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Speaker 1: Hey, there are folks. Lisa w wrote to us asking

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Speaker 1: for some relationship advice. You see, her boyfriend's very rich

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Speaker 1: and very female good friend is budding into their relationship.

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Speaker 1: Lisa says he's been telling his female friend very private

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Speaker 1: things about their relationship. And get this, the female friend

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Speaker 1: even says the guy is her soulmate, not Lisa's robox.

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Speaker 1: Advice to Lisa run don't walk away from that relationship.

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Speaker 1: My advice, Eh, we need to ask a few questions first,

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Speaker 1: and with that, welcome to this relationship advice edition of

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Speaker 1: Amy and TJ. This episode robes a follow up to

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Speaker 1: our to our most recent Yahoo advice column.

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Speaker 2: That's right, it was our debut Yahoo advice column And

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Speaker 2: if you haven't heard, yes, TJ and I have partnered

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Speaker 2: with Yahoo for a new relationship column. Each week on Monday,

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Speaker 2: we address one reader's relationship dilemma and then we give

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Speaker 2: our take. And then here on the Amy and TJ

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Speaker 2: podcast is where we can continue that conversation with some

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Speaker 2: of your takes on the relationship issue. Because yes, many

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Speaker 2: of you have put in your comments at the bottom

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Speaker 2: of our relationship advice column on Yahoo, and we definitely

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Speaker 2: encourage those of you. If you haven't checked it out,

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Speaker 2: please you can check it out every Monday and feel

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Speaker 2: free to say whatever you think is the right thing

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Speaker 2: for our person who wrote in to do You may

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Speaker 2: disagree with us.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why we Uh, clearly we are experts

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Speaker 1: in this field. No experts is not something we would

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Speaker 1: ever use, and it's something we joked about when we

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Speaker 1: went back and forth with Yahoo about doing this in

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Speaker 1: the first place. No, we're not saying we're experts. We're

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Speaker 1: not even saying we have expertise. Rather, we have.

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Speaker 3: Experience a lot of it, lots.

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Speaker 1: And lots of experience in doing things right and wrong.

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Speaker 1: I mean, you go all the things people deal with,

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Speaker 1: getting married young, did that, having kids young? Did that? Divorce,

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Speaker 1: second divorce, blended families, interracial relateationship, age differences, work related

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Speaker 1: I mean, you keep going.

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Speaker 3: On and on and on dating a coworker.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I feel like we've almost checked off every box

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Speaker 2: and I am actually good. I don't need to check

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Speaker 2: off any more boxes. I'm hoping not to check any

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Speaker 2: more boxes off. But with all of that hard earned experience,

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Speaker 2: we hope to at least help people maybe not make

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Speaker 2: some of the mistakes we did, or recognize when things

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Speaker 2: are going wrong and you need to get out before

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Speaker 2: we did. You know, those are some of the things

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Speaker 2: you want to take with you. You learn along the way,

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Speaker 2: and a lot of times it's to know when to leave.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes and what I have really embraced is helping

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Speaker 1: people through it. Right. A lot of people meet us

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Speaker 1: where they are after already done something, and so it's

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Speaker 1: important to know that other folks have gone through it

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Speaker 1: and to see them on the other side and to

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Speaker 1: know how to get to the other side is very

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Speaker 1: important to us as well. We oh, and we do

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Speaker 1: want to say thanks to Yahoo. They reached out to

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Speaker 1: us and we were scratching our heads like somebody wants

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Speaker 1: relationship advice from us. It makes sense now, yeah, of

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Speaker 1: course it does. But for them to reach out and

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Speaker 1: think that we had some value to add to this

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Speaker 1: type of conversation, and it's something we actually.

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Speaker 2: Do love doing, yes, and we take pride in it

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Speaker 2: because we've been working really hard at hours and not

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Speaker 2: just our romantic relationship but all the relationships in our

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Speaker 2: lives after everything we've been through and to your point, TJ,

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Speaker 2: so many people have gone through something similar or something

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Speaker 2: tumultuous or something painful, and we hope we can help

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Speaker 2: each other get through all of life's difficulty.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, certainly, I thank you to y'ahoo. If you

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Speaker 1: want to find the column, yes, it'll be up there.

