Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Well, it's summer, which always
Speaker 1: reminds me of my childhood at camp, canoeing, roasting marshmallows,
Speaker 1: learning how to masturbate, or as we call it, a camp,
Speaker 1: beating the tom tom. It's all about the beat. Nearly
Speaker 1: every adult who went to camp remembers it fondly, but
Speaker 1: like jerking off, some people just can't let go camp.
Speaker 2: It is not just for kids anymore, because more and
Speaker 2: more places they're offering camps for adults.
Speaker 3: All the fun things that you would do as a kilic, swimming, archery,
Speaker 3: ziplining of ropes course, even a talent show.
Speaker 2: We have arts and crafts.
Speaker 4: There are also other camps there too, like Space Camp.
Speaker 4: You get to go on an interactive space mission, build
Speaker 4: rockets and train like astronauts.
Speaker 1: What the hell is wrong with these peotball in my game,
Speaker 1: when you had a midlife crisis, you bought a red
Speaker 1: Corp back and seen it on your wife. Now it's
Speaker 1: sharing bunk beds and making lanyards. Huh, stop reinventing the wheel,
Speaker 1: and don't get me started on space camp. Kids go
Speaker 1: to space camp because there's still hope they'll go to
Speaker 1: actual space. When you're a grown up, that spaceship has sailed.
Speaker 1: It would be like trying to seduce Roy Moore when
Speaker 1: you're forty seven. You're forty years too late. Oh what
Speaker 1: did you vote for it? But there's another reason adults
Speaker 1: are going back to camp, and it ain't archery.
Speaker 5: Play like a kid and party like a grown up
Speaker 5: is the motto at camp. No counselors and all inclusive
Speaker 5: weekend long sleep away camp for grown ups. The all
Speaker 5: inclusive package includes lodging, food and open bar, nightly parties,
Speaker 5: and tons of old school camp activities like wheelbarrow races
Speaker 5: and human hungry hungria.
Speaker 1: Vote. Oh yeah, boot, I love getting wasted and then
Speaker 1: getting tossed like a salad. Seriously, if I want to
Speaker 1: puke in a ball pit, I'll go to McDonald's like
Speaker 1: a normal person. Look, it's one thing for these forty
Speaker 1: year old toddlers to ruin camp, but I refuse to
Speaker 1: stand by and watch them room booze in these terrible times,
Speaker 1: it's all we have left. And besides, if all the
Speaker 1: adults are in camp pretending to be kids, who's going
Speaker 1: to do all the adult.
Speaker 3: Stuff kids summer camps are putting away the canoes and
Speaker 3: the kayaks, and instead, in some cases, teaching kids how
Speaker 3: to manage money.
Speaker 1: Attractive options for families who want their children to learn
Speaker 1: about budgets and business.
Speaker 5: Here, kids from seven to sixteen learn to crunch numbers
Speaker 5: for a product they'll later design, manufacture, and market.
Speaker 1: Oh great, just what this country needs. Even younger Wall
Speaker 1: Street tooch pads. I can't wait to get my house
Speaker 1: repossessed by a banker who still wears a onesie. So
Speaker 1: I get why these kids are being sent to learn
Speaker 1: about money. Someone's got to pay for their parents to
Speaker 1: play drunken corn hole. Look, it's clear what's happening here.
Speaker 1: These camps trick kids into doing work while the old
Speaker 1: folks have fun in the sun. It's wrong, it's despicable,
Speaker 1: and I want in Hey, kids, why waste your summer
Speaker 1: groping each other in the woods when you can learn
Speaker 1: a trade here a camp worker be You'll learn all
Speaker 1: sorts of skills, like mowing my lawn, doing my taxes,
Speaker 1: getting things that I point at, and as an elderly person,
Speaker 1: my clothes are old and frayed, so you'll also be
Speaker 1: doing some light setting about two hundred shirts an hour.
Speaker 1: Jack cronidas tomorrow. Don't spend the summer just sitting on
Speaker 1: your ass. Spend it. Wipe that by ass. It's summertime,
Speaker 1: that wonderful time of the year when the sun is out,
Speaker 1: kids are playing, and I sweat so much my shirt
Speaker 1: turns into a map of the Middle East. My nipple
Speaker 1: is the Gods's strip. You don't want to go anywhere
Speaker 1: near it. And on the hottest days, you have a
Speaker 1: few options. You can hidrate, you can stay indoors, or
Speaker 1: you could always go to the beach, but only if
Speaker 1: you wanna die.
