WEBVTT - “MY FAMILY DROPPED ME” 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:01.280 Hey, what's up man? What's your name? 0:00:02.000 --> 0:00:03.480 Peyton? How's going Miss Forever? 0:00:04.120 --> 0:00:07.280 Uh, Peyton, It's going actually pretty okay. 0:00:07.280 --> 0:00:07.480 Man. 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:09.960 I know I've been talking a lot on here about 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:15.400 being insane, but you know, today today I feel less insane. 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:17.040 I don't know what it is. I think it's about. 0:00:18.320 --> 0:00:18.680 I don't know. 0:00:18.720 --> 0:00:22.200 I kind of got off my procrastination a little bit today. 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:27.560 I cleaned my room, I reoriented myself. I fucking I 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:32.879 feel like by myself a little bit more today than 0:00:32.880 --> 0:00:38.520 I have in the past month or so. So that's good. 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:43.920 I've I've convinced myself that everything's gonna be okay. I 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:45.000 don't need to freak out. 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:46.559 I was. 0:00:46.640 --> 0:00:46.960 I was. 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:49.720 I was stuck in a bit of a loop about 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:53.920 like I tell me if this is crazy to you, 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:57.319 if I'm talking crazy, but like you ever like look 0:00:57.360 --> 0:00:59.560 at a mirror and you're like, what am I? What 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:02.480 is the or like you get you get? 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:03.160 You ever? Get? 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:03.560 You ever? Go on? 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:05.000 You ever go on to like you know, you know 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:08.039 that spiral that you can go down of. Like what 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:13.679 am I experiencing right now in terms of just like consciousness? 0:01:13.720 --> 0:01:18.960 Like what the hell am I experiencing right now? As 0:01:19.000 --> 0:01:23.399 a conscious human being. This is the most fucking psychedelic, 0:01:23.520 --> 0:01:27.760 insane thing, you know, I don't. You know what's funny 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:29.399 is I'm talking to you about it right now, but 0:01:29.440 --> 0:01:31.640 I don't. I don't in this moment, in this in 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:34.360 this moment, I don't feel it, you know what I mean? 0:01:34.880 --> 0:01:38.560 This past weekend, when I was really fucking depressed and 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:44.120 really fucking spiraling, I was like feeling that. And it's 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:53.280 a crazy intense thing to really be feeling because because 0:01:53.280 --> 0:01:55.840 when you're feeling it, right, and then you look around 0:01:55.880 --> 0:01:59.080 at everyone else who's not feeling it, uh, and you know, 0:01:59.800 --> 0:02:03.520 like or like you're on Instagram and someone's posting about like, uh, 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:06.440 you know, oh check it out the trailer for the 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:09.480 news Star Wars whatever, and you're just like, do you understand? 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:11.680 Do you have any idea? How does how is everyone 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:13.519 not freaking out all the time? 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:14.200 You know? 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:18.480 How does society not How are we as conscious beings 0:02:18.480 --> 0:02:23.200 not questioning this and letting this completely run our lives 0:02:23.200 --> 0:02:26.160 at all time? And That's how I felt when I 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:27.960 was in it. And now as I'm talking to you, 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:30.960 I don't even feel in that right now. I just 0:02:31.000 --> 0:02:34.640 feel kind of normal. And now I just think at 0:02:34.639 --> 0:02:37.120 the other end, it's like, no, the guy he's like 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:40.240 the guy on this the schizophrenic guy on the street 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:44.280 who is arguing about consciousness and saying things are like, 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:48.080 you know, talking about like woo woo shit is probably right. 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:51.880 But also in a way, you know, the guy who's like, 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:56.400 let's get dinner at this restaurant and then go home 0:02:56.480 --> 0:03:01.200 and watch White Lotus and then I'm gonna and then 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:04.480 I gotta go to work tomorrow and whatever, you know, 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:08.440 I don't whatever normal whatever normal life looks like. You know, 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:12.799 they're both right in some way. I think it's it's 0:03:12.919 --> 0:03:19.840 terrifying to really feel deep in your own existential questioning. 0:03:19.960 --> 0:03:23.200 It's to really be like, what the fuck am I? 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:28.360 What the fuck is this is? There's a tremendous sadness 0:03:28.400 --> 0:03:32.960 and fear and uncertainty that is inherent to every human 0:03:33.120 --> 0:03:36.840 life by nature of the fact that, uh, we die 0:03:36.960 --> 0:03:39.360 and what what the hell we're experiencing ends and we're 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:41.440 never going to actually have answers to all these questions. 