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Speaker 1: Today.

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Speaker 2: On the bright side, we're talking about building community and connection.

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Speaker 2: We have the brilliant author Pria Parker here to teach

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Speaker 2: us how to gather meaningfully.

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Speaker 3: She completely changed the gathering game for me.

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Speaker 1: It's Tuesday, March twenty sixth.

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Speaker 3: I'm Danielle Robe and I'm Simone Boyce and this is

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Speaker 3: the bright side from Hello, Sunshine, Vitamin D. We are

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Speaker 3: in the world. The bright side is real, people are listening.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 2: I figured out your nickname because you keep calling me

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Speaker 2: Sonny D or Vitamin D. Yeah, and you know what

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Speaker 2: rhyme's Simone B, Simone B.

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Speaker 3: I like it, Cinny B, Simmy. I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I'll work on it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe we need to workshop that one a little bit.

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Speaker 1: Simone is such a hot girl name. It's hard for

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Speaker 1: me to nickname you.

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Speaker 3: It's one of those names that is unnicknameable. It is

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Speaker 3: very hard to break down.

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Speaker 1: Your mom really did a good job with that one.

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Speaker 3: She did. I grew into my name. I like it.

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Speaker 2: Okay, how do you feel we birthed a podcast, baby, we.

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Speaker 3: Birthed the podcast, baby. I'm feeling good. You know. I

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Speaker 3: got a really sweet message from someone this morning who

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Speaker 3: was like I totally related to your comments on motherhood.

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Speaker 3: I get it. I'm right there in the trenches with you.

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Speaker 3: That kind of solidarity, that's the kind of community that

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Speaker 3: we want to build with this show.

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Speaker 1: Yeah that's really cool.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, how about you? How you feeling?

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Speaker 1: I feel the same.

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Speaker 2: I got a lot of really nice messages from people

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Speaker 2: saying that it made them happy, which is really the

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Speaker 2: goal of the show. What made me happy is my

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Speaker 2: mom sent me a text message saying the show was phenomenal.

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Speaker 2: And you know, she's my toughest critic, so she's now

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Speaker 2: our toughest critic.

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Speaker 3: She is because she's now following me on Instagram. We

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Speaker 3: are following each other.

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Speaker 1: So but she gave us two thumbs up.

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Speaker 4: Yay.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, thanks Deanna, Thank you girl.

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Speaker 1: Well, I guess let's jump into our show today.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, We've got a big show today, all right.

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Speaker 3: We got to start with a story that has been

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Speaker 3: weighing heavily on a lot of our minds right now,

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Speaker 3: and that is Kate Middle's health. So for those who

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Speaker 3: haven't kept up with everything that's been going on, we're

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Speaker 3: going to give you a quick recap. So there have

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Speaker 3: been months of speculation regarding Kate's whereabouts from media outlets,

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Speaker 3: TV shows, celebrities, and online blogs, and that started just

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Speaker 3: after December twenty fifth, because that was her last public

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Speaker 3: appearance before a planned abdominal surgery in January, and.

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Speaker 2: Then in February, a Palace source told people that Kate

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Speaker 2: Middleton was quote doing well in recovery.

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Speaker 1: But that's when the conspiracy theories began.

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Speaker 3: Yeah somewhere about the status of her marriage with Prince William,

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Speaker 3: others about botched plastic surgeries or medical procedures, but perhaps

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Speaker 3: the most wild conspiracy theories of all were that she's

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Speaker 3: no longer alive and photos and videos of her are

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Speaker 3: actually deep fakes. Now that, of course, was not helped

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Speaker 3: by a photoshopped photo of Princess Kate with her three

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Speaker 3: children and then almost immediately taken down after the associated

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Speaker 3: press questioned its authenticity. Kate later admitted to altering the

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Speaker 3: photo herself, and then at the beginning of March, Kate

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Speaker 3: was spotted for the first time since her surgery.

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Speaker 2: And on Friday, the Princess of Wales announced in a

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Speaker 2: video message that she'd been diagnosed with cancer and is

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Speaker 2: currently undergoing preventive chemotherapy. So I think the overarching feeling

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Speaker 2: most people had when they watched this was sadness. This

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Speaker 2: was so sad, and I think there's some confusion for

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Speaker 2: people too, because they don't know what to expect from

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Speaker 2: her because she's a public servant and a public person.

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Speaker 2: She's a figurehead, she's a celebrity. She mentioned the difficulty

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Speaker 2: of having to process the news as well as explaining

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Speaker 2: her condition to her three young children. That was the

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Speaker 2: hardest part for me to hear. I know you said

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Speaker 2: you felt really sad watching this too.

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Speaker 3: I feel so sad. My chest feels so heavy watching

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Speaker 3: all of this, because I'm just putting myself in her shoes.

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Speaker 3: It's already a lot to be a public figure in

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Speaker 3: her capacity, dealing with constant speculation, but then when you

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Speaker 3: have this huge news, this major life change where your

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Speaker 3: health is impacted, She's probably fearful about her her future.

