1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,080 Speaker 1: Every single yes that you give to someone else ends 2 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:04,200 Speaker 1: up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in 3 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say 4 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,320 Speaker 1: I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships 5 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end 6 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,320 Speaker 1: up falling in love with this agreeable version of you, 7 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,119 Speaker 1: not the real you. 8 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,119 Speaker 2: I'm rather d Wlukiah and on my podcast A Really 9 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:24,120 Speaker 2: Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing 10 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:28,080 Speaker 2: a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and 11 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 2: allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find 12 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,160 Speaker 2: comfort together. 13 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,519 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of 14 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. When we try and get really 15 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,319 Speaker 1: honest about health, healing and all the habits that can 16 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,839 Speaker 1: really help to change our lives. Okay, I'm going to 17 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 1: ask you something and it may feel like it's completely 18 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 1: directed towards you. 19 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 3: It's not, but it kind of is. 20 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 1: Okay, how many times have you said yes to something 21 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 1: when every single fiber of your being wants to say no? 22 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: How many times have you agreed to plans taken on 23 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,160 Speaker 1: work or apology not because you wanted to, but you 24 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: were just trying to avoid conflict, to be liked, or 25 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: to keep the peace. If that felt like it was 26 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 1: targeted towards you, it probably was because you've opened this 27 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: podcast because you are possibly a people pleaser and you're 28 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,959 Speaker 1: trying to break that habit just like I am. And 29 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,160 Speaker 1: so we're going to do it together because if your 30 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,039 Speaker 1: answer to any of either of those questions was yes, 31 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: it probably is a people pleasing issue that you've got 32 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:29,039 Speaker 1: going on. To be honest, I think I've been a 33 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 1: people pleaser since I can remember, and it's always from 34 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,440 Speaker 1: like the little things of what do you want to eat? 35 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:36,800 Speaker 3: Oh? Nothing? What do you want to eat? I know 36 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,200 Speaker 3: I want to eat pizza. Why am I not saying 37 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:39,120 Speaker 3: I want to eat pizza? 38 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: To the bigger things in life where you are suppressing 39 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 1: your once your needs in life because you have this 40 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: simple but really strong desire to be liked or loved 41 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: and you end up relating what you do for other 42 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 1: people or the words that you say to other people 43 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 1: with whether they're going to like, love you, or still 44 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,640 Speaker 1: stay in your life. I think this is definitely an 45 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,720 Speaker 1: episode that look is not going to take away your 46 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 1: people pleasing habits because it's something that's really deep rooted, 47 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 1: but I really hope that it helps you to work 48 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 1: through them, helps you to recognize where they are exhibiting themselves. 49 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 3: The most, but also helps you to realize. 50 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:24,800 Speaker 1: That love and care and being liked is not dependent 51 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,760 Speaker 1: on what you do for other people. And that's something 52 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:29,960 Speaker 1: that's a relationship and a connection that takes a long 53 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: time to take a part to separate those two. But 54 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 1: at least hopefully this becomes the start of you thinking 55 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 1: about it and working through it. Look, here's the truth. 56 00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:44,560 Speaker 1: People pleasing is not actually kindness. It is self abandonment. 57 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:48,040 Speaker 1: It is putting everyone else, everyone else's needs above your 58 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:53,040 Speaker 1: own until you're left resentful, drained, and honestly invisible. So 59 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,920 Speaker 1: today I want to break this down. Why do we 60 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,960 Speaker 1: do it, what it costs us, and most importantly, how 61 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 1: do we stop it? Because living your whole life to 62 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,400 Speaker 1: be liked is the fastest way to lose yourself. Trust me, 63 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: I've been there, I've done it. I'm currently in recovery. 64 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 1: So let's do this together. 65 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 3: Shall we. 66 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 1: And you know what, one of the biggest things I 67 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:20,000 Speaker 1: think as a former slash still people pleaser, is that 68 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 1: we end up thinking that it is kindness, that we 69 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,239 Speaker 1: are actually doing things that are nice for other people, 70 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: and of course it is. 71 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:28,600 Speaker 3: There is an element of. 72 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,919 Speaker 1: That, but a big part of it is actually fueled 73 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,520 Speaker 1: by a deeper desire to be liked, And so when 74 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: you are doing things from a different intention, it actually 75 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,960 Speaker 1: does have a different action and a different reaction, and 76 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 1: so people pleasing is actually not necessarily being kind. True 77 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: kindness is free flowing. It comes from a place of love, 78 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,200 Speaker 1: and people pleasing ends up coming actually from fear. It 79 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,480 Speaker 1: can look like saying yes when you mean no, overapologizing, 80 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: or you've done absolutely nothing wrong, taking responsibility for other 81 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,240 Speaker 1: people's moods, maybe keeping quiet so no one else disagrees 82 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,600 Speaker 1: with you. And most of us actually learn this from 83 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 1: a young age. I hear this a lot when therapists 84 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 1: are talking about people pleasing. They say, maybe it's how 85 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 1: you're raised. Maybe it's how you're praised when you were 86 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,680 Speaker 1: younger for being the easy child. You're so easy going, 87 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 1: you never cause any trouble. Or maybe you grew up 88 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,719 Speaker 1: in a house where conflict wasn't safe, so you just 89 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:23,440 Speaker 1: learned to smooth things over just to survive. I heard 90 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,320 Speaker 1: this therapist actually have a name for this, and it's 91 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,279 Speaker 1: called the faun response. You've heard a fight or flight, 92 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,360 Speaker 1: I'm sure, or even freeze, But fawn is when your 93 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 1: nervous system tries to keep you safe by pleasing others. 