1 00:00:01,480 --> 00:00:04,160 Speaker 1: My mind is on the line now, shopping for a 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,280 Speaker 1: prize I dread to obtain. I know better than the 3 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:11,560 Speaker 1: seek your poison. Yet this paradox I deeply crave. I've 4 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:15,440 Speaker 1: been likened to a child before my glutton for praise 5 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:18,479 Speaker 1: gives me away. I hate the need, and I'm a 6 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:22,920 Speaker 1: fiend for more. By No, I mustn't stay. My time's up. 7 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 1: I can't keep the space the weather boot. I feel beaten. 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: Still all the mud I tek through isn't enough, But 9 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,320 Speaker 1: I still feel hungry for another try. Despite the madness, 10 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 1: I can't give up. Am I true? 11 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 2: Hey? 12 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,360 Speaker 1: That pathetic? I cringe to think? Oh woe is me? 13 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:43,199 Speaker 1: The beggar, the loner, are dependent independent? How confused can 14 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,480 Speaker 1: one man be? Is there anything more to this reluctance? 15 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,240 Speaker 1: Or must I continue without a plan? Maybe another face 16 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: will answer and reveal where I stand. If not, then 17 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,000 Speaker 1: I'll wander, half man, half the mad. 18 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:07,480 Speaker 2: Mm. This is family therapy and I'm Elliott Connie. And 19 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 2: what you just heard was poetry. But it wasn't just poetry. 20 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 2: It was a young man trying to understand himself in 21 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,960 Speaker 2: real time, processing his thoughts, identifying his feelings, and using 22 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 2: art as a tool to express and reflect. Art is therapy. 23 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 2: Music is therapy. Writing is therapy because it allows us 24 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 2: to shape and create something from the overwhelming feelings we 25 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 2: have inside. When we can't articulate anxiety in a conversation, 26 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 2: sometimes we can write it when we can't explain in 27 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:46,560 Speaker 2: security directly. Sometimes it comes out in metaphor when we 28 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 2: don't yet know who we are becoming. Sometimes art becomes 29 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 2: the rehearsal space. And if you're listening right now, I 30 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 2: want you to think about this. What is your outlet? 31 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 2: Is it music? Is it journaling? Is it working out? 32 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 2: Is it painting? Is it building something with your hands? 33 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,839 Speaker 2: Is it prayer? Therapy doesn't only happen in a chair 34 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:15,240 Speaker 2: across from someone like me. It also happens when you 35 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 2: give your emotions somewhere safe to land. And Elijah is 36 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 2: accepting that writing is one of his tools. In today's session, 37 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:29,920 Speaker 2: him and I talked about insecurity, about identity, about the 38 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 2: tension between wanting validation and wanting independence, And you can 39 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 2: hear all of that in his poem. Let's examine some 40 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 2: of the lines in his. 41 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 1: Poetry, striving for a prize I dread to obtain. I 42 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,600 Speaker 1: know better than to seek your poison, the. 43 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:51,880 Speaker 2: Idea of wanting something, recognition, closeness, success, but fearing what 44 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 2: it might cost you emotionally. 45 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: My gutton for praise gives me away. I hate the need. 46 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,920 Speaker 1: Then I'm a fiend for more. Oh I mustn't stay. 47 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,400 Speaker 2: That's someone wrestling with the human need for affirmation and 48 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 2: judging himself for having it. Anxiety often grows when we 49 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 2: shame ourselves for normal things, especially when we didn't necessarily 50 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 2: grow up with the praise and support to make it comfortable. 51 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,559 Speaker 1: Oh woe is me? The beggar, the loner, a dependent independent. 52 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 1: How confused can one man be? 53 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 2: Now? That's powerful, There's nothing confusing about it, because most 54 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 2: of us live right there. We want autonomy, we want connection, 55 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 2: We want to stand alone. We want someone to stand 56 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,200 Speaker 2: with us. And this may be the most revealing line. 57 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: Maybe another face will answer and reveal where I stand. 58 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:50,280 Speaker 1: If not, then I'll wander, half man, half demand. 59 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 2: What I hear in? That is someone wondering if I 60 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 2: don't know who I am yet? Will I become what 61 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 2: others expect? Will I shape shift to survive? Will I 62 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:05,000 Speaker 2: guard myself so tightly that I lose the softer parts 63 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:10,440 Speaker 2: of me. That's where stoicism can become armor. That's where 64 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,480 Speaker 2: personas develop. And in this session you'll hear Elijah talk 65 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,919 Speaker 2: about presenting a more stoic version of himself publicly while 66 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:23,520 Speaker 2: privately longing to be more peaceful, more open, and more authentic. 