0:03:41.640 --> 0:03:44.800 And it's nobody escapes from that. Whether you're rich or 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:47.600 you're poor, or you're born new whatever, you never escape 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:51.280 from that. And when you're really in it. It drives 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:53.960 you insane that other people are not. Like It's like 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:56.240 you're in like a war or something, and the guy 0:03:56.360 --> 0:03:59.680 next to you is like filing his nails and you're like, 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:02.320 what how not seeing all this? Are you insane? Anyway? 0:04:02.400 --> 0:04:04.480 But I feel actually okay by the way that whole 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:06.720 I just want you to know, that whole rant, aside, 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:10.440 that whole ranch, aside, that whole rant, is exactly how 0:04:10.480 --> 0:04:12.640 I have been feeling for the past three days. But 0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:16.760 in this very moment, I actually feel pretty good. So no, 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:17.760 that's good, man. 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:21.240 And the great thing about that, about the extra trying 0:04:21.279 --> 0:04:22.800 to say something for that rant, man, is that the 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:24.640 best thing you do, man, is really only you can 0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:28.279 really answer that right, Like I said, like it's a 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:30.800 it's a it's a extrace of you looking in the 0:04:30.800 --> 0:04:33.039 mirroratives you know, not anybody else is gonna know anything 0:04:33.040 --> 0:04:37.479 else about it. So m but uh no, Man, I'll 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:41.040 call to talk to you today about mister Trevor is 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:46.040 a man. Ah. I feel unique, right, We all feel unique. 0:04:46.080 --> 0:04:48.600 Like you said, you feel unique in your own crisis, 0:04:48.640 --> 0:04:52.279 and my crisis more or less is uh Man, I 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:54.880 have a weird thing going on. I'm a thirty two 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:57.159 year old male man, and uh, I just feel like, 0:04:57.800 --> 0:05:02.040 at the end of the day, uh, man, being alone 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:04.440 is kind of weird. But I have a special exception. 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:09.440 I'm hated on both sides of my family for something 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:16.640 that I don't know. I've had a really bad ADHD 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:20.080 so I was a kid man, and me being alone, 0:05:20.520 --> 0:05:23.400 separated with my mother from all my family probably didn't 0:05:23.400 --> 0:05:25.640 help a lot of that when I was young, and 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:30.720 I've met my cousins here later on in my life, 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:33.000 twenty years later in my life for me being that 0:05:33.320 --> 0:05:36.920 and man, I don't really have a lot of people 0:05:36.920 --> 0:05:39.919 to talk to me being an older child, and like 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.240 I said, me being with my mom doesn't really help 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:44.840 that a lot. Man. I think that's a big case 0:05:44.880 --> 0:05:47.839 of a unique case of I guess you say Stockholm syndrome. 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:51.520 I guess not saying that my mom was abusing me, 0:05:51.680 --> 0:05:55.080 but me only being with my mother for twenty plus 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:57.960 years of my life and not knowing any other family 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:01.919 or friends right didn't really help my my my my 0:06:02.040 --> 0:06:04.880 social anxiety or that of ades, and on top of 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:09.880 that ac ades a lot of depressions. So uh, with that, man, 0:06:09.960 --> 0:06:14.400 I just I hate I hate myself a lot for 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:18.760 that because uh, I guess I didn't really find out 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:23.240 any other avenues or things that could have could have 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:25.520 helped me, right, And it's not to say that I 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:27.640 wasn't reaching or trying to go to other people, and 0:06:27.920 --> 0:06:31.120 eventually I did at some point, right, but uh uh, 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:34.240 like you said, man, looking yourself and seeing in that mirror, 0:06:34.240 --> 0:06:39.240 man is is uh is quite h depth defined. I 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:41.600 guess you could say, Uh, I guess to that point, 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:45.800 and uh, man, I don't uh, I don't know how 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:48.400 to help myself for help any way to get out 0:06:48.400 --> 0:06:49.320 of that. 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:53.680 Well, well, lets well listen, listen, listen. I have I 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:57.600 actually have tons of questions, uh for you, and I 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:00.279 actually genuinely I would love to talk to you about this. 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:03.200 I want to just kind of first preface by saying, 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:06.960 as you know, I am not a real therapist. I 0:07:07.000 --> 0:07:10.280 am an insane man in a gecko costume. I'm curious. 