Speaker 1: Nicky Grass, Yes, throw it out, Andrew, what's up? Catcoon?
Speaker 1: Oh my god? Hello? Wow, that bass is strong. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the Welcome to the first show of the JFL Escapes, Cancoon.
Speaker 1: How are y'all feeling, uh this afternoon? Yes? How many
Speaker 1: of you are confused as to what's happening over here
Speaker 1: right now in the back. Yes, look at this. Huh
Speaker 1: so much HPV in that pool. Huh, my god kills
Speaker 1: it and COVID COVID will kill it. What's gonna die first?
Speaker 1: HPV or to COVID? Who knows? We'll see it's a battle.
Speaker 1: I feel the same way about. Oh, It's like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get it. You know, I'm gonna get it. I
Speaker 1: hope I don't give it to my parents and uh,
Speaker 1: that's who you're gonna get it from. I did kissing
Speaker 1: my dad on mouth till I was twenty six, and
Speaker 1: he stopped. He was like, I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1: NICKI No, I tried. The weird part is I'm sorry
Speaker 1: to just jump into this. Hi. Welcome to the show everyone.
Speaker 1: This is the Nicky Glazer Podcast. We're so happy to
Speaker 1: be here in the rain in Cancoon. Uh podcasting to
Speaker 1: a bunch of people standing in a pool, probably pissing. Um,
Speaker 1: who's Pete in the pool so far? Let me just
Speaker 1: get honest, No women are raising just one girl, two girls? Alright,
Speaker 1: he took a ship. Who's the real person that took it?
Speaker 1: Hell yeah? Hell yeah? Who's the hero here? Yeah? Back
Speaker 1: to my dad kissing me on the lips. Um, It's
Speaker 1: it's like a thing in my family. I've covered it
Speaker 1: before in the show, but like, my dad did insist
Speaker 1: that my family kiss on the lips, like as kids,
Speaker 1: it's not a weird thing. And he always was like,
Speaker 1: you know, don't be weird about it. When I got
Speaker 1: to be an adult and I was like, Dan, I
Speaker 1: don't want kiss on the lips an where he's like, don't,
Speaker 1: don't make this out to me being creepy. He was
Speaker 1: always like, my my, I kissed my dad on the lips.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, but he died when you were eleven,
Speaker 1: Like that's the appropriate time to stop. And he's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you're right, But so I made him. The weird thing
Speaker 1: is I made him stop kissing me on the lips
Speaker 1: for at the age of twenty six. I'm thirty seven now.
Speaker 1: The other day he went to go see one of
Speaker 1: my like my show in Chicago, and he was like
Speaker 1: crying afterwards because I talked about anal too much. And
Speaker 1: um also he was proud and uh no, he was
Speaker 1: very emotion He was like he was just like so
Speaker 1: proud and it was sweet. And it was weird though,
Speaker 1: because he came in to hug me and I go, Dad,
Speaker 1: you want to kiss And I gave him a kiss
Speaker 1: on the lips, which is even weirder to be like,
Speaker 1: here's your reward, daddy. Like that made it worse somehow
Speaker 1: like it. So I went down on my mom after
Speaker 1: the show. She is in a wheelchair. She is in
Speaker 1: a wheelchair. She's still wearing jeans. I just ate through it. God, Andrew,
Speaker 1: people are swimming, like Drew, but these people are swimming. Um, guys,
Speaker 1: we are so excited to be here. I just woke
Speaker 1: up legit an hour ago. Um I yea waken up?
Speaker 1: You wake it up late? Um I you could literally
Speaker 1: say anything in the hooting. Do you want to test it?
Speaker 1: Do you want to test it? Andrew? Yeah, I'm going
Speaker 1: to jail for manslaughter. Yeah it was a child It
Speaker 1: was more like child slaughter. Spring. It's like the idea
Speaker 1: of the cardtel listening from far away, just outside the
Speaker 1: gates of this enclosure, just with a cup against the gate. Um.
Speaker 1: So yeah, we're in Cancoon. I we are in a
Speaker 1: very nice resort, uh, the Barcelo. Yes. We passed about
Speaker 1: ninety three different resorts on the way to this one
Speaker 1: from the airport, but this one had the best sign.
Speaker 1: I have to say. Like, I was like this one,
Speaker 1: We're going to the right place. This place. I've never
Speaker 1: been to a place like this that is like a compound,
Speaker 1: like all inclusive. Right, hard rock. This girl's screaming hard rock?
Speaker 1: What's that about. I think she's just here to promote
Speaker 1: the hard rock in Atlantic City, which is a separate
Speaker 1: issue altogether. But what do you mean by that? Don't
Speaker 1: ask her. It's fine. She was just talking about the
Speaker 1: douce she just took in the pool. It's sunk right
Speaker 1: to the bottom. Um, blame it on the dog. So
Speaker 1: I slept till thirty. You texted me. I think in
Speaker 1: the morning. We're You're supposed to go golfing in the
Speaker 1: morning with Nick who was a part of the JFL Show,
Speaker 1: and then Andrew Santino. We were all we hung out
Speaker 1: last night in my hotel room. I keep you guys
Speaker 1: out eventually because it was like I was tired and
Speaker 1: I was tired of talking shit about other comics. And uh,
Speaker 1: we did a lot of ship talking last night. It
Speaker 1: was really fun. But um, uh Joey, No, I'm just kidding. No,
Speaker 1: we didn't. No, no, I'm just thinking. I'm only saying
Speaker 1: that for the listeners of the show. Who know, I
Speaker 1: love Joe Koy, but there's a thing that he does that.
Speaker 1: Uh you know, if you don't know, if if you
Speaker 1: want to get a standing ovation as a comedian, just wait,
Speaker 1: after you're done, just do this. Thank you so much,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Oh my gosh, you guys, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. And then everyone will stand eventually
Speaker 1: because they have to leave. Uh So, anyway, we were
Speaker 1: just it was really fun. Well they're already standing in
Speaker 1: the pool. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point.
Speaker 1: I thought they'd float a little higher. So last night,
Speaker 1: I we went to bed and I slept in today
Speaker 1: till here's I pulled an Andrew today though, because I
Speaker 1: have to admit I forgot a toothbrush and I have
Speaker 1: not brushed my teeth in Um, you know twenty four
Speaker 1: hours over twenty four hours. Thank you so much. A right,
Speaker 1: you're in You're in Mexico, baby, Yeah, that's yes. I
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I did swish with the drinking water.
Speaker 1: Is that okay? Yeah? Oh you're dead, You're dead? Yolo.
Speaker 1: Um I I just did the thing where you pour.
Speaker 1: I squirted toothpaste in my mouth and then with my
Speaker 1: finger I went like dish and then I also I
Speaker 1: also flossed with you do yearly? And uh, what's that?
Speaker 1: Did you bring a toothbrush here when it happened to
Speaker 1: Mexico stays here? Yeah? I mean so maybe tell me.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. I just felt good there,
Speaker 1: just like a good excuse. It feels like anything. You
Speaker 1: get away with anything. But I realized if you don't so,
Speaker 1: I have always wondered why Andrew doesn't brush his teeth.
Speaker 1: First time, I fucking brush. You're telling all these people
Speaker 1: I don't fucking brush. I brush list if you don't
Speaker 1: listen to the show. Andrew and I live together in St. Louis, Missouri,
Speaker 1: and one time St. Louis go cards. I don't know
Speaker 1: anything about sports. Um, I just like playing cards and
Speaker 1: greeting cards and and go carts. Actually, when people say
Speaker 1: go cards to me, I'm always like go carts. Um
Speaker 1: I uh. One day I walked into Andrew's room and
Speaker 1: in his shower, I saw a toothbrush on the floor, which, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm a grubby person, and I don't care about germs.
Speaker 1: I don't find I don't care about that. I feel
Speaker 1: like that tooth brush is probably cleaner than most. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: because it's getting all the water and all your body hair. Well,
Speaker 1: I saw your vibrator on your underneath your bed, on
Speaker 1: the carpet, Like, what's cleaner? Before I put it back
Speaker 1: there the carpet. I'm not putting that in my well. Okay,
Speaker 1: I did putting it in my mouth. Sometimes let's put
Speaker 1: in your well. Not when it's on vibrate. That'll break
Speaker 1: a tooth. But you know, um, when I have cankers
Speaker 1: and uh so, do you think you're gonna get some
Speaker 1: vacation cock you think? Wait, I'm not done talking about
Speaker 1: your toothbrust. I was trying to switch it up. Well,
Speaker 1: what I have to say is that I understand now.
