1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 1: M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:18,880 Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all 3 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best 4 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:25,919 Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard 5 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more 6 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,800 Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit 7 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,920 Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While 8 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,600 Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, 9 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,240 Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for relationship 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so 11 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,840 Speaker 1: much for joining me for Session one sixteen of the 12 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,480 Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. If you've been paying any 13 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 1: attention this summer, then you've probably heard all of the 14 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,759 Speaker 1: excitement from another sister proclaiming that she's having a hot 15 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:13,279 Speaker 1: girl summer. It has become a rallying cry of swords 16 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:16,080 Speaker 1: for sisters to live their life to the fullest and 17 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,240 Speaker 1: to enjoy every minute of it. Every now and then, 18 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 1: a moment like this becomes so palpable that it makes 19 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:25,119 Speaker 1: its way into our therapy office. And that's what we'll 20 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,280 Speaker 1: be digging into today. How you can create your own 21 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: definition of a hot Girl Summer and how therapy might 22 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: be able to help you in this process. For this conversation, 23 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: I was joined by Maria Seeger Digear. Mariah is a 24 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: licensed marriage and family therapist in both New York and Minnesota. 25 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:47,560 Speaker 1: She certified in emotionally focused therapy and is the co 26 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:52,080 Speaker 1: founder of BFF Therapy in Beacon, New York. Her work 27 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 1: focuses on relationships and intimacy with a specialty and racial 28 00:01:56,360 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: identity development, culturally mixed couples, and we are people of color. 29 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: Mariah and I chatted about what it means to be 30 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 1: having a Hot Girl summer, why it's so important to 31 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 1: embrace and cultivate joy in your life, why so many 32 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 1: people feel threatened by things that bring black women joy, 33 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 1: and she shared some books for you to add to 34 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,000 Speaker 1: your Hot Girl Summer reading list. If you hear anything 35 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 1: that resonates with you during our conversation, please share it 36 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 1: with us on social media using the hashtag tv G 37 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,960 Speaker 1: in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for 38 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:35,480 Speaker 1: joining us today, Mariah, Thank you for having me, Dr Joy. 39 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,519 Speaker 1: I'm just a huge fan and I'm so excited to 40 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 1: just be a part of this I mean, it's a 41 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 1: whole movement you've created. Thank you, Thank you. Am very 42 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,240 Speaker 1: excited for you to be with us today as well. 43 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: So we will be chatting today all about the Hot 44 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: Girl Summer. So this feels like a movement again, a movement, 45 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 1: a song, just like this whole thing that has been 46 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 1: created primarily around mega styllion. So she talks about it 47 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: in her songs, and it just feels like it is 48 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: just this online thing now that has kind of taken 49 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 1: over particularly black women, right, Like just this excitement around 50 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,200 Speaker 1: living your best life because there's been some confusion around 51 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: what does it mean and who can have a hot 52 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:19,240 Speaker 1: girl summer and all of this stuff. Right. So, actually 53 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,960 Speaker 1: a few days ago, came up with her own definition 54 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,560 Speaker 1: and she said, being a hot girl is about being 55 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:30,680 Speaker 1: unapologetically you, having fun, being confident, living your truth, being 56 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:34,080 Speaker 1: the life of the party, etcetera. So really just living 57 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 1: your best life and kind of just doing you know, 58 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 1: Hoole's board. And so I was excited for you to 59 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: come on the podcast to talk about this because you 60 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,160 Speaker 1: mentioned that this has kind of been a theme in 61 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,760 Speaker 1: your therapy sessions, right, that women have brought this up 62 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: and like talking about living their hot girl summer. So 63 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 1: I'm curious to hear from you. What are some of 64 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 1: the general themes that you think people are talking about 65 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: when they talk about having a hot girl summer. Yes, 66 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,800 Speaker 1: so this has been coming up atually a lot. And 67 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 1: I see a lot of people of color in my practice, 68 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,920 Speaker 1: and I see a lot of queer people of color 69 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 1: my practice. You know, this comes up. I would say 70 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,960 Speaker 1: almost half my clients have casually said this in session. 71 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 1: It is summer, so confident going into that party, owning yourself, 72 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 1: you know, as simple as what you're wearing to that thing. 73 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,919 Speaker 1: But also there's a really deep work I think that 74 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 1: a lot of people are doing. And then you know, 75 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,920 Speaker 1: hot girl Summer hashtag has given us this permission, slip 76 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,799 Speaker 1: to talk about it in a much more everyday way 77 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: than the way we normally talk about and as therapists 78 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 1: like in therapy. So it's giving people just this everyday 79 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 1: language for confidence. And so I mean I've had clients 80 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: attached it to coming out to Yeah, and it's been 81 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,800 Speaker 1: magical in terms of you know, I'm having my hot 82 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 1: girl summer and they're going into the party and they're 83 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:57,280 Speaker 1: bringing their partner with them and they're really embracing this 84 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,840 Speaker 1: is about showing up completely unapologied adically. You know, I've 85 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,800 Speaker 1: had a client say, you know, I had a hot 86 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,640 Speaker 1: girl somewhere, when they're like, yes, I went in and 87 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 1: I asked for that raise at work. So knowing your 88 00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 1: worth and getting paid for it, demanding time and energy 89 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,400 Speaker 1: even with family members, and doing some healing work. You know, 90 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,520 Speaker 1: we're going to get into that more around that, and 91 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: just really truly having your permission slip to own who 92 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,040 Speaker 1: you are and not trying to fit yourself into a 93 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: certain box. And I love how you're talking about it 94 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 1: as this thing that kind of has given people permission. 