67 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:28,719 Speaker 2: The poem wasn't just creative writing, it was diagnostic. It 68 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:33,479 Speaker 2: showed us the tension he lives with, craving connection, guarding 69 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:38,719 Speaker 2: against rejection, wanting praise, resenting the need for it, trying 70 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 2: to become independent without losing his humanity. And that's what 71 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 2: we explore today, not just his poetry, but the person 72 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 2: behind it. Let's get into it. What's been better since 73 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 2: we last talked. 74 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:57,920 Speaker 1: I'm getting back to the flow of things. School starting, 75 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 1: work is starting. Those parts of my life are starting again. 76 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 1: So I'm just working on that good deal. 77 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 2: No, no, it hasn't been that long since your list time. 78 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 2: So what's been going on. 79 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:13,279 Speaker 1: I've been trying to do things that we've talked about before, 80 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:20,280 Speaker 1: which is writing and being more mindful of how I speak, 81 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,040 Speaker 1: like where I put my energy with my words specifically. 82 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,640 Speaker 1: And then I also had a conversation with someone close 83 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: to me about my relationship with them. And the issues 84 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: in that relationship. So yeah, that's been it. Okay. Did 85 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 1: those conversations go, Well, the conversations were enlightening and it 86 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:49,960 Speaker 1: just made me, you know, it made me reflect on 87 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 1: how I'm supposed how I should interact with people, especially 88 00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:57,279 Speaker 1: interact with people. 89 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 2: So yeah, how you good interact with people? 90 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: How it should Yes, okay. So something that this person 91 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 1: said was that sometimes this person can be a bit 92 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 1: mean to me and they don't mean to, but it's 93 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 1: how they it's they. It's they have a form of 94 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,800 Speaker 1: tough love and they can be you know, a bit 95 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:30,680 Speaker 1: controlling and demeaning if you're not meaning up to their standards. 96 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 1: So and I tend to be like a somewhat sensitive 97 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 1: person and just like through the years of being around 98 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:46,960 Speaker 1: this person and other issues I've had with like members 99 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 1: of family, friends, other things that has made it so 100 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: like I am, like I have self esteem issues. And 101 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,160 Speaker 1: we talked about that and I said, why is it 102 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:03,280 Speaker 1: that like you get on me, or that I meet 103 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,479 Speaker 1: people like you that get on me like that? And 104 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 1: she said something that like she said that they can 105 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: smell that quote unquote smell that insecurity that I have. 106 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: And there is this instinctual part of them that just 107 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 1: latches onto that or takes advantage. 108 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:32,600 Speaker 2: Of that, And how did that impact you? 109 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 1: It makes me think that in terms of just that, 110 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,280 Speaker 1: I think this is just with anyone, but everyone has 111 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 1: their own agenda, their own perspective on things, and many 112 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 1: of times they will try to push that agenda onto you. 113 00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 1: And if you are what's it called, if you're not willing, 114 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,840 Speaker 1: if you're if you do not have the what's it called? 115 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 1: If you do not know how to navigate that like, 116 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 1: you can, in a sense a lot of times just 117 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: be at their mercy. And for me, it's how that 118 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,880 Speaker 1: impacts me. It's like, it's how I interact with people, 119 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: Like what sort of how much power do I have 120 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:25,120 Speaker 1: let this person have control over like the situation or 121 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:33,200 Speaker 1: how I'm feeling, or yeah, it the dynamics of our relationship, 122 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 1: whether it's like family, friends, lovers, strangers, acquaintances. That's how 123 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,960 Speaker 1: I feel and that's what I've observed. 124 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,720 Speaker 2: And that how do you want that dynamic to go? 125 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,720 Speaker 1: I think an important thing is what I rat like 126 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:55,200 Speaker 1: my name. For instance, normally I go by my first name. 127 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: I love my first name. It's unique and it has 128 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:03,439 Speaker 1: a nice backstory. But I prefer it if people who 129 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,920 Speaker 1: I don't know or who I'm not close with were 130 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,400 Speaker 1: not like who I don't consider my friends in my 131 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: close circle to call me by my first name and 132 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: said I'd rather than call me by my middle name, okay, 133 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 1: And that for me is creating a boundary that I 134 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 1: feel comfortable with and I'm not normally I just nowadays 135 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,440 Speaker 1: like I just go buy that middle name unless like 136 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 1: the people who actually know my first name say that. 137 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:39,720 Speaker 1: But it is mostly like just it's knowing that, Okay, 138 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,920 Speaker 1: this is the person that I present myself as. This 139 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,320 Speaker 1: is the type of behavior that you're going to get 140 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:51,560 Speaker 1: from me, because because I'm putting that not wall up, well, 141 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 1: it's not that I think it less as a less 142 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:59,120 Speaker 1: as a wall and more as a persona like and 143 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:06,760 Speaker 1: it's for me it's more like more not businesslike, but 144 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:12,280 Speaker 1: more not not not nonchalant either. It's more straightforward, more honest. 