Speaker 1: Every single yes that you give to someone else ends
Speaker 1: up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in
Speaker 1: yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say
Speaker 1: I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships
Speaker 1: become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end
Speaker 1: up falling in love with this agreeable version of you,
Speaker 1: not the real you.
Speaker 2: I'm rather d Wlukiah and on my podcast A Really
Speaker 2: Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
Speaker 2: a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
Speaker 2: allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
Speaker 2: comfort together.
Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. When we try and get really
Speaker 1: honest about health, healing and all the habits that can
Speaker 1: really help to change our lives. Okay, I'm going to
Speaker 1: ask you something and it may feel like it's completely
Speaker 1: directed towards you.
Speaker 3: It's not, but it kind of is.
Speaker 1: Okay, how many times have you said yes to something
Speaker 1: when every single fiber of your being wants to say no?
Speaker 1: How many times have you agreed to plans taken on
Speaker 1: work or apology not because you wanted to, but you
Speaker 1: were just trying to avoid conflict, to be liked, or
Speaker 1: to keep the peace. If that felt like it was
Speaker 1: targeted towards you, it probably was because you've opened this
Speaker 1: podcast because you are possibly a people pleaser and you're
Speaker 1: trying to break that habit just like I am. And
Speaker 1: so we're going to do it together because if your
Speaker 1: answer to any of either of those questions was yes,
Speaker 1: it probably is a people pleasing issue that you've got
Speaker 1: going on. To be honest, I think I've been a
Speaker 1: people pleaser since I can remember, and it's always from
Speaker 1: like the little things of what do you want to eat?
Speaker 3: Oh? Nothing? What do you want to eat? I know
Speaker 3: I want to eat pizza. Why am I not saying
Speaker 3: I want to eat pizza?
Speaker 1: To the bigger things in life where you are suppressing
Speaker 1: your once your needs in life because you have this
Speaker 1: simple but really strong desire to be liked or loved
Speaker 1: and you end up relating what you do for other
Speaker 1: people or the words that you say to other people
Speaker 1: with whether they're going to like, love you, or still
Speaker 1: stay in your life. I think this is definitely an
Speaker 1: episode that look is not going to take away your
Speaker 1: people pleasing habits because it's something that's really deep rooted,
Speaker 1: but I really hope that it helps you to work
Speaker 1: through them, helps you to recognize where they are exhibiting themselves.
Speaker 3: The most, but also helps you to realize.
Speaker 1: That love and care and being liked is not dependent
Speaker 1: on what you do for other people. And that's something
Speaker 1: that's a relationship and a connection that takes a long
Speaker 1: time to take a part to separate those two. But
Speaker 1: at least hopefully this becomes the start of you thinking
Speaker 1: about it and working through it. Look, here's the truth.
Speaker 1: People pleasing is not actually kindness. It is self abandonment.
Speaker 1: It is putting everyone else, everyone else's needs above your
Speaker 1: own until you're left resentful, drained, and honestly invisible. So
Speaker 1: today I want to break this down. Why do we
Speaker 1: do it, what it costs us, and most importantly, how
Speaker 1: do we stop it? Because living your whole life to
Speaker 1: be liked is the fastest way to lose yourself. Trust me,
Speaker 1: I've been there, I've done it. I'm currently in recovery.
Speaker 1: So let's do this together.
Speaker 3: Shall we.
Speaker 1: And you know what, one of the biggest things I
Speaker 1: think as a former slash still people pleaser, is that
Speaker 1: we end up thinking that it is kindness, that we
Speaker 1: are actually doing things that are nice for other people,
Speaker 1: and of course it is.
Speaker 3: There is an element of.
Speaker 1: That, but a big part of it is actually fueled
Speaker 1: by a deeper desire to be liked, And so when
Speaker 1: you are doing things from a different intention, it actually
Speaker 1: does have a different action and a different reaction, and
Speaker 1: so people pleasing is actually not necessarily being kind. True
Speaker 1: kindness is free flowing. It comes from a place of love,
Speaker 1: and people pleasing ends up coming actually from fear. It
Speaker 1: can look like saying yes when you mean no, overapologizing,
Speaker 1: or you've done absolutely nothing wrong, taking responsibility for other
Speaker 1: people's moods, maybe keeping quiet so no one else disagrees
Speaker 1: with you. And most of us actually learn this from
Speaker 1: a young age. I hear this a lot when therapists
Speaker 1: are talking about people pleasing. They say, maybe it's how
Speaker 1: you're raised. Maybe it's how you're praised when you were
Speaker 1: younger for being the easy child. You're so easy going,
Speaker 1: you never cause any trouble. Or maybe you grew up
Speaker 1: in a house where conflict wasn't safe, so you just
Speaker 1: learned to smooth things over just to survive. I heard
Speaker 1: this therapist actually have a name for this, and it's
Speaker 1: called the faun response. You've heard a fight or flight,
Speaker 1: I'm sure, or even freeze, But fawn is when your
Speaker 1: nervous system tries to keep you safe by pleasing others.
