WEBVTT - 3 Deep Insecurities We Have and 3 Powerful Steps to Overcome Them 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:03.400 When you meet someone who's arrogant or overcompensating, as I 0:00:03.440 --> 0:00:07.320 was saying, often it's because they're feeling and insecurity. So 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:10.920 when you send some arrogance from someone, you can actually 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:13.399 if you really pay attential and you notice that they're 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:19.040 actually dealing with a deep insecurity. And what that changes 0:00:19.120 --> 0:00:22.239 is that you now realize that it's not that that 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:25.680 person is overconfident or that they think that much of themselves, 0:00:25.680 --> 0:00:36.120 it's actually that they probably don't think enough of themselves. Hey, everyone, 0:00:36.200 --> 0:00:39.080 welcome back to our purpose to number one health podcast 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:41.360 in the world. Thanks to each and every single one 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:44.440 of you that come back every week to listen, learn 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:50.519 and grow. Now today we're talking about insecurities. We all 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:56.040 have them, we all experience them. And whether you're someone 0:00:56.120 --> 0:01:00.680 that considers yourself to be confident or as most of 0:01:00.720 --> 0:01:04.640 your life together, I'm still sure that you have moments 0:01:05.200 --> 0:01:08.319 in your days, your weeks, your months, your years where 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:12.040 you feel insecure. Think about it for a moment. When 0:01:12.120 --> 0:01:15.119 was the last time you felt insecure? Was it this 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:19.959 week at a dinner table over a conversation. Maybe it 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:23.440 was about a subject that you don't know so much about, 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:27.080 and you felt that everyone around you was highly educated 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:31.119 or had an interesting opinion about it, you didn't even 0:01:31.200 --> 0:01:34.399 know what they're talking about, Or did you feel insecure 0:01:34.560 --> 0:01:38.679 on a work zoom call because someone had lots of 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:42.120 great questions, lots of great ideas. Maybe they came up 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:46.280 with something that was rewarded or talked of highly by 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:51.440 your colleagues and peers. But maybe people didn't love your idea, 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:55.160 or you didn't even feel that you had something to offer, 0:01:56.040 --> 0:01:58.760 or maybe you felt insecure in your partnership. Maybe you 0:01:58.800 --> 0:02:02.600 weren't feeling the attention from your partner, Maybe you were 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:06.320 feeling a sense of discomfort and they didn't notice or 0:02:06.320 --> 0:02:10.760 they didn't recognize it. The incredible thing about insecurities are 0:02:10.840 --> 0:02:15.680 they show up in so many different places. They show 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:21.079 up personally, professionally with our partners, with our parents, they 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:23.520 show up in each and every area of our life. 0:02:23.880 --> 0:02:28.600 And the interesting thing about insecurities is that if you 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:34.239 do nothing about them, they continue to grow, They continue 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:37.200 to get worse. If you ignore them and just hope 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:42.480 that they're going to go away one day, Unfortunately they don't. Now. 0:02:42.520 --> 0:02:45.680 I was reading an article on Vogue that I found 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:50.480 to be really, really fascinating and they were talking about 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:53.639 how the survey that they did found that approximately nine 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:58.840 people could remember the first time they experienced an insecurity 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:02.919 and where they were when it happened, and the average 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:07.760 age that respondents could recall first developing insecurity was sixteen. 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:11.120 And the finding show that men were thirty five percent 0:03:11.200 --> 0:03:14.440 more likely than women to have first been insecure about 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:18.520 their personalities or abilities, while women were sixteen point eight 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:23.520 percent more likely to have first developed insecurities about their bodies. 