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Speaker 1: You just go to yahoo dot com and go to

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Speaker 1: the life section. It should yea, our smiling faces should

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Speaker 1: pop right up very soon. But let's go to our

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Speaker 1: debut column. This week's column, the very first one, Lisa W.

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Speaker 1: Robes wrote in to us.

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Speaker 2: Yes, this is what she asked Amy and TJ. When

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Speaker 2: I started dating my boyfriend, I knew he was friendly

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Speaker 2: with this monacito socialite, a housewife whose husband often traveled

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Speaker 2: for work. I thought I'd be gaining a girlfriend in

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Speaker 2: this woman, But apparently the socialite thinks of my guy

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Speaker 2: as her kept man, a backup plan. Once she invited

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Speaker 2: us onto her yacht and trapped me literally at a

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Speaker 2: table where I couldn't escape. After she downed a few

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Speaker 2: big glasses of vodka, she proceeded to tell me how

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Speaker 2: my guy told her she's the one for him, if

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Speaker 2: only she weren't married. She said they were soulmates. She

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Speaker 2: also revealed conversations the two of them have had about me,

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Speaker 2: and she even knew private things I had shared with

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Speaker 2: my guy. Basically, she let me know that this man

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Speaker 2: was on loan to me and that if she wanted him,

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Speaker 2: she could have him. I don't want to break up

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Speaker 2: with this man. Up until this point, it's been smooth sailing.

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Speaker 2: How can I get over their connection and forgive this

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Speaker 2: breach of trust?

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Speaker 3: Lisa W.

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Speaker 1: And my advice in summary till Lisa W. Was obviously

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Speaker 1: you have to have an immediate conversation, not with Lisa

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Speaker 1: excuse me, not with the other woman, excuse me. You

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Speaker 1: have to have it with your boyfriend and get this

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Speaker 1: worked out, period, point blank. That's it. It's got to

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Speaker 1: get resolved, and it's not her fault. Stop looking at

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Speaker 1: her as the problem. She was allowed into the relationship.

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Speaker 1: She didn't just kick down the door. Somebody let her in.

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Speaker 1: It was your boyfriend.

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Speaker 2: That conversation has to happen, and I agree with you

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Speaker 2: that she absolutely has to ask and talk to her

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Speaker 2: boyfriend about this. Because this other woman to socialite, didn't

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Speaker 2: say that she was going to love you, didn't say

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Speaker 2: that she was in a committed relationship with you.

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Speaker 3: She actually has no.

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Speaker 2: Responsibility to you or towards your feelings. It is your

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Speaker 2: boyfriend who does and so one hundred percent I agree

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Speaker 2: with that. But given that huge breach of trust, yes,

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Speaker 2: I think she should ask him questions, but I think

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Speaker 2: she should be prepared to leave.

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Speaker 3: And I said, run, don't walk. This relationship is probably

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Speaker 3: not going to be for you, and I.

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Speaker 1: Part was the breach.

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Speaker 2: The breach was that he was telling private, intimate things

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Speaker 2: about her to this woman. He breached her trust by

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Speaker 2: sharing intimate details of her life.

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Speaker 1: Okay, can we stop right there. Don't people in relationships

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Speaker 1: do that all the time. You go to your best

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Speaker 1: friends and you tell them intimate things all the time.

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Speaker 3: You and I have had this conversation that we don't

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Speaker 3: do that.

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Speaker 1: No, we do not, But I'm saying I don't find

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Speaker 1: it uncommon for folks. I've had friends come to me

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Speaker 1: and tell me intimate details of their relationship.

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Speaker 2: But if you're telling someone intimate details about your relationship,

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Speaker 2: someone who you trust, who then takes that information and

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Speaker 2: throws it in your girlfriend's face, then I think you

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Speaker 2: have to Then I would expect my boyfriend, and again

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Speaker 2: I know ultimatums don't work, but expect my boyfriend to

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Speaker 2: then say we can't be friends, I can't trust you,

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Speaker 2: or I can never have private conversations with you, because

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Speaker 2: clearly you not only did you tell my girlfriend what

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Speaker 2: I told you, but used it against her and made

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Speaker 2: her doubt herself and doubt our relationships.