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Speaker 3: She's trying to just explain that to her kids. Her

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Speaker 3: first priority is probably protecting her kids and her family,

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Speaker 3: and she can't even do that because we're all breathing

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Speaker 3: down her neck wanting answers. She doesn't owe us anything.

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Speaker 3: I guess you could argue that she does owe us

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Speaker 3: some sort of answer because of her position. But I

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Speaker 3: think what happened in the aftermath was completely inappropriate and

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Speaker 3: out of bounds.

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Speaker 2: It was hard to watch. The media was in a flurry.

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Speaker 2: Here's my personal perspective on it. I think that it's

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Speaker 2: best to share from the scar, not the wound. It's

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Speaker 2: really difficult to share a story while you're processing it,

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Speaker 2: and so in that respect, I'm totally with you. It

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Speaker 2: felt gut wrenching to watch that video. She didn't seem okay.

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Speaker 2: I think that people feel like she was bullied into

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Speaker 2: a statement because the conspiracy theories in the gossip was

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Speaker 2: a worst case scenario. On the flip side, she's a celebrity.

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Speaker 2: I covered celebrity news for years, and any crisis PR

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Speaker 2: expert will tell you that the MOO move every single

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Speaker 2: time is to get in front of it. They always say,

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Speaker 2: don't let someone else tell your story or spin the narrative.

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Speaker 1: You have to own your story.

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Speaker 2: Our first episode was literally write your own story. My

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Speaker 2: personal opinion is I think this could have been avoided.

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Speaker 2: I don't like what transpired, but I do think it

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Speaker 2: could have been avoided. I think that they could have

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Speaker 2: put out a statement saying we'll update you as we

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Speaker 2: know more and please respect our privacy. And instead, I

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Speaker 2: think they let the media and people on the internet

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Speaker 2: makeup and speculate what was going on, and it all

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Speaker 2: got really weird.

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Speaker 3: I love what you said about it's better to speak

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Speaker 3: from the scar and not the wound. Is that get

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Speaker 3: that right? That's yeah, that's beautiful and I think that's

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Speaker 3: so accurate. I take issue with people seemingly gleefully speculating

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Speaker 3: about what was going on.

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Speaker 1: There was a lot of that.

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Speaker 3: There was a lot of that, just like taking pleasure

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Speaker 3: in this woman's pain right now and ooh, let's figure

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Speaker 3: out what is the next you know, crazy conspiracy theory

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Speaker 3: that we can drum up around her whereabouts. That to

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Speaker 3: me is sickening. Okay, we want to just add a

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Speaker 3: little bright side button here. While the response to Kate's

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Speaker 3: health has been extremely disappointing, the news of Kate's cancer

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Speaker 3: diagnosis actually drove record traffic to McMillan Cancer Support, which

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Speaker 3: is a leading UK cancer charity. So we love to

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Speaker 3: see that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that is a bright side for sure, Okay, Simone, Yes, Simmy,

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Speaker 2: b I.

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Speaker 3: Don't know, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: We need to workshop it hot Girl, Simone. Do you

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Speaker 1: consider yourself a happy woman?

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Speaker 3: I do consider myself a happy woman.

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Speaker 2: If you were to rate one through ten on the

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Speaker 2: happiness scale, where are you?

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Speaker 1: Woo?

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Speaker 3: That's hard.

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Speaker 1: I mean you can't say seven.

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Speaker 3: Why is seven?

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Speaker 2: Because it's like a middle ground answer and it's it's

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Speaker 2: a cop out.

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Speaker 3: I would I would say, I would say today maybe

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Speaker 3: an eight.

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Speaker 1: That's pretty good.

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Speaker 3: That's pretty good for today. How about you? Do you

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Speaker 3: consider yourself a happy woman?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 5: I do.

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Speaker 2: I wake up. I'm like an eternally optimistic person. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: my happiness fluctuates, but and the job doesn't. Yeah. I

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Speaker 2: think we were both hired because we're optimistic. But I

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Speaker 2: recently saw an article on the every Girl and they

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Speaker 2: say there are five traits that the happiest women in

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Speaker 2: the world all have in common. So I want to

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Speaker 2: go through them with you and see how we both rank. Okay,

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Speaker 2: the first is they say no to things that don't

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Speaker 2: bring them joy.

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Speaker 3: Yes, which is hard for us. A lot of us

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Speaker 3: have been conditioned to do the opposite.

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Speaker 1: So I'm from Chicago in the Midwest.

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Speaker 2: You just say yes all the time, Like do you

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Speaker 2: want to drive someone to the airport? Even though it's

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Speaker 2: during rush hour traffic. Yeah, of course you do.

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Speaker 1: So I had to unlearn this a lot.

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Speaker 2: The only caveat I have to this is I think

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Speaker 2: that our world in a lot of ways had like

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Speaker 2: the Internet at least. The discourse is do only things

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Speaker 2: that bring you joy? And I don't believe in that

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Speaker 2: because there's like short term joy and long term joy. So,

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Speaker 2: for instance, do I want to go to another bridal shower?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 2: In the short term, absolutely not. Do I value that friendship?

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Speaker 2: Does that bring me joy?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's a good distinction.

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Speaker 1: Okay. Number two, They prioritize their health.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, got to health is wealth, Health is happiness.