145 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 1: There's not as much like as much as like the 146 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:19,200 Speaker 1: playful side that I like that I show others. It's 147 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:23,960 Speaker 1: just more it's it called so wick you could say yeah. 148 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:28,920 Speaker 2: Elijah for me, every time we talk, it seems to 149 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,040 Speaker 2: me and let me know how you respond to this. 150 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 2: But every time you talk, it seems to me like 151 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:40,319 Speaker 2: you're on a journey of authenticity. What do you think 152 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 2: about that? Yeah? Okay? And and I mean like being 153 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 2: your true authentic self, whether other people like it or not. 154 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 2: Would you would you agree with that? 155 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:54,720 Speaker 1: Yes? 156 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 2: Okay? What's the next step for you? 157 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,959 Speaker 1: The next step? Well, what do you mean by. 158 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 2: Like, what's the next step towards your authenticity for you? 159 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:10,439 Speaker 1: For me, it's just creating a space that I don't have. 160 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,679 Speaker 1: I don't have to have that more still with PERSONA. 161 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: That's the most important thing for me right now because 162 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 1: if I can't make that space at the moment, I 163 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 1: think even fear, yes, that that part of me will 164 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 1: be you know, taking advantage of or hurt. And so 165 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:36,880 Speaker 1: that's why I tend to show this one side of 166 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:41,680 Speaker 1: me in the space I'm not like in just most 167 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,199 Speaker 1: hours of my life, right most hours of my life, 168 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 1: and then the other time during the private time of 169 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: my life where I'm not like at least right now, 170 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 1: it's like when I'm not around anyone, because I don't 171 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: really have like a lot of people who I show 172 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:03,720 Speaker 1: that more. I show that more playful side of myself 173 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,080 Speaker 1: or like non still excited myself. 174 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,000 Speaker 2: What would you call the non still excited yourself? You 175 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,240 Speaker 2: just said playful, But like, what would you what do 176 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,120 Speaker 2: you want to be instead of stoic? 177 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:16,920 Speaker 1: Well, it's not that I don't know yet, I don't 178 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,199 Speaker 1: have a few I don't have a way to describe it. 179 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,200 Speaker 1: It's just I guess we could just call it like 180 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 1: peaceful at the moment. 181 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,200 Speaker 2: Okay, so you want to be the peaceful version of 182 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,560 Speaker 2: you instead of the stoic version of you. 183 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 1: I think this poem that I have, it's like encapsulates 184 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,600 Speaker 1: the things that the type person that I don't want 185 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,120 Speaker 1: to be, Like that's why I'm playing the guard up 186 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 1: if so. 187 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:44,520 Speaker 2: The poem is about what you don't want to be. 188 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,679 Speaker 1: Yes, and the reason why I try to be more 189 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,239 Speaker 1: stoic in the public version of my personality. 190 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:57,840 Speaker 2: Do you often write poetry about how you're feeling? Yeah, 191 00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,600 Speaker 2: what was happening for you when you wrote that? 192 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,439 Speaker 1: During the summer, I went through like a bit of 193 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,240 Speaker 1: a hard time because like it's one it's a new place, 194 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,120 Speaker 1: I'm doing what I love. At the same time, like 195 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,960 Speaker 1: there are just so many strangers that I never get 196 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 1: a break from, Like any of them. I don't have 197 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: much privacy at all to myself, honestly, Like, at times 198 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 1: I felt that I was showing that more private side 199 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: of my personality, but at the same time, I felt 200 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 1: like I was getting nothing back in return, Like and 201 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 1: oftentimes I feel as if no matter how hard I 202 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:35,760 Speaker 1: try to be social, I still don't get that same 203 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:41,360 Speaker 1: Like I still don't get that the response that I'm 204 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: looking for back, And I guess, like yeah, and oftentimes, 205 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,959 Speaker 1: like I think that part of the issues that I 206 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,920 Speaker 1: am the problem, Like, for instance, there was like there's 207 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,440 Speaker 1: things I'm not willing to compromise for. So for instance, sleep, 208 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,600 Speaker 