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Speaker 1: I wondered if he was aware that the friend was

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Speaker 1: doing this in front of his girlfriend. If his girlfriend

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Speaker 1: hasn't let him know, Lisa w Lisa hasn't let him know,

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Speaker 1: then I can't imagine the other friend would have, so

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Speaker 1: he might not be unaware, that's fair.

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Speaker 2: But once she tells him, oh, yeah, his reaction is

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Speaker 2: the dower diamond is everything. Yeah, because if he doesn't

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Speaker 2: say that is egregious. I am going to talk to

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Speaker 2: her and I am going to alter my relationship with her,

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Speaker 2: and that is the only way she could stay with him.

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Speaker 1: An initial reaction might be the deal breaker, like just

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Speaker 1: to see the look on his face and you can

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Speaker 1: tell how this is going to go. Yeah, that's key.

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Speaker 1: That's key, all right. So that was some of the

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Speaker 1: advice we gave. You can again read the rest of

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Speaker 1: it in detail Yahoo dot com the Life section where

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Speaker 1: you can find it. But Robes you've been digging into

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Speaker 1: more of the comments that people have been sending back

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Speaker 1: than I have. We're going to read a few in particular.

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Speaker 1: But you said a couple themes jumped out. One had

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Speaker 1: to do with the number of men that wrote in.

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Speaker 1: And also just how men and women different?

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Speaker 2: Is ye? How they saw that very very different? And

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Speaker 2: I actually thought it was interesting and provocative.

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Speaker 3: We had.

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Speaker 2: I believe this was a man? Yes, head is this phenom?

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Speaker 2: Is the person who wrote in the comment?

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Speaker 3: Or phenom? Only a man would call himself phenom? Right?

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Speaker 3: But I do like what he said.

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Speaker 2: He said women share private secrets about their partners all

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Speaker 2: the time. It is humorous to hear a woman being

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Speaker 2: upset when a man shares a secret, and I hear

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Speaker 2: what he's saying. But if a man shared his secret

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Speaker 2: with another male friend to get like camaraderie or brotherhood,

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Speaker 2: but to share it with another woman, that's when it

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Speaker 2: feels like a betrayal.

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Speaker 1: Wait a second, wait, wait, wait, wait wait. If it's

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Speaker 1: a good friend, it's a good friend. The sex of

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Speaker 1: that friend should not matter. It only matters to a woman.

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Speaker 2: It matters because there was a motivation behind this woman

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Speaker 2: to then throw it in her face and say.

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Speaker 1: He I can have him whenever I want, taking it

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Speaker 1: out on the woman and not the man.

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Speaker 4: But him sharing it with a woman was dumb?

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Speaker 1: Okay? Was this an egregious breach of a relationship? Just

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Speaker 1: like phenom I wrote in here, he's laughing because women

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Speaker 1: do this.

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Speaker 3: All We share it with other women.

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Speaker 2: If we told another heterosexual man who then came up

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Speaker 2: and confronted our boyfriend and made him feel like he

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Speaker 2: was the man.

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Speaker 1: Stop the confronting part. Let's just stick with if you.

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Speaker 2: A woman, I wouldn't like it if you shared it

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Speaker 2: with a woman. I'd be more comfortable if you shared

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Speaker 2: it with a man one hundred percent. One hundred percent,

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Speaker 2: because women judge each other and so and I don't

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Speaker 2: think that's fair.

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Speaker 3: A man wouldn't.

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Speaker 4: So that is so true.

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Speaker 2: If you, if you shared something private about me, one

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Speaker 2: hundred percent, would feel much more comfortable if you shared

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Speaker 2: it with a male friend of yours. If you shared

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Speaker 2: it with a female friend of yours, that would feel

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Speaker 2: like a betrayal to me.

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Speaker 1: So I just don't feel the same. I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: reverse it and think, if you told a what.

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Speaker 3: A heterosexual male friend of mine.

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Speaker 1: Male friend of yours, versus a girlfriend of your yours.

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Speaker 2: Would that bother Would that make a difference in how

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Speaker 2: you felt?

