Speaker 1: Does not really exist anymore, because I'm like, if I
Speaker 1: want to be in that space, I will make the
Speaker 1: time to be there. And if it's not like a fuck,
Speaker 1: yes I want to go to do, then I'm like,
Speaker 1: I love my own company. I'm a good time money,
Speaker 1: I order real good food.
Speaker 2: I have really good taste in TV shows.
Speaker 1: You know what we do here destroy shame around sex
Speaker 1: by talking about sex.
Speaker 2: Now, let me tell you something messy.
Speaker 1: This might actually not have anything to do with sex,
Speaker 1: but it is messy to me, and I do want
Speaker 1: to discuss it, and I would like for y'all to
Speaker 1: discuss it among your people. And if you are a
Speaker 1: restaurant tour, I would really like you to go to
Speaker 1: the other restaurant tours and talk about this. As you
Speaker 1: can tell, I'm about to talk about restaurants, which is
Speaker 1: a restaurant with only one bathroom should be a crime.
Speaker 2: That shit should be how.
Speaker 1: Y'all got Ooh, I'm gonna get how y'all got forty
Speaker 1: motherfuckers in this fucking place and only one bathroom? I
Speaker 1: was in I remember I was in San Francisco not
Speaker 1: too long ago, and the person I was with was
Speaker 1: telling me, oh, you know the buildings are old, so
Speaker 1: the restaurants only have one bathroom. Baby, there were people
Speaker 1: upon people upon people upon people in this Mexican restaurant.
Speaker 2: By the way, we.
Speaker 1: Eat Mexican people eating beans, baby, people eating beans and cheese.
Speaker 1: And I don't trust everybody to know or respect the
Speaker 1: fact that they're lactose intolerant.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And you only got one motherfucking bathroom. All it takes
Speaker 1: is for all it takes. All it takes is for
Speaker 1: one motherfucker who's lactose intolerant. One motherfucker who has a
Speaker 1: bean allergy. I am that motherfucker. I'm allergic to beans.
Speaker 1: All it takes is one and that bathroom is wrapped
Speaker 1: for the night.
Speaker 2: Night.
Speaker 1: I am so confused. You should not be allowed to
Speaker 1: open a restaurant with one bathroom. If you're a cafe,
Speaker 1: a fine, because we in and out Starbucks. If Starbucks
Speaker 1: have one bathroom, I'm okay with that. There are Starbucks
Speaker 1: that got two, three, four bathrooms. So why can't the
Speaker 1: little French restaurant, the Mexican restaurant, the Caribbean restaurant, the
Speaker 1: American resert.
Speaker 2: Why can't y'all restaurant tours.
Speaker 1: When when you are mapping out, when you got the
Speaker 1: blueprint the architecture, and y'all are gone the architect and
Speaker 1: y'all are going through. What is you know what's gonna be?
Speaker 1: The kitchen's gonna be over here and hope here. It's
Speaker 1: gonna be like the bar extra and it's gonna be
Speaker 1: the outside patio. Why do y'all only are y'all saving.
Speaker 2: Money with the one bathroom?
Speaker 1: What's going on? Is it too much water? Is the
Speaker 1: water the water built too high? If you have multiple bathrooms,
Speaker 1: you want too many people flushing? Are you conserving water?
Speaker 1: Is it for the environment? Why is there one bathroom?
Speaker 1: And the other piece that I want to say about
Speaker 1: this for those of you who got one bathroom and
Speaker 1: for those of you who got multiple bathroom, if y'all.
Speaker 2: Don't put the vacant and occupied.
Speaker 1: Little sign on the thing, because here I am in
Speaker 1: the bathroom line. The music is blasting, people are talking,
Speaker 1: you know, plate to being broken, and I'm knocking on
Speaker 1: the door, but I can't hear the person go somebody's
Speaker 1: in here because it's too loud. You know what would
Speaker 1: be helpful to see that vacant doorknob sign or that
Speaker 1: occupied sign here. I am just like you know, crunching
Speaker 1: down on these these these doorknobs, giving somebody inside a
Speaker 1: heart attack because who knows what they're doing there, And
Speaker 1: that's their business, you know what I'm saying, that's their business.
Speaker 1: Their pants might be all the way down, they might be,
Speaker 1: they might be, you know, exerc and by exercising, I
Speaker 1: mean an exorcism of that, you know, that turd because
Speaker 1: they might have had them beans and they need that
Speaker 1: occupied sign. That's all I want to say. That's all
Speaker 1: I wanna say. Restaurant tours, get your shit together. It
Speaker 1: should be illegal for you to have one bathroom. And
Speaker 1: I know I know some of y'all in your car
Speaker 1: or wherever you are listening to this on the subway,
Speaker 1: in your house listening to this being like, what are
Speaker 1: we talking about?
Speaker 2: Or or you understand what I'm talking about?
Speaker 1: Okay, And this is why, and this is why you
Speaker 1: should look at home by the way walking into the show,
Speaker 1: this is telling me something messy. My name, I'm your host, FRIANDICR.
Speaker 2: Good Man.
Speaker 1: Some people call me a messy mom. Other people call
Speaker 1: me a restaurant activist. Okay, a bathroom. A bathroom avist.
Speaker 1: That's yeah, that yes, a bathroom avest. There we go, period.
Speaker 2: I'm the new Gordon Ramsey, motherfucker.
Speaker 1: I'm coming through to fix your fucking restaurants and add
Speaker 1: more bathrooms.
Speaker 2: Actually, that might be a good show we should do.
Speaker 1: They should do a reboot of whatever that show is
Speaker 1: that he was doing when he was going around fix
Speaker 1: people's restaurants. But it'll be me, messy mom, and I'm
Speaker 1: just there to make.
Speaker 2: Sure y'all got enough bathrooms.
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck if the food is good,
Speaker 1: I just want to I'm gonna be like, Okay, if
Speaker 1: y'all are serving that much cheese in this restaurant, y'all
Speaker 1: have to have at least four bathrooms.
Speaker 2: Period. Okay, Okay, that's that's all I say. Ayway smoking
Speaker 2: to the show. What's next? Baby? You know what that means?
Speaker 2: It is time for a guest.
Speaker 1: Now, while they get situated, we'll get our messy key
Speaker 1: Key started with a how matter of fest stow repeat
Speaker 1: after me aloud or in your head. Grant me the
Speaker 1: serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the
Speaker 1: wisdom to that sex is not just about penetration, the
Speaker 1: audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength
Speaker 1: to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,
Speaker 1: or fuck bay, for it is better to masturbate by
Speaker 1: myself in peace than to let someone play in my
Speaker 1: motherfucking face. Let the community say, oh helujah, I am
Speaker 1: so excited to have Griff Stark ns on the show.
Speaker 1: Griff is an actor, host, and model based in West.
Speaker 2: Hollywood, California. Griff currently leads the queer driven.
Speaker 1: Short film This Is for You, and will be making
Speaker 1: his comedic debut in gasper Cello's upcoming success Starts Here.
Speaker 1: Griff has been the face of several global commercial campaigns,
Speaker 1: most notably for Apple, and has shot fashion campaigns that
Speaker 1: have been featured in outlets including Vogue and GQ. He
Speaker 1: is a proud alum of Boston College as well as
Speaker 1: the Boston Consulting Group. You can find Griff pretending to
Speaker 1: do work on his family's farm in the Thousand Islands
Speaker 1: or dashing around Los Angeles in his beloved crocs. Y'all
Speaker 1: please help me. Welcome Griff, Hey, Grif, Hello, Hello?
Speaker 3: Are you?
Speaker 2: I'm good? How are you? You know what today's we record?
Speaker 1: Whenever anyone asks me that, I like to be as
Speaker 1: honest as possible. I already told you off, Mike, but
Speaker 1: I'm a little low energy, so I'm gonna really lean
Speaker 1: on you.
Speaker 2: Okay, you're gonna.
Speaker 1: Host today's episode, perfect, I'd tell me something messy with
Speaker 1: Griff starctis today.
Speaker 2: I will be the guests.
Speaker 1: Well, actually, before we get started, let me give you
Speaker 1: our messy kiky mandates.
Speaker 2: Does that work? Yeah? Okay? Cool?
Speaker 1: So things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinions
Speaker 1: shared have the right to evolve, shift, or change today
Speaker 1: tomorrow or ten years som now. And if during the
Speaker 1: kiki something feels too personal or unintentionally offends, we use
Speaker 1: the safe word foosball, which gives a chance for us
Speaker 1: to pause or address and pivot accordingly.
Speaker 2: Wow, I love the like laws of it all.
Speaker 1: Yes, we have a little it's the mandates, you know.
Speaker 1: We like to keep a little framework, stay safe and
Speaker 1: open hearted, and a safe work. Fo balls is safe
Speaker 1: for It's like you're like, oh, foosball, Oh we will stop.
Speaker 2: I'm actually pretty good at foosball, t are you? I?
Speaker 1: When I started to show, I didn't know foosball's a
Speaker 1: word that.
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I don't know what that means,
Speaker 2: and you're just screaming at all the streaming, So that's
Speaker 2: gonna be the same word. Shall we start with the
Speaker 2: loupe breaker? Yes, beautiful, Okay, So we're gonna play a game.
Speaker 1: Of smash or pass, smash your past like this, smash
Speaker 1: your pass musk, which I have to say, musk, not
Speaker 1: must must musk. Musk is just like it's it's the smell,
Speaker 1: but it's not the sour smell. It's just like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's your natural smell.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and sometimes it be natural, sometimes it be natural.
Speaker 2: I I am gonna have to oh, man, there's a
Speaker 2: for me.
Speaker 3: There's a fine intersection between it being like hot and
Speaker 3: sexy and just like natural, I'm smelling you at your
Speaker 3: primal self. And then especially in workout classes, it is it's.
