Speaker 1: Hey, there are folks. Lisa w wrote to us asking
Speaker 1: for some relationship advice. You see, her boyfriend's very rich
Speaker 1: and very female good friend is budding into their relationship.
Speaker 1: Lisa says he's been telling his female friend very private
Speaker 1: things about their relationship. And get this, the female friend
Speaker 1: even says the guy is her soulmate, not Lisa's robox.
Speaker 1: Advice to Lisa run don't walk away from that relationship.
Speaker 1: My advice, Eh, we need to ask a few questions first,
Speaker 1: and with that, welcome to this relationship advice edition of
Speaker 1: Amy and TJ. This episode robes a follow up to
Speaker 1: our to our most recent Yahoo advice column.
Speaker 2: That's right, it was our debut Yahoo advice column And
Speaker 2: if you haven't heard, yes, TJ and I have partnered
Speaker 2: with Yahoo for a new relationship column. Each week on Monday,
Speaker 2: we address one reader's relationship dilemma and then we give
Speaker 2: our take. And then here on the Amy and TJ
Speaker 2: podcast is where we can continue that conversation with some
Speaker 2: of your takes on the relationship issue. Because yes, many
Speaker 2: of you have put in your comments at the bottom
Speaker 2: of our relationship advice column on Yahoo, and we definitely
Speaker 2: encourage those of you. If you haven't checked it out,
Speaker 2: please you can check it out every Monday and feel
Speaker 2: free to say whatever you think is the right thing
Speaker 2: for our person who wrote in to do You may
Speaker 2: disagree with us.
Speaker 1: I don't know why we Uh, clearly we are experts
Speaker 1: in this field. No experts is not something we would
Speaker 1: ever use, and it's something we joked about when we
Speaker 1: went back and forth with Yahoo about doing this in
Speaker 1: the first place. No, we're not saying we're experts. We're
Speaker 1: not even saying we have expertise. Rather, we have.
Speaker 3: Experience a lot of it, lots.
Speaker 1: And lots of experience in doing things right and wrong.
Speaker 1: I mean, you go all the things people deal with,
Speaker 1: getting married young, did that, having kids young? Did that? Divorce,
Speaker 1: second divorce, blended families, interracial relateationship, age differences, work related
Speaker 1: I mean, you keep going.
Speaker 3: On and on and on dating a coworker.
Speaker 2: Yes, I feel like we've almost checked off every box
Speaker 2: and I am actually good. I don't need to check
Speaker 2: off any more boxes. I'm hoping not to check any
Speaker 2: more boxes off. But with all of that hard earned experience,
Speaker 2: we hope to at least help people maybe not make
Speaker 2: some of the mistakes we did, or recognize when things
Speaker 2: are going wrong and you need to get out before
Speaker 2: we did. You know, those are some of the things
Speaker 2: you want to take with you. You learn along the way,
Speaker 2: and a lot of times it's to know when to leave.
Speaker 1: And sometimes and what I have really embraced is helping
Speaker 1: people through it. Right. A lot of people meet us
Speaker 1: where they are after already done something, and so it's
Speaker 1: important to know that other folks have gone through it
Speaker 1: and to see them on the other side and to
Speaker 1: know how to get to the other side is very
Speaker 1: important to us as well. We oh, and we do
Speaker 1: want to say thanks to Yahoo. They reached out to
Speaker 1: us and we were scratching our heads like somebody wants
Speaker 1: relationship advice from us. It makes sense now, yeah, of
Speaker 1: course it does. But for them to reach out and
Speaker 1: think that we had some value to add to this
Speaker 1: type of conversation, and it's something we actually.
Speaker 2: Do love doing, yes, and we take pride in it
Speaker 2: because we've been working really hard at hours and not
Speaker 2: just our romantic relationship but all the relationships in our
Speaker 2: lives after everything we've been through and to your point, TJ,
Speaker 2: so many people have gone through something similar or something
Speaker 2: tumultuous or something painful, and we hope we can help
Speaker 2: each other get through all of life's difficulty.