94 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 1: But the thing is, when you end up doing something 95 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,919 Speaker 1: for someone else and you end up resentful. Is that 96 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,320 Speaker 1: really giving? Is that really kindness? And the fact is 97 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,400 Speaker 1: every single yes that you give to someone else ends 98 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 1: up being a note to yourself. You lose trust in 99 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: yourself because your body knows you're lying when you say 100 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,640 Speaker 1: I'm fine or sure, I don't mind, and your relationships 101 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 1: become unbalanced with yourself and with other people. People end 102 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,640 Speaker 1: up falling in love with this agreeable version of you, 103 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 1: the real you, and so you're slowly chipping away at 104 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,280 Speaker 1: this relationship that you're trying to build with yourself. You 105 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 1: end up being an unsafe space for yourself. It's literally 106 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: like a partner that keeps lying to you over and 107 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,679 Speaker 1: over again. How unsafe do you feel with that person? 108 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,320 Speaker 1: How unsure do you feel with that person? And so, 109 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 1: in the same way, if you start chipping away at 110 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:22,720 Speaker 1: your own trust in yourself, you no longer feel safe 111 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: in your own body. In your own mind. And at 112 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:26,760 Speaker 1: the end of the day, even if other people don't 113 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 1: know you're lying, you definitely know you're lying. Deep down. 114 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,880 Speaker 1: Your body knows when you are not in agreement, in 115 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,039 Speaker 1: alignment with what you truly want. And so you get 116 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:38,120 Speaker 1: further and further away from yourself, and your relationships end 117 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,240 Speaker 1: up becoming unbalanced and not true in connection because you 118 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:45,159 Speaker 1: can't be true without truthfulness. And so whether it's with 119 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,480 Speaker 1: yourself or whether it's with other people, you end up 120 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,120 Speaker 1: thinking you're doing the better I totally get that. You 121 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,479 Speaker 1: end up thinking you're doing the right thing, and you're 122 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,360 Speaker 1: doing it for this other person. I'm just going to 123 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 1: be agreeable, and I'm just gonna not bring up things 124 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 1: when I feel conflict, and I'm going to over extend 125 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:06,640 Speaker 1: myself to do things for this person, whoever it is, friend, relationship, father, mother, 126 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,559 Speaker 1: whoever is in your life. But the problem is, because 127 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,920 Speaker 1: there is an untruthful aspect to it, it actually does 128 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,520 Speaker 1: not bring you closer. If anything, it will slowly build 129 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,600 Speaker 1: a rift between your relationships with yourself or with the 130 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,360 Speaker 1: other person. Because part of it is a little bit 131 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 1: of an act. Right, people end up falling in love 132 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 1: with this agreeable version of you that you've created, not 133 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: the real you, not the one, not the one who 134 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,360 Speaker 1: has opinions and ideas and disagrees with things. It's not 135 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 1: It's this version of you that you might have molded 136 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 1: yourself to become because you believe that that's going to 137 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,839 Speaker 1: keep people in your life. And you know what, This 138 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: can run so deep. It can be from this fear 139 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 1: of rejection. It can be this fear of if I 140 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,240 Speaker 1: stop people pleasing, I will be abandoned. This person's going 141 00:06:49,279 --> 00:06:51,479 Speaker 1: to leave me if I end up saying how I feel, 142 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:54,200 Speaker 1: saying what I want, being the person that I truly am. 143 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: Sometimes it can be tied to our insecurities, sometimes to 144 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,120 Speaker 1: dependent personality traits. I'm going to depend on this person 145 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: to make me feel good about myself. But either way, 146 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 1: the route is the same. If I am not useful, 147 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 1: I am not lovable, and that is the essence of 148 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,000 Speaker 1: people pleasing. If I am not useful to this person, 149 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,120 Speaker 1: I am not lovable. But I need you to understand, 150 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: and this is the truth, that that is not true 151 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:23,560 Speaker 1: at all. You have to separate the idea of being 152 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: useful and the idea of being lovable. That is just 153 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: something that you've been trained to believe or have had 154 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,680 Speaker 1: a life where that has been shown to you in 155 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: some way, But that is so far from the truth. 