Speaker 2: Just a little work. I just want to work out
Speaker 2: on the fuck that's yeah. Yeah, yeah, So I'm gonna
Speaker 2: say I'll say smash yep or what's it like, a
Speaker 2: smash pass, a smass, A.
Speaker 3: Smass where it's like, reminds me of the words you
Speaker 3: mentioned on Katya's episode Magma.
Speaker 1: Magma Geez, I'm a I'm a I'm also a smass
Speaker 1: because it is like a it is a fine line
Speaker 1: where like the musk and turn musty. So so to me,
Speaker 1: it's like if you were somebody who like doesn't like
Speaker 1: to shower, and then you had all day not showering,
Speaker 1: and then it's the evening that's gonna be must and
Speaker 1: I don't want that. If you're regularly showers like you
Speaker 1: usually like a shout in the morning, and then like
Speaker 1: you whatever, and now it's like five o'clock, that's probably
Speaker 1: gonna be a little muskier.
Speaker 2: That's nice. Also depending on what your job is.
Speaker 3: Because totally perhaps you're setting off, but you're probably gonna
Speaker 3: be muskier and I'm into that.
Speaker 2: Or if you just worked out. Also, if I just
Speaker 2: worked out, yeah, I'm cool with that. That's a good point.
Speaker 3: Like if I'm bringing the same level of yes, then
Speaker 3: that it makes sense right absolutely. Post Barr's boot Camp,
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: The dance floor, like if we've been dancing and sweating,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I will smell your pits. You like
Speaker 1: to dance, I do, Like I love to be on
Speaker 1: the dance floor. I love that, and I love to make.
Speaker 2: Out on dance floor I love. I also on the
Speaker 2: dance for WHOA, how did that go? It was great?
Speaker 1: I was lovely, it was wonderful. I actually was just
Speaker 1: at a party, uh not too long ago. My friend
Speaker 1: and I every return people were fucking on the name
Speaker 1: Wow get it applausa everyone.
Speaker 2: I think, yes, I think, yes, that's my statement that
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 3: Yes, I don't love like I'm a very like I
Speaker 3: will be a slut, yeah, but I think at this
Speaker 3: point in my life I need a little privacy. So
Speaker 3: like the dance floor isn't necessarily even for making out
Speaker 3: like my forte. It's just like the being looked at.
Speaker 1: I guess yeah, the voyeurism of it all may not
Speaker 1: be fe feel good because when I want to be
Speaker 1: looked at, I know how to be looked at.
Speaker 3: I mean, I talk about it, but I think for
Speaker 3: that maybe I'll grow into it. But let's get me
Speaker 3: behind closed doors and you'll see me at my best. Oh.
Speaker 1: I love that one on one is a vibe. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I always say that, like I am able to be
Speaker 1: my sluttiest in public when I feel most connected in private.
Speaker 1: So like, if I like my connections, my private connections
Speaker 1: are doing well and the emotional connection is there.
Speaker 2: That I'm really able to be the biggest slut in
Speaker 2: a public space.
Speaker 1: If my like private emotional connections aren't well and that's
Speaker 1: romantic platonic, they're like not, then like I my dick
Speaker 1: is soft, I don't want.
Speaker 2: To do it. That's interesting because some of my and
Speaker 2: who are the sluttiest in public have very stable personal
Speaker 2: and like home romantic lives or sex lives. So that's
Speaker 2: a really interesting that makes sense.
Speaker 1: Yeah, at the end of the day, we're all not
Speaker 1: we're all, but a lot of us are much more
Speaker 1: emotional than you want to say you are.
Speaker 2: Okay, smash your paths.
Speaker 3: Anal beads, Oh, I've never experienced them, like with someone
Speaker 3: or myself.
Speaker 2: So what's the purpose of them?
Speaker 1: Well, an, I mean purpose wise, I mean I think
Speaker 1: it's like another version of a butt plug, other version
Speaker 1: of a dildo. But I feel like because they're like
Speaker 1: they're beaded, it's a it's a different sensation.
Speaker 3: Because it like it like has like little pulses as
Speaker 3: they're like yeah, I can see, I can see.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: They remind me.
Speaker 1: They remind me of those like click on bracelets that
Speaker 1: I had as a kid. Those charts like the snap
Speaker 1: bracelets kind of you know what.
Speaker 3: I'll send you a picture because it's it's clear in
Speaker 3: my head, it's probably not clear for anyone listening, but
Speaker 3: very similar beads. As a kid, that's a problematic.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, because I like you remember, like there's
Speaker 1: like those bracelets that have like the big massive beads.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Ye, and they just like connected connect. So I'm
Speaker 2: going to I'm just gonna I'll say, pass for it
Speaker 2: now for now. It's not it forever. It's not forever. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, I heard your mandates at the beginning, A
Speaker 2: pass for now, show me, show me somebody, show Griffin
Speaker 2: see how they work.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I I'm a pass on an anal bead. It's
Speaker 1: not my favorite sensation. I'm fine with it, but there
Speaker 1: are other sensations that I prefer more. It's not my favorite.
Speaker 1: So it's a it's it's it's not it's not a
Speaker 1: pass like I'll never but it's not like I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, absolutely, that's a smash you.
Speaker 3: Had mentioned on an episode before that, like, and I
Speaker 3: totally agree. And I don't know if it's changed then
Speaker 3: you recorded that one. But if I'm prepped and ready
Speaker 3: to be playing with my ass. Yeah for like a dildo,
Speaker 3: anal beads, a plug, a plug. I need to like
Speaker 3: start experimenting with more. Sure, I think that'll help me
Speaker 3: kind of uh train myself a little bit better.
Speaker 2: I would rather, though, just have a dick around.
Speaker 3: So for me anal beads or dildos or anything that
Speaker 3: is not human connected. It's like I'd probably be entertained
Speaker 3: by it for a few minutes and then I'd be
Speaker 3: like horny.
Speaker 2: For for the dick. For the dick.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I prefer toys with a partner because then I'm like,
Speaker 1: play with me with the toys and then give me
Speaker 1: the dick total vice versus or like, you know, we
Speaker 1: can switch out.
Speaker 2: But if I've done all that clean out and I
Speaker 2: just have my I have.
Speaker 1: A friend who loves his toys, yeah, like and like
Speaker 1: can spend the whole night on the toys and be
Speaker 1: happy and satisfied. And I've just never been that girl.
Speaker 1: I'm like, if I just cleaned out my whole for
Speaker 1: like an hour in that back, like, I need the
Speaker 1: dick attech. I want I want the dick, I want
Speaker 1: the picks, I want the booty I want the thighs.
Speaker 2: I want it all on me. It's called ROI return
Speaker 2: on investment. Thank you, thank you. Oh and if you're
Speaker 2: prepping for an hour.
Speaker 1: I'm this is so interesting because some people do take
Speaker 1: it like twenty thirty minutes and others of us.
Speaker 2: Are like an hour.
Speaker 1: And I've talked two different people and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not alone. There are some of us who really are.
Speaker 1: Like I've pooped several times a day all day, got
Speaker 1: the green juices, the fibers, yeah, all of it.
Speaker 2: And it's still it's just spilogy. It's just what it is.
Speaker 1: And I you know, and now I know, like I
Speaker 1: now I have this thing where like I know when
Speaker 1: it's when that's gonna happen, and I also know when
Speaker 1: like yep, we're not we're not bottoming something. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: like just like they feel that. Yeah, there's a power
Speaker 1: in knowing your body like that. I will say I
Speaker 1: completely agree.
Speaker 3: Like I think stepping into my queerness, which you know,
Speaker 3: led me to stepping into queer sex, yeah because of
Speaker 3: what you just said, Like to be able to take
Speaker 3: a dick up your ass, Yeah, to engage in anal sex,
Speaker 3: you just have to be a little bit more connected
Speaker 3: with what you're feeling, like being able to do it
Speaker 3: in general. And it just makes me feel very connected
Speaker 3: to my body to say, and I think I think
Speaker 3: I'm better for it.
Speaker 2: I think I am too.
Speaker 1: I wasn't expecting to like learning how to douche really
Speaker 1: then like set off this whole thing about like what
Speaker 1: is my body doing in general?
Speaker 2: And the way that I changed to.
Speaker 1: Talk think about taking care of my body has changed
Speaker 1: completely and I'm just so aware of everything little absolutely,
Speaker 1: I'm like, let's get that check total is that? You know,
Speaker 1: I'm not like not afraid of the doctor.
Speaker 3: I spent quarantine because you know, I moved to Los
Speaker 3: Angeles in twenty eighteen, had two full years without COVID experience.
Speaker 2: LAM so thankful for that.
Speaker 3: And then during quarantine, I was reflecting on a lot
Speaker 3: of stuff and one of those things was my desire
Speaker 3: to bottom more.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I had been so for my whole life and I'm
Speaker 2: still not a huge fan of it. Poop a verse.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I was like, fuck this, I have I think,
Speaker 3: what's going to be a long time to start getting
Speaker 3: familiar and practice with the douching process. So I spent
Speaker 3: my quarantine practicing how to douche. No one was coming
Speaker 3: over because I was being a good little quarantine boy.
Speaker 3: But I got familiar and I kind of got past
Speaker 3: the at the time, the disgust of like working with
Speaker 3: that area of my body and poop. And it has
Speaker 3: opened up a completely different world.
Speaker 2: For sex for me opened, of course it has. It did. Yeah,
Speaker 2: talk to me nicely to open up even more. But
Speaker 2: very proud of that. I was, like, I was proud
Speaker 2: of that. I watched drag Race.