Speaker 1: So yeah, certainly, I thank you to y'ahoo. If you
Speaker 1: want to find the column, yes, it'll be up there.
Speaker 1: You just go to yahoo dot com and go to
Speaker 1: the life section. It should yea, our smiling faces should
Speaker 1: pop right up very soon. But let's go to our
Speaker 1: debut column. This week's column, the very first one, Lisa W.
Speaker 1: Robes wrote in to us.
Speaker 2: Yes, this is what she asked Amy and TJ. When
Speaker 2: I started dating my boyfriend, I knew he was friendly
Speaker 2: with this monacito socialite, a housewife whose husband often traveled
Speaker 2: for work. I thought I'd be gaining a girlfriend in
Speaker 2: this woman, But apparently the socialite thinks of my guy
Speaker 2: as her kept man, a backup plan. Once she invited
Speaker 2: us onto her yacht and trapped me literally at a
Speaker 2: table where I couldn't escape. After she downed a few
Speaker 2: big glasses of vodka, she proceeded to tell me how
Speaker 2: my guy told her she's the one for him, if
Speaker 2: only she weren't married. She said they were soulmates. She
Speaker 2: also revealed conversations the two of them have had about me,
Speaker 2: and she even knew private things I had shared with
Speaker 2: my guy. Basically, she let me know that this man
Speaker 2: was on loan to me and that if she wanted him,
Speaker 2: she could have him. I don't want to break up
Speaker 2: with this man. Up until this point, it's been smooth sailing.
Speaker 2: How can I get over their connection and forgive this
Speaker 2: breach of trust?
Speaker 3: Lisa W.
Speaker 1: And my advice in summary till Lisa W. Was obviously
Speaker 1: you have to have an immediate conversation, not with Lisa
Speaker 1: excuse me, not with the other woman, excuse me. You
Speaker 1: have to have it with your boyfriend and get this
Speaker 1: worked out, period, point blank. That's it. It's got to
Speaker 1: get resolved, and it's not her fault. Stop looking at
Speaker 1: her as the problem. She was allowed into the relationship.
Speaker 1: She didn't just kick down the door. Somebody let her in.
Speaker 1: It was your boyfriend.
Speaker 2: That conversation has to happen, and I agree with you
Speaker 2: that she absolutely has to ask and talk to her
Speaker 2: boyfriend about this. Because this other woman to socialite, didn't
Speaker 2: say that she was going to love you, didn't say
Speaker 2: that she was in a committed relationship with you.
Speaker 3: She actually has no.
Speaker 2: Responsibility to you or towards your feelings. It is your
Speaker 2: boyfriend who does and so one hundred percent I agree
Speaker 2: with that. But given that huge breach of trust, yes,
Speaker 2: I think she should ask him questions, but I think
Speaker 2: she should be prepared to leave.
Speaker 3: And I said, run, don't walk. This relationship is probably
Speaker 3: not going to be for you, and I.
Speaker 1: Part was the breach.
Speaker 2: The breach was that he was telling private, intimate things
Speaker 2: about her to this woman. He breached her trust by
Speaker 2: sharing intimate details of her life.
Speaker 1: Okay, can we stop right there. Don't people in relationships
Speaker 1: do that all the time. You go to your best
Speaker 1: friends and you tell them intimate things all the time.
Speaker 3: You and I have had this conversation that we don't
Speaker 3: do that.
Speaker 1: No, we do not, But I'm saying I don't find
Speaker 1: it uncommon for folks. I've had friends come to me
Speaker 1: and tell me intimate details of their relationship.
Speaker 2: But if you're telling someone intimate details about your relationship,
Speaker 2: someone who you trust, who then takes that information and
Speaker 2: throws it in your girlfriend's face, then I think you
Speaker 2: have to Then I would expect my boyfriend, and again
Speaker 2: I know ultimatums don't work, but expect my boyfriend to
Speaker 2: then say we can't be friends, I can't trust you,
Speaker 2: or I can never have private conversations with you, because
Speaker 2: clearly you not only did you tell my girlfriend what
Speaker 2: I told you, but used it against her and made
Speaker 2: her doubt herself and doubt our relationships.
