WEBVTT - Stop People Pleasing 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:02.080 Every single yes that you give to someone else ends 0:00:02.120 --> 0:00:04.200 up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in 0:00:04.240 --> 0:00:07.080 yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say 0:00:07.120 --> 0:00:10.320 I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships 0:00:10.400 --> 0:00:13.800 become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:16.320 up falling in love with this agreeable version of you, 0:00:16.440 --> 0:00:17.119 not the real you. 0:00:17.560 --> 0:00:20.119 I'm rather d Wlukiah and on my podcast A Really 0:00:20.120 --> 0:00:24.120 Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:28.080 a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:31.360 allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find 0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:32.160 comfort together. 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:34.519 Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:36.440 A Really Good Cry. When we try and get really 0:00:36.520 --> 0:00:39.319 honest about health, healing and all the habits that can 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:41.839 really help to change our lives. Okay, I'm going to 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:44.960 ask you something and it may feel like it's completely 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:46.040 directed towards you. 0:00:47.479 --> 0:00:49.040 It's not, but it kind of is. 0:00:49.080 --> 0:00:53.360 Okay, how many times have you said yes to something 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:55.920 when every single fiber of your being wants to say no? 0:00:56.200 --> 0:00:58.840 How many times have you agreed to plans taken on 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:03.160 work or apology not because you wanted to, but you 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:06.000 were just trying to avoid conflict, to be liked, or 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:08.240 to keep the peace. If that felt like it was 0:01:08.280 --> 0:01:11.160 targeted towards you, it probably was because you've opened this 0:01:11.200 --> 0:01:15.160 podcast because you are possibly a people pleaser and you're 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:17.959 trying to break that habit just like I am. And 0:01:18.000 --> 0:01:20.160 so we're going to do it together because if your 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:23.039 answer to any of either of those questions was yes, 0:01:23.720 --> 0:01:26.920 it probably is a people pleasing issue that you've got 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:29.039 going on. To be honest, I think I've been a 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:33.160 people pleaser since I can remember, and it's always from 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:35.440 like the little things of what do you want to eat? 0:01:35.520 --> 0:01:36.800 Oh? Nothing? What do you want to eat? I know 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:38.200 I want to eat pizza. Why am I not saying 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:39.120 I want to eat pizza? 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:44.280 To the bigger things in life where you are suppressing 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:47.520 your once your needs in life because you have this 0:01:47.600 --> 0:01:50.360 simple but really strong desire to be liked or loved 0:01:50.560 --> 0:01:53.640 and you end up relating what you do for other 0:01:53.680 --> 0:01:56.880 people or the words that you say to other people 0:01:57.040 --> 0:02:01.080 with whether they're going to like, love you, or still 0:02:01.080 --> 0:02:03.640 stay in your life. I think this is definitely an 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:05.720 episode that look is not going to take away your 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:09.520 people pleasing habits because it's something that's really deep rooted, 0:02:10.000 --> 0:02:11.880 but I really hope that it helps you to work 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:16.240 through them, helps you to recognize where they are exhibiting themselves. 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:20.000 The most, but also helps you to realize. 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:24.800 That love and care and being liked is not dependent 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:26.760 on what you do for other people. And that's something 0:02:26.919 --> 0:02:29.960 that's a relationship and a connection that takes a long 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:34.120 time to take a part to separate those two. But 0:02:34.200 --> 0:02:36.680 at least hopefully this becomes the start of you thinking 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:39.600 about it and working through it. Look, here's the truth. 0:02:39.919 --> 0:02:44.560 People pleasing is not actually kindness. It is self abandonment. 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:48.040 It is putting everyone else, everyone else's needs above your 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:53.040 own until you're left resentful, drained, and honestly invisible. So 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:55.920 today I want to break this down. Why do we 0:02:55.960 --> 0:02:58.960 do it, what it costs us, and most importantly, how 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:02.040 do we stop it? Because living your whole life to 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:05.400 be liked is the fastest way to lose yourself. Trust me, 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:09.320 I've been there, I've done it. I'm currently in recovery. 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:11.800 So let's do this together. 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:11.960 Shall we. 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:14.840 And you know what, one of the biggest things I 0:03:14.880 --> 0:03:20.000 think as a former slash still people pleaser, is that 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:23.920 we end up thinking that it is kindness, that we 0:03:23.960 --> 0:03:26.239 are actually doing things that are nice for other people, 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:27.400 and of course it is. 0:03:27.520 --> 0:03:28.600 There is an element of. 