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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called Defecto or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast, which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now. Rust your

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Speaker 1: podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to

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Speaker 1: the Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go listen to

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Speaker 1: see I buy Hey, Yo, what's good y'all? We recorded

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Speaker 1: these episodes before all the news about COVID night Steam broke,

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Speaker 1: but we wanted to let you know that we're here

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Speaker 1: for you, and we hope that these episodes can bring

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Speaker 1: you a little bit of joy and escape in these

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Speaker 1: uncertain times. Peace first and foremost. Cadine is not here,

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Speaker 1: so this episode is dedicated to the fellas. So this

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Speaker 1: is like the locker room. So let me start by

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Speaker 1: saying this. Before I got married, I knew I ain't

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Speaker 1: no shit about marriage. Now and I'm married, I still

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Speaker 1: don't know ship about marriage. Hey, I'm Cade and we're

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos without boys

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Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'm making me derby most days. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We

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Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's

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Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk

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Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium Matty Couples. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass is a term that we say every day. Where

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

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Speaker 1: to take Philow's off to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: as starts now. So, since it's the locker room, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna give you guys some insight into things that you

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Speaker 1: normally don't hear about. My bachelor party. All right, My

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Speaker 1: bachelor party was, Oh, I want you to close your

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Speaker 1: eyes and think about the best man. You remember the

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Speaker 1: best man, my brother, my best friend below and all

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Speaker 1: my cousins. They got me aloft in the city. It

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Speaker 1: was private. Yes there was strippers, and yes there was alcohol.

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Speaker 1: But this is the most funny thing about bachelor parties.

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Speaker 1: None of that stuff is for you. Everybody got their money,

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Speaker 1: they got the alcohol. The strippers come in, they line up,

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Speaker 1: they do they dance on you for about three or

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Speaker 1: four minutes, and you really don't have that much fun

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Speaker 1: because you're nervous. Like I was nervous because I was

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Speaker 1: thinking about the next day. I was gonna be losing

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Speaker 1: my independence as a man because I would be getting married,

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Speaker 1: and marriage, for me is the rest of my life.

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Speaker 1: So I did spend a lot of time while I

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Speaker 1: was at my bachelor party reflecting because also my my

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Speaker 1: brother in law and my and my best friend made

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Speaker 1: sure that I didn't get too drunk because you still

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Speaker 1: have to get married the next day, so you know,

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Speaker 1: I was really watching my alcohol. I still had to

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Speaker 1: write my vows. I wrote my vows the night before

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Speaker 1: my wedding, so we had a good time, but there

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Speaker 1: still was a lot of thought going into what was

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Speaker 1: gonna happen the next day. So I was still very

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Speaker 1: focused on completing the task and getting down the aisle

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Speaker 1: and making sure everything was perfect for the next day.

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Speaker 1: So you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen. We

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Speaker 1: have three men with us here today. You guys know

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Speaker 1: Marcus Taksley. You probably heard him on this season talking

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Speaker 1: about stop clocking his wife's uterus. He got four whole boys,

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Speaker 1: please welcome back and bringing the married man's perspective. My

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Speaker 1: man Marcus Tainksley, good family, how y'all doing this? Next

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Speaker 1: person is a crowd favorite. Everybody knows him from playing

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Speaker 1: Gary Marshall Borders on BT Sister. This is my man,

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Speaker 1: everybody's favorite uncle Uncle Cheetoh, what's everyone? How y'all doing?

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Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Last, but certainly not least, we got

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Speaker 1: Brian Jordan Jr. Classically trained dancer singer plays Maurice on

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Speaker 1: Sisters on BT. So for karaoke today, we're gonna do

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Speaker 1: something different. Brian is going to bless us with the vocals.

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Speaker 1: Scary of each time sing Brian sing Brian, I don't

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Speaker 1: know the words. You don't have to. That's all they need.

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Speaker 1: That's all they need. That's what they get a karaoke.

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Speaker 1: They get six and seven seconds and that's everybody's favorite parts.

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Speaker 1: It's the best no words you ever hear. That's why

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Speaker 1: I let Brian sing to my wife. If y'all, if

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Speaker 1: y'all watch us on Instagram, you season And then he

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Speaker 1: started singing He's kicked out in the house and shut up. So, gentlemen,

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for doing this. I know It's

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Speaker 1: a very scary topic for for us because this is

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Speaker 1: kind of like the locker room. This is this is

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Speaker 1: the locker room. Family gonna hear what happens in the

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Speaker 1: locker room exactly exactly, and the sad youth. There's a

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Speaker 1: lot of people don't like what comes out of the

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Speaker 1: locker room. That's why it stays in the locker room.

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Speaker 1: But this is dead ass, so we like to be

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Speaker 1: dead absolutely. So I want to start by asking the question,

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Speaker 1: the question of the title right, Is marriage still the priority?

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Speaker 1: Brian Cheetoh, you guys are both dating. Me and Marcus

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Speaker 1: are already married in two thousand and twenty for the

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Speaker 1: black mail the millennial black male. Is marriage still a priority?

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. I don't think that it's um as much

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Speaker 1: as a priority as it seemed to be twenty years ago.

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Speaker 1: But it's important to me. It's a priority to me.

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Speaker 1: Cheeto mt he should talking before the mice. I want

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Speaker 1: to hear this. It's crazy. I mean, um, my parents

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Speaker 1: have been married for a very long time in deparents

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Speaker 1: from Nigeria from Nigeria came over. Obviously, still loves still going.

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Speaker 1: I've seen the ups and downs, the strains, and everything. Um.

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Speaker 1: But as a single man and I'm coming up and

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Speaker 1: I'm working my way up, you know, income life experiences,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, yeah, even coming up, it wasn't like

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Speaker 1: three You're like, am I gonna marna get married? Just

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Speaker 1: like hmm, well Marcus, you you got married. What did

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Speaker 1: you have the same feeling? Because they they seem to

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Speaker 1: share the same, you know, feelings about it. Brian is

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Speaker 1: a little bit more deliberate about wanting to get married,

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Speaker 1: but kind of like it happens, but he wants to cheat.

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Speaker 1: O kin Like, I don't even know if I want

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Speaker 1: to say. I had the same thought process even when

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Speaker 1: I was dating my my wife. It was just like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: men go through that, even if what they're looking for

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Speaker 1: marriage is just like that reluctance of I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I'm giving up so much. When you talk in actuality,

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Speaker 1: you're not giving up anything. You're actually doing the best

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Speaker 1: thing possible for you. At least that's how you viewed it.

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Speaker 1: How a view that now that I am married and

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Speaker 1: have been through it, um, and they have been married

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Speaker 1: for you know, going on thirteen years now, But I

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Speaker 1: had that same reluctance. And you know, we talked about

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Speaker 1: this in our podcast and everything. It's just like, I

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Speaker 1: can't pay OnPoint exactly what a lot of men are

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Speaker 1: reluctant to give up, other than all the theoretical women

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Speaker 1: that we think we might be able to get real

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Speaker 1: as honest, it is like, no, that is that even

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Speaker 1: though I'm here with you and I don't plan on

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Speaker 1: going the word but what if you like, but now

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Speaker 1: I look back, like what if? What idiot? Like what

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Speaker 1: do you mean? That's what I want to told myself?

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Speaker 1: Then I'm an idiot. But the truth, you know, there's that,

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Speaker 1: like you know, I'm speaking for that. You said that

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Speaker 1: that be honest. If you don't want to be honest,

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Speaker 1: I'll be honest, be honest. There's options out there. I'll

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Speaker 1: just say yes. And it's like when you're able to

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Speaker 1: you know, you're able to meet a lot of these women.

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Speaker 1: It's just like you said, like, what is what is

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Speaker 1: what is marriage really gonna? What is it gonna make

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Speaker 1: me give up? I mean, what is so exciting about

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Speaker 1: it that I have to start everything that I'm doing

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Speaker 1: right now to jump into this. And and yes, there

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Speaker 1: is a part of me that hopes that love and

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Speaker 1: that the fantasy of love and the idea is going

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Speaker 1: to be like to sit down. But right now, especially

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Speaker 1: right now, I'm like, so good. And the crazy thing is,

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that. The crazy thing about that is

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Speaker 1: you don't know until you're marry how it is. And

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Speaker 1: that's the scariest you know, He's like, because I know

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Speaker 1: how it is to be out here doing what I

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Speaker 1: want to do, right, I know how good. And if

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Speaker 1: it hurt, I'll recover from it and I come back

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Speaker 1: and do whatever I want to do again. But with marriage,

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Speaker 1: you like affecting your life somebody else's full life. And

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Speaker 1: then if you have kids and you really you know

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Speaker 1: so and and and this is the crazy part. And

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Speaker 1: I'm glad we have this conversation because what you just

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Speaker 1: brought up is the key component to marriage or not marriage. Right.

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Speaker 1: Men haven't been able to articulate without offending women by saying,

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Speaker 1: what do I gain out of being marriage? So you

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Speaker 1: you you're afraid to say it. So me, I'm not

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Speaker 1: afraid to say it because I'm already married. You know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, my wife, No, I'm not trying to court.

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Speaker 1: It's difficult for you to say that. Why You're still like, according, right,

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Speaker 1: men are concerned about this all right. When it comes

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Speaker 1: to marriage nowadays, all the choices are given to women.

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Speaker 1: If I say to you, I want a wife who

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Speaker 1: cooks or cleans, then it's like, well, don't be so

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Speaker 1: old school. We're not with the matriarchy, right. If I

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Speaker 1: say I want you to have kids, it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: it's my body. I'm gonna have kids if I want

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Speaker 1: to have kids, all right. If you know that your

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Speaker 1: sex drive is high and your wife's isn't, it's high.

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Speaker 1: She has the right to say she doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: have sex, and you have to have sex when she

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Speaker 1: wants to have sex, how she wants to have sex,

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Speaker 1: and when she wants to have sex. So, realistically, as

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Speaker 1: a man, what am I signing up for if everything

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Speaker 1: in my life is going to be dependent on what

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Speaker 1: you want to do, when you want to do, and

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Speaker 1: how you want to do it, And if I try

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Speaker 1: to vocalize what I want to need is considered misogynistic.

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Speaker 1: And to be honest, it's difficult for men to think

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Speaker 1: about that, especially in their mid twenties, because it's like,

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Speaker 1: why am I giving all my choices to somebody else.

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Speaker 1: And the sad truth is people don't want to vocalize

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Speaker 1: it because it sounds messed up. But when you get married,

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Speaker 1: that's what you do give up. You give up all

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Speaker 1: of that because there has to be a purpose. Now.

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Speaker 1: I didn't get into why I got married, but I

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Speaker 1: always wanted to be married, like it was something that

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Speaker 1: I grew up watching my my grandfather. I grew up

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Speaker 1: watching my father and my uncle's they're all married, and

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Speaker 1: there was something about the union of marriage that drew me.

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Speaker 1: You know, my godfather, uncle Frank, isn't married, and I've

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Speaker 1: seen different, you know, different lifestyles, but there was something

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Speaker 1: about having children and coming home to a family that

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Speaker 1: was just exciting for me. So for me, marriage wasn't

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Speaker 1: only about just me and her. It was about what

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Speaker 1: we're gonna build. And when you figure out what you're

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Speaker 1: gonna build, the things that happened with you and her

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Speaker 1: be almost become secondary, which is scary because you can

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Speaker 1: lose yourself in your marriage because the idea of the

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Speaker 1: marriage becomes bigger than you and her. And that's what

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Speaker 1: I want to talk with you guys about. You see,

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Speaker 1: that was one of the things with me. That's that's

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Speaker 1: what it was. I had this false sense of I

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Speaker 1: have to be at a certain level before I get

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Speaker 1: married because I grew up my parents were married to day,

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Speaker 1: my father that they were married for forty six years,

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Speaker 1: and I saw that whole coming home, you know, the

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Speaker 1: whole family thing. So it's like, I have to be

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Speaker 1: able to support this before I bring someone else into

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Speaker 1: this union. I have to reach a certain level of success.