Speaker 1: But the thing is, when you end up doing something
Speaker 1: for someone else and you end up resentful. Is that
Speaker 1: really giving? Is that really kindness? And the fact is
Speaker 1: every single yes that you give to someone else ends
Speaker 1: up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in
Speaker 1: yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say
Speaker 1: I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships
Speaker 1: become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end
Speaker 1: up falling in love with this agreeable version of you,
Speaker 1: the real you, and so you're slowly chipping away at
Speaker 1: this relationship that you're trying to build with yourself. You
Speaker 1: end up being an unsafe space for yourself. It's literally
Speaker 1: like a partner that keeps lying to you over and
Speaker 1: over again. How unsafe do you feel with that person?
Speaker 1: How unsure do you feel with that person? And so,
Speaker 1: in the same way, if you start chipping away at
Speaker 1: your own trust in yourself, you no longer feel safe
Speaker 1: in your own body. In your own mind. And at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, even if other people don't
Speaker 1: know you're lying, you definitely know you're lying. Deep down.
Speaker 1: Your body knows when you are not in agreement, in
Speaker 1: alignment with what you truly want. And so you get
Speaker 1: further and further away from yourself, and your relationships end
Speaker 1: up becoming unbalanced and not true in connection because you
Speaker 1: can't be true without truthfulness. And so whether it's with
Speaker 1: yourself or whether it's with other people, you end up
Speaker 1: thinking you're doing the better I totally get that. You
Speaker 1: end up thinking you're doing the right thing, and you're
Speaker 1: doing it for this other person. I'm just going to
Speaker 1: be agreeable, and I'm just gonna not bring up things
Speaker 1: when I feel conflict, and I'm going to over extend
Speaker 1: myself to do things for this person, whoever it is, friend, relationship, father, mother,
Speaker 1: whoever is in your life. But the problem is, because
Speaker 1: there is an untruthful aspect to it, it actually does
Speaker 1: not bring you closer. If anything, it will slowly build
Speaker 1: a rift between your relationships with yourself or with the
Speaker 1: other person. Because part of it is a little bit
Speaker 1: of an act. Right, people end up falling in love
Speaker 1: with this agreeable version of you that you've created, not
Speaker 1: the real you, not the one, not the one who
Speaker 1: has opinions and ideas and disagrees with things. It's not
Speaker 1: It's this version of you that you might have molded
Speaker 1: yourself to become because you believe that that's going to
Speaker 1: keep people in your life. And you know what, This
Speaker 1: can run so deep. It can be from this fear
Speaker 1: of rejection. It can be this fear of if I
Speaker 1: stop people pleasing, I will be abandoned. This person's going
Speaker 1: to leave me if I end up saying how I feel,
Speaker 1: saying what I want, being the person that I truly am.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it can be tied to our insecurities, sometimes to
Speaker 1: dependent personality traits. I'm going to depend on this person
Speaker 1: to make me feel good about myself. But either way,
Speaker 1: the route is the same. If I am not useful,
Speaker 1: I am not lovable, and that is the essence of
Speaker 1: people pleasing. If I am not useful to this person,
Speaker 1: I am not lovable. But I need you to understand,
Speaker 1: and this is the truth, that that is not true
Speaker 1: at all. You have to separate the idea of being
Speaker 1: useful and the idea of being lovable. That is just
Speaker 1: something that you've been trained to believe or have had
Speaker 1: a life where that has been shown to you in
Speaker 1: some way, But that is so far from the truth.