156 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: So if you think about the traits of a people pleaser, 157 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,880 Speaker 1: let me know if this ends up standing a little 158 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: bit familiar, always accommodating to others, rarely saying no, feeling 159 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,800 Speaker 1: valuable only when you are complying, apologizing when no apology 160 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 1: is required, taking the blame when it isn't yours, making 161 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 1: excuses for other people, feeling anxious if someone's upset with you, 162 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,280 Speaker 1: and over extending yourself, and you know how you know 163 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,080 Speaker 1: you're over sending. It's when what you did out of 164 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 1: kindness leaves you feeling resentful or angry. That is not 165 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 1: being kind and that is not you being generous. That 166 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 1: is you doing something that you actually don't want to do. 167 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: And then the resentfulness and the anger is your body 168 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: and your mind telling you that you shouldn't have done that, 169 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: actually didn't want to do that, but you forced me 170 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,960 Speaker 1: to do it, and your desire to be liked or 171 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: loved ended up trumping my desire to actually do this. 172 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,200 Speaker 1: It's a sign that you have given more than you 173 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: had to give. You've given beyond your capacity and your ability. 174 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,240 Speaker 1: So how do we break this pattern? How do we 175 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,840 Speaker 1: even begin to break this especially if it's been so 176 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,600 Speaker 1: deep rooted and lasted for so long. So the first 177 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: thing is you need to know your boundaries. It is 178 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,319 Speaker 1: so important to know your limits and to establish these 179 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,640 Speaker 1: clear boundaries and then communicate those limits. You have to 180 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 1: be really clear and specific about what they are and 181 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,560 Speaker 1: what you're willing to take on in your life. And 182 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: if it seems like someone is asking for two months, 183 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: you have to be able to let them know that 184 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:58,080 Speaker 1: it is over your limits of what you are willing 185 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,960 Speaker 1: to do, and that you won't be able to help. 186 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,679 Speaker 1: But knowing you need boundaries and actually knowing what they 187 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,480 Speaker 1: are are two different things. So to set boundaries, you 188 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,400 Speaker 1: need to know what your boundaries are, and if you've 189 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 1: not been used to setting them your whole life, you 190 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,160 Speaker 1: may not even know what they are. You may not 191 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,719 Speaker 1: even know how to start to figure out what they are. 192 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,720 Speaker 1: And so to figure this out, you're going to need 193 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,360 Speaker 1: to do a little getting to know yourself, a little 194 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,920 Speaker 1: reflection every single day. So these are some things to 195 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,080 Speaker 1: ask yourself and some things to consider. 196 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 3: Start off with your triggers. Notice when you feel resentful 197 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,560 Speaker 3: or drained, or anxious or angry after saying yes, those 198 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,679 Speaker 3: are clear signals that a boundary has been crossed. And 199 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,040 Speaker 3: so notice when that happens. 200 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,320 Speaker 1: Is it when you say yes to going out somewhere 201 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,680 Speaker 1: when you don't have the energy to Is it when 202 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: someone asks you to do something for them and you 203 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,240 Speaker 1: can't help but take full control of it? You know, 204 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,880 Speaker 1: what is it that you do for other people or 205 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: even in your life that once you do, it makes 206 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 1: you feel resentful, drained, anxious, or anger after you've said yes, 207 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:04,360 Speaker 1: sometimes even after you've completed the task. And once you 208 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: start recognizing this or becoming aware of it, it's actually 209 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,800 Speaker 1: so easy to notice. It's like as soon as a 210 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,120 Speaker 1: friend says, hey, could you pick me up from the 211 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 1: airport and you say, yeah, of course I will. After 212 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, I have to do all 213 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,319 Speaker 1: of this stuff, and now I have to go and 214 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,000 Speaker 1: pick her up from the airport and that's going to 215 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: take an hour there and an hour back. 216 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:22,319 Speaker 3: I wish I hadn't said yes. That's your sign. 217 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,319 Speaker 1: That's your sign that you actually didn't want to say yes, 218 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:28,440 Speaker 1: but you said yes because of this reason, or a 219 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,520 Speaker 1: work colleague says, hey, do you mind just working a 220 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 1: little bit extra because I need to leave a little 221 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,440 Speaker 1: bit early, and you say, yeah, of course, I will 222 00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:37,640 Speaker 1: whatever you need. And actually you had plans and you'd 223 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,240 Speaker 1: already committed to something, and you wish you hadn't said yes, 224 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 1: but you did. And so whenever you notice this negative 225 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:47,000 Speaker 1: reaction in your heart in your mind to where yes 226 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,439 Speaker 1: that you have said, that is a sign that that's 227 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 1: a trigger for you, and that's a sign that that's 228 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 1: a boundary that you need to figure out. That feeling 229 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 1: is your body's alarm system. Saying a boundary was crust. 230 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 1: Another question that you should ask yourself is when did 231 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,720 Speaker 1: I feel overextended this week? And what was the moment 232 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,480 Speaker 1: I knew I didn't want to do it? So think 233 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,920 Speaker 1: about all these times that you felt like you have 234 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,319 Speaker 1: put too much of yourself into something, But then also 235 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 1: think about when was that moment I knew it? Was 236 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 1: it actually before I even said yes, I was already 237 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,200 Speaker 1: saying no in my head, but I ignored it. Was 238 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,960 Speaker 1: it after the action was done? Was it the moment 239 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,880 Speaker 1: I said yes? Try and see where you start to 240 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:27,200 Speaker 1: recognize your body or your mind actually resisting each moment, 241 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:29,960 Speaker 1: each time that you've said yes or overextended yourself in 242 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:30,960 Speaker 1: a way that you didn't want to. 243 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,839 Speaker 3: Next up, you have to clarify what your non negotiables are. 244 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 3: Ask yourself, what do I absolutely need in my life 245 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,080 Speaker 3: in order to feel safe, respected, and well? Write all 246 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,679 Speaker 3: those things down. There might be lots on each list, 247 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,680 Speaker 3: but know what you need in your life from yourself 248 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:49,320 Speaker 3: and from others to feel safe, respected and well. For example, 249 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,640 Speaker 3: I need one hour alone every single morning, or I 250 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:54,080 Speaker 3: need advanced notice for plans, or I need to be 251 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,040 Speaker 3: spoken to respectfully. What does that mean? 252 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,839 Speaker 1: What are the non negotiable things that you don't want 253 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 1: people to be able to say to you or do 254 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 1: to you. I actually have two best friends in London 255 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:07,679 Speaker 1: who we all well. Two of us have really similar 256 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,680 Speaker 1: ways of spending time together. We're both very spontaneous. It 257 00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:13,199 Speaker 1: could be a hey, do you want to hang out 258 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,640 Speaker 1: in like an hour? And our third friend, she is 259 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 1: someone who absolutely despises spontaneous last minute get together. She 260 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 1: wants to know a month in advance, a week in advance. 261 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 1: She wants to know exactly what time we're meeting. She 262 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 1: needs advanced notice like a lot, and we really struggled 263 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,840 Speaker 1: with that at first, and then I realized I still 264 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 1: am quite bad at it because I'm just a very 265 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 1: spontaneous person. But it made me realize how important it 266 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 1: is to her because she really does want to spend 267 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,960 Speaker 1: time together. But for her, having this advanced notice allows 268 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 1: her to prepare her mind, allows her to prepare her 269 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,000 Speaker 1: time accordingly, so she can make sure that she's present 270 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,080 Speaker 1: and there for us in the moments that we're going 271 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,800 Speaker 1: to be spending together. And so it was something that 272 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 1: she has very clearly told us that I need notice 273 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,640 Speaker 1: advance to notice whenever we're meeting, and we've had to 274 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:06,200 Speaker 1: really respect that and appreciate that, even if it's not 275 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:10,080 Speaker 1: something that I do normally for myself, because I care 276 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,960 Speaker 1: about her and because she has actually had the ability 277 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: to set that boundary and tell us, I really respect that, 278 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,680 Speaker 1: and I really have to respect it as a friend 279 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: because it takes a lot to even be able to 280 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,720 Speaker 1: share something like that. Next up, you need to notice 281 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 1: when it is that you actually betray yourself, Like in 282 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: what moments do you end up over extending or saying 283 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,320 Speaker 1: yes to things? Is it when you're really exhausted, when 284 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,720 Speaker 1: you're agreeing to just keep the peace. Is it in 285 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,839 Speaker 1: a work environment, is it in your home environment? Is 286 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 1: it in your relationship? Notice in what areas you are 287 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,559 Speaker 1: most likely to give in or do your people pleasing tendencies. 288 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,199 Speaker 1: We also have to be able to define our capacity, 289 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:51,079 Speaker 1: because boundaries aren't just about what others can't do to you. 290 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,719 Speaker 1: It's also about what you can realistically give. Sometimes it's 291 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,880 Speaker 1: not about people crossing your boundary. It's about you giving 292 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,080 Speaker 1: more than you can handle, or giving more than you 293 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,680 Speaker 1: realize you have in you to be able to. 294 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,240 Speaker 3: And so you need to realize what your capacity is. 295 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 1: So I remember when I was trying to make friends 296 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,160 Speaker 1: in new environments. I'd keep trying to set up individual 297 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,640 Speaker 1: time to spend with people to try and build a relationship. 298 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,679 Speaker 1: And I realize that I'm actually I get quite exhausted 299 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,280 Speaker 1: being around people often, especially with being at events and 300 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,480 Speaker 1: social environments and things like that. And so I realized 301 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,680 Speaker 1: I have a specific capacity for the amount of social 302 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 1: interaction I can do in groups and one to one. 303 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 1: And so now I know I can maybe meet someone 304 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,160 Speaker 1: one to one maybe twice a week, but I can 305 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: do a lot more social gatherings where there's more people, 306 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,560 Speaker 1: because it requires a lot less energy investment in that moment. 307 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 1: And so I'm really clear and specific now about how 308 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,600 Speaker 1: many social gatherings I can say yes to when it's 309 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: a group setting or lots of people, and how many 310 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: times a week I can say yes to meeting someone 311 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 1: one on one. It's something that I've learned over time 312 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 1: where I don't want to be dreading going to see someone. 313 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,280 Speaker 1: No one's got gun to my head saying you have 314 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,000 Speaker 1: to go see this. So why am I ending up 315 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,880 Speaker 1: saying yes to things that I don't want to go to? 316 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 1: Not fair on them because I don't come there with 317 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,720 Speaker 1: the right energy, and also not good for me because 318 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 1: then I'm regretting saying yes and then feeling negative about 319 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,520 Speaker 1: having this interaction with that person, when in fact, if 320 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,360 Speaker 1: I said no, reschedule it for a time where would 321 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 1: probably have more energy, that'd be more beneficial for both 322 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 1: of us. And so, really figure out what your capacity 323 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 1: is and in the areas that you tend to struggle, 324 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,400 Speaker 1: become really clear about what that looks like. And maybe 325 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,680 Speaker 1: it is even like this many times a week situation 326 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: that you have to set with yourself. 327 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 3: And that can be an energy, time or money. So 328 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 3: how much energy, time, money, or emotional space do I 329 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,080 Speaker 3: actually have right now? And what does that mean? 330 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,880 Speaker 1: Okay, if my friend has an issue going on right 331 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,680 Speaker 1: now in her life and she needs to call me 332 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,080 Speaker 1: every single day, do I have the energy to handle 333 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:48,640 Speaker 1: that right now? 334 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,880 Speaker 3: Do I have the time? This person wants to borrow 335 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,440 Speaker 3: money off me? Do I have the money to give? 336 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,440 Speaker 1: Or am I really going to be overextending myself where 337 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 1: I then aren't able to support my own self. And 338 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:01,360 Speaker 1: your capacity will shift with seasons of life, and so 339 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,240 Speaker 1: your boundaries will too, and so you can continuously check 340 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 1: in with yourself because sometimes I have so much energy 341 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 1: to give to people, I could be unlimited having people 342 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,520 Speaker 1: over here every single week, pouring into people, and then 343 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,640 Speaker 1: at times I feel really depleted where I have to 344 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,920 Speaker 1: become a hermit and I don't feel like being around anybody. 345 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,680 Speaker 1: And so you have to be very in tune with 346 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: how you're feeling to really be able to allow that 347 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,080 Speaker 1: capacity to shift, and also to be able to know 348 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 1: how many boundaries you need and where they should lie 349 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 1: or sit. Our body is telling us things all the time. 350 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,160 Speaker 1: We just have to be able to listen your body 351 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: will tell you when a boundary is being crossed, whether 352 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,360 Speaker 1: it's your tight chest and not in your stomach. 353 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,480 Speaker 3: Physically, you will feel it. 354 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 1: Your face goes red, you feel drained and energy after 355 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,840 Speaker 1: an interaction. Learn to treat those sensations in your physical 356 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 1: body as information and not just dismiss them as a discomfort. 357 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 3: You know what. 358 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 1: The next one is going to feel a little bit harsh, 359 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 1: But it's something I really had to drill into myself 360 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,960 Speaker 1: because I think a big part of people pleasing you 361 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,600 Speaker 1: also end up having a little bit of a victim mindset. 362 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,679 Speaker 1: So you have to change and shift your mindset. You 363 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,920 Speaker 1: have to stop telling yourself that you do so much 364 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 1: for people and that people owe you. Most of us 365 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: walk around with this invisible contract in our heads. If 366 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: I do this for you, you'll do this for me. 367 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:20,359 Speaker 1: If I show up, you'll appreciate me. If I sacrifice, 368 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 1: you'll love me back. Everyone has their own little contracts 369 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,560 Speaker 1: or agreements that you create in your mind to help 370 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:26,679 Speaker 1: you feel good about yourself. 371 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 3: It's a really natural tendency for me. 372 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,640 Speaker 1: It's like, oh, if I insert myself into your life 373 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,680 Speaker 1: and I help resolve all your problems, then you can't 374 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:38,240 Speaker 1: get rid of me. There forever, you're gonna have to 375 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,359 Speaker 1: rely on me. You're gonna have to depend on me, 376 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,920 Speaker 1: and then I become something that can't be removed from 377 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:44,359 Speaker 1: your life. 378 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 3: I have a habit of doing that. 379 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,960 Speaker 1: Whether it's with my family, whether it's with friends, I 380 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: end up trying to insert myself to try and be 381 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,000 Speaker 1: a fixer and solve their problems, and my mind if 382 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 1: someone's telling me their problems becomes a fixer mentality more 383 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:58,040 Speaker 1: than it is I'm here to listen. 384 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,440 Speaker 3: I'm like, no, I'm going to help resolve this right now. 385 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,840 Speaker 1: But I had to detach from thinking what does this 386 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 1: person owe me in return? 387 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 3: You're not giving to receive. That's not how giving works. 