Speaker 1: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Alchemy This.
Speaker 1: I'm your guest host, James Heeney. I'm sitting in for
Speaker 1: Kevin Pollock today. Let's meet our alchemists in particular order. Cool,
Speaker 1: Welcome to Alchemy This. How are you today? Great? Thank
Speaker 1: you for picking me first. Um, I mean this particular
Speaker 1: order thing is fantastic. I really love it, so thank you.
Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. Great. I've got a question for you.
Speaker 1: It's personalized just for this experience. What is the biggest
Speaker 1: asset that you bring to a softball team? Oh? Uh, well,
Speaker 1: I bat leadoff most of the time and I hit
Speaker 1: opposite field most of the time too, So I get
Speaker 1: on base. That's what I do. I'm fascinating it on
Speaker 1: base Now, is that the most important part of being
Speaker 1: Like you think that that? Like, if you don't get
Speaker 1: on base, what are you doing on a baseball team?
Speaker 1: Or is there other things that are important? Everybody has
Speaker 1: different roles, you know, Like the leadoff guys are just
Speaker 1: supposed to get onto. Then the big boppers come up
Speaker 1: and hit a deep flyball, so even if it gets caught,
Speaker 1: you can score on it. Tag up that kind of thing.
Speaker 1: But it's our job to get on base or for
Speaker 1: people on base to you know, get singles or doubles rubbers,
Speaker 1: driv them in. So and I play left field, so
Speaker 1: I'm pretty good outfielder those two things. All right, get
Speaker 1: on base for the big boppers. Next up, we've got
Speaker 1: Mark Gagliar and hello, thanks for being here today. Hey James,
Speaker 1: it's good. It's good to see you. It's good to
Speaker 1: have you hosting. I'm glad that you decided on a
Speaker 1: particular order as a middle child. Uh, this is where
Speaker 1: I'm like, I feel most comfortable. I'm glad. I've got
Speaker 1: a question that I've personalized just for you appreciate. I
Speaker 1: was wondering, are you better at waking up super early
Speaker 1: and starting work at four am? Like you had to
Speaker 1: wake up before that, get ready and get to work
Speaker 1: at four am, four starting late and working until six am,
Speaker 1: at which point then you gotta go home. Every time
Speaker 1: I think that I'm going to start working late in
Speaker 1: the day and I'm like, I'm just gonna power through.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna start late, and I'm gonna do this I
Speaker 1: inevitably and in bed by ten thirty. So I'll start
Speaker 1: and I'll be like, Okay, I gotta get this work done.
Speaker 1: I'm starting late today, so we're gonna, we're gonna, we're
Speaker 1: gonna go into the night. And now I'm sleepy, good night,
Speaker 1: and I just stumble off to bed. Um. So I
Speaker 1: prefer I don't know whether I'm more productive in the morning. Also,
Speaker 1: I think living on the West Coast, I like to
Speaker 1: get up really early because otherwise sometimes I feel like
Speaker 1: I am three hours behind the rest of the country,
Speaker 1: especially when all of the live morning television uh is
Speaker 1: from the East Coast. If I turn on the news
Speaker 1: in the morning, well they're like, well it's lunchtime. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I've already lost half of my day. So I profess yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I look, I know I should just uh, I should
Speaker 1: just turn on the TV, hit pause for three hours,
Speaker 1: and then at exactly eleven oh one, be like, now
Speaker 1: they can start talking about lunch. Well, I've got one
Speaker 1: last alchemist to reduce, and I've this particular order puts
Speaker 1: Craig Kakowski in the final lineup. Craig, thanks for joining today. James,
Speaker 1: what a what a pleasure. It's so formal too. I
Speaker 1: think I've figured out your m O. It's reverse alphabetical
Speaker 1: by last name. Yeah, that's it. I didn't want to
Speaker 1: say thank you for finding an order and thank you
Speaker 1: for noticing how formal it is. I am regretting wearing
Speaker 1: a suit so hard. I love you, I look good,
Speaker 1: but it's a podcast, so well. I've got a question
Speaker 1: for you, Craig. When watching a magic show, are you
Speaker 1: bothered that it's just a trick and not magic or
Speaker 1: are you able to just let go of all that
Speaker 1: and enjoy the show? Oh? No, I enjoy I I
Speaker 1: know it's a trick, and I enjoy watching good magic.
Speaker 1: And I used to love that Pininteller Fooled Us show
Speaker 1: or fool Us or whatever it is, because I think
Speaker 1: even if you don't know the ins and outs of
Speaker 1: how magic works, and they always kind of dance around,
Speaker 1: you know, revealing how any trick is, but it's always like, uh,
Speaker 1: yeah you did a thing there, and uh we caught it,
Speaker 1: but it was very well done, you know. I like, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, people with craft in their area being able
Speaker 1: to kind of analyze and talk shop within that. So yeah, there,
Speaker 1: I mean, magicians lie to us. I know it's not
Speaker 1: real magic, but I'm blown away by it. I love it.
Speaker 1: And you notice that Craig's answer. It was great because
Speaker 1: me and Gigli already set the table for the big
Speaker 1: Bopper to come in and not get out of the park.
Speaker 1: Everybody's going home now, and you are totally on base here.
Speaker 1: All of today's scene suggestions come from listener emails, and
Speaker 1: if you want priority considered becoming a Patreon v I P.
Speaker 1: You'll also get exclusive content in bonus scenes to get
Speaker 1: ahead of all To get ahead of all of it,
Speaker 1: you've got to go to Patreon dot com, slash alchemy this,
Speaker 1: or if you'd like to suggest a scene the old
Speaker 1: timy way, you can shoot us an email at alchemy
Speaker 1: this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. Um, well, ship,
Speaker 1: let's get this started. This is scene number one and
Speaker 1: it's coming in from Beaker. I dove deep on the
Speaker 1: on the suggestion list, So this starts with Happy New Year, Gang.
Speaker 1: I've lately been bombarded with ads for certain condom brands
Speaker 1: in my Alchemy this episode downloads. Therefore, my scene suggestion
Speaker 1: this time is neighboring condom factories go to war. Thank
Speaker 1: You's hell all trades my Apple for uh for your dorritos?
