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Speaker 1: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Alchemy This.

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Speaker 1: I'm your guest host, James Heeney. I'm sitting in for

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Speaker 1: Kevin Pollock today. Let's meet our alchemists in particular order. Cool,

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Alchemy This. How are you today? Great? Thank

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Speaker 1: you for picking me first. Um, I mean this particular

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Speaker 1: order thing is fantastic. I really love it, so thank you.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. Great. I've got a question for you.

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Speaker 1: It's personalized just for this experience. What is the biggest

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Speaker 1: asset that you bring to a softball team? Oh? Uh, well,

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Speaker 1: I bat leadoff most of the time and I hit

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Speaker 1: opposite field most of the time too, So I get

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Speaker 1: on base. That's what I do. I'm fascinating it on

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Speaker 1: base Now, is that the most important part of being

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Speaker 1: Like you think that that? Like, if you don't get

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Speaker 1: on base, what are you doing on a baseball team?

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Speaker 1: Or is there other things that are important? Everybody has

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Speaker 1: different roles, you know, Like the leadoff guys are just

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Speaker 1: supposed to get onto. Then the big boppers come up

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Speaker 1: and hit a deep flyball, so even if it gets caught,

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Speaker 1: you can score on it. Tag up that kind of thing.

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Speaker 1: But it's our job to get on base or for

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Speaker 1: people on base to you know, get singles or doubles rubbers,

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Speaker 1: driv them in. So and I play left field, so

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Speaker 1: I'm pretty good outfielder those two things. All right, get

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Speaker 1: on base for the big boppers. Next up, we've got

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Speaker 1: Mark Gagliar and hello, thanks for being here today. Hey James,

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Speaker 1: it's good. It's good to see you. It's good to

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Speaker 1: have you hosting. I'm glad that you decided on a

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Speaker 1: particular order as a middle child. Uh, this is where

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I feel most comfortable. I'm glad. I've got

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Speaker 1: a question that I've personalized just for you appreciate. I

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Speaker 1: was wondering, are you better at waking up super early

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Speaker 1: and starting work at four am? Like you had to

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Speaker 1: wake up before that, get ready and get to work

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Speaker 1: at four am, four starting late and working until six am,

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Speaker 1: at which point then you gotta go home. Every time

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Speaker 1: I think that I'm going to start working late in

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Speaker 1: the day and I'm like, I'm just gonna power through.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna start late, and I'm gonna do this I

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Speaker 1: inevitably and in bed by ten thirty. So I'll start

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Speaker 1: and I'll be like, Okay, I gotta get this work done.

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Speaker 1: I'm starting late today, so we're gonna, we're gonna, we're

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Speaker 1: gonna go into the night. And now I'm sleepy, good night,

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Speaker 1: and I just stumble off to bed. Um. So I

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Speaker 1: prefer I don't know whether I'm more productive in the morning. Also,

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Speaker 1: I think living on the West Coast, I like to

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Speaker 1: get up really early because otherwise sometimes I feel like

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Speaker 1: I am three hours behind the rest of the country,

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Speaker 1: especially when all of the live morning television uh is

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Speaker 1: from the East Coast. If I turn on the news

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Speaker 1: in the morning, well they're like, well it's lunchtime. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I've already lost half of my day. So I profess yourself. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I look, I know I should just uh, I should

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Speaker 1: just turn on the TV, hit pause for three hours,

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Speaker 1: and then at exactly eleven oh one, be like, now

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Speaker 1: they can start talking about lunch. Well, I've got one

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Speaker 1: last alchemist to reduce, and I've this particular order puts

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Speaker 1: Craig Kakowski in the final lineup. Craig, thanks for joining today. James,

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Speaker 1: what a what a pleasure. It's so formal too. I

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Speaker 1: think I've figured out your m O. It's reverse alphabetical

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Speaker 1: by last name. Yeah, that's it. I didn't want to

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Speaker 1: say thank you for finding an order and thank you

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Speaker 1: for noticing how formal it is. I am regretting wearing

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Speaker 1: a suit so hard. I love you, I look good,

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Speaker 1: but it's a podcast, so well. I've got a question

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Speaker 1: for you, Craig. When watching a magic show, are you

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Speaker 1: bothered that it's just a trick and not magic or

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Speaker 1: are you able to just let go of all that

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Speaker 1: and enjoy the show? Oh? No, I enjoy I I

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Speaker 1: know it's a trick, and I enjoy watching good magic.

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Speaker 1: And I used to love that Pininteller Fooled Us show

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Speaker 1: or fool Us or whatever it is, because I think

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Speaker 1: even if you don't know the ins and outs of

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Speaker 1: how magic works, and they always kind of dance around,

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Speaker 1: you know, revealing how any trick is, but it's always like, uh,

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Speaker 1: yeah you did a thing there, and uh we caught it,

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Speaker 1: but it was very well done, you know. I like, uh,

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Speaker 1: you know, people with craft in their area being able

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Speaker 1: to kind of analyze and talk shop within that. So yeah, there,

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Speaker 1: I mean, magicians lie to us. I know it's not

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Speaker 1: real magic, but I'm blown away by it. I love it.

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Speaker 1: And you notice that Craig's answer. It was great because

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Speaker 1: me and Gigli already set the table for the big

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Speaker 1: Bopper to come in and not get out of the park.

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Speaker 1: Everybody's going home now, and you are totally on base here.

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Speaker 1: All of today's scene suggestions come from listener emails, and

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Speaker 1: if you want priority considered becoming a Patreon v I P.

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Speaker 1: You'll also get exclusive content in bonus scenes to get

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Speaker 1: ahead of all To get ahead of all of it,

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Speaker 1: you've got to go to Patreon dot com, slash alchemy this,

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Speaker 1: or if you'd like to suggest a scene the old

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Speaker 1: timy way, you can shoot us an email at alchemy

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Speaker 1: this email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. Um, well, ship,

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Speaker 1: let's get this started. This is scene number one and

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Speaker 1: it's coming in from Beaker. I dove deep on the

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Speaker 1: on the suggestion list, So this starts with Happy New Year, Gang.

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Speaker 1: I've lately been bombarded with ads for certain condom brands

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Speaker 1: in my Alchemy this episode downloads. Therefore, my scene suggestion

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Speaker 1: this time is neighboring condom factories go to war. Thank

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Speaker 1: You's hell all trades my Apple for uh for your dorritos?

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Speaker 1: Why would I do that doritos are delicious and apples

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Speaker 1: suck man. Nobody ever wants to treat My wife always

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Speaker 1: gives me a healthy lunch and it's never what I want.

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Speaker 1: And I know she thinks I need to be healthier.

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Speaker 1: But ah, sorry, I don't mean to take on my

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Speaker 1: frustrations on you. That's sorry. You know. Look, I'll do

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Speaker 1: it this one time. These are cooler ranch, and it's

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Speaker 1: just too much ranch for me. You sure dave cooler

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Speaker 1: ranch like, it's fine, Rick, let's just do it. I

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Speaker 1: couldn't help. But here, Uh, you thought cooler ranch had

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Speaker 1: too much ranch? Yeah, I'm good a cooler ranch, But

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Speaker 1: cooler ranch, that's just too much ranch. I don't believe

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Speaker 1: in that. Look I brought. I got this little package

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Speaker 1: here of ranch dust, just ranch dust in a box.

