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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Oh Hi Chelsea, Oh hello, what's up? Greetings

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Speaker 1: from a whistler.

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Speaker 2: It's very white there, because a white white winter wonderland.

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Speaker 1: Actually it's not really a winter wonderland. We've had kind

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Speaker 1: of a low snow season. Although I am heading out today,

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Speaker 1: leaving for a week, and now they're expecting about a

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Speaker 1: foot of snow. So hopefully when I return will be

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Speaker 1: in better shape. Because you know, I have to film

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Speaker 1: my ski video. Oh right, your birthday a ski video.

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Speaker 1: So we were going to do it last week because

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Speaker 1: I had my social media team come up for a

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Speaker 1: little sabbatical. They came up here and where I was like,

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Speaker 1: oh great, I said to Ricardo and Mina, who run

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Speaker 1: the company. It's called Crispy Chicken. That's what attracted me too.

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Speaker 1: I'm still trying to get them to change the name

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Speaker 1: to Krispy Chicken Nuggets, but they're not really biting on

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Speaker 1: that one. Anyway, I had them come up. The three

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Speaker 1: of them came up and we were going to shoot

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Speaker 1: my video and I was like, how proficient are you

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Speaker 1: guys on snowboards? Because I will need your help. I mean,

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Speaker 1: we've got to step it up this year. We need

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Speaker 1: a drone. I need a different backdrop. I want to

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Speaker 1: ski through the trees. So we're trying to like coordinate

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Speaker 1: all this, and I said, how proficient are you and

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Speaker 1: they're like, well, you know, we're not advanced or anything,

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Speaker 1: but we can both, you know, film you on snowboards.

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Speaker 1: And I would like to say that, No they could not.

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Speaker 1: I took them out skiing. Thank god, I did not

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Speaker 1: try to film this with them. They I mean, Mina

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Speaker 1: is a little bit better. But I was like, Ricardo,

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Speaker 1: how often do you snowboard? He's like once a year.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, do you understand what we're dealing with here?

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Speaker 1: Someone's skiing backwards and filming me or snowboarding through the

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Speaker 1: tree treat Well, I mean, I don't know how realistic

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Speaker 1: that's going to be. So we'll see if I even

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Speaker 1: conquer that, because we're going to need a few camera men.

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Speaker 1: But I'm in Whistler, so there's tons of people here

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Speaker 1: that can film skiing for years obviously, you know, so

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Speaker 1: I just have to find the right people.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I, by the way, love Ricardo and Mina. They're fantastic.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they're really really awesome, And we had a great time.

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Speaker 1: We went to Zip lining we went to the bah. Well,

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Speaker 1: I dropped them off. I was like their mama bear.

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Speaker 1: I felt like I was shuttling my kids around from carpool,

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Speaker 1: you know. I would drop them off at school and

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Speaker 1: they picked them up three hours later. I'm like, bye, guys.

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Speaker 1: Then I dropped them off at the grocery store so

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Speaker 1: they could get all the Canadian snacks to bring back,

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Speaker 1: and then I'd pick them up and then they'd get

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Speaker 1: in the car and it just would reek of weed.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, what is that smell? Anyway? So that's been

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Speaker 1: happening up here. Just I love having people shuttle in

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Speaker 1: and out of my little my ski Shelle, It's so

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Speaker 1: fun that I know, Chelsea.

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Speaker 2: Can you settle a marital argument for me? Really good?

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I would love to.

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Speaker 2: So our bedroom we're having some work done on the

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Speaker 2: garage was just right near our bedroom.

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Speaker 1: And are you turning it into what are you turning

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Speaker 1: into Brad's man cave?

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Speaker 2: Well, in addition to podcasting where it happens to be

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Speaker 2: a drummer and musicians, so we're turning it into his

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Speaker 2: music studio.

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Speaker 1: Oh music studio. Okay, that's bad than a man cave, Brad.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, indeed, he can be a lot louder in there.

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Speaker 1: Meanwhile, I just want to go out and say that

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Speaker 1: my whole life is a man cave. For I want

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Speaker 1: to do is being my bed, smoking weed and watching TV.

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Speaker 1: So I may as well have a man cave as well.

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Speaker 1: I love it.

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Speaker 2: You just need a lazy boy, that's all you need

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Speaker 2: in there. But so, it smelled weirdly like pine in

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Speaker 2: our bedroom for the last couple of weeks, and we

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Speaker 2: can't figure out why. But I think it kind of

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Speaker 2: smells like weed. And in my opinion, weed smells a

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Speaker 2: little bit like pine needles. But my loving husband thinks

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Speaker 2: that that is absolutely ridiculous.

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Speaker 3: It's skunky. Weed is skunky. That's why they call it

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Speaker 3: skunky weed.

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Speaker 1: Right, Well, not all weed is skunk. I mean there's

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Speaker 1: a weed that's not skunky. So I think that you're right, Catherine,

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Speaker 1: as usual that there can be a pine smell. For sure,

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Speaker 1: when I walk into my house, it is an overwhelming

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Speaker 1: smell of cannabis. My friend's daughter came over the other

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Speaker 1: day and she goes, she's seven, She goes, what's that smell?

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Speaker 1: I go, don't worry about it.

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Speaker 2: You'll know when you're older.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you're about to find out. But yeah, I think

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Speaker 1: some we can definitely smell like pine. Are you trying

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Speaker 1: to get rid of the smell or do you like

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Speaker 1: the smell?

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Speaker 2: No, I mean it's it's a pleasant smell. But we're

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Speaker 2: just like, why suddenly does this smell like pine? We

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Speaker 2: can't figure it out. So and neither of us are

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Speaker 2: stashing weed in the bedroom. But I think it smells

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Speaker 2: like weed.

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Speaker 1: And well, why don't you start stashing weed? And then

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Speaker 1: that will overwhelm the pine smell, and then that will

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Speaker 1: create more symbiosis in your own perfect more symbiosis and synergy.

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Speaker 2: Well, thank you for settling that argument, and I am

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Speaker 2: so glad that I won.

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Speaker 1: Brad, how do you feel about that outcome?

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Speaker 3: I'm crushed? Okay, my life is a lie.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, this is, by the way, something we've been discussing

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Speaker 2: for like a decade. He's like, weed doesn't smell like pine.

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Speaker 3: Well, it doesn't always smell like skunks, but in this instance,

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Speaker 3: I think it smells like weed, and it smells like

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Speaker 3: skunky weed.

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Speaker 1: Oh you don't smell pine? Oh oh I see, I see.

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Speaker 1: Well it's interesting to me that you're arguing about this,

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Speaker 1: But yet the hard boiled eggs weren't an issue for

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Speaker 1: you at all.

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Speaker 3: Brad Well, I guess I got to turn a blind eye.

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Speaker 1: To some Yeah, it's interesting where you pick your battles.

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Speaker 3: Well, I mean that's marriage right there. You got to

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Speaker 3: pick your battles where you can exactly.

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Speaker 2: So, Chelsea, I wanted to ask you some thoughts about

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Speaker 2: making friends as an adult. I find when I meet

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Speaker 2: somebody that I really like and I want to hang

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Speaker 2: out with them more, I'm not one hundred percent sure

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Speaker 2: how to go about that, how to feel out if

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Speaker 2: they're as into me as I am into them. What

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Speaker 2: are your thoughts? How do you do it?

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Speaker 1: Oh? That's so funny. I mean I'm always making friends

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Speaker 1: as an adult.

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Speaker 2: And you're also constantly meeting new people.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess I'm lucky that way because I'm always

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Speaker 1: bouncing around to different places, so I get to meet

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Speaker 1: new people. I feel like it's a mutual connection. When

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Speaker 1: you have chemistry, it's kind of undeniable. So likely if

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Speaker 1: you're feeling something or like an attraction towards a person

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Speaker 1: that you want to just like, spend more time with

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Speaker 1: or hang out with in a non sexual way, it's

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Speaker 1: pretty easy. It's usually reciprocated. I find yeah, you know,

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Speaker 1: like if someone's texting me going when are we going

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Speaker 1: to hang out? And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: feel the same way. So I just don't feel like

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Speaker 1: who cares about rules as an adult, you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean. It's not like you're a kid and you're

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Speaker 1: so self conscious and thinking about what other people think

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Speaker 1: of you. Or maybe you are self conscious, but even so,

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Speaker 1: it's good to extend invitations and broaden your horizons always,

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Speaker 1: like that's always a good idea to make sure you're

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Speaker 1: keeping everything fresh and making new acquaintances as well as friends.

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Speaker 1: You never know what anyone's going to bring to the table,

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Speaker 1: So I always like to hang out with new people

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Speaker 1: all the time. I'm always interested in a different perspective,

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Speaker 1: you know. And I think a good thing to remember is,

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Speaker 1: like we've talked about this a lot, that all relationships

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Speaker 1: don't last forever. You know, a lot of relationships and

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Speaker 1: a lot of new people come into your life for

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Speaker 1: a reason as well, So you should be open to

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Speaker 1: that aspect of things of like, oh, this might be

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Speaker 1: somebody that I'm supposed to know, are supposed to be

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Speaker 1: friends with, and could be somebody that you're supposed to

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Speaker 1: be friends with for the rest of your life. So

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Speaker 1: I don't think there's any shame in reaching out and

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Speaker 1: being like, hey, you want to hang out, I'm into

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Speaker 1: you or whatever you know, sat into you. But you

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Speaker 1: can say I like to be misconstrued in it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 1: You don't want people to think they're walking into a

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Speaker 1: threuttle situation.

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Speaker 2: So that's how we caught you.

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Speaker 1: That's how I feel sometimes when couples are trying to

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Speaker 1: hang out with me, I'm like, back it up, back,

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Speaker 1: it's a duck up, get away from me. I know

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Speaker 1: what you're up to. I once had two friends come over.

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Speaker 1: It was so funny. I was leaving Reese Witherspoon's Christmas

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Speaker 1: party years ago, and my friend and her husband drove

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Speaker 1: me home and then I was like, do you guys

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Speaker 1: want to come in for a drink? And they came in.

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Speaker 1: It was actually my friend Kate and her ex husband,

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Speaker 1: and they came in and they're sitting at my kitchen

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Speaker 1: counter and I made them cocktails and then I said,

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Speaker 1: just so you guys know, we're not hooking up. And

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Speaker 1: they both looked at each other like what and I

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Speaker 1: was like, I don't know what you guys are into,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not into it. And we've been friends ever since.

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Speaker 2: Gosh, we had a similar experience with a couple friends

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Speaker 2: of ours, and Brad had been hanging out with this guy.

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Speaker 2: They were in a band together. I had met him

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Speaker 2: a few times because he bartended. We just hit it

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Speaker 2: off from the very beginning. Absolutely love this guy. We

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Speaker 2: were in the car together, the three of us, and

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Speaker 2: we were going to meet his wife, and I think

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Speaker 2: i'd met her once or twice, but you know, it

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Speaker 2: was early stages, and I made some joke about, oh, well,

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Speaker 2: you know this is the point where we ask you

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Speaker 2: guys to hook up with us or whatever, and he

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Speaker 2: thought I was serious, and just the backseat of the

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Speaker 2: car went deadly side. That's horrible, like five seconds, and

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Speaker 2: I was like, Matt, I'm joking. And then he was like,

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Speaker 2: oh my god, Thank goodness, because I was really enjoying

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Speaker 2: hanging out with you guys, and that was about to

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Speaker 2: be over.

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Speaker 1: I know, I hate having to say I'm joking, though,

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Speaker 1: you know, I know it's an la thing, like a

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Speaker 1: good barometer or measure of somebody who's worthy of hanging

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Speaker 1: out with as somebody who also knows that that's a joke. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that takes it seriously. No effects to your friend, your new.

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Speaker 2: Friend, that's okay. We still are very good friends with

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Speaker 2: them to this day. That was like a decade ago,

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Speaker 2: so you know, that's great advice. Thank you so much.

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Speaker 2: Just to close it out, what's your go to friend

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Speaker 2: date when you're first meeting someone. Is it let's grab dinner?

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Speaker 2: Is it come over? What's your go to.

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Speaker 1: I mean I recently made a new friend because my

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Speaker 1: neighbor called me. I think I talked about this. My

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Speaker 1: neighbor that I'm building a house next to you got

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Speaker 1: in touch with me and was like, hey, I'm so

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Speaker 1: excited that you're moving next to me. I want to

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Speaker 1: be We're going to be best friends. He's a gay

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Speaker 1: guy obviously, and he's like, I love to party, I

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Speaker 1: love everything you represent. I can't wait for us to

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Speaker 1: be neighbors. We're going to build a finicular behind our

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Speaker 1: houses to meet, or a zipline or whatever. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, that's so fun. And we were trying

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Speaker 1: to hang out. We couldn't make it work. And then

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Speaker 1: I was in Sundance skiing in park City and he

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Speaker 1: was at Sundance at the festival and then we met.

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Speaker 1: We met up there and we had a drink together.

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Speaker 1: I think a drink, A drink is a good or

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Speaker 1: a coffee, like if you're into coffee. I don't really

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Speaker 1: drink coffee. So whenever people suggest that, I'm like whatever,

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Speaker 1: that's life a meeting, Like I have business meetings over coffee. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know where I pret to drink coffee or I

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Speaker 1: have hot tea or who knows. I never know what

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Speaker 1: to get at a coffee place.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what. Starbucks has those not to plug anything,

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Speaker 2: but Starbucks has those like refreshers that are like lightly sweet,

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Speaker 2: they're fruity, and they have a little teeny bit of caffeine.

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Speaker 2: I like those when I'm not into coffee.

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Speaker 1: Oh, they have caffeine. I like anything with caffeine.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's got a little caffeine. I think it's like

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Speaker 2: maybe as much as a cup of tea, or maybe

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Speaker 2: it is a cup of coffee. I don't know. You

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Speaker 2: can ask them about I love that.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for that. Thank you for that recommendation, Catherine.

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Speaker 1: That is meaningful.

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Speaker 2: So how is your house going? I was actually wondering

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Speaker 2: that this morning.

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Speaker 1: Who knows what the hell's happening with my house? I

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Speaker 1: can't even This is a perfect example of my impulsivity.

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Speaker 1: I wanted to get my family out of my house,

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Speaker 1: so I had to send them a strong message. I

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Speaker 1: put the house on the market. And now I have

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Speaker 1: been homeless for two years. Yeah, and I've been in

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Speaker 1: a rental. So oh, I have some other sad news

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Speaker 1: to announce. Actually, I know, okay, I haven't publicly announced

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Speaker 1: it because I don't feel like it. But Bert is

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Speaker 1: no longer with us. I know. I'm so sorry to

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Speaker 1: hear that thank you, thank you, my poor little baby.

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Speaker 1: He's so sweet. But Bernice is still with us, who

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Speaker 1: knows for how long, So I'm gonna have to get

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Speaker 1: her a little companion soon. Anyway, So my baby boy

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Speaker 1: is gone.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear.

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Speaker 1: That thank you. He was such a sweet Oh he

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Speaker 1: was so robust when I got him, and watching him

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Speaker 1: kind of fall apart.

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Speaker 2: Or deteriorate, it was so like, ugh, it's heartbreaking.

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Speaker 1: But you know what I feel like about dogs. I

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Speaker 1: just feel like you gotta pivot that love because you

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Speaker 1: give out so much love to them, and when you

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Speaker 1: lose a dog. It's such an easy transfer of love

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Speaker 1: to find another dog and give another dog a home

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Speaker 1: and then give Bernice another little someone to torture. And

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Speaker 1: so I will be doing that. I'll be on the

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Speaker 1: hunt for a new chow guys soon.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well I will. I'm sure you wor get a

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Speaker 2: lot of emails about this, so I will send things

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Speaker 2: along to you, guys. But yeah, I'm so sorry. It's

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Speaker 2: never easy. It's just never easy.

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Speaker 1: I know it's never easy. But you know what you

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Speaker 1: have to remember about dogs, It's like you gave them

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Speaker 1: a life. He was a rescue and he was in

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Speaker 1: bad shape when I got him, and then he was

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Speaker 1: loved so hard, yes by his birth mother bought Belle,

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Speaker 1: but also by me and all my friends. And he

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Speaker 1: was just such a lover. I mean, I've never had

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Speaker 1: a dog that would lie on me all night long.

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Speaker 1: I just loved that.

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Speaker 2: Oh what a good boy. Yeah, well, just snuggle Bernice

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Speaker 2: a little extra hard next time you see her. And

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Speaker 2: also I loved what Laurel and Jackson said is that

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Speaker 2: we're going to see them again one day. Well, Chelsea,

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Speaker 2: I do have a couple of updates, okay from callers

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Speaker 2: from previous episodes, so should we launch into those? Yeah,

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Speaker 2: all right, fantastic. This one is from our dear friend

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Speaker 2: Bryden Cantelope, who was our sweet Canadian friend. He was

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Speaker 2: in his early twenty and he was like, I want

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Speaker 2: to study fashion, but I'm background friends and family and

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Speaker 2: i want to move to London. So Braiden says, Hi,

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Speaker 2: Chelsea and Catherine, I hope you're both doing well. I'm

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Speaker 2: just emailing to say, while it's been a year, I've

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Speaker 2: finally moved to London. Once my visa was sorted in November,

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Speaker 2: I booked my flights for January and here I am.

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Speaker 2: I've been here nearly a month now, moving into my

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Speaker 2: beautiful flat tomorrow. Honestly, your advice did help give me

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Speaker 2: the little kick in the ass I needed to get

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Speaker 2: over here, and boy, am I glad I did. Thank

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Speaker 2: you both for everything, braid and Cantalope. Ps. I've had

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Speaker 2: a few viewers actually messaged me on my Instagram to

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Speaker 2: see if I made the move. Most recently, someone messaged

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Speaker 2: me just the other day and said they're so happy

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Speaker 2: to see I made the move. How lovely of people.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's so sweet. I love our little community who

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Speaker 1: would have sunk it. You know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: Seriously, it's just lovely.

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Speaker 1: I used to just be a bitch on the E

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Speaker 1: network and now look at the wonder wonderful work we're doing.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I even had a maybe love connection the other day.

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Speaker 2: Someone had listened to you know, someone who was single

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Speaker 2: and said, hey, can you send her my Instagram? So

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Speaker 2: I did. We'll see a straight guy apparently, or at

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Speaker 2: least sometimes straight.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we should look into doing some sort of like

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Speaker 1: matchmaking episode because I really like to set people up

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Speaker 1: and you know, make people get together, force them.

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Speaker 2: I love that. I love that cool. And then our

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Speaker 2: next follow up is from Regina. She was the lesbian

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Speaker 2: who was having an affair with a married woman and

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Speaker 2: she has this to say, Dear Chelsea, I had a

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Speaker 2: fucking fantastic ten day trip to South America. Remember she

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Speaker 2: was she was about to leave. That started the day

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Speaker 2: after we chatted. While I was gone, I had close

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Speaker 2: to zero communication with my lover slash coworker, which is

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Speaker 2: of course what we both needed. When I returned, we

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Speaker 2: amicably talked and agreed that the affair, both emotional and physical,

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Speaker 2: needed to stop. She has stated a few times that

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Speaker 2: she is quote going to tell her partner the truth

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Speaker 2: when she is ready, and who the fuck knows when

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Speaker 2: that will be. I could go into more detail for

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Speaker 2: you about how she's struggling with my new lack of

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Speaker 2: emotional investment in our relationship and my refusal to be

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Speaker 2: vulnerable with her anymore. I think that's great, but it

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Speaker 2: doesn't really matter. What does matter is talking with you

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Speaker 2: was the turning point in this seemingly endless roundabout that

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Speaker 2: I couldn't stop circling. So thank you so fucking much

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Speaker 2: for that. I wanted things to change without having to

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Speaker 2: make any changes. The feedback I got from you and

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Speaker 2: Natasha was the kick in the ass I needed. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: I'm writing tonight to not only give you that brief update,

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Speaker 2: but also to ask one would be a good time

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Speaker 2: for us to get together so we can start our

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Speaker 2: own affair as per your proposal. I'm vaccinated in horny,

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Speaker 2: so let me know when works best for you, Kissy Ritchie.

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Speaker 1: But now I have to start sleeping with my female callers.

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Speaker 1: He's not such a burden tricky. First of all, vaccinated

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Speaker 1: it in Horny tour is over. We are starting a

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Speaker 1: little big bitch tour. Okay, and we just added red Rocks.

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Speaker 2: Oh that's amazing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we added red Rocks. We added there's a bunch

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Speaker 1: of new dates that we added. So check on Chelseahandler

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Speaker 1: dot com for tickets for my new tour, which is

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Speaker 1: going to start in April, little big bitch. It's gonna

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Speaker 1: be so good. I've been writing all my material while

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Speaker 1: I'm writing a fucking book. I'm like Jesus, I have

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Speaker 1: too much to do. Too much writing.

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Speaker 2: You gotta be out there having more life experiences so

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Speaker 2: you have something to write.

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Speaker 1: I know, maybe I should sleepless watch less TV and

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Speaker 1: sleepless and smoke less pot. I'd probably been a lot

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Speaker 1: more productive.

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Speaker 2: But always help help, I use it.

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Speaker 1: I'm using this as downtime.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well as your should. It's vacation time.

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Speaker 1: But back to the matchmaking thing. If anyone is wanting

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Speaker 1: to be hooked up or matchmaked, match made. Anyone want

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Speaker 1: to be matchmaked, let us know right in for that

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Speaker 1: because we will try and facilitate that. And if you

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Speaker 1: are a straight man and you are listening and you

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Speaker 1: are single, we can definitely help you. Because the ratio

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Speaker 1: of women to men listening to this is very high.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and right matchmaking in the subject line, So I know,

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Speaker 2: and we'll see what we can do for you.

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Speaker 1: That's a good idea. I like that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe we'll have to have a matchmaker on or

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Speaker 2: somebody who knows about relationships.

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Speaker 1: We don't need a matchmaker. I know what to do.

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Speaker 2: Isn't it a mitzvah? If you set up three couples

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Speaker 2: who get married?

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Speaker 4: Is it?

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Speaker 2: I think?

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Speaker 5: So?

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Speaker 1: I just set up a couple. One couple, I a

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Speaker 1: gay couple. I don't know what's going to happen with

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Speaker 1: them yet. Or yeah, if you're a gay couple. I mean,

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Speaker 1: gay people want to be set up and they're all

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Speaker 1: listening to this. So that's that's a good idea to

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Speaker 1: write in for that. But also, you know, straight guys

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Speaker 1: would be nice to have some in the mix.

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Speaker 2: Unmarried straight guys as we learned lest with your sisters.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, unmarried.

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Speaker 2: Please, everyone who participates in this must be unmarried. We'll

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Speaker 2: just put it that way.

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Speaker 1: Can you imagine? That's that's the next headline, Chelsea Handler

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Speaker 1: hooks up married woman with married man.

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Speaker 2: It's just Ashley Madison, Chelsea.

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Speaker 1: Madison, Chelsea, Christina Barcelona.

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Speaker 2: Chelsea. Next up. We have a new segment that we're

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Speaker 2: going to be doing, calling and back up with Betterhelp.

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Speaker 2: You want to tell us a little bit more about that.

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Speaker 1: Yes, So sometimes we get questions where I just don't

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Speaker 1: feel it's appropriate for me to be answering. And obviously

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Speaker 1: I joke about being a medical professional, but we know

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Speaker 1: that I'm not. I have no certification or degree. I

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Speaker 1: am just really just spouting stuff straight out of my ass.