Speaker 1: So if you think about the traits of a people pleaser,
Speaker 1: let me know if this ends up standing a little
Speaker 1: bit familiar, always accommodating to others, rarely saying no, feeling
Speaker 1: valuable only when you are complying, apologizing when no apology
Speaker 1: is required, taking the blame when it isn't yours, making
Speaker 1: excuses for other people, feeling anxious if someone's upset with you,
Speaker 1: and over extending yourself, and you know how you know
Speaker 1: you're over sending. It's when what you did out of
Speaker 1: kindness leaves you feeling resentful or angry. That is not
Speaker 1: being kind and that is not you being generous. That
Speaker 1: is you doing something that you actually don't want to do.
Speaker 1: And then the resentfulness and the anger is your body
Speaker 1: and your mind telling you that you shouldn't have done that,
Speaker 1: actually didn't want to do that, but you forced me
Speaker 1: to do it, and your desire to be liked or
Speaker 1: loved ended up trumping my desire to actually do this.
Speaker 1: It's a sign that you have given more than you
Speaker 1: had to give. You've given beyond your capacity and your ability.
Speaker 1: So how do we break this pattern? How do we
Speaker 1: even begin to break this especially if it's been so
Speaker 1: deep rooted and lasted for so long. So the first
Speaker 1: thing is you need to know your boundaries. It is
Speaker 1: so important to know your limits and to establish these
Speaker 1: clear boundaries and then communicate those limits. You have to
Speaker 1: be really clear and specific about what they are and
Speaker 1: what you're willing to take on in your life. And
Speaker 1: if it seems like someone is asking for two months,
Speaker 1: you have to be able to let them know that
Speaker 1: it is over your limits of what you are willing
Speaker 1: to do, and that you won't be able to help.
Speaker 1: But knowing you need boundaries and actually knowing what they
Speaker 1: are are two different things. So to set boundaries, you
Speaker 1: need to know what your boundaries are, and if you've
Speaker 1: not been used to setting them your whole life, you
Speaker 1: may not even know what they are. You may not
Speaker 1: even know how to start to figure out what they are.
Speaker 1: And so to figure this out, you're going to need
Speaker 1: to do a little getting to know yourself, a little
Speaker 1: reflection every single day. So these are some things to
Speaker 1: ask yourself and some things to consider.
Speaker 3: Start off with your triggers. Notice when you feel resentful
Speaker 3: or drained, or anxious or angry after saying yes, those
Speaker 3: are clear signals that a boundary has been crossed. And
Speaker 3: so notice when that happens.
Speaker 1: Is it when you say yes to going out somewhere
Speaker 1: when you don't have the energy to Is it when
Speaker 1: someone asks you to do something for them and you
Speaker 1: can't help but take full control of it? You know,
Speaker 1: what is it that you do for other people or
Speaker 1: even in your life that once you do, it makes
Speaker 1: you feel resentful, drained, anxious, or anger after you've said yes,
Speaker 1: sometimes even after you've completed the task. And once you
Speaker 1: start recognizing this or becoming aware of it, it's actually
Speaker 1: so easy to notice. It's like as soon as a
Speaker 1: friend says, hey, could you pick me up from the
Speaker 1: airport and you say, yeah, of course I will. After
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, I have to do all
Speaker 1: of this stuff, and now I have to go and
Speaker 1: pick her up from the airport and that's going to
Speaker 1: take an hour there and an hour back.
Speaker 3: I wish I hadn't said yes. That's your sign.
Speaker 1: That's your sign that you actually didn't want to say yes,
Speaker 1: but you said yes because of this reason, or a
Speaker 1: work colleague says, hey, do you mind just working a
Speaker 1: little bit extra because I need to leave a little
Speaker 1: bit early, and you say, yeah, of course, I will
Speaker 1: whatever you need. And actually you had plans and you'd
Speaker 1: already committed to something, and you wish you hadn't said yes,
Speaker 1: but you did. And so whenever you notice this negative
Speaker 1: reaction in your heart in your mind to where yes
Speaker 1: that you have said, that is a sign that that's
Speaker 1: a trigger for you, and that's a sign that that's
Speaker 1: a boundary that you need to figure out. That feeling
Speaker 1: is your body's alarm system. Saying a boundary was crust.
Speaker 1: Another question that you should ask yourself is when did
Speaker 1: I feel overextended this week? And what was the moment
Speaker 1: I knew I didn't want to do it? So think
Speaker 1: about all these times that you felt like you have
Speaker 1: put too much of yourself into something, But then also
Speaker 1: think about when was that moment I knew it? Was
Speaker 1: it actually before I even said yes, I was already
Speaker 1: saying no in my head, but I ignored it. Was
Speaker 1: it after the action was done? Was it the moment
Speaker 1: I said yes? Try and see where you start to
Speaker 1: recognize your body or your mind actually resisting each moment,
Speaker 1: each time that you've said yes or overextended yourself in
Speaker 1: a way that you didn't want to.
