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Speaker 1: Do you think the idea that love is enough can

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Speaker 1: hold together a relationship.

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Speaker 2: Relationships actually rarely end because of lack of love. They

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Speaker 2: more commonly end because people don't feel seen, they feel misunderstood.

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Speaker 2: They go into a state of learned helplessness where they

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Speaker 2: don't see.

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Speaker 1: Your way out. Today, everyone, we have Gillian Tareki on

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Speaker 1: the podcast Gillian, you are a relationship coach, a teacher,

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Speaker 1: a podcaster, a riisa and a speaker. Why do people

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Speaker 1: accept abuse in relationships? Over and over again?

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Speaker 2: I've never known a person who has been in a

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Speaker 2: very unhealthy relationship and or an abusive relationship who also

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Speaker 2: did not struggle to accept who they are and loved

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Speaker 2: and loved themselves. Sometimes people stay in these relationships because

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Speaker 2: they don't know the way out, but most times it

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Speaker 2: means something needs to be looked at within. Why you

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Speaker 2: tolerate that?

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Speaker 1: And for a woman who wants to stop rebuilding her

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Speaker 1: relationship with herself, do you have any specific practices on

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Speaker 1: how they can start changing their perception of what they deserve?

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Speaker 2: One of the hardest questions to answer for everyone is

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Speaker 2: what do I want? What would make me feel more fulfilled?

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Speaker 2: And by doing that you start to learn how to

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Speaker 2: meet your own needs.

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Speaker 1: I'm Radi Wukia and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,

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Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space

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Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you

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Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort. Together. Today, everyone,

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Speaker 1: we have Jillian Tareki on the podcast. Gillian, you are

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Speaker 1: a relationship coach, a teacher, a podcaster, a writer, and

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Speaker 1: a speaker. And you've just told me that you're also

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Speaker 1: a yoga teacher for the past what was it twenty

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Speaker 1: five years?

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Speaker 2: Well, I've been practicing yoga for the past twenty five

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Speaker 2: years and I tard it for about eighteen years.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, incredible. And you've been helping people for over twenty

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Speaker 1: years to love themselves and others better through your experience

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Speaker 1: in research and your new book It begins with you,

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Speaker 1: The Nine Hard Truths about Love that will Change your life.

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Speaker 1: It is so beautiful and it shares such a practical

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Speaker 1: approach to achieving lasting self love and relationships. So thank

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Speaker 1: you so much for being here, and I'm so excited

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Speaker 1: to learn from you.

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Speaker 2: Oh, thank you so much for having me. I been

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Speaker 2: so looking forward to this conversation.

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Speaker 1: I know I told you this as you walked in

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Speaker 1: the door, but I need to say on camera because

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Speaker 1: when I started reading your book, I read it within

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Speaker 1: forty eight hours and I could not stop. Every single

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Speaker 1: page I was highlighting. I was turning the folding the

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Speaker 1: page over to remember to come back to it. And

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Speaker 1: you know, it honestly gave me so many moments of

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Speaker 1: reflection and things that I realized I hadn't noticed I

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Speaker 1: kept with me throughout my life, and that had impacted

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Speaker 1: so many different parts of my life without me even realizing.

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Speaker 1: So thank you for that. I really needed those moments,

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Speaker 1: and I think it's going to make me so much

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Speaker 1: better as a partner and have better relationships even outside

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Speaker 1: of even outside of my my relationship with my husband,

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Speaker 1: with other people in my life. So thank you, thank you,

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Speaker 1: thank you.

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, thank you. That's like music to my ears.

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Speaker 1: Seriously, in this book, you go through nine core truths,

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Speaker 1: and honestly, I would love to walk our way through

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Speaker 1: them because I think they are so juicy each one

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Speaker 1: and I have so many questions from them. Okay, you

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Speaker 1: wrote in the first part that fulfilling relationship grounded in

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Speaker 1: connection intimacy and trust starts from within and the truth

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Speaker 1: one is it begins with you. So I would love

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Speaker 1: to get your insight on this and just expand on

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Speaker 1: it as much as you would like to do.

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Speaker 2: When we look at all our relationships past and present,

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Speaker 2: the common denominator is me and just the common denominators you.

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Speaker 2: The common denominator is us. Not People misinterpret that or

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Speaker 2: can misinterpret that as oh, well, then I guess I'm

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Speaker 2: the problem. No, no, no, It just means you're the

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Speaker 2: common denominator. It just means that all our relationships are

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Speaker 2: a product of the choices that we make and the

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Speaker 2: choices of how we show up every day. The choices

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Speaker 2: and partner just choices, and there are choices that are

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Speaker 2: very much informed by our conditioning, beliefs and whatnot, but

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Speaker 2: they really are our choices, and that if we want

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Speaker 2: to make a change in our life, and very specifically

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Speaker 2: to this book, in our love lives, we have to

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Speaker 2: be the change that we wish to see because we

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Speaker 2: cannot change another person, and there's some circumstances that we

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Speaker 2: just cannot change, but we can change something from within.

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Speaker 2: And so I really wanted to write this and title

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Speaker 2: the book, It begins with you, because I wanted people

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Speaker 2: to feel empowered that if they wanted to make a change,

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Speaker 2: it actually is possible. It's takes some work, there is

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Speaker 2: some emotional labor involved. But life doesn't get better blaming

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Speaker 2: mom or dad or history or anything like that. And

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Speaker 2: it doesn't get better blaming ourselves. But it does get

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Speaker 2: better saying Okay, how might I be standing in the

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Speaker 2: way of what it is that I say that I

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Speaker 2: really want.

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Speaker 1: And if someone has this realization, because I think you know,

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Speaker 1: you can go through so much of your life where

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Speaker 1: you do get used to blaming other situations or other people,

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Speaker 1: and that can become a narrative and it can become

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Speaker 1: the place that we find safety, in the place that

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Speaker 1: we find comfort because if it's not me, then I

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Speaker 1: can't control it, which means I'm not in control of

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Speaker 1: the pain that I'm feeling. It's just happening to me.

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Speaker 1: But as soon as you start realizing that, oh, actually,

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Speaker 1: if it begins with me, that means I have control

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Speaker 1: of the things that pain me and the things that

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Speaker 1: hurt me and the situations I go through. So for

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Speaker 1: someone who just comes to this realization, they hear you

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Speaker 1: just saying it. What are some of the first steps

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Speaker 1: that people can do to start that process of creating

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Speaker 1: a better life for themselves.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I mean when it comes to relationships, Let's

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Speaker 2: say you're single and you're dating, you can ask yourself, Okay,

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Speaker 2: what are the type of people that I've been dating?

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Speaker 2: Is there is there a pattern? Is there a pattern

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Speaker 2: in the relationships that didn't work? Were they just randomly

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Speaker 2: just didn't work or was there a pattern? What are

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Speaker 2: my beliefs about love When I think about the world

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Speaker 2: love and relationships or marriage or partnership. What are some

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Speaker 2: of the first things that come to mind? If I

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Speaker 2: date men and I'm craving to be intimate with a

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Speaker 2: man emotionally like being a relationship with a man, is

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Speaker 2: there a part of me that also hates men? And

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Speaker 2: what is that all about? And I have to actually

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Speaker 2: investigate that. If I date women and I say I

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Speaker 2: love women, is there a part of me that doesn't

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Speaker 2: trust them? So these are the things that we need

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Speaker 2: to ask ourselves. And everyone is walking around, every single

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Speaker 2: person is walking around with some internal conflict. Yeah, and

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Speaker 2: so bringing that which is unconscious into our awareness saying okay, oh,

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Speaker 2: this is what I have a conflict about or this

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Speaker 2: is a belief that mom had that I have, or

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Speaker 2: you know, I saw my mom being treated a certain way,

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Speaker 2: and so this is what I've seen myself doing. And

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Speaker 2: just being able to do that necessary self examination.

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Speaker 1: It's almost just becoming conscious of your natural patents, because

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Speaker 1: when you've been doing something for such a long time,

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Speaker 1: that pattern can feel like normality, yes, and then suddenly

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Speaker 1: when you tune in, you're like, wait, why do I

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Speaker 1: believe in this and why do I think? Like for me,

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Speaker 1: one of the things that I noticed when I started

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Speaker 1: dating or even when I started dating Jay, was my

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Speaker 1: vision of what a man should look like in the

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Speaker 1: house was purely based on my dad. My dad does

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Speaker 1: all the handyman work, so of course a man in

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Speaker 1: the house like Jay should be able to do the hands.

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Speaker 1: He's a screwdriver, and if something breaks, he should be

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Speaker 1: able to fix it. And oh, my dad handles all

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Speaker 1: the finances at home. So that's what I would expect

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Speaker 1: Jay to do. And I realized that even though I

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Speaker 1: appreciated that in my dad, that wasn't necessarily you know,

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Speaker 1: That's all I knew of a husband was what I'd seen,

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Speaker 1: and so Jay didn't know how to use a screwdriver

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Speaker 1: when I met him, and like, he isn't the person

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Speaker 1: that like saying handyman work, but I was because I'd

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Speaker 1: learnt it from my dad. And so it's just interesting

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Speaker 1: the patterns and the things that you incubate within you

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Speaker 1: and you kind of put onto someone else before you

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Speaker 1: even meet them, Like you create this whole view of

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Speaker 1: what the person is based on your own experiences, and

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Speaker 1: then it's kind of setting them up a failure because

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Speaker 1: you're like, well, these are the boxes you have to

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Speaker 1: fit into before I even know whether you have those

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Speaker 1: skills or those abilities to do that. And I loved

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Speaker 1: what you said about how do you feel when those

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Speaker 1: when you hear those words, because I noticed I've started

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Speaker 1: noticing that in myself, Like when you said, how do

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Speaker 1: you feel when you think of the word marriage? Like

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Speaker 1: what are the initial not even just the thoughts, but

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Speaker 1: what feeling comes into your body? Do you cringe? Do

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Speaker 1: you get scared? Do you feel excited? Like seeing what

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Speaker 1: the narrative is in your mind and your reactions can

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Speaker 1: be such a great depiction of whether it's an area

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Speaker 1: you need to work on.

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Speaker 2: Yes, one hundred percent And I love what you said

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Speaker 2: about needing your future husband to kind of look, you know,

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Speaker 2: look a certain way. And this is this is this

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Speaker 2: is what we do, and this is we're skipping ahead.

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Speaker 2: But there is a chapter on LUs does not Love.

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Speaker 2: And what we tend to do is we have this ideal, right,

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Speaker 2: and we project the health the unhealthiest relationships, or the

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Speaker 2: relationships that start off really hot and heavy and then

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Speaker 2: crash and burn, like you know, three months in or

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Speaker 2: maybe six months in, people go and this is unconscious.

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Speaker 2: They project their ideal onto the other person. It's the idealization, right,

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Speaker 2: and then as soon as we start to get wind

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Speaker 2: of the fact that the person is just a person

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Speaker 2: with depth and nuance and flaws and shortcomings, that's when

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Speaker 2: we're like, oh, we're like we all our expectations are

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Speaker 2: sort of they cannot win. And then that's when we're like, oh,

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Speaker 2: this must not be love, or something must be wrong

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Speaker 2: or I'm just not into them. And so having that

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Speaker 2: awareness of just like, okay, so this is what I

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Speaker 2: was raised with, This is my projection of the ideal,

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Speaker 2: but maybe this is actually not You know, how many

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Speaker 2: people you think are missing out on a great relationship

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Speaker 2: because they have too many rules about how it's supposed

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Speaker 2: to look and feel and be versus is this is

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Speaker 2: this actually someone who's good for me?

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Speaker 1: And what have you seen offen Having spoken to so

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Speaker 1: many people and being in this world for a while,

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Speaker 1: what would you say look like the biggest hurdles that

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Speaker 1: people are having at the moment to actually getting into

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Speaker 1: healthy relationships.

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Speaker 2: Definitely their own stuff over having to overcome their own selfishness.

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Speaker 2: You know, we have to sort of quote unquote normalize.

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Speaker 2: We can all be selfish, right, especially when it comes

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Speaker 2: to love. Because the thing is, there is nothing more

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Speaker 2: than a romantic relationship that's going to trigger in us

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Speaker 2: the fear of losing love. Yeah, so we don't want that,

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Speaker 2: you know, we want to secure relationship where we don't

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Speaker 2: where you can go to sleep at night and everything.