0:03:24.200 --> 0:03:26.640 And I know you can relate to that. I know 0:03:26.760 --> 0:03:29.360 we can all relate to that. Now. The study and 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:31.480 the article went on to say that about fifty nine 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:34.720 percent of people who responded that they deal with body 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:38.839 image issues said that insecurities were initially brought on by 0:03:38.960 --> 0:03:43.480 other people's comments. However, in contrast, most people who struggle 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:46.760 with feeling insecure about their personalities, abilities, or aspects of 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:50.800 their personal life responded that those negative thoughts have largely 0:03:50.840 --> 0:03:54.920 been self imposed. Notice how fascinating that is that if 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:58.480 it's about your body, it's based on other people's comments, 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.920 and those comments mayn't even have been directly to you. 0:04:02.680 --> 0:04:06.360 Sometimes they are I saw this great video on TikTok 0:04:06.400 --> 0:04:09.920 i came across the other day and I was scrolling 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:14.559 through my four you page and I found this guy. 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:18.640 But he was talking about how he posted a video 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:21.600 a couple of days before, and it was a video, 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:24.600 I believe at the No Time to Die Double O 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:28.400 seven premiere, and it was one of those cameras that 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:30.279 kind of goes around the base, right, it does this 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:32.480 three sixty thing and you stand in the middle. So 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:36.240 he'd posted that, and he said that that post got 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:42.520 over ten thousand negative comments, ten thousand negative comments, and 0:04:42.600 --> 0:04:46.680 they were all directly towards him, and they were all 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:51.000 making jokes about his body. And so he was reading 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:53.760 out some of the comments and I'm trying to remember 0:04:53.800 --> 0:04:56.480 what some of them said, but some of them were 0:04:56.520 --> 0:05:00.240 called yet this wasn't Casino Royal, It's Chicken roy out 0:05:01.040 --> 0:05:03.840 the man with the Golden Gut. There were just so 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:08.599 many examples of negative comments, and he said something. He 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:12.080 said that he could take them as lighthearted, banter and fun, 0:05:13.000 --> 0:05:15.960 but he said there are people out there who will 0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:18.280 be thinking about this until they go to sleep. And 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:21.960 he said, please, everyone who's leaving these comments, please please 0:05:21.960 --> 0:05:23.880 please take a moment to realize there's a human on 0:05:23.920 --> 0:05:26.440 the other side of the screen. And we can see 0:05:26.480 --> 0:05:29.880 that through this study that so many of our body 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:34.880 image issues, sixty nearly say it comes from other people's comments. 0:05:35.320 --> 0:05:37.800 So that's when the comments are directly at you, but 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:42.120 often it comes from comments about weight, about physical image 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:45.520 that is just said in your vicinity. And so what 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:49.120 does this teach us? What are we learning here when 0:05:49.120 --> 0:05:52.520 we have an insecurity about our body image. What we're 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:55.400 learning is that what we hear, what we read, what 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:59.200 we see is going to inform what we think we 0:05:59.240 --> 0:06:02.200 should be. What we hear, what we read, what we 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:06.560 see is going to inform who we think we should be. 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:12.400 So if we're only reading gossip magazines, if we're only 0:06:12.560 --> 0:06:15.719 seeing what the mainstream media wants us to see, if 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:19.240 we're only hearing and reading that, we're going to feel 0:06:19.279 --> 0:06:26.880 pressure to be that. This is group think bias because 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:29.920 you're surrounded by a group that thinks or feels a 0:06:29.920 --> 0:06:34.840 certain way, and therefore you adopt the same behaviors and mindsets. 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:37.880 So have you been struggling with your body image for 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:40.520 a long time? I want you to think about what 0:06:40.560 --> 0:06:43.800 are you reading, what are you hearing, and what are 0:06:43.800 --> 0:06:47.520 you seeing the most and how could you now this 0:06:47.600 --> 0:06:51.719 week read here and see different things. I want you 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:56.880 to expose yourself to campaigns that have a positive body image. 0:06:57.000 --> 0:07:00.279 I want you to follow people on social media that 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:04.919 you believe are impactful towards you and your beliefs on 0:07:05.040 --> 0:07:11.000 body image. See, we can't always change from the inside 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:13.400 out if we don't start from the outside in. Sometimes 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:16.440 can be either all. But if you're someone who struggled 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:19.040 for a while, we need to start changing your environment. 