WEBVTT - Heauxing Is Data w/ Griff Stark-Ennis

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<v Speaker 1>Does not really exist anymore, because I'm like, if I

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<v Speaker 1>want to be in that space, I will make the

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<v Speaker 1>time to be there. And if it's not like a fuck,

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<v Speaker 1>yes I want to go to do, then I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>I love my own company. I'm a good time money,

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<v Speaker 1>I order real good food.

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<v Speaker 2>I have really good taste in TV shows.

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<v Speaker 1>You know what we do here destroy shame around sex

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<v Speaker 1>by talking about sex.

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<v Speaker 2>Now, let me tell you something messy.

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<v Speaker 1>This might actually not have anything to do with sex,

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<v Speaker 1>but it is messy to me, and I do want

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<v Speaker 1>to discuss it, and I would like for y'all to

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<v Speaker 1>discuss it among your people. And if you are a

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<v Speaker 1>restaurant tour, I would really like you to go to

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<v Speaker 1>the other restaurant tours and talk about this. As you

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<v Speaker 1>can tell, I'm about to talk about restaurants, which is

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<v Speaker 1>a restaurant with only one bathroom should be a crime.

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<v Speaker 2>That shit should be how.

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<v Speaker 1>Y'all got Ooh, I'm gonna get how y'all got forty

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<v Speaker 1>motherfuckers in this fucking place and only one bathroom? I

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<v Speaker 1>was in I remember I was in San Francisco not

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<v Speaker 1>too long ago, and the person I was with was

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<v Speaker 1>telling me, oh, you know the buildings are old, so

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<v Speaker 1>the restaurants only have one bathroom. Baby, there were people

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<v Speaker 1>upon people upon people upon people in this Mexican restaurant.

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<v Speaker 2>By the way, we.

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<v Speaker 1>Eat Mexican people eating beans, baby, people eating beans and cheese.

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<v Speaker 1>And I don't trust everybody to know or respect the

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<v Speaker 1>fact that they're lactose intolerant.

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<v Speaker 2>You know what I'm saying.

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<v Speaker 1>And you only got one motherfucking bathroom. All it takes

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<v Speaker 1>is for all it takes. All it takes is for

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<v Speaker 1>one motherfucker who's lactose intolerant. One motherfucker who has a

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<v Speaker 1>bean allergy. I am that motherfucker. I'm allergic to beans.

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<v Speaker 1>All it takes is one and that bathroom is wrapped

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<v Speaker 1>for the night.

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<v Speaker 2>Night.

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<v Speaker 1>I am so confused. You should not be allowed to

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<v Speaker 1>open a restaurant with one bathroom. If you're a cafe,

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<v Speaker 1>a fine, because we in and out Starbucks. If Starbucks

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<v Speaker 1>have one bathroom, I'm okay with that. There are Starbucks

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<v Speaker 1>that got two, three, four bathrooms. So why can't the

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<v Speaker 1>little French restaurant, the Mexican restaurant, the Caribbean restaurant, the

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<v Speaker 1>American resert.

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<v Speaker 2>Why can't y'all restaurant tours.

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<v Speaker 1>When when you are mapping out, when you got the

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<v Speaker 1>blueprint the architecture, and y'all are gone the architect and

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<v Speaker 1>y'all are going through. What is you know what's gonna be?

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<v Speaker 1>The kitchen's gonna be over here and hope here. It's

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<v Speaker 1>gonna be like the bar extra and it's gonna be

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<v Speaker 1>the outside patio. Why do y'all only are y'all saving.

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<v Speaker 2>Money with the one bathroom?

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<v Speaker 1>What's going on? Is it too much water? Is the

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<v Speaker 1>water the water built too high? If you have multiple bathrooms,

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<v Speaker 1>you want too many people flushing? Are you conserving water?

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<v Speaker 1>Is it for the environment? Why is there one bathroom?

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<v Speaker 1>And the other piece that I want to say about

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<v Speaker 1>this for those of you who got one bathroom and

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<v Speaker 1>for those of you who got multiple bathroom, if y'all.

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<v Speaker 2>Don't put the vacant and occupied.

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<v Speaker 1>Little sign on the thing, because here I am in

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<v Speaker 1>the bathroom line. The music is blasting, people are talking,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, plate to being broken, and I'm knocking on

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<v Speaker 1>the door, but I can't hear the person go somebody's

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<v Speaker 1>in here because it's too loud. You know what would

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<v Speaker 1>be helpful to see that vacant doorknob sign or that

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<v Speaker 1>occupied sign here. I am just like you know, crunching

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<v Speaker 1>down on these these these doorknobs, giving somebody inside a

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<v Speaker 1>heart attack because who knows what they're doing there, And

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<v Speaker 1>that's their business, you know what I'm saying, that's their business.

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<v Speaker 1>Their pants might be all the way down, they might be,

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<v Speaker 1>they might be, you know, exerc and by exercising, I

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<v Speaker 1>mean an exorcism of that, you know, that turd because

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<v Speaker 1>they might have had them beans and they need that

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<v Speaker 1>occupied sign. That's all I want to say. That's all

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<v Speaker 1>I wanna say. Restaurant tours, get your shit together. It

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<v Speaker 1>should be illegal for you to have one bathroom. And

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<v Speaker 1>I know I know some of y'all in your car

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<v Speaker 1>or wherever you are listening to this on the subway,

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<v Speaker 1>in your house listening to this being like, what are

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<v Speaker 1>we talking about?

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<v Speaker 2>Or or you understand what I'm talking about?

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, And this is why, and this is why you

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<v Speaker 1>should look at home by the way walking into the show,

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<v Speaker 1>this is telling me something messy. My name, I'm your host, FRIANDICR.

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<v Speaker 2>Good Man.

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<v Speaker 1>Some people call me a messy mom. Other people call

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<v Speaker 1>me a restaurant activist. Okay, a bathroom. A bathroom avist.

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<v Speaker 1>That's yeah, that yes, a bathroom avest. There we go, period.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm the new Gordon Ramsey, motherfucker.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm coming through to fix your fucking restaurants and add

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<v Speaker 1>more bathrooms.

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<v Speaker 2>Actually, that might be a good show we should do.

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<v Speaker 1>They should do a reboot of whatever that show is

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<v Speaker 1>that he was doing when he was going around fix

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<v Speaker 1>people's restaurants. But it'll be me, messy mom, and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>just there to make.

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<v Speaker 2>Sure y'all got enough bathrooms.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't give a fuck if the food is good,

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<v Speaker 1>I just want to I'm gonna be like, Okay, if

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<v Speaker 1>y'all are serving that much cheese in this restaurant, y'all

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<v Speaker 1>have to have at least four bathrooms.

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<v Speaker 2>Period. Okay, Okay, that's that's all I say. Ayway smoking

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<v Speaker 2>to the show. What's next? Baby? You know what that means?

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<v Speaker 2>It is time for a guest.

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<v Speaker 1>Now, while they get situated, we'll get our messy key

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<v Speaker 1>Key started with a how matter of fest stow repeat

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<v Speaker 1>after me aloud or in your head. Grant me the

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<v Speaker 1>serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the

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<v Speaker 1>wisdom to that sex is not just about penetration, the

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<v Speaker 1>audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength

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<v Speaker 1>to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,

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<v Speaker 1>or fuck bay, for it is better to masturbate by

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<v Speaker 1>myself in peace than to let someone play in my

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<v Speaker 1>motherfucking face. Let the community say, oh helujah, I am

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<v Speaker 1>so excited to have Griff Stark ns on the show.

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<v Speaker 1>Griff is an actor, host, and model based in West.

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<v Speaker 2>Hollywood, California. Griff currently leads the queer driven.

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<v Speaker 1>Short film This Is for You, and will be making

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<v Speaker 1>his comedic debut in gasper Cello's upcoming success Starts Here.

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<v Speaker 1>Griff has been the face of several global commercial campaigns,

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<v Speaker 1>most notably for Apple, and has shot fashion campaigns that

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<v Speaker 1>have been featured in outlets including Vogue and GQ. He

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<v Speaker 1>is a proud alum of Boston College as well as

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<v Speaker 1>the Boston Consulting Group. You can find Griff pretending to

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<v Speaker 1>do work on his family's farm in the Thousand Islands

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<v Speaker 1>or dashing around Los Angeles in his beloved crocs. Y'all

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<v Speaker 1>please help me. Welcome Griff, Hey, Grif, Hello, Hello?

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<v Speaker 3>Are you?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm good? How are you? You know what today's we record?

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<v Speaker 1>Whenever anyone asks me that, I like to be as

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<v Speaker 1>honest as possible. I already told you off, Mike, but

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a little low energy, so I'm gonna really lean

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<v Speaker 1>on you.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, you're gonna.

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<v Speaker 1>Host today's episode, perfect, I'd tell me something messy with

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<v Speaker 1>Griff starctis today.

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<v Speaker 2>I will be the guests.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, actually, before we get started, let me give you

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<v Speaker 1>our messy kiky mandates.

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<v Speaker 2>Does that work? Yeah? Okay? Cool?

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<v Speaker 1>So things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinions

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<v Speaker 1>shared have the right to evolve, shift, or change today

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<v Speaker 1>tomorrow or ten years som now. And if during the

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<v Speaker 1>kiki something feels too personal or unintentionally offends, we use

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<v Speaker 1>the safe word foosball, which gives a chance for us

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<v Speaker 1>to pause or address and pivot accordingly.

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<v Speaker 2>Wow, I love the like laws of it all.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, we have a little it's the mandates, you know.

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<v Speaker 1>We like to keep a little framework, stay safe and

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<v Speaker 1>open hearted, and a safe work. Fo balls is safe

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<v Speaker 1>for It's like you're like, oh, foosball, Oh we will stop.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm actually pretty good at foosball, t are you? I?

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<v Speaker 1>When I started to show, I didn't know foosball's a

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<v Speaker 1>word that.

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, oh, I don't know what that means,

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<v Speaker 2>and you're just screaming at all the streaming, So that's

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<v Speaker 2>gonna be the same word. Shall we start with the

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<v Speaker 2>loupe breaker? Yes, beautiful, Okay, So we're gonna play a game.

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<v Speaker 1>Of smash or pass, smash your past like this, smash

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<v Speaker 1>your pass musk, which I have to say, musk, not

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<v Speaker 1>must must musk. Musk is just like it's it's the smell,

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<v Speaker 1>but it's not the sour smell. It's just like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>that's your natural smell.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and sometimes it be natural, sometimes it be natural.

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<v Speaker 2>I I am gonna have to oh, man, there's a

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<v Speaker 2>for me.

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<v Speaker 3>There's a fine intersection between it being like hot and

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<v Speaker 3>sexy and just like natural, I'm smelling you at your

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<v Speaker 3>primal self. And then especially in workout classes, it is it's.

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<v Speaker 2>Just a little work. I just want to work out

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<v Speaker 2>on the fuck that's yeah. Yeah, yeah, So I'm gonna

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<v Speaker 2>say I'll say smash yep or what's it like, a

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<v Speaker 2>smash pass, a smass, A.

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<v Speaker 3>Smass where it's like, reminds me of the words you

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<v Speaker 3>mentioned on Katya's episode Magma.

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<v Speaker 1>Magma Geez, I'm a I'm a I'm also a smass

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<v Speaker 1>because it is like a it is a fine line

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<v Speaker 1>where like the musk and turn musty. So so to me,

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<v Speaker 1>it's like if you were somebody who like doesn't like

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<v Speaker 1>to shower, and then you had all day not showering,

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<v Speaker 1>and then it's the evening that's gonna be must and

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want that. If you're regularly showers like you

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<v Speaker 1>usually like a shout in the morning, and then like

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<v Speaker 1>you whatever, and now it's like five o'clock, that's probably

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<v Speaker 1>gonna be a little muskier.

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<v Speaker 2>That's nice. Also depending on what your job is.

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<v Speaker 3>Because totally perhaps you're setting off, but you're probably gonna

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<v Speaker 3>be muskier and I'm into that.

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<v Speaker 2>Or if you just worked out. Also, if I just

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<v Speaker 2>worked out, yeah, I'm cool with that. That's a good point.

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<v Speaker 3>Like if I'm bringing the same level of yes, then

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<v Speaker 3>that it makes sense right absolutely. Post Barr's boot Camp,

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah yeah, yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>The dance floor, like if we've been dancing and sweating,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god, I will smell your pits. You like

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<v Speaker 1>to dance, I do, Like I love to be on

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<v Speaker 1>the dance floor. I love that, and I love to make.

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<v Speaker 2>Out on dance floor I love. I also on the

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<v Speaker 2>dance for WHOA, how did that go? It was great?

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<v Speaker 1>I was lovely, it was wonderful. I actually was just

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<v Speaker 1>at a party, uh not too long ago. My friend

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<v Speaker 1>and I every return people were fucking on the name

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<v Speaker 1>Wow get it applausa everyone.

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<v Speaker 2>I think, yes, I think, yes, that's my statement that

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<v Speaker 2>I think.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, I don't love like I'm a very like I

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<v Speaker 3>will be a slut, yeah, but I think at this

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<v Speaker 3>point in my life I need a little privacy. So

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<v Speaker 3>like the dance floor isn't necessarily even for making out

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<v Speaker 3>like my forte. It's just like the being looked at.

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<v Speaker 1>I guess yeah, the voyeurism of it all may not

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<v Speaker 1>be fe feel good because when I want to be

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<v Speaker 1>looked at, I know how to be looked at.

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<v Speaker 3>I mean, I talk about it, but I think for

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<v Speaker 3>that maybe I'll grow into it. But let's get me

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<v Speaker 3>behind closed doors and you'll see me at my best. Oh.

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<v Speaker 1>I love that one on one is a vibe. Honestly,

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<v Speaker 1>I always say that, like I am able to be

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<v Speaker 1>my sluttiest in public when I feel most connected in private.

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<v Speaker 1>So like, if I like my connections, my private connections

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<v Speaker 1>are doing well and the emotional connection is there.

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<v Speaker 2>That I'm really able to be the biggest slut in

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<v Speaker 2>a public space.

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<v Speaker 1>If my like private emotional connections aren't well and that's

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<v Speaker 1>romantic platonic, they're like not, then like I my dick

0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:57.400
<v Speaker 1>is soft, I don't want.

0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:00.079
<v Speaker 2>To do it. That's interesting because some of my and

0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:04.320
<v Speaker 2>who are the sluttiest in public have very stable personal

0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:08.559
<v Speaker 2>and like home romantic lives or sex lives. So that's

0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:10.520
<v Speaker 2>a really interesting that makes sense.

0:11:10.600 --> 0:11:13.360
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, at the end of the day, we're all not

0:11:13.480 --> 0:11:15.520
<v Speaker 1>we're all, but a lot of us are much more

0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:17.800
<v Speaker 1>emotional than you want to say you are.

0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:18.880
<v Speaker 2>Okay, smash your paths.

0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:24.200
<v Speaker 3>Anal beads, Oh, I've never experienced them, like with someone

0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:25.800
<v Speaker 3>or myself.

0:11:26.200 --> 0:11:28.120
<v Speaker 2>So what's the purpose of them?

0:11:28.520 --> 0:11:30.920
<v Speaker 1>Well, an, I mean purpose wise, I mean I think

0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:34.240
<v Speaker 1>it's like another version of a butt plug, other version

0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:36.679
<v Speaker 1>of a dildo. But I feel like because they're like

0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:40.760
<v Speaker 1>they're beaded, it's a it's a different sensation.

0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.120
<v Speaker 3>Because it like it like has like little pulses as

0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:45.000
<v Speaker 3>they're like yeah, I can see, I can see.

0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:45.240
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:46.400
<v Speaker 2>They remind me.

0:11:48.000 --> 0:11:51.679
<v Speaker 1>They remind me of those like click on bracelets that

0:11:52.000 --> 0:11:55.280
<v Speaker 1>I had as a kid. Those charts like the snap

0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:57.000
<v Speaker 1>bracelets kind of you know what.

0:11:57.080 --> 0:12:00.360
<v Speaker 3>I'll send you a picture because it's it's clear in

0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:02.800
<v Speaker 3>my head, it's probably not clear for anyone listening, but

0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:06.840
<v Speaker 3>very similar beads. As a kid, that's a problematic.

0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:09.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, oh, because I like you remember, like there's

0:12:09.200 --> 0:12:12.040
<v Speaker 1>like those bracelets that have like the big massive beads.

0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:16.720
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Ye, and they just like connected connect. So I'm

0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:20.319
<v Speaker 2>going to I'm just gonna I'll say, pass for it

0:12:20.640 --> 0:12:23.600
<v Speaker 2>now for now. It's not it forever. It's not forever. Yeah,

0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:26.079
<v Speaker 2>you know, I heard your mandates at the beginning, A

0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:29.960
<v Speaker 2>pass for now, show me, show me somebody, show Griffin

0:12:31.760 --> 0:12:33.079
<v Speaker 2>see how they work.