Speaker 3: I watched season one through whatever current season. There was
Speaker 3: all of it during quarantine.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: And I learned to do so that is the gayest,
Speaker 1: the gayest quarantine ever drag Race douche.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was. I was focused on accomplishments, and I accomplished.
Speaker 2: I love that smash your past swallowing.
Speaker 3: Oh for me, it's a smash because I am not
Speaker 3: engaging in oral sex unless I am very much vibing
Speaker 3: with that person. I'm very particular of who I do
Speaker 3: that with. Ye, So if I'm already doing that, then
Speaker 3: I'm inclined to swallow love.
Speaker 2: It does that make sense? Like I'm not gonna give
Speaker 2: head to just anyone? Tell me what are your criteria
Speaker 2: for somebody who gets ahead from you?
Speaker 3: So it's just it's like an energy thing. Like I'm
Speaker 3: a very kind of charged person and my energy is
Speaker 3: fairly strong, and I love the kind of the dance
Speaker 3: of gay sex and figuring out who's leading, who's following
Speaker 3: ebbs and flows. So for me, it's like if you're
Speaker 3: I mean, ay, if I really love someone, I just
Speaker 3: want all of them. And yeah, that's such a great
Speaker 3: representation of that. Sure, But even just kind of casually,
Speaker 3: it's like, I'm not going to like honor you by
Speaker 3: swallowing your seed if you don't have the masculine like
Speaker 3: or energy that I want to ingest. And I'll say
Speaker 3: energy because I've you know, femininity and masculinity obviously are
Speaker 3: a part of all of us. Yeah, it's just like
Speaker 3: I don't want that part of you in me if
Speaker 3: I don't like buy into what you're giving.
Speaker 2: But you'll but you'll penetrate, you'll still like have penetrative sex, but.
Speaker 3: Just not oral sex or No, that's interesting, No, I
Speaker 3: it kind of applies for both. But yeah, the swallowing
Speaker 3: of it, I'm a little bit more particular with I
Speaker 3: would be for bottoming, which I'm already particular about.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, so wait, I want to unpack this, please,
Speaker 1: I need to unpack it. So if you like them,
Speaker 1: you will, all right, let's say back up. If it's
Speaker 1: just somebody you're attracted to, you're not sure if you
Speaker 1: want to swallow their load, but you're attracted to them, yes, right,
Speaker 1: so they can.
Speaker 2: You can penetrate. I can suck your dick, but I'm
Speaker 2: just not taking your load.
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, I will take your load, whether it's in
Speaker 3: my mouth or my hole, if I actually like you. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's just like that transfer of energy for me means something,
Speaker 3: especially when you're receiving it, Like I think, you know,
Speaker 3: bottoming is just so much more intimate for me. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it makes I think pretty obvious.
Speaker 2: And so if it's just not something I'm buying into,
Speaker 2: I don't want it, what would make.
Speaker 1: But like, okay, what keeps you from buying in? So
Speaker 1: because you're like, I'm attracted to you, You're here, we're
Speaker 1: fucking we're penetrating, but I'm not bought in.
Speaker 2: So what is the thing that makes you buy in?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: How like you like to dance?
Speaker 3: You just said, like when you're on the dance floor
Speaker 3: and you're like kind of going up to people and
Speaker 3: people are going up to you, and then you click
Speaker 3: with someone and it just flows really nicely because that
Speaker 3: person kind of knows they're comfortable with themselves. They might
Speaker 3: not be like like the best, so you think you
Speaker 3: can dance dancer, but they're confident and what they're giving
Speaker 3: and it allows you to kind of just know your
Speaker 3: position with them. It's just it's a confidence thing. It's
Speaker 3: knowing what you're putting out that allows me, especially as
Speaker 3: an actor and someone's a little more sensitive, to just
Speaker 3: understand what my place is with you in this dance
Speaker 3: of it all. So for me it is like, I
Speaker 3: mean there's been femtops, there's been fembottoms, there's been mask tops,
Speaker 3: mask bottoms, Like I just need you to kind of.
Speaker 2: Have that confidence.
Speaker 3: And for me, you are what you are and like
Speaker 3: you know, we're all learning about who we are. Everything evolves,
Speaker 3: but like when you're stepping into like my room, where
Speaker 3: I'm going into your room, I just that that leading
Speaker 3: with confidence really gets me.
Speaker 1: Is the leading with confidence at all? Like do you
Speaker 1: like them to be a little more domb than you?
Speaker 1: Is that whether which has nothing but feminine, the energy
Speaker 1: is a little more dumb and.
Speaker 2: Sub is that for sure?
Speaker 3: Okay, It's like, especially if I'm bottoming or swallowing, it's
Speaker 3: just I like, because I when I'm a top, I
Speaker 3: think I'm very good in that role. Yeah, because I
Speaker 3: am confident, I kind of know what I want. I
Speaker 3: think I'm really empathetic. I can sense how they're doing
Speaker 3: and I never hesitate to check in, and so I
Speaker 3: know how good I can give it, and so if
Speaker 3: I'm taking it, I want the person giving it to
Speaker 3: be offering something at that kind of same level, you know,
Speaker 3: And this, I think is like that.
Speaker 1: To me feels like the scripture of a verse, which
Speaker 1: is if I know because as a verse doll. If
Speaker 1: I know that I can top and you're not topping
Speaker 1: the way that I know a top and do it,
Speaker 1: then it does like make me a I just don't
Speaker 1: believe the dancing.
Speaker 2: That's exactly. That's exactly, and the same stream of bottomy.
Speaker 1: Like, but if I'm if you're the bottom and I
Speaker 1: just feel like there's not a confidence in that, then
Speaker 1: it's like oh interesting, total. Yeah, It's like I've really
Speaker 1: I've stopped having sex with everybody. Wait, totally no, I like, yes,
Speaker 1: absolutely sorry with anybody, yes, because I obviously wasn't having everybody.
Speaker 2: But I haven't well well, oh, my twenties were different.
Speaker 1: I stopped having sex with just anybody because it used
Speaker 1: to feel like sex was unconsciously but like a place
Speaker 1: of validation in some ways. Oh yeah, and I no
Speaker 1: longer sex is just not a reliable place for me
Speaker 1: to get that validation, way to really learn how to
Speaker 1: get that validation internally. So then when I realized that
Speaker 1: for me, sex, even if I'm never going to see
Speaker 1: you again, has to have some kind of emotional connection,
Speaker 1: then it really kind of changed who I'm going after
Speaker 1: because you could be as hot as I want you
Speaker 1: to be here, as tall as everyone here knows if
Speaker 1: they six three and above.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm trying to holler.
Speaker 1: If I holler and the connection just doesn't feel or
Speaker 1: there's that, I'm like, oh, it's not going to be good.
Speaker 2: Totally totally.
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I'm not even trying to I'm not
Speaker 1: even gonna pursue this any first.
Speaker 2: And that makes sense.
Speaker 3: I don't know what your like sexual journey has been
Speaker 3: since coming out, or even if you didn't like for me,
Speaker 3: It's like I delayed myself the indulgence of hooking up
Speaker 3: with like with gay in gay sex yea, for so
Speaker 3: long that like when I got to Los Angeles specifically,
Speaker 3: I had to I just felt like a teenager again.
Speaker 3: I had to just learn all of these things and
Speaker 3: like make up for lost time almost. I feel like
Speaker 3: a lot of people in La I live in we
Speaker 3: host West Hollywood, so like that you can just sense it.
Speaker 3: People are just so charged They're finally in this mecca
Speaker 3: of queerness. Yeah, I needed to figure out baseline what
Speaker 3: I like?
Speaker 2: Do I like topping? Do I like?
Speaker 3: Do I like? And I'm glad that I was kind
Speaker 3: of a hoe when I got here because I was
Speaker 3: able to figure out.
Speaker 2: How is data? Hoeing is That's great data, That's exactly it.
Speaker 2: And I collected a lot of data, yeah, well collected
Speaker 2: loads of data.
Speaker 3: But like, at a certain point you have enough data
Speaker 3: to make informed decisions about yourself and what you're looking at.
Speaker 3: And I see so many people not kind of get
Speaker 3: to that checkpoint or get to that checkpoint, but be
Speaker 3: so addicted to the collection of data. And for me,
Speaker 3: I I was like, no, I'm good, I kind of
Speaker 3: know what I like I'm open to, you know, new things,
Speaker 3: but I think new things with a partner, and so
Speaker 3: I stopped also finding validation with sex.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I was you.
Speaker 1: Know, you can find it's la, you can find the
Speaker 1: most beautiful, sexually charged people, and I did that, and
Speaker 1: it's like at a certain point I had to graduate
Speaker 1: into something else for me, and that next chapter was
Speaker 1: legitimate intimacy. Yes, yeah, yes, because okay, wow, okay, let's
Speaker 1: do this right now, We're about to I'm about to
Speaker 1: do a price stuff. It's because like the like, there's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with finding validation in sex, like that's part
Speaker 1: of it, and like you know, like, oh I feel
Speaker 1: hot because they find me attracted whatever. Yes, but there
Speaker 1: is I think a limit because if you're if you
Speaker 1: don't actually engage with that and figure out how to
Speaker 1: validate yourself inside of that, then you're always chasing. And
Speaker 1: the I think the it makes sex for me so
Speaker 1: unpleasurable to constantly be in a chase. Chase is cute,
Speaker 1: like you know, like we're at a dance party. Oh
Speaker 1: I kind of like can't like that's fine, but like
Speaker 1: when I'm just chasing sex that to like feel good
Speaker 1: about myself that eventually runs out and then it gets
Speaker 1: a little icky as opposed to intimacy, which is like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm really actually more interested in the experience, and so
Speaker 1: what is the experience I can have with this person
Speaker 1: or these people at this environment? Like that is that's
Speaker 1: going to say shate and satisfy me because I'm coming
Speaker 1: into it not feeling like I'm missing something. I'm actually
Speaker 1: coming into it bringing something. And maybe that's what we're
Speaker 1: getting at is like the person that we're connecting with
Speaker 1: whose load I'm willing to swallow is somebody who is
Speaker 1: bringing something to the table, as opposed to somebody who's
Speaker 1: like looking for me to forgive the pun fill something for.
Speaker 2: Ye yeah, you know, yeah it's a great pun, thank you. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So you know, there's a different there is a different
Speaker 1: energy in seeking intimacy, experience and building something with someone
Speaker 1: as opposed to looking for them to fix something.
Speaker 3: For sure, the intimacy is so much scarier too, Like terrify,
Speaker 3: I have yet to find my first romantic partner, and
Speaker 3: I feel so ready for that. I'm also like very
Speaker 3: happy being patient and waiting for that right person. There's
Speaker 3: so many benefits of being single and autonomous, especially in
Speaker 3: our industry. Like, but I sensed that in me like
Speaker 3: a year and a half ago that change. I was
Speaker 3: just done collecting the data, like we said, and I
Speaker 3: was looking for more intimate experiences. And that is scary
Speaker 3: because it leads to things that we leads to heartbreak
Speaker 3: for sure that we have known ourselves too, that we
Speaker 3: have experienced by way of like pop stars and other
Speaker 3: people that have experienced it. And I'm like, I'm just
Speaker 3: ready to experience for myself and like understand.
Speaker 2: Just the depth of that.
Speaker 3: And it forced me across the last year to just
Speaker 3: make sure that my behavior was better aligning with that.
Speaker 3: I still love moments, and I do want to talk
Speaker 3: about edging, but I still have moments where you know,
Speaker 3: I get horny and I fall back into the chase
Speaker 3: of it allah, which is just like normal, yeah and
Speaker 3: wonderful and yes, like I think if you're aware of it,
Speaker 3: it's fine.
Speaker 1: I think it's scary, not scary. But like where I
Speaker 1: get concerned or alarm bells is when you're chasing and
Speaker 1: you don't realize correct, Yeah, Like that's when it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: then you start making choices that aren't necessarily beneficial for
Speaker 1: you because you're trying to fill this thing that the
Speaker 1: well is empty.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we host scary and again like I'm not standing
Speaker 3: on a soapbox being like, oh I've figured it out.
Speaker 2: I'm now we're on ohaman here.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it does change your perspective on certain environments
Speaker 3: that cities offer New York like other cities where there's
Speaker 3: enough queer people to actually have kind of a culture, neighborhoods,
Speaker 3: and it does color the environments different. And so you know,
Speaker 3: I'm glad that I went through them, I had my fun.
Speaker 3: I still frequent them once in a while because it's important,
Speaker 3: but I know that other things exist outside of that,
Speaker 3: and I now demand to be in those spaces.
Speaker 2: I demand to be in this.
Speaker 1: That's to me.
Speaker 3: That's me saying no, thank you, that's me saying I'm
Speaker 3: not going to go to that. I know, I know
Speaker 3: the step and repeat of what's going to happen when
Speaker 3: I go to these gay bars.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's empowering.
Speaker 1: It's empowering to demand where you want to be. And
Speaker 1: I'm i in the same way. I you know, I
Speaker 1: used to have the fomo and I no longer have fomo.
Speaker 1: Fomo never like the Homo fomo does not, which I'm
Speaker 1: with that a T shirt does not really exist anymore,
Speaker 1: because I'm like, if I want to be in that space,
Speaker 1: I will make the time to be there, and if
Speaker 1: I don't, if it's if it's not like a fuck,
Speaker 1: yes I want to go to do then I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm actually really happy to be because I love my
Speaker 1: own company. I love I'm a good sign money, I
Speaker 1: order real good food, I have really good taste in
Speaker 1: TV shows I have. I'm always stocked with weed. Like
Speaker 1: I'm a great date to myself. So I would like,
Speaker 1: if you can't give me a better time than I
Speaker 1: can give myself, that I don't actually need to be there. Yep,
Speaker 1: absolutely honestly put that in the Bible. Girl.
Speaker 3: I think we're writing a new book, the whole Bible,
Speaker 3: the Hoble.
Speaker 1: Maybe you won the game congratulations, Yes, yes, yes, you win.
Speaker 2: My unconditional love because I don't got no money here,
Speaker 2: but listeners.
Speaker 1: If you have any messy games or prompts or stories,
Speaker 1: you can email them to tell me something messy at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Your submissions always remain anonymous, just so
Speaker 1: you know. Speaking of which, let's go into MESSI mail. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're gonna we're gonna read some listeners submissions and.
Speaker 2: Give advice or react or I don't know, we'll see it.
Speaker 1: Okay, so the first one says girl, girl, it does
Speaker 1: say girl says girl. Here, I was fucking this guy
Speaker 1: doing our thing. He stopped, pulled out all wide. I
Speaker 1: He's like, what do I do with this? What my
Speaker 1: fucking Nouva ring birth control contra contraption thing was on
Speaker 1: his dick? He said, I guess we are playing ring toss.
Speaker 2: WHOA.
Speaker 1: I took it off his dick, set it on his
Speaker 1: nightstand and continued onto our scheduled programming.
Speaker 2: Oh that's exciting. That's exciting.
Speaker 3: But if the hold on, like if the Neuva rings
Speaker 3: removed during intercourse and you keep going, does that mean
Speaker 3: that you're susceptible to being pregnant?
Speaker 2: Or is it like, you know, I don't know much
Speaker 2: about NEUVERA rings. I forgive me listeners, but I don't
Speaker 2: know anything about a newver ring. I can't answer this question.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm just saying that they could they I mean,
Speaker 1: by the by the looks of this, they were excited
Speaker 1: to continue going. But that is a really good question
Speaker 1: if the newver Ring is the birth control contraption thing
Speaker 1: and that gets pulled out.
Speaker 3: My assumption is that the new ver Ring is releasing
Speaker 3: chemicals like prep like prep. Yes, I don't take one.
Speaker 2: Pill, You're still still covered for a few days. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I love that. Yeah, I love that he was
Speaker 2: he made a joke. I love that make a joke
Speaker 2: during sex? Would that turned you on? If that happened,
Speaker 2: it's like a whoopsie is it's kind of awkward? And
Speaker 2: he of course corrects with a joke. Absolutely absolutely, Yeah,
Speaker 2: because like sex, shit happens. Yep, literally literally, yeah, could happen.
Speaker 2: But it's like, you know, when awkward things happen, I think, like,
Speaker 2: we're not important, Like we're two people. It's hilarious.
Speaker 1: Let's make a joke, let's laugh and get back into it.
Speaker 1: I would rather that than us try to ignore it
Speaker 1: and try to stay sex. Yes, like I have like
Speaker 1: what are we doing?
Speaker 3: You said we're not important, which made me think of
Speaker 3: because I've hooked up with some creators of porn. It
Speaker 3: is a different dance with them because they are so
Speaker 3: used to the production of it that if if something
Speaker 3: like that happened, which it has in my you know,
Speaker 3: my own ways.
Speaker 2: I don't have a neuver ring in me yet. Yes,
Speaker 2: it is.
Speaker 3: It's almost like interesting how they like move past that awkwardness.
Speaker 3: It's just different than making a joke like as It's
Speaker 3: just different. It's just like, it's okay, we're not being filmed.
Speaker 2: This is not like a job right now.
Speaker 3: This is you know, And I'll make the joke if
Speaker 3: someone else isn't because I'm very funny obviously hilarious, but
Speaker 3: you know, it's like that is incredibly attractive. I like
Speaker 3: that it didn't like freak them out.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 1: Husband Mary, I mean, or or whatever or dating long
Speaker 1: term whatever it is. The never ring popped up for
Speaker 1: a reason. Wow, that's hilarious. I'm going to get you
Speaker 1: anal Bes maneuver ring. That's got to get that's your Christmas.
Speaker 2: I got you, baby.
Speaker 1: Okay, this what's I encourage my best friend slash roommate,
Speaker 1: slash unrequited crush to hit on a man at the
Speaker 1: club the other night.
Speaker 2: Oh, have you ever had a crush on somebody and
Speaker 2: like sent them out to like flirt with someone? I
Speaker 2: guess because it's.
Speaker 1: Like your friend and your roommate like have you had
Speaker 1: a crush on a friend. I mean, the gays have
Speaker 1: always had a crush on their friends. I always feel
Speaker 1: like gay relations, gay friendships, to me, a lot of
Speaker 1: times start with attraction, attract each other, and you're like
Speaker 1: you poke it, like, oh I don't actually want that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you can literally even like I've hooked up
Speaker 3: with a few people that are now very good friends
Speaker 3: going to dates.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, it's just you know, it is who it is.
Speaker 3: And you know, I know a bunch of straights who
Speaker 3: do that too, I guess, yeah, yeah, I the only
Speaker 3: for me. It's like, I'm trying to be a lot
Speaker 3: more strategic with the people that I like, because I've
Speaker 3: mentioned earlier that I'm just I'm interested in dating. I'm
Speaker 3: interested in finding and locking something down that's more intimate,
Speaker 3: and I've recently realized that I need to be as
Speaker 3: strategic with my romantic life as I am with my
Speaker 3: like business in normal life. Sure, because it's just like
Speaker 3: the Hollywood, it's just going to fall onto your lap
Speaker 3: might happen, but I can have more control over it
Speaker 3: than I want. Yeah, So hearing this story sometimes there's
Speaker 3: a little strategy and being like I like this guy,
Speaker 3: or this girl and like we're vibing, showing them a
Speaker 3: little like freedom. They're like, you know, it's it's not
Speaker 3: playing so easy to get. Yeah, I'll flirt with that person.