95 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:33,040 Speaker 1: It feels reminiscent of when Black Girl Magic kind of 96 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,440 Speaker 1: hit the scene, right this whole absolutely you know moving 97 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 1: that was started by Kashaun Thompson about you know, just 98 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: kind of black women kind of showing up in everyday 99 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,040 Speaker 1: magic and that so many of the things that we 100 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: do are magical even when no one knows what's going 101 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 1: on behind the scenes. And so to hear it being 102 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,880 Speaker 1: talked about, is this kind of permission slip. So I 103 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,719 Speaker 1: want to dig into that a little bit more to 104 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 1: kind of hear what you think about this really has 105 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,680 Speaker 1: given people permission to do some this work. Yeah, So 106 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 1: I mean, you know, I'm a little biased because I'm 107 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,479 Speaker 1: also like, these are people I'm talking to are already 108 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 1: doing the work. But I'm absolutely not in the city 109 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 1: over the weekend in Brooklyn with my friends who are 110 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,479 Speaker 1: dancing on the street, you know, and just and having 111 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: a full Hot Girl Summer. So I think there's this 112 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: aspect of our internal dialogue. Right, so we have negative 113 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,159 Speaker 1: self talk, but I think this is really flipping it 114 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,520 Speaker 1: on the head. So our negative self talk says, don't 115 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 1: wear that to the party. Don't you know have these emotions. 116 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: They're too big, your hair is too big, you're too fat, 117 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:35,040 Speaker 1: We're you know, just bringing ourselves down. Hot Girl Summer 118 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,920 Speaker 1: is giving us, you know, we say permission slip, but 119 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 1: it's giving us that sort of internal girlfriend that says 120 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,719 Speaker 1: you are a badass, you are amazing. You absolutely get 121 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,000 Speaker 1: to own and carve out this space. And I think 122 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,719 Speaker 1: a lot of people were so good. You know, we're 123 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 1: ingrained and we could talk about you know, society is 124 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,360 Speaker 1: set up that way in the political aspect of it. 125 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 1: But it's this ra a full self acceptance that I 126 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,240 Speaker 1: get to take up space. I don't have to move 127 00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:06,480 Speaker 1: out of the way to make someone else more comfortable. 128 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 1: That's a great point, Maria, I think, because you know, 129 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,800 Speaker 1: when we're thinking about like negative self talk, but then 130 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 1: this being like if you can't harness that for yourself, 131 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 1: so if you're not able to kind of turn off 132 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: your own negative self talk, then using this as a replacement, 133 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,600 Speaker 1: right as a positive is flipping that on it tail, 134 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:27,280 Speaker 1: like you said, as a positive reframe for them, message 135 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,560 Speaker 1: like I don't have to give into this, these negative 136 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 1: messages that I'm giving myself. I can borrow on this 137 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: to to kind of you know, cultivate some excitement and 138 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,000 Speaker 1: some fun and some you know, showing up as fully 139 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:42,680 Speaker 1: who I am in the world. Yes, exactly, Yes, it's 140 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,080 Speaker 1: giving us a reframe in a wrap song, in a 141 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,760 Speaker 1: you know, a Twitter handle that you know is upping 142 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 1: the you know version of a let me be confident. 143 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 1: It's like, I think a lot of us didn't have 144 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 1: that model as a kid, So just saying be confident, 145 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 1: you know who you are. It's like I need something 146 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: that's tangible and much more accessible to me to know 147 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 1: what that actually looks like. And I also love that 148 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,040 Speaker 1: it is really like it's not prescriptive at all, right, 149 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 1: Like everybody everybody is kind of using it for whatever 150 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,200 Speaker 1: they wanted to mean, right, And so it's kind of 151 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,600 Speaker 1: like everybody can have their own interpretation of what a 152 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,800 Speaker 1: hot girl summer looks like. But it does feel like 153 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,680 Speaker 1: a lot of it kind of comes back to the 154 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:27,559 Speaker 1: competence fees. Yes, absolutely, and I think that's a great 155 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: part for some people. Right you needed a hype song 156 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: and we all need that in the summer. And for 157 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,000 Speaker 1: some people it's okay, do I have a lot more 158 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,040 Speaker 1: work to do around my confidence? And do I have 159 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: a whole healing journey that you know, this is a 160 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,679 Speaker 1: catalyst of that. This was the push of what's going 161 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,599 Speaker 1: to be my journey to start therapy, what's going to 162 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:47,600 Speaker 1: be my journey to you know, be confident? And this 163 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 1: is that push that like shoves you out the door, 164 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 1: shoves you, you know, into the interview, or makes it 165 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: so that you know, I love some of the things 166 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,920 Speaker 1: that people are saying, but like texting your crush or 167 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: you know, just being being honest around who you are. 168 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: And this is starting that journey. And I think for 169 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:08,959 Speaker 1: some people it takes a long time or maybe before 170 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,760 Speaker 1: you're really at your place with that, because there's a 171 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: long place between thinking I want to do this and 172 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: really having the confidence to walk out in the bikini. 