0:07:19.680 --> 0:07:21.960 And I want you to deeply think about this because 0:07:22.520 --> 0:07:26.000 body image is something that we all struggle with and 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:31.520 it's something that we're constantly identifying with as ourselves now. 0:07:31.560 --> 0:07:33.120 In the bugared Gheta, which is the book that I 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:37.000 talk about, the first lesson in the bugwad Gheta is 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:41.480 you are the soul, not the body, and C. S. 0:07:41.600 --> 0:07:46.360 Lewis interprets that best, in my opinion, he said, you 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:49.640 don't have a soul. You are the soul and you 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:53.880 have a body. And it's amazing that something we have 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:57.640 has become what we use to define how we feel 0:07:57.680 --> 0:08:02.239 about ourselves. It's like saying, I let my clothes define 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:05.480 who I am, because your body is just simply something 0:08:05.480 --> 0:08:09.080 you're wearing on top of your consciousness, and you're letting 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:14.520 that which is simply material and physical, define how you 0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:20.240 feel about yourself. Imagine you let your clothes define how 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:24.600 you feel about yourself. It's incredible to think that. But 0:08:24.680 --> 0:08:27.760 we're doing that with our body, which is a garment, 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:31.560 which is a set of clothes. Now that doesn't mean 0:08:31.600 --> 0:08:33.280 we shouldn't take care of our clothes. It doesn't mean 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:35.840 we shouldn't take care of our body. But we also 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:38.720 have to realize that we are not our bodies. So 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:42.839 when it comes to body images, again, it's coming through 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:46.040 other people's thoughts, other people's comments. Let's really reflect on that. 0:08:46.360 --> 0:08:50.360 But it then says that our nargative thoughts about our 0:08:50.400 --> 0:08:54.959 personality or abilities usually comes from our own mind. So 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:57.360 now it's not even about everyone else out there. Now, 0:08:57.400 --> 0:09:03.800 it's not even about the opinions, expectations, the reflections, the projections. 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:07.720 It's about us. That voice in your head, that inner 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:10.120 critic that says you didn't come up with a good idea, 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:13.560 you don't know what you're doing, you're not good enough, 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:16.520 you're not smart enough. What do we do about that voice? 0:09:17.120 --> 0:09:20.800 What we have to do with that voice is we 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:24.000 have to communicate with it. If you try to ignore 0:09:24.080 --> 0:09:26.840 that voice, it will get louder and louder and louder, 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:30.440 like an alarm, because what that voice is doing is 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:34.600 showing you something that you may want to improve. It's 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:37.960 a signal and an alert. So if I'm at a 0:09:38.000 --> 0:09:42.240 conference and I'm about to speak, I've been invited there 0:09:42.280 --> 0:09:43.839 to give a keynote, to do a Q and A, 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:46.840 to do a fireside chat, and I'm listening to the 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:49.760 speaker before me, and let's say the speaker is speaking 0:09:49.760 --> 0:09:53.040 about something I know nothing about. My insecurity signal goes 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:55.800 up and I think, oh, maybe I need to know 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:58.760 about this. I know nothing about this, and in that moment, 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:01.480 the alarm is so loud you can't make a clear decision. 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.280 So what I'll do is I'll sit with that later 0:10:04.320 --> 0:10:06.040 on and I'll say, well, do I really want to 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:09.559 learn about that. This actually happened recently. I was at 0:10:09.559 --> 0:10:12.400 a conference. I was hearing someone talk about crypto and 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:17.000 NFTs and blockchain, and I know a fair bit from 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:20.400 my digital background, but I haven't immersed myself in it. 0:10:20.840 --> 0:10:22.840 And I walked away thinking that's what I need to know, 0:10:22.840 --> 0:10:25.320 And then I started spending more time on it, and 0:10:25.360 --> 0:10:27.760 I realized that as much as I find it interesting 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:30.199 and I want to be involved in the space, it's 0:10:30.240 --> 0:10:33.040 not something I want to obsess over. And so the 0:10:33.120 --> 0:10:36.440 first point is you're opened up to the signal. You 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:39.760 then want to make time for yourself to reflect, consider 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:44.880 and really what I would say is assess your desire 0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:48.880 to be involved, and then you get to make a decision. 