Speaker 3: It just kind of maybe reminds them of how good
Speaker 3: it is that we have. Sure, you know, it's being
Speaker 3: like an It's like in an open relationship, if you
Speaker 3: trust someone and you've got something solid, going off and
Speaker 3: playing with someone is gonna be nice. But it almost
Speaker 3: reminds you of the stability and the Yeah, that's very true.
Speaker 1: I think that's the hard I'm in a poly relationship,
Speaker 1: and I think the hottest part of it is watching
Speaker 1: my partners get hit on or people because it's.
Speaker 2: Just like oh yeah, like and I don't like go
Speaker 2: make up with them, go fuck them. I don't care.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you're gonna come back, Yeah, totally, and like
Speaker 1: we're good, you will come back, You will come back. Yes,
Speaker 1: we have some papers that are sign that you have love.
Speaker 3: Like when I like someone and they are like the
Speaker 3: world or other people in my environment are seeing the
Speaker 3: reasons why I like them and why we're roommates or
Speaker 3: why we're you know, crushing on each other. It's you know,
Speaker 3: it's validating in that way. It shouldn't be the only
Speaker 3: source of validation obviously, but like, I love that it's like, no,
Speaker 3: you're attractive to other people besides me. That makes me
Speaker 3: more attracted to you too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 1: I just hate that it's an unrequited love because it
Speaker 1: tells me that it's like you haven't told them.
Speaker 2: Which that word is familiar to me, unrequired Shakespeare. Do
Speaker 2: you see why I skip that word to it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a scary. It's scared to love somebody and
Speaker 1: not have it come back. We're not sure if it's
Speaker 1: going to come back or.
Speaker 2: They or they don't love you. That I know it's
Speaker 2: even scarier.
Speaker 3: And that's completely true that, like all of this is
Speaker 3: scary for me, it's knowing that we we definitely both
Speaker 3: love each other.
Speaker 2: Uh huh. But there is a detail in terms of
Speaker 2: our sexuality and what we label our sexuality as that
Speaker 2: prevents us from going into romantic territory.
Speaker 1: I e.
Speaker 3: And I think a lot of people can relate to this.
Speaker 3: I'm queer and you are straight. But there's such a
Speaker 3: powerful force between us. We see that everyone sees and feels,
Speaker 3: but because of the label, which you know, the labels
Speaker 3: might be true like that is, I'm not I don't
Speaker 3: have the time to like help you switch your labels
Speaker 3: in that way.
Speaker 2: I simply don't have the time. I'm busy. I'm busy.
Speaker 3: It is just so interesting having experienced a romance basically
Speaker 3: that is that has like a kind of a stopper
Speaker 3: to it because of that label. And I've talked about
Speaker 3: this on my Instagram. I wrote a little a letter
Speaker 3: from griff about falling in love with straight man. Yeah,
Speaker 3: because it happened, it had it has happened to me
Speaker 3: multiple times before I realized what I deserved. And when
Speaker 3: I posted that, a lot of my queer friends resonated
Speaker 3: with that because they're safe to love because you know.
Speaker 2: I'm never going to return it exactly.
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, and so yeah, I think a lot of
Speaker 1: people do we do that with. I think queer folks
Speaker 1: can do that with with somebody who's straight. I think
Speaker 1: it also happened with people who are attracted to someone
Speaker 1: who's in a relationship with the cheating that stuff where
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, there's a safety and not in knowing
Speaker 1: that they can't return that love. And so that's why
Speaker 1: we pursue it as opposed to putting yourself out there
Speaker 1: for a real Yeah, I wouldn't say a real love,
Speaker 1: but a relationship that.
Speaker 2: Actually could go somewhere totally. Yeah, it's far more terrifying.
Speaker 3: Yeah, human nature. I feel like to chase down stuff.
Speaker 3: I mean we see it in like movies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just show it's so romanticizing movies. But it's like girl,
Speaker 1: love yourself totally. But it's like to to your word earlier,
Speaker 1: the chase of it is like that is it's it's
Speaker 1: okay to chase. It's just a matter of being like
Speaker 1: and this happened with this person that I'm talking about
Speaker 1: and will foosball in the name. But like at a
Speaker 1: certain point, I just like literally had an out of
Speaker 1: body moment by white acid and I was like, I
Speaker 1: have to I have to start like giving myself what
Speaker 1: I deserve.
Speaker 3: And it changed a lot. Yeah, but it also didn't chat,
Speaker 3: which it makes it even more confusing. But just having
Speaker 3: that perspective for what I deserve changed a lot for me,
Speaker 3: and it like really just felt good.
Speaker 1: That is the work, ultimately, I think for all of
Speaker 1: us is there's so much I think this is for
Speaker 1: women and for queer folks specifically and bipoc right, It's
Speaker 1: that like we're taught and trained to be of service
Speaker 1: to others, to provide for others productive, so all of
Speaker 1: our worth comes from how well we can take care
Speaker 1: of others and the validation from others, and needing to
Speaker 1: switch that and put the mirror in your face and
Speaker 1: be like, wait, do I like this?
Speaker 2: Do I love this? What do I think I deserve?
Speaker 1: And then really setting those boundaries, like you can chase,
Speaker 1: but there are limits to that chase. A very small
Speaker 1: example of that is I was at a party and
Speaker 1: I was talking to a guy who was very cute,
Speaker 1: and there was a vibe there, but then as a
Speaker 1: night progressed, it was like, oh, there's a vibe here,
Speaker 1: but you're not necessarily giving back as much.
Speaker 2: So then I'm I'm going to move on.
Speaker 1: And I moved on and found another beautiful man who
Speaker 1: was like but it was like, oh, an old version
Speaker 1: of me would have like still tried to like it, like, oh,
Speaker 1: like no, there has to be a push and pull,
Speaker 1: give and take in the chase, otherwise it's not totally I.
Speaker 2: Feel like yeah, for sure, I mean, god, we could
Speaker 2: go on and we could on we could Okay, this
Speaker 2: last one this is your submission, oh, my submission or
Speaker 2: my emission?
Speaker 1: Well ooh ooh words, So this one is so grim.
Speaker 1: You sent me a screenshot from which app?
Speaker 2: Was it?
Speaker 3: This is Sniffy's. Because I got off of Grinder months ago.
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm off Grinder, I'm in a new chapter.
Speaker 3: I'm a fucking hero every years. Yeah, and then I
Speaker 3: quickly got on too Sniffys, which is like trading out
Speaker 3: Heroin for math at this point. But Sniffy's has actually
Speaker 3: been interesting because it is less. It is not a
Speaker 3: dating app, it's a cruising app. So I find myself
Speaker 3: less confused by my interactions because everyone's correct and so,
Speaker 3: and I don't use it as much as Grinder because
Speaker 3: of that reason. Like I'm just I'm evolving out of
Speaker 3: something that I was like rooted in before. So Sniffy'
Speaker 3: has been cool. I see I see a future where
Speaker 3: that's just not really part of my life sure at all,
Speaker 3: But currently I'm on it and yeah, someone messaged me.
Speaker 2: I sent it to you, yes, and so the the
Speaker 2: the interaction was them saying getting some action on and off?
Speaker 2: I said on and off.
Speaker 1: You said on and off, and then you asked them
Speaker 1: you you yep, and they said rarely yes. And then
Speaker 1: you said and I almost knew what they were getting at.
Speaker 1: And you had mentioned earlier something about the expectations between sorry,
Speaker 1: the expectations behind being bipoc and queer and just bipock
Speaker 1: in general, the world in certain sexual instances, and I
Speaker 1: knew exactly what this person was getting I felt it,
Speaker 1: you felt it, and he said.
Speaker 2: He said.
Speaker 1: I asked him why us why and he said, only
Speaker 1: a handful are looking for a black bottom.
Speaker 3: And I knew he was gonna say that. Obviously, his
Speaker 3: profile picture was back arched jock on. He looked great,
Speaker 3: and I was. I knew exactly what he was marching
Speaker 3: towards because a lot of people see my profile, and
Speaker 3: because I'm prettier or more feminine looking, they think I'm
Speaker 3: a bottom just by my photos, and I'm verse, and.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend has that he has a softer face, so
Speaker 1: everyone and a fat ass. Everyone assumes fat as fat as,
Speaker 1: everyone assumes that he's a bottom. Yes, I mean, he's verse,
Speaker 1: but that's a top.
Speaker 2: Girl. It's just so hard being pretty, you pretty girls,
Speaker 2: Oh my god, but difficult. It goes to like the pretty,
Speaker 2: the black, the tall.
Speaker 3: Talls for instance, like, oh, you're a top because you're
Speaker 3: six five, you know, Actually I like to.
Speaker 1: Take most most of my bottoms are tall bottom. Most
Speaker 1: of my bottoms are six four big.
Speaker 2: Yes, I like a I like a guy who can
Speaker 2: handle a little bit. I always say that.
Speaker 1: I always say, the more muscular they are, the more
Speaker 1: of a bottom they are. They're built to those big
Speaker 1: jim boys. They want that dickam and I've experienced that too.
Speaker 3: It's kind of the expectation of like what people are
Speaker 3: looking for from me and obviously him on these apps,
Speaker 3: which is like the BBC, the big black cock of
Speaker 3: it all, which I literally just had an interaction about.
Speaker 3: Actually I didn't because I was just like, I've stopped
Speaker 3: kind of.
Speaker 2: So interesting.
Speaker 3: I'd be curious to hear what your thoughts are on that.
Speaker 3: But yeah, it just really struck me. I knew I
Speaker 3: was coming in to record with you, and I was
Speaker 3: just really curious. I guess what your experience has been
Speaker 3: with not only strangers, but like I guess just courtships
Speaker 3: in general, and the expectations behind what people think were
Speaker 3: meant to be in bed as perpetuated. I think by
Speaker 3: porn and Hollywood and the kind of like yeah, just
Speaker 3: the stereotypes that.
Speaker 2: And a lot of people, Yeah, okay, let's yeah, we're
Speaker 2: going to do this.
Speaker 1: I'm I was glad when I when not glad about
Speaker 1: the interaction, but I was like, oh, yeah, this is
Speaker 1: this is something that needs to be talked about, but
Speaker 1: like in what forum because it's so nuanced and complicated
Speaker 1: and get a little spicy, and so I just want
Speaker 1: to say to the listeners, let's remind you these mandates.
Speaker 1: Anything said, it has the right to evolve, shift and change.
Speaker 1: And this show is messy, so things will be said
Speaker 1: imperfectly and we'll do our best to kind of navigate it.
Speaker 1: So if you also, if you have a foosball moment,
Speaker 1: email obviously you know this isn't having live so email
Speaker 1: or message and I will address it in a later episode.
Speaker 1: I relate to this because I have I experienced this
Speaker 1: where I'm six one about one eighty eighty five, but
Speaker 1: I'm verse now, but for a lot of my sexual
Speaker 1: history have been a bottom okay and yeah it's yeah
Speaker 1: girl at and I've had to do a lot of
Speaker 1: work around bottom shame and earning it. But yes, my
Speaker 1: experience is that when people see me, they want a top. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that like even even the person who's on grinders
Speaker 1: saying they're a top, I message them suddenly they want to.
Speaker 2: Bottom literally.
Speaker 1: Little while like they're a profile, will say the top
Speaker 1: or verse top, and I will reach out and they'll
Speaker 1: be like, can you taught me?
Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh yeah, I yeah, yeah, but I
Speaker 2: was reaching out to you because.
Speaker 1: Because you're on top literally he said, you're not top, mindsets,
Speaker 1: verse or something to say anything at all, But yeah,
Speaker 1: there is a and I think that that is a
Speaker 1: complete correlation to fetishism.
Speaker 2: So yes, I should also specify that my relationship with.
Speaker 1: Non black people and black people are different completely. So
Speaker 1: when I'm with black people, there are black men. The
Speaker 1: nuance here is that my femininity becomes an issue. Interesting,
Speaker 1: So the thing I I bump up against when I
Speaker 1: am talking to a black man most all the time,
Speaker 1: but a lot of times is my femininity. Yes, And
Speaker 1: so the desire because because whether we and I kind
Speaker 1: of scarcious with you, but like inside of the community,
Speaker 1: there's still a lot of homophobia, and we were all
Speaker 1: raised in it, we're indoctrinated in it, and so there
Speaker 1: is I remember months ago I saw a TikTok with
Speaker 1: this young black man who is a femme as could
Speaker 1: be absolutely.
Speaker 2: And this video was him.
Speaker 1: Uh ridiculing trans women, and I was like, Oh, isn't
Speaker 1: this interesting. You are somebody who would be ridiculed in
Speaker 1: the community as being a feminine black gay man, and
Speaker 1: you're here ridiculing.
Speaker 2: Black trans women.
Speaker 1: The oppressor becoming the oppressed becoming oppressors, right, And so
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, this is what is the value inside
Speaker 1: of our community, which tends to be around a lot
Speaker 1: of masculinity, and like, you can be gay, but don't
Speaker 1: be the one taking it in the butt, right. You
Speaker 1: can be gay, but don't be like over there. And
Speaker 1: this idea that femininity or transness or non binariness is
Speaker 1: somehow immediately whiteness. So that's the thing what I come
Speaker 1: up against in uh in in our community spaces, when
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with people who are non black, what I
Speaker 1: come up against is similar, Like they want the masculinity,
Speaker 1: but it's more so they want me to top penetrate them,
Speaker 1: penetrate them as opposed to being a bottom. And I
Speaker 1: have had the experience with you have to cut in
Speaker 1: half where like if they do want me to bottom,
Speaker 1: not all the time, clearly, but there has been even
Speaker 1: more fetishization around that too, where it's like now it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I want you my black boy, a submissive slave boy.
Speaker 1: Like I've had people say that, You're like, oh, so,
Speaker 1: like it is a mind all that to express it.
Speaker 1: It is a mine field, mindfield to be at the
Speaker 1: intersections of your race and your sexual orientation and your
Speaker 1: gender expression. And I think it's especially a minefield if
Speaker 1: you are like in Los Angeles or New York and
Speaker 1: you're in the industry, and so you tend to just
Speaker 1: work around and exist. Like if you pull up my
Speaker 1: grid where I live in in Hollywood, it's it's predominantly white.
Speaker 1: That's not like I can scroll and scroll and scroll
Speaker 1: and it's predominantly still gonna be a lot of white boys.
Speaker 1: And so even just like the options there are are
Speaker 1: are something to navigate right going to West Hollywood, like, yes,
Speaker 1: there are black people there, but like predominantly you know,
Speaker 1: it's like totally when I'm thinking about hitting on somebody,
Speaker 1: it's just usually the black people there are my friends, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: and maybe another gaggle over there. And so then it
Speaker 1: brings up for me recently has brought up what are
Speaker 1: the spaces I'm in? How can I be more intentional
Speaker 1: about those spaces and you know, looking for the far
Speaker 1: more intensively looking for black queer parties. And I use
Speaker 1: the word queer specif because it's gay and queer.
Speaker 2: Not the same.
Speaker 1: Yes, Oh my gosh, there tends to be a lot
Speaker 1: more policing around masculinity in those gay spaces.
Speaker 2: Totally. Yes. Yeah, anyways, that's where I said a lot
Speaker 2: go ahead, are well now?
Speaker 3: Thank you for saying that, because it's so interesting, and
Speaker 3: I think these conversations between BIPOC queer people specifically for me,
Speaker 3: it's just so fascinating for your listeners context because all
Speaker 3: of my listeners know I was adopted when I was
Speaker 3: a baby. My parents are both white, and I grew
Speaker 3: up in a very rural, white environment in northern New York. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and when I went to college, I guess, since I
Speaker 3: went to college in twenty ten, every year since my
Speaker 3: world has just become way more diverse. And so where
Speaker 3: I currently stand in my experiences now are just so
Speaker 3: interesting to weigh against, like the places I've had to
Speaker 3: come up in my queerness, and that includes understanding my
Speaker 3: queerness and my sexuality in the environments that I've found myself,
Speaker 3: which in Boston would was predominantly white unless you literally
Speaker 3: like go across the like the tee, the Red Line.
Speaker 3: And then it was Los Angeles, which has been such
Speaker 3: a playground for me because I'm like, well, this is
Speaker 3: the most diverse place I've ever lived in my life.
Speaker 3: But because of that, it brings up even more just
Speaker 3: not complications, but like it brings up more of a
Speaker 3: need to figure out my place.
Speaker 2: Within the community.
Speaker 3: Because we are now I have the choice and I
Speaker 3: am actively choosing certain things, whereas growing up I didn't
Speaker 3: have the choice of going to a queer black party
Speaker 3: or a queer a black family's home. Like it. It
Speaker 3: casts me in completely different roles based on the environments
Speaker 3: I'm choosing to put myself in. And there is a
Speaker 3: huge difference between going out in West Hollywood on any
Speaker 3: given weekend night and then going somewhere on the east Side,
Speaker 3: which is to your point, I completely agree, more queer
Speaker 3: on the east Side versus gay, capital gay, gay masculine men,
Speaker 3: and so those categories just trick down for anyone, let
Speaker 3: alone someone who is black, who looks feminine but is
Speaker 3: masculine leaning, and who wants to lean into his feminineyoneever
Speaker 3: the fuck he wants to. And so, But like every
Speaker 3: choice and how we express ourselves is received differently by
Speaker 3: different people, and so I it is, you know, interacting
Speaker 3: with my white friends or white pursuits sexually or romantically
Speaker 3: versus black hookups or romantic partners is just literally pun
Speaker 3: intended night and day. And I feel different senses of
Speaker 3: power in both environments. But what I no longer, I
Speaker 3: mean not no longer, because I can't control everyone if
Speaker 3: I had a perfect world. But like it's it's more
Speaker 3: of a it's more of what I choose to absorb
Speaker 3: versus what I and the lack of control I have
Speaker 3: over people's actions. And for me, it's just really frustrating
Speaker 3: as someone who's grown up very unconventionally and but like
Speaker 3: walks this world as a I think, very visible black
Speaker 3: queer person.
Speaker 2: It's just so funny that.
Speaker 3: We're in these environments to your point, where we're encouraging
Speaker 3: everyone to lead with less judgment, and then you get
Speaker 3: into the environments that have been so judged, and they
Speaker 3: are the ones perpetuating a now more niche judgment. Yes,
Speaker 3: and so it's like when and where, and you know,
Speaker 3: that's a matter of finding these spaces. And I have
Speaker 3: found these spaces. When and where are we going to
Speaker 3: just let someone walk in or interact with someone and
Speaker 3: give them just a fucking blank slate and then and
Speaker 3: like make your decisions and your understanding of them based
Speaker 3: on how they present themselves to you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this actually goes back to what we were talking
Speaker 1: about earlier in terms of looking for intimacy versus the chase,
Speaker 1: because I think with this person saying, like, you know,
Speaker 1: people rarely want a black bottom, It's like for me
Speaker 1: now going into those spaces, I have that understanding. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I'm not chasing that. Like listen, I'm still deuced
Speaker 1: and ready, but I'm not looking to have the experience.
Speaker 1: And sometimes when I'm with one of my white friends
Speaker 1: or some of my white friends, I'm like, I.
Speaker 2: Can see, I can see the swarm. And I know
Speaker 2: that this is important to say.
Speaker 1: When I'm with my white friends and I see the
Speaker 1: swarm around them, I have learned that it has nothing
Speaker 1: to do with my level of attractiveness or my level
Speaker 1: of worth or sexiness, that there is a racial dynamic happening.
Speaker 2: Let's just you know, like put it on the table.
Speaker 1: That is what the bucket is, absolutely and so I
Speaker 1: don't absorb that as like, oh, I'm not sexy enough.
Speaker 1: Like I went to my Oh, I went to a
Speaker 1: Halloween party and I was in a skirt and I
Speaker 1: was in a whatever, and my other friend was like
Speaker 1: in like a construction worker outfit. And I knew that
Speaker 1: we were going to be received differently. I like that
Speaker 1: I was I was exuding femininity and so I was
Speaker 1: immediately going to be differently than him who was exuding masculinity.
Speaker 1: And so because I know that, then I don't have
Speaker 1: to absorb the quote unquote rejection or the lack of interest,
Speaker 1: and in fact, I can then move my attention to
Speaker 1: who is actually drawn to it. To me, it does
Speaker 1: some of the work, right, It does something. It like
Speaker 1: weeds out all the bullshit because then the person that
Speaker 1: is attracted to me as I am, I'm probably gonna
Speaker 1: have a better time with than the person who needed
Speaker 1: convincing or is now attracted because they've.
Speaker 2: Had a couple of drinks and it's like totally have
Speaker 2: you had this? I'm sure you've had this. We're like
Speaker 2: I will leave.
Speaker 1: I will be at a party for an hour or
Speaker 1: two hours, no one talks, whatever, and I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is birds.
Speaker 2: So I like get myself, I like get my shit
Speaker 2: together to leave.
Speaker 1: And then somebody like you're leaving, you're so beautiful. I'm like, bitch,
Speaker 1: I've been here. Yeah, okay, goodbye.
Speaker 3: Yeah No, it's like you had an hour and a
Speaker 3: half to to whatever, like whatever, and like it's like,
Speaker 3: oh that, but there's just like that, I don't.
Speaker 2: Know, it's totally weird.
Speaker 3: It's really complicated like it is, and it's so unique
Speaker 3: to everyone's experience based on all of the like intricacies
Speaker 3: of each person. Categorically, I think where I understand everything
Speaker 3: you're saying. Yeah, and that's why I wanted to send
Speaker 3: it to you and your show, and I was just
Speaker 3: so fascinated by it. But yeah, it's it's for me,
Speaker 3: and to what you said, it's just a matter of
Speaker 3: understanding my power and putting myself in environments that that
Speaker 3: where that power is not uplifted by any means, but
Speaker 3: like uplifted in a sense that like it's giving me
Speaker 3: just the platform to just start at the same level
Speaker 3: as everyone. Yeah, And I'm in control of being in
Speaker 3: those environments. I know that if I go to you know,
Speaker 3: a white friend's gathering at their place, I've been to
Speaker 3: their places, so I know that, like there's going to
Speaker 3: be a few people of color, what the majority of
Speaker 3: people aren't.
Speaker 2: So it's like, I know the role that I'm.
Speaker 3: Playing, and I'm not going to let that affect how
Speaker 3: I view my power and my You know your expectations,
Speaker 3: you know, You're like, I know the expectations of the environment.
Speaker 1: I don't need to conform to the environment or I
Speaker 1: need to or I need to think less of myself
Speaker 1: or shrink myself. I'm gonna show up as my full self.
Speaker 1: But understand in this space, like y'all are on some
Speaker 1: other ship and that's fine, that's something to do with me.
Speaker 1: And then put myself in, as you say, in those
Speaker 1: spaces where I feel like I can get that that reciprocity, Hella,
Speaker 1: Lauren Hill, you know, put yourself in those and that
Speaker 1: changes up to this, to this black bottom, I would say,
Speaker 1: you know, there are plenty of people who love a
Speaker 1: black bottom. It's just like, what spaces are we occupying
Speaker 1: totally and recognizing that depending on what your your job
Speaker 1: and your location is, you might have to do a
Speaker 1: little more work to move into those spaces, which is
Speaker 1: which is fair. And like you know, I think what
Speaker 1: gets scary about it, and I'm willing to say this publicly,
Speaker 1: is that what then happens is the qualifying and quantifying
Speaker 1: of your blackness. And exactly is what always makes it
Speaker 1: shitty is that there there tends to be a judgment
Speaker 1: that you can get from white folks, and there also
Speaker 1: tends to be a judgment that you can get from
Speaker 1: your community. Yeah, and then like if you're somebody who
Speaker 1: has had to ride the line by way of whether
Speaker 1: it's your parents or white or you were sent to
Speaker 1: pwi's or whatever it is, I think you're constantly negotiating
Speaker 1: totally who is qualifying or quantifying your blackness and what
Speaker 1: makes you actually black and if you're black enough, all
Speaker 1: of that comes into play and starts to fuck with
Speaker 1: how you see yourself totally and whether or not you
Speaker 1: feel valuable and if you're doing if you're.
Speaker 3: Doing it right yet unquote totally I received the most
Speaker 3: of that obviously given my background. Like it is, I'm
Speaker 3: just like there's a an I'll end here because I
Speaker 3: feel like I could go on so long about this,
Speaker 3: but like, I know what I represent, and I want
Speaker 3: to make sure that I am honoring that. Yeah, because
Speaker 3: it's not only important for me, but especially as creators,
Speaker 3: it's important for people consuming us to see themselves us
Speaker 3: And so I'm always trying to understand that and who
Speaker 3: I am my blood, my skin color, my history, my biology.
Speaker 3: But I'm also simply not going to continue to scream
Speaker 3: at the top of my lungs that I am something
Speaker 3: because someone is questioning that yes, And I think I'm
Speaker 3: more interested in getting past the screaming and the judgment
Speaker 3: and sitting down and talking about what we're really getting at,
Speaker 3: which is, you know, what makes us different and what
Speaker 3: makes us similar, which everyone on this earth engages in constantly.
Speaker 3: It's just a little different for people that have such
Speaker 3: heavy expectations, like our black Bottom Summer, coming into situations,
Speaker 3: especially when it's on a dating app where people are
Speaker 3: being purposely anonymous.
Speaker 2: They're saying all the shit that they would never say
Speaker 2: yes because they would get clocked.
Speaker 3: In the throat, and that just goes like, you know,
Speaker 3: and if I had to say something to our black bottom.
Speaker 3: I wish I knew what his name is, even if
Speaker 3: I we keep it anonymous, like it's just you will
Speaker 3: continue to experience that because I continue to experience Yes,
Speaker 3: So at what point are you going to say goodbye
Speaker 3: to that app and find to our point in an
Speaker 3: environment that doesn't require you to perform in that kind
Speaker 3: of way.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and even if it's not saying goodbye to the app.
Speaker 1: But it's like the moment I smell it, the moment
Speaker 1: I smell anything that feels off, Yeah, I don't need
Speaker 1: to engage anymore. It's like it's a block. It's an
Speaker 1: end of the conversation. And you go where you are valued,
Speaker 1: go where people light up when they see you. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, And if you're not in those spaces,
Speaker 1: don't stop until you find the spaces because the other thing,
Speaker 1: and this is where I'll end, is I realized because
Speaker 1: you know, for me, and we'll probably do another episode
Speaker 1: on this. But I have a white husband, and so
Speaker 1: sometimes my blackness not Sometimes a lot of times my
Speaker 1: blackness gets.
Speaker 2: Qualified or people want to take my black.
Speaker 1: Card away because my husband's white. And so then I
Speaker 1: get into this headspace where it's like Oh my god,
Speaker 1: do I divorce my husband? I don't mean that literally no,
Speaker 1: in those moments where you're like, god, it would be
Speaker 1: so much easier if my partner is black, because people
Speaker 1: think I hate my blackness. For people, it's like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't, And why am I screaming that I don't
Speaker 1: when it's like, okay, perception. This is all about people's perception.
Speaker 1: So am I actually happy? Am I safe? Am I protected?
Speaker 1: Do I love my husband? It's not about his whiteness,
Speaker 1: it's who he is. Do I love myself? Do I
Speaker 1: know that I'm black?
Speaker 2: Yes? Great?
Speaker 1: Yes, great, So then that's all that matters. Well, however, however,
Speaker 1: anyone wants to in take the information of my white partner,
Speaker 1: whatever it is that I've said or done, and they
Speaker 1: want to qualify or quantify my blackness, that's actually.
Speaker 2: Not my business.
Speaker 1: Nope, nope, my business is no way to fuck I
Speaker 1: am what I'm about and moving from there, I think
Speaker 1: that's you know all all anyone can do whatever, And
Speaker 1: you know we're using the context of blackness. But this
Speaker 1: works in every area, right, It works whether you're LATINX,
Speaker 1: if you're trans, if you're not like you know who
Speaker 1: you are. I also feel this as somebody who's not binary?
Speaker 1: Am I non binary enough?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: You know who you are are? Fuck the perception yep?
Speaker 2: Do you exist in that? Yeah?
Speaker 1: And the right people will come to you, and if
Speaker 1: you validate it yourself first, the world will.
Speaker 2: Catch up totally, totally.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the critiques just are so loud, and it's
Speaker 3: like it can be like one in ten are a
Speaker 3: critique and then the other nine are just complete acceptance
Speaker 3: and like understanding and not even just understanding. It's like
Speaker 3: the allowance of letting you just show yourself to me
Speaker 3: and then I build my understanding of you from that.
Speaker 3: It's just the critiques are so loud. Yeah, but I
Speaker 3: I know this, like there are there's a world for you,
Speaker 3: and there's people for you, and there's environments for you.
Speaker 3: It's just you'll probably have to work a little harder
Speaker 3: to find them. Yes, but my god, it feels so
Speaker 3: good when you do, and it just makes you realize
Speaker 3: how little you need. Those critiques and those questions, which
Speaker 3: are fine, but like the constant cadence of them are
Speaker 3: a little exhausting. But it's just you've you got work
Speaker 3: a little harder to find your people. Yeah, your people, yeah,
Speaker 3: because they're out there. Yeah, you haven't met all the
Speaker 3: people who will love you yet, as they say, or
Speaker 3: you haven't you know you'll forever be it.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no you haven't. Well, thank you so
Speaker 2: much for being here, grim.
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me this feel. This is a
Speaker 3: really safe space that you've cultivated, and like it's so
Speaker 3: important for people like us and people not like us
Speaker 3: to just have a space like that and to dive deep.
Speaker 2: If they want to. Thank you. Yeah, we'll talk to
Speaker 2: you soon, talk to you soon. Bye bye. You know
Speaker 2: that we're hoes here, but we're hoes with heart. So
Speaker 2: before we go, I would like to speak to yours.
Speaker 1: I really, really really cannot express enough gratitude for this
Speaker 1: conversation because it's the sticky shit, it's the granular shit,
Speaker 1: it's the ship that like you normally can't talk about
Speaker 1: public spaces.
Speaker 2: It's something that happens.
Speaker 1: At French tables or in like you know, in the
Speaker 1: on the couch and the corners, in the dark corners.
Speaker 1: But it's something that I think that needs to be
Speaker 1: spoken about more out loud because I know that a
Speaker 1: lot of us experience everything that Griff was talking about
Speaker 1: things that I was talking about versions of it, but
Speaker 1: we don't have the language, and I think by talking
Speaker 1: about it together, we can develop the language, and then
Speaker 1: if you develop the language, you can forge a path
Speaker 1: towards healing. A couple of things that I want to
Speaker 1: bring up is that hoeing is data.
Speaker 2: Okay, you heard it here. Hoeing is data. Okay.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we get so in our feelings when whether it's
Speaker 1: a fuck buddy or a romantic partner doesn't work out.
Speaker 2: And I always like to remind people it's data. You
Speaker 2: get closer to what you want what you don't want.
Speaker 2: Its information.
Speaker 1: Also, my therapist always says, with love comes heartbreak, and
Speaker 1: so in the I'm thinking about when griff was talking
Speaker 1: about falling in love with some straight friends, or when
Speaker 1: people whether that you know you also relate to that
Speaker 1: falling in love with straight friends, or you know, falling
Speaker 1: in love with somebody who's already in a relationship like this,
Speaker 1: ways in which we protect ourselves from actually being able
Speaker 1: to receive love, because with love comes heartbreak. But the
Speaker 1: moment you can accept that and also appreciate that, I
Speaker 1: think that's where your power and your strength will come
Speaker 1: back to you. Where you know that this gets to
Speaker 1: be an experience and there's.
Speaker 2: Still value in it.
Speaker 1: There's still value in me loving and being loved, even
Speaker 1: if it doesn't last for the rest of our life,
Speaker 1: even if we don't get to stay together, even if
Speaker 1: we break up, we can still love each other. Like reframing, well,
Speaker 1: I think we grew up in media watching our favorite shows,
Speaker 1: our favorite characters. They break up and it's over and
Speaker 1: it's awful and it's terrible, when in reality like love
Speaker 1: can flow, allow love to flow, you know what I'm saying. Also,
Speaker 1: I really stand by If you can't give me a
Speaker 1: better time than I can give myself, then I do
Speaker 1: not need to be there. I just want to repeat that,
Speaker 1: and I want to offer that to you to liberate you.
Speaker 1: If like fuck fomo, really and truly homo fomo any fomo,
Speaker 1: fuck it. If you like you are the time, you are,
Speaker 1: the party, you are, the event, you are, the function,
Speaker 1: you are that bitch, honey, I'm talking right to yeah, honey,
Speaker 1: I'm talking right to you.
Speaker 2: So when you're by yourself, it's a great time.
Speaker 1: And if you're gonna step out of your house and
Speaker 1: put on hard clothes, you know you're not gonna put
Speaker 1: on the sweat.
Speaker 2: You gonna put them the hard jeans and them tight skirts.
Speaker 1: Or whatever it is, high heels, whatever it is, you're
Speaker 1: gonna put on something hard on your body, it better
Speaker 1: be because you go with somewhere fabulous or you going
Speaker 1: somewhere where you're getting paid.
Speaker 2: Okay, Amen, hallelujah, hol lujah. Okay.
Speaker 1: If you make me put on a hard show, I'm
Speaker 1: either getting paid or I know that it's going to
Speaker 1: be a fabulous time, and if not, I'm gonna stay
Speaker 1: my ass at home. Finally, you know, we got into
Speaker 1: like the granulars of what it is to qualify and
Speaker 1: quantify one's identity. So we talk specifically about you know,
Speaker 1: blackness and queerness, but whatever your identity labels are, I'm
Speaker 1: sure you've experienced the qualifying and the quantifying of it
Speaker 1: from yourself and from other people, especially if you're anyone
Speaker 1: who lives in an intersection where you feel like your
Speaker 1: own community sometimes doesn't hold you. I want to remind
Speaker 1: you that the community is large, and so know that
Speaker 1: maybe certain sectors of our communities may not hold us,
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that the community as a whole can't
Speaker 1: hold us. Yeah, So it's really about being diligent and
Speaker 1: clear about finding your places, finding your spaces that affirm you,
Speaker 1: that feel soft, that feel good, that don't have you
Speaker 1: on edge. That's also getting in touch with what your
Speaker 1: body is doing. If you walk into a party, or
Speaker 1: you are going to lunch with somebody, or you always
Speaker 1: have these interactions with certain people, and you always feel
Speaker 1: on edge, you don't feel settled, you can't take a breath.
Speaker 1: That's probably not where you need to be. And I
Speaker 1: don't care how cool they are, how cute they are,
Speaker 1: how fancy they are. If you don't feel settled there,
Speaker 1: then it might not be the space you need to
Speaker 1: be in. So go somewhere that feels soft. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that. You know, sometimes there's a difference between like
Speaker 1: growth and growth being uncomfortable versus like this doesn't feel good,
Speaker 1: I don't feel safe at all. Those are two different things.
Speaker 1: So if you're uncomfortable because you're growing, that's one thing.
Speaker 2: Clock that.
Speaker 1: But if you are not feeling safe because the energy
Speaker 1: of the people you're around, of the space you're in
Speaker 1: is not bright, it's quite dark, then get out of
Speaker 1: their baby. If you validate yourself first, the world will
Speaker 1: catch up at the end of the day. I think
Speaker 1: a lot of our suffering comes around perception and our
Speaker 1: fear of being perceived and how we're being perceived. I
Speaker 1: think about it as a like if I ever had
Speaker 1: to walk across a crowded room of my peers, I
Speaker 1: would just I would disassociate. I would break down because
Speaker 1: I was just thinking about what they were thinking about me,
Speaker 1: as opposed to thinking about.
Speaker 2: What am I thinking about me?
Speaker 1: If I think I'm cool and I love what's going on,
Speaker 1: and I love what I'm wearing, I love how I
Speaker 1: show up, I love my kindness, I love my heart,
Speaker 1: I love my comedy. I love if I can get
Speaker 1: in a place where I love myself like that, I'll
Speaker 1: give a fuck what anyone else is thinking. And also,
Speaker 1: by the way, a lot of people they not thinking
Speaker 1: about you. So how often are you stunting yourself, stopping
Speaker 1: yourself from experiencing things, stopping yourself from moving through the
Speaker 1: world because you are afraid of how other people will
Speaker 1: see you? How are you robbing yourself of joy? How
Speaker 1: are you robbing yourself of love, of your power because
Speaker 1: of your fear of how you will be perceived? Validate yourself, baby,
Speaker 1: and the world will catch up. Affirm yourself, love yourself,
Speaker 1: treat yourself the way that you want to be treated,
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, and the world will catch up.
Speaker 1: And when you do that, you will know very clearly
Speaker 1: when other people aren't doing it, and you can know, oh, pivot,
Speaker 1: that's not where I'm supposed to be because I know
Speaker 1: I treat myself well and so I know what being
Speaker 1: treated well feels like. And that's where I demand, to
Speaker 1: use Griff's word that those are the spaces.
Speaker 2: I demand to be in. Okay, those are my thoughts.
Speaker 1: If you have more thoughts, please email tell Me Something
Speaker 1: Messy at gmail dot com. Okay, I love you. You
Speaker 1: can find Griff on Instagram at Griff stark ns that
Speaker 1: is g r I F F Stark s t A
Speaker 1: r k n s.
Speaker 2: E n NIS.
Speaker 1: You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon
Speaker 1: Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me
Speaker 1: Something Messy, and you can join our community on the
Speaker 1: Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,
Speaker 1: recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also,
Speaker 1: I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,
Speaker 1: your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas. To tell
Speaker 1: Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also
Speaker 1: call us at six six nine sixty nine Messy. That
Speaker 1: is six six nine six ninety six three seven seven nine, Rate, review,
Speaker 1: and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring
Speaker 1: HOE friends. Really really helps the show out, all right.
Speaker 1: Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
Speaker 1: before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty.
Speaker 1: Buffore what they beat the kitty before fuckation or succation communication.
Speaker 2: And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
Speaker 2: are so deeply loved. I love you, hie.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy.
Speaker 1: If you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to
Speaker 1: someone else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy
Speaker 1: as executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Speaker 1: Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
Speaker 1: from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app
Speaker 1: or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.