WEBVTT - Ask Me Anything: Healing Edition 0:00:09.240 --> 0:00:13.240 Hi everyone, I'm Rachel Zoe and you're listening to Climbing 0:00:13.320 --> 0:00:16.800 in Heels for your weekly dose of glamour inspiration and 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:21.360 of course fun. Well, it is finally the last week 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:25.119 of January, which has felt maybe a thousand days long 0:00:25.360 --> 0:00:30.319 in counting. I recently posted and asked me anything on 0:00:30.360 --> 0:00:32.680 my Instagram because I hadn't done one in a while, 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:37.560 and I wanted to focus on the topic of healing. 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:41.519 And what's interesting is I actually was not pertaining to 0:00:41.760 --> 0:00:46.840 my personal life. I was actually really wanting to address 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:50.279 the pain that everybody was feeling here in Los Angeles 0:00:50.360 --> 0:00:53.600 and the fires, you know, and there's so much going 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:57.279 on in the world that I posted the question as 0:00:57.280 --> 0:00:59.520 a way to connect with my followers on you know, 0:00:59.640 --> 0:01:02.600 just how everyone's feeling and kind of share any advice 0:01:02.680 --> 0:01:06.160 that felt appropriate. Well, to say that I was completely 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:11.760 blown away is an absolute understatement. I got a lot, 0:01:12.440 --> 0:01:17.119 a lot of questions, an overwhelming amount of questions about 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:20.360 my personal life and how it's changed in the last 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:25.240 six months. I don't think I was planning on talking 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:27.679 about my personal life at all, but I think in 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:31.200 the moment it felt right, and to be honest, it 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:35.840 was too much to actually type, and I just felt 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:39.679 like talking to you guys directly felt, or as much 0:01:39.720 --> 0:01:44.479 as you can virtually talk directly, really felt more appropriate 0:01:44.920 --> 0:01:48.240 in that moment. And the response was overwhelming, and everybody 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:50.320 was damning and texting and saying, please put it in 0:01:50.360 --> 0:01:53.880 my feed, please do it on your podcast. So I 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:58.960 wanted to share here on Climbing and Heels. I wanted 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:02.840 to share the question and some of the answers on 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:06.320 my pod to update you on my life, and really 0:02:06.360 --> 0:02:11.600 with the intention to help anyone out there who is 0:02:11.639 --> 0:02:18.399 healing from tragedy, grieving a broken heart, a natural disaster, 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:21.400 or just trying to find their new normal like me, 0:02:21.760 --> 0:02:23.600 and just trying to figure out who they are in 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:28.600 a new iteration of their own lives. So I hope 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:32.120 any of this helps you. I love how many people 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:35.560 have responded so far, and how many people are taking 0:02:36.160 --> 0:02:37.959 I guess my advice or wanting to have more open 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:44.160 conversation about it. So let's just get right into it. Okay, 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:47.560 what has helped you the most navigate your new journey 0:02:47.680 --> 0:02:51.760 post breakup? You know, it's very interesting. I don't really 0:02:51.840 --> 0:02:56.640 consider what's happened in my life a breakup. I don't know. 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:59.440 For some reason, a breakup to me in my life 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:04.359 feels very like middle school, like I had a boyfriend 0:03:04.360 --> 0:03:08.040 and we broke up, or dealing with, you know, my 0:03:08.600 --> 0:03:12.320 young teenager's personal life, like oh, they broke up, or 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:15.480 they're not dating anymore, they're not talking anymore. And I 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:21.560 think when you are separating after a thirty three year relationship, 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:25.640 and a public one at that, I don't even know 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:27.880 that I think about it as breaking up. To be 0:03:28.000 --> 0:03:31.560 very honest, I think of it as an entire kind 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:38.840 of life altering shift, and I think in some ways 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:43.440 it's a bit of a grieving process. And I want 0:03:43.480 --> 0:03:47.440 to talk about that because I think grieving is a 0:03:47.480 --> 0:03:51.760 word that is underused, and I think that it really 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:54.240 applies to so much that's happening in the world and 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:58.520 has happened. I think we grieve when natural disasters happen. 