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Speaker 1: I added too much cooler ranch. Andy. You can bring

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Speaker 1: ranch dust to the factory. Hell, yeah I can. I

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Speaker 1: can't get mayonnaise through because it's it's liquid, so I

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Speaker 1: can't make ranch dip. But I can eat the hell

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Speaker 1: out of this ranch powder. So you're gonna add it

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Speaker 1: to the cooler ranch to make coolest ranch. I don't

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Speaker 1: know if we're ready for that. Here, I don't know. Uh,

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Speaker 1: it's worth a shot, though, I mean I haven't, honestly, like,

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Speaker 1: I feel a little jarred right now. I haven't actually

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Speaker 1: seen cooler ranch at the store. I would have just

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Speaker 1: saved myself the effort of sneaking in stuff to eat.

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Speaker 1: We'll sprinkle it on tops, see how it tastes. All right,

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Speaker 1: all right, let's uh it's i'll be honest, a little

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Speaker 1: more ranch than I expected. It's too coolest. It's too

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Speaker 1: coolest ranch. You know, you got time to lunch, You

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Speaker 1: got time to punch out some condoms. Okay, because uh,

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Speaker 1: rub X across the streets they don't take much. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so they're doubling our output. Yeah, but yeah, come on,

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Speaker 1: Mr Tino. Everybody knows that they're they're real jerks over

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Speaker 1: there at rub X. They worked too hard, man. Look,

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Speaker 1: we're making exactly our quota. We're doing exactly what we're

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Speaker 1: supposed to be doing. We get exactly our time for lunch. Look,

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Speaker 1: I know that I've branded myself as Mr. Tino's Artisanal

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Speaker 1: Condoms were smaller. We're smaller batch. You know, we put

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Speaker 1: a lot more thought and effort into each individual prophylactic.

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Speaker 1: But we still have a business to run, and we

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Speaker 1: still got to get some condoms out there and stop

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Speaker 1: some babies getting made. You know how hard of a

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Speaker 1: mix it is to make these Mr Tino. I mean,

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Speaker 1: they're ten percent latex hemp. It's really it's a tough

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Speaker 1: thing to get right. We gotta take our time and

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Speaker 1: plus all the sourcing that we gotta do for these,

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Speaker 1: like that one factory in western Pennsylvania that we get

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Speaker 1: all the hemp from that they've slowed down a little.

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Speaker 1: It's tougher to get ingredients now. So we're just biding

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Speaker 1: our time while we're waiting on the hemp truck to

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Speaker 1: get here. Look, guys, you're making great points, uh, but

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Speaker 1: I just know that we are producing a superior brand

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Speaker 1: of condom. Okay, and those animals at rubb x uh

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Speaker 1: and I you know they're just using pure rubber uh

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Speaker 1: across the street, and uh, I don't like it. Well, Hey,

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Speaker 1: employee five six three, did you did you get this

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Speaker 1: flyer about unionizing? An employer five six one was handing out.

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Speaker 1: I ripped it up as soon as I got it.

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Speaker 1: I figured would be in big trouble if we were

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Speaker 1: caught with it. Here here comes out here comes Jesus, Jesus,

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Speaker 1: Jesus here, give it to me, Give it to me.

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Speaker 1: I'll put it in a condom and then put it

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Speaker 1: right in my secret pocket. Whoa, We don't get searched

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Speaker 1: in your pocket? My my, my secret pocket. Do you

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Speaker 1: do you mean? Do you mean you're you're at rectum? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's I thought that that was what the use of

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Speaker 1: these condoms were. I mean, we don't get we don't

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Speaker 1: get searched. I mean it's not far off considering what

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Speaker 1: management of Rubex is trying to do over at corporate headquarters.

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Speaker 1: But until now, they haven't really been searching our pockets.

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Speaker 1: Do you think they're gonna start search want to get

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Speaker 1: caught with the union paper work and lose my job.

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Speaker 1: This is the most productive condom factory in town. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be at some tiny condom factory. Wait

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Speaker 1: a minute, mom and pop shop. Yeah, look, I know

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Speaker 1: we're the superior condom, but you eve. He worried that

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Speaker 1: maybe maybe things would be better if we worked across

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Speaker 1: the street. You want to make little condoms, they're not little,

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Speaker 1: they just make fewer of them. What the condoms themselves? Look,

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Speaker 1: I was, I was that's not what the advertising says.

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Speaker 1: I want big condoms. You can't hide bunch in a

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Speaker 1: little tiny condom. Do you know what? Are you only

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Speaker 1: using condoms to hide things in your butt? What the

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Speaker 1: it's it's it's a money maker. It's for hiding drugs,

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Speaker 1: for smuggling. I mean, sure, you have sex with condoms,

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Speaker 1: but not not all the time. When you smuggle drugs,

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Speaker 1: you gotta have something to hide it. Him, I think

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Speaker 1: I'm ready. You want to put a rubber on? I

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Speaker 1: think I'm ready to do this? Are you sure? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I think so. Okay, I brought a few different options. Okay, great,

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Speaker 1: Uh okay, this is uh Mr Tino's small batch artisanal condoms.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow, are those locally sourced? They are, they are

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Speaker 1: locally sourced. That's the responsible condom to buy. Then they

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Speaker 1: do k to great. Um, wow, this is really really small. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I don't think that's gonna work for you a big guy. Um,

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Speaker 1: well what about rub x um. They say that of

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Speaker 1: them are used anally. Okay, I don't know if I'm

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Speaker 1: ready for that. Well no, no, I'm not proposing that.

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying that's a big part of their ads.

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Speaker 1: Vaginal ten percent other all right, well let's start with

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Speaker 1: and then maybe um wait that is there something in

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Speaker 1: that rubb X one? Yeah, what it's a note, it's

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Speaker 1: a unionization fire. What is doing in there? I don't know,

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Speaker 1: but they really folded it tight. It says that they've

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Speaker 1: all been given numbers. This is horrible. Stewart, Stewart, what,

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Speaker 1: Oh my god? What have I accidentally? I accidentally mixed

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Speaker 1: up the note that I had hidden. Oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I put it in with the ones that were getting distributed.

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Speaker 1: What I know, it's unprofessional, but sometimes it just when

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Speaker 1: you're trying to make a quota and it's late in

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Speaker 1: the day and you don't have the supplies. You you

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Speaker 1: work what you got. I know, we the So this

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Speaker 1: is what happens on our eleven and a half of

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Speaker 1: a twelve hour shift. Maybe five six one is right,

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Speaker 1: by the way, What did you put in your ass?

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Speaker 1: Just an unlike a totally wrapped, pristine ready for packaging condom.

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Speaker 1: It was. It was a lucy. It was a lucy.

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Speaker 1: And then at the end of the day I needed

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Speaker 1: to package so so I could I got crapped what

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Speaker 1: was at hand in arm's reach, and I forgot to

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Speaker 1: take the note doubt. You have time to walk. You

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Speaker 1: have time to talk. Uh, sorry, you have time to talk.