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Speaker 1: Well, what do you do to prioritize your health?

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Speaker 3: Oh? My gosh. I work out probably like four to

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Speaker 3: five times a week. I pretty good. I try to

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Speaker 3: be mindful of what I'm eating. I try to have

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Speaker 3: balanced meals. I get a lot of protein in I'm

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Speaker 3: kind of like, I'm a wellness girl. I'm a wellness junkie.

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Speaker 1: So are Yeah, you dive deep into it too.

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Speaker 3: I do. I love me some wellness science.

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Speaker 2: I'm a sleepy girl, and if I don't get my sleep,

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Speaker 2: I am useless to everybody, including myself. So for me,

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Speaker 2: that is the number one thing on the health radar,

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Speaker 2: and I am my word for the I do a

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Speaker 2: word every single year. At New Year's my word for

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Speaker 2: the year was discipline. And I was really undisciplined with

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Speaker 2: my workouts last year and it decreased my happiness. So

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Speaker 2: now I'm trying to work out three to five times

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Speaker 2: a week and be a disciplined wellness girl.

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Speaker 3: Nice. How's it going.

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Speaker 1: I'm getting three in. That's good, I'm not getting five.

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Speaker 3: Well. Here's the thing about wellness. I think we tend

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Speaker 3: to think of it as an all or nothing game,

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Speaker 3: like a zero sum game, but there's so much there's

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Speaker 3: so many benefits in the in between. If you get

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Speaker 3: twenty minutes in as opposed to zero minutes in, you're

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Speaker 3: way better off.

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Speaker 2: Okay, number three they don't take things personally? Do you

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Speaker 2: take things personally?

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Speaker 3: Sometimes it depends no.

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Speaker 1: One can see you. But you really had to think

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Speaker 1: about that one.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I was like, I don't know that that one's

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Speaker 3: for me?

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Speaker 1: Why not?

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Speaker 3: You know what's interesting. I think of myself as a

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Speaker 3: resilient person, but I do still take some things personally.

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Speaker 1: So that's only natural.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm only human people.

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Speaker 1: It's natural to take things personally.

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Speaker 3: How about you? Do you take things personally?

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Speaker 2: This one I'm pretty good at. And it's this changed

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Speaker 2: my life. My friend in college said this to me

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Speaker 2: because I lived with four other girls and we had

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Speaker 2: this one roommate who would always like try on outfits

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Speaker 2: and then she'd be like, oh, I can't wear this,

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Speaker 2: So because I wore this last Thursday, and my friend,

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Speaker 2: my friend Julia from college would always be like, nobody

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Speaker 2: remembers what you wore last Thursday because they're all obsessed

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Speaker 2: with what they wore last Thursday.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And so the idea of like everybody is so obsessed

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Speaker 2: with themselves they're not thinking about you, yes, really helps.

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Speaker 1: Me not take things personally.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, totally.

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Speaker 1: Number four they confront their problems.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. I think you have to confront your problems in

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Speaker 3: order to change. And action is the path out of despair.

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Speaker 3: So you have to take action.

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Speaker 2: I feel like you can run, but you eventually run

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Speaker 2: into yourself again, so you got.

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Speaker 3: To face them totally.

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Speaker 2: And number five is they don't compete with anyone but themselves.

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Speaker 3: That's a good one. Yeah. I had to make that

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Speaker 3: mindset shift in my career, I would say that I

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Speaker 3: made that shift, probably not until I turned thirty. I

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Speaker 3: think it took me a long time.

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Speaker 1: What happened at thirty, I.

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Speaker 3: Think I became women. According to the research, women gain

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Speaker 3: more confidence as we get older, but for men, their

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Speaker 3: confidence declines no way they get older. Yeah, so I

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Speaker 3: think it just starts to come more naturally, Like you

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Speaker 3: become more confident, you become more aware of your strengths

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Speaker 3: and and also you lean into those and you lean

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Speaker 3: into the factors that differentiate you from your perceived competition.

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Speaker 3: And I think that's the best way to think about it.

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Speaker 2: I love that staff because women do get better as

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Speaker 2: they get older, and the cultural perception, like the they're

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Speaker 2: always telling us we don't, except for we really do,

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Speaker 2: which is so great.

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Speaker 3: Totally. Okay, we're going to take a quick break, and

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Speaker 3: when we get back, author Mediator and reigning authority on gatherings,

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Speaker 3: Priya Parker stops by to talk about the power of

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Speaker 3: a really good gathering. We're back, y'all. I'm Simone Boyce. Listen,

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Speaker 3: Brightside besties. We're a new show here. Okay, we're just

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Speaker 3: getting started. And as Danielle and I begin our journey.

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Speaker 3: As hosts, we want to make sure we're creating a

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Speaker 3: meaningful and intentional space for our listeners and guests on

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Speaker 3: the show. And lucky for us, today's guest is an

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Speaker 3: ex bert in just.

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Speaker 2: That, we're talking with Priya Parker. She's an expert in

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Speaker 2: gathering and creating community, and she's the author of the

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Speaker 2: book The Art of Gathering, How We Meet and Why

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Speaker 2: It Matters.