1: We oftentimes like when you were done with work, you 209 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 1: could go out with the others or just hang around 210 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:10,600 Speaker 1: this place with the others. And but for me, I'm like, 211 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,679 Speaker 1: I want to go to sleep because we got work 212 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,800 Speaker 1: tomorrow in the morning. Why am I trying to stay 213 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,440 Speaker 1: Why am I trying to stay up even longer? But 214 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:21,480 Speaker 1: if I didn't, I might have like actually made some 215 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,480 Speaker 1: stronger connections. But the thing is, like, I'm not that 216 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,200 Speaker 1: type of guy. I don't like staying up unless it's 217 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 1: like I'm already in my bed and I'm watching TV. 218 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: That's the most self deal, right, but it's that's not 219 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 1: the same here. And the thing is like when I 220 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,160 Speaker 1: felt like I was trying to be open, when I 221 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: was trying to be like close, it just felt like nothing. 222 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: And but I will say this, like there were friends 223 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: I made over there, of course, but you know, even 224 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,840 Speaker 1: when I thought I was trying to I was like 225 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 1: doing my best, like the moans who I like really 226 00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:01,240 Speaker 1: needed it, it just like it wasn't coming to me. 227 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 1: It was it like no, like no one really helped me. 228 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:09,320 Speaker 1: So except this one guy, well these two, these two people. 229 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,560 Speaker 1: But I went to them to ask for it. I 230 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:15,520 Speaker 1: was more like I instead I what I was wanting 231 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,840 Speaker 1: was instead of me always having to like put my 232 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 1: foot forward to do what get the connection, Like I 233 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,040 Speaker 1: wish someone would come towards me, because that's oftentimes what 234 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:27,320 Speaker 1: I do for others. Like there was this one person 235 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,240 Speaker 1: who was really upset. I didn't really know her. I 236 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,960 Speaker 1: didn't really talk to her like I saw her here 237 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:36,000 Speaker 1: and there. But when I saw she was upset, like I, 238 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 1: I generally like I wanted to have a conversation with 239 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: like a you okay, And we talked for a bit 240 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 1: and then I said like, if you need help, I'm 241 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:47,000 Speaker 1: ear and I left, And then when I saw her 242 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: at lunch, I asked her again, like you good, But 243 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,280 Speaker 1: it was just like I wish someone would do that 244 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 1: for me. But I think at the same time, it's 245 00:15:55,200 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 1: just like oftentimes I'm in my head, I am distracted 246 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,160 Speaker 1: or aloof or just socially awkward, and so as this 247 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,080 Speaker 1: is so part of the blame is on me. But 248 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 1: at the same time, it's just like I've always wondered, 249 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: like why can't I get that in returnity? 250 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:17,680 Speaker 2: Right, what would a poem be, like Elijah that was 251 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 2: about instead of who you don't want to be? What 252 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,600 Speaker 2: kind of poem would you write that was about who 253 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 2: you do want to be? 254 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 1: I think I'm actually trying to write that one now. 255 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,560 Speaker 1: I mostly just write poems about like what I'm like, 256 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,800 Speaker 1: not upset about, but like things I'm reflecting on. I 257 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 1: think right now, it's just like my ideal like self 258 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,800 Speaker 1: I would place in the poems, Like it's like when 259 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,760 Speaker 1: I know that I'm so one of the things I know, 260 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,240 Speaker 1: Like when I'm home, I think I told you like 261 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,520 Speaker 1: on the very first day, like I would have windows 262 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:54,240 Speaker 1: that wouldn't like be full of sunshine when I wake up. 263 00:16:55,240 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 1: And the reason why is because I've created because and 264 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:05,320 Speaker 1: mostly I think the most recent moments of my life, 265 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:09,439 Speaker 1: like the place I lived, they had no sun They 266 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 1: would get glimpses of sun from being in the back 267 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,400 Speaker 1: of the building, but not a lot of sunlight. And 268 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,480 Speaker 1: that always was a sign of depression for me, because 269 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:22,040 Speaker 1: I would just send these dark rooms and rot. Basically 270 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:27,199 Speaker 1: it rot. But if I were to be in a 271 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,920 Speaker 1: place that I made of my design, I would have 272 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 1: windows where I slept. And so the first thing that's 273 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,960 Speaker 1: waking me up, if it's not my alarm, it's the sun. 274 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,240 Speaker 2: Elijah. First of all, I love this, but can I 275 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,200 Speaker 2: tell you the one part that concerns me. Sure, I 276 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,159 Speaker 2: think it's so important that people, in this case, you 277 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,840 Speaker 2: learned to be