0:07:10.720 --> 0:07:12.280 I actually do want to talk to you about this 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:13.800 because I have I have a lot of questions and 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:15.920 you seem like a cool guy and I'm down to 0:07:15.960 --> 0:07:18.840 talk to you. But I want to know have you 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:22.640 spoken to a real therapist about this? And if you 0:07:22.680 --> 0:07:23.400 have what do they say. 0:07:24.600 --> 0:07:27.360 Uh No, I haven't actually spoke a real therapist about 0:07:27.360 --> 0:07:32.600 this because because man, well I'm low income. I don't 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.440 have a lot of income and stuff like that to 0:07:35.520 --> 0:07:38.080 actually go to see therapy and stuff like that. Man. 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.880 So I've tried to talk to my family, and well, 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:43.160 you know, as I told you, man, both, a lot 0:07:43.200 --> 0:07:45.120 of my family they hate me for something in the 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:49.520 past that I cannot explain or don't don't even don't 0:07:49.520 --> 0:07:52.040 even know myself for what I did. Right, I've had 0:07:52.120 --> 0:07:56.240 very limited, very I've had very limited contact with my family. 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:58.120 So and I guess in the moments that I've had 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:00.720 contact with them, they don't want do anything with me 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:03.640 or or even accept me. 0:08:03.800 --> 0:08:06.160 So okay, all right, well okay, so let me say 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:09.320 this is you know, yeah, look, I know it's hard 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:10.840 to get I know, I know it can be like 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:13.960 fucking expensive and annoying to talk to a real therapist. 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:16.560 I do believe that you should. Fuck I think there's 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:18.920 ways that you can like go to like a college 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:22.160 campus to talk to a therapist for free. This one's 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:24.800 kind of controversial, but I do it. It's uh, I 0:08:24.880 --> 0:08:28.040 use chat GBT as a therapist. A lot of the time. 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:30.000 I don't know where that leads. I don't know if 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:32.960 they're taking my deepest, darkest personal things and using it 0:08:33.000 --> 0:08:35.800 to selling it to Amazon. I do not know. That 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:37.880 could totally possibly be happening. That's just what I do. 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:41.880 But all right, anyway, you know what, look, man, let's 0:08:41.920 --> 0:08:45.960 let's let's okay. I'm curious about a few things. And 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:47.800 again you stuck to real therapists about this. But I 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:50.600 guess in the meantime, we can as as as your homie, 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:51.480 we can just chit chat. 0:08:52.240 --> 0:08:53.240 Yeah. 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:55.640 What so did your family drop you all at once? 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:57.480 Or was this like a gradual thing? 0:08:58.679 --> 0:09:02.800 This is like a gradual thing, I guess from what 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:05.040 I told, man, because, uh, you know what's weird, man, 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:08.640 because I could just share this, Man, about two years ago, 0:09:08.960 --> 0:09:11.439 I was having surgery. I was getting my I had 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:14.040 some stomach issues and I did have my stomach pumped 0:09:14.080 --> 0:09:18.400 and I had to have my gallbladder removed. But man, 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:22.360 I haven't seen my grandma since then, since like my 0:09:22.360 --> 0:09:25.760 my high school graduation, right, had I hadn't seen her since? 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:25.960 Right? 0:09:26.040 --> 0:09:27.680 She just comes out of the blue and she's like, hey, 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:29.760 She's like, you know, I could take you to your surgery. 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:31.880 You know, I haven't really been there in your life, right, 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:36.960 And uh, it's funny, man, I was coming out, I 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:39.840 was coming out of surgery, and she sat there with me, 0:09:39.880 --> 0:09:41.360 and we sat there for a couple hours. She just 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:43.520 wanted to make sure I was okay to recuperate after surgery, 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:46.440 and she was like, hey, she was like, I am 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:50.480 very sorry about everything that's happened towards you. Right. She 0:09:50.600 --> 0:09:53.320 was like, I look at you now, and I think 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:58.080 we were wrong about judging you as a kid, right, 0:09:58.160 --> 0:10:00.480 because we didn't know how you would turn out, and 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:03.280 you turned out to be an awesome person. It's just 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:06.560 that you don't seem as bright because of how we 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:09.080 treated you. And I just want to say, on the 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.320 on the whim of another man, right, It's basically how 0:10:12.400 --> 0:10:15.920 she put it. And she was like for that, I'm sorry, 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:19.880 and she like dropped me off of my house afterwards, right, 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:24.640 And uh, I guess, I guess, man, like, like, uh 0:10:25.160 --> 0:10:27.720 it kind of at the time I was really drugged up. 