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Speaker 1: And then while dating, I saw how much my wife

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Speaker 1: was better at me. It was like, I cannot reach

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Speaker 1: that without her. She betters me, and that's gonna be

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Speaker 1: my only way elevate. Now I look back just like

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Speaker 1: I'm glad I came to that realization then and not,

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Speaker 1: you know, ten years later, we talked. We talked about

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Speaker 1: this all the time in my house. That was the thing.

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Speaker 1: And even tell a wife and she was like, why

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Speaker 1: what makes you, you know, pull away from marry so much.

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Speaker 1: I was like, because I want to be at a

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Speaker 1: certain level. I want to be able to have a

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Speaker 1: certain income. I want to be a certain position in

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Speaker 1: my life. She does support, No, yeah, before I bring

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Speaker 1: because I want to be able to support whoever I

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Speaker 1: bring in. And then she was just like, you know,

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Speaker 1: you don't see anyone build a house about themselves and

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Speaker 1: that and obviously um because it's like what is that level?

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Speaker 1: You know? And that in fact the facts dating too,

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Speaker 1: because like I remember points when I was coming up,

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Speaker 1: and you know, you meet beautiful women, You're like, oh man,

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Speaker 1: this is like a potential partner. I could talk to everything,

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Speaker 1: but like I'm not where I'm at, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean. And then I'm just gritting and grinding. And

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Speaker 1: you know, this industry with trying to play ball, trying

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Speaker 1: to um um grow grow your career as an actor.

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Speaker 1: You're going through these pigs and valleys, and that affects

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Speaker 1: you as a man. Sometimes it's like, well damn, I

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Speaker 1: can't even I can't even take you to the movies

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Speaker 1: right now without really checking my pockets. So I'm like

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Speaker 1: I'd rather not even I got one. Sometimes like I

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Speaker 1: would have not even wished the sign, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean, Like just I'm cool with I'm cool right

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Speaker 1: now because I can't give you what you're looking for

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Speaker 1: by myself. I can't even provide a little simple thing

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Speaker 1: is taking you out someone. You know. What I was

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Speaker 1: gonna say is I think that, Um, what has been

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Speaker 1: established in modern dating is these expectations of men to

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Speaker 1: have so much, or to have this great job, or

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Speaker 1: to have and so what happens is there is an

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Speaker 1: innate insecurity that we learned from when even when we

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Speaker 1: a little boy. Remember when I was a little boy

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Speaker 1: and I was in elementary school and I've got this girl,

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Speaker 1: this Valentine's thing that I begged my mama to buy

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Speaker 1: so that I can give to her, and she hated it.

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Speaker 1: It was cheap, my mom, wint you know? Look, she

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Speaker 1: hated it. And ever since then, I've always thought about, like,

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Speaker 1: I know that I have to make this amount of money.

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Speaker 1: I know that I'm an actor. I know that I

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Speaker 1: don't make enough money right now to support someone. And

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Speaker 1: and what stops young black men? Because I'm twenty eight

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Speaker 1: and when I think about saying, Okay, I'm gonna go

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Speaker 1: and get married, what can I offer? What do I

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Speaker 1: feel like I have enough? Am I insecure about what

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Speaker 1: I have or what I don't have? And I think that, um,

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Speaker 1: if you don't understand that things are more than money,

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Speaker 1: then your first mind would be like, well, I'm just

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Speaker 1: wait until i'm you know, seventy five and I don't

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Speaker 1: gotta retire a month to You know a lot of

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Speaker 1: people in our culture where a lot of people look

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Speaker 1: at like Michelle and Barack has the pinnacle, and it's

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Speaker 1: like they didn't meet each other as Michelle and Barack

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Speaker 1: each other struggling, but they were kids. They don't have

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Speaker 1: the money, don't have anything. They went into that, I'm sure,

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Speaker 1: and it's like and they build each other up to that,

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Speaker 1: and a lot of people see the end result. They

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Speaker 1: see you, well, it's a bad example there, But Claire

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Speaker 1: and Cliff hospitable, you know that whole thing. And it's

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Speaker 1: like no, no, no, no, they started from ground zero

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Speaker 1: and build that. It wasn't oh we're starting here at

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Speaker 1: the top. You work your way up to the town. Yeah. Well,

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Speaker 1: what I think we need to be concerned about, especially

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Speaker 1: as Black people, are the myths and the narratives that

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Speaker 1: are created that ultimately destroy our culture. I've been doing

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Speaker 1: research for the past week about this and shout out

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Speaker 1: to Trouble because she always hits me with some statistics. Right,

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Speaker 1: one of the myths in this country is that black

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Speaker 1: men don't earn as much as black women. So that

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Speaker 1: myth has created a stigma that black women should start

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Speaker 1: dating outside of their race because black men just don't

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Speaker 1: make enough money to support the black household. Just because

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Speaker 1: black women are more likely to graduate from college, which

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Speaker 1: is part of the this this study done by Yale,

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Speaker 1: then their male counterparts doesn't mean that they out earned

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Speaker 1: black men. Actually, black men are more likely than black

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Speaker 1: women to bring home at least seventy dollars annually. Because

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Speaker 1: of the double standards and the gender gap in the income,

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Speaker 1: black men remain the breadwinners in the African American community.

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Speaker 1: That's not a narrative that we're here, we're hearing that

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Speaker 1: we don't make as much money as black women because

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Speaker 1: black women get degrees to the one the black men.

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Speaker 1: But you know what just came out in the study

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Speaker 1: from Harvard. White women out get degrees at a higher

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Speaker 1: level than white men to the one. So it's the same,

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Speaker 1: it's the same ratio, but they push one ratio because

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Speaker 1: it's like, hey, black men aren't good enough. Because and

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Speaker 1: then the other stigma that's pushed out is once a

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Speaker 1: black man is successful, that he's more than likely to

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Speaker 1: marry someone that's not black. Now I already know the numbers.

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Speaker 1: What percentage of Black men who earn over a hundred

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Speaker 1: thousand dollars because major of the country earns less than

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Speaker 1: fifty dollars, it's nine percent of the population or nine

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Speaker 1: percent of the American population earned over a hundred thousand dollars,

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Speaker 1: which is considered rich. What percentage of Black men who

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Speaker 1: earn over a hundred thousand dollars date or married Black women? Marry?

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Speaker 1: Excuse me? Married? According to of that, I want to say,

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Speaker 1: like seventy, I probably say about pent of Black men

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Speaker 1: who earn over a hundred thousand dollars married black women.

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Speaker 1: But the reason why you thought it was women was

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Speaker 1: married don't marry? No, yeah, married black women. Make over,

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Speaker 1: here's funny. It's funny. All of my friends who I

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Speaker 1: played ball with, WHI graduated, all married black And that's

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Speaker 1: why I would saying because I'm thinking, I'm like I

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Speaker 1: thought you everybody native come from that black women are undesirable.

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Speaker 1: And the thing is eight percent of all Black men

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Speaker 1: who are married are married to black women. So where

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Speaker 1: did the narrative come from that black men don't marry

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Speaker 1: black women and black women aren't getting married was glorified?

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Speaker 1: And what you see on social media and stuff, you know,

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Speaker 1: like or just in general what they pushed. It's like this, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like you get some foreign check or whatever, and it's

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Speaker 1: just like pumped and put. I even noticed it when

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Speaker 1: I used to watching like music videos. I remember, like,

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Speaker 1: I mean, do you see like when I was coming

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Speaker 1: watching like all the videos was like a lot of

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Speaker 1: black video vixens. And then like there's like a shift

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Speaker 1: and then it went to this like this, and then

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Speaker 1: you just and then it just became the thing where

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Speaker 1: you have to have the new, baddest something exact chick

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Speaker 1: in there. And so when you're sitting back in your

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Speaker 1: impressionable years coming up, that's what you're saying. So you're like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I guess when I do get on and I do

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Speaker 1: make this thing, that's what I gotta put my view

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Speaker 1: what everybody's gonna think. Its good. Might get that on

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Speaker 1: my hand, But this I don't understand though. Even in

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Speaker 1: the early two thousand's, right, those those men who had

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Speaker 1: those video vixens, they were marrying them. I just got married,

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Speaker 1: to be honest with the black lives. So I think

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Speaker 1: the message was getting laws your party, you have a

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Speaker 1: good time. But they were settling with with black women.

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Speaker 1: And I think that our culture has been poisoned with

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Speaker 1: this idea that black men don't desire Black women. Women

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00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,640
Speaker 1: feel like black men don't want them, and it makes

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Speaker 1: it more difficult for people dating my young kids who

358
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,960
Speaker 1: are in college, when they tell me, just like you said,

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Speaker 1: there's a man I don't make. I don't know if

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Speaker 1: I make enough money to day a black woman. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know if I could date a black woman

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Speaker 1: because I don't have my degree at and it's all

363
00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:50,520
Speaker 1: about degrees, and it's just like these people are just people,

364
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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And it makes it difficult.

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Speaker 1: Did you, guys, did you feel that way? I know

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Speaker 1: you got your degree. I wasn't really too turned off

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Speaker 1: by a woman wanted me to bring something to the

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Speaker 1: table as far as like my education. That's one thing

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Speaker 1: I could control right now. Nothing like an education or

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Speaker 1: like if you have like a trade or skill like

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Speaker 1: that you're working towards. I wasn't because I do want

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Speaker 1: someone that kind of wants a standard. But you definitely

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Speaker 1: there was they don't like man like. I think more

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Speaker 1: for me, it was more of the finances that that

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Speaker 1: was really running towards. I wasn't really turned back by

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Speaker 1: someone being like, well, yeah, he like what's he your

377
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Speaker 1: your boy? This guy, what is he going to school?

378
00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:27,040
Speaker 1: What's he doing this? Like what's that? And if it

379
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,600
Speaker 1: was a no, I was even looking at like, bro,

380
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,159
Speaker 1: you doing right now and you're not doing nothing? Like

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Speaker 1: I can't even be around you right now because I

382
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,960
Speaker 1: want my circle of people to be elevated. I loved

383
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Speaker 1: when me and my boys walking the room and the

384
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,919
Speaker 1: girl was like your girls, like, what's up with your friends? Like, oh,

385
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,879
Speaker 1: my boy players here, you go to school. Here, he's

386
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,399
Speaker 1: working on this. That's what my whole team was looking like,

387
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Speaker 1: because I thought that was just that you were never

388
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Speaker 1: afraid to approach women. Were you ever afraid to proach

389
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,800
Speaker 1: women because you didn't make money or didn't feel like

390
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,960
Speaker 1: for sure? Um one thing? That education is also something

391
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,600
Speaker 1: that has been at the forefoot of my life and

392
00:19:56,640 --> 00:20:02,000
Speaker 1: I've always excelled. But I wasn't a cold and not

393
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,679
Speaker 1: a working actor for six years. And so when you

394
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,400
Speaker 1: come to somebody and say what, like what job, what's

395
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,800
Speaker 1: your job? And it's like, oh, you know, I'm an

396
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:15,080
Speaker 1: acting Like what's your real job? You know they say that,

397
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,840
Speaker 1: and so it's just like, no, no, I'm you know,

398
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:21,320
Speaker 1: I'm a serious actor, and you got twelve roommates. You know.

399
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,800
Speaker 1: It's just like I ain't gonna worry about it, like

400
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,800
Speaker 1: I ain't gonna text them all. You know, That's just

401
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:31,400
Speaker 1: what it is. It's like, you know that even if

402
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,200
Speaker 1: she acts like she into it, after a while, she

403
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,560
Speaker 1: gonna get to if you're not making that money. It's

404
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,400
Speaker 1: just like and and so when you find somebody like

405
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:43,760
Speaker 1: Codeine who wants to ride with you that but who

406
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:50,800
Speaker 1: wants to go don't don't get but you know, it's

407
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,800
Speaker 1: just like that is rare with black women. And so

408
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,200
Speaker 1: I think that, um, in my experience with black women,

409
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,600
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna get killed in the middle, it might

410
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:10,480
Speaker 1: explain you always have experience with already. So it's it's

411
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,320
Speaker 1: like in my experience it has literally been I've literally

412
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,440
Speaker 1: been in so many situations that I can't even count

413
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:22,040
Speaker 1: where I've been told well maybe you are to um, yeah,

414
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,239
Speaker 1: you can work. I mean you gotta make money, like

415
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,520
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, I hear you. And now today it's

416
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,040
Speaker 1: a whole different story. See with me, it was because

417
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,040
Speaker 1: it was the same thing. You know, I'm really from Lestern, Kentucky.