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:02.280 I think we grieve when we lose friendships. I think 0:04:02.280 --> 0:04:05.520 we grieve, of course, when we when someone passes away. 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:09.880 But I think we also grieve sometimes a person that 0:04:09.920 --> 0:04:14.600 once was, or a relationship, a marriage that once was. 0:04:15.200 --> 0:04:17.799 I have a friend that lost a husband this past summer, 0:04:19.120 --> 0:04:22.840 and it's and it's interesting because I feel like, in 0:04:22.880 --> 0:04:25.720 a weird way, we've kind of gone through the grieving 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:30.280 process in many ways together. And you know, I think 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:32.320 when you live a certain way for a really long 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:36.440 time and then you live a completely different way without 0:04:36.880 --> 0:04:41.080 someone in your life, you just have to figure out 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:43.920 what that life is. And that's a process, you know. 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:47.680 And so I think what's helped me the most is 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:53.480 sort of to not look back, but just look forward 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:58.479 and look at every day as one I'm grateful for. 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:02.839 I think having two magical children by my side on 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:08.599 each side at all times really helps. I think having 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:13.120 my family, which you know I've talked about before, really 0:05:13.440 --> 0:05:15.960 feels in many ways like I've won the lottery because 0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:19.520 I have the most incredible family. My sister is like 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:22.360 my life, you know. I mean, I think we must 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:24.839 talk six times a day even when we're not talking. 0:05:24.920 --> 0:05:29.360 We just said on the phone. And my team and 0:05:29.800 --> 0:05:33.120 my team and my friends, and so I think that 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:41.120 has really helped me because I don't sit home stuck 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:44.440 in my thoughts. And I think that that's a really 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:49.520 big I think that's a really big challenge for people 0:05:49.600 --> 0:05:52.440 going through something is not wanting to go out, not 0:05:52.480 --> 0:05:54.800 wanting to be with people not wanting to talk about it, 0:05:55.200 --> 0:05:58.039 and I think when you actually do go out and 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:00.520 you get out of your head, that is the most 0:06:00.560 --> 0:06:06.400 helpful thing to do. And also, I have an incredible life, 0:06:06.560 --> 0:06:10.640 and I think that it's important to embrace that to 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:12.960 its fullest. So I mean, I think all these things 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:16.039 have helped me. Okay, what are some signs you're ready 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:21.279 for divorce? I've been married for twenty five years, you know, 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:26.359 I think there are signs. I mean, there definitely are signs. 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:30.000 There are signs to divorce. But I think people would argue, 0:06:30.160 --> 0:06:33.920 and I think experts might argue that, you know, what 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:39.039 might be a sign for one person is something that's 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:42.200 like comfortable for another person. So I think that's where 0:06:42.200 --> 0:06:48.480 it gets a little challenging. I think that when you 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:53.000 can't figure out And I'm not necessarily saying that all 0:06:53.080 --> 0:06:57.000 of these pertain to me at all, I'm just saying 0:06:57.040 --> 0:07:00.000 in general because I feel like I've been through divorce 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:03.560 worse probably twenty times in my life before I even 0:07:03.640 --> 0:07:10.600 dealt with separating with my husband. And I think that 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:16.640 when you've had a really happy relationship that for an 0:07:16.640 --> 0:07:20.200 extended period of time is very unhappy for various reasons, 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:25.559 and you start to realize that you've either like grown 0:07:25.600 --> 0:07:31.160 a part, you don't agree on pretty much anything, that 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:35.320 the things that tied you together are not tying you 