your authentic self regardless of what's going 278 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:56,520 Speaker 2: on around you. The journey towards authenticity, Elijah, I think 279 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,959 Speaker 2: is one of the most important things that anyone could do. 280 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,160 Speaker 2: And you have to learn how to be your authentic 281 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,160 Speaker 2: self regardless of how the world around you responds to it. 282 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,240 Speaker 2: And you're saying so many really important things, But I 283 00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:12,440 Speaker 2: want to tell you the part that concerns me most 284 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,640 Speaker 2: if you. So, let's say you could buy a mini 285 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:21,440 Speaker 2: bus tomorrow, you'd be happy about that, right, Yeah? 286 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,040 Speaker 1: Well then I would thinking like, oh, well, how am 287 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,600 Speaker 1: I supposed to like fix this up for me to 288 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,439 Speaker 1: live in? I'm not exactly going to be sleeping on 289 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,720 Speaker 1: a on a chair like what's it called seat? Okay, 290 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:34,040 Speaker 1: so I'll even be better for you. Let's say you 291 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:37,320 Speaker 1: got like a custom built, ready to live in mini bus. 292 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:41,800 Speaker 2: Tomorrow, right, You'll be happy about that. Yeah? And then 293 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,920 Speaker 2: you go live in the mini bus and you're like, oh, 294 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:51,159 Speaker 2: I can't wait to wake up tomorrow by the sunlight 295 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:56,000 Speaker 2: coming in the windows, and Elijah, I love that. But 296 00:18:56,119 --> 00:18:58,840 Speaker 2: what if? What if when you wake up the next 297 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 2: day it's dark, gray and cloudy, should you be sad 298 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 2: because the sunlight didn't wake you up? Do you see 299 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,080 Speaker 2: what I'm saying? Like, I want you to be the 300 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:14,920 Speaker 2: best version of yourself, not dependent upon variables you can't control. 301 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,960 Speaker 2: And one variable you can't control is whether or not 302 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 2: the sun is shining on your face or not. 303 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:24,840 Speaker 1: It's the end result. What does having the minibus mean 304 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,359 Speaker 1: to me? Like the journey to get to that the 305 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:32,000 Speaker 1: minibus meant that I worked enough money to buy it. 306 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: I was independent enough to buy I didn't have to 307 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: rely on my parents. I designed it myself, meaning like 308 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,439 Speaker 1: I took the time to create something that I'm proud of. 309 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 1: I took the crime to create a home for myself. 310 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 1: The fact that there's a kitchen that I can cook, 311 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,880 Speaker 1: which is something that we all know I love to do. 312 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,720 Speaker 1: Instead of the minibus being it's more of just like 313 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 1: for me, the creation of this home is like just 314 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:04,879 Speaker 1: the entire journey of becoming like you could say, a 315 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,520 Speaker 1: man at that point, though I don't fully take stock 316 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:12,240 Speaker 1: of like that title, but it's the best way to describe. 317 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:17,480 Speaker 2: It, Okay, which I think that's great too. But then 318 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,879 Speaker 2: I'm thinking, when you're being your authentic self, Let's say 319 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,280 Speaker 2: you're being your authentic self before you get the minibus, 320 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:28,119 Speaker 2: when you when you check on your friend like hey 321 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,440 Speaker 2: you okay, and then you start wondering how come nobody 322 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,040 Speaker 2: checks on me like that? How do I get you 323 00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:36,720 Speaker 2: to not wonder that and just focus on the part 324 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 2: that you can control, which is how you show up. 325 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 1: Well, that's what I think is just creating that space 326 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,919 Speaker 1: where I can focus on where I don't need to 327 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 1: feel sad about that like my hobbies, drawing, writing, like animals, 328 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,720 Speaker 1: like those things that I have, I won't have to 329 00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:01,440 Speaker 1: worry about anyone my self esteem won't have to worry 330 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,399 Speaker 1: about anyone else. And that's why I say, like the 331 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:09,200 Speaker 1: part of me that people see in public, that is 332 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:15,439 Speaker 1: the side that that though like, that's the side that, 333 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 1: though it might help people like, it's also the one 334 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,960 Speaker 1: that's like guarding from what's inside my home or inside 335 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 1: that space. 336 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,240 Speaker 2: Here's more from my session with Elijah. What will you 337 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:37,639 Speaker 2: be attaching your self esteem to? Now? 338 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:45,840 Speaker 1: I think my efforts, my discipline, my creativity, the things 339 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:51,920 Speaker 1: that I can necessarily make, like it's called I think 340 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,320 Speaker 1: the things that I make I'll attach my self esteem to. 341 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:57,560 Speaker 2: And how would that be different? 342 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 1: What do you mean? How will that be different? What 343 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 1: do you mean by that question? 