1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,960 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can 3 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:12,160 Speaker 1: experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city 4 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It 5 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,439 Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:25,079 Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, 7 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,159 Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to 8 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences 9 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. 11 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get 12 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 1: yours today. You're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't 13 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,440 Speaker 1: fix what's broken inside them. That's their work to do. 14 00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:03,000 Speaker 1: You're not responsible for their unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits, 15 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:09,200 Speaker 1: not their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger. 16 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:14,040 Speaker 1: The reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt 17 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:18,840 Speaker 1: that isn't yours. The number one health and wellness podcast. 18 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 2: Jay Shetty Jay Sheddy, Hey everyone, welcome back to On 19 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,040 Speaker 2: Purpose the place you come to listen, learn and grow. 20 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 1: I'm your host, Jay Sheddy, and today we're talking about 21 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:38,840 Speaker 1: the things you're not responsible for. I don't know about you, 22 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 1: but I feel like we all carry and feel responsible 23 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 1: for more than we can hold. Sometimes the weight feels 24 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: so heavy, and we're trying to carry our parents' expectations, 25 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 1: We're trying to carry the responsibilities that we have on 26 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: a day to day basis. We're trying to carry people's 27 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: emotions and feelings and pain, and it can often feel 28 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:06,560 Speaker 1: like it's just weighing so heavy, and at the end 29 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,120 Speaker 1: of trying to carry all of this, you just feel 30 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,360 Speaker 1: like falling and breaking down. I'm sure you felt the 31 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,280 Speaker 1: same way, where you feel like the weight you're carrying 32 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: is getting heavier every single year. And the weight of 33 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 1: people's expectations, opinions, obligations, whatever it may be, never ever stops. 34 00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:33,919 Speaker 1: In fact, it just continues to grow and accelerate as 35 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 1: time goes on. As you listen to this episode today, 36 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: I want it to be freeing. I want you to 37 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:46,640 Speaker 1: feel lighter, I want you to feel liberated. As you 38 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: listen to this episode, I want you to feel like 39 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: you can actually move and think and have space to create, 40 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:58,080 Speaker 1: because what we don't realize is when we feel responsible 41 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,560 Speaker 1: for things that we don't need to be responsible for, 42 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: we are blocked. Our creativity is blocked, our passions are blocked, 43 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 1: our time is blocked. So much of our intuition is 44 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:19,320 Speaker 1: blocked because we're making space and room for everything else. 45 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 1: So the first thing that I want to talk about, 46 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 1: the first thing you're not responsible for is other people's feelings. 47 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: You can respect them, but their emotional reactions aren't yours 48 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 1: to carry or fix. You can be kind to people, 49 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 1: but people will still feel hurt. You can be present 50 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 1: with people, but they can still feel distant. You can 51 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:57,800 Speaker 1: be thoughtful, but people will still feel unheard. You are 52 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:03,000 Speaker 1: not responsible for other people's feelings. I remember being that 53 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 1: person where I would overanalyze every text, every email, every message, 54 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 1: every interaction to say things perfectly, to say things in 55 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: a way that there would be no opportunity for misinterpretation 56 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:24,840 Speaker 1: or fall out. And guess what, people were still upset. 57 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:29,479 Speaker 1: People were still hurt. Not because I wanted them to 58 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 1: be hurt, if anything, I was trying to avoid that. 59 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:37,200 Speaker 1: But I found that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. 60 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 1: If someone wants to be hurt, they'll be hurt no 61 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 1: matter what you say. If someone wants to be mad 62 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,839 Speaker 1: at you, they'll be mad at you no matter what 63 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: you say. If someone wants to feel upset with you, 64 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: they'll feel upset with you no matter what you say 65 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:00,599 Speaker 1: or do. If someone has made their mind up about 66 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 1: how they feel about you, there is nothing you can 67 00:05:04,279 --> 00:05:08,120 Speaker 1: do to fix it. You can be kind, you can 68 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 1: be respectful, you can try, but you can't be responsible 69 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 1: for their feelings. Because why if you're responsible for their feelings, 70 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 1: your time, your energy starts to follow theirs. If they're 71 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:24,479 Speaker 1: in a good mood, you're in a good mood. If 72 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 1: they're in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood. 73 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,839 Speaker 1: If they're high energy, your high energy. If they're low energy, 74 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: you're low energy. Constantly we feel our highs and lows 75 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 1: are mirroring the highs and lows of the person we're 76 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,640 Speaker 1: tied to. Often, the hardest people to do this with 77 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:44,840 Speaker 1: is our parents. We feel responsible for our parents' feelings. 