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:31.919 That, but a big part of it is actually fueled 0:03:32.040 --> 0:03:34.520 by a deeper desire to be liked, And so when 0:03:34.560 --> 0:03:37.120 you are doing things from a different intention, it actually 0:03:37.160 --> 0:03:39.960 does have a different action and a different reaction, and 0:03:40.040 --> 0:03:43.920 so people pleasing is actually not necessarily being kind. True 0:03:44.040 --> 0:03:48.480 kindness is free flowing. It comes from a place of love, 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:52.200 and people pleasing ends up coming actually from fear. It 0:03:52.240 --> 0:03:55.480 can look like saying yes when you mean no, overapologizing, 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:59.520 or you've done absolutely nothing wrong, taking responsibility for other 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:03.240 people's moods, maybe keeping quiet so no one else disagrees 0:04:03.280 --> 0:04:05.600 with you. And most of us actually learn this from 0:04:05.600 --> 0:04:07.800 a young age. I hear this a lot when therapists 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:10.200 are talking about people pleasing. They say, maybe it's how 0:04:10.240 --> 0:04:13.040 you're raised. Maybe it's how you're praised when you were 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:15.680 younger for being the easy child. You're so easy going, 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:18.680 you never cause any trouble. Or maybe you grew up 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:20.719 in a house where conflict wasn't safe, so you just 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:23.440 learned to smooth things over just to survive. I heard 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:25.320 this therapist actually have a name for this, and it's 0:04:25.320 --> 0:04:28.279 called the faun response. You've heard a fight or flight, 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:31.360 I'm sure, or even freeze, But fawn is when your 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:34.400 nervous system tries to keep you safe by pleasing others. 0:04:35.000 --> 0:04:36.920 But the thing is, when you end up doing something 0:04:36.960 --> 0:04:39.919 for someone else and you end up resentful. Is that 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:43.320 really giving? Is that really kindness? And the fact is 0:04:43.400 --> 0:04:45.400 every single yes that you give to someone else ends 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:47.520 up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:50.400 yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say 0:04:50.440 --> 0:04:53.640 I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:57.120 become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end 0:04:57.200 --> 0:04:59.640 up falling in love with this agreeable version of you, 0:04:59.839 --> 0:05:02.520 the real you, and so you're slowly chipping away at 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:05.280 this relationship that you're trying to build with yourself. You 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:08.440 end up being an unsafe space for yourself. It's literally 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:11.000 like a partner that keeps lying to you over and 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:13.679 over again. How unsafe do you feel with that person? 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:16.320 How unsure do you feel with that person? And so, 0:05:16.400 --> 0:05:19.240 in the same way, if you start chipping away at 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:22.720 your own trust in yourself, you no longer feel safe 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:25.360 in your own body. In your own mind. And at 0:05:25.360 --> 0:05:26.760 the end of the day, even if other people don't 0:05:26.760 --> 0:05:29.440 know you're lying, you definitely know you're lying. Deep down. 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:31.880 Your body knows when you are not in agreement, in 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:35.039 alignment with what you truly want. And so you get 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:38.120 further and further away from yourself, and your relationships end 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:42.240 up becoming unbalanced and not true in connection because you 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:45.159 can't be true without truthfulness. And so whether it's with 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.480 yourself or whether it's with other people, you end up 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:51.120 thinking you're doing the better I totally get that. You 0:05:51.200 --> 0:05:53.479 end up thinking you're doing the right thing, and you're 0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:55.360 doing it for this other person. I'm just going to 0:05:55.440 --> 0:05:58.520 be agreeable, and I'm just gonna not bring up things 0:05:58.520 --> 0:06:01.160 when I feel conflict, and I'm going to over extend 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:06.640 myself to do things for this person, whoever it is, friend, relationship, father, mother, 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.559 whoever is in your life. But the problem is, because 0:06:09.600 --> 0:06:12.920 there is an untruthful aspect to it, it actually does 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:16.520 not bring you closer. If anything, it will slowly build 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:19.600 a rift between your relationships with yourself or with the 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:22.360 other person. Because part of it is a little bit 0:06:22.360 --> 0:06:24.400 of an act. Right, people end up falling in love 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:27.080 with this agreeable version of you that you've created, not 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:29.440 the real you, not the one, not the one who 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:33.360 has opinions and ideas and disagrees with things. It's not 0:06:33.480 --> 0:06:35.800 It's this version of you that you might have molded 0:06:35.800 --> 0:06:38.520 yourself to become because