Speaker 1: I wondered if he was aware that the friend was
Speaker 1: doing this in front of his girlfriend. If his girlfriend
Speaker 1: hasn't let him know, Lisa w Lisa hasn't let him know,
Speaker 1: then I can't imagine the other friend would have, so
Speaker 1: he might not be unaware, that's fair.
Speaker 2: But once she tells him, oh, yeah, his reaction is
Speaker 2: the dower diamond is everything. Yeah, because if he doesn't
Speaker 2: say that is egregious. I am going to talk to
Speaker 2: her and I am going to alter my relationship with her,
Speaker 2: and that is the only way she could stay with him.
Speaker 1: An initial reaction might be the deal breaker, like just
Speaker 1: to see the look on his face and you can
Speaker 1: tell how this is going to go. Yeah, that's key.
Speaker 1: That's key, all right. So that was some of the
Speaker 1: advice we gave. You can again read the rest of
Speaker 1: it in detail Yahoo dot com the Life section where
Speaker 1: you can find it. But Robes you've been digging into
Speaker 1: more of the comments that people have been sending back
Speaker 1: than I have. We're going to read a few in particular.
Speaker 1: But you said a couple themes jumped out. One had
Speaker 1: to do with the number of men that wrote in.
Speaker 1: And also just how men and women different?
Speaker 2: Is ye? How they saw that very very different? And
Speaker 2: I actually thought it was interesting and provocative.
Speaker 3: We had.
Speaker 2: I believe this was a man? Yes, head is this phenom?
Speaker 2: Is the person who wrote in the comment?
Speaker 3: Or phenom? Only a man would call himself phenom? Right?
Speaker 3: But I do like what he said.
Speaker 2: He said women share private secrets about their partners all
Speaker 2: the time. It is humorous to hear a woman being
Speaker 2: upset when a man shares a secret, and I hear
Speaker 2: what he's saying. But if a man shared his secret
Speaker 2: with another male friend to get like camaraderie or brotherhood,
Speaker 2: but to share it with another woman, that's when it
Speaker 2: feels like a betrayal.
Speaker 1: Wait a second, wait, wait, wait, wait wait. If it's
Speaker 1: a good friend, it's a good friend. The sex of
Speaker 1: that friend should not matter. It only matters to a woman.
Speaker 2: It matters because there was a motivation behind this woman
Speaker 2: to then throw it in her face and say.
Speaker 1: He I can have him whenever I want, taking it
Speaker 1: out on the woman and not the man.
Speaker 4: But him sharing it with a woman was dumb?
Speaker 1: Okay? Was this an egregious breach of a relationship? Just
Speaker 1: like phenom I wrote in here, he's laughing because women
Speaker 1: do this.
Speaker 3: All We share it with other women.
Speaker 2: If we told another heterosexual man who then came up
Speaker 2: and confronted our boyfriend and made him feel like he
Speaker 2: was the man.
Speaker 1: Stop the confronting part. Let's just stick with if you.
Speaker 2: A woman, I wouldn't like it if you shared it
Speaker 2: with a woman. I'd be more comfortable if you shared
Speaker 2: it with a man one hundred percent. One hundred percent,
Speaker 2: because women judge each other and so and I don't
Speaker 2: think that's fair.
Speaker 3: A man wouldn't.
Speaker 4: So that is so true.
Speaker 2: If you, if you shared something private about me, one
Speaker 2: hundred percent, would feel much more comfortable if you shared
Speaker 2: it with a male friend of yours. If you shared
Speaker 2: it with a female friend of yours, that would feel
Speaker 2: like a betrayal to me.
Speaker 1: So I just don't feel the same. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: reverse it and think, if you told a what.
Speaker 3: A heterosexual male friend of mine.
Speaker 1: Male friend of yours, versus a girlfriend of your yours.
Speaker 2: Would that bother Would that make a difference in how
Speaker 2: you felt?