78 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: So when your parents going through something really, really difficult, 79 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,880 Speaker 1: maybe they're going through a transition, maybe they're going through 80 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,239 Speaker 1: a shift or a change, and all of a sudden. 81 00:05:55,880 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 1: Not only are you constantly thinking about their feelings, you 82 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:05,479 Speaker 1: feel responsible for them. You feel it's your job to 83 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,159 Speaker 1: make today a great day for them. You try and 84 00:06:08,279 --> 00:06:11,440 Speaker 1: change everything, You change your whole routine, You call them 85 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,200 Speaker 1: first thing in the morning, you put aside other tasks. 86 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,160 Speaker 1: And by the way, this is all well intentioned and 87 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 1: it's a beautiful act of love. But what we don't 88 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 1: realize is we haven't helped them develop the emotional skills 89 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:31,359 Speaker 1: and tools they need. You're trying to be a mood shifter, 90 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,600 Speaker 1: a mood changer for that person, rather than putting the 91 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 1: control in their hand. It's almost like saying, hey, I'll 92 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,359 Speaker 1: decide what to watch watch tonight. Hey I'll decide what 93 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,159 Speaker 1: to order tonight. And sure, it can be great to 94 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: create that space in the short term, but long term, 95 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,720 Speaker 1: the goal is to equip that person with the ability 96 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:57,839 Speaker 1: to make choices about their own feelings. Trust me when 97 00:06:57,839 --> 00:07:00,960 Speaker 1: I say this, This is not about being hard hearted. 98 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,080 Speaker 1: It's not about not caring. It's not about not loving 99 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 1: someone you really, really love. It's about recognizing that real 100 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 1: love is helping someone learn how to choose their feelings 101 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 1: and emotions. You're not helping someone if you're deabilitating them, 102 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,080 Speaker 1: you're not helping someone if they're dependent on you to 103 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 1: feel good. If someone's dependent on you to feel good, 104 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:34,119 Speaker 1: you have not helped them. You've stalled them. Think about 105 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,920 Speaker 1: that for a second. If someone is dependent on you 106 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 1: to feel happy, you have not helped them, You've actually 107 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: hurt them, because that means when you're not available, when 108 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,680 Speaker 1: you're not accessible, when you're not capable, when you don't 109 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 1: have time or space, that person can't find that joy. 110 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: I'm sure that's not what you want for them. So 111 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,960 Speaker 1: we don't want to feel respect responsible for other people's feelings. 112 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: We want to feel connected in helping them, supporting them, 113 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: being there for them, but not responsible, because when you're 114 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,520 Speaker 1: responsible for it, you then take it into your own 115 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 1: life and start to carry it. The second thing you're 116 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:26,840 Speaker 1: not responsible for is how people perceive you. You can 117 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 1: say everything right and people will still think you're wrong. 118 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 1: You can speak the truth and people will still think 119 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:42,800 Speaker 1: you're lying. You can try to explain yourself and people 120 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:49,280 Speaker 1: will still misunderstand you. You are not responsible for how 121 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,120 Speaker 1: people perceive you. They might base it off a first 122 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: impression something someone else said, something they heard. If someone 123 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 1: chooses to perceive you based on another person's opinion of you, 124 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,439 Speaker 1: that means they don't want to get to know you. 125 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,680 Speaker 1: Let me say that again. If someone bases their perception 126 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 1: of you based on how another person perceives you, they 127 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: don't actually want to get to know you. If someone 128 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:28,240 Speaker 1: told you that someone else was lazy, disorganized, and you 129 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,199 Speaker 1: take their word for it, it means you don't want 130 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 1: to make the time or the energy to actually get 131 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: to know that person, because chances are if you did 132 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,000 Speaker 1: get to know them, you might realize that, just like 133 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,760 Speaker 1: all of us, they're lazy in some ways, but they're 134 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: organized in other ways. So if we're using people as 135 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:52,840 Speaker 1: our shortcuts to learn about people, then guess what, we 136 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:56,080 Speaker 1: don't want to deeply get to know that person. So 137 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:59,640 Speaker 1: you're not responsible for how people perceive you because people 138 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:03,560 Speaker 1: will p see you through all sorts of ways. Think 139 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:07,800 Speaker 1: about this for a second. What's the one word someone 140 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 1: would use to describe you if they saw you but 141 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:19,920 Speaker 1: didn't speak to you. Second question, how would someone describe 142 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,560 Speaker 1: you in one word if they spoke to you for 143 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,719 Speaker 1: a few minutes. Now, imagine if someone spoke to you 144 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,800 Speaker 1: for a few hours. I'm guessing. There's a big difference 145 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: in how someone perceives you when they see you and 146 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,800 Speaker 1: don't speak to you, when they speak to you for 147 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,600 Speaker 1: a few minutes, and when they speak to you for 148 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 1: a few hours. That's definitely true for me, right. I 149 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 1: feel like if someone saw me, they may have a 150 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,720 Speaker 1: certain perception. If someone spoke to me for a few minutes, 151 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 1: they'll have another perception. And if someone spend hours or 152 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 1: months or years with me, they'll have a different perception. 153 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,760 Speaker 1: How can you possibly be responsible for how people perceive 154 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:04,480 Speaker 1: you when the way people see you is the way 155 00:11:04,559 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 1: they see the world. The way people see you is 156 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 1: how they often look at themselves. The way people see 157 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:18,720 Speaker 1: you is how they've felt seen or unseen in the past. 158 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:23,040 Speaker 1: The way people see you is based on someone else 159 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: they met that was kind of like you. There are 160 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,960 Speaker 1: so many touch points as to how someone deciphers and 161 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 1: decides how they perceive you. You could try and be 162 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 1: really nice and someone will say they're trying too hard. 163 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: You could be a little stand offish and people will say, oh, 164 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 1: they're really distant and absent. You could try and be 165 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,679 Speaker 1: really interested and curious and people will say they ask 166 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,640 Speaker 1: too many questions you could be a little more introverted, 167 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,720 Speaker 1: and people say, oh, they suck the energy out of 168 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:03,439 Speaker 1: the room. How people will perceive your silence is different. 169 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 1: Some people perceive it as a strength, as a power. 170 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 1: Some people perceive it as a weakness. I really understood 171 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:18,400 Speaker 1: this when I lived in the monastery and we were 172 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 1: exposed to this idea of humility, and humility was seen 173 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:27,360 Speaker 1: as the number one quality that humans could aspire for. 174 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,840 Speaker 1: But today when people demonstrate humility, people often think of 175 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: it as low self esteem, or they think of it 176 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,240 Speaker 1: as low self worth. They don't value it. They value 177 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 1: someone who's got a bit of swag, who's got a 178 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:43,200 Speaker 1: bit of confidence. But for the monks, humility is the 179 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 1: greatest sign of confidence. The ability to accept what you 180 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,680 Speaker 1: know and what you don't know, to be honest about 181 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:54,400 Speaker 1: your strength and your weaknesses, to be clear about what 182 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: you're good at and what you're bad at. That's reality. 183 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,360 Speaker 1: But today we reward people feel confident all the time, 184 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,320 Speaker 1: people who look like they have it all together. Perception 185 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,960 Speaker 1: is also different all across the world, and how we 186 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 1: receive people's praise and perception is fascinating. I remember looking 187 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:18,240 Speaker 1: at a case study of the performance company Des Silas. 188 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 1: You might have even heard of them, or you might 189 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 1: have even been to see a show. In some parts 190 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:28,760 Speaker 1: of the world, when the acrobats would jump through a hoop, 191 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,920 Speaker 1: triple flip backwards, land on their feet, fall through a 192 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 1: hoop of fire, the audience would go crazy. The audience 193 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:44,040 Speaker 1: would be applauding, praising, shouting, screaming, losing it, and the 194 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 1: acrobats would feel acknowledged and seen. And in some other 195 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:52,959 Speaker 1: cultures around the world, the acrobats would finish a show 196 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 1: and feel like they flopped. They'd feel like they failed. 