Speaker 3: Next up, you have to clarify what your non negotiables are.
Speaker 3: Ask yourself, what do I absolutely need in my life
Speaker 3: in order to feel safe, respected, and well? Write all
Speaker 3: those things down. There might be lots on each list,
Speaker 3: but know what you need in your life from yourself
Speaker 3: and from others to feel safe, respected and well. For example,
Speaker 3: I need one hour alone every single morning, or I
Speaker 3: need advanced notice for plans, or I need to be
Speaker 3: spoken to respectfully. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: What are the non negotiable things that you don't want
Speaker 1: people to be able to say to you or do
Speaker 1: to you. I actually have two best friends in London
Speaker 1: who we all well. Two of us have really similar
Speaker 1: ways of spending time together. We're both very spontaneous. It
Speaker 1: could be a hey, do you want to hang out
Speaker 1: in like an hour? And our third friend, she is
Speaker 1: someone who absolutely despises spontaneous last minute get together. She
Speaker 1: wants to know a month in advance, a week in advance.
Speaker 1: She wants to know exactly what time we're meeting. She
Speaker 1: needs advanced notice like a lot, and we really struggled
Speaker 1: with that at first, and then I realized I still
Speaker 1: am quite bad at it because I'm just a very
Speaker 1: spontaneous person. But it made me realize how important it
Speaker 1: is to her because she really does want to spend
Speaker 1: time together. But for her, having this advanced notice allows
Speaker 1: her to prepare her mind, allows her to prepare her
Speaker 1: time accordingly, so she can make sure that she's present
Speaker 1: and there for us in the moments that we're going
Speaker 1: to be spending together. And so it was something that
Speaker 1: she has very clearly told us that I need notice
Speaker 1: advance to notice whenever we're meeting, and we've had to
Speaker 1: really respect that and appreciate that, even if it's not
Speaker 1: something that I do normally for myself, because I care
Speaker 1: about her and because she has actually had the ability
Speaker 1: to set that boundary and tell us, I really respect that,
Speaker 1: and I really have to respect it as a friend
Speaker 1: because it takes a lot to even be able to
Speaker 1: share something like that. Next up, you need to notice
Speaker 1: when it is that you actually betray yourself, Like in
Speaker 1: what moments do you end up over extending or saying
Speaker 1: yes to things? Is it when you're really exhausted, when
Speaker 1: you're agreeing to just keep the peace. Is it in
Speaker 1: a work environment, is it in your home environment? Is
Speaker 1: it in your relationship? Notice in what areas you are
Speaker 1: most likely to give in or do your people pleasing tendencies.
Speaker 1: We also have to be able to define our capacity,
Speaker 1: because boundaries aren't just about what others can't do to you.
Speaker 1: It's also about what you can realistically give. Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: not about people crossing your boundary. It's about you giving
Speaker 1: more than you can handle, or giving more than you
Speaker 1: realize you have in you to be able to.
Speaker 3: And so you need to realize what your capacity is.
Speaker 1: So I remember when I was trying to make friends
Speaker 1: in new environments. I'd keep trying to set up individual
Speaker 1: time to spend with people to try and build a relationship.
Speaker 1: And I realize that I'm actually I get quite exhausted
Speaker 1: being around people often, especially with being at events and
Speaker 1: social environments and things like that. And so I realized
Speaker 1: I have a specific capacity for the amount of social
Speaker 1: interaction I can do in groups and one to one.
Speaker 1: And so now I know I can maybe meet someone
Speaker 1: one to one maybe twice a week, but I can
Speaker 1: do a lot more social gatherings where there's more people,
Speaker 1: because it requires a lot less energy investment in that moment.
Speaker 1: And so I'm really clear and specific now about how
Speaker 1: many social gatherings I can say yes to when it's
Speaker 1: a group setting or lots of people, and how many
Speaker 1: times a week I can say yes to meeting someone
Speaker 1: one on one. It's something that I've learned over time
Speaker 1: where I don't want to be dreading going to see someone.
