WEBVTT - Toxic Loyalty 0:00:03.600 --> 0:00:05.200 That doesn't mean that I don't love my family. I 0:00:05.240 --> 0:00:08.000 love them, and it hurts me, to be honest, it 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:11.960 hurts me that this had to happen, that things had 0:00:11.960 --> 0:00:17.319 to happen this way. And I think a lot of 0:00:17.320 --> 0:00:20.079 people expect to like, Okay, you have to love me 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:22.919 no matter what I do, and especially when it comes 0:00:22.920 --> 0:00:25.520 to family, and that's not true. That doesn't mean that 0:00:25.520 --> 0:00:27.720 because I love you, I'm going to cover up certain things. 0:00:29.200 --> 0:00:32.360 But I did get a comment that stated, even if 0:00:32.400 --> 0:00:36.200 you felt that certain people in your family we're doing 0:00:36.320 --> 0:00:41.559 things the wrong way, you shouldn't have talked about it publicly. 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:50.040 Hello everyone, Happy Monday, and welcome to another episode of 0:00:50.159 --> 0:00:54.160 cheek Ease and Chill. This year is going by so 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:56.840 quickly already, I can't even believe it. But I'm happy. 0:00:56.960 --> 0:01:00.760 It's been a good year so far. A little bumps 0:01:00.760 --> 0:01:03.480 in the road, but I can't complain too much. Today 0:01:03.560 --> 0:01:06.440 is going to be another personal episode where it's just 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:09.440 me and the microphone. I'm going to be talking about 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:13.600 something I call toxic loyalty. So let's go ahead and 0:01:13.760 --> 0:01:17.120 jump right into it. This is cheek Ease and Chill, 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:24.160 so toxic loyalty is something I've talked about on my Instagram, 0:01:24.160 --> 0:01:26.520 which is why I decided to talk about it here 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:29.960 on my podcast. I posted a quote the other day 0:01:29.959 --> 0:01:31.600 on my Stories and it got a lot of attention. 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:34.039 Let me read that quote for you guys. Now I 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:37.600 wrote it myself. Actually, loyalty is a great trait to have, 0:01:38.000 --> 0:01:42.960 but toxic loyalty is deadly. No the difference hashtag be aware. 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:46.200 With that being said, you guys, I thought it was 0:01:46.240 --> 0:01:49.080 important for us to talk about it because I got 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:51.160 a lot of questions in my d M about toxic 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:53.600 loyalty and not knowing the difference, like what is toxic loyalty? 0:01:53.600 --> 0:01:55.360 And I'm like, oh, my goodness, I guess it's something 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:57.280 that I don't know where I heard it or I 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:00.040 made it up, but it exists and it's very a 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:05.080 real you guys, So I think we we're all raised, 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:09.120 especially if you're Latin, to be loyal to your family 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:13.200 no matter what, to be a loyal person, no matter what. 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:17.800 And I agree to a certain extent, I think it 0:02:17.880 --> 0:02:21.840 is important to be a loyal person in business, in relationships, 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:25.760 in relationships with your family members, friendships, etcetera. Absolutely, it's 0:02:25.760 --> 0:02:28.800 good to be a loyal person, and I think that's 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:31.360 a beautiful trait to have. What I don't agree with 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:37.040 is being loyal to a vault, which means toxic loyalty. 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:40.040 I think also, I was raised kind of like blood 0:02:40.080 --> 0:02:43.280 is thicker than water, and I've learned throughout the years 0:02:43.440 --> 0:02:46.360 that yes, you were born into a certain family, and 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:48.520 yes you have people in the world that have the 0:02:48.560 --> 0:02:51.560 same blood running through their veins like you do, which 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:54.040 is called family. But I also feel and I believe, 0:02:54.720 --> 0:03:00.480 that you can have friends that become family members that 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:03.840 you weren't necessarily born in their family and vice versa, 0:03:04.280 --> 0:03:06.800 but you consider them family members. You might even be 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:08.640 closer to some of them than you are to your 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:15.040 own family members. Um So, toxic loyalty is when you 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:17.959 are given no other choice but to be loyal even 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:20.440 if you know that certain things are being done incorrectly 0:03:20.840 --> 0:03:26.400 or against your own values and morals, and you are 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:30.760 forced to either stay quiet or not give your opinion 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:34.640 or stand next to them even when you know that 0:03:34.680 --> 0:03:36.200 they are wrong. It could be a family member, it 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:39.720 could be in a relationship, it could be with friends, 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:41.920 it could be in any type of relationship that you have. 