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Speaker 1: Misspelling with Tory Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast and back where

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Speaker 1: I Belong I'm back with doctor Hillary. Yes, there's deep

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Speaker 1: wounds about the public perception, the constant public perception. Like

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Speaker 1: the wounds are so deep it's like scar tissue that's

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Speaker 1: built up so far, I don't even know how to

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Speaker 1: unravel it to start anew.

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Speaker 2: Is a very particular plight a celebrities relationship with the

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Speaker 2: public perception, and it's difficult to talk about because it

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Speaker 2: sort of plays into the very thing we're talking about,

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Speaker 2: which is holding up your particular role in society, which

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Speaker 2: is unique and embodied by just a small percentage of people.

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Speaker 2: But no one really understands unless you're in it, what

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Speaker 2: it's like to live your life, to have those kind

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Speaker 2: of projections and opinions and perceptions put on you. It

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Speaker 2: can be quite traumatic in its persistent. It's an important

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Speaker 2: thing to continue to unwind, and it's much more complex

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Speaker 2: than this conversation. But for the purposes of this conversation,

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Speaker 2: I just want to reflect back to you that that

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Speaker 2: is your truth, and that is the dilemma your family

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Speaker 2: is facing. So by definition, all of those components of

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Speaker 2: your family dynamic are going to be less than ideal

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Speaker 2: or quote subpar, because you're having to exist in a

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Speaker 2: real life scenario where you're trying to keep your family

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Speaker 2: safe and educated and living well enough, right, and so

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Speaker 2: it's a portion of it that you have to continue

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Speaker 2: to work to accept. It's going to be imperfect because

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Speaker 2: of your situation. And this is true for most people.

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Speaker 1: We've all talked as a family, mom works so we

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Speaker 1: can live, and that's the reality. And I don't know

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Speaker 1: how to break it down any simpler. Maybe that's too

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Speaker 1: harsh to say to them.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, no, I have many things to say about this,

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Speaker 2: and you're talking about such a ubiquitous plight for many

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Speaker 2: women that what is ideal in terms of attention and

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Speaker 2: roles and responsibilities for children is not able to be

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Speaker 2: cultivated because of the reality of needing to provide resources.

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Speaker 3: Period.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't really matter if the public understands or not.

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Speaker 2: That's your reality. The way that I like to combat

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Speaker 2: the kind of guilt that you're talking out about and

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Speaker 2: the potential side effects of the roles that your children

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Speaker 2: and body or sixteen year old in particular, or the

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Speaker 2: things that your kids might feel or miss out on

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Speaker 2: because of the thing I talked to you about before,

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Speaker 2: which is narrating. It sounds like you do do that

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Speaker 2: to a a certain extent, but you can be more

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Speaker 2: pointed in this regard. Do you sit down with them.

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Speaker 2: You might sit down with them as a group. I

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Speaker 2: would certainly sit down with your sixteen year old separately

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Speaker 2: and sort of saying like, I just want to think

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Speaker 2: out loud with you about this truth that we have

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Speaker 2: going on in this family. Right You're in this role

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Speaker 2: of taking care of family needs and the kiddos in

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Speaker 2: a way that like most kids aren't, and you're amazing

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Speaker 2: at it, and you're like a beautiful machine, you know,

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Speaker 2: And I'm.

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Speaker 3: So proud of you.

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Speaker 2: And also it's hard and it's something I would rather

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Speaker 2: not have you do. And whether you notice that feeling

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Speaker 2: inside or not, I do, and I can't fix it.

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Speaker 2: I can't change it, but I just want to let

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Speaker 2: you know I see it, and if there are any

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Speaker 2: moments I can lessen the load, I will do so.

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Speaker 2: But in the meantime, like I see you, I acknowledge

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Speaker 2: this is hard, and you know, I'm so sorry for

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Speaker 2: the moments when it's overwhelmed. I'm so sorry when it's

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Speaker 2: overwhelming I'm so sorry for the moments when you're doing

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Speaker 2: something that like a kiddo shouldn't have to do, and

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Speaker 2: I just want to sit with you in that truth.