Speaker 1: No one's got gun to my head saying you have
Speaker 1: to go see this. So why am I ending up
Speaker 1: saying yes to things that I don't want to go to?
Speaker 1: Not fair on them because I don't come there with
Speaker 1: the right energy, and also not good for me because
Speaker 1: then I'm regretting saying yes and then feeling negative about
Speaker 1: having this interaction with that person, when in fact, if
Speaker 1: I said no, reschedule it for a time where would
Speaker 1: probably have more energy, that'd be more beneficial for both
Speaker 1: of us. And so, really figure out what your capacity
Speaker 1: is and in the areas that you tend to struggle,
Speaker 1: become really clear about what that looks like. And maybe
Speaker 1: it is even like this many times a week situation
Speaker 1: that you have to set with yourself.
Speaker 3: And that can be an energy, time or money. So
Speaker 3: how much energy, time, money, or emotional space do I
Speaker 3: actually have right now? And what does that mean?
Speaker 1: Okay, if my friend has an issue going on right
Speaker 1: now in her life and she needs to call me
Speaker 1: every single day, do I have the energy to handle
Speaker 1: that right now?
Speaker 3: Do I have the time? This person wants to borrow
Speaker 3: money off me? Do I have the money to give?
Speaker 1: Or am I really going to be overextending myself where
Speaker 1: I then aren't able to support my own self. And
Speaker 1: your capacity will shift with seasons of life, and so
Speaker 1: your boundaries will too, and so you can continuously check
Speaker 1: in with yourself because sometimes I have so much energy
Speaker 1: to give to people, I could be unlimited having people
Speaker 1: over here every single week, pouring into people, and then
Speaker 1: at times I feel really depleted where I have to
Speaker 1: become a hermit and I don't feel like being around anybody.
Speaker 1: And so you have to be very in tune with
Speaker 1: how you're feeling to really be able to allow that
Speaker 1: capacity to shift, and also to be able to know
Speaker 1: how many boundaries you need and where they should lie
Speaker 1: or sit. Our body is telling us things all the time.
Speaker 1: We just have to be able to listen your body
Speaker 1: will tell you when a boundary is being crossed, whether
Speaker 1: it's your tight chest and not in your stomach.
Speaker 3: Physically, you will feel it.
Speaker 1: Your face goes red, you feel drained and energy after
Speaker 1: an interaction. Learn to treat those sensations in your physical
Speaker 1: body as information and not just dismiss them as a discomfort.
Speaker 3: You know what.
Speaker 1: The next one is going to feel a little bit harsh,
Speaker 1: But it's something I really had to drill into myself
Speaker 1: because I think a big part of people pleasing you
Speaker 1: also end up having a little bit of a victim mindset.
Speaker 1: So you have to change and shift your mindset. You
Speaker 1: have to stop telling yourself that you do so much
Speaker 1: for people and that people owe you. Most of us
Speaker 1: walk around with this invisible contract in our heads. If
Speaker 1: I do this for you, you'll do this for me.
Speaker 1: If I show up, you'll appreciate me. If I sacrifice,
Speaker 1: you'll love me back. Everyone has their own little contracts
Speaker 1: or agreements that you create in your mind to help
Speaker 1: you feel good about yourself.
Speaker 3: It's a really natural tendency for me.
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, if I insert myself into your life
Speaker 1: and I help resolve all your problems, then you can't
Speaker 1: get rid of me. There forever, you're gonna have to
Speaker 1: rely on me. You're gonna have to depend on me,
Speaker 1: and then I become something that can't be removed from
Speaker 1: your life.
Speaker 3: I have a habit of doing that.
Speaker 1: Whether it's with my family, whether it's with friends, I
Speaker 1: end up trying to insert myself to try and be
Speaker 1: a fixer and solve their problems, and my mind if
Speaker 1: someone's telling me their problems becomes a fixer mentality more
Speaker 1: than it is I'm here to listen.
Speaker 3: I'm like, no, I'm going to help resolve this right now.
Speaker 1: But I had to detach from thinking what does this
Speaker 1: person owe me in return?
Speaker 3: You're not giving to receive. That's not how giving works.
Speaker 1: You have to be willing to give to your capacity
Speaker 1: that you can without the expectation of them giving you
Speaker 1: the same back or anything back.
Speaker 3: To be honest, that is.