418
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,760
Speaker 1: And that was the thing. Like all my boys were

419
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,600
Speaker 1: in school. I went, I got a social degree in

420
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,720
Speaker 1: industrial electricity, so I was an electrician. They were still

421
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,920
Speaker 1: in school. I was already buying cars and how's money?

422
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,560
Speaker 1: So and me when I looked at women, and I

423
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:47,240
Speaker 1: always wanted somebody that I'm attracted to intelligence. So if

424
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 1: you have a bachelor's degree, No, how do you feel

425
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,639
Speaker 1: when women say if he don't have a bachelor's degree

426
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:57,199
Speaker 1: or a master that's because that's what that's That's what

427
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:58,719
Speaker 1: it was. It was like, all my boys are going

428
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,600
Speaker 1: to UK there, you know, college just threw out. I

429
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 1: was like, oh, where you going to school? I was like, oh,

430
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,960
Speaker 1: I'm done with school. It was like oh you know,

431
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,520
Speaker 1: and we all leave and get in our cars. And

432
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,440
Speaker 1: mine is a little newer because like where you're going,

433
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,000
Speaker 1: Oh we are going to my house? Yeah, you know.

434
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,919
Speaker 1: It's that type of thing. Like I never really it

435
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,119
Speaker 1: never really bothered me. It's like, oh, you ain't got agree, No, No,

436
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:21,320
Speaker 1: I'm good. My dad to income ratio was phenomenal, you know. Um,

437
00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:23,479
Speaker 1: And that's and that's how it always always looked at it.

438
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,879
Speaker 1: But it does. It used to like when I was

439
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,720
Speaker 1: younger dating it did sometimes it feels some type of way,

440
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,679
Speaker 1: but at the end of the day, I was just like, no,

441
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,879
Speaker 1: I'm good with this, you know, And like, right now,

442
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,639
Speaker 1: my wife she's got two bachelors and two masters and

443
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,240
Speaker 1: working back to get a document and just like, that's

444
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,840
Speaker 1: type of thing I like. So I always wanted the

445
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,159
Speaker 1: woman that made equal to or more than me. I

446
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,040
Speaker 1: always said that because I'm like, I know what I

447
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,119
Speaker 1: bring to the table when I'm capable of bringing to

448
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,399
Speaker 1: the table. The fact that I like this intelligence, I

449
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,760
Speaker 1: know that's gonna elevate mine. I was like, why don't

450
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,000
Speaker 1: you want to make it less than me? I'm good.

451
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,280
Speaker 1: It might be like like who are you? It's like,

452
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:59,000
Speaker 1: I know I'm gonna bring doctor right therefore, you know,

453
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,920
Speaker 1: I want to see that. It's funny to hear you

454
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,720
Speaker 1: say that, because there's another myth that educated black women

455
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,399
Speaker 1: have it harder than anyone else in the country to

456
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:10,560
Speaker 1: find a husband. Here's the truth, I have documentation, getting

457
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,200
Speaker 1: a college degree is the worst thing a black woman

458
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,159
Speaker 1: can do if she wants to get married. Right, We're

459
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,040
Speaker 1: not exactly new stories about black marriage often mentioned that

460
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 1: more black women persu higher education than black men by

461
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 1: a two to one ratio according to some estimates. But

462
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,040
Speaker 1: what these articles leave out is that white women also

463
00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:27,920
Speaker 1: earned college degrees more than white men, same to the one,

464
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,520
Speaker 1: and because of the gender and balances, hasn't hurt white

465
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,920
Speaker 1: women's chances at natural morning. What's more, black women who

466
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 1: finished college actually improve their chances of marrying rather than

467
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:41,800
Speaker 1: lowering them. Among black women, college graduates are married by

468
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,919
Speaker 1: forty whereas only sixty of black high school graduates are

469
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,440
Speaker 1: married by that age, which means that women who get

470
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,520
Speaker 1: degrees have a higher chance of getting married than not.

471
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,160
Speaker 1: So that leads me to this question. When you look

472
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,560
Speaker 1: at what you're looking for in a spouse, what are

473
00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:00,840
Speaker 1: you looking for in a woman? I gosh, I mean

474
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,840
Speaker 1: if that's I mean, that's that's there's a lot of

475
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,920
Speaker 1: question because I guess I've gotten to the I'll speak

476
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,639
Speaker 1: for myself, my experience going through that struggle of trying to,

477
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,960
Speaker 1: you know, get my finances in the point and then finally,

478
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,679
Speaker 1: you know, touching on what you talked about, getting my

479
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,280
Speaker 1: finances to a point where I feel like I want

480
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,679
Speaker 1: to look around. Then I'm like, well, I want to

481
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,720
Speaker 1: experience the success with my free the freedom of my

482
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 1: success right now. So you know, I want to enjoy things,

483
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,160
Speaker 1: not necessarily doesn't mean chasing a whole ship ton of women.

484
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,560
Speaker 1: It just means, like I enjoy being by myself. I

485
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 1: enjoy being able to get up and go move where

486
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:33,959
Speaker 1: I want to move. And I'm not really sure right

487
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,960
Speaker 1: right now, I'm really looking to even share that experience.

488
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,040
Speaker 1: So you don't have a list of things that you're

489
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:40,920
Speaker 1: not even Yeah, I mean I mean that there's a

490
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:42,360
Speaker 1: check list of what I'm looking for. And like when

491
00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:55,240
Speaker 1: I see a girl exotic, youbody get chilled because it's

492
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,520
Speaker 1: it's it's progressed too, because um, look, okay, look I'm

493
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 1: a bachelor, all right, I'm very I'm single, very single.

494
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:10,120
Speaker 1: H what's the damn check you're saying it is? I mean,

495
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:14,120
Speaker 1: intelligence is everything. Um, you kind of get past the looks.

496
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,000
Speaker 1: I mean it's I know it sounds crazy because the

497
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,840
Speaker 1: look you that's supposed to get you at first. But

498
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: if I sit down, I do you know, mingo a lot,

499
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 1: go to lounges and stuff, and I sit down and

500
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,520
Speaker 1: talk and there's no intelligence there. There's nothing, no substance, nothing,

501
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 1: So they got it I'm checked out even no matter

502
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:34,880
Speaker 1: how beautiful would I mean, if I'm shopping, but it's

503
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,200
Speaker 1: like there's there's not white material. It's not white material

504
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:40,480
Speaker 1: that and she goes immediately goes into this category here,

505
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,600
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, yeah, we can, we

506
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:47,040
Speaker 1: can do are looking for the category, but you ain't you.

507
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,320
Speaker 1: You can't come over your life, life and material. I

508
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:59,520
Speaker 1: ain't bring you around, you know. Yeah, that's what that is.

509
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:12,400
Speaker 1: That maybe maybe she ain't so different, but for me

510
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 1: and two of y'all really know me well in this room,

511
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,120
Speaker 1: I am physicality and something that's important whatever to everybody,

512
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:23,320
Speaker 1: but for me, I will be immediately turned off. If

513
00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 1: you are not smart, I just can't do it. Like

514
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 1: I can't even be around immediately. I don't even want

515
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 1: to smash, to be honest, I can't do it. I

516
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,159
Speaker 1: want to know if you're smart. I want to know

517
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,320
Speaker 1: if you're funny. You gotta be funny, you gotta be

518
00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:38,439
Speaker 1: able to deal with my funny just can't work like

519
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,520
Speaker 1: I can. I don't want to be around you. So

520
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 1: this brings me to pretty much like the meet of

521
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,920
Speaker 1: the show, Right, we're getting to marriage. Say you meet

522
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:51,439
Speaker 1: this girl, right and you hypothetically, hypothetically and she not

523
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:58,600
Speaker 1: now for you, I've already met him, right, and you

524
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,480
Speaker 1: you're already out of talk about ready to leave. I'm

525
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,880
Speaker 1: getting really uncomfortable on scorm in my chair. I'm hearing

526
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,680
Speaker 1: this marriage dog no. But it's funny you say that.

527
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,639
Speaker 1: So many men get nervous when it's time to think

528
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,600
Speaker 1: about marriage. And for all the young guys who are

529
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 1: in my inbox, they all say the same thing, devout,

530
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 1: why should I get married? And their thought processes And

531
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:22,720
Speaker 1: I know you you want to say that though processes.

532
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,760
Speaker 1: All they hear from women nowadays is I'm chasing my

533
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,640
Speaker 1: bag about my career. Don't ask me to cook, don't

534
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,479
Speaker 1: ask me to clean. You get your mama to do that.

535
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Like, and it's like, and

536
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,920
Speaker 1: you think about marriage if you're looking for a life partner, right,

537
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,280
Speaker 1: you don't want to cook, you don't want to clean,

538
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 1: you don't want to have babies. You only want to

539
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 1: have sex. When you want to have sex, Why would

540
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:46,439
Speaker 1: anybody commit to that? And I'm telling you how that

541
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,639
Speaker 1: because that's what you think about before you get married,

542
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:53,480
Speaker 1: because you once you say this is forever, this is forever, forever.

543
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:55,800
Speaker 1: I can only have sex when you want to have sex,

544
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,880
Speaker 1: and I can't sex with nobody else. You don't want

545
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,159
Speaker 1: to cook and clean? I got I'm gonna have to

546
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 1: find somebody else to do that. So it's like, what

547
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 1: do I have a roommate? That's just a woman who

548
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:08,119
Speaker 1: controls my life and my whereabouts. That's what men think about,

549
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:09,760
Speaker 1: and that's the truth. I got a question for the

550
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,880
Speaker 1: guys who are still single. Do y'all actually hear that

551
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: out of women about I don't want to cook. I

552
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,200
Speaker 1: don't want to call her a countless amount of time?

553
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 1: Anybody wife worthy? Have you heard it from anybody wife worthy? Yo?

554
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,760
Speaker 1: I would let me tell yourself like this, first of

555
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,800
Speaker 1: all cooking, Let me tell yourself that I was literally

556
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 1: like in love with this woman recently and she it

557
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 1: wasn't I ain't gonna cook, she ain't have pots in

558
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 1: her house, like it ain't eat. I can't to learn

559
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:50,760
Speaker 1: that story. But the whole the movements of women empowerment

560
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 1: has often taken out the idea of being motherly and

561
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,479
Speaker 1: being a home nurturing because they have looked down on

562
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,960
Speaker 1: women who do that so much, where they're like, I'm

563
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,800
Speaker 1: not doing it. I'm not falling back into the patriarchy

564
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,040
Speaker 1: of what life used to be. I'm gonna be a

565
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 1: breadwinner just like you, which I can't respect for that.

566
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,320
Speaker 1: But my thing is if I'm a man and I'm

567
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,560
Speaker 1: a breadwinner, because women do come to the table with

568
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,880
Speaker 1: their lists. They come with their lists. So if if

569
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 1: the long list right, and if their list means that

570
00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:19,959
Speaker 1: I have to be a breadwinner, I have to provide

571
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 1: and protect. I'm not looking for somebody who got the

572
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 1: same things on my list. I can do that for myself.

573
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 1: I'm saying is if everybody winning bread and ain't nobody

574
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:32,600
Speaker 1: baking it, then we still can't true and you like

575
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:34,719
Speaker 1: to cook, I do, and I don't want to have

576
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: to feel like if I don't want to cook today,

577
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 1: we gotta go. It's gonna be bost like it. Literally.

578
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:44,440
Speaker 1: I think that there is such a deep rooted like

579
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:48,360
Speaker 1: confusion in African American people when it comes to dating

580
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,400
Speaker 1: each other, and it stems from slavery. It seems from

581
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: where African American people even began and where we learned

582
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 1: how to treat women or we learned how to treat men.

