Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Oh Hi Chelsea, Oh hello, what's up? Greetings
Speaker 1: from a whistler.
Speaker 2: It's very white there, because a white white winter wonderland.
Speaker 1: Actually it's not really a winter wonderland. We've had kind
Speaker 1: of a low snow season. Although I am heading out today,
Speaker 1: leaving for a week, and now they're expecting about a
Speaker 1: foot of snow. So hopefully when I return will be
Speaker 1: in better shape. Because you know, I have to film
Speaker 1: my ski video. Oh right, your birthday a ski video.
Speaker 1: So we were going to do it last week because
Speaker 1: I had my social media team come up for a
Speaker 1: little sabbatical. They came up here and where I was like,
Speaker 1: oh great, I said to Ricardo and Mina, who run
Speaker 1: the company. It's called Crispy Chicken. That's what attracted me too.
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to get them to change the name
Speaker 1: to Krispy Chicken Nuggets, but they're not really biting on
Speaker 1: that one. Anyway, I had them come up. The three
Speaker 1: of them came up and we were going to shoot
Speaker 1: my video and I was like, how proficient are you
Speaker 1: guys on snowboards? Because I will need your help. I mean,
Speaker 1: we've got to step it up this year. We need
Speaker 1: a drone. I need a different backdrop. I want to
Speaker 1: ski through the trees. So we're trying to like coordinate
Speaker 1: all this, and I said, how proficient are you and
Speaker 1: they're like, well, you know, we're not advanced or anything,
Speaker 1: but we can both, you know, film you on snowboards.
Speaker 1: And I would like to say that, No they could not.
Speaker 1: I took them out skiing. Thank god, I did not
Speaker 1: try to film this with them. They I mean, Mina
Speaker 1: is a little bit better. But I was like, Ricardo,
Speaker 1: how often do you snowboard? He's like once a year.
Speaker 1: I'm like, do you understand what we're dealing with here?
Speaker 1: Someone's skiing backwards and filming me or snowboarding through the
Speaker 1: tree treat Well, I mean, I don't know how realistic
Speaker 1: that's going to be. So we'll see if I even
Speaker 1: conquer that, because we're going to need a few camera men.
Speaker 1: But I'm in Whistler, so there's tons of people here
Speaker 1: that can film skiing for years obviously, you know, so
Speaker 1: I just have to find the right people.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I, by the way, love Ricardo and Mina. They're fantastic.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're really really awesome, And we had a great time.
Speaker 1: We went to Zip lining we went to the bah. Well,
Speaker 1: I dropped them off. I was like their mama bear.
Speaker 1: I felt like I was shuttling my kids around from carpool,
Speaker 1: you know. I would drop them off at school and
Speaker 1: they picked them up three hours later. I'm like, bye, guys.
Speaker 1: Then I dropped them off at the grocery store so
Speaker 1: they could get all the Canadian snacks to bring back,
Speaker 1: and then I'd pick them up and then they'd get
Speaker 1: in the car and it just would reek of weed.
Speaker 1: I'm like, what is that smell? Anyway? So that's been
Speaker 1: happening up here. Just I love having people shuttle in
Speaker 1: and out of my little my ski Shelle, It's so
Speaker 1: fun that I know, Chelsea.
Speaker 2: Can you settle a marital argument for me? Really good?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I would love to.
Speaker 2: So our bedroom we're having some work done on the
Speaker 2: garage was just right near our bedroom.
Speaker 1: And are you turning it into what are you turning
Speaker 1: into Brad's man cave?
Speaker 2: Well, in addition to podcasting where it happens to be
Speaker 2: a drummer and musicians, so we're turning it into his
Speaker 2: music studio.
Speaker 1: Oh music studio. Okay, that's bad than a man cave, Brad.
Speaker 2: Yeah, indeed, he can be a lot louder in there.
Speaker 1: Meanwhile, I just want to go out and say that
Speaker 1: my whole life is a man cave. For I want
Speaker 1: to do is being my bed, smoking weed and watching TV.
Speaker 1: So I may as well have a man cave as well.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 2: You just need a lazy boy, that's all you need
Speaker 2: in there. But so, it smelled weirdly like pine in
Speaker 2: our bedroom for the last couple of weeks, and we
Speaker 2: can't figure out why. But I think it kind of
Speaker 2: smells like weed. And in my opinion, weed smells a
Speaker 2: little bit like pine needles. But my loving husband thinks
Speaker 2: that that is absolutely ridiculous.
Speaker 3: It's skunky. Weed is skunky. That's why they call it
Speaker 3: skunky weed.
Speaker 1: Right, Well, not all weed is skunk. I mean there's
Speaker 1: a weed that's not skunky. So I think that you're right, Catherine,
Speaker 1: as usual that there can be a pine smell. For sure,
Speaker 1: when I walk into my house, it is an overwhelming
Speaker 1: smell of cannabis. My friend's daughter came over the other
Speaker 1: day and she goes, she's seven, She goes, what's that smell?
Speaker 1: I go, don't worry about it.
Speaker 2: You'll know when you're older.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're about to find out. But yeah, I think
Speaker 1: some we can definitely smell like pine. Are you trying
Speaker 1: to get rid of the smell or do you like
Speaker 1: the smell?
Speaker 2: No, I mean it's it's a pleasant smell. But we're
Speaker 2: just like, why suddenly does this smell like pine? We
Speaker 2: can't figure it out. So and neither of us are
Speaker 2: stashing weed in the bedroom. But I think it smells
Speaker 2: like weed.
Speaker 1: And well, why don't you start stashing weed? And then
Speaker 1: that will overwhelm the pine smell, and then that will
Speaker 1: create more symbiosis in your own perfect more symbiosis and synergy.
Speaker 2: Well, thank you for settling that argument, and I am
Speaker 2: so glad that I won.
Speaker 1: Brad, how do you feel about that outcome?
Speaker 3: I'm crushed? Okay, my life is a lie.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is, by the way, something we've been discussing
Speaker 2: for like a decade. He's like, weed doesn't smell like pine.
Speaker 3: Well, it doesn't always smell like skunks, but in this instance,
Speaker 3: I think it smells like weed, and it smells like
Speaker 3: skunky weed.
Speaker 1: Oh you don't smell pine? Oh oh I see, I see.
Speaker 1: Well it's interesting to me that you're arguing about this,
Speaker 1: But yet the hard boiled eggs weren't an issue for
Speaker 1: you at all.
Speaker 3: Brad Well, I guess I got to turn a blind eye.
Speaker 1: To some Yeah, it's interesting where you pick your battles.
Speaker 3: Well, I mean that's marriage right there. You got to
Speaker 3: pick your battles where you can exactly.
Speaker 2: So, Chelsea, I wanted to ask you some thoughts about
Speaker 2: making friends as an adult. I find when I meet
Speaker 2: somebody that I really like and I want to hang
Speaker 2: out with them more, I'm not one hundred percent sure
Speaker 2: how to go about that, how to feel out if
Speaker 2: they're as into me as I am into them. What
Speaker 2: are your thoughts? How do you do it?
Speaker 1: Oh? That's so funny. I mean I'm always making friends
Speaker 1: as an adult.
Speaker 2: And you're also constantly meeting new people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess I'm lucky that way because I'm always
Speaker 1: bouncing around to different places, so I get to meet
Speaker 1: new people. I feel like it's a mutual connection. When
Speaker 1: you have chemistry, it's kind of undeniable. So likely if
Speaker 1: you're feeling something or like an attraction towards a person
Speaker 1: that you want to just like, spend more time with
Speaker 1: or hang out with in a non sexual way, it's
Speaker 1: pretty easy. It's usually reciprocated. I find yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: like if someone's texting me going when are we going
Speaker 1: to hang out? And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: feel the same way. So I just don't feel like
Speaker 1: who cares about rules as an adult, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. It's not like you're a kid and you're
Speaker 1: so self conscious and thinking about what other people think
Speaker 1: of you. Or maybe you are self conscious, but even so,
Speaker 1: it's good to extend invitations and broaden your horizons always,
Speaker 1: like that's always a good idea to make sure you're
Speaker 1: keeping everything fresh and making new acquaintances as well as friends.
Speaker 1: You never know what anyone's going to bring to the table,
Speaker 1: So I always like to hang out with new people
Speaker 1: all the time. I'm always interested in a different perspective,
Speaker 1: you know. And I think a good thing to remember is,
Speaker 1: like we've talked about this a lot, that all relationships
Speaker 1: don't last forever. You know, a lot of relationships and
Speaker 1: a lot of new people come into your life for
Speaker 1: a reason as well, So you should be open to
Speaker 1: that aspect of things of like, oh, this might be
Speaker 1: somebody that I'm supposed to know, are supposed to be
Speaker 1: friends with, and could be somebody that you're supposed to
Speaker 1: be friends with for the rest of your life. So
Speaker 1: I don't think there's any shame in reaching out and
Speaker 1: being like, hey, you want to hang out, I'm into
Speaker 1: you or whatever you know, sat into you. But you
Speaker 1: can say I like to be misconstrued in it, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: You don't want people to think they're walking into a
Speaker 1: threuttle situation.
Speaker 2: So that's how we caught you.
Speaker 1: That's how I feel sometimes when couples are trying to
Speaker 1: hang out with me, I'm like, back it up, back,
Speaker 1: it's a duck up, get away from me. I know
Speaker 1: what you're up to. I once had two friends come over.
Speaker 1: It was so funny. I was leaving Reese Witherspoon's Christmas
Speaker 1: party years ago, and my friend and her husband drove
Speaker 1: me home and then I was like, do you guys
Speaker 1: want to come in for a drink? And they came in.
Speaker 1: It was actually my friend Kate and her ex husband,
Speaker 1: and they came in and they're sitting at my kitchen
Speaker 1: counter and I made them cocktails and then I said,
Speaker 1: just so you guys know, we're not hooking up. And
Speaker 1: they both looked at each other like what and I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't know what you guys are into,
Speaker 1: but I'm not into it. And we've been friends ever since.
Speaker 2: Gosh, we had a similar experience with a couple friends
Speaker 2: of ours, and Brad had been hanging out with this guy.