0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:37.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I I'm a pass on an anal bead. It's

0:12:37.480 --> 0:12:40.000
<v Speaker 1>not my favorite sensation. I'm fine with it, but there

0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:43.840
<v Speaker 1>are other sensations that I prefer more. It's not my favorite.

0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:46.480
<v Speaker 1>So it's a it's it's it's not it's not a

0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:49.199
<v Speaker 1>pass like I'll never but it's not like I'm like,

0:12:49.280 --> 0:12:51.120
<v Speaker 1>oh yeah, absolutely, that's a smash you.

0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:54.040
<v Speaker 3>Had mentioned on an episode before that, like, and I

0:12:54.200 --> 0:12:55.960
<v Speaker 3>totally agree. And I don't know if it's changed then

0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:59.439
<v Speaker 3>you recorded that one. But if I'm prepped and ready

0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:02.480
<v Speaker 3>to be playing with my ass. Yeah for like a dildo,

0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:04.800
<v Speaker 3>anal beads, a plug, a plug. I need to like

0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:07.280
<v Speaker 3>start experimenting with more. Sure, I think that'll help me

0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:09.959
<v Speaker 3>kind of uh train myself a little bit better.

0:13:11.000 --> 0:13:14.160
<v Speaker 2>I would rather, though, just have a dick around.

0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:17.240
<v Speaker 3>So for me anal beads or dildos or anything that

0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:21.160
<v Speaker 3>is not human connected. It's like I'd probably be entertained

0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:22.520
<v Speaker 3>by it for a few minutes and then I'd be

0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:23.760
<v Speaker 3>like horny.

0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:25.200
<v Speaker 2>For for the dick. For the dick.

0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:27.839
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I prefer toys with a partner because then I'm like,

0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:29.480
<v Speaker 1>play with me with the toys and then give me

0:13:29.559 --> 0:13:31.319
<v Speaker 1>the dick total vice versus or like, you know, we

0:13:31.360 --> 0:13:31.959
<v Speaker 1>can switch out.

0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:34.480
<v Speaker 2>But if I've done all that clean out and I

0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:35.400
<v Speaker 2>just have my I have.

0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:38.679
<v Speaker 1>A friend who loves his toys, yeah, like and like

0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:40.800
<v Speaker 1>can spend the whole night on the toys and be

0:13:41.240 --> 0:13:43.960
<v Speaker 1>happy and satisfied. And I've just never been that girl.

0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:46.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, if I just cleaned out my whole for

0:13:46.440 --> 0:13:49.280
<v Speaker 1>like an hour in that back, like, I need the

0:13:49.360 --> 0:13:51.280
<v Speaker 1>dick attech. I want I want the dick, I want

0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:55.400
<v Speaker 1>the picks, I want the booty I want the thighs.

0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:58.360
<v Speaker 2>I want it all on me. It's called ROI return

0:13:58.440 --> 0:14:01.160
<v Speaker 2>on investment. Thank you, thank you. Oh and if you're

0:14:01.160 --> 0:14:02.040
<v Speaker 2>prepping for an hour.

0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:05.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm this is so interesting because some people do take

0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:06.720
<v Speaker 1>it like twenty thirty minutes and others of us.

0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:07.800
<v Speaker 2>Are like an hour.

0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:10.000
<v Speaker 1>And I've talked two different people and I'm like, oh,

0:14:10.040 --> 0:14:12.679
<v Speaker 1>I'm not alone. There are some of us who really are.

0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:15.560
<v Speaker 1>Like I've pooped several times a day all day, got

0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:17.679
<v Speaker 1>the green juices, the fibers, yeah, all of it.

0:14:17.840 --> 0:14:21.000
<v Speaker 2>And it's still it's just spilogy. It's just what it is.

0:14:21.520 --> 0:14:23.600
<v Speaker 1>And I you know, and now I know, like I

0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:25.760
<v Speaker 1>now I have this thing where like I know when

0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:28.760
<v Speaker 1>it's when that's gonna happen, and I also know when

0:14:28.920 --> 0:14:31.160
<v Speaker 1>like yep, we're not we're not bottoming something. Yeah, you know,

0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:34.440
<v Speaker 1>like just like they feel that. Yeah, there's a power

0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:36.560
<v Speaker 1>in knowing your body like that. I will say I

0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:37.840
<v Speaker 1>completely agree.

0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:41.280
<v Speaker 3>Like I think stepping into my queerness, which you know,

0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:44.240
<v Speaker 3>led me to stepping into queer sex, yeah because of

0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:47.200
<v Speaker 3>what you just said, Like to be able to take

0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:50.800
<v Speaker 3>a dick up your ass, Yeah, to engage in anal sex,

0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:52.680
<v Speaker 3>you just have to be a little bit more connected

0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:56.280
<v Speaker 3>with what you're feeling, like being able to do it

0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:59.080
<v Speaker 3>in general. And it just makes me feel very connected

0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:01.560
<v Speaker 3>to my body to say, and I think I think

0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:02.280
<v Speaker 3>I'm better for it.

0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:03.800
<v Speaker 2>I think I am too.

0:15:03.920 --> 0:15:08.880
<v Speaker 1>I wasn't expecting to like learning how to douche really

0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:11.360
<v Speaker 1>then like set off this whole thing about like what

0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:13.360
<v Speaker 1>is my body doing in general?

0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:14.960
<v Speaker 2>And the way that I changed to.

0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:17.360
<v Speaker 1>Talk think about taking care of my body has changed

0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:22.120
<v Speaker 1>completely and I'm just so aware of everything little absolutely,

0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:24.320
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, let's get that check total is that? You know,

0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:26.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm not like not afraid of the doctor.

0:15:26.280 --> 0:15:29.200
<v Speaker 3>I spent quarantine because you know, I moved to Los

0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:33.680
<v Speaker 3>Angeles in twenty eighteen, had two full years without COVID experience.

0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:34.720
<v Speaker 2>LAM so thankful for that.

0:15:35.160 --> 0:15:36.840
<v Speaker 3>And then during quarantine, I was reflecting on a lot

0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:40.080
<v Speaker 3>of stuff and one of those things was my desire

0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:40.760
<v Speaker 3>to bottom more.

0:15:40.960 --> 0:15:41.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:15:41.200 --> 0:15:43.200
<v Speaker 2>I had been so for my whole life and I'm

0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:45.240
<v Speaker 2>still not a huge fan of it. Poop a verse.

0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:48.000
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, And I was like, fuck this, I have I think,

0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:50.320
<v Speaker 3>what's going to be a long time to start getting

0:15:50.360 --> 0:15:53.680
<v Speaker 3>familiar and practice with the douching process. So I spent

0:15:54.160 --> 0:15:57.400
<v Speaker 3>my quarantine practicing how to douche. No one was coming

0:15:57.440 --> 0:15:59.560
<v Speaker 3>over because I was being a good little quarantine boy.

0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:02.520
<v Speaker 3>But I got familiar and I kind of got past

0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:06.200
<v Speaker 3>the at the time, the disgust of like working with

0:16:06.360 --> 0:16:09.800
<v Speaker 3>that area of my body and poop. And it has

0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:12.520
<v Speaker 3>opened up a completely different world.

0:16:12.360 --> 0:16:15.720
<v Speaker 2>For sex for me opened, of course it has. It did. Yeah,

0:16:16.680 --> 0:16:20.360
<v Speaker 2>talk to me nicely to open up even more. But

0:16:20.640 --> 0:16:22.400
<v Speaker 2>very proud of that. I was, like, I was proud

0:16:22.440 --> 0:16:23.600
<v Speaker 2>of that. I watched drag Race.

0:16:23.600 --> 0:16:26.080
<v Speaker 3>I watched season one through whatever current season. There was

0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:27.320
<v Speaker 3>all of it during quarantine.

0:16:27.360 --> 0:16:27.720
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god.

0:16:27.800 --> 0:16:30.000
<v Speaker 1>And I learned to do so that is the gayest,

0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:34.040
<v Speaker 1>the gayest quarantine ever drag Race douche.

0:16:34.240 --> 0:16:39.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I was. I was focused on accomplishments, and I accomplished.

0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:47.720
<v Speaker 2>I love that smash your past swallowing.

0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:51.920
<v Speaker 3>Oh for me, it's a smash because I am not

0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:56.240
<v Speaker 3>engaging in oral sex unless I am very much vibing

0:16:56.320 --> 0:16:58.320
<v Speaker 3>with that person. I'm very particular of who I do

0:16:58.440 --> 0:17:01.000
<v Speaker 3>that with. Ye, So if I'm already doing that, then

0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:03.400
<v Speaker 3>I'm inclined to swallow love.

0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:05.480
<v Speaker 2>It does that make sense? Like I'm not gonna give

0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:08.920
<v Speaker 2>head to just anyone? Tell me what are your criteria

0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:10.840
<v Speaker 2>for somebody who gets ahead from you?

0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:15.000
<v Speaker 3>So it's just it's like an energy thing. Like I'm

0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:18.359
<v Speaker 3>a very kind of charged person and my energy is

0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:21.679
<v Speaker 3>fairly strong, and I love the kind of the dance

0:17:21.760 --> 0:17:24.560
<v Speaker 3>of gay sex and figuring out who's leading, who's following

0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:27.680
<v Speaker 3>ebbs and flows. So for me, it's like if you're

0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:29.960
<v Speaker 3>I mean, ay, if I really love someone, I just

0:17:30.080 --> 0:17:32.160
<v Speaker 3>want all of them. And yeah, that's such a great

0:17:32.320 --> 0:17:35.119
<v Speaker 3>representation of that. Sure, But even just kind of casually,

0:17:35.200 --> 0:17:37.639
<v Speaker 3>it's like, I'm not going to like honor you by

0:17:37.760 --> 0:17:41.399
<v Speaker 3>swallowing your seed if you don't have the masculine like

0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:45.160
<v Speaker 3>or energy that I want to ingest. And I'll say

0:17:45.280 --> 0:17:47.879
<v Speaker 3>energy because I've you know, femininity and masculinity obviously are

0:17:48.640 --> 0:17:50.359
<v Speaker 3>a part of all of us. Yeah, it's just like

0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:52.600
<v Speaker 3>I don't want that part of you in me if

0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:55.600
<v Speaker 3>I don't like buy into what you're giving.

0:17:57.800 --> 0:18:01.280
<v Speaker 2>But you'll but you'll penetrate, you'll still like have penetrative sex, but.

0:18:01.359 --> 0:18:04.879
<v Speaker 3>Just not oral sex or No, that's interesting, No, I

0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:07.880
<v Speaker 3>it kind of applies for both. But yeah, the swallowing

0:18:07.920 --> 0:18:09.920
<v Speaker 3>of it, I'm a little bit more particular with I

0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:12.200
<v Speaker 3>would be for bottoming, which I'm already particular about.

0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:15.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. Yeah, so wait, I want to unpack this, please,

0:18:15.720 --> 0:18:20.120
<v Speaker 1>I need to unpack it. So if you like them,

0:18:20.840 --> 0:18:23.800
<v Speaker 1>you will, all right, let's say back up. If it's

0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:25.720
<v Speaker 1>just somebody you're attracted to, you're not sure if you

0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:28.040
<v Speaker 1>want to swallow their load, but you're attracted to them, yes, right,

0:18:28.440 --> 0:18:29.119
<v Speaker 1>so they can.

0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:31.120
<v Speaker 2>You can penetrate. I can suck your dick, but I'm

0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:32.359
<v Speaker 2>just not taking your load.

0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:35.040
<v Speaker 3>Yes, yeah, I will take your load, whether it's in

0:18:35.200 --> 0:18:39.080
<v Speaker 3>my mouth or my hole, if I actually like you. Yeah,

0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:43.159
<v Speaker 3>it's just like that transfer of energy for me means something,

0:18:44.359 --> 0:18:46.840
<v Speaker 3>especially when you're receiving it, Like I think, you know,

0:18:47.040 --> 0:18:49.880
<v Speaker 3>bottoming is just so much more intimate for me. Yeah,

0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:51.439
<v Speaker 3>it makes I think pretty obvious.

0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:54.400
<v Speaker 2>And so if it's just not something I'm buying into,

0:18:54.480 --> 0:18:56.080
<v Speaker 2>I don't want it, what would make.

0:18:56.119 --> 0:18:59.320
<v Speaker 1>But like, okay, what keeps you from buying in? So

0:18:59.560 --> 0:19:02.080
<v Speaker 1>because you're like, I'm attracted to you, You're here, we're

0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:04.440
<v Speaker 1>fucking we're penetrating, but I'm not bought in.

0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:06.159
<v Speaker 2>So what is the thing that makes you buy in?

0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:07.159
<v Speaker 1>You know?

0:19:07.240 --> 0:19:08.760
<v Speaker 2>How like you like to dance?

0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:10.440
<v Speaker 3>You just said, like when you're on the dance floor

0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:12.760
<v Speaker 3>and you're like kind of going up to people and

0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:15.760
<v Speaker 3>people are going up to you, and then you click

0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:18.879
<v Speaker 3>with someone and it just flows really nicely because that

0:19:19.040 --> 0:19:22.520
<v Speaker 3>person kind of knows they're comfortable with themselves. They might

0:19:22.600 --> 0:19:24.480
<v Speaker 3>not be like like the best, so you think you

0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:27.320
<v Speaker 3>can dance dancer, but they're confident and what they're giving

0:19:27.760 --> 0:19:30.160
<v Speaker 3>and it allows you to kind of just know your

0:19:30.320 --> 0:19:34.080
<v Speaker 3>position with them. It's just it's a confidence thing. It's

0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:37.199
<v Speaker 3>knowing what you're putting out that allows me, especially as

0:19:37.200 --> 0:19:39.639
<v Speaker 3>an actor and someone's a little more sensitive, to just

0:19:39.960 --> 0:19:42.760
<v Speaker 3>understand what my place is with you in this dance

0:19:42.800 --> 0:19:44.520
<v Speaker 3>of it all. So for me it is like, I

0:19:44.600 --> 0:19:48.359
<v Speaker 3>mean there's been femtops, there's been fembottoms, there's been mask tops,

0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.359
<v Speaker 3>mask bottoms, Like I just need you to kind of.

0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:53.640
<v Speaker 2>Have that confidence.

0:19:53.760 --> 0:19:55.800
<v Speaker 3>And for me, you are what you are and like

0:19:55.840 --> 0:19:58.959
<v Speaker 3>you know, we're all learning about who we are. Everything evolves,

0:19:59.000 --> 0:20:01.400
<v Speaker 3>but like when you're stepping into like my room, where

0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:04.240
<v Speaker 3>I'm going into your room, I just that that leading

0:20:04.320 --> 0:20:06.680
<v Speaker 3>with confidence really gets me.

0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:09.560
<v Speaker 1>Is the leading with confidence at all? Like do you

0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:11.520
<v Speaker 1>like them to be a little more domb than you?

0:20:11.760 --> 0:20:15.520
<v Speaker 1>Is that whether which has nothing but feminine, the energy

0:20:15.720 --> 0:20:17.320
<v Speaker 1>is a little more dumb and.

0:20:17.400 --> 0:20:18.880
<v Speaker 2>Sub is that for sure?

0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:23.200
<v Speaker 3>Okay, It's like, especially if I'm bottoming or swallowing, it's

0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:25.920
<v Speaker 3>just I like, because I when I'm a top, I

0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:28.320
<v Speaker 3>think I'm very good in that role. Yeah, because I

0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:30.440
<v Speaker 3>am confident, I kind of know what I want. I

0:20:30.520 --> 0:20:35.120
<v Speaker 3>think I'm really empathetic. I can sense how they're doing

0:20:35.200 --> 0:20:37.920
<v Speaker 3>and I never hesitate to check in, and so I

0:20:38.080 --> 0:20:40.000
<v Speaker 3>know how good I can give it, and so if

0:20:40.000 --> 0:20:41.920
<v Speaker 3>I'm taking it, I want the person giving it to

0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:45.399
<v Speaker 3>be offering something at that kind of same level, you know,

0:20:45.480 --> 0:20:46.800
<v Speaker 3>And this, I think is like that.

0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:50.360
<v Speaker 1>To me feels like the scripture of a verse, which

0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:54.320
<v Speaker 1>is if I know because as a verse doll. If

0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:57.280
<v Speaker 1>I know that I can top and you're not topping

0:20:57.720 --> 0:21:00.720
<v Speaker 1>the way that I know a top and do it,

0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:04.480
<v Speaker 1>then it does like make me a I just don't

0:21:04.480 --> 0:21:05.240
<v Speaker 1>believe the dancing.

0:21:05.720 --> 0:21:08.760
<v Speaker 2>That's exactly. That's exactly, and the same stream of bottomy.

0:21:08.840 --> 0:21:11.920
<v Speaker 1>Like, but if I'm if you're the bottom and I

0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:15.000
<v Speaker 1>just feel like there's not a confidence in that, then

0:21:15.040 --> 0:21:18.359
<v Speaker 1>it's like oh interesting, total. Yeah, It's like I've really

0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:23.640
<v Speaker 1>I've stopped having sex with everybody. Wait, totally no, I like, yes,

0:21:23.760 --> 0:21:27.880
<v Speaker 1>absolutely sorry with anybody, yes, because I obviously wasn't having everybody.