Speaker 1: I never understood how you could wake up and not
Speaker 1: brush your teeth because your breath just tastes so bad.
Speaker 1: But if you eat something right away or drink something
Speaker 1: with flavor you it goes away. So you can just
Speaker 1: not brush your teeth and not even notice. So I'm
Speaker 1: on board, man, I'm on I'm getting gingivitis, I'm getting HPV,
Speaker 1: I'm getting I ain't getting vacation cocks though, Did you
Speaker 1: just bring that up? Yeah, vacation cock. Is there any
Speaker 1: way that any of these gentlemen can woo you in
Speaker 1: a way that will have sex in a in a hammock? Well,
Speaker 1: I do not hammock, you know, are there hammocks? Oh,
Speaker 1: there's hammocks over there. Or the bathtub that's on the balcony.
Speaker 1: I feel like they just ordered extra bathtubs here when
Speaker 1: they were creating this place, and they were like, we
Speaker 1: didn't leave room to put these inside. Is there any
Speaker 1: place because they look very out of place on the balcony.
Speaker 1: It's like it's too much. It's not like a jacuzi
Speaker 1: or like a spot. It's like a bathtub, like it
Speaker 1: has like the the grip on the bottom for like
Speaker 1: it looks like a handicap bathroom where there's nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with that, but no, nothing at all. Yeah, because there's
Speaker 1: no there's no get you know, there's no push back,
Speaker 1: and then you hump once and then it swings. But
Speaker 1: if you get with the swing, maybe it could do.
Speaker 1: You know that Mormons when they do the thing of
Speaker 1: everyone knows about soaking, right, like Mormons are supposed to
Speaker 1: have sex. You're a Mormon on the bridge over there?
Speaker 1: Oh no, but you just know about it. You listen
Speaker 1: to a podcast about Mormonism. Okay, got it, girl. So Mormons,
Speaker 1: I didn't know this. But they're so creative, so they're
Speaker 1: not allowed to have sex before marriage, right, so, but
Speaker 1: they're so horny, so a lot of times they will
Speaker 1: do the thing called soaking where they just put the
Speaker 1: penis in and because it doesn't go back and forth,
Speaker 1: it doesn't count as sex, right, like God doesn't see it.
Speaker 1: But then the weird part is I just found this out.
Speaker 1: Maybe a lot of you know, they'll get their friends
Speaker 1: to jump on the bed so that they're not actually
Speaker 1: doing it and it's their friend's fault. Or they wait
Speaker 1: for an earthquake and that's a little bit more time consummate,
Speaker 1: but more private of course, and God actually causes the
Speaker 1: earthquake because you're soaking and he's mad. It seems like
Speaker 1: he's into it. So that's kind of like the same
Speaker 1: idea as a hammock. That, yeah, you soak on a
Speaker 1: hammock and then two buddies push it around. Have you
Speaker 1: ever had sex on a hammock or a vacation sex.
Speaker 1: I've had sex on a water bed, and it's similar,
Speaker 1: I guess you know. Oh yeah, it's hard. It's hard
Speaker 1: to funk on a water bed. Yeah, because no one
Speaker 1: has a water bed anymore. Where do you find one?
Speaker 1: That's the hard part. I'm from Florida, everywhere they're still around.
Speaker 1: That's where they all get your kid. You get your
Speaker 1: own little water bed and then you grow up to
Speaker 1: a big daddy water bed. Andrew have a question for you, like,
Speaker 1: based on what we thought this would be, doing a
Speaker 1: live podcast in the rain in Cancoon for a bunch
Speaker 1: of people in a pool that are really here maybe
Speaker 1: to see Andrew Santino, what did you feel this is
Speaker 1: going so far? How do you feel it's going so far?
Speaker 1: Me too? I feel the same place. I agree, I agree,
Speaker 1: I agree. I feel like Polly Shore on spring Break.
Speaker 1: You know, remember when he would just like grope women
Speaker 1: and everyone be like that's Polly, you know it's raining.
Speaker 1: I love that we're all well older than is anyone
Speaker 1: in college here. No one should be yelling spring break
Speaker 1: past thirty. You're in college right there. Awesome ring break,
Speaker 1: grad school going back? Okay, yeah, hell yeah. Uh I um,
Speaker 1: I am getting really wet, uh not because of that
Speaker 1: hat you're wearing. Um no, I am. I'm ever. It
Speaker 1: is for those of you listening for so by the way,
Speaker 1: this podcast for our listeners, and I do hope that
Speaker 1: you all get on board with this podcast because it's
Speaker 1: generally not as chaotic because this I'm having fun. So
Speaker 1: far we've got you've listened, you've listened, Thank you. That
Speaker 1: was hilarious that a girl in the front row of
Speaker 1: the pool, which is I've been is a thing I've
Speaker 1: never said, just told me. She goes, I've listened, and
Speaker 1: usually someone goes, I'm a listener, or like I love it,
Speaker 1: but she's like, I've given it a whirl. I've listened.
Speaker 1: Like she's talking about going to Vietnam or it wasn't easy,
Speaker 1: but it is. Thank you so much for your service
Speaker 1: and listening to our podcast at one time. I hope
Speaker 1: you get to board planes early um no, if you
Speaker 1: do listen to this podcast. Um we this is going
Speaker 1: to be airing on Thanksgiving. So I just want to
Speaker 1: give everyone at home and everyone here, I just a
Speaker 1: happy Thanksgiving. I don't know. Uh, I just want to
Speaker 1: say I hope you're I hope this is good for
Speaker 1: you to adequately like, you know, avoid your family today
Speaker 1: all those like things that everyone said, every meme that's
Speaker 1: circulating today about like, well, your family sucks and it's
Speaker 1: better to be alone, you know, Like every meme on
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving is just like don't bring up politics or do
Speaker 1: to like alienate yourself from your uncle who molested you,
Speaker 1: like you know, I don't know, it's always about that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't bring up politics at dinner. I mean I
Speaker 1: just don't know, because you don't know anything about politics anywhere.
Speaker 1: You don't bring anything with me. I'll tell you everything. Um,
Speaker 1: who is the Secretary of State? What state? I shouldn't
Speaker 1: ask questions I don't know the answer to. I have
Speaker 1: no idea. Does anyone know? You know? We're all in
Speaker 1: who No, No, that's a thanks having dish. Um. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I did you have fun at breakfast this morning?
Speaker 1: Without me? Yeah? We did, especially because you weren't there.
Speaker 1: I will say that you came by my room right
Speaker 1: before this podcast. We met up like a half hour before,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, Andrew, I had a headache
Speaker 1: from not having coffee, and I was like, can you
Speaker 1: just bring me a coffee please. I'm I'm still spray
Speaker 1: tanting myself, which by the way, it's it's all I feel.
Speaker 1: I'm so scared that I'm gonna be like dotted with
Speaker 1: white dots because of this. You look like a spotted pig,
Speaker 1: like like one of the little tiny teacup pigs that
Speaker 1: are bred, uh you know, that are starved to death
Speaker 1: so that they're sold in their cuter you look. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was spray tanting myself waiting for it to dry,
Speaker 1: which it doesn't in this humidity, so uh noted, and um,
Speaker 1: you brought me a coffee and it was guys. He goes.
Speaker 1: He brought it in and I was like, oh, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for the coffee, and I go, he goes.
Speaker 1: The setups actually pretty great. We missed you this morning,
Speaker 1: and I'm really excited about doing it, and I just go, wait,
Speaker 1: did you just say you missed me this morning? It
Speaker 1: was the most subtle little thing. It meant a lot.