Speaker 1: Oh, your male friends are gay?
Speaker 3: I do have a couple heterosexual friends.
Speaker 1: Well, then we have a problem because you've never.
Speaker 2: Ever No, you know Chase. I'll just go ahead and say,
Speaker 2: you know, Chase, I don't have a lot of heterosexual
Speaker 2: male friends. Mostly they are into other men. But would
Speaker 2: that make a difference for.
Speaker 1: You if you told to No, I don't think so.
Speaker 3: That's funny. It totally would make a difference. It's a
Speaker 3: night and day.
Speaker 1: I am actually using Chase as an example. No, it
Speaker 1: would not. Wow. And maybe it's because I have a
Speaker 1: relationship with Chase. Maybe because I know him, I've been
Speaker 1: around him, I'm comfortable with him. Maybe I don't know.
Speaker 1: But I I sit here and you're looking at my face.
Speaker 3: I believe you.
Speaker 4: I'm just believe me that it would matter to me.
Speaker 1: Is this next one a guy or girl? That wrote this?
Speaker 3: Is a guy too?
Speaker 1: Doctor is what he calls himself.
Speaker 3: You know what, No, this could be a girl. I'm
Speaker 3: not sure who doctor is.
Speaker 2: First mistake is when your guy doesn't get relationship code
Speaker 2: no female friends to the extent that they have alone
Speaker 2: time where this kind of intimacy is happening.
Speaker 3: I agree with that.
Speaker 2: I think if you are in a committed relationship, having
Speaker 2: an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex
Speaker 2: is asking for potential problems an intimate not just a hey,
Speaker 2: let's go out and have a drink or what what
Speaker 2: goes beyond that? Telling personal details about your relationship to
Speaker 2: a friend of the opposite sex.
Speaker 3: I think that's an issue.
Speaker 1: Okay, yes, as it's been established, we get.
Speaker 4: But do you think that's relationship code or not?
Speaker 1: No? I think cases are absolutely different. I think key
Speaker 1: to this is that your partner needs to have a
Speaker 1: very close relationship with that friend of yours. So if
Speaker 1: I have a very close girlfriend, you all need to
Speaker 1: be damn close. And if we didn't all become friends together,
Speaker 1: if it's somebody was in my life before you and
Speaker 1: I started dating, then that I should never go hang
Speaker 1: out with this other woman in the first two months,
Speaker 1: three months of our relationship, first year, two year. Right,
Speaker 1: you got to work somebody. You have to understand to
Speaker 1: respect that enough. Until you're comfortable with the relationship, then
Speaker 1: it's not gonna work.
Speaker 2: Agreed, Okay, we can agree with that one. Okay, This
Speaker 2: next one I think is funny. And this is the
Speaker 2: one for sure that was written by a man. I
Speaker 2: don't even know how to say this.
Speaker 1: This reader's name thought you there was a typo when
Speaker 1: you put it in there.
Speaker 4: So Fuinthia, Flinthia.
Speaker 2: Okay, this is what Punthia wrote. There is a reason
Speaker 2: men don't have this problem. If another man said that
Speaker 2: to me about my wife, my right fist would gladly
Speaker 2: accept the invitation to his left cheek. If a woman
Speaker 2: has a male friend, that male friend is absolutely laying
Speaker 2: low until his chance to pounce. So he's saying that
Speaker 2: men are never friends with women unless they actually want
Speaker 2: to have sex with him.
Speaker 4: Even if he says he's attracted to other men.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna want to see some proof. Bring out the BF.
Speaker 2: So I think that's really funny. He wants to see
Speaker 2: the boyfriend. There's no way he's gonna believe that your
Speaker 2: girl has a gay a GBF, a gay best friend.
Speaker 2: He's saying he won't even believe that the guy is
Speaker 2: gay until he sees the boyfriend.
Speaker 1: This is fun and he makes a good point, and
Speaker 1: in doing so does it in a very funny way.
Speaker 1: This is a very key way to do it. This
Speaker 1: is always a challenge. But I don't I don't know.
Speaker 1: I haven't found that it's been an issue for me,
Speaker 1: and I haven't found that it's been necessarily a challenge
Speaker 1: With female friends in my life, I've just always had
Speaker 1: them been very close. Now you and I end up, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: you're the only female friend I ever had, I've ever
Speaker 1: ended up dating.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that is actually true for me too. I have
Speaker 2: had plenty of male friends. I think in newsrooms especially, Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, we end up pairing up with other producers
Speaker 2: or other anchors or correspondence. Correct, because who else's job
Speaker 2: is from three am until eleven am and then eleven am?
Speaker 2: What do you do?
Speaker 3: And everybody else is at work?
Speaker 1: Your day's off of Wednesday Thursday too.
Speaker 3: Right, exactly.
Speaker 2: So I had so many male friends who were heterosexual,
Speaker 2: who had girlfriends or even wives, and we would go
Speaker 2: to the movies or we would go because we yes,
Speaker 2: and I've never dated any one of them except for you.
Speaker 3: So that's true. All right.
Speaker 2: Here's the one that's funny, private writes. Now reverse the
Speaker 2: genders of all involved and see how the advice and
Speaker 2: comments change.
Speaker 1: That's exactly what we've been going at. So for about it.
Speaker 1: It's true men view this differently, you change it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a man in all of these would view it differently
Speaker 1: if they were in the position of the friend or
Speaker 1: the position of the girlfriend you just view.
Speaker 2: Think about this, if I had a best friend who
Speaker 2: was a heterosexual man who had a wife so married. Right,
Speaker 2: he comes to you and starts telling you all these
Speaker 2: things I've said about you or said about us to him,
Speaker 2: and then tells you that I told him if he
Speaker 2: weren't married, he would be my guy and we were soulmates.
Speaker 3: You would break up with me immediately.
Speaker 1: Oh, I would come to you immediately. I would ask
Speaker 1: you probably a few I don't need that many direct
Speaker 1: questions to get to what I'm getting at. But yeah,
Speaker 1: it's worth the conversation between me and you. But I
Speaker 1: have he is I'm done, like in life with him.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're never going to hang out with him again.
Speaker 1: Nothing. He and I are ever going to discuss again.
Speaker 1: He's not a part of this. I'm not mad at
Speaker 1: him nothing. This is me and you think, Baby, I'm
Speaker 1: coming directly to you. This will get resolved in fifteen
Speaker 1: minutes exactly. Ops.
Speaker 2: Yes, and I think that is the way to handle it,
Speaker 2: without emotion, with purpose, and with clarity. Yes you're looking
Speaker 2: for clarity, and okay this one Daniel, another guy. There
Speaker 2: were so many men who wrote in that actually surprised me.
Speaker 2: I mean, certainly women wrote into, but a lot of
Speaker 2: men died, which I thought was pretty cool. So Daniel writes,
Speaker 2: dating is the job interview for marriage if you don't
Speaker 2: want to be married someday, stated up front and have
Speaker 2: fun for the ride. From a male perspective, I would
Speaker 2: not like the woman I was dating hanging out with
Speaker 2: another male solo history or no history. The fact remains
Speaker 2: is that very few women note the women hosting a
Speaker 2: reply are not these women can truly remain friends with
Speaker 2: a male. Okay, women's own worst enemy is other women.
Speaker 2: They claim empowerment but consistently bring each other down. And sadly,
Speaker 2: I do agree with you, Daniel, that is sadly true.
Speaker 2: I don't agree with him when saying that very few
Speaker 2: women can remain friends with a male. I actually think
Speaker 2: that's incredibly possible. But I do agree that women's own
Speaker 2: worst enemy is other women or themselves.
Speaker 1: Even yeah, I don't yet. That's always a debate. That's
Speaker 1: always a conversation about just men and women can't be
Speaker 1: friends and stay friends and just be friends. I just
Speaker 1: have had too many experiences in like I sit here
Speaker 1: as a guy now dating someone who is at one
Speaker 1: point my best friend.
Speaker 2: People point to us and say, oh, okay, you can
Speaker 2: say that, but look what happened with y'all.
Speaker 1: That you absolutely can. But I have had an entire
Speaker 1: life and history of female friends that this has been
Speaker 1: a non issue. And obviously we have examples we have
Speaker 1: seen in life, and I think people truly are just friends.
Speaker 1: It is possible. So I absolutely would take issue, and no,
Speaker 1: would never say just a blanket, no man or a
Speaker 1: woman can be friends. Now, you should be respectful of
Speaker 1: your relationship, yes, and say you're not going out with
Speaker 1: a friend of the opposite sex for some intimate dinner
Speaker 1: and then going to go hang out at the hotel
Speaker 1: bar with them, and then you know, it's just respect
Speaker 1: of your own relationship. That's just not a good look.
Speaker 2: Exactly so, and I totally agree with everything you just said.
Speaker 2: Will end with Sherry. I just thought she said this
Speaker 2: very succinctly and it.
Speaker 3: Made me chuckle.
Speaker 2: And I don't disagree with her two's company. Three's a crowd,
Speaker 2: especially the yacht woman. She sounds like a narcissist. Let
Speaker 2: her have him, sounds like they deserve each other.
Speaker 1: Jeez. Okay, that's one way to look at it, Sherry.
Speaker 1: I just have a few questions. First, nothing, I'd have
Speaker 1: nothing to say to yacht lady. She's not a part
Speaker 1: of this.
Speaker 2: I do like that mentality of not confronting the woman
Speaker 2: who was clearly stirring the pot. Clearly was deliberately trying
Speaker 2: to poke the bear, but it was her own insecurity.
Speaker 2: It was her own insecurity of their relationship and wanting
Speaker 2: him to be her backup plan. I truly believe that
Speaker 2: the yacht woman wanted a backup plan, wanted this other
Speaker 2: girl out of the way, and was very jealous of
Speaker 2: the relationship they had, because clearly she doesn't have a
Speaker 2: good one with her husband.
Speaker 1: You spoke about insecurity. Can that word be applied to
Speaker 1: the lady who wrote in Lisa w there's an insecurity
Speaker 1: about her own relationship. Yes, they're not for her to
Speaker 1: be asking us and not him, immediately says a whole lot. Now,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure. By the time this is out, maybe
Speaker 1: she's talked to him, and I hope it has all
Speaker 1: gotten worked out. But she came here for advice when
Speaker 1: it seemed like an automatic. This is all on him,
Speaker 1: isn't it usually our fault?
Speaker 3: Yes? Stop, you asked the question, I gave you the answer.
Speaker 2: Lisa w though, if you're listening, if you would ever
Speaker 2: like to contact us or write back in or leave
Speaker 2: a comment, we would love a follow up. We would
Speaker 2: love to know if you confronted him. We would love
Speaker 2: to know what happened. I'm sure listeners and readers would too,
Speaker 2: so but we wish you the very best. I think
Speaker 2: it's I do think there is something if she didn't
Speaker 2: feel brave enough or confident enough to confront her boyfriend
Speaker 2: at the time, I think it's cool that she was
Speaker 2: willing to ask a question and spark a conversation so
Speaker 2: we could all kind of think about how we would
Speaker 2: handle it and how to best handle situations like these
Speaker 2: may pop up. On it.
Speaker 1: She's working on it, and this is clearly still bothering her.
Speaker 1: She is working on it, so I hope she's gotten
Speaker 1: worked out, and you know what, if they can find
Speaker 1: a way to be together. You know, I'm always rooting
Speaker 1: for love. She says she did not want to break
Speaker 1: up with this trend. We can find a way to
Speaker 1: avoid that and be happy and not hurt each other,
Speaker 1: then I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2: So Lisa w we wish you the very best and
Speaker 2: thank you for listening to us. And please again check
Speaker 2: out our column ask Amy and TJ on yahoo dot
Speaker 2: com Calm Quick Life and you will find us. Have
Speaker 2: a great day, everyone,