197 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:04,040 Speaker 1: Why because the audience didn't clap is loud, the audience 198 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,640 Speaker 1: didn't shout as loud, the audience didn't scream is loud. 199 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 1: But here's the fascinating thing about that. When De Slay, 200 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,199 Speaker 1: when it did some studies on this, they realized certain 201 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: cultures don't show their emotions and their praise as expressively. 202 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: Someone could be clapping like this and feel the same 203 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: level of excitement as someone who's on their seat, jumping 204 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,200 Speaker 1: and shouting. They actually had to train the acrobats to 205 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:43,720 Speaker 1: realize that different cultures express appreciation differently. Some cultures had 206 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,119 Speaker 1: the ability to be so expressive, to be so emphatic, 207 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 1: to be so verbally congratulatory that they'd feel it, but 208 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: they had to give the same performance when the audience 209 00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 1: didn't respond that way. This is one of the challenges 210 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 1: about how people perceive us. If you feel responsible for 211 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:10,960 Speaker 1: how people perceive you, you will always be performing, You 212 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 1: will always be on a stage. You will never feel 213 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:19,040 Speaker 1: you can take the mask off. You will feel like 214 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 1: every word you say, and every act, and every thought 215 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 1: and every behavior is under scrutiny. This is known as 216 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 1: the spotlight effect, where you feel that your whole life 217 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: is constantly being analyzed. So before someone else can analyze you, 218 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:41,240 Speaker 1: you analyze yourself. You feel to yourself, you edit yourself, 219 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 1: you overthink yourself, and now guess what, you get more 220 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: and more distant from the person you are. You're not 221 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 1: responsible for how other people perceive you. I couldn't be 222 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,520 Speaker 1: more excited to share something truly special with all your 223 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,120 Speaker 1: TA lovers out there. 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So 240 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 1: visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey 241 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 1: and use code on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off 242 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:15,880 Speaker 1: your first order. That's drink Jauni dot com and make 243 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 1: sure you use the code on purpose. The third thing 244 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:26,720 Speaker 1: you're not responsible for is fixing people's problems. You can 245 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 1: offer support, but you can't solve it. You can be patient, 246 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 1: but you can't take away their pain. You can be helpful, 247 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,879 Speaker 1: but you can't fix the Number one reason most of 248 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,320 Speaker 1: us want to fix other people's problems is to make 249 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 1: ourselves feel better. It's the harsh truth, but we all 250 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 1: know it's real. I feel that way as well. I 251 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:58,239 Speaker 1: spent years trying to solve and fix people's problems. I 252 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,800 Speaker 1: cared for them, I love them. I didn't want them 253 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: to feel pain. What did I actually do? I stole 254 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:11,640 Speaker 1: their ability to solve their own problems. I took away 255 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:16,440 Speaker 1: their independence and strength to deal with what they were 256 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:20,080 Speaker 1: going through. I thought it was either aw either I'm 257 00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:23,800 Speaker 1: on the sidelines or I'm fully deep in there trying 258 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:28,920 Speaker 1: to save them, not realizing that it required a bit 259 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:33,720 Speaker 1: from them, It required them to find themselves. Now, this 260 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,680 Speaker 1: doesn't mean I need to hide from them. It didn't 261 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 1: mean I need to distance myself for them. It means 262 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:43,320 Speaker 1: I need to understand the difference between support and solution. 263 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,160 Speaker 1: We need to understand the difference between focusing your energy 264 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 1: and trying to fix. When you get lost trying to 265 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: fix someone else's problems, you're rattling off all these solutions, 266 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,200 Speaker 1: all these multiple steps they can take, and maybe they'll 267 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,000 Speaker 1: be lucky if they can take it. What we don't 268 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 1: get too often is the root of why they can't 269 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 1: solve it. You could give someone all the best solutions 270 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:14,720 Speaker 1: in the world and they could still make no shift, 271 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 1: because what's blocking them is their own belief in themselves. 272 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,119 Speaker 1: What's blocking them is them worrying about what people think. 273 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,479 Speaker 1: What's blocking them is them worrying about how they're going 274 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: to be seen, how they're going to be looked at. 275 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,920 Speaker 1: I was talking to a friend the other day and 276 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:38,359 Speaker 1: it dawned on me how many people are scared to 277 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 1: put up a post or a video or a piece 278 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,439 Speaker 1: of content because they're worried about what their friends will think. 