Speaker 1: I go. I was gonna let it go because I go,
Speaker 1: I think he just tried to share a feeling and
Speaker 1: I don't want to like, like, you know, harp on
Speaker 1: it and it makes me uncomfortable to me. But I
Speaker 1: didn't miss you. I missed you, so don't act like
Speaker 1: you didn't miss me. This I did. I did because
Speaker 1: I thought we had to pay and then it was
Speaker 1: all inclusive and I was like, not that much though
Speaker 1: I thought I'd run your card a few times. You know, well,
Speaker 1: I what did you have fun with you? Yeah? We
Speaker 1: bought a football I just threw into the pool, which
Speaker 1: I didn't think about because I don't think I'm getting
Speaker 1: it back fucking nine thousand pactos or something. It's so expensive.
Speaker 1: Everything is so expensive. Here, what did you pays? Excuse me,
Speaker 1: I was giving it a female touch. They're little pass
Speaker 1: that we're skirt in. Um okay, So do do we
Speaker 1: have like any should we get to the news? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Thank you? Oh my god. I've been wanting to hear
Speaker 1: that from a drunk man for so long. That's the
Speaker 1: only time they say it to me too. When they're
Speaker 1: that guy looks like he wrote a four wheel area.
Speaker 1: Hell yeah, hell yeah. That guy fucking put the mountain
Speaker 1: dew into his penis. It's a bada hell yeah, I
Speaker 1: love you. I'll fucking chuck your dick. Bro. Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: By the way, if you see Andrew walking around this
Speaker 1: resort at any time throughout the day, if you want
Speaker 1: to say, like Andrew, I love you, big fan, it
Speaker 1: will it will make It's like zoloft for him, Like
Speaker 1: he will be happy for like three months because of
Speaker 1: your compliment. And so, I don't think I'm above any
Speaker 1: of you, but I do want to say I do
Speaker 1: want to say, though, that the time between he started
Speaker 1: I love you Nikki and I love you Andrew was
Speaker 1: enough time for him to whisper to someone, who's the
Speaker 1: guy's name again, what's the what's the guy's name? Thank you?
Speaker 1: You love us? What's my last name? No? Great? What's
Speaker 1: my middle name? Not see that right? He said that, dude,
Speaker 1: I hailed it all right, let's get to the news.
Speaker 1: Tell me a news story. Because it was the perfect
Speaker 1: amount of time for him to be like, hurt whatever.
Speaker 1: Three other people don't know my name is probably the
Speaker 1: game where you go underwater and you try to have
Speaker 1: the person say something and scream it and see if
Speaker 1: you can hear it. That's probably what he did. You
Speaker 1: ever kiss your dad underwater? Wild things? You've seen the scene?
Speaker 1: We recreated it? Or show Girls? Remember, No, I never
Speaker 1: saw that's onto that. Recently, sex therapists say that holiday
Speaker 1: horny no is is a thing. Yeah, for sure, I
Speaker 1: mean that's obvious. I don't holidays evoke feelings of closeness
Speaker 1: and connection. Also, when people are on vacation, they are
Speaker 1: hornier because you've taken away the stress of the daily grind. Yes,
Speaker 1: and it just doesn't feel like this is the real world,
Speaker 1: you know, like it just it honestly does feel like
Speaker 1: nothing we do here is going to be accounted for
Speaker 1: outside of these walls. Can't get pregnant in Mexico? I heard, Yes,
Speaker 1: I read that because the water source makes you infertile,
Speaker 1: the cartel will kill your baby. Actually, um yeah, I mean, like,
Speaker 1: are you feeling do you miss Brenna? Are you feeling
Speaker 1: horny here? Yeah? I miss Brenna of course. But I
Speaker 1: mean there's a girl did off? Have you jerked off
Speaker 1: here yet? No? I'm saving my stock for two weeks
Speaker 1: for my lady present. You know, maybe a girl likes
Speaker 1: more than a ton of come right, all right? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was just about to ask how many people have
Speaker 1: come so far since they've been here, But I just
Speaker 1: feel like, really, you're here together right now. Oh, he's
Speaker 1: up against the Jets, Andrew you know all about that.
Speaker 1: Andrew uh famously used to as a child, tell tell
Speaker 1: them about you and the Jets, not the team. My
Speaker 1: parents had a hot tub. Not to brag about our money,
Speaker 1: but I would suck the Jets before I could actually ejaculate.
Speaker 1: So I just do it till anyhow. I would do
Speaker 1: it every night. I bring a book in to trick
Speaker 1: them and uh, what do you mean? Like I would
Speaker 1: be in there for like an hour and I'd be like, Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm reading Odysseus or whatever, and my mom's like, oh,
Speaker 1: we got a little hemming way And then I got
Speaker 1: an f in English and she's like, oh, I think
Speaker 1: he's fucking jet. You know. Yeah, do you ever like
Speaker 1: go in a hot tub and just have kind of
Speaker 1: a flashback or like an impulse to just turn around
Speaker 1: and like just get up on it and and grind.
Speaker 1: I'd be lying if I said no, Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: the bathtub outside on our balcony is just every night.
Speaker 1: Last night he was like, hey, bitch, come on over there. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was whispering to you, don't be scared. Yeah, all right,
Speaker 1: next story, all right, this one's fun. The top five
Speaker 1: most commonly googled STDs in the US R What do
Speaker 1: we think? Oh number? Can I guess? Can I guess?
Speaker 1: This guy yelled at like he typed it in the world. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's gotta be herpies because that's the one that's like
Speaker 1: you see something right away and you go, what is it?
Speaker 1: And you look it up and it's I've done it.
Speaker 1: I've started herpes so many times I type in H
Speaker 1: and it just fills it in for me and so
Speaker 1: and then you look at the sores and then you
Speaker 1: compare it to what you have, and you go and
Speaker 1: you find one that does convince I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: have herpes. I I don't judge anyone who does. I
Speaker 1: just have. Um. It's always razor burn that keeps coming
Speaker 1: back every few months when I get stressed and all
Speaker 1: my boyfriend's get it. But it's definitely razor burn. Don't
Speaker 1: worry about it. And I got on my mouth. So
Speaker 1: it's just weird. No, I don't. I don't have herpes yet,
Speaker 1: but I feel like it's it's number one. No way,
Speaker 1: clam media is number one. I think people are just
Speaker 1: trying to figure out a spell it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, herpes, gnarrhea.
Speaker 1: What is ganaria? Again? Is that? Is that general warks?
Speaker 1: I have no idea. Um, don't ask them. The clap,
Speaker 1: the class media, then the snap what's oh? And then
Speaker 1: I wait, what about crabs? Are crabs still around? I
Speaker 1: I know that pubic hair is it? It's their habitat?
Speaker 1: And I know deforestation has been plaguing the crab community
Speaker 1: for the past couple of decades. At least they have.
Speaker 1: You know, it's a real problem. That's crabs. Like what
Speaker 1: is crabs short for something? Oh? No, No, crabs and
Speaker 1: scabies are different. It's scabies, dude, you've had it before.
Speaker 1: I've had scabies. I haven't had crabs. I got scabies
Speaker 1: from a Turkish bath that you were up against the Jets.
Speaker 1: Wait what that seems like the story you tell your
Speaker 1: girlfriend who you also gave scabies two? I was a
Speaker 1: Turkish bath, babe, Yeah, yeah it was. It was a towel.
Speaker 1: H Syphilis is number five don't skip over to scab.
Speaker 1: Your scab story, Well, I had it for a couple
Speaker 1: of months and I was really scared and um, and
Speaker 1: then I went to a doctor and the nurse was
Speaker 1: too good looking to show my balls too, so I
Speaker 1: just said I had a little rash on my hands
Speaker 1: and uh she said it was psoriasis, and I was like,
Speaker 1: that's worse. And then so you guys to my buddy
Speaker 1: that's a doctor, and I go, what is this and
Speaker 1: he goes, it's a lot of hair and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: what else? And he's like and so you got like
Speaker 1: you suffered for months with scabies because there was a
Speaker 1: hot nurse. Like girls should not. Women should be aware
Speaker 1: that if there, if any woman being a nurse should
Speaker 1: be aware that when you go into a room with
Speaker 1: a guy that that he with that a guy that
Speaker 1: looks a little nervous, he might change his story based
Speaker 1: on how like he might get. You know, like, would
Speaker 1: you do that now even though you have a girlfriend. No,
Speaker 1: I think I'd be all right. I mean she was
Speaker 1: just you know, she was wearing you know, a little
Speaker 1: a little top. Wasn't Halloween, and she was dressed as
Speaker 1: that might have not have been a nurse. I don't
Speaker 1: know what it was. It was a woman in an
Speaker 1: alley smoking craft and I was like, when you look
Speaker 1: at my real quick? Um, but yeah, that's that's your
Speaker 1: your friends. We learned a lot. We really did learn
Speaker 1: a lot. We have a segment on the show we
Speaker 1: like to do called Top One Bottom One. It's where
Speaker 1: we say our least favorite and most favorite stories of
Speaker 1: a certain subject. The category today is vacation moments, because
Speaker 1: this is a vacation for many of you. Yes, so
Speaker 1: I'm at a Kenny Chesney concert. No ship is the problem?