0:21:27.520 --> 0:21:31.800
<v Speaker 2>But I haven't well well, oh, my twenties were different.

0:21:33.200 --> 0:21:35.920
<v Speaker 1>I stopped having sex with just anybody because it used

0:21:35.960 --> 0:21:39.880
<v Speaker 1>to feel like sex was unconsciously but like a place

0:21:39.960 --> 0:21:42.920
<v Speaker 1>of validation in some ways. Oh yeah, and I no

0:21:43.080 --> 0:21:46.159
<v Speaker 1>longer sex is just not a reliable place for me

0:21:46.240 --> 0:21:48.159
<v Speaker 1>to get that validation, way to really learn how to

0:21:48.240 --> 0:21:51.720
<v Speaker 1>get that validation internally. So then when I realized that

0:21:51.840 --> 0:21:54.119
<v Speaker 1>for me, sex, even if I'm never going to see

0:21:54.200 --> 0:21:56.280
<v Speaker 1>you again, has to have some kind of emotional connection,

0:21:57.000 --> 0:21:59.960
<v Speaker 1>then it really kind of changed who I'm going after

0:22:00.240 --> 0:22:02.440
<v Speaker 1>because you could be as hot as I want you

0:22:02.520 --> 0:22:05.080
<v Speaker 1>to be here, as tall as everyone here knows if

0:22:05.080 --> 0:22:06.240
<v Speaker 1>they six three and above.

0:22:06.440 --> 0:22:08.520
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I'm trying to holler.

0:22:09.400 --> 0:22:13.119
<v Speaker 1>If I holler and the connection just doesn't feel or

0:22:13.200 --> 0:22:15.640
<v Speaker 1>there's that, I'm like, oh, it's not going to be good.

0:22:15.720 --> 0:22:16.760
<v Speaker 2>Totally totally.

0:22:16.760 --> 0:22:18.560
<v Speaker 1>I'm just like, I'm not even trying to I'm not

0:22:18.600 --> 0:22:20.280
<v Speaker 1>even gonna pursue this any first.

0:22:20.280 --> 0:22:21.120
<v Speaker 2>And that makes sense.

0:22:21.119 --> 0:22:23.280
<v Speaker 3>I don't know what your like sexual journey has been

0:22:23.400 --> 0:22:27.920
<v Speaker 3>since coming out, or even if you didn't like for me,

0:22:28.040 --> 0:22:30.960
<v Speaker 3>It's like I delayed myself the indulgence of hooking up

0:22:31.000 --> 0:22:34.320
<v Speaker 3>with like with gay in gay sex yea, for so

0:22:34.480 --> 0:22:36.879
<v Speaker 3>long that like when I got to Los Angeles specifically,

0:22:37.560 --> 0:22:41.120
<v Speaker 3>I had to I just felt like a teenager again.

0:22:41.160 --> 0:22:42.920
<v Speaker 3>I had to just learn all of these things and

0:22:43.080 --> 0:22:45.359
<v Speaker 3>like make up for lost time almost. I feel like

0:22:45.400 --> 0:22:47.320
<v Speaker 3>a lot of people in La I live in we

0:22:47.480 --> 0:22:50.520
<v Speaker 3>host West Hollywood, so like that you can just sense it.

0:22:50.600 --> 0:22:53.080
<v Speaker 3>People are just so charged They're finally in this mecca

0:22:53.200 --> 0:22:57.280
<v Speaker 3>of queerness. Yeah, I needed to figure out baseline what

0:22:57.400 --> 0:22:57.680
<v Speaker 3>I like?

0:22:57.800 --> 0:22:58.840
<v Speaker 2>Do I like topping? Do I like?

0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:01.200
<v Speaker 3>Do I like? And I'm glad that I was kind

0:23:01.200 --> 0:23:03.080
<v Speaker 3>of a hoe when I got here because I was

0:23:03.160 --> 0:23:04.200
<v Speaker 3>able to figure out.

0:23:04.240 --> 0:23:08.800
<v Speaker 2>How is data? Hoeing is That's great data, That's exactly it.

0:23:08.880 --> 0:23:13.640
<v Speaker 2>And I collected a lot of data, yeah, well collected

0:23:13.680 --> 0:23:14.320
<v Speaker 2>loads of data.

0:23:14.480 --> 0:23:16.520
<v Speaker 3>But like, at a certain point you have enough data

0:23:16.640 --> 0:23:20.399
<v Speaker 3>to make informed decisions about yourself and what you're looking at.

0:23:20.480 --> 0:23:24.240
<v Speaker 3>And I see so many people not kind of get

0:23:24.280 --> 0:23:26.080
<v Speaker 3>to that checkpoint or get to that checkpoint, but be

0:23:26.200 --> 0:23:28.680
<v Speaker 3>so addicted to the collection of data. And for me,

0:23:28.880 --> 0:23:31.359
<v Speaker 3>I I was like, no, I'm good, I kind of

0:23:31.440 --> 0:23:34.160
<v Speaker 3>know what I like I'm open to, you know, new things,

0:23:34.200 --> 0:23:35.560
<v Speaker 3>but I think new things with a partner, and so

0:23:36.280 --> 0:23:39.440
<v Speaker 3>I stopped also finding validation with sex.

0:23:39.840 --> 0:23:42.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because I was you.

0:23:42.280 --> 0:23:43.920
<v Speaker 1>Know, you can find it's la, you can find the

0:23:43.960 --> 0:23:47.320
<v Speaker 1>most beautiful, sexually charged people, and I did that, and

0:23:47.400 --> 0:23:50.560
<v Speaker 1>it's like at a certain point I had to graduate

0:23:50.680 --> 0:23:55.119
<v Speaker 1>into something else for me, and that next chapter was

0:23:55.840 --> 0:24:01.360
<v Speaker 1>legitimate intimacy. Yes, yeah, yes, because okay, wow, okay, let's

0:24:01.400 --> 0:24:04.560
<v Speaker 1>do this right now, We're about to I'm about to

0:24:04.600 --> 0:24:06.920
<v Speaker 1>do a price stuff. It's because like the like, there's

0:24:06.960 --> 0:24:10.280
<v Speaker 1>nothing wrong with finding validation in sex, like that's part

0:24:10.320 --> 0:24:11.800
<v Speaker 1>of it, and like you know, like, oh I feel

0:24:11.840 --> 0:24:14.400
<v Speaker 1>hot because they find me attracted whatever. Yes, but there

0:24:14.640 --> 0:24:16.920
<v Speaker 1>is I think a limit because if you're if you

0:24:17.080 --> 0:24:19.760
<v Speaker 1>don't actually engage with that and figure out how to

0:24:19.880 --> 0:24:23.200
<v Speaker 1>validate yourself inside of that, then you're always chasing. And

0:24:23.320 --> 0:24:26.480
<v Speaker 1>the I think the it makes sex for me so

0:24:26.680 --> 0:24:30.800
<v Speaker 1>unpleasurable to constantly be in a chase. Chase is cute,

0:24:30.960 --> 0:24:32.960
<v Speaker 1>like you know, like we're at a dance party. Oh

0:24:33.040 --> 0:24:35.359
<v Speaker 1>I kind of like can't like that's fine, but like

0:24:35.440 --> 0:24:39.960
<v Speaker 1>when I'm just chasing sex that to like feel good

0:24:39.960 --> 0:24:42.920
<v Speaker 1>about myself that eventually runs out and then it gets

0:24:42.920 --> 0:24:45.800
<v Speaker 1>a little icky as opposed to intimacy, which is like, oh,

0:24:45.840 --> 0:24:49.359
<v Speaker 1>I'm really actually more interested in the experience, and so

0:24:49.480 --> 0:24:51.480
<v Speaker 1>what is the experience I can have with this person

0:24:51.640 --> 0:24:55.280
<v Speaker 1>or these people at this environment? Like that is that's

0:24:55.359 --> 0:24:58.200
<v Speaker 1>going to say shate and satisfy me because I'm coming

0:24:58.400 --> 0:25:02.280
<v Speaker 1>into it not feeling like I'm missing something. I'm actually

0:25:02.359 --> 0:25:05.760
<v Speaker 1>coming into it bringing something. And maybe that's what we're

0:25:06.080 --> 0:25:08.560
<v Speaker 1>getting at is like the person that we're connecting with

0:25:08.640 --> 0:25:11.240
<v Speaker 1>whose load I'm willing to swallow is somebody who is

0:25:11.320 --> 0:25:14.240
<v Speaker 1>bringing something to the table, as opposed to somebody who's

0:25:14.320 --> 0:25:17.919
<v Speaker 1>like looking for me to forgive the pun fill something for.

0:25:18.040 --> 0:25:20.560
<v Speaker 2>Ye yeah, you know, yeah it's a great pun, thank you. Yeah.

0:25:21.440 --> 0:25:23.520
<v Speaker 1>So you know, there's a different there is a different

0:25:23.840 --> 0:25:30.080
<v Speaker 1>energy in seeking intimacy, experience and building something with someone

0:25:30.280 --> 0:25:33.000
<v Speaker 1>as opposed to looking for them to fix something.

0:25:33.119 --> 0:25:37.280
<v Speaker 3>For sure, the intimacy is so much scarier too, Like terrify,

0:25:37.280 --> 0:25:40.399
<v Speaker 3>I have yet to find my first romantic partner, and

0:25:40.680 --> 0:25:43.040
<v Speaker 3>I feel so ready for that. I'm also like very

0:25:43.200 --> 0:25:46.440
<v Speaker 3>happy being patient and waiting for that right person. There's

0:25:46.440 --> 0:25:49.440
<v Speaker 3>so many benefits of being single and autonomous, especially in

0:25:49.480 --> 0:25:53.920
<v Speaker 3>our industry. Like, but I sensed that in me like

0:25:54.040 --> 0:25:56.040
<v Speaker 3>a year and a half ago that change. I was

0:25:56.160 --> 0:25:58.520
<v Speaker 3>just done collecting the data, like we said, and I

0:25:58.680 --> 0:26:02.119
<v Speaker 3>was looking for more intimate experiences. And that is scary

0:26:02.400 --> 0:26:06.040
<v Speaker 3>because it leads to things that we leads to heartbreak

0:26:06.160 --> 0:26:08.000
<v Speaker 3>for sure that we have known ourselves too, that we

0:26:08.080 --> 0:26:11.439
<v Speaker 3>have experienced by way of like pop stars and other

0:26:11.520 --> 0:26:13.520
<v Speaker 3>people that have experienced it. And I'm like, I'm just

0:26:13.640 --> 0:26:17.000
<v Speaker 3>ready to experience for myself and like understand.

0:26:18.240 --> 0:26:19.600
<v Speaker 2>Just the depth of that.

0:26:19.880 --> 0:26:24.159
<v Speaker 3>And it forced me across the last year to just

0:26:24.440 --> 0:26:26.879
<v Speaker 3>make sure that my behavior was better aligning with that.

0:26:27.240 --> 0:26:29.040
<v Speaker 3>I still love moments, and I do want to talk

0:26:29.080 --> 0:26:32.280
<v Speaker 3>about edging, but I still have moments where you know,

0:26:32.359 --> 0:26:35.240
<v Speaker 3>I get horny and I fall back into the chase

0:26:35.320 --> 0:26:37.639
<v Speaker 3>of it allah, which is just like normal, yeah and

0:26:37.880 --> 0:26:40.600
<v Speaker 3>wonderful and yes, like I think if you're aware of it,

0:26:40.800 --> 0:26:41.320
<v Speaker 3>it's fine.

0:26:41.440 --> 0:26:44.680
<v Speaker 1>I think it's scary, not scary. But like where I

0:26:44.720 --> 0:26:47.119
<v Speaker 1>get concerned or alarm bells is when you're chasing and

0:26:47.160 --> 0:26:49.719
<v Speaker 1>you don't realize correct, Yeah, Like that's when it's like, oh,

0:26:49.760 --> 0:26:53.159
<v Speaker 1>then you start making choices that aren't necessarily beneficial for

0:26:53.280 --> 0:26:56.280
<v Speaker 1>you because you're trying to fill this thing that the

0:26:56.680 --> 0:26:57.320
<v Speaker 1>well is empty.

0:26:57.480 --> 0:26:59.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, we host scary and again like I'm not standing

0:27:00.080 --> 0:27:02.000
<v Speaker 3>on a soapbox being like, oh I've figured it out.

0:27:02.080 --> 0:27:04.159
<v Speaker 2>I'm now we're on ohaman here.

0:27:04.320 --> 0:27:07.600
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's it does change your perspective on certain environments

0:27:07.680 --> 0:27:12.160
<v Speaker 3>that cities offer New York like other cities where there's

0:27:13.000 --> 0:27:16.240
<v Speaker 3>enough queer people to actually have kind of a culture, neighborhoods,

0:27:17.160 --> 0:27:22.159
<v Speaker 3>and it does color the environments different. And so you know,

0:27:22.200 --> 0:27:24.040
<v Speaker 3>I'm glad that I went through them, I had my fun.

0:27:24.240 --> 0:27:27.160
<v Speaker 3>I still frequent them once in a while because it's important,

0:27:27.200 --> 0:27:30.760
<v Speaker 3>but I know that other things exist outside of that,

0:27:30.880 --> 0:27:33.320
<v Speaker 3>and I now demand to be in those spaces.

0:27:34.280 --> 0:27:35.800
<v Speaker 2>I demand to be in this.

0:27:36.080 --> 0:27:36.560
<v Speaker 1>That's to me.

0:27:36.640 --> 0:27:38.320
<v Speaker 3>That's me saying no, thank you, that's me saying I'm

0:27:38.320 --> 0:27:40.359
<v Speaker 3>not going to go to that. I know, I know

0:27:40.600 --> 0:27:42.360
<v Speaker 3>the step and repeat of what's going to happen when

0:27:42.359 --> 0:27:44.320
<v Speaker 3>I go to these gay bars.

0:27:44.400 --> 0:27:46.720
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's empowering.

0:27:47.000 --> 0:27:49.720
<v Speaker 1>It's empowering to demand where you want to be. And

0:27:49.800 --> 0:27:52.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm i in the same way. I you know, I

0:27:52.400 --> 0:27:55.840
<v Speaker 1>used to have the fomo and I no longer have fomo.

0:27:55.960 --> 0:27:58.880
<v Speaker 1>Fomo never like the Homo fomo does not, which I'm

0:27:59.119 --> 0:28:01.760
<v Speaker 1>with that a T shirt does not really exist anymore,

0:28:01.800 --> 0:28:03.560
<v Speaker 1>because I'm like, if I want to be in that space,

0:28:03.640 --> 0:28:05.680
<v Speaker 1>I will make the time to be there, and if

0:28:05.800 --> 0:28:08.400
<v Speaker 1>I don't, if it's if it's not like a fuck,

0:28:08.520 --> 0:28:10.520
<v Speaker 1>yes I want to go to do then I'm like,

0:28:11.040 --> 0:28:13.320
<v Speaker 1>I'm actually really happy to be because I love my

0:28:13.400 --> 0:28:17.680
<v Speaker 1>own company. I love I'm a good sign money, I

0:28:17.880 --> 0:28:20.359
<v Speaker 1>order real good food, I have really good taste in

0:28:20.440 --> 0:28:23.680
<v Speaker 1>TV shows I have. I'm always stocked with weed. Like

0:28:23.720 --> 0:28:26.639
<v Speaker 1>I'm a great date to myself. So I would like,

0:28:26.960 --> 0:28:28.520
<v Speaker 1>if you can't give me a better time than I

0:28:28.560 --> 0:28:30.760
<v Speaker 1>can give myself, that I don't actually need to be there. Yep,

0:28:31.040 --> 0:28:33.080
<v Speaker 1>absolutely honestly put that in the Bible. Girl.

0:28:33.359 --> 0:28:38.959
<v Speaker 3>I think we're writing a new book, the whole Bible,

0:28:39.200 --> 0:28:39.840
<v Speaker 3>the Hoble.

0:28:41.120 --> 0:28:46.320
<v Speaker 1>Maybe you won the game congratulations, Yes, yes, yes, you win.

0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:48.239
<v Speaker 2>My unconditional love because I don't got no money here,

0:28:48.280 --> 0:28:51.320
<v Speaker 2>but listeners.

0:28:51.360 --> 0:28:54.800
<v Speaker 1>If you have any messy games or prompts or stories,

0:28:55.040 --> 0:28:56.840
<v Speaker 1>you can email them to tell me something messy at

0:28:56.920 --> 0:29:00.720
<v Speaker 1>gmail dot com. Your submissions always remain anonymous, just so

0:29:00.800 --> 0:29:05.720
<v Speaker 1>you know. Speaking of which, let's go into MESSI mail. Okay,

0:29:05.720 --> 0:29:09.560
<v Speaker 1>we're gonna we're gonna read some listeners submissions and.