0:07:35.400 --> 0:07:42.560 together anymore. When you know, as I said on my Instagram, 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.320 I mean, I think when you run out of reasons 0:07:45.400 --> 0:07:49.040 to stay together and you go to sleep at night 0:07:49.280 --> 0:07:54.800 not feeling safe. And when I say safe, I want 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:59.920 to be very clear, I don't safe can mean scare 0:08:00.120 --> 0:08:05.200 literally physically scared. It can also mean that someone who 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:09.360 made you calm and happy no longer makes you calm 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:14.040 and happy. And I think that in a marriage, Look, 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:16.760 marriages are going to go up and down and around 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:20.360 six hundred times. I think I was very fortunate in that, 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.600 you know, I'm not suffering from I married the wrong 0:08:24.720 --> 0:08:31.120 person at the age of whatever I was child. I 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:35.080 think that I had many, many years that were amazing. 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:42.680 And I think that sometimes people, I think you start 0:08:42.720 --> 0:08:45.079 to look at things differently, and I think that sometimes 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:48.880 you grow together and sometimes you grow apart. And sometimes 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:53.520 I've always kind of believed that people don't change. Obviously, 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:57.679 behaviors can change, but the core I always feel like 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:01.040 those don't change. But honestly, in the last five years, 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:05.439 I've seen seen many people change, and I think that 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:10.800 that is something, in my opinion, that can really impact 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:14.800 a marriage. And I think that when you start to 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:19.480 go to sleep at night with that different feeling and 0:09:19.960 --> 0:09:23.480 you address those things, and sometimes you don't address those things. 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:26.680 Sometimes you do therapy and sometimes you don't. And I 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:30.040 think there's a lot of things in a marriage that 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:35.120 are fixable. And then sometimes I think that people don't 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:37.960 want to do the work. And if you don't want 0:09:38.000 --> 0:09:46.040 to face things that become challenging in a marriage, I 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:49.520 think then it's time to go on either side, you know. 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:51.800 I think if you look at yourself every day and 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:53.240 you go, I love who I am and I don't 0:09:53.240 --> 0:09:56.960 want to change, and your spouse wants you to change 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:01.960 for various reasons, that's a sign for divorce, you know. 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:05.000 And I think that works on either side of a marriage. 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:09.559 I think that ultimately, if the reasons you don't want 0:10:09.600 --> 0:10:13.280 to be together override the reasons you do want to 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:17.400 be together. You know, I also have to say that 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:22.960 I do believe in divorce. I'm just going to say 0:10:22.960 --> 0:10:26.120 that because I do think that we grew up some 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:28.240 of us. Depending on your age, grew up in a 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:32.600 time where divorce was not accepted in society, and it 0:10:32.840 --> 0:10:35.960 was like really taboo, and it was sort of like, 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:37.920 I mean, I can't tell you how many sets of 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:44.040 grandparents I know that stayed together. Even parents are parents. 