Speaker 1: Hell yeah, yeah, roll have you been doing Kenny n
Speaker 1: I'd love to go. I know I would say it
Speaker 1: sounds fun. Uh So tell me what is your least favorite,
Speaker 1: your bottom vacation memory? Probably I talked about it this week.
Speaker 1: But having an overdose in New Orleans, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: too much cocaine. Was it really an overdose? It was
Speaker 1: a mild overdose. The doctor said I was a pussy.
Speaker 1: The medical No, I had a heart murmur, which is
Speaker 1: just a lazy heart. At that murmur? Did you have
Speaker 1: a murmur? A little bitch? I was like, dude, And
Speaker 1: then I was in the heart word for three days
Speaker 1: and I lost seven thousand dollars. You know, wow, Jesus Christ,
Speaker 1: I didn't lose it. But and then yeah, so that
Speaker 1: was that, Like you were gambling, what's your weird story? Um,
Speaker 1: my worst one is probably when well it's also my
Speaker 1: best and worst. I'll crank out two in one. My
Speaker 1: best one was I got my first kiss on spring
Speaker 1: my first consensual kiss. Let maybe totally honest about that.
Speaker 1: The first one was definitely a rape that I didn't enjoy,
Speaker 1: but you can be rape kiss. I didn't know if
Speaker 1: anyone knows that, but I definitely was. And it was
Speaker 1: like a humble brag, I know, just kidding, just kidding.
Speaker 1: Do you know there's different kinds of rape? Besides? I
Speaker 1: don't mean to bring up rate, but like I guess
Speaker 1: I do. Um, but there's a aatan's rape, which I've
Speaker 1: never heard of. I was visiting a college campus and
Speaker 1: I just picked up the newspaper to go, oh, what's
Speaker 1: you know a topical thing I could talk about on stage?
Speaker 1: And um, I wasn't visiting. I was actually, you know,
Speaker 1: performing at it. And so it said acquaintance rape on campus,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I love the idea that they
Speaker 1: have to. A girl goes to the police and it's
Speaker 1: like I was raped, and they're like, who did it? Like,
Speaker 1: were you attacked and pulled in some bushes by a stranger? No,
Speaker 1: like I I like I knew him. Oh were you
Speaker 1: guys dating? That would be no, it wasn't a date. Well,
Speaker 1: like I knew him, but like we're like he was
Speaker 1: like a friend of a friend. Like, oh, acquaintance, rape, Okay,
Speaker 1: Like so you guys just like nod to each other
Speaker 1: on campus. Why do we have to even qualify it?
Speaker 1: Like you know what I'm saying. I had no idea
Speaker 1: about this until just now. But ye, so anyway, I wash.
Speaker 1: My first kiss was just you know, he just no,
Speaker 1: he was a friend and h but it was a kiss.
Speaker 1: And then the second one, my second kiss, which was official,
Speaker 1: was in Fort Myers. And the beauty of that was
Speaker 1: was my group of friends in high school were not
Speaker 1: like the popular girls. We were just like somewhere in between.
Speaker 1: But I had never kissed a boy. Was sixteen or
Speaker 1: seventeen at this point, and all my friends had like
Speaker 1: blown people and like gone down on each other and
Speaker 1: I had not, and I had not done anything, and
Speaker 1: I was so nervous. I was like, I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: bad at it, and um, and I really wanted my
Speaker 1: I I have lofty goals. I'm like, it has to
Speaker 1: be someone pretty impressive, and I couldn't get anyone at
Speaker 1: my high school impressive enough because I wasn't cool enough
Speaker 1: and there was popular girls that they could kiss. So
Speaker 1: we go down to Fort Myers, Florida, and it's there's
Speaker 1: like no one there that we're really into. Me and
Speaker 1: my girlfriends are on the beach laying out, and then
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, the group of popular guys from
Speaker 1: our high school are also vacationing in Fort Myers, Florida,
Speaker 1: but the girls are the popular girls are not there.
Speaker 1: And these guys are striking out in Fort Myers and
Speaker 1: they see us and they know that they have value
Speaker 1: to us, and they're like, I guess this is good enough.
Speaker 1: And they're like, let's hang ladies, and I'm like, yes,
Speaker 1: we get hang with the most popular boys. So then
Speaker 1: we go that night. Are you booing? Okay? I know
Speaker 1: this is so stupid. What Buddha popular boys. They're they're
Speaker 1: all degenerates now, not doing very well working for their
Speaker 1: dad's construction companies. So it's like who won in the end,
Speaker 1: but yeah, does blue collar workers computer on. I've been
Speaker 1: told to stop talking about them because I've been contacted
Speaker 1: by like friends of theirs being like stop like instagram,
Speaker 1: liv ing the the yearbook and saying like this guy
Speaker 1: was hot in high school. And I'm like, why why
Speaker 1: they go because he's just going through a really hard
Speaker 1: time and you're like bringing up some memories. I'm like
Speaker 1: that he was cool in high school, like tough. So
Speaker 1: I won't drop names, but uh, that's what I usually
Speaker 1: drop a name. But I'm really actually scared of these
Speaker 1: people because I live now in this city where they are.
Speaker 1: So we go to this guy's like Grandma's house and
Speaker 1: it's the popular boys and it's the first time I'm
Speaker 1: like drinking in my whole life, and I'm feeling a
Speaker 1: little drunken. I know that I'm gonna like kiss a
Speaker 1: boy that night, and I'm like so excited, and I
Speaker 1: have my eyes set on this guy, Matt. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm like he I've always liked him. I've I've always
Speaker 1: had a thing for this guy. And we're and then
Speaker 1: there's other guys that I'm just like I can't even
Speaker 1: get them right now, like they're two, that's too lofty
Speaker 1: of goals. I'll take this Matt guy, who I already liked.
Speaker 1: So we're in this silarium room alone and we are
Speaker 1: literally like, I'm not even kidding you. It was out
Speaker 1: of like a movie. I'm about to get my first
Speaker 1: We're we're this close to kissing. And my friend Taylor,
Speaker 1: who was on the water polo team, and she was
Speaker 1: a year older and she was on the water polo
Speaker 1: team with all these popular boys. She was kind of
Speaker 1: like cool with them and just like you know, wasn't
Speaker 1: as intimidated. She burst in the room and all my
Speaker 1: friends are outside the room like being like nicky kiss
Speaker 1: and we're just kind of laughing and I'm leaning in
Speaker 1: too kiss this guy for the first time. And we
Speaker 1: get this close, and she burst in the room and
Speaker 1: she's like Nikki. She goes, sorry, sorry, Matt, you've been trumped.
Speaker 1: And it was the first time I heard the word
Speaker 1: trumped in my life. And I know, but it's pertinent
Speaker 1: to give him a chance, jeez. She goes, she goes,
Speaker 1: he'll be back, watch your words. So she goes, sorry, Matt,
Speaker 1: you've been trumped, and she's pulling this guy, Larry, who
Speaker 1: he doesn't care if I say his name. He's pulling
Speaker 1: this guy. She's pulling this guy Larry, and um, she
Speaker 1: goes and she mouths me, he wants to make out
Speaker 1: with you, and I go, so sorry, Matt, We'll we'll
Speaker 1: see you next time. And Matt literally went from this
Speaker 1: to like having to leave. And then Larry popped down
Speaker 1: and I was like, because Larry was legit, like he
Speaker 1: was it, he was the he was the hottest guy
Speaker 1: in our school. So then because of I'm in the
Speaker 1: situation where there's no other women and like I'm as
Speaker 1: only choice, he sits to which is how I got
Speaker 1: I mean, I've used these tactics to get hot guys
Speaker 1: my whole life. The rest. Yeah, this was this was
Speaker 1: honestly the last resort on the way from the airport.