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Speaker 2: It's really important for our kids to have us narrate

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Speaker 2: the reality when something's hard. It's hard, and if we

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Speaker 2: can't change it, we can't change it. Paradoxically, saying it

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Speaker 2: aloud is very containing. So while of course we can't

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Speaker 2: quote fix the fact that your daughter has to take

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Speaker 2: on these roles at the moment, what you can do

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Speaker 2: is narrate it for her and validate it and stand

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Speaker 2: in that truth with her. It will make such a

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Speaker 2: big difference in her story, her conceptualization of it, in

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Speaker 2: a year, in five years, and ten years, and my

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Speaker 2: mom understood the impact on me. It didn't change maybe

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Speaker 2: what I did or didn't have to do or get

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Speaker 2: to do, but having somebody witness to your truth is everything.

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Speaker 1: I do feel it's important to talk to her about that,

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Speaker 1: especially right now, because I know her life does look

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Speaker 1: very different than her friend's lives, and yeah, I'll try

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Speaker 1: to acknowledge that more. And I've also seen because of

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Speaker 1: and this has really happened in the last three months

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Speaker 1: of working constantly that the other four, predominantly both females

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Speaker 1: that would be my six year old and my thirteen

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Speaker 1: year old, have really hardcore taken on the parental rule

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Speaker 1: with the seven year old, and I feel like it's

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Speaker 1: confusing to him and not backfiring. But my husband was,

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Speaker 1: you know, we'd always you know, we talk in terms

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Speaker 1: of two parent figures and there's a bad cop and

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Speaker 1: a good cop.

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Speaker 3: He was definitely more strict. I was more lenient.

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Speaker 1: He was you know, by the book and get things done,

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Speaker 1: more organized, process, stuff, procedural, all of that. I was

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Speaker 1: the loving, emotional let's make stuff, Let's do this, like,

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Speaker 1: let's go, let's do you know, free spirit, kind of love,

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Speaker 1: love love, kind to a fault.

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Speaker 3: Probably should have put.

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Speaker 1: More boundaries in place, and then boom, when your houses

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Speaker 1: are separating, you go through a divorce, it's something you

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Speaker 1: kind of don't think about when that partner that did

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Speaker 1: set the boundaries and was the voice of no is

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Speaker 1: suddenly eliminated from the house. So that is on a

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Speaker 1: whole new level. I had to suddenly take on both

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Speaker 1: roles good cop, bad cop. You know, I became the

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Speaker 1: kind enforcer. It was clashing on every level of my DNA.

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Speaker 1: So for the first year, I did hear a lot

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Speaker 1: of you sound like dad, and I was.

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Speaker 3: Like, oh, my gosh.

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Speaker 1: Not that I don't like Dean or love him, but

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Speaker 1: it was like I knew what they meant. You know,

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Speaker 1: you're being so strict, and you know, it was a

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Speaker 1: hard thing to hear, and I'd be like, well, you know,

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Speaker 1: I have to step up, and i'd tell him now.

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Speaker 1: You know, back then I would think your ring all

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Speaker 1: too hard on them. But I look back now and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, you're doing a really great job

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Speaker 1: in that respect because I wasn't setting boundaries, was too lenient.

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Speaker 1: I was too the guilt mom that was always working.

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Speaker 1: So I you know, it's just all about love fun.

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Speaker 1: Oh it's okay if you don't do this or clean

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Speaker 1: up or you know, take out the dogs. Like now,

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Speaker 1: when I'm doing it all alone, I realize, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: they got to step up because I can't manage a

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Speaker 1: life of six and work at.

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Speaker 3: The same time alone. You have to help me, guys.

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Speaker 1: I was talking about the older kids being parental figures

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Speaker 1: to the seven year old. But I do hear this

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Speaker 1: a lot lately. What tone are you speaking to me,

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Speaker 1: and who do you think you're talking to? They don't

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Speaker 1: say it loud or mean, but very stern. Parent, that's

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Speaker 1: not okay. You need to go sit in a time out.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, whoa, guys, because then he comes to

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Speaker 1: me and I'll be in another room working and I'm like, wait,

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Speaker 1: what happened? What happened? So I'm hearing his story. He's crying,

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Speaker 1: and I have said to them, you know, guys, it

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Speaker 1: might be confusing for him. Well, he's acting out more.

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Speaker 1: And I said, because he's confused. Perhaps when I was

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Speaker 1: gone for three weeks, or when I'm on set, or

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Speaker 1: when I'm working outside of the home, that makes sense

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Speaker 1: to him. But when I am here, he's confused because

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Speaker 1: he has four siblings that are acting like a parent.

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Speaker 1: But then he has one parent that perhaps is just going, going, going,

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Speaker 1: that's not setting the boundaries.

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Speaker 3: So I'm sure he's confused.

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Speaker 2: I think it's really important that you recast yourself as

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Speaker 2: the arbitrator of what happens with your little one. And

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Speaker 2: I would again, I'm so big on narrating. I'm say

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Speaker 2: it out loud. I identified something in our family that's

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Speaker 2: not working. Oops, we're going to shift it like, sorry, guys,

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Speaker 2: sometimes takes me a minute to figure out what's right

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Speaker 2: for us, and I think I got it. So I

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Speaker 2: am the CEO of what happens with all of you kits,

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Speaker 2: including the little one, and guys, thank you so much

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Speaker 2: for taking care of him, for watching him, for playing

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Speaker 2: with him, for feeding him, for getting to bed on time.

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Speaker 2: You guys are amazing, And I understand why you might

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Speaker 2: have moved towards taking on this role of sort of

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Speaker 2: disciplinarian or you know, helping him regular whatever the thing is.

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Speaker 2: But I am. I am the CEO of that part

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Speaker 2: of this family. And so if something happens with him,

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Speaker 2: like come find me, like tell me what's going on,

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Speaker 2: and like happy to hear your opinion, happy to hear

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Speaker 2: your perspective. But I am the decider. If he goes

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Speaker 2: into time out, I am the decider, if he has

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Speaker 2: to go into his room. I am the decider if

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Speaker 2: his tone is appropriate or not. And while your older

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Speaker 2: ones will not thank you for this in the moment,

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Speaker 2: in fact, they may even protest, in the long run,

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Speaker 2: they will thank you for it. They don't want the role,

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Speaker 2: they don't want the responsibility. It feels over time uncontaining

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Speaker 2: rather than you know, sort of autonomy producing right what

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Speaker 2: most kids crave. It's like some version of like whatever

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Speaker 2: they say goes, and whoever the they is, whether it's

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Speaker 2: like you or you and your partner, whoever it is,

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Speaker 2: that's containing and predictive and regulating. So I would like

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Speaker 2: make an announcement that this is going to shift and

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Speaker 2: I get it, like it might take a moment for

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Speaker 2: everyone to remember what their roles are, but this is

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Speaker 2: what we're headed to. And I would empower your little one,

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Speaker 2: like not in a shaming way with your older ones,

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Speaker 2: but like, hey, if this is like going on, just

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Speaker 2: just come let me know, because we're in the middle

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Speaker 2: of shiftingness. We're in the middle of changing it back

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Speaker 2: and look toward. Just because you were not there at times,

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Speaker 2: says many many parents across the country, doesn't mean you

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Speaker 2: have to or should relinquish any part of that role.

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Speaker 2: You still have to embody it fully and they want

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Speaker 2: you to. They're not going to ask you for it,

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Speaker 2: and I'm going to thank you for it, but they

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Speaker 2: want you to. It is the opposite of regulating and

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Speaker 2: orienting and grounding. When we abandon that role or do

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Speaker 2: it intermittently. Nobody enforces boundaries regularly and properly all the time.

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Speaker 2: We get exhausted and overwhelmed and like say, just do it.

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Speaker 2: So it My gauge is always like more often than not,

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Speaker 2: you know, more often than not is what we're going for.

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Speaker 2: Like life is imperfect and messy, as I was saying before,

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Speaker 2: But that second piece you're talking about so critical, which

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Speaker 2: is really difficult embodying that role of being the like

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Speaker 2: boundary setter and the enforcer. One of my favorite parenting

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Speaker 2: hacks is like you can always go back. So it's like,

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Speaker 2: you know, it's the next day, your thirteen year old,

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Speaker 2: and you're like, you asked to stay up late. I

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Speaker 2: said yes, and you went to bed two hours past

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Speaker 2: your bedtime. You know what I thought about it, that's

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Speaker 2: on me. The answer should have been no. You know,

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Speaker 2: I felt that I was gone. I felt that I

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Speaker 2: didn't see you all day, and I still feel like, really, you're.

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Speaker 3: Missing time with you.

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Speaker 2: But you know what, it's my job to make sure

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Speaker 2: you're safe and you're well rested and ready for school,

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Speaker 2: and like next time it's going to be a now off.

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Speaker 2: You know, I love you so that even when you

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Speaker 2: mess it up, you can say it out loud and

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Speaker 2: sort of hold yourself accountable in sort of a kind way.

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Speaker 1: I have said it to the thirteen year old and

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Speaker 1: the six year old, and unfortunately the answer, and it's

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Speaker 1: not wrong in their part, is but he needs boundaries

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Speaker 1: and you don't do it, you don't say no to him. Yep,

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Speaker 1: they're not wrong.

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Speaker 2: So two things I would say to them fair I

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Speaker 2: hear you acknowledged, validated, and painful for all three of us.

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Speaker 2: You know, just sit in that truth. I am in

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Speaker 2: the middle of working on it. It is accurate having

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Speaker 2: said that, as I'm in the middle of working on it.

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Speaker 2: This here is an example of it. It's a boundary

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Speaker 2: and my job to decide what happens when when the

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Speaker 2: little one isn't doing what he's supposed to do. So

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Speaker 2: it's a boundary that I'm setting right now. I know

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Speaker 2: it's hard to get used to, and I know you

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Speaker 2: still may see me fall short, but that doesn't mean

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Speaker 2: that changes whose role is what? And so it might

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Speaker 2: be tricky to kind of stand by and watch me,

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Speaker 2: But that's exactly what I'm going to ask you to do.

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Speaker 2: Please feel free to come and tell me if you

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Speaker 2: think there's something going on, I absolutely, Like you know,

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Speaker 2: we're a boardroom. I'm the chair, like you be a

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Speaker 2: board member. Come tell me if there's something going on

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Speaker 2: that I didn't see, Come tell me there's something going

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Speaker 2: on that like an issue that needs to be addressed.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, your voice will be heard.

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Speaker 2: That's a way to deal with that painful And it

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Speaker 2: sounds like somewhat real feedback is I'm in the middle

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Speaker 2: of setting a boundary now, so I'm asking you to

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Speaker 2: listen to it and fair. You're saying a truth and

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Speaker 2: I want your input. But I want to be the leader,

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Speaker 2: and I may fall short at times and you may

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Speaker 2: see it, you may point it out, and that's part

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Speaker 2: of being human, but that is still the goal I

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Speaker 2: have in mind. Again, that will feel containing. They do

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Speaker 2: not want to maintain the narrative that, oh my mom

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Speaker 2: can't do this, so I have to. That is not

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Speaker 2: fun for them and it's not true either. And you

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Speaker 2: know you working on setting boundaries, it sounds like it's

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Speaker 2: tied into this sense of guilt and self doubt. I

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Speaker 2: think a motivating element, even like a game changer, like

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Speaker 2: a breakthrough, is the very real idea and there's lots

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Speaker 2: of research in this regard that like the absence of

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Speaker 2: boundaries creates a decent amount of chaos for our kiddos.

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Speaker 2: You know, they really end up feeling a version of

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Speaker 2: dysregulation and unpredictability that you may not see in the moment, right,

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Speaker 2: you know, set a boundary, like you let them stay

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Speaker 2: up light.

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Speaker 3: It's not like they're out.