0:29:10.320 --> 0:29:12.600
<v Speaker 2>Give advice or react or I don't know, we'll see it.

0:29:12.920 --> 0:29:18.400
<v Speaker 1>Okay, so the first one says girl, girl, it does

0:29:18.480 --> 0:29:22.880
<v Speaker 1>say girl says girl. Here, I was fucking this guy

0:29:23.000 --> 0:29:26.360
<v Speaker 1>doing our thing. He stopped, pulled out all wide. I

0:29:27.040 --> 0:29:29.480
<v Speaker 1>He's like, what do I do with this? What my

0:29:29.680 --> 0:29:33.680
<v Speaker 1>fucking Nouva ring birth control contra contraption thing was on

0:29:33.880 --> 0:29:37.280
<v Speaker 1>his dick? He said, I guess we are playing ring toss.

0:29:37.680 --> 0:29:37.920
<v Speaker 2>WHOA.

0:29:38.320 --> 0:29:40.040
<v Speaker 1>I took it off his dick, set it on his

0:29:40.160 --> 0:29:43.200
<v Speaker 1>nightstand and continued onto our scheduled programming.

0:29:43.360 --> 0:29:45.400
<v Speaker 2>Oh that's exciting. That's exciting.

0:29:45.440 --> 0:29:48.160
<v Speaker 3>But if the hold on, like if the Neuva rings

0:29:48.360 --> 0:29:51.520
<v Speaker 3>removed during intercourse and you keep going, does that mean

0:29:51.640 --> 0:29:53.600
<v Speaker 3>that you're susceptible to being pregnant?

0:29:53.880 --> 0:29:55.800
<v Speaker 2>Or is it like, you know, I don't know much

0:29:55.840 --> 0:29:58.480
<v Speaker 2>about NEUVERA rings. I forgive me listeners, but I don't

0:29:58.480 --> 0:30:01.120
<v Speaker 2>know anything about a newver ring. I can't answer this question.

0:30:03.600 --> 0:30:05.560
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I'm just saying that they could they I mean,

0:30:05.920 --> 0:30:08.280
<v Speaker 1>by the by the looks of this, they were excited

0:30:08.320 --> 0:30:10.680
<v Speaker 1>to continue going. But that is a really good question

0:30:10.760 --> 0:30:13.600
<v Speaker 1>if the newver Ring is the birth control contraption thing

0:30:13.960 --> 0:30:15.200
<v Speaker 1>and that gets pulled out.

0:30:15.320 --> 0:30:17.680
<v Speaker 3>My assumption is that the new ver Ring is releasing

0:30:17.800 --> 0:30:21.240
<v Speaker 3>chemicals like prep like prep. Yes, I don't take one.

0:30:21.200 --> 0:30:24.840
<v Speaker 2>Pill, You're still still covered for a few days. Yeah.

0:30:25.720 --> 0:30:28.200
<v Speaker 2>So I love that. Yeah, I love that he was

0:30:28.320 --> 0:30:31.280
<v Speaker 2>he made a joke. I love that make a joke

0:30:31.360 --> 0:30:33.360
<v Speaker 2>during sex? Would that turned you on? If that happened,

0:30:33.400 --> 0:30:34.920
<v Speaker 2>it's like a whoopsie is it's kind of awkward? And

0:30:35.000 --> 0:30:38.440
<v Speaker 2>he of course corrects with a joke. Absolutely absolutely, Yeah,

0:30:38.440 --> 0:30:42.800
<v Speaker 2>because like sex, shit happens. Yep, literally literally, yeah, could happen.

0:30:42.920 --> 0:30:46.320
<v Speaker 2>But it's like, you know, when awkward things happen, I think, like,

0:30:46.680 --> 0:30:49.800
<v Speaker 2>we're not important, Like we're two people. It's hilarious.

0:30:50.040 --> 0:30:52.160
<v Speaker 1>Let's make a joke, let's laugh and get back into it.

0:30:52.400 --> 0:30:55.160
<v Speaker 1>I would rather that than us try to ignore it

0:30:55.200 --> 0:30:57.640
<v Speaker 1>and try to stay sex. Yes, like I have like

0:30:57.760 --> 0:30:58.280
<v Speaker 1>what are we doing?

0:30:58.360 --> 0:31:00.560
<v Speaker 3>You said we're not important, which made me think of

0:31:00.720 --> 0:31:03.920
<v Speaker 3>because I've hooked up with some creators of porn. It

0:31:04.040 --> 0:31:06.280
<v Speaker 3>is a different dance with them because they are so

0:31:06.560 --> 0:31:09.480
<v Speaker 3>used to the production of it that if if something

0:31:09.600 --> 0:31:11.800
<v Speaker 3>like that happened, which it has in my you know,

0:31:12.120 --> 0:31:12.680
<v Speaker 3>my own ways.

0:31:12.760 --> 0:31:15.840
<v Speaker 2>I don't have a neuver ring in me yet. Yes,

0:31:16.920 --> 0:31:17.160
<v Speaker 2>it is.

0:31:17.400 --> 0:31:22.800
<v Speaker 3>It's almost like interesting how they like move past that awkwardness.

0:31:22.840 --> 0:31:25.600
<v Speaker 3>It's just different than making a joke like as It's

0:31:25.680 --> 0:31:28.080
<v Speaker 3>just different. It's just like, it's okay, we're not being filmed.

0:31:28.080 --> 0:31:29.320
<v Speaker 2>This is not like a job right now.

0:31:30.560 --> 0:31:32.600
<v Speaker 3>This is you know, And I'll make the joke if

0:31:32.640 --> 0:31:36.160
<v Speaker 3>someone else isn't because I'm very funny obviously hilarious, but

0:31:36.160 --> 0:31:38.440
<v Speaker 3>you know, it's like that is incredibly attractive. I like

0:31:38.560 --> 0:31:39.960
<v Speaker 3>that it didn't like freak them out.

0:31:40.000 --> 0:31:40.240
<v Speaker 2>It is.

0:31:42.000 --> 0:31:45.320
<v Speaker 1>Husband Mary, I mean, or or whatever or dating long

0:31:45.400 --> 0:31:47.320
<v Speaker 1>term whatever it is. The never ring popped up for

0:31:47.360 --> 0:31:54.240
<v Speaker 1>a reason. Wow, that's hilarious. I'm going to get you

0:31:54.360 --> 0:31:57.880
<v Speaker 1>anal Bes maneuver ring. That's got to get that's your Christmas.

0:31:57.920 --> 0:31:58.600
<v Speaker 2>I got you, baby.

0:31:58.840 --> 0:32:03.080
<v Speaker 1>Okay, this what's I encourage my best friend slash roommate,

0:32:03.240 --> 0:32:06.560
<v Speaker 1>slash unrequited crush to hit on a man at the

0:32:06.640 --> 0:32:07.840
<v Speaker 1>club the other night.

0:32:09.080 --> 0:32:10.760
<v Speaker 2>Oh, have you ever had a crush on somebody and

0:32:10.960 --> 0:32:13.760
<v Speaker 2>like sent them out to like flirt with someone? I

0:32:13.800 --> 0:32:14.560
<v Speaker 2>guess because it's.

0:32:14.400 --> 0:32:16.040
<v Speaker 1>Like your friend and your roommate like have you had

0:32:16.040 --> 0:32:17.800
<v Speaker 1>a crush on a friend. I mean, the gays have

0:32:17.880 --> 0:32:19.680
<v Speaker 1>always had a crush on their friends. I always feel

0:32:19.680 --> 0:32:22.560
<v Speaker 1>like gay relations, gay friendships, to me, a lot of

0:32:22.640 --> 0:32:25.760
<v Speaker 1>times start with attraction, attract each other, and you're like

0:32:26.000 --> 0:32:27.640
<v Speaker 1>you poke it, like, oh I don't actually want that.

0:32:27.760 --> 0:32:29.680
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and you can literally even like I've hooked up

0:32:29.720 --> 0:32:31.400
<v Speaker 3>with a few people that are now very good friends

0:32:31.760 --> 0:32:32.400
<v Speaker 3>going to dates.

0:32:32.520 --> 0:32:34.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Yeah, it's just you know, it is who it is.

0:32:35.000 --> 0:32:36.719
<v Speaker 3>And you know, I know a bunch of straights who

0:32:36.800 --> 0:32:40.200
<v Speaker 3>do that too, I guess, yeah, yeah, I the only

0:32:40.400 --> 0:32:41.840
<v Speaker 3>for me. It's like, I'm trying to be a lot

0:32:41.880 --> 0:32:44.680
<v Speaker 3>more strategic with the people that I like, because I've

0:32:44.760 --> 0:32:47.600
<v Speaker 3>mentioned earlier that I'm just I'm interested in dating. I'm

0:32:47.640 --> 0:32:50.440
<v Speaker 3>interested in finding and locking something down that's more intimate,

0:32:50.920 --> 0:32:53.760
<v Speaker 3>and I've recently realized that I need to be as

0:32:53.880 --> 0:32:56.640
<v Speaker 3>strategic with my romantic life as I am with my

0:32:57.200 --> 0:32:59.840
<v Speaker 3>like business in normal life. Sure, because it's just like

0:33:00.280 --> 0:33:02.320
<v Speaker 3>the Hollywood, it's just going to fall onto your lap

0:33:02.440 --> 0:33:05.720
<v Speaker 3>might happen, but I can have more control over it

0:33:05.800 --> 0:33:08.600
<v Speaker 3>than I want. Yeah, So hearing this story sometimes there's

0:33:08.640 --> 0:33:11.000
<v Speaker 3>a little strategy and being like I like this guy,

0:33:11.240 --> 0:33:14.080
<v Speaker 3>or this girl and like we're vibing, showing them a

0:33:14.160 --> 0:33:17.320
<v Speaker 3>little like freedom. They're like, you know, it's it's not

0:33:17.440 --> 0:33:20.360
<v Speaker 3>playing so easy to get. Yeah, I'll flirt with that person.

0:33:20.440 --> 0:33:23.320
<v Speaker 3>It just kind of maybe reminds them of how good

0:33:23.400 --> 0:33:25.600
<v Speaker 3>it is that we have. Sure, you know, it's being

0:33:25.640 --> 0:33:27.400
<v Speaker 3>like an It's like in an open relationship, if you

0:33:27.440 --> 0:33:30.480
<v Speaker 3>trust someone and you've got something solid, going off and

0:33:30.560 --> 0:33:33.760
<v Speaker 3>playing with someone is gonna be nice. But it almost

0:33:34.080 --> 0:33:37.800
<v Speaker 3>reminds you of the stability and the Yeah, that's very true.

0:33:37.840 --> 0:33:40.080
<v Speaker 1>I think that's the hard I'm in a poly relationship,

0:33:40.120 --> 0:33:43.280
<v Speaker 1>and I think the hottest part of it is watching

0:33:43.920 --> 0:33:48.400
<v Speaker 1>my partners get hit on or people because it's.

0:33:48.320 --> 0:33:50.240
<v Speaker 2>Just like oh yeah, like and I don't like go

0:33:50.360 --> 0:33:51.959
<v Speaker 2>make up with them, go fuck them. I don't care.

0:33:52.040 --> 0:33:54.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because you're gonna come back, Yeah, totally, and like

0:33:54.800 --> 0:33:56.680
<v Speaker 1>we're good, you will come back, You will come back. Yes,

0:33:57.080 --> 0:34:00.320
<v Speaker 1>we have some papers that are sign that you have love.

0:34:00.480 --> 0:34:03.200
<v Speaker 3>Like when I like someone and they are like the

0:34:03.360 --> 0:34:05.600
<v Speaker 3>world or other people in my environment are seeing the

0:34:05.680 --> 0:34:09.000
<v Speaker 3>reasons why I like them and why we're roommates or

0:34:09.000 --> 0:34:11.719
<v Speaker 3>why we're you know, crushing on each other. It's you know,

0:34:11.800 --> 0:34:14.359
<v Speaker 3>it's validating in that way. It shouldn't be the only

0:34:14.440 --> 0:34:17.160
<v Speaker 3>source of validation obviously, but like, I love that it's like, no,

0:34:17.280 --> 0:34:19.480
<v Speaker 3>you're attractive to other people besides me. That makes me

0:34:19.600 --> 0:34:20.560
<v Speaker 3>more attracted to you too.

0:34:20.840 --> 0:34:21.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I get that.

0:34:22.320 --> 0:34:24.440
<v Speaker 1>I just hate that it's an unrequited love because it

0:34:24.760 --> 0:34:27.800
<v Speaker 1>tells me that it's like you haven't told them.

0:34:28.600 --> 0:34:32.759
<v Speaker 2>Which that word is familiar to me, unrequired Shakespeare. Do

0:34:32.800 --> 0:34:34.000
<v Speaker 2>you see why I skip that word to it.

0:34:35.200 --> 0:34:39.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's a scary. It's scared to love somebody and

0:34:39.920 --> 0:34:41.960
<v Speaker 1>not have it come back. We're not sure if it's

0:34:41.960 --> 0:34:42.799
<v Speaker 1>going to come back or.

0:34:42.920 --> 0:34:45.080
<v Speaker 2>They or they don't love you. That I know it's

0:34:45.120 --> 0:34:45.840
<v Speaker 2>even scarier.

0:34:46.000 --> 0:34:48.239
<v Speaker 3>And that's completely true that, like all of this is

0:34:48.280 --> 0:34:52.239
<v Speaker 3>scary for me, it's knowing that we we definitely both

0:34:52.320 --> 0:34:52.920
<v Speaker 3>love each other.

0:34:53.040 --> 0:34:57.320
<v Speaker 2>Uh huh. But there is a detail in terms of

0:34:57.360 --> 0:35:00.520
<v Speaker 2>our sexuality and what we label our sexuality as that

0:35:00.680 --> 0:35:02.800
<v Speaker 2>prevents us from going into romantic territory.

0:35:03.239 --> 0:35:03.480
<v Speaker 1>I e.

0:35:03.640 --> 0:35:05.040
<v Speaker 3>And I think a lot of people can relate to this.

0:35:05.560 --> 0:35:09.040
<v Speaker 3>I'm queer and you are straight. But there's such a

0:35:09.120 --> 0:35:13.920
<v Speaker 3>powerful force between us. We see that everyone sees and feels,

0:35:14.400 --> 0:35:17.280
<v Speaker 3>but because of the label, which you know, the labels

0:35:17.360 --> 0:35:19.640
<v Speaker 3>might be true like that is, I'm not I don't

0:35:19.680 --> 0:35:21.840
<v Speaker 3>have the time to like help you switch your labels

0:35:21.840 --> 0:35:22.239
<v Speaker 3>in that way.

0:35:22.520 --> 0:35:24.799
<v Speaker 2>I simply don't have the time. I'm busy. I'm busy.

0:35:25.239 --> 0:35:29.760
<v Speaker 3>It is just so interesting having experienced a romance basically

0:35:29.920 --> 0:35:32.160
<v Speaker 3>that is that has like a kind of a stopper

0:35:32.239 --> 0:35:35.600
<v Speaker 3>to it because of that label. And I've talked about

0:35:35.600 --> 0:35:37.359
<v Speaker 3>this on my Instagram. I wrote a little a letter

0:35:37.400 --> 0:35:39.640
<v Speaker 3>from griff about falling in love with straight man. Yeah,

0:35:39.719 --> 0:35:42.520
<v Speaker 3>because it happened, it had it has happened to me

0:35:42.640 --> 0:35:45.480
<v Speaker 3>multiple times before I realized what I deserved. And when

0:35:45.480 --> 0:35:48.719
<v Speaker 3>I posted that, a lot of my queer friends resonated

0:35:48.800 --> 0:35:51.560
<v Speaker 3>with that because they're safe to love because you know.

0:35:51.960 --> 0:35:53.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm never going to return it exactly.

0:35:53.320 --> 0:35:55.480
<v Speaker 1>Yes, absolutely, and so yeah, I think a lot of

0:35:55.480 --> 0:35:57.640
<v Speaker 1>people do we do that with. I think queer folks

0:35:57.680 --> 0:35:59.359
<v Speaker 1>can do that with with somebody who's straight. I think

0:35:59.400 --> 0:36:01.839
<v Speaker 1>it also happened with people who are attracted to someone

0:36:01.840 --> 0:36:04.120
<v Speaker 1>who's in a relationship with the cheating that stuff where

0:36:04.120 --> 0:36:07.520
<v Speaker 1>you're like, oh, there's a safety and not in knowing

0:36:07.600 --> 0:36:09.719
<v Speaker 1>that they can't return that love. And so that's why

0:36:09.760 --> 0:36:12.719
<v Speaker 1>we pursue it as opposed to putting yourself out there

0:36:12.760 --> 0:36:15.920
<v Speaker 1>for a real Yeah, I wouldn't say a real love,

0:36:16.000 --> 0:36:18.080
<v Speaker 1>but a relationship that.

0:36:18.080 --> 0:36:21.840
<v Speaker 2>Actually could go somewhere totally. Yeah, it's far more terrifying.