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Speaker 1: You have let me, I'm sorry, let me go to

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Speaker 1: the charts. Oh gosh, what is it? Number one? Whatever

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Speaker 1: it is, you're right, sir, you have you are talking,

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Speaker 1: so you have time to talk. You have time to

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Speaker 1: walk your ass over to the condom machine and produce

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Speaker 1: small prophylactics, yes, sir, number one. So sorry, sir. Look, okay, look,

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Speaker 1: I need you to get that union flyer back if

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Speaker 1: you can, because that tells us where we can go

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Speaker 1: and win if we're all gonna rally. We got a

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Speaker 1: rally together. All right. Well, I'm kind of a I'm

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Speaker 1: kind of a stickler about following where our condoms go.

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Speaker 1: I feel each one is like a child of my own. Well,

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Speaker 1: this is where it is I'm looking at and look

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Speaker 1: all right somewhere okay, Oh my god, I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to be able to go alone. Well I'll go with you,

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Speaker 1: of course I will. It's not safe. You mean it's

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Speaker 1: not safe where. Well, it's it's just not safe to

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Speaker 1: intrude on somebody about what they're using condoms for. They're

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Speaker 1: probably drug dealers. I'm sorry, it's three am. What is

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Speaker 1: this regarding I was just about to try the well, okay, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you were drug dealing or it's

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Speaker 1: not really my business. But I've noticed that you've got

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Speaker 1: a shipment um with lot three fifty seven from Rubbacks,

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Speaker 1: and uh, we need to to take back some of

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Speaker 1: those condoms. I've got some replacement condoms for you here.

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Speaker 1: It seems really strange. Um, honey, um uh these guys

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Speaker 1: are here, they want to take the condoms back. Oh uh,

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry. We we we used the whole pack. Oh

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Speaker 1: comment box, Stewart, what do I do you do? Know?

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Speaker 1: What are you using my real name for? I'm five

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Speaker 1: six five six three? Oh okay, okay, but I saw

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Speaker 1: the unionization that you put in there. Oh my god,

255
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,640
Speaker 1: you did. I can't help but notice the comrade poster

256
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Speaker 1: on your wall. Yeah, I'm I'm a communist. I mean,

257
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Speaker 1: is that good for unions? Stu? I don't know. I

258
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Speaker 1: don't know how unions work. I thought I thought that

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00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,200
Speaker 1: stop calling me an. I didn't call you by your

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Speaker 1: real name. You don't have to be numbers here, guys.

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Speaker 1: You're you're out of the factory. It's just it's taken

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Speaker 1: over our lives. We don't know what to do. We

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00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,600
Speaker 1: we every waking moment, we're just constantly getting bombarded by

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Speaker 1: Number one about getting more and more condoms out the door,

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Speaker 1: and then we start making mistakes. And I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I just think it's it would be important for us

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Speaker 1: to to union. Could could? I'm sorry, would you guys

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Speaker 1: have to come in? Um? Would you like something to

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00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,240
Speaker 1: drink or eat? Had some chips, some drinaus several different flavors,

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Speaker 1: and we can put some clothes on too. I mean,

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Speaker 1: if it makes you more comfortable. I was, I was

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Speaker 1: just gonna bring it up. But it's your home. It's

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Speaker 1: your home. It's your home, comrade. Oh, that feels weird,

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Speaker 1: you say, it does feel weird to say, what a

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Speaker 1: nice home. I know it's really pretty in here. What

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Speaker 1: did you mean before when you said yeah, I was

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Speaker 1: confused too, I oh me, Uh, that's well, you know

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00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:08,240
Speaker 1: there used vaginally ten percent other than anally, and we

279
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Speaker 1: were about to you know, try. I mean, we're experience.

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Speaker 1: I mean we're experimenting. Wow, what did you need to

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Speaker 1: hide his penis? Oh my god? What? And that's the

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Speaker 1: scene one. Scene number two is coming in from Kevin

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Speaker 1: Prado Alcamaniac shot his right up to the top of

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Speaker 1: the list. Uh, and it goes, uh, excuse me. Can

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Speaker 1: I get some help over here? I think I've got

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00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:45,080
Speaker 1: a scene suggestion for you all, and nobody seems to

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Speaker 1: be working around here. You know what, Let me speak

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Speaker 1: to your manager, Macaroni. I think that was a call

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00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,680
Speaker 1: back to one of our scenes. I'm going to try

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Speaker 1: something new here. The first line of the scene, if

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Speaker 1: you're an is pardon me, do you have the time?

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00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:15,359
Speaker 1: Pardon me? You have the time? Yes? Um it's fifteen twelve. Ah,

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Speaker 1: thank you. I knew this great grandfather Clark was off.

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00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:23,600
Speaker 1: I'm just crawl up inside here. Can't have the can't

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Speaker 1: have the study looking not ship shape? Am I right?

296
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:33,880
Speaker 1: You are? Indeed you are, You're cracked. Indeed. M m hmm.

297
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,280
Speaker 1: Well hand me that tiny hand me that tiny screw

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Speaker 1: driver over there on the on the settee. Will you

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00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:46,040
Speaker 1: James for Phillips head or just normal? No? No, no,

300
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Speaker 1: James head, James, yes, James head, the Queen's head, the

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00:18:53,080 --> 00:19:02,280
Speaker 1: Queen's head right here, yes, and mist and I always

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Speaker 1: have to talk my way through this. My father did

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00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,920
Speaker 1: that when I was a child, and back when this

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00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,320
Speaker 1: was just a grandfather clock, it became a great grandfather Clark.

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00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,879
Speaker 1: Now it's now it's a great grandfather clock. And I

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00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,320
Speaker 1: you know, I just every time I look at that

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00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,760
Speaker 1: portrait on the wall of him, every time I work

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Speaker 1: with his clock, I just I miss him. I miss

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00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,840
Speaker 1: I miss his I miss his tweed, I miss his pipes,

310
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:35,280
Speaker 1: I miss his adventures. And Mrs Stack of maps, you

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00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,080
Speaker 1: know you don't have to miss him set what what

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00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:43,639
Speaker 1: what do you mean? Well? With this book here you

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00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,399
Speaker 1: can bring him back? Mr Penny? Are you saying that

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00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,360
Speaker 1: this book here is some sort of magical powers which

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00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,520
Speaker 1: I opened this book and my father will return. It's

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00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,119
Speaker 1: nice assimbly here to read some passages do do a thing?

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00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,359
Speaker 1: But yes, yes, in a nutshell, yes, what did you

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00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,000
Speaker 1: even get this book? Mr Penny? No? I got it

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Speaker 1: from a book of Mystical arts shop, Yes, down on

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Speaker 1: three Penny Street. My goodness, the cover is moving. That

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00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,760
Speaker 1: snake is moving on the cover is indeed, I'm just

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00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,280
Speaker 1: as to one knew that it comes with the price

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Speaker 1: or something. I don't know. I didn't read that ahead.