344 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,240 Speaker 2: How would that be different from what is happening now? 345 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:09,640 Speaker 1: It means I'm going somewhere like the creation of things 346 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,879 Speaker 1: is my self expression come to life or made form, 347 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,879 Speaker 1: you know, a drawing or a work of art, a 348 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 1: projects that now sits on my counter. Those things are 349 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:30,920 Speaker 1: time care, dedication. Those things that I can now do 350 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 1: shows that I've actually come how far the steps I've 351 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,960 Speaker 1: taken and that makes me feel like a sense of 352 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:44,840 Speaker 1: pride that no one can take away from me or 353 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,880 Speaker 1: nothing can drain from that, right. 354 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:49,880 Speaker 2: And you'd like that? 355 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 1: Yes? 356 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,639 Speaker 2: Okay? Who around you would notice that your self esteem 357 00:22:55,680 --> 00:23:01,080 Speaker 2: is now attached to your creativity moving forward? And what 358 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,760 Speaker 2: I love so much about that, Elijah, is you're now 359 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,120 Speaker 2: attaching yourself as the things that you control. Who else 360 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:07,800 Speaker 2: would notice that? 361 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:14,680 Speaker 1: My stepmom, my dad? I think that's about it. 362 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:16,480 Speaker 2: How would they see it? 363 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,679 Speaker 1: I don't think they would not unless they followed me 364 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,320 Speaker 1: on Instagram or something like that. But unless they walked 365 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: into my apartment and saw But they wouldn't mostly see it. 366 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,360 Speaker 2: What if they were following me on Instagram? What would 367 00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 2: they notice? 368 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,320 Speaker 1: They would just notice a lot of work and dedication 369 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:45,280 Speaker 1: place into the stuff I've done, like poetry videos I've 370 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:52,959 Speaker 1: made I plan on posting my poems with like cinematography projects. 371 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:57,679 Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, they would definitely be about it. 372 00:23:58,119 --> 00:23:59,840 Speaker 2: How would they let you know? How would your stepmom 373 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 2: and dad let you know they were happy about it? 374 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:07,399 Speaker 1: They probably think about themselves, or they might like or 375 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,400 Speaker 1: come over and give me all. Maybe I'm not sure. 376 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:15,440 Speaker 1: I'm not entirely sure. Usually when I am like, usually 377 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,240 Speaker 1: they don't follow me on anything, but when I do 378 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:24,000 Speaker 1: do projects, it's like I show them myself. But nowadays 379 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,400 Speaker 1: I'm just like, I'm gonna start like probably cutting back 380 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 1: on that because just they're not writers. Well, my stepmom 381 00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:33,680 Speaker 1: is a writer, but like she's not the type of 382 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,920 Speaker 1: writer I am. She's not, like I don't think she's 383 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:40,560 Speaker 1: fully eight. Like she's interested, of course, so listen, but 384 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:44,280 Speaker 1: she's not a she she doesn't know, and so she 385 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,200 Speaker 1: can't really get excited with me like that. My dad 386 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:51,199 Speaker 1: does and he's not, but that's because like he's I 387 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: think he he's not more invested, but he I guess 388 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,440 Speaker 1: you could say he takes more time than my stepmom does. 389 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,119 Speaker 1: And certainly in that area. 390 00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:03,800 Speaker 2: Where did you get this writing? 391 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:08,480 Speaker 1: Like so with the poetry before and third grade, we'd 392 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:12,040 Speaker 1: have an assignment every day to write a page of 393 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:16,040 Speaker 1: information or a page about something, and I would always 394 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:20,040 Speaker 1: write by animals and my dad, like every single day. 395 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,200 Speaker 1: And my dad at one point told me, no, you're 396 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,600 Speaker 1: not going to write by animals. You're gonna write You're 397 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,200 Speaker 1: gonna do something else, because it's at this point it's 398 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,679 Speaker 1: too old to be writing by animals, and then my 399 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,280 Speaker 1: dad forced me to write poetry, and I'm like, Dad, 400 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 1: I don't want to write poetry, like this is the 401 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 1: one time I'll be allowed to watch Naciographic and wild 402 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:41,600 Speaker 1: Grats in peace, like, let let me have my time. 403 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,919 Speaker 1: But no, he forced me, and I ended up like 404 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,600 Speaker 1: making a really bad poem on purpose because I'm like, 405 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,199 Speaker 1: you think you can force me to write that? No, 406 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: But now looking I'm like, I'm actually pretty good at it. 407 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,720 Speaker 1: But this is how writing really came into my life. 408 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:04,679 Speaker 1: So I was doing the SSATS for in ninth grade 409 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,280 Speaker 1: and when I like, it took like of course, like 410 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,840 Speaker 1: it took like an hour or two hours to complete it. 411 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: But when we got out of school, like my brain 412 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,360 Speaker 1: was fried and I did not want to go through 413 00:26:16,359 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 1: that again. So the very next day, when we had 414 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:21,480 Speaker 1: another SAT, I'm like, you know, screw this, I'm going 415 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,720 Speaker 1: to Starbucks. I'm gonna buy a I'm gonna buy a 416 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,720 Speaker 1: season of Avatar the Last Airbender and just binge watch 417 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,199 Speaker 1: that all day. I was like, you know what, I 418 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,960 Speaker 1: can do this too. I can write. I can write 419 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,879 Speaker 1: a story that people like. And that's how it started. 