173 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: So you mention, Mariah, you know some people like maybe 174 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,840 Speaker 1: didn't have confidence developed when they were younger, and so 175 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,840 Speaker 1: now this is kind of helping them to do some 176 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: of that work. But what does that work look like? 177 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,640 Speaker 1: Like you mentioned like it's easy for us to say, like, 178 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,720 Speaker 1: just go and be confident, but what does that even 179 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: look like? Like how do you develop confidence if it's 180 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 1: something that you're struggling with, So if we really want 181 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 1: to look at it, you know, I'm talking about from 182 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: this really therapeutic lens, but there's a lot of things 183 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,439 Speaker 1: people are doing in therapy that you can be really 184 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,960 Speaker 1: carrying into your every day And so one tool that 185 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,679 Speaker 1: I think is great when I was talking with another 186 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 1: therapist about it this morning, is think about a moment 187 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:59,640 Speaker 1: that you feel confident. So, you know, here's a moment, Oh, 188 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 1: I feel really confident when I wear this, or when 189 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,920 Speaker 1: I'm in this kind of meeting, or I get to 190 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: present this, or when I'm you know, taking care of 191 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: my kid at the park, and I'm like, yes, I 192 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:13,559 Speaker 1: can keep up with them. Okay, so in that moment, 193 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 1: what are you thinking to yourself and what are you 194 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 1: doing right? And so really harnessing and breaking this down 195 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: of when I feel confident, even if I only have 196 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,800 Speaker 1: thirty seconds in a week that you feel confident, what 197 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,560 Speaker 1: are you doing in that moment? Are there actual words 198 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,199 Speaker 1: you get attached to that? So when I feel confident, 199 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: I'm looking in the mirror before I leave the house 200 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,800 Speaker 1: because you know, my eyebrows right, like, my eyebrows look amazing. 201 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 1: I feel confident. And so take that and now let's 202 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,680 Speaker 1: really slowed down in that and say, okay, my eyebrows 203 00:10:44,679 --> 00:10:46,440 Speaker 1: look really good. I'm going to sit in that for 204 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,520 Speaker 1: thirty seconds. I'm going to write that on the post 205 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 1: it that I need to have on the back of 206 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 1: my phone. When the more classic sents right, lipstick on 207 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 1: your mirror. And so I can take in a moment 208 00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:01,080 Speaker 1: that's authentic to me and carry it into situation that 209 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,199 Speaker 1: really is kind of scary maybe, And that's one like 210 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,120 Speaker 1: a tool a lot of clients do you know, And 211 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: there's a lot of other therapy practices around them, but 212 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,520 Speaker 1: a really simple thing to harness you have this confident 213 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,440 Speaker 1: you and you even if it feels really small and 214 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,199 Speaker 1: tucked away. So it's really looking at where are these 215 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 1: transferable skills? Right? So you may not feel confident all 216 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,360 Speaker 1: the time, but what are those moments of situations where 217 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,000 Speaker 1: you do find yourself confident and how can you take 218 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 1: some of that and move it to a place where 219 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,280 Speaker 1: you feel less confident? Yes, you know, sometimes it's so 220 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,280 Speaker 1: humbling and great or just feels more connected to remind yourself. 221 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,439 Speaker 1: Every single one of us as human beings are insecure. 222 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,360 Speaker 1: You know. We all have moments that that insecurity shows up. 223 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,679 Speaker 1: And so it's a universal feeling. So as much as 224 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 1: that person might be coming in to the party or 225 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,960 Speaker 1: this conversation with you that they want to have and 226 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,959 Speaker 1: you're feeling it like at some point, even the most 227 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:00,080 Speaker 1: competent versions of people have these insecurities. I mean, I 228 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 1: don't know if you read Michelle Obama's book, right, Like, 229 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,720 Speaker 1: this is a woman that you know is her life 230 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,560 Speaker 1: to me is hot girl summer like her in the 231 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,400 Speaker 1: sense she is just so inspiring. But you read her 232 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,199 Speaker 1: book and you see all these moments of her questioning herself. 233 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,760 Speaker 1: But from the outside she has it all together. Mm hmmm. Yeah, 234 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,720 Speaker 1: and I think that there's something important to kind of 235 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 1: dig into also, Maria, this idea of how do you 236 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:31,880 Speaker 1: manage maybe presenting confident on the outside but really feeling 237 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 1: like you're falling apart inside. And when we look at 238 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 1: if we stay with this hot girl summer, right, it's 239 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,599 Speaker 1: about being on apologetic. So I think there's an aspect 240 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 1: of presenting confidence being unapologetic. Of you can be insecure, 241 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: but the confidence really is in who you are, not 242 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:54,080 Speaker 1: in fitting in wearing the perfect clothing or saying the 243 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: really cool hip thing. And in some ways it feels 244 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,720 Speaker 1: kind of circular, right, Like the more you put yourself 245 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: out there and other people maybe perceive you as confident, 246 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,079 Speaker 1: then you get that feedback dead, Okay, this is an 247 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 1: okay way to show up in the world. And so 248 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,720 Speaker 1: then you continue to behave in those ways, and that's 249 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 1: a healing in itself. Right. The more you present in 250 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,360 Speaker 1: this way, these thoughts and emotions that you thought were 251 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 1: so rigid and attached to you are gonna start melting away. Right. 252 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:26,240 Speaker 1: You think of yourself as, Oh, I'm not that cool 253 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: or I'm not that sexy, and then you present yourself 254 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 1: in this sexy way and you walk in with confidence, 255 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,160 Speaker 1: and more people are gravitating towards your energy because you've 256 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,360 Speaker 1: shifted that that is going to battle that negative self 257 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,319 Speaker 1: talk that says, you know, don't wear those your thighs 258 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 1: are too big, and so it absolutely the more you're 259 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:48,520 Speaker 1: able to risk and take, you know, deep scary moments 260 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:50,679 Speaker 1: of fear, the more you're able to step through that, 261 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,120 Speaker 1: the more you can let go of some of this 262 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,760 Speaker 1: nonsense that we carry with us from childhood. So I 263 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,760 Speaker 1: want to touch on this whole idea around being unapologetic 264 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,280 Speaker 1: that you've mentioned, Mariah, and I think even before the 265 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,959 Speaker 1: Hot Girl Summer, you know, we