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:48.120 And I have learned to first of all, no when 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:51.280 it's toxic loyalty and when I need to cut it. 0:03:51.400 --> 0:03:55.480 Because for so long I said yes to people and 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:57.920 I would say no to myself. I would say yes 0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:00.280 to maybe certain things I didn't want to do that 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:03.400 I didn't feel comfortable with because I didn't want them 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:06.839 to be disappointed in me or I didn't want them 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:08.520 to be upset with me, and I would be like, okay, 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:12.280 I would feel forced to make other people happy, and 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:16.279 I would find myself at night and by myself and lonely. 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:18.640 In those moments when I was just by myself, I 0:04:18.640 --> 0:04:23.320 would feel not satisfied. I would feel sad. And I 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:28.560 started learning to say no, to not feel obligated to 0:04:28.560 --> 0:04:32.000 do certain things because it's a family member, to stay 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:41.159 quiet because it's a family member, I think that mean. 0:04:42.800 --> 0:04:44.760 And that's another thing I posted, and it's like, no, 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:47.440 wait a second, it doesn't matter who it is. Toxic 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:50.240 is toxic. And if they're not making you feel peace 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.320 in your heart and in your mind, and the relationship 0:04:53.400 --> 0:04:56.720 isn't being reciprocated, like they're not giving what you give, 0:04:57.400 --> 0:04:59.520 then it's time for you to make a decision because 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:02.480 it's gonna make you sick. It's gonna make you unhappy. 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:08.200 And I decided last year that I am going to 0:05:08.279 --> 0:05:13.279 stop trying to hold onto relationships just because we have 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:17.680 the same blood flowing through our veins, just because we 0:05:17.800 --> 0:05:22.120 have years of friendship, like ten plus years. If we 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:26.520 are not on the same page, on the same frequency, 0:05:26.560 --> 0:05:29.719 and if you're not giving what I'm giving, if you're 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:32.440 not trying like I'm trying, it doesn't matter who you are. 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:35.640 I have to say bye. And that doesn't mean I 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:39.720 stopped loving you. That doesn't mean that I don't wish 0:05:39.720 --> 0:05:42.359 you well. I still wish you well, but for my 0:05:42.440 --> 0:05:46.800 mental health, for my emotional health, I have to love 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:50.719 you from afar. And sometimes that's hard to do and 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:53.040 it hurts a little bit. I'm not saying it's gonna 0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:55.920 be easy. It's easier said than done. But sometimes it's 0:05:55.920 --> 0:05:57.920 okay to love people from afar for a little bit, 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:02.760 to put things back into perspective, to reflect, to analyze 0:06:02.760 --> 0:06:05.880 the situation, and to see what changes you can also 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:08.600 make to better that relationship. Or sometimes you don't even 0:06:08.640 --> 0:06:11.520 have to better that relationship. Sometimes you know it can 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:16.240 be a goodbye forever and wish them well for before 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:19.400 the reason I want to talk about this is because, 0:06:20.560 --> 0:06:25.839 as you guys know, just recently, a few weeks back, UM, 0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:28.880 we had this little issue in our family. And I 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:34.080 think all family members, all families have problems. Fortunately or unfortunately, 0:06:35.839 --> 0:06:39.040 myself and my family were in the limelight. So these 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:42.520 things come out publicly. Do I wish they wouldn't absolute 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:45.240 freaking lutely. I wish that there were certain things that 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:47.760 didn't have to come out in public and we can 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:50.360 deal with these things in private. That has always been 