Speaker 1: I said this before and I'll say it again. All
Speaker 1: women need to have a hot girl something at some
Speaker 1: point in their life. Dead ask. I agree. Now the
Speaker 1: question is, can can you run me back on that
Speaker 1: hot girl something I'm supposed to have? Or is it
Speaker 1: too late? It depends if I have a hoochi daddy summer?
Speaker 1: You got the shorts? You're such a capital girl. Ye. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each
Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make
Speaker 1: you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this
Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennial married couple. That as to the
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say
Speaker 1: dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow
Speaker 1: to up to a whole new level. Dead ass starts
Speaker 1: right now. I'm gonna take us back to summertime two
Speaker 1: thousand and four. This was at the end of my
Speaker 1: junior year in college. Your senior year in college, Kadeina
Speaker 1: and I, as usual, were going through our typical ups
Speaker 1: and downs, ebbs and flows of relationships, right you love
Speaker 1: each other one day, hate each other next day. Right
Speaker 1: on top of that, Kadina and I had run into
Speaker 1: an issue with her mom where this is very well
Speaker 1: documented that Mimi was very very hard on me, and
Speaker 1: at this point I was deciding to not spend any
Speaker 1: time around her side of the family. So when we
Speaker 1: came back to Brooklyn in the summertime, it was just
Speaker 1: at my parents house and then she would go in
Speaker 1: time with her family. But I was at my parents
Speaker 1: house the whole time this summer. It was this is
Speaker 1: when I was in college, Brian was in college, and
Speaker 1: Terry was staying by the house. Shout out Terry Crenshaw.
Speaker 1: But um, this one summer particular, Kadina and I was
Speaker 1: arguing about everything and I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I think we need a break mhm. And Codin was like, fine,
Speaker 1: you want to break the viale, I'll give you a break.
Speaker 1: Because I was like, no, no no, no, Ain't, it's about
Speaker 1: what I want. Do you want to break? And she
Speaker 1: kept saying to me, why do you keep asking me
Speaker 1: if I want to break? And at that point I said, listen,
Speaker 1: if we're gonna do this thing, call forever. I want
Speaker 1: you to know for certain that you want to be
Speaker 1: with me forever. I think you need to take some
Speaker 1: time for yourself and make a decision of whether or
Speaker 1: not you want to be in this forever. Because we
Speaker 1: kept arguing about what we both wanted, but we couldn't
Speaker 1: get on the same page. And at this night, Kadin said, fine,
Speaker 1: let's take a break. I said, in my parents house.
Speaker 1: She slept at her parents house. Wake up the next morning.
Speaker 1: The Dean calls me immediately when she wakes up, and
Speaker 1: it's outside of my parents house. And we proceeded to
Speaker 1: spend the next summer the exact same way we spent
Speaker 1: the two summers prior together, and we've spent every summer
Speaker 1: since then just like that. You ain't none, but mama,
Speaker 1: you ain't none, but mama, you ain't none, but you
Speaker 1: ain't none, but you ain't none but mama? Who comes?
Speaker 1: Who knows what movie that's from? Does anybody I give you?
Speaker 1: If I don't know, you don't know, you don't remember
Speaker 1: what the song I just remember what well you could
Speaker 1: Dean Joseph right now. But Friday, it was a Friday, Yes,
Speaker 1: I know it was one of them. Come on, man,
Speaker 1: Friday belly. No, it wasn't juicing belly. Belly was a
Speaker 1: little bit late. It was Friday, Friday, alright, Friday, come on,
Speaker 1: you gotta know that. But before we take a break,
Speaker 1: I want to point this out. When they used to
Speaker 1: sing songs about hot girls summers, they would call them
Speaker 1: huti mama's. You ain't nothing but to get a webs bit, right,
Speaker 1: But now you got the hot girls talking about hot
Speaker 1: girls summers. And so let's discuss this. After we pay
Speaker 1: some of these bills. We'll be back. All right, we're back, Now,
Speaker 1: we're back. I feel like you know about I was
Speaker 1: robbed with my hot girls summer or whatever y'all want
Speaker 1: to call it. Now. Um, I was robbed with it,
Speaker 1: but not by you, per se. And I robbed myself
Speaker 1: because I definitely told you so'll do what you want
Speaker 1: to do. Yeah, you know, people say, you know I
Speaker 1: would be missed if I didn't what I feel remissed.
Speaker 1: This is one instance where I was just like, man,
Speaker 1: I could have used the good just just to see
Speaker 1: what it was like. You ain't the only thing what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, I mean from when I really think about
Speaker 1: my twenties. I spent a lot of my time in
Speaker 1: my twenties catering to you and vice versa, and because
Speaker 1: we thought that that's what we were supposed to do,
Speaker 1: right our parents warned us, though both of our moms
Speaker 1: warned us to say, hey, y'all get into this a
Speaker 1: little too early. And if we're being honest, it worked
Speaker 1: out for us, because I mean, we're still here, so
Speaker 1: there's no one way to find yourself in a happy
Speaker 1: relationships giving anomaly though, because I don't think this is well,
Speaker 1: there are some statistics that state that doing things the
Speaker 1: way we've done things produce an outcome that's more inclined
Speaker 1: to be successful in marriages, and we're gonna get to those.
Speaker 1: But before we get to those, I want to hear
Speaker 1: why you feel like you missed out on the hot
Speaker 1: girl something. Well, because I've never had that experience. Like
Speaker 1: I said, you know, going literally from my parents household
Speaker 1: to in essence, your household or whatever we were creating
Speaker 1: for ourselves together never really gave me the opportunity to
Speaker 1: do that and on those moments when we were not together,
Speaker 1: you know, whether it was for a week or for
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks. Um, I think my focus at
Speaker 1: the time was instead of being on myself and not
Speaker 1: just me being out there in these streets, but just
Speaker 1: me in general and Cadine as an individual and what
Speaker 1: do you want out of life and you know, what's
Speaker 1: gonna make you happy. I think I was more concerned
Speaker 1: with how to get back in your good graces, and
Speaker 1: that in turn just completely took my focus away from
Speaker 1: that in general. Um. But yeah, like if I think
Speaker 1: if we both had an opportunity just to just you know,
Speaker 1: go do our things, meet people day and and to me,
Speaker 1: it's not even just about sex. It's about just meeting people,
Speaker 1: going out juggling men for a little bit, you know,
Speaker 1: seeing personalities like that's something that we never had a
Speaker 1: chance to experience. So do you feel like you you
Speaker 1: missed out on it or do you feel this resentment
Speaker 1: towards me? Yeah, definitely, no resentment at all. But it's
Speaker 1: one of those things like if you could do life
Speaker 1: all over again, or if you could speak to your
Speaker 1: twenty year old self, what would you say. Um? And
Speaker 1: in those moments. That's definitely what definitely what it would
Speaker 1: have been is like, you know, go out there and
Speaker 1: just see what's out there. And then the crazy part
Speaker 1: is the people who are out there never want to
Speaker 1: be out there, just like, damn, there's nothing here. So
Speaker 1: that's what I was going to say, because my boys
Speaker 1: who are still saying today and some of them who
Speaker 1: did enjoy their twenties just live in life. Um, for me,
Speaker 1: it is fomo, right, or it was fomo because I
Speaker 1: never had that true bachelor pad life where I could
Speaker 1: just juggle women and not think about it because even
Speaker 1: on the times we have breaks when I entertained other women,
Speaker 1: in the back of my mind it was like, I
Speaker 1: can't go too far, do too much because I don't
Speaker 1: want to disrespect codeine. So I never had a chance
Speaker 1: to really go out there really, So even in those moments,
Speaker 1: you know, I do sometimes feel like, Dan, what would
Speaker 1: it have been? Like, you know, it's just fomo. But
Speaker 1: then I not boys who'll be like, you don't miss
Speaker 1: out on much because I was out there and it
Speaker 1: gets shallow and it feels good in the beginning, but
Speaker 1: then after a while it gets overally fast. Say the
Speaker 1: you know my female friends, who I speak to her
Speaker 1: in that boat or who maybe back in that boat
Speaker 1: now after a divorce, for example, Like you know they're
Speaker 1: just like man, you know they over here. It's nothing
Speaker 1: to be concerned about because there's just nothing here. But
Speaker 1: I want to speak to my fear and why. I
Speaker 1: know a lot of people gonna be like, yo, do
Speaker 1: why would you push your your girl to go out
Speaker 1: and have a hot girl somewhere? Right? Let me be clear,
Speaker 1: I never pushed codeine out. It was never that my
Speaker 1: biggest fear in life, right, because I don't like to
Speaker 1: be caged. If that's one thing you know about me,
Speaker 1: people say it's everything, or I don't. I don't know
Speaker 1: what it is. I don't like to feel like I
Speaker 1: have to be somewhere. It doesn't matter. If it's a relationship,
Speaker 1: it doesn't have a matter. If it's work, it doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: even if it's my kids. Right, if someone asked me
Speaker 1: to do something, For example, Jack said, hey, Dad, uh,
Speaker 1: don't forget to turn on the pool because we have
Speaker 1: so and so. Right, got you, bro, I'm gonna turn
Speaker 1: on the pool. Ten minutes later he goes, Dad, turned
Speaker 1: on the pool. Now I'm not doing it just because
Speaker 1: you told me you wanted me to do it in
Speaker 1: that moment. That it's not being petty, it's just I
Speaker 1: want to be able to make the choice for my being. Like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to ever feel an obligation to someone
Speaker 1: because I don't feel like we owe each other anything.
Speaker 1: We're supposed to choose whether or not we want to
Speaker 1: do life together. So I never wanted to grow up.
Speaker 1: And then midway through my midlife, my wife says, you
Speaker 1: know when I never really wanted all of this. I
Speaker 1: never got a chance to be by myself. I'm leaving
Speaker 1: because that happens to people, right. People go into life
Speaker 1: trying to emulate other people's lives, searching for happiness. Right.
Speaker 1: So it's like, wait a minute, if I do everything
Speaker 1: like that couple over there, I'm gonna be happy. And
Speaker 1: now you find yourself in your thirties, forties, sometimes fifty
Speaker 1: and say, wait a minute. I emulated everything I saw
Speaker 1: for someone else, and I'm not happy. I just realized
Speaker 1: I don't have to do this, and I'm gone. I
Speaker 1: never wanted to be married to someone and have that
Speaker 1: person say that to me, so in my mind was like, listen,
Speaker 1: I feel like a Dean is my future. I have
Speaker 1: to give her some space and latitude to be able
Speaker 1: to say no, I really just want to be with
Speaker 1: Devout because I want to be with Devout, not because
Speaker 1: he's selling me. I have to be here. So that
Speaker 1: was my whole purpose. Now I get that. I mean
Speaker 1: taking the obligation out of anything, I think makes you
Speaker 1: really decipher is this something that I want to do voluntarily?