Speaker 1: The biggest lesson in disappointment is reducing your expectations to
Speaker 1: very little or none. And if you are doing something
Speaker 1: for someone, do not do it with something in mind
Speaker 1: that you want in return, because then you're really not
Speaker 1: giving with the right intention. And so it's not always
Speaker 1: the other people that are in the wrong it's not
Speaker 1: always the other people, because sometimes we put ourselves into
Speaker 1: that situation. It's not always the other person that is
Speaker 1: in the wrong. It's what we are choosing to do
Speaker 1: for those people, even if we believe they don't deserve it,
Speaker 1: and then we end up focusing on their lack rather
Speaker 1: than the fact that we over gave and expected way
Speaker 1: too much in return. So when you drop this belief
Speaker 1: that people owe you, you actually can stop giving from
Speaker 1: a place of transaction and start giving from a place
Speaker 1: of choice and love. You stop saying yes because you're
Speaker 1: secretly hoping for approval. And that's the thing sometimes usually
Speaker 1: as people please, is you're not giving to receive the
Speaker 1: same back. You're giving to receive what you want back.
Speaker 1: You're giving to receive approval, stability, confidence that this person
Speaker 1: isn't going to leave. And so when you don't receive that,
Speaker 1: you keep pouring in, pouring in, pouring in, waiting to
Speaker 1: receive that unsaid thing that they don't even know that's
Speaker 1: why you're doing it. And so sometimes communication is so
Speaker 1: necessary in friendships and relationships because you could be pouring
Speaker 1: into this person they're thinking, Oh, that's just their love language.
Speaker 1: They love giving in this way. They love planning things,
Speaker 1: they love helping me. But really what you're not, what
Speaker 1: they're failing to understand because you haven't told them, is oh,
Speaker 1: I'm doing this because I need words of affirmation from you.
Speaker 1: I need to know that I'm secure in this relationship,
Speaker 1: and so I need you to show me I am.
Speaker 1: And so that communication is really necessary. Otherwise you're doing
Speaker 1: something expecting something back that they are completely unaware of.
Speaker 1: And so when you're in that moment where you're put
Speaker 1: in a situation and you are just about to do
Speaker 1: a bit of people pleasing, we.
Speaker 3: Have to learn how to pause before we respond.
Speaker 1: Generally, people pleasers are automatic yes people. You end up
Speaker 1: saying yes before you even think about what they're asking.
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, yeah, of course I'll do whatever you need.
Speaker 1: I'll be there of being there in whichever way that
Speaker 1: you need me to. So instead of a yes being
Speaker 1: a reflex or a given to you without you having
Speaker 1: even thought about what the person is asking, you need
Speaker 1: this five second rule or like a moment of thought
Speaker 1: before you end up responding. Actually makes you're far better
Speaker 1: communicator too, but it also stops you from saying yes
Speaker 1: to something that you're then gonna have to cancel later, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, I used to do a lot. I
Speaker 1: would say yes, yes, yes, There's so many things, and
Speaker 1: then I'd actually end up looking really bad or not
Speaker 1: being a good friend because I know in the time
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it. But it's easier in
Speaker 1: that scenario for me to say yes, because later on,
Speaker 1: when I'm not facing them, I could say no, when
Speaker 1: actually it creates a better relationship if you just said
Speaker 1: no in the first place and so have a five
Speaker 1: second moment of thought, say hey, you know what, can
Speaker 1: I get back to you later or let me check
Speaker 1: my schedule and get back to you. Do you mind
Speaker 1: if I take like a day or so to figure
Speaker 1: out whether I have the ability to do that. There
Speaker 1: are so many sentences that you can practice before you
Speaker 1: say the word yes, and then your yes actually ends
Speaker 1: up having more meaning. It's kind of like the Boy
Speaker 1: who Cried Wolf, but in the opposite way. In the
Speaker 1: opposite way, I guess where a lot of the time,
Speaker 1: if you end up saying yes, yes, yes to things
Speaker 1: and then you don't follow through, your yes actually carries
Speaker 1: less weight, like it doesn't have as much meaning to
Speaker 1: the person because they're like, oh, she's probably going to
Speaker 1: cancel anyway, And.
Speaker 3: I used to get that a lot.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, okay, you sure you're going to come because
Speaker 1: you're probably going to cancel the day before, And so
Speaker 1: you have more weight and integrity to the meaning of
Speaker 1: your yeses and your nose, and then your communication also
Speaker 1: just gets so much better. Can I check my schedule
Speaker 1: and get back to you, great line? Do you mind
Speaker 1: if I let you know in about twenty four hours
Speaker 1: that okay, literally a few sentences that can save your
Speaker 1: sanity and also better your relationships. And look, these boundaries set.