you believe that that's going to 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:40.839 keep people in your life. And you know what, This 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:43.240 can run so deep. It can be from this fear 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:46.600 of rejection. It can be this fear of if I 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:49.240 stop people pleasing, I will be abandoned. This person's going 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:51.479 to leave me if I end up saying how I feel, 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:54.200 saying what I want, being the person that I truly am. 0:06:54.400 --> 0:06:57.640 Sometimes it can be tied to our insecurities, sometimes to 0:06:58.000 --> 0:07:01.120 dependent personality traits. I'm going to depend on this person 0:07:01.440 --> 0:07:04.640 to make me feel good about myself. But either way, 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:07.320 the route is the same. If I am not useful, 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:10.080 I am not lovable, and that is the essence of 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:13.000 people pleasing. If I am not useful to this person, 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:16.120 I am not lovable. But I need you to understand, 0:07:17.040 --> 0:07:20.000 and this is the truth, that that is not true 0:07:20.160 --> 0:07:23.560 at all. You have to separate the idea of being 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:26.040 useful and the idea of being lovable. That is just 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:29.240 something that you've been trained to believe or have had 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:31.680 a life where that has been shown to you in 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.280 some way, But that is so far from the truth. 0:07:34.640 --> 0:07:36.640 So if you think about the traits of a people pleaser, 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:38.880 let me know if this ends up standing a little 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:43.520 bit familiar, always accommodating to others, rarely saying no, feeling 0:07:43.640 --> 0:07:47.800 valuable only when you are complying, apologizing when no apology 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:51.840 is required, taking the blame when it isn't yours, making 0:07:51.880 --> 0:07:55.560 excuses for other people, feeling anxious if someone's upset with you, 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:59.280 and over extending yourself, and you know how you know 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:02.080 you're over sending. It's when what you did out of 0:08:02.160 --> 0:08:05.520 kindness leaves you feeling resentful or angry. That is not 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:08.080 being kind and that is not you being generous. That 0:08:08.280 --> 0:08:11.760 is you doing something that you actually don't want to do. 0:08:11.960 --> 0:08:14.480 And then the resentfulness and the anger is your body 0:08:14.480 --> 0:08:16.400 and your mind telling you that you shouldn't have done that, 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:18.280 actually didn't want to do that, but you forced me 0:08:18.320 --> 0:08:20.960 to do it, and your desire to be liked or 0:08:21.000 --> 0:08:24.720 loved ended up trumping my desire to actually do this. 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:27.200 It's a sign that you have given more than you 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:30.840 had to give. You've given beyond your capacity and your ability. 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:33.240 So how do we break this pattern? How do we 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:35.840 even begin to break this especially if it's been so 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:38.600 deep rooted and lasted for so long. So the first 0:08:38.600 --> 0:08:40.920 thing is you need to know your boundaries. It is 0:08:40.920 --> 0:08:43.319 so important to know your limits and to establish these 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:46.640 clear boundaries and then communicate those limits. You have to 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:49.360 be really clear and specific about what they are and 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:51.560 what you're willing to take on in your life. And 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:53.520 if it seems like someone is asking for two months, 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:55.600 you have to be able to let them know that 0:08:55.679 --> 0:08:58.080 it is over your limits of what you are willing 0:08:58.120 --> 0:08:59.960 to do, and that you won't be able to help. 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:03.679 But knowing you need boundaries and actually knowing what they 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:07.480 are are two different things. So to set boundaries, you 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:10.400 need to know what your boundaries are, and if you've 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.280 not been used to setting them your whole life, you 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:15.160 may not even know what they are. You may not 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:17.719 even know how to start to figure out what they are. 0:09:18.160 --> 0:09:20.720 And so to figure this out, you're going to need 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:23.360 to do a little getting to know yourself, a little 0:09:23.360 --> 0:09:26.920 reflection every single day. So these are some things to 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:29.080 ask yourself and some things to consider. 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:32.720 Start off with your triggers. Notice when you feel resentful 0:09:32.920 --> 0:09:36.560 or drained, or anxious or angry after saying yes, those 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:39.679 are clear signals that a boundary has been crossed. And 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:41.040 so notice when that happens. 