279 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,360 Speaker 1: You can fix their problem by solving it, sending them 280 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:50,040 Speaker 1: all the videos, giving them advice, whatever it may be, 281 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 1: but that's the root of their issue. You may have 282 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,520 Speaker 1: a family member who wants to be healthier, and you're 283 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 1: sending them everything. Here's the article, here's the podcast, here's 284 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,120 Speaker 1: the block, here's the everything, and that person just feels 285 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:07,240 Speaker 1: overwhelmed by the information because what they need to do 286 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:11,679 Speaker 1: is take one step not catch up with you. I 287 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: was saying this to a friend this morning on a walk. 288 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,879 Speaker 1: We were talking about why it often feels like it 289 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:22,800 Speaker 1: takes people around us so long to understand us, and 290 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,879 Speaker 1: I was sharing this analogy with him. I said to him, 291 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:30,080 Speaker 1: it's like when you've just finished watching season four of 292 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:32,880 Speaker 1: an amazing show and you're telling all your friends, Hey, 293 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,000 Speaker 1: you need to watch this show. It's amazing, I love it, 294 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,080 Speaker 1: it's incredible, and now they've got to spend all that 295 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: time catching up. So you're at season four, you've finished it, 296 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:46,040 Speaker 1: and they're at season one, and not everyone is going 297 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,719 Speaker 1: to go on that journey with you. So you're not 298 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: responsible to fix everyone's problems. You can only tell them 299 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,280 Speaker 1: what could work. But you can't fix it. That person 300 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,080 Speaker 1: has to watch the show right, that person has to 301 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:00,800 Speaker 1: make the time, the person has to commit to all 302 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,080 Speaker 1: the episodes of the show. And that's entertainment, let alone growth. 303 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:08,919 Speaker 1: So I can't fix it. I can't solve it for you. 304 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,680 Speaker 1: You have to put in work. And often we'll sit 305 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,560 Speaker 1: there and we'll just be sitting there, going, how do 306 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,760 Speaker 1: I fix this? What do I do? What can I say? 307 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,919 Speaker 1: What can I do? What is the perfect thing I 308 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,359 Speaker 1: can say. I used to have a client who used 309 00:21:19,359 --> 00:21:21,480 Speaker 1: to say that to me all the time and say, Jay, 310 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 1: you always say the perfect thing. Can you teach me 311 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:28,520 Speaker 1: how to always say the perfect thing? And I remember 312 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 1: saying to me, I said, first of all, I don't 313 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,880 Speaker 1: always say the perfect thing, and if I do, it's 314 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: because I'm present. It's not because I'm trying to say 315 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 1: the perfect thing. You don't say the right thing because 316 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,919 Speaker 1: you're trying to say the right thing. You say the 317 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:46,280 Speaker 1: right thing because you're so conscious, aligned, and present in 318 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,720 Speaker 1: that moment that you can truly resonate with that person. 319 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:59,200 Speaker 1: Number four, You are not responsible for living up to others' expectations. 320 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 1: Guess what, you never will. Even if you try to 321 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:10,040 Speaker 1: live up to other people's expectations, you never will. You 322 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 1: will let people down, even if you try your hardest 323 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:22,080 Speaker 1: not to. They'll be disappointed, they'll be disheartened, even if 324 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:26,800 Speaker 1: you try your best. Because the truth is, we can't 325 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: read anyone's mind, and no one can read ours. It's 326 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: not possible for me to check off every box of 327 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,280 Speaker 1: the expectation you have. How many of you have ever 328 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,240 Speaker 1: tried to plan something for a family member or friend, 329 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:43,119 Speaker 1: Maybe it's a surprise birthday. Maybe it's getting a gift. 330 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:47,600 Speaker 1: Maybe it's a vacation or a getaway, and maybe you 331 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,800 Speaker 1: tried to plan it meticulously, but there was something along 332 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: the way that person said, Oh, that flight was too long. Ah, 333 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:58,800 Speaker 1: the hotel bed wasn't comfortable. Oh you know, like I 334 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,840 Speaker 1: like that music, but it's not my favorite type. Oh 335 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,480 Speaker 1: you know, I don't really love chocolate cake. You know, 336 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,720 Speaker 1: whatever it is like, you couldn't possibly know everyone's preference, 337 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,680 Speaker 1: and we feel very responsible to live up to other 338 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:18,840 Speaker 1: people's expectations. Some people expect you to get a certain job, 339 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:23,040 Speaker 1: so you chase it your whole life, only to realize 340 00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:26,280 Speaker 1: it's not the job you want. Some people want