WEBVTT - Misspelling: resTORItive (Part 2)

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<v Speaker 1>Misspelling with Tory Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast and back where

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<v Speaker 1>I Belong I'm back with doctor Hillary. Yes, there's deep

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<v Speaker 1>wounds about the public perception, the constant public perception. Like

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<v Speaker 1>the wounds are so deep it's like scar tissue that's

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<v Speaker 1>built up so far, I don't even know how to

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<v Speaker 1>unravel it to start anew.

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<v Speaker 2>Is a very particular plight a celebrities relationship with the

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<v Speaker 2>public perception, and it's difficult to talk about because it

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<v Speaker 2>sort of plays into the very thing we're talking about,

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<v Speaker 2>which is holding up your particular role in society, which

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<v Speaker 2>is unique and embodied by just a small percentage of people.

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<v Speaker 2>But no one really understands unless you're in it, what

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<v Speaker 2>it's like to live your life, to have those kind

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<v Speaker 2>of projections and opinions and perceptions put on you. It

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<v Speaker 2>can be quite traumatic in its persistent. It's an important

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<v Speaker 2>thing to continue to unwind, and it's much more complex

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<v Speaker 2>than this conversation. But for the purposes of this conversation,

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<v Speaker 2>I just want to reflect back to you that that

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<v Speaker 2>is your truth, and that is the dilemma your family

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<v Speaker 2>is facing. So by definition, all of those components of

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<v Speaker 2>your family dynamic are going to be less than ideal

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<v Speaker 2>or quote subpar, because you're having to exist in a

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<v Speaker 2>real life scenario where you're trying to keep your family

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<v Speaker 2>safe and educated and living well enough, right, and so

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<v Speaker 2>it's a portion of it that you have to continue

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<v Speaker 2>to work to accept. It's going to be imperfect because

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<v Speaker 2>of your situation. And this is true for most people.

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<v Speaker 1>We've all talked as a family, mom works so we

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<v Speaker 1>can live, and that's the reality. And I don't know

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<v Speaker 1>how to break it down any simpler. Maybe that's too

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<v Speaker 1>harsh to say to them.

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<v Speaker 2>But yeah, no, I have many things to say about this,

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<v Speaker 2>and you're talking about such a ubiquitous plight for many

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<v Speaker 2>women that what is ideal in terms of attention and

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<v Speaker 2>roles and responsibilities for children is not able to be

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<v Speaker 2>cultivated because of the reality of needing to provide resources.

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<v Speaker 3>Period.

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<v Speaker 2>It doesn't really matter if the public understands or not.

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<v Speaker 2>That's your reality. The way that I like to combat

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<v Speaker 2>the kind of guilt that you're talking out about and

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<v Speaker 2>the potential side effects of the roles that your children

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<v Speaker 2>and body or sixteen year old in particular, or the

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<v Speaker 2>things that your kids might feel or miss out on

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<v Speaker 2>because of the thing I talked to you about before,

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<v Speaker 2>which is narrating. It sounds like you do do that

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<v Speaker 2>to a a certain extent, but you can be more

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<v Speaker 2>pointed in this regard. Do you sit down with them.

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<v Speaker 2>You might sit down with them as a group. I

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<v Speaker 2>would certainly sit down with your sixteen year old separately

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<v Speaker 2>and sort of saying like, I just want to think

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<v Speaker 2>out loud with you about this truth that we have

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<v Speaker 2>going on in this family. Right You're in this role

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<v Speaker 2>of taking care of family needs and the kiddos in

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<v Speaker 2>a way that like most kids aren't, and you're amazing

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<v Speaker 2>at it, and you're like a beautiful machine, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm.

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<v Speaker 3>So proud of you.

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<v Speaker 2>And also it's hard and it's something I would rather

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<v Speaker 2>not have you do. And whether you notice that feeling

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<v Speaker 2>inside or not, I do, and I can't fix it.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't change it, but I just want to let

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<v Speaker 2>you know I see it, and if there are any

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<v Speaker 2>moments I can lessen the load, I will do so.

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<v Speaker 2>But in the meantime, like I see you, I acknowledge

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<v Speaker 2>this is hard, and you know, I'm so sorry for

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<v Speaker 2>the moments when it's overwhelmed. I'm so sorry when it's

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<v Speaker 2>overwhelming I'm so sorry for the moments when you're doing

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<v Speaker 2>something that like a kiddo shouldn't have to do, and

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<v Speaker 2>I just want to sit with you in that truth.