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:47.199 My parents are happily married. But I think there are 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:50.640 countless people that stay together just because they're supposed to 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:55.640 stay together, and they live miserably until they're gone. And 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:59.720 I don't think that that needs to happen anymore. I don't. 0:11:00.360 --> 0:11:02.520 I don't think that means peace out and leave your 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:06.400 marriage without trying. But I think if you've given it 0:11:06.520 --> 0:11:11.840 everything you've got and you cannot see it working, or 0:11:11.880 --> 0:11:16.240 you're really just not happy, it's okay to go. I 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:19.839 really do. But I think you also know you're ready 0:11:20.040 --> 0:11:22.840 at that point. You just are like know that. I 0:11:22.840 --> 0:11:25.240 think when you make the decision that you know you 0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:29.640 will confidently be happier without this person than with this person, 0:11:30.920 --> 0:11:33.080 it's probably time to go. There are a lot of 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:35.800 people in my life going through a lot of things 0:11:35.920 --> 0:11:40.640 right now. Are there is the biggest surge of separation 0:11:40.760 --> 0:11:43.720 and divorce that I've ever seen, And I don't know 0:11:43.760 --> 0:11:46.320 if it's because I'm at that age, and this is 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:51.840 kind of when it mostly occurs. But I also think 0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:55.040 that couples have been challenged with things that they've never 0:11:55.120 --> 0:12:00.280 been challenged with. Between COVID having more children out of CODD, 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:04.200 getting divorced in COVID coming out of it, I definitely 0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:08.840 would say not to be afraid to walk away from 0:12:08.880 --> 0:12:15.280 something that really doesn't feel right to you anymore. Someone 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:17.400 asked me something a long time ago. It wasn't even 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:19.880 that long ago. Actually, they said, richeld, do you need 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:25.200 permission to leave this relationship? And in a weird way, 0:12:25.240 --> 0:12:30.120 I think I did. I think I needed permission from myself, 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:37.240 And so I think I think that you have to 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:43.439 look at yourself without judgment, without feelings of failure, without 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:53.160 all the things that society puts on relationships and marriages 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:59.000 and people, and I think you need to I think 0:12:59.040 --> 0:13:01.360 you need to do the work. I would recommend doing 0:13:01.400 --> 0:13:04.600 the work on both sides if it's something that you 0:13:04.679 --> 0:13:08.600 want mutually to save. But at some point, I think 0:13:08.640 --> 0:13:14.040 it's okay to say, Okay, this has been great, and 0:13:14.080 --> 0:13:17.559 now it's not. We've done everything we can and now 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:21.000 it's time to move forward. I'm saying in general and 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.800 I am no therapist, I am no professional. I can 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:30.240 only speak from personal experience and experience with people very 0:13:30.480 --> 0:13:34.880 close to me in my life. But be honest with yourself. 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:40.480 Do what's best for yourself and for your family the 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:44.880 other thing I would say, And again I'm not speaking 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:49.680 only about myself or specifically about myself and my situation, 0:13:51.320 --> 0:13:54.520 but I think that myth of you have to stay 0:13:54.520 --> 0:13:57.760 together for the children, I think that has to go 0:13:57.800 --> 0:14:03.240 away because children very often know way more than you think, 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:08.160 they feel way more than you think, and it's more 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:12.000 important for children to have two parents that love them 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:20.480 separately or together or both than it is for parents 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:25.120 to stay together in an unhappy relationship where they are 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:29.440 not loving to each other, because kids feel that no 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:33.840 matter the age they feel it. Okay, do I like 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:39.200 being single? You know, it's a really bizarre question and 0:14:39.280 --> 0:14:41.840 one that I'm pretty sure I never thought i'd be answering. 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:47.160 I have not been single since I was eighteen, and 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:49.080 in fact, I don't think I was single at eighteen, 0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:52.880 so I actually don't even know the least I was single, 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.040 and I don't know the last time I went on 0:14:57.000 --> 0:15:02.240 like a date. So to the answer is like, so far. Yes, 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:05.600 it's kind of feels like being a teenager, honestly, Like 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:15.200 there is this kind of bizarre freedom that I have. 