you 341 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,400 Speaker 1: to find a certain partner, so you chase a particular 342 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,479 Speaker 1: type of partner, only to realize you have nothing in 343 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,639 Speaker 1: common with them. Some people in your life will expect 344 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: you to have children, and you may have children because 345 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,919 Speaker 1: of that expectation, only to realize you weren't ready to 346 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:45,159 Speaker 1: be a parent. When you pursue and chase things that 347 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,840 Speaker 1: other people expect of you, even if you get them, 348 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,920 Speaker 1: they won't be happy, and neither will you. How can 349 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,800 Speaker 1: you be happy chasing someone else's priority. How could you 350 00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: ever be joyful? Chasing someone else is life? So don't 351 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,760 Speaker 1: feel responsible for other people's expectations, because those are the 352 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:13,920 Speaker 1: expectations they often had of themselves. Sometimes it's not even 353 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,360 Speaker 1: that they want you to have a good career. They 354 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,320 Speaker 1: want to be friends with someone who has a good career. 355 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,399 Speaker 1: They want to be able to tell their friends that 356 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,919 Speaker 1: you're having a child, that you're getting married, whatever it 357 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:29,200 Speaker 1: may be. I remember not going to my graduation ceremony. 358 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,520 Speaker 1: I graduated, but I didn't go to the event where 359 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,199 Speaker 1: you get the scroll and you wear the hat and 360 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: all the rest of it. And my mom never got 361 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,639 Speaker 1: that picture. And I remember my mom would say to me, 362 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,520 Speaker 1: she said, all my friends have pictures of their kids graduating. 363 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,400 Speaker 1: I don't have a picture of you graduating. And it's 364 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 1: a really really interesting thought because it was this expectation 365 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 1: she had to me. Now, it's not the biggest deal, 366 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:58,119 Speaker 1: and my mom's wonderful, but there's that feeling that I 367 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,760 Speaker 1: would have had to either be at my graduation or 368 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,159 Speaker 1: at that point I was living as a monk in India. 369 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:07,359 Speaker 1: And now when I look back at that, I think, wow, 370 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,879 Speaker 1: it's so obvious. I made the right decision. But if 371 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,640 Speaker 1: I tried to live up to our expectation, I would 372 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 1: have made the wrong choice. I remember growing up, my 373 00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:18,960 Speaker 1: parents really wanted me to study sciences. They would have 374 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,760 Speaker 1: loved for me to study biology and chemistry and physics, 375 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:26,400 Speaker 1: and instead that I studied art in design and economics 376 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 1: and sociology and philosophy, and those were the subjects I 377 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: was attracted to. And now when I look back, I think, 378 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,159 Speaker 1: wait a minute, if I would have lived up to 379 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: their expectation, I would have been further away from myself. 380 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:45,480 Speaker 1: The closer you get to living up to other people's expectations, 381 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,159 Speaker 1: the further away you are from yourself. The closer you 382 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:56,960 Speaker 1: get to checking off everyone else's list, the further away 383 00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 1: you are from knowing what's on yours. The closer you 384 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:06,320 Speaker 1: get to winning in the eyes of others, the further 385 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,880 Speaker 1: away you are from winning in your own eyes. We're 386 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:15,600 Speaker 1: actually losing. You lose a part of yourself when you 387 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:20,719 Speaker 1: try to meet someone else's expectation of you that you 388 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:27,720 Speaker 1: don't value. Stop feeling like you're responsible for other people's expectations. 389 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,640 Speaker 1: Those expectations come from their expectations of their own, their 390 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 1: expectations of their life, the expectations they adopted from their parents, 391 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:41,560 Speaker 1: the expectations that they've adopted from their community. And make 392 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,639 Speaker 1: sure that the expectations you're setting are the ones you 393 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:50,560 Speaker 1: want to commit your life to. Number five, You're not 394 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:57,160 Speaker 1: responsible for how others decide to treat you. Their mood 395 00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:03,000 Speaker 1: isn't your job. Their actions aren't your fault. You don't 396 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:08,240 Speaker 1: have to manage someone else's bad day. Their behavior is 397 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,880 Speaker 1: about them. It doesn't say anything about who you are. 398 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:18,240 Speaker 1: You're not responsible for making someone else grow up. Maturity 399 00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:21,680 Speaker 1: is their journey. You don't have to carry that burden. 