Speaker 6: Sharks summertime clars encounters scarish has feet from shore.
Speaker 3: In South Carolina, a shark in knee deep water just
Speaker 3: feet away from swimmers, and in New Jersey, a sixteen
Speaker 3: foot great white feasting on a bag of bait before
Speaker 3: swimming away. This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as
Speaker 3: many attacks as they did all of last year, and
Speaker 3: just last week white was tracked near New York's Long Island.
Speaker 6: When a white shark bites a person, it is a
Speaker 6: mistake because it thinks that that person is a sealed.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, so if a white sharks biting you,
Speaker 1: it's a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught
Speaker 1: with just a little bit of weed, it goes to
Speaker 1: jail for life. That doesn't seem fair. And also, what
Speaker 1: do you mean if I get bitten, it's because I
Speaker 1: look like a seal. So now I'm getting eaten and
Speaker 1: body shamed. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Speaker 2: And if you're thinking, no.
Speaker 1: Problem, I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe, well,
Speaker 1: good luck, sucker.
Speaker 6: There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh
Speaker 6: eating bacteria found in warm waters. Potentially deadly bacteria can
Speaker 6: enter the body through a cutter of scrape. According to
Speaker 6: the CDC, the bacteria causes eighty thousand illnesses and one
Speaker 6: hundred deaths in the US every year.
Speaker 7: Just pay attention.
Speaker 4: Don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of
Speaker 4: what's going on.
Speaker 1: Be aware it's bacteria. What am I supposed to do?
Speaker 1: Snorkele with a microscope? At least with a shark, I
Speaker 1: can hear the fin and the jaws music. I can
Speaker 1: see the fin, But flesh eating bacteria is a silent killer.
Speaker 1: Like Jason, It's what I've always respected about him. He's
Speaker 1: in it for the stabbing, not the hit shack. Also,
Speaker 1: what's with these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that
Speaker 1: I don't want. How about with that of my leg?
Speaker 2: Why don't you guys.
Speaker 1: Take a nibble on my love handles? That way you
Speaker 1: still get to eat, and I don't look like a seal.
Speaker 1: So it's dangerous in the water. It's dangerous close to
Speaker 1: the water, and you think you're safe way up on
Speaker 1: the beach, you better duck.
Speaker 7: A warning about a surprising summer danger beach umbrellas flying
Speaker 7: through the.
Speaker 6: Air, seriously injuring beach goers.
Speaker 4: Jen Ocean City, Maryland. In twenty fifteen, a bystander filming
Speaker 4: as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them
Speaker 4: into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous.
Speaker 8: Over the last ten years, there have been reports of
Speaker 8: over thirty two thousand injuries related to umbrellas across the country.
Speaker 1: Did you see that it's an umbrella uprising? We always
Speaker 1: thought it was going to be the robots. We never
Speaker 1: suspected the umbrellas, and who can blame them for organizing?
Speaker 1: We treat them like shit. They only get pulled out
Speaker 1: in the extreme heat of the rain, We're never like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's a beautiful day, my umbrella deserves a walk. But
Speaker 1: on the pus side, if you survive an umbrella in Paling,
Speaker 1: at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again. Sell
Speaker 1: whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the
Speaker 1: beach once you dead. But don't worry, kids, you can
Speaker 1: just simulate the experience at home. Just turn off your
Speaker 1: air conditioning, stand in the tub with a peanut colada,
Speaker 1: and shove a fistful of sand up your ass. Happy summer, everybody,
Speaker 1: sever gost black, everyone hour a back.
Speaker 9: This whole week, much of the United States has been
Speaker 9: suffering through a heat wave, and if you've been stuck
Speaker 9: in it, please don't forget to drink water, stay inside
Speaker 9: and check in on your elderly neighbors because they might
Speaker 9: have air condition as you can steal. But if you've
Speaker 9: been hoping to cool down at the beach or at
Speaker 9: the pool, you might be out of luck.