Speaker 1: This boundary setting thing can actually be really scary because
Speaker 1: we're not used to it. And so it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be like huge boundaries. You don't suddenly have to
Speaker 1: start building walls. It can be little micro boundaries. You
Speaker 1: don't need to start with these big, dramatic nose. You
Speaker 1: can honestly practice in tiny, tiny ways. Say no to
Speaker 1: extra condiments at the cafe, say no to a project
Speaker 1: that you may not have a capacity for, and then
Speaker 1: every little no builds up this invisible muscle that helps
Speaker 1: you say no in the times that really matter.
Speaker 3: Each morning, you can.
Speaker 1: Start off journaling one boundary that you're going to practice
Speaker 1: that day and keep at the top of your mind.
Speaker 1: And so then you could test out with small nose,
Speaker 1: practicing no in lowest stake moments. So if it's declining
Speaker 1: an invitation, maybe it's by message at first. If you're
Speaker 1: not able to do it in person, maybe saying no
Speaker 1: to people in person is what you find difficult. So
Speaker 1: practicing no by message first, or try not explaining yourself
Speaker 1: when you can't make it, like saying just no is okay,
Speaker 1: or saying I can't.
Speaker 3: Do it is okay.
Speaker 1: You don't need a whole story or a whole explanation
Speaker 1: as to why it can simply be no and that's okay.
Speaker 3: It does not need the explanation.
Speaker 1: I used to do that a lot as people pleased
Speaker 1: that I would end up over explaining why I can't
Speaker 1: do something, and it's kind of like, actually, they didn't
Speaker 1: need that.
Speaker 3: They probably didn't even want that. They just want to
Speaker 3: know whether you're coming or not.
Speaker 1: But because you feel that bad and you want to
Speaker 1: make sure that they're still in your life and that
Speaker 1: they're not going to dislike you, you end up trying
Speaker 1: to give them a reason to make sure that they
Speaker 1: really understand why you are saying no. And so another
Speaker 1: big part of this is learning to tolerate discomfort. That
Speaker 1: is probably the hardest part because people pleasing is actually
Speaker 1: about avoiding this discomfort, whether it's in yourself or whether
Speaker 1: it's in the situation.
Speaker 3: But the fact is we live in a while is
Speaker 3: where people are going.
Speaker 1: To be disappointed and annoyed and even angry, and that's honestly, okay.
Speaker 1: Their reaction is not your responsibility, but you being true
Speaker 1: to yourself and true to the situation is your responsibility.
Speaker 1: That's the only part you can really control. And so
Speaker 1: true growth means you have to sit in that discomfort
Speaker 1: without rushing to fix it. And that's going to be
Speaker 1: really uncomfortable, and that's not going to feel good, and
Speaker 1: that's going to make you feel really crappy sometimes. But
Speaker 1: it's also part of the journey of just being true
Speaker 1: to yourself, because as soon as you start trying to
Speaker 1: live your life according to how other people are going
Speaker 1: to feel, you're not going to get it right.
Speaker 3: I'll tell you that.
Speaker 1: For now, you're going to think you know how to
Speaker 1: do it. You're going to think you know how to
Speaker 1: make that person happy. In that situation. But it's just
Speaker 1: an impossible feat to win, it really is. And so
Speaker 1: the only way you can be sure that you're doing
Speaker 1: the right thing is by living with integrity, and that's
Speaker 1: all you can really control. And then we have to
Speaker 1: start rewriting this story that we've created over such a
Speaker 1: long time, rewiring our mind and reframing what reality is.
Speaker 1: The old story is I need to please to be loved.
Speaker 1: The new story is I'm loved when I show up authentically,
Speaker 1: whether I do or don't, and every single time I
Speaker 1: honor myself I strengthen my relationship with myself for other people.
Speaker 1: And that's what you need to realize. I'm loved whether
Speaker 1: I do or don't. And when I show up authentically
Speaker 1: every single time that I honor myself, I strengthen my
Speaker 1: relationship with myself and with other people. Write it somewhere,
Speaker 1: I say, every single day, and start creating this new
Speaker 1: story and these new pathways in your mind that don't
Speaker 1: link the two. And then it's a practicing little script
Speaker 1: in the mirror. No thank you, that doesn't work for me. Actually,
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to check that date. Is that okay?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Not?