0:10:49.679 --> 0:10:53.439 Don't make a decision before it's moved on from being 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:56.720 a distraction. What we do is we make the distraction 0:10:56.840 --> 0:11:00.240 our decision, but you can wait a bit longer and 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:03.440 decipher whether it truly is something that you want to 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:07.320 care about. So this article is brilliant by the way 0:11:07.480 --> 0:11:11.040 that I'm sharing some of the studies from it says 0:11:11.120 --> 0:11:13.920 that the good news is that developing insecurities when you're 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:16.960 young doesn't mean they'll stay with you forever. In fact, 0:11:16.960 --> 0:11:20.120 the survey found that over fifty percent of women and 0:11:20.160 --> 0:11:23.400 over fifty nine percent of men surveyed now feel that 0:11:23.440 --> 0:11:27.320 they fully come to love and accept themselves and so 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:32.760 dealing with insecurities. Their study shows gets better with age, 0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:36.800 and it talks about how actively working on loving things 0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:40.000 about yourself one step at a time may help to 0:11:40.040 --> 0:11:43.920 find self acceptance. And this is something that really blows 0:11:43.920 --> 0:11:46.400 me away. It's the definition of confidence. I checked this 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:48.600 a few years back and it really stuck with me. 0:11:49.040 --> 0:11:55.360 So confidence is a feeling of self assurance arising from 0:11:55.440 --> 0:12:01.440 one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. Notice how 0:12:01.520 --> 0:12:05.240 confidence doesn't come from other people valuing you, validating you. 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:10.280 It comes from you valuing and validating yourself. So let 0:12:10.360 --> 0:12:13.000 me ask you that question. Now, when was the last 0:12:13.000 --> 0:12:16.520 time you did that? When was the last time you 0:12:16.720 --> 0:12:20.120 sat down? And I want you right now to own 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:21.719 a piece of paper, And I'm going to do this 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:25.040 while I'm talking to you, because I believe it's so important. 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:27.440 I want you to grab a pen and piece of 0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:30.520 paper sitting at my friend's desk, so I'm about to 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:34.440 do this on his but I'm about to just put 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:36.760 a line down the middle of the page, and I 0:12:36.800 --> 0:12:39.960 want you to write on one side abilities, and on 0:12:40.000 --> 0:12:41.959 the other side, I want you to write down qualities. 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:43.959 And I want you to make a list of your 0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:46.880 abilities that you value and your qualities that you value. 0:12:47.480 --> 0:12:49.400 So one of my abilities that I value is my 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:54.760 ability to communicate effectively. I believe that I'm able to understand, synthesize, 0:12:54.840 --> 0:12:58.800 make things really simple, accessible, practical, actionable. And by the way, 0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:01.000 it's hard for me to say that, because I start 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.520 thinking about it, I said, oh wow, am I being egotistic? A? 0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:05.720 Am I being arrogant? Are people going to judge me? 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:08.040 But I'm not saying it from a place of arrogant. 0:13:08.040 --> 0:13:10.920 I'm trying to just live up to this definition that 0:13:11.080 --> 0:13:12.880 is given of confidence. I want to be confident. I 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:15.400 don't want to be arrogant. I don't want to be narcissistic. 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:19.720 Confidence is a feeling of self assurance, arising from one's 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:24.040 appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. Now, let me 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:28.240 think of a quality. I believe that I'm a loyal person. 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:30.840 I really believe I'm a loyal person. I stick by people. 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:33.640 I know your loyal listeners, and I appreciate you for that. 0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:36.160 Loyalty is a very important quality to me. So I 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:40.200 want you to make a list of the abilities and 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:44.280 qualities that you have, and I want you to appreciate 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:48.000 yourself for a second. Now, you may not love yourself 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:50.720 when you say these, but I promise you that the 0:13:50.760 --> 0:13:54.240 more you notice this, the more you learn to love yourself. 