Speaker 10: As summer heats up, some families are cleaning down in
Speaker 10: the water at their own risk. A major lifeguard shortage
Speaker 10: is leaving many beaches unguarded and pols understaffed, forcing some
Speaker 10: to close the American Lifeguard Association estimating one third of
Speaker 10: the nation's public pools are impacted. The shortage is caused
Speaker 10: by a wave of factors. Young people have plenty of
Speaker 10: other job options to choose from, and training courses were
Speaker 10: canceled during the pandemic. Some pools looking to pull in
Speaker 10: new lifeguards by upping salaries six flags. Saint Louis is
Speaker 10: offering eighteen dollars an hour to lifeguards plus a five
Speaker 10: hundred dollars bonus.
Speaker 9: Ooo, pools are closed for the summer. I wanna have
Speaker 9: no where pee, but yeah, pools and beaches are in
Speaker 9: big trouble because no he wants to be a lifeguard
Speaker 9: right now, which is surprising to me. I mean, you
Speaker 9: think every teenager would want this job. I mean you
Speaker 9: get to work on your tan, to relax dress code,
Speaker 9: and you get to make out with all those drowning people.
Speaker 7: You know.
Speaker 9: You know if you ask me, Americans are too soft.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 9: I saw the story and I was like, Americans are
Speaker 9: too soft. You won't swim because there's no lifeguard. Man,
Speaker 9: if you told an African parent that you won't swim
Speaker 9: without a lifeguard, they'd be like, Eh, do you know
Speaker 9: who is your lifeguard. Jesus, don't forget that, don't ever
Speaker 9: forget that. But this is a major problem, especially for
Speaker 9: pools that have to shut down because they can't find lifeguards. Luckily,
Speaker 9: though luckily, Leo Deblin has a solution for you.
Speaker 11: Are your beaches and pools clothes for the summer because
Speaker 11: of a lifeguard shortage. You just want to swim, but
Speaker 11: ain't nobody want to save your ass from a shot.
Speaker 11: We'll break out that swimsuit goomb the summer is that gone?
Speaker 11: Introducing Leo Devlin substitute lifeguard. It's a cardboard cut out
Speaker 11: of me that you can put up on the lifeguard chair.
Speaker 11: Guarantees that look real enough for the safety inspector as
Speaker 11: he's driving by. So now you can get back to
Speaker 11: doing what you love.
Speaker 7: He in the pool.
Speaker 11: Choose your lifeguard type from multiple Leo Devlin models. We
Speaker 11: have mister nice guy, the whistleblower and of course I
Speaker 11: told Jo asked, And if we start to drown, don't worry.
Speaker 11: All our lifeguards come with a built in speaker. That's
Speaker 11: got you covered. Someone else saved that dude, I just ay,
Speaker 11: So save your summer with the Leo Devlin substitute lifeguard.
Speaker 11: Hey for eighty five dollars. You can get that from
Speaker 11: the mama or.
Speaker 10: Substitutes like Naba.
Speaker 7: It's which could.
Speaker 8: Public swimming pools. They're how we drink pea from strangers.
Speaker 8: But chances are you've never been to a public swimming pool,
Speaker 8: which is too bad because America used to be full
Speaker 8: of them. But guess what came along and took them
Speaker 8: all away? That's right racism. See after World War One,
Speaker 8: public swimming pools became very popular. Cities across the country
Speaker 8: started building them. And these weren't just any pools. They
Speaker 8: had sand, grassy lawns. Some were even bigger than football
Speaker 8: fields and could hold ten thousand people, which I guess
Speaker 8: was supposed to be like a giant pool party, but
Speaker 8: that many people sharing the water just down nasty.
Speaker 1: What's up, y'all?
Speaker 10: This is dje cola.
Speaker 8: But back in the nineteen thirties people loved it. Going
Speaker 8: to the pool was as popular as going to the movies,
Speaker 8: which isn't saying much because movies back then suck. Every
Speaker 8: movie was about a man struggle to grow a full mustache.
Speaker 8: So America hung out at the public pool and said, unfortunately,
Speaker 8: black people weren't allowed into this national pool party. Cities
Speaker 8: didn't build pools and black neighborhoods, and white people didn't
Speaker 8: want us in their neighborhood pools. Partially, they were concerned
Speaker 8: about black men intermingling with white women in such a
Speaker 8: sexual atmosphere. I mean, I know it might it's that
Speaker 8: ridiculous to think of a public pool as a sexual atmosphere.
Speaker 8: But this was the nineteen twenty. They were seeing knees
Speaker 8: for the first time. I'm talking the top, the bottom,
Speaker 8: that little knuckle part in the middle, the whole circle.