420 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,719 Speaker 2: Wow, when did you realize you were good at it. 421 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,879 Speaker 1: Well, I realized I was good. It was just something 422 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,840 Speaker 1: that I found like really fun and that I liked doing. 423 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,800 Speaker 1: I was working on this for like since ninth grade, 424 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:54,160 Speaker 1: so I was so what I was like sixteen, yeah, sixteen, 425 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,040 Speaker 1: so six years I was working on like an original story, 426 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,840 Speaker 1: and I was researching about like how do stories work, 427 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:05,040 Speaker 1: story structured characters, protagonists, antagonists, what makes a good world 428 00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:10,159 Speaker 1: that you're building because it's it's fiction, magic systems all that, 429 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,120 Speaker 1: And I was like, you know what, I really enjoy 430 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:14,800 Speaker 1: doing this. I want I just want to do more. 431 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,520 Speaker 1: So I think I've learned. I've learned that I was 432 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:22,479 Speaker 1: good at it. When I gave someone, when I showed 433 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: someone the idea of the story I made like a 434 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:28,000 Speaker 1: prototype of the story I would make the world was making. 435 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,160 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, this is act. They were like, Okay, 436 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:30,960 Speaker 1: this is really good. 437 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:37,080 Speaker 2: And going back to this authenticity and being creative and 438 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,919 Speaker 2: letting that be the thing that drives your self esteem. 439 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,359 Speaker 2: How different would that be from how you've been in 440 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,280 Speaker 2: the past? 441 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,160 Speaker 1: For me, different like with how the type of environment 442 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:50,200 Speaker 1: not just also the type of environment that I have 443 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 1: like in my room, my place of residence, but It's 444 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:58,040 Speaker 1: also like how I dress, like how I dress, what 445 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 1: I do like For instance, I feel like I need 446 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:07,720 Speaker 1: to be reading more, reading more like increasing, like reading 447 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,240 Speaker 1: does so much for the mind. I feel like I'm 448 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,280 Speaker 1: missing out on a lot of benefits from reading, especially 449 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,159 Speaker 1: as a writer, if I don't read at least thirty 450 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:22,119 Speaker 1: minutes every single day, and that is something that I'm doing. 451 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,600 Speaker 1: Like the way I'm behaving too, It's like I may 452 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 1: want to be an author, but the type of thing 453 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:31,359 Speaker 1: I want to do is graphic novels. I'm not a drawer, 454 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:35,600 Speaker 1: not yet at least, but I need to practice thirty 455 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,680 Speaker 1: minutes every single day if I want to get good 456 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 1: and me being the type of person like that needs 457 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,720 Speaker 1: to be disciplined enough to write every day, or to 458 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,320 Speaker 1: not just write but draw every single day. That shows 459 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:51,320 Speaker 1: I'm actually growing. 460 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:53,520 Speaker 2: Are you doing that every day now? 461 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:57,720 Speaker 1: Yeah? I've been like for the last like well, until 462 00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,840 Speaker 1: I actually went to camp, I was pretty much drawing 463 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: every single day. I've been working on the basics. I'm 464 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: even going like that's why I'm going to school for anyway, 465 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,680 Speaker 1: But like I'm really dedicating to trying every single day 466 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 1: and working on like to a point where like I might, yeah, 467 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,800 Speaker 1: partner with someone to make the graphic novel series, like 468 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,800 Speaker 1: for a little while, for a little bit, but once 469 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 1: I'm once, I'm there, I'm not relying on anyone else 470 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:24,040 Speaker 1: with me. 471 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:29,120 Speaker 2: How long have you been doing that? So every day thing? 472 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,880 Speaker 1: It's just been this week because I had to, Like, 473 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,200 Speaker 1: I can't count it every single day if I was 474 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,080 Speaker 1: gone for two months, but beforehand, I was doing it 475 00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:39,960 Speaker 1: for like three weeks. 476 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 2: Okay, so three weeks. Then now you're back on it? Yeah, 477 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 2: are you enjoying being back on it? 478 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,040 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm gonna be doing more our classes anyway, 479 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:56,880 Speaker 1: So I hope to like really improve there and make 480 00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:59,040 Speaker 1: something really really amazing. 481 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:02,920 Speaker 2: How if I were to ask you on a scale 482 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:09,280 Speaker 2: of zero to ten, ten being you're always your authentic 483 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:13,480 Speaker 2: self and zero is the opposite, you're as far away 484 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:16,600 Speaker 2: from being your authentic self as possible, Where would you 485 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:22,440 Speaker 2: say you are these days? Four? Maybe five? Okay? As 486 00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:29,800 Speaker 2: you go on and attach this creativity, your daily habits 487 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 2: of writing, reading and drawing and all the other things 488 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,320 Speaker 2: that we discussed, I want you to notice evidence that 489 00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:39,880 Speaker 2: you're moving up to Like today you said four maybe five, 490 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 2: But I want you to notice evidence that you're moving 491 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:47,400 Speaker 2: up to like five maybe six. Yeah. To be honest 492 00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,600 Speaker 2: with you, Elijah, this for me is a journey of 493 00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:55,320 Speaker 2: authenticity for you, even when other people and the things 494 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 2: around you don't give you the kind of response or 495 00:30:57,360 --> 00:30:58,760 Speaker 2: of feedback that you were hoping for. 496 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 1: Yeah. 497 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,120 Speaker 2: So I'm going to be the Elijah I want to be. 498 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:06,720 Speaker 2: I'm gonna write draw cook, I'm going to have a 499 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,960 Speaker 2: routine that I like and that serves me. And if 500 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 2: no one asked me about it, great, if no one 501 00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:15,160 Speaker 2: likes it, cool, But I'm going to do it because 502 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:15,760 Speaker 2: it's right for. 503 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,160 Speaker 1: Me, exactly. 504 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:19,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, all right, that's all I got. 505 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:22,600 Speaker 1: Okay, cool, I appreciate it. Talk. 506 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,960 Speaker 2: I appreciate it. To Elijah, I'm excited to see you 507 00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:31,840 Speaker 2: continue to turn into your authentic self. If you saw 508 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:35,160 Speaker 2: yourself in Elijah's poem, if you've ever felt like a 509 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:39,920 Speaker 2: dependent independent, if you've ever craved praise and then judge 510 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:43,480 Speaker 2: yourself for needing it, You're not less than you're human. 511 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:47,560 Speaker 2: Anxiety often grows when our self worth depends on variables 512 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 2: we can't control. Who checks on us, who compliments us, 513 00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:56,640 Speaker 2: who understands us, who notices what Elijah is learning, And 514 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,880 Speaker 2: what I hope you take from this is that it's 515 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:03,640 Speaker 2: okay to attach your self esteem to effort instead of outcome, 516 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,960 Speaker 2: to what you build, to what you practice, to how 517 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:12,280 Speaker 2: you show up When you feel that tension, that paradox 518 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:16,960 Speaker 2: of craving and resisting, try asking yourself if I acted 519 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,960 Speaker 2: from authenticity instead of fear, what would I do next? 520 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,080 Speaker 2: What small habit today would move me from a four 521 00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 2: to a five? What effort can I respect myself for 522 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:47,160 Speaker 2: even if no one else sees it. You don't have 523 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:50,520 Speaker 2: to solve your entire identity at once. Just notice the 524 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:54,920 Speaker 2: evidence that you're moving forward. That's how anxiety loosens its grip. 525 00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:59,040 Speaker 2: That's how authenticity grows, and that's how you stop wondering 526 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:03,520 Speaker 2: half man and start becoming whole. Tune in next week 527 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:16,240 Speaker 2: for our final episode of the season. I would love 528 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,320 Speaker 2: to hear from you about your healing journey, your family, 529 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,600 Speaker 2: and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect 530 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,959 Speaker 2: with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can 531 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,280 Speaker 2: also send me a text message to nine seven two 532 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:31,000 Speaker 2: four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is 533 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:34,760 Speaker 2: a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network. 534 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 2: Special Thanks to our assistant, Glendale Sepe. It's produced by 535 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,880 Speaker 2: Jack Queech Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S Fisham. 536 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,800 Speaker 2: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio 537 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 2: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The 538 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,280 Speaker 2: content presented on the Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for 539 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:55,200 Speaker 2: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a 540 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:58,080 Speaker 2: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does 541 00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:01,240 Speaker 2: not constitute a provider of patiently life. It is advisable 542 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,760 Speaker 2: to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for 543 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 2: any specific concerns or questions you may have. 544 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:06,600 Speaker 1: M