Speaker 3: Is that okay? Actually? It's just I'm gonna have to
Speaker 3: check on that date.
Speaker 1: So try these little things that you can say to yourself,
Speaker 1: either with friends or family that you feel comfortable with,
Speaker 1: or just to yourself, no thank you. That actually doesn't
Speaker 1: work for me. You can keep it short, keep it snappy,
Speaker 1: keep it kind, but it can still be firm. You
Speaker 1: don't need to over explain. And so those are just
Speaker 1: little tips of things that I've been really reflecting on
Speaker 1: and trying to do for myself. Of course, there are
Speaker 1: going to be certain situations that make you feel really
Speaker 1: uncomfortable and you're not going to get rid of this overnight.
Speaker 3: It's not something that just goes away.
Speaker 1: I actually think it's something I think that that lies
Speaker 1: quite deep and it's something that you kind of have
Speaker 1: to chip away at. But in little ways you can
Speaker 1: make these little changes, and the more you do it,
Speaker 1: the happy you're going to feel with yourself. Honestly, you're
Speaker 1: going to feel freer. You're going to feel like there's
Speaker 1: a less weight on your shoulder that you've put onto yourself.
Speaker 1: And I think you have to realize that any relationship
Speaker 1: that is based on what you do for that person,
Speaker 1: and if it does mean that the only time you
Speaker 1: do those things that they are in your life or
Speaker 1: love you, that is a sign that it's.
Speaker 3: Probably not the right type of relationship or friendship.
Speaker 1: And so as scary as that is, this will also
Speaker 1: open your eyes to the type of relationships that you have.
Speaker 1: And I will also say this that sometimes you create
Speaker 1: that dependency and so it doesn't mean that person is
Speaker 1: bad or that they have they're using you or trying
Speaker 1: to get something from you. It's that you've created that
Speaker 1: relationship with that person. And so just this, weat evolve
Speaker 1: and shit, relationships can change too. And you can say,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't think I want to do this
Speaker 1: for you anymore, but I still really want to be friends.
Speaker 1: And I don't think I want you to rely on
Speaker 1: me like this anymore, but I would still love to
Speaker 1: build our relationship. And so I think if people become
Speaker 1: used to you being that person in their life, it
Speaker 1: takes a little bit of retraining for them too. So
Speaker 1: here is the truth that I want you to carry
Speaker 1: away with you today. It is always better to do
Speaker 1: less with the right intention than to do more with
Speaker 1: the wrong intention.
Speaker 3: And that's why you have to keep in your mind.
Speaker 1: It is always better to do less with the right
Speaker 1: intention than to do more with the wrong intention, Because
Speaker 1: when you stop people pleasing and start honoring yourself, that
Speaker 1: is when you stop disappearing and you stop losing who
Speaker 1: you are and you get to finally start living as
Speaker 1: you and people get to appreciate the real you. Actually,
Speaker 1: I would say that me knowing myself better and me
Speaker 1: having these boundaries and knowing who I am, what I
Speaker 1: actually need from other people, what I need from myself,
Speaker 1: has definitely improved my relationships. It's definitely helped me communicate better,
Speaker 1: and it's made me like myself a lot more. And
Speaker 1: to be honest, I think most of us struggle with
Speaker 1: that the most. It's like, I want to be able
Speaker 1: to like myself and love myself on a daily basis.
Speaker 1: And the more you kind of go away with your
Speaker 1: go further away from your own needs and go further
Speaker 1: away from what your mind and body is telling you
Speaker 1: it needs, the further you feel from yourself. And how
Speaker 1: can you connect to other people if you don't feel
Speaker 1: connected to your own self, body and mind. And so
Speaker 1: I hope all of this helps you to connect back
Speaker 1: to you, but also create better relationships with people around
Speaker 1: us and let me know how it goes. That good luck.
Speaker 1: It's going to be great and it's also going to
Speaker 1: feel crappy at times. But I think if you clicked
Speaker 1: on this podcast, you're definitely well on the way to
Speaker 1: this journey of just becoming better for yourself and for
Speaker 1: other people. Thank you so much for watching, sending us
Speaker 1: so much love, and I hope you all have such
Speaker 1: a wonderful, wonderful week.