Speaker 7: Woo have you seen these? Ah?
Speaker 8: So, lots of communities banned black people from swimming in
Speaker 8: white pools, and in some cities, like Pittsburgh, the police
Speaker 8: just let white swimmers literally beat black swimmers out of
Speaker 8: the water. At one pool in Saint Louis, white people
Speaker 8: got so violent beating black people that they eventually closed
Speaker 8: the whole pool for gud. Imagine being so racist that
Speaker 8: you get your own pool shut down, just sweating your
Speaker 8: balls off, like well, at least that black kid can't
Speaker 8: swim either, ha ha ha oh someone called the hospital.
Speaker 8: I think I got the heat drum. But all that
Speaker 8: changed with the Civil Rights Movement. You know how activists
Speaker 8: desegregated diners with sittings, Well they also desegregated public pools
Speaker 8: with weigh ins and dive ins. Although if you had
Speaker 8: just eaten, it was wait twenty minutes in and all
Speaker 8: this activism really pissed off. The racist protesters got arrested, beaten,
Speaker 8: and one hotel owner even dumped acid into his pool
Speaker 8: to get protesters out. Look at this piece of shit
Speaker 8: in this ugly ass suit, although back then wastes had
Speaker 8: to be that high because men kept all their racism
Speaker 8: in their gut. Unfortunately for the racists, the Civil Rights
Speaker 8: Movement secured passage of the Civil Rights Act and public
Speaker 8: pools were ordered to be de segregated. But since racists
Speaker 8: white people were no longer allowed to fight, they chose
Speaker 8: flight into the private swim club. Since the Civil Rights
Speaker 8: Act didn't apply to private membership clubs, white people could
Speaker 8: make their pools members only and make sure their members
Speaker 8: were as white as a bar of soap at a
Speaker 8: kid rock concert. I'm just kidding, there's no soap a
Speaker 8: kid rock concerts. From the nineteen fifties until today, cities
Speaker 8: shut down their public pools while private swim clubs and
Speaker 8: backyard pools popped up all over the United States, mostly
Speaker 8: in white suburbs. The legacy of this racism is the
Speaker 8: reason you can't walk through a suburb in the summertime
Speaker 8: without hearing ten kids looking for some full name Marco.
Speaker 8: It's been seven hundred years, Marco Bendet. And it's this
Speaker 8: legacy that has shaped the disparities around race and swimming today.
Speaker 8: Because of a lack of place as a swim, black
Speaker 8: people don't swim as much, and that means that black
Speaker 8: children are at a higher risk of drowning. But losing
Speaker 8: all these public pools hurt everybody else too. We could
Speaker 8: always spend in the hall time at the pool, but
Speaker 8: because of racism, the only public place we can go
Speaker 8: to cool off is the library. And nobody wants to
Speaker 8: see a sweto in the periodical's room. Which is why
Speaker 8: I say, let's bring public pools back America. Let's rebuild
Speaker 8: all those big ass pools, but this time with equal
Speaker 8: access for all. Then we can all swim together in
Speaker 8: peace and harmony and rub sunscreen on each other's knees.
Speaker 12: Ice cream vacations, long walks on the beach, hate all
Speaker 12: that shit.
Speaker 7: What can it? Prove me wrong? Summer editions? Summer is
Speaker 7: the worst season. Proved me wrong?
Speaker 13: Well, I would say summer is the season where everyone's
Speaker 13: the happiest. During the summer, everyone gets to come outside.
Speaker 7: Everybody's shirt turns into.
Speaker 13: But during the summer, when everyone's sweaty and gross, everyone's
Speaker 13: whatdy engross. We're all equal during the summer.
Speaker 7: So you're making a Marxist argument for BO during summer.
Speaker 12: Yeah, pretty much.
Speaker 7: Yeah, sorry, this is the free world. The top one
Speaker 7: percent should not have BO.
Speaker 9: How do you smell?
Speaker 7: Go ahead, smell me. I dare you smell the shit
Speaker 7: right now? You smell like me?
Speaker 3: Se you we're the same.
Speaker 7: That's not a compliment. Pulls are better than oceans. Proved
Speaker 7: me wrong.
Speaker 8: Pull's a stinky They have nasty people that go in there.
Speaker 7: They just getting it.
Speaker 8: They funky bodies, and it's sweaty cells and it's PLoP
Speaker 8: up in there.