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Speaker 1: What does what does the stickers say? What is the

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00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:26,520
Speaker 1: price tag stickers say there it says forty four ninety

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00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:31,040
Speaker 1: five plus a curse. Oh well that's the price of

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00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:35,359
Speaker 1: Wait what what? What did I don't know? I didn't

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00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,160
Speaker 1: read that far ahead, Like I said, I just picked

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00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,440
Speaker 1: it out recently, just put it down, and you picked

330
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,280
Speaker 1: it up and did not notice that a curse was

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00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,560
Speaker 1: Was the curse also extracted from you upon the point

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00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,200
Speaker 1: of sale or is it something that you extract later?

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00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,320
Speaker 1: And I haven't used the book outs, I don't know

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00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,760
Speaker 1: if when the price will be paid? Just I'm assuming.

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00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:04,760
Speaker 1: I'm tearribly sorry. All sales are final. You're hoping to

336
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:10,639
Speaker 1: exchange the book? Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yes, something with

337
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,200
Speaker 1: without a curse? Oh well, I'm terribly sorry. It says

338
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:22,120
Speaker 1: clearly on the price tag for plus occurs. So were

339
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,720
Speaker 1: I to take the book back, I'd also be taking

340
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,480
Speaker 1: the curse back. Yes, could could exchange it? Then? Could

341
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,920
Speaker 1: could there be an exchange for perhaps a book that

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00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,040
Speaker 1: that had a price and then perhaps I don't know,

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00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,480
Speaker 1: a minor penalty but not a full case. Well, I

344
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 1: suppose it could be a book of a higher cost

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00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,119
Speaker 1: to offset the difference between a minor penalty and a curse.

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00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:54,760
Speaker 1: But that it's a pity large gap between those two. Right, Well,

347
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,200
Speaker 1: what kind of gap are we talking about here? No,

348
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,639
Speaker 1: I'd say at least a two hundred pound gap. I

349
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:05,480
Speaker 1: we'll be taking my book back and saying good day, sir. Well,

350
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,680
Speaker 1: I say good day to you, sir, I said, it's

351
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,520
Speaker 1: first good day to you. Well, I was in kind

352
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:15,280
Speaker 1: with good day, good day. Then excuse me, sorry, I

353
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,120
Speaker 1: had purchased a book at US not more than four

354
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:22,480
Speaker 1: or five days ago, and my ears fell off. First,

355
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,720
Speaker 1: my nose seems to be wiggling. I want to return it.

356
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,600
Speaker 1: I want to return I'm sorry, sir sales. So final

357
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,600
Speaker 1: did you happen to purchase a book with a curse?

358
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:36,160
Speaker 1: He was? He was a holler and I didn't eine

359
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:41,200
Speaker 1: plush terrible life threatening cursefully, I mean again, our stickers

360
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:45,400
Speaker 1: are incredibly explicit in terms of what you're getting. Uh

361
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,520
Speaker 1: and uh, I mean are you disappointed? I mean your

362
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,240
Speaker 1: your ear fell off? I mean, does that not constitute

363
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,320
Speaker 1: he was a gift for someone else, said, I didn't

364
00:22:54,359 --> 00:23:00,879
Speaker 1: realize the curse is gonna go to me. Hey, I

365
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,240
Speaker 1: finished that book that you got for me. That was

366
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:10,280
Speaker 1: so so sweet of you. Oh really, anything weird happening

367
00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:15,280
Speaker 1: to you. No, I don't know why you finished the

368
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,040
Speaker 1: whole book. I finished. I finished the whole book. I

369
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,440
Speaker 1: read the whole thing cover to cover. I think, you know,

370
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 1: I always thought that this is gonna sound silly, But

371
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,119
Speaker 1: ever since I got you know, the promotion above you,

372
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,280
Speaker 1: I thought that maybe you didn't like me. I thought

373
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,800
Speaker 1: maybe you would try to sabotage me somehow. But you

374
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,160
Speaker 1: show up with it. You don't feel like a fever

375
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,879
Speaker 1: coming on. No, not at all. It's I thought it

376
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,359
Speaker 1: was really sweet, and I have to say, oh my gosh,

377
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:48,520
Speaker 1: what did you spin out one of your teeth? No,

378
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,399
Speaker 1: that one was loose, that one was already Oh what

379
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:56,879
Speaker 1: about that one? I gotta I gotta go, I gotta go.

380
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,240
Speaker 1: Oh my, Well, thank you for the book. I'm glad

381
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 1: we're not enemy, but you have to return the book.

382
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,879
Speaker 1: But it wasn't the stake I thought. I thought that.

383
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:09,960
Speaker 1: I said that the curse was gonna go with the book.

384
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 1: Well did you purchase a did you get a gift

385
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:18,320
Speaker 1: receipt along with it? M hmm, I see. Well, when

386
00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:21,680
Speaker 1: you get a gift receipt, then you can deliver the

387
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,680
Speaker 1: gift receipt and the curse onto the recipient. Is it

388
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:30,240
Speaker 1: too late to get a gift receipt? I'm afraid it is. Oh,

389
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:37,040
Speaker 1: excuse me, I'd like to return this book please. Ah,

390
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,440
Speaker 1: this is my day, This is my day, every day.

391
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:44,040
Speaker 1: Isn't it just just doing returns? Yes? What? What? What? What?

392
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:50,440
Speaker 1: May I ask? Is your concern ready player too? Oh? Yes?

393
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,480
Speaker 1: Yes it did? It sucked, didn't it? Yeah, it really did.

394
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,960
Speaker 1: I did read the entire things some some reason, and

395
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,480
Speaker 1: then I always told that that was the curse, reading

396
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,479
Speaker 1: the whole book. So I feel like I can return

397
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:07,399
Speaker 1: it now? Yes? Yes? Uh? And how much did you

398
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:12,320
Speaker 1: pay for it? I paid fourteen cents a rip off

399
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,920
Speaker 1: if you asked me. I'm happy to give you a

400
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,720
Speaker 1: money back, but please keep the book as well. I

401
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: don't want the book back, but I'm terribly sorry for

402
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 1: you for your inconvenience. And here's your fourteen pence thank you.

403
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:30,640
Speaker 1: Excuse me, hi, I'm I am so sorry this book.

404
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:34,520
Speaker 1: What a cute little shop you have here? Well, thank you,

405
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:38,719
Speaker 1: thank you. This is just you've what now we've been

406
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:42,600
Speaker 1: in business for three years. Wow, that's older than my

407
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:47,840
Speaker 1: whole country is you know? I have a toddler and

408
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:51,120
Speaker 1: I would love to get him a book. There's one.

409
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: It's called The Monster at the End of this book.

410
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:55,600
Speaker 1: Have you ever heard of it? It's got lovable fury

411
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,639
Speaker 1: Old Grover in it. Do you have a copy of

412
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 1: that book? Yes, Grover is the monster at the end

413
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 1: of the book. Uh, much to his own consternation. If

414
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,879
Speaker 1: I wow, do you do this about? Do you just

415
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:12,760
Speaker 1: give away the ending of every book? Is that? I'm

416
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,600
Speaker 1: sorry you didn't know that Grover is the monster at

417
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,399
Speaker 1: the end of the book. I just heard it was

418
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:21,560
Speaker 1: a good book. I was getting it for my toddler. Well, well,

419
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 1: now I gotta get a different book. What do you recommend? No, no, no, no,

420
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:29,560
Speaker 1: you know what I'll get. I'll get The Hungry Caterpillar here.