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:53.359 my biggest wish, and I have always wished for my 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:56.160 family because there are very talented I have a very 0:06:56.200 --> 0:07:00.640 talented family. I admire, honestly my grandpa for coming to 0:07:00.720 --> 0:07:04.240 this country with I believe sixty cents or sixty dollars 0:07:04.279 --> 0:07:06.120 in his pocket. I don't exactly remember if it was 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:09.360 sixty cents or sixty dollars, but it was sixty something regardless, 0:07:09.480 --> 0:07:11.400 that's all he had in his pocket when he brought 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:16.320 my grandma and my two uncles and my my grandma 0:07:16.360 --> 0:07:18.640 was pregnant by my mom to this country. And I 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:21.720 admire his hustle. I admire his work ethic. He showed 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:24.240 me to work, and he showed my mom, and it 0:07:24.280 --> 0:07:27.480 all trickled down to me, so to us. So there 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:28.840 are a lot of things that I love about my 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:31.440 family that I admire. There are so many talented people 0:07:32.160 --> 0:07:34.440 and my family, my cousins as well. That's saying that 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:37.480 play sports, and I wish that we could be different, 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:41.120 that things could be different, but unfortunately that's not the case. 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:43.240 You know, it is what it is. And I've learned 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:49.240 to accept that I'm okay with being away and living 0:07:50.760 --> 0:07:53.000 some time or maybe the rest of my life away 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:57.440 from certain people in my family because it was making 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.800 me sick. And it came to a point where I 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:03.520 had to just be vocal and stand for what I 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:07.640 believe in because that's what I'm all about. There are 0:08:07.680 --> 0:08:09.120 certain things I don't have to say. There are a 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:11.360 lot of things that I don't have to say, but 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:14.080 I share certain things with you guys, so that I 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:16.600 can help you, hopefully, so you won't make the same 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:19.320 mistakes I've made or we've made. That doesn't mean that 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:21.360 I don't love my family. I love them, and it 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:25.880 hurts me, to be honest, it hurts me that this 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:28.360 had to happen, that things had to happen this way. 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:31.800 It hurts me to see certain things on social media 0:08:31.840 --> 0:08:34.520 and how certain people express themselves about certain people in 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:40.000 my family, believe it or not see, and sometimes I'd 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:42.800 rather not even see those things because I'm not a 0:08:42.840 --> 0:08:44.920 person that's like, oh, yeah, you deserve that, all right. No, 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:48.760 I don't wish bad upon anybody, and I still love them. 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:50.400 And that brings me to a quote that I found 0:08:50.400 --> 0:08:54.160 that I want to share with you. Guys, here we go. 0:08:55.559 --> 0:09:00.120 I love you, but I'm upset with you is one 0:09:00.160 --> 0:09:03.880 of the most free important things you can say in 0:09:03.920 --> 0:09:10.320 a stable and healthy relationship. It's okay to love someone 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:15.080 and be hurt and decide to stay away. That I 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:18.640 think makes you a very mature person to be able 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:22.839 to say I love you, but maybe I don't like you, 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:26.240 because that's possible. Guys. You can love someone and not 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:30.600 necessarily like their characteristics or like what they're about, but 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.720 still love them. I've always been this way since I 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:36.600 can remember. Even with my mom, there were certain things 0:09:36.640 --> 0:09:38.200 that she would do that I wouldn't agree with, and 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:40.840 I'd be like, Mom, I'm sorry, like I don't think 0:09:40.920 --> 0:09:43.200 that's right, and we would kind of argue about it. 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:45.960 But it's kind of like and she would say, well, 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:48.680 I'm your mother and you have to kind of agree 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:52.520 with me. And I'm like, well, this is why individuality exists, 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:54.880 because I am my own person and you are your 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:57.640 own person, and I have the right to my opinion. 