Speaker 7: Yeah, you think people don't pee and poop in the ocean.
Speaker 7: It is not just people, by the way. You think
Speaker 7: whales are coming on land to take a shit, Yeah,
Speaker 7: if they want to, They're not shitting in the ocean.
Speaker 7: It's whales jellyfish, seals, it's octopus, it's everything in there
Speaker 7: is just shitting into your mouth. Oceans are just poles
Speaker 7: that are trying to kill you. Give me shocks. Sightings
Speaker 7: have been here this last week. There's five Like, did
Speaker 7: you see the shark? No? Interesting? Interesting? Oh so your
Speaker 7: argument is I didn't see the sharks, so therefore the
Speaker 7: ocean is safe. Good look out there.
Speaker 12: I've never seen a shark at myself, So.
Speaker 7: Denial food from the from pools. Either there's no fish
Speaker 7: in woods, but in the ocean, I'd be sustaining myself
Speaker 7: fresh coconuts, fresh fish. You can't eat anything near the ocean.
Speaker 7: Sand gets in it. Put your money where your mouth fish.
Speaker 7: This is food. This is your food on the beach.
Speaker 7: Not good enough for you. Okay, I got some bad
Speaker 7: news for you. There's no protein insand thanks for the fries.
Speaker 7: Thanks bro. Pigeons are better than seagulls. Prove me wrong.
Speaker 13: Kitchens are literal like rats with wings. Genetically they used
Speaker 13: to beat white, but the I'm out of like Darwinism,
Speaker 13: and like after all these years, they actually turn black
Speaker 13: to adapt to like certain environments, and they're so gross.
Speaker 7: Why do you have to make this racial. I'll talk
Speaker 7: about pigeons as a seagulls not why. How much Info
Speaker 7: Wars do you watch? No?
Speaker 13: But it's like it's over time, like they start genetically
Speaker 13: they used to be white, but genetically.
Speaker 7: Over time they like people have been canceled for less
Speaker 7: than that. Those are gross, wrong, wire popsicles gross. I
Speaker 7: don't need to watch someone for late a dessert eating
Speaker 7: as er as gross enough. At least you can't deep
Speaker 7: throw it.
Speaker 14: I'm sorry. It prepares you for life. That's a lot
Speaker 14: of work and there's lots of instances where you have
Speaker 14: to do things similarly to eating a popsicle.
Speaker 7: Do you work in show business? No? But popsicles are
Speaker 7: good man.
Speaker 6: You got all the different kinds of flavors, like what
Speaker 6: fifty to fifty bars?
Speaker 7: You got red an original pop, sole got bomb pops.
Speaker 7: I know those are flavors. Okay, so you tell me
Speaker 7: what flavor that is.
Speaker 14: This is great and I absolutely love it. Everybody hates
Speaker 14: on it, but it's so good.
Speaker 7: Grapes don't taste like that in real life. Okay. The
Speaker 7: guy who created the flavor grape clearly has never had
Speaker 7: a great bit before. Yeah. See, no, that's you ate
Speaker 7: it like a pelican. You didn't even chew it. How
Speaker 7: did you do that? It's sticking to your beard now?
Speaker 7: Oh oh that's so good. Yeah, see that's no man.
Speaker 7: Popsicles on? Gross? You are gross? Which wrong?
Speaker 1: What you got against popsicles?
Speaker 7: Mess? They make my hands stick?
Speaker 1: Why you don't eat it fast enough? Yeah, you can't
Speaker 1: put it in your mouth fast enough.
Speaker 7: Why don't you demonstrate right now? Oh yeah, okay, that's
Speaker 7: very experience.
Speaker 1: No mass looking, no mess. You still have my lip
Speaker 1: closs on?
Speaker 7: Okay, you know what that was? Actually, as much as
Speaker 7: I want to hate on that, it was actually pretty impressive.
Speaker 7: I feel like you actually did prove me wrong. So
Speaker 7: you know what.
Speaker 1: What's happening all right? Is that what I win?
Speaker 7: You get to wear the golden thong. You have now
Speaker 7: earned the right to take my place behind them, provem
Speaker 7: my own thu. You've clearly proven me wrong. That's what
Speaker 7: happens when you prove me wrong. Not to take over. No,
Speaker 7: you gotta take my place now. It's our highlander. You're right,
Speaker 7: now take my spot.
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Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast