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Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson,

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Speaker 1: your host, narrator, and author. We hear at the ten

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Speaker 1: minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or

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Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to

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Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human

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Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Mini novels on steroids.

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Speaker 1: This week we meet Crumb and Fuse driving home from

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Speaker 1: a boozy party. In Crumb's nine to eleven, they spot

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Speaker 1: a raccoon crossing the road. Crumb swerves and goes out

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Speaker 1: of his way to run over the coon. The act

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Speaker 1: sets off a confrontation between the two men. They argue

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Speaker 1: and taunt one another, fire off wise cracks and insults

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Speaker 1: a philosophical melee. It's a beautiful triangle booze men and

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Speaker 1: their egos the dead coon. Driving home from Ballsey's boozy

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Speaker 1: all male party down the mountain with its twists and turns,

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Speaker 1: they spot a coon crossing the road, good sized, fat

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Speaker 1: and happy, not in any hurry at all. Crumb swings

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Speaker 1: the wheel of his nine to eleven and takes out

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Speaker 1: the coon. Bam runs the critter straight over. Oh what

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Speaker 1: the fuck was that? Yells Fuse, what what do you mean?

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Speaker 1: What Jesus dude, you went out of your way to

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Speaker 1: run over that coon, So so why'd you do it?

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Speaker 1: That coon? It wasn't bothering you or anyone else. Give

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Speaker 1: me a break, dude, It was just an old coon.

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Speaker 1: Oh Jesus dude. Maybe it was a mother coon with

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Speaker 1: babies up in some hollow tree waiting to get fed.

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Speaker 1: And along comes some stupid, stoned, drunken asshole in his

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Speaker 1: little sports car who runs down their food source. Crumb

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Speaker 1: turns and looks at Fuse. They haven't known each other long,

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Speaker 1: just a few months, maybe a year, moved into town

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Speaker 1: right around the same time. They play a little basketball

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Speaker 1: together Monday nights at the middle school gym. Their wives

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Speaker 1: are chummy, the kids go to the same schools. Crumb says,

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Speaker 1: what you one of those animal rights activists? Well, shit,

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Speaker 1: maybe I am, and probably adds Crumb a bleeding heart

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Speaker 1: liberal pacifist, Yeah, says Fuse, that's me, a regular Quaker.

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Speaker 1: If I was crossing the road in the middle of

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Speaker 1: the night, would you run me over? Crumb guffaws, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: maybe I would. Yeah, says Hues. Yeah, well, I'm morally

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Speaker 1: outraged that you killed that raccoon, that you went out

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Speaker 1: of your way to run it over. Morally outraged. Huh hmm.

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Speaker 1: Crumb has the powerful nine to eleven moving rapidly, now,

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Speaker 1: speeding through the jet black night along the twisty mountain road,

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Speaker 1: half a dozen shots of tequila swimming through his bloodstream. Well,

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Speaker 1: you know what, fuse, how about I say fuck you

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Speaker 1: and your moral outrage. I don't give two shits about

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Speaker 1: your moral outrage. Jesus dude. I mean, there is something

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Speaker 1: seriously wrong with you if you think it's perfectly okay

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Speaker 1: to just kill an animal minding its own business. Oh really,

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Speaker 1: what about all the what about all the animals to

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Speaker 1: die that you kill so you can eat burgers off

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Speaker 1: the grill and enjoy your chicken palm and your turkey tacos?

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Speaker 1: Now what about that? Or is that somehow different because

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Speaker 1: you're not actually pulling the trigger or or in this case,

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Speaker 1: driving the car. Now that's a pretty shitty analogy, Crumb,

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Speaker 1: a self serving analogy. If you want to go back

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Speaker 1: and get that coon and take it home and butcher

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Speaker 1: it and serve it for dinner, I'll buy into the comparison. Well,

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Speaker 1: come on, I don't give a god damn if you

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Speaker 1: buy into it or not. I know your rep mister

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Speaker 1: do Gooder, serve on the library commission, volunteer at the

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Speaker 1: food bank, coach the kiddies and t ball. But come out,

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Speaker 1: Fuse what's the catch? What are you covering up? Don't

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Speaker 1: make this about me, man, This is not about me.

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Speaker 1: You're the guy who killed the coon, and for what

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Speaker 1: for fun, for sport, to get your rocks off, or

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Speaker 1: just because you could, or maybe is there something deeper

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Speaker 1: going on, something screwy in your brain? Huh, something you're

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Speaker 1: pissed off about, something rotten in Denmark, Because dude, going

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Speaker 1: out of your way to kill that coon reeks of

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Speaker 1: inner turmoil. Crumb blasting down the mountain, now well over

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Speaker 1: eighty miles an hour, engine screaming in third gear, roars

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Speaker 1: with laughter. So FEUs you're morally outraged over my inner turmoil? Huh?

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Speaker 1: Morally outraged over my inner turmoil? Huh? Is that it? Listen?

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Speaker 1: I think you might want to grapple with why you

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Speaker 1: felt the need to kill that raccoon. Man, That's all

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. You know, dude, says Crumb, the tack pushing

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Speaker 1: the red line. Most of the guys, most of the

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Speaker 1: guys think you're a dick. Oh yeah, like who you

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Speaker 1: don't want to know. Fuse leans over and glances at

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Speaker 1: the speedometer. Eighty four miles per hour. Pretty wasted himself

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Speaker 1: on tequila and weed. He hasn't been aware of the

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Speaker 1: excessive speed. Racing down the mountain had felt like a

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Speaker 1: roller coaster ride, kind of a thrill. But now with

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Speaker 1: the coon dead and having been told the guys think

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Speaker 1: he's a dick, Fuse sobers up and realizes they're traveling

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Speaker 1: close to fifty miles an hour over the speed limit.

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Speaker 1: You gotta slow down, dude, you hear me, You gotta

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Speaker 1: slow down, Fuse tells Crumb. Why is that, Fuse? You're scared?

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Speaker 1: You're gonna piss yourself? Is at it? Let me out

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Speaker 1: of the car, Crumb before you kill us both. Crumb

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Speaker 1: hoots and hollers and blast the horn. First that fat

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Speaker 1: coon and now us too, spoiled rotten white boys. That'll

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Speaker 1: be the way it goes. Fuse stares at Crumb. A

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Speaker 1: little ripple of fear races down his spine. You've got

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Speaker 1: some serious problems, man. I think maybe you've got to

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Speaker 1: deal with something. I think maybe you've got a death wish. Oh,

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Speaker 1: for fuck's sake, Fuse, who thinks him a dick Crumb? Huh,

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Speaker 1: who thinks him a dick Crumb laughs his ass off

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Speaker 1: and pushes the accelerator to the floor. Stop the car, shouts, Fuse,

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Speaker 1: stop it, stop the car now. You obviously hate yourself,

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Speaker 1: that's why you had to kill that raccoon, and now

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Speaker 1: you're going to kill yourself. But you're not going to

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Speaker 1: kill me, So stop the fucking car, dude. Then stop

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Speaker 1: it now. Crumb hits the brakes, down shifts, and in

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Speaker 1: no time has that nine to eleven stopped dead in

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Speaker 1: the middle of the road. Out Fuse, get out of

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Speaker 1: the car, dude. I can't take your psycho babble bullshit

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Speaker 1: one second longer, gladly, says Fuse. I'd rather walk home

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Speaker 1: and arrive alive than wind up wrapped around a tree.

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Speaker 1: Crumb says, yeah, it's been fun. Fuse opens the door

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Speaker 1: and slides out of the low slung sports car. Slams

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Speaker 1: the door with a bit more muscle than was maybe necessary.

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Speaker 1: Crumb doesn't waste a second in nothing flat. He pushes

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Speaker 1: that Porsche through the gears. In seconds. He's in third

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Speaker 1: doing seventy and not backing off. Fuse mutters out loud

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Speaker 1: and he thinks I'm a dick. But Fuse right away

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Speaker 1: starts wondering if what Crumb said was true? Do the

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Speaker 1: guys really think he's a dick? Good? Does he come

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Speaker 1: on too strong? Maybe? Is that it? Before he can

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Speaker 1: mul all this over, assess an aligne his orbit in

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Speaker 1: the universe, Fuse hears a tremendous crash from around the

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Speaker 1: next bend in the mountain road, and a moment later,

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Speaker 1: a terrific fireball lights up the night sky. Hey, thanks

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Speaker 1: for listening to this original audio presentation of the Dead

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Speaker 1: Coon narrated by the author. If you enjoy today's story,

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Speaker 1: please take a few seconds to rate, review, and subscribe

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Speaker 1: to this podcast, and then go to Thomas William Simpson

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Speaker 1: dot com for additional information about the author and to

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Speaker 1: view his extensive cannon. The ten Minute Storyteller is produced

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Speaker 1: by Andrew Plagli and Josh Collotney and as part of

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Speaker 1: the Elvis Durand Podcast Network in partnership with iHeart Productions.

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Speaker 1: Until next time, this is Bill Simpson your ten minute

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Speaker 1: storyteller