583
00:29:56,960 --> 00:30:01,120
Speaker 1: And I think that what black women connect the hurt

584
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 1: too is something that is not even black men doing.

585
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:10,480
Speaker 1: It's something that it's just we are descendants of slavery,

586
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:15,880
Speaker 1: all of us. Here. Slavery began when African slaves were

587
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:22,560
Speaker 1: traded heres of royalty. I just wanted to royalty. And

588
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 1: now we at the bottom of the totem pole because

589
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,400
Speaker 1: all we could do was come to America and learn

590
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,680
Speaker 1: what they taught what the us and so what they

591
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:33,640
Speaker 1: taught us was to mistreat the women are, to treat

592
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: them differently, to separate, and I think we still deal

593
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 1: with that today. So actually they were doing the same

594
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:41,520
Speaker 1: thing they were teaching us. What they were doing, absolutely,

595
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 1: that's all. That's all we knew. And so today I

596
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 1: think that even as Caucasian culture has ascended to a

597
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,920
Speaker 1: place where the white men, the white women fight for

598
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:57,200
Speaker 1: equality just like we do, they respond differently to their

599
00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:01,400
Speaker 1: men than Black women do. And so in my experience,

600
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:08,600
Speaker 1: I feel like black women have held um us responsible

601
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: for something that all of us aren't doing. Like I've

602
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 1: been told so many times that black women don't I mean,

603
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 1: black men don't support black women, and and I support

604
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:21,080
Speaker 1: so many black women women like it's like a platform

605
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:23,120
Speaker 1: of mine. You know what I mean? And um, and

606
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: so it's it's hard to deal with that and then say,

607
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,760
Speaker 1: let me get married to this woman who say that

608
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 1: black men don't support and I support her, you know

609
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,120
Speaker 1: what I mean. It's just it's it's difficult. I think

610
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 1: that there's a disconnected So don't think the battle between

611
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,640
Speaker 1: black men and black women in our culture has really

612
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 1: caused an issue in the marriage, well in the nuclear families,

613
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:49,960
Speaker 1: because it seems like we're competing with each other into

614
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:55,440
Speaker 1: so turned into me, like who's bringing what to the table.

615
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:56,880
Speaker 1: And then in terms of so I don't need you,

616
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,160
Speaker 1: and it's like, I'm actually glad you don't need me,

617
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 1: need me. I actually just want you to want me,

618
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like that, that's a that's

619
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:06,600
Speaker 1: a dope statement because I say it to my wife

620
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:08,840
Speaker 1: all the time. I say it all the time. I

621
00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 1: want to be wanted. Yeah, that's I'm good with that.

622
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:13,880
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't. I don't want to be. I

623
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:15,440
Speaker 1: want to be I want to come in the house

624
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 1: and know that you want me to be here. That's

625
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,160
Speaker 1: what I don't want to feel like it's an obligation

626
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 1: for you to drive me here, because then it becomes

627
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,560
Speaker 1: a chore, then it's not organic, Then it's not love.

628
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 1: So it's it's that's like a deep statement. Black men

629
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,640
Speaker 1: want to be wanted. We also got to understand too,

630
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: that black women wanted to be. I don't want to

631
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,120
Speaker 1: be in a position where I feel like there's some

632
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 1: men who were just felt like they were so rushed

633
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,640
Speaker 1: and pressured into being married, and then they get married

634
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,000
Speaker 1: and now they're like, man, I feel trapped whatever it is,

635
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,160
Speaker 1: and then the woman's in over there, like, man, I

636
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,000
Speaker 1: don't feel like what you're saying. What you're saying is

637
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:50,280
Speaker 1: the truth. I felt that way. And the funny thing

638
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:52,800
Speaker 1: is I put the pressure on myself because I grew

639
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 1: up during the time where you had to race. You

640
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,600
Speaker 1: wanted to race to be successful because everybody around you

641
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,760
Speaker 1: is being successful. So you graduate from college, you we

642
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:03,800
Speaker 1: go to the league. What's next, Oh, I gotta get married,

643
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:06,360
Speaker 1: what's next? Buy a house, what's next? I gotta have kids.

644
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,080
Speaker 1: I wasn't a race to do all these things to

645
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:11,040
Speaker 1: prove my success, to prove my worth as a black man.

646
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:14,120
Speaker 1: And in doing all of that, I missed out on

647
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,880
Speaker 1: what it meant to be a husband. And I really

648
00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 1: was a shitty husband because I wasn't really paying attention

649
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 1: to my wife. You know what I'm saying. Like I was.

650
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:23,680
Speaker 1: I was earning money, I was working hard, I was

651
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,880
Speaker 1: being a good dad. I was buying property. I was

652
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 1: doing everything that I needed to do to check my

653
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:31,719
Speaker 1: own list that I needed. But I wasn't doing anything

654
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:34,040
Speaker 1: that she wanted because I felt like I was doing

655
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:39,440
Speaker 1: what I you know, what I needed to do that. Uh.

656
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:42,920
Speaker 1: I've also noticed that, you know, um, black women, black man,

657
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:45,560
Speaker 1: there has been people have been waiting a little longer.

658
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,040
Speaker 1: You know, people are entering their thirties and have to

659
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 1: taking their time because there is there has to be

660
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,760
Speaker 1: a form of self discovery, especially for me. I mean,

661
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 1: like I said, I meet plenty women and I could

662
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 1: just sit down listening. I'm just like, man, you you're

663
00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 1: you're carrying maybe baggage or you haven't really think out

664
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:01,959
Speaker 1: what you're really looking and you're looking for me to

665
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:03,880
Speaker 1: figure that out for you, and I can't do that.

666
00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:06,160
Speaker 1: I want to meet someone who's on who's on their

667
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,600
Speaker 1: on their path and it's figuring out themselves and and

668
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:12,320
Speaker 1: knows what they want. And I actually like meeting people

669
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:16,840
Speaker 1: who a little bit more seasoned, ye journey, And that's

670
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 1: what because what I'm hearing is um like I'm here,

671
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,040
Speaker 1: like I'm hearing the different cities that we grew up in,

672
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 1: the different generations we group. And that's why I like

673
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:26,439
Speaker 1: me and wife. We talked to all our single friends

674
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:28,680
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I am so glad I am not

675
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 1: dating right now. How difficult it is, like, especially when

676
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,280
Speaker 1: you want to find somebody's like, yeah, we're just dating,

677
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,279
Speaker 1: but I want to be I want you to be

678
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:42,880
Speaker 1: worth dating. And it even sounds like a struggle too. Yeah,

679
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,000
Speaker 1: And I'm like me, Like, you meet someone who's just

680
00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:46,759
Speaker 1: a woman that's head to her thirties, she got her

681
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,440
Speaker 1: career setting, everything's good. She's like, Okay, you're on the

682
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 1: same age. We should be right, we should be ready

683
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 1: to dating right now. You got your career, right, Yeah,

684
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:56,880
Speaker 1: I got my career, but I kind of want to

685
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:58,920
Speaker 1: do my thing. And even though you are a potential

686
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:02,359
Speaker 1: partner and you've got ship together, I'm just a right,

687
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:06,120
Speaker 1: I just kind of wanted casual. Yeah, That's why I

688
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:07,759
Speaker 1: ended in. That's why I'm glad I entered into it

689
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,120
Speaker 1: at a younger age because, like I said, I had

690
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,759
Speaker 1: my career. She was still building her career, which I

691
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:17,080
Speaker 1: didn't mind. I shifted and it seemed like and my

692
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 1: grandmother used to say this, my grandmother, she's got Alzheimer's now,

693
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,799
Speaker 1: but she's very old school. She said that the worst

694
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 1: thing that ever happened to the black family was the

695
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,799
Speaker 1: women's movement, because no one wants to be at home

696
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:32,359
Speaker 1: to build families, he said. She She said, y'all are

697
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,280
Speaker 1: here having all these babies. At the time, my brother

698
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:37,440
Speaker 1: had had a baby out of what very young. You're

699
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,840
Speaker 1: having all these babies, and nobody's home to raise these babies,

700
00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:42,359
Speaker 1: and babies gonna go up to be adults. And I

701
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,640
Speaker 1: was like, man, that's that's true, because no one values

702
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:49,000
Speaker 1: home anymore. No one values being a homemaker being no truth.

703
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 1: And that's not just women, men too, Like I enjoyed

704
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:54,600
Speaker 1: being a father. I love being a father, right, And

705
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:58,320
Speaker 1: dudes be like, it's a lot take them to school,

706
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: you do that, you gotta make for sometimes I'm like, yeah,

707
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 1: because that's part of being a fun. Man. How much

708
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:05,560
Speaker 1: I heard there from dudes when I just had my

709
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:09,120
Speaker 1: fourth son. We got four kids, and they were like, man,

710
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 1: y'all got another kid. Man you're gonna be changing diaperseness.

711
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 1: I'm like, when I'm bady, I got somebody to take

712
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 1: care of me. You know what I'm saying. This is

713
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 1: a legacy I'm building right here. Like and they were

714
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,080
Speaker 1: that's how they were taught, like it was a negative thing.

715
00:36:21,120 --> 00:36:23,239
Speaker 1: I'm like, have you lost your mind? So you think

716
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 1: that's the mindset of people these days? When you met

717
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:29,880
Speaker 1: your wives? Like how did you? Like? Okay, how do

718
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:32,560
Speaker 1: you even how do you even know? Because I share

719
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,680
Speaker 1: what what your your single friend goes through where you're like, okay,

720
00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:37,800
Speaker 1: I want to smash, hang out, smash, smash match and

721
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:39,279
Speaker 1: they're like, wow, I can't want something a little more

722
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,800
Speaker 1: serious than what comes with it. You're like whoa, whoa,

723
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 1: whoa wha And then it's like how and this is

724
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,480
Speaker 1: just for the merry guys, Like I mean, how did

725
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 1: y'all even know? That's a great question because from me

726
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,879
Speaker 1: the bad chick, and you're like okay, and yeah, for me,

727
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,880
Speaker 1: it's um. Like I said earlier on, it's like I

728
00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 1: saw how much she would better me. I was a

729
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,400
Speaker 1: better by being with her. Um. She was one of

730
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:05,640
Speaker 1: those people like you know, coaching you along. It wasn't

731
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 1: like somebody riding your cotails along for the rat, which

732
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 1: is like, oh, you plan on going through the door. See,

733
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,120
Speaker 1: let's take a step back. Don't do that. Yeah, let's

734
00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 1: let's say a B and D. You know, it's like,

735
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,840
Speaker 1: let's let's think about this. And I was like, you

736
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:19,880
Speaker 1: know what this chick is actually she actually you know,

737
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:21,879
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm thinking if I don't hear

738
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,279
Speaker 1: and grab this, because somebody else might suit through, you know.

739
00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:26,680
Speaker 1: And on top of that, like all my uncles, they

740
00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 1: were all marride and I mean I got some uncles.

741
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 1: They all got kids around the same age by different women.

742
00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:35,600
Speaker 1: But one of my uncle's told me, actually he told

743
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:37,400
Speaker 1: my brother. My brother was telling me about it, he

744
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:39,600
Speaker 1: said he told me. He actually told me one day.

745
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,400
Speaker 1: He said, you know, when you found the right woman,

746
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 1: it's gonna get a little deep. He said, you found

747
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,840
Speaker 1: the right woman when you can picture her sitting beside

748
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:51,520
Speaker 1: you at your mother's funeral. Basically, someone who you see

749
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 1: yourself setting aside in your darkest, deepest, most hurt moment,

750
00:37:56,440 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 1: supporting you. And that's like, okay, so it's but I

751
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:05,240
Speaker 1: understand it bigger. It's bigger than oh, you know, smashing

752
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:07,040
Speaker 1: his chicks. Mashing his chick You know what does she make?

753
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:08,560
Speaker 1: It is like, hold on, how are we truly going

754
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:11,520
Speaker 1: to survive this world and better each other? Because it's

755
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:14,000
Speaker 1: bigger than that. You know, you got you got a legacy,

756
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,680
Speaker 1: you got a family to carry on, and you need

757
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:19,960
Speaker 1: a partner to do that with. And that's I know what.