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Speaker 2: We're not worried about the relationship ending. But uncertainty is

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Speaker 2: built into anything. We just don't know what's going to last,

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Speaker 2: what's not going to last, what's going to happen in life? Right,

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Speaker 2: So when we are triggered, and some people are so

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Speaker 2: triggerable because they haven't dealt with the things that are

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Speaker 2: triggering them, that we become when or pushed to the

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Speaker 2: edge of our insecurity. We become obsessed with what we're

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Speaker 2: not getting right, and we don't consider what we're not giving,

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Speaker 2: and then people forget.

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Speaker 1: It's unbelief.

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Speaker 2: I know, people have been together for years and in

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Speaker 2: many ways they're strangers to each other because they don't

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Speaker 2: actually know what the other person needs.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 2: And so that's really what I see most in terms

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Speaker 2: of what people kind of get wrong about love. That

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Speaker 2: love is not is something that we receive, it's also

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Speaker 2: something that we give.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's interesting because I think that that stems a

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Speaker 1: little bit from the idea of like a scarcity mindset

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Speaker 1: where you're constantly thinking about what can I get, what

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Speaker 1: can I get? What can I get? And how can

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Speaker 1: I keep this and how can I take this? And

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Speaker 1: many of us operate from a scarcety mindset. And then

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Speaker 1: that scarcety mindset isn't just in money, it's in the relationship.

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Speaker 1: So it's more how can I receive versus what am

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Speaker 1: I actually putting on the table? Like what am I

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Speaker 1: bringing to this? Yes, And that then inten turns into oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm not receiving this or I'm the one that's the

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Speaker 1: victim in this and I'm the one that's hurt in

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Speaker 1: this because it's so much easier being the victim. It

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Speaker 1: is like, it's so much easier being the victim than

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Speaker 1: it is owning up to Oh my god, I have

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Speaker 1: so much work to do, and I actually have a

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Speaker 1: role to play in the demise of this relationship or

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Speaker 1: in the issues that we're having, or.

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Speaker 2: I have a role to play in the success of

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Speaker 2: the relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, exactly. Yeah, you wrote this in the book,

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Speaker 1: and I thought it was really beautifully put. Your life

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Speaker 1: will change too when you realize that your relationship struggles

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Speaker 1: are not because they all cheat, but because you keep

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Speaker 1: ignoring red flags and choosing the cheaters. The problem isn't

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Speaker 1: all the good ones are taken, it's that you keep

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Speaker 1: choosing the unavailable ones. It's not that they didn't choose you.

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Speaker 1: It's that you haven't chosen yourself. And it's not that

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Speaker 1: they're avoidant. It's just that your anxiety may play a

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Speaker 1: role too. The story you share about yourself at the

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Speaker 1: beginning of your book is pretty heartbreaking, and I would

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Speaker 1: love you if you want to mind sharing it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, no, not at all, many years ago, I guess.

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Speaker 2: Then now we're going back by thirteen fourteen years ago,

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Speaker 2: I met the man who had become my husband. He

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Speaker 2: was in my class. I mean, what else are you

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Speaker 2: going to do? And I always say that our relationship

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Speaker 2: because we were before we got married, were together almost

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Speaker 2: two years, and I always say that our relationship pre

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Speaker 2: marriage was about ninety percent really good or great even,

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Speaker 2: and ten percent really problematic. And you might say, well, what,

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Speaker 2: that's a pretty good stat but the ten percent was

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Speaker 2: so profound, so so so so profound that when we

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Speaker 2: got married, the ten percent became the ninety percent, and

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Speaker 2: the ninety percent became the ten percent. And so what

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Speaker 2: I did is I ignored significant red flags. And I

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Speaker 2: did that because I just wanted to be married. I

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Speaker 2: loved him. The thought of losing him was too much.

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Speaker 2: I just didn't have that real sense of self. And

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Speaker 2: then when we got into the marriage, I didn't know

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Speaker 2: how to speak the truth. I didn't know how to

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Speaker 2: love at a level that I know how to love now,

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Speaker 2: and I didn't know how to stand up for myself

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Speaker 2: at a level that I do now. You know, he

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Speaker 2: we were having troubles, but then we were in a

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Speaker 2: good place and I was pregnant, but did not know

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Speaker 2: it or yeah, or it was very It was very

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Speaker 2: very early on, and my mom had been diagnosed with

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Speaker 2: lung cancer was dying. And on June second, twenty fourteen,

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Speaker 2: I woke up to what was an early miscarriage, and

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Speaker 2: he texted me later that day from work that he

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Speaker 2: wasn't coming home, that he was going to go stay

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Speaker 2: at his parents. So he literally it was like he fled.

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Speaker 2: It was like totally fleeing, the most awful thing you

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Speaker 2: can do to someone.

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Speaker 1: And so that was you've been together.

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Speaker 2: At this point we the Merit was exactly two years.

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Speaker 2: Exactly two years it was the next day was our

301
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Speaker 2: wedding anniversary. I entered a very significant dark night of

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Speaker 2: the soul because my mom was dying, my husband left,

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Speaker 2: and I had all these beliefs around, well, no one's

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Speaker 2: going to want me now I'm too old or you know,

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Speaker 2: all these things, and I'll have kids. My life didn't

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Speaker 2: match what I thought life would be. In fact, it

307
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Speaker 2: was so different, and I felt totally out of control

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Speaker 2: and I suffered immensely until I became obsessed with what

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Speaker 2: makes a relationship work.

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Speaker 1: Obsessed.

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Speaker 2: I could not believe that I was in this position.

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Speaker 2: So I took all that pain and I channeled it

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Speaker 2: into learning, and I felt a calling to teach. This

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Speaker 2: definitely not glamorous, really hard. I needed a lot of help,

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Speaker 2: but I thankfully learned how to take something really painful

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Speaker 2: and turn it into something very purposeful.

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Speaker 1: And I have of interest. And obviously you don't have

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Speaker 1: to answer this, but you know, for many people who

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Speaker 1: have been through really hurtful things with their past relationships

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Speaker 1: or something like this happening to you that feels so

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Speaker 1: traumatic and leave such an imprint in you, do you

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Speaker 1: feel like the work that you've done has enabled you

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Speaker 1: to actually feel like one you forgive the situation, and

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Speaker 1: two that you don't actually feel the pain that came from.

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Speaker 2: Great question. I don't feel the pain. So here's the

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Speaker 2: interesting thing about human beings. I could take some time

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Speaker 2: and really focus on it, and not focus on it

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Speaker 2: like this talking about I mean, like in the quietude

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Speaker 2: of my own home and lay in bed and really

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Speaker 2: focus on it, and a lot of emotions would probably

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Speaker 2: probably come up, because that's what happens when you focus

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Speaker 2: on it. One, I don't feel any compulsion to focus

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Speaker 2: on it, and two yeah, no, I was able to

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Speaker 2: write about it and I can talk about it with

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Speaker 2: no emotional charge. There's zero emotional charge. A process that

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Speaker 2: one hundred percent. But the good news is or and

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Speaker 2: the good news is when I talk about it, I

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Speaker 2: can say objectively, that was a terrible thing that happened.

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Speaker 2: He did a terrible thing, But I don't feel angry.

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Speaker 2: There's no emotion behind that. It's truly very objective.

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Speaker 1: Well, it's so nice that it's possible for people because

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Speaker 1: it is in the pain. I imagine at that time you

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Speaker 1: probably had no idea how you would have gotten through it.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I really did not know how I was going

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Speaker 2: to survive. It was a very very dark, ugly time

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Speaker 2: in my life. But yes, you just have to process it.

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Speaker 2: And part of processing it is examining the story. And

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Speaker 2: in the beginning I had to tell I told the

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Speaker 2: story of like, oh, you know, this was my story.

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Speaker 2: But then you know, you have to make things mean

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Speaker 2: something else, right, And that's part of how you get

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Speaker 2: out of a catastrophe like that.

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Speaker 1: That's a great way of putting it. You have to

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Speaker 1: find a way to make it mean something else, because

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Speaker 1: I think for many people when they're going through the

356
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Speaker 1: thick of pain, especially in a relationship. It's like it's

357
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Speaker 1: so much easier said than done. Like my heart's broken.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I am broken. A whole part of

359
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Speaker 1: me has left, And you know, it's it's so hard

360
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Speaker 1: to create meaning from something that has ripped you apart.

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Speaker 1: And so it's it's interesting when you have to make

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Speaker 1: meaning separate meaning from it, because if you don't, then

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Speaker 1: it is just the pain it is. There has to

364
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Speaker 1: be something else because otherwise there's no other explanation for it.

365
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Speaker 1: Then it is just pain that you are supposed to feel,

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Speaker 1: and it's supposed to feel horrible.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And in the beginning, when you're going through that

368
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Speaker 2: acute stage of it, the shock and all of that,

369
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Speaker 2: it is just all emotions. But as you start to

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Speaker 2: sort of like come out of that a little bit

371
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Speaker 2: able to i don't know, like live more of like

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Speaker 2: your life again, then it's time to re examine the

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Speaker 2: story and make some and make it mean something else.

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Speaker 2: That's why I feel so passionate about helping some people

375
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Speaker 2: like post divorce or post breakup, like okay, think about

376
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Speaker 2: like for a relationship. For most relationships that end, the

377
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Speaker 2: time leading up to it was really hard. It's a

378
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Speaker 2: lot of endless discussions about the relationship and anxiety, and

379
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Speaker 2: it takes up so much energetic and mental space that

380
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Speaker 2: so I try to help people. Okay, now you don't

381
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,199
Speaker 2: have to spend your energy on that. Let's see, like,

382
00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:52,560
Speaker 2: do you need to find a greater sense of self? Now,

383
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Speaker 2: let's help you find meaning and purpose in life. That

384
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Speaker 2: so it's a little bit of a rebirth for you.

385
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Speaker 1: Do you think man is people who have had a breakup.

386
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Speaker 1: Do you think there is like an equation of how

387
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Speaker 1: long you can spend wallowing when it's for you to

388
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Speaker 1: just get up and get going.

389
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Speaker 2: It's so hard to say because it's not linear. Yeah,

390
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,360
Speaker 2: certainly the first couple of months you can wallow.

391
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Speaker 1: Said, it's like half the time of you give your saying,

392
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Speaker 1: half the time of the relationship. But I'm like, what

393
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,040
Speaker 1: if you're in a relationship for twenty five years?

394
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Speaker 2: So that makes absolutely no sense. It makes absolutely no sense. Eventually,

395
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Speaker 2: you just want to get to the stage where you

396
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,320
Speaker 2: know there's there's steps to healing. Like in the beginning,

397
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,879
Speaker 2: you're just like sometimes you're devastated, right, and so you

398
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,240
Speaker 2: can't even get out of bed, and then other times

399
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Speaker 2: it's just like Okay, I can focus on work today,

400
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,920
Speaker 2: but maybe I like cry myself to sleep a little bit.

401
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,800
Speaker 2: But I was able to do stuff today. But I'll

402
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,520
Speaker 2: just never forget. As I was building this new life

403
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,720
Speaker 2: for myself, I definitely felt hurt because I was also

404
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,639
Speaker 2: mourning the loss of my mom. There was just so

405
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,560
Speaker 2: much and I'll never forget someone saying to me, you know,

406
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:58,679
Speaker 2: don't deny yourself the privilege of moving on. Those words

407
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,440
Speaker 2: really stuck with me. It's like, why would I do

408
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,760
Speaker 2: that to myself? Why would I deny myself that opportunity

409
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,080
Speaker 2: and privilege to actually move on with my life? And

410
00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:09,720
Speaker 2: so letting go is a process. I'm definitely one of

411
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,720
Speaker 2: those people where it takes a little bit longer to

412
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:15,080
Speaker 2: let go. But I don't think that's good. I mean,

413
00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:18,320
Speaker 2: I accept myself regardless, but I don't think it's great.

414
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:22,399
Speaker 2: I think that we have to really I want people

415
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:23,840
Speaker 2: to teach their children to.