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Speaker 1: Oh, your male friends are gay?

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Speaker 3: I do have a couple heterosexual friends.

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Speaker 1: Well, then we have a problem because you've never.

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Speaker 2: Ever No, you know Chase. I'll just go ahead and say,

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Speaker 2: you know, Chase, I don't have a lot of heterosexual

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Speaker 2: male friends. Mostly they are into other men. But would

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Speaker 2: that make a difference for.

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Speaker 1: You if you told to No, I don't think so.

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Speaker 3: That's funny. It totally would make a difference. It's a

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Speaker 3: night and day.

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Speaker 1: I am actually using Chase as an example. No, it

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Speaker 1: would not. Wow. And maybe it's because I have a

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Speaker 1: relationship with Chase. Maybe because I know him, I've been

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Speaker 1: around him, I'm comfortable with him. Maybe I don't know.

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Speaker 1: But I I sit here and you're looking at my face.

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Speaker 3: I believe you.

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Speaker 4: I'm just believe me that it would matter to me.

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Speaker 1: Is this next one a guy or girl? That wrote this?

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Speaker 3: Is a guy too?

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Speaker 1: Doctor is what he calls himself.

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Speaker 3: You know what, No, this could be a girl. I'm

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Speaker 3: not sure who doctor is.

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Speaker 2: First mistake is when your guy doesn't get relationship code

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Speaker 2: no female friends to the extent that they have alone

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Speaker 2: time where this kind of intimacy is happening.

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Speaker 3: I agree with that.

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Speaker 2: I think if you are in a committed relationship, having

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Speaker 2: an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex

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Speaker 2: is asking for potential problems an intimate not just a hey,

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Speaker 2: let's go out and have a drink or what what

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Speaker 2: goes beyond that? Telling personal details about your relationship to

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Speaker 2: a friend of the opposite sex.

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Speaker 3: I think that's an issue.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yes, as it's been established, we get.

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Speaker 4: But do you think that's relationship code or not?

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Speaker 1: No? I think cases are absolutely different. I think key

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Speaker 1: to this is that your partner needs to have a

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Speaker 1: very close relationship with that friend of yours. So if

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Speaker 1: I have a very close girlfriend, you all need to

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Speaker 1: be damn close. And if we didn't all become friends together,

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Speaker 1: if it's somebody was in my life before you and

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Speaker 1: I started dating, then that I should never go hang

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Speaker 1: out with this other woman in the first two months,

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Speaker 1: three months of our relationship, first year, two year. Right,

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Speaker 1: you got to work somebody. You have to understand to

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Speaker 1: respect that enough. Until you're comfortable with the relationship, then

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Speaker 1: it's not gonna work.

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Speaker 2: Agreed, Okay, we can agree with that one. Okay, This

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Speaker 2: next one I think is funny. And this is the

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Speaker 2: one for sure that was written by a man. I

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Speaker 2: don't even know how to say this.

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Speaker 1: This reader's name thought you there was a typo when

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Speaker 1: you put it in there.

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Speaker 4: So Fuinthia, Flinthia.

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Speaker 2: Okay, this is what Punthia wrote. There is a reason

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Speaker 2: men don't have this problem. If another man said that

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Speaker 2: to me about my wife, my right fist would gladly

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Speaker 2: accept the invitation to his left cheek. If a woman

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Speaker 2: has a male friend, that male friend is absolutely laying

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Speaker 2: low until his chance to pounce. So he's saying that

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Speaker 2: men are never friends with women unless they actually want

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Speaker 2: to have sex with him.

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Speaker 4: Even if he says he's attracted to other men.

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna want to see some proof. Bring out the BF.

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Speaker 2: So I think that's really funny. He wants to see

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Speaker 2: the boyfriend. There's no way he's gonna believe that your

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Speaker 2: girl has a gay a GBF, a gay best friend.

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Speaker 2: He's saying he won't even believe that the guy is

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Speaker 2: gay until he sees the boyfriend.

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Speaker 1: This is fun and he makes a good point, and

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Speaker 1: in doing so does it in a very funny way.