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:43.320 Is it when you say yes to going out somewhere 0:09:43.320 --> 0:09:45.680 when you don't have the energy to Is it when 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:49.120 someone asks you to do something for them and you 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:52.240 can't help but take full control of it? You know, 0:09:52.320 --> 0:09:54.880 what is it that you do for other people or 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:57.240 even in your life that once you do, it makes 0:09:57.280 --> 0:10:01.480 you feel resentful, drained, anxious, or anger after you've said yes, 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:04.360 sometimes even after you've completed the task. And once you 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:06.800 start recognizing this or becoming aware of it, it's actually 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:08.800 so easy to notice. It's like as soon as a 0:10:08.840 --> 0:10:10.120 friend says, hey, could you pick me up from the 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:12.760 airport and you say, yeah, of course I will. After 0:10:12.800 --> 0:10:14.560 you're like, oh my god, I have to do all 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:16.319 of this stuff, and now I have to go and 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:18.000 pick her up from the airport and that's going to 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:19.520 take an hour there and an hour back. 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:22.319 I wish I hadn't said yes. That's your sign. 0:10:22.840 --> 0:10:25.319 That's your sign that you actually didn't want to say yes, 0:10:25.360 --> 0:10:28.440 but you said yes because of this reason, or a 0:10:28.480 --> 0:10:30.520 work colleague says, hey, do you mind just working a 0:10:30.559 --> 0:10:32.640 little bit extra because I need to leave a little 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:34.440 bit early, and you say, yeah, of course, I will 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:37.640 whatever you need. And actually you had plans and you'd 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:40.240 already committed to something, and you wish you hadn't said yes, 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:43.080 but you did. And so whenever you notice this negative 0:10:43.160 --> 0:10:47.000 reaction in your heart in your mind to where yes 0:10:47.080 --> 0:10:49.439 that you have said, that is a sign that that's 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:51.120 a trigger for you, and that's a sign that that's 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:53.400 a boundary that you need to figure out. That feeling 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:56.280 is your body's alarm system. Saying a boundary was crust. 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:58.640 Another question that you should ask yourself is when did 0:10:58.640 --> 0:11:01.720 I feel overextended this week? And what was the moment 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:04.480 I knew I didn't want to do it? So think 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:06.920 about all these times that you felt like you have 0:11:07.040 --> 0:11:10.319 put too much of yourself into something, But then also 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:12.480 think about when was that moment I knew it? Was 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:15.040 it actually before I even said yes, I was already 0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:17.200 saying no in my head, but I ignored it. Was 0:11:17.240 --> 0:11:19.960 it after the action was done? Was it the moment 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:22.880 I said yes? Try and see where you start to 0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:27.200 recognize your body or your mind actually resisting each moment, 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:29.960 each time that you've said yes or overextended yourself in 0:11:29.960 --> 0:11:30.960 a way that you didn't want to. 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:33.839 Next up, you have to clarify what your non negotiables are. 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:37.240 Ask yourself, what do I absolutely need in my life 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:40.080 in order to feel safe, respected, and well? Write all 0:11:40.120 --> 0:11:42.679 those things down. There might be lots on each list, 0:11:42.920 --> 0:11:45.680 but know what you need in your life from yourself 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:49.320 and from others to feel safe, respected and well. For example, 0:11:49.360 --> 0:11:51.640 I need one hour alone every single morning, or I 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:54.080 need advanced notice for plans, or I need to be 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:56.040 spoken to respectfully. What does that mean? 0:11:56.240 --> 0:11:58.839 What are the non negotiable things that you don't want 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:00.360 people to be able to say to you or do 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:03.360 to you. I actually have two best friends in London 0:12:03.840 --> 0:12:07.679 who we all well. Two of us have really similar 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:11.680 ways of spending time together. We're both very spontaneous. It 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:13.199 could be a hey, do you want to hang out 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:16.640 in like an hour? And our third friend, she is 0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:21.520 someone who absolutely despises spontaneous last minute get together. She 0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:24.120 wants to know a month in advance, a week in advance. 