758
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,080
Speaker 1: You know he doesn't want to say. He doesn't want

759
00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 1: to say cause she be getting nervous. But you know

760
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,400
Speaker 1: that like the idea right now, I can admit, like

761
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:33,480
Speaker 1: the idea of marriage is is beautiful, yes, but like

762
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 1: friendly guys this, but there's a reason why. There's a

763
00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,080
Speaker 1: reason why Cheeto disclosed to me a long time ago

764
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:43,200
Speaker 1: that he had never been in a situation financially where

765
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 1: he could live the life he wanted to live before

766
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,040
Speaker 1: you getting married. Now, let me be clear, right, we

767
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:50,120
Speaker 1: do have to wait longer because nobody here came from

768
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:54,520
Speaker 1: generational wealth. You came from generational from you. So we

769
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,359
Speaker 1: in our life spend out twenties trying to build our

770
00:38:57,440 --> 00:38:59,400
Speaker 1: generational wealth. Then we get to our thirties and we

771
00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:02,440
Speaker 1: can enjoy it. Right. I remember when I was in college,

772
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 1: my white counterparts dad's had money. So on the weekends,

773
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:09,920
Speaker 1: they were on yachts, they were on boats, they were

774
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:13,000
Speaker 1: having parties. They so they had that opportunity to live

775
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,280
Speaker 1: their life. So it's like, you know what, I'm getting

776
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:18,359
Speaker 1: married at seven because I've done all my fun things already.

777
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:21,320
Speaker 1: In the black experience in America, we don't have that experience.

778
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,000
Speaker 1: My father didn't give me a trust fund, in a

779
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:25,440
Speaker 1: in a car and told me to enjoy myself. On

780
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:27,840
Speaker 1: the weekends, I was I was training, or I was

781
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,319
Speaker 1: in my books. So then when I started to make money,

782
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:32,480
Speaker 1: it's like, I have to enjoy this first. Now I

783
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:35,200
Speaker 1: had met Kay going through the whole process, and I

784
00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:37,719
Speaker 1: always wanted to be married. And it's funny you say,

785
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:39,200
Speaker 1: what you know, how do you know when you met

786
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:42,240
Speaker 1: the person? You won't meet the right person until Cheetah

787
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:45,680
Speaker 1: was the right person to be married. Because you have

788
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:49,520
Speaker 1: to be prepared mentally to say I am going to

789
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,359
Speaker 1: do this and deal with all the bullshit that comes

790
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:54,600
Speaker 1: to being married. And I'll break it down to this

791
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,319
Speaker 1: because it's what all the single men asked for the vow.

792
00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:58,239
Speaker 1: How you have sex with one person all the time,

793
00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:00,439
Speaker 1: and how do you see and no it's the truth.

794
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,000
Speaker 1: And they say, how do you how do you not

795
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: only that, deal with the fact that she may not

796
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 1: want to have sex as often as you want to

797
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 1: have sex, because they tell me the stories. They're like, Yo,

798
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 1: I got I go through my d m s. I

799
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,160
Speaker 1: hit somebody up on a Monday, she's not available. I

800
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:15,319
Speaker 1: hit the next one until I hit somebody and then

801
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:17,240
Speaker 1: I do the same thing on the Tuesday and the Wednesday,

802
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:18,760
Speaker 1: and I get what I want and what I need.

803
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 1: When you're married, you have no more d ms. So

804
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 1: if that person is not prepared, you know you can't

805
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:27,439
Speaker 1: do it. And what happens is is that men get

806
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:30,680
Speaker 1: shamed for having high sex drives. They call us dogs,

807
00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:33,279
Speaker 1: they say we're immature. Right, so then you start to

808
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,359
Speaker 1: feel like, damn, am I supposed to not be a man? No?

809
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:38,960
Speaker 1: It is not natural to be with one person for

810
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,279
Speaker 1: the rest of your life. It's not normal. It's not normal.

811
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:43,279
Speaker 1: But let me ask you this, if you want to

812
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:45,080
Speaker 1: do something great in your life, can you do anything

813
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:49,040
Speaker 1: great in your life being normal? No? So when you're

814
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:52,520
Speaker 1: going into marriage, don't go into marriage thinking I can

815
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: be normal in my marriage. There is a discipline to

816
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:58,120
Speaker 1: be a monogamous, that you have to be prepared before

817
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:01,000
Speaker 1: you take that on. And then once you take that on,

818
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,839
Speaker 1: then you'll find then you'll start to realize, like, wait,

819
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:09,080
Speaker 1: this woman here is worth being disciplined. And that's really

820
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,040
Speaker 1: the key. It's not really about the woman. You gotta

821
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:12,680
Speaker 1: find it. You're not even at that point yet, bro,

822
00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:16,200
Speaker 1: So for you looking for women that's worth it. You

823
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:19,320
Speaker 1: not even you don't even want to be discipline You

824
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,600
Speaker 1: don't want to. You don't say you're not looking for

825
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:25,840
Speaker 1: it's fine to be at that point. Yeah. And different

826
00:41:26,239 --> 00:41:29,680
Speaker 1: after marriage, and it's it's a it's different. It's like

827
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 1: it's deeper. It's different sex. Sex, it's a whole different thing.

828
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:37,640
Speaker 1: It's not smashing. It's like no, no, for real, it's

829
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:41,359
Speaker 1: like a deeper deep like that. And what they have.

830
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:44,839
Speaker 1: You still may have smashed sessions, you got that. Look,

831
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,799
Speaker 1: we got fifteen minutes, what we got, let's go, but

832
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:51,400
Speaker 1: you have sex. It's you know, I would imagine that

833
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,440
Speaker 1: it would have to be though, yes, yeah, for this

834
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,640
Speaker 1: have to be designed that way. You know, it's like

835
00:41:57,239 --> 00:42:02,600
Speaker 1: we got to find something deep. Here's another thing too,

836
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:06,920
Speaker 1: when you have kids, right, because for me, marriage was

837
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:10,240
Speaker 1: about legacy. Everybody gets married for their own reasons. Marriage

838
00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:12,960
Speaker 1: for me was my legacy. I want the Ellis name

839
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:17,200
Speaker 1: to live on eternity. What better way than to have

840
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,879
Speaker 1: your name live on through eternity is to have your

841
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 1: own children and teach them everything that you learn and

842
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:25,879
Speaker 1: have them take all of your teachings and tell their

843
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,680
Speaker 1: kids and tell their kids. Like to me, that was

844
00:42:28,719 --> 00:42:31,800
Speaker 1: the most important part of marriage. The companionship, the friendship,

845
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,759
Speaker 1: her cooking and cleaning me cooking and cleaning, sexualless stuff.

846
00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:36,840
Speaker 1: You can find that in a buddy or a best friend.

847
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:38,839
Speaker 1: If you have a best friend that's a female, you'all

848
00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:40,400
Speaker 1: can do that and don't got to be married, you

849
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:43,160
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. It was about the legacy, like

850
00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,600
Speaker 1: building it, you know, like that's that to me was

851
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:49,640
Speaker 1: the most important part of marriage. And marriage ain't for

852
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:53,880
Speaker 1: everybody because you sit down and think about it sometimes

853
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:55,839
Speaker 1: and I have buddies. A lot of my friends are married.

854
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:57,920
Speaker 1: A few of us are kind of where I'm at,

855
00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:01,440
Speaker 1: and it's like deaf kids definitely, It's like I want kids,

856
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:04,880
Speaker 1: but do I want marriage? And they're supposed to go together,

857
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:08,399
Speaker 1: but don't have to know. People were making it work

858
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:10,320
Speaker 1: that way with this new age until you got that

859
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: baby's mama and me it's like, I don't like you

860
00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:20,680
Speaker 1: want to get married. This is what I will say.

861
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,640
Speaker 1: What I've gathered just being here and observing the room

862
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 1: is the people who are single and the people who

863
00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 1: are married. And both of you guys said it, which

864
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 1: I don't know what your experiences with like men and

865
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:32,000
Speaker 1: your family, but both of you guys said that you

866
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,000
Speaker 1: had a lot of uncles who were married and your

867
00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:37,760
Speaker 1: parents were your parents married, My parents were not married.

868
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:40,359
Speaker 1: My uncle's are seeing I think my uncle may be married,

869
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:44,360
Speaker 1: but it's like his seventh marriage, like and so so

870
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 1: growing up. For me, what I the reason why I

871
00:43:47,239 --> 00:43:48,759
Speaker 1: want to get married, and I think I'm more sure

872
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:52,319
Speaker 1: than cheetoh is is because I saw the trajectory or

873
00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:57,080
Speaker 1: the journey that those men had without being married. My

874
00:43:57,160 --> 00:43:58,719
Speaker 1: dad is not married, you know what I mean, Like

875
00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:00,960
Speaker 1: my mom is not married. You know. When so I

876
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:05,279
Speaker 1: I understand that in love, I want my life to

877
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:08,319
Speaker 1: be different than those before me. And so I know

878
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:12,279
Speaker 1: that when I see um a vivid illustration of a

879
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:14,799
Speaker 1: marriage and where I'm close enough to devour to know.

880
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:17,239
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes when you get upset or I see

881
00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:19,480
Speaker 1: him deal with his kids and deal with his wife.

882
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:27,560
Speaker 1: This is probably my first exposure to so. I mean,

883
00:44:27,680 --> 00:44:30,760
Speaker 1: I tell the Valanchio all the time, like, I don't

884
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:33,839
Speaker 1: really care for kids. Um, and I talked right out

885
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:36,360
Speaker 1: of college and I did not like the kids. I

886
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:45,359
Speaker 1: do not like kids. Kids. I love each of them,

887
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:49,280
Speaker 1: and I don't know what that's about. I have nieces

888
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:51,800
Speaker 1: and nephew I don't and I love his kids. I

889
00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:53,680
Speaker 1: don't know what it's about, but I think that it's

890
00:44:53,719 --> 00:44:55,759
Speaker 1: because like and I love I have a niece that's

891
00:44:55,800 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 1: like my god daughter and I love her, but my

892
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:03,040
Speaker 1: sister is single. Um de valence, it's a heat. There

893
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:06,640
Speaker 1: is a family unit that y'all think, y'all see on Instagram,

894
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:10,960
Speaker 1: but it's it's truly something that's inspiring. And so in

895
00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:13,080
Speaker 1: the eight months or nine months that I've been a

896
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:15,839
Speaker 1: different conversation right there, in the eight months nine months

897
00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:17,799
Speaker 1: that I've been doing the vow, it has helped me

898
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:21,319
Speaker 1: to understand that I actually do want kids. I think

899
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:23,759
Speaker 1: that I was. I'm afraid that what I have to

900
00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 1: offer right now without a partner, it's something that I

901
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,040
Speaker 1: got it as a kid, and it wasn't enough, and

902
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:32,520
Speaker 1: I dealt with struggles. I deal with things growing up

903
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:36,840
Speaker 1: because I did not have a unit. And I believe,

904
00:45:37,120 --> 00:45:39,680
Speaker 1: and that's why I'm saying that, I believe that to

905
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:44,480
Speaker 1: adequately raise black men and women in America, there needs

906
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:46,839
Speaker 1: to be a unit. That's just what I believe. That's

907
00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 1: I mean. Um, it's crazy because I have I come from.

908
00:45:51,200 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 1: My parents are still together. I've been together a long time.

909
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 1: But like I said, I I've been over enough to

910
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:59,480
Speaker 1: um see the ups and downs of of marriage. On

911
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:02,160
Speaker 1: the flips out of that, there is that we're I'm

912
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 1: the second oldest, so I passed away but pretty much

913
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:07,719
Speaker 1: been the oldest my entire life. So for my personal experience,

914
00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:09,799
Speaker 1: and maybe there's others after that to share the same thing,

915
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:13,080
Speaker 1: like when you do start accumulating wealth or making money.