Speaker 1: Why would I do that doritos are delicious and apples
Speaker 1: suck man. Nobody ever wants to treat My wife always
Speaker 1: gives me a healthy lunch and it's never what I want.
Speaker 1: And I know she thinks I need to be healthier.
Speaker 1: But ah, sorry, I don't mean to take on my
Speaker 1: frustrations on you. That's sorry. You know. Look, I'll do
Speaker 1: it this one time. These are cooler ranch, and it's
Speaker 1: just too much ranch for me. You sure dave cooler
Speaker 1: ranch like, it's fine, Rick, let's just do it. I
Speaker 1: couldn't help. But here, Uh, you thought cooler ranch had
Speaker 1: too much ranch? Yeah, I'm good a cooler ranch, But
Speaker 1: cooler ranch, that's just too much ranch. I don't believe
Speaker 1: in that. Look I brought. I got this little package
Speaker 1: here of ranch dust, just ranch dust in a box.
Speaker 1: I added too much cooler ranch. Andy. You can bring
Speaker 1: ranch dust to the factory. Hell, yeah I can. I
Speaker 1: can't get mayonnaise through because it's it's liquid, so I
Speaker 1: can't make ranch dip. But I can eat the hell
Speaker 1: out of this ranch powder. So you're gonna add it
Speaker 1: to the cooler ranch to make coolest ranch. I don't
Speaker 1: know if we're ready for that. Here, I don't know. Uh,
Speaker 1: it's worth a shot, though, I mean I haven't, honestly, like,
Speaker 1: I feel a little jarred right now. I haven't actually
Speaker 1: seen cooler ranch at the store. I would have just
Speaker 1: saved myself the effort of sneaking in stuff to eat.
Speaker 1: We'll sprinkle it on tops, see how it tastes. All right,
Speaker 1: all right, let's uh it's i'll be honest, a little
Speaker 1: more ranch than I expected. It's too coolest. It's too
Speaker 1: coolest ranch. You know, you got time to lunch, You
Speaker 1: got time to punch out some condoms. Okay, because uh,
Speaker 1: rub X across the streets they don't take much. Okay,
Speaker 1: so they're doubling our output. Yeah, but yeah, come on,
Speaker 1: Mr Tino. Everybody knows that they're they're real jerks over
Speaker 1: there at rub X. They worked too hard, man. Look,
Speaker 1: we're making exactly our quota. We're doing exactly what we're
Speaker 1: supposed to be doing. We get exactly our time for lunch. Look,
Speaker 1: I know that I've branded myself as Mr. Tino's Artisanal
Speaker 1: Condoms were smaller. We're smaller batch. You know, we put
Speaker 1: a lot more thought and effort into each individual prophylactic.
Speaker 1: But we still have a business to run, and we
Speaker 1: still got to get some condoms out there and stop
Speaker 1: some babies getting made. You know how hard of a
Speaker 1: mix it is to make these Mr Tino. I mean,
Speaker 1: they're ten percent latex hemp. It's really it's a tough
Speaker 1: thing to get right. We gotta take our time and
Speaker 1: plus all the sourcing that we gotta do for these,
Speaker 1: like that one factory in western Pennsylvania that we get
Speaker 1: all the hemp from that they've slowed down a little.
Speaker 1: It's tougher to get ingredients now. So we're just biding
Speaker 1: our time while we're waiting on the hemp truck to
Speaker 1: get here. Look, guys, you're making great points, uh, but
Speaker 1: I just know that we are producing a superior brand
Speaker 1: of condom. Okay, and those animals at rubb x uh
Speaker 1: and I you know they're just using pure rubber uh
Speaker 1: across the street, and uh, I don't like it. Well, Hey,
Speaker 1: employee five six three, did you did you get this
Speaker 1: flyer about unionizing? An employer five six one was handing out.
Speaker 1: I ripped it up as soon as I got it.
Speaker 1: I figured would be in big trouble if we were
Speaker 1: caught with it. Here here comes out here comes Jesus, Jesus,
Speaker 1: Jesus here, give it to me, Give it to me.
Speaker 1: I'll put it in a condom and then put it
Speaker 1: right in my secret pocket. Whoa, We don't get searched
Speaker 1: in your pocket? My my, my secret pocket. Do you
Speaker 1: do you mean? Do you mean you're you're at rectum? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's I thought that that was what the use of
Speaker 1: these condoms were. I mean, we don't get we don't
Speaker 1: get searched. I mean it's not far off considering what
Speaker 1: management of Rubex is trying to do over at corporate headquarters.
Speaker 1: But until now, they haven't really been searching our pockets.
Speaker 1: Do you think they're gonna start search want to get
Speaker 1: caught with the union paper work and lose my job.
Speaker 1: This is the most productive condom factory in town. I
Speaker 1: don't want to be at some tiny condom factory. Wait
Speaker 1: a minute, mom and pop shop. Yeah, look, I know
Speaker 1: we're the superior condom, but you eve. He worried that
Speaker 1: maybe maybe things would be better if we worked across
Speaker 1: the street. You want to make little condoms, they're not little,
Speaker 1: they just make fewer of them. What the condoms themselves? Look,
Speaker 1: I was, I was that's not what the advertising says.
Speaker 1: I want big condoms. You can't hide bunch in a
Speaker 1: little tiny condom. Do you know what? Are you only
Speaker 1: using condoms to hide things in your butt? What the
Speaker 1: it's it's it's a money maker. It's for hiding drugs,
Speaker 1: for smuggling. I mean, sure, you have sex with condoms,
Speaker 1: but not not all the time. When you smuggle drugs,
Speaker 1: you gotta have something to hide it. Him, I think
Speaker 1: I'm ready. You want to put a rubber on? I
Speaker 1: think I'm ready to do this? Are you sure? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think so. Okay, I brought a few different options. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: Uh okay, this is uh Mr Tino's small batch artisanal condoms.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, are those locally sourced? They are, they are
Speaker 1: locally sourced. That's the responsible condom to buy. Then they
Speaker 1: do k to great. Um, wow, this is really really small. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's gonna work for you a big guy. Um,
Speaker 1: well what about rub x um. They say that of
Speaker 1: them are used anally. Okay, I don't know if I'm
Speaker 1: ready for that. Well no, no, I'm not proposing that.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that's a big part of their ads.