416
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Speaker 1: Say next Yeah. And the longer you end up sitting

417
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Speaker 1: in it, the longer you're still in it, like you're

418
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,880
Speaker 1: reliving it over and over again. So the pain still

419
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,760
Speaker 1: feels raw because you're still living in that pain day

420
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,200
Speaker 1: in day out. But if you're not pulling yourself out

421
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,560
Speaker 1: of it. Then, of course, even a year later, it

422
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,320
Speaker 1: can still feel raw, just as the day, Yeah, because

423
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,560
Speaker 1: you're constantly replaying those feelings over and over again.

424
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Speaker 2: Yes, And I've spoken to a lot of people or

425
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,080
Speaker 2: people have written into me saying, you know, it's been

426
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,200
Speaker 2: sixty years, like a long time, and I still can't

427
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,000
Speaker 2: stop thinking about my accent every time. Really, every time

428
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,800
Speaker 2: that I've investigated this with someone, they're not mourning their

429
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,800
Speaker 2: ex anymore. They're caught in a story of I'm not

430
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,680
Speaker 2: good enough or I'm not going to meet anyone else,

431
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:10,919
Speaker 2: or they're not taking life by the reins and living

432
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,560
Speaker 2: life right, and so they think it's about them, but

433
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,680
Speaker 2: really at this point they're just a metaphor for something else. Yeah.

434
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Speaker 1: I also think sometimes it's creating this narrative so then

435
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,680
Speaker 1: you don't have to do the work, because it's kind

436
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,680
Speaker 1: of like that, you know, again going back to that

437
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,600
Speaker 1: where of course I still love my ex because putting

438
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,960
Speaker 1: into another relationship is going to be so much work

439
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:31,919
Speaker 1: and so much effort.

440
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:32,760
Speaker 2: That's a very good point.

441
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,439
Speaker 1: So sometimes the pain ends up being an easier option

442
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:36,840
Speaker 1: than the work that has to be done.

443
00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,199
Speaker 2: Yes, because in the pain. At least you're getting some

444
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,400
Speaker 2: you know, you maybe there's some excuses to not put

445
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:46,920
Speaker 2: yourself out there again, to not take risks again, to yeah,

446
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,320
Speaker 2: to wallow, and to.

447
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 1: Not forgive because they think sometimes when you let go

448
00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:54,040
Speaker 1: of the pain, you think that means that you're forgiving

449
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:57,159
Speaker 1: that person and that what they've done is okay. And

450
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,000
Speaker 1: so you're like, well, no, I have to hold onto

451
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,360
Speaker 1: this because even if I'm not telling them, somehow they

452
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,480
Speaker 1: need to know that what they did isn't right. And

453
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 1: so if I let go of the pain and I

454
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,560
Speaker 1: seem happy, they're going to think that what they did

455
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,080
Speaker 1: was absolutely okay. And so I think there's also this

456
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,280
Speaker 1: guilt that you feel for letting go of the pain

457
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:17,080
Speaker 1: because but what if that means I'm just giving in

458
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:20,119
Speaker 1: and allowing them to do what they did to me?

459
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,240
Speaker 2: Yes, totally. We could become a stubborn like.

460
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,240
Speaker 1: This, which brings us onto truth too. The mind is

461
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,080
Speaker 1: a battlefield. You said, stay in your head and your

462
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:31,600
Speaker 1: relationship is dead. That statement was like, it's like one line,

463
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 1: but I feel like it has so much meaning to it.

464
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,120
Speaker 1: And how does someone start to get out of their

465
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,520
Speaker 1: head and the stories that they end up telling themselves

466
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,720
Speaker 1: over and over again, Like how do you start shifting

467
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:42,240
Speaker 1: the narrative?

468
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, well it starts with self awareness, which is okay,

469
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,960
Speaker 2: Like some people are very good at just creating a

470
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,359
Speaker 2: negative meaning out of everything. We're storytelling machines, and so

471
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:57,080
Speaker 2: we want to become better at looking at circumstances that

472
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,239
Speaker 2: might be difficult, whatever that is, and giving it some

473
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,119
Speaker 2: sort of meaning that makes it so that life doesn't

474
00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:08,800
Speaker 2: feel so brutal, honestly or just or meaningless. So it's

475
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:12,159
Speaker 2: a practice of well, if you really love me, then this,

476
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,960
Speaker 2: or if that person you know, oh that person gave

477
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 2: me a dirty look, then blah blah blah. So just

478
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:19,919
Speaker 2: being able to say, oh my god, I'm in my

479
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 2: head right now, what is that all about? Like why?

480
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,280
Speaker 2: You know? It probably has to do with a stress

481
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 2: about something else, or you haven't moved your body in

482
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,080
Speaker 2: a long time, or you're dehydrated, or something else is

483
00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:32,639
Speaker 2: bothering you. That is true emotional intelligence. And my book

484
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 2: is just having that awareness. And so we do need

485
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:39,400
Speaker 2: daily practices of people. I mean, I actually think one

486
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:43,919
Speaker 2: of the biggest psychological and epidemics of today is anxiety

487
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:48,840
Speaker 2: and people and overthinking and it's plaguing our society and

488
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,560
Speaker 2: we need to get ahead of it by regulating our

489
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:56,280
Speaker 2: nervous system, working out, spending time with friends and nature

490
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,120
Speaker 2: and meditation I think is very important. And even if

491
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:02,240
Speaker 2: that meditation is just quiet ten minutes a day, but

492
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:06,920
Speaker 2: in a relationship, most of the time where people are

493
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,879
Speaker 2: having an argument, let's say it's more than just an argument.

494
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,840
Speaker 2: Let's say it's like a it's a pretty heated fight.

495
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,040
Speaker 2: They're not really fighting with each other. They're fighting with

496
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,600
Speaker 2: mom in that moment because that's something they did reminded

497
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 2: their unconscious of mom. Or they're fighting with you know,

498
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:29,080
Speaker 2: their ex right, So we're projecting a lot. Really, what

499
00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 2: tends to happens that people no longer fight with each other.

500
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,959
Speaker 2: They fight with the story that they have about each other. Oh,

501
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,879
Speaker 2: I knew that they did this, and we go we

502
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:42,920
Speaker 2: can really go into such a deep, deep wormhole of despair.

503
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:49,880
Speaker 2: And I think that just knowing that our minds can

504
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:55,560
Speaker 2: be incredibly unruly, they really can become a battlefield, and

505
00:24:55,560 --> 00:25:00,920
Speaker 2: that one of the principles of cultivating and maintaining stable

506
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:07,439
Speaker 2: and healthy relationships is bringing mindfulness to a relationship. And

507
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 2: part of that is mindfulness is what predicate's mindfulness is

508
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,399
Speaker 2: the understanding that the mind can be a battlefield.

509
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you know. I remember when I did

510
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,840
Speaker 1: my yoga te to training that always say when you're

511
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,560
Speaker 1: in your mind, that means you're just not present here. Yeah,

512
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,639
Speaker 1: And so actually, when you are anxious, or when you

513
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,960
Speaker 1: are in your mind constantly, there's such a lack of presence.

514
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,359
Speaker 1: So whether you're in your mind while you're arguing with

515
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,760
Speaker 1: the person, you're not even hearing what they're saying, you're

516
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,840
Speaker 1: just reacting, or whether you're in your mind instead of

517
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,040
Speaker 1: being part of a social situation, you feel like you

518
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,240
Speaker 1: come away lonely because you weren't even present, which comes

519
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,440
Speaker 1: from anxiety. And anxiety is when you are constantly there's

520
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,520
Speaker 1: repeated thoughts in your mind over and over again, and

521
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,440
Speaker 1: so you lack presence. And so I completely agree. I

522
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,720
Speaker 1: think the more present we are, the more we're noticing things,

523
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,480
Speaker 1: the more we're noticing I'm making my partner feel uncomfortable here,

524
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,280
Speaker 1: not I'm in my mind right now and I'm thinking

525
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:58,880
Speaker 1: about all the things I need or Oh, this conversation

526
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,280
Speaker 1: is actually not going in the direction that it should be.

527
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,119
Speaker 1: I need to stop defending myself and comfort the other person.

528
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,160
Speaker 1: If really reminded me of so many times where I've

529
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,439
Speaker 1: been like, what you said, you're bringing things from your

530
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,480
Speaker 1: past into the arguments that you're having in the present.

531
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:16,240
Speaker 1: I remember at the beginning, Jay's so incredible, but he

532
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,760
Speaker 1: would always try and help me with things, which is

533
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,760
Speaker 1: a very natural thing to do. But in my mind,

534
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:23,479
Speaker 1: I tell this story a lot, I would be like, no,

535
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,720
Speaker 1: I can do everything myself. Yeah, it's all myself.

536
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:27,600
Speaker 2: I don't need you.

537
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,879
Speaker 1: You don't need to help me. I can do it

538
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,760
Speaker 1: all myself. And he's like make them feel terrible. Probably

539
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:33,560
Speaker 1: He's like, I know you can, but I want to

540
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,000
Speaker 1: do it for you. So I would deprive him the

541
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,000
Speaker 1: ability to help me, which is his way of loving me. Yes,

542
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,520
Speaker 1: because I had something to prove, not to him but

543
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,120
Speaker 1: to other people that used to be in my life.

544
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:44,800
Speaker 2: Do you know how many women are doing that to

545
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 2: their male partners right now all the oak So I'm

546
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 2: not alone, Yeah, no you're not. No, it's that happens.

547
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,239
Speaker 2: That's a dynamic that happens a lot. It's because they

548
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,239
Speaker 2: don't they're not recognizing that is love. They're making it

549
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:58,560
Speaker 2: all about them and you know, oh, I can take

550
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,000
Speaker 2: care of myself and that whole story, and so we

551
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,680
Speaker 2: have to wake up to those things and be like, oh,

552
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,440
Speaker 2: this is this person trying to love.

553
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,200
Speaker 1: Me, just love me, and maybe I can receive that exactly,

554
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:11,639
Speaker 1: and not receiving it is actually cutting him off from

555
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,480
Speaker 1: you know, the cycle of love of me receiving it

556
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,880
Speaker 1: and accepting it. And it's just kind of like it's

557
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,359
Speaker 1: literally like him giving me a gift and me just

558
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:19,000
Speaker 1: throwing it away.

559
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

560
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,680
Speaker 1: The truth three. Lust is not the same as love.

561
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:28,199
Speaker 1: And this one I think so many people get confused with.

562
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,359
Speaker 1: Could you just define the difference between love and lust?

563
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:32,720
Speaker 1: And what are the signs of lust?

564
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,400
Speaker 2: Lust is that thing that we feel in the beginning

565
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:40,159
Speaker 2: when we feel an intense physical attraction to someone and

566
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:46,920
Speaker 2: we feel alive inside and we feel pretty amazing, until

567
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 2: you know, it can easily become not amazing. It can

568
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 2: easily become obsessive. We can easily then become incredibly disregulated.

569
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,720
Speaker 2: And so what kind of starts with all these sort

570
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 2: of like beautiful love hormones can actually you turn into

571
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:04,959
Speaker 2: a lot of cortisol and dysregulation and stress. So lust

572
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,240
Speaker 2: when they say that, you know, love makes us crazy.

573
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:10,439
Speaker 2: I think it's more lust that makes us crazy. So

574
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,440
Speaker 2: lust is that feeling of intense attraction, and we think

575
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:18,920
Speaker 2: that it's love because we can't stop thinking about the person.

576
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,480
Speaker 2: But really what love, love is way more than just

577
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:26,199
Speaker 2: a feeling. Love is something that we do. The perfect

578
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 2: example is the example you share it of Jay wanting

579
00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,000
Speaker 2: to do things for you because he's wanting to love,

580
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 2: and that by you sort of rejecting that because if

581
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,480
Speaker 2: your own past and story, you're sort of blocking the

582
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:42,000
Speaker 2: flow of love, right. You know, when there's lust, you

583
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,800
Speaker 2: might be like Okay, you know fine, you know whatever

584
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:47,560
Speaker 2: that is. You know, and it's not like passion and

585
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,880
Speaker 2: attraction has to go away, but certainly in a long

586
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 2: term relationship, it takes mindfulness to keep it alive. And

587
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,920
Speaker 2: in the beginning, like I said, it's just lust is

588
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 2: also when we're just projecting our ideal onto you know,

589
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,440
Speaker 2: it's like, oh, I met this amazing person, they're just perfect,

590
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:06,800
Speaker 2: Oh my god. And sometimes that happens because we meet

591
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,560
Speaker 2: someone they have like a few things on our list

592
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 2: that we want, and we go mad over them and

593
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:14,240
Speaker 2: we put them on a pedestal. We can't stop thinking

594
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:18,360
Speaker 2: about them and they're a stranger, and love is really

595
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:23,080
Speaker 2: something that happens after that settles where we want to

596
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:26,320
Speaker 2: build a life with someone, where someone's whole being and

597
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,959
Speaker 2: their needs are very important. There is important to us

598
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 2: as our own.

599
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 1: You mistake instability and the unknown with excitement, yes, and

600
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: in love it's kind of like you feel this sudden feel,

601
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:43,080
Speaker 1: you feel this underlying feeling of stability, yes, and safety yes.

602
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:47,000
Speaker 1: And I think sometimes lack of safety can feel like

603
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:50,280
Speaker 1: excitement and lack of the unknown and this like what

604
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,800
Speaker 1: if and you know, you get you get into this

605
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: well wind of the what if, and the what if

606
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:59,120
Speaker 1: feels really exhilarating and sometimes then when you're used to

607
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 1: feeling lost. So I have a friend who I talked

608
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 1: to her about this pretty much on a weekly basis.

609
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:07,760
Speaker 1: She's really wanting to find a partner, but she keeps saying,

610
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:09,959
Speaker 1: I just don't feel the way that I've felt in

611
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 1: my twenties when I meet people in my thirties, Like

612
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,920
Speaker 1: it just isn't that feeling that excitement? I don't feel

613
00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 1: that anymore. And I'm like, what you felt then, was

614
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: you becoming obsessed with people without you even know you'd

615
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,120
Speaker 1: have one conversation and you'd be obsessed. So you are

616
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:27,200
Speaker 1: looking and craving for this obsession versus this stability and

617
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:30,040
Speaker 1: this feeling of safety. And I've fund a lot of

618
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,040
Speaker 1: my friends in there. I wonder what you think about it. Where,

619
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,720
Speaker 1: especially when we were younger, we would be you'd go

620
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: on one day and you start thinking about your wedding. Yeah,

621
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 1: why do we do that? Where does that even come from?

622
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,640
Speaker 2: Because women just because a lot of women want to

623
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 2: get married and they want the love and the partnership.

624
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,000
Speaker 2: You know. One thing about I'm curious, like with you,

625
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,480
Speaker 2: since you brought your friend to this conversation. Is she

626
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 2: someone who values uncertainty at a high level.

627
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:57,360
Speaker 1: I think she's used to men who have been uncertain

628
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 1: in her life.

629
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 2: But what about outside of men, this something? Does she

630
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:04,680
Speaker 2: seek out adventure? Is she adventurous? Does she get bored easily?

631
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,600
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say she seeks out adventure. The places she's

632
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,840
Speaker 1: the most adventurous are all the men that are the

633
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 1: opposite of.

634
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,880
Speaker 2: Her, the opposite of her. Yeah, well, so she actually

635
00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:15,600
Speaker 2: has much more of a controlled life.

636
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 1: Yes, she definitely has a very regular life.

637
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 2: Yes, right, so, well, that very regular life that's filled

638
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 2: with certainty can also get quite boring. So what she's

639
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:28,720
Speaker 2: doing is that she's trying to meet her need because

640
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:30,959
Speaker 2: we all have the need for novelty and adventure and

641
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,640
Speaker 2: the unknown. So she's trying to meet her need for

642
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 2: the unknown because her life is very predictable through men

643
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:44,120
Speaker 2: and relationships, as opposed to learning how to meet that need.

644
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 2: If she actually maybe took some risks in life and

645
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:51,240
Speaker 2: maybe was a little more leaning towards uncertainty and not

646
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,240
Speaker 2: just certainty, she may not need to find that.

647
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,160
Speaker 1: Take as many risks. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some

648
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 1: of those risks have ended her up in for twenty

649
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:04,160
Speaker 1: four hours. She knows what I'm talking about. You know,

650
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:05,880
Speaker 1: when I was talking about the love in your twenties

651
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,720
Speaker 1: versus thirties, I was reading about this, and I don't

652
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,160
Speaker 1: know whether you know more about it, but it says

653
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 1: how our hormones when we were in our teenag years

654
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,200
Speaker 1: and when we're in our young years, they're completely different,

655
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 1: and because they are kind of coming into ourselves, Yeah,

656
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,479
Speaker 1: there's so much more erratic, and so that obsessiveness actually

657
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,920
Speaker 1: comes a lot easier when you are in your teenage

658
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:28,680
Speaker 1: years and when you're getting the first feelings of liking someone.

659
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 1: And so when you've been through a few relationships or

660
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 1: you felt that feeling quite a few times between your

661
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:36,160
Speaker 1: twenties and your thirties, once you get to your thirties

662
00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:41,640
Speaker 1: or your forties, actually you don't have that intense hormonal

663
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:42,880
Speaker 1: attraction anymore.

664
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, well I know people who do have that, yeah,

665
00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 2: in their thirties and forties. But yes, that does track.

666
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 2: I mean, look, it's also part of like immaturity, right,

667
00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:54,040
Speaker 2: we're at that age. And yeah, I mean that definitely

668
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:58,560
Speaker 2: makes sense. There is some biological stuff to that. I mean,

669
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:03,280
Speaker 2: the presence of means that women create more oxytocin, and

670
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:07,040
Speaker 2: so that's more of the bonding hormone. So there's yeah, yeah.

671
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 1: It makes sense. Do you believe that there is such

672
00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:11,040
Speaker 1: thing as the One?

673
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:11,960
Speaker 2: No?

674
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:13,280
Speaker 1: No, okay, Please tell me more.

675
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,200
Speaker 2: What do people think of when they think of the One?

676
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 2: They think of this person who's going to come into

677
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:24,280
Speaker 2: their life make all their problems disappear, and that they

678
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:28,360
Speaker 2: are this is unconscious. They think that this person is

679
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:32,760
Speaker 2: going to be more evolved than them and is almost

680
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 2: going to be close to almost like a parental figure

681
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 2: in that way that they're going to come and fill

682
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 2: all our voids and that when we find our soulmate,

683
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:46,200
Speaker 2: everything is fine, and that's not true. I mean, and

684
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,400
Speaker 2: there's also many the ones. There's the one that you

685
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:50,480
Speaker 2: were with when you were sixteen, there's the one that

686
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 2: some people got married to and then later divorced, and

687
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:57,000
Speaker 2: you know, it's also it says like if you're with

688
00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:01,760
Speaker 2: the one, then you are guaranteed the relationship you want,

689
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:06,480
Speaker 2: and that is not true. And that probably is like

690
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:11,640
Speaker 2: the biggest problem with that concept that eroads are understanding

691
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 2: of what love is, and so with the person who

692
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:19,399
Speaker 2: is right for you, you still have to show up,

693
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:23,400
Speaker 2: and your problems are still going to be there, and

694
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:27,200
Speaker 2: you still have to participate in there and nurture the relationship.

695
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:29,879
Speaker 2: I know. I think if we thought there's just one

696
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:34,839
Speaker 2: person for us, that's a very depressing perspective because then

697
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:40,560
Speaker 2: waiting and waiting, they or they tell themselves, the hypnotize

698
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:43,759
Speaker 2: themselves into believing that the person who they lost is

699
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,040
Speaker 2: the one and so there's no one else for them

700
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:47,480
Speaker 2: and that's tragic.

701
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,200
Speaker 1: And then trying to mimic those feelings in someone else

702
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:51,880
Speaker 1: and thinking that's what I have to feel in the

703
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 1: next relationship. Yes, I think that's something that people have

704
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,239
Speaker 1: struggled with that I've spoken to too, and I don't

705
00:34:57,239 --> 00:34:58,600
Speaker 1: feel the same as I did when I was in

706
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,759
Speaker 1: that relationship. But each person is so different so it

707
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,799
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be a replication of that. You can

708
00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 1: have a different type of relationship and it can still

709
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:07,799
Speaker 1: be considered love.

710
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:11,239
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, and ultimately we choose so the one will

711
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 2: be yeah, oh yeah.

712
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,880
Speaker 1: And how do you choose that? Like, what if someone's

713
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,280
Speaker 1: trying to attract a partner right now in their life.

714
00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:21,000
Speaker 1: You're saying you choose that? What is that process?

715
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 2: It's emotions, but it's also a process of discernment. It's

716
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,560
Speaker 2: very important to know what it is that you want

717
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:31,200
Speaker 2: in a relationship and what it is that you need. Specifically,

718
00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:34,080
Speaker 2: if you're someone who doesn't have the best track record,

719
00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:36,719
Speaker 2: or you've been single a long time and you really

720
00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 2: want to meet someone, know what you want and what

721
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,239
Speaker 2: you need, but don't have a whole list of what

722
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,520
Speaker 2: this person looks like, or you know they know how

723
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 2: to work or screwdriver or whatever it is you have

724
00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:50,680
Speaker 2: to like, we have to be very very clear about

725
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 2: what's tolerable and what's intolerable. Right and then have a

726
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:58,279
Speaker 2: lot of flexibility and open mindedness about the rest. But

727
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:01,520
Speaker 2: do get very clear about what your non negotiables are

728
00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:02,879
Speaker 2: and what your deal breakers are.

729
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,920
Speaker 1: What do you consider Do you think everyone's deal breakers

730
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,000
Speaker 1: are going to be different?

731
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:08,680
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, definitely.

732
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:12,240
Speaker 1: It's so interesting to him because I feel like there's

733
00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:14,920
Speaker 1: so many people, especially online, that are like, these should

734
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,080
Speaker 1: be the non negotiables, and you know, you have your lists,

735
00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:19,400
Speaker 1: and I think people are so swayed by other people's

736
00:36:19,400 --> 00:36:21,440
Speaker 1: opinions when actually if they think, they're like maybe I

737
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,480
Speaker 1: actually I am okay with this, and maybe this isn't how

738
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:28,000
Speaker 1: I see it. Like I know, when I started dating Jay,

739
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,600
Speaker 1: he was like, the one thing, I'm just going to

740
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,160
Speaker 1: tell you now, these are the things that I know

741
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:32,759
Speaker 1: I won't be able to do. And he told me

742
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 1: all that Who's like, I will not get in the kitchen.

743
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,360
Speaker 1: It's not because I think you should be in the kitchen,

744
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: but I really don't enjoy it, and I will wash up,

745
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:42,200
Speaker 1: but I will not cook. And I was actually so

746
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:45,880
Speaker 1: fine with it. Then some of the other women in

747
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:48,359
Speaker 1: my life were like, but what about if you want

748
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:50,560
Speaker 1: him to cook for you? Like, what about if you

749
00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:52,840
Speaker 1: but don't you think that it's unfair that he doesn't

750
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:54,239
Speaker 1: want to cook in the kitchen.

751
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:57,560
Speaker 2: And that's all their belief system and all their conditioning,

752
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:00,520
Speaker 2: and you've got to turn down the volume of that

753
00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 2: noise and just decide what's right for you.

754
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 1: So come home, and I'd be like, so, Jo, but

755
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:05,799
Speaker 1: what about if I got sick? Would you cook for me?

756
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:07,239
Speaker 1: Then he goes, no, I would get someone to cook

757
00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:08,480
Speaker 1: for you, and I'd make sure they have the best

758
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:11,160
Speaker 1: meals for you. Yes, but what if I really wanted

759
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,839
Speaker 1: you to make my suit for me? But I've just said, like,

760
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 1: that's not something I feel comfortable doing. Yeah, But and

761
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm so okay with it. But it

762
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:21,360
Speaker 1: was so interesting because I started seeing the shift of

763
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:23,920
Speaker 1: my beliefs or what I was okay with all my

764
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:27,160
Speaker 1: non negotiables because other people thought that should have been

765
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:27,920
Speaker 1: a non negotiable.

766
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.

767
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 1: So it's also ending how much that can shift based

768
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,680
Speaker 1: on how much you take in other people's values.

769
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:37,319
Speaker 2: That's a very very excellent point. I would say that

770
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 2: maybe universally, if you want, there's certain principles that are

771
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:44,080
Speaker 2: really important for long term partnership. Like I don't know,

772
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:49,280
Speaker 2: seeing values similar values kindness, you know, kindness, respect, trust,

773
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,800
Speaker 2: those things. But beyond that, it's very personal.

774
00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,479
Speaker 1: Yeah, it definitely is. I would love to switch gears

775
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:58,920
Speaker 1: to breakups. You talk about healing from past relationships. What

776
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: do you find the common mistakes people make when they're

777
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 1: trying to heal from previous relationships before they get into

778
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:05,720
Speaker 1: new ones.

779
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,440
Speaker 2: A big one is not taking the time to self

780
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:12,880
Speaker 2: reflect on what happened, understanding. You know, some people, they

781
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,360
Speaker 2: really need to understand where the other person was wrong.

782
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,400
Speaker 2: You have to also understand where maybe you've contributed to

783
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 2: the demise of the relationship. So it's really and I'm

784
00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 2: not saying you need to do this for years and

785
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 2: years and years, but you do need to take some

786
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:29,360
Speaker 2: time to just self reflect. I would say for a

787
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:33,200
Speaker 2: lot of women, a big mistake is that they grieve

788
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:37,280
Speaker 2: too long. I forgot what the stat was, but something

789
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:40,000
Speaker 2: like the average of like it takes women like after

790
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:42,959
Speaker 2: a marriage seven years or something insane to get into

791
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:47,120
Speaker 2: a new relationship. So I would really love for those

792
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:51,840
Speaker 2: women to not deny themselves that privilege of moving on

793
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:53,719
Speaker 2: and opening up their hearts again. But I would say

794
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:55,640
Speaker 2: not self reflecting is a big one.

795
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:57,239
Speaker 1: And do you work with both men and women. I

796
00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,360
Speaker 1: do have me you know, just a big difference in

797
00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:04,600
Speaker 1: the ability to move on that's different between between men

798
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:04,959
Speaker 1: and women.

799
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:09,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, men tend to move on get into relationships much quickly,

800
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:14,440
Speaker 2: much more quickly than women. Part of that is because

801
00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 2: women tend to be more comfortable with really feeling their

802
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:22,280
Speaker 2: feelings and maybe sometimes even being in their feelings too long,

803
00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:26,880
Speaker 2: whereas men typically have an easier time suppressing their feelings

804
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 2: and then they start to feel it later. Another theory

805
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:32,959
Speaker 2: that I think is really interesting that why men tend

806
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:36,520
Speaker 2: to can easily jump into a relationship after a hard

807
00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:40,680
Speaker 2: breakup is a lot of men value their freedom above

808
00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:44,120
Speaker 2: anything else, and a lot of men will value freedom

809
00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:48,400
Speaker 2: more than women value freedom, and so when a relationship ends,

810
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:52,879
Speaker 2: it's almost like even though they can be sad, and

811
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 2: of course I'm not talking about every man out there,

812
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 2: every guy out there, but they're able to really embrace

813
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:02,440
Speaker 2: their freedom more whereas women are like, I don't want it,

814
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 2: I don't want it, like I just want to be

815
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:07,040
Speaker 2: with this person, and so they feel it's almost like

816
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 2: they are there's a part of them that feels more

817
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,080
Speaker 2: comfortable with that breakup and so then they're able to

818
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:17,080
Speaker 2: get almost get over it. But of course men are

819
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,759
Speaker 2: humans too, right, We're all humans, and everybody wants closeness,

820
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,520
Speaker 2: and so they're just able to just kind of go

821
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:23,399
Speaker 2: there again, do.

822
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:26,640
Speaker 1: You think there is a specific protocol that people should

823
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:29,759
Speaker 1: do when they break up with someone, so like no contact?

824
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:32,920
Speaker 1: Do you think no contact is necessary as a clean

825
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:35,279
Speaker 1: break from the person when you break up with them?

826
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:36,800
Speaker 1: Or can people be friends with eggs?

827
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:42,520
Speaker 2: I think everything is nuanced and contextual. So you can't

828
00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:44,759
Speaker 2: go no contact if you have a family, if you

829
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:48,040
Speaker 2: have children, So there's that. What I have found is

830
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 2: that a period of no contact is very, very very helpful.

831
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:56,760
Speaker 2: But if you had a marriage and a long term relationship,

832
00:40:57,080 --> 00:41:00,160
Speaker 2: it's really hard to just switch that off. And some breakups,

833
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:04,560
Speaker 2: some breakups happen over a span of several months, but

834
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:10,400
Speaker 2: I will say it does more times than not really help.

835
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:16,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, people struggle with that. I know it can bounce back. Yeah.

836
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 1: Do you think the idea that love is enough can

837
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 1: hold together a relationship or can you love someone and

838
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:24,759
Speaker 1: realize that actually they're not the right person for you?

839
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:25,680
Speaker 1: Can both be true?

840
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:29,279
Speaker 2: Yes, both can be true. Relationships actually rarely end because

841
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:33,320
Speaker 2: of lack of love. They more commonly end because people

842
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:38,480
Speaker 2: don't feel seen, they feel misunderstood, they feel so helpless.

843
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:42,160
Speaker 2: They go into a state of learned helplessness where they

844
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:45,399
Speaker 2: don't see a way out of the pain that they're

845
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:50,240
Speaker 2: in with this other person. It's not always the falling

846
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:53,799
Speaker 2: out of love, and sometimes it's sometimes the love is

847
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:58,400
Speaker 2: so strong, but the attraction is gone, so you don't

848
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:02,520
Speaker 2: feel motivated to meet that person's needs because they don't

849
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:05,960
Speaker 2: they You just don't feel that passionate love towards them anymore.

850
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:09,759
Speaker 1: I wanted to move one to truthful. You have to

851
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:12,719
Speaker 1: love yourself. Yes, you said what you accept in a

852
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,480
Speaker 1: tract is a reflection of what you deep down believe

853
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:18,880
Speaker 1: you deserve. Why do you think people with that in mind?

854
00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:22,840
Speaker 1: Why do people accept abuse in relationships over and over again?

855
00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 1: Where does that stem from?

856
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:26,960
Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to answer that question, yes, but I

857
00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:29,360
Speaker 2: want to just add something, which is that I don't

858
00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:31,680
Speaker 2: believe that. I do say in the book that there's

859
00:42:31,719 --> 00:42:33,840
Speaker 2: two camps of thought you have to complete. One is

860
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:36,360
Speaker 2: you have to completely love yourself and feel whole in

861
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:39,600
Speaker 2: order to be in a relationship. The other one is no, no, no,

862
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:41,200
Speaker 2: you don't have to love yourself. You learn to love

863
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:44,000
Speaker 2: yourself through relationships. And I don't believe it's so binary.

864
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:45,879
Speaker 2: I believe it's somewhere in the middle. You don't have

865
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 2: to completely love everything about yourself and be totally healed

866
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,960
Speaker 2: to be in a relationship. But getting to abusive relationships,

867
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,560
Speaker 2: I've never known a person who's been in a very

868
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:59,520
Speaker 2: unhealthy relationship and or an abusive relationship who also did

869
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 2: not strug to accept who they are and love to

870
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:07,239
Speaker 2: love themselves. So why do people stay in abusive relationships?

871
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:08,439
Speaker 2: That was the question, right, Yeah.

872
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 1: I just see so many successful, ambitious women who see

873
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:15,200
Speaker 1: what they've got it all together and they end up

874
00:43:15,239 --> 00:43:19,080
Speaker 1: in severely physically or emotionally abusive relationships.

875
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:23,759
Speaker 2: Shocking, right. So it's interesting how we can have so

876
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,160
Speaker 2: much confidence in one area of our life and then

877
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:29,680
Speaker 2: another area of life we just don't. There's a few reasons.

878
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:33,000
Speaker 2: One is that's how they saw their parents do it.

879
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:38,279
Speaker 2: Another one is that they just don't see themselves as

880
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:41,319
Speaker 2: worthy in that way. They don't see themselves as deserving

881
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:46,040
Speaker 2: of love. Maybe they've never seen it. Sometimes people stay

882
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:49,480
Speaker 2: in these relationships because they don't know the way out.

883
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 2: Maybe they're afraid that there's going to be some sort

884
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:59,480
Speaker 2: of repercussion or consequence. Yeah, But most times it means

885
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:04,359
Speaker 2: something needs to be looked at within about why you

886
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 2: tolerate that. And sometimes you see there's a lot in

887
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:12,880
Speaker 2: women they just are so empathetic. And what it is

888
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,840
Speaker 2: is that So we can't just reduce it to we

889
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:17,960
Speaker 2: don't love yourself. But what we can say is there

890
00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:22,239
Speaker 2: are some people who are so adept at seeing the

891
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:29,040
Speaker 2: good in others, yes, that they are able to ignore

892
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:31,319
Speaker 2: what's really right in front of them.

893
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,440
Speaker 1: But he's got such a good heart, and I know

894
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:37,200
Speaker 1: that do better. Yeah, I know he wants to be

895
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:41,120
Speaker 1: a better person and less exactly, just constantly see that,

896
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:46,200
Speaker 1: and it's and it trumps the feeling that it's making

897
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:49,800
Speaker 1: you feel about yourself exactly. You can just lose yourself

898
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:52,640
Speaker 1: in this idea that you can. I think it goes

899
00:44:52,680 --> 00:44:55,560
Speaker 1: back to the feeling of wanting to better someone else

900
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:57,839
Speaker 1: and you thinking that you can fix that person. Yes,

901
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,600
Speaker 1: And so you think I can fix this person and

902
00:45:00,640 --> 00:45:03,440
Speaker 1: I know that they are worth fixing, yes, And so

903
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:06,399
Speaker 1: it's I know that this is just because that they're

904
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:08,600
Speaker 1: having a bad time in life right now, and you

905
00:45:08,719 --> 00:45:11,480
Speaker 1: kind of compartmentalize it too, that they're a good human

906
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:13,759
Speaker 1: and I can help them and these things are just

907
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:18,759
Speaker 1: that stemming from their deep rooted issues versus this is

908
00:45:18,760 --> 00:45:23,160
Speaker 1: actually abuse. Yes, yeah, it's have How have you seen

909
00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:25,799
Speaker 1: people come out of that? In the work that you do?

910
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:34,799
Speaker 2: It's difficult. It's helping the person recognize that that they

911
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:39,640
Speaker 2: can learn to differentiate between that you can have compassion

912
00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:42,720
Speaker 2: for this person and you can empathize with this person,

913
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:46,040
Speaker 2: and you can also do that from a distance, right,

914
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:50,160
Speaker 2: And that's sort of the recovery work and codependency and

915
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,520
Speaker 2: alcoholism and all of that is learning how to detach

916
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 2: with love and learning how to say, Okay, this is

917
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 2: not going to work, but it's It's also there's more

918
00:46:01,800 --> 00:46:05,359
Speaker 2: to it because in order to be constantly focusing on

919
00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:09,480
Speaker 2: the other, there is inherently a neglect of the self.

920
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:15,000
Speaker 2: So it's also helping the person return to their life

921
00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:18,120
Speaker 2: and theirself themselves and what they want to build in life.

922
00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:22,279
Speaker 2: And depending on the situation, it could be it can

923
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:22,920
Speaker 2: be difficult.

924
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:26,239
Speaker 1: And for a woman who wants to stop rebuilding her

925
00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:29,560
Speaker 1: relationship with herself, how do you do you have any

926
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:34,040
Speaker 1: specific practices or ways that whether it's journaling, whatever, is

927
00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:37,000
Speaker 1: any cues that you can give to someone on how

928
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:39,280
Speaker 1: they can stop changing that perception of what they deserve.

929
00:46:39,719 --> 00:46:43,279
Speaker 2: One of the hardest questions to answer for everyone is

930
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:47,520
Speaker 2: what do I want? Yeah, but you need to reflect

931
00:46:47,560 --> 00:46:51,280
Speaker 2: on that and maybe what you to make the question

932
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:56,360
Speaker 2: easier to answer is what would make me feel more fulfilled?

933
00:46:57,520 --> 00:47:00,279
Speaker 2: What would make me feel more connected? What would make

934
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 2: my life a little bit more fun? And you start

935
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:07,399
Speaker 2: to think about that, and by doing that you start

936
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 2: to learn how to meet your own needs. Right, and

937
00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:13,160
Speaker 2: then of course journaling. And for some people this is

938
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:15,279
Speaker 2: not for everyone. Some people are like, this doesn't work,

939
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:17,799
Speaker 2: and other people they say, this is amazing, looking in

940
00:47:17,840 --> 00:47:20,000
Speaker 2: the mirror and saying I love you. Some people are like,

941
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:21,239
Speaker 2: I absolutely cannot do that.

942
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is so craze.

943
00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:25,880
Speaker 2: This is so cringe, But some people really get into

944
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:30,680
Speaker 2: it and building community, building building community. I think that,

945
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:33,680
Speaker 2: you know, bringing back this concept of freedom and women

946
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:38,000
Speaker 2: who stay in abusive relationships, I think it really behooves

947
00:47:38,000 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 2: women to value freedom more than they typically do and

948
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:45,920
Speaker 2: to value purpose more than they typically do. Right, it

949
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,480
Speaker 2: kind of develops if you will, sort of like their

950
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,239
Speaker 2: healthy masculine side. I don't even know if we would

951
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:55,040
Speaker 2: call that the masculine side anymore anyway, but you know, yeah.

952
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:58,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, there's a great tip. So looking in the mirror,

953
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:02,919
Speaker 1: finding community and asking yourself questions about yourself, and yeah,

954
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 1: to know yourself.

955
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 2: And starting a new project like what a passion project

956
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:10,200
Speaker 2: or hardy anything. It's so incredibly important. And stay very

957
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 2: close to your friends.

958
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:14,600
Speaker 1: Yeah. Two five is you must speak up and tell

959
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:18,000
Speaker 1: the truth. What are some questions that if you're already

960
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:19,600
Speaker 1: in a relationship, What are some of the questions that

961
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:21,360
Speaker 1: we should be asking our partners regularly?

962
00:48:24,719 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 2: How can I be an amazing partner to you this week?

963
00:48:27,719 --> 00:48:30,760
Speaker 2: What do you need that you're not getting? There's something

964
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,000
Speaker 2: that I would really love for you to do for me.

965
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:34,200
Speaker 2: Can I tell you what that is?

966
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,239
Speaker 1: There's are great questions. Yeah, Funny Jay asks me them

967
00:48:37,280 --> 00:48:39,239
Speaker 1: like every week. I'm like, I need to do that more.

968
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:44,920
Speaker 1: I spoke to a friend recently. I have some questions

969
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:47,080
Speaker 1: that actually have come also from I put up a

970
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:49,640
Speaker 1: poll online. Ohat, I asked questions. But I spoke to

971
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:51,520
Speaker 1: your friend recently. He was saying that they've been married

972
00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:55,320
Speaker 1: for years. Both used to their usual routines with their kids,

973
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:58,040
Speaker 1: but realized that they had lost their connection. What can

974
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:00,120
Speaker 1: a couple that want to rekindle their loved.

975
00:49:00,560 --> 00:49:03,720
Speaker 2: Part of what I hear in that question is it's

976
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:08,040
Speaker 2: not just rekindling love, is rekindling passion, because when we

977
00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,279
Speaker 2: get stuck in the rut of routine, we can lose that.

978
00:49:10,719 --> 00:49:14,520
Speaker 2: They need to do something very fun together, maybe every

979
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:17,799
Speaker 2: week that has just a little twinge of danger. Now

980
00:49:17,840 --> 00:49:19,839
Speaker 2: I don't mean the kind of danger where you are

981
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:22,880
Speaker 2: literally putting yourself in danger, but just something that feels

982
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:26,120
Speaker 2: a little on the edge. Because what's that's going to

983
00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:28,400
Speaker 2: do is spike some cortisol and give you some dopamine

984
00:49:28,640 --> 00:49:30,759
Speaker 2: and then you guys are gonna be like feel very

985
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:33,759
Speaker 2: alive and you're going to be doing that together. And

986
00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:35,640
Speaker 2: that's that creates chemistry.

987
00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:37,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, I said to me and Jay always trying to

988
00:49:37,520 --> 00:49:39,560
Speaker 1: do like activities that we've never done before together.

989
00:49:39,680 --> 00:49:40,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's great.

990
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:42,719
Speaker 1: Every time we don't like, this was so fun doing

991
00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:45,960
Speaker 1: this together, and like whether it's going to a random

992
00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:48,480
Speaker 1: dance class that we never have an intention of doing

993
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:51,279
Speaker 1: that dance at any other point in life, but it's

994
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:54,319
Speaker 1: just doing that one dance. Lesson that one time, or

995
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:57,239
Speaker 1: going to a pottery class, so like doing going to

996
00:49:57,320 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 1: a secret escape room, which I'm horrible at. He's like

997
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:03,680
Speaker 1: really into And it's just so interesting because you see

998
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:05,480
Speaker 1: different aspects of each other and you get to have

999
00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:07,879
Speaker 1: a laugh together. Since we always try and get out

1000
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:10,200
Speaker 1: of our comfort zone of why we didn't want to

1001
00:50:10,200 --> 00:50:12,239
Speaker 1: sit here and just watch TV together all the time,

1002
00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:15,640
Speaker 1: or you know, getting out of your usual routine. That's

1003
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:17,600
Speaker 1: it to see each other in a different light.

1004
00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 2: Absolutely, that is the name of the game.

1005
00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:22,120
Speaker 1: You also say, when we're committed to being in a

1006
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:25,000
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, we do not play games. It's really that simple.

1007
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:30,520
Speaker 1: I feel like games are so subtle sometimes, whether it's

1008
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:32,440
Speaker 1: I'm going to play this island treatment right now so

1009
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:34,400
Speaker 1: he knows how much I'm upset with him without me

1010
00:50:34,480 --> 00:50:37,600
Speaker 1: telling him, or Okay, I'm going to leave this here

1011
00:50:37,680 --> 00:50:39,279
Speaker 1: just to annoy her because she's annoyed me. You know,

1012
00:50:39,280 --> 00:50:44,000
Speaker 1: there's so many subtle ways of playing games with each other. Manipulation, Yeah, manipulation,

1013
00:50:44,239 --> 00:50:46,520
Speaker 1: And I get I don't even know whether I have

1014
00:50:46,520 --> 00:50:48,759
Speaker 1: a question in this, but do you think that that

1015
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:51,200
Speaker 1: comes from a lack of ability to communicate with each other?

1016
00:50:51,239 --> 00:50:52,880
Speaker 1: What your needs actually are.

1017
00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:56,239
Speaker 2: Yes, And it also comes from just a habit of

1018
00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:58,000
Speaker 2: punishing your partner.

1019
00:50:58,320 --> 00:50:58,840
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1020
00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:02,480
Speaker 2: So one of the things that everyone that I always

1021
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,839
Speaker 2: encourage people to ask themselves when they're in a relationship

1022
00:51:05,920 --> 00:51:08,400
Speaker 2: or if they're reflecting on their past relationships that they're single,

1023
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 2: is so, what is your preferred method of punishment? Meaning

1024
00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:15,080
Speaker 2: how do you punish your partner? WHOA when you're upset?

1025
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:15,600
Speaker 2: What do you do?

1026
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:21,759
Speaker 1: I'm quiet? Yeah, quiet, ye, little quiet, I'm quiet. Yeah,

1027
00:51:21,800 --> 00:51:23,640
Speaker 1: And I didn't think of it as a punishment, but

1028
00:51:23,680 --> 00:51:25,160
Speaker 1: I can see to him that it feels like a

1029
00:51:25,160 --> 00:51:26,959
Speaker 1: punishment because he's such a communicator.

1030
00:51:27,239 --> 00:51:27,439
Speaker 2: Huh.

1031
00:51:27,719 --> 00:51:29,759
Speaker 1: But for me, I'm like, I'm quie. Are you okay? Yeah,

1032
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:32,520
Speaker 1: I'm fine. Are you sure though, like, no, I'm fine.

1033
00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:34,920
Speaker 2: Yes. But that keeps them clinging, And then there's a

1034
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,760
Speaker 2: part of you that like it draws him closer because

1035
00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:39,640
Speaker 2: if we're upset with someone, so a lot of times

1036
00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 2: we're upset with someone, what that triggers inside of us

1037
00:51:42,719 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 2: is fear. Fear that maybe we're not good enough, fear

1038
00:51:45,200 --> 00:51:46,680
Speaker 2: that they're going to leave us. Even if we know

1039
00:51:46,680 --> 00:51:48,160
Speaker 2: they're not going to leave us, there's some sort of

1040
00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:52,400
Speaker 2: insecurity there so we gain our power by doing that

1041
00:51:52,480 --> 00:51:55,320
Speaker 2: thing that makes them give us a lot of attention.

1042
00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess it's also just this little, this feeling

1043
00:51:58,080 --> 00:51:59,440
Speaker 1: of Okay, I really want to be loved by I

1044
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:00,279
Speaker 1: don't want to ask for it.

1045
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:01,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1046
00:52:01,239 --> 00:52:03,239
Speaker 1: It's kind of that, isn't it. It's like, Okay, I'm

1047
00:52:03,280 --> 00:52:05,759
Speaker 1: leaving you all these hints. Yes, I want to be

1048
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:07,759
Speaker 1: loved and I want you to love on me, but

1049
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:09,399
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell you I want it because

1050
00:52:09,400 --> 00:52:11,520
Speaker 1: you should just know. And that's kind of like a

1051
00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:13,719
Speaker 1: little girl syndrome where it's just such a.

1052
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:15,520
Speaker 2: Little girl syndrome because that's what girls do all the time.

1053
00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:18,359
Speaker 2: Let me test them, right, let me test them.

1054
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:20,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, that cycle needs to stop.

1055
00:52:20,800 --> 00:52:24,760
Speaker 2: Follow me? But why are you following you?

1056
00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:26,839
Speaker 1: No? I want to be left alone. Five minutes later,

1057
00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:31,919
Speaker 1: why is he not coming? Stop playing games? People, stop

1058
00:52:31,960 --> 00:52:34,919
Speaker 1: playing games. You talk about the cool girl and good

1059
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:39,120
Speaker 1: girl mentality. I absolutely love that because I think society

1060
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:42,319
Speaker 1: and the way that we are wired is to be

1061
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:45,080
Speaker 1: cool girl or good girl. Yeah, can you please explain

1062
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:45,600
Speaker 1: the two?

1063
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:48,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, so the cool girl is sort of like nothing

1064
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:52,360
Speaker 2: bothers her and she can go out with the guys

1065
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:54,359
Speaker 2: and drink a bunch of beers and be like one

1066
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:56,000
Speaker 2: of the dudes, if you know, if she dates men

1067
00:52:56,160 --> 00:52:58,480
Speaker 2: or and then but in the bedroom, she's like, you know,

1068
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:03,520
Speaker 2: like a porn star, you know, the cool girl. Nothing

1069
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:06,400
Speaker 2: bothers her. Oh, it's all cool, Like she just goes

1070
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:10,239
Speaker 2: with the flow. She doesn't wrestle any feathers. She's just

1071
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:15,520
Speaker 2: like she does not create any problems because she doesn't

1072
00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:19,120
Speaker 2: do anything because she's cool, or like yeah, like I

1073
00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:23,279
Speaker 2: don't care or yeah, you know, like it's just that

1074
00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:26,239
Speaker 2: vibeing you try to be easygoing or you just try

1075
00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:29,600
Speaker 2: to be like yeah, like I don't care. Yeah, just

1076
00:53:29,600 --> 00:53:32,799
Speaker 2: just sort of like I don't care vibe that can

1077
00:53:32,920 --> 00:53:37,319
Speaker 2: attract people, especially immature people, right, just sort of like oh,

1078
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:40,399
Speaker 2: like this is cool. She's cool, Like she doesn't tell

1079
00:53:40,400 --> 00:53:42,480
Speaker 2: me what she needs, there's no problems, I don't have

1080
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:45,919
Speaker 2: to deal with anything. Everything with her can be easy, right.

1081
00:53:46,719 --> 00:53:48,680
Speaker 1: The desire to be the girl that's so easy that

1082
00:53:48,719 --> 00:53:50,399
Speaker 1: they can just hang out with whenever they want.

1083
00:53:50,920 --> 00:53:52,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, So what happens is that when you're playing the

1084
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:56,200
Speaker 2: cool girl, you could be totally mistreated and be like no, no,

1085
00:53:56,360 --> 00:54:00,600
Speaker 2: it's cool. And that's great for someone who who loves

1086
00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:03,840
Speaker 2: to treat people poorly. And then the good girl is different.

1087
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:06,920
Speaker 2: The good girl is do everything right by the books,

1088
00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:11,480
Speaker 2: and you don't assert yourself. You're just you are agreeable.

1089
00:54:11,880 --> 00:54:15,399
Speaker 2: And the thing is agreeableness is a good trait. It's

1090
00:54:15,480 --> 00:54:17,719
Speaker 2: like there, but it's but we also have to have

1091
00:54:17,800 --> 00:54:20,640
Speaker 2: a limit because we have to bring a sense of

1092
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:23,440
Speaker 2: self to a relationship. And if we're always being the

1093
00:54:23,440 --> 00:54:27,160
Speaker 2: good girl, then again like we're not. We feel lost

1094
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:29,640
Speaker 2: inside ourselves, we feel lost inside our skin. We can

1095
00:54:29,719 --> 00:54:33,200
Speaker 2: be treated poorly, we don't get what we want. And

1096
00:54:33,239 --> 00:54:35,920
Speaker 2: so the antidote is not to become the bitch. The

1097
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:39,000
Speaker 2: antidote is not to be you know whatever. It's not

1098
00:54:39,120 --> 00:54:41,080
Speaker 2: to be anyone. It's not to try to be anyone

1099
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:43,800
Speaker 2: other than who you are. And so and that that

1100
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:48,200
Speaker 2: can be easier said than done. The common thread between

1101
00:54:48,560 --> 00:54:52,799
Speaker 2: these two archetypes is I'm not going to tell the

1102
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:56,719
Speaker 2: truth right to please you, to get you, to please you,

1103
00:54:56,880 --> 00:54:59,200
Speaker 2: to be enough, to get you wrapped around my finger,

1104
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:02,239
Speaker 2: to not leave me whatever it is. I am going

1105
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:06,040
Speaker 2: to withhold my truth and I'm not going to have needs.

1106
00:55:06,080 --> 00:55:08,480
Speaker 2: And that does not work in a relationship.

1107
00:55:08,800 --> 00:55:11,319
Speaker 1: No, because and I Almoso. Think, coming back to what

1108
00:55:11,320 --> 00:55:13,359
Speaker 1: you said, one of the other truths were of you

1109
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:15,560
Speaker 1: need to love yourself. It's like, if you're agreeable, you

1110
00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:19,320
Speaker 1: lose yourself in other people's decisions and other people's needs

1111
00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:22,239
Speaker 1: and other people's wants, so you actually lose complete sight

1112
00:55:22,280 --> 00:55:24,560
Speaker 1: of who you are. And then if you don't know

1113
00:55:24,600 --> 00:55:27,840
Speaker 1: who you are, you can't teach someone else to treat

1114
00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:29,520
Speaker 1: you how you want to be treated exactly.

1115
00:55:30,040 --> 00:55:33,160
Speaker 2: And to be clear, it's not that to be agreeable

1116
00:55:33,520 --> 00:55:37,680
Speaker 2: is bad. No, it's not being nice, not bad. It's

1117
00:55:37,760 --> 00:55:41,440
Speaker 2: really good. But it's about are you to what degree

1118
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:45,640
Speaker 2: are you so agreeable that that you become a doormat

1119
00:55:45,680 --> 00:55:46,560
Speaker 2: in life? Yeah?

1120
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:48,319
Speaker 1: I can think I can. I can relate to both

1121
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:52,040
Speaker 1: of them in different ways. So I definitely thought when

1122
00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:54,080
Speaker 1: me and Ja got married, I would be like, I

1123
00:55:54,080 --> 00:55:56,600
Speaker 1: don't really have any dreams or aspirations. I'll do whatever

1124
00:55:56,640 --> 00:55:59,239
Speaker 1: you're doing. And he had no desire for me to

1125
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:01,799
Speaker 1: be that way. In my mind, I thought that is

1126
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,960
Speaker 1: what a good wife should be like. You know, he's

1127
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:09,440
Speaker 1: got ambitions, he's got his dreams. I should the wah

1128
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:11,279
Speaker 1: right now, I don't have anything. I don't I don't

1129
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:13,480
Speaker 1: think I want to do anything, so I should just

1130
00:56:13,520 --> 00:56:16,759
Speaker 1: follow in his footsteps. And what he wants is what

1131
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:18,880
Speaker 1: I what I should do, not he's asking me to,

1132
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:21,200
Speaker 1: but what I think I should be doing. And it

1133
00:56:21,280 --> 00:56:23,480
Speaker 1: was so interesting because the more I ended up following

1134
00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:25,480
Speaker 1: in his footsteps, the more miserable I got. And he

1135
00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:27,560
Speaker 1: kept noticing. He was like, you need I want you

1136
00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:29,920
Speaker 1: to do what you love doing, like you do what

1137
00:56:29,960 --> 00:56:32,880
Speaker 1: you feel happy doing. You being happy will make me happy,

1138
00:56:32,960 --> 00:56:35,680
Speaker 1: not you doing what I do that doesn't make me happy.

1139
00:56:36,200 --> 00:56:38,759
Speaker 1: And then I noticed that in little ways, like when

1140
00:56:38,880 --> 00:56:40,360
Speaker 1: we were trying to figure out what to eat, I

1141
00:56:40,400 --> 00:56:42,520
Speaker 1: would be like, no, you decide, not because I knew

1142
00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:45,160
Speaker 1: I wanted, but in my mind I would think, oh

1143
00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:47,720
Speaker 1: if I if I don't say, if I say something

1144
00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:51,720
Speaker 1: that he doesn't want, then he'll end up just choosing

1145
00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:53,240
Speaker 1: it because of me, and then he won't be happy

1146
00:56:53,239 --> 00:56:53,920
Speaker 1: and what he wants.

1147
00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:55,600
Speaker 2: So the two of it. But it's cute that two

1148
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:57,440
Speaker 2: of you are just trying to make each other happy.

1149
00:56:57,640 --> 00:56:59,480
Speaker 1: And I think it's that, but I think it's also

1150
00:56:59,760 --> 00:57:02,839
Speaker 1: it's also this lack of wanting to assert what you want,

1151
00:57:02,840 --> 00:57:04,920
Speaker 1: and sometimes it can come out in the smallest ways.

1152
00:57:04,960 --> 00:57:07,319
Speaker 1: And sometimes in the bigger ways where and the other

1153
00:57:07,360 --> 00:57:08,840
Speaker 1: person is that what do you want? Like I always

1154
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:11,399
Speaker 1: think of that notebook thing, is like what do you want?

1155
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:14,200
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, what do you you? Even if you

1156
00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:17,320
Speaker 1: decide to compromise because of love, there's a difference between

1157
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:20,640
Speaker 1: doing the compromising because of love and doing it because

1158
00:57:20,640 --> 00:57:23,200
Speaker 1: you're choosing to like oh if I say this, and

1159
00:57:23,360 --> 00:57:28,320
Speaker 1: maybe it's not the right thing, and therefore and yes, and.

1160
00:57:28,280 --> 00:57:31,280
Speaker 2: We're disappointing that person and it's all of that. Yeah,

1161
00:57:31,320 --> 00:57:32,800
Speaker 2: it's a huge awareness.

1162
00:57:32,920 --> 00:57:36,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, it really is. I wanted to head onto tooth six. Okay,

1163
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:40,280
Speaker 1: you need to be your best self even after the honeymoon,

1164
00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:42,240
Speaker 1: and say, the fact is, even if you end up

1165
00:57:42,240 --> 00:57:44,640
Speaker 1: with the partner you've always dreamed of, you're going to

1166
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,480
Speaker 1: have to face your demons. You're going to have to

1167
00:57:46,520 --> 00:57:52,000
Speaker 1: face yourself all the time. That is so, you know,

1168
00:57:52,080 --> 00:57:54,240
Speaker 1: I think when you end up getting married, a lot

1169
00:57:54,280 --> 00:57:56,440
Speaker 1: of people think, Okay, there we finally each other is done.

1170
00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:59,280
Speaker 1: Now now we can just you know, sail through. But

1171
00:57:59,560 --> 00:58:02,920
Speaker 1: it's almost like that's just the beginning. Yes, exactly. And

1172
00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:06,160
Speaker 1: working on yourself is working on your relationship. Do you

1173
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:09,400
Speaker 1: have any recommendations of how each person, in their own

1174
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:12,520
Speaker 1: way to be back to partners, can work on themselves,

1175
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:16,200
Speaker 1: like what weekly, monthly things should they be doing, or

1176
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:18,680
Speaker 1: reflections that they should be having about how they are as.

1177
00:58:18,600 --> 00:58:23,640
Speaker 2: Pon managing your stress. Yes, and noticing how your stress

1178
00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:27,000
Speaker 2: is coming out in the relationship, if it means that

1179
00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:30,960
Speaker 2: you withdraw, if it means that you get super irritable.

1180
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:33,720
Speaker 2: I mean, we all have stress, but we're talking about

1181
00:58:33,720 --> 00:58:37,200
Speaker 2: the chronic stress going in and out. And you know,

1182
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:44,760
Speaker 2: because we can't show up to a relationship consistently moody

1183
00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:47,760
Speaker 2: and irritable and in a bad mood and then expect

1184
00:58:47,800 --> 00:58:51,160
Speaker 2: just to be loved. We can have our bad days

1185
00:58:51,800 --> 00:58:56,600
Speaker 2: and that should be totally okay. Yeah, but that consistent

1186
00:58:56,680 --> 00:58:58,760
Speaker 2: bringing it to the relationship. So I think it's really

1187
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:04,920
Speaker 2: about really monitoring one's behavior and stress and being mindful

1188
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:08,520
Speaker 2: of the energy that they are consistently bringing to the relationship.

1189
00:59:08,600 --> 00:59:11,000
Speaker 1: Yes, that's so true. You always think, oh, but I'm

1190
00:59:11,040 --> 00:59:12,720
Speaker 1: just having a bad day. But as soon as you're

1191
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:14,840
Speaker 1: having a bad day, you're then transferring that energy for

1192
00:59:14,880 --> 00:59:17,160
Speaker 1: the other person to also have a bad day. So

1193
00:59:17,240 --> 00:59:19,560
Speaker 1: it's how do I manage my stress and my emotions

1194
00:59:19,600 --> 00:59:22,800
Speaker 1: to not constantly be bringing that to energetically pull both

1195
00:59:22,840 --> 00:59:25,880
Speaker 1: of us down. Yes, there is truth seven, Truth eight,

1196
00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,080
Speaker 1: and truth nine, but I think we're already heading over

1197
00:59:28,120 --> 00:59:29,880
Speaker 1: an hour. But I wanted to tell you guys what

1198
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:31,680
Speaker 1: they are so you can read them. Truth seven is

1199
00:59:31,720 --> 00:59:34,600
Speaker 1: you cannot convince someone to love you. Truth eight is

1200
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,880
Speaker 1: no one is coming to save you, and truth nine

1201
00:59:36,920 --> 00:59:39,200
Speaker 1: is you must make peace with your parent. And I

1202
00:59:39,240 --> 00:59:40,840
Speaker 1: feel like it's good that we don't go into them

1203
00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:42,800
Speaker 1: because it gives them more to read. Yes, but I

1204
00:59:42,800 --> 00:59:44,240
Speaker 1: want to go onto just a few questions that I

1205
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:46,800
Speaker 1: was asked by some of the audience, what is the

1206
00:59:46,880 --> 00:59:48,680
Speaker 1: right time frame to move in together?

1207
00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:57,479
Speaker 2: This is such an interesting question because there's a part

1208
00:59:57,520 --> 00:59:59,920
Speaker 2: of me that sees the value in a more tradition

1209
01:00:00,080 --> 01:00:04,240
Speaker 2: and all old fashioned framework, which is, you know, maybe

1210
01:00:04,240 --> 01:00:07,560
Speaker 2: you shouldn't move in until you actually know if you're

1211
01:00:07,560 --> 01:00:09,520
Speaker 2: going to get married or not. But I know that

1212
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:12,920
Speaker 2: that's very old fashioned. I'll never forget when I moved

1213
01:00:12,920 --> 01:00:17,200
Speaker 2: in with my ex husband, and obviously that relationship didn't last,

1214
01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:20,200
Speaker 2: but I didn't give up my own apartment even though

1215
01:00:20,240 --> 01:00:23,160
Speaker 2: I moved in. I thought, you know what, I haven't

1216
01:00:23,200 --> 01:00:25,280
Speaker 2: known him, I've only known him a year or no.

1217
01:00:25,360 --> 01:00:27,640
Speaker 2: I at that point, I only knew him like seven months.

1218
01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:29,720
Speaker 2: And we moved in quickly, and I thought, you know what,

1219
01:00:30,520 --> 01:00:32,960
Speaker 2: I'm not giving up my lease in New York. I'm not.

1220
01:00:33,520 --> 01:00:35,200
Speaker 2: We were in New York, but I'm like, I'm not

1221
01:00:35,240 --> 01:00:38,080
Speaker 2: giving up my lease. And I think I think that

1222
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:40,439
Speaker 2: was very smart. That was very good advice my mother

1223
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:44,000
Speaker 2: gave me. Because you know, living together is a whole

1224
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:47,720
Speaker 2: different ballgame, and so there's no one way to do

1225
01:00:47,760 --> 01:00:50,600
Speaker 2: a relationship. But I do tend to err on the

1226
01:00:50,640 --> 01:00:53,040
Speaker 2: side of like, can you just go a little bit

1227
01:00:53,080 --> 01:00:58,000
Speaker 2: slow and really get to know this person, because if

1228
01:00:58,000 --> 01:01:00,600
Speaker 2: it doesn't work out and you live together, oh, it

1229
01:01:00,880 --> 01:01:02,680
Speaker 2: just complicates the breakup.

1230
01:01:03,240 --> 01:01:05,960
Speaker 1: I also think there's the flip side, which is when

1231
01:01:06,000 --> 01:01:07,680
Speaker 1: if I don't live with him, then I won't know it.

1232
01:01:07,800 --> 01:01:09,360
Speaker 1: Like I think I need to live with him before

1233
01:01:09,400 --> 01:01:11,680
Speaker 1: we get married, so then I know whether it's gonna I.

1234
01:01:11,640 --> 01:01:14,040
Speaker 2: See that too. Yeah, and I see that as well.

1235
01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:14,760
Speaker 2: For sure.

1236
01:01:14,960 --> 01:01:16,880
Speaker 1: It's definitely to know.

1237
01:01:18,400 --> 01:01:21,120
Speaker 2: It's very it is a matter of chords. Just know

1238
01:01:21,920 --> 01:01:24,400
Speaker 2: again the messages. Just know when you live with someone

1239
01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:27,640
Speaker 2: and it doesn't work out, and this isn't to scare people,

1240
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:31,360
Speaker 2: But you know, do you really want to immessure your

1241
01:01:31,400 --> 01:01:34,800
Speaker 2: life with someone who maybe you just haven't even known

1242
01:01:34,840 --> 01:01:35,160
Speaker 2: a year?

1243
01:01:35,320 --> 01:01:37,920
Speaker 1: Yes, so let's give you a year as a ball.

1244
01:01:38,120 --> 01:01:38,360
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1245
01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:41,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, I still think about and feel like I love

1246
01:01:41,320 --> 01:01:43,080
Speaker 1: someone I was with for ten years. How do I

1247
01:01:43,160 --> 01:01:43,600
Speaker 1: let him go?

1248
01:01:44,280 --> 01:01:47,160
Speaker 2: I would just say, it's really not about that person anymore.

1249
01:01:47,600 --> 01:01:51,000
Speaker 2: You're replaying a story in your head and you're living

1250
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:54,320
Speaker 2: in the past, which makes me think that you're not

1251
01:01:54,480 --> 01:01:56,800
Speaker 2: living in the present. We need to start living in

1252
01:01:56,840 --> 01:01:59,720
Speaker 2: the present moment and start building a life for yourself

1253
01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:04,520
Speaker 2: that feels compelling to you, that you have a compelling

1254
01:02:04,640 --> 01:02:09,560
Speaker 2: reason to get out of bed to help others, whatever

1255
01:02:09,640 --> 01:02:13,640
Speaker 2: that is. Without fail, every person that I've ever spoken

1256
01:02:13,680 --> 01:02:16,240
Speaker 2: to or worked with who felt very much stuck in

1257
01:02:16,280 --> 01:02:18,880
Speaker 2: the past of a relationship that ended a long time ago,

1258
01:02:19,400 --> 01:02:28,400
Speaker 2: it's because they were procrastinating, if you will, resisting building

1259
01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:30,040
Speaker 2: their life in the present moment.

1260
01:02:30,280 --> 01:02:34,760
Speaker 1: I think sometimes it's also this feeling of this person

1261
01:02:34,920 --> 01:02:38,600
Speaker 1: changed me, or this person made me the happiest, Like

1262
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:41,080
Speaker 1: that was the happiest I was in that era, and

1263
01:02:41,160 --> 01:02:44,000
Speaker 1: so and or this feeling of this person fixed me,

1264
01:02:44,160 --> 01:02:47,000
Speaker 1: or this person brought joy into my life and I

1265
01:02:47,040 --> 01:02:49,560
Speaker 1: haven't felt that since, And so I guess a part

1266
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:51,840
Speaker 1: of it is also how do you then create that

1267
01:02:51,920 --> 01:02:52,960
Speaker 1: again for yourself.

1268
01:02:53,480 --> 01:02:56,800
Speaker 2: It's your relationship with yourself, it really, truly is. It

1269
01:02:57,000 --> 01:03:00,160
Speaker 2: just means that something needs to be explored and your

1270
01:03:00,280 --> 01:03:03,880
Speaker 2: relationship with you and your life. And absolutely, but a

1271
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:06,760
Speaker 2: lot of times we were deluded. A lot of times.

1272
01:03:06,760 --> 01:03:08,959
Speaker 2: It's not a good really, it wasn't a great relationship.

1273
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:13,280
Speaker 2: But we're replaying stuff and we're stuck in time, and

1274
01:03:14,320 --> 01:03:17,640
Speaker 2: you know, you want to slowly untether yourself and sometimes

1275
01:03:17,640 --> 01:03:20,680
Speaker 2: you know, a spouse dies and that's very hard, and

1276
01:03:20,800 --> 01:03:23,840
Speaker 2: it's a process to open yourself up to love again.

1277
01:03:24,040 --> 01:03:26,000
Speaker 1: I also think the more that you replace stuff in

1278
01:03:26,040 --> 01:03:28,920
Speaker 1: your mind, it's almost like it gets a little bit

1279
01:03:29,040 --> 01:03:32,080
Speaker 1: changed each time based on the narrative you want to

1280
01:03:32,080 --> 01:03:35,120
Speaker 1: create in your mind. So the story can, like let's

1281
01:03:35,120 --> 01:03:37,040
Speaker 1: say you've been thinking about it for ten years, the

1282
01:03:37,120 --> 01:03:41,280
Speaker 1: story slowly, slowly, slowly shifts towards to be favorable, towards

1283
01:03:41,360 --> 01:03:43,400
Speaker 1: what you want to happen or what you want to believe.

1284
01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:45,000
Speaker 1: So I know, like, even if you've been in a

1285
01:03:45,040 --> 01:03:49,160
Speaker 1: toxic relationship, you remember like the really beautiful times, and slowly,

1286
01:03:49,160 --> 01:03:51,960
Speaker 1: if you keep thinking of the beautiful times, you completely

1287
01:03:52,000 --> 01:03:54,960
Speaker 1: forget the times that he called you x racy, and

1288
01:03:55,000 --> 01:03:57,520
Speaker 1: you completely forgot about the time where he like, you know,

1289
01:03:57,680 --> 01:03:59,360
Speaker 1: locked you out of the house or whatever it was.

1290
01:04:00,120 --> 01:04:02,280
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, but that one time he like hugged

1291
01:04:02,320 --> 01:04:05,600
Speaker 1: me and it just felt like the whole world fell away,

1292
01:04:05,640 --> 01:04:07,919
Speaker 1: and it's like yeah, but the next day he's putting

1293
01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:10,760
Speaker 1: a bit yes, yes, you know, like yes, but you

1294
01:04:10,840 --> 01:04:12,880
Speaker 1: really do. And so I think the problem is the

1295
01:04:12,920 --> 01:04:15,720
Speaker 1: more you repeat thoughts in your mind or like stories

1296
01:04:15,840 --> 01:04:19,400
Speaker 1: or visuals of what that relationship was like, the further

1297
01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:22,040
Speaker 1: away you get from it, the more distorted it has

1298
01:04:22,040 --> 01:04:22,880
Speaker 1: the ability to be.

1299
01:04:23,160 --> 01:04:27,880
Speaker 2: Yes, that's very true, right, Yes, all memory we distort

1300
01:04:27,920 --> 01:04:29,640
Speaker 2: and delete all sorts of memories.

1301
01:04:29,760 --> 01:04:33,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, So stop rebuilding whoever this is, Stop rebuilding

1302
01:04:33,720 --> 01:04:36,680
Speaker 1: your own love for yourself and creating new memories that

1303
01:04:36,720 --> 01:04:38,680
Speaker 1: make you feel just as happy. How can I know

1304
01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:41,760
Speaker 1: if I'm being empathetic or justifying something I shouldn't.

1305
01:04:41,880 --> 01:04:47,320
Speaker 2: It's all boils down to defining and being able to

1306
01:04:47,360 --> 01:04:52,680
Speaker 2: define the tolerable versus the intolerable, and that is very

1307
01:04:52,720 --> 01:04:56,320
Speaker 2: important going into a relationship, especially if you feel like

1308
01:04:56,400 --> 01:04:58,760
Speaker 2: you have not been treated well on the past. So

1309
01:04:58,840 --> 01:05:03,480
Speaker 2: knowing what's tolerable the intolerable and then also investigating your stories.

1310
01:05:03,480 --> 01:05:06,440
Speaker 2: Are you're saying like this? You know? Is this? A

1311
01:05:06,480 --> 01:05:07,680
Speaker 2: lot of times it'll be like, well, I don't like

1312
01:05:07,720 --> 01:05:10,360
Speaker 2: the way that I'm being treated, but we don't think about, oh,

1313
01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:13,760
Speaker 2: how we're actually treating the other person too. But if

1314
01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:16,360
Speaker 2: you have a history of tolerating less than you deserve

1315
01:05:16,400 --> 01:05:18,520
Speaker 2: and you don't realize if you're being empathetic one, you

1316
01:05:18,520 --> 01:05:21,640
Speaker 2: can ask someone who you really trust, who has an

1317
01:05:21,640 --> 01:05:25,160
Speaker 2: objective point of view, and then to really have someone

1318
01:05:25,200 --> 01:05:30,800
Speaker 2: help you get clear about what is intolerable in a relationship. Yeah,

1319
01:05:30,880 --> 01:05:32,280
Speaker 2: a lot of people don't know that.

1320
01:05:33,360 --> 01:05:34,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, know what your boundaries are?

1321
01:05:34,680 --> 01:05:36,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to know what your boundaries are.

1322
01:05:36,480 --> 01:05:39,800
Speaker 1: Absolutely, thank you so much for this. I probably could

1323
01:05:39,840 --> 01:05:41,520
Speaker 1: ask you a thousand more questions, but I won't take

1324
01:05:41,560 --> 01:05:43,800
Speaker 1: up too much of your time. Thank you again, and

1325
01:05:43,840 --> 01:05:47,280
Speaker 1: everybody please go out and get it begins with you.

1326
01:05:47,800 --> 01:05:50,120
Speaker 1: It is such a beautiful book, and I guarantee you

1327
01:05:50,120 --> 01:05:52,360
Speaker 1: will come away from it learning so much more about yourself.

1328
01:05:53,080 --> 01:05:55,480
Speaker 1: Did thank you, Thank you. It's really beautiful. And I

1329
01:05:55,480 --> 01:05:56,480
Speaker 1: thank you so much.

1330
01:05:56,520 --> 01:06:00,000
Speaker 2: I appreciate you too, Thank you