heard people talking about 266 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 1: being unapologetically black and unapologetically this and all of these things, right, 267 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 1: being unapologetic just because of who I am. But I 268 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,120 Speaker 1: also think that that comes up against this world that 269 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 1: does not necessarily feel kind and helpful and inviting, especially 270 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,160 Speaker 1: to black women who show up as all of who 271 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,080 Speaker 1: they are. Yes, And so I actually have a direct 272 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: quote that I wrote down that I have permission to share, 273 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,920 Speaker 1: and because I put on my personal ense of like, 274 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: let me hear what Hot Girl Summer is to you, 275 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,400 Speaker 1: and someone who I would say embodies this in every 276 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 1: essence of the word. They were talking about how seeing 277 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 1: this hot Girl Summer as you know, society can you know, 278 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: and men so can really see as women being a 279 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,000 Speaker 1: little bit too free right, and it actually can be 280 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,320 Speaker 1: quite threatening to people. And so this person is talking 281 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 1: about she's now he felt more connected with her identity 282 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 1: as a woman of color, especially when she this is 283 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:08,400 Speaker 1: her quote, some queer ass leaning individuals who really you know, 284 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 1: fan her flame and fire her up. Because this idea, 285 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,800 Speaker 1: you know, that we get to own our sexuality and 286 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 1: we get to own our sexiness and show up in 287 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,680 Speaker 1: a room and flirt with who you want to flirt with, 288 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: you know, and talk about sex in public is very 289 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 1: threatening to a lot of people, and people really want 290 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,720 Speaker 1: to push it down. So it it is a very 291 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,480 Speaker 1: radical act and a political act to actually own this 292 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 1: hashtag wow. So that that really brings this connection for me, Mariah, 293 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,480 Speaker 1: because I do feel like as much excitement as I 294 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,840 Speaker 1: have seen around the Hot Girl Summer, of course, I've 295 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 1: also seen this backlash. And it feels like anytime black 296 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 1: women get really excited about something right like hot Grow Summer, 297 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:01,320 Speaker 1: anything that Beyonce does you know anything, it feels like 298 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:04,680 Speaker 1: that black women really really get excited about people want 299 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 1: to try to devalue it. So, oh, well what does 300 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,600 Speaker 1: this mean? And you know, like do you want to 301 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: hot girl somewhere or do you want you know, as 302 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 1: if it has to be an exclusive kind of thing, 303 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,840 Speaker 1: like you can't have a hot girl snummer and also 304 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,120 Speaker 1: be doing whatever else. So so that quote that you 305 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,440 Speaker 1: just share really kind of brought that to mind. That 306 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,680 Speaker 1: it feels like people feel very threatened by anything that 307 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,920 Speaker 1: really brings black women joy. Yes, and right, like you 308 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:33,560 Speaker 1: follow their rules and were hated and then you we 309 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,640 Speaker 1: do what we want and we're even more vilified because 310 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 1: misogyny is so real. Because I can't handle you having 311 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 1: for your space in this world. There's so much history, right, 312 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:48,560 Speaker 1: So we have racism working against us, we have sexism 313 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: working against us, and really because misogyny so real, man 314 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 1: in many ways, like we don't want to like I 315 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: feel like me saying this out loud, someone's going to 316 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,200 Speaker 1: come from me, right like, man, in so many ways, 317 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:08,119 Speaker 1: like truly like don't want us to embrace all that 318 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,080 Speaker 1: we are, you know in society, like we can just 319 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:13,159 Speaker 1: put it on society. Hockrow Summer is really shifting that 320 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 1: culture because if you show up with the extra lashes 321 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,399 Speaker 1: or you did your hair differently, people just want to 322 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,600 Speaker 1: maybe now add a different label that's not you, So 323 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: like you're gonna get called a home possibly you have 324 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 1: the confidence to potentially reject someone. You have the confidence 325 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,680 Speaker 1: to say, this is who I am, but I'm not 326 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,360 Speaker 1: doing it for your eyes. I'm doing this because I'm 327 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 1: loving my body and I'm loving my skin. M h. Yeah. 328 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,199 Speaker 1: And I also think another point of it that I 329 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:45,119 Speaker 1: really love is just the confidence in the hypness that 330 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 1: you get from your other sisters when you like embrace 331 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,240 Speaker 1: this right um, you know, and some of course because 332 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 1: not everybody is, you know, on the same page, but 333 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 1: it just feels like there is a like, yes, girl, 334 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,119 Speaker 1: yes do you this siwhere kind of thing happening that 335 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,199 Speaker 1: I think only further so for this idea that like 336 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 1: it is okay to show up as who you are 337 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 1: and then be embraced by the community. Absolutely has this 338 00:18:07,359 --> 00:18:10,359 Speaker 1: been coming up for you like in your communities. It 339 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,280 Speaker 1: hasn't been coming up necessarily in my sessions, but definitely 340 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:16,119 Speaker 1: in like the therapy for black girls, like social media communities, 341 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 1: right yeah, yeah, So I mean lots of conversations about 342 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: what this looks like in people sharing tips. I mean, 343 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,199 Speaker 1: but I feel like we were doing a lot of 344 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:27,160 Speaker 1: this even before like the high Girl Summer hashtag became invented, 345 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,159 Speaker 1: because I think that there is really a surge of 346 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: sisters really wanting to kind of reclaim this freeness and 347 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:39,159 Speaker 1: to space and to enjoy themselves in every area of 348 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: their lives, and so sharing tips with one another, and 349 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,679 Speaker 1: this is what worked for me, and this is what 350 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,120 Speaker 1: you might want to do, and you know, really providing 351 00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:48,360 Speaker 1: each other with support and encouragement to kind of live 352 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:54,120 Speaker 1: the lives that they want to