Speaker 1: So we so he sits down and I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I'm about to kiss Larry, like this is
Speaker 1: a dream come true. And I was so awkward, didn't
Speaker 1: know what to do, and he did this really dumb
Speaker 1: move where he was like we were both like drinking
Speaker 1: wine and he like spilled it on my boobs. I
Speaker 1: just did it to myself, but I didn't mean to.
Speaker 1: I didn't know that. That That didn't mean spilled it. And
Speaker 1: then he remember that made me uncomfortable. I missed you
Speaker 1: at breakfast. Um so so I uh so he spilled
Speaker 1: it on me, and he goes, oh, no, what are
Speaker 1: we gonna do to clean that up? I was like
Speaker 1: looking for a towel. I was like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I mean, you did it to me. He spilled red
Speaker 1: wine on my j cruise swimsuit I bought specifically for
Speaker 1: that trip. Fuck. And I'm like looking around like kind
Speaker 1: of for Seltzer, being like I know Seltzer works, but
Speaker 1: this was in the like the early two thousands before
Speaker 1: Seltzer was like everywhere you know, and like looking for
Speaker 1: a Lacroix, but there's none to be found. And then
Speaker 1: he goes, we just like let me get it, and
Speaker 1: he just starts sucking my boob to like clean it
Speaker 1: up like abistle shot back. And so before my first kiss,
Speaker 1: I got my first boob suck. Do you think, thanks Joe?
Speaker 1: And then let me say why this was the worst.
Speaker 1: So that was the best because I was like I
Speaker 1: got to kiss the hottest guy in our grade. This
Speaker 1: is such like this is I can't wait to bring
Speaker 1: this back with me. This will be awesome and bragging
Speaker 1: rights exactly. But I wasn't that type of girl that
Speaker 1: was like, I mean, I just wanted to tell my friends,
Speaker 1: you know, like my other friends that weren't on the trip.
Speaker 1: So then I get back to school and I'm feeling
Speaker 1: really tired and like getting a sore throat. I got
Speaker 1: fucking mono from my first kiss that lasted my for
Speaker 1: three months. And the only and by the way, I
Speaker 1: did not know this at the time, the only people
Speaker 1: that had mono in the school and by the way,
Speaker 1: he he didn't tell anyone. I was like a secret,
Speaker 1: which is always embarrassing when you're that girl that's like,
Speaker 1: why don't you tell anyone? They're like, just because I'm
Speaker 1: respecting your privacy. It's not because I'm embarrassed. And he
Speaker 1: didn't tell anyone because it was me, him and his girlfriend,
Speaker 1: which I didn't had a girlfriend, and then and we
Speaker 1: and because we all had mono, it was like a
Speaker 1: thing in school, so everyone ended up knowing and that
Speaker 1: was my worst thing. What was your worst What was
Speaker 1: your best vacation moment? Andrew Colin listening to that story
Speaker 1: that would have worked better with worse And how dare you?
Speaker 1: I mean, you have them, but and that's why you're
Speaker 1: wearing a shirt, and you will be the rest of
Speaker 1: this trap. Don't pretend like this is just what shirt. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll take my shirt it off, I promise, not right now,
Speaker 1: not right now, not in brend of people, when I'm
Speaker 1: alone in my room under the bed, but I'll take
Speaker 1: it off. No, no, no, when I'm alone, when I'm alone,
Speaker 1: when I'm alone, all right, all right, stopping. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: I really apologize to everyone listening to this at their
Speaker 1: aunt's house on Thanksgiving and listening to people shreaking, just
Speaker 1: being like I wish I was that fun, but there's
Speaker 1: no what's the best vacation? Uh, probably fingering a girl.
Speaker 1: That's about it. That was the whole story. Yeah, did
Speaker 1: you spill red wine and we're like, let me get
Speaker 1: it up. Yeah, it was a white wine. I kept
Speaker 1: doing classy you know. No, it's on a cruise and
Speaker 1: I fingered her and then I got an age test
Speaker 1: when I was a virgin because I bit my nails
Speaker 1: after I fingered her. Yeah, that's a true story. It's sad.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Yeah, I truly that was your best one?
Speaker 1: Did you like get to brag? Were your brothers on
Speaker 1: that trip to like? Was your whole family? Was there
Speaker 1: my family? Were you so excited? It was my first
Speaker 1: anty ovation? It was amazing? Ye are stop? This will
Speaker 1: be unlistenable if all we have is screams. But I
Speaker 1: do appreciate the enthusiasm. So was that really your stop it?
Speaker 1: Take off your shirt, Andrews, take your shirt off. You
Speaker 1: take your shirt off. I don't have anything under this.
Speaker 1: Stop it. I feel like this isn't consensual. Y'all are
Speaker 1: acquaintance raping for me right now? I don't like it.
Speaker 1: It feels a lot like acquainting raping. You know what
Speaker 1: I wanted to do. I wanted to when I looked
Speaker 1: out across the pool, and I don't want this to
Speaker 1: be chaotic. I want you and you all have probably
Speaker 1: looked at each other, observed each other. I want this
Speaker 1: to be as organized as possible without as much chaos.
Speaker 1: I want who here has the worst tattoo? Several people
Speaker 1: to line up? Yeah, well, y'all, line up, come here,
Speaker 1: get out of the pool. That's a great idea. If
Speaker 1: you have a shitty tattoo, line is. I mean this,
Speaker 1: this could go on all night from what I've seen,
Speaker 1: but look at that guy that just walked over. It
Speaker 1: was like, I gotta do it. If anyone has a
Speaker 1: good tattoo, here, okay, honey, oh my god, is that
Speaker 1: a port wine stain or atchoo? You have a crab? Wait?
Speaker 1: Come here, here, get in the camera with me. Okay,
Speaker 1: So if you guys could just stop screaming for a second,
Speaker 1: just so I can hear her. Okay, So what is
Speaker 1: your name? You're only okay, so you sound to be
Speaker 1: in the same state that the tattoo artists who gave
Speaker 1: you these wise and okay, tell me which one of
Speaker 1: these tattoos is your most embarrassed? You got your what
Speaker 1: my ex is tattoo covered up? You got your ex's
Speaker 1: tattoo covered up? Now eat his name? Wait? What what
Speaker 1: does what does that mean? Your ex's tattoo like a tattoo?
Speaker 1: You got four your X or a tattoo that your
Speaker 1: ex gave you know, he's ex's best dad gave it
Speaker 1: to me, your ex's best dad? He hasn't out of
Speaker 1: all his dad's the best one. Okay, show me what
Speaker 1: what it is. So it says on the wings of
Speaker 1: a dream and there's a feather that looks like a
Speaker 1: house centipede. And wait, let's le let's get into the
Speaker 1: camera so the people on YouTube can see. Can you
Speaker 1: just turn there's the camera right there. Okay, what was
Speaker 1: it before? What was it before? Honey? Please Anthony? Oh
Speaker 1: it was Oh it's said Anthony before, and now it
Speaker 1: says on the wings of a dream. Um. I go
Speaker 1: back to Anthony, literally, go back to him. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much, Emily, that was great. All right, okay, Andrew,
Speaker 1: who do you have over there? You can go back
Speaker 1: in the pool suite. Thank you so much. Thank you girl.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, the line is out of the resort,
Speaker 1: you guys for bad tattoos into the ocean. All right,
Speaker 1: we're gonna do here. What's your name? Okay, Emma, Emma
Speaker 1: giving him a round of applause. We can't hear her. Okay, Emma,
Speaker 1: what um what's your tattoo? And why is it terrible?
Speaker 1: Is it your best? Dads? Dude, I only have one
Speaker 1: tattoo and it's and it's bad. I never wanted a tattoo. Okay,
Speaker 1: why did you get one? I was in Alaska, Alaska, Alaska.