0:13:54.280 --> 0:13:57.720 You're practicing it. See, first we have to be aware 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:01.800 of who we are. Then we have to practice that. 0:14:01.920 --> 0:14:03.720 So now that you're aware of these you're going to 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:06.560 beat them more. You're going to be more loyal. I'm 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:09.640 going to be more communicative. And what that leads to 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:13.480 is love. Because now I've made myself aware, then I 0:14:13.559 --> 0:14:17.200 practice it, Then I love. Love starts with awareness and 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:20.920 then practice. When you write down what you're aware of 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:23.240 that you love about yourself, then you practice it more, 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:26.480 you become it more, you love yourself more. It's a 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:29.800 beautiful methodology. So first you have to become aware. Now 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:33.560 on this list, I want you to choose one quality 0:14:33.600 --> 0:14:38.360 every single day, one quality for a week to share. 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:43.960 So let's say my quality, as I said, was loyalty. 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:45.760 I can think about lowerty and I can say, how 0:14:45.760 --> 0:14:48.800 can I experience loyalty? How can I share loyalty with 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:52.360 this person? How can my loyalty help them? Or another 0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:56.120 quality that I may say that I have is my 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:59.440 ability to listen or that's an ability. There you go. 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:01.920 I said ability to listen. So if you have the 0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:03.880 ability to listen, let me now be more of them. 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:07.520 I of myself for listening. This is how we also 0:15:07.560 --> 0:15:10.200 detach from our body when we realized that we have 0:15:10.280 --> 0:15:13.640 qualities and abilities beyond our body to offer to others, 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:16.240 to offer to ourselves. See, we've been brought up to 0:15:16.240 --> 0:15:17.920 believe that the only thing we have to offer to 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:20.400 someone is our body and our appearance. And when you 0:15:20.440 --> 0:15:24.520 feel that way, you question yourself at every step. But 0:15:24.600 --> 0:15:27.160 when you really dive into what are my abilities and 0:15:27.240 --> 0:15:30.680 qualities that I can offer to others, beautiful things can happen. 0:15:31.720 --> 0:15:34.640 One key finding from the survey shows that sixty two 0:15:34.680 --> 0:15:37.720 percent of people who felt positively about their personalities and 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:41.240 abilities above their bodies or other aspects of their life 0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:45.160 felt best about themselves. The study proves that how fascinating 0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:47.320 is that no matter how you feel about your body, 0:15:47.360 --> 0:15:50.920 if you really value your qualities and your abilities, that 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:54.560 will supersede how you feel about your body. Again, that 0:15:54.560 --> 0:15:56.920 doesn't mean you neglect your body. It's just learning to 0:15:56.960 --> 0:15:59.880 love yourself for who you truly are. Now, this is 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:02.680 really really interesting to me. Approximately forty five point nine 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:06.400 percent of survey participants cited caring less about other people's 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:10.800 opinions as the reason they've come to accept themselves nineteen 0:16:10.840 --> 0:16:13.720 point six percent of people said their religion or spirituality 0:16:13.800 --> 0:16:16.840 helped them, and fifteen point seven percent had help from 0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:19.760 family or friends, and eight point eight percent of respondents 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:22.200 said they got help from a therapist. Now, let's just 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:26.800 look at that, not thinking about other people's opinions. Spirituality 0:16:26.840 --> 0:16:30.320 which has community, family of friends, in therapy right down 0:16:30.320 --> 0:16:32.800 those right now? How strong are those for you? Are 0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:35.520 you seeing a therapist right now or a coach? Are 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:40.400 you spiritually connected or religiously connected? Do you have family 0:16:40.440 --> 0:16:42.600 or friends around you that deeply understand you. Remember, it's 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:46.200 not about the number, It's not about the amount of people. Remember, 0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:49.800 it's all about the depth, right, It's all about the depth. 