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:30.640 But at the time, man, I could just remember that much. Man, 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:33.680 And he didn't shake me to my core until like, 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:36.439 I don't know, I guess later that year, right when 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:40.840 upon me remembering it. So I don't know, man, Like 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:44.640 I don't even know where I was going with that, honestly, 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:46.160 I guess. 0:10:47.320 --> 0:10:50.320 Well, okay, So so from from what you were telling 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:52.400 me earlier, I guess what I understand is that you 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:57.280 felt like growing up and like even like into your 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:01.480 twenties and shit, you were isolated your mom and so 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:03.320 you just kind of had that relationship with your mom 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:06.360 and didn't really like have the opportunity, I guess, to 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:09.520 go out and have relationships with people outside of that. 0:11:09.600 --> 0:11:10.360 Is that what you were saying? 0:11:11.000 --> 0:11:12.439 Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:16.920 Interesting, It's this is a total aside, but you like 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:22.400 you seem like a confident guy just over the phone. 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:24.880 I don't know what it is. Do you feel confident? 0:11:25.000 --> 0:11:29.000 No, man, I mean I mean, if you want to know, man, recently, 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:33.839 man I had recently? Man, If I sound confident right now? Man, 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:37.880 it's the meds really good. Yeah. I finally got some 0:11:38.160 --> 0:11:42.600 medication about about two weeks ago. So you know, yeah, 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:44.960 so I'm coming in a better place now than I 0:11:45.040 --> 0:11:48.000 wasn't then. But you know, uh, right now, you know, 0:11:48.040 --> 0:11:48.880 the man's are kicking in. 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:50.840 So so all right, so you said you were like 0:11:50.920 --> 0:11:53.120 kind of like it was just you and your mom 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:54.600 for a while, but now you don't talk to any 0:11:54.640 --> 0:11:58.080 of your family? How how long ago? How many years 0:11:58.120 --> 0:12:00.199 ago did it stop being just you and your mom 0:12:00.280 --> 0:12:01.520 and it started being just you? 0:12:02.640 --> 0:12:05.280 Uh? Three years ago? Yeah, it started being in just me? 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:08.640 What are you do? You live in an apartment alone? 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:13.120 Yeah? Yeah, okay, yeah I live in an apartment alone. 0:12:13.559 --> 0:12:14.120 Can I ask what? 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:14.880 Uh? 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:16.800 You don't have to, don't give me your fucking address, 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:18.360 but like what state or city? 0:12:19.240 --> 0:12:20.199 Uh? Texas? 0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:20.960 Cool? 0:12:21.200 --> 0:12:21.600 All right? 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:23.640 Cool? Cool? And do you work? 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:26.800 Yeah? I'll work currently on the work now, I'm on 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:27.800 my break. 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:32.600 This word and I guess your main problem you're telling 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:33.880 me is like, is like isolation. 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:38.320 Yeah, it's isolation. Man like, it sucks, man Like. Imagine 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:43.160 having ADHD man, you know, and being by yourself. You know, Uh, 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:47.280 it could be very challenging. You know, things that things 0:12:47.320 --> 0:12:51.000 that don't excite you bore you. And then that boring, 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:54.120 that boringness, that imptiness that I feel is not because 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.760 I want to feel that way, but it's like the ADHD. 0:12:56.800 --> 0:12:59.240 And then it just comes with like a very dark 0:12:59.280 --> 0:13:01.680 depression that the words and there's nothing really to perk 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:03.840 me up. Forever bring me out of that, because I 0:13:03.840 --> 0:13:07.680 don't have anything socially to spark me or something to 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:09.840 spark me to kind of bring that. Yeah, there's reading. 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:12.760 I could do gaming, right, but after a while, man, 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:15.160 you know those those things don't don't help you, like 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:19.719 like like socializing good, I guess and the top of 0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:23.280 all off man. To make it even further, man, like 0:13:24.080 --> 0:13:26.599 I met my dad when I was when I was 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:29.760 twenty four, right. That was because I didn't know him. 