established before I found a man I
Speaker 1: wanted to be with. I always thought I could not
Speaker 1: request a strong, intelligent, and financially independent partner unless I
Speaker 1: was all that for myself already. Kudos to you. I'm
Speaker 1: still young, but I don't want to lose myself or
Speaker 1: my dreams for a man. It scares me to date
Speaker 1: before I am stable in my career. But I'm watching
Speaker 1: you and cadein knowing you started your dating and relationship
Speaker 1: in college. Do you think you would lose yourselves in
Speaker 1: a relationship? Um? What's her name? Someone wants to UM.
Speaker 1: I will say this, everybody's relationship experience is different. In
Speaker 1: life experience is different. I would never tell people to
Speaker 1: just follow what I've been through because it worked for me,
Speaker 1: because everything doesn't work for people. What I'll say is,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't refrain from dating people while trying to build
Speaker 1: because you may stumble among someone who has the same
Speaker 1: moral code and the same building aspect of life as you.
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't sacrifice yourself just to be in a
Speaker 1: relationship if that person isn't on the same page as you. Right,
Speaker 1: what do you guys think? I agree with that. I
Speaker 1: think that you can only lose yourself when you don't
Speaker 1: know who yourself is. Right, Yeah, there you go. It
Speaker 1: sounds like you know you're working towards something. You've gotta mind,
Speaker 1: strong mindset. You're good. Well that was that was good.
Speaker 1: That was easy. Man, We get some guys. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have y'all back on here. We gotta do this man episode.
Speaker 1: And the funny thing is I was getting a lot
Speaker 1: of inquiries from guys saying, like, you should do a
Speaker 1: guy's podcast. And the funny thing is I got a
Speaker 1: lot of inquiries from women who was saying they would
Speaker 1: like to hear more of the Maile. It's just like
Speaker 1: people just trying to understand each other. That's it. That's it.
Speaker 1: Checked this out. If you want to be featured as
Speaker 1: one of our listener letters, email us at dead Ass
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot calm. That's dead ass Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. So, guys, this part, it's called the
Speaker 1: moment of Truth. That's where we go around the table
Speaker 1: and we figure out what the moment of truth is.
Speaker 1: For this episode, we'll start with my UM. I think
Speaker 1: that the most valuable lesson, UM is understanding how marriage
Speaker 1: from you know to married men is more about when
Speaker 1: you when you're learning that you want to be married,
Speaker 1: It's more about establishing something more long game than what
Speaker 1: is stimulating at the inception. UM. I think that's that
Speaker 1: The biggest takeaway for me is just understanding that as
Speaker 1: I leave this room today and I text whoever, talk
Speaker 1: to whoever, I want to make sure that if I'm
Speaker 1: giving him my time, it's somebody who I can sit
Speaker 1: next to at my mother's funeral, you know, or you know,
Speaker 1: start a legacy of a family together that well I'll
Speaker 1: leave behind for generations and generations. Just those kind of
Speaker 1: words for me are um outful, and I've gathered that
Speaker 1: so I learned life from the Mary guys today. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for me, it's just an understanding of oneself, um that
Speaker 1: we're all on our own path. And I really just
Speaker 1: hearing your guy's story about how you found you know,
Speaker 1: your your partner, your partner, your your wife. UM really
Speaker 1: allowed me to sit there and be like, Okay, well
Speaker 1: that was just their journey, you know, I mean, and
Speaker 1: there are similar things that they went through that I'm
Speaker 1: going through and it's okay. So for guys out there,
Speaker 1: it is okay to be, you know, with yourself on
Speaker 1: your own journey and then it's gonna work out. You're
Speaker 1: gonna find your one. And I hope, you know, I
Speaker 1: actually hope one day that that happens for your boy,
Speaker 1: sooner than later. Cheeto, God damn it. Years over market
Speaker 1: allowed to cheat those point. Um. Yeah, realizing because like
Speaker 1: I'm from Kentucky, small tent was not that small, but
Speaker 1: smaller compared to l A or whatever. And realizing, you know,
Speaker 1: that single journey in this day and age, because before
Speaker 1: it's easy for it. Marry guys look that it's like
Speaker 1: they're silly. However, everybody does have a different path, everybody
Speaker 1: does have a different experience. And realizing that. That's something
Speaker 1: that I learned is a lot of people, like you
Speaker 1: said you came from you know, you always had to
Speaker 1: share everything and you need that time to where I
Speaker 1: had that time, But I had it at a much
Speaker 1: earlier age. Um, And that's something I just took from.