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Speaker 3: Pria is here to show us how to make every

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Speaker 3: gathering transformative, whether it's a big birthday party or just

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Speaker 3: a small zoom call. She's nothing short of magical people,

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Speaker 3: and she is here to share her wisdom with us.

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Speaker 2: That's right, Pria Parker, welcome to the bright Side. We're

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Speaker 2: so excited to have you here.

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Speaker 4: Thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 2: So we want to take a page out of your book,

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Speaker 2: The Art of Gathering. We're both big Prea Parker fans Ouche.

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Speaker 2: We've read the book and we want to name our

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Speaker 2: intention for the conversation today. So we were thinking that

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Speaker 2: our intention is to learn how to build community for

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Speaker 2: a podcast in a meaningful and joyful way.

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Speaker 1: Ooh, I like the class, Kay, we.

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Speaker 3: Got some applause right side Bessies.

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Speaker 2: Can you please share with us why setting an intention

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Speaker 2: before gathering is so important.

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Speaker 5: The biggest mistake we make when we gather is we

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Speaker 5: assume that the purpose is obvious and shared. Oh, I

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Speaker 5: know what a podcast is, I know what a wedding is,

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Speaker 5: I know what a funeral is, I know what a

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Speaker 5: staff meeting is. And when we don't actually pause to

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Speaker 5: ask why are we doing this?

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Speaker 4: What is the purpose? What does the purpose of this podcast?

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Speaker 5: With all of the million of podcasts in the world,

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Speaker 5: what is it that we are uniquely trying to do?

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Speaker 5: We tend to then replicate forms that may not make

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Speaker 5: sense for this community or for these hosts. And so

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Speaker 5: setting an attention and actually thinking well ahead of the gathering,

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Speaker 5: why am I doing this? What is the need? How

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Speaker 5: do I want to spend this time? Allows you to

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Speaker 5: then make decisions and be imaginative about what that time

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Speaker 5: actually looks like and feels like, and helps you make

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Speaker 5: practical decisions to.

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Speaker 4: Get you there.

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Speaker 3: So in your book you write that the first five

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Speaker 3: minutes of any gathering are critical, and there's actually a

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Speaker 3: lot of research that backs that up, and I love

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Speaker 3: what you wrote about it. You say your opening needs

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Speaker 3: to be a kind of pleasant shock therapy. It should

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Speaker 3: grab people, and in grabbing them, it should both awe

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Speaker 3: the guests and honor them. So how do we create

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Speaker 3: significant openings? And why are opening so important?

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Speaker 4: We are all part.

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Speaker 5: Of different communities, and I think of a gathering as

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Speaker 5: a temporary alternative world, whether that is a mosh pit

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Speaker 5: or a rave, or a bagel brunch or a protest.

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Speaker 5: And in order to create that temporary world and invite

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Speaker 5: people into it, you need to prepare them so they

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Speaker 5: know what they're signing up for and they can be

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Speaker 5: successful in that world. But you need to also usher

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Speaker 5: them into that world. And very specifically, all of these

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Speaker 5: studies show that the first five percent of an experience

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Speaker 5: kind of set the pathway for everything else. And so literally,

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Speaker 5: whether it's in person or virtual, if everybody's entering that

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Speaker 5: space and asking do I belong here?

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Speaker 4: Are these people?

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Speaker 3: Well?

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Speaker 4: Did I wear the right thing?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: Can I show my tattoos?

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Speaker 2: Like?

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Speaker 4: You know, do I need to get a tattoo?

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 4: Who are these people?

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Speaker 5: And the best gatherers, the best hosts, understand that you're

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Speaker 5: hosting from that moment of entry, and they do a

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Speaker 5: really good job of welcoming people of literally saying hello.

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Speaker 5: And the way in which people choose to share what

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Speaker 5: risks they take is fundamentally related to whether or not

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Speaker 5: they feel like they belong there and that they're wanted there.

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Speaker 4: And it is not rocket science, but it is intentional.

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Speaker 3: So that social anxiety that you mentioned is so real.

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Speaker 3: We've all felt that where you walk into a party

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Speaker 3: you don't know too many people. What's a practical tip

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Speaker 3: that we can use in order to kind of massage

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Speaker 3: some of that social anxiety that happens whenever you step

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Speaker 3: into a gathering as a host.

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Speaker 4: What can we do so in the art of gathering?

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Speaker 5: I interviewed over one hundred different types of gatherers from

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Speaker 5: all walks of life. Choir conductors, hockey coaches, party planners,

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Speaker 5: professors that students love every year and ask, you know,

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Speaker 5: what is it that they're doing that is so transformative?

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Speaker 5: And one of the people I interviewed is a guy

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Speaker 5: named Anthony Rocco and he is an underground party planner

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Speaker 5: and he would create these secret events for new members

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Speaker 5: to get to know each other. And this is one

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Speaker 5: of the things he would do in order to design

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Speaker 5: a welcoming space Basically he had people enter and he'd

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Speaker 5: welcome them and he'd say, you know, make yourself at home.