916
00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:17,240
Speaker 1: I have six other siblings, so I've always constantly shared

917
00:46:17,239 --> 00:46:21,920
Speaker 1: a room shared. I've never when I really sit down

918
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:24,239
Speaker 1: to myself and things like damn, I'm never really just

919
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:28,640
Speaker 1: like I was wondering where I was like clutch on

920
00:46:28,680 --> 00:46:30,120
Speaker 1: the things, or just when I just want to be

921
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:32,600
Speaker 1: at home by myself in my introvert No, sometimes just

922
00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:37,880
Speaker 1: like damn, I just want to be find him first apartment.

923
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:39,680
Speaker 1: That was the first time five four years ago when

924
00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:41,400
Speaker 1: I moved out hotel, was the first time I had

925
00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:44,600
Speaker 1: my own place to myself and my years of being

926
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:46,480
Speaker 1: off this earth, you know what I mean. So it's like,

927
00:46:46,920 --> 00:46:49,560
Speaker 1: all right, I want to do cheeto right now. So

928
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:51,320
Speaker 1: I don't want to put it as like there was

929
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:54,080
Speaker 1: something going on that's it was coming up. I think

930
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,800
Speaker 1: it's that was a hard transition for me, going single

931
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,359
Speaker 1: to being married and what we were in age by

932
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,279
Speaker 1: the time I moved out here, we were engaged and

933
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,279
Speaker 1: living together and me, I was used to having my

934
00:47:04,320 --> 00:47:07,200
Speaker 1: own thing. And it's like, I'm a neat freak, like

935
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:09,160
Speaker 1: like to the point of the hell life for people,

936
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:12,279
Speaker 1: and it's like she's not. It's like polar opposites, but

937
00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:15,160
Speaker 1: they say the opposite attract I guess. But what was

938
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:18,000
Speaker 1: that about the neatness of women and men? Know? It

939
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:21,840
Speaker 1: depends defense. I'm gonna tell you it depends because it's

940
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:25,359
Speaker 1: a myth that that men are messy and women keep

941
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:29,799
Speaker 1: the house, but it's really not. It depends on it

942
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:35,399
Speaker 1: depends on the area of the house. Houses. Man, girl,

943
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 1: you live like this? Who you dating? Bro? Question? We're

944
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:53,440
Speaker 1: gonna start picking. We're gonna pick people. People do be messy, alright,

945
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:55,279
Speaker 1: so real quick, let me let me take this back

946
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:57,759
Speaker 1: because now we have some insight to what goes on

947
00:47:57,800 --> 00:48:08,200
Speaker 1: into dating. Um, is marriage a priority? Is it? The

948
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:10,960
Speaker 1: answered a lot quicker before the beginning. Now that we

949
00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:14,719
Speaker 1: discussed it, I already realized it for Cheeta, not right now,

950
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,239
Speaker 1: for you. It is. It's not the first priority, but

951
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:26,200
Speaker 1: it is a priority. That's fair. That's fair. It's not paper,

952
00:48:26,719 --> 00:48:29,799
Speaker 1: you know what. It's important because I feel like when

953
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:32,239
Speaker 1: women date, women are a lot more deliberate with dating

954
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:34,920
Speaker 1: when they want to date liberally because they have biological

955
00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:36,959
Speaker 1: things that they need to focus on. So I feel

956
00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:39,799
Speaker 1: like women often date men saying I need to make

957
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,440
Speaker 1: him ready for marriage when it the bottom line is

958
00:48:42,440 --> 00:48:45,080
Speaker 1: if that brother is not ready for marriage, you can't

959
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:48,520
Speaker 1: date him into being ready for marriage. She has to

960
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:51,040
Speaker 1: be ready. And I think that's what what people need

961
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:55,239
Speaker 1: to be up front when they date. And I'm very

962
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:57,479
Speaker 1: upfront because I'm so glad you said that because I've

963
00:48:57,480 --> 00:49:00,759
Speaker 1: had I've met women who are like really deliberate and

964
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:03,080
Speaker 1: I respect and I let him know right there, like, Yo,

965
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,839
Speaker 1: it's just not gonna go anywhere and to their crest

966
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:07,239
Speaker 1: and they're just been like, okay, well this is it.

967
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:16,560
Speaker 1: And it's been like, oh yeah, you to And I'm like, okay,

968
00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:18,400
Speaker 1: well that you gotta respect that. I respect it and

969
00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:22,200
Speaker 1: go back after. She's gonna be somebody's wife. She can't

970
00:49:22,239 --> 00:49:25,640
Speaker 1: beat somebody's out here doing free smashes and she's looking

971
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:29,359
Speaker 1: for a husband. I have very close friends who I mean,

972
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:31,760
Speaker 1: obviously since we've been on the show. People know who Devallece.

973
00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:34,840
Speaker 1: You know who Cheeto is and a beautiful friends and

974
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:37,759
Speaker 1: Cheeto you know who I'm talking about who Cheet always like,

975
00:49:38,080 --> 00:49:40,319
Speaker 1: you know, she looks great and she's like he looks great.

976
00:49:40,320 --> 00:49:45,360
Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, right ready, I'll kill him. No,

977
00:49:45,560 --> 00:49:47,840
Speaker 1: I get it, I get it, I get it. You

978
00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:52,000
Speaker 1: shouldn't go to that place, y'all on different planes. She said,

979
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:54,399
Speaker 1: you want to meet the right to you're the right person, though,

980
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:57,040
Speaker 1: that's that's that's rightly the best thing from here. I

981
00:49:57,040 --> 00:49:59,239
Speaker 1: think I'm the right person. It's just the right just

982
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,680
Speaker 1: like with you can't have like a healthy, healthy dating life,

983
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:05,920
Speaker 1: and I just especially myself, I always pride myself on

984
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:08,840
Speaker 1: trying to be as upfront, not as as possible because

985
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:11,560
Speaker 1: it just eliminates the drub. I hate drunk, so I

986
00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:15,880
Speaker 1: don't ever want to worry about getting an arguments girls

987
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:18,080
Speaker 1: text made texting them it's or anything crazy. If I

988
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:19,480
Speaker 1: just be up front from the beginning, you know what

989
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:22,080
Speaker 1: it is, whether feelings have been caught or whatever down

990
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:27,759
Speaker 1: the line. Listen, I told you that's when it don't matter.

991
00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:31,520
Speaker 1: And the reason why we don't, the reason why now

992
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:34,880
Speaker 1: you are god because you ain't going nowhere. You know,

993
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:37,640
Speaker 1: it's just so crazy because a lot of women get

994
00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:40,279
Speaker 1: upset at the truth when they hear that, and so

995
00:50:40,440 --> 00:50:42,799
Speaker 1: it makes you I just really respect you for doing

996
00:50:42,840 --> 00:50:45,680
Speaker 1: that because women who get upset if you said, oh,

997
00:50:45,719 --> 00:50:47,520
Speaker 1: you're adult, you're trying to be out here, you belong

998
00:50:47,600 --> 00:50:52,800
Speaker 1: to the street, you do, you know, it's like you know,

999
00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:55,399
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know man, you know, calm down, man,

1000
00:50:57,360 --> 00:51:00,040
Speaker 1: that hurt you hit me? You know, I'm let and

1001
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:02,400
Speaker 1: you know the truth, so that we won't have issues

1002
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 1: for us. I just said, let me phone can argument

1003
00:51:08,800 --> 00:51:11,759
Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna tell you something. Yeah, that don't change.

1004
00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:14,000
Speaker 1: When you get married. Women still don't want to hear

1005
00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:16,360
Speaker 1: the truth. Women will tell you They just tell me

1006
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,040
Speaker 1: how you feel I want to know, And then with

1007
00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:21,799
Speaker 1: each other they're like, no, they don't know, don't want

1008
00:51:21,800 --> 00:51:26,279
Speaker 1: to hear. They want to hear a certain way. You know,

1009
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:27,960
Speaker 1: they want the truth, but they wanted to be spelled

1010
00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:30,680
Speaker 1: out differently from what from the way we know how

1011
00:51:30,719 --> 00:51:32,359
Speaker 1: to say it. That's all wife of all time. I'm

1012
00:51:32,400 --> 00:51:34,760
Speaker 1: a man, I don't know how to articulate the word.

1013
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:37,640
Speaker 1: Those shoes are ugly. I don't know how else to

1014
00:51:37,680 --> 00:51:43,440
Speaker 1: say it. That's me like, I ain't gonna let hear this.

1015
00:51:48,600 --> 00:51:50,480
Speaker 1: Well check this out. Man, guys, I appreciate you all

1016
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:52,920
Speaker 1: right now, we'll be right back with listening letters after

1017
00:51:53,000 --> 00:52:03,160
Speaker 1: these ads. This for the record, there it is a

1018
00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:07,960
Speaker 1: winds for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our

1019
00:52:08,040 --> 00:52:12,640
Speaker 1: most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with

1020
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:17,440
Speaker 1: many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and

1021
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:23,080
Speaker 1: selfish behavior. But here it is the return to glory.

1022
00:52:26,040 --> 00:52:30,160
Speaker 1: This is All American, a new series from Stitcher, hosted

1023
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:33,320
Speaker 1: by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger Woos doesn't know

1024
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:36,560
Speaker 1: who he is best in the history of Gaul, no

1025
00:52:36,800 --> 00:52:40,839
Speaker 1: question in my mind. And this season, with the help

1026
00:52:40,880 --> 00:52:45,240
Speaker 1: of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story

1027
00:52:45,680 --> 00:52:49,200
Speaker 1: of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling. What

1028
00:52:49,360 --> 00:52:54,440
Speaker 1: if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now.

1029
00:52:54,760 --> 00:53:05,719
Speaker 1: Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. Alright, guys,

1030
00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:07,640
Speaker 1: be back in. Canine's not here for a favorite part

1031
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:09,319
Speaker 1: of the show, So I'm gonna jump right in. Here

1032
00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:11,960
Speaker 1: is listening letters. That's when people write in what they're

1033
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:13,560
Speaker 1: going through and they try to get advice from us.

1034
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:15,320
Speaker 1: So we're gonna try to give these people some good advice.

1035
00:53:15,400 --> 00:53:18,000
Speaker 1: The first one is about seven months ago, a cowork

1036
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:19,799
Speaker 1: of mine slid in my d MS and expressed her

1037
00:53:19,880 --> 00:53:21,719
Speaker 1: interest in me. I told her I wasn't looking for

1038
00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:24,160
Speaker 1: a relationship, but I was down to hang out. Um,

1039
00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:27,840
Speaker 1: she's not black. I strongly believe the most revolutionary thing

1040
00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:29,800
Speaker 1: a black man can do is love, protect and raised

1041
00:53:29,880 --> 00:53:32,440
Speaker 1: children with a black woman. And I've always intended on

1042
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:36,759
Speaker 1: that being the case. What's your perspective on interracial interracial dating?

1043
00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:39,239
Speaker 1: And in my room for having doubts simply because she

1044
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 1: isn't black, I got my thoughts on this. I don't

1045
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:44,239
Speaker 1: know how y'all feel about this. He likes what he likes,

1046
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:47,839
Speaker 1: he said, he just wanted to he said he want

1047
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:50,640
Speaker 1: to hang out. I don't see what the problem is. Yeah,

1048
00:53:50,640 --> 00:53:52,840
Speaker 1: but he also said, is he wrong for having his

1049
00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:56,480
Speaker 1: thoughts about only wanting to marry and build a family

1050
00:53:56,520 --> 00:53:59,759
Speaker 1: with a No. I mean marriage and dating and hanging

1051
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:02,840
Speaker 1: out are completely different. Spect to me, they're completely different.

1052
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:04,800
Speaker 1: And also, and even if he didn't want to marry,

1053
00:54:05,200 --> 00:54:06,960
Speaker 1: if he wants to marry back, but I think that

1054
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:08,680
Speaker 1: I don't think that anybody would have an issue with

1055
00:54:08,719 --> 00:54:10,399
Speaker 1: the white person saying they want to marry a white person.