Speaker 2: They were in a band together. I had met him
Speaker 2: a few times because he bartended. We just hit it
Speaker 2: off from the very beginning. Absolutely love this guy. We
Speaker 2: were in the car together, the three of us, and
Speaker 2: we were going to meet his wife, and I think
Speaker 2: i'd met her once or twice, but you know, it
Speaker 2: was early stages, and I made some joke about, oh, well,
Speaker 2: you know this is the point where we ask you
Speaker 2: guys to hook up with us or whatever, and he
Speaker 2: thought I was serious, and just the backseat of the
Speaker 2: car went deadly side. That's horrible, like five seconds, and
Speaker 2: I was like, Matt, I'm joking. And then he was like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, Thank goodness, because I was really enjoying
Speaker 2: hanging out with you guys, and that was about to
Speaker 2: be over.
Speaker 1: I know, I hate having to say I'm joking, though,
Speaker 1: you know, I know it's an la thing, like a
Speaker 1: good barometer or measure of somebody who's worthy of hanging
Speaker 1: out with as somebody who also knows that that's a joke. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that takes it seriously. No effects to your friend, your new.
Speaker 2: Friend, that's okay. We still are very good friends with
Speaker 2: them to this day. That was like a decade ago,
Speaker 2: so you know, that's great advice. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Just to close it out, what's your go to friend
Speaker 2: date when you're first meeting someone. Is it let's grab dinner?
Speaker 2: Is it come over? What's your go to.
Speaker 1: I mean I recently made a new friend because my
Speaker 1: neighbor called me. I think I talked about this. My
Speaker 1: neighbor that I'm building a house next to you got
Speaker 1: in touch with me and was like, hey, I'm so
Speaker 1: excited that you're moving next to me. I want to
Speaker 1: be We're going to be best friends. He's a gay
Speaker 1: guy obviously, and he's like, I love to party, I
Speaker 1: love everything you represent. I can't wait for us to
Speaker 1: be neighbors. We're going to build a finicular behind our
Speaker 1: houses to meet, or a zipline or whatever. And I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, that's so fun. And we were trying
Speaker 1: to hang out. We couldn't make it work. And then
Speaker 1: I was in Sundance skiing in park City and he
Speaker 1: was at Sundance at the festival and then we met.
Speaker 1: We met up there and we had a drink together.
Speaker 1: I think a drink, A drink is a good or
Speaker 1: a coffee, like if you're into coffee. I don't really
Speaker 1: drink coffee. So whenever people suggest that, I'm like whatever,
Speaker 1: that's life a meeting, Like I have business meetings over coffee. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know where I pret to drink coffee or I
Speaker 1: have hot tea or who knows. I never know what
Speaker 1: to get at a coffee place.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what. Starbucks has those not to plug anything,
Speaker 2: but Starbucks has those like refreshers that are like lightly sweet,
Speaker 2: they're fruity, and they have a little teeny bit of caffeine.
Speaker 2: I like those when I'm not into coffee.
Speaker 1: Oh, they have caffeine. I like anything with caffeine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's got a little caffeine. I think it's like
Speaker 2: maybe as much as a cup of tea, or maybe
Speaker 2: it is a cup of coffee. I don't know. You
Speaker 2: can ask them about I love that.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. Thank you for that recommendation, Catherine.
Speaker 1: That is meaningful.
Speaker 2: So how is your house going? I was actually wondering
Speaker 2: that this morning.
Speaker 1: Who knows what the hell's happening with my house? I
Speaker 1: can't even This is a perfect example of my impulsivity.
Speaker 1: I wanted to get my family out of my house,
Speaker 1: so I had to send them a strong message. I
Speaker 1: put the house on the market. And now I have
Speaker 1: been homeless for two years. Yeah, and I've been in
Speaker 1: a rental. So oh, I have some other sad news
Speaker 1: to announce. Actually, I know, okay, I haven't publicly announced
Speaker 1: it because I don't feel like it. But Bert is
Speaker 1: no longer with us. I know. I'm so sorry to
Speaker 1: hear that thank you, thank you, my poor little baby.
Speaker 1: He's so sweet. But Bernice is still with us, who
Speaker 1: knows for how long, So I'm gonna have to get
Speaker 1: her a little companion soon. Anyway, So my baby boy
Speaker 1: is gone.
Speaker 2: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear.
Speaker 1: That thank you. He was such a sweet Oh he
Speaker 1: was so robust when I got him, and watching him
Speaker 1: kind of fall apart.
Speaker 2: Or deteriorate, it was so like, ugh, it's heartbreaking.
Speaker 1: But you know what I feel like about dogs. I
Speaker 1: just feel like you gotta pivot that love because you
Speaker 1: give out so much love to them, and when you
Speaker 1: lose a dog. It's such an easy transfer of love
Speaker 1: to find another dog and give another dog a home
Speaker 1: and then give Bernice another little someone to torture. And
Speaker 1: so I will be doing that. I'll be on the
Speaker 1: hunt for a new chow guys soon.
Speaker 2: Okay, well I will. I'm sure you wor get a
Speaker 2: lot of emails about this, so I will send things
Speaker 2: along to you, guys. But yeah, I'm so sorry. It's
Speaker 2: never easy. It's just never easy.
Speaker 1: I know it's never easy. But you know what you
Speaker 1: have to remember about dogs, It's like you gave them
Speaker 1: a life. He was a rescue and he was in
Speaker 1: bad shape when I got him, and then he was
Speaker 1: loved so hard, yes by his birth mother bought Belle,
Speaker 1: but also by me and all my friends. And he
Speaker 1: was just such a lover. I mean, I've never had
Speaker 1: a dog that would lie on me all night long.
Speaker 1: I just loved that.
Speaker 2: Oh what a good boy. Yeah, well, just snuggle Bernice
Speaker 2: a little extra hard next time you see her. And
Speaker 2: also I loved what Laurel and Jackson said is that
Speaker 2: we're going to see them again one day. Well, Chelsea,
Speaker 2: I do have a couple of updates, okay from callers
Speaker 2: from previous episodes, so should we launch into those? Yeah,
Speaker 2: all right, fantastic. This one is from our dear friend
Speaker 2: Bryden Cantelope, who was our sweet Canadian friend. He was
Speaker 2: in his early twenty and he was like, I want
Speaker 2: to study fashion, but I'm background friends and family and
Speaker 2: i want to move to London. So Braiden says, Hi,
Speaker 2: Chelsea and Catherine, I hope you're both doing well. I'm
Speaker 2: just emailing to say, while it's been a year, I've
Speaker 2: finally moved to London. Once my visa was sorted in November,
Speaker 2: I booked my flights for January and here I am.
Speaker 2: I've been here nearly a month now, moving into my
Speaker 2: beautiful flat tomorrow. Honestly, your advice did help give me
Speaker 2: the little kick in the ass I needed to get
Speaker 2: over here, and boy, am I glad I did. Thank
Speaker 2: you both for everything, braid and Cantalope. Ps. I've had
Speaker 2: a few viewers actually messaged me on my Instagram to
Speaker 2: see if I made the move. Most recently, someone messaged
Speaker 2: me just the other day and said they're so happy
Speaker 2: to see I made the move. How lovely of people.
Speaker 1: Oh that's so sweet. I love our little community who
Speaker 1: would have sunk it. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Seriously, it's just lovely.
Speaker 1: I used to just be a bitch on the E
Speaker 1: network and now look at the wonder wonderful work we're doing.
Speaker 2: Yes, I even had a maybe love connection the other day.
Speaker 2: Someone had listened to you know, someone who was single
Speaker 2: and said, hey, can you send her my Instagram? So
Speaker 2: I did. We'll see a straight guy apparently, or at
Speaker 2: least sometimes straight.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we should look into doing some sort of like
Speaker 1: matchmaking episode because I really like to set people up
Speaker 1: and you know, make people get together, force them.
Speaker 2: I love that. I love that cool. And then our
Speaker 2: next follow up is from Regina. She was the lesbian
Speaker 2: who was having an affair with a married woman and
Speaker 2: she has this to say, Dear Chelsea, I had a
Speaker 2: fucking fantastic ten day trip to South America. Remember she
Speaker 2: was she was about to leave. That started the day
Speaker 2: after we chatted. While I was gone, I had close
Speaker 2: to zero communication with my lover slash coworker, which is
Speaker 2: of course what we both needed. When I returned, we
Speaker 2: amicably talked and agreed that the affair, both emotional and physical,
Speaker 2: needed to stop. She has stated a few times that
Speaker 2: she is quote going to tell her partner the truth
Speaker 2: when she is ready, and who the fuck knows when
Speaker 2: that will be. I could go into more detail for
Speaker 2: you about how she's struggling with my new lack of
Speaker 2: emotional investment in our relationship and my refusal to be
Speaker 2: vulnerable with her anymore. I think that's great, but it
Speaker 2: doesn't really matter. What does matter is talking with you
Speaker 2: was the turning point in this seemingly endless roundabout that
Speaker 2: I couldn't stop circling. So thank you so fucking much
Speaker 2: for that. I wanted things to change without having to
Speaker 2: make any changes. The feedback I got from you and
Speaker 2: Natasha was the kick in the ass I needed. Anyway,
Speaker 2: I'm writing tonight to not only give you that brief update,
Speaker 2: but also to ask one would be a good time
Speaker 2: for us to get together so we can start our
Speaker 2: own affair as per your proposal. I'm vaccinated in horny,
Speaker 2: so let me know when works best for you, Kissy Ritchie.
Speaker 1: But now I have to start sleeping with my female callers.
Speaker 1: He's not such a burden tricky. First of all, vaccinated
Speaker 1: it in Horny tour is over. We are starting a
Speaker 1: little big bitch tour. Okay, and we just added red Rocks.
Speaker 2: Oh that's amazing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we added red Rocks. We added there's a bunch
Speaker 1: of new dates that we added. So check on Chelseahandler
Speaker 1: dot com for tickets for my new tour, which is
Speaker 1: going to start in April, little big bitch. It's gonna
Speaker 1: be so good. I've been writing all my material while
Speaker 1: I'm writing a fucking book. I'm like Jesus, I have
Speaker 1: too much to do. Too much writing.
Speaker 2: You gotta be out there having more life experiences so
Speaker 2: you have something to write.
Speaker 1: I know, maybe I should sleepless watch less TV and
Speaker 1: sleepless and smoke less pot. I'd probably been a lot
Speaker 1: more productive.
Speaker 2: But always help help, I use it.
Speaker 1: I'm using this as downtime.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well as your should. It's vacation time.