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Speaker 5: Drinks are in the back. There's only one rule. You

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Speaker 5: can't serve yourself a drink. You can serve anyone else

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Speaker 5: a drink, but you can't serve yourself a drink. That's

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Speaker 5: so fun and by literally just slightly shifting the norms

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Speaker 5: the rules, how do you basically help people feel like

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Speaker 5: this is something.

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Speaker 4: That they want to be a part of.

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Speaker 5: And the last thing I'll say is you can help

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Speaker 5: people really feel that way, actually not only at the

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Speaker 5: moment they entered the room with a zoom, but actually

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Speaker 5: an invitation. The invitation is the first moment to create

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Speaker 5: a sense of belonging, of comfort, of ease, and we

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Speaker 5: tend to just think that they're carrier's logistics.

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Speaker 3: Priya, you have completely changed the way that I host

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Speaker 3: Now whenever I'm throwing a party, I try to preify it.

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Speaker 3: I try to think what would Pria do? So I

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Speaker 3: tried your method recently when I hosted a dinner party

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Speaker 3: and I opened it with a short speech about what

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Speaker 3: my friends mean to me. We answered these table questions

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Speaker 3: that facilitated a really vulnerable and candid and funny discussion.

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Speaker 3: And at the end of the night, everyone was just beaming.

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Speaker 3: You could just feel the energy in the magic in

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Speaker 3: the room. And this is one of the texts that

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Speaker 3: I got. My friend said, my soul really needed that.

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Speaker 3: So all that to say, your method is truly transformative.

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Speaker 5: Thank you so much. That means so much to me.

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Speaker 5: And I think that's some level what you're learning to do,

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Speaker 5: you is make the implicit explicit.

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Speaker 4: You're turning up the meaning dial right, You're you're.

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Speaker 5: Sort of we tend to assume like, oh, people know

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Speaker 5: that I love them, right right, they know, And actually

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Speaker 5: so many of us are parched. It is so beautiful

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Speaker 5: to be able to water each other's gardens and in

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Speaker 5: these tiny ways to say this is what I see

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Speaker 5: in you, this is how I appreciate you, and then

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Speaker 5: to have that come back it's literally nourishing.

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Speaker 4: Oh I matter. Oh this is what they see me.

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Speaker 5: Oh, maybe I'll take a risk if they see me

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Speaker 5: that way, Maybe I will take this risk.

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Speaker 4: Maybe I will actually quit this job.

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Speaker 5: Maybe I will, you know, call my parents, who haven't

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Speaker 5: talked to it a long time. Wow, they see something

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Speaker 5: in me. It's and in modern life. We have to

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Speaker 5: invent these moments of tiny ritual.

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Speaker 2: Priya, I'm still a little bit unsure about how to

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Speaker 2: start from scratch and invent those moments ourselves. This is

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Speaker 2: just week one of our podcasts, and you're an expert,

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Speaker 2: especially in creating community online. How do we build our

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Speaker 2: community and have everybody feel invited and connected?

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Speaker 5: I think so often in our in our in person gatherings,

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Speaker 5: the role of the host, there's so much physicality that's

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Speaker 5: helping you.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 5: People are going under doorways, they're walking through hallways, they're

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Speaker 5: perhaps taking off their jacket, which is actually a moment

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Speaker 5: of transition, they're getting settled. And in a virtual gathering,

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Speaker 5: whether that's a zoom or whether it's a podcast, people

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Speaker 5: are doing all sorts of different things, and you actually

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Speaker 5: have to the role of the host is to create

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Speaker 5: a psychological togetherness.

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Speaker 4: And so what does that mean?

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Speaker 5: My advice to you would be to start with an

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Speaker 5: opening or beginning that feels authentic to you both. You're

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Speaker 5: kind of beginning this podcast both this week but also

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Speaker 5: in every single episode by gathering yourself, gathering your guest,

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Speaker 5: gathering your producers, which your listeners may not even hear

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Speaker 5: but they're part of this gathering and then gathering and

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Speaker 5: what welcoming your listeners. But the element to create a

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Speaker 5: shared experience is if you invite your guests to be

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Speaker 5: part of the same.

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Speaker 4: Ritual, and it should be.

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Speaker 5: It could be as simple as like three deep breaths

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Speaker 5: and you're just all taking it together and they can

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Speaker 5: do that and know where they want and so having

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Speaker 5: some opening ritual that allows each person to kind of

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Speaker 5: mark the day and say, I'm here even if I'm

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Speaker 5: walking in the park with my dog or i am

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Speaker 5: biking to work, I'm having a shared experience with you both.

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Speaker 1: Okay, besties, you heard Priya.

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Speaker 2: What could we all of us do together as an

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Speaker 2: opening ritual?

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Speaker 1: Send us your wildest ideas. I'm talking wild anything.

447
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,159
Speaker 2: And everything at Hello at the bright sidepodcast dot com

448
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,440
Speaker 2: and we might just try them out on air.

449
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,240
Speaker 1: Coming up after the break.

450
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,600
Speaker 2: How not to be like me the chill host with

451
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,920
Speaker 2: the not so chill gatherings.