0:09:58.559 --> 0:10:00.400 That doesn't mean I love you any less. That doesn't 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:03.000 mean that I see you any different. It's just I 0:10:03.000 --> 0:10:05.640 don't necessarily agree and I think it's okay. It's always 0:10:05.640 --> 0:10:08.679 the way you deliver your message and the way that 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:11.920 you express yourself that makes the biggest difference, because I 0:10:11.960 --> 0:10:16.280 think while growing up, for me, it was be quiet 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:18.640 and listen you know what I mean, don't don't even 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:20.839 disagree with me. It's like you shouldn't have an opinion. 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:23.880 What I'm saying goes and that's it. And that's something 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:28.679 that I want to change with my siblings, with um 0:10:28.760 --> 0:10:31.600 my future children, is if you have an opinion, and 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:34.120 if you're not okay with the way I'm doing certain things, 0:10:34.120 --> 0:10:35.680 maybe I'll get a little upset. But I want you 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:38.200 to feel free to tell me, text me in, tell 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:39.439 me you know what I don't agree with that that 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:43.200 hurt my feelings. I think that's so important because again, 0:10:43.720 --> 0:10:47.439 those are toxic traits. That trickle down to generation to generation, 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:50.760 and we should be able to express ourselves and say 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:53.839 and be okay with being honest and saying no, I'm 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:55.560 not okay. I don't feel peace with that right now. 0:10:55.600 --> 0:10:57.560 I don't feel peace with making that decision right now 0:10:57.600 --> 0:11:01.600 just because you are ex person. If it doesn't feel 0:11:01.640 --> 0:11:03.920 right in my heart, then I'm not going to do it. 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:07.520 So again, that quote is I love you, but I'm 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:10.719 upset with you is one of the most freeing important 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:14.040 things you can say in a stable and healthy relationship. 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:20.000 That's one. There's another. Daring to set boundaries is about 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:23.600 having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk 0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:30.480 disappointing others. Again, not everyone is going to agree. But 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:33.559 when you're being honest, you're being truthful about your feelings, 0:11:34.160 --> 0:11:37.640 and you're setting healthy boundaries and respecting those boundaries. Whoever 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:40.160 gets hurt. That doesn't mean you have to be mean 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:44.239 about it. It's just being honest and direct and transparent. 0:11:45.200 --> 0:11:48.319 I think that makes the biggest difference. They'll be upset 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.199 for a little bit, but they'll learn to respect you. 0:11:51.880 --> 0:11:55.960 And I think that's what happened to be honest in 0:11:56.440 --> 0:12:01.480 my current situation, is that I grew up and I'm 0:12:01.520 --> 0:12:03.640 a person that loves to learn and to grow, and 0:12:03.679 --> 0:12:05.880 I read books, and I go to therapy, and I 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:08.400 do life coaching, and I have a mentor. And for me, 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:10.160 it's like, in order for me to do all that 0:12:10.200 --> 0:12:12.800 I'm doing and to have this podcast and to write books, 0:12:12.840 --> 0:12:16.120 I also need that I also need to refill my tank. 0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:17.800 And that's what I do. And I've learned and I've 0:12:17.840 --> 0:12:20.880 grown to say, what are the toxic traits that I 0:12:20.920 --> 0:12:26.320 have learned from my family? And I'm not saying that 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:29.640 or from even my mom. I'm not saying that what 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:32.240 they did was wrong. Maybe they didn't know any different. 