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:26.640 She wants to know exactly what time we're meeting. She 0:12:26.760 --> 0:12:31.920 needs advanced notice like a lot, and we really struggled 0:12:31.960 --> 0:12:34.840 with that at first, and then I realized I still 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:36.520 am quite bad at it because I'm just a very 0:12:36.520 --> 0:12:39.320 spontaneous person. But it made me realize how important it 0:12:39.360 --> 0:12:40.920 is to her because she really does want to spend 0:12:40.920 --> 0:12:44.960 time together. But for her, having this advanced notice allows 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:47.400 her to prepare her mind, allows her to prepare her 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:50.000 time accordingly, so she can make sure that she's present 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:53.080 and there for us in the moments that we're going 0:12:53.120 --> 0:12:55.800 to be spending together. And so it was something that 0:12:55.840 --> 0:12:59.520 she has very clearly told us that I need notice 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:03.640 advance to notice whenever we're meeting, and we've had to 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:06.200 really respect that and appreciate that, even if it's not 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:10.080 something that I do normally for myself, because I care 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:12.960 about her and because she has actually had the ability 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:16.600 to set that boundary and tell us, I really respect that, 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:18.680 and I really have to respect it as a friend 0:13:18.720 --> 0:13:20.160 because it takes a lot to even be able to 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:22.720 share something like that. Next up, you need to notice 0:13:22.920 --> 0:13:25.600 when it is that you actually betray yourself, Like in 0:13:25.640 --> 0:13:29.280 what moments do you end up over extending or saying 0:13:29.320 --> 0:13:33.320 yes to things? Is it when you're really exhausted, when 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:35.720 you're agreeing to just keep the peace. Is it in 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:37.839 a work environment, is it in your home environment? Is 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:41.400 it in your relationship? Notice in what areas you are 0:13:41.440 --> 0:13:45.559 most likely to give in or do your people pleasing tendencies. 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:48.199 We also have to be able to define our capacity, 0:13:48.280 --> 0:13:51.079 because boundaries aren't just about what others can't do to you. 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:54.719 It's also about what you can realistically give. Sometimes it's 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:57.880 not about people crossing your boundary. It's about you giving 0:13:57.920 --> 0:14:00.080 more than you can handle, or giving more than you 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:02.680 realize you have in you to be able to. 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.240 And so you need to realize what your capacity is. 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:09.120 So I remember when I was trying to make friends 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.160 in new environments. I'd keep trying to set up individual 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:14.640 time to spend with people to try and build a relationship. 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:17.679 And I realize that I'm actually I get quite exhausted 0:14:17.800 --> 0:14:21.280 being around people often, especially with being at events and 0:14:21.640 --> 0:14:24.480 social environments and things like that. And so I realized 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:27.680 I have a specific capacity for the amount of social 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.560 interaction I can do in groups and one to one. 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:32.680 And so now I know I can maybe meet someone 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:36.160 one to one maybe twice a week, but I can 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:38.400 do a lot more social gatherings where there's more people, 0:14:38.440 --> 0:14:42.560 because it requires a lot less energy investment in that moment. 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:45.880 And so I'm really clear and specific now about how 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:48.600 many social gatherings I can say yes to when it's 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:51.520 a group setting or lots of people, and how many 0:14:51.560 --> 0:14:53.480 times a week I can say yes to meeting someone 0:14:53.480 --> 0:14:55.560 one on one. It's something that I've learned over time 0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:57.640 where I don't want to be dreading going to see someone. 0:14:57.760 --> 0:14:59.280 No one's got gun to my head saying you have 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:02.000 to go see this. So why am I ending up 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:03.880 saying yes to things that I don't want to go to? 0:15:04.200 --> 0:15:05.880 Not fair on them because I don't come there with 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:08.720 the right energy, and also not good for me because 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:12.800 then I'm regretting saying yes and then feeling negative about 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:15.520 having this interaction with that person, when in fact, if 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:18.360 I said no, reschedule it for a time where would 0:15:18.360 --> 0:15:20.720 probably have more energy, that'd be more beneficial for both 0:15:20.760 --> 0:15:23.240 of us. And so, really figure out what your capacity 0:15:23.320 --> 0:15:26.040 is and in the areas that you tend to struggle, 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:29.400 become really clear about what that looks like. And maybe 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:31.680 it is even like this many times a week situation 0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:33.600 that you have to set with yourself. 0:15:33.320 --> 0:15:35.880 And that can be an energy, time or money. So 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:39.520 how much energy, time, money, or emotional space do I 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.080 actually have right now? And what does that mean? 