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<v Speaker 2>It's really important for our kids to have us narrate

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<v Speaker 2>the reality when something's hard. It's hard, and if we

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<v Speaker 2>can't change it, we can't change it. Paradoxically, saying it

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<v Speaker 2>aloud is very containing. So while of course we can't

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<v Speaker 2>quote fix the fact that your daughter has to take

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<v Speaker 2>on these roles at the moment, what you can do

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<v Speaker 2>is narrate it for her and validate it and stand

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<v Speaker 2>in that truth with her. It will make such a

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<v Speaker 2>big difference in her story, her conceptualization of it, in

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<v Speaker 2>a year, in five years, and ten years, and my

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<v Speaker 2>mom understood the impact on me. It didn't change maybe

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<v Speaker 2>what I did or didn't have to do or get

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<v Speaker 2>to do, but having somebody witness to your truth is everything.

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<v Speaker 1>I do feel it's important to talk to her about that,

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<v Speaker 1>especially right now, because I know her life does look

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<v Speaker 1>very different than her friend's lives, and yeah, I'll try

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<v Speaker 1>to acknowledge that more. And I've also seen because of

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<v Speaker 1>and this has really happened in the last three months

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<v Speaker 1>of working constantly that the other four, predominantly both females

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<v Speaker 1>that would be my six year old and my thirteen

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<v Speaker 1>year old, have really hardcore taken on the parental rule

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<v Speaker 1>with the seven year old, and I feel like it's

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<v Speaker 1>confusing to him and not backfiring. But my husband was,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, we'd always you know, we talk in terms

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<v Speaker 1>of two parent figures and there's a bad cop and

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<v Speaker 1>a good cop.

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<v Speaker 3>He was definitely more strict. I was more lenient.

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<v Speaker 1>He was you know, by the book and get things done,

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<v Speaker 1>more organized, process, stuff, procedural, all of that. I was

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<v Speaker 1>the loving, emotional let's make stuff, Let's do this, like,

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<v Speaker 1>let's go, let's do you know, free spirit, kind of love,

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<v Speaker 1>love love, kind to a fault.

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<v Speaker 3>Probably should have put.

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<v Speaker 1>More boundaries in place, and then boom, when your houses

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<v Speaker 1>are separating, you go through a divorce, it's something you

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<v Speaker 1>kind of don't think about when that partner that did

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<v Speaker 1>set the boundaries and was the voice of no is

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<v Speaker 1>suddenly eliminated from the house. So that is on a

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<v Speaker 1>whole new level. I had to suddenly take on both

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<v Speaker 1>roles good cop, bad cop. You know, I became the

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<v Speaker 1>kind enforcer. It was clashing on every level of my DNA.

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<v Speaker 1>So for the first year, I did hear a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of you sound like dad, and I was.

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<v Speaker 3>Like, oh, my gosh.

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<v Speaker 1>Not that I don't like Dean or love him, but

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<v Speaker 1>it was like I knew what they meant. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>you're being so strict, and you know, it was a

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<v Speaker 1>hard thing to hear, and I'd be like, well, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>I have to step up, and i'd tell him now.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, back then I would think your ring all

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<v Speaker 1>too hard on them. But I look back now and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, you know, you're doing a really great job

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<v Speaker 1>in that respect because I wasn't setting boundaries, was too lenient.

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<v Speaker 1>I was too the guilt mom that was always working.

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<v Speaker 1>So I you know, it's just all about love fun.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh it's okay if you don't do this or clean

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<v Speaker 1>up or you know, take out the dogs. Like now,

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<v Speaker 1>when I'm doing it all alone, I realize, oh my gosh,

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<v Speaker 1>they got to step up because I can't manage a

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<v Speaker 1>life of six and work at.

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<v Speaker 3>The same time alone. You have to help me, guys.

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<v Speaker 1>I was talking about the older kids being parental figures

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<v Speaker 1>to the seven year old. But I do hear this

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<v Speaker 1>a lot lately. What tone are you speaking to me,

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<v Speaker 1>and who do you think you're talking to? They don't

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<v Speaker 1>say it loud or mean, but very stern. Parent, that's

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<v Speaker 1>not okay. You need to go sit in a time out.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, whoa, guys, because then he comes to

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<v Speaker 1>me and I'll be in another room working and I'm like, wait,

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<v Speaker 1>what happened? What happened? So I'm hearing his story. He's crying,

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<v Speaker 1>and I have said to them, you know, guys, it

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<v Speaker 1>might be confusing for him. Well, he's acting out more.