1056
00:54:11,120 --> 00:54:13,240
Speaker 1: So we should have to apologize. I've heard that before,

1057
00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:15,520
Speaker 1: you know. It was that college women like, well, I'm

1058
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:16,920
Speaker 1: gonna we can hang out, do our thing. But I'm

1059
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,359
Speaker 1: actually I know I'm gonna marry a white man. I'm like, yeah,

1060
00:54:19,360 --> 00:54:20,839
Speaker 1: I've never heard from a white woman because I don't

1061
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 1: deal with him well. But you know, you know what's

1062
00:54:24,640 --> 00:54:29,520
Speaker 1: funny though, if you look at history, white women have historically,

1063
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:33,240
Speaker 1: especially in college, dealt with a ton of black lithletes.

1064
00:54:33,800 --> 00:54:36,359
Speaker 1: But we'll only bring a white man home to our father,

1065
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:38,799
Speaker 1: you know. But you know, we do get black if

1066
00:54:38,840 --> 00:54:41,600
Speaker 1: we say that that's the rules and regulations. Here's the

1067
00:54:41,600 --> 00:54:43,080
Speaker 1: truth though, and this is why it's like black mama,

1068
00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:48,160
Speaker 1: mama's black mamas will say that. Black mamas will say that,

1069
00:54:48,560 --> 00:54:51,520
Speaker 1: But there's a reason why, right. And I believe in

1070
00:54:51,719 --> 00:54:54,200
Speaker 1: loving who you want to love, all right, because just

1071
00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:56,680
Speaker 1: because someone's black, don't mean they're gonna love you better

1072
00:54:56,840 --> 00:54:59,000
Speaker 1: than a white person can love you. But what I

1073
00:54:59,160 --> 00:55:01,680
Speaker 1: fear is similar to what I went through in high school.

1074
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:03,839
Speaker 1: A buddy of mine. Don't wan to stay his name

1075
00:55:03,880 --> 00:55:06,080
Speaker 1: because you know they may still be listening, but he

1076
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:08,360
Speaker 1: was half black, half white. His dad was white, his

1077
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:11,319
Speaker 1: mom was black, and his father was a very very

1078
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:12,920
Speaker 1: nice guy, always opened up his home to us and

1079
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:15,080
Speaker 1: stuff like that. We were walking around Kings Plaza and

1080
00:55:15,120 --> 00:55:17,800
Speaker 1: they had this new rule, this one stopping frisk was around.

1081
00:55:17,960 --> 00:55:20,000
Speaker 1: They had this new ruling Kings Plaza that if if

1082
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,880
Speaker 1: three or more people assembled in a group, it was

1083
00:55:22,960 --> 00:55:26,120
Speaker 1: considered a gang and you had to be detained. Just

1084
00:55:26,200 --> 00:55:30,080
Speaker 1: came from football practice. We're walking around them all and

1085
00:55:30,360 --> 00:55:32,760
Speaker 1: the cops stop us. This when they had two officers

1086
00:55:32,800 --> 00:55:35,359
Speaker 1: on both floors. Cops stop us, pull us over, boom um,

1087
00:55:35,440 --> 00:55:37,480
Speaker 1: come here. So we're like, what's up. It's like, why

1088
00:55:37,520 --> 00:55:39,920
Speaker 1: are y'all walking together? So now we're just like we

1089
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:41,560
Speaker 1: just came from football practice. We all had on the

1090
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 1: same colors, black and gold or whatever, and they grabbed us,

1091
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:47,279
Speaker 1: you know, put us in handcuffs, and we're sitting there,

1092
00:55:47,320 --> 00:55:49,840
Speaker 1: and call your parents. So he called his dad, and

1093
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,920
Speaker 1: his dad white man walks in, you know, screaming what happened?

1094
00:55:52,960 --> 00:55:54,479
Speaker 1: What happened? What you do? And he was like nothing,

1095
00:55:54,520 --> 00:55:56,759
Speaker 1: We were just walking around. And he said something that

1096
00:55:57,040 --> 00:55:59,200
Speaker 1: that resonated with me. He said, cops are not gonna

1097
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:01,600
Speaker 1: just pull you over and arrest you for no reason.

1098
00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:05,799
Speaker 1: And what I realized at that point, being seventeen years old,

1099
00:56:05,960 --> 00:56:10,080
Speaker 1: was he doesn't understand the black experience. And that's true,

1100
00:56:10,280 --> 00:56:12,120
Speaker 1: and it is it's truth. And I wasn't even mad

1101
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:13,839
Speaker 1: at at his son. I was mad at him at

1102
00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:15,719
Speaker 1: that point because I was kind of like, what is

1103
00:56:15,760 --> 00:56:19,040
Speaker 1: he talking about? And then, um, he was reprimanding his

1104
00:56:19,120 --> 00:56:21,279
Speaker 1: son there, you know what I to reprimand his son.

1105
00:56:21,400 --> 00:56:23,040
Speaker 1: He got his son and they just walked out that

1106
00:56:23,120 --> 00:56:25,319
Speaker 1: they left right so, and I was just like, Wow,

1107
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:28,640
Speaker 1: he really doesn't understand. And if he doesn't understand, how

1108
00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:31,520
Speaker 1: can he explain to his son how to be black

1109
00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:34,839
Speaker 1: in America? Can't And the same dudes that walk into

1110
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:38,800
Speaker 1: your college, you know, black dudes or whatever, like it's no, no,

1111
00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:43,239
Speaker 1: you did do something and I didn't do nothing. Being

1112
00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:46,200
Speaker 1: out there where they grow up, maybe a suburban area

1113
00:56:46,280 --> 00:56:48,520
Speaker 1: or whatever, it's like, bro, that's not how it works.

1114
00:56:49,120 --> 00:56:51,200
Speaker 1: And you gotta culture in them a little bit, school

1115
00:56:51,239 --> 00:56:53,799
Speaker 1: them in the locker room, and you see the ship

1116
00:56:53,880 --> 00:56:55,600
Speaker 1: and you do some some of those guys, there is

1117
00:56:55,640 --> 00:56:57,239
Speaker 1: a shift that you know, they get around more black

1118
00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:01,560
Speaker 1: folk and they realized people. I've seen people come to

1119
00:57:01,640 --> 00:57:04,520
Speaker 1: that realization that have mixed kids or end up adopting

1120
00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:07,920
Speaker 1: and they and they have I have a cousin, um,

1121
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:10,320
Speaker 1: he married a white woman. She already had kids, He

1122
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:12,920
Speaker 1: already had kids, They had a child together. So she

1123
00:57:13,080 --> 00:57:15,800
Speaker 1: realizes that her first son, she has a compens to

1124
00:57:15,840 --> 00:57:18,720
Speaker 1: have a completely different conversation from the one that she

1125
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:22,560
Speaker 1: has with him. And that's I know. That's I know

1126
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:25,880
Speaker 1: spoke to a lot of people, or particularly definite parents

1127
00:57:25,880 --> 00:57:28,240
Speaker 1: about those conversations because you're talking about birds and the

1128
00:57:28,280 --> 00:57:30,120
Speaker 1: bees and you're talking about not getting shot y'all the

1129
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:33,760
Speaker 1: same age. What's the movie from American Son? You have

1130
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:36,080
Speaker 1: to watch and listen, guys. You know, I was over

1131
00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:39,440
Speaker 1: thinking about if you do not watch American Son as

1132
00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:43,240
Speaker 1: a black person in America, you are doing yourself. Not

1133
00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:45,800
Speaker 1: only is it a great movie, but the lesson I

1134
00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:49,560
Speaker 1: don't want to give away the lesson, but the lesson

1135
00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:53,640
Speaker 1: is very similar to the movie Widows. The movie Widows,

1136
00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:56,280
Speaker 1: the son was half black, half white, the father was black,

1137
00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:59,000
Speaker 1: the mom was The father was white, the mom was black.

1138
00:57:59,440 --> 00:58:01,400
Speaker 1: He has dropped a nice car, gets pulled over by

1139
00:58:01,480 --> 00:58:03,640
Speaker 1: the police and he's like, what am I being stopped for?

1140
00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:06,280
Speaker 1: And his father is a very rich, prominent white Man's

1141
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,200
Speaker 1: like what am I being stopped for? And the cop

1142
00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:10,200
Speaker 1: is just like, can I have your license and registration?

1143
00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:11,560
Speaker 1: He's like, what am I being stopped for? And the

1144
00:58:11,600 --> 00:58:14,280
Speaker 1: cop is like license registration. He reaches in the glove

1145
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:17,960
Speaker 1: compartment without even thinking, and the cop pulls out the

1146
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:21,880
Speaker 1: gun and about shoots him. And then I'm saying to myself,

1147
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:25,880
Speaker 1: he probably was never taught by his dad how to

1148
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:28,280
Speaker 1: address But you can't teach what you don't know. And

1149
00:58:28,360 --> 00:58:31,240
Speaker 1: I don't blame or what you don't want to know

1150
00:58:31,360 --> 00:58:35,200
Speaker 1: because they don't want And and my thing is you

1151
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:36,600
Speaker 1: can love who you want to love. I know what

1152
00:58:36,720 --> 00:58:39,480
Speaker 1: I love. I love what you want to love. But

1153
00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:42,440
Speaker 1: also build a village around your kids so that they

1154
00:58:42,520 --> 00:58:46,800
Speaker 1: can be successful, because if you have a white mother

1155
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:49,760
Speaker 1: or father, there's certain things that black little girls go

1156
00:58:49,840 --> 00:58:52,200
Speaker 1: through the white little girls don't go through. There's certain

1157
00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:54,760
Speaker 1: things that black boys go through that white boys don't

1158
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:57,840
Speaker 1: go through it. So they have to be equipped absolutely

1159
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:01,520
Speaker 1: what you gotta be. You got to Being blind to

1160
00:59:01,560 --> 00:59:07,240
Speaker 1: the experience is not fair to your offspring especially. But

1161
00:59:07,320 --> 00:59:08,840
Speaker 1: that's that's a good one. Guys, We got one more,

1162
00:59:09,520 --> 00:59:12,320
Speaker 1: number two. I am the type of woman who always

1163
00:59:12,360 --> 00:59:14,720
Speaker 1: wanted to be established before I found a man I

1164
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:16,720
Speaker 1: wanted to be with. I always thought I could not

1165
00:59:16,840 --> 00:59:20,080
Speaker 1: request a strong, intelligent, and financially independent partner unless I

1166
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:23,000
Speaker 1: was all that for myself already. Kudos to you. I'm

1167
00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:25,200
Speaker 1: still young, but I don't want to lose myself or

1168
00:59:25,280 --> 00:59:27,439
Speaker 1: my dreams for a man. It scares me to date

1169
00:59:28,560 --> 00:59:30,680
Speaker 1: before I am stable in my career. But I'm watching

1170
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:33,560
Speaker 1: you and cadein knowing you started your dating and relationship

1171
00:59:33,640 --> 00:59:36,040
Speaker 1: in college. Do you think you would lose yourselves in

1172
00:59:36,120 --> 00:59:44,520
Speaker 1: a relationship? Um? What's her name? Someone wants to UM.

1173
00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:47,640
Speaker 1: I will say this, everybody's relationship experience is different. In

1174
00:59:47,720 --> 00:59:50,880
Speaker 1: life experience is different. I would never tell people to

1175
00:59:51,040 --> 00:59:53,280
Speaker 1: just follow what I've been through because it worked for me,

1176
00:59:54,000 --> 00:59:56,760
Speaker 1: because everything doesn't work for people. What I'll say is,

1177
00:59:58,320 --> 01:00:01,200
Speaker 1: I wouldn't refrain from dating people while trying to build

1178
01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:04,200
Speaker 1: because you may stumble among someone who has the same

1179
01:00:04,280 --> 01:00:07,240
Speaker 1: moral code and the same building aspect of life as you.

1180
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:10,520
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't sacrifice yourself just to be in a

1181
01:00:10,600 --> 01:00:13,360
Speaker 1: relationship if that person isn't on the same page as you. Right,

1182
01:00:14,080 --> 01:00:17,520
Speaker 1: what do you guys think? I agree with that. I

1183
01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:19,840
Speaker 1: think that you can only lose yourself when you don't

1184
01:00:19,880 --> 01:00:22,320
Speaker 1: know who yourself is. Right, Yeah, there you go. It

1185
01:00:22,400 --> 01:00:24,440
Speaker 1: sounds like you know you're working towards something. You've gotta mind,

1186
01:00:24,440 --> 01:00:27,720
Speaker 1: strong mindset. You're good. Well that was that was good.