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:43.880 Okay, if my friend has an issue going on right 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:45.680 now in her life and she needs to call me 0:15:45.720 --> 0:15:48.080 every single day, do I have the energy to handle 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:48.640 that right now? 0:15:48.680 --> 0:15:51.880 Do I have the time? This person wants to borrow 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:53.440 money off me? Do I have the money to give? 0:15:53.560 --> 0:15:55.440 Or am I really going to be overextending myself where 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:58.360 I then aren't able to support my own self. And 0:15:58.360 --> 0:16:01.360 your capacity will shift with seasons of life, and so 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:04.240 your boundaries will too, and so you can continuously check 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:07.720 in with yourself because sometimes I have so much energy 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:10.200 to give to people, I could be unlimited having people 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:13.520 over here every single week, pouring into people, and then 0:16:13.560 --> 0:16:15.640 at times I feel really depleted where I have to 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:17.920 become a hermit and I don't feel like being around anybody. 0:16:18.320 --> 0:16:20.680 And so you have to be very in tune with 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:23.440 how you're feeling to really be able to allow that 0:16:23.480 --> 0:16:26.080 capacity to shift, and also to be able to know 0:16:26.160 --> 0:16:29.200 how many boundaries you need and where they should lie 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:31.680 or sit. Our body is telling us things all the time. 0:16:32.240 --> 0:16:34.160 We just have to be able to listen your body 0:16:34.200 --> 0:16:36.440 will tell you when a boundary is being crossed, whether 0:16:36.440 --> 0:16:38.360 it's your tight chest and not in your stomach. 0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:39.480 Physically, you will feel it. 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:43.040 Your face goes red, you feel drained and energy after 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.840 an interaction. Learn to treat those sensations in your physical 0:16:46.840 --> 0:16:52.080 body as information and not just dismiss them as a discomfort. 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:52.760 You know what. 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:55.800 The next one is going to feel a little bit harsh, 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:59.360 But it's something I really had to drill into myself 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:01.960 because I think a big part of people pleasing you 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.600 also end up having a little bit of a victim mindset. 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:07.679 So you have to change and shift your mindset. You 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:09.920 have to stop telling yourself that you do so much 0:17:09.960 --> 0:17:12.560 for people and that people owe you. Most of us 0:17:12.640 --> 0:17:15.560 walk around with this invisible contract in our heads. If 0:17:15.560 --> 0:17:17.240 I do this for you, you'll do this for me. 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:20.359 If I show up, you'll appreciate me. If I sacrifice, 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:22.800 you'll love me back. Everyone has their own little contracts 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:25.560 or agreements that you create in your mind to help 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:26.679 you feel good about yourself. 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:29.280 It's a really natural tendency for me. 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:31.640 It's like, oh, if I insert myself into your life 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:34.680 and I help resolve all your problems, then you can't 0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:38.240 get rid of me. There forever, you're gonna have to 0:17:38.280 --> 0:17:40.359 rely on me. You're gonna have to depend on me, 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:43.920 and then I become something that can't be removed from 0:17:43.920 --> 0:17:44.359 your life. 0:17:44.400 --> 0:17:45.320 I have a habit of doing that. 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:47.960 Whether it's with my family, whether it's with friends, I 0:17:48.080 --> 0:17:49.760 end up trying to insert myself to try and be 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:53.000 a fixer and solve their problems, and my mind if 0:17:53.000 --> 0:17:56.080 someone's telling me their problems becomes a fixer mentality more 0:17:56.119 --> 0:17:58.040 than it is I'm here to listen. 0:17:58.080 --> 0:18:00.440 I'm like, no, I'm going to help resolve this right now. 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:04.840 But I had to detach from thinking what does this 0:18:04.880 --> 0:18:06.240 person owe me in return? 0:18:06.560 --> 0:18:09.000 You're not giving to receive. That's not how giving works. 0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:12.000 You have to be willing to give to your capacity 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:15.119 that you can without the expectation of them giving you 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:16.600 the same back or anything back. 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:17.560 To be honest, that is. 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:23.560 The biggest lesson in disappointment is reducing your expectations to 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:26.440 very little or none. And if you are doing something 0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:29.400 for someone, do not do it with something in mind 0:18:29.440 --> 0:18:32.040 that you want in return, because then you're really not 0:18:32.080 --> 0:18:34.480 giving with the right intention. And so it's not always 0:18:34.480 --> 0:18:36.520 the other people that are in the wrong it's not 0:18:36.560 --> 0:18:39.600 always the other people, because sometimes we put ourselves into 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:42.399 that situation. It's not always the other person that is 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:44.320 in the wrong. It's what we are choosing to do 0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:47.160