388 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,000 Speaker 1: You have to be willing to give to your capacity 389 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,119 Speaker 1: that you can without the expectation of them giving you 390 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,600 Speaker 1: the same back or anything back. 391 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:17,560 Speaker 3: To be honest, that is. 392 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:23,560 Speaker 1: The biggest lesson in disappointment is reducing your expectations to 393 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,440 Speaker 1: very little or none. And if you are doing something 394 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,400 Speaker 1: for someone, do not do it with something in mind 395 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,040 Speaker 1: that you want in return, because then you're really not 396 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,480 Speaker 1: giving with the right intention. And so it's not always 397 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 1: the other people that are in the wrong it's not 398 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,600 Speaker 1: always the other people, because sometimes we put ourselves into 399 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,399 Speaker 1: that situation. It's not always the other person that is 400 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,320 Speaker 1: in the wrong. It's what we are choosing to do 401 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,160 Speaker 1: for those people, even if we believe they don't deserve it, 402 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 1: and then we end up focusing on their lack rather 403 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,400 Speaker 1: than the fact that we over gave and expected way 404 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 1: too much in return. So when you drop this belief 405 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,160 Speaker 1: that people owe you, you actually can stop giving from 406 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,480 Speaker 1: a place of transaction and start giving from a place 407 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,720 Speaker 1: of choice and love. You stop saying yes because you're 408 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:06,720 Speaker 1: secretly hoping for approval. And that's the thing sometimes usually 409 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 1: as people please, is you're not giving to receive the 410 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,440 Speaker 1: same back. You're giving to receive what you want back. 411 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:18,119 Speaker 1: You're giving to receive approval, stability, confidence that this person 412 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,680 Speaker 1: isn't going to leave. And so when you don't receive that, 413 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,439 Speaker 1: you keep pouring in, pouring in, pouring in, waiting to 414 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 1: receive that unsaid thing that they don't even know that's 415 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:29,320 Speaker 1: why you're doing it. And so sometimes communication is so 416 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: necessary in friendships and relationships because you could be pouring 417 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,080 Speaker 1: into this person they're thinking, Oh, that's just their love language. 418 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,639 Speaker 1: They love giving in this way. They love planning things, 419 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,119 Speaker 1: they love helping me. But really what you're not, what 420 00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:45,959 Speaker 1: they're failing to understand because you haven't told them, is oh, 421 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 1: I'm doing this because I need words of affirmation from you. 422 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,840 Speaker 1: I need to know that I'm secure in this relationship, 423 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 1: and so I need you to show me I am. 424 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,160 Speaker 1: And so that communication is really necessary. Otherwise you're doing 425 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 1: something expecting something back that they are completely unaware of. 426 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,800 Speaker 1: And so when you're in that moment where you're put 427 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: in a situation and you are just about to do 428 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: a bit of people pleasing, we. 429 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,160 Speaker 3: Have to learn how to pause before we respond. 430 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,399 Speaker 1: Generally, people pleasers are automatic yes people. You end up 431 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,639 Speaker 1: saying yes before you even think about what they're asking. 432 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,280 Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, yeah, of course I'll do whatever you need. 433 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,520 Speaker 1: I'll be there of being there in whichever way that 434 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,120 Speaker 1: you need me to. So instead of a yes being 435 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:27,600 Speaker 1: a reflex or a given to you without you having 436 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,560 Speaker 1: even thought about what the person is asking, you need 437 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:34,240 Speaker 1: this five second rule or like a moment of thought 438 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,640 Speaker 1: before you end up responding. Actually makes you're far better 439 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,680 Speaker 1: communicator too, but it also stops you from saying yes 440 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: to something that you're then gonna have to cancel later, which, 441 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,200 Speaker 1: by the way, I used to do a lot. I 442 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,640 Speaker 1: would say yes, yes, yes, There's so many things, and 443 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,520 Speaker 1: then I'd actually end up looking really bad or not 444 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,640 Speaker 1: being a good friend because I know in the time 445 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it. But it's easier in 446 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,480 Speaker 1: that scenario for me to say yes, because later on, 447 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,520 Speaker 1: when I'm not facing them, I could say no, when 448 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,920 Speaker 1: actually it creates a better relationship if you just said 449 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: no in the first place and so have a five 450 00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: second moment of thought, say hey, you know what, can 451 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 1: I get back to you later or let me check 452 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,160 Speaker 1: my schedule and get back to you. Do you mind 453 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,080 Speaker 1: if I take like a day or so to figure 454 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,840 Speaker 1: out whether I have the ability to do that. There 455 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,639 Speaker 1: are so many sentences that you can practice before you 456 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,080 Speaker 1: say the word yes, and then your yes actually ends 457 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,160 Speaker 1: up having more meaning. It's kind of like the Boy 458 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 1: who Cried Wolf, but in the opposite way. In the 459 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,880 Speaker 1: opposite way, I guess where a lot of the time, 460 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: if you end up saying yes, yes, yes to things 461 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 1: and then you don't follow through, your yes actually carries 462 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,280 Speaker 1: less weight, like it doesn't have as much meaning to 463 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,960 Speaker 1: the person because they're like, oh, she's probably going to 464 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:40,880 Speaker 1: cancel anyway, And. 465 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 3: I used to get that a lot. 466 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,400 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, okay, you sure you're going to come because 467 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,760 Speaker 1: you're probably going to cancel the day before, And so 468 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,880 Speaker 1: you have more weight and integrity to the meaning of 469 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:53,399 Speaker 1: your yeses and your nose, and then your communication also 470 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 1: just gets so much better. Can I check my schedule 471 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,200 Speaker 1: and get back to you, great line? Do you mind 472 00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 1: if I let you know in about twenty four hours 473 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: that okay, literally a few sentences that can save your 474 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:07,120 Speaker 1: sanity and also better your relationships. And look, these boundaries set. 475 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,640 Speaker 1: This boundary setting thing can actually be really scary because 476 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,439 Speaker 1: we're not used to it. And so it doesn't have 477 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,920 Speaker 1: to be like huge boundaries. You don't suddenly have to 478 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 1: start building walls. It can be little micro boundaries. You 479 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:21,239 Speaker 1: don't need to start with these big, dramatic nose. You 480 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,520 Speaker 1: can honestly practice in tiny, tiny ways. Say no to 481 00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:28,320 Speaker 1: extra condiments at the cafe, say no to a project 482 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:30,960 Speaker 1: that you may not have a capacity for, and then 483 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 1: every little no builds up this invisible muscle that helps 484 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,879 Speaker 1: you say no in the times that really matter. 