1187
01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:30,640
Speaker 1: That was easy. Man, We get some guys. I'm gonna

1188
01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:32,840
Speaker 1: have y'all back on here. We gotta do this man episode.

1189
01:00:32,840 --> 01:00:34,520
Speaker 1: And the funny thing is I was getting a lot

1190
01:00:34,640 --> 01:00:38,080
Speaker 1: of inquiries from guys saying, like, you should do a

1191
01:00:38,160 --> 01:00:41,200
Speaker 1: guy's podcast. And the funny thing is I got a

1192
01:00:41,280 --> 01:00:44,160
Speaker 1: lot of inquiries from women who was saying they would

1193
01:00:44,200 --> 01:00:50,320
Speaker 1: like to hear more of the Maile. It's just like

1194
01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:53,480
Speaker 1: people just trying to understand each other. That's it. That's it.

1195
01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:55,720
Speaker 1: Checked this out. If you want to be featured as

1196
01:00:55,760 --> 01:00:57,760
Speaker 1: one of our listener letters, email us at dead Ass

1197
01:00:57,760 --> 01:01:01,520
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot calm. That's dead ass Advice at

1198
01:01:01,560 --> 01:01:04,520
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. So, guys, this part, it's called the

1199
01:01:04,560 --> 01:01:06,440
Speaker 1: moment of Truth. That's where we go around the table

1200
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:09,080
Speaker 1: and we figure out what the moment of truth is.

1201
01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:15,160
Speaker 1: For this episode, we'll start with my UM. I think

1202
01:01:15,200 --> 01:01:21,640
Speaker 1: that the most valuable lesson, UM is understanding how marriage

1203
01:01:22,040 --> 01:01:26,640
Speaker 1: from you know to married men is more about when

1204
01:01:26,680 --> 01:01:28,320
Speaker 1: you when you're learning that you want to be married,

1205
01:01:28,320 --> 01:01:32,520
Speaker 1: It's more about establishing something more long game than what

1206
01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:37,680
Speaker 1: is stimulating at the inception. UM. I think that's that

1207
01:01:37,880 --> 01:01:40,400
Speaker 1: The biggest takeaway for me is just understanding that as

1208
01:01:40,440 --> 01:01:43,520
Speaker 1: I leave this room today and I text whoever, talk

1209
01:01:43,600 --> 01:01:47,400
Speaker 1: to whoever, I want to make sure that if I'm

1210
01:01:47,440 --> 01:01:49,360
Speaker 1: giving him my time, it's somebody who I can sit

1211
01:01:49,480 --> 01:01:52,160
Speaker 1: next to at my mother's funeral, you know, or you know,

1212
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,520
Speaker 1: start a legacy of a family together that well I'll

1213
01:01:55,600 --> 01:01:58,000
Speaker 1: leave behind for generations and generations. Just those kind of

1214
01:01:58,040 --> 01:02:01,440
Speaker 1: words for me are um outful, and I've gathered that

1215
01:02:01,720 --> 01:02:03,840
Speaker 1: so I learned life from the Mary guys today. Yeah,

1216
01:02:04,080 --> 01:02:07,160
Speaker 1: for me, it's just an understanding of oneself, um that

1217
01:02:07,280 --> 01:02:10,120
Speaker 1: we're all on our own path. And I really just

1218
01:02:10,400 --> 01:02:12,760
Speaker 1: hearing your guy's story about how you found you know,

1219
01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:17,440
Speaker 1: your your partner, your partner, your your wife. UM really

1220
01:02:17,440 --> 01:02:18,720
Speaker 1: allowed me to sit there and be like, Okay, well

1221
01:02:18,720 --> 01:02:20,360
Speaker 1: that was just their journey, you know, I mean, and

1222
01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:22,600
Speaker 1: there are similar things that they went through that I'm

1223
01:02:22,680 --> 01:02:26,360
Speaker 1: going through and it's okay. So for guys out there,

1224
01:02:26,440 --> 01:02:30,360
Speaker 1: it is okay to be, you know, with yourself on

1225
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:32,760
Speaker 1: your own journey and then it's gonna work out. You're

1226
01:02:32,760 --> 01:02:34,480
Speaker 1: gonna find your one. And I hope, you know, I

1227
01:02:34,560 --> 01:02:37,360
Speaker 1: actually hope one day that that happens for your boy,

1228
01:02:37,800 --> 01:02:41,960
Speaker 1: sooner than later. Cheeto, God damn it. Years over market

1229
01:02:43,520 --> 01:02:47,760
Speaker 1: allowed to cheat those point. Um. Yeah, realizing because like

1230
01:02:47,920 --> 01:02:50,440
Speaker 1: I'm from Kentucky, small tent was not that small, but

1231
01:02:51,360 --> 01:02:55,480
Speaker 1: smaller compared to l A or whatever. And realizing, you know,

1232
01:02:55,880 --> 01:02:58,600
Speaker 1: that single journey in this day and age, because before

1233
01:02:58,640 --> 01:03:00,440
Speaker 1: it's easy for it. Marry guys look that it's like

1234
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:05,000
Speaker 1: they're silly. However, everybody does have a different path, everybody

1235
01:03:05,040 --> 01:03:09,160
Speaker 1: does have a different experience. And realizing that. That's something

1236
01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:11,320
Speaker 1: that I learned is a lot of people, like you

1237
01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:13,480
Speaker 1: said you came from you know, you always had to

1238
01:03:13,520 --> 01:03:15,840
Speaker 1: share everything and you need that time to where I

1239
01:03:15,960 --> 01:03:17,400
Speaker 1: had that time, But I had it at a much

1240
01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:20,440
Speaker 1: earlier age. Um, And that's something I just took from.

1241
01:03:20,480 --> 01:03:23,280
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, just yeah, you was caking early,

1242
01:03:23,400 --> 01:03:29,960
Speaker 1: bro buying houses and cars two years after. But I

1243
01:03:30,040 --> 01:03:31,800
Speaker 1: made it makes sense you live that you live at

1244
01:03:31,800 --> 01:03:34,200
Speaker 1: that so that's that's your reality, which makes sense why

1245
01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:37,000
Speaker 1: you got married so early. For me, what I learned

1246
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:38,920
Speaker 1: today is I learned a lot from from all of

1247
01:03:39,000 --> 01:03:41,600
Speaker 1: you guys. Um. First thing I learned, well, I I

1248
01:03:42,040 --> 01:03:44,080
Speaker 1: gathered from all of this what Brian said was very key.

1249
01:03:44,200 --> 01:03:48,040
Speaker 1: Understanding your culture. Understanding your history will better equip you

1250
01:03:48,680 --> 01:03:51,280
Speaker 1: to find someone that you want to spend the rest

1251
01:03:51,320 --> 01:03:52,920
Speaker 1: of your life with, because there are a lot of

1252
01:03:53,000 --> 01:03:55,880
Speaker 1: things that black women, men and women have gone through

1253
01:03:55,920 --> 01:03:57,520
Speaker 1: in this country that make us who we are. And

1254
01:03:57,640 --> 01:04:00,680
Speaker 1: until you understand that, you really cannot find this is

1255
01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:02,200
Speaker 1: the person is going to spend the rest of your

1256
01:04:02,240 --> 01:04:05,200
Speaker 1: life with. From Cheetah, I've learned that it's okay to

1257
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:09,080
Speaker 1: be where you are in your life as long as

1258
01:04:09,120 --> 01:04:11,720
Speaker 1: you're transparent with the people you're dating, you can be

1259
01:04:11,800 --> 01:04:13,480
Speaker 1: who you are, You can have fun. You can go

1260
01:04:13,600 --> 01:04:15,720
Speaker 1: out there and date as long as you let them

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01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:17,960
Speaker 1: know why you're dating and be open that if they're

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01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:20,600
Speaker 1: not open to it, they may walk away. And that's cool,

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01:04:20,720 --> 01:04:23,080
Speaker 1: especially for black men and women in this country. And

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01:04:23,960 --> 01:04:25,880
Speaker 1: from markets, I learned that we have a lot in common.

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01:04:26,240 --> 01:04:29,040
Speaker 1: But I did also learn that if my kids are

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01:04:29,120 --> 01:04:31,440
Speaker 1: not smart enough to go to college, I'm sending they

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01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:33,360
Speaker 1: asked to trade school so they can stop making money

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01:04:33,520 --> 01:04:36,040
Speaker 1: because I'm not gonna spend hundreds of thousands of dollars

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01:04:36,080 --> 01:04:40,840
Speaker 1: trying to send them to a university and basement. Yeah. People,

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01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:43,080
Speaker 1: they got all these degrees. It's like you can't eat

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01:04:43,120 --> 01:04:48,640
Speaker 1: that paper. I was poor until August and I went

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01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:56,880
Speaker 1: to grab fucking school. Y'all. Y'all are freaking amazing. I

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01:04:56,880 --> 01:05:00,120
Speaker 1: appreciate y'all. We gotta do this again. Be sure for

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01:05:00,320 --> 01:05:02,920
Speaker 1: everyone else. Make sure shout out your handles so everyone

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01:05:02,960 --> 01:05:05,440
Speaker 1: know where to follow you at. Brian Jordan Jr. That's

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01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:07,080
Speaker 1: b R, I A N j or d A and

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01:05:07,200 --> 01:05:10,080
Speaker 1: j R. All My social media handles are yam, cheeto,

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01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:13,280
Speaker 1: y E A, underscore, I am c h I d

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01:05:13,400 --> 01:05:16,440
Speaker 1: O chee doe. I am at Marcus ain on the

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01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:20,439
Speaker 1: Graham and at marcusing on the book because Marcus don't

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01:05:20,440 --> 01:05:22,200
Speaker 1: be on the ground board. But if you want to

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01:05:22,200 --> 01:05:24,240
Speaker 1: follow him checking my very smart brother. All these are

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01:05:24,240 --> 01:05:26,959
Speaker 1: my brothers. I appreciate you all. I love y'all. Listen,

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01:05:27,080 --> 01:05:29,120
Speaker 1: be sure to follow us on social media. That's I

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01:05:29,240 --> 01:05:31,400
Speaker 1: Am de vo, I A M D E V A

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01:05:31,720 --> 01:05:33,880
Speaker 1: L E. And Kaden I Am is not here, but

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01:05:34,000 --> 01:05:36,840
Speaker 1: follow her as well, and subscribe to dead Ass on Stitcher,

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01:05:36,920 --> 01:05:40,240
Speaker 1: Spotify or Apple podcast And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,

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01:05:40,480 --> 01:05:43,720
Speaker 1: be sure to rate and review. That's dead Ass, y'all.

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01:05:49,240 --> 01:05:52,000
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We are produced

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01:05:52,040 --> 01:05:56,360
Speaker 1: by Jackie Sogico and Dinor Pinion Allright. Executive producer t Square.

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01:05:56,480 --> 01:06:00,080
Speaker 1: Our associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Alright. You

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01:06:00,200 --> 01:06:03,960
Speaker 1: Content officer is Chris Bannon, our studio engineer and original

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01:06:04,040 --> 01:06:06,800
Speaker 1: music is by Brendan Burns and last but not least,

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01:06:06,880 --> 01:06:14,720
Speaker 1: we are mixed by Andy Kristen's We'll Back. I'm Drew

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01:06:14,800 --> 01:06:17,000
Speaker 1: McGarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going

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01:06:17,040 --> 01:06:19,160
Speaker 1: on right now. It's part of the stitchen netwere called

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01:06:19,360 --> 01:06:23,880
Speaker 1: Substraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,

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01:06:24,320 --> 01:06:27,000
Speaker 1: Apple Go. Listen right now to the Distraction, right now,

1300
01:06:27,040 --> 01:06:28,200
Speaker 1: it's out. Do it please,