421
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,240
Speaker 1: You want to tell me how that ends. What happens

422
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 1: is the caterpillar eat his eat, eating too much, and

423
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 1: and go sleep. I'm guessing that that's perfect because I

424
00:26:40,119 --> 00:26:44,480
Speaker 1: don't I don't know that one specifically, But I do

425
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:49,719
Speaker 1: have a first edition signed copy of The Monster at

426
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:53,520
Speaker 1: the End of this book, signed by Grover, signed by Grover. Yes,

427
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 1: and it's it also it comes with a with a curse.

428
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:02,680
Speaker 1: Great that sounds that sounds quaint English. All right, just

429
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 1: in case my kid doesn't like it, though, Can I

430
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:11,920
Speaker 1: get a gift receipt with that? Okay? I see, sir,

431
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,280
Speaker 1: your father has returned. He has appeared from the book.

432
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 1: Is in the study? Yes, yes, he has returned. My god,

433
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 1: Mr Penny, My I haven't seen my father since since

434
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 1: the untimely accident. What I don't even know what? My

435
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,840
Speaker 1: god from a book? Now, he's very confused, very confused.

436
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 1: Died for him? No time has passed, he is dying?

437
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 1: Is going on here? Father? Father? It's me, father, your

438
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 1: your son? Never? Yes? Yes, Father Neville, it's me. What

439
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:56,800
Speaker 1: what embraces you've You've been brought back? Father? Be a

440
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:04,160
Speaker 1: very special book. Last thing I remember was I got

441
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:08,800
Speaker 1: about a roller coaster? Yes, father, If you'll here read

442
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 1: this newspaper article, it'll tell you what happened. Man decapitated

443
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:17,080
Speaker 1: on roller coaster. The headline really just says everything you

444
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,359
Speaker 1: need to nurse. I'm sorry I didn't need for it

445
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:25,119
Speaker 1: to give away headline. Very good, sir, very good. Don't

446
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:30,720
Speaker 1: stop encouraging my father. Oh, my god, Mr Penny, Mr Penny,

447
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:33,679
Speaker 1: What do we do now? Is this an apparition of him?

448
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 1: Or is this really him back from the dead head intact,

449
00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 1: it's ready him. I mean, I don't know what fathers

450
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:41,200
Speaker 1: and sons dupil throw a ball around or something. I

451
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 1: don't know real bond father, Shall we throw a ball

452
00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:51,880
Speaker 1: around or bond in some way a ball boy? No,

453
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: it's a terrible idea, so a terrible idea. I'll just

454
00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:00,520
Speaker 1: continue fixing the clock as I've always done. Yes, Yes,

455
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,680
Speaker 1: it's your job to turn that great grandfather clock into

456
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 1: a great great grandfather clock. Father. You know I can't

457
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 1: have children. Well if you take that condom off your willie, perhaps, father,

458
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:20,360
Speaker 1: this is a this is a Mr Tino's arteasonal condom. Father, Yes,

459
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:22,800
Speaker 1: but you don't have to wear a twitter poor seven boy.

460
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 1: But it's our Teasonal, it's hemp all right. Well ah oh,

461
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 1: I feel my head is coming. Oh dear God, dear God,

462
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:42,520
Speaker 1: I'm carrying it around. Mr Penny, my father is headless.

463
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:46,520
Speaker 1: Please you must get the refund on this book. I try.

464
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,960
Speaker 1: There's no rivers. I tried to do it. It was

465
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,880
Speaker 1: two hundred pounds more of us to do it. Where

466
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,360
Speaker 1: did you get the book? At a three year old

467
00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:05,200
Speaker 1: book shop? At John Chumbley's. Everyone knows they don't do

468
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:15,960
Speaker 1: returns and Seen. All right, so we've got one final

469
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 1: scene for the day. It's Seen three and it's coming

470
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 1: from Danny in Saskatchewan. Hello, alchemists coming in with another suggestion.

471
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:30,000
Speaker 1: This one's for the world's most famous mustache. Uh James

472
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:40,440
Speaker 1: Eeney famous. That's that's all you are. It's like then,

473
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:42,680
Speaker 1: magnum p I. It goes in that order an think

474
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:48,920
Speaker 1: nice hash brown World of Championship from Danny and Saskatchewan.

475
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 1: Order up. Excuse me, yeah, I'm looking for the chef

476
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:04,120
Speaker 1: it has created these hash browns here on my plate.

477
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's Al. Hey, Al, somebody wants to talk

478
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 1: to you about your hash browns. Okay, you must be

479
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:18,080
Speaker 1: al like to shake your hand. I am a judge

480
00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 1: for the World Championship hash Browns. Okay, have you competed? No?

481
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,960
Speaker 1: I just cook here. You just cook here in this

482
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:32,840
Speaker 1: small town. Yeah, that's all I do, just a cook here. Well,

483
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:35,600
Speaker 1: I'm gonna write down on this golden ticket right here,

484
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 1: this hash brown golden ticket. One admission to the two

485
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 1: World Championship hash brown Off. And this should be a

486
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:49,960
Speaker 1: big deal to me because why excuse me, you're not

487
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:52,680
Speaker 1: even familiar with the championship. No, like I said, I

488
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: just cook here. It's small town, you know, I just

489
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: make hash browns, eggs over medium, over easy, whatever. You know.

490
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,680
Speaker 1: I'm not talking eggs here. I'm talking hash browns. And

491
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 1: you made the patties yourself. Gotta to stick together and

492
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:12,840
Speaker 1: just that form. Yeah, I did. I think you should compete? Yeah, alright, man,

493
00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:18,000
Speaker 1: got not. I'm better to do. Kevin, Kevin, it's time

494
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:21,680
Speaker 1: for bed. Put your potatoes away, Honey, your potatoes away,

495
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:23,520
Speaker 1: Get out of the kitchen, get into the bed. I'm

496
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:26,080
Speaker 1: gonna get into the championships one day, Mom, Kevin, I

497
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:28,760
Speaker 1: know you are Kevin. I know you are, honey, and

498
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:30,840
Speaker 1: one day you will. One day you will be the

499
00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:34,400
Speaker 1: greatest hash brown chef of all time. But right now,

500
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 1: you've got school in the morning. It's midnight. I'd be

501
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 1: a bad parent if I tried, if I let you

502
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 1: stay up with so much later, What am I ever

503
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:45,280
Speaker 1: gonna use any of that stuff and cooking hash browns, Kevin,

504
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:47,120
Speaker 1: You're going to use all of the things you learn

505
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,760
Speaker 1: in school. Everything you learn in school is to make

506
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 1: your mind brighter and stronger and more expansive and more

507
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,800
Speaker 1: compassionate and that you're going to use in life. Not

508
00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 1: everything is about hashbrown. God damn it. Are you still awake, Kevin, Honey,

509
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 1: it's okay, it's I'm talking to him. No said, I

510
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:10,480
Speaker 1: want all potatoes out of the house. I don't want

511
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:15,520
Speaker 1: another goddamn hash brown cooked in this house. Dad, Dad,

512
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:18,720
Speaker 1: you gotta taste these. I don't want to taste him.