Speaker 1: But back to the matchmaking thing. If anyone is wanting
Speaker 1: to be hooked up or matchmaked, match made. Anyone want
Speaker 1: to be matchmaked, let us know right in for that
Speaker 1: because we will try and facilitate that. And if you
Speaker 1: are a straight man and you are listening and you
Speaker 1: are single, we can definitely help you. Because the ratio
Speaker 1: of women to men listening to this is very high.
Speaker 2: Yes, and right matchmaking in the subject line, So I know,
Speaker 2: and we'll see what we can do for you.
Speaker 1: That's a good idea. I like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe we'll have to have a matchmaker on or
Speaker 2: somebody who knows about relationships.
Speaker 1: We don't need a matchmaker. I know what to do.
Speaker 2: Isn't it a mitzvah? If you set up three couples
Speaker 2: who get married?
Speaker 4: Is it?
Speaker 2: I think?
Speaker 5: So?
Speaker 1: I just set up a couple. One couple, I a
Speaker 1: gay couple. I don't know what's going to happen with
Speaker 1: them yet. Or yeah, if you're a gay couple. I mean,
Speaker 1: gay people want to be set up and they're all
Speaker 1: listening to this. So that's that's a good idea to
Speaker 1: write in for that. But also, you know, straight guys
Speaker 1: would be nice to have some in the mix.
Speaker 2: Unmarried straight guys as we learned lest with your sisters.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, unmarried.
Speaker 2: Please, everyone who participates in this must be unmarried. We'll
Speaker 2: just put it that way.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine? That's that's the next headline, Chelsea Handler
Speaker 1: hooks up married woman with married man.
Speaker 2: It's just Ashley Madison, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: Madison, Chelsea, Christina Barcelona.
Speaker 2: Chelsea. Next up. We have a new segment that we're
Speaker 2: going to be doing, calling and back up with Betterhelp.
Speaker 2: You want to tell us a little bit more about that.
Speaker 1: Yes, So sometimes we get questions where I just don't
Speaker 1: feel it's appropriate for me to be answering. And obviously
Speaker 1: I joke about being a medical professional, but we know
Speaker 1: that I'm not. I have no certification or degree. I
Speaker 1: am just really just spouting stuff straight out of my ass.
Speaker 1: So we are doing this thing where we have Better
Speaker 1: Health Therapists, which you know, they're a sponsor of the podcast,
Speaker 1: and they do great work. It's online therapy, Better Help,
Speaker 1: it's affordable, all of it's so accessible for anybody who's
Speaker 1: having trouble or going through something. So we decided to
Speaker 1: work together in concert with them, and when we have
Speaker 1: some questions that we don't feel like I can answer appropriately,
Speaker 1: we are calling in somebody who is more skilled.
Speaker 2: And with that, David Yaddish, licensed therapy and Clinical operations
Speaker 2: manager at Betterhelp, is going to join us in a
Speaker 2: little bit. Great OC says dear Chelsea. I love listening
Speaker 2: to your podcast, and I've noticed that you are a
Speaker 2: big proponent of therapy, whether it's individual or couple's therapy.
Speaker 2: I come from Asia, where therapy is very taboo. Therapy's
Speaker 2: looked at as something is very wrong with you, or
Speaker 2: it's also like, how pathetic are you that you need
Speaker 2: therapy and can't solve your own problems. I've had many
Speaker 2: issues from my childhood, from my relationship with my mom,
Speaker 2: who passed away when I was twenty five years old.
Speaker 2: I'm forty three now, so my husband recommended that I
Speaker 2: do therapy. I did it for a month or two,
Speaker 2: despite my cultural belief, and I was never able to
Speaker 2: be one hundred percent open with the therapist. She did
Speaker 2: listen a lot and complimented me a lot. To be honest,
Speaker 2: it made me feel great. She then concluded that I
Speaker 2: was totally fine and there was nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 2: Now to my actual question, my husband and I have
Speaker 2: been married for thirteen years, and we have a lot
Speaker 2: of differences, simply starting with cultural differences. He's American and
Speaker 2: I'm Far East Asian, so we come from two different
Speaker 2: spectrums of the world culturally and geographically. We also have
Speaker 2: very different personalities. Now, we have three amazing kids together,
Speaker 2: and we both love our kids so much that even
Speaker 2: though we have a lot of differences and sometimes feel
Speaker 2: like this marriage is not working out. We want to
Speaker 2: push through for the sake of the kids. We both
Speaker 2: do agree that we should go to therapy. However, my
Speaker 2: main fear and concern is will therapy break our marriage?
Speaker 2: Do we have so many issues and differences that we
Speaker 2: ignored for so many years that we're opening a can
Speaker 2: of worms? Will therapy make us bring up every issue
Speaker 2: and in the end make us realize we're not right
Speaker 2: for each other? After all? Divorce is absolutely out of
Speaker 2: the question for me. I do not want to put
Speaker 2: my kids through that. Also, I do love my husband
Speaker 2: and I believe he loves me, so I think there's
Speaker 2: a good foundation there and a desire to be together.
Speaker 2: We just never had great communication. Sometimes it feels weird
Speaker 2: to start communication after thirteen years of marriage. Please advise
Speaker 2: if couple's counseling is a good or bad idea for us.
Speaker 2: So let's get our therapist, David on the line and
Speaker 2: maybe he can speak to some of the cultural differences
Speaker 2: some of years around going to therapy. Hi David, Hello, Hi.
Speaker 1: David, how are you.
Speaker 6: I'm doing well? How are you guys?
Speaker 1: Great? Thank you well?
Speaker 2: David, what do you have to say about OC's letter.
Speaker 6: I think this is a great question and great to ask.
Speaker 6: It's never too late to start communicating in any relationship, right,
Speaker 6: But therapy could be really scary, and it's going to
Speaker 6: be different for every time in your life every therapist
Speaker 6: you see. And one of the things that this writer
Speaker 6: brought up in the beginning is that cultural piece. So
Speaker 6: not every therapist is going to have the same life experience,
Speaker 6: not every therapist is going to have the same anything
Speaker 6: in life, right, But like we can all relate on
Speaker 6: a very human level on things about communication, fighting, what
Speaker 6: it's like to just exist in this world together. So
Speaker 6: finding a therapist that maybe is part of the AAPI
Speaker 6: community could be really helpful and help bridge that gap
Speaker 6: to get one hundred percent comfortable in a therapy situation,
Speaker 6: because so much of the work that we do as
Speaker 6: therapists is about the relationship, right. Anybody who's been in
Speaker 6: therapy can talk about if you feel comfortable with your therapist,
Speaker 6: it's so much easier to open up, it's so much
Speaker 6: easier to get to those real, deep core things, and
Speaker 6: that's really important, especially going into couples counseling. There's a
Speaker 6: lot of vulnerability there. Right, you have to talk about
Speaker 6: things that aren't working, the challenges that have come up
Speaker 6: for the years, and they talk about being married for
Speaker 6: thirteen years. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff that
Speaker 6: could be talked about, right.
Speaker 2: What do you think, Chelsea?
Speaker 1: I think you just have to If you have a
Speaker 1: desire to want to stay in a relationship and your
Speaker 1: partner has a desire, then you're using couple's counseling or
Speaker 1: a therapist as a bridge to get there. You're enlisting
Speaker 1: somebody to help you maintain the relationship. So of course
Speaker 1: it's worth it. And if you go into therapy thinking
Speaker 1: you're going to fight out all of these things, all
Speaker 1: you're going to find out is about your differences in
Speaker 1: how people prefer to be communicated with. Those are all
Speaker 1: workable things when you have a common goal.
Speaker 2: David, how important do you think it is to find
Speaker 2: a therapist who either has a background that's similar to you,
Speaker 2: you know, whatever it is, LGBTQ, or specializes in something
Speaker 2: that you're talking about.
Speaker 6: I think it's really important. Again, not every therapist is
Speaker 6: going to have those exact experiences and still can relate
Speaker 6: on a number of different levels, but it's really important
Speaker 6: to find someone who you can relate to in that way,
Speaker 6: like you said, LGBTQ, or a certain religious or cultural experience,
Speaker 6: because then it takes away some of that fear, some
Speaker 6: of that anxiety, some of that misunderstanding in sessions.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm.
Speaker 6: So it could be really valuable experience.
Speaker 2: I love that idea of like finding someone who has
Speaker 2: the same cultural background as you or specializes in whatever
Speaker 2: your stuff is. I also will say, you know, as
Speaker 2: far as the worry of it's splitting you up, Chelsea,
Speaker 2: what do you think about that?
Speaker 1: That's just fear, Like that's just not being educated about therapy.
Speaker 1: The idea that therapy is going to split you up
Speaker 1: is ridiculous, Like it's it's the opposite. It's true. I mean,
Speaker 1: couples can break up when they go to therapy, but
Speaker 1: that's also a good thing because you're revealing your truths
Speaker 1: about each other or each other's truths and your own
Speaker 1: self truths. So that's unlikely when both people are interested
Speaker 1: in a solution.
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: I know there was a time in my marriage early
Speaker 2: on where I didn't know if we were going to
Speaker 2: make it, and we went through couples counseling. And even
Speaker 2: though I specifically was at a point where I was like,
Speaker 2: I don't know if this is happening. I don't know
Speaker 2: if this is working. I remember our counselor saying to
Speaker 2: us like, I think you have something special that is
Speaker 2: worth working on. And I think for OC, she and
Speaker 2: her husband seem to both have a real willingness to try,
Speaker 2: and I think that's kind of half the battle in
Speaker 2: couples counseling.
Speaker 1: Yeah, usually as long as two people have both feet
Speaker 1: inside the house like that's great, then that's that's an effort,
Speaker 1: and that's what that speaks more than anything else that
Speaker 1: is gonna happen, Like when you have a kind of
Speaker 1: united front and it's totally normal to be with somebody
Speaker 1: for that long and to be fucking annoyed with each other.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, especially when you have some cultural differences that
Speaker 2: you're like, why aren't they just getting this? You know,
Speaker 2: this is how I operate. Thanks David for joining us.
Speaker 6: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Oh see, let us know how things go and report back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh see, you keep in touch.
Speaker 2: So we're going to be doing this segment, calling in
Speaker 2: back up with better help from time to time. So
Speaker 2: feel free to write in questions with that in mind,
Speaker 2: and a big thank you to Calling in backups sponsor
Speaker 2: Better Help, and of course to David Yaddish, licensed therapist
Speaker 2: and clinical operations manager at Better Help. Well, Chelsea, let's
Speaker 2: take a quick break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 1: Okay, And we're back.