452
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,080
Speaker 3: Pria, I want to talk about your background a little bit.

453
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,439
Speaker 3: So you actually have a background in conflict resolution and

454
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:13,320
Speaker 3: as a facilitator around race relations conversations on college campuses.

455
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:17,119
Speaker 3: So how did your work in conflict resolution teach you

456
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,679
Speaker 3: more about how to host more meaningful gatherings.

457
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,360
Speaker 4: It's core.

458
00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:29,280
Speaker 5: I'm biracial. I grew up in two households. My mother

459
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:32,639
Speaker 5: is Indian, my father's white American. And I'll maybe just

460
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,600
Speaker 5: go back to the story a little bit because it

461
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 5: actually deeply informs my convict resolution.

462
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,399
Speaker 4: I grew up in these two households.

463
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,359
Speaker 5: They divorced, and then they each remarried other people, and

464
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,480
Speaker 5: they had joint custody, and so I went back and

465
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,879
Speaker 5: forth between these two homes every two weeks. And that

466
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:52,000
Speaker 5: meant leaving my mother and stepfather's home, which was this Indian,

467
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:58,800
Speaker 5: British Buddhist, vegetarian, incense filled progressive household, and then travel

468
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,560
Speaker 5: one point four miles to my father and stepmother's home,

469
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:06,360
Speaker 5: which was and still is a white American, Evangelical, Christian, conservative,

470
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:11,639
Speaker 5: Republican household, meat eating, you know, softball playing household. And

471
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,639
Speaker 5: my husband often jokes it doesn't take a shrink to

472
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,800
Speaker 5: explain how pre I got into the field of conflict resolution.

473
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,680
Speaker 5: And so there's part of me that has always been

474
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,359
Speaker 5: very interested in many ways of being. And when I

475
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:28,600
Speaker 5: went to the University of Virginia and learned about this

476
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:33,040
Speaker 5: process called sustained dialogue. There, the first question I was

477
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 5: asked as a student was always what are you? And

478
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,320
Speaker 5: I learned very quickly and meant racially like what's my background?

479
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:43,000
Speaker 5: And long story short as a student, I started this

480
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,960
Speaker 5: program with other students and friends at the University of

481
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,200
Speaker 5: Virginia more than twenty years ago, and I learned from

482
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,040
Speaker 5: this guy named Hal Sanders a process called sustained dialogue,

483
00:22:54,240 --> 00:23:00,199
Speaker 5: and as facilitators, we were taught to hold conversations and

484
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,920
Speaker 5: create space for conversations that we didn't fully know how

485
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,359
Speaker 5: to have that often happened behind closed doors, that build trust.

486
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 5: We learned how to create moments of risk and safety

487
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,320
Speaker 5: and connection, like how do you set up a room

488
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,800
Speaker 5: so that people rip up the notes in their pocket

489
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 5: and say, you know what, I'm not going to say

490
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,480
Speaker 5: my prepared marks because I was really.

491
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,440
Speaker 4: Touched by what you said.

492
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,640
Speaker 5: And instead of giving their stump speech right like a

493
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:34,959
Speaker 5: PR PR publicist, they give a sprout speech with their

494
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,240
Speaker 5: voices shaking, and they say something that they're not even

495
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,520
Speaker 5: fully sure themselves they haven't spoken out before.

496
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:41,840
Speaker 4: And so the core of my.

497
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:46,080
Speaker 5: Work as a dialogue facilitator is actually helping people have

498
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,720
Speaker 5: the right conversations, the right groups, have the right conversations

499
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 5: and ask the right questions. To go back to your

500
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,040
Speaker 5: comment on questions, but contract resolution at some level is

501
00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:01,159
Speaker 5: the deep training to help people hold healthy heat and

502
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,680
Speaker 5: relevance and bring themselves to a conversation while still being

503
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:05,520
Speaker 5: curious to others.

504
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:10,719
Speaker 3: I am also a biracial woman, and so everything you're

505
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,720
Speaker 3: saying about that need for belonging and what it feels

506
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:18,480
Speaker 3: like to straddle to worlds that so deeply resonates with me.

507
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,520
Speaker 3: How do you think gatherings can help us build bridges

508
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:23,400
Speaker 3: between worlds?

509
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 5: You know, when I researched for the art of gathering,

510
00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:31,440
Speaker 5: one of the things I realized was, and maybe it's obvious,

511
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:36,040
Speaker 5: but it wasn't a ha to me, which is traditional communities,

512
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:42,600
Speaker 5: ancient communities, tribal communities in which people were born on

513
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,680
Speaker 5: the same plot of earth, they prayed to the same god,

514
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 5: they followed the same dietary restrictions, they had inherited ways

515
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:53,359
Speaker 5: of being.

516
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,960
Speaker 4: They know how to gather, they have shared.

517
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:59,520
Speaker 5: Ritual and in our modern life, in a diverse life

518
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,720
Speaker 5: where people like you and I and so many are

519
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:05,600
Speaker 5: biracial and bicultural and by religious where norms are breaking

520
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:09,040
Speaker 5: and shifting around who gets to wed and who is

521
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:12,520
Speaker 5: out in the workplace and what and we get to

522
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,680
Speaker 5: choose our friends and our faith and our God or

523
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 5: are not God. Basically, we no longer have shared ways,

524
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:26,760
Speaker 5: shared assumed ways of making ritual together, and in trying

525
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,439
Speaker 5: to not offend one another, we end up doing nothing.