513
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 1: You're obsessed with it. You know what, You're never gonna

514
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: be a hash brown and hair or whatever you want

515
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,760
Speaker 1: to call it. Well, you gotta quit those dreams. I'll

516
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:31,640
Speaker 1: show you, old man. I'm gonna become the greatest hashbrown

517
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,000
Speaker 1: schof the world has ever known. Kevin, where are you going?

518
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:37,240
Speaker 1: Where are you going? Where you Where? Did you even

519
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,400
Speaker 1: get a bendle? Kevin? Where are you going? I've got

520
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:44,200
Speaker 1: a bendle full of potatoes and I'm hitting the road. Well,

521
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,040
Speaker 1: don't come back crying. What do you can't buy a

522
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: place to sleep? Kevin? Let him good to me, Let

523
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,800
Speaker 1: him go. He's nine, I'm not going to just and

524
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:55,400
Speaker 1: there he goes. He's out the door. I hope you're happy.

525
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,960
Speaker 1: Lock the door, Lock the door, Brenda, locked the door.

526
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 1: Thanks for the ride. Mister, Hey, no problem. Um, you

527
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:10,200
Speaker 1: don't happen to know where the two hashburn World Championships

528
00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:15,319
Speaker 1: are being held, do you do? I look at your window, kid,

529
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:20,959
Speaker 1: What that's right just over the edge, over the big gate.

530
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,200
Speaker 1: Oh well, I got you. I got your car ten

531
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 1: minutes ago. You were so close. This whole time, you

532
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 1: didn't know. No, I had no I did my parents

533
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:35,399
Speaker 1: uh prevent me from learning anything about it. Oh well,

534
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:37,839
Speaker 1: you just gotta go to those big gates over there.

535
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 1: You gotta show me a mission ticket and then you

536
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,440
Speaker 1: get right in a mission ticket. Oh how do you

537
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:47,200
Speaker 1: get one of those? Well, you gotta get scouted kids.

538
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,400
Speaker 1: Oh man, I I've been making world class hash Browns

539
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,759
Speaker 1: in my home kitchen for the last six months, but

540
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,719
Speaker 1: no scouts have shown up. That's a real bumm or

541
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:03,080
Speaker 1: no scout, no admission? Hey, mr, would you would you

542
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:05,120
Speaker 1: mind tasting some of these? They're they're kind of room

543
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:07,479
Speaker 1: temperature now, but I coot them not too long ago.

544
00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:10,000
Speaker 1: Get me all right? I don't see what the point

545
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 1: isn't it. Oh wow, he's a fantastic Are they too salty?

546
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:22,640
Speaker 1: Not salty enough? These are world class competition hash Brown's kid,

547
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,680
Speaker 1: it's a shame you didn't get scouted or or did

548
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:30,800
Speaker 1: you get scouted? Or did you get scouted? Son? You

549
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:36,920
Speaker 1: just change your voice. That's right, because I John Hormel,

550
00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:44,719
Speaker 1: d John Hormel. That's right. I oversee the competition and youth,

551
00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:49,640
Speaker 1: Son have earned an admission ticket here you are. Wow,

552
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 1: you're scouting me all along when you pull up right

553
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 1: side of my house just as I was saying goodbye

554
00:35:56,120 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: to my parents forever Well, whether I like it or not,

555
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 1: your last year's champions show why I you're owed an

556
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:12,800
Speaker 1: invitation to this year's championship. So I formally invite you

557
00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:19,160
Speaker 1: to the World Championship two hash brown competition formally accept?

558
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,440
Speaker 1: Are you sure you have to accept? I mean, come on,

559
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,719
Speaker 1: give somebody else a chance to win. For a chance,

560
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:28,080
Speaker 1: no one else. You'll have a chance against Jacques Browns.

561
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:32,800
Speaker 1: Jacques Browns as the Well's best Browns. Would't I defy

562
00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:37,279
Speaker 1: anyone to come and try Jacques Browns and not think

563
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,640
Speaker 1: they's the best in the hole. Who is going to

564
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,120
Speaker 1: come after me this year? Are you bringing me? Is

565
00:36:42,239 --> 00:36:45,759
Speaker 1: Jean Hermel going to bring me more challenges that I

566
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:50,920
Speaker 1: shall knock off the UNIPEDISTALSI? Is that? What shall happen.

567
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,840
Speaker 1: It sounds like you're using Mr Hormel's name in a

568
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:59,080
Speaker 1: very snarky fashioned You should be warned. Mr. He's a

569
00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:02,400
Speaker 1: very prominent and in the hash brown community. Mr Hommel

570
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:06,759
Speaker 1: is not is not suited to scatter, smother or cover

571
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:10,560
Speaker 1: my hash browns. I do that. I make the hash browns.

572
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,799
Speaker 1: I am the star of this contest, and I shall

573
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:19,640
Speaker 1: emerge victorious. Now excuse me. I shall remain in my

574
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:26,080
Speaker 1: sedan until the thing begins. Door slam. Welcome back to

575
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:31,759
Speaker 1: the twenty twenty to Hash Brown Competition World Championships. I'm

576
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:34,960
Speaker 1: the ghost of Howard Coast Cell, brought back from a

577
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:38,680
Speaker 1: book that was non returnable. I'm here next to my

578
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:44,440
Speaker 1: color guy, Tony Romo. Tony. A lot of great competition

579
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:47,760
Speaker 1: this year. We've got Jack Brown the early on favorite.

580
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:52,560
Speaker 1: What do you think, all right, Howard? I can't wait

581
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 1: to eat these hashbrowns. Uh? I heard that. You know,

582
00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:58,880
Speaker 1: to make it standard, theyre going with Idaho russet for

583
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,320
Speaker 1: everyone across the board. You know, it's a nice moist

584
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:07,239
Speaker 1: potato should hold up with the binding agents. Uh, you know,

585
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 1: egg or whatever people are using to hold those hash

586
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:15,960
Speaker 1: browns together. Because you need that moisture. That's right, downy,

587
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:19,000
Speaker 1: you need the moisture. We've got quite a wonderful crap

588
00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:22,560
Speaker 1: competitors this season. There's a young kid and upstart, as

589
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,480
Speaker 1: you'd say. I believe his name is let me look

590
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 1: at my notes here, Kevin. Is that right? Kevin? That's

591
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:31,040
Speaker 1: a good standard name for a nine year old kid,

592
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:34,480
Speaker 1: Howard And uh, I think you know, he might be

593
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:36,520
Speaker 1: a little over his head, but he's definitely someone to

594
00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:39,360
Speaker 1: wash for the future. Uh. And I did say wash

595
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:42,080
Speaker 1: for the future because he stinks he's been on the

596
00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:48,360
Speaker 1: road for a while. All Right, Kevin, I don't know

597
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:50,880
Speaker 1: if I'm really supposed to let use sharp knives. How

598
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:53,840
Speaker 1: much experience do you have with sharp knives? Well, I

599
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:59,000
Speaker 1: usually use a mandolin at home. Mandolin. That's a music instrument, right, Uh,

600
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,320
Speaker 1: my crazy, because I have I'm just a host of

601
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:08,239
Speaker 1: these things. I've never used a mandolin. Oh, well, you

602
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,439
Speaker 1: really should do some more research if you're gonna host

603
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:15,760
Speaker 1: the host Proud Championship. A mandolin is a standard kitchen

604
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:18,880
Speaker 1: slicing tool, Okay, is it the one that looks like

605
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 1: it could cut eggs and like nice slices with the

606
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:25,120
Speaker 1: guitar strings. Yeah, that's the one, alright, alright, that makes sense.