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Speaker 1: This is a very key way to do it. This

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Speaker 1: is always a challenge. But I don't I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I haven't found that it's been an issue for me,

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Speaker 1: and I haven't found that it's been necessarily a challenge

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Speaker 1: With female friends in my life, I've just always had

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Speaker 1: them been very close. Now you and I end up, right, Yes,

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Speaker 1: you're the only female friend I ever had, I've ever

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Speaker 1: ended up dating.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that is actually true for me too. I have

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Speaker 2: had plenty of male friends. I think in newsrooms especially, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know, we end up pairing up with other producers

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Speaker 2: or other anchors or correspondence. Correct, because who else's job

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Speaker 2: is from three am until eleven am and then eleven am?

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Speaker 2: What do you do?

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Speaker 3: And everybody else is at work?

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Speaker 1: Your day's off of Wednesday Thursday too.

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Speaker 3: Right, exactly.

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Speaker 2: So I had so many male friends who were heterosexual,

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Speaker 2: who had girlfriends or even wives, and we would go

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Speaker 2: to the movies or we would go because we yes,

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Speaker 2: and I've never dated any one of them except for you.

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Speaker 3: So that's true. All right.

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Speaker 2: Here's the one that's funny, private writes. Now reverse the

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Speaker 2: genders of all involved and see how the advice and

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Speaker 2: comments change.

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Speaker 1: That's exactly what we've been going at. So for about it.

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Speaker 1: It's true men view this differently, you change it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: a man in all of these would view it differently

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Speaker 1: if they were in the position of the friend or

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Speaker 1: the position of the girlfriend you just view.

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Speaker 2: Think about this, if I had a best friend who

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Speaker 2: was a heterosexual man who had a wife so married. Right,

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Speaker 2: he comes to you and starts telling you all these

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Speaker 2: things I've said about you or said about us to him,

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Speaker 2: and then tells you that I told him if he

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Speaker 2: weren't married, he would be my guy and we were soulmates.

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Speaker 3: You would break up with me immediately.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I would come to you immediately. I would ask

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Speaker 1: you probably a few I don't need that many direct

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Speaker 1: questions to get to what I'm getting at. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's worth the conversation between me and you. But I

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Speaker 1: have he is I'm done, like in life with him.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you're never going to hang out with him again.

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Speaker 1: Nothing. He and I are ever going to discuss again.

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Speaker 1: He's not a part of this. I'm not mad at

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Speaker 1: him nothing. This is me and you think, Baby, I'm

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Speaker 1: coming directly to you. This will get resolved in fifteen

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Speaker 1: minutes exactly. Ops.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and I think that is the way to handle it,

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Speaker 2: without emotion, with purpose, and with clarity. Yes you're looking

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Speaker 2: for clarity, and okay this one Daniel, another guy. There

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Speaker 2: were so many men who wrote in that actually surprised me.

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Speaker 2: I mean, certainly women wrote into, but a lot of

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Speaker 2: men died, which I thought was pretty cool. So Daniel writes,

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Speaker 2: dating is the job interview for marriage if you don't

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Speaker 2: want to be married someday, stated up front and have

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Speaker 2: fun for the ride. From a male perspective, I would

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Speaker 2: not like the woman I was dating hanging out with

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Speaker 2: another male solo history or no history. The fact remains

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Speaker 2: is that very few women note the women hosting a

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Speaker 2: reply are not these women can truly remain friends with

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Speaker 2: a male. Okay, women's own worst enemy is other women.

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Speaker 2: They claim empowerment but consistently bring each other down. And sadly,

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Speaker 2: I do agree with you, Daniel, that is sadly true.

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Speaker 2: I don't agree with him when saying that very few

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Speaker 2: women can remain friends with a male. I actually think

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Speaker 2: that's incredibly possible. But I do agree that women's own

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Speaker 2: worst enemy is other women or themselves.

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Speaker 1: Even yeah, I don't yet. That's always a debate. That's

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Speaker 1: always a conversation about just men and women can't be

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Speaker 1: friends and stay friends and just be friends. I just

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Speaker 1: have had too many experiences in like I sit here

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Speaker 1: as a guy now dating someone who is at one

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Speaker 1: point my best friend.

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Speaker 2: People point to us and say, oh, okay, you can

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Speaker 2: say that, but look what happened with y'all.

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Speaker 1: That you absolutely can. But I have had an entire

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Speaker 1: life and history of female friends that this has been

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Speaker 1: a non issue. And obviously we have examples we have

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Speaker 1: seen in life, and I think people truly are just friends.

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Speaker 1: It is possible. So I absolutely would take issue, and no,

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Speaker 1: would never say just a blanket, no man or a

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Speaker 1: woman can be friends. Now, you should be respectful of

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Speaker 1: your relationship, yes, and say you're not going out with

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Speaker 1: a friend of the opposite sex for some intimate dinner

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Speaker 1: and then going to go hang out at the hotel

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Speaker 1: bar with them, and then you know, it's just respect

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Speaker 1: of your own relationship. That's just not a good look.

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Speaker 2: Exactly so, and I totally agree with everything you just said.

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Speaker 2: Will end with Sherry. I just thought she said this

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Speaker 2: very succinctly and it.

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Speaker 3: Made me chuckle.

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Speaker 2: And I don't disagree with her two's company. Three's a crowd,

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Speaker 2: especially the yacht woman. She sounds like a narcissist. Let

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Speaker 2: her have him, sounds like they deserve each other.

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Speaker 1: Jeez. Okay, that's one way to look at it, Sherry.

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Speaker 1: I just have a few questions. First, nothing, I'd have

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Speaker 1: nothing to say to yacht lady. She's not a part

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Speaker 1: of this.

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Speaker 2: I do like that mentality of not confronting the woman

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Speaker 2: who was clearly stirring the pot. Clearly was deliberately trying

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Speaker 2: to poke the bear, but it was her own insecurity.

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Speaker 2: It was her own insecurity of their relationship and wanting

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Speaker 2: him to be her backup plan. I truly believe that

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Speaker 2: the yacht woman wanted a backup plan, wanted this other

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Speaker 2: girl out of the way, and was very jealous of

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Speaker 2: the relationship they had, because clearly she doesn't have a

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Speaker 2: good one with her husband.

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Speaker 1: You spoke about insecurity. Can that word be applied to

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Speaker 1: the lady who wrote in Lisa w there's an insecurity

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Speaker 1: about her own relationship. Yes, they're not for her to

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Speaker 1: be asking us and not him, immediately says a whole lot. Now,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure. By the time this is out, maybe

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Speaker 1: she's talked to him, and I hope it has all

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Speaker 1: gotten worked out. But she came here for advice when

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Speaker 1: it seemed like an automatic. This is all on him,

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Speaker 1: isn't it usually our fault?

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Speaker 3: Yes? Stop, you asked the question, I gave you the answer.

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Speaker 2: Lisa w though, if you're listening, if you would ever

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Speaker 2: like to contact us or write back in or leave

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Speaker 2: a comment, we would love a follow up. We would

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Speaker 2: love to know if you confronted him. We would love

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Speaker 2: to know what happened. I'm sure listeners and readers would too,

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Speaker 2: so but we wish you the very best. I think

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Speaker 2: it's I do think there is something if she didn't

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Speaker 2: feel brave enough or confident enough to confront her boyfriend

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Speaker 2: at the time, I think it's cool that she was

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Speaker 2: willing to ask a question and spark a conversation so

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Speaker 2: we could all kind of think about how we would

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Speaker 2: handle it and how to best handle situations like these

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Speaker 2: may pop up. On it.

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Speaker 1: She's working on it, and this is clearly still bothering her.

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Speaker 1: She is working on it, so I hope she's gotten

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Speaker 1: worked out, and you know what, if they can find

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Speaker 1: a way to be together. You know, I'm always rooting

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Speaker 1: for love. She says she did not want to break

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Speaker 1: up with this trend. We can find a way to

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Speaker 1: avoid that and be happy and not hurt each other,

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Speaker 1: then I'm okay with that.

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Speaker 2: So Lisa w we wish you the very best and

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Speaker 2: thank you for listening to us. And please again check

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Speaker 2: out our column ask Amy and TJ on yahoo dot

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Speaker 2: com Calm Quick Life and you will find us. Have

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Speaker 2: a great day, everyone,