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:17.720 And when I say freedom, it's sort of like this 0:15:18.440 --> 0:15:22.000 feeling of just being able to be myself and not 0:15:23.720 --> 0:15:27.200 answer to anyone other than my children, who you know, 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:32.080 I have to answer to. But it is absolutely surreal. 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:34.880 I'm not gonna lie. It is absolutely surreal to be 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:39.800 flirted with and know that it's okay if I wanted 0:15:39.840 --> 0:15:46.480 to like react to that. I'm a fiercely loyal person, 0:15:47.520 --> 0:15:51.600 so I think it's something that, like, you know, having 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.040 been with someone for more than half of my life, 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:58.040 I just don't think that that lever has been pulled 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:00.160 for a really long time. Like, of course, you like 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:03.200 crushes on people you can never be with, like a 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:06.560 Brad Pitt type person, right, But I think there's you know, 0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:09.600 I think in real life going out there and being 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:13.240 on trips and being in different cities and going about 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:15.280 my life and people wanting to set me up and 0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:18.480 you know, guys talking to me, it's like a very 0:16:18.520 --> 0:16:21.520 bizarre thing that I haven't felt since I was a teen, 0:16:22.160 --> 0:16:27.240 So I mean, it's it's pretty amazing, honestly, like, I'm 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:31.360 not gonna lie. It's like a very life altering, surreal feeling. 0:16:31.440 --> 0:16:37.520 That is something I'm really getting used to. It very liberating. Honestly, 0:16:37.760 --> 0:16:43.200 it's wild. So yeah, okay, best way to move on 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:49.520 from a divorce, The best way to move on from 0:16:49.560 --> 0:16:53.080 a divorce, honestly, you just move on, like you know. 0:16:53.160 --> 0:16:57.320 I think I answered this very similarly on my Instagram 0:16:57.480 --> 0:17:00.480 is that you know, you can only move on by 0:17:00.520 --> 0:17:04.240 moving on. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but the 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:08.359 truth is I don't overthink that, and I do overthink 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:11.480 most things in my life. But what I don't overthink 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:15.320 is how I move through things on a daily basis. 0:17:15.359 --> 0:17:19.320 And I think it's because I have always had to 0:17:19.440 --> 0:17:24.439 handle so much. I've never had to handle one thing ever, 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:29.920 I mean, in as long as I can remember. I mean, 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:34.000 I think since I graduated college, I have been handling 0:17:35.160 --> 0:17:38.760 multiple things at a time in my life. And whether 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:43.080 that's work, work in kids, my marriage, my family, my 0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:47.320 friend's issues, my life, like just it's a lot. My 0:17:47.400 --> 0:17:49.439 life is a lot, and I think everybody's life is 0:17:49.480 --> 0:17:52.119 a lot. So I don't complain about that, but I 0:17:52.119 --> 0:17:56.159 would say that moving on to me is having to 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:59.680 really move through every step of it. So if I'm 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:03.400 having having a hard day, then I have the hard day. 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:06.800 I would say that I really have very few I 0:18:06.840 --> 0:18:10.320 really do because I really feel very hard in those 0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:14.679 hard days, and I lean on my very safe people 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:21.639 in those moments. I'm not admittedly a huge crier, you know. 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:24.520 I think in this I cried a lot and then 0:18:24.560 --> 0:18:26.960 I did it, you know. And then there are days 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:29.760 that I do and I don't love those days, but 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:33.000 you know, it's for different reasons. Usually it's because I'm 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:36.560 overwhelmed by everything, not because I'm sad about one thing. 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:39.400 It's usually because I'm exhausted, and you know, and I'm 0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:41.879 dealing with my personal life and my professional life, and 0:18:41.880 --> 0:18:43.760 I have to show up for my kids and always 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:47.480 be like positive and strong, you know, because I think 0:18:47.520 --> 0:18:49.639 the minute, at least for me, when I was younger, 0:18:49.680 --> 0:18:52.600 it was always like if I saw my parents scared 0:18:52.840 --> 0:18:56.160 or crying, that is the thing that floored me the most. 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:59.640 So I'm very aware of that, and I think it's 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:05.040 very important, especially as women, to allow ourselves to feel. 0:19:05.640 --> 0:19:07.920 And I think in a process of divorce, there are 0:19:08.119 --> 0:19:11.679 so many different emotions that you go through and like 0:19:11.720 --> 0:19:14.159 I said, you grieve, I mean you really grieve, and 0:19:14.600 --> 0:19:17.320 even if it's something you decided to do or you 0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:21.480 feel good about doing, it doesn't mean there's not grieving 0:19:21.520 --> 0:19:25.400 in that process, right, And I think that there's moments 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:28.760 there's things that like I won't do I won't look 0:19:28.800 --> 0:19:31.600 at old videos, I won't look at old pictures, I 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:35.199 won't look at all these things the media puts together 0:19:35.320 --> 0:19:39.320 about like my history of my relationship. I don't feel 0:19:39.320 --> 0:19:41.760 the need to do that right now. And I think 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:46.640 that you have to allow yourself to not allow yourself 0:19:46.680 --> 0:19:52.159 to do things and not feel guilty about it. But 0:19:52.200 --> 0:19:56.120 I've also always felt better navigating my own path and 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:59.359 doing what feels right to me in the moment and 0:19:59.440 --> 0:20:02.280 not following a rule book of like how to grieve. 0:20:02.320 --> 0:20:04.720 And I'm not saying that's not helpful for people. I'm 0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:12.520 just saying for me, it's not okay. So I also believe. 0:20:12.560 --> 0:20:14.600 I just want to say the other thing about that 0:20:14.800 --> 0:20:17.359 is that I think moving through a divorce, like moving 0:20:17.359 --> 0:20:20.440 through anything, I think it's important to move through every 0:20:20.440 --> 0:20:22.160 phase of it. And I think you got to feel 0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:28.000 all the feels truthfully. Okay, how do I get over 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:36.879 someone I've been with for twenty seven years. Honestly, it's 0:20:36.960 --> 0:20:39.920 a really it's a simple question and a loaded one, 0:20:40.480 --> 0:20:43.680 because I'm pretty sure in many ways, you don't ever 0:20:43.760 --> 0:20:52.440 get over somebody completely. I think your best friend would 0:20:52.440 --> 0:20:54.119 say the only way you're going to get over someone 0:20:54.200 --> 0:20:57.159 is with someone else. But I actually think that's the 0:20:57.160 --> 0:21:00.560 cop out. I do think that's the quick fix. Obviously, 0:21:00.560 --> 0:21:03.719 it's like a heart transfer, right Like, I've loved this 0:21:03.800 --> 0:21:07.080 person for twenty seven years, and now I've quickly shifted 0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:10.280 to somebody else, and that person is filling my heart 0:21:10.359 --> 0:21:12.960 right now, but like, I don't even know if I 0:21:13.000 --> 0:21:16.399 love them or like, but your heart has shifted. If 0:21:16.440 --> 0:21:18.440 your heart is holding on to someone that you've been 0:21:18.480 --> 0:21:21.000 with for twenty seven years and you can't pull it 0:21:21.280 --> 0:21:27.240 away enough to feel for anything else or anyone else, 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:30.560 you're never going to get over that person because all 0:21:30.560 --> 0:21:32.440 you're going to do is think about all the things 0:21:32.480 --> 0:21:35.000 you're missing in that person and all the things that 0:21:36.280 --> 0:21:39.040 you miss about that person, and to be honest, that 0:21:39.200 --> 0:21:46.240 is destroying you on every level. I definitely, I don't know. 0:21:46.600 --> 0:21:48.520 I mean, my team would probably say it's a gift. 0:21:48.560 --> 0:21:50.760 My friends would probably say it's a gift. I don't 0:21:50.800 --> 0:21:54.280 know how I think of it, but I do compartmentalize 0:21:54.280 --> 0:21:57.600 and I do block. I talked about this as well, 0:21:58.240 --> 0:22:02.000 but I think when you have a lot of different 0:22:02.840 --> 0:22:06.760 channels of life in your life on a daily basis, 0:22:06.960 --> 0:22:10.160 like a work bucket, a kid bucket, a friend's bucket, 0:22:10.320 --> 0:22:13.960 a coworker bucket, a travel bucket, your family bucket, like 0:22:14.080 --> 0:22:18.720 all these things, you have to compartmentalize it because if 0:22:18.760 --> 0:22:23.239 you don't, you will go down every time one of 0:22:23.280 --> 0:22:28.560 those channels is broken or even just injured, you know. 0:22:29.840 --> 0:22:32.800 And I think it's a really important life skill to have. 0:22:33.960 --> 0:22:37.720 And I think your personal life and your professional life. 0:22:36.960 --> 0:22:40.560 If your personal life goes down when your professional life does, 0:22:40.680 --> 0:22:43.480 and your professional life goes down when your personal life does, 0:22:44.640 --> 0:22:47.840 you can't really exist in a healthy way all the time. 0:22:48.520 --> 0:22:52.520 And so I really think that you have to accept 0:22:52.560 --> 0:22:55.280 that you may not truly get one hundred percent over 0:22:55.400 --> 0:23:01.919 somebody in the way that you want too. Right, I 0:23:01.960 --> 0:23:04.240 don't know that I can realistically say to you you're 0:23:04.280 --> 0:23:06.760 never going to care about this person again, You're never 0:23:06.840 --> 0:23:09.800 going to think about this person again. But I can 0:23:09.960 --> 0:23:14.120 tell you that if you work on yourself and you 0:23:14.200 --> 0:23:20.160 become a happy, content, confident person in yourself, you will 0:23:20.200 --> 0:23:25.400 most likely attract a person who is going to love 0:23:25.480 --> 0:23:29.520 you in a way that makes you feel whole again, 0:23:30.119 --> 0:23:31.960 because I think when you get out of something for 0:23:32.000 --> 0:23:35.640 twenty seven years, there's a huge part of you, there's 0:23:35.680 --> 0:23:39.119 like a huge vacancy, you know. And one would argue 0:23:39.160 --> 0:23:45.040 that there are many partners in a relationship that within 0:23:45.280 --> 0:23:51.320 seconds and sometimes even before, jump right into another relationship. 0:23:52.359 --> 0:23:59.280 Sometimes that's a narcissist. Sometimes that's a serial, you know, 0:23:59.600 --> 0:24:04.959 relate reationship kind of person. Sometimes it's the simple fact 0:24:05.160 --> 0:24:08.480 that either person cannot be alone with themselves and their 0:24:08.520 --> 0:24:12.919 thoughts and their physical selves. They cannot bear the thought 0:24:13.560 --> 0:24:18.560 or active being alone ever. And I think for me, 0:24:19.000 --> 0:24:22.000 I really love my alone time. I crave it. It 0:24:22.000 --> 0:24:24.040 doesn't mean I don't want to partner, it doesn't mean 0:24:24.080 --> 0:24:26.679 I don't love love. It just means there is a 0:24:26.800 --> 0:24:29.159 level of noise in my life that exists on a 0:24:29.240 --> 0:24:34.560 daily basis that my alone, quiet personal time is sacred 0:24:34.640 --> 0:24:37.800 and needed for me, and I would rather have that 0:24:37.960 --> 0:24:43.399 than be with someone that isn't making me whole or 0:24:43.600 --> 0:24:47.240 isn't making me happy. And so I think a lot 0:24:47.280 --> 0:24:50.040 of people. To go back to the earlier question, I 0:24:50.080 --> 0:24:53.399 think a lot of people need to be with someone 0:24:53.440 --> 0:24:56.960 because they're either not happy with themselves or they can't 0:24:57.000 --> 0:24:59.960 figure out how to be independent and not code of pends. 0:25:01.160 --> 0:25:03.000 And I think you have to really look at why 0:25:03.040 --> 0:25:06.360 you're with someone, why you stay with someone, or why 0:25:06.440 --> 0:25:09.359 you need to be with someone, because I do think 0:25:09.440 --> 0:25:12.720 our culture does dictate that. And I can't tell you that. 0:25:12.800 --> 0:25:17.000 When I announced that I was getting separated, thousands of 0:25:17.080 --> 0:25:19.639 people from around the world and every part of my 0:25:19.760 --> 0:25:22.480 life where like, are you okay, You're going to be okay, 0:25:22.480 --> 0:25:25.240 You're going to meet someone, don't worry. And I was like, 0:25:25.840 --> 0:25:28.280 and then what's so funny is like, my really badass 0:25:28.320 --> 0:25:30.960 friends in my life that are like very fiercely independent 0:25:31.000 --> 0:25:34.320 but also have either been divorced and remarried or found 0:25:34.320 --> 0:25:38.119 love again or happiness or whatever it is, we're like, congratulations, 0:25:38.200 --> 0:25:40.159 welcome to your new life. And I think there's a 0:25:40.200 --> 0:25:46.520 way that this culture needs to stop dictating and stop 0:25:46.680 --> 0:25:52.280 putting pressure on women even men to be like, oh 0:25:52.280 --> 0:25:54.080 I have someone to say, Oh, oh, don't worry, You're 0:25:54.080 --> 0:25:56.119 going to find a partner. Oh my god, someone's going 0:25:56.160 --> 0:26:00.280 to love you. Again, that narrative has to change. It 0:26:00.320 --> 0:26:04.159 has to change, it just does. And I think you 0:26:04.280 --> 0:26:06.359 have to accept that you may not one hundred percent 0:26:06.440 --> 0:26:09.960 be over somebody forever, because I think someone that you 0:26:10.040 --> 0:26:12.240 love for twenty seven years is always going to hold 0:26:12.280 --> 0:26:14.959 a piece of your heart, and if you ended in 0:26:15.040 --> 0:26:18.679 an amicable way, you will likely hold that person in 0:26:18.760 --> 0:26:21.879 a place in your heart. And that's okay. But hopefully 0:26:21.920 --> 0:26:28.919 you can open up enough room to make space for 0:26:28.960 --> 0:26:36.879 someone else if you choose to. Okay, where does my 0:26:37.000 --> 0:26:42.280 confidence come from? My confidence? It is very funny. I 0:26:42.320 --> 0:26:44.760 don't think of myself as a confident person, and I 0:26:45.720 --> 0:26:48.640 think the people closest to me in my life would 0:26:48.640 --> 0:26:52.960 probably say that I'm not an overly confident person. I 0:26:53.000 --> 0:26:59.600 think I have insecurities like all of us. I'm probably 0:26:59.600 --> 0:27:04.600 more confident about certain things, and I will say I 0:27:04.640 --> 0:27:10.359 think that I think that I am very clear on 0:27:11.359 --> 0:27:16.720