Speaker 1: The old. I was. I'm on a glacier. Obviously, the
Speaker 1: tattoo parlors there are not the best. Yeah, so where
Speaker 1: where is it? Yes? Oh, it's on your kind of
Speaker 1: it's cute. I like it. Okay, it's a mountain range.
Speaker 1: You guys, this looks like she was in the Nixium Call.
Speaker 1: To be honest with you, this looks like the initials
Speaker 1: two people who were Wait, let's just see it really quick.
Speaker 1: It's a mountain range with the food. I think that's adorable.
Speaker 1: The lines are way too long. The lines are too long.
Speaker 1: It's ugly. It's not ugly. I actually really like it.
Speaker 1: Your friend got the moon and you have the sun.
Speaker 1: Are you still friends with that girl? Yeah? Of course,
Speaker 1: yeah we'll think good. I don't regret that for you. Yea, yeah,
Speaker 1: great job. Okay, Hi, honey, I got this tattoo with
Speaker 1: my three best friends. Yes, most of you will know
Speaker 1: this as Mario super Blast on Mario Race cart. Okay,
Speaker 1: why did you choose that? Oh, it's like it's three
Speaker 1: like mountain range kind of triangles. Uh, you know, triangles
Speaker 1: without the bottom? Okay, why did you get that? So
Speaker 1: that's the thing you go over and it goes boom
Speaker 1: and it makes you exactly you're gonna get a super
Speaker 1: blast from this tattoo on Mario Kart. Yep, yep, yep yepp.
Speaker 1: I got this with my best friends. She put did
Speaker 1: major air quotes on that, you guys, major air quote.
Speaker 1: How did they betray you? First of all, this first
Speaker 1: bitch like just ditch me. Okay what what did she look?
Speaker 1: She was just like she just like peaced out for
Speaker 1: no reason. For real. I'm so sorry. You seem awesome. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a great tattoo. Yeah, flatter all right, thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Girl. What's your name? My name is Dominique.
Speaker 1: Dominique over here and what domin did you have that
Speaker 1: you did you feel? Actually? I thought that maybe i'd
Speaker 1: feel liberated, like amongst other people that had bad tattoos.
Speaker 1: But these haven't been bad. I'm just like the air
Speaker 1: tattoos are not that bad at I agree. Mine is
Speaker 1: so horrible. Are you we go? Are you ready? Yes?
Speaker 1: I'm so excited. Okay what do we got? Oh? Boy?
Speaker 1: That is tragic? Okay, what we're looking at? For those
Speaker 1: in the back, it is a cartoon whale that is
Speaker 1: outlined with um black and then it's colored in with
Speaker 1: like an orange. But it looks like just like a
Speaker 1: period stain. Um, it's not good. What what's the origin
Speaker 1: of it? So it's it's fucking whaley bad. It's like
Speaker 1: what it is? What? What's the meaning behind it? Too much? No, no, no, listen.
Speaker 1: Everybody now, of course, wants to think that it's like
Speaker 1: a um, what do you call it? Like a vineyard vines?
Speaker 1: Like it does look like vineyard vine. I'm not white
Speaker 1: enough for that, so I promise you. And it's right
Speaker 1: next to where your vines are coming down a little. Oh,
Speaker 1: I know, I know. I have never wanted to not
Speaker 1: save the whales so much. After seeing that tattoo, I
Speaker 1: think we should. We should whale them all. I was
Speaker 1: thinking of how you kill a whale, and it's just
Speaker 1: called whaling. Definitely not as firm whale. I'll tell you
Speaker 1: that whale bad decisions, wali bad. Thank you so much, girl.
Speaker 1: That was truly terrible. Okay, what do you got what's
Speaker 1: your name? Megan? Okay, Megan? Megan is showing us a
Speaker 1: tattoo on her thigh. What do we got here? I
Speaker 1: have three? Oh, you have three? I was sorry that
Speaker 1: one's great. I didn't mean to say that one was
Speaker 1: the bad one. That one's awesome. That just looks like
Speaker 1: a bruise, like a three week old bruise. Oh, you
Speaker 1: have a hot dog on your hip? But why that? Um?
Speaker 1: I went on a road trip with my cousin across
Speaker 1: America find America's best hot dog. So I decided to
Speaker 1: get a hot tattoo. I kind of like that. Is that?
Speaker 1: And you have a chicken nugget on your heel that
Speaker 1: has a face on it. It It looks like meat? What from?
Speaker 1: Who's doing these tattoos? What's it called? You know? Aquitine?
Speaker 1: Thank you? And it looks like meat? One? Um, did
Speaker 1: you find the best hot dog? Um? No, we didn't,
Speaker 1: So I'm glad you commemorated that trip with that. Did
Speaker 1: your cousin die or something like? Is there some reason
Speaker 1: that you got that? No? I just like getting stupid
Speaker 1: tattoos because I think it's funny. What's the next one?
Speaker 1: I have doing a a live podcast on Nextool. Wait,
Speaker 1: you got a bottom of your foot? I wanted to
Speaker 1: do the bottom of your foot, But you have a
Speaker 1: hairy toe that does not look like a hairy toe.
Speaker 1: That looks like Um. When I went to rehab one
Speaker 1: of my friends, and there was a tattoo artist rehab
Speaker 1: bottom of I love it. Congrats on being are you
Speaker 1: still recovered? You're literally the only sober person who's been
Speaker 1: up here today. So thank you for that. Literally my
Speaker 1: favorite Oh my god, thank you. So don't please don't
Speaker 1: say that into the she's literally my favorite comedian. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, that's so cool. Thank you, babe, You're so sweet.
Speaker 1: I love that. Wait, did the bottom of your foot
Speaker 1: really hurt? It was awful? Okay, here we go, Come on, Andrew,
Speaker 1: are you still know he's not? You know? All right? Okay?
Speaker 1: What's her name? Maria? Mariah has fuck off written inside
Speaker 1: her lip? Bottom lip? I love how you have, Like
Speaker 1: that's amazing. I like that you have very church energy.
Speaker 1: And then it's like, yeah, you have like soaking energy,
Speaker 1: and it's like, fuck you bitch. I hate my priest.
Speaker 1: I was eighteen. It was a super trend. It was
Speaker 1: supposed to disappear over time and it was between this
Speaker 1: or coume dumpsters. Wait, your lips were too small for
Speaker 1: cume dumps. I love it. How when do you break
Speaker 1: that out? Like? Did you when do you surprise people
Speaker 1: with that? Is there? Ever been a good time where
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my gosh, this is the perfect opportunity
Speaker 1: for me to pull down my lip. Right now, right now,
Speaker 1: this is the best time ever, because you were the
Speaker 1: one that like you were over there and I was
Speaker 1: kind of making eye contact with you through the whole thing,
Speaker 1: because you've just been like very encouraging, like stage mom,
Speaker 1: like smile, Nikki, sit up straight, You've got this. This
Speaker 1: isn't as bad as it feels. And then when you
Speaker 1: when I asked about the bat tattoos, I just saw
Speaker 1: you just kind of go is my time I have
Speaker 1: been called? Like it was just I'm so glad you
Speaker 1: got this time to shine. Oh good, thank you off
Speaker 1: just getting just getting it's a joke, like I don't
Speaker 1: know I left in the show, but we have a
Speaker 1: long line and I want to get to all these people. Okay,
Speaker 1: my name is Ali. I'm from Ohio. Okay, Ali, what's
Speaker 1: your bad tattoo? So my bad tattoo is literally the
Speaker 1: word Ohio. It's the Ohio and my parents I thought
Speaker 1: they were going to be really excited about it, and
Speaker 1: I was like, guys, it's my birthday. I got this tattoo,
Speaker 1: Like I love going to school here, and they're like, sweetie,
Speaker 1: that's fucking stupid. Should I get My mom was like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get Illinois and my dad was like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get Indiana. I'm gonna get Michigan. They're like making
Speaker 1: fun of the surrounding escape. Um I like it. It's
Speaker 1: a I don't hate it, and and I kind of
Speaker 1: like Ohio was always like oh Hi, Like you can
Speaker 1: just think of it as like whenever someone sees that
Speaker 1: you can I don't know what you can do with that.
Speaker 1: But um, so you're still from Ohio. Do you feel
Speaker 1: like you can't leave now because of that tattoo? Actually so,
Speaker 1: I've lived in Texas and Colorado since then, So it
Speaker 1: makes it even worse because people are like, why the
Speaker 1: fun do you have that on you? And I also
Speaker 1: got it on the day of my birthday party and
Speaker 1: I was wearing a dress and a thong and I
Speaker 1: didn't realize where it was and everyone's like, I want
Speaker 1: to see your tattoo. So I showed everyone at my
Speaker 1: party in my ass, including my brother and all of
Speaker 1: his friends. Very Ohio of you. Okay, thank you so much. Ah,
Speaker 1: you can go where ever you want. Hunt just don't
Speaker 1: hurt yourself or just maybe just fall direct me on
Speaker 1: that tattoo and have to have it. Like, I don't
Speaker 1: know how much time we have lived, but I want
Speaker 1: to keep going. Let's get as many as we can.
Speaker 1: We have five minutes. Okay, great, because this is the guy.
Speaker 1: I want to get to it. Just okay, but I
Speaker 1: can't wait. Let me talk about this girl. She's the
Speaker 1: friends um like the door thing, the friends door hanger.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's good. I like that. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: She's got a lot of great ones. Okay, what is
Speaker 1: your worst one? Marilyn Monroe signature? Oh god, what an icon?
Speaker 1: When did you do that? How old are you? I
Speaker 1: was twenty? And do you just like relate to her
Speaker 1: that you're both going to die of like overdose on pills? Yeah,
Speaker 1: just like a spici is over drunken overdose. And then
Speaker 1: also I have um oh you were bleeding bleeding, but
Speaker 1: also matching tattoo for my eighteen year old boyfriend. It's
Speaker 1: a Chinese symbol. What is that form? Symbol for love?
Speaker 1: Japanese symbol for love? And are you still with him? Uh? No?
Speaker 1: Does he still have it? You think? Uh? He still
Speaker 1: has it. Yeah, he still has it well, and that's
Speaker 1: not so bad. What did you say on your arm? There?
Speaker 1: What's the other one? Love her, believe her wild? Like
Speaker 1: love her but leave her wild? What is that from? Um? Oh,
Speaker 1: I guess it's just like from like my friend's handwriting. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she at it. Oh that's good handwriting. She should have
Speaker 1: written Marilyn mon Rose signature too, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Those are terrible. All right, I'm kidding. All right, what's
Speaker 1: her name? I'm Jesse, Hi Jess. You're a first dude?
Speaker 1: What is um? I guess guys don't admit they have
Speaker 1: bad tattoos as much as women. We've got a couple
Speaker 1: of guys in the line. Um, you have so many
Speaker 1: tattoos you're nearly like, yeah, mostly tattoos. What which one
Speaker 1: is your one you regret the most? All of them? Really?
Speaker 1: All of them? Are you pulling ap Pete Davidson and
Speaker 1: want to get them removed? No, I'm not as bad
Speaker 1: as okay, yeah, yeah, he's only fucking Kim Kardashian. Now
Speaker 1: it's uh, it's what a terrible life. Okay, So tell
Speaker 1: me what are you going to your what's your worst one? Well,
Speaker 1: let's where do I start. Let's see, this is a
Speaker 1: low shelf vodka simbol, covering up a burning church, covering
Speaker 1: up a burning church. Hurt you? Who hurt you? I
Speaker 1: was drinking the low shelf vodka. You have a vodka
Speaker 1: able on your arm. They didn't pay you anything, there
Speaker 1: was no endorsement deal. Okay. What's on your neck? That's
Speaker 1: a phoenix feather in a bottle? Why do you have
Speaker 1: a phoenix feather in a bottle? Uh? And and there's
Speaker 1: water in the bottle? What? Why is what's the symbolism
Speaker 1: of that? It's a magic potion brings you back to life,
Speaker 1: says I'll never have enough money to buy a house.
Speaker 1: Maybe not you. A Pacman on your foot? That one's
Speaker 1: the coolest I would say I got. I got it
Speaker 1: as payment for driving a bus boy home from the
Speaker 1: Olive garden. Okay, it's on me, dude, I don't need anything.
Speaker 1: Maybe take an Andy's mint or something that he had
Speaker 1: in his glove combarbment. Okay, thank you so much. Those
Speaker 1: were terrible. Good luck to you. I got a Pacman
Speaker 1: tattoo because I drove a bus boy home from olive Garden. Yes,
Speaker 1: I mean I think, I think I would have went
Speaker 1: with the bread sticks. All right, what do we got? Right?
Speaker 1: What's next? So I got all right, I got a
Speaker 1: lotus flower. But it kind of looks like a ball sack.
Speaker 1: Why that looks exactly like a ball sack. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: take a picture of it so we can insert it.
Speaker 1: And what is that? It's like a little squirren them
Speaker 1: everyone that it showed us our tattoos. We need to
Speaker 1: get a photo of it. Okay, that's a ball sack
Speaker 1: for sure. And it's this two. Did you run a marathon?
Speaker 1: I did? Okay one time. Did you just put that
Speaker 1: on there to make up for the fact that it
Speaker 1: looked like a ball sack and just changed the tattoo?
Speaker 1: And I was eighteen? I was like, well, this was
Speaker 1: significant in my life? Was Twicey's going to just the
Speaker 1: age at which you knew you were going to regret
Speaker 1: doing that? That shows a prediction came away before them. Um,
Speaker 1: the rest of your tattoos are pretty good though. From
Speaker 1: there when you I just want to know, though, you guys,
Speaker 1: this looks so much like a ball sack, it's insane.
Speaker 1: When you were getting it done, was it was it
Speaker 1: a lot like getting a haircut at like great clips
Speaker 1: or supers? Where you go? I love it? Like, did
Speaker 1: you have to lie to the tattoo artists? Did you
Speaker 1: know right away? When did you know it was a
Speaker 1: ball sack? Two years later somebody pointed it out, and
Speaker 1: now you just can't see it, and I'm like, it's
Speaker 1: fun now, It's so no one was honest with you
Speaker 1: enough about it at first because everyone thought it everyone did.
Speaker 1: People want to see your ball? Want everyone wants to
Speaker 1: see it. It's hard to see. You gotta we'll post
Speaker 1: a picture of it. They're tiny little balls. The girl
Speaker 1: who's up next? Okay? Are you the one with the
Speaker 1: friends door thing? Definitely have no friends. We have no friends. Okay,
Speaker 1: what do you have? So we cannot see it? But
Speaker 1: I have shooting stars on my boobs. I was sixteen
Speaker 1: on acid and I thought it was a great idea
Speaker 1: to get tattooeds. Wait, how did you get tattoos at sixteen?
Speaker 1: Did you have You didn't have parents that were very
Speaker 1: involved in your life either. But my twelve year old tattoo,
Speaker 1: which is a lizard, my dad was to tell me,
Speaker 1: just like this, let me see the lizard. Andrews scared
Speaker 1: of lizards and this might make it worse. Oh, it
Speaker 1: looks like the number eight. Yeah, okay, Um, what was
Speaker 1: I gonna ask you? Oh? You also have had I
Speaker 1: can see you've had your ears gauged before, and you've
Speaker 1: taken them out so they look like a little bit baggy.
Speaker 1: So I've always wondered why people do that, not knowing
Speaker 1: like there's gonna be a time when you take it
Speaker 1: out and it's gonna be this like kind of gaping hole.
Speaker 1: How do you feel about those? You're trying to figure
Speaker 1: out what your personality is. Yes, you didn't have an identity,
Speaker 1: and now your identity is what I still don't know.
Speaker 1: I still don't know. Well, it's you guys just looking
Speaker 1: for an identity. If anyone wants to give her one.
Speaker 1: I like dogs. She likes dogs. That makes her unique?
Speaker 1: Who doesn't? Who hate? Everyone hates dogs? That's truly different. Okay,
Speaker 1: cool girl, Thank you so much. I like that you
Speaker 1: have perspective on your tattoos. That's that's actually an identity
Speaker 1: and a fantastic ass as you walk away. I mean,
Speaker 1: that is award winning Jesus Christ. Hello, I'm Dino from Seattle.
Speaker 1: From Seattle, I've never seen a dino look more like
Speaker 1: a dino? Whatever? Can't see this? Okay, yeah he's this
Speaker 1: guy's grandpa owned a pizza shop, guaranteed. Okay, alright, where's
Speaker 1: your tattoo? And what is it? It's on my right
Speaker 1: butt cheek. It's from my first job at a taco
Speaker 1: shop called Taco Time in Seattle. And oh my god,
Speaker 1: you guys, it is a faded cactus, green cactus with
Speaker 1: sunglasses on. Yeah, I found. Do you warn women about
Speaker 1: that before they get intimate with you, much like you
Speaker 1: would be disclosing herpes or something. Do you go and
Speaker 1: wait a second before we get to know each other intimately.
Speaker 1: I need to tell you something before I go down
Speaker 1: on you. You have to know that I have a
Speaker 1: cactus tattoo on my ass. Yes. Do you regret it? No,
Speaker 1: not at all. It's kind of funny, and it's buried
Speaker 1: beneath so much hair it's barely perceptible. I still eat there.
Speaker 1: I still love it. So I thought you were talking
Speaker 1: about your ass. I was like, I wouldn't eat there.
Speaker 1: Uh well, thank you so much from Seattle. Appreciate it. Yes,
Speaker 1: what an ass? What an ass? Oh my god? This
Speaker 1: is like so fun should do a whole podcast about this.
Speaker 1: I mean, I mean, I guess that's what this is
Speaker 1: turning into. Hello, Hello Rachel from Ohio. Rachel, Ohio? Do
Speaker 1: you have Ohio tattooed on you? I don't, but um,
Speaker 1: the tattoo itself isn't bad, but the content behind it is. Oh,
Speaker 1: this is deep. Yeah, it is the guy I thought
Speaker 1: was my dad I had tattooed on my back because
Speaker 1: he passed away. Turns out he's not my dad. My
Speaker 1: are not the father. Everyone stand up, you are not
Speaker 1: the father she has in loving memory. And then Kenneth
Speaker 1: l uh full of shitto. Your your back looks like
Speaker 1: the back of a car that is of a certain
Speaker 1: ethnicity that drives around with people's Uh you know when?
Speaker 1: How did you find out? So? Probably about three years ago.
Speaker 1: My husband's aunt actually did the um genie uh test, Yes,
Speaker 1: thank you. Turns out he's not my dad. So who
Speaker 1: is your dad? Who? Yeah? Well I just met him.
Speaker 1: So oh my god. I feel like that's an identity
Speaker 1: if you want, if someone wants that one. Um, that's so,
Speaker 1: what do you tell? What do you do about it? Now?
Speaker 1: Are you gonna get it removed? Or it's just a
Speaker 1: good story. I guess I think that's actually better than
Speaker 1: just my dad died. It is just a good story.
Speaker 1: And were you so excited like when, because it's sad
Speaker 1: when your dad dies, but then when you find out
Speaker 1: he wasn't your dad, or you're just like all right, well,
Speaker 1: I guess I'm not that sad anymore. Basically, was he
Speaker 1: a good guy? I guess so. Well, you you put
Speaker 1: his you put his name on your back. Yeah, why
Speaker 1: did you do that if you didn't know him? Well,
Speaker 1: so he passed away before I was born. My mom
Speaker 1: was pregnant with me before I was born. Oh, you
Speaker 1: cute thing. Oh my god, I love it. I also
Speaker 1: thought that you everyone here has braces. I'm not joking.
Speaker 1: You either in visiline or braces. This is how are
Speaker 1: adult braces going for you? And you're the real ones?
Speaker 1: You have clear wire six months away from getting a mop.
Speaker 1: So girl, Oh my god, I'm a little You're so
Speaker 1: cute of him. Will you find your real dad's Oh
Speaker 1: you already found him? Yes, I hope he doesn't. He
Speaker 1: never dies, even though you know we're all mortal. Okay,
Speaker 1: thank you, We are going to do two more. And
Speaker 1: then were sorry I implore you if tonight, if you
Speaker 1: want to come to my show at eight o'clock, please
Speaker 1: come to that. Also, I'll be doing like if you
Speaker 1: If you're I know you're gonna be all drunk and
Speaker 1: very tired at the end of the day. But um,
Speaker 1: at ten o'clock. At ten o'clock, uh, there ish a
Speaker 1: goddamn comedy jam on the beach and on the stage
Speaker 1: there if it's not raining, and that is such a
Speaker 1: fun show. You can just dance and like we're gonna
Speaker 1: watch us sing and I'm gonna be singing a Taylor
Speaker 1: Swift songs. So I hope you can come to that,
Speaker 1: which is definitely the tattoo I would get, Hey girl,
Speaker 1: what what um? What tattoo do you hate about that
Speaker 1: you have? I don't think anyone can beat that's not
Speaker 1: my dad tattoo. Honestly, that's has to be the worst
Speaker 1: tattoo in history. But I had someone try out a
Speaker 1: color on me at one point, and so they just
Speaker 1: did whatever they wanted and they did this. But I
Speaker 1: also could say that I also have a butt or
Speaker 1: fly you have on your ass. I love it. That's
Speaker 1: cute and that's fun. But why would you let someone
Speaker 1: try out a color on you? Why not? I think
Speaker 1: you also had an absent father. If I'm just kidding,
Speaker 1: you may not. Actually no, he's very much around. But
Speaker 1: his name is Lanman. That's oh yeah, that's I'd rather
Speaker 1: have a cactus with sunglasses than that name on me. Okay, uh, well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. That's yeah, that's actually terrible. By girl.
Speaker 1: You have a little sun tanlition on your ass crack,
Speaker 1: But it's all good. You got a great butt. Hello,
Speaker 1: what's up? Why do you have a nose mask? What's
Speaker 1: your name? Sir? J C? J j C from Canada?
Speaker 1: J C from Canada? Oh my god, everyone loves jac
Speaker 1: from Canada. First of all, how long have you been
Speaker 1: in can you are so red? How long have you
Speaker 1: been here? No, dude, this is a Canadian tan. But
Speaker 1: my bad, but my bed I apologize. I I didn't
Speaker 1: realize any all right, Okay, what's your terrible tattoo? Okay,
Speaker 1: so Nikki, we that's my daughter there. We once had
Speaker 1: a dog that we love this dog so much, and
Speaker 1: the dog passed away a few years ago, and I
Speaker 1: never wanted to forget the dogs, so I wanted to
Speaker 1: get a tattoo to help me remember the dog for
Speaker 1: the rest of my life, because your memory is definitely
Speaker 1: not gonna stick around that long. So so I go
Speaker 1: to the place I don't know what I want, so
Speaker 1: I get a dog bone, because you know, dogs your
Speaker 1: dog bones, and I get a dogbone tattooed on my legs.
Speaker 1: So a few weeks later, I'm in the hockey dressing
Speaker 1: room and the guy says to me, j C. Why
Speaker 1: do you have a cock and balls tattooed on your leg?
Speaker 1: You guys, it is a dog bone, but if you
Speaker 1: cover one of the ends, it looks like a penis.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, and your dog used to lick yours,
Speaker 1: so that does remind you of him. Anyway, I missed
Speaker 1: that part, was there ball looking there? Don't worry about it,
Speaker 1: It's just true. Um, thank you so much. Thank you.
Speaker 1: You put a little maple syrup on there. The dog
Speaker 1: all right? We can't get to you guys. Thank you.
Speaker 1: I'm want to see your terrible do this later on. UM,
Speaker 1: thank you so much to everyone who is you. Final thought,
Speaker 1: this was incredible. It was as as bad and good
Speaker 1: as I thought it would be. You guys are chaotic.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us. Have so much
Speaker 1: fun on this vacation. You deserve it and don't be
Speaker 1: caught and jack off on their kits. Thank you, I'm
Speaker 1: y out, I got spray tan and chair. I apologize
Speaker 1: to the resort for the spray tan I'm leaving behind.