526
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 5: And so modern gathering at the deepest level, it's not

527
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:39,639
Speaker 5: gathering around kin or belief. It's gathering around shared need

528
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:46,159
Speaker 5: and finding creative ways, innovative ways, life giving ways that

529
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,199
Speaker 5: help people create meaningful connection without all having to be

530
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,920
Speaker 5: the same, but still getting to temporarily have a shared experience.

531
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,679
Speaker 5: And it takes thought and it takes coordination, but it

532
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:58,160
Speaker 5: is absolutely possible.

533
00:25:58,720 --> 00:25:59,040
Speaker 3: Okay.

534
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:03,040
Speaker 2: So, ho is a huge part of gathering and our

535
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:07,879
Speaker 2: title now is quite literally podcast host. So can you

536
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,320
Speaker 2: describe what the role of a host is?

537
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,040
Speaker 4: I'm so glad you asked.

538
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:13,159
Speaker 3: So.

539
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:19,840
Speaker 5: A host is someone who should practice what I call

540
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:26,239
Speaker 5: generous authority. Generous authority is using your power for the

541
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:29,440
Speaker 5: good of the group, to help it achieve its purpose.

542
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,719
Speaker 5: And a good host has three roles. The first to

543
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,439
Speaker 5: connect your guests to each other in appropriate ways that

544
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,640
Speaker 5: are relevant to the purpose. The second is to protect

545
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,240
Speaker 5: your guests from each other.

546
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:45,280
Speaker 3: Right.

547
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 5: And if you're at a volunteer training and all of

548
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,680
Speaker 5: a sudden, one person is taking over the whole thing,

549
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 5: it's the role of the host to make sure that

550
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,159
Speaker 5: that person is not dominating the entire meeting.

551
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 1: Right.

552
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,640
Speaker 5: If you're hosting a party and there's one guest that's

553
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,119
Speaker 5: cornering all of your friends, it's the role.

554
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 4: The hosts to protect your guests.

555
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:02,040
Speaker 3: Right.

556
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 5: So we tend to think the only way to bring

557
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,680
Speaker 5: people together is to connect them, but there's also a

558
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:07,960
Speaker 5: lot of problems that happen when people come together, and

559
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:08,640
Speaker 5: so the role of.

560
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,120
Speaker 4: The host is how do you protect them?

561
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:10,440
Speaker 3: Right?

562
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,199
Speaker 5: And then finally to temporarily equalize your guests so that

563
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:16,480
Speaker 5: they feel like they belong here. Mmmm.

564
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:21,040
Speaker 2: You know, when I read your book, I realized I

565
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,119
Speaker 2: was the chill host.

566
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,640
Speaker 1: I was the worst host you could possibly have.

567
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 2: For everybody who hasn't read the book yet, it's the

568
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,840
Speaker 2: host who doesn't put out place cards or name cards.

569
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,679
Speaker 2: It's the host who doesn't say you should wear this

570
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,520
Speaker 2: or that, just come in whatever. And I thought that

571
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,560
Speaker 2: I was relinquishing power because I was like, who cares

572
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:44,120
Speaker 2: just come as you are, but you actually say that

573
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,240
Speaker 2: you need rules, you need boundaries.

574
00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: Why is that?

575
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,359
Speaker 5: What I mean by that is we tend in many

576
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:56,359
Speaker 5: places to think by letting our guests be, we're giving

577
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:59,879
Speaker 5: them a good time. And that is certainly sometimes the case.

578
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:01,800
Speaker 5: If you're listening to this and you have a group

579
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,680
Speaker 5: of friends and you love the way you hang out,

580
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,800
Speaker 5: keep doing that. You're lucky, right if you feel like, oh,

581
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,919
Speaker 5: I love my people and we are good like God bless.

582
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 4: This is really about for those.

583
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 5: Moments where you're wanting to really up the ante, up

584
00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:18,640
Speaker 5: the meaning factor, up the sense of connection.

585
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,880
Speaker 4: And also particularly when people don't know.

586
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:25,600
Speaker 5: Each other, because basically gathering is about connection, but it's

587
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 5: also about power. And if you don't give some kind

588
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,960
Speaker 5: of guidance as to either what is this for, or

589
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 5: give some kind of common shared context, someone else's kind

590
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,120
Speaker 5: of come up and do it for you.

591
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 4: People just need a little bit of shared.

592
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:41,320
Speaker 5: Context to connect to banter, to have a way into

593
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:45,680
Speaker 5: each other. And the really good host finds just enough structure.

594
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,719
Speaker 5: It doesn't need to be place cars necessarily, but just

595
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 5: enough structure and no more to help the group take off.