Speaker 1: You know? Or not? Um? But yeah, this this Houcci
Speaker 1: Daddy short and hot girls summers. I feel like it's
Speaker 1: like the latest, the latest trend at least with is
Speaker 1: it just everyone? I don't know if it's a generational
Speaker 1: thing or if everybody is buying into it, if it's
Speaker 1: a social media hype um, But it seems to be
Speaker 1: for the single young people. And we just want to know,
Speaker 1: are these moments of debauchery an obstacle to a future marriage? Well,
Speaker 1: we can, we can talk a little bit about to
Speaker 1: a married future. We were talking about it from a
Speaker 1: woman and man's standpoint, and we were having this conversation
Speaker 1: with a bunch of friends who are and then women,
Speaker 1: and we were going through the timeline for men and women. Right,
Speaker 1: So just listen to this timeline. If you're a young
Speaker 1: woman and you're attracted by the a sixteen seventeen typically
Speaker 1: sixteen seventeen year old women, you see it now and
Speaker 1: you've seen it back then. Those young ladies were often
Speaker 1: looking at older men for attention. We all know that
Speaker 1: girl in high school that had the oldest picking her
Speaker 1: up outside and then you see junior senior year she
Speaker 1: having a baby or something like that. Yet, so we
Speaker 1: all in Brooklyn, we saw it all the time. All
Speaker 1: of the hot girls who were sixteen seventeen were getting
Speaker 1: attention from the twenty year old plus guys when we
Speaker 1: were in high school. But those sixteen and seventeen year
Speaker 1: old boys typically were left feeling like, there's nothing I
Speaker 1: can offer her, right there's There was a meme that
Speaker 1: was out a couple of weeks ago they said men
Speaker 1: are the only beings on earth that are not loved unconditionally.
Speaker 1: Right For for example, with children, you love unconditionally, you
Speaker 1: don't expect anything from him. A woman, if she's beautiful,
Speaker 1: you can love her, you know, unconditionally. But a man,
Speaker 1: no matter what he looks like, has to be able
Speaker 1: to provide something in order for someone to love him.
Speaker 1: I don't think so. I think women it can be
Speaker 1: very conditional with women. What yo, there is no woman
Speaker 1: on earth that's gonna just say I'm just gonna love
Speaker 1: a man with no ambition that just just sits at
Speaker 1: home and just loves on me. There's always but even
Speaker 1: vice versa. Is there a man that just wants to
Speaker 1: love a woman that's just at home doing nothing? Really?
Speaker 1: Trophy wives, that's yeah, that's under a condition though, because
Speaker 1: when it looks fade, then what what you doing then?
Speaker 1: But those conditions change depending on whoever is putting in
Speaker 1: for that wife, right, So a trophy wife to certain
Speaker 1: people looks different ways. So you don't have to look
Speaker 1: a certain way to be a trophy wife. There are
Speaker 1: women who are stay at home wives that some people,
Speaker 1: and you know them, say how does she get picked
Speaker 1: to be a trophy wife because she doesn't fit what
Speaker 1: you think is pretty? But someone does. How many trophy
Speaker 1: husbands do you see on planet Earth? Let's be honest,
Speaker 1: if we're gonna be dead as yeah, yeah, I worked
Speaker 1: for this, but you cute? That was that? You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I'm saying that to say that I
Speaker 1: feel like some women too can get away with. You know,
Speaker 1: people can't get away with certain things. You can, like,
Speaker 1: if the woman is going to be a stay at
Speaker 1: home woman, she has to look good. That's the condition
Speaker 1: under which she'll be able. But she only has to
Speaker 1: look good to that man. She doesn't have to look
Speaker 1: good to society. So what I'm saying is that if
Speaker 1: this person, you're making more of a general statement. This
Speaker 1: team was a general state, the mean was a general statement,
Speaker 1: and you know all general statements is like I always say,
Speaker 1: general statements, general statements is the devil's work because you
Speaker 1: can't put everyone under one umbrella. We always say that.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is, if you look at history, right,
Speaker 1: and everything we're talking about now has to be put
Speaker 1: in the context of history, there's no vacuum, which means
Speaker 1: there's always things around it, right, it came before and after, right.
Speaker 1: But when you look at women, for example, there's no
Speaker 1: condition that a woman has to be able to provide
Speaker 1: a lifestyle for a man in the content of history
Speaker 1: in order for her to be deemed enough to be
Speaker 1: a good enough wife. It just has to be that
Speaker 1: that woman has to be desirable enough for that man
Speaker 1: for him to say I want her. I mean, there's
Speaker 1: some women taking care of men because the hoochie daddy
Speaker 1: shorts of expose them they are, and then that's what's
Speaker 1: getting them by daddy shorts. But let me ask a question, though, seriously, though,
Speaker 1: how long does that last before women be like this
Speaker 1: bumask nigger sitting on my couch not doing nothing that happens.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. There's a condition at some point
Speaker 1: he has to be able to provide something or else
Speaker 1: he going he's providing something, all right, it's in the
Speaker 1: hoochie daddy short. But yeah, I get Do you get
Speaker 1: what I'm saying or you're just trying to deflect because
Speaker 1: you know that's what I'm doing. That's what you're doing,
Speaker 1: because you completely get what you're saying. I'm just saying
Speaker 1: that I feel like, like you said, it's a very
Speaker 1: general statement. So of course it's going to be a
Speaker 1: question to I was just playing Devil's advocate the same
Speaker 1: way you like to. And and and this is what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Imagine being seventeen or sixteen years old, right,
Speaker 1: and all the girls that you like seventeen like older men.
Speaker 1: So those young women spend most of their late teens
Speaker 1: early twenties, dealing with older men, dealing with older men issues, right,
Speaker 1: A lot of times they get dragged through the mud,
Speaker 1: right because those older men were pretty much using you
Speaker 1: for your youth. Right. But during those times, this is
Speaker 1: these are my huchi mama tims. These are my times
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a hot girl summers. You and your twenties,
Speaker 1: you live in your life because ultimately, when you're in
Speaker 1: that point in your life, you don't really have to
Speaker 1: provide anything to get attention from men. You just have
Speaker 1: to look good, right. Me and my boys talk about
Speaker 1: this all the time. When you get to a point
Speaker 1: as a man and you start asking women to go
Speaker 1: out on dates, they ask questions like where are we going,
Speaker 1: what are we eating, what are we drinking? You don't
Speaker 1: really ever ask a woman that when you're going out
Speaker 1: on dates, you know what I'm saying. So I want
Speaker 1: people to think about this. A woman has her time
Speaker 1: late teens, twenties, right, A man has to spend that
Speaker 1: time to do what build him self up to be
Speaker 1: what They're still figuring things out. Man particularly, I would
Speaker 1: say things probably hit for a man in his thirties,
Speaker 1: and that's the man who's been working at whatever it
Speaker 1: is he's been working at. I'm glad this is not
Speaker 1: even just some dude that just as existing. I'm glad
Speaker 1: this is somebody who is deliberate and diligent, and this
Speaker 1: is the man who's like, I'm taking all the necessary
Speaker 1: steps to be able to build whatever life it is
Speaker 1: I'm trying to build. So boom. Men in their twenties
Speaker 1: have their hucchie face sometimes and it's like they know
Speaker 1: some cougars who just want to get dick down. Right,
Speaker 1: Men don't have a problem feeling objectified. We don't, all right.
Speaker 1: I remember playing football and you be on campus and
Speaker 1: you walk around with no shirt on, your hucchie daddy shorts,
Speaker 1: girdles or great sweatpants and all the women has got
Speaker 1: everything to say. But as men, we don't have a
Speaker 1: problem with that because we don't mind being to embraced.
Speaker 1: The cat calls and absolutely, yeah, absolutely, And I've never
Speaker 1: in my life ever felt uncomfortable with being cat called
Speaker 1: by women. And you have to to stand. Like we
Speaker 1: talked about the context of history, there's a power dynamic,
Speaker 1: right if I, as a man, when close to two
Speaker 1: hundred pounds is getting cap called by a woman. The
Speaker 1: average height of a woman is about five five and
Speaker 1: twenty pounds. If she wants to get aggressive with me,
Speaker 1: I can defend myself. Right For a woman, it's not
Speaker 1: the same thing. If you are dressed a certain way
Speaker 1: and you come across some asshole who decides he wants
Speaker 1: to be aggressive, it's a little bit more intimidating. That's
Speaker 1: why the dynamic between hoochie mamas and hohochie daddies are different.
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong.
Speaker 1: We just explained the dynamic. But for for the young
Speaker 1: men who are living their twenties and there for that
Speaker 1: for that point, is just the hoochie daddy, right, who's
Speaker 1: gonna deliver dick to an older woman or a woman
Speaker 1: who got her life figured out just want to get
Speaker 1: banged out. Men don't mind doing that because we also
Speaker 1: in the back of our mind. Nos, there's gonna come
Speaker 1: a point in time when I get my finances in
Speaker 1: order and I get to be the one looking from
Speaker 1: my hoochie mama. And then is he doing that with
Speaker 1: a woman in his in her twenties that's the thing,
Speaker 1: or is he looking for somebody his age because I'm
Speaker 1: here in the struggle. Now is the thirty some things?
Speaker 1: Once you hit that age as a woman, thirty something,
Speaker 1: men ain't check it for you either. So now let's
Speaker 1: let's not And I'm glad you asked that question. It's
Speaker 1: perfect time and we're talking about ages right in our twenties.
Speaker 1: There's something that's very real, and it's called the biological clock.
Speaker 1: Women once they passed thirty and even more further past
Speaker 1: thirty five, it becomes more difficult to conceive, carry and
Speaker 1: deliver a baby healthily. You see what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: a lot of times what we're noticing is what happens
Speaker 1: is that women will have their time and their fun
Speaker 1: in their twenties where they can control the dynamic because
Speaker 1: they're young, they're beautiful, they want to have their fun.
Speaker 1: But now you get to thirty and you want someone
Speaker 1: to say, hey, I want her to be my wife.
Speaker 1: It takes time to get to know someone. But now
Speaker 1: you're asking men the same age, who is now thirty,
Speaker 1: who finally, at thirty may have reached the point where
Speaker 1: he can fully embrace his ability to have fun because
Speaker 1: now he has the resources to be a catch. Remember
Speaker 1: in your twenties, when you don't have anything, you're not
Speaker 1: really a catch, so you're not getting the opportunities that
Speaker 1: your female counterparts are because if you're younger in your twenties,
Speaker 1: you get all of these older men who have money,
Speaker 1: who have fame, who have power, who could say I
Speaker 1: want her. So you're feeling like, you know, oh, I
Speaker 1: got him to choose me as a man. When you're
Speaker 1: in your twenties, you don't have anything to offer, You're
Speaker 1: pretty much dealing with the leftovers. You see what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: Because those young women are searching for the dudes with
Speaker 1: all women who have it already. You're not the guy
Speaker 1: who has money. It's very few women who say I
Speaker 1: want to build with someone my age in their twenties,
Speaker 1: because both of you are still trying to figure things.
Speaker 1: That's what I was about to say. It seems like
Speaker 1: it just makes more sense to try to build with
Speaker 1: somebody younger. Though I feel like you and I at
Speaker 1: different points and have spoken to different people, have told
Speaker 1: them younger people than us when asking for advice or
Speaker 1: how do we make it work, or what we've been
Speaker 1: doing to, you know, get to the point we're at.
Speaker 1: We usually advise them not to stay together or be
Speaker 1: too serious too early, kind of like what our parents did.