607
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:28,920
Speaker 1: And they call it a mandolin I think, so, Kevin,

608
00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:31,920
Speaker 1: did they name it after the mandolin instrument or did

609
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 1: the mandolin instrument get its name from this tool? Jeez,

610
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 1: I don't know. They never covered that in school, sir. Okay,

611
00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:45,440
Speaker 1: all right, so you're safe around the mandolin, yeah, I

612
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,359
Speaker 1: I think so. I mean, the sharper the better. Look.

613
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,600
Speaker 1: I'm just happy to be here. I mean, I don't

614
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:57,000
Speaker 1: have any chance against Shock. Somebody's gotta beat him. I'd

615
00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:59,320
Speaker 1: feel like it might just be what we need is somebody,

616
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:03,120
Speaker 1: somebody with your kind of face, you know, a young

617
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 1: kid that the judges can be awed by. I don't know,

618
00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:09,279
Speaker 1: I can't. I can't speak for the judges, but I

619
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:11,839
Speaker 1: think it's more impressive to see a kid your age,

620
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:14,920
Speaker 1: how old you nine? Nine? They'll be ten in December,

621
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:18,840
Speaker 1: ten in December. To see a kid ten in December

622
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:23,359
Speaker 1: make a hashbrown that even could compete with Jook, Well,

623
00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,960
Speaker 1: I I thought you'd have more journalistic impartiality. But it's

624
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,680
Speaker 1: good to know that you're in my corner, sir. Excuse me,

625
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 1: is my booth around in someplace? I don't know, where

626
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:35,600
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to go. Oh my gosh, what what? What

627
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 1: is it? Carl? Yeah, that's it, Carl, you look like

628
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:43,319
Speaker 1: a Carlu. That's a cure name for a grizzled old

629
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,200
Speaker 1: short order cook. It's a standing name for a short

630
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:51,880
Speaker 1: order cook. Yeah, it's a good one. Is this a Mandlin?

631
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:56,120
Speaker 1: What the history of a Mandlin? Come on, Carl, you

632
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 1: know what the history is, right. I'm just I just

633
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 1: cook eggs over medium, over whatever in this small town.

634
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:06,520
Speaker 1: I don't know what the stuff is. Listen, Carl, I

635
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:08,439
Speaker 1: want you. You're gonna be in this booth right next

636
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:10,759
Speaker 1: to Kevin, and I want either one of you to win.

637
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:15,880
Speaker 1: I just as a journalist with integrity, cannot watch this

638
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,200
Speaker 1: the previous championship of the last five years win again

639
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:24,640
Speaker 1: again again. Don't accuse me, excuse me. I believe that

640
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:28,760
Speaker 1: Dan just drove right through the wall. Someone is sitting

641
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:33,640
Speaker 1: in my booth. I'm sorry, Jacques. We have changed where

642
00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 1: your booth is located this year. You're going to be

643
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:39,200
Speaker 1: in the corner over there. Well, fine, Zen, you will

644
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:42,439
Speaker 1: be okay with me driving there? Excuse me. I would

645
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:48,960
Speaker 1: prefer excuse me, excuse me, Jacque coming Slough, Well, chambiond

646
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 1: Ash Browns to drive that far, it's like two boots over.

647
00:41:57,160 --> 00:42:01,680
Speaker 1: I blave it past my booth and let miss squattriverse

648
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 1: and now I am I want to be so you

649
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:10,879
Speaker 1: can see why I want this loser to lose? Right?

650
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:14,799
Speaker 1: How can this loser keep winning? Jacques? What a great

651
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:19,400
Speaker 1: name for a Frenchman. No, it's not good. It's cliche

652
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:23,960
Speaker 1: at best. Alright, judges, Um, we got three plates in

653
00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:27,280
Speaker 1: front of us. Which do you want to start with? First?

654
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:36,200
Speaker 1: Which one did the did the kid do? Blind? It's blink?

655
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:41,200
Speaker 1: Come on, Marty, you know this alright. What you can't

656
00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:43,759
Speaker 1: decide who you want to win and then just pick there.

657
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:45,560
Speaker 1: It would be cool though, if it was the kid.

658
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:47,759
Speaker 1: I mean, yes, of course it would be cool. If

659
00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:49,360
Speaker 1: it was it would be pretty cool. But well, I

660
00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:51,200
Speaker 1: don't we start with the middle one here? And I

661
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,480
Speaker 1: really thought there'd be more than three competitors in the

662
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:57,359
Speaker 1: championship this year. But let's start with this one here. Well,

663
00:42:57,440 --> 00:42:59,320
Speaker 1: it takes a lot to get to us, you know

664
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:01,719
Speaker 1: what I mean. They must have been vetted by the

665
00:43:01,800 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 1: scouts by the time they get to us. So let's

666
00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:07,160
Speaker 1: take a little all right, Well, this one seems to

667
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:11,239
Speaker 1: have been kind of uh fried into one of those

668
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:14,360
Speaker 1: patty shapes. I do like a patty, I do like

669
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:17,839
Speaker 1: I do like a patty. This one has a little

670
00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:22,920
Speaker 1: more scattered to it. And I was I accepted a bribe,

671
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,160
Speaker 1: and I'm supposed to vote for the kids hash brown,

672
00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 1: but I don't really know which one it is. Wait,

673
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:32,640
Speaker 1: you really shouldn't tell us that, Evelyn. I assumed everyone

674
00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:36,239
Speaker 1: got a bribe? Was I the only one? Even? We

675
00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:38,759
Speaker 1: ever win with just one person? Take? Oh, you guys

676
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:43,440
Speaker 1: are keeping it secret. That's fine, that's fine, Evelyn? Are you?

677
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 1: Did you take a bribe? Or you are you? I

678
00:43:47,239 --> 00:43:49,600
Speaker 1: thought we were. I thought we're all judges, right, we

679
00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:51,719
Speaker 1: can be honest with each other. Yeah, I took a bribe.

680
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,239
Speaker 1: You didn't get a bribe? No, no, none of none

681
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:57,279
Speaker 1: of us, None of us got bribes. Even Yeah I

682
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:01,440
Speaker 1: didn't get a bride either. Stop see the winking, Evelyn.

683
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:05,239
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter. Do you think that

684
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:07,200
Speaker 1: this one with the French fries I'll put together? Do

685
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 1: you think that's the kid? I mean, it did seem

686
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:14,240
Speaker 1: odd that it was mostly a pile of French FRIESE

687
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:17,560
Speaker 1: it's French fries that have been assembled into somewhat of

688
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:21,760
Speaker 1: a hash brown shape made into a lattice. It feels

689
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:23,560
Speaker 1: like this, This feels like this might have been the

690
00:44:23,719 --> 00:44:28,240
Speaker 1: raft project from third grade turned into hash brown form.