596
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 3: Kria, you have left us with so many incredible insights

597
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 3: about gathering. We talked about some of the mistakes people

598
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 3: commonly make, so not setting a clear intention, not having

599
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:06,280
Speaker 3: enough structure, not using generous authority. Is there one more

600
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 3: major faux pas that we tend to do with hosting

601
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 3: and gathering that you want to leave us with today?

602
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:14,800
Speaker 5: I might reframe the faux pas in part because part

603
00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,400
Speaker 5: of what this work is is it's a realization that

604
00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:20,480
Speaker 5: we don't really know how to do this anymore. We're

605
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:26,200
Speaker 5: writing our own rules, and if anything, the invitation is

606
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:29,480
Speaker 5: to think deeply to ask how do I want to

607
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 5: spend my time? And like host gatherings that you're like,

608
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,840
Speaker 5: oh my gosh, I want to go to that? Yeah, right,

609
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 5: I want to go. If you're dreading something that's data,

610
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:40,320
Speaker 5: you think about, okay, so what is it that I

611
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:43,240
Speaker 5: want to do? And so instead of thinking about there's

612
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 5: like a wrong or a right way to do, this

613
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,760
Speaker 5: is just literally is an invitation to start paying more attention.

614
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:52,800
Speaker 5: And if this all feels totally overwhelming, my deepest advice

615
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 5: to you is to start thinking about how to be

616
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,720
Speaker 5: a better guest. Guests have a lot of power and

617
00:29:58,800 --> 00:29:59,920
Speaker 5: gatherings they can shift.

618
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:01,600
Speaker 4: You can feel when people are disengaged.

619
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,520
Speaker 5: You can feel, you know, like you send out an

620
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,760
Speaker 5: email and like the one friend right, Sonjay is.

621
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 3: Like I'll be there.

622
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 4: I can't wait. How can I help? And you're like,

623
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 4: thank you, Sonjay?

624
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 3: Right?

625
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,480
Speaker 4: Yes, right, be either an.

626
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 5: Enthusiastic yes or a connected no. Thank you so much

627
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,560
Speaker 5: for the invitation. I can't make it. I love that

628
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 5: you're doing this. I'm so grateful that you thought of me.

629
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,959
Speaker 2: It's like the person at the wedding who like is

630
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:26,320
Speaker 2: the first to the dance floor.

631
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:29,080
Speaker 1: The people that are getting married are like, thank you.

632
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 4: Exactly.

633
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,680
Speaker 5: How do you practice being a generous guest? How do

634
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,280
Speaker 5: you help people? And then how you be intentional about

635
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 5: what you would attend when we choose, how we spend

636
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 5: our time also, and when we choose, and that doesn't

637
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 5: mean not to have any obligation, we also come in

638
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 5: with a lot more energy.

639
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 3: That is the perfect note to end our conversation with

640
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:51,840
Speaker 3: you today, Pria. Thank you so much.

641
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,000
Speaker 1: Pria, you add so much to people's lives.

642
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,680
Speaker 2: When we were thinking about who could sort of christen

643
00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 2: our first week, we were all hoping that you would

644
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,680
Speaker 2: say yes. So thank you for sharing your time with us.

645
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,600
Speaker 5: Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for

646
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:10,400
Speaker 5: modeling beautiful hosting. You're already hosts that are paying attention

647
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 5: to honoring the guests that you're bringing in and bringing

648
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 5: yourselves to it and making it relevant to your listeners.

649
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 5: And it's such a pleasure and privilege to be part

650
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:22,480
Speaker 5: of the opening parts of your journey.

651
00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,120
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for saying that.

652
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:29,560
Speaker 3: Thank you, Pria. What a joy it was to speak

653
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:33,040
Speaker 3: with Pria. She has completely transformed how I think about

654
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,640
Speaker 3: bringing people together. And with that in mind, here's your

655
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 3: spark of the day.

656
00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:41,000
Speaker 2: We're going to end on a quote from Pria, reverse

657
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,680
Speaker 2: engineer and outcome. Think of what you want to be

658
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 2: different because you gathered and work backward from that outcome.

659
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 2: So with all that, we're going to gather intentionally, meaningfully

660
00:31:53,000 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 2: and build beautiful community. If you want to improve your

661
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,720
Speaker 2: gathering skills, Pria has a free workbook for all of

662
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,800
Speaker 2: our bright Side besties. It's called The New Rules of Gathering.

663
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:11,560
Speaker 2: You can find it at Priaparker dot com, slash the bright.

664
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 3: Side And remember, we want to hear from you. What

665
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 3: opening rituals do you love? Which should we try? Right here?

666
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,560
Speaker 3: Together on the bright Side. Send a voice memo to

667
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:23,400
Speaker 3: Hello at the bridsidepodcast dot com.

668
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:26,520
Speaker 2: Tomorrow on the show, We're looking to the Stars with

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00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 2: the Queen of Astrology herself, Channy Nicholas.

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Speaker 3: Listen and follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,

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Speaker 3: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can

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Speaker 3: find me Simone Voice on Instagram and TikTok at Simone

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Speaker 3: Voice and I'm.

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Speaker 2: At Danielle Robe on Instagram and TikTok.

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Speaker 3: We'll be back tomorrow with a brand new episode, same time,

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Speaker 3: same place,