Speaker 1: Vaginal ten percent other all right, well let's start with
Speaker 1: and then maybe um wait that is there something in
Speaker 1: that rubb X one? Yeah, what it's a note, it's
Speaker 1: a unionization fire. What is doing in there? I don't know,
Speaker 1: but they really folded it tight. It says that they've
Speaker 1: all been given numbers. This is horrible. Stewart, Stewart, what,
Speaker 1: Oh my god? What have I accidentally? I accidentally mixed
Speaker 1: up the note that I had hidden. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I put it in with the ones that were getting distributed.
Speaker 1: What I know, it's unprofessional, but sometimes it just when
Speaker 1: you're trying to make a quota and it's late in
Speaker 1: the day and you don't have the supplies. You you
Speaker 1: work what you got. I know, we the So this
Speaker 1: is what happens on our eleven and a half of
Speaker 1: a twelve hour shift. Maybe five six one is right,
Speaker 1: by the way, What did you put in your ass?
Speaker 1: Just an unlike a totally wrapped, pristine ready for packaging condom.
Speaker 1: It was. It was a lucy. It was a lucy.
Speaker 1: And then at the end of the day I needed
Speaker 1: to package so so I could I got crapped what
Speaker 1: was at hand in arm's reach, and I forgot to
Speaker 1: take the note doubt. You have time to walk. You
Speaker 1: have time to talk. Uh, sorry, you have time to talk.
Speaker 1: You have let me, I'm sorry, let me go to
Speaker 1: the charts. Oh gosh, what is it? Number one? Whatever
Speaker 1: it is, you're right, sir, you have you are talking,
Speaker 1: so you have time to talk. You have time to
Speaker 1: walk your ass over to the condom machine and produce
Speaker 1: small prophylactics, yes, sir, number one. So sorry, sir. Look, okay, look,
Speaker 1: I need you to get that union flyer back if
Speaker 1: you can, because that tells us where we can go
Speaker 1: and win if we're all gonna rally. We got a
Speaker 1: rally together. All right. Well, I'm kind of a I'm
Speaker 1: kind of a stickler about following where our condoms go.
Speaker 1: I feel each one is like a child of my own. Well,
Speaker 1: this is where it is I'm looking at and look
Speaker 1: all right somewhere okay, Oh my god, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to be able to go alone. Well I'll go with you,
Speaker 1: of course I will. It's not safe. You mean it's
Speaker 1: not safe where. Well, it's it's just not safe to
Speaker 1: intrude on somebody about what they're using condoms for. They're
Speaker 1: probably drug dealers. I'm sorry, it's three am. What is
Speaker 1: this regarding I was just about to try the well, okay, well,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you were drug dealing or it's
Speaker 1: not really my business. But I've noticed that you've got
Speaker 1: a shipment um with lot three fifty seven from Rubbacks,
Speaker 1: and uh, we need to to take back some of
Speaker 1: those condoms. I've got some replacement condoms for you here.
Speaker 1: It seems really strange. Um, honey, um uh these guys
Speaker 1: are here, they want to take the condoms back. Oh uh,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. We we we used the whole pack. Oh
Speaker 1: comment box, Stewart, what do I do you do? Know?
Speaker 1: What are you using my real name for? I'm five
Speaker 1: six five six three? Oh okay, okay, but I saw
Speaker 1: the unionization that you put in there. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: you did. I can't help but notice the comrade poster
Speaker 1: on your wall. Yeah, I'm I'm a communist. I mean,
Speaker 1: is that good for unions? Stu? I don't know. I
Speaker 1: don't know how unions work. I thought I thought that
Speaker 1: stop calling me an. I didn't call you by your
Speaker 1: real name. You don't have to be numbers here, guys.
Speaker 1: You're you're out of the factory. It's just it's taken
Speaker 1: over our lives. We don't know what to do. We
Speaker 1: we every waking moment, we're just constantly getting bombarded by
Speaker 1: Number one about getting more and more condoms out the door,
Speaker 1: and then we start making mistakes. And I don't know,
Speaker 1: I just think it's it would be important for us
Speaker 1: to to union. Could could? I'm sorry, would you guys
Speaker 1: have to come in? Um? Would you like something to
Speaker 1: drink or eat? Had some chips, some drinaus several different flavors,
Speaker 1: and we can put some clothes on too. I mean,
Speaker 1: if it makes you more comfortable. I was, I was
Speaker 1: just gonna bring it up. But it's your home. It's
Speaker 1: your home. It's your home, comrade. Oh, that feels weird,
Speaker 1: you say, it does feel weird to say, what a
Speaker 1: nice home. I know it's really pretty in here. What
Speaker 1: did you mean before when you said yeah, I was
Speaker 1: confused too, I oh me, Uh, that's well, you know
Speaker 1: there used vaginally ten percent other than anally, and we
Speaker 1: were about to you know, try. I mean, we're experience.
Speaker 1: I mean we're experimenting. Wow, what did you need to
Speaker 1: hide his penis? Oh my god? What? And that's the
Speaker 1: scene one. Scene number two is coming in from Kevin
Speaker 1: Prado Alcamaniac shot his right up to the top of
Speaker 1: the list. Uh, and it goes, uh, excuse me. Can
Speaker 1: I get some help over here? I think I've got
Speaker 1: a scene suggestion for you all, and nobody seems to
Speaker 1: be working around here. You know what, Let me speak
Speaker 1: to your manager, Macaroni. I think that was a call
Speaker 1: back to one of our scenes. I'm going to try
Speaker 1: something new here. The first line of the scene, if
Speaker 1: you're an is pardon me, do you have the time?
Speaker 1: Pardon me? You have the time? Yes? Um it's fifteen twelve. Ah,
Speaker 1: thank you. I knew this great grandfather Clark was off.
Speaker 1: I'm just crawl up inside here. Can't have the can't
Speaker 1: have the study looking not ship shape? Am I right?
Speaker 1: You are? Indeed you are, You're cracked. Indeed. M m hmm.
Speaker 1: Well hand me that tiny hand me that tiny screw
Speaker 1: driver over there on the on the settee. Will you
Speaker 1: James for Phillips head or just normal? No? No, no,
Speaker 1: James head, James, yes, James head, the Queen's head, the
Speaker 1: Queen's head right here, yes, and mist and I always
Speaker 1: have to talk my way through this. My father did
Speaker 1: that when I was a child, and back when this
Speaker 1: was just a grandfather clock, it became a great grandfather Clark.
Speaker 1: Now it's now it's a great grandfather clock. And I
Speaker 1: you know, I just every time I look at that
Speaker 1: portrait on the wall of him, every time I work
Speaker 1: with his clock, I just I miss him. I miss
Speaker 1: I miss his I miss his tweed, I miss his pipes,
Speaker 1: I miss his adventures. And Mrs Stack of maps, you
Speaker 1: know you don't have to miss him set what what
Speaker 1: what do you mean? Well? With this book here you
Speaker 1: can bring him back? Mr Penny? Are you saying that
Speaker 1: this book here is some sort of magical powers which
Speaker 1: I opened this book and my father will return. It's
Speaker 1: nice assimbly here to read some passages do do a thing?
Speaker 1: But yes, yes, in a nutshell, yes, what did you
Speaker 1: even get this book? Mr Penny? No? I got it
Speaker 1: from a book of Mystical arts shop, Yes, down on
Speaker 1: three Penny Street. My goodness, the cover is moving. That
Speaker 1: snake is moving on the cover is indeed, I'm just
Speaker 1: as to one knew that it comes with the price
Speaker 1: or something. I don't know. I didn't read that ahead.
Speaker 1: What does what does the stickers say? What is the
Speaker 1: price tag stickers say there it says forty four ninety
Speaker 1: five plus a curse. Oh well that's the price of
Speaker 1: Wait what what? What did I don't know? I didn't
Speaker 1: read that far ahead, Like I said, I just picked
Speaker 1: it out recently, just put it down, and you picked
Speaker 1: it up and did not notice that a curse was
Speaker 1: Was the curse also extracted from you upon the point
Speaker 1: of sale or is it something that you extract later?
Speaker 1: And I haven't used the book outs, I don't know
Speaker 1: if when the price will be paid? Just I'm assuming.
Speaker 1: I'm tearribly sorry. All sales are final. You're hoping to
Speaker 1: exchange the book? Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yes, something with
Speaker 1: without a curse? Oh well, I'm terribly sorry. It says
Speaker 1: clearly on the price tag for plus occurs. So were
Speaker 1: I to take the book back, I'd also be taking
Speaker 1: the curse back. Yes, could could exchange it? Then? Could
Speaker 1: could there be an exchange for perhaps a book that
Speaker 1: that had a price and then perhaps I don't know,
Speaker 1: a minor penalty but not a full case. Well, I
Speaker 1: suppose it could be a book of a higher cost
Speaker 1: to offset the difference between a minor penalty and a curse.
Speaker 1: But that it's a pity large gap between those two. Right, Well,
Speaker 1: what kind of gap are we talking about here? No,
Speaker 1: I'd say at least a two hundred pound gap. I
Speaker 1: we'll be taking my book back and saying good day, sir. Well,
Speaker 1: I say good day to you, sir, I said, it's
Speaker 1: first good day to you. Well, I was in kind
Speaker 1: with good day, good day. Then excuse me, sorry, I
Speaker 1: had purchased a book at US not more than four
Speaker 1: or five days ago, and my ears fell off. First,
Speaker 1: my nose seems to be wiggling. I want to return it.
Speaker 1: I want to return I'm sorry, sir sales. So final
Speaker 1: did you happen to purchase a book with a curse?
Speaker 1: He was? He was a holler and I didn't eine
Speaker 1: plush terrible life threatening cursefully, I mean again, our stickers
Speaker 1: are incredibly explicit in terms of what you're getting. Uh
Speaker 1: and uh, I mean are you disappointed? I mean your
Speaker 1: your ear fell off? I mean, does that not constitute
Speaker 1: he was a gift for someone else, said, I didn't
Speaker 1: realize the curse is gonna go to me. Hey, I
Speaker 1: finished that book that you got for me. That was
Speaker 1: so so sweet of you. Oh really, anything weird happening
Speaker 1: to you. No, I don't know why you finished the
Speaker 1: whole book. I finished. I finished the whole book. I
Speaker 1: read the whole thing cover to cover. I think, you know,
Speaker 1: I always thought that this is gonna sound silly, But
Speaker 1: ever since I got you know, the promotion above you,
Speaker 1: I thought that maybe you didn't like me. I thought
Speaker 1: maybe you would try to sabotage me somehow. But you
Speaker 1: show up with it. You don't feel like a fever
Speaker 1: coming on. No, not at all. It's I thought it
Speaker 1: was really sweet, and I have to say, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: what did you spin out one of your teeth? No,
Speaker 1: that one was loose, that one was already Oh what
Speaker 1: about that one? I gotta I gotta go, I gotta go.
Speaker 1: Oh my, Well, thank you for the book. I'm glad
Speaker 1: we're not enemy, but you have to return the book.
Speaker 1: But it wasn't the stake I thought. I thought that.
Speaker 1: I said that the curse was gonna go with the book.
Speaker 1: Well did you purchase a did you get a gift
Speaker 1: receipt along with it? M hmm, I see. Well, when
Speaker 1: you get a gift receipt, then you can deliver the
Speaker 1: gift receipt and the curse onto the recipient. Is it
Speaker 1: too late to get a gift receipt? I'm afraid it is. Oh,
Speaker 1: excuse me, I'd like to return this book please. Ah,
Speaker 1: this is my day, This is my day, every day.