691
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,600
Speaker 1: But Evelyn, we're not We're supposed to be picking the

692
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:33,799
Speaker 1: best one, not the one we think is from the kid.

693
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,640
Speaker 1: So we have I'm just picking the best farm. Look,

694
00:44:36,719 --> 00:44:40,000
Speaker 1: we have Patty hash Brown, we have Scrambly hash Brown,

695
00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:43,360
Speaker 1: and we have French fry based hash brown with an

696
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 1: action figure on top. There's no way for us to

697
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:47,800
Speaker 1: know which one was made by the kids, so we

698
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,480
Speaker 1: just have to judge them on their merits. Am I

699
00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:53,200
Speaker 1: alone in saying that? I really thought that the quality

700
00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:55,200
Speaker 1: of hash browns would be much higher this year at

701
00:44:55,200 --> 00:45:00,920
Speaker 1: the finals. I mean this is an international competition. Well,

702
00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:03,640
Speaker 1: at least the French fry one with the action figure

703
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:06,680
Speaker 1: also has a good, uh good dollop of ketchup on

704
00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 1: the side like that. I do like an accompaniment. I

705
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:12,680
Speaker 1: do like an accompany with this blood. Oh this is blood.

706
00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 1: Oh goodness, it's like somebody sliced the ship out of

707
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:18,759
Speaker 1: their hand on a mandolin. Oh. All we gotta do

708
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:21,680
Speaker 1: is figure out which one if these uh hash brown

709
00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:24,759
Speaker 1: ears is missing a finger or as a wound, we'll

710
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,120
Speaker 1: find Evelyn. Then you're the one that is so intent

711
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:29,360
Speaker 1: on finding out which one was the kids, then you

712
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,840
Speaker 1: go figure it out. Come back to us and let

713
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:40,439
Speaker 1: us know. I Mom, dad, Oh my god, you're home.

714
00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: Oh god, our babies back. Oh yeah, a finger you lost?

715
00:45:47,560 --> 00:45:51,520
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Yeah, I found out I'm not that

716
00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,440
Speaker 1: great at making hash browns either. Well I could have

717
00:45:54,560 --> 00:45:57,280
Speaker 1: told you that. You didn't need to lose a finger

718
00:45:57,440 --> 00:45:59,440
Speaker 1: to find out you aren't good at hash browns. I

719
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:03,239
Speaker 1: can't eat plastic toys. We were supposed to be encouraging him.

720
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:13,040
Speaker 1: I did, though. Oh that's wonderful, honey. Third congratulations. You

721
00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:16,239
Speaker 1: know what the Olympics people give get third place trophies too,

722
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:21,400
Speaker 1: in their whole communities, celebrate them. I mean there were

723
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:29,719
Speaker 1: only three competitors. Goddamn it, honey, third place bronze. That's

724
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:32,279
Speaker 1: the biggest loser. What do you want me to say.

725
00:46:32,719 --> 00:46:35,560
Speaker 1: I'm just glad you're home. Come here and hug me. Oh,

726
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:40,879
Speaker 1: it's just getting that is still actively bleeding. Yeah, it's

727
00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:46,760
Speaker 1: bleeding pretty bad, honey, coming and that's our show. Gosh,

728
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:48,600
Speaker 1: it has been a hell of a lot of fun.

729
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:51,560
Speaker 1: Let's thank our alchemists and see what they're up too. Cool,

730
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,240
Speaker 1: what are you up to? I just killed a giant

731
00:46:54,320 --> 00:47:00,399
Speaker 1: spider that was on the wall. Other than that, uh,

732
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,800
Speaker 1: and our Patriot members got the exciting video of it.

733
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:07,359
Speaker 1: Maybe like I gotta go take care of this right now.

734
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,040
Speaker 1: It was like so weird. There was a weird look

735
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:11,880
Speaker 1: on your face. I didn't know it was fear, and

736
00:47:12,040 --> 00:47:13,840
Speaker 1: maybe it wasn't always a fear, but I think it

737
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:16,200
Speaker 1: was like a brown recluse, like it's not a nice fighter.

738
00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:17,880
Speaker 1: So I was like, I think instead of like just

739
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,520
Speaker 1: sitting here and finishing the scene up, I'm gonna go

740
00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:24,160
Speaker 1: take care of this herefore it goes after my cats anyhow. Uh,

741
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:27,719
Speaker 1: just doing a lot of comedy at the Westside Comedy Theater,

742
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:31,440
Speaker 1: pretty pretty pony first Thursday of the month and uh

743
00:47:31,680 --> 00:47:37,160
Speaker 1: SF Sketch Fest coming back in January very likely the

744
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:40,280
Speaker 1: greatest and oh at Stratton Coole or at Cold Stratton

745
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,600
Speaker 1: on socials, thank you nice and Mark? What's going on

746
00:47:43,800 --> 00:47:46,800
Speaker 1: in in Gagli already Land? Well, Gaggli already Land. We

747
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 1: just opened a new ride, uh and there is a

748
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:53,680
Speaker 1: lightning lane for it. Um and Gaggli already land Uh

749
00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:57,000
Speaker 1: we got this with Mark and how dropping every every

750
00:47:57,120 --> 00:48:00,440
Speaker 1: week on the Maximum Fun Network. Uh. If you are

751
00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:03,520
Speaker 1: local to Los Angeles in Pasadena, the first Thursday of

752
00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 1: every month is what you will a Shakespearean un play

753
00:48:06,680 --> 00:48:10,560
Speaker 1: at Lineage Performing Arts Center. And also Blood and Treasure

754
00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:17,000
Speaker 1: season two coming out July. So I saw that season

755
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,400
Speaker 1: one box set man art on the cover of that

756
00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:25,160
Speaker 1: is so freaking cool. Finally back on Blu ray Baby, Yeah,

757
00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:34,320
Speaker 1: ten a, DP, Nice and Kaikowski. What's going on before

758
00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:37,319
Speaker 1: we wrap this one out? Man? That episode really made

759
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:39,920
Speaker 1: me hungry for hash Browns or I would even take

760
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:43,080
Speaker 1: home fries. Home fries are fine with me as well.

761
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:46,080
Speaker 1: I like them both. I think I'm at a guy

762
00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:51,480
Speaker 1: Co commercial. Uh, I mean I know that I shot one.

763
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 1: I hope it will air at some point in the

764
00:48:56,239 --> 00:48:58,239
Speaker 1: next couple of months, but be able to look out

765
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:03,920
Speaker 1: for that. I alright. Well, thanks to our engineer and

766
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:09,800
Speaker 1: producer to the stars, Mr Doug Bam and the fine

767
00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:13,080
Speaker 1: folks at I Heart Media. I'm your guest host and

768
00:49:13,239 --> 00:49:16,120
Speaker 1: James Heeney and I thank you for listening, and until

769
00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:16,680
Speaker 1: next time,