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:34.320 Maybe that's what they were they were taught when they 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:37.720 were young, they didn't know. But because I've gone through 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:43.240 therapy for so many years, it has, I don't know, 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:44.840 turn on a light bulb in my mind to say, 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:48.360 I want to break generational curses. Not that my family, 0:12:48.400 --> 0:12:49.800 not that my mom, not that the way that I 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:51.840 was raised was wrong, Because honestly, guys, I am so 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:54.480 grateful with the way that my mom raised me. Because, 0:12:55.320 --> 0:12:57.280 like I said on a previous post, my mom was 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:01.240 a tough professor, but because she was so tough. I 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:03.880 learned so much and I'm so strong. But there are 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:05.880 also certain things that I want to do different when 0:13:05.880 --> 0:13:08.080 I have my children that I did different with my 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:11.000 siblings raising them. I want them to be able to 0:13:11.000 --> 0:13:13.200 speak their mind. I want them to be able to 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:16.640 express themselves certain things, because again we are taught to 0:13:16.679 --> 0:13:18.640 just be quiet and listen and don't have an opinion. 0:13:19.679 --> 0:13:23.440 I guess it's all about learning and how are you 0:13:23.520 --> 0:13:26.160 going to be different and how are you going to 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.400 also take certain things from the way that you were raised? 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:31.720 And and you know, I mean there are great things. 0:13:31.760 --> 0:13:33.679 I'm not saying that everything was bad, because it wasn't. 0:13:33.720 --> 0:13:35.079 There's a lot of great things. There's a lot of 0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:37.960 things that I admire about my family, About my mother, 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:40.000 you know, a lot of things, a lot of things 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:42.840 that I'm like, damn, like she was a badass, you know. 0:13:43.240 --> 0:13:45.400 And there are the other things that I'm like, Okay, 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:47.000 I want to change a little bit. I want to 0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:57.520 change this for my future children. I think a lot 0:13:57.520 --> 0:14:00.719 of people expect to, like, okay, have to love me 0:14:01.160 --> 0:14:03.600 no matter what I do, and especially when it comes 0:14:03.600 --> 0:14:06.160 to family, and that's not true. That doesn't mean that 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:08.520 because I love you, I'm going to cover up certain things, 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:11.680 for instance, like this whole thing that just recently happened 0:14:11.679 --> 0:14:15.000 with my family. I stayed quiet. We stayed quiet for 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:18.200 a very long time until a point came that said, 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:20.520 I can no longer stay quiet. I can no longer 0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:26.600 cover up for you. I can no longer say no 0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:29.360 to myself and say, okay, I'm gonna stay quiet and 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:31.320 stay quiet to say yes to you when you know 0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:35.880 that you're doing something that's incorrect and you're trying to 0:14:35.920 --> 0:14:40.280 portray yourself differently in the media. And that's where I'm like, 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:42.200 wait a second, I love you, because I believe it 0:14:42.280 --> 0:14:44.440 or not. I still love my family. I want them 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:47.000 to be okay. They might not feel the same way 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:52.160 for me, and that's okay. But I had to do 0:14:52.200 --> 0:14:54.440 that with love in my heart and saying damn, I 0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:57.040 care about my cousins. I care about their feelings. I 0:14:57.080 --> 0:15:00.400 care about their futures. But what's right is right. And 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:04.240 my job as a human being and what I take 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:08.880 pride in, no matter who you are, is standing up 0:15:08.920 --> 0:15:11.080 for what is right, what I believe is right, and 0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:16.520 having morals and standing behind those things, behind those morals 0:15:16.680 --> 0:15:20.040 and being true to that to the truth is so 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:22.040 important to me. It doesn't matter if you're a family 0:15:22.080 --> 0:15:25.160 member and I can still love you, but hey, you're wrong, dude, 0:15:25.400 --> 0:15:28.240 You're not doing this right. And I'm gonna just put 0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:32.200 it out there, you know, because I just I feel like, 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:34.360 I don't know, I feel like that. That's and that's 0:15:34.360 --> 0:15:36.480 even with like my books that I write and the 0:15:36.480 --> 0:15:39.080 things that I've written about, and the songs that I 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:42.680 write and the music that I record, it always has 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:45.320 some truth behind it. It's not just because you know 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:47.200 what I mean. It's not just because SE meant the 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:50.320 whole in It's like, wait a second, No, if I'm 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:55.000 going to say something, it's because I firmly believe this 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:57.680 is the correct thing to do. That doesn't mean that 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:01.440 I have to be an agreement. I love you, but again, 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:06.800 I don't agree with you. That's totally fine. Sometimes I 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:12.760 think in our families, we again tend to be like, okay, 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:17.040 well regardless, this is this is your grandma for instance. 