Speaker 2: We're back, We're back, everybody, Okay, Chelsea, let's start with
Speaker 2: a caller today. I have Brian calling in. This is
Speaker 2: dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty eight year old gay man.
Speaker 2: I'm shaken up and could really use your advice. Back
Speaker 2: in November and December, I became very content with the
Speaker 2: idea of being single for a long time or forever.
Speaker 2: But right before New Year's all that changed when I
Speaker 2: met Peter. What was to be a short tender date
Speaker 2: turned into a five hour rendezvous of endless conversation, and
Speaker 2: I even saw him again the next day. I feel
Speaker 2: like in gay culture, that's like big right. The connection
Speaker 2: was unreal, and just a week later we were dating officially.
Speaker 2: We told each other things we've never told anyone, and
Speaker 2: we just could not stop talking to each other. I
Speaker 2: felt totally myself around him, and therefore I let my
Speaker 2: guard completely down and started falling in love. It was
Speaker 2: long distance, but we spent every weekend of January together
Speaker 2: and during the week we'd FaceTime every day for hours.
Speaker 2: I met his friends, told my parents I was dating someone,
Speaker 2: which I've never done, and we made many travel plans
Speaker 2: to see each other through at least the summer. We
Speaker 2: were both actively applying for jobs in each other's respective
Speaker 2: cities so that we didn't have to be long distance forever.
Speaker 2: I recently drove eight hours to spend the week with him.
Speaker 2: The week was wonderful and there were no signs of issues,
Speaker 2: and the day after I made my drive back home,
Speaker 2: he started texting me a little less frequently. Then he
Speaker 2: called me that evening and said he wanted to break
Speaker 2: off the relationship. For context, he's thirty four and came
Speaker 2: out just a year ago. Shortly after he came out,
Speaker 2: he got into a six month relationship with a man
Speaker 2: which ended out of the blue. We met maybe a
Speaker 2: month and a half after that last breakup. His reasoning
Speaker 2: for ending it with me was that he needed space
Speaker 2: to be a single, openly gay man. He also cited
Speaker 2: the long distance and his demanding job. I'm just at
Speaker 2: a complete loss. We both communicated our intent that this
Speaker 2: relationship was a long term, and he just flipped the
Speaker 2: switch completely one day. Like him, I have my own burdens,
Speaker 2: but those burdens became completely eclipsed by the feelings I
Speaker 2: have for him. We ended the breakup call with the
Speaker 2: possibility of getting in touch and rekindling at some point,
Speaker 2: whatever that means. Chelsea, Please help me process what's going on. Brian.
Speaker 4: Hi, Brian, Hi there, Hi.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Brian. That happened, thank you.
Speaker 4: It happened two days ago now, so it's very very recent,
Speaker 4: and I'm okay.
Speaker 1: And how many months were you guys together? Five? Did
Speaker 1: you say?
Speaker 4: Just one month? Actually?
Speaker 1: Oh? Sorry, okay, so you were oh so one month? Okay. Well,
Speaker 1: the good news is it's going to take you a
Speaker 1: much quicker time to get over a one month dalliance.
Speaker 1: It sounds a lot like uh, love bombing from just
Speaker 1: hearing your letter to be that intense that quickly. I
Speaker 1: was reading about love bombing once because my girlfriend was
Speaker 1: going through the same thing. And it's like somebody's explosively
Speaker 1: in love with you right just on. You're facetiming all
Speaker 1: day long, you're telling you're making future plans premature to
Speaker 1: when that's appropriate. And if you guys, doing all of
Speaker 1: that with inside of one month is a big red flack.
Speaker 1: So that's an unhealthy dynamic. Anyway, you know you're supposed
Speaker 1: to you can totally be into somebody that much, but
Speaker 1: starting to make plans like that and acting like that,
Speaker 1: it's just it's not stable, do you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 1: it's not a slow burn and a slow growth where
Speaker 1: it goes like this in a regular ascent, in a
Speaker 1: healthy way. So it sounds a little bit unhealthy, which
Speaker 1: is why you probably feel spun out right now.
Speaker 4: The reason for it kind of escalating that quickly was
Speaker 4: that it was long distance and we just had this
Speaker 4: strong media connection right from the get go. It had
Speaker 4: a conversation at the very beginning of the relationship ship
Speaker 4: saying this is long term and we're gonna see it through,
Speaker 4: and we committed to that throughout the month, and just
Speaker 4: the other day, out of the blue, it was like
Speaker 4: a switch and he said, no, I can't do this.
Speaker 4: I do understand what you're saying about love bombing though
Speaker 4: that it seemed like it was too quick, But and
Speaker 4: in the breakup call, I tried to almost negotiate with him, saying,
Speaker 4: why don't we just like blow it down instead of
Speaker 4: just having this clean break, given that we are so
Speaker 4: into each other and he just wasn't really seeing my
Speaker 4: perspective on that.
Speaker 1: Did you bring up, Hey, what about everything you said
Speaker 1: and the commitment that we were making.
Speaker 4: I did a little bit.
Speaker 1: Because that is also part of love bombing, making big
Speaker 1: commitments and then turning off immediately like a switch. You
Speaker 1: shower someone with love, shower them with love, and then
Speaker 1: you're gone.
Speaker 2: And big promises and big stuff like that.
Speaker 1: I think that Brian, it doesn't really matter what's going
Speaker 1: on with him. It matters what's going on with you.
Speaker 1: You know, because I'm talking to you right now and
Speaker 1: I understand how you're feeling. I've been there, We've all
Speaker 1: been there. You feel like you have the rug pulled
Speaker 1: out from underneath you. But there's a lot of advantages
Speaker 1: to the situation that I don't think you can see yet.
Speaker 1: A it was a very short amount of time. You
Speaker 1: will get past this sooner than later. I know it
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like that in this moment, but after a
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, your feelings will subside. I promise you
Speaker 1: that your feelings will subside. You're still going to be
Speaker 1: hurt because it's hurt. It's not leaving it open ended.
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess you're kind of leaving it open ended.
Speaker 1: But that was at your behest, not his. So I
Speaker 1: think that look at his behavior for what it is
Speaker 1: and what it was. You made that commitment to him,
Speaker 1: barely knowing him, getting to know him long distance, and
Speaker 1: you meant it, and he made that commitment and he
Speaker 1: didn't mean it right. So I think that character assessment
Speaker 1: is really integral into your healing and understanding. You don't
Speaker 1: want to be with someone who says things like that
Speaker 1: and then turns around and freaks out. Now, listen, if
Speaker 1: he comes back to you in a couple of weeks
Speaker 1: or a couple months and says, oh my god, I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry. I want to do this again, Like you
Speaker 1: need to set some boundaries and ground rules. That's not
Speaker 1: cool what you did. I was in it with you.
Speaker 1: We made a commitment. I thought we were working in
Speaker 1: a unified front together, and then you pulled the rugout
Speaker 1: from under me. I don't think you've done anything wrong.
Speaker 1: I think you're just going to need some time to
Speaker 1: get around it. But I don't think you should have
Speaker 1: any contact with him. I don't think you should reach
Speaker 1: out to him. I think you should give him. I
Speaker 1: think when somebody asks for space, you should give them
Speaker 1: double Okay.
Speaker 4: Unfortunately, yesterday I wrote him a letter. Okay, It's very
Speaker 4: cathartic for me, given that it was a quick thirty
Speaker 4: minute phone call with a lot of awkward pauses. I
Speaker 4: was just totally in shock. So instead I wrote him
Speaker 4: a letter like twelve hours later, and I nailed it
Speaker 4: to him, explaining like how I was so hurt given
Speaker 4: the circumstances, and as far as moving forward, I only
Speaker 4: want to hear from him if he's in the space
Speaker 4: that he wants to reach out to me.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 4: So I left the possibility open. And I've spoken to
Speaker 4: some of my friends about this, given them the context,
Speaker 4: and they keep saying they expect him to come back
Speaker 4: at some point, and I'm wondering if that's your take
Speaker 4: on it too. You kind of alluded to that, but.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. Yeah, there's a possibility, and
Speaker 1: I think that sometimes helps people get over their healing,
Speaker 1: the idea that someone's going to come back. And that's fine.
Speaker 1: Whatever you need to do to move on. The important
Speaker 1: thing is like, yeah, you can assume that. I don't
Speaker 1: know if he's going to come back. I have no
Speaker 1: idea who this guy is, obviously so and I'm not
Speaker 1: a palm reader, but I think it's an opportunity for
Speaker 1: you to kind of restabilize now that he's out of
Speaker 1: the picture. If he does come back, I want you
Speaker 1: to be have a stronger sense of self and of
Speaker 1: boundaries and what's healthy and what isn't if and when
Speaker 1: that does happen, and if it's not him, for the
Speaker 1: next person. It's not healthy to get that crazy and
Speaker 1: that together in a month. It's understandable that you have
Speaker 1: an attraction, but long distance. I've had long distance relationships,
Speaker 1: I've dated long distance. It's not necessary to get like that,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. That's a build because if
Speaker 1: you start in one month and you guys are on
Speaker 1: the phone however many hours a day, you're facetiming all
Speaker 1: that stuff that's never going to last, and you have
Speaker 1: nowhere to go from the first month, you have nowhere
Speaker 1: to climb. You know, you want like a healthy long
Speaker 1: term relationship, right, is that what you're after? Ultimately?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I think this is a lesson for you
Speaker 1: to just consider all of those things and think about
Speaker 1: how you want to move forward in the next relationship
Speaker 1: or if this guy does return.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's a little bit of guarding your
Speaker 2: heart that should happen if you do hear from him again.
Speaker 2: And I also think, you know, having written him the letter,
Speaker 2: jives with what Chelsea was saying. You said, the door
Speaker 2: is open if you want to contact me, but I'm
Speaker 2: not gonna chase you. I also think when you're long distance,
Speaker 2: especially from the beginning, there's an opportunity for you to
Speaker 2: live in the fantasy of this is going to be
Speaker 2: so amazing, it's going to be great, all the amazing
Speaker 2: things were so in love, but you're not dealing with
Speaker 2: the day to day of like being around each other,
Speaker 2: of like the everyday annoyances of you know, you came
Speaker 2: home pissed because you had a bad day at work
Speaker 2: and he's got to deal with you. You know, all
Speaker 2: of that stuff is not present, and so it's very
Speaker 2: easy to only experience like the exciting part of it.
Speaker 2: Who knows if he's going to come back, but if
Speaker 2: he does, I think you got to guard your heart
Speaker 2: a little bit right.
Speaker 4: I'm just in shock, given that I have a tendency
Speaker 4: to not be vulnerable and put up balls, and I
Speaker 4: have made a conscious effort at the beginning of this
Speaker 4: relationship to not do that, let everything go, and was
Speaker 4: like totally myself around him, And that's why it hurts
Speaker 4: so bad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, I can tell you're hurting obviously, and
Speaker 1: I just want you to remember this is a month
Speaker 1: of your life and it seems like the biggest month
Speaker 1: of your life right now. Once you get a little
Speaker 1: bit of distance from this, it's not going to be
Speaker 1: so big in your mind. It just won't be. And
Speaker 1: I know if you want to hold onto the idea
Speaker 1: that he's coming back, that's fine too. That sometimes helps people.
Speaker 1: I've done that in the past, and to get over somebody,
Speaker 1: you know, like they'll be back, they'll be back, and
Speaker 1: by the way, they always are. I mean for women,
Speaker 1: you know, I can't speak for gay man because it's
Speaker 1: a little bit different. But you know, I just really
Speaker 1: want you to look inward and focus on yourself and
Speaker 1: you're healing and positive vibrations for you, you know, instead
Speaker 1: of obsessing about what he's doing, which is sometimes you know, unavoidable.
Speaker 1: I know how the brain works, and you're going to
Speaker 1: be obsessing over him because you care so much about
Speaker 1: him and you are so hurt. I just think, you know,
Speaker 1: hold your head high. You sent him that letter and
Speaker 1: act with integrity, and now you can step away from him.
Speaker 1: And if and when he comes back, then it's going
Speaker 1: to be a different story. If it's like a few
Speaker 1: days and he's like, I fucked up, then that obviously,
Speaker 1: then okay, you're on the same page. But if it's
Speaker 1: a couple months and he comes back and says like, Okay,
Speaker 1: now I want to come back, and be like, well,
Speaker 1: not so fast. We have to have some ground rules now.
Speaker 1: But I want you to think about how you can
Speaker 1: be stronger and better and more grounded in every relationship
Speaker 1: moving forward, and focus on that skill set while you're
Speaker 1: going through this time. I think when you try to
Speaker 1: like look at yourself and you try to better yourself
Speaker 1: and maybe read a book about breaking up.
Speaker 6: Do you read books a little bit? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay. I just wanted you to keep yourself busy and
Speaker 1: just try and get through the initial blunt force of
Speaker 1: the trauma of breaking up with somebody after a month,
Speaker 1: you know, and I think once you get past like
Speaker 1: two weeks, you're gonna feel a lot differently than you
Speaker 1: do feel now. You might still have the same feelings,
Speaker 1: but they won't it won't be such a dagger in
Speaker 1: your chest.
Speaker 4: Yeah. One thing that I keep I'm thinking about now.
Speaker 4: I keep trying to theorize, like, what was going in
Speaker 4: his mind this entire month and at the moment of breakup.
Speaker 4: Is it just simply he got cold feet? Or was
Speaker 4: it that the entire month he was being superficial and fake.
Speaker 4: I keep going back to that, but I hear what
Speaker 4: you're saying about I need to stop belaboring that point
Speaker 4: and just move forward with my life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can try. And you know, I think
Speaker 1: a good exercise is sending him love in your own mind.
Speaker 1: I want to send him peace, happiness, and love anytime
Speaker 1: he comes into your mind, to just give out love.
Speaker 1: You may not get these answers. And to be quite
Speaker 1: frank with you, it doesn't matter what his mo is,
Speaker 1: what he was doing. It matters what you're doing. It
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if he was manipulating you or if he
Speaker 1: really felt it and he got cold feet. I know
Speaker 1: it matters to you psychologically, right, now, but ultimately, in
Speaker 1: the bigger scheme of things, his behavior doesn't matter, yours does.
Speaker 4: That's how I ended the letter I sent him, saying like,
Speaker 4: I want you to be happy, and I'm glad to
Speaker 4: have been on that journey with you, even if.
Speaker 6: It was just for the short moment.
Speaker 1: That's good.
Speaker 4: I tried to like push that forward.
Speaker 1: Yeah, great, keep writing that train. That's exactly what you
Speaker 1: need to do to heal.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, there's also in your letter. You guys
Speaker 2: got close enough that he opened up to you about
Speaker 2: other relationships that have ended really abruptly, and I'm glad
Speaker 2: you included that in your letter. So that may just
Speaker 2: be kind of how he operates. And it's kind of
Speaker 2: a good thing that you guys weren't together for six
Speaker 2: months or a year or engaged before he suddenly was
Speaker 2: out of your life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree with that. Be grateful that it was
Speaker 1: a month this happened and not six months, because that
Speaker 1: would have been really, really, even more painful than what
Speaker 1: you're going through right now. I know that's unimaginable to you,
Speaker 1: but I promise you it would have been worse if
Speaker 1: it had. You know, sometimes in our lives and I
Speaker 1: know I've felt this way sometimes when we can't recognize
Speaker 1: the situation we're in, there's a bigger higher power that's
Speaker 1: pulling us out of it. And I think it's helpful
Speaker 1: to sometimes look at things like that. Not everything is
Speaker 1: in your control, and sometimes you're someone's doing you a
Speaker 1: favor and you don't even know it's a favor until
Speaker 1: much later, right.
Speaker 4: I think another point similar to that is in the
Speaker 4: beginning of my letter to you, I had mentioned I
Speaker 4: had been content with the idea of being single for
Speaker 4: a very long time, and then this happened. So this
Speaker 4: kind of changes my perspective of relationships, knowing that I
Speaker 4: do have the ability to love another person business it
Speaker 4: may not be this person, but it can happen in
Speaker 4: the future.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, absolutely, You're not a victim. This is a
Speaker 1: good empowering situation, and I beg you to use it,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Use it to make you stronger,
Speaker 1: to make you more aware and to be the person
Speaker 1: that is going to attract the person that you're looking for.
Speaker 1: And in order to be that person, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes we have to do a little bit
Speaker 1: of extra work, and there are lessons along the way.
Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden, you're at this like
Speaker 1: higher level of vibration and you're attracting somebody who's really
Speaker 1: on the level and can see you exactly for what
Speaker 1: you are, and then you join forces and it's explosive.
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't neglect the slow burn. I mean I when
Speaker 2: I first started dating my husband, I had gotten out
Speaker 2: of a relationship that was very like tons of love bombing.
Speaker 2: It wound up becoming very abusive. It was eleven months
Speaker 2: of bad stuff and I, you know, a single for
Speaker 2: a little while. I met Brad, and compared to what
Speaker 2: I had come from, this was just sort of like
Speaker 2: a very nice guy who pursued me and wanted to
Speaker 2: trick me right. And there's something about it if you've
Speaker 2: gone through a relationship where there is a lot of
Speaker 2: love bombing, that a more healthy, stable relationship can seem
Speaker 2: almost boring or a lot less exciting because you don't
Speaker 2: have these extreme high highs and extreme low lows. But
Speaker 2: that stability is also what a healthy relationship is built on.
Speaker 2: So don't neglect the guys that might seem a little
Speaker 2: less exciting at the very beginning. Please take that the
Speaker 2: right way, Brad, But you know it can be good
Speaker 2: for longer term.
Speaker 1: You have to get to know somebody. When there's electricity,
Speaker 1: that's great, but that's not all it takes to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship. That's just chemistry, you know, And that's
Speaker 1: when you spark with someone. And sometimes you know, you
Speaker 1: can get carried away, and it sounds like you got
Speaker 1: carried away. You don't really know him. You don't know
Speaker 1: his character, you don't know his background. You just know
Speaker 1: what he's told you. You know you haven't spent enough
Speaker 1: time with him, with his family, with his friends, all
Speaker 1: of those things matter, and vice versa. He has to
Speaker 1: spend time with you. It's fun and it's great, but
Speaker 1: it's not healthy. How old are you, Brian, I'm thirty.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, Well listen, you're gonna have plenty of people.
Speaker 1: You're gonna have plenty of time to get your heart
Speaker 1: broken again and break other people's hearts. So, you know,
Speaker 1: when you get stuck and miired in it, just try
Speaker 1: and pull yourself out and get that perspective of your
Speaker 1: entire life, not just this moment, and look at your
Speaker 1: whole life and your past and your future. And then
Speaker 1: you're gonna understand that a month is nothing.
Speaker 4: M I really appreciate place outsider perspective. Since I've been
Speaker 4: getting the comments from my friends, it's all they're trying
Speaker 4: to support me and saying, oh, he's gonna come back.
Speaker 4: It's kind of like myopics I've been thinking versus year,
Speaker 4: giving me a more holistic picture, which I really appreciate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's important.
Speaker 2: Well, will you check back in with us in a
Speaker 2: few weeks, Brian, I will, all right, let us know
Speaker 2: how it's going.
Speaker 4: Okay, I will thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Thank thanks, Brian, talking to you.
Speaker 4: Bye bye bye.
Speaker 2: Oh what a sweetie.
Speaker 1: Oh heartbreak.
Speaker 2: I know, you know.
Speaker 1: I remember meeting this fucking guy on MySpace remember my Space?
Speaker 1: And I went out with him. Oh god, I forget
Speaker 1: how many times, but enough, you know, for a couple months,
Speaker 1: maybe a month and a half, but intense. We were
Speaker 1: into each other. Not to the degree that this guy's
Speaker 1: talking about, because I would never FaceTime that long. But
Speaker 1: I don't even know about FaceTime at that point. I
Speaker 1: don't know if we had it because MySpace.
Speaker 2: I don't even think we had iPhones like then.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we had the Internet. And he blew
Speaker 1: me off. He goes to me. I was like in
Speaker 1: my twenties, and I was obsessed with finding out what happened.
Speaker 2: Ghosting is the worst.
Speaker 1: Yeah, obsessed with finding out what happened? What is it
Speaker 1: because of something I did? Is it because of something
Speaker 1: I said? Did I do that? Did I get too drunk?
Speaker 1: Did I whatever? Just obsessed there had to be a reason.
Speaker 1: And it's like, sometimes there just isn't a fucking reason.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter at all. It just
Speaker 1: matters how you kind of react to those situations, and
Speaker 1: when you let them envelop you and take over your mind,
Speaker 1: it just has such a negative impact on everything else
Speaker 1: that's going on in your life at that moment.
Speaker 2: Yep, it definitely does. I think he's gonna be just fine,
Speaker 2: And I'm glad that he sort of learned how to
Speaker 2: be vulnerable in this situation and he could rain that
Speaker 2: into a healthy degree in his next interaction. I think
Speaker 2: that's perfect. That's exactly what he's But he met the
Speaker 2: person who wanted to take advantage maybe of that vulnerability,
Speaker 2: Like right at the moment he decided to like give
Speaker 2: it all away, and you got to give it out
Speaker 2: in increments, you know, people have to earn it.
Speaker 1: I like the phrase welcome the pain, you know.
Speaker 2: I like that.
Speaker 1: I read that in some book and it ran deep
Speaker 1: with me because I just it's a great way to
Speaker 1: look at a hard situation, because I feel like, you know,
Speaker 1: we all go through difficult breakups and we all get
Speaker 1: our hearts broken and we all heal. Yeah, so you're
Speaker 1: not some you know people think it's it's never gonna
Speaker 1: be okay again. It's gonna be okay again. You're everyone
Speaker 1: just survives this. There's not a lot of people who
Speaker 1: haven't been in love or haven't had their heart broken.
Speaker 1: It happens a lot, and I think welcoming the pain
Speaker 1: is a great idea to think about. Welcome it. The
Speaker 1: sooner you go through it, the sooner it is out
Speaker 1: of you, and the sooner the next adventure is right
Speaker 1: around the corner. Yeah, so welcome it, bring it in,
Speaker 1: let it run through you, and then you're going to
Speaker 1: be moving on. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And you you said something like this when we were
Speaker 2: talking to him as well. But one of my girlfriends says,
Speaker 2: rejection is protection, and that's exactly what the situation feels
Speaker 2: like to me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 2: Well, should we take another caller.
Speaker 1: Yeah, hey, yeah, yeah, I like our one on one episodes.
Speaker 2: No, they're kind of fun.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we can really get down.
Speaker 2: To business, Yes, exactly, get gran yellow with people. This
Speaker 2: call is from Maggie. She says, Dear Chelsea, in the
Speaker 2: spring of twenty sixteen, I had to end a toxic
Speaker 2: friendship with someone I had considered a best friend and
Speaker 2: so of six years let's call her Amanda. Amanda had
Speaker 2: been exhibiting problematic, manipulative, and abusive behavior towards me and
Speaker 2: others that I had been clocking for a while and
Speaker 2: could no longer handle or tolerate in my life. Ultimately,
Speaker 2: I've not regretted this decision, except for genuinely missing her
Speaker 2: and the best of times we had in the past.
Speaker 2: But I've completely moved on and I'm so happy in
Speaker 2: the friendships I have kept and cultivated before and since then,
Speaker 2: things have been relatively easy to navigate, minus one mild
Speaker 2: run in at an event, especially since I have the
Speaker 2: positive mindset about my decision and hold no hard feelings
Speaker 2: towards Amanda. I genuinely wish are the best. Until now,
Speaker 2: our mutual best friend is getting married and we will
Speaker 2: be attending the same bridal party events together. Now, I
Speaker 2: don't know how it can be more clear to everyone
Speaker 2: that it's all good. We chill, at least on my end,
Speaker 2: but the bride to bee has asked me if things
Speaker 2: will be awkward and uncomfortable. Of course not, is my answer,
Speaker 2: but I can see it's weighing on her. I can't
Speaker 2: help but think that Amanda has mentioned something or given
Speaker 2: them impression to the bride that things could be uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: The bride has always been very conscious of not mentioning
Speaker 2: us to the other, which I have told her a
Speaker 2: few times is not necessary because I'm frickin' good. To
Speaker 2: ease the bride's nerves, I have offered to reach out
Speaker 2: to Amanda and say hello and gently let her know
Speaker 2: everything is good on my end, and I look forward
Speaker 2: to enjoying the events leading up to the wedding together
Speaker 2: in an amicable fashion. However, I'm finding the words to
Speaker 2: be really difficult to get down in a draft. Amanda
Speaker 2: is an incredibly sensitive and intelligent person whose ability to
Speaker 2: pick apart a well meaning message and its unsaid quote
Speaker 2: potential demeaning nature is astounding. Her superpower is to take
Speaker 2: offense to anyone who even breathes wrong around her, and
Speaker 2: that's what worries me. If I don't choose my words
Speaker 2: ever so carefully. Instead of diffusing and creating a positive
Speaker 2: environment for the bride, things will be awkward and tense
Speaker 2: because she's incapable of letting go and letting these special
Speaker 2: days be about someone else. Please help Maggie.
Speaker 1: Hi, Maggie, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, good, this is Catherine. Who
Speaker 1: you know? How are you? Yeah?
Speaker 2: I got there? Good?
Speaker 1: Thank you?
Speaker 5: How about yourself?
Speaker 1: We're good, We're good. Okay, so this is a good situation. Well,
Speaker 1: let's write this letter together. First of all, my question
Speaker 1: is what is her relationship with the bride these days?
Speaker 1: Is the bride aware of her toxicity?
Speaker 5: I don't think that she's aware. They're still fairly close friends.
Speaker 5: The bride and I, I think spend more time together
Speaker 5: and we're a little bit closer. But the bride she's
Speaker 5: just the sweetest person, and so I think she is
Speaker 5: tolerant of a little bit more kind of toxic behavior.
Speaker 1: That this girl has shown.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I was kind of snapped out of it
Speaker 5: a few years ago, but they're still close.
Speaker 1: Okay, So when did your relationship end with this woman?
Speaker 5: Twenty sixteen.
Speaker 1: Oh, so it's been a while.
Speaker 5: It's been a really long time. So I'm very good
Speaker 5: where I'm at. There's been one or two times where
Speaker 5: the ex friend has either tried to reach out to
Speaker 5: me through the bride or another mutual friend, maybe trying
Speaker 5: to rekindle things. But I've kind of said, you know,
Speaker 5: enough time has passed and I like, I'm a.
Speaker 1: Good Okay, you sound good. Listen everything you wrote in
Speaker 1: that letter, you sound totally healthy and with it. So
Speaker 1: let's just phrase how you're going to put this right.
Speaker 1: I think you just make it all about your friend
Speaker 1: that's getting married. Yeah, this is about her. I want
Speaker 1: the focus to be on her. I have no ill
Speaker 1: will towards you, and I'm looking forward to spending this
Speaker 1: time with you. I think we're all going to have
Speaker 1: a great time. Yeah right. I think short and sweet
Speaker 1: is the best way so that she can't go in
Speaker 1: and parse your language.
Speaker 5: Yes, short and sweet, keep it positive, keep it about
Speaker 5: the bride.
Speaker 1: Okay, great, So what are you thinking about writing?
Speaker 2: Hey?
Speaker 5: I hope you're doing well. I'm so happy for our friends. Yes,
Speaker 5: we know that moving forward we will be seeing some
Speaker 5: of each other and just want to reach out and
Speaker 5: say looking forward to having a really great time and
Speaker 5: making it just about the bride, you know, and we
Speaker 5: can enjoy ourselves too.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I think everything you said is perfect. But
Speaker 1: don't I don't say making it just about the bride
Speaker 1: because that implies that there's tension. So I think you
Speaker 1: should say I can't wait to celebrate her with you,
Speaker 1: and I think we're all gonna and I'm looking forward
Speaker 1: to having a great weekend and I just wanted to touch
Speaker 1: base so that you know that I'm coming with a
Speaker 1: heart full of love something like that, you know, And
Speaker 1: I like that. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think Chelsea is right too, you know, especially because
Speaker 2: this friend has reached out and made an attempt at
Speaker 2: rekindling a relationship. You don't have to do that, but
Speaker 2: I think Chelsea's right to be like, you know what,
Speaker 2: let's go and have a great time. It doesn't mean
Speaker 2: you have to become best friends with her again, being like, hey,
Speaker 2: we're going to have a good time together at this event.
Speaker 2: You know you're going to be at together. I think
Speaker 2: it's safe.
Speaker 5: Right, So not delving too much into the past or
Speaker 5: focusing no, no, I know things have been Just keep
Speaker 5: it for twenty sixteen.
Speaker 1: You're talking about like seven years, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: don't even bring it up. Just move forward because who knows. Listen,
Speaker 1: she might be different too. You don't know if she's
Speaker 1: been to therapy and it has some self awareness now,
Speaker 1: or if she's changed. So don't assume that she's the
Speaker 1: same person she was. Absolutely, even if it comes up
Speaker 1: at the wedding, which it shouldn't, you should be like, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: this is about This is about the woman that's getting married.
Speaker 1: This is your tribute to her. You're writing this letter
Speaker 1: because of her. You're going to have a great time
Speaker 1: and not focus on the past because of her. Just
Speaker 1: be in the moment that you're in, you know, and
Speaker 1: just spread positivity in that letter. Make it short and sweet,
Speaker 1: no longer than five sentences.
Speaker 2: Do you still have her phone number? Or do you
Speaker 2: follow her on social media? I would have to.
Speaker 5: Reach out on social media. I think back, however, many
Speaker 5: years ago it was I probably did block her number,
Speaker 5: probably on you know, whatever social media we were using
Speaker 5: at the time. But I think I would still be
Speaker 5: able to reach out as like a DM or something.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, I mean, I honestly would say like a
Speaker 2: DM or a text feels less formal than an email
Speaker 2: or something like that. So maybe because you're keeping it
Speaker 2: short and sweet, that might feel like a less pressure
Speaker 2: just to be like, hey girl, looking forward to celebrating
Speaker 2: our friend with you, excited to part whatever. But I
Speaker 2: love Chelsea what you said about like coming with a
Speaker 2: heartful of love. It's going to be exciting.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're going to be just fine. You're in a
Speaker 1: good place. You're a good person. And this woman, I
Speaker 1: bet has changed a little bit. I don't think she's
Speaker 1: gonna want the drama, you know. I mean a lot,
Speaker 1: a lot of time has passed.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, and if she does, you know what, you
Speaker 2: have to know that you did the right thing and
Speaker 2: you can't control her behavior. So if she does snipe
Speaker 2: about it to someone else, okay, then she's going to
Speaker 2: do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just take a higher path and then that way,
Speaker 1: there's like you haven't done any you haven't been bad
Speaker 1: mouthing her. You're not going to that's not your game.
Speaker 1: And you're just there to celebrate your girlfriend and her
Speaker 1: special day.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, okay, great, Well, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you. It's nice to talk to you. Good luck,
Speaker 1: You too.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Let us know how it goes.
Speaker 5: Oh well, thank you both.
Speaker 2: Hi, Maggie, bye well. Our last caller is Farren. Farren
Speaker 2: says Dear Chelsea. Years the hot Goss. I met a
Speaker 2: guy on Hinge back in September. We had a lot
Speaker 2: in common and it was lovely, but I wasn't feeling
Speaker 2: it at the time. I told him I was not
Speaker 2: interested in him romantically, and we decided to remain friends.
Speaker 2: We attempted to make plans a couple times, but never
Speaker 2: ended up hanging out. A while later, I realized I
Speaker 2: had been closing myself off to potential romantic situations as
Speaker 2: a defense mechanism. Subconsciously, I was rejecting myself first and
Speaker 2: taking myself out of the situation before any man could
Speaker 2: reject me. Thanks childhood conditioning. Anyway, I see things through
Speaker 2: a different, more open hearted lens.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 2: In December he reached back out. This is like two
Speaker 2: months after they had originally gone out. With this new
Speaker 2: and open mind, I decided to meet him for coffee
Speaker 2: a few weeks ago. I had such a fun time
Speaker 2: with him. He's easy to talk to. Where both spiritual
Speaker 2: sit with plant medicine really into evolving, and it's really
Speaker 2: meaningful to have someone to relate to those things about.
Speaker 2: We ended up talking on the phone for over an
Speaker 2: hour after the coffee hang. The problem is, now I'm
Speaker 2: sure he sees me as just friendship vibes because I
Speaker 2: previously told him I wasn't interested. Now I'm feeling interested
Speaker 2: and having the option of this getting romantic down the line,
Speaker 2: and definitely want to make out with him. However, even
Speaker 2: though I do find him attractive, I'm not entirely certain
Speaker 2: if I'm fully physically attracted to him or not. If
Speaker 2: that makes sense, The question is do I say something
Speaker 2: to him about how I'm feeling even though I don't
Speaker 2: know if I'm one hundred percent into it or not,
Speaker 2: or just go about being friends and leave it alone.
Speaker 2: Who knows what may happen organically. I love you all.
Speaker 2: This podcast is the fucking best, Chelsea. Your new Netflix
Speaker 2: special is Bonker's hilarious. Farren Hi, Farren, Hi.
Speaker 1: Farren Hi, thanks for having me. How are you? I'm good?
Speaker 4: How are you guys?
Speaker 1: We're good? Girl. I think you should go for it
Speaker 1: and just ask him like this is a little life
Speaker 1: situation that could turn into something great or it could
Speaker 1: just be a blip. You're not trying to pursue a
Speaker 1: friendship right with him.
Speaker 7: I would so previous. I would pursue men or text
Speaker 7: or try to make plans, but it was coming from
Speaker 7: a very like scarcity mindset anxiety place. And now I
Speaker 7: am really looking to be pursued. And I would continue
Speaker 7: to be friends with him because it's nice to be
Speaker 7: able to have these kind of deep conversations with someone
Speaker 7: and be able to integrate with somebody who's on a
Speaker 7: spiritual path as well. I would risk it too, but
Speaker 7: I don't want to be in a position where I'm
Speaker 7: doing that again, kind of pursuing, because that's not the
Speaker 7: look I want.
Speaker 1: I don't think you are though, I don't think you are.
Speaker 1: You're judging yourself on your past behavior, not on your
Speaker 1: present behavior. You don't have to be desperate about it.
Speaker 1: You have to just be upfront, like, hey, I actually
Speaker 1: kind of had like a little spark, or when you
Speaker 1: go out again and you know, have a drink and
Speaker 1: then see if that changes things, and you can say
Speaker 1: it in person, just like hey, I'm feeling something. I
Speaker 1: don't know if this is anything, but what about what
Speaker 1: do you think that's not desperate. That's just being direct.
Speaker 1: So make sure you know the distinction between the two.
Speaker 1: Because your old behavior isn't relevant to this situation. We
Speaker 1: get caught up in our past behavior instead of saying
Speaker 1: I'm not like that anymore. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I also think there are extraordinarily few straight guys who,
Speaker 2: especially after they've expressed interest in a girl, are willing
Speaker 2: to hang out just as friends if they're not eventually
Speaker 2: trying to sleep with her. Like, I am sure he's
Speaker 2: still interested.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I am too.
Speaker 2: I would be shocked if he's not. And if he wasn't,
Speaker 2: he wouldn't be going to coffee, you know, he just wouldn't.
Speaker 2: He'd be like cool, Like just friends usually means like
Speaker 2: I'll never see you again, especially with online dating. So
Speaker 2: I don't think you have to worry about like, oh no,
Speaker 2: he sees me as just a friend. No, flirt hard,
Speaker 2: tell him you're into him. See what happens?
Speaker 7: How do you flirt hard?
Speaker 2: Touching on the hand, touching on the arm, basically what
Speaker 2: I do with Chelsea where in person?
Speaker 1: I just I mean, yeah, just go. That was such
Speaker 1: a fun conversation. I really dug it, you know, or
Speaker 1: whatever your language is, you know, what I mean, how
Speaker 1: just go? That was really fun. I was kind of
Speaker 1: surprised by how I felt when I left there. I
Speaker 1: don't know, are you interested even if he says no,
Speaker 1: which she's not going to. If he says no, who cares? Great? Okay,
Speaker 1: check that and then you can be friends with him
Speaker 1: if that's fine with you. But it's not a big deal.
Speaker 1: It's a good exercise as a woman to demonstrate directness
Speaker 1: and in a gentle, you know, kind of sexy way.
Speaker 1: You can be flirty about it, and then that's your
Speaker 1: new thing. Say he says no, then it's like, okay, great,
Speaker 1: well we can still be friends, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And then you can if you want, and if not,
Speaker 1: something might happen with you, guys. And the other option
Speaker 1: is that you know you will like him and that
Speaker 1: you are attracted to him. It's totally normal to gain
Speaker 1: attraction to somebody talking to them more, you know, and
Speaker 1: having a real deep, meaningful conversation. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I know you had mentioned that he's out
Speaker 2: of town so you hadn't heard from him. But it's
Speaker 2: also like friend, so why would he call? Like make
Speaker 2: the next move be the next one to be like, hey,
Speaker 2: let's go out again. Maybe let's grab a cocktail. That
Speaker 2: will make it a little easier to flirt as well.
Speaker 6: We both don't drink.
Speaker 2: Oh well, then don't grab a car.
Speaker 1: I knew you were going to say that. I knew
Speaker 1: it when I said drink the first time. I could
Speaker 1: sell by your face that you don't drink. But that's okay,
Speaker 1: you don't need to drink. Go do whatever you do.
Speaker 1: What do you just go to coffee yoga? What are
Speaker 1: you in two?
Speaker 7: Yeah? I mean I was trying to think of like
Speaker 7: a night setting where it could be a little bit
Speaker 7: more of a vibe, but not a bar.
Speaker 1: Well, go listen to some live music or something. Even
Speaker 1: if you go for a walk with somebody for a
Speaker 1: long time. I think once you have a substantial conversation
Speaker 1: with somebody, there's that that is the definition of chemistry, right,
Speaker 1: And whether it's romantic or friendship, you already have the
Speaker 1: chemistry there between each other if you guys sat and
Speaker 1: talked for that long and then called each other afterward.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can also like wait a time or two
Speaker 2: if you're not quite ready to be like, hey, I'm
Speaker 2: super into wait a time or two. See if the
Speaker 2: vibe sticks and take it from there. But I mean,
Speaker 2: if you're feeling something, pursue it. You know, I agree
Speaker 2: with Chelsea, like attraction grows.
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't put so much weight on this situation. This
Speaker 1: is one guy in a sea of and this is
Speaker 1: one moment in your life. This is not the end
Speaker 1: all be all, so don't think of it as such
Speaker 1: an important thing. It's not. And if it's supposed to
Speaker 1: be something and it grows into something, then you're gonna
Speaker 1: be really happy that you did that. Thank you for
Speaker 1: the clarity. That was awesome. Yeah, okay, great, good luck
Speaker 1: and let us know what happens.
Speaker 7: Thanks so much, thank you.
Speaker 1: Okay, bye, fair and happy dating.
Speaker 4: Bye.
Speaker 2: She's so cute.
Speaker 1: I know. I wish everyone just go for it. Everyone
Speaker 1: needs to just go for things. Take a chance, take
Speaker 1: a risk. It doesn't matter. So if somebody rejects you,
Speaker 1: who gives a shit? It's like onto the next.
Speaker 2: YEP. When I was in my early twenties or my
Speaker 2: late teens, I guess I went through here and where
Speaker 2: I just like, I'll like, I'm just gonna ask how
Speaker 2: every guy that I find is cute half of them
Speaker 2: turned out to be gay, which was like even better
Speaker 2: because then I made a bunch of friends. But I
Speaker 2: was just like, I'm just gonna ask people out to coffee.
Speaker 2: And it was just so much fun just to be like, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm going to take control of this. It was great. Yeah. Great, Well,
Speaker 2: let's take a quick break, Chelsea, and we'll come back
Speaker 2: to wrap up. Okay, and we're back back, and actually,
Speaker 2: I do have one other quick question.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's do a quick question.
Speaker 2: Okay, I will give you a choice because I don't
Speaker 2: know if this one's a little tiggy. But there is
Speaker 2: one about skid marks. And there is also another one
Speaker 2: about should I tell the wife if someone said something
Speaker 2: lude to.
Speaker 1: Me skid marks?
Speaker 2: What questions about marks?
Speaker 1: Yeah, but what's the question?
Speaker 2: So her boyfriend is leaving skid marks everywhere?
Speaker 1: Oh god, no, do the other one. I can't.
Speaker 2: That's kind of what I figured. I was like, it's
Speaker 2: pretty gross.
Speaker 1: Oh gross.
Speaker 2: She's wondering if it's a deal breaker. I'm like, it's yeah,
Speaker 2: sort of, yeah, kind of okay, giving them everywhere.
Speaker 1: Where in the kitchen, like where's the eaving?
Speaker 2: Can't me just read it?
Speaker 5: All?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: But let's do the other one to close it out,
Speaker 1: because this is so gross.
Speaker 2: Okay, so poppy, says. My boyfriend and I have been
Speaker 2: in a long distance relationship for the last three years.
Speaker 1: Thank god.
Speaker 2: We're both in our early to mid thirties and are
Speaker 2: planning our future together. He's my best friend, true partner,
Speaker 2: and biggest supporter. I can talk to him about anything
Speaker 2: and can be one hundred percent myself around him. But
Speaker 2: I need help navigating a delicate situation. My boyfriend constantly
Speaker 2: leaves poop skid marks around the house. I understand if
Speaker 2: this happens after anal play, but.
Speaker 1: That's not around the house. What does that mean goes
Speaker 1: into it.
Speaker 2: It's worse than you think.
Speaker 1: No, I not.
Speaker 2: The first time it happened. It was over a year ago.
Speaker 2: I noticed a smell and saw marks on the sheets
Speaker 2: out of the corner of my eye. I didn't know
Speaker 2: what it was at first and asked, what's that. When
Speaker 2: he saw what it was, he got super embarrassed and
Speaker 2: apologized profusely. I, of course was understanding. It didn't draw
Speaker 2: extra attention or make the situation worse. I simply changed
Speaker 2: the sheets while he was in the bathroom cleaning himself up.
Speaker 2: The same thing happened during his next visit, but this
Speaker 2: time it got on my expensive duvet. I was grossed
Speaker 2: out and ended up buying a new one. Another time,
Speaker 2: he got a mark on my new couch one week
Speaker 2: after purchasing it.
Speaker 1: Sitting naked on the couch.
Speaker 2: That's what I can't get past. I'm like, he's got
Speaker 2: to put on some underwear.
Speaker 1: First of all, he needs to put on two pairs
Speaker 1: of underwear.
Speaker 2: Yes, there are now countless examples of this happening, and
Speaker 2: I can't take it anymore. The situation has started to
Speaker 2: impact our sex life. Anytime his crouches near my face
Speaker 2: during Bja's sixty nine ing sexy dancing during foreplay, I
Speaker 2: am thinking about his poop and get turned off.
Speaker 1: Okay, Chelsea, this is so so disturbing. Something's wrong. He
Speaker 1: has to go. First of all, I learned this. There
Speaker 1: are two sphincter holes. Okay, so I learned this on
Speaker 1: a gay video about anal sex. There's some sort of
Speaker 1: medical condition for what's happening to him. He shouldn't be
Speaker 1: leaving skid marks everywhere he goes. You have to have
Speaker 1: an honest conversation with him and nip it in the butt.
Speaker 1: This is so gross and no one needs to deal
Speaker 1: with skid marks other than the person who's leaving them,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Of course it's affecting your
Speaker 1: sex life. Of course, you can't sixty nine somebody if
Speaker 1: you think there's shit coming out of their asshole. Fuck.
Speaker 2: I also want to know what sexy dancing has his
Speaker 2: ask near your face. I'm just really excited about that,
Speaker 2: So I agree. I mean, if you've had a conversation
Speaker 2: about like are you wiping appropriately? I mean you could
Speaker 2: just like leave some cottonelle wipes in the bathroom that
Speaker 2: might help to but you do have to talk about it.
Speaker 1: Yes, you have to tell him. It doesn't matter if
Speaker 1: he's embarrassed. It's about fixing the problem because there could
Speaker 1: be like some sort of reason for this. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I think it there is because it's not natural or
Speaker 1: he's not wiping properly.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I feel like if he's not wiping properly,
Speaker 2: then he wouldn't be that embarrassed. So like maybe it
Speaker 2: is like a little leagy medical issue. Oh you know,
Speaker 2: like maybe he's wiping fine, but then he's got a
Speaker 2: litt leak happening, so he should talk to his doctor
Speaker 2: for sure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not that kind of doctor. I don't know
Speaker 1: about assholes.
Speaker 2: Well, Poppy, we wish you the best of luck. And also,
Speaker 2: just like, have your boyfriend put on underwear in your
Speaker 2: house it's.
Speaker 1: While you're having sex. Make him wear underwear while you're
Speaker 1: having sex.
Speaker 2: Maybe up a shower before four play?
Speaker 1: Maybe yeah, washing his asshole all the time.
Speaker 2: Maybe only shower sex from now on?
Speaker 1: Can we add on a better note than this? Do
Speaker 1: you have another one?
Speaker 2: We can't? Chelsea?
Speaker 1: That was upsetting for her. I'm sorry, No, I'm so sorry. Okay, So,
Speaker 1: dear Chelsea, I'm a big fan here. I'm a twenty
Speaker 1: nine year old female working.
Speaker 2: As a waitress. I waited recently on an older couple
Speaker 2: sixty five or seventy five years old, and they seemed normal,
Speaker 2: But when the wife stepped outside to take a phone call,
Speaker 2: the husband or maybe he was her friend or brother,
Speaker 2: there's no way to know, got weird. He called me
Speaker 2: over to ask me a question, but then decided not to. Okay,
Speaker 2: weird but whatever. Then he continued to stare at me
Speaker 2: as I was cleaning and waiting on the surrounding tables.
Speaker 2: The wife returns, she pays, and he goes to the bathroom.
Speaker 2: When he returned, I was at the computer putting in
Speaker 2: an order when he got too close for comfort and
Speaker 2: whispered something so vulgar to me it stopped me in
Speaker 2: my tracks. All I could do was wave him away,
Speaker 2: as I'm not a confrontational person and the owner of
Speaker 2: the restaurant was sitting at the bar. They left shortly after.
Speaker 2: As I was cleaning the perverts table, I noticed that
Speaker 2: his wife, question Mark, had filled out the receipt to
Speaker 2: sign up for our rewards program with her email. My
Speaker 2: question is should I make a fake email and contact
Speaker 2: her to tell her this guy as a sicko and
Speaker 2: as a worthless pile of trash. I know it won't
Speaker 2: really do anything, but god, it would feel so good.
Speaker 2: This type of thing hasn't happened since I was twenty,
Speaker 2: and I always said if it happened again, I would
Speaker 2: ruin their day. And I bitched out again. I think
Speaker 2: that's the worst part. What should I do? Emily?
Speaker 1: Well, I think it sounds like you're going to have
Speaker 1: an opportunity to say something to his face, and I
Speaker 1: think that's the move, not saying something to his wife,
Speaker 1: because what's the point of that. That's kind of a
Speaker 1: cop out too, emailing her anonymously. I mean, a that's inappropriate.
Speaker 1: He can't talk to you like that. Whatever he said
Speaker 1: that was vulgar is not appropriate. And so I think
Speaker 1: if they signed up for your rewards program, you're going
Speaker 1: to see him again, and I think you should get
Speaker 1: it straight in your head exactly what you're going to
Speaker 1: say the next time, and also just don't wait on
Speaker 1: them again. But I don't think you need to like
Speaker 1: get involved with their marriage. I mean, he's gross. He's
Speaker 1: probably been gross for a long time and she probably
Speaker 1: does know. No, that's a good point, but if it
Speaker 1: does happen again in person, just get something ready to say,
Speaker 1: and then you could say it in front of him
Speaker 1: and his wife if you want to, or you could
Speaker 1: say to him person, or you can talk to your
Speaker 1: manager about what you're going to say, and that you
Speaker 1: don't want to wait on them. I know what it
Speaker 1: feels like to cop out and not say the thing
Speaker 1: that you want to say and defend yourself. I think
Speaker 1: you just have to wait for the moment to arise again,
Speaker 1: and it kind of sounds like it will unfortunately, and
Speaker 1: then you can say something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, I would talk to your manager and let
Speaker 2: them know what happens, and your manager might say, fine,
Speaker 2: then we'll ask them to leave next time they come.
Speaker 2: But I think there's nothing wrong with if someone whispers
Speaker 2: something shitty in your ear, saying loudly to them that like,
Speaker 2: that's not appropriate and I can't believe you said that
Speaker 2: to me, and please leave, even if it's your workplace.
Speaker 2: But also like giving your manager a heads up about
Speaker 2: that ahead of time, we'll probably save your ass a
Speaker 2: little bit with them. All right, Well, Chelsea Catherine, we
Speaker 2: did the Lord's work today.
Speaker 1: Yeah, God, God, Now I'm going to go ski and
Speaker 1: just you know, just let let this all roll off
Speaker 1: my back like a water with duck or whatever the
Speaker 1: fuck that's saying is exactly.
Speaker 2: Like water off a duck's back, exactly precisely.
Speaker 1: Talk talk talk, good goose, Bye bye. Don't forget to
Speaker 1: watch my special on Netflix, you guys. Revolution, it's a revolution. Also,
Speaker 1: I'm going back on tour. Everybody. I have a new tour.
Speaker 1: It's called a little big Bitch because I'm a little
Speaker 1: big bitch and I always have been. Sometimes well now
Speaker 1: I'm a big little bitch. No, I'm still a little
Speaker 1: big bitch. Whatever. Anyway, I'm going back on tour. I'm
Speaker 1: warming up my new one hour that I have to
Speaker 1: create from scratch, but I have some very strong ideas.
Speaker 1: I'm going to be at Zanies Nashville March twenty nine
Speaker 1: through Sunday April six, and then Irvine improv and then
Speaker 1: I have dates theater dates everywhere from Peoria, Illinois, Carmel, Calamus, Zeus, Spokane, Washington, Boise, Idaho, Vegas, Highland, California, Tulsa, Oklahoma,
Speaker 1: and more and more and more. So go to Chelsea
Speaker 1: Hammer dot com for tickets.
Speaker 2: A note on our segment calling in Back Up with
Speaker 2: Better Help. David Yaddish's input is general psychological information based
Speaker 2: on research and experience. It's intended to be general and
Speaker 2: informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an
Speaker 2: established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance.
Speaker 2: David's feedback is in response to a written question, and
Speaker 2: therefore there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,
Speaker 2: just because you might hear something on the show that
Speaker 2: sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.
Speaker 2: Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want
Speaker 2: to find a qualified professional to assess and to explore
Speaker 2: diagnoses if that's important to you. If you or your
Speaker 2: partner or in crisis and uncertain of whether you can
Speaker 2: maintain safety, please reach out for support to crisis hotlines
Speaker 2: or local authorities have a safety plan and that can
Speaker 2: be done with a therapist too, So if you'd like
Speaker 2: advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear
Speaker 2: Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a
Speaker 2: production of iHeartRadio. Executive produced by Nick Stumpf, produced by
Speaker 2: Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.