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:55.640 So what I really want you to consider here is 0:16:55.960 --> 0:17:00.720 what are the habits that you practice that you think 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:04.840 are signs that you are experiencing insecurity and you want 0:17:04.840 --> 0:17:07.359 to address them in this way. One of the first 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.800 signs of insecurity, which isn't often seen, is saying yes 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:14.879 to everyone, being a people pleaser, Because what we're saying 0:17:15.000 --> 0:17:18.040 is that I only feel secure when someone else feels 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:21.280 that I am making them secure. How amazing is that 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:23.280 we are feeling. We're trying to say that our sense 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:26.600 of security is based on us feeling like we make 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:29.560 someone else feel secure, But how can we help someone 0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:32.000 else feel secure if we don't feel secure within ourselves. 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:34.880 Another one is that we always criticize others. I find 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:38.800 this to be fascinating. Sometimes I'll be appreciating someone and 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:41.480 I can tell that someone may not even know this person, 0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:45.360 but they can't bring themselves to appreciate them because they 0:17:45.440 --> 0:17:48.520 feel that it somehow reflects negatively on them. Right. So, 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:52.600 I have a friend who's very ambitious and driven, and 0:17:52.760 --> 0:17:55.879 a lot of people around him will criticize him because 0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:59.560 his ambition and drive reminds them of their own lack 0:17:59.600 --> 0:18:04.480 of it. And when you start criticizing someone, start asking yourself, 0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:07.880 am I criticizing them because I'm insecure? And what your 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:10.159 mind will do is you will justify in another way. 0:18:10.200 --> 0:18:11.840 You say no, no no, no, they're a bad person, they've 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:14.119 done bad stuff. No, no, no, they're the right person. 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:15.800 But then think about it, sit there and think about it. 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:19.679 Are you really doing it because you have and insecurity. 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:23.159 I've done this exercise myself and I realized that it 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:26.439 helped me understand that I was insecure because I wasn't 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:32.400 conscious of my own abilities and my qualities and I 0:18:32.440 --> 0:18:37.800 wasn't practicing them enough. Actually, when you let yourself criticize 0:18:37.800 --> 0:18:42.960 someone else, you become those qualities. So now you lose 0:18:43.040 --> 0:18:45.919 yourself completely because you start to do that. Let's say 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:49.480 you don't like someone complains, Now you complain about them complaining. 0:18:49.480 --> 0:18:51.960 What have you become? You become a complainer. Let's say 0:18:51.960 --> 0:18:55.280 you don't like someone who criticizes, but you're criticizing them, 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:58.720 You've now become someone you don't love and like. Let's 0:18:58.760 --> 0:19:01.520 say you don't like someone one because of how they 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:04.600 treat their friends. Ask yourself, honestly, have you ever done 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:06.879 that to someone that you were friends with. It's so 0:19:06.920 --> 0:19:11.320 important to remove insecurities from within ourself by pulling out 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:14.480 the route and trying to change ourselves, not forcing it 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:18.320 to be changing anyone else. So when it comes to 0:19:18.400 --> 0:19:23.679 your insecurities, please don't avoid them and look out for 0:19:23.840 --> 0:19:28.320 where they start to grow. Another way they start to 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:32.440 grow is in our constant seeking a validation. Right, how 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:35.360 many people do you know where they're constantly checking how 0:19:35.400 --> 0:19:38.920 everyone feels about everything they do. Right, You're always trying 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:40.399 to be like, well, what do you think about this? 