0:36:22.440 --> 0:36:25.080
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, human nature. I feel like to chase down stuff.

0:36:25.080 --> 0:36:26.720
<v Speaker 3>I mean we see it in like movies.

0:36:27.000 --> 0:36:30.239
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, just show it's so romanticizing movies. But it's like girl,

0:36:30.400 --> 0:36:33.520
<v Speaker 1>love yourself totally. But it's like to to your word earlier,

0:36:33.640 --> 0:36:36.960
<v Speaker 1>the chase of it is like that is it's it's

0:36:37.000 --> 0:36:38.840
<v Speaker 1>okay to chase. It's just a matter of being like

0:36:38.960 --> 0:36:42.160
<v Speaker 1>and this happened with this person that I'm talking about

0:36:42.239 --> 0:36:45.360
<v Speaker 1>and will foosball in the name. But like at a

0:36:45.440 --> 0:36:47.719
<v Speaker 1>certain point, I just like literally had an out of

0:36:47.760 --> 0:36:50.200
<v Speaker 1>body moment by white acid and I was like, I

0:36:50.520 --> 0:36:54.600
<v Speaker 1>have to I have to start like giving myself what

0:36:54.719 --> 0:36:55.280
<v Speaker 1>I deserve.

0:36:56.080 --> 0:37:00.000
<v Speaker 3>And it changed a lot. Yeah, but it also didn't chat,

0:37:00.360 --> 0:37:03.520
<v Speaker 3>which it makes it even more confusing. But just having

0:37:03.600 --> 0:37:06.239
<v Speaker 3>that perspective for what I deserve changed a lot for me,

0:37:06.400 --> 0:37:09.000
<v Speaker 3>and it like really just felt good.

0:37:09.239 --> 0:37:12.680
<v Speaker 1>That is the work, ultimately, I think for all of

0:37:12.800 --> 0:37:15.600
<v Speaker 1>us is there's so much I think this is for

0:37:15.800 --> 0:37:19.120
<v Speaker 1>women and for queer folks specifically and bipoc right, It's

0:37:19.160 --> 0:37:23.160
<v Speaker 1>that like we're taught and trained to be of service

0:37:23.239 --> 0:37:25.920
<v Speaker 1>to others, to provide for others productive, so all of

0:37:25.960 --> 0:37:28.560
<v Speaker 1>our worth comes from how well we can take care

0:37:28.600 --> 0:37:32.200
<v Speaker 1>of others and the validation from others, and needing to

0:37:32.440 --> 0:37:34.640
<v Speaker 1>switch that and put the mirror in your face and

0:37:34.760 --> 0:37:35.680
<v Speaker 1>be like, wait, do I like this?

0:37:35.960 --> 0:37:37.800
<v Speaker 2>Do I love this? What do I think I deserve?

0:37:38.080 --> 0:37:40.640
<v Speaker 1>And then really setting those boundaries, like you can chase,

0:37:40.760 --> 0:37:43.840
<v Speaker 1>but there are limits to that chase. A very small

0:37:43.880 --> 0:37:45.800
<v Speaker 1>example of that is I was at a party and

0:37:45.880 --> 0:37:47.560
<v Speaker 1>I was talking to a guy who was very cute,

0:37:47.600 --> 0:37:49.520
<v Speaker 1>and there was a vibe there, but then as a

0:37:49.560 --> 0:37:52.319
<v Speaker 1>night progressed, it was like, oh, there's a vibe here,

0:37:52.400 --> 0:37:54.879
<v Speaker 1>but you're not necessarily giving back as much.

0:37:55.080 --> 0:37:57.000
<v Speaker 2>So then I'm I'm going to move on.

0:37:57.200 --> 0:37:59.560
<v Speaker 1>And I moved on and found another beautiful man who

0:37:59.680 --> 0:38:02.000
<v Speaker 1>was like but it was like, oh, an old version

0:38:02.080 --> 0:38:06.719
<v Speaker 1>of me would have like still tried to like it, like, oh,

0:38:06.840 --> 0:38:09.640
<v Speaker 1>like no, there has to be a push and pull,

0:38:09.880 --> 0:38:14.120
<v Speaker 1>give and take in the chase, otherwise it's not totally I.

0:38:14.160 --> 0:38:16.120
<v Speaker 2>Feel like yeah, for sure, I mean, god, we could

0:38:16.120 --> 0:38:23.640
<v Speaker 2>go on and we could on we could Okay, this

0:38:23.800 --> 0:38:27.960
<v Speaker 2>last one this is your submission, oh, my submission or

0:38:28.000 --> 0:38:28.680
<v Speaker 2>my emission?

0:38:28.760 --> 0:38:37.080
<v Speaker 1>Well ooh ooh words, So this one is so grim.

0:38:37.360 --> 0:38:39.960
<v Speaker 1>You sent me a screenshot from which app?

0:38:40.160 --> 0:38:40.279
<v Speaker 2>Was it?

0:38:40.480 --> 0:38:43.399
<v Speaker 3>This is Sniffy's. Because I got off of Grinder months ago.

0:38:43.960 --> 0:38:45.840
<v Speaker 3>I was like, I'm off Grinder, I'm in a new chapter.

0:38:46.160 --> 0:38:49.360
<v Speaker 3>I'm a fucking hero every years. Yeah, and then I

0:38:49.680 --> 0:38:52.000
<v Speaker 3>quickly got on too Sniffys, which is like trading out

0:38:52.239 --> 0:38:56.000
<v Speaker 3>Heroin for math at this point. But Sniffy's has actually

0:38:56.000 --> 0:38:57.880
<v Speaker 3>been interesting because it is less. It is not a

0:38:57.960 --> 0:39:00.320
<v Speaker 3>dating app, it's a cruising app. So I find myself

0:39:00.400 --> 0:39:04.360
<v Speaker 3>less confused by my interactions because everyone's correct and so,

0:39:04.480 --> 0:39:06.680
<v Speaker 3>and I don't use it as much as Grinder because

0:39:06.800 --> 0:39:09.480
<v Speaker 3>of that reason. Like I'm just I'm evolving out of

0:39:09.560 --> 0:39:12.600
<v Speaker 3>something that I was like rooted in before. So Sniffy'

0:39:12.640 --> 0:39:15.319
<v Speaker 3>has been cool. I see I see a future where

0:39:15.360 --> 0:39:17.560
<v Speaker 3>that's just not really part of my life sure at all,

0:39:17.600 --> 0:39:20.759
<v Speaker 3>But currently I'm on it and yeah, someone messaged me.

0:39:21.360 --> 0:39:23.400
<v Speaker 2>I sent it to you, yes, and so the the

0:39:23.640 --> 0:39:29.680
<v Speaker 2>the interaction was them saying getting some action on and off?

0:39:30.320 --> 0:39:31.120
<v Speaker 2>I said on and off.

0:39:31.239 --> 0:39:33.520
<v Speaker 1>You said on and off, and then you asked them

0:39:33.640 --> 0:39:36.960
<v Speaker 1>you you yep, and they said rarely yes. And then

0:39:37.040 --> 0:39:39.359
<v Speaker 1>you said and I almost knew what they were getting at.

0:39:39.440 --> 0:39:43.759
<v Speaker 1>And you had mentioned earlier something about the expectations between sorry,

0:39:43.800 --> 0:39:47.960
<v Speaker 1>the expectations behind being bipoc and queer and just bipock

0:39:48.000 --> 0:39:52.040
<v Speaker 1>in general, the world in certain sexual instances, and I

0:39:52.120 --> 0:39:54.200
<v Speaker 1>knew exactly what this person was getting I felt it,

0:39:54.360 --> 0:39:55.719
<v Speaker 1>you felt it, and he said.

0:39:55.640 --> 0:39:56.080
<v Speaker 2>He said.

0:39:56.400 --> 0:39:58.600
<v Speaker 1>I asked him why us why and he said, only

0:39:58.680 --> 0:40:01.200
<v Speaker 1>a handful are looking for a black bottom.

0:40:01.960 --> 0:40:03.880
<v Speaker 3>And I knew he was gonna say that. Obviously, his

0:40:04.360 --> 0:40:07.520
<v Speaker 3>profile picture was back arched jock on. He looked great,

0:40:07.680 --> 0:40:09.520
<v Speaker 3>and I was. I knew exactly what he was marching

0:40:09.560 --> 0:40:12.320
<v Speaker 3>towards because a lot of people see my profile, and

0:40:12.400 --> 0:40:16.000
<v Speaker 3>because I'm prettier or more feminine looking, they think I'm

0:40:16.040 --> 0:40:19.239
<v Speaker 3>a bottom just by my photos, and I'm verse, and.

0:40:19.560 --> 0:40:23.800
<v Speaker 1>My boyfriend has that he has a softer face, so

0:40:23.920 --> 0:40:27.239
<v Speaker 1>everyone and a fat ass. Everyone assumes fat as fat as,

0:40:27.360 --> 0:40:30.040
<v Speaker 1>everyone assumes that he's a bottom. Yes, I mean, he's verse,

0:40:30.120 --> 0:40:31.120
<v Speaker 1>but that's a top.

0:40:31.200 --> 0:40:35.360
<v Speaker 2>Girl. It's just so hard being pretty, you pretty girls,

0:40:35.440 --> 0:40:38.280
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, but difficult. It goes to like the pretty,

0:40:38.440 --> 0:40:40.600
<v Speaker 2>the black, the tall.

0:40:40.760 --> 0:40:43.000
<v Speaker 3>Talls for instance, like, oh, you're a top because you're

0:40:43.000 --> 0:40:44.440
<v Speaker 3>six five, you know, Actually I like to.

0:40:44.440 --> 0:40:47.520
<v Speaker 1>Take most most of my bottoms are tall bottom. Most

0:40:47.560 --> 0:40:49.480
<v Speaker 1>of my bottoms are six four big.

0:40:49.640 --> 0:40:51.600
<v Speaker 2>Yes, I like a I like a guy who can

0:40:52.400 --> 0:40:55.360
<v Speaker 2>handle a little bit. I always say that.

0:40:55.560 --> 0:40:58.600
<v Speaker 1>I always say, the more muscular they are, the more

0:40:58.600 --> 0:41:01.439
<v Speaker 1>of a bottom they are. They're built to those big

0:41:01.600 --> 0:41:06.239
<v Speaker 1>jim boys. They want that dickam and I've experienced that too.

0:41:06.320 --> 0:41:08.480
<v Speaker 3>It's kind of the expectation of like what people are

0:41:08.560 --> 0:41:11.920
<v Speaker 3>looking for from me and obviously him on these apps,

0:41:11.960 --> 0:41:15.040
<v Speaker 3>which is like the BBC, the big black cock of

0:41:15.080 --> 0:41:17.120
<v Speaker 3>it all, which I literally just had an interaction about.

0:41:17.400 --> 0:41:19.600
<v Speaker 3>Actually I didn't because I was just like, I've stopped

0:41:19.640 --> 0:41:19.880
<v Speaker 3>kind of.

0:41:22.480 --> 0:41:23.080
<v Speaker 2>So interesting.

0:41:23.200 --> 0:41:24.840
<v Speaker 3>I'd be curious to hear what your thoughts are on that.

0:41:24.960 --> 0:41:27.880
<v Speaker 3>But yeah, it just really struck me. I knew I

0:41:28.000 --> 0:41:29.960
<v Speaker 3>was coming in to record with you, and I was

0:41:30.120 --> 0:41:34.879
<v Speaker 3>just really curious. I guess what your experience has been

0:41:35.640 --> 0:41:38.560
<v Speaker 3>with not only strangers, but like I guess just courtships

0:41:38.600 --> 0:41:43.600
<v Speaker 3>in general, and the expectations behind what people think were

0:41:43.680 --> 0:41:47.080
<v Speaker 3>meant to be in bed as perpetuated. I think by

0:41:47.160 --> 0:41:50.480
<v Speaker 3>porn and Hollywood and the kind of like yeah, just

0:41:50.560 --> 0:41:51.600
<v Speaker 3>the stereotypes that.

0:41:53.080 --> 0:41:56.399
<v Speaker 2>And a lot of people, Yeah, okay, let's yeah, we're

0:41:56.440 --> 0:41:56.880
<v Speaker 2>going to do this.

0:41:58.800 --> 0:42:01.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm I was glad when I when not glad about

0:42:01.840 --> 0:42:04.320
<v Speaker 1>the interaction, but I was like, oh, yeah, this is

0:42:05.040 --> 0:42:07.239
<v Speaker 1>this is something that needs to be talked about, but

0:42:07.400 --> 0:42:10.680
<v Speaker 1>like in what forum because it's so nuanced and complicated

0:42:10.800 --> 0:42:12.480
<v Speaker 1>and get a little spicy, and so I just want

0:42:12.520 --> 0:42:15.400
<v Speaker 1>to say to the listeners, let's remind you these mandates.

0:42:15.440 --> 0:42:17.680
<v Speaker 1>Anything said, it has the right to evolve, shift and change.

0:42:17.800 --> 0:42:20.200
<v Speaker 1>And this show is messy, so things will be said

0:42:20.200 --> 0:42:22.360
<v Speaker 1>imperfectly and we'll do our best to kind of navigate it.

0:42:22.400 --> 0:42:23.879
<v Speaker 1>So if you also, if you have a foosball moment,

0:42:23.960 --> 0:42:26.440
<v Speaker 1>email obviously you know this isn't having live so email

0:42:27.560 --> 0:42:30.240
<v Speaker 1>or message and I will address it in a later episode.

0:42:30.960 --> 0:42:34.840
<v Speaker 1>I relate to this because I have I experienced this

0:42:35.960 --> 0:42:40.840
<v Speaker 1>where I'm six one about one eighty eighty five, but

0:42:41.000 --> 0:42:44.400
<v Speaker 1>I'm verse now, but for a lot of my sexual

0:42:44.560 --> 0:42:48.839
<v Speaker 1>history have been a bottom okay and yeah it's yeah

0:42:48.880 --> 0:42:53.640
<v Speaker 1>girl at and I've had to do a lot of

0:42:53.800 --> 0:42:56.800
<v Speaker 1>work around bottom shame and earning it. But yes, my

0:42:56.880 --> 0:43:00.439
<v Speaker 1>experience is that when people see me, they want a top. Yeah,

0:43:01.480 --> 0:43:06.560
<v Speaker 1>and that like even even the person who's on grinders

0:43:06.600 --> 0:43:10.160
<v Speaker 1>saying they're a top, I message them suddenly they want to.

0:43:10.160 --> 0:43:12.880
<v Speaker 2>Bottom literally.

0:43:14.360 --> 0:43:16.520
<v Speaker 1>Little while like they're a profile, will say the top

0:43:16.640 --> 0:43:18.919
<v Speaker 1>or verse top, and I will reach out and they'll

0:43:18.920 --> 0:43:20.120
<v Speaker 1>be like, can you taught me?

0:43:20.200 --> 0:43:23.080
<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, oh yeah, I yeah, yeah, but I

0:43:23.160 --> 0:43:24.520
<v Speaker 2>was reaching out to you because.

0:43:24.280 --> 0:43:29.680
<v Speaker 1>Because you're on top literally he said, you're not top, mindsets,

0:43:29.760 --> 0:43:31.680
<v Speaker 1>verse or something to say anything at all, But yeah,

0:43:31.719 --> 0:43:34.440
<v Speaker 1>there is a and I think that that is a

0:43:34.560 --> 0:43:36.279
<v Speaker 1>complete correlation to fetishism.

0:43:36.360 --> 0:43:39.480
<v Speaker 2>So yes, I should also specify that my relationship with.

0:43:39.680 --> 0:43:43.600
<v Speaker 1>Non black people and black people are different completely. So

0:43:43.719 --> 0:43:49.040
<v Speaker 1>when I'm with black people, there are black men. The

0:43:49.239 --> 0:43:53.560
<v Speaker 1>nuance here is that my femininity becomes an issue. Interesting,

0:43:53.719 --> 0:43:56.120
<v Speaker 1>So the thing I I bump up against when I

0:43:56.239 --> 0:44:00.640
<v Speaker 1>am talking to a black man most all the time,

0:44:00.719 --> 0:44:03.279
<v Speaker 1>but a lot of times is my femininity. Yes, And

0:44:03.400 --> 0:44:06.359
<v Speaker 1>so the desire because because whether we and I kind

0:44:06.360 --> 0:44:09.160
<v Speaker 1>of scarcious with you, but like inside of the community,

0:44:09.280 --> 0:44:11.279
<v Speaker 1>there's still a lot of homophobia, and we were all

0:44:11.440 --> 0:44:13.960
<v Speaker 1>raised in it, we're indoctrinated in it, and so there

0:44:14.320 --> 0:44:18.759
<v Speaker 1>is I remember months ago I saw a TikTok with

0:44:18.920 --> 0:44:23.960
<v Speaker 1>this young black man who is a femme as could

0:44:24.000 --> 0:44:25.840
<v Speaker 1>be absolutely.

0:44:25.840 --> 0:44:27.520
<v Speaker 2>And this video was him.