live. Yes, absolutely, So 353 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,639 Speaker 1: I want to hear from you, Mariah, because I know 354 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,760 Speaker 1: that you also do a lot of couples work, and 355 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,080 Speaker 1: so I think that this just thing right because I 356 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:03,520 Speaker 1: think in some ways it feels like a hot girl 357 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,119 Speaker 1: suwhere is really only like for single girls, right, Like 358 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,399 Speaker 1: that is only um one set of the community who 359 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,960 Speaker 1: could participate in that. But I don't think that that's true. 360 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 1: So what what might look like to have a hot 361 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: girl suwhere if you are in a relationship? Yes, so 362 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,040 Speaker 1: I am certifying emotionally focused therapy. I see a lot 363 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:25,159 Speaker 1: of couples um. And so this is coming up just 364 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,720 Speaker 1: as much as couples. So if you're in a relationship, 365 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,879 Speaker 1: one of the biggest things where I think people can't 366 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,119 Speaker 1: translate this to I'm you know, in a relationship, I 367 00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:37,000 Speaker 1: can't have a hot girl summer. Where they can't translate 368 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,959 Speaker 1: is are you looking at how secure your relationship is? 369 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,760 Speaker 1: Because a secure relationship can handle anything you want to 370 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,960 Speaker 1: wear to that party, can handle you showing up and 371 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 1: showing out and owning your space in your time because 372 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:55,639 Speaker 1: you're not making space that's bigger than your partner because 373 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: even when you're at the party or heck, you can 374 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,359 Speaker 1: jump on a private jeb I don't care, you know 375 00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:01,800 Speaker 1: what I mean, Like you can go to Paris and 376 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,639 Speaker 1: have a hot girl somewhere and your partner might be 377 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:07,280 Speaker 1: busy back, you know, in New York. And so are 378 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,320 Speaker 1: you connected with that person? Are you thinking about that 379 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:14,719 Speaker 1: person's are the decisions you're making actively in the moment 380 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:19,240 Speaker 1: still being respectful to them? And by respect it doesn't 381 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,400 Speaker 1: necessarily mean, you know, at least in our western ized culture, 382 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,840 Speaker 1: covering up. It doesn't necessarily mean smaller. So it's keeping 383 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:30,439 Speaker 1: them in mind. And if you have a secure, connected 384 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:35,680 Speaker 1: healthy relationship. Your partner can know I trust you like 385 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 1: you're good, you know what I mean, Like you can 386 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:42,679 Speaker 1: take the extra boomerang at the beach where you look amazing, 387 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,520 Speaker 1: because I know, like you're coming home to me. And 388 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,640 Speaker 1: so when I talk about this with couples, were really 389 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,320 Speaker 1: doing the work around what is threatening about this, what 390 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,919 Speaker 1: is scary to you? And then you can do that 391 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,760 Speaker 1: work and still be able to tell and this is 392 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,879 Speaker 1: vulnerability and intimacy and tell your partner this is what 393 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 1: scares me about it. I'm afraid you're confidence this enemy 394 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:09,120 Speaker 1: so big that you're gonna, you know, outcrowing, or you're 395 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:11,720 Speaker 1: gonna think I'm not enough for you. Because now everyone's 396 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,840 Speaker 1: giving you this energy. And so when we're really embracing 397 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,359 Speaker 1: hot Girl summer, you are shifting your energy actively. But 398 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,439 Speaker 1: that doesn't have to be energy that says I'm open 399 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,680 Speaker 1: to everyone in a sexual way. It can be I'm 400 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 1: harnessing my sexuality, I'm harnessing who I am. But that 401 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,639 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you get to come and slide into my 402 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:35,320 Speaker 1: d M with love to do all these things. Then 403 00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: I think that's a great point where I are right 404 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:40,600 Speaker 1: just because people are having fun and like excited and 405 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,720 Speaker 1: all of these things. That doesn't mean that there aren't boundaries, right, 406 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:47,360 Speaker 1: So I hope that people are not taking this as 407 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,360 Speaker 1: like a permission slip in the wrong way in terms 408 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,080 Speaker 1: of like, okay, now people are excited and maybe they're 409 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,719 Speaker 1: you know, their legs out more or whatever. That that 410 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,600 Speaker 1: means that it's okay across boundaries of touching people are 411 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,880 Speaker 1: acting inappropriately with people, because that is not what we're 412 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:09,000 Speaker 1: talking about, correct boundarides. I talked about boundaries all day, yes, exactly, 413 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 1: And and be willing to have that conversation with your 414 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 1: partner around what are boundaries? What are the commitments. You 415 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,280 Speaker 1: don't need to be married to have commitments around what 416 00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 1: your relationship stands on. You can make those commitments, you know, 417 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,320 Speaker 1: as soon as you guys know that you want to 418 00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:25,159 Speaker 1: be in a relationship together. I think one of the things, 419 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,240 Speaker 1: or the most important thing that I am taking from 420 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,439 Speaker 1: this whole Hot Girl Somewhere is that it just feels 421 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,119 Speaker 1: like people are joyful. It feels like this has given 422 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 1: people some excitement. Even though you know there's so much 423 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,199 Speaker 1: depressing news, so many awful things happening, it feels like 424 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: the Hot Girl Somewhere has really given people something to 425 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: be joyful and excited about. And so what are your 426 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:49,360 Speaker 1: ideas about how people can cultivate joy in their lives 427 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,720 Speaker 1: even when awful things are happening? And why is that 428 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:58,640 Speaker 1: even important? Yes, it's vital. I mean with everything going 429 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,600 Speaker 1: on right now, we are, honestly like, as soon as 430 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,320 Speaker 1: you step out of your space under constant attack, either 431 00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 1: it's the news or the social media, and there's you know, 432 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,360 Speaker 1: we have kids in cages in our country in two 433 00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:14,840 Speaker 1: thousand nineteen. It's constant and so cultivating joy, I think 434 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,679 Speaker 1: the first thing to do, all of us need to 435 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,880 Speaker 1: do is meditate every morning and doing a nice guided 436 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:26,359 Speaker 1: meditation and coming back and bringing that energy back into 437 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,040 Speaker 1: you and so that people aren't taking little pieces we 438 00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:32,200 Speaker 1: talk about like hashtag stealing, you know, stealing our joy. 439 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,280 Speaker 1: You know, you're taking my joy. People are taking these 440 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,159 Speaker 1: little pieces of energy. I like to do a guided 441 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,440 Speaker 1: meditation with my clients where I walk them through their 442 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,360 Speaker 1: body and we move a ball of light through your body. 443 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: And then also joy can be you know, Okay, so 444 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 1: what brings you joy? So I brought a new you 445 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,000 Speaker 1: know plant into my office today. Is it? You know? 446 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: Is it a bath bomb, is it a new body spray? 447 00:23:54,119 --> 00:23:56,119 Speaker 1: Is it fresh sheets on your bed before you go 448 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,600 Speaker 1: to bed? Like, I mean that brings me a lot 449 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: of joy um and so simple simple things. These don't 450 00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:04,480 Speaker 1: have to be huge things that you're doing every single 451 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,560 Speaker 1: day to remind you that you have value and you 452 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,439 Speaker 1: have work. And I think it's important you know that 453 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,840 Speaker 1: you share some things that don't even cost any money, 454 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,240 Speaker 1: right Like you know, fresh sheets, are finally getting that 455 00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:17,040 Speaker 1: laundry folded, or you know something that just gives you 456 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 1: space to kind of feel joy even for a moment. Absolutely, yes, 457 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:25,800 Speaker 1: I joy. I think is such an everyday purposeful practice 458 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,359 Speaker 1: to find joy that it actually I don't want to 459 00:24:28,359 --> 00:24:31,399 Speaker 1: say shouldn't, but like really isn't about a big I 460 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,919 Speaker 1: feel like we're going into like a self care conversation, right, Like, 461 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,040 Speaker 1: it's not. It's not really about like a big spot a. 462 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 1: It's about these little tangible things that you're doing that 463 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,399 Speaker 1: you're doing just because they make you smile. But it 464 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:47,800 Speaker 1: also might be you know that new track that dropped 465 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 1: in terms of music and playing it really loudly in 466 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,120 Speaker 1: your car in the way to work, Like it might 467 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:57,119 Speaker 1: be something like that too. That's a very obvious shifting energy. Yes, 468 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,320 Speaker 1: I like that. I like that. I think people also, um, 469 00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,080 Speaker 1: you know, and people to be talking about this probably 470 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:03,880 Speaker 1: all the time on the podcast or in our three 471 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,160 Speaker 1: for Thursday chats. Gratitude journaling I think can be really 472 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,160 Speaker 1: with this too, because it's very easy. I think, especially 473 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,000 Speaker 1: given everything you know, connected to social media and watching 474 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,040 Speaker 1: the news and all of this stuff, it's really easy 475 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,119 Speaker 1: to kind of get so focused on that that you 476 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,720 Speaker 1: feel like that's the only thing that's happening. But can 477 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,959 Speaker 1: you pay attention to even the small beautiful things in 478 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:27,280 Speaker 1: your everyday life that can kind of keep you connected 479 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,920 Speaker 1: to feeling grateful. And then there are moments of joy. 480 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,520 Speaker 1: So you see this beautiful, you know, bush of flowers 481 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: on your way to work, or you notice a cute 482 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,080 Speaker 1: kid on the train in the morning, you know, something 483 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:39,879 Speaker 1: like that that can really help you to kind of 484 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: realize like, Okay, these things may be going on, but 485 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,679 Speaker 1: there's also these other things happening in life. And I 486 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 1: love gratitude general. I've had claims, you know, because we're 487 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,760 Speaker 1: always on our phones, actually snap a picture of the 488 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 1: thing like the bush of flowers, take a picture, and 489 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,639 Speaker 1: then have a album in your phone of moments that 490 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,119 Speaker 1: brought you draw so at the end of the week 491 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,400 Speaker 1: you can flip or like not or it's a really 492 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,439 Speaker 1: rough day, and you flip through that album and you're like, 493 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,200 Speaker 1: my favorite one was when they're like the view out 494 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:08,520 Speaker 1: my window and that sunrise and I'm like, what have 495 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,119 Speaker 1: you taking a picture of it? Do you have it 496 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,600 Speaker 1: with you when you know you're thinking of doing doing 497 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,800 Speaker 1: something that's a little more toxic, And they go and 498 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 1: they open and they look at that sunrise, you know, 499 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,040 Speaker 1: and it's those are moments where it's just like there 500 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,880 Speaker 1: is joy around you, you're witnessing it, but can you 501 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,479 Speaker 1: make it so that you can hold onto it like 502 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:31,119 Speaker 1: days that are harder? Right? Right? I think that is important. 503 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,080 Speaker 1: I had not heard about the picture album, but I 504 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,080 Speaker 1: think that that would be great, right because then you 505 00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:38,040 Speaker 1: have memories of these instances in life where it feels, 506 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,560 Speaker 1: you know, like joy was happening, yeah, which is different 507 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,840 Speaker 1: than you know. And as much as I love social media, 508 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,640 Speaker 1: you know, this is why you and I are connected, 509 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,919 Speaker 1: which I'm so grateful for. It's a photo album in 510 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,439 Speaker 1: your phone. We're not doing it for the viewing and 511 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,800 Speaker 1: consumption of someone else. It's just for you, and that's 512 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,439 Speaker 1: really the important part, you know, whether it's journaling and 513 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: all this stuff. We are in a time in life 514 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 1: right now where we do so much for other people's 515 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,439 Speaker 1: consumption and we need to just have more moments in 516 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,080 Speaker 1: our day where I'm doing it just because I need 517 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,719 Speaker 1: this for me. Oh No, I think that that's an 518 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,879 Speaker 1: important point where I and I'm wondering how even the 519 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,320 Speaker 1: Hot Girls Summer is connected to me because it is 520 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:20,439 Speaker 1: very much a viral kind of social media thing. But 521 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:22,280 Speaker 1: I think that there is a way that people are 522 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 1: also making it very personal, that it's not about just 523 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 1: sharing it on social media. Yes, and I think that's 524 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:33,040 Speaker 1: when we come back to your I mean, personally, it 525 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,879 Speaker 1: could just be between you and your therapist, right between 526 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,679 Speaker 1: you and your partner. But also like the tribe, you know, 527 00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:41,760 Speaker 1: you know, dr you created this beautiful tribe for us, 528 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 1: but in bringing that into your everyday tribe and circle 529 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,040 Speaker 1: of people that I don't need to put this on 530 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: blast out there in the world. But just having my 531 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 1: girlfriend say you know, hey, I know you're working on this, 532 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,959 Speaker 1: thank you for talking to me about that. That inspired me. 533 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,639 Speaker 1: And then you look, my girlfriend this morning personally more 534 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,720 Speaker 1: texted me have a blast today, you know, I have 535 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,840 Speaker 1: a busy day. I'm squeezing you into my day, and 536 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,080 Speaker 1: she's like, I have so much fun, because yes, this 537 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 1: is what you want to be doing, right, And that's 538 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,040 Speaker 1: you know, when we're connection is really the base to 539 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 1: so much of this, and so doing in a personal, 540 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,160 Speaker 1: real connecting way is a piece of the Hot Girl 541 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 1: Summer doesn't need to be any bigger than that, right, Right, 542 00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:28,040 Speaker 1: So I think Marian, probably there are some people who 543 00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,800 Speaker 1: may be listening who won maybe didn't even know what 544 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:34,119 Speaker 1: hot Girl Summer was, like what is this thing? But 545 00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,360 Speaker 1: but also some people who maybe feel like, what if 546 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:40,000 Speaker 1: I just want like a lukewarm kind of medium kind 547 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 1: of of a summer. Right, what are some suggestions that 548 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: you might have for people who are wanting to, you know, 549 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,959 Speaker 1: maybe start doing more this kind of being more unapologetic, 550 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,000 Speaker 1: taking up more space, but don't feel like they're all 551 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:52,880 Speaker 1: the way there yet, Like how can they kind of 552 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 1: dop their toe? Yes, it's like a little dip their toe. 553 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,680 Speaker 1: And I would circle back to like, what's that thing 554 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 1: you keep thinking about? You know? And so you don't 555 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,080 Speaker 1: have to do the big show up feeling like you're 556 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,239 Speaker 1: supposed to have a keyto a camera crew with you. 557 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:08,880 Speaker 1: But what is that thing that every morning when you 558 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: wake up and you're like, oh, I wish I did that, 559 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:13,240 Speaker 1: you know. And that might be ordering that book that 560 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,960 Speaker 1: you've been looking at. That might be getting your nails done. 561 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,120 Speaker 1: You know. It could be just sort of a simple thing. 562 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,520 Speaker 1: But I think I could confidently say every one of 563 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,520 Speaker 1: us has a little thing that we have been putting off. 564 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,680 Speaker 1: And most of the time, you know, especially as black women, 565 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:31,320 Speaker 1: we are putting everyone above us, you know, before ourselves. 566 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,120 Speaker 1: If we make the list. We're such caretakers and we 567 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 1: don't even you know, maybe you're nine or ten on 568 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,520 Speaker 1: the list. And so it could be A hot girl 569 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:42,120 Speaker 1: summer could be as simply as prioritizing yourself in one 570 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:46,320 Speaker 1: small choice in your day, um and choosing you know, 571 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,680 Speaker 1: I know I have twenty things to do for other people, 572 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,800 Speaker 1: but let me choose something for myself. And it can 573 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:53,920 Speaker 1: be that simple. And it doesn't have to be, you know, 574 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:55,960 Speaker 1: the big hair, and it doesn't have to be the 575 00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:59,040 Speaker 1: tiny outfit at the beach, and it could just be 576 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:03,280 Speaker 1: I'm choosing my self right now for five minutes. Yeah, 577 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:05,959 Speaker 1: so really going back to that permission slip, like just 578 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,760 Speaker 1: permission for you to embrace your desires, whatever those desires are, 579 00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:14,280 Speaker 1: like you mentioned m exactly. So I always think it's 580 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:18,640 Speaker 1: really cool, um or I how this stuff enters the 581 00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:21,560 Speaker 1: therapy room, right Like, this feels like this moment was 582 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:23,880 Speaker 1: meant for me because I'm all about like pop culture 583 00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,800 Speaker 1: and psychology and how those things intersect. But but I 584 00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:30,880 Speaker 1: also think that there is something really important about being 585 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:34,000 Speaker 1: able to adopt the language and really be dialed into 586 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,800 Speaker 1: the experiences of our clients. So what you think is 587 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:40,800 Speaker 1: the importance of of therapists being able to kind of 588 00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:44,920 Speaker 1: connect to cultural moments like this, Yes, I mean so 589 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 1: for me, like my clients are choosing me because I'm 590 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:51,320 Speaker 1: very much unapologetic as a therapist as is, right Like, 591 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:54,560 Speaker 1: so I'm gonna be upfront and forward. And you know 592 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,760 Speaker 1: one of my clients the other day who said to me, 593 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,320 Speaker 1: like my doing therapy or you it's like therapy on 594 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 1: warp speed because I'm just honest. And so there's a 595 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:06,240 Speaker 1: part of all this that it just feels so true 596 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:09,520 Speaker 1: to the work I've always been doing and for therapists 597 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 1: though language and for all of us a language. If 598 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 1: we don't have language for something, how can we have 599 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 1: that experience? Because really us documenting, even just verbally documenting experience, 600 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:25,200 Speaker 1: we need language. And so therapist, I think it's vital 601 00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,520 Speaker 1: that you're staying current with language. Now. I don't think 602 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,320 Speaker 1: every therapist needs to be on social media if it's 603 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 1: not authentic and real for you. But staying currently having 604 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,920 Speaker 1: the current language with your clients, you're going to be 605 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:40,720 Speaker 1: able to go so much deeper and further because we 606 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:44,440 Speaker 1: all want to be understood, we all want to be validated. 607 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,520 Speaker 1: And if you know what I'm talking about, you're going 608 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 1: to be able to join with me right and really 609 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:55,640 Speaker 1: be in this moment and experience with me. And so 610 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:58,080 Speaker 1: I don't feel bad when I don't know a certain 611 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,200 Speaker 1: thing that if I'm talking about because we can't keep 612 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:03,200 Speaker 1: up on all of it. But joining in the moment, 613 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: you know, it's really kind of the base of therapy. 614 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:08,800 Speaker 1: And so I think therapists you need to do this work. 615 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,840 Speaker 1: And when there's a big thing going on that's about 616 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:16,360 Speaker 1: being body positive and about you know, having self care 617 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,080 Speaker 1: and choosing yourself, therapists need to be up on this. 618 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,719 Speaker 1: M got you, got you? So what are some of 619 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,640 Speaker 1: your favorite books? Mariah, Like, if you could build us 620 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,920 Speaker 1: a Hot Girl somewhere reading Liz, what kinds of thing, 621 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:31,720 Speaker 1: what kinds of things would you put on it? I 622 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:35,120 Speaker 1: have a book club starting up here for queer people 623 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:37,680 Speaker 1: of color authors, and so I have like my book 624 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:43,160 Speaker 1: is high and narrowed it down. I think I'm reading 625 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:45,520 Speaker 1: for the second time and listening on the audio book 626 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:49,640 Speaker 1: A Lan's book more than enough embodies everything that is 627 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,479 Speaker 1: Hot Girl Summer because she has so many moments in 628 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:56,800 Speaker 1: her book where she was persistent and going after what 629 00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:01,240 Speaker 1: she wanted, you know, from making vision boards essentially to 630 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,640 Speaker 1: just sort of breaking the rules a little bit, and 631 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:08,240 Speaker 1: you know, asking for a race. You know, that's a 632 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:09,880 Speaker 1: piece that I was just talking about a client. So 633 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:11,800 Speaker 1: a lot of my clients are reading that right now. 634 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:16,360 Speaker 1: I definitely would say the book Woman of Color is 635 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,800 Speaker 1: a great book that came out this spring. I love 636 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:24,560 Speaker 1: Heart Talk by Cleo Wade doing some poetry is absolutely wonderful. 637 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:28,440 Speaker 1: And then Rene's Brown's work and all of her books 638 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:32,800 Speaker 1: are so much about shame, so because she's a shame researcher, 639 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:35,640 Speaker 1: So I would say Braving the Wilderness would be a 640 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:39,520 Speaker 1: really good choice, because that's really us getting past these 641 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 1: moments of shame that say I'm not, I can't, I'm 642 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:49,000 Speaker 1: less than And so any book around shame would be 643 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:52,400 Speaker 1: vital and in the in this library and I'm literally 644 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:55,920 Speaker 1: looking at the bookshelf in my therapy off. Okay, can 645 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:57,720 Speaker 1: you give me an author for the woman of color 646 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: bo Yes, it's let's Hanya, your vet and she is 647 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:08,840 Speaker 1: a blogger here in Brooklyn and it's about women and 648 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,520 Speaker 1: fashion and motherhood and really owning your space and healing. 649 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:17,719 Speaker 1: Perfect And where can people find you, Mariah? What's your 650 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:21,040 Speaker 1: website and any social media handles you want to hear? Yes, 651 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:26,480 Speaker 1: so easy. We are BFF Therapy on absolutely everything, and 652 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 1: so our website is BF Therapy Everything. You can find 653 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:34,840 Speaker 1: us there. And then I'm licensed in New York and Minnesota, 654 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,160 Speaker 1: so I see a lot of clients online as well 655 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,000 Speaker 1: as in our office and Beacon, New York, which is 656 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:42,440 Speaker 1: in the Hudson Valley. Perfect. Well, we will definitely include 657 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,920 Speaker 1: all that information in the show notes. Thank you so 658 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:47,360 Speaker 1: much for squeezing me into your schedule, where I am 659 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:50,720 Speaker 1: so excited and excited to hear you know how people 660 00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:53,839 Speaker 1: will even embrace this episode and talk about what their 661 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,759 Speaker 1: own hot girl summer is looking like for them. Yes, 662 00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:02,400 Speaker 1: I love it. Thank you, You're welcome. I'm so thankful 663 00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,920 Speaker 1: Mariah was able to share with us today and I 664 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:08,319 Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed our conversation as well. To learn more 665 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:11,000 Speaker 1: about Mariah or to grab the books that she shared 666 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:14,000 Speaker 1: on her reading list, visit the show notes at Therapy 667 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:18,120 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot Com slash Session one sixteen. If 668 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,000 Speaker 1: you love this conversation, go ahead and text two of 669 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,719 Speaker 1: your friends and tell them to listen, and be sure 670 00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:25,800 Speaker 1: to share your takeaways with us in your I G 671 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:30,240 Speaker 1: Stories or on Twitter using the hashtag TBG in session. 672 00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,959 Speaker 1: If you're searching for a therapist in your area, check 673 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:36,839 Speaker 1: out our directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com 674 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:40,839 Speaker 1: slash directory. And if you want to continue this conversation 675 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:43,840 Speaker 1: with other sisters who listen to the podcast, come on 676 00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:46,239 Speaker 1: over and join us in the thrive Tribe, which is 677 00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:49,440 Speaker 1: the Facebook group for our podcast. You can request to 678 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:52,640 Speaker 1: join at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Tribe 679 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,120 Speaker 1: and be sure to answer the three questions that are 680 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:58,400 Speaker 1: asked to gain injury, and don't forget to visit our 681 00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:01,319 Speaker 1: online store at their Prey for Black girls dot com 682 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:05,000 Speaker 1: slash shop, where you can find our guided affirmation track, 683 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,480 Speaker 1: break up journal, and your favorite therapy for Black Girls 684 00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,719 Speaker 1: T shirts and mugs. Thank you all so much for 685 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,680 Speaker 1: joining me again this week. I look forward to continue 686 00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:18,279 Speaker 1: in this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,