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<v Speaker 1>And I said, because he's confused. Perhaps when I was

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<v Speaker 1>gone for three weeks, or when I'm on set, or

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<v Speaker 1>when I'm working outside of the home, that makes sense

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<v Speaker 1>to him. But when I am here, he's confused because

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<v Speaker 1>he has four siblings that are acting like a parent.

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<v Speaker 1>But then he has one parent that perhaps is just going, going, going,

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<v Speaker 1>that's not setting the boundaries.

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<v Speaker 3>So I'm sure he's confused.

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's really important that you recast yourself as

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<v Speaker 2>the arbitrator of what happens with your little one. And

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<v Speaker 2>I would again, I'm so big on narrating. I'm say

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<v Speaker 2>it out loud. I identified something in our family that's

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<v Speaker 2>not working. Oops, we're going to shift it like, sorry, guys,

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes takes me a minute to figure out what's right

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<v Speaker 2>for us, and I think I got it. So I

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<v Speaker 2>am the CEO of what happens with all of you kits,

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<v Speaker 2>including the little one, and guys, thank you so much

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<v Speaker 2>for taking care of him, for watching him, for playing

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<v Speaker 2>with him, for feeding him, for getting to bed on time.

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<v Speaker 2>You guys are amazing, And I understand why you might

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<v Speaker 2>have moved towards taking on this role of sort of

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<v Speaker 2>disciplinarian or you know, helping him regular whatever the thing is.

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<v Speaker 2>But I am. I am the CEO of that part

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<v Speaker 2>of this family. And so if something happens with him,

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<v Speaker 2>like come find me, like tell me what's going on,

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<v Speaker 2>and like happy to hear your opinion, happy to hear

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<v Speaker 2>your perspective. But I am the decider. If he goes

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<v Speaker 2>into time out, I am the decider, if he has

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<v Speaker 2>to go into his room. I am the decider if

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<v Speaker 2>his tone is appropriate or not. And while your older

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<v Speaker 2>ones will not thank you for this in the moment,

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<v Speaker 2>in fact, they may even protest, in the long run,

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<v Speaker 2>they will thank you for it. They don't want the role,

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<v Speaker 2>they don't want the responsibility. It feels over time uncontaining

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<v Speaker 2>rather than you know, sort of autonomy producing right what

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<v Speaker 2>most kids crave. It's like some version of like whatever

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<v Speaker 2>they say goes, and whoever the they is, whether it's

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<v Speaker 2>like you or you and your partner, whoever it is,

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<v Speaker 2>that's containing and predictive and regulating. So I would like

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<v Speaker 2>make an announcement that this is going to shift and

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<v Speaker 2>I get it, like it might take a moment for

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<v Speaker 2>everyone to remember what their roles are, but this is

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<v Speaker 2>what we're headed to. And I would empower your little one,

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<v Speaker 2>like not in a shaming way with your older ones,

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<v Speaker 2>but like, hey, if this is like going on, just

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<v Speaker 2>just come let me know, because we're in the middle

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<v Speaker 2>of shiftingness. We're in the middle of changing it back

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<v Speaker 2>and look toward. Just because you were not there at times,

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<v Speaker 2>says many many parents across the country, doesn't mean you

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<v Speaker 2>have to or should relinquish any part of that role.

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<v Speaker 2>You still have to embody it fully and they want

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<v Speaker 2>you to. They're not going to ask you for it,

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm going to thank you for it, but they

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<v Speaker 2>want you to. It is the opposite of regulating and

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<v Speaker 2>orienting and grounding. When we abandon that role or do

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<v Speaker 2>it intermittently. Nobody enforces boundaries regularly and properly all the time.

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<v Speaker 2>We get exhausted and overwhelmed and like say, just do it.

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<v Speaker 2>So it My gauge is always like more often than not,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, more often than not is what we're going for.

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<v Speaker 2>Like life is imperfect and messy, as I was saying before,

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<v Speaker 2>But that second piece you're talking about so critical, which

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<v Speaker 2>is really difficult embodying that role of being the like

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<v Speaker 2>boundary setter and the enforcer. One of my favorite parenting

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<v Speaker 2>hacks is like you can always go back. So it's like,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, it's the next day, your thirteen year old,

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<v Speaker 2>and you're like, you asked to stay up late. I

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<v Speaker 2>said yes, and you went to bed two hours past

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<v Speaker 2>your bedtime. You know what I thought about it, that's

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<v Speaker 2>on me. The answer should have been no. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>I felt that I was gone. I felt that I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't see you all day, and I still feel like, really, you're.

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<v Speaker 3>Missing time with you.

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<v Speaker 2>But you know what, it's my job to make sure

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<v Speaker 2>you're safe and you're well rested and ready for school,

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<v Speaker 2>and like next time it's going to be a now off.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, I love you so that even when you

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<v Speaker 2>mess it up, you can say it out loud and

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<v Speaker 2>sort of hold yourself accountable in sort of a kind way.

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<v Speaker 1>I have said it to the thirteen year old and

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<v Speaker 1>the six year old, and unfortunately the answer, and it's

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<v Speaker 1>not wrong in their part, is but he needs boundaries

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<v Speaker 1>and you don't do it, you don't say no to him. Yep,

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<v Speaker 1>they're not wrong.

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<v Speaker 2>So two things I would say to them fair I

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<v Speaker 2>hear you acknowledged, validated, and painful for all three of us.

0:12:32.000 --> 0:12:34.720
<v Speaker 2>You know, just sit in that truth. I am in

0:12:34.760 --> 0:12:38.360
<v Speaker 2>the middle of working on it. It is accurate having

0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:41.440
<v Speaker 2>said that, as I'm in the middle of working on it.

0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:44.520
<v Speaker 2>This here is an example of it. It's a boundary

0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:49.000
<v Speaker 2>and my job to decide what happens when when the

0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.000
<v Speaker 2>little one isn't doing what he's supposed to do. So

0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:53.000
<v Speaker 2>it's a boundary that I'm setting right now. I know

0:12:53.040 --> 0:12:55.000
<v Speaker 2>it's hard to get used to, and I know you

0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:58.040
<v Speaker 2>still may see me fall short, but that doesn't mean

0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:01.400
<v Speaker 2>that changes whose role is what? And so it might

0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:03.160
<v Speaker 2>be tricky to kind of stand by and watch me,

0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:04.960
<v Speaker 2>But that's exactly what I'm going to ask you to do.

0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:07.080
<v Speaker 2>Please feel free to come and tell me if you

0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:10.400
<v Speaker 2>think there's something going on, I absolutely, Like you know,

0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:14.560
<v Speaker 2>we're a boardroom. I'm the chair, like you be a

0:13:14.600 --> 0:13:16.880
<v Speaker 2>board member. Come tell me if there's something going on

0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:19.000
<v Speaker 2>that I didn't see, Come tell me there's something going

0:13:19.040 --> 0:13:21.800
<v Speaker 2>on that like an issue that needs to be addressed.

0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:23.360
<v Speaker 3>Absolutely, your voice will be heard.

0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:28.280
<v Speaker 2>That's a way to deal with that painful And it

0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:31.080
<v Speaker 2>sounds like somewhat real feedback is I'm in the middle

0:13:31.120 --> 0:13:33.640
<v Speaker 2>of setting a boundary now, so I'm asking you to

0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:37.000
<v Speaker 2>listen to it and fair. You're saying a truth and

0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:40.880
<v Speaker 2>I want your input. But I want to be the leader,

0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:43.120
<v Speaker 2>and I may fall short at times and you may

0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:44.960
<v Speaker 2>see it, you may point it out, and that's part

0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:47.240
<v Speaker 2>of being human, but that is still the goal I

0:13:47.240 --> 0:13:50.040
<v Speaker 2>have in mind. Again, that will feel containing. They do

0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:54.080
<v Speaker 2>not want to maintain the narrative that, oh my mom

0:13:54.160 --> 0:13:56.200
<v Speaker 2>can't do this, so I have to. That is not

0:13:56.320 --> 0:13:59.080
<v Speaker 2>fun for them and it's not true either. And you

0:13:59.080 --> 0:14:01.960
<v Speaker 2>know you working on setting boundaries, it sounds like it's

0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:05.240
<v Speaker 2>tied into this sense of guilt and self doubt. I

0:14:05.280 --> 0:14:09.439
<v Speaker 2>think a motivating element, even like a game changer, like

0:14:09.480 --> 0:14:12.200
<v Speaker 2>a breakthrough, is the very real idea and there's lots

0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:14.840
<v Speaker 2>of research in this regard that like the absence of

0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:19.080
<v Speaker 2>boundaries creates a decent amount of chaos for our kiddos.

0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:23.040
<v Speaker 2>You know, they really end up feeling a version of

0:14:23.480 --> 0:14:29.000
<v Speaker 2>dysregulation and unpredictability that you may not see in the moment, right,

0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:31.240
<v Speaker 2>you know, set a boundary, like you let them stay

0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:31.560
<v Speaker 2>up light.

0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:33.160
<v Speaker 3>It's not like they're out.

0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:37.640
<v Speaker 2>Of control and destabilized and fall apart. But over time

0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:42.400
<v Speaker 2>you may see them having trouble with a commitment or

0:14:42.480 --> 0:14:47.040
<v Speaker 2>attention or staying in things, or being a self starter,

0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:51.960
<v Speaker 2>or being autonomous or carving out directions for themselves on

0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:54.840
<v Speaker 2>like a micro a macro level, and just with emotional

0:14:54.880 --> 0:14:59.040
<v Speaker 2>as I said regulation that boundaries and structure and expectations

0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:03.200
<v Speaker 2>help kids feel safe. So as you consider like your

0:15:03.320 --> 0:15:07.640
<v Speaker 2>own feeling state, your guilt trying, and like your visual

0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:11.000
<v Speaker 2>hierarchy of needs, like at the top of that over

0:15:11.080 --> 0:15:15.640
<v Speaker 2>your guilt is their need for concrete structure in order

0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:19.360
<v Speaker 2>to feel emotionally safe, I aim to get there. What

0:15:19.400 --> 0:15:21.440
<v Speaker 2>you're saying is it's actually such a good point to

0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:23.840
<v Speaker 2>pause up for a minute, which is that when it

0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:26.480
<v Speaker 2>feels overwhelming, a lot of us just press like the

0:15:26.480 --> 0:15:28.920
<v Speaker 2>eject button. It's like, I don't have to do here,

0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:31.120
<v Speaker 2>and I'm just going to keep doing what I normally

0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:31.840
<v Speaker 2>do because I am.

0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:35.160
<v Speaker 3>Parallel to hustle and work and provide that's all, and

0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:37.800
<v Speaker 3>deal with anything else. Hate the bills. You know. It's

0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:49.840
<v Speaker 3>like everything you're saying feels so accurate.

0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:53.200
<v Speaker 1>And I'm the type that I'm a great listener and

0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:56.240
<v Speaker 1>I understand things, and I always say I'm an actress.

0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:56.880
<v Speaker 3>I take direction.

0:15:57.000 --> 0:15:59.720
<v Speaker 1>Well, so when I hear and I understand, I want

0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:03.240
<v Speaker 1>to take effect. But then I'm like, the holiday season

0:16:03.320 --> 0:16:07.360
<v Speaker 1>is December, you know, holidays coming up, and it's like, well,

0:16:07.360 --> 0:16:10.960
<v Speaker 1>I can't start now twenty twenty five, you know, January,

0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:14.800
<v Speaker 1>because there's also that guilt of like Christmas and the

0:16:14.880 --> 0:16:19.280
<v Speaker 1>expectations and just making My seven year old said, Mom,

0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:23.200
<v Speaker 1>do you think this Christmas you can buy me a gift?

0:16:23.640 --> 0:16:25.800
<v Speaker 1>Well I can't say to him, well, all the gifts

0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:27.120
<v Speaker 1>you got from Santa I.

0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:27.840
<v Speaker 3>Bought, you know.

0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:31.920
<v Speaker 1>So I was like, oh my gosh, you know, I

0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:33.800
<v Speaker 1>think one of the things I put was from me.

0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:35.800
<v Speaker 1>And then he got a present from his dad. But

0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:38.840
<v Speaker 1>also it was like he's not understanding because I think

0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:41.720
<v Speaker 1>in the past there's been over abundance of you know,

0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:44.480
<v Speaker 1>because of guilt and whatever I have, I work hard,

0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:48.600
<v Speaker 1>but whatever I have, I give to them and anyone

0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:51.560
<v Speaker 1>around me, Like, that's just who I am. I feel

0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.520
<v Speaker 1>like when you have it, share it. I don't believe

0:16:54.520 --> 0:16:57.320
<v Speaker 1>in holding onto it, which is why I have financial struggles.

0:16:57.520 --> 0:16:58.640
<v Speaker 3>So I have to readjust that.

0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.040
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, so he thought I didn't get him a

0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:03.920
<v Speaker 1>gift and I was like, oh, and I said, yes,

0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:06.879
<v Speaker 1>I promise, and it's it's just trying. And I know

0:17:07.080 --> 0:17:09.600
<v Speaker 1>you can relate, and every mom and dad out there

0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:14.240
<v Speaker 1>can relate. You know, the comparison with the friend circle,

0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:18.760
<v Speaker 1>it's a tough one. And you know, growing up for me,

0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:23.080
<v Speaker 1>my parents were super wealthy. So it's something new I'm

0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.280
<v Speaker 1>learning when you know my kids saying, oh, all my

0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:29.520
<v Speaker 1>friends either have this or are getting it, and I

0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:32.000
<v Speaker 1>can't puta for them, but I want to because I

0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:34.800
<v Speaker 1>want him to fit in. And I know this is

0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:37.439
<v Speaker 1>something you know, take the tory spelling out of it.

0:17:37.480 --> 0:17:40.640
<v Speaker 1>This is universal with parents everywhere. I'm sure you want

0:17:40.640 --> 0:17:42.320
<v Speaker 1>your kid to feel accepted.

0:17:42.640 --> 0:17:43.080
<v Speaker 3>Of course.

0:17:43.320 --> 0:17:46.720
<v Speaker 2>Of course, of course, it's like ubiquitous and primitive, right,

0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:49.600
<v Speaker 2>you know, when your kiddos say a version of that,

0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:53.240
<v Speaker 2>responding with something like, I think you're trying to ask me,

0:17:53.440 --> 0:17:57.600
<v Speaker 2>like where we are and what's possible in our family.

0:17:57.720 --> 0:17:59.720
<v Speaker 2>I think that's what you're trying to ask me. You know,

0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:02.439
<v Speaker 2>such a good question. I mean you're also asking me

0:18:02.480 --> 0:18:04.040
<v Speaker 2>if I'm going to get you a gift, and the

0:18:04.040 --> 0:18:06.280
<v Speaker 2>answers yes, I'm going to get you one gift, I'm

0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:07.960
<v Speaker 2>going to get you three gifts. Whatever the answer is, Like,

0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:10.280
<v Speaker 2>whatever the real answer is, I would provide it. But

0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:12.000
<v Speaker 2>I think you're trying to ask me where we are

0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:15.160
<v Speaker 2>and what's possible. And it's a good question because things

0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:17.360
<v Speaker 2>are tricky right now, and you notice that, so part

0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:20.080
<v Speaker 2>of you for asking this question. And the answer is

0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:22.639
<v Speaker 2>you know, I can't get you the same amount of

0:18:22.640 --> 0:18:24.200
<v Speaker 2>stuff that I used to be able to get you,

0:18:24.400 --> 0:18:27.280
<v Speaker 2>or I can't get you the same amount of stuff

0:18:27.280 --> 0:18:31.480
<v Speaker 2>that your friends are getting this year, so hard. I

0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:34.560
<v Speaker 2>know that feels sad. I know that feels bad. You know,

0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:36.280
<v Speaker 2>it's hard to look at other people and see what

0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:37.920
<v Speaker 2>they have and see we don't have the same thing.

0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:41.280
<v Speaker 2>Those are like real feelings and you're trying to figure

0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:44.359
<v Speaker 2>out what it's going to feel like this year. So

0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:46.919
<v Speaker 2>I'm trying to help you give you a sets of

0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:48.919
<v Speaker 2>about what it's going to feel like this year, and

0:18:48.960 --> 0:18:51.680
<v Speaker 2>it seems like it might not be exactly what you want,

0:18:51.760 --> 0:18:55.040
<v Speaker 2>and that's just really hard, you know. And I would

0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:59.040
<v Speaker 2>just sit in that conversation with him or any of

0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:01.800
<v Speaker 2>your kids that bring that up. Later you can say

0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:04.800
<v Speaker 2>something like, gosh, I was thinking about our conversation. I

0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:07.760
<v Speaker 2>have some other ideas, and it's during this time that

0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:11.159
<v Speaker 2>you can offer some other concepts about life that you

0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:15.560
<v Speaker 2>might want to put forth, like how important and invaluable

0:19:15.640 --> 0:19:20.080
<v Speaker 2>connection is, and how important it is to have gratitude

0:19:20.119 --> 0:19:23.959
<v Speaker 2>for what you do have, and how important it is

0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:27.600
<v Speaker 2>to value connection over stuff. Right, I don't want listeners

0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:30.560
<v Speaker 2>to think that it's only a discussion about stuff and

0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:32.600
<v Speaker 2>the only thing that matters. But we want to get

0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:35.639
<v Speaker 2>in their reality. That's a real thing. Your kid is

0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:39.200
<v Speaker 2>two things are happening. They're both trying to literally understand

0:19:39.200 --> 0:19:41.679
<v Speaker 2>what am I getting, relatives friends are getting, and also

0:19:42.119 --> 0:19:45.960
<v Speaker 2>what is happening in our family and post divorce and

0:19:46.119 --> 0:19:51.760
<v Speaker 2>a shift in financial situation that's disorienting. He wants to

0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:56.040
<v Speaker 2>be oriented, and so even if the news is not

0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:59.200
<v Speaker 2>what he wants to hear it's going to ultimately be grounding.

0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:02.159
<v Speaker 2>And even if you miss it the first time, like

0:20:02.200 --> 0:20:04.280
<v Speaker 2>you're just sort of like, yeah, one gift and you

0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:07.119
<v Speaker 2>miss the opportunity to you can always go back, you know,

0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:09.240
<v Speaker 2>I was thinking about it. You're asking. I think something

0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:11.200
<v Speaker 2>else too, And it gives you an opportunity to sort

0:20:11.200 --> 0:20:15.240
<v Speaker 2>of get in there because there's ongoing trauma and confusion

0:20:15.280 --> 0:20:18.400
<v Speaker 2>and considerations for kids not only who have a kind

0:20:18.440 --> 0:20:20.760
<v Speaker 2>of change in financial situation, but for kids who are

0:20:21.080 --> 0:20:25.320
<v Speaker 2>going through separation and divorce. Every season of kids' lives,

0:20:25.880 --> 0:20:28.920
<v Speaker 2>it hits them differently, and so you have five who

0:20:28.960 --> 0:20:31.440
<v Speaker 2>are going to have this hit them differently in different ways,

0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:34.720
<v Speaker 2>in different seasons. So staying in that conversation with them.

0:20:34.720 --> 0:20:38.399
<v Speaker 1>Is really important, definitely, And I think on my part,

0:20:38.520 --> 0:20:42.720
<v Speaker 1>at least, the want of kids always just wanting their

0:20:42.760 --> 0:20:49.480
<v Speaker 1>parents together, I think kept me from ultimately making well

0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:52.800
<v Speaker 1>was outwardly a better decision for them and what they

0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:56.400
<v Speaker 1>saw between two partners. It kept me for a long

0:20:56.440 --> 0:21:03.760
<v Speaker 1>time is because in my conditioned brain, of course, you know,

0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:08.480
<v Speaker 1>my parents were married over twenty five years up until

0:21:08.480 --> 0:21:11.000
<v Speaker 1>my dad passed, you know, and I saw.

0:21:10.880 --> 0:21:13.960
<v Speaker 3>A family always together, and so it was different.

0:21:14.200 --> 0:21:17.560
<v Speaker 1>And I always thought, you know, as bad as things

0:21:17.680 --> 0:21:21.919
<v Speaker 1>might be between my partner and myself, it's better to

0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:26.400
<v Speaker 1>have their dad in the house than in a different residence,

0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:30.840
<v Speaker 1>and that I think that kept me in the relationship

0:21:31.000 --> 0:21:36.040
<v Speaker 1>far too long, and it, ultimately, I feel did a

0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:40.080
<v Speaker 1>disservice to my kids, you know. Granted, you know, I

0:21:40.119 --> 0:21:42.440
<v Speaker 1>think both he and I were in a place where

0:21:42.640 --> 0:21:46.359
<v Speaker 1>we might have separated and divorced before Bo was born,

0:21:46.760 --> 0:21:51.399
<v Speaker 1>but we worked on our relationships stayed together, and I'll

0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:54.880
<v Speaker 1>never regret not leaving then. I'm sure he wouldn't either,

0:21:55.040 --> 0:21:58.280
<v Speaker 1>because we wouldn't have had Bo. And Bo is our

0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:01.440
<v Speaker 1>blessing and our love and our heart and souls. So

0:22:02.240 --> 0:22:05.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm grateful. But you know, after Bo was born and

0:22:05.800 --> 0:22:09.800
<v Speaker 1>I was twenty seventeen, things didn't get better between us,

0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:12.960
<v Speaker 1>and and granted, there's still times that I'm like, oh

0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:15.840
<v Speaker 1>my gosh, it would be so nice to have that

0:22:15.920 --> 0:22:19.320
<v Speaker 1>extra set of hands in the house. It would be

0:22:19.359 --> 0:22:22.400
<v Speaker 1>so nice for the kids to be like, Okay, mom's there,

0:22:22.440 --> 0:22:24.439
<v Speaker 1>and I see dads in the other room. And to

0:22:24.480 --> 0:22:28.119
<v Speaker 1>be honest, in the last years of our relationship, we

0:22:28.160 --> 0:22:30.440
<v Speaker 1>did things as a family for the kids, and we,

0:22:30.760 --> 0:22:33.320
<v Speaker 1>you know, would be in the same room, but you know,

0:22:33.800 --> 0:22:36.840
<v Speaker 1>I was in my bedroom. He slept in a different bedroom.

0:22:37.040 --> 0:22:39.680
<v Speaker 1>My husband is sober now over a year now, so

0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:41.160
<v Speaker 1>we're very proud of him.

0:22:41.680 --> 0:22:42.640
<v Speaker 3>But before that, it.

0:22:42.600 --> 0:22:45.800
<v Speaker 1>Was it was rough for them to see and it

0:22:45.880 --> 0:22:50.320
<v Speaker 1>was very disjointing. And I feel like I didn't separate

0:22:50.359 --> 0:22:55.440
<v Speaker 1>the families in household terms, only sooner, But of course

0:22:55.440 --> 0:22:57.640
<v Speaker 1>we can't go back, so we're dealing with it now.

0:22:57.720 --> 0:23:00.800
<v Speaker 1>But it's hard not to have their in the house.

0:23:01.280 --> 0:23:05.120
<v Speaker 2>Many many women stay longer than they quote should or

0:23:05.680 --> 0:23:10.240
<v Speaker 2>stay period because of these truths, and you picked up

0:23:10.640 --> 0:23:13.960
<v Speaker 2>a harder path. Ultimately. One of the things I like

0:23:14.040 --> 0:23:16.200
<v Speaker 2>to talk about with clients that are going through divorce

0:23:16.320 --> 0:23:22.280
<v Speaker 2>is thinking about the conceptualization example of love that you

0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:25.120
<v Speaker 2>are holding up for your kids is really important. When

0:23:25.119 --> 0:23:27.880
<v Speaker 2>there's an absence of fill in the blank, an absence

0:23:27.920 --> 0:23:33.320
<v Speaker 2>of connection, playfulness, romanticism, communication, whatever the things that were

0:23:33.320 --> 0:23:36.800
<v Speaker 2>absent in your relationship with your ex husband. We're teaching

0:23:36.800 --> 0:23:40.280
<v Speaker 2>them something about what relationships are and what love is,

0:23:40.600 --> 0:23:43.919
<v Speaker 2>and it matters and it has an imprint and making

0:23:43.920 --> 0:23:48.880
<v Speaker 2>a decision to disentangle that and explain to the kids

0:23:48.960 --> 0:23:52.920
<v Speaker 2>in age appropriate way. We're better off as your parents

0:23:53.000 --> 0:23:56.399
<v Speaker 2>rather than as a married couple. Allows for a shift

0:23:56.400 --> 0:24:00.159
<v Speaker 2>in that narrative, and we have a responsibility about the

0:24:00.200 --> 0:24:03.359
<v Speaker 2>story we share with our kids model for our kids

0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:07.600
<v Speaker 2>about love. And it's one of I think the orienting

0:24:07.640 --> 0:24:11.480
<v Speaker 2>factors to hang on to when you're in the midst

0:24:11.480 --> 0:24:14.880
<v Speaker 2>of co creating the separation of a family, because it's

0:24:15.560 --> 0:24:18.480
<v Speaker 2>you know, it's like an assault on the heart, co

0:24:18.600 --> 0:24:24.600
<v Speaker 2>creating that right, it's unthinkable and in the doing of it,

0:24:24.600 --> 0:24:27.960
<v Speaker 2>it's incredibly painful. But that is one of the grounding forces,

0:24:28.040 --> 0:24:29.640
<v Speaker 2>I think, and it sounds like one of the things

0:24:29.640 --> 0:24:33.280
<v Speaker 2>that led you out, and you know, not doing it

0:24:33.320 --> 0:24:37.120
<v Speaker 2>sooner is all part of that analysis and calculation of

0:24:37.240 --> 0:24:41.320
<v Speaker 2>like where it's the tipping point and you're in the

0:24:41.359 --> 0:24:45.280
<v Speaker 2>midst of two not such great decisions. There's just there's

0:24:45.440 --> 0:24:49.119
<v Speaker 2>no winning path there in terms of the kids.

0:24:49.400 --> 0:24:51.480
<v Speaker 1>I know I unloided a lot on you today and

0:24:51.560 --> 0:24:54.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm so sorry. I didn't anticipate even opening up this much.

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<v Speaker 1>I've really related to you and connect it with you,

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<v Speaker 1>so thank you.

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<v Speaker 3>Would you come back and do this with me again?

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<v Speaker 3>Will you have me? Or am I too? Much.

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<v Speaker 2>I will absolutely come back, and I loved our conversation too.

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<v Speaker 1>Here's my takeaway, Doctor Hillary, I deserve to have you

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<v Speaker 1>in my life.