0:44:28.920 --> 0:44:33.120
<v Speaker 1>Uh ridiculing trans women, and I was like, Oh, isn't

0:44:33.160 --> 0:44:37.000
<v Speaker 1>this interesting. You are somebody who would be ridiculed in

0:44:37.120 --> 0:44:41.000
<v Speaker 1>the community as being a feminine black gay man, and

0:44:41.160 --> 0:44:43.000
<v Speaker 1>you're here ridiculing.

0:44:42.800 --> 0:44:43.680
<v Speaker 2>Black trans women.

0:44:44.200 --> 0:44:47.279
<v Speaker 1>The oppressor becoming the oppressed becoming oppressors, right, And so

0:44:47.400 --> 0:44:50.240
<v Speaker 1>it's like, oh, this is what is the value inside

0:44:50.280 --> 0:44:52.520
<v Speaker 1>of our community, which tends to be around a lot

0:44:52.560 --> 0:44:55.960
<v Speaker 1>of masculinity, and like, you can be gay, but don't

0:44:56.000 --> 0:44:58.080
<v Speaker 1>be the one taking it in the butt, right. You

0:44:58.160 --> 0:45:00.680
<v Speaker 1>can be gay, but don't be like over there. And

0:45:00.800 --> 0:45:06.239
<v Speaker 1>this idea that femininity or transness or non binariness is

0:45:06.440 --> 0:45:09.680
<v Speaker 1>somehow immediately whiteness. So that's the thing what I come

0:45:09.760 --> 0:45:14.960
<v Speaker 1>up against in uh in in our community spaces, when

0:45:14.960 --> 0:45:16.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm dealing with people who are non black, what I

0:45:17.040 --> 0:45:20.000
<v Speaker 1>come up against is similar, Like they want the masculinity,

0:45:20.040 --> 0:45:23.080
<v Speaker 1>but it's more so they want me to top penetrate them,

0:45:23.120 --> 0:45:25.960
<v Speaker 1>penetrate them as opposed to being a bottom. And I

0:45:26.080 --> 0:45:27.440
<v Speaker 1>have had the experience with you have to cut in

0:45:27.520 --> 0:45:29.760
<v Speaker 1>half where like if they do want me to bottom,

0:45:30.200 --> 0:45:33.439
<v Speaker 1>not all the time, clearly, but there has been even

0:45:33.480 --> 0:45:37.440
<v Speaker 1>more fetishization around that too, where it's like now it's like, yeah,

0:45:37.480 --> 0:45:41.440
<v Speaker 1>I want you my black boy, a submissive slave boy.

0:45:41.560 --> 0:45:46.200
<v Speaker 1>Like I've had people say that, You're like, oh, so,

0:45:46.360 --> 0:45:49.560
<v Speaker 1>like it is a mind all that to express it.

0:45:49.640 --> 0:45:52.719
<v Speaker 1>It is a mine field, mindfield to be at the

0:45:52.760 --> 0:45:55.719
<v Speaker 1>intersections of your race and your sexual orientation and your

0:45:55.760 --> 0:45:59.279
<v Speaker 1>gender expression. And I think it's especially a minefield if

0:45:59.360 --> 0:46:03.360
<v Speaker 1>you are like in Los Angeles or New York and

0:46:03.480 --> 0:46:05.279
<v Speaker 1>you're in the industry, and so you tend to just

0:46:05.480 --> 0:46:09.000
<v Speaker 1>work around and exist. Like if you pull up my

0:46:09.200 --> 0:46:14.640
<v Speaker 1>grid where I live in in Hollywood, it's it's predominantly white.

0:46:14.760 --> 0:46:17.280
<v Speaker 1>That's not like I can scroll and scroll and scroll

0:46:17.680 --> 0:46:19.920
<v Speaker 1>and it's predominantly still gonna be a lot of white boys.

0:46:20.560 --> 0:46:24.719
<v Speaker 1>And so even just like the options there are are

0:46:24.840 --> 0:46:28.920
<v Speaker 1>are something to navigate right going to West Hollywood, like, yes,

0:46:29.000 --> 0:46:32.200
<v Speaker 1>there are black people there, but like predominantly you know,

0:46:32.280 --> 0:46:34.520
<v Speaker 1>it's like totally when I'm thinking about hitting on somebody,

0:46:35.800 --> 0:46:40.000
<v Speaker 1>it's just usually the black people there are my friends, yeah, exactly,

0:46:40.239 --> 0:46:42.880
<v Speaker 1>and maybe another gaggle over there. And so then it

0:46:43.080 --> 0:46:47.480
<v Speaker 1>brings up for me recently has brought up what are

0:46:47.520 --> 0:46:49.800
<v Speaker 1>the spaces I'm in? How can I be more intentional

0:46:49.840 --> 0:46:54.040
<v Speaker 1>about those spaces and you know, looking for the far

0:46:54.160 --> 0:46:59.160
<v Speaker 1>more intensively looking for black queer parties. And I use

0:46:59.200 --> 0:47:02.280
<v Speaker 1>the word queer specif because it's gay and queer.

0:47:02.239 --> 0:47:02.759
<v Speaker 2>Not the same.

0:47:02.920 --> 0:47:05.640
<v Speaker 1>Yes, Oh my gosh, there tends to be a lot

0:47:05.719 --> 0:47:08.480
<v Speaker 1>more policing around masculinity in those gay spaces.

0:47:08.680 --> 0:47:12.279
<v Speaker 2>Totally. Yes. Yeah, anyways, that's where I said a lot

0:47:12.280 --> 0:47:13.279
<v Speaker 2>go ahead, are well now?

0:47:13.360 --> 0:47:15.960
<v Speaker 3>Thank you for saying that, because it's so interesting, and

0:47:15.960 --> 0:47:21.719
<v Speaker 3>I think these conversations between BIPOC queer people specifically for me,

0:47:21.800 --> 0:47:25.000
<v Speaker 3>it's just so fascinating for your listeners context because all

0:47:25.040 --> 0:47:27.279
<v Speaker 3>of my listeners know I was adopted when I was

0:47:27.320 --> 0:47:30.319
<v Speaker 3>a baby. My parents are both white, and I grew

0:47:30.400 --> 0:47:34.520
<v Speaker 3>up in a very rural, white environment in northern New York. Yeah,

0:47:34.880 --> 0:47:37.600
<v Speaker 3>and when I went to college, I guess, since I

0:47:37.760 --> 0:47:41.320
<v Speaker 3>went to college in twenty ten, every year since my

0:47:41.520 --> 0:47:45.239
<v Speaker 3>world has just become way more diverse. And so where

0:47:45.239 --> 0:47:48.840
<v Speaker 3>I currently stand in my experiences now are just so

0:47:50.160 --> 0:47:52.680
<v Speaker 3>interesting to weigh against, like the places I've had to

0:47:52.760 --> 0:47:56.640
<v Speaker 3>come up in my queerness, and that includes understanding my

0:47:56.719 --> 0:47:59.959
<v Speaker 3>queerness and my sexuality in the environments that I've found myself,

0:48:00.320 --> 0:48:04.080
<v Speaker 3>which in Boston would was predominantly white unless you literally

0:48:04.200 --> 0:48:07.319
<v Speaker 3>like go across the like the tee, the Red Line.

0:48:08.000 --> 0:48:10.319
<v Speaker 3>And then it was Los Angeles, which has been such

0:48:10.360 --> 0:48:12.480
<v Speaker 3>a playground for me because I'm like, well, this is

0:48:12.560 --> 0:48:14.719
<v Speaker 3>the most diverse place I've ever lived in my life.

0:48:15.280 --> 0:48:18.840
<v Speaker 3>But because of that, it brings up even more just

0:48:19.960 --> 0:48:23.200
<v Speaker 3>not complications, but like it brings up more of a

0:48:23.320 --> 0:48:24.760
<v Speaker 3>need to figure out my place.

0:48:24.600 --> 0:48:25.360
<v Speaker 2>Within the community.

0:48:25.400 --> 0:48:27.960
<v Speaker 3>Because we are now I have the choice and I

0:48:28.040 --> 0:48:31.800
<v Speaker 3>am actively choosing certain things, whereas growing up I didn't

0:48:31.840 --> 0:48:34.480
<v Speaker 3>have the choice of going to a queer black party

0:48:34.640 --> 0:48:37.800
<v Speaker 3>or a queer a black family's home. Like it. It

0:48:38.200 --> 0:48:41.000
<v Speaker 3>casts me in completely different roles based on the environments

0:48:41.000 --> 0:48:43.600
<v Speaker 3>I'm choosing to put myself in. And there is a

0:48:43.680 --> 0:48:47.520
<v Speaker 3>huge difference between going out in West Hollywood on any

0:48:47.520 --> 0:48:50.600
<v Speaker 3>given weekend night and then going somewhere on the east Side,

0:48:50.880 --> 0:48:54.000
<v Speaker 3>which is to your point, I completely agree, more queer

0:48:54.080 --> 0:48:57.480
<v Speaker 3>on the east Side versus gay, capital gay, gay masculine men,

0:48:58.040 --> 0:49:02.080
<v Speaker 3>and so those categories just trick down for anyone, let

0:49:02.160 --> 0:49:05.400
<v Speaker 3>alone someone who is black, who looks feminine but is

0:49:05.600 --> 0:49:08.959
<v Speaker 3>masculine leaning, and who wants to lean into his feminineyoneever

0:49:09.000 --> 0:49:11.760
<v Speaker 3>the fuck he wants to. And so, But like every

0:49:11.920 --> 0:49:15.160
<v Speaker 3>choice and how we express ourselves is received differently by

0:49:15.239 --> 0:49:19.640
<v Speaker 3>different people, and so I it is, you know, interacting

0:49:19.680 --> 0:49:22.719
<v Speaker 3>with my white friends or white pursuits sexually or romantically

0:49:23.280 --> 0:49:28.440
<v Speaker 3>versus black hookups or romantic partners is just literally pun

0:49:28.480 --> 0:49:33.000
<v Speaker 3>intended night and day. And I feel different senses of

0:49:33.040 --> 0:49:38.360
<v Speaker 3>power in both environments. But what I no longer, I

0:49:38.480 --> 0:49:41.600
<v Speaker 3>mean not no longer, because I can't control everyone if

0:49:41.600 --> 0:49:44.440
<v Speaker 3>I had a perfect world. But like it's it's more

0:49:44.480 --> 0:49:47.200
<v Speaker 3>of a it's more of what I choose to absorb

0:49:47.480 --> 0:49:50.080
<v Speaker 3>versus what I and the lack of control I have

0:49:50.160 --> 0:49:54.560
<v Speaker 3>over people's actions. And for me, it's just really frustrating

0:49:54.600 --> 0:49:58.320
<v Speaker 3>as someone who's grown up very unconventionally and but like

0:49:58.480 --> 0:50:02.320
<v Speaker 3>walks this world as a I think, very visible black

0:50:02.600 --> 0:50:03.360
<v Speaker 3>queer person.

0:50:04.200 --> 0:50:05.239
<v Speaker 2>It's just so funny that.

0:50:05.239 --> 0:50:08.600
<v Speaker 3>We're in these environments to your point, where we're encouraging

0:50:08.640 --> 0:50:12.200
<v Speaker 3>everyone to lead with less judgment, and then you get

0:50:12.239 --> 0:50:16.160
<v Speaker 3>into the environments that have been so judged, and they

0:50:16.200 --> 0:50:19.480
<v Speaker 3>are the ones perpetuating a now more niche judgment. Yes,

0:50:19.600 --> 0:50:22.279
<v Speaker 3>and so it's like when and where, and you know,

0:50:22.440 --> 0:50:24.040
<v Speaker 3>that's a matter of finding these spaces. And I have

0:50:24.160 --> 0:50:26.360
<v Speaker 3>found these spaces. When and where are we going to

0:50:26.480 --> 0:50:29.080
<v Speaker 3>just let someone walk in or interact with someone and

0:50:29.200 --> 0:50:31.640
<v Speaker 3>give them just a fucking blank slate and then and

0:50:31.920 --> 0:50:34.560
<v Speaker 3>like make your decisions and your understanding of them based

0:50:34.600 --> 0:50:36.480
<v Speaker 3>on how they present themselves to you.

0:50:36.760 --> 0:50:44.359
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, this actually goes back to what we were talking

0:50:44.360 --> 0:50:47.720
<v Speaker 1>about earlier in terms of looking for intimacy versus the chase,

0:50:48.120 --> 0:50:50.440
<v Speaker 1>because I think with this person saying, like, you know,

0:50:50.520 --> 0:50:53.320
<v Speaker 1>people rarely want a black bottom, It's like for me

0:50:53.600 --> 0:50:57.799
<v Speaker 1>now going into those spaces, I have that understanding. Yeah,

0:50:58.160 --> 0:51:01.960
<v Speaker 1>so I'm not chasing that. Like listen, I'm still deuced

0:51:02.000 --> 0:51:06.960
<v Speaker 1>and ready, but I'm not looking to have the experience.

0:51:07.000 --> 0:51:08.760
<v Speaker 1>And sometimes when I'm with one of my white friends

0:51:09.080 --> 0:51:10.200
<v Speaker 1>or some of my white friends, I'm like, I.

0:51:10.239 --> 0:51:13.520
<v Speaker 2>Can see, I can see the swarm. And I know

0:51:14.320 --> 0:51:16.440
<v Speaker 2>that this is important to say.

0:51:17.120 --> 0:51:18.920
<v Speaker 1>When I'm with my white friends and I see the

0:51:19.080 --> 0:51:22.240
<v Speaker 1>swarm around them, I have learned that it has nothing

0:51:22.320 --> 0:51:25.239
<v Speaker 1>to do with my level of attractiveness or my level

0:51:25.360 --> 0:51:29.720
<v Speaker 1>of worth or sexiness, that there is a racial dynamic happening.

0:51:30.480 --> 0:51:32.279
<v Speaker 2>Let's just you know, like put it on the table.

0:51:32.360 --> 0:51:34.680
<v Speaker 1>That is what the bucket is, absolutely and so I

0:51:34.920 --> 0:51:38.359
<v Speaker 1>don't absorb that as like, oh, I'm not sexy enough.

0:51:38.800 --> 0:51:41.040
<v Speaker 1>Like I went to my Oh, I went to a

0:51:41.200 --> 0:51:43.840
<v Speaker 1>Halloween party and I was in a skirt and I

0:51:43.960 --> 0:51:45.920
<v Speaker 1>was in a whatever, and my other friend was like

0:51:46.080 --> 0:51:50.040
<v Speaker 1>in like a construction worker outfit. And I knew that

0:51:50.120 --> 0:51:53.200
<v Speaker 1>we were going to be received differently. I like that

0:51:53.440 --> 0:51:56.400
<v Speaker 1>I was I was exuding femininity and so I was

0:51:56.480 --> 0:51:59.880
<v Speaker 1>immediately going to be differently than him who was exuding masculinity.

0:52:00.520 --> 0:52:03.800
<v Speaker 1>And so because I know that, then I don't have

0:52:03.920 --> 0:52:08.400
<v Speaker 1>to absorb the quote unquote rejection or the lack of interest,

0:52:08.880 --> 0:52:12.120
<v Speaker 1>and in fact, I can then move my attention to

0:52:12.480 --> 0:52:15.480
<v Speaker 1>who is actually drawn to it. To me, it does

0:52:15.560 --> 0:52:17.080
<v Speaker 1>some of the work, right, It does something. It like

0:52:17.200 --> 0:52:19.279
<v Speaker 1>weeds out all the bullshit because then the person that

0:52:19.400 --> 0:52:22.120
<v Speaker 1>is attracted to me as I am, I'm probably gonna

0:52:22.120 --> 0:52:24.880
<v Speaker 1>have a better time with than the person who needed

0:52:25.000 --> 0:52:28.160
<v Speaker 1>convincing or is now attracted because they've.

0:52:28.000 --> 0:52:30.400
<v Speaker 2>Had a couple of drinks and it's like totally have

0:52:30.480 --> 0:52:31.719
<v Speaker 2>you had this? I'm sure you've had this. We're like

0:52:31.880 --> 0:52:32.560
<v Speaker 2>I will leave.

0:52:32.680 --> 0:52:35.200
<v Speaker 1>I will be at a party for an hour or

0:52:35.239 --> 0:52:37.640
<v Speaker 1>two hours, no one talks, whatever, and I'm like, this

0:52:37.840 --> 0:52:38.560
<v Speaker 1>is birds.

0:52:38.600 --> 0:52:41.040
<v Speaker 2>So I like get myself, I like get my shit

0:52:41.120 --> 0:52:42.160
<v Speaker 2>together to leave.

0:52:42.320 --> 0:52:46.839
<v Speaker 1>And then somebody like you're leaving, you're so beautiful. I'm like, bitch,

0:52:46.880 --> 0:52:48.920
<v Speaker 1>I've been here. Yeah, okay, goodbye.