400 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 1: I think often we feel very very responsible for how 401 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 1: people treat us. We feel that the way they behave 402 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:35,159 Speaker 1: with us is a sign of who we are. I 403 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:38,480 Speaker 1: was speaking to someone last week who said the person 404 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,680 Speaker 1: that broke up with them has made them feel like 405 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,320 Speaker 1: they're not lovable. I was speaking to someone else a 406 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:50,879 Speaker 1: couple of months ago, and they were saying that their 407 00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 1: manager is making them feel like they don't have any value. 408 00:27:57,119 --> 00:28:00,879 Speaker 1: And the reality is, if you have a relationship with someone, 409 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,720 Speaker 1: it's worth checking. I want to understand where this is 410 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:09,199 Speaker 1: coming from. I want to recognize and know if the 411 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:13,879 Speaker 1: way you're treating me, where's it coming from? What's beneath this? 412 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:19,600 Speaker 1: Because usually you'll find some people don't have a good 413 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:23,840 Speaker 1: reason at all. They were angry, they were tired, they 414 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:29,679 Speaker 1: were exhausted, and you were receiving their anger, their exhaustion, 415 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,919 Speaker 1: and their fatigue. You weren't receiving what you deserved. You 416 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,840 Speaker 1: were receiving what they were dealing with because they didn't 417 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:42,640 Speaker 1: give themselves the rest they deserved. Think about that for 418 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:48,040 Speaker 1: a second. You were receiving not what you deserved, but 419 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:53,719 Speaker 1: you were receiving what they were experiencing. People don't treat 420 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,920 Speaker 1: you how you deserve to be treated. They treat you 421 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:03,239 Speaker 1: how they treat themselves. The way people treat you is 422 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,600 Speaker 1: not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of how 423 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:12,480 Speaker 1: they see themselves and what they're feeling. The way people 424 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:18,320 Speaker 1: treat you shows you how that person is living right now, 425 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:24,800 Speaker 1: not how you're performing. You can't be responsible for how 426 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,760 Speaker 1: others decide to treat you, because then you'd be responsible 427 00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,160 Speaker 1: for their entire life. You'd have to manage their morning, 428 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:37,120 Speaker 1: their evening, their day, their relationships. You'd have to manage 429 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:41,080 Speaker 1: everything in order to hope that they treat you right, 430 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:43,960 Speaker 1: and sometimes maybe even if we do that, we try 431 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,280 Speaker 1: and overmanage, We try and over monitor, we try and 432 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,280 Speaker 1: over control someone to hope that they'll treat us better, 433 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:53,280 Speaker 1: only to realize nothing changes, and then we wonder, why 434 00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:58,000 Speaker 1: is nothing changing. I'm doing everything right well because there's 435 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,560 Speaker 1: something internally that person's going through that we don't have 436 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 1: control over. So I want this episode to be a reminder. 437 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 1: You're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't fix what's 438 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 1: broken inside them. That's their work to do. You're not 439 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:25,440 Speaker 1: responsible for their unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits, not 440 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:30,800 Speaker 1: their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger. 441 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:35,640 Speaker 1: The reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt 442 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:40,560 Speaker 1: that isn't yours. You're not responsible for someone else's happiness. 443 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 1: Their joy isn't your job. You've got your own heart 444 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:48,640 Speaker 1: to take care of, and you're not responsible for other 445 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:54,360 Speaker 1: people misunderstanding you. You don't have to prove yourself. Your 446 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:59,000 Speaker 1: truth is enough, and you're not responsible for making them 447 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:04,480 Speaker 1: respect your balls hungrys. Set them clearly and firmly. Enforcing 448 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: them isn't selfish, it's necessary, and you're not responsible for 449 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:15,080 Speaker 1: anyone else's approval. Their validation doesn't define you, because you're 450 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:19,640 Speaker 1: already enough exactly as you are. I hope you'll pass 451 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:23,560 Speaker 1: this episode on because sometimes we just need these reminders, 452 00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,520 Speaker 1: because we're all carrying that weight, and I hope this 453 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 1: frees up yours. Thank you for listening on purpose, Leave 454 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:35,400 Speaker 1: a review, Share this episode with a friend, and remember 455 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. 456 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:43,480 Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode 457 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,720 Speaker 1: with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how 458 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,160 Speaker 1: to speak to yourself with more compassion. 459 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:54,280 Speaker 2: My fears are only going to continue to show me 460 00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:57,560 Speaker 2: what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears, 461 00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:01,240 Speaker 2: the more that I feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom, 462 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,040 Speaker 2: and I just want to keep doing that