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Speaker 2: Of control and destabilized and fall apart. But over time

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Speaker 2: you may see them having trouble with a commitment or

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Speaker 2: attention or staying in things, or being a self starter,

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Speaker 2: or being autonomous or carving out directions for themselves on

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Speaker 2: like a micro a macro level, and just with emotional

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Speaker 2: as I said regulation that boundaries and structure and expectations

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Speaker 2: help kids feel safe. So as you consider like your

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Speaker 2: own feeling state, your guilt trying, and like your visual

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Speaker 2: hierarchy of needs, like at the top of that over

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Speaker 2: your guilt is their need for concrete structure in order

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Speaker 2: to feel emotionally safe, I aim to get there. What

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Speaker 2: you're saying is it's actually such a good point to

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Speaker 2: pause up for a minute, which is that when it

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Speaker 2: feels overwhelming, a lot of us just press like the

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Speaker 2: eject button. It's like, I don't have to do here,

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Speaker 2: and I'm just going to keep doing what I normally

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Speaker 2: do because I am.

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Speaker 3: Parallel to hustle and work and provide that's all, and

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Speaker 3: deal with anything else. Hate the bills. You know. It's

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Speaker 3: like everything you're saying feels so accurate.

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Speaker 1: And I'm the type that I'm a great listener and

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Speaker 1: I understand things, and I always say I'm an actress.

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Speaker 3: I take direction.

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Speaker 1: Well, so when I hear and I understand, I want

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Speaker 1: to take effect. But then I'm like, the holiday season

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Speaker 1: is December, you know, holidays coming up, and it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: I can't start now twenty twenty five, you know, January,

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Speaker 1: because there's also that guilt of like Christmas and the

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Speaker 1: expectations and just making My seven year old said, Mom,

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Speaker 1: do you think this Christmas you can buy me a gift?

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Speaker 1: Well I can't say to him, well, all the gifts

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Speaker 1: you got from Santa I.

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Speaker 3: Bought, you know.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, oh my gosh, you know, I

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Speaker 1: think one of the things I put was from me.

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Speaker 1: And then he got a present from his dad. But

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Speaker 1: also it was like he's not understanding because I think

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Speaker 1: in the past there's been over abundance of you know,

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Speaker 1: because of guilt and whatever I have, I work hard,

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Speaker 1: but whatever I have, I give to them and anyone

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Speaker 1: around me, Like, that's just who I am. I feel

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Speaker 1: like when you have it, share it. I don't believe

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Speaker 1: in holding onto it, which is why I have financial struggles.

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Speaker 3: So I have to readjust that.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, so he thought I didn't get him a

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Speaker 1: gift and I was like, oh, and I said, yes,

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Speaker 1: I promise, and it's it's just trying. And I know

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Speaker 1: you can relate, and every mom and dad out there

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Speaker 1: can relate. You know, the comparison with the friend circle,

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Speaker 1: it's a tough one. And you know, growing up for me,

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Speaker 1: my parents were super wealthy. So it's something new I'm

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Speaker 1: learning when you know my kids saying, oh, all my

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Speaker 1: friends either have this or are getting it, and I

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Speaker 1: can't puta for them, but I want to because I

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Speaker 1: want him to fit in. And I know this is

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Speaker 1: something you know, take the tory spelling out of it.

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Speaker 1: This is universal with parents everywhere. I'm sure you want

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Speaker 1: your kid to feel accepted.

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Speaker 3: Of course.

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Speaker 2: Of course, of course, it's like ubiquitous and primitive, right,

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Speaker 2: you know, when your kiddos say a version of that,

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Speaker 2: responding with something like, I think you're trying to ask me,

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Speaker 2: like where we are and what's possible in our family.

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Speaker 2: I think that's what you're trying to ask me. You know,

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Speaker 2: such a good question. I mean you're also asking me

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Speaker 2: if I'm going to get you a gift, and the

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Speaker 2: answers yes, I'm going to get you one gift, I'm

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Speaker 2: going to get you three gifts. Whatever the answer is, Like,

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Speaker 2: whatever the real answer is, I would provide it. But

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Speaker 2: I think you're trying to ask me where we are

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Speaker 2: and what's possible. And it's a good question because things

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Speaker 2: are tricky right now, and you notice that, so part

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Speaker 2: of you for asking this question. And the answer is

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Speaker 2: you know, I can't get you the same amount of

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Speaker 2: stuff that I used to be able to get you,

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Speaker 2: or I can't get you the same amount of stuff

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Speaker 2: that your friends are getting this year, so hard. I

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Speaker 2: know that feels sad. I know that feels bad. You know,

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Speaker 2: it's hard to look at other people and see what

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Speaker 2: they have and see we don't have the same thing.

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Speaker 2: Those are like real feelings and you're trying to figure

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Speaker 2: out what it's going to feel like this year. So

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to help you give you a sets of

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Speaker 2: about what it's going to feel like this year, and

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Speaker 2: it seems like it might not be exactly what you want,

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Speaker 2: and that's just really hard, you know. And I would

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Speaker 2: just sit in that conversation with him or any of

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Speaker 2: your kids that bring that up. Later you can say

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Speaker 2: something like, gosh, I was thinking about our conversation. I

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Speaker 2: have some other ideas, and it's during this time that

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Speaker 2: you can offer some other concepts about life that you

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Speaker 2: might want to put forth, like how important and invaluable

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Speaker 2: connection is, and how important it is to have gratitude

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Speaker 2: for what you do have, and how important it is

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Speaker 2: to value connection over stuff. Right, I don't want listeners

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Speaker 2: to think that it's only a discussion about stuff and

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Speaker 2: the only thing that matters. But we want to get

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Speaker 2: in their reality. That's a real thing. Your kid is

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Speaker 2: two things are happening. They're both trying to literally understand

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Speaker 2: what am I getting, relatives friends are getting, and also

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Speaker 2: what is happening in our family and post divorce and

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Speaker 2: a shift in financial situation that's disorienting. He wants to

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Speaker 2: be oriented, and so even if the news is not

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Speaker 2: what he wants to hear it's going to ultimately be grounding.

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Speaker 2: And even if you miss it the first time, like

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Speaker 2: you're just sort of like, yeah, one gift and you

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Speaker 2: miss the opportunity to you can always go back, you know,

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Speaker 2: I was thinking about it. You're asking. I think something

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00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,200
Speaker 2: else too, And it gives you an opportunity to sort

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Speaker 2: of get in there because there's ongoing trauma and confusion

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Speaker 2: and considerations for kids not only who have a kind

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Speaker 2: of change in financial situation, but for kids who are

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Speaker 2: going through separation and divorce. Every season of kids' lives,

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Speaker 2: it hits them differently, and so you have five who

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Speaker 2: are going to have this hit them differently in different ways,

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Speaker 2: in different seasons. So staying in that conversation with them.

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Speaker 1: Is really important, definitely, And I think on my part,

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Speaker 1: at least, the want of kids always just wanting their

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Speaker 1: parents together, I think kept me from ultimately making well

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Speaker 1: was outwardly a better decision for them and what they

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Speaker 1: saw between two partners. It kept me for a long

390
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Speaker 1: time is because in my conditioned brain, of course, you know,

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Speaker 1: my parents were married over twenty five years up until

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Speaker 1: my dad passed, you know, and I saw.

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Speaker 3: A family always together, and so it was different.

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Speaker 1: And I always thought, you know, as bad as things

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Speaker 1: might be between my partner and myself, it's better to

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Speaker 1: have their dad in the house than in a different residence,

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Speaker 1: and that I think that kept me in the relationship

398
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Speaker 1: far too long, and it, ultimately, I feel did a

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Speaker 1: disservice to my kids, you know. Granted, you know, I

400
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:42,440
Speaker 1: think both he and I were in a place where

401
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:46,359
Speaker 1: we might have separated and divorced before Bo was born,

402
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:51,399
Speaker 1: but we worked on our relationships stayed together, and I'll

403
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Speaker 1: never regret not leaving then. I'm sure he wouldn't either,

404
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Speaker 1: because we wouldn't have had Bo. And Bo is our

405
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,440
Speaker 1: blessing and our love and our heart and souls. So

406
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,760
Speaker 1: I'm grateful. But you know, after Bo was born and

407
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:09,800
Speaker 1: I was twenty seventeen, things didn't get better between us,

408
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Speaker 1: and and granted, there's still times that I'm like, oh

409
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Speaker 1: my gosh, it would be so nice to have that

410
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Speaker 1: extra set of hands in the house. It would be

411
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Speaker 1: so nice for the kids to be like, Okay, mom's there,

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Speaker 1: and I see dads in the other room. And to

413
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Speaker 1: be honest, in the last years of our relationship, we

414
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Speaker 1: did things as a family for the kids, and we,

415
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,320
Speaker 1: you know, would be in the same room, but you know,

416
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Speaker 1: I was in my bedroom. He slept in a different bedroom.

417
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,680
Speaker 1: My husband is sober now over a year now, so

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Speaker 1: we're very proud of him.

419
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Speaker 3: But before that, it.

420
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Speaker 1: Was it was rough for them to see and it

421
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Speaker 1: was very disjointing. And I feel like I didn't separate

422
00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:55,440
Speaker 1: the families in household terms, only sooner, But of course

423
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Speaker 1: we can't go back, so we're dealing with it now.

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Speaker 1: But it's hard not to have their in the house.

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Speaker 2: Many many women stay longer than they quote should or

426
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:10,240
Speaker 2: stay period because of these truths, and you picked up

427
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,960
Speaker 2: a harder path. Ultimately. One of the things I like

428
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,200
Speaker 2: to talk about with clients that are going through divorce

429
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:22,280
Speaker 2: is thinking about the conceptualization example of love that you

430
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:25,120
Speaker 2: are holding up for your kids is really important. When

431
00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:27,880
Speaker 2: there's an absence of fill in the blank, an absence

432
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:33,320
Speaker 2: of connection, playfulness, romanticism, communication, whatever the things that were

433
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,800
Speaker 2: absent in your relationship with your ex husband. We're teaching

434
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:40,280
Speaker 2: them something about what relationships are and what love is,

435
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,919
Speaker 2: and it matters and it has an imprint and making

436
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:48,880
Speaker 2: a decision to disentangle that and explain to the kids

437
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 2: in age appropriate way. We're better off as your parents

438
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,399
Speaker 2: rather than as a married couple. Allows for a shift

439
00:23:56,400 --> 00:24:00,159
Speaker 2: in that narrative, and we have a responsibility about the

440
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,359
Speaker 2: story we share with our kids model for our kids

441
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,600
Speaker 2: about love. And it's one of I think the orienting

442
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 2: factors to hang on to when you're in the midst

443
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:14,880
Speaker 2: of co creating the separation of a family, because it's

444
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:18,480
Speaker 2: you know, it's like an assault on the heart, co

445
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:24,600
Speaker 2: creating that right, it's unthinkable and in the doing of it,

446
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,960
Speaker 2: it's incredibly painful. But that is one of the grounding forces,

447
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,640
Speaker 2: I think, and it sounds like one of the things

448
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 2: that led you out, and you know, not doing it

449
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:37,120
Speaker 2: sooner is all part of that analysis and calculation of

450
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:41,320
Speaker 2: like where it's the tipping point and you're in the

451
00:24:41,359 --> 00:24:45,280
Speaker 2: midst of two not such great decisions. There's just there's

452
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:49,119
Speaker 2: no winning path there in terms of the kids.

453
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,480
Speaker 1: I know I unloided a lot on you today and

454
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,720
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I didn't anticipate even opening up this much.

455
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:58,359
Speaker 1: I've really related to you and connect it with you,

456
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,000
Speaker 1: so thank you.

457
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,639
Speaker 3: Would you come back and do this with me again?

458
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,520
Speaker 3: Will you have me? Or am I too? Much.

459
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,240
Speaker 2: I will absolutely come back, and I loved our conversation too.

460
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,399
Speaker 1: Here's my takeaway, Doctor Hillary, I deserve to have you

461
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:19,200
Speaker 1: in my life.