0:52:49.040 --> 0:52:52.160
<v Speaker 3>Yeah No, it's like you had an hour and a

0:52:52.200 --> 0:52:55.960
<v Speaker 3>half to to whatever, like whatever, and like it's like,

0:52:56.040 --> 0:52:58.680
<v Speaker 3>oh that, but there's just like that, I don't.

0:52:58.480 --> 0:52:59.600
<v Speaker 2>Know, it's totally weird.

0:53:00.320 --> 0:53:04.040
<v Speaker 3>It's really complicated like it is, and it's so unique

0:53:04.040 --> 0:53:07.719
<v Speaker 3>to everyone's experience based on all of the like intricacies

0:53:07.800 --> 0:53:11.640
<v Speaker 3>of each person. Categorically, I think where I understand everything

0:53:11.640 --> 0:53:13.359
<v Speaker 3>you're saying. Yeah, and that's why I wanted to send

0:53:13.400 --> 0:53:15.680
<v Speaker 3>it to you and your show, and I was just

0:53:15.760 --> 0:53:18.000
<v Speaker 3>so fascinated by it. But yeah, it's it's for me,

0:53:18.320 --> 0:53:20.680
<v Speaker 3>and to what you said, it's just a matter of

0:53:21.239 --> 0:53:24.840
<v Speaker 3>understanding my power and putting myself in environments that that

0:53:25.200 --> 0:53:28.560
<v Speaker 3>where that power is not uplifted by any means, but

0:53:28.680 --> 0:53:30.880
<v Speaker 3>like uplifted in a sense that like it's giving me

0:53:31.480 --> 0:53:34.239
<v Speaker 3>just the platform to just start at the same level

0:53:34.280 --> 0:53:36.840
<v Speaker 3>as everyone. Yeah, And I'm in control of being in

0:53:36.880 --> 0:53:39.680
<v Speaker 3>those environments. I know that if I go to you know,

0:53:39.920 --> 0:53:43.040
<v Speaker 3>a white friend's gathering at their place, I've been to

0:53:43.120 --> 0:53:44.880
<v Speaker 3>their places, so I know that, like there's going to

0:53:44.880 --> 0:53:46.960
<v Speaker 3>be a few people of color, what the majority of

0:53:46.960 --> 0:53:47.520
<v Speaker 3>people aren't.

0:53:47.600 --> 0:53:49.360
<v Speaker 2>So it's like, I know the role that I'm.

0:53:49.239 --> 0:53:53.879
<v Speaker 3>Playing, and I'm not going to let that affect how

0:53:53.960 --> 0:53:56.680
<v Speaker 3>I view my power and my You know your expectations,

0:53:56.960 --> 0:53:59.640
<v Speaker 3>you know, You're like, I know the expectations of the environment.

0:53:59.719 --> 0:54:01.680
<v Speaker 1>I don't need to conform to the environment or I

0:54:01.760 --> 0:54:04.280
<v Speaker 1>need to or I need to think less of myself

0:54:04.440 --> 0:54:06.799
<v Speaker 1>or shrink myself. I'm gonna show up as my full self.

0:54:06.840 --> 0:54:10.160
<v Speaker 1>But understand in this space, like y'all are on some

0:54:10.239 --> 0:54:12.040
<v Speaker 1>other ship and that's fine, that's something to do with me.

0:54:12.600 --> 0:54:14.520
<v Speaker 1>And then put myself in, as you say, in those

0:54:14.560 --> 0:54:20.239
<v Speaker 1>spaces where I feel like I can get that that reciprocity, Hella,

0:54:20.280 --> 0:54:24.440
<v Speaker 1>Lauren Hill, you know, put yourself in those and that

0:54:24.600 --> 0:54:27.160
<v Speaker 1>changes up to this, to this black bottom, I would say,

0:54:27.880 --> 0:54:29.759
<v Speaker 1>you know, there are plenty of people who love a

0:54:29.840 --> 0:54:32.759
<v Speaker 1>black bottom. It's just like, what spaces are we occupying

0:54:32.760 --> 0:54:38.680
<v Speaker 1>totally and recognizing that depending on what your your job

0:54:38.920 --> 0:54:40.759
<v Speaker 1>and your location is, you might have to do a

0:54:40.840 --> 0:54:44.640
<v Speaker 1>little more work to move into those spaces, which is

0:54:44.800 --> 0:54:46.920
<v Speaker 1>which is fair. And like you know, I think what

0:54:47.040 --> 0:54:49.760
<v Speaker 1>gets scary about it, and I'm willing to say this publicly,

0:54:50.280 --> 0:54:53.480
<v Speaker 1>is that what then happens is the qualifying and quantifying

0:54:53.520 --> 0:54:56.480
<v Speaker 1>of your blackness. And exactly is what always makes it

0:54:57.120 --> 0:55:00.840
<v Speaker 1>shitty is that there there tends to be a judgment

0:55:00.960 --> 0:55:04.000
<v Speaker 1>that you can get from white folks, and there also

0:55:04.080 --> 0:55:05.400
<v Speaker 1>tends to be a judgment that you can get from

0:55:05.480 --> 0:55:08.239
<v Speaker 1>your community. Yeah, and then like if you're somebody who

0:55:08.320 --> 0:55:11.160
<v Speaker 1>has had to ride the line by way of whether

0:55:11.239 --> 0:55:13.080
<v Speaker 1>it's your parents or white or you were sent to

0:55:13.120 --> 0:55:17.240
<v Speaker 1>pwi's or whatever it is, I think you're constantly negotiating

0:55:17.320 --> 0:55:22.120
<v Speaker 1>totally who is qualifying or quantifying your blackness and what

0:55:22.320 --> 0:55:25.680
<v Speaker 1>makes you actually black and if you're black enough, all

0:55:25.800 --> 0:55:29.080
<v Speaker 1>of that comes into play and starts to fuck with

0:55:29.560 --> 0:55:32.200
<v Speaker 1>how you see yourself totally and whether or not you

0:55:32.400 --> 0:55:37.200
<v Speaker 1>feel valuable and if you're doing if you're.

0:55:37.080 --> 0:55:39.759
<v Speaker 3>Doing it right yet unquote totally I received the most

0:55:39.800 --> 0:55:43.239
<v Speaker 3>of that obviously given my background. Like it is, I'm

0:55:43.360 --> 0:55:45.719
<v Speaker 3>just like there's a an I'll end here because I

0:55:45.760 --> 0:55:47.600
<v Speaker 3>feel like I could go on so long about this,

0:55:47.719 --> 0:55:51.759
<v Speaker 3>but like, I know what I represent, and I want

0:55:51.840 --> 0:55:54.439
<v Speaker 3>to make sure that I am honoring that. Yeah, because

0:55:54.480 --> 0:55:56.880
<v Speaker 3>it's not only important for me, but especially as creators,

0:55:56.960 --> 0:56:00.239
<v Speaker 3>it's important for people consuming us to see themselves us

0:56:00.719 --> 0:56:06.080
<v Speaker 3>And so I'm always trying to understand that and who

0:56:06.160 --> 0:56:08.960
<v Speaker 3>I am my blood, my skin color, my history, my biology.

0:56:09.520 --> 0:56:13.560
<v Speaker 3>But I'm also simply not going to continue to scream

0:56:13.600 --> 0:56:15.600
<v Speaker 3>at the top of my lungs that I am something

0:56:15.680 --> 0:56:21.640
<v Speaker 3>because someone is questioning that yes, And I think I'm

0:56:21.680 --> 0:56:24.640
<v Speaker 3>more interested in getting past the screaming and the judgment

0:56:25.040 --> 0:56:27.799
<v Speaker 3>and sitting down and talking about what we're really getting at,

0:56:29.000 --> 0:56:30.759
<v Speaker 3>which is, you know, what makes us different and what

0:56:30.920 --> 0:56:34.880
<v Speaker 3>makes us similar, which everyone on this earth engages in constantly.

0:56:34.920 --> 0:56:37.279
<v Speaker 3>It's just a little different for people that have such

0:56:37.320 --> 0:56:42.879
<v Speaker 3>heavy expectations, like our black Bottom Summer, coming into situations,

0:56:43.480 --> 0:56:45.520
<v Speaker 3>especially when it's on a dating app where people are

0:56:45.560 --> 0:56:47.719
<v Speaker 3>being purposely anonymous.

0:56:48.200 --> 0:56:51.799
<v Speaker 2>They're saying all the shit that they would never say

0:56:52.520 --> 0:56:54.040
<v Speaker 2>yes because they would get clocked.

0:56:53.800 --> 0:56:56.000
<v Speaker 3>In the throat, and that just goes like, you know,

0:56:56.080 --> 0:56:58.360
<v Speaker 3>and if I had to say something to our black bottom.

0:56:58.360 --> 0:56:59.799
<v Speaker 3>I wish I knew what his name is, even if

0:56:59.840 --> 0:57:03.319
<v Speaker 3>I we keep it anonymous, like it's just you will

0:57:03.400 --> 0:57:06.040
<v Speaker 3>continue to experience that because I continue to experience Yes,

0:57:06.160 --> 0:57:08.520
<v Speaker 3>So at what point are you going to say goodbye

0:57:08.520 --> 0:57:11.040
<v Speaker 3>to that app and find to our point in an

0:57:11.120 --> 0:57:14.759
<v Speaker 3>environment that doesn't require you to perform in that kind

0:57:14.760 --> 0:57:15.040
<v Speaker 3>of way.

0:57:15.120 --> 0:57:17.320
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely, and even if it's not saying goodbye to the app.

0:57:17.360 --> 0:57:20.120
<v Speaker 1>But it's like the moment I smell it, the moment

0:57:20.200 --> 0:57:24.160
<v Speaker 1>I smell anything that feels off, Yeah, I don't need

0:57:24.200 --> 0:57:26.600
<v Speaker 1>to engage anymore. It's like it's a block. It's an

0:57:26.680 --> 0:57:29.760
<v Speaker 1>end of the conversation. And you go where you are valued,

0:57:29.840 --> 0:57:32.280
<v Speaker 1>go where people light up when they see you. You

0:57:32.320 --> 0:57:34.400
<v Speaker 1>know what I'm saying, And if you're not in those spaces,

0:57:34.760 --> 0:57:37.680
<v Speaker 1>don't stop until you find the spaces because the other thing,

0:57:37.760 --> 0:57:40.200
<v Speaker 1>and this is where I'll end, is I realized because

0:57:40.200 --> 0:57:43.560
<v Speaker 1>you know, for me, and we'll probably do another episode

0:57:43.600 --> 0:57:45.320
<v Speaker 1>on this. But I have a white husband, and so

0:57:45.440 --> 0:57:49.360
<v Speaker 1>sometimes my blackness not Sometimes a lot of times my

0:57:49.480 --> 0:57:50.480
<v Speaker 1>blackness gets.

0:57:51.760 --> 0:57:54.840
<v Speaker 2>Qualified or people want to take my black.

0:57:54.640 --> 0:57:57.360
<v Speaker 1>Card away because my husband's white. And so then I

0:57:57.520 --> 0:57:59.640
<v Speaker 1>get into this headspace where it's like Oh my god,

0:58:00.040 --> 0:58:01.880
<v Speaker 1>do I divorce my husband? I don't mean that literally no,

0:58:02.360 --> 0:58:04.120
<v Speaker 1>in those moments where you're like, god, it would be

0:58:04.200 --> 0:58:06.640
<v Speaker 1>so much easier if my partner is black, because people

0:58:06.640 --> 0:58:08.680
<v Speaker 1>think I hate my blackness. For people, it's like, no,

0:58:08.800 --> 0:58:11.360
<v Speaker 1>I don't, And why am I screaming that I don't

0:58:11.400 --> 0:58:15.400
<v Speaker 1>when it's like, okay, perception. This is all about people's perception.

0:58:15.680 --> 0:58:18.520
<v Speaker 1>So am I actually happy? Am I safe? Am I protected?

0:58:18.800 --> 0:58:21.000
<v Speaker 1>Do I love my husband? It's not about his whiteness,

0:58:21.040 --> 0:58:22.840
<v Speaker 1>it's who he is. Do I love myself? Do I

0:58:22.960 --> 0:58:23.640
<v Speaker 1>know that I'm black?

0:58:24.080 --> 0:58:24.640
<v Speaker 2>Yes? Great?

0:58:24.680 --> 0:58:27.520
<v Speaker 1>Yes, great, So then that's all that matters. Well, however, however,

0:58:27.640 --> 0:58:32.440
<v Speaker 1>anyone wants to in take the information of my white partner,

0:58:32.600 --> 0:58:34.680
<v Speaker 1>whatever it is that I've said or done, and they

0:58:34.720 --> 0:58:36.960
<v Speaker 1>want to qualify or quantify my blackness, that's actually.

0:58:36.800 --> 0:58:37.440
<v Speaker 2>Not my business.

0:58:37.520 --> 0:58:40.280
<v Speaker 1>Nope, nope, my business is no way to fuck I

0:58:40.440 --> 0:58:43.400
<v Speaker 1>am what I'm about and moving from there, I think

0:58:43.440 --> 0:58:46.280
<v Speaker 1>that's you know all all anyone can do whatever, And

0:58:46.680 --> 0:58:48.400
<v Speaker 1>you know we're using the context of blackness. But this

0:58:48.520 --> 0:58:52.120
<v Speaker 1>works in every area, right, It works whether you're LATINX,

0:58:52.200 --> 0:58:54.880
<v Speaker 1>if you're trans, if you're not like you know who

0:58:55.040 --> 0:58:57.040
<v Speaker 1>you are. I also feel this as somebody who's not binary?

0:58:57.080 --> 0:58:58.280
<v Speaker 1>Am I non binary enough?

0:58:58.400 --> 0:58:58.480
<v Speaker 2>Right?

0:58:58.840 --> 0:58:58.880
<v Speaker 1>Like?

0:58:59.160 --> 0:59:02.240
<v Speaker 2>You know who you are are? Fuck the perception yep?

0:59:02.400 --> 0:59:04.600
<v Speaker 2>Do you exist in that? Yeah?

0:59:04.640 --> 0:59:08.000
<v Speaker 1>And the right people will come to you, and if

0:59:08.040 --> 0:59:09.920
<v Speaker 1>you validate it yourself first, the world will.

0:59:09.800 --> 0:59:11.280
<v Speaker 2>Catch up totally, totally.

0:59:11.480 --> 0:59:15.840
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's the critiques just are so loud, and it's

0:59:15.880 --> 0:59:17.920
<v Speaker 3>like it can be like one in ten are a

0:59:18.000 --> 0:59:20.960
<v Speaker 3>critique and then the other nine are just complete acceptance

0:59:21.040 --> 0:59:24.040
<v Speaker 3>and like understanding and not even just understanding. It's like

0:59:24.400 --> 0:59:28.280
<v Speaker 3>the allowance of letting you just show yourself to me

0:59:28.360 --> 0:59:30.960
<v Speaker 3>and then I build my understanding of you from that.

0:59:31.600 --> 0:59:34.160
<v Speaker 3>It's just the critiques are so loud. Yeah, but I

0:59:34.680 --> 0:59:38.640
<v Speaker 3>I know this, like there are there's a world for you,

0:59:38.720 --> 0:59:40.440
<v Speaker 3>and there's people for you, and there's environments for you.

0:59:40.520 --> 0:59:42.240
<v Speaker 3>It's just you'll probably have to work a little harder

0:59:42.240 --> 0:59:45.280
<v Speaker 3>to find them. Yes, but my god, it feels so

0:59:45.400 --> 0:59:47.560
<v Speaker 3>good when you do, and it just makes you realize

0:59:47.640 --> 0:59:53.200
<v Speaker 3>how little you need. Those critiques and those questions, which

0:59:53.240 --> 0:59:56.160
<v Speaker 3>are fine, but like the constant cadence of them are

0:59:56.200 --> 1:00:00.280
<v Speaker 3>a little exhausting. But it's just you've you got work

1:00:00.280 --> 1:00:03.080
<v Speaker 3>a little harder to find your people. Yeah, your people, yeah,

1:00:03.080 --> 1:00:05.200
<v Speaker 3>because they're out there. Yeah, you haven't met all the

1:00:05.200 --> 1:00:07.360
<v Speaker 3>people who will love you yet, as they say, or

1:00:07.440 --> 1:00:09.160
<v Speaker 3>you haven't you know you'll forever be it.

1:00:10.240 --> 1:00:13.280
<v Speaker 2>No, no, no, no you haven't. Well, thank you so

1:00:13.400 --> 1:00:14.800
<v Speaker 2>much for being here, grim.

1:00:14.920 --> 1:00:16.680
<v Speaker 3>Thank you for having me this feel. This is a

1:00:16.800 --> 1:00:19.800
<v Speaker 3>really safe space that you've cultivated, and like it's so

1:00:19.960 --> 1:00:22.280
<v Speaker 3>important for people like us and people not like us

1:00:22.360 --> 1:00:25.480
<v Speaker 3>to just have a space like that and to dive deep.