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:42.440 Do you think it's a good idea. Yeah, I should 0:19:42.480 --> 0:19:46.280 do this right. And so when you see yourself falling 0:19:46.320 --> 0:19:49.959 into that trap, ask yourself, why am I doing this? 0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:52.879 Why am I going through this? Why am I checking 0:19:52.880 --> 0:19:55.919 with myself? Why don't I feel confident in myself? And 0:19:56.040 --> 0:19:57.480 the third way we do it is we do it 0:19:57.520 --> 0:20:04.199 through overcompensating, right, overcompensate for how we feel about something. So, 0:20:04.400 --> 0:20:07.879 to me, insecurity is something that I've dealt with throughout 0:20:07.880 --> 0:20:11.600 my whole life. And you actually find that a lot 0:20:11.640 --> 0:20:16.919 of people, their careers, their journeys are compensating for an 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:22.600 insecurity they felt. So some people chase success and fame 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:26.760 because they felt unwanted when they were younger. Some people 0:20:27.040 --> 0:20:30.880 chase money because they felt unstable when they were younger. 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:35.960 So our pursuit is based on our insecurity. Now, this 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:38.160 is something that we really have to think about because 0:20:38.200 --> 0:20:41.959 if your pursuit is based on your insecurity, when you 0:20:42.040 --> 0:20:45.199 conquer that pursuit, when you get to the top, you 0:20:45.280 --> 0:20:49.719 will still feel insecure. Think about that for a moment. 0:20:50.560 --> 0:20:54.120 If your pursuit is based on an insecurity, even when 0:20:54.160 --> 0:21:00.919 you accomplish that pursuit, you will still feel insecure because 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:05.080 the insecurity did not come from a lack of that thing. 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:09.879 The insecurity came from a lack of you feeling you 0:21:10.080 --> 0:21:14.680 had that, a feeling that you can create that. Right, 0:21:14.760 --> 0:21:17.320 It wasn't that you didn't have fame or success. It's 0:21:17.320 --> 0:21:21.080 that you felt rejected or you felt isolated or lonely. 0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:24.080 So you believe that successful fame would feel that, But 0:21:24.119 --> 0:21:28.200 actually it was a different healing that was required. You're 0:21:28.200 --> 0:21:31.600 almost applying the wrong medicine to the wrong thing. When 0:21:31.680 --> 0:21:33.960 you make money. What that gives you is money, which 0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:38.040 is great, but it doesn't give you stability, security, a 0:21:38.119 --> 0:21:41.800 feeling of confidence, because that can only come from that thing. 0:21:42.640 --> 0:21:46.560 It's like saying I'm flying to New Orleans, but I'm 0:21:46.560 --> 0:21:49.080 expecting to land in LA. It doesn't work like that. 0:21:49.160 --> 0:21:56.280 It's a different ticket, right, Developing confidence and becoming successful 0:21:57.080 --> 0:22:03.080 are different planes, and we're taking one hoping for the 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:07.639 other one to happen. So I just really don't know 0:22:08.480 --> 0:22:11.720 how that ever became the way we live. But as 0:22:11.760 --> 0:22:14.280 you can see, it's a recipe for a lot of 0:22:14.320 --> 0:22:18.879 long term challenges and issues in our lives. And I 0:22:18.880 --> 0:22:23.040 wanted to share this too that a lot of people 0:22:23.880 --> 0:22:28.359 when I first met them, I thought that they were egotistic, 0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:31.400 or I thought that they were arrogant, or I thought 0:22:31.400 --> 0:22:34.440 that they were cold, and I realized they were just insecure. 0:22:35.280 --> 0:22:38.399 When you meet someone who's arrogant or overcompensating, as I 0:22:38.480 --> 0:22:41.399 was saying, or you meet someone who's cold, or you 0:22:41.440 --> 0:22:45.920 meet someone who's kind of feels cocky, often it's because 0:22:45.960 --> 0:22:49.600 they're feeling and insecurity. So when you send some arrogance 0:22:49.640 --> 0:22:53.120 from someone, you can actually if you really pay attention, 0:22:53.280 --> 0:22:57.359 and you'll notice that they're actually dealing with a deep insecurity. 0:22:58.480 --> 0:23:02.160 And what that changes is that you now realize that 0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:05.760 it's not that that person is overconfident or that they 0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:08.119 think that much of themselves. It's actually that they probably 0:23:08.160 --> 0:23:13.080 don't think enough of themselves. Right, we think that people 0:23:13.119 --> 0:23:16.080 think too much of themselves. Actually they don't think enough 0:23:16.119 --> 0:23:19.600 of themselves, and that's why they end up in that position. So, 0:23:19.640 --> 0:23:21.720 if you have a friend who's dealing with insecurity, you 0:23:21.760 --> 0:23:24.600 may think telling them that they're amazing or telling them 0:23:24.680 --> 0:23:28.080 that they do something really well will solve that insecurity. Now, 0:23:28.119 --> 0:23:33.440 the reason that doesn't work is because when you give 0:23:33.480 --> 0:23:38.560 that glorification or those statements to someone, they now think 0:23:38.600 --> 0:23:40.119 they have to constantly give up to that, so that 0:23:40.160 --> 0:23:42.600 creates another sense of insecurity. So let's say they did 0:23:42.680 --> 0:23:44.639 something well and you said you did that really well, 0:23:45.080 --> 0:23:46.879 They're now insecure that they won't be able to do 0:23:46.920 --> 0:23:50.400 it again. So actually, when you're working with someone who 0:23:50.400 --> 0:23:52.560 has insecurity, or you have a friend or family member 0:23:52.560 --> 0:23:55.480 who has high insecurities, and from your outside perspective, you're 0:23:55.480 --> 0:24:00.840 confused because they look amazing, they're doing amazing, successful in 0:24:00.840 --> 0:24:03.359 their own right, and you're wondering, how is this person anxious? 0:24:03.400 --> 0:24:05.760