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:31.920 I didn't know anything about my dad till then. But 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:35.360 I met him when I was twenty four, man, And man, 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:39.280 it's crazy. When I met him, he was like, hey, man, 0:13:39.559 --> 0:13:43.280 Uh you know, God happened into my life. Right. He 0:13:43.360 --> 0:13:45.880 was like, God happened to me man, and and with you. 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:48.960 I want to make sure that you know because I 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.360 do have other brothers. I do have other siblings. Papa 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:53.120 was a roma stone just kind of give you a 0:13:53.160 --> 0:13:55.920 little back background, but he was like, man, I want 0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:58.160 to come back into your life man and make sure 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:02.360 that you're okay. Uh that go well yeah at all? 0:14:04.000 --> 0:14:05.080 Uh? 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:05.320 Well? 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:05.560 Uh. 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:08.040 Number one, he had a lot of troubles that he 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:12.200 was dealing with, right. Uh. In the main purpose of 0:14:12.720 --> 0:14:14.640 what what he was trying to do at the time 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:17.760 was trying to take me take him off of child support, 0:14:18.600 --> 0:14:21.200 right because he still hadn't had the time to pay it. 0:14:21.600 --> 0:14:24.120 And uh you know, uh, if I had to be 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:27.120 honest with you, uh it was like four other four 0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:29.720 other kids, right, he had to pay child support for. 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.680 So you know, being that guy and being in Texas 0:14:32.720 --> 0:14:34.960 your whole life, right, you know, that can very much 0:14:35.000 --> 0:14:36.840 add up, and he's trying to pay it all back. 0:14:37.480 --> 0:14:40.240 So uh so his his biggest his biggest progative or 0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:42.840 his biggest goal. Man was like a man like, let's 0:14:42.840 --> 0:14:47.120 not let's not. Uh, let's not try to pay this man. 0:14:47.160 --> 0:14:49.520 You know, I got into your life, you know for 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:51.520 about a two months. Man, can you tell your mom 0:14:51.560 --> 0:14:53.480 to take me up? Child support? Was his biggest thing. Man. 0:14:53.560 --> 0:14:55.960 I was like, my doggar can't can't ask that. Man. 0:14:56.080 --> 0:14:59.200 My mom doesn't want to talk to you. So you know, 0:14:59.240 --> 0:15:01.320 you just you just what you're which you're what you 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:03.480 got to do man, And yeah, man, it just it 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:06.600 just seems like like I said, the reason why I'm I, uh, 0:15:07.160 --> 0:15:09.360 I appreciate you man, Like it it's really positive hearing 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:11.360 that man from you man saying now I sound like 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:15.440 a confident guy. I guess that comes from me being 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:19.240 uh uh the job that I've taken. 0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:22.040 Right, that's what's your what's your job? 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:23.280 Uh? 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:26.520 Right now I'm a security guard uh at a college campus, 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:29.960 which is pretty crazy that you uh uh but uh 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:32.480 manh yeah, I've been a salesman most of my life. 0:15:33.120 --> 0:15:35.600 So I guess that's where the talking and the confidence 0:15:35.680 --> 0:15:36.040 come from. 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:38.080 Okay, interesting, So you had a lot of like, uh, 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:40.040 I guess these these are would you consider both of 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:41.680 those to be people facing jobs? 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:44.200 Yes, yes, very much. 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:46.040 So okay, because. 0:15:45.840 --> 0:15:48.200 Yeah, you don't sound like talking to you. You don't 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.520 sound like you've been you know, locked in a room 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:53.160 for thirty two years. You sound like you know, to talk. 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:58.880 Yeah yeah, no no, uh like I said, uh, I 0:15:58.880 --> 0:16:01.040 haven't really gone to many play but like I said, 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:02.480 the places that I tend to do, man, I try 0:16:02.520 --> 0:16:04.560 to be try to be very proud about it, and 0:16:04.760 --> 0:16:07.840 you know, I try to be positive about things at first, 0:16:07.840 --> 0:16:09.480 like every know a human being. But man, it's just 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:10.880 you know, it does not always turn out like that. 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:11.600 I guess. 0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:14.200 So h, I mean, if we can talk about this, 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:20.400 so yeah, the whole like I'm I am no psychotherapist, 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:23.200 and I don't know anything about all these whatever, but 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:27.760 I I like the like ADHD. I I don't know 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:29.840 if I formally have ADHD, but I guess I have 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:32.640 some whatever the fuck ADHD. Definitely know I have some 0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:36.840 formal or not. I understand the feelings of ADHD and depression, 0:16:36.840 --> 0:16:39.560 and I understand everything you were just talking about of 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:42.560 like you get bored and you're boredom spirals into like 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:45.920 a crazy depression, and you know, all spirals into all 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:47.640 the ship. I was just ranting to you about the 0:16:47.640 --> 0:16:50.200 beginning of the call. I know what that feeling is. 