485 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 3: Each morning, you can. 486 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:40,720 Speaker 1: Start off journaling one boundary that you're going to practice 487 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,680 Speaker 1: that day and keep at the top of your mind. 488 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: And so then you could test out with small nose, 489 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,600 Speaker 1: practicing no in lowest stake moments. So if it's declining 490 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,040 Speaker 1: an invitation, maybe it's by message at first. If you're 491 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,960 Speaker 1: not able to do it in person, maybe saying no 492 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,040 Speaker 1: to people in person is what you find difficult. So 493 00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:59,880 Speaker 1: practicing no by message first, or try not explaining yourself 494 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,800 Speaker 1: when you can't make it, like saying just no is okay, 495 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:03,880 Speaker 1: or saying I can't. 496 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:04,320 Speaker 3: Do it is okay. 497 00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:06,440 Speaker 1: You don't need a whole story or a whole explanation 498 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:10,080 Speaker 1: as to why it can simply be no and that's okay. 499 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:11,840 Speaker 3: It does not need the explanation. 500 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,440 Speaker 1: I used to do that a lot as people pleased 501 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,000 Speaker 1: that I would end up over explaining why I can't 502 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,080 Speaker 1: do something, and it's kind of like, actually, they didn't 503 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:20,320 Speaker 1: need that. 504 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:21,760 Speaker 3: They probably didn't even want that. They just want to 505 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 3: know whether you're coming or not. 506 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,879 Speaker 1: But because you feel that bad and you want to 507 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,960 Speaker 1: make sure that they're still in your life and that 508 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,880 Speaker 1: they're not going to dislike you, you end up trying 509 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: to give them a reason to make sure that they 510 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:36,480 Speaker 1: really understand why you are saying no. And so another 511 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,560 Speaker 1: big part of this is learning to tolerate discomfort. That 512 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 1: is probably the hardest part because people pleasing is actually 513 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,520 Speaker 1: about avoiding this discomfort, whether it's in yourself or whether 514 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:46,440 Speaker 1: it's in the situation. 515 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,320 Speaker 3: But the fact is we live in a while is 516 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 3: where people are going. 517 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,879 Speaker 1: To be disappointed and annoyed and even angry, and that's honestly, okay. 518 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,800 Speaker 1: Their reaction is not your responsibility, but you being true 519 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,360 Speaker 1: to yourself and true to the situation is your responsibility. 520 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 1: That's the only part you can really control. And so 521 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,639 Speaker 1: true growth means you have to sit in that discomfort 522 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,960 Speaker 1: without rushing to fix it. And that's going to be 523 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,080 Speaker 1: really uncomfortable, and that's not going to feel good, and 524 00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:11,879 Speaker 1: that's going to make you feel really crappy sometimes. But 525 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,200 Speaker 1: it's also part of the journey of just being true 526 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,480 Speaker 1: to yourself, because as soon as you start trying to 527 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,280 Speaker 1: live your life according to how other people are going 528 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 1: to feel, you're not going to get it right. 529 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:21,520 Speaker 3: I'll tell you that. 530 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,199 Speaker 1: For now, you're going to think you know how to 531 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,520 Speaker 1: do it. You're going to think you know how to 532 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 1: make that person happy. In that situation. But it's just 533 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,879 Speaker 1: an impossible feat to win, it really is. And so 534 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,000 Speaker 1: the only way you can be sure that you're doing 535 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 1: the right thing is by living with integrity, and that's 536 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,480 Speaker 1: all you can really control. And then we have to 537 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:44,040 Speaker 1: start rewriting this story that we've created over such a 538 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 1: long time, rewiring our mind and reframing what reality is. 539 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,639 Speaker 1: The old story is I need to please to be loved. 540 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,920 Speaker 1: The new story is I'm loved when I show up authentically, 541 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:57,240 Speaker 1: whether I do or don't, and every single time I 542 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,720 Speaker 1: honor myself I strengthen my relationship with myself for other people. 