1:00:25.360 --> 1:00:27.360
<v Speaker 2>If they want to. Thank you. Yeah, we'll talk to

1:00:27.360 --> 1:00:39.280
<v Speaker 2>you soon, talk to you soon. Bye bye. You know

1:00:39.360 --> 1:00:41.760
<v Speaker 2>that we're hoes here, but we're hoes with heart. So

1:00:41.880 --> 1:00:45.520
<v Speaker 2>before we go, I would like to speak to yours.

1:00:46.040 --> 1:00:51.720
<v Speaker 1>I really, really really cannot express enough gratitude for this

1:00:51.880 --> 1:00:56.080
<v Speaker 1>conversation because it's the sticky shit, it's the granular shit,

1:00:56.200 --> 1:00:59.720
<v Speaker 1>it's the ship that like you normally can't talk about

1:01:00.120 --> 1:01:01.160
<v Speaker 1>public spaces.

1:01:01.240 --> 1:01:02.680
<v Speaker 2>It's something that happens.

1:01:02.440 --> 1:01:05.000
<v Speaker 1>At French tables or in like you know, in the

1:01:05.640 --> 1:01:08.240
<v Speaker 1>on the couch and the corners, in the dark corners.

1:01:08.720 --> 1:01:11.040
<v Speaker 1>But it's something that I think that needs to be

1:01:11.160 --> 1:01:13.080
<v Speaker 1>spoken about more out loud because I know that a

1:01:13.120 --> 1:01:15.880
<v Speaker 1>lot of us experience everything that Griff was talking about

1:01:15.960 --> 1:01:18.960
<v Speaker 1>things that I was talking about versions of it, but

1:01:19.040 --> 1:01:21.000
<v Speaker 1>we don't have the language, and I think by talking

1:01:21.040 --> 1:01:23.840
<v Speaker 1>about it together, we can develop the language, and then

1:01:23.840 --> 1:01:26.960
<v Speaker 1>if you develop the language, you can forge a path

1:01:27.400 --> 1:01:31.200
<v Speaker 1>towards healing. A couple of things that I want to

1:01:31.760 --> 1:01:33.600
<v Speaker 1>bring up is that hoeing is data.

1:01:35.960 --> 1:01:39.480
<v Speaker 2>Okay, you heard it here. Hoeing is data. Okay.

1:01:39.880 --> 1:01:43.120
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes we get so in our feelings when whether it's

1:01:43.200 --> 1:01:46.640
<v Speaker 1>a fuck buddy or a romantic partner doesn't work out.

1:01:46.840 --> 1:01:49.680
<v Speaker 2>And I always like to remind people it's data. You

1:01:49.800 --> 1:01:52.320
<v Speaker 2>get closer to what you want what you don't want.

1:01:52.760 --> 1:01:53.800
<v Speaker 2>Its information.

1:01:54.960 --> 1:01:57.720
<v Speaker 1>Also, my therapist always says, with love comes heartbreak, and

1:01:57.840 --> 1:02:00.919
<v Speaker 1>so in the I'm thinking about when griff was talking

1:02:00.920 --> 1:02:03.800
<v Speaker 1>about falling in love with some straight friends, or when

1:02:03.840 --> 1:02:06.760
<v Speaker 1>people whether that you know you also relate to that

1:02:06.840 --> 1:02:09.400
<v Speaker 1>falling in love with straight friends, or you know, falling

1:02:09.400 --> 1:02:11.680
<v Speaker 1>in love with somebody who's already in a relationship like this,

1:02:12.120 --> 1:02:16.840
<v Speaker 1>ways in which we protect ourselves from actually being able

1:02:16.920 --> 1:02:20.960
<v Speaker 1>to receive love, because with love comes heartbreak. But the

1:02:21.080 --> 1:02:25.800
<v Speaker 1>moment you can accept that and also appreciate that, I

1:02:25.880 --> 1:02:27.680
<v Speaker 1>think that's where your power and your strength will come

1:02:27.800 --> 1:02:30.520
<v Speaker 1>back to you. Where you know that this gets to

1:02:30.600 --> 1:02:32.120
<v Speaker 1>be an experience and there's.

1:02:31.880 --> 1:02:33.120
<v Speaker 2>Still value in it.

1:02:33.560 --> 1:02:37.280
<v Speaker 1>There's still value in me loving and being loved, even

1:02:37.320 --> 1:02:39.479
<v Speaker 1>if it doesn't last for the rest of our life,

1:02:40.120 --> 1:02:42.440
<v Speaker 1>even if we don't get to stay together, even if

1:02:42.480 --> 1:02:46.320
<v Speaker 1>we break up, we can still love each other. Like reframing, well,

1:02:46.360 --> 1:02:49.240
<v Speaker 1>I think we grew up in media watching our favorite shows,

1:02:49.280 --> 1:02:51.480
<v Speaker 1>our favorite characters. They break up and it's over and

1:02:51.600 --> 1:02:55.360
<v Speaker 1>it's awful and it's terrible, when in reality like love

1:02:55.440 --> 1:02:59.480
<v Speaker 1>can flow, allow love to flow, you know what I'm saying. Also,

1:03:00.280 --> 1:03:02.760
<v Speaker 1>I really stand by If you can't give me a

1:03:02.800 --> 1:03:04.920
<v Speaker 1>better time than I can give myself, then I do

1:03:05.080 --> 1:03:07.480
<v Speaker 1>not need to be there. I just want to repeat that,

1:03:07.720 --> 1:03:10.680
<v Speaker 1>and I want to offer that to you to liberate you.

1:03:11.320 --> 1:03:15.680
<v Speaker 1>If like fuck fomo, really and truly homo fomo any fomo,

1:03:15.840 --> 1:03:18.600
<v Speaker 1>fuck it. If you like you are the time, you are,

1:03:18.680 --> 1:03:21.200
<v Speaker 1>the party, you are, the event, you are, the function,

1:03:21.480 --> 1:03:24.120
<v Speaker 1>you are that bitch, honey, I'm talking right to yeah, honey,

1:03:24.120 --> 1:03:24.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm talking right to you.

1:03:25.360 --> 1:03:28.080
<v Speaker 2>So when you're by yourself, it's a great time.

1:03:28.240 --> 1:03:30.000
<v Speaker 1>And if you're gonna step out of your house and

1:03:30.080 --> 1:03:32.040
<v Speaker 1>put on hard clothes, you know you're not gonna put

1:03:32.040 --> 1:03:32.360
<v Speaker 1>on the sweat.

1:03:32.400 --> 1:03:34.800
<v Speaker 2>You gonna put them the hard jeans and them tight skirts.

1:03:34.480 --> 1:03:36.920
<v Speaker 1>Or whatever it is, high heels, whatever it is, you're

1:03:36.960 --> 1:03:38.919
<v Speaker 1>gonna put on something hard on your body, it better

1:03:38.960 --> 1:03:41.240
<v Speaker 1>be because you go with somewhere fabulous or you going

1:03:41.240 --> 1:03:42.320
<v Speaker 1>somewhere where you're getting paid.

1:03:42.440 --> 1:03:46.680
<v Speaker 2>Okay, Amen, hallelujah, hol lujah. Okay.

1:03:47.560 --> 1:03:49.560
<v Speaker 1>If you make me put on a hard show, I'm

1:03:49.600 --> 1:03:51.720
<v Speaker 1>either getting paid or I know that it's going to

1:03:51.760 --> 1:03:53.960
<v Speaker 1>be a fabulous time, and if not, I'm gonna stay

1:03:54.000 --> 1:03:57.560
<v Speaker 1>my ass at home. Finally, you know, we got into

1:03:57.680 --> 1:04:00.520
<v Speaker 1>like the granulars of what it is to qualify and

1:04:00.680 --> 1:04:04.200
<v Speaker 1>quantify one's identity. So we talk specifically about you know,

1:04:04.280 --> 1:04:08.800
<v Speaker 1>blackness and queerness, but whatever your identity labels are, I'm

1:04:08.880 --> 1:04:12.520
<v Speaker 1>sure you've experienced the qualifying and the quantifying of it

1:04:12.960 --> 1:04:16.080
<v Speaker 1>from yourself and from other people, especially if you're anyone

1:04:16.120 --> 1:04:20.200
<v Speaker 1>who lives in an intersection where you feel like your

1:04:20.200 --> 1:04:23.840
<v Speaker 1>own community sometimes doesn't hold you. I want to remind

1:04:23.920 --> 1:04:27.640
<v Speaker 1>you that the community is large, and so know that

1:04:27.800 --> 1:04:31.840
<v Speaker 1>maybe certain sectors of our communities may not hold us,

1:04:32.000 --> 1:04:35.200
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't mean that the community as a whole can't

1:04:35.320 --> 1:04:39.320
<v Speaker 1>hold us. Yeah, So it's really about being diligent and

1:04:39.600 --> 1:04:43.880
<v Speaker 1>clear about finding your places, finding your spaces that affirm you,

1:04:44.360 --> 1:04:47.280
<v Speaker 1>that feel soft, that feel good, that don't have you

1:04:47.400 --> 1:04:49.560
<v Speaker 1>on edge. That's also getting in touch with what your

1:04:49.600 --> 1:04:52.680
<v Speaker 1>body is doing. If you walk into a party, or

1:04:52.840 --> 1:04:55.360
<v Speaker 1>you are going to lunch with somebody, or you always

1:04:55.400 --> 1:04:57.960
<v Speaker 1>have these interactions with certain people, and you always feel

1:04:58.040 --> 1:05:01.000
<v Speaker 1>on edge, you don't feel settled, you can't take a breath.

1:05:01.360 --> 1:05:04.040
<v Speaker 1>That's probably not where you need to be. And I

1:05:04.040 --> 1:05:07.480
<v Speaker 1>don't care how cool they are, how cute they are,

1:05:07.960 --> 1:05:11.760
<v Speaker 1>how fancy they are. If you don't feel settled there,

1:05:12.240 --> 1:05:14.120
<v Speaker 1>then it might not be the space you need to

1:05:14.200 --> 1:05:17.640
<v Speaker 1>be in. So go somewhere that feels soft. I'm not

1:05:17.800 --> 1:05:20.160
<v Speaker 1>saying that. You know, sometimes there's a difference between like

1:05:21.160 --> 1:05:27.000
<v Speaker 1>growth and growth being uncomfortable versus like this doesn't feel good,

1:05:27.240 --> 1:05:30.320
<v Speaker 1>I don't feel safe at all. Those are two different things.

1:05:30.360 --> 1:05:33.600
<v Speaker 1>So if you're uncomfortable because you're growing, that's one thing.

1:05:33.720 --> 1:05:34.080
<v Speaker 2>Clock that.

1:05:34.320 --> 1:05:38.960
<v Speaker 1>But if you are not feeling safe because the energy

1:05:39.040 --> 1:05:40.840
<v Speaker 1>of the people you're around, of the space you're in

1:05:41.360 --> 1:05:44.960
<v Speaker 1>is not bright, it's quite dark, then get out of

1:05:45.000 --> 1:05:49.000
<v Speaker 1>their baby. If you validate yourself first, the world will

1:05:49.080 --> 1:05:51.040
<v Speaker 1>catch up at the end of the day. I think

1:05:51.080 --> 1:05:54.720
<v Speaker 1>a lot of our suffering comes around perception and our

1:05:54.840 --> 1:05:59.160
<v Speaker 1>fear of being perceived and how we're being perceived. I

1:05:59.240 --> 1:06:01.800
<v Speaker 1>think about it as a like if I ever had

1:06:01.840 --> 1:06:05.280
<v Speaker 1>to walk across a crowded room of my peers, I

1:06:06.240 --> 1:06:09.960
<v Speaker 1>would just I would disassociate. I would break down because

1:06:10.040 --> 1:06:13.400
<v Speaker 1>I was just thinking about what they were thinking about me,

1:06:13.880 --> 1:06:15.280
<v Speaker 1>as opposed to thinking about.

1:06:15.080 --> 1:06:16.200
<v Speaker 2>What am I thinking about me?

1:06:16.880 --> 1:06:19.840
<v Speaker 1>If I think I'm cool and I love what's going on,

1:06:20.120 --> 1:06:22.040
<v Speaker 1>and I love what I'm wearing, I love how I

1:06:22.120 --> 1:06:24.280
<v Speaker 1>show up, I love my kindness, I love my heart,

1:06:24.560 --> 1:06:27.160
<v Speaker 1>I love my comedy. I love if I can get

1:06:27.320 --> 1:06:30.520
<v Speaker 1>in a place where I love myself like that, I'll

1:06:30.560 --> 1:06:33.439
<v Speaker 1>give a fuck what anyone else is thinking. And also,

1:06:33.560 --> 1:06:36.600
<v Speaker 1>by the way, a lot of people they not thinking

1:06:36.600 --> 1:06:42.840
<v Speaker 1>about you. So how often are you stunting yourself, stopping

1:06:42.920 --> 1:06:46.120
<v Speaker 1>yourself from experiencing things, stopping yourself from moving through the

1:06:46.160 --> 1:06:48.920
<v Speaker 1>world because you are afraid of how other people will

1:06:48.960 --> 1:06:52.920
<v Speaker 1>see you? How are you robbing yourself of joy? How

1:06:52.960 --> 1:06:57.840
<v Speaker 1>are you robbing yourself of love, of your power because

1:06:57.960 --> 1:07:02.280
<v Speaker 1>of your fear of how you will be perceived? Validate yourself, baby,

1:07:02.600 --> 1:07:06.040
<v Speaker 1>and the world will catch up. Affirm yourself, love yourself,

1:07:06.280 --> 1:07:08.680
<v Speaker 1>treat yourself the way that you want to be treated,

1:07:08.720 --> 1:07:11.720
<v Speaker 1>be kind to yourself, and the world will catch up.

1:07:11.800 --> 1:07:14.600
<v Speaker 1>And when you do that, you will know very clearly

1:07:15.040 --> 1:07:17.760
<v Speaker 1>when other people aren't doing it, and you can know, oh, pivot,

1:07:17.880 --> 1:07:19.880
<v Speaker 1>that's not where I'm supposed to be because I know

1:07:20.000 --> 1:07:22.640
<v Speaker 1>I treat myself well and so I know what being

1:07:22.720 --> 1:07:26.920
<v Speaker 1>treated well feels like. And that's where I demand, to

1:07:27.040 --> 1:07:29.120
<v Speaker 1>use Griff's word that those are the spaces.

1:07:28.800 --> 1:07:32.320
<v Speaker 2>I demand to be in. Okay, those are my thoughts.

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<v Speaker 1>If you have more thoughts, please email tell Me Something

1:07:35.040 --> 1:07:39.560
<v Speaker 1>Messy at gmail dot com. Okay, I love you. You

1:07:39.640 --> 1:07:42.720
<v Speaker 1>can find Griff on Instagram at Griff stark ns that

1:07:42.920 --> 1:07:45.680
<v Speaker 1>is g r I F F Stark s t A

1:07:45.840 --> 1:07:47.000
<v Speaker 1>r k n s.

1:07:47.160 --> 1:07:49.000
<v Speaker 2>E n NIS.

1:07:49.440 --> 1:07:51.880
<v Speaker 1>You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon

1:07:51.920 --> 1:07:54.840
<v Speaker 1>Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me

1:07:55.000 --> 1:07:58.280
<v Speaker 1>Something Messy, and you can join our community on the

1:07:58.400 --> 1:08:02.560
<v Speaker 1>Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,

1:08:02.640 --> 1:08:06.479
<v Speaker 1>recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also,

1:08:06.520 --> 1:08:08.960
<v Speaker 1>I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,

1:08:09.080 --> 1:08:14.120
<v Speaker 1>your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas. To tell

1:08:14.200 --> 1:08:16.920
<v Speaker 1>Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also

1:08:17.000 --> 1:08:20.280
<v Speaker 1>call us at six six nine sixty nine Messy. That

1:08:20.479 --> 1:08:25.479
<v Speaker 1>is six six nine six ninety six three seven seven nine, Rate, review,

1:08:25.680 --> 1:08:29.720
<v Speaker 1>and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring

1:08:29.920 --> 1:08:33.360
<v Speaker 1>HOE friends. Really really helps the show out, all right.

1:08:33.479 --> 1:08:35.960
<v Speaker 1>Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick

1:08:36.040 --> 1:08:38.679
<v Speaker 1>before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty.

1:08:38.760 --> 1:08:43.600
<v Speaker 1>Buffore what they beat the kitty before fuckation or succation communication.

1:08:44.120 --> 1:08:46.920
<v Speaker 2>And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you

1:08:47.000 --> 1:08:50.719
<v Speaker 2>are so deeply loved. I love you, hie.

1:08:52.400 --> 1:08:54.960
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy.

1:08:55.120 --> 1:08:57.080
<v Speaker 1>If you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to

1:08:57.160 --> 1:08:59.800
<v Speaker 1>someone else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy

1:09:00.080 --> 1:09:04.120
<v Speaker 1>as executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.

1:09:04.560 --> 1:09:08.160
<v Speaker 1>Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts

1:09:08.200 --> 1:09:12.040
<v Speaker 1>from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app

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<v Speaker 1>or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.