Speaker 1: But it did work for us because we were able
Speaker 1: to grind together. And I think in that respect respect
Speaker 1: each other's hospital and each other's process to get to
Speaker 1: where we are today. But think about some of the
Speaker 1: flat that we catch right when we say we had
Speaker 1: say when we talk about we had a break island
Speaker 1: and then they could just go out and do whatever
Speaker 1: he wants to come back. Na, my chick can't go
Speaker 1: on no break and come back. Oh devouche did not
Speaker 1: that cannin just sticking around and get cheated on. Think
Speaker 1: about all the things that we have been through, that
Speaker 1: we've weathered, the storm that people criticize and criticized and
Speaker 1: crucify us for. Right, there's a lot of young people
Speaker 1: who are like, I don't want to go through that level.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go through that, So let me
Speaker 1: get everything out of my system. Because the truth of
Speaker 1: the matter is being a young person in today's society
Speaker 1: with the attention that young women are getting being over sexualized,
Speaker 1: and the attention that young men are getting for wearing
Speaker 1: quote unquote who she daddy shorts? Right, it's difficult to
Speaker 1: be twenty two and twenty two and you're both attractive
Speaker 1: and getting attention from all over the place, where all
Speaker 1: these options and stay committed to each other and give
Speaker 1: each other space. It's extremely difficult. It was difficult for
Speaker 1: us to do in the early right. And that was
Speaker 1: that was before what social media just became a thing.
Speaker 1: It was black planet. You know, Facebook just started, but
Speaker 1: there was no Instagram, and it was no quick swiping
Speaker 1: and no quick likes, like it didn't happen that fast.
Speaker 1: So what I'm realizing is that once these both these
Speaker 1: people get to their thirties, now a young lady is like, yo,
Speaker 1: I need to find someone because I want to have
Speaker 1: a baby before I turned thirty five. So her first
Speaker 1: thing is now she wants to date deliberately. And now
Speaker 1: you're trying to date young men who are in the
Speaker 1: early thirties who are like, wait a minute, I finally
Speaker 1: reached my point in the power dynamic. Why have money?
Speaker 1: So then it becomes a thing of well, he's immature,
Speaker 1: he's in his thirties. Shouldn't you want to do this?
Speaker 1: Shouldn't she want to do that? Now you're judging other
Speaker 1: people for the question that they're in in their life exactly,
Speaker 1: just like, are we even equipped to do that necessarily?
Speaker 1: That's I mean to be honest, that's that's really what's happening.
Speaker 1: Because we see a lot of thirty a lot of
Speaker 1: our friends who are thirty plus who are like, I'm
Speaker 1: ready to find somebody better, be ready to go. So
Speaker 1: now it's two months into dating and it's okay, so
Speaker 1: what are we doing. He's like, whoa, I just got
Speaker 1: to a place of financial security at thirty. You know,
Speaker 1: I finally got some money in my four one k
Speaker 1: I finally been able to own a nice apartment. Not
Speaker 1: not the apartment that you saw, but but a nice
Speaker 1: apartment with a view. I may want to enjoy the
Speaker 1: fruits of my labor for a couple of years. And
Speaker 1: now she's just like, well, I'm not going to hang
Speaker 1: around for it. Now she's jumping from guy to guy
Speaker 1: waiting for someone to say I want to take you on,
Speaker 1: and she starts with her thirties too. But those early
Speaker 1: thirties men are like, I'm not ready right now. I
Speaker 1: want to spend some time in my thirties enjoying life
Speaker 1: like you enjoyed your life when you were in your twenties,
Speaker 1: going on trips with ball players, going on. Think about it.
Speaker 1: Think about all the girls you knew you bowl or
Speaker 1: going all to the events, getting flown here and phone here.
Speaker 1: Now he's in a place in his early thirties. Well,
Speaker 1: he wants to do some of the flying out. He
Speaker 1: wants to get some young girls and have fun. And
Speaker 1: now the girls in his age bracket are saying, you
Speaker 1: acting immature. No, ma, he's doing to the young girls
Speaker 1: what you were getting done to you by the older
Speaker 1: gentleman when you were in your twenties, and that vicious
Speaker 1: cycle together though, think about it. The thirties can't get
Speaker 1: it together. And all the women are saying the men
Speaker 1: and their thirties and immature. All of the men and
Speaker 1: their thirties are saying, now you just want me to
Speaker 1: do things on your time. Then you become thirty five,
Speaker 1: then you become thirties. Six thirties is a very awkward
Speaker 1: place now that I look at it, here's the crazy part, right,
Speaker 1: crazy awkward, y'all. We got men right in their late thirties.
Speaker 1: Some of my friends saying to me, now you know
Speaker 1: this ship is whack. What he's like, yo, man trying
Speaker 1: to catch some of the young girls is like trying
Speaker 1: to catch trying to play whack a mole. They just
Speaker 1: be popping up, and did you know you find yourself
Speaker 1: trying to compete with another dude who may got more
Speaker 1: money than you in that moment, so you had your
Speaker 1: eyes on this one girl, but now he runs, Oh
Speaker 1: she runs over there, and they're now just saying to me,
Speaker 1: like a shallow man, I'm trying to find a real girl.
Speaker 1: So imagine the data scene though you're right, you're walk
Speaker 1: into a club where you're walk into an environment and
Speaker 1: then it's just like, okay, so now there's a sizing
Speaker 1: up that must happen. First, Let's see who's doing what,
Speaker 1: who may have what? Is it even genuine really interactions
Speaker 1: happening at this point or are they happening after we've
Speaker 1: trying to kind of sculped out the scene to see
Speaker 1: who may potentially have what. Listening to my single friends,
Speaker 1: both male and female, everybody comes in with a calculator
Speaker 1: in their mind that they've already sized people up. For example,
Speaker 1: one of my boys, right says, he goes into a club,
Speaker 1: he can look at the girls right and be like, okay,
Speaker 1: she looks really young. This is her first time out
Speaker 1: in the streets. She's gonna be looking for the trade songs,
Speaker 1: the Drake's, Chris Brown's. She's I'm gonna give for about
Speaker 1: three or four years to get, you know, go through
Speaker 1: that hot girl some. But then when she about seven,
Speaker 1: she'll be back down to the guys who you know,
Speaker 1: work on Wall Street or may have a good six
Speaker 1: figure job. Once she realized she's not gonna get chose
Speaker 1: by the people who she admired the most, that's when
Speaker 1: she'll come back. But then she says, like, then you
Speaker 1: have the five year old crowd where you know, let's
Speaker 1: go on a date. So then the minute we sit
Speaker 1: down and go on a date, some of these women
Speaker 1: are like, how much money you got you for one k?
Speaker 1: What's your five year plan? How many kids you want
Speaker 1: to have? They want to know how long and how
Speaker 1: long do you think you should date someone before you
Speaker 1: get engaged, And they're asking follow up questions that their
Speaker 1: therapist told them they should ask somebody. Okay, so now
Speaker 1: we're having a mini therapy session now because we are
Speaker 1: going to therapy and we're aware of what we like
Speaker 1: and we don't like, and we want to know what
Speaker 1: we're attracting, so and that the therapizing people. That group
Speaker 1: right now is very critical of each other because here's
Speaker 1: the reality. When you become thirty five and you're in
Speaker 1: a rush to have kids, if you're a young woman,
Speaker 1: you can't put everyone else on your timeline because now
Speaker 1: you have goals for yourself. You want to get done
Speaker 1: before a certain age. You see what I'm saying, it's
Speaker 1: hard to meet someone and say, look, I'm thirty five,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to have a baby by next year, so
Speaker 1: what's up? What are we doing? Most men are not
Speaker 1: going to respond well to that. You understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And if you're a man in thirty five and you're
Speaker 1: trying to date women, you have to be open to
Speaker 1: the fact that what she's dealing with is very real.
Speaker 1: A woman at that age doesn't have time to sit
Speaker 1: down and let you figure it out for five to
Speaker 1: ten years. It's unfair. So if you're dating deliberately with
Speaker 1: women your age, understand what they're coming to the table
Speaker 1: four before you even sit down with this woman and
Speaker 1: take her time off. So I'm wondering now if it
Speaker 1: really makes sense. For example, dating apps right, I'm thinking
Speaker 1: about chopping for an outfit, I go to a particular
Speaker 1: the website. I know that I want something in a
Speaker 1: certain color family. Am I going to look through the
Speaker 1: entire catalog of dresses? Or am I going to filter
Speaker 1: the search for what exactly is I'm looking forward to
Speaker 1: at least narrow it a bit. So with the dating app,
Speaker 1: for example, we have all these different ones out there.
Speaker 1: I don't even know the names of them, because I
Speaker 1: don't I'm not dating, But I know that there are
Speaker 1: certain ones that are designed for certain people looking for
Speaker 1: specific things. So, for example, I've heard that there's an
Speaker 1: app for people who are i think either separated, newly divorced,
Speaker 1: or going through a divorce. So you can meet people
Speaker 1: within that same bubble that you're in and then filter accordingly,
Speaker 1: knowing at least I'm starting with someone, Yeah, I'm starting
Speaker 1: with someone who at least is on the same platform
Speaker 1: as me for the same reason. So that, to me,
Speaker 1: I think makes the most sense. I think it gets
Speaker 1: a little bit hairier when you're like out in public
Speaker 1: at an event or at the club or whatever, and
Speaker 1: then it's just like you don't know what's going through
Speaker 1: people's minds. But I can see more and more now
Speaker 1: why people are leaning on dating apps and see why
Speaker 1: people enjoy that. We just had a couple of recently
Speaker 1: and they met on a dating app. And I didn't
Speaker 1: ask the actual app, but it was just like they
Speaker 1: already had so many things in common that it filtered
Speaker 1: and then here they are. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1: But I mean, if you, if you think about that,
Speaker 1: it makes the most sense. Imagine imagine being a man
Speaker 1: or a woman, and you you go into a bar.
Speaker 1: First of all, where do you meet people nowadays? Right?
Speaker 1: Like that's the big question. Everyone is working so much.
Speaker 1: Where do you meet people? Is it at church? Is
Speaker 1: it at the bar? Is that family function of the pandemic? Right?
Speaker 1: So you meet someone, you don't know how old this
Speaker 1: person is, You don't know what their ideals are you,
Speaker 1: but but you know that you're on a time crunch, right,
Speaker 1: You'd rather have something filtered already, so I know if
Speaker 1: if this person is on my profile, if I matched
Speaker 1: with them, all of these things have already been decided.
Speaker 1: We don't have to waste each other's time trying to
Speaker 1: figure that out. That's what it makes the most sense.
Speaker 1: The other issue there is you don't know if people
Speaker 1: are being honest on these apps. You don't know if
Speaker 1: you're being catfished. There's there's so many different variables. But
Speaker 1: the most important thing is I think we as people
Speaker 1: have to start understanding these dynamics that are happening and
Speaker 1: stop just putting blanket statements on people without understanding where
Speaker 1: we are as people. For example, men, I can't deal
Speaker 1: with a woman in her thirties because they just being
Speaker 1: a rush to do everything. You have to understand why, right,
Speaker 1: our bodies don't change much. We don't go through periods,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. We don't have phallopian tumbs
Speaker 1: and eggs. There aren't doctors telling us we need to
Speaker 1: have a baby about thirty five or else. Our chances
Speaker 1: are gonna diminish, uh increase greatly. So you have to
Speaker 1: understand what a woman is coming through coming to the
Speaker 1: dating world with if you're looking for that, and I
Speaker 1: always say if you're looking for that, because there's also
Speaker 1: a contingent of people out there who are just out
Speaker 1: there to have fun, which is perfectly fine, and you
Speaker 1: can't get upset if you're trying to date deliberately and
Speaker 1: that person just wants to have fun, and you keep
Speaker 1: entertaining that person just wants to have fun and then
Speaker 1: being upset because that person doesn't want to date deliberately.
Speaker 1: That's not that person's fault. We've seen that time and
Speaker 1: time again. Oh man, it always starts off cute. Oh,
Speaker 1: it's just fun. We're having a good time. That somebody
Speaker 1: feelings getting in the way, and the other person is saying,
Speaker 1: but I was specific, I was honest, and I said
Speaker 1: what I wanted and I said what I was looking
Speaker 1: for is not this, and then feelings get hurt. And
Speaker 1: the thing is it goes both ways. I've seen it
Speaker 1: a couple of my friends who are older gentlemen who
Speaker 1: now exists in the space where they're they're part of
Speaker 1: the pick right when when people walk in a club
Speaker 1: of walking somewhere, they can tell, oh, he has money,
Speaker 1: Oh he has some sort of power. So now they're
Speaker 1: getting access to different levels of women that they didn't
Speaker 1: get access to before, and they try to choose one.
Speaker 1: But these young women are living on a different plane
Speaker 1: right there, and the midsweies. Some of them making money,
Speaker 1: some of them aren't. But they're like, yo, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to have fun. You are one of four or five
Speaker 1: dudes I'm talking to, and some of my boys got
Speaker 1: their feelings hurt, like yo, I thought I had and
Speaker 1: she chose to They said, she chose the streets. He
Speaker 1: was runner up, and no, no, not even not even no, no, no,
Speaker 1: not even they chose to be with someone else. They
Speaker 1: chose to continue to be alone in themselves so that
Speaker 1: they can enjoy. So he was trying to lock it down.
Speaker 1: She was just like, not so much, because now he's
Speaker 1: at the point where it's boring now chasing all these
Speaker 1: young girls. I want to get me a young girl
Speaker 1: that I can settle down with. And sometimes you try
Speaker 1: to find one of these young girls to settle down
Speaker 1: with and they're like yeah, shout like that's that's the
Speaker 1: thing that was. Imagine speaking to someone who you went
Speaker 1: to college with, who was younger than you, who is
Speaker 1: thirty five, right, and having them tell you that one
Speaker 1: of the young girls he talks to calls him grandpa.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, dude, I'm older than you, and she
Speaker 1: calls you grandpa. He's like, yeah, I'm grandpa. Because I
Speaker 1: don't be wanting to go from club to club. I
Speaker 1: like to stay in one area, and I said, I'm like, yo, damn,
Speaker 1: your age showing itself and I'm like, what what age
Speaker 1: are you trying? What girls age? He said? His rule is,
Speaker 1: His rule is he doesn't go for a girl that
Speaker 1: would still be in grad school, so she has to
Speaker 1: at least be twenty three. The Jordan year is the
Speaker 1: is the year. It has to start there to at
Speaker 1: least three. So he's like, right now is too freshly legal?
Speaker 1: He said, he won't even look at a girl. He
Speaker 1: says she has to at least be twenty three and
Speaker 1: not the potential to be her daughter or god daughter.
Speaker 1: I'm sure, yeah, like no, no, it's just just no,
Speaker 1: it's just she has to be twenty three, he says.
Speaker 1: Right now, he's going between twenty three and twenty eight.
Speaker 1: He's giving it a five year span because that's enough
Speaker 1: time to at least have some experience, but not long
Speaker 1: enough to be jaded by the world that you just
Speaker 1: hate every man that comes in front of you next.
Speaker 1: But he's okay with just being used for meals and
Speaker 1: a good time too, because so it's ironically, is he
Speaker 1: just enjoying the company at this point? Well, ironically, he
Speaker 1: said he has a budget. He's like, this is my
Speaker 1: tricking leg that he said, because I get stuff out
Speaker 1: of it too. She wanted meal, I want to smash,
Speaker 1: So she get a meal. I get to smash. And
Speaker 1: for the first couple of years it was fun until
Speaker 1: it became monotonous, like it's the same thing. It's like
Speaker 1: he's been with a lot of women, a lot of
Speaker 1: different type of women. He's just like, there's nothing more.
Speaker 1: He's like, He's like, he gets to a point. Now
Speaker 1: he meets a woman within five minutes, he knows exactly
Speaker 1: where it's going to go. But he got his he
Speaker 1: got his feelings hurt because he thought that once he
Speaker 1: was able to provide a certain lifestyle that women say
Speaker 1: they want, once he presented that opportunity to a young lady,
Speaker 1: she would automatically be like yes. And then he asked
Speaker 1: a young lady like, yo, you're trying to go exclusive
Speaker 1: and she was just like, no, not really, I'm having
Speaker 1: too much fun. And I was just like yo. She
Speaker 1: taught dating someone else who was a little bit more.
Speaker 1: He's like, bro, she's just wants to be out there.
Speaker 1: She makes her own money, she's attractive, she gets attention
Speaker 1: from all different types of guys and she doesn't want
Speaker 1: to be and he's like, you got He's like, I
Speaker 1: got my feelings her because I actually really liked her.
Speaker 1: But here's my question for you. What happens when that
Speaker 1: young lady is enjoying her time and become stun where
Speaker 1: this is going becomes thirty now right, and now she's
Speaker 1: starting like, you know what, I had my fun right now,
Speaker 1: I want to meet somebody. And she goes to another
Speaker 1: thirty old man and he's just like, wait a minute, now,
Speaker 1: I want to have my fun because grandpa, you think
Speaker 1: she should go back to call the grandpa called Grandpa
Speaker 1: backs this. Maybe he might still be available. You never know,
Speaker 1: because at that point, what is she gonna do? Now?
Speaker 1: Try to force the guy that's within her age range.
Speaker 1: Now what's happening out here to settle down. That's the
Speaker 1: sure as five way to not be with somebody and
Speaker 1: find yourself crazy crazy. All she want to do is
Speaker 1: lot me down or now, but you know, no, I
Speaker 1: give it. Then it becomes a thing of desperation. It's like, okay,
Speaker 1: get happening. Both sides. Both sides are playing playing a
Speaker 1: very dangerous game that could end up in loneliness because
Speaker 1: they're trying to put you know, they're trying to find
Speaker 1: happiness in this fleeting, this fleeting feeling of happiness in
Speaker 1: the streets, in the streets, and this is what I think.
Speaker 1: I think you should have a hot girl somewhere too.
Speaker 1: But when you prolong the hot girl summer and think
Speaker 1: that that life is going to wait for you to
Speaker 1: be ready, that's when you find yourself in a predicament.
Speaker 1: And it's not only for women woman too, but it
Speaker 1: does happen more to women because once you get past
Speaker 1: certain age and you you're worried about trying to have children, desire,
Speaker 1: and I think that's ultimately what it's. It's it's sent
Speaker 1: you around. Yeah, so that biological clock thing is actually
Speaker 1: a very very it's very real. It's very very real. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's We have some stats and facts here, and this
Speaker 1: one is kind of a little bit different and kind
Speaker 1: of switches gears with the conversation a bit um, but
Speaker 1: it is UM from the Institute for Family Studies Nicholas
Speaker 1: Wolfinger Um he's a sociologist at the University of Utah,
Speaker 1: found that Americans who have only ever slept with their
Speaker 1: spouses are most likely to report being in a very
Speaker 1: happy marriage. So that if you've only had that one partner,
Speaker 1: I don't know if there's many people in life left.
Speaker 1: I'm about to say, when when were these folks at
Speaker 1: the lowest odds of marital happiness about points lower than
Speaker 1: the ones that one partner woman belong to the women
Speaker 1: who have had sex with six to ten sexual partners
Speaker 1: in their lives. For men, they're still a dip and
Speaker 1: marital satisfaction after one partner, but it's never as low
Speaker 1: as it gets for women. So if you out there
Speaker 1: haven't too many hot girls somes this bro, But is
Speaker 1: it because there's more to compare to? That's now? Now?
Speaker 1: Do you sort of mean that I sent you with
Speaker 1: the story telling? The woman was telling the story about
Speaker 1: on every floor there was there was a man. Right,
Speaker 1: So there's a department store when you can get a
Speaker 1: husband on first floor, you find a husband who's financially stable, right,
Speaker 1: And every time you go up in floors you get
Speaker 1: something new. But if you decide that you don't want
Speaker 1: what's new, you can't go back down. M hm. So
Speaker 1: there was five floors, No, no, you're not losing something
Speaker 1: SAPs on the first floor, she meets a man who's
Speaker 1: financially stable. Right, so she says, this is great, but
Speaker 1: I want to see what's on the next floor. On
Speaker 1: the second floor, she gets a man that's financially stable
Speaker 1: and he's romantic. He's like and romantic. I just gotta
Speaker 1: see what's on the third floor. On the third floor,
Speaker 1: she gets a man who's financially stable, romantic, and god fearing. Wow. Okay,
Speaker 1: so that he has everything, but I gotta see what's
Speaker 1: on the fourth floor. Gets to the fourth floor as
Speaker 1: a man who's financially stable, god fearing, um, supporter of
Speaker 1: his wife, and loves kids. So it's like, this man
Speaker 1: has everything, but I gotta see what's on the fifth floor.
Speaker 1: They get to the fifth floor and there's three billion
Speaker 1: women and the sign that says this floor proves that
Speaker 1: no matter how good of a man you are, a
Speaker 1: woman is never satisfied. And there was a woman telling
Speaker 1: this to a groupful of women. They were all laughing,
Speaker 1: but they were all shaking their heads because no matter
Speaker 1: what in life, they're always going to be looking for
Speaker 1: the next best. But is that man or woman? I
Speaker 1: think that's anybody know. I don't think men are necessarily
Speaker 1: quick to just say, yeah, I'm satisfied because she looks good,
Speaker 1: she can cook, she can clean, she has a job.
Speaker 1: I think you can't can else. I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: think you can put a generalization over all people ever.
Speaker 1: But there's always truth in jest. And when people talk
Speaker 1: about the nagging wife who's always complaining and the husband
Speaker 1: who's always trying to work hard to make sure that
Speaker 1: their wife is happy, but he never finds way to
Speaker 1: make her happy, there has to be some truth in
Speaker 1: that for it to be a running joke. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, because you hear so many women saying
Speaker 1: my mom was my husband simple? All he wanted to
Speaker 1: do is this all the time? I don't need it,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Like, think about our parents,
Speaker 1: Think about your mom and dad, Think about my mom
Speaker 1: and dad. Right, my father be chilling, your pos be chilling. Right,
Speaker 1: Your mom always wants what more, bigger, grander. My mom
Speaker 1: want to go places, want to try, but want to
Speaker 1: do this. Your fathers want to sit there. There has
Speaker 1: to be some truth in the fact that it's very
Speaker 1: difficult to please. Because on the converse side of things,
Speaker 1: if you ask our dads, They've tried this, they've tried that,
Speaker 1: you've done that, and she still ain't happy. So I
Speaker 1: clocked out. Ask a woman what she want to eat?
Speaker 1: Can we go to the restaurant? It takes you forever
Speaker 1: to pick something me while I go in there and
Speaker 1: what I know what I want. I'm gonna get that boom.
Speaker 1: That's the same thing I got last time. I'm good
Speaker 1: with that boom, But you like you get the same
Speaker 1: thing all the time, lady, because I like it as
Speaker 1: I'm not supposed to like what I like. But you
Speaker 1: don't try anything now. But in my defense, I'll be like,
Speaker 1: how about I get this, you get that and we share. Okay,
Speaker 1: that works. But there's also us going shopping and I
Speaker 1: know exactly what I want and I go in and
Speaker 1: get it. Baby, I need options. Only expect me to
Speaker 1: walk into one store and pick up the first thing
Speaker 1: I've seen and be done with it. No, no, Now,
Speaker 1: we're gonna shop on every rack, every possibility. I might
Speaker 1: buy the whole store. I might return half of it,
Speaker 1: but at least I had. But I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: it's active for everyone because I hate generalizations. But I mean,
Speaker 1: there has to be something to the fact that women
Speaker 1: are a lot more difficult to please because women like options.
Speaker 1: Women want to see. So if you have a woman
Speaker 1: who's been with six to ten men and she's constantly
Speaker 1: comparing one to another. How many times have we had
Speaker 1: friends who wives have said to their husband's, how come
Speaker 1: you don't act like mom? It's very rare. We've heard
Speaker 1: a man say that to their wife. Have to think
Speaker 1: about it, but we've heard that. We've heard the former
Speaker 1: a lot. So as a woman, you can tell me
Speaker 1: maybe if you have more partners, maybe it's more difficult
Speaker 1: for you to figure out what you like because you've
Speaker 1: experienced more. Maybe that's the problem. I don't know, because
Speaker 1: I'm not a woman, you know what I'm saying. I
Speaker 1: think that might be part of it. I think for
Speaker 1: anybody though, because men to what you think about it?
Speaker 1: For example, Well now I'm just saying, for example, think
Speaker 1: about for a man, you are sleeping with a bunch
Speaker 1: of different women, right you finally settle down, you marry
Speaker 1: your wife. Do you have an instance where you think, damn,
Speaker 1: my wife is great, but she ain't doing it like
Speaker 1: such and such did it? Or then you then you
Speaker 1: rank women in terms of like who did this? Because
Speaker 1: women do it all the time. Absolutely, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I'll be very honest in my little group
Speaker 1: chats and stuff like that. It's just like, yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: this one was good for that. This one was good
Speaker 1: for the pickup and the drop down and the wrestling moves.
Speaker 1: He was good at giving head like there was. People
Speaker 1: are good for different things. So is it just that
Speaker 1: you have more people to compare it to and that
Speaker 1: creates the unhappiness because it's a longing for something that
Speaker 1: your spouse may not be doing. I think it comes
Speaker 1: down to settling, right. If you choose to settle down
Speaker 1: with someone that doesn't meet your standard, you can't blame
Speaker 1: that person. You settled your dumbass down. Nobody forced you
Speaker 1: to settle down, right. So, if you have standards for yourself,
Speaker 1: and this is just this is really not even about
Speaker 1: this topic, but this is about life in general. If
Speaker 1: you have standards that you have for yourself that you say,
Speaker 1: I want these things out of life. I want my
Speaker 1: partner to have these things. But then you decide to
Speaker 1: settle for someone who hasn't met your standards for whatever reason.
Speaker 1: May it could be biological clock, it could be finances,
Speaker 1: it could be time, it could be society. You now
Speaker 1: have to deal with the fact that that person doesn't
Speaker 1: meet your standards. You can't blame that person for not
Speaker 1: meeting with your standard, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: my thing is, if you have a bunch of options
Speaker 1: and you have things to choose from, it's in your
Speaker 1: best interests to either tell the person you want to
Speaker 1: spend the rest of your life with that these are
Speaker 1: all of the things that I like. Can you meet
Speaker 1: me here or say I'm sorry. I have to find
Speaker 1: someone who is willing to do all of these things.
Speaker 1: And that's where you and I have done. We sat
Speaker 1: down and said these are all the things that I want,
Speaker 1: right and we've asked each other what do you need?
Speaker 1: And I've said, okay, if these are things you need,
Speaker 1: I'm going to work my tail off to provide that
Speaker 1: so that I can be everything that you need in
Speaker 1: a husband. And you've done the same thing for me.
Speaker 1: But it only works when you have that honest conversation
Speaker 1: about this is what I need. See those conversations that
Speaker 1: happen before the marriage. Because we heard of a situation
Speaker 1: recently where someone was very upset because their wife, who's
Speaker 1: now a rest a new wife, pretty much says she's
Speaker 1: not giving head anymore because that's not what wives do, Like,
Speaker 1: that's not within the domain or the scope of what
Speaker 1: she deems necessary for a wife to do for her husband.
Speaker 1: And it was kind of just like, oh, my gods
Speaker 1: clutching the pearls in their edges, because isn't that the
Speaker 1: point where you're supposed to turn that ship up for
Speaker 1: your husband or not? You know what I'm saying. And
Speaker 1: it's just like, I'm sure if this conversation was had beforehand,
Speaker 1: there would have been a lot more to think about.
Speaker 1: Thank you. See, I was I was going to say
Speaker 1: what you just said. There is no because you're a
Speaker 1: wife you have to give head, or because you're a
Speaker 1: wife you don't. You didn't have to give head. The
Speaker 1: conversation is as a wife, this is what I prefer
Speaker 1: to do. As a husband, What do you need? And
Speaker 1: if my needs match your wants, then we're good. And
Speaker 1: then I get to say, you know, at this point, well, okay,
Speaker 1: you don't want to give head. I like head, this
Speaker 1: ain't gonna work. But if we get married under the
Speaker 1: pretense that you're gonna be giving me head. No one
Speaker 1: I like head, And after we get married, you say, no,
Speaker 1: that's deceitful. You know what I'm saying, that's messed up.
Speaker 1: Though you knew I couldn't even I couldn't even co
Speaker 1: sign on that when I'm sorry one thing, No, you
Speaker 1: don't because you're great the sloppy. But what I what
Speaker 1: I'm saying is we also have to stop putting generalizations
Speaker 1: on our own marriage, meaning that everyone else says this
Speaker 1: is what I should need, Well, this is what I
Speaker 1: should want, So I'm gonna I'm gonna want and need that.
Speaker 1: If you don't want or need that, don't require your
Speaker 1: partner to provide that because they're not providing you anything
Speaker 1: that you want or need. That's busy work. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying that it's busy work. Well we have
Speaker 1: to start doing is saying, listen, these are my wants
Speaker 1: and needs. Anything you want to provide with my wants
Speaker 1: and needs and more, that's on you. But this is
Speaker 1: what I want to need. If you can't provide me that,
Speaker 1: let's make a decision to not be together. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, as opposed to saying, well, according to
Speaker 1: men in this book, You're supposed to be giving me
Speaker 1: head twice a week. That never works. What if you
Speaker 1: what if you're a guy you don't like he don't
Speaker 1: know many guys who don't like her. But what if
Speaker 1: you're a guy who don't like that and your wife
Speaker 1: is trying to do something for you because she read
Speaker 1: somewhere that all of these other men like this. Well
Speaker 1: that's what I was one into a homegirl. I was like,
Speaker 1: did she is that something that she read somewhere that said, like,
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to do that. Wives don't do that anymore?
Speaker 1: Or is that something that she just developed? Because now
Speaker 1: what's gonna happen is that I'm sure that the story
Speaker 1: will be. Can you believe that we kind of divorce
Speaker 1: because I won't give head everything else I do for him,
Speaker 1: everything else that we had our entire life, And that's
Speaker 1: the reason why our marriage didn't work because I refused
Speaker 1: to do that. That's that one thing, that's exactly what
Speaker 1: that's probably that's what the story is gonna be. And
Speaker 1: everyone's gonna say that he's what shallow, shallow and selfish? Shallow? Yikes? Crazy? Um,
Speaker 1: But yeah, So that that just was interesting because I
Speaker 1: always wondered that, like, is it the thing where people
Speaker 1: who have had prior sexual partners to their spouse, particularly
Speaker 1: those who are having the hot girl summers in the
Speaker 1: hook Dad? And you can compare and rank and you know,
Speaker 1: put that little flow chart together of who did what better?
Speaker 1: Does that also to become an issue because you're comparing,
Speaker 1: you know, the scenario that you've had in the past
Speaker 1: to what you're in now. Look, I'm I'm always one
Speaker 1: for good for healthy competition. I don't mind. I don't
Speaker 1: mind competing. I'm competing in everything in my life. So
Speaker 1: for me, I think competition brings the best out of people. Right,
Speaker 1: that that pressure to perform because you're you're uncomfortable is
Speaker 1: what makes you great. Right, And I know that sounds
Speaker 1: like a sports analogy, but that really is an analogy
Speaker 1: for all aspects of life. Right when you partner and
Speaker 1: think about this, young ladies and young men, right, how
Speaker 1: often do we take our partners for granted until someone
Speaker 1: else starts showing interest in that same partner that you're
Speaker 1: taking for granted. Think about it starts as earlier junior
Speaker 1: high school? Right? Early is junior high school? You like
Speaker 1: this girl? Right? You like this girl, you know, you
Speaker 1: don't know how to approach or whatever that uh, you
Speaker 1: notice someone else taking a liking too that girl. Now
Speaker 1: it's like I gotta say something because I can't let
Speaker 1: him talk to her. That that's been happening since junior high.
Speaker 1: This is my fish fisher in the sea, this is
Speaker 1: my fish. Or you got a young lady and she's
Speaker 1: been your girlfriend and you've been taking up for granted
Speaker 1: because someone else is paying attention to you. So now
Speaker 1: you're starting to you know, I like her, but this
Speaker 1: other girl right here and she's okay, she's okay. So
Speaker 1: now you're starting to look at this other lady until
Speaker 1: you notice that there's a guy paying attention to the
Speaker 1: girl that you're with right now. Then it's like what
Speaker 1: you want? You want her? Why? What is it about
Speaker 1: her that you want? Maybe I have something that I
Speaker 1: don't realize I have and it took someone else paying attention.
Speaker 1: That's why I believe that healthy competition is good. I
Speaker 1: believe that it's healthy for a relationship as long as
Speaker 1: both people are committed to being of service to each other.
Speaker 1: That don't mean that you just always look for someone
Speaker 1: else to take your attention away. But it's life. We
Speaker 1: don't owe each other nothing. There's nothing that stamped from
Speaker 1: the beginning of time and said Codeine belongs to devout
Speaker 1: and Devot shouldn't have to do anything to earn Codeine's love.
Speaker 1: There's nothing that says that, and vice versa. Know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, I get that, I agree with that. Or
Speaker 1: what about the scenario of the woman that's just like
Speaker 1: or the couple it could be man or a woman
Speaker 1: that's together for a long time, whatever whatever, And then
Speaker 1: you know, this one starts to fall off a little bit.
Speaker 1: You know, you're not keeping yourself up me and not
Speaker 1: keeping myself up me. But you hear that, and then
Speaker 1: it becomes they break up. Then you see either homeboy
Speaker 1: or her and girl and gym hard trying to get
Speaker 1: back you can, trying to get back in shape because
Speaker 1: why we're not together anymore. You see somebody looking at
Speaker 1: your X or you might be on a break or
Speaker 1: whatever the situation is. It's like, damn, let me, let
Speaker 1: me get in the gym real hard to get back
Speaker 1: so he could see what he's missing. I never happened that.
Speaker 1: I'm not. That happened too. And it's just like damn bro,
Speaker 1: damn sis. If you were trying to keep yourself together
Speaker 1: beforehand while you were with your person, wouldn't be over there.
Speaker 1: If you put the same energy into your appearance while
Speaker 1: you're with someone as you do during a hot girl
Speaker 1: someone or who you daddy summer, your relationship will thrive
Speaker 1: at least at that level. Right Because people tend to
Speaker 1: say it's ok to let yourself go you fell in love.
Speaker 1: No it's not. And for the reason you said, it's
Speaker 1: just the reason why why somebody got to break up too.
Speaker 1: Then I'm gonna be the best version of myself. Why
Speaker 1: wouldn't you want to be the best version of yourself
Speaker 1: for the person that you chose to spend the rest
Speaker 1: of your life with. To me, they say it's shallow
Speaker 1: to be on someone about their parents. I think it's
Speaker 1: extremely lazy and self is for you to feel like, well,
Speaker 1: now that I found my person, I'm gonna just let
Speaker 1: myself go and give them less than the best version
Speaker 1: of myself. Think about how selfish that is. Oh, you
Speaker 1: love me, fine, Now that you love me and you've
Speaker 1: proclaimed your love for me, I'm gonna give you less
Speaker 1: than what I can give because I'll give strangers my best.
Speaker 1: I give them my best, but you proclaimed your love
Speaker 1: for me, so now I'm gonna give you less than
Speaker 1: my best. That doesn't make any sense because you just
Speaker 1: should be used to it and love me for who
Speaker 1: I am. I'm sorry, don't make sense to me unless
Speaker 1: you have a health Unless you have a health issue
Speaker 1: and you can't keep yourself up, which most of the
Speaker 1: time your partner understands. But if you're just being lazy,
Speaker 1: you're pushing your partner to a hoochie daddy someone or
Speaker 1: a hot girl someone. If you're doing I mean, well,
Speaker 1: you know, for us married folks, I feel like we
Speaker 1: can exist within our marriage and be hoochie daddy's and
Speaker 1: hot girls for each other. I mean, hey, hell do
Speaker 1: you think listen? I feel like that's how we've existed,
Speaker 1: can exist happily for the past because I don't I
Speaker 1: don't mind, I don't, I don't mind going out. And
Speaker 1: you got on your hoochie mama shorts, you got your
Speaker 1: stomach out, you got the girls out, a little cyboo about,
Speaker 1: and I'm right there on your arm because I like
Speaker 1: to look at it, you know what I'm saying. It's
Speaker 1: also not fair for me as a man right to
Speaker 1: say I go out in the summertime and I look
Speaker 1: at all these girls dressed a certain way and then
Speaker 1: not give you that same attention that I give them.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, Because that's unfair. It's unfair
Speaker 1: to say to your your woman. And this is me
Speaker 1: speaking to men in general, right, because there are a
Speaker 1: lot of controlling men and be like, you're my woman,
Speaker 1: You're gonna dress like this, You're gonna do like this, right,
Speaker 1: But then you go out and give attention to men
Speaker 1: who are women who are dressed like the way you
Speaker 1: don't want your wife to dress. How was that fair
Speaker 1: at all? So, no, you want to dress like that?
Speaker 1: I like to look at that. Let's go out together.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put on some hoochie daddy shorts. You're gonna
Speaker 1: with them tight shorts in them here as you got.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go out together and love on each other
Speaker 1: and let people experience what this together. I don't put
Speaker 1: no ageent how I'm supposed to be dressing, because listen,
Speaker 1: as long as I am put together, baby, I will
Speaker 1: be wearing my shorts. I'll be in my bo to
Speaker 1: ride as all day. You can get a little underboots,
Speaker 1: a little cy boob, a little cheek, get a little
Speaker 1: nipple action through the through the short. Okay again because
Speaker 1: because as you when you brushed past me though, That's
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. But as you got older, as you
Speaker 1: got older, let me tell you something funny. Right when
Speaker 1: we was in college, even college once he was playing
Speaker 1: both Coadine never wore bras. Right, we'll be out. We're
Speaker 1: hugging and kissing, nipples getting hard, like she's looking at me.
Speaker 1: I'm looking at her now. We got kids and stuff.
Speaker 1: Right now, she getting dressed and stuff like that. Put
Speaker 1: a bra. I'm like, she's just like, she's like, I
Speaker 1: can't the nipples be acting. There's their own entity, especially
Speaker 1: after breastfeeding four boys. They don't know whatever they want
Speaker 1: to they feel like doing. Let me explain something to
Speaker 1: so listen. Your nipples be looking for me. Okay. Let
Speaker 1: makes playing to y'all something women. Okay, once a man
Speaker 1: has given you four kids, like them, nipples know exactly
Speaker 1: where I am. I could be on another side of
Speaker 1: the room and I just start going. The nipples are
Speaker 1: gonna get hard and start pointing in the direction that
Speaker 1: I'm in and that's letting her no, letting her know
Speaker 1: that way. I think the consensus is after you the breastfest,
Speaker 1: some kids, these nipples be doing whatever they want. You
Speaker 1: don't know, deificantly bigger than they were before you purposely
Speaker 1: like now a constant remind you're welcome. You're welcome, okay.
Speaker 1: You don't know your titties better than I know your titties.
Speaker 1: Stop acting like you do. How often you talk to
Speaker 1: your titties? Never? I talk to them all the time.
Speaker 1: You'll be sleep ill talking to we have. We have
Speaker 1: a very good relationship, alright. I believe you remember when
Speaker 1: you who used to massage them with lotion them up
Speaker 1: so you didn't get stretched marks? Who did that? I did?
Speaker 1: You didn't care know about your titties, right. I do
Speaker 1: appreciate you. I appreciate and you you guys are welcome
Speaker 1: to okay because you made it through four pregnancies and births,
Speaker 1: all right. Yeah, and you're doing fine for yourself months
Speaker 1: of nursing. So yes, I appreciate you, Thank you. But yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm happy that we can exist as a hot girl
Speaker 1: and the Hucci daddy because I'm shorts be shorten you
Speaker 1: like I've been doing a lot more squats in the
Speaker 1: gym because I want to get than to get a
Speaker 1: little bit of I'm gonna be working on my legs too,
Speaker 1: because my legs became mushed after these kids. So I mean,
Speaker 1: that's that's both of us. We got a little We
Speaker 1: got a little bit. But I was talking to this
Speaker 1: about with my boy uh black right, because he was saying,
Speaker 1: like the Hucci Daddy shorts is just too short now,
Speaker 1: And I was like, did you ever watch our parents?
Speaker 1: My father used to wear shorts. They were like boxing,
Speaker 1: but they used to look like it was mad hot Broye.
Speaker 1: It's like repeating itself. Think about it. They wore bell
Speaker 1: I was about to say, you wore parachuto jeans. They
Speaker 1: wore hot pants. Men were wearing hot pants. I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess that's the skinny jeans now, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Then they were wearing hot shorts. But the best part
Speaker 1: about it is when they look at the generation now
Speaker 1: and be like, what's that? Exactly what are they doing?
Speaker 1: And they were doing the same ship. I'll still be
Speaker 1: a old lady all day. I can call me that
Speaker 1: all you want, but I will never get into the
Speaker 1: lace fronts with the baby hair joints that come down
Speaker 1: to the front on the forehead like this, they look
Speaker 1: like a mustache that comes down and start keep that.
Speaker 1: I don't care how old I am. You can say
Speaker 1: you because because you oh, it's because you push your
Speaker 1: forty yes, and that ship looks terrible and they all
Speaker 1: do with it. Lacefront joint with the freaking looking the
Speaker 1: mustache looking baby, here's tell them stop cut too with
Speaker 1: a lace front and baby because you have yo, please
Speaker 1: keep this, please keep, please keep this right when we
Speaker 1: go and into something and KaDee got that same here style.
Speaker 1: Because I'll be the first to tell y'all will never
Speaker 1: catch me with the baby here joints that They're not
Speaker 1: gonna do that. And you may catch me a little
Speaker 1: fashion shoot with a little swirl, a little laid down situation,
Speaker 1: but you will never catch me with the late front
Speaker 1: joint with the mustache. Baby. Here's how you lying. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you how you lying right now. Tell me.
Speaker 1: Two thousand and eight, two thousand and eight, Little Wayne
Speaker 1: did a video where he had on skinny jeans right
Speaker 1: and Codeine said to me, devout, if you ever in
Speaker 1: your life put on skinny jeans. It's over between us.
Speaker 1: Yes you did. You said that, and my brother co
Speaker 1: signed it. Brian Co signed it, Brian Frown. You never
Speaker 1: wear no skinny jeans. Cut too now jeans like he's
Speaker 1: a little too baggy, babe. I like this a little
Speaker 1: bit more tight. I like this little. I'm like, wow,
Speaker 1: you want me to put on skinny jeans just like
Speaker 1: it depends. It depends on the type of skinny jeans.
Speaker 1: And if I'm lying, you don't mind me in the
Speaker 1: skinny gene. Now, I don't mind you to excuse you.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about me and the fucking mustache, baby ears.
Speaker 1: I am not doing the mustache baby here. I'll give
Speaker 1: you that period, that period. Let's keep this footage period,
Speaker 1: keep it. Bring up your receipts. Speaking of receipts, we
Speaker 1: got bills to pay. I think we should take a
Speaker 1: quick break and we're gonna come back with listener letters. Yeah, alright, guys,
Speaker 1: we're back back with listener letters. Let's see what you
Speaker 1: got to talk about this week. Well, this first one
Speaker 1: is extra long, all right? You want to read just one?
Speaker 1: You want me to go for it? So I just
Speaker 1: want to say I love your podcast and your dynamic.
Speaker 1: You're so authentic. I appreciate that about you. Guys appreciate you.
Speaker 1: So after listening to the get It Right, Get It
Speaker 1: Tight episode, I have concerns. My partner thirty one and nine,
Speaker 1: have been together for six months and he's pretty much
Speaker 1: ideal for me. However, he does not work out and
Speaker 1: lives a sedentary lifestyle. He's a bigger guy, which I
Speaker 1: have no issues with, but I would have an issue
Speaker 1: if he continues to grow in size. On the other hand,
Speaker 1: I'm into fitness and I've been working out for years.
Speaker 1: I've always been into sports at a young age and
Speaker 1: have played some sports at a collegiate level, so I'm
Speaker 1: really it's really second nature for me. I mean the
Speaker 1: gym three or four times a week, and I eat
Speaker 1: moderately healthy. I've figured out that what works best for me,
Speaker 1: and I've been maintaining that for years. At one point,
Speaker 1: my man was three hundred plus pounds before we met
Speaker 1: and decided to change his lifestyle and lost a hundred
Speaker 1: plus pounds with dining and weightlifting. However, once he lost
Speaker 1: the weight, he stopped living that life. I have a
Speaker 1: three year old. I have a three year old with
Speaker 1: the busy schedule and oftentimes I have to choose between
Speaker 1: the gym or spending time with my man. He mentioned
Speaker 1: that he wants to start going back to the gym,
Speaker 1: and I've invited him to go with me frequently, which
Speaker 1: she's declined, so I stopped asking. It's been eight months
Speaker 1: and I haven't seen him exercise once, and some of
Speaker 1: his bad eating habits and lifestyles are rubbing off on me.
Speaker 1: She put the sad face in their child no Accountability partner.
Speaker 1: I'm concerned that he'll gain more weight and eventually have
Speaker 1: health issues. Not working out is a big deal breaker
Speaker 1: for me. I know he's he, I know he's I
Speaker 1: know he's capable. However, I also don't want to put
Speaker 1: pressure on him or give him an ultimatum because I
Speaker 1: don't want him to think that I'm not attracted to him.
Speaker 1: I feel like this might be my person, and we
Speaker 1: talk about marriage and longevity. However, I know for a
Speaker 1: fact that I won't invest or spend my life with
Speaker 1: someone who does not halfway prioritize their health. He doesn't
Speaker 1: know I feel the strongly about this, or that I'm
Speaker 1: waiting on him. Why won't he go to the gym
Speaker 1: with me, but expresses that he wants to go. Should
Speaker 1: I tell him my concerns to convey a sense of urgency? Yes?
Speaker 1: How do I express these concerns without my partner feeling
Speaker 1: self conscious or a shame? How long it's too long
Speaker 1: to wait for a change. I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Please let me know what you guys think. All, Okay,
Speaker 1: there's a couple of red flags here. First of all,
Speaker 1: when she said that, um, she's attracted to him, but
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to tell him that. She doesn't want
Speaker 1: him to continue to gain more weight because she doesn't
Speaker 1: want him to think that she will be unattractive to him,
Speaker 1: but she will be unattracted to him. So you can't
Speaker 1: not want to say something to your partner because you
Speaker 1: don't want them to feel or think that you're unattractive attracted?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like that to me is
Speaker 1: the recipe for disaster, because that's what most relationships carry on.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to say anything to my
Speaker 1: partner about this because it hurt my feelings, because I
Speaker 1: don't want them to think that they hurt my feelings.
Speaker 1: But your feelings are hurt you have to let your
Speaker 1: partner know, open, honestly and in real time, how you
Speaker 1: feel about things, your truth. If whether it hurts your
Speaker 1: partner or not, it's still your truth and you have
Speaker 1: to live in your truth or you're going to have
Speaker 1: resentment towards yourself and ultimately your partner. That's that's the
Speaker 1: first thing, the red flag. The second red flag here,
Speaker 1: Codeine and I talk about health and fitness all the time,
Speaker 1: and people often equated to being vain or just looks Codeine.
Speaker 1: I say this to Condin all the time, and Codine
Speaker 1: stop me if I'm lying. I say, Codeine, you and
Speaker 1: I are in this thing called life together. We have
Speaker 1: a responsibility to be here for each other health wise
Speaker 1: as long as we can. If you choose to live
Speaker 1: a lifestyle that is not conducive with us being healthy, healthy,
Speaker 1: it's not fair to me and it's not fair to
Speaker 1: your children. It does have something to do with being vain.
Speaker 1: But I want my wife to be healthy. When you've
Speaker 1: lived through someone going through postpartum pre clampsion and her
Speaker 1: blood pressure being high and realizing that health, healthy eating, exercising,
Speaker 1: and and sleep can help, that that becomes more important
Speaker 1: than what she looks like like a lot of our
Speaker 1: conversations really have nothing to do with the scale. I
Speaker 1: don't I don't weigh my wife. I don't measure her waist.
Speaker 1: A lot of it is, yo, did you did you
Speaker 1: work out today? You were supposed to walk for twenty minutes?
Speaker 1: You didn't. What does that mean for your heart? Right?
Speaker 1: That's kind of like the rule that I think we've
Speaker 1: adopted as this household, even my father, my father who
Speaker 1: is also getting up there in age, my mother, my
Speaker 1: mom plays tennis three times a week. My father, who
Speaker 1: also too, all his life was just a very sedentary lifestyle.
Speaker 1: I mean, he did work on his feet, and he
Speaker 1: worked in the hospital for years. But twenty minutes a day, anybody,
Speaker 1: everybody should be doing at least that much, and not
Speaker 1: twenty minutes. Being like I walked to the car, that's
Speaker 1: thirty seconds. Then I walked around target that's another ten second.
Speaker 1: You know, you have to actually do consistent walk twenty
Speaker 1: minutes a day just for heart health, and consistent part
Speaker 1: your heart should be, depending on your age, anywhere between
Speaker 1: a hundred and twenty to a hundred and forty beats
Speaker 1: per minute. The older you get, of course, you wanted
Speaker 1: to be lower. Depending on how often you work out.
Speaker 1: But if you speak to my mother in law who
Speaker 1: lives with us, Mimi, how often I asked her if
Speaker 1: she worked out today? It's every day, And you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not worried about what my mother in law looks
Speaker 1: like acts my father in law if I asked him,
Speaker 1: if you walk today? I asked my mom and dad
Speaker 1: if I don't call them and get on their ass
Speaker 1: and say when's the last time he worked out? Because
Speaker 1: we as a people have to be better about health issues,
Speaker 1: we often let ourselves off the hook by talking about
Speaker 1: body shaming and fat shaming, and that's not fair to
Speaker 1: people who want you to be healthy. It's one thing
Speaker 1: to be on on someone about how they look if
Speaker 1: they're already healthy. But if you know someone is not healthy,
Speaker 1: not eating healthy, not going to the gym, and you
Speaker 1: try to point them in a healthy direction, they say,
Speaker 1: you're fat shaming me. They're just being lazy. There's a
Speaker 1: there's a very stark difference, and I think that's a
Speaker 1: good place for her to start. She wasn't awhere to
Speaker 1: start with the conversation with him. If you guys are
Speaker 1: having conversations about life, about marriage, about longevity, about being together.
Speaker 1: If this is your person, then you want to invest
Speaker 1: in your person. You want to invest in this relationship,
Speaker 1: And I think it should start with the conversation of saying, Hey,
Speaker 1: if we're going to be doing this life together, I
Speaker 1: would love for us to do the best that we
Speaker 1: can to make sure that we are sustaining ourselves, doing
Speaker 1: our part to make sure that we're staying healthy. If
Speaker 1: it means that we're cooking together, if it means that
Speaker 1: we're meal prepping together, That's where Deval and I are now.
Speaker 1: I'm meal prepping for the two of us because I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I understand what we want our diet to look like.
Speaker 1: I understand some of the things that we may want
Speaker 1: to lower or or raise based off of our last
Speaker 1: panel of blood work we did. Like, there's so many
Speaker 1: things that go into making sure that you guys can
Speaker 1: sustain this lifestyle together. So that should be the conversation starter.
Speaker 1: You want him to be as healthy as possible for you.
Speaker 1: For the three year old, m your three year old,
Speaker 1: I think she said they have a three year old together. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so with the three year old, you want to make
Speaker 1: sure that that's paramount and and gentlemen, I bring this
Speaker 1: to you. Just going to the gym does not mean
Speaker 1: that you're healthy. Okay, we got to do a better
Speaker 1: job of eating better. If you ask a dean. I've
Speaker 1: cut a lot of sugar and a lot of salt
Speaker 1: because I wasn't getting enough sleep and I was getting
Speaker 1: bad headaches. I took my pressure one time and my
Speaker 1: pressure was high, and Kadean was like, yo, what is
Speaker 1: going on? It's scary to work out every day and
Speaker 1: to take your pressure and your pressure be hid and
Speaker 1: to realize that have a little twitch in my eye.
Speaker 1: And I noticed that that happens when I don't sleep
Speaker 1: a lot and when I'm eating too much salt, which
Speaker 1: means you never know when you're on the brink of
Speaker 1: something catastrophic happening if you keep ignoring the signs and thinking, oh,
Speaker 1: I go to the gym, so I'm fine. No, we
Speaker 1: have yes, blood pressure, stress eating. We have to be
Speaker 1: better with that as a people. So so, Mama, I
Speaker 1: hope we helped you this one thing. She said to um,
Speaker 1: how do I express these concerns without my partner feeling
Speaker 1: self conscious or shame? You expressing your concerns in a
Speaker 1: loving manner. If they feel shamed, that's them problem, and
Speaker 1: that has nothing to do with your you know, with you,
Speaker 1: you are allowed to, if you choose to live with
Speaker 1: someone and be of service, express your concerns for yourself
Speaker 1: and them them saying they feel shamed, that's something they
Speaker 1: have to deal with because they have to figure out
Speaker 1: why they feel shamed. With you expressing concerns, you know,
Speaker 1: unless you're being an asshole or a company, which I'm
Speaker 1: sure it will come from a place. Based on what
Speaker 1: you wrote here, I can tell you love this man
Speaker 1: and you care for him deeply, so I'm pretty sure
Speaker 1: you're not expressing it to him, you know, in a
Speaker 1: negative way, but even you can be saying it the
Speaker 1: nicest way. If he's saying that he's feel shamed, he
Speaker 1: has to deal with that and you should tell him, Hey,
Speaker 1: if you're feeling shamed about what I'm saying, you may
Speaker 1: need to speak to someone to figure out why you
Speaker 1: feel shame about what I'm saying, or create that space,
Speaker 1: safe space for him to be able to speak with
Speaker 1: you about it. Alright, good luck. Oh. She also asked
Speaker 1: one question, I don't know what to do. Um, how
Speaker 1: long it's too long to wait for change. Kaudana and
Speaker 1: I have been married for twenty years. We have argued
Speaker 1: and debated about stuff since the very beginning that we're
Speaker 1: still working for each other to change on so there's
Speaker 1: nothing it's no time is too long if you're constantly
Speaker 1: working on it. Right with me and Jackson created this
Speaker 1: motto a practice, Uh, Practice is not punishment. It's the
Speaker 1: pursuit of perfection. We know we're never going to be perfect,
Speaker 1: but when you're constantly working to be perfect, that means
Speaker 1: you can get better every single day. And when you
Speaker 1: have a partner that you can see working to get
Speaker 1: better every single day, they may they may never change
Speaker 1: to be exactly who you want, but the work is
Speaker 1: what you want to see every time. Question number two
Speaker 1: or letter number two, Hello, Connein and Devout. As frequent
Speaker 1: listeners of y'all's podcasts, I love how real and objective
Speaker 1: the two of you are about a lot of subjects.
Speaker 1: Thank you. But that being said, I have an interesting
Speaker 1: question for you too. I'm a thirty two year old
Speaker 1: guy and newly married. Prior to marriage, I always knew
Speaker 1: of monogamy in a marriage, but now in my third
Speaker 1: year I'm trying to grasp and learn a polly lifestyle
Speaker 1: of which my wife came to me about wanting to
Speaker 1: experiment with. My question for you, too is what are
Speaker 1: your thoughts on the lifestyle of polyamory? Also do you
Speaker 1: think do you too think it can be a healthy
Speaker 1: way to grow a marriage and make it more fulfilling?
Speaker 1: Side note, my wife grew up in a religious family
Speaker 1: and did not get to fully explore her sexuality. We
Speaker 1: were just talking about this without the fear of judgment
Speaker 1: as an experiment with both sex as opposed to one.
Speaker 1: So she feels polyamory speaks to how she feels. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's interesting. These are my thoughts on this interesting Interesting.
Speaker 1: Number One, asking someone else's idea on polyamory should never
Speaker 1: be what you start your ideas polyamory, right, So realistically,
Speaker 1: asking us what we feel about polyamory shouldn't matter. Right?
Speaker 1: Do you love this woman? Do you feel like it
Speaker 1: could work for you? Have you guys had an open
Speaker 1: and honest discussion about what it looks like? On what what?
Speaker 1: Because polyamory doesn't have one idea either, just like monogamy
Speaker 1: doesn't write what does her idea of polyamory looks like,
Speaker 1: what does yours look like? If you're willing to try it,
Speaker 1: are you willing to try it together and to continue
Speaker 1: to grow with each other. If you guys can find
Speaker 1: some sort of synergy and work on it together, then
Speaker 1: it's for you. If you can't, then it's not for you.
Speaker 1: One thing I will tell you is stop asking other
Speaker 1: people advice for what you have to find out within
Speaker 1: your marriage. Now. I appreciate you asking us because you
Speaker 1: respect our opinion. But I can't tell you my thoughts
Speaker 1: of polyamory because I never experienced polyamory and I'd be
Speaker 1: doing a disservice to the people who live that lifestyle
Speaker 1: trying to um man splain or uh or you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, or monogamistically explain what polyamory is. All
Speaker 1: I know is that if you guys can find a
Speaker 1: healthy way to communicate and be honest with each other
Speaker 1: through this process and find something that works for you,
Speaker 1: to knock yourselves out. He said, they're newly married, so
Speaker 1: now they're in their third year, and this is what
Speaker 1: his wife is looking for. I think it's a great
Speaker 1: thing that his wife is comfortable enough to speak with
Speaker 1: him about it and then he entertained it, or at
Speaker 1: least say, you know what, I may not know much
Speaker 1: about this lifestyle, but I'm willing to find out more
Speaker 1: about it or ask about it to see how we
Speaker 1: can possibly bait this work. And with his wife not
Speaker 1: growing up having fully explored her sexuality, it looks like
Speaker 1: she wants him to be a part of that while
Speaker 1: she explores women. You know, I guess they just have
Speaker 1: to make sure that the ground rules are put out there.
Speaker 1: And one thing that does get a little heary. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, sometimes we can make these ground rules right,
Speaker 1: and they can be kind of general or they can
Speaker 1: just be specific. But what if a scenario arises where
Speaker 1: we didn't really express what the ground rules were for this,
Speaker 1: and it could potentially cause issues or retention later on.
Speaker 1: So you have to be flexible and willing to kind
Speaker 1: of roll with the punches as you guys explore this together,
Speaker 1: because you may embark on something where you're like, I
Speaker 1: thought I would be okay with this, but I'm not
Speaker 1: necessarily okay with that, Or I don't know. My wife
Speaker 1: seems to really be enjoying this lifestyle with the women,
Speaker 1: are am I then fearful now that she's no longer
Speaker 1: going to want to be with me, and she may
Speaker 1: fully want to be with a woman. Like there's so
Speaker 1: many different ways that things can unfold. We just can't
Speaker 1: really speak going to too much because we don't know.
Speaker 1: I just I just think that like any marriage, it's
Speaker 1: an ongoing conversation. There's never going to be a point
Speaker 1: in your marriage, whether you're monogamous or polyamorous, where you
Speaker 1: say we figured everything else, we no longer have conversations.
Speaker 1: That's this is always going to be a conversation. Also
Speaker 1: want to say that if at any point you feel
Speaker 1: like this relationship is not advantageous to all parties involved,
Speaker 1: you can walk away. You know, Like this, this idea
Speaker 1: that marriage is supposed to be to the very end,
Speaker 1: regardless of whether it's to at a detriment to either
Speaker 1: party or both parties, is just not real, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And I know a lot of people
Speaker 1: quote the Bible and use the Bible as a way,
Speaker 1: but we're seeing pastors now get divorced. You under stand
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Like the Bible was written thousands of
Speaker 1: years ago, the world has changed. Everything is not going
Speaker 1: to be the same way. Now, if you're a super
Speaker 1: religious person and you believe marriages for ever, then you
Speaker 1: need to have that conversation with the person that you're
Speaker 1: with and find someone who lives that lifestyle with you,
Speaker 1: because that can also be the right lifestyle for you. Ultimately,
Speaker 1: there is no right lifestyle for everyone on the planet.
Speaker 1: You have to figure out what works for you. She
Speaker 1: she may know, like she may try it because she
Speaker 1: says she was religious and felt kind of, you know,
Speaker 1: coddled and bubbled, and she may try to be like,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I just I really just want to
Speaker 1: be with my husband. Like that may be a possibility.
Speaker 1: You never know. So as long as y'all are having
Speaker 1: the conversations and you don't feel like you're hurting and
Speaker 1: she's not hurting or you're not hurting someone else, then
Speaker 1: do what you guys do man, continue to talk about it,
Speaker 1: and God bless all parties involved. Just need to agree. Yes.
Speaker 1: All right, y'all. If you want to be featured as
Speaker 1: one of our listener letters, be sure to email us
Speaker 1: at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's d
Speaker 1: E A D A S S A d V I
Speaker 1: C E at gmail dot com. All right, More on
Speaker 1: the truth time we're talking to who she daddy shorts?
Speaker 1: Who she daddy summits, hot girls summers, this trend that
Speaker 1: we seem to be on, which I don't necessarily even
Speaker 1: think of the trend because I feel like our parents,
Speaker 1: parents are grandparents. Yet y'all had y'all hot girls summers?
Speaker 1: Who Chi daddy short? So what's she? Moment of truth?
Speaker 1: Baby got one? My moment of truth is this, um
Speaker 1: we all need to stop labeling people based on what
Speaker 1: they do in a moment in time. For example, because
Speaker 1: of social media, you get to see people live out
Speaker 1: their lives in real time. So if someone decides they
Speaker 1: want to have a hot girl summer for this moment
Speaker 1: a couple of months, people then want to say, you're
Speaker 1: in the hot girls summer pile for the rest of
Speaker 1: your life. You're just a hot girl. And I don't
Speaker 1: think that that's fair. You know, if you decide you
Speaker 1: wonder war hucie daddy shorts, and and women want to say, oh,
Speaker 1: he just wants to be a thirst trapper in this
Speaker 1: because he wants to do that for these couple of months.
Speaker 1: It's not fair. I say, let people explore and see
Speaker 1: if they want to be of service to other people
Speaker 1: during this time and then let them reconvenience that, you
Speaker 1: know what, I've made a decision about it. Let's stop
Speaker 1: shaming people and acting acting as if we all haven't experienced,
Speaker 1: especially our parents generation, having experienced out all versions of
Speaker 1: hot girls, summers and hougie dadis in the past. I
Speaker 1: also want to say that if you are in your
Speaker 1: mid thirties and you're a young man or a young
Speaker 1: woman trying to figure out what the opposite sex is
Speaker 1: thinking about, because this seems to be the age that
Speaker 1: people get real confused about why the opposite sex is
Speaker 1: moving this way, think about being Think about if you're
Speaker 1: a young man, think about being a thirty two a
Speaker 1: thirty three year old woman and being told that you
Speaker 1: have two to three years to have a child healthy,
Speaker 1: and thinking about what that woman is doing in the
Speaker 1: dating pool and why she's dating so deliberately. If you,
Speaker 1: as a young man, can understand that perspective as a
Speaker 1: young woman, you'll then know whose time not to waste
Speaker 1: if you're not interested in that, and you'll also understand
Speaker 1: why she's asking the question she's asking. If you're a
Speaker 1: young lady and you see a young man is in
Speaker 1: his thirties and he's living his life, and he's dating
Speaker 1: and chasing all these young women. Just ask yourself when
Speaker 1: you were in your young twenties and you were chasing
Speaker 1: all of these ballplayers and entertainers and getting flown here
Speaker 1: and flown there. Now it's his turn to do that.
Speaker 1: So if he don't seem like he's ready to settle
Speaker 1: down with you right now with thirty to a thirty
Speaker 1: three because he just finally got his penthouse apartment, don't
Speaker 1: judge him because he ain't ready to be a daddy.
Speaker 1: He trying to be a hoochie guy. And I just
Speaker 1: asked that we have some grace for each other in
Speaker 1: our thirties, because we and our thirties be bashing each
Speaker 1: other so bad. Right now is a very awkward face.
Speaker 1: It is a very awkward face. But I have faith
Speaker 1: in us as people that if we do history and
Speaker 1: understand sociology and try to understand the other person's perspective,
Speaker 1: we'll go into dating and saying, you know what, that
Speaker 1: young ladies in a certain space, I respect her. I'm
Speaker 1: not going to waste her time. Well, that young man
Speaker 1: is in a certain space. I don't want to waste
Speaker 1: his time because I know what I'm looking for more
Speaker 1: and he's looking for less. So that's that's my moment
Speaker 1: of truth. You took a portion of mine, which is
Speaker 1: cool because I was gonna talk about the different age ranges,
Speaker 1: like what the thirty year old men look like, what
Speaker 1: the twenty year well women look like, and vice versa,
Speaker 1: and how that changes, so to keep that in mind.
Speaker 1: But I guess my rounding out the moment of truth,
Speaker 1: I would say, when you're having your hot girls summer
Speaker 1: or your hoochie daddy summer, or however you want to
Speaker 1: call it, not everybody has to know that you a
Speaker 1: hot girl unless you advertise and that you were hot girl.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. So some things you can
Speaker 1: keep to yourself, and you can hot girl in private.
Speaker 1: Don't ever side advertise that your hot girl if that's
Speaker 1: not something you want to be labeled for the rest
Speaker 1: of your life. Have your summer, keep it low key,
Speaker 1: have your fun, you yourself, and you will be the
Speaker 1: only ones to know that you were playing hot girl,
Speaker 1: you were playing Hucci daddy. And then you can re
Speaker 1: emerge once you've gotten that out your system, and then
Speaker 1: no one knows the white deliberty. No one knows the why.
Speaker 1: Now we know the truth, you can't handle the truth. Now.
Speaker 1: I wish I could advertise my hot girl something for
Speaker 1: y'all hasn't come yet, But I don't know. Let's see
Speaker 1: catch me in a couple of years. I'm still gonna
Speaker 1: be hot girling with you, bro, exactly with me. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be hot girling with you as long as you
Speaker 1: know that you gotta keep a spicy you know. Hey,
Speaker 1: how girl, someone's got you played in a couple of dogs.
Speaker 1: That's a fact. But that's something that we will not
Speaker 1: be replaying anymore anymore. You can take that one and
Speaker 1: roll with it, all right, y'all. Be sure to follow
Speaker 1: us on social media if you're not already, follow the
Speaker 1: podcast page dead asked the podcast and of course I'm Cadeen,
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout. And if you're listening
Speaker 1: on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1: Dead As dead Ass is a production of I Heart
Speaker 1: Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the
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