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, just yeah, you was caking early,
Speaker 1: bro buying houses and cars two years after. But I
Speaker 1: made it makes sense you live that you live at
Speaker 1: that so that's that's your reality, which makes sense why
Speaker 1: you got married so early. For me, what I learned
Speaker 1: today is I learned a lot from from all of
Speaker 1: you guys. Um. First thing I learned, well, I I
Speaker 1: gathered from all of this what Brian said was very key.
Speaker 1: Understanding your culture. Understanding your history will better equip you
Speaker 1: to find someone that you want to spend the rest
Speaker 1: of your life with, because there are a lot of
Speaker 1: things that black women, men and women have gone through
Speaker 1: in this country that make us who we are. And
Speaker 1: until you understand that, you really cannot find this is
Speaker 1: the person is going to spend the rest of your
Speaker 1: life with. From Cheetah, I've learned that it's okay to
Speaker 1: be where you are in your life as long as
Speaker 1: you're transparent with the people you're dating, you can be
Speaker 1: who you are, You can have fun. You can go
Speaker 1: out there and date as long as you let them
Speaker 1: know why you're dating and be open that if they're
Speaker 1: not open to it, they may walk away. And that's cool,
Speaker 1: especially for black men and women in this country. And
Speaker 1: from markets, I learned that we have a lot in common.
Speaker 1: But I did also learn that if my kids are
Speaker 1: not smart enough to go to college, I'm sending they
Speaker 1: asked to trade school so they can stop making money
Speaker 1: because I'm not gonna spend hundreds of thousands of dollars
Speaker 1: trying to send them to a university and basement. Yeah. People,
Speaker 1: they got all these degrees. It's like you can't eat
Speaker 1: that paper. I was poor until August and I went
Speaker 1: to grab fucking school. Y'all. Y'all are freaking amazing. I
Speaker 1: appreciate y'all. We gotta do this again. Be sure for
Speaker 1: everyone else. Make sure shout out your handles so everyone
Speaker 1: know where to follow you at. Brian Jordan Jr. That's
Speaker 1: b R, I A N j or d A and
Speaker 1: j R. All My social media handles are yam, cheeto,
Speaker 1: y E A, underscore, I am c h I d
Speaker 1: O chee doe. I am at Marcus ain on the
Speaker 1: Graham and at marcusing on the book because Marcus don't
Speaker 1: be on the ground board. But if you want to
Speaker 1: follow him checking my very smart brother. All these are
Speaker 1: my brothers. I appreciate you all. I love y'all. Listen,
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. That's I
Speaker 1: Am de vo, I A M D E V A
Speaker 1: L E. And Kaden I Am is not here, but
Speaker 1: follow her as well, and subscribe to dead Ass on Stitcher,
Speaker 1: Spotify or Apple podcast And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate and review. That's dead Ass, y'all.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We are produced
Speaker 1: by Jackie Sogico and Dinor Pinion Allright. Executive producer t Square.
Speaker 1: Our associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Alright. You
Speaker 1: Content officer is Chris Bannon, our studio engineer and original
Speaker 1: music is by Brendan Burns and last but not least,
Speaker 1: we are mixed by Andy Kristen's We'll Back. I'm Drew
Speaker 1: McGarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going
Speaker 1: on right now. It's part of the stitchen netwere called
Speaker 1: Substraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,
Speaker 1: Apple Go. Listen right now to the Distraction, right now,
Speaker 1: it's out. Do it please,