0:16:17.920 --> 0:16:22.960 And yes, talking about my grandma personally, I'm very grateful 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.720 for her for everything she did when I was younger, 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:28.080 for helping my mother raised me while my mom went 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:32.000 to school and worked and she was like my first 0:16:32.040 --> 0:16:34.240 mom before my mom was my mom because she was 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:35.920 so young. My mom was so young when she had me, 0:16:36.320 --> 0:16:38.680 So I'm very grateful. I'm not an ungrateful person for me. 0:16:38.720 --> 0:16:41.880 It's like, I am so grateful for that and for 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.480 everything you did and that you taught me. But now 0:16:44.480 --> 0:16:46.520 that I've gotten older, I've seen certain things that I'm 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:52.280 not okay with and that I can't sit there and 0:16:52.320 --> 0:16:54.640 be okay with certain things that you either say or 0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:57.160 that you do that go against what I believe in 0:16:57.280 --> 0:17:00.560 and what I was taught. So and for Chinnely, I've 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:03.920 had to step away, as I've said before, but that 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:07.760 doesn't mean that I forget everything else that they did. Like, 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:10.479 for instance, one of my uncles was there for me 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:14.480 when no one else was, and I'm very grateful, no 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:18.520 matter what he may think now, But because he was 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:21.560 there for me in that moment and during those hard 0:17:21.640 --> 0:17:23.840 days does not mean that I have to be loyal 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:26.680 to him the rest of my life, even if he's 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:28.800 doing things that I don't agree with. And that's the 0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:30.760 point that I got to guys like it's like, I'm 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:33.280 grateful for that moment that was almost ten years ago, 0:17:34.520 --> 0:17:36.600 and I'm grateful and I'll never forget that, and I 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:40.040 will always say thank you and I'll never forget. But 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:43.359 now things have changed, things have evolved. I have grown 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:47.359 and I am seeing certain things and I have the 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:50.560 courage and the strength now to say, hey, I'm not 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:56.359 okay with this. And so many of our elders demand respect, 0:17:56.960 --> 0:17:59.439 and just because you're younger than them, it's like you 0:17:59.480 --> 0:18:03.400 have to respect no matter what. Um well, in order 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:06.119 to be respected, you need to respect like it's earned. 0:18:06.160 --> 0:18:10.280 Respect is earned. And I have the right to express 0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:12.560 my mind and express what I'm feeling and tell you 0:18:12.600 --> 0:18:14.880 that I'm not okay with certain things that you're doing, 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:18.080 and you should be okay with understanding that and having 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:21.480 a conversation. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm gonna 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:23.760 tell you I'm not cool with that, and you should 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:26.800 be able to listen to me and try to understand me, 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:29.320 you know. So I think that those are just things 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:32.679 that happen in our families. That it's like people just 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:34.680 they always see you as that little girl. Just be quiet, 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:36.600 don't say anything. It's like, wait, I'm a grown as 0:18:36.640 --> 0:18:38.400 woman now and I have a mind on my own 0:18:39.160 --> 0:18:42.000 and I need to be authentic to that, to my 0:18:42.080 --> 0:18:46.320 higher self. And I don't know if people are elders 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:50.240 know how to deal with that. And that's another thing 0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:54.440 they expect, you know, our elders, our grandparents, I guess, 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:57.760 or whoever you know are uncles and aunts and maybe 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:00.359 older cousins. They think that, Okay, well I'm the eldest. 0:19:00.400 --> 0:19:02.680 You have to look for me. You have to send 0:19:02.680 --> 0:19:06.680 me a message, yes, but also you can also text 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:08.320 me and see how I'm doing. You can also come 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:11.119 over and and ask me how I'm doing, what I ate, 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:14.080 if I'm okay, if I need anything that is all 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:16.760 like I feel like toxic loyalty guys where it's like, wait, like, 0:19:16.880 --> 0:19:22.280 let's just erase all those all those traditional sometimes not 0:19:22.359 --> 0:19:24.480 negative but I guess I don't know what other word 0:19:24.480 --> 0:19:28.040 I can use, but stigmas of wait a second, it 0:19:28.040 --> 0:19:30.560 doesn't matter. It's like you can also don't let your 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:34.359 ego and your pride to get in the way. You 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:36.680 can also ask me how I'm doing. And you can 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:39.800 also take the opportunity to listen to me, you know. 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:49.359 So anyways, I didn't have any notes for this, I 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:52.399 didn't have any bullet points for any of this conversation, 0:19:52.560 --> 0:19:54.080 I just said, I'm going to open up the mic 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:56.560 and I'm going to talk to you guys, and that's 0:19:56.680 --> 0:20:00.080 what I'm doing. So I hope I can help you 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:04.040 guys out with any doubts or questions that you guys 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:08.600 may have in regards to two relationships, family or non 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:12.120 family members. In regards to loyalty, and now that I've 0:20:12.160 --> 0:20:14.760 explained toxic loyalty, because a lot of people ask me 0:20:14.840 --> 0:20:16.959 that through my d M s, what is toxic loyalty? 0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:18.880 What do you mean? I wanted to take the time 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:20.520 to explain that to you guys. And this is what 0:20:20.560 --> 0:20:22.760 I love about my podcast, that I could just talk 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:26.199 to you guys about anything and everything, and I have 0:20:26.280 --> 0:20:29.520 this space to explain certain things in a way that 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:32.119 I haven't been able to you know. So I'm so 0:20:32.160 --> 0:20:37.760 grateful for my podcast. And without getting into too much 0:20:37.800 --> 0:20:41.680 detail because I don't want to talk about this subject 0:20:41.760 --> 0:20:46.840 too much, but in order to help others, I think 0:20:46.840 --> 0:20:50.200 it's important to be honest and to share certain things. 0:20:51.400 --> 0:20:55.440 So I'm not gonna name anybody. I don't think it's necessary, 0:20:55.720 --> 0:21:00.480 but I have gotten certain maybe not a lot, actually, 0:21:00.760 --> 0:21:04.000 but I did get a comment that stated even if 0:21:04.000 --> 0:21:07.800 you felt that certain people in your family we're doing 0:21:07.920 --> 0:21:12.639 things the wrong way, you shouldn't have talked about it 0:21:12.680 --> 0:21:18.480 publicly because they're your family, and because no matter what 0:21:18.520 --> 0:21:21.720 they do, you should forgive them. I have a whole book, you, guys, 0:21:21.760 --> 0:21:26.640 on forgiveness. I am a hundred percent a believer in forgiving. 0:21:27.520 --> 0:21:30.119 Some people say forgive and forget. I don't believe that. 0:21:30.160 --> 0:21:34.480 I feel that you should forgive, not necessarily forget. But 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:38.959 if you feel that someone isn't necessarily sorry for what 0:21:39.000 --> 0:21:42.200 they did, you still can forgive. I chose to forgive 0:21:42.240 --> 0:21:45.359 my father for sexually abusing me without ever saying and 0:21:45.480 --> 0:21:48.159 admitting to it or apologizing. I said, I'm going to 0:21:48.240 --> 0:21:52.280 forgive you to liberate myself from that burden and not 0:21:52.400 --> 0:21:55.040 carry that the rest of my life. But if someone 0:21:55.119 --> 0:21:58.560 is doing something that is not okay, especially in your family, 0:21:59.640 --> 0:22:03.080 and you're supposed to just stay quiet because they're your X, 0:22:03.200 --> 0:22:05.639 Y or Z and your family, like, defend what you 0:22:05.680 --> 0:22:08.840 feel is right, no matter who the person is. If 0:22:08.880 --> 0:22:11.359 you feel this is right, and in your heart you 0:22:11.400 --> 0:22:12.959 feel that it's right and you have peace with that, 0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:16.760 you defend it no matter who it is. And that's 0:22:16.800 --> 0:22:19.679 where I came like this literally just happened less than 0:22:19.720 --> 0:22:21.560 two years ago, when I said, I don't care who 0:22:21.600 --> 0:22:24.439