543 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:04,200 Speaker 1: And that's what you need to realize. I'm loved whether 544 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 1: I do or don't. And when I show up authentically 545 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,239 Speaker 1: every single time that I honor myself, I strengthen my 546 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 1: relationship with myself and with other people. Write it somewhere, 547 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:16,520 Speaker 1: I say, every single day, and start creating this new 548 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,760 Speaker 1: story and these new pathways in your mind that don't 549 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,320 Speaker 1: link the two. And then it's a practicing little script 550 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,320 Speaker 1: in the mirror. No thank you, that doesn't work for me. Actually, 551 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,480 Speaker 1: I'm going to have to check that date. Is that okay? 552 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:30,359 Speaker 3: No? 553 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:30,439 Speaker 1: Not? 554 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,720 Speaker 3: Is that okay? Actually? It's just I'm gonna have to 555 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 3: check on that date. 556 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,440 Speaker 1: So try these little things that you can say to yourself, 557 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,880 Speaker 1: either with friends or family that you feel comfortable with, 558 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 1: or just to yourself, no thank you. That actually doesn't 559 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,920 Speaker 1: work for me. You can keep it short, keep it snappy, 560 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,679 Speaker 1: keep it kind, but it can still be firm. You 561 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,560 Speaker 1: don't need to over explain. And so those are just 562 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,600 Speaker 1: little tips of things that I've been really reflecting on 563 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,800 Speaker 1: and trying to do for myself. Of course, there are 564 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,520 Speaker 1: going to be certain situations that make you feel really 565 00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:01,240 Speaker 1: uncomfortable and you're not going to get rid of this overnight. 566 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 3: It's not something that just goes away. 567 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,960 Speaker 1: I actually think it's something I think that that lies 568 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,600 Speaker 1: quite deep and it's something that you kind of have 569 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,360 Speaker 1: to chip away at. But in little ways you can 570 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: make these little changes, and the more you do it, 571 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 1: the happy you're going to feel with yourself. Honestly, you're 572 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,400 Speaker 1: going to feel freer. You're going to feel like there's 573 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 1: a less weight on your shoulder that you've put onto yourself. 574 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,879 Speaker 1: And I think you have to realize that any relationship 575 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: that is based on what you do for that person, 576 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:30,600 Speaker 1: and if it does mean that the only time you 577 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,679 Speaker 1: do those things that they are in your life or 578 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,720 Speaker 1: love you, that is a sign that it's. 579 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,119 Speaker 3: Probably not the right type of relationship or friendship. 580 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,760 Speaker 1: And so as scary as that is, this will also 581 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 1: open your eyes to the type of relationships that you have. 582 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:46,119 Speaker 1: And I will also say this that sometimes you create 583 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,560 Speaker 1: that dependency and so it doesn't mean that person is 584 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:53,640 Speaker 1: bad or that they have they're using you or trying 585 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,239 Speaker 1: to get something from you. It's that you've created that 586 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,600 Speaker 1: relationship with that person. And so just this, weat evolve 587 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: and shit, relationships can change too. And you can say, 588 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,000 Speaker 1: you know, I don't think I want to do this 589 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,240 Speaker 1: for you anymore, but I still really want to be friends. 590 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,320 Speaker 1: And I don't think I want you to rely on 591 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,760 Speaker 1: me like this anymore, but I would still love to 592 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,200 Speaker 1: build our relationship. And so I think if people become 593 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: used to you being that person in their life, it 594 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,480 Speaker 1: takes a little bit of retraining for them too. So 595 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,119 Speaker 1: here is the truth that I want you to carry 596 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,359 Speaker 1: away with you today. It is always better to do 597 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,919 Speaker 1: less with the right intention than to do more with 598 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:26,680 Speaker 1: the wrong intention. 599 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:28,680 Speaker 3: And that's why you have to keep in your mind. 600 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 1: It is always better to do less with the right 601 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: intention than to do more with the wrong intention, Because 602 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:36,760 Speaker 1: when you stop people pleasing and start honoring yourself, that 603 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,520 Speaker 1: is when you stop disappearing and you stop losing who 604 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,840 Speaker 1: you are and you get to finally start living as 605 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,520 Speaker 1: you and people get to appreciate the real you. Actually, 606 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,359 Speaker 1: I would say that me knowing myself better and me 607 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,439 Speaker 1: having these boundaries and knowing who I am, what I 608 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,720 Speaker 1: actually need from other people, what I need from myself, 609 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:59,679 Speaker 1: has definitely improved my relationships. It's definitely helped me communicate better, 610 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: and it's made me like myself a lot more. And 611 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,320 Speaker 1: to be honest, I think most of us struggle with 612 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,000 Speaker 1: that the most. It's like, I want to be able 613 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,400 Speaker 1: to like myself and love myself on a daily basis. 614 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:11,680 Speaker 1: And the more you kind of go away with your 615 00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:15,080 Speaker 1: go further away from your own needs and go further 616 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,119 Speaker 1: away from what your mind and body is telling you 617 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,720 Speaker 1: it needs, the further you feel from yourself. And how 618 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:23,440 Speaker 1: can you connect to other people if you don't feel 619 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,119 Speaker 1: connected to your own self, body and mind. And so 620 00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,360 Speaker 1: I hope all of this helps you to connect back 621 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,760 Speaker 1: to you, but also create better relationships with people around 622 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:38,360 Speaker 1: us and let me know how it goes. That good luck. 623 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,280 Speaker 1: It's going to be great and it's also going to 624 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,760 Speaker 1: feel crappy at times. But I think if you clicked 625 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,320 Speaker 1: on this podcast, you're definitely well on the way to 626 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:50,960 Speaker 1: this journey of just becoming better for yourself and for 627 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,800 Speaker 1: other people. Thank you so much for watching, sending us 628 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 1: so much love, and I hope you all have such 629 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:57,040 Speaker 1: a wonderful, wonderful week.