Speaker 1: Isn't it just just doing returns? Yes? What? What? What? What?
Speaker 1: May I ask? Is your concern ready player too? Oh? Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes it did? It sucked, didn't it? Yeah, it really did.
Speaker 1: I did read the entire things some some reason, and
Speaker 1: then I always told that that was the curse, reading
Speaker 1: the whole book. So I feel like I can return
Speaker 1: it now? Yes? Yes? Uh? And how much did you
Speaker 1: pay for it? I paid fourteen cents a rip off
Speaker 1: if you asked me. I'm happy to give you a
Speaker 1: money back, but please keep the book as well. I
Speaker 1: don't want the book back, but I'm terribly sorry for
Speaker 1: you for your inconvenience. And here's your fourteen pence thank you.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, hi, I'm I am so sorry this book.
Speaker 1: What a cute little shop you have here? Well, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you. This is just you've what now we've been
Speaker 1: in business for three years. Wow, that's older than my
Speaker 1: whole country is you know? I have a toddler and
Speaker 1: I would love to get him a book. There's one.
Speaker 1: It's called The Monster at the End of this book.
Speaker 1: Have you ever heard of it? It's got lovable fury
Speaker 1: Old Grover in it. Do you have a copy of
Speaker 1: that book? Yes, Grover is the monster at the end
Speaker 1: of the book. Uh, much to his own consternation. If
Speaker 1: I wow, do you do this about? Do you just
Speaker 1: give away the ending of every book? Is that? I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you didn't know that Grover is the monster at
Speaker 1: the end of the book. I just heard it was
Speaker 1: a good book. I was getting it for my toddler. Well, well,
Speaker 1: now I gotta get a different book. What do you recommend? No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you know what I'll get. I'll get The Hungry Caterpillar here.
Speaker 1: You want to tell me how that ends. What happens
Speaker 1: is the caterpillar eat his eat, eating too much, and
Speaker 1: and go sleep. I'm guessing that that's perfect because I
Speaker 1: don't I don't know that one specifically, But I do
Speaker 1: have a first edition signed copy of The Monster at
Speaker 1: the End of this book, signed by Grover, signed by Grover. Yes,
Speaker 1: and it's it also it comes with a with a curse.
Speaker 1: Great that sounds that sounds quaint English. All right, just
Speaker 1: in case my kid doesn't like it, though, Can I
Speaker 1: get a gift receipt with that? Okay? I see, sir,
Speaker 1: your father has returned. He has appeared from the book.
Speaker 1: Is in the study? Yes, yes, he has returned. My god,
Speaker 1: Mr Penny, My I haven't seen my father since since
Speaker 1: the untimely accident. What I don't even know what? My
Speaker 1: god from a book? Now, he's very confused, very confused.
Speaker 1: Died for him? No time has passed, he is dying?
Speaker 1: Is going on here? Father? Father? It's me, father, your
Speaker 1: your son? Never? Yes? Yes, Father Neville, it's me. What
Speaker 1: what embraces you've You've been brought back? Father? Be a
Speaker 1: very special book. Last thing I remember was I got
Speaker 1: about a roller coaster? Yes, father, If you'll here read
Speaker 1: this newspaper article, it'll tell you what happened. Man decapitated
Speaker 1: on roller coaster. The headline really just says everything you
Speaker 1: need to nurse. I'm sorry I didn't need for it
Speaker 1: to give away headline. Very good, sir, very good. Don't
Speaker 1: stop encouraging my father. Oh, my god, Mr Penny, Mr Penny,
Speaker 1: What do we do now? Is this an apparition of him?
Speaker 1: Or is this really him back from the dead head intact,
Speaker 1: it's ready him. I mean, I don't know what fathers
Speaker 1: and sons dupil throw a ball around or something. I
Speaker 1: don't know real bond father, Shall we throw a ball
Speaker 1: around or bond in some way a ball boy? No,
Speaker 1: it's a terrible idea, so a terrible idea. I'll just
Speaker 1: continue fixing the clock as I've always done. Yes, Yes,
Speaker 1: it's your job to turn that great grandfather clock into
Speaker 1: a great great grandfather clock. Father. You know I can't
Speaker 1: have children. Well if you take that condom off your willie, perhaps, father,
Speaker 1: this is a this is a Mr Tino's arteasonal condom. Father, Yes,
Speaker 1: but you don't have to wear a twitter poor seven boy.
Speaker 1: But it's our Teasonal, it's hemp all right. Well ah oh,
Speaker 1: I feel my head is coming. Oh dear God, dear God,
Speaker 1: I'm carrying it around. Mr Penny, my father is headless.
Speaker 1: Please you must get the refund on this book. I try.
Speaker 1: There's no rivers. I tried to do it. It was
Speaker 1: two hundred pounds more of us to do it. Where
Speaker 1: did you get the book? At a three year old
Speaker 1: book shop? At John Chumbley's. Everyone knows they don't do
Speaker 1: returns and Seen. All right, so we've got one final
Speaker 1: scene for the day. It's Seen three and it's coming
Speaker 1: from Danny in Saskatchewan. Hello, alchemists coming in with another suggestion.
Speaker 1: This one's for the world's most famous mustache. Uh James
Speaker 1: Eeney famous. That's that's all you are. It's like then,
Speaker 1: magnum p I. It goes in that order an think
Speaker 1: nice hash brown World of Championship from Danny and Saskatchewan.
Speaker 1: Order up. Excuse me, yeah, I'm looking for the chef
Speaker 1: it has created these hash browns here on my plate.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's Al. Hey, Al, somebody wants to talk
Speaker 1: to you about your hash browns. Okay, you must be
Speaker 1: al like to shake your hand. I am a judge
Speaker 1: for the World Championship hash Browns. Okay, have you competed? No?
Speaker 1: I just cook here. You just cook here in this
Speaker 1: small town. Yeah, that's all I do, just a cook here. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna write down on this golden ticket right here,
Speaker 1: this hash brown golden ticket. One admission to the two
Speaker 1: World Championship hash brown Off. And this should be a
Speaker 1: big deal to me because why excuse me, you're not
Speaker 1: even familiar with the championship. No, like I said, I
Speaker 1: just cook here. It's small town, you know, I just
Speaker 1: make hash browns, eggs over medium, over easy, whatever. You know.
Speaker 1: I'm not talking eggs here. I'm talking hash browns. And
Speaker 1: you made the patties yourself. Gotta to stick together and
Speaker 1: just that form. Yeah, I did. I think you should compete? Yeah, alright, man,
Speaker 1: got not. I'm better to do. Kevin, Kevin, it's time
Speaker 1: for bed. Put your potatoes away, Honey, your potatoes away,
Speaker 1: Get out of the kitchen, get into the bed. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get into the championships one day, Mom, Kevin, I
Speaker 1: know you are Kevin. I know you are, honey, and
Speaker 1: one day you will. One day you will be the
Speaker 1: greatest hash brown chef of all time. But right now,
Speaker 1: you've got school in the morning. It's midnight. I'd be
Speaker 1: a bad parent if I tried, if I let you
Speaker 1: stay up with so much later, What am I ever
Speaker 1: gonna use any of that stuff and cooking hash browns, Kevin,
Speaker 1: You're going to use all of the things you learn
Speaker 1: in school. Everything you learn in school is to make
Speaker 1: your mind brighter and stronger and more expansive and more
Speaker 1: compassionate and that you're going to use in life. Not
Speaker 1: everything is about hashbrown. God damn it. Are you still awake, Kevin, Honey,
Speaker 1: it's okay, it's I'm talking to him. No said, I
Speaker 1: want all potatoes out of the house. I don't want
Speaker 1: another goddamn hash brown cooked in this house. Dad, Dad,
Speaker 1: you gotta taste these. I don't want to taste him.
Speaker 1: You're obsessed with it. You know what, You're never gonna
Speaker 1: be a hash brown and hair or whatever you want
Speaker 1: to call it. Well, you gotta quit those dreams. I'll
Speaker 1: show you, old man. I'm gonna become the greatest hashbrown
Speaker 1: schof the world has ever known. Kevin, where are you going?
Speaker 1: Where are you going? Where you Where? Did you even
Speaker 1: get a bendle? Kevin? Where are you going? I've got
Speaker 1: a bendle full of potatoes and I'm hitting the road. Well,
Speaker 1: don't come back crying. What do you can't buy a
Speaker 1: place to sleep? Kevin? Let him good to me, Let
Speaker 1: him go. He's nine, I'm not going to just and
Speaker 1: there he goes. He's out the door. I hope you're happy.
Speaker 1: Lock the door, Lock the door, Brenda, locked the door.
Speaker 1: Thanks for the ride. Mister, Hey, no problem. Um, you
Speaker 1: don't happen to know where the two hashburn World Championships
Speaker 1: are being held, do you do? I look at your window, kid,
Speaker 1: What that's right just over the edge, over the big gate.
Speaker 1: Oh well, I got you. I got your car ten
Speaker 1: minutes ago. You were so close. This whole time, you
Speaker 1: didn't know. No, I had no I did my parents
Speaker 1: uh prevent me from learning anything about it. Oh well,
Speaker 1: you just gotta go to those big gates over there.
Speaker 1: You gotta show me a mission ticket and then you
Speaker 1: get right in a mission ticket. Oh how do you
Speaker 1: get one of those? Well, you gotta get scouted kids.
Speaker 1: Oh man, I I've been making world class hash Browns
Speaker 1: in my home kitchen for the last six months, but
Speaker 1: no scouts have shown up. That's a real bumm or
Speaker 1: no scout, no admission? Hey, mr, would you would you
Speaker 1: mind tasting some of these? They're they're kind of room
Speaker 1: temperature now, but I coot them not too long ago.
Speaker 1: Get me all right? I don't see what the point
Speaker 1: isn't it. Oh wow, he's a fantastic Are they too salty?
Speaker 1: Not salty enough? These are world class competition hash Brown's kid,
Speaker 1: it's a shame you didn't get scouted or or did
Speaker 1: you get scouted? Or did you get scouted? Son? You
Speaker 1: just change your voice. That's right, because I John Hormel,
Speaker 1: d John Hormel. That's right. I oversee the competition and youth,
Speaker 1: Son have earned an admission ticket here you are. Wow,
Speaker 1: you're scouting me all along when you pull up right
Speaker 1: side of my house just as I was saying goodbye
Speaker 1: to my parents forever Well, whether I like it or not,
Speaker 1: your last year's champions show why I you're owed an
Speaker 1: invitation to this year's championship. So I formally invite you
Speaker 1: to the World Championship two hash brown competition formally accept?
Speaker 1: Are you sure you have to accept? I mean, come on,
Speaker 1: give somebody else a chance to win. For a chance,
Speaker 1: no one else. You'll have a chance against Jacques Browns.
Speaker 1: Jacques Browns as the Well's best Browns. Would't I defy
Speaker 1: anyone to come and try Jacques Browns and not think
Speaker 1: they's the best in the hole. Who is going to
Speaker 1: come after me this year? Are you bringing me? Is
Speaker 1: Jean Hermel going to bring me more challenges that I
Speaker 1: shall knock off the UNIPEDISTALSI? Is that? What shall happen.
Speaker 1: It sounds like you're using Mr Hormel's name in a
Speaker 1: very snarky fashioned You should be warned. Mr. He's a
Speaker 1: very prominent and in the hash brown community. Mr Hommel
Speaker 1: is not is not suited to scatter, smother or cover
Speaker 1: my hash browns. I do that. I make the hash browns.
Speaker 1: I am the star of this contest, and I shall
Speaker 1: emerge victorious. Now excuse me. I shall remain in my
Speaker 1: sedan until the thing begins. Door slam. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the twenty twenty to Hash Brown Competition World Championships. I'm
Speaker 1: the ghost of Howard Coast Cell, brought back from a
Speaker 1: book that was non returnable. I'm here next to my
Speaker 1: color guy, Tony Romo. Tony. A lot of great competition
Speaker 1: this year. We've got Jack Brown the early on favorite.
Speaker 1: What do you think, all right, Howard? I can't wait
Speaker 1: to eat these hashbrowns. Uh? I heard that. You know,
Speaker 1: to make it standard, theyre going with Idaho russet for
Speaker 1: everyone across the board. You know, it's a nice moist
Speaker 1: potato should hold up with the binding agents. Uh, you know,
Speaker 1: egg or whatever people are using to hold those hash
Speaker 1: browns together. Because you need that moisture. That's right, downy,
Speaker 1: you need the moisture. We've got quite a wonderful crap
Speaker 1: competitors this season. There's a young kid and upstart, as
Speaker 1: you'd say. I believe his name is let me look
Speaker 1: at my notes here, Kevin. Is that right? Kevin? That's
Speaker 1: a good standard name for a nine year old kid,
Speaker 1: Howard And uh, I think you know, he might be
Speaker 1: a little over his head, but he's definitely someone to
Speaker 1: wash for the future. Uh. And I did say wash
Speaker 1: for the future because he stinks he's been on the
Speaker 1: road for a while. All Right, Kevin, I don't know
Speaker 1: if I'm really supposed to let use sharp knives. How
Speaker 1: much experience do you have with sharp knives? Well, I
Speaker 1: usually use a mandolin at home. Mandolin. That's a music instrument, right, Uh,
Speaker 1: my crazy, because I have I'm just a host of
Speaker 1: these things. I've never used a mandolin. Oh, well, you
Speaker 1: really should do some more research if you're gonna host
Speaker 1: the host Proud Championship. A mandolin is a standard kitchen
Speaker 1: slicing tool, Okay, is it the one that looks like
Speaker 1: it could cut eggs and like nice slices with the
Speaker 1: guitar strings. Yeah, that's the one, alright, alright, that makes sense.
Speaker 1: And they call it a mandolin I think, so, Kevin,
Speaker 1: did they name it after the mandolin instrument or did
Speaker 1: the mandolin instrument get its name from this tool? Jeez,
Speaker 1: I don't know. They never covered that in school, sir. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, so you're safe around the mandolin, yeah, I
Speaker 1: I think so. I mean, the sharper the better. Look.
Speaker 1: I'm just happy to be here. I mean, I don't
Speaker 1: have any chance against Shock. Somebody's gotta beat him. I'd
Speaker 1: feel like it might just be what we need is somebody,
Speaker 1: somebody with your kind of face, you know, a young
Speaker 1: kid that the judges can be awed by. I don't know,
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't speak for the judges, but I
Speaker 1: think it's more impressive to see a kid your age,
Speaker 1: how old you nine? Nine? They'll be ten in December,
Speaker 1: ten in December. To see a kid ten in December
Speaker 1: make a hashbrown that even could compete with Jook, Well,
Speaker 1: I I thought you'd have more journalistic impartiality. But it's
Speaker 1: good to know that you're in my corner, sir. Excuse me,
Speaker 1: is my booth around in someplace? I don't know, where
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to go. Oh my gosh, what what? What
Speaker 1: is it? Carl? Yeah, that's it, Carl, you look like
Speaker 1: a Carlu. That's a cure name for a grizzled old
Speaker 1: short order cook. It's a standing name for a short
Speaker 1: order cook. Yeah, it's a good one. Is this a Mandlin?
Speaker 1: What the history of a Mandlin? Come on, Carl, you
Speaker 1: know what the history is, right. I'm just I just
Speaker 1: cook eggs over medium, over whatever in this small town.
Speaker 1: I don't know what the stuff is. Listen, Carl, I
Speaker 1: want you. You're gonna be in this booth right next
Speaker 1: to Kevin, and I want either one of you to win.
Speaker 1: I just as a journalist with integrity, cannot watch this
Speaker 1: the previous championship of the last five years win again
Speaker 1: again again. Don't accuse me, excuse me. I believe that
Speaker 1: Dan just drove right through the wall. Someone is sitting
Speaker 1: in my booth. I'm sorry, Jacques. We have changed where
Speaker 1: your booth is located this year. You're going to be
Speaker 1: in the corner over there. Well, fine, Zen, you will
Speaker 1: be okay with me driving there? Excuse me. I would
Speaker 1: prefer excuse me, excuse me, Jacque coming Slough, Well, chambiond
Speaker 1: Ash Browns to drive that far, it's like two boots over.
Speaker 1: I blave it past my booth and let miss squattriverse
Speaker 1: and now I am I want to be so you
Speaker 1: can see why I want this loser to lose? Right?
Speaker 1: How can this loser keep winning? Jacques? What a great
Speaker 1: name for a Frenchman. No, it's not good. It's cliche
Speaker 1: at best. Alright, judges, Um, we got three plates in
Speaker 1: front of us. Which do you want to start with? First?
Speaker 1: Which one did the did the kid do? Blind? It's blink?
Speaker 1: Come on, Marty, you know this alright. What you can't
Speaker 1: decide who you want to win and then just pick there.
Speaker 1: It would be cool though, if it was the kid.
Speaker 1: I mean, yes, of course it would be cool. If
Speaker 1: it was it would be pretty cool. But well, I
Speaker 1: don't we start with the middle one here? And I
Speaker 1: really thought there'd be more than three competitors in the
Speaker 1: championship this year. But let's start with this one here. Well,
Speaker 1: it takes a lot to get to us, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. They must have been vetted by the
Speaker 1: scouts by the time they get to us. So let's
Speaker 1: take a little all right, Well, this one seems to
Speaker 1: have been kind of uh fried into one of those
Speaker 1: patty shapes. I do like a patty, I do like
Speaker 1: I do like a patty. This one has a little
Speaker 1: more scattered to it. And I was I accepted a bribe,
Speaker 1: and I'm supposed to vote for the kids hash brown,
Speaker 1: but I don't really know which one it is. Wait,
Speaker 1: you really shouldn't tell us that, Evelyn. I assumed everyone
Speaker 1: got a bribe? Was I the only one? Even? We
Speaker 1: ever win with just one person? Take? Oh, you guys
Speaker 1: are keeping it secret. That's fine, that's fine, Evelyn? Are you?
Speaker 1: Did you take a bribe? Or you are you? I
Speaker 1: thought we were. I thought we're all judges, right, we
Speaker 1: can be honest with each other. Yeah, I took a bribe.
Speaker 1: You didn't get a bribe? No, no, none of none
Speaker 1: of us, None of us got bribes. Even Yeah I
Speaker 1: didn't get a bride either. Stop see the winking, Evelyn.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter. Do you think that
Speaker 1: this one with the French fries I'll put together? Do
Speaker 1: you think that's the kid? I mean, it did seem
Speaker 1: odd that it was mostly a pile of French FRIESE
Speaker 1: it's French fries that have been assembled into somewhat of
Speaker 1: a hash brown shape made into a lattice. It feels
Speaker 1: like this, This feels like this might have been the
Speaker 1: raft project from third grade turned into hash brown form.
Speaker 1: But Evelyn, we're not We're supposed to be picking the
Speaker 1: best one, not the one we think is from the kid.
Speaker 1: So we have I'm just picking the best farm. Look,
Speaker 1: we have Patty hash Brown, we have Scrambly hash Brown,
Speaker 1: and we have French fry based hash brown with an
Speaker 1: action figure on top. There's no way for us to
Speaker 1: know which one was made by the kids, so we
Speaker 1: just have to judge them on their merits. Am I
Speaker 1: alone in saying that? I really thought that the quality
Speaker 1: of hash browns would be much higher this year at
Speaker 1: the finals. I mean this is an international competition. Well,
Speaker 1: at least the French fry one with the action figure
Speaker 1: also has a good, uh good dollop of ketchup on
Speaker 1: the side like that. I do like an accompaniment. I
Speaker 1: do like an accompany with this blood. Oh this is blood.
Speaker 1: Oh goodness, it's like somebody sliced the ship out of
Speaker 1: their hand on a mandolin. Oh. All we gotta do
Speaker 1: is figure out which one if these uh hash brown
Speaker 1: ears is missing a finger or as a wound, we'll
Speaker 1: find Evelyn. Then you're the one that is so intent
Speaker 1: on finding out which one was the kids, then you
Speaker 1: go figure it out. Come back to us and let
Speaker 1: us know. I Mom, dad, Oh my god, you're home.
Speaker 1: Oh god, our babies back. Oh yeah, a finger you lost?
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Yeah, I found out I'm not that
Speaker 1: great at making hash browns either. Well I could have
Speaker 1: told you that. You didn't need to lose a finger
Speaker 1: to find out you aren't good at hash browns. I
Speaker 1: can't eat plastic toys. We were supposed to be encouraging him.
Speaker 1: I did, though. Oh that's wonderful, honey. Third congratulations. You
Speaker 1: know what the Olympics people give get third place trophies too,
Speaker 1: in their whole communities, celebrate them. I mean there were
Speaker 1: only three competitors. Goddamn it, honey, third place bronze. That's
Speaker 1: the biggest loser. What do you want me to say.
Speaker 1: I'm just glad you're home. Come here and hug me. Oh,
Speaker 1: it's just getting that is still actively bleeding. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: bleeding pretty bad, honey, coming and that's our show. Gosh,
Speaker 1: it has been a hell of a lot of fun.
Speaker 1: Let's thank our alchemists and see what they're up too. Cool,
Speaker 1: what are you up to? I just killed a giant
Speaker 1: spider that was on the wall. Other than that, uh,
Speaker 1: and our Patriot members got the exciting video of it.
Speaker 1: Maybe like I gotta go take care of this right now.
Speaker 1: It was like so weird. There was a weird look
Speaker 1: on your face. I didn't know it was fear, and
Speaker 1: maybe it wasn't always a fear, but I think it
Speaker 1: was like a brown recluse, like it's not a nice fighter.
Speaker 1: So I was like, I think instead of like just
Speaker 1: sitting here and finishing the scene up, I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: take care of this herefore it goes after my cats anyhow. Uh,
Speaker 1: just doing a lot of comedy at the Westside Comedy Theater,
Speaker 1: pretty pretty pony first Thursday of the month and uh
Speaker 1: SF Sketch Fest coming back in January very likely the
Speaker 1: greatest and oh at Stratton Coole or at Cold Stratton
Speaker 1: on socials, thank you nice and Mark? What's going on
Speaker 1: in in Gagli already Land? Well, Gaggli already Land. We
Speaker 1: just opened a new ride, uh and there is a
Speaker 1: lightning lane for it. Um and Gaggli already land Uh
Speaker 1: we got this with Mark and how dropping every every
Speaker 1: week on the Maximum Fun Network. Uh. If you are
Speaker 1: local to Los Angeles in Pasadena, the first Thursday of
Speaker 1: every month is what you will a Shakespearean un play
Speaker 1: at Lineage Performing Arts Center. And also Blood and Treasure
Speaker 1: season two coming out July. So I saw that season
Speaker 1: one box set man art on the cover of that
Speaker 1: is so freaking cool. Finally back on Blu ray Baby, Yeah,
Speaker 1: ten a, DP, Nice and Kaikowski. What's going on before
Speaker 1: we wrap this one out? Man? That episode really made
Speaker 1: me hungry for hash Browns or I would even take
Speaker 1: home fries. Home fries are fine with me as well.
Speaker 1: I like them both. I think I'm at a guy
Speaker 1: Co commercial. Uh, I mean I know that I shot one.
Speaker 1: I hope it will air at some point in the
Speaker 1: next couple of months, but be able to look out
Speaker 1: for that. I alright. Well, thanks to our engineer and
Speaker 1: producer to the stars, Mr Doug Bam and the fine
Speaker 1: folks at I Heart Media. I'm your guest host and
Speaker 1: James Heeney and I thank you for listening, and until
Speaker 1: next time,