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:51.280 Like, yeah, exactly. 0:16:54.320 --> 0:17:00.560 I have thoughts because I personally struggle with that feeling 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:03.520 and try to figure out how to fucking attack it. 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:07.760 And so you're you feel like completely is it? You 0:17:07.760 --> 0:17:09.720 feel completely isolated? Y You don't feel like you have 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:12.280 any you have like any friends or any family or 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:13.440 anyone that you know at all. 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:14.000 No. 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:16.159 Man, if someone will be honest with you, man, just 0:17:16.200 --> 0:17:18.119 tun this car Man just level which one hundred Man. 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:21.680 Sometimes Man, I just I want to die, man, because 0:17:21.720 --> 0:17:24.000 it's like as a as a thirty year old male 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:26.840 man with no friends or no real prerogative man, I'm 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:29.280 just trying trying to get it. Man. It just sucks, 0:17:30.320 --> 0:17:34.119 especially now in the USA. Right, Ris tax. 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:35.880 What's what's your what's your name again? 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:37.080 Peyton? 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:39.679 Peyton? And you live do you live in one of 0:17:39.680 --> 0:17:41.399 the near one of the near big city Peyton? 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.879 Uh, I used to live in Dallas, but right now, man, 0:17:45.880 --> 0:17:50.000 I'm currently closer off to Palestine. 0:17:50.000 --> 0:17:52.800 Right Falastine. Okay, do you have any do any hobbies? 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:53.960 Do you do you have any hobbies? Do you have 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:56.200 any like interests of any kind? 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:01.760 Yeah? Man? Uh uh for uh before I didn't have 0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:04.200 enough money to do it because I'm uh uh because 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:06.399 I'm diabetic. Man, I have to pay a lot for 0:18:06.400 --> 0:18:09.120 for that out of pocket. But uh, before that happened, Man, 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:10.760 I used to be a really big Uh. 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:11.240 I was. 0:18:11.320 --> 0:18:13.080 I was trying. I was trying to learn how to 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:17.000 code and getting into into to the PC life of things, man, 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:21.040 because Uh, basically I've been I've been a tech whiz, 0:18:21.080 --> 0:18:22.639 a little bit of a tech wiz my whole life. 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:26.440 So uh, getting things like I had to do man. Uh, 0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:28.000 you know the craziest thing I used to have to 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:31.000 do man as a kid man to pay for my lunch. Uh, 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:32.360 you remember lime Wire. 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:35.240 Yeah, you would you download music from lime Wire? 0:18:35.880 --> 0:18:37.680 Yeah? I would have a low music from lime Wire 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:40.520 and uh, kids where I was, where I used to 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:43.240 go to school at uh, they didn't have computers or 0:18:43.359 --> 0:18:47.200 like the availability to burn CDs. So I would like, uh, 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:49.520 every Friday, man, you know, because music would drop or 0:18:49.520 --> 0:18:53.240 a mixtape wer drop. I would burn CDs uh from 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:55.199 my lunch money, man, and try to like spread it 0:18:55.240 --> 0:18:57.840 out for as much as I can. Because I wasn't 0:18:57.880 --> 0:18:58.919 a gangster and nothing like that. 0:18:59.000 --> 0:18:59.119 Man. 0:18:59.160 --> 0:19:01.679 I couldn't like, you know, join a gang and be 0:19:01.800 --> 0:19:05.200 like ah, yeah, let me tell drugs or do things 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:06.720 like that. Man. I had to find out that happened 0:19:06.760 --> 0:19:08.879 us to do things. Man. So burning movies and CDs 0:19:08.880 --> 0:19:10.160 are like my big my biggest thing. 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:12.880 So let's okay, So let's I want to focus on 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:16.560 the isolation stuff. So what what's your day look like? 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:18.200 How How many hours a week are you work? 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:21.639 I'm at work at least twelve hours a. 0:19:21.680 --> 0:19:24.480 Day twelve oh shit, five days a week. 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:27.240 Yeah, five days a week, yes, sir, twelve. 0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:28.440 Hours a day, five days a week. Do you talk 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:30.600 to anyone at work? Do you have any coworkers that you. 0:19:30.680 --> 0:19:34.280 Like I had, I had a partner, but he recently 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:36.680