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Speaker 1: So we are doing this thing where we have Better

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Speaker 1: Health Therapists, which you know, they're a sponsor of the podcast,

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Speaker 1: and they do great work. It's online therapy, Better Help,

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Speaker 1: it's affordable, all of it's so accessible for anybody who's

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Speaker 1: having trouble or going through something. So we decided to

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Speaker 1: work together in concert with them, and when we have

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Speaker 1: some questions that we don't feel like I can answer appropriately,

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Speaker 1: we are calling in somebody who is more skilled.

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Speaker 2: And with that, David Yaddish, licensed therapy and Clinical operations

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Speaker 2: manager at Betterhelp, is going to join us in a

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Speaker 2: little bit. Great OC says dear Chelsea. I love listening

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Speaker 2: to your podcast, and I've noticed that you are a

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Speaker 2: big proponent of therapy, whether it's individual or couple's therapy.

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Speaker 2: I come from Asia, where therapy is very taboo. Therapy's

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Speaker 2: looked at as something is very wrong with you, or

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Speaker 2: it's also like, how pathetic are you that you need

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Speaker 2: therapy and can't solve your own problems. I've had many

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Speaker 2: issues from my childhood, from my relationship with my mom,

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Speaker 2: who passed away when I was twenty five years old.

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Speaker 2: I'm forty three now, so my husband recommended that I

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Speaker 2: do therapy. I did it for a month or two,

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Speaker 2: despite my cultural belief, and I was never able to

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Speaker 2: be one hundred percent open with the therapist. She did

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Speaker 2: listen a lot and complimented me a lot. To be honest,

433
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,359
Speaker 2: it made me feel great. She then concluded that I

434
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,919
Speaker 2: was totally fine and there was nothing wrong with me.

435
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,520
Speaker 2: Now to my actual question, my husband and I have

436
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,840
Speaker 2: been married for thirteen years, and we have a lot

437
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:59,119
Speaker 2: of differences, simply starting with cultural differences. He's American and

438
00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:02,240
Speaker 2: I'm Far East Asian, so we come from two different

439
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:06,199
Speaker 2: spectrums of the world culturally and geographically. We also have

440
00:20:06,359 --> 00:20:09,760
Speaker 2: very different personalities. Now, we have three amazing kids together,

441
00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:12,320
Speaker 2: and we both love our kids so much that even

442
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 2: though we have a lot of differences and sometimes feel

443
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,960
Speaker 2: like this marriage is not working out. We want to

444
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,480
Speaker 2: push through for the sake of the kids. We both

445
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,679
Speaker 2: do agree that we should go to therapy. However, my

446
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:27,280
Speaker 2: main fear and concern is will therapy break our marriage?

447
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,040
Speaker 2: Do we have so many issues and differences that we

448
00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:32,560
Speaker 2: ignored for so many years that we're opening a can

449
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,880
Speaker 2: of worms? Will therapy make us bring up every issue

450
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,960
Speaker 2: and in the end make us realize we're not right

451
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,159
Speaker 2: for each other? After all? Divorce is absolutely out of

452
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,000
Speaker 2: the question for me. I do not want to put

453
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,119
Speaker 2: my kids through that. Also, I do love my husband

454
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,120
Speaker 2: and I believe he loves me, so I think there's

455
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,520
Speaker 2: a good foundation there and a desire to be together.

456
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,960
Speaker 2: We just never had great communication. Sometimes it feels weird

457
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,080
Speaker 2: to start communication after thirteen years of marriage. Please advise

458
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,800
Speaker 2: if couple's counseling is a good or bad idea for us.

459
00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:04,879
Speaker 2: So let's get our therapist, David on the line and

460
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,959
Speaker 2: maybe he can speak to some of the cultural differences

461
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:12,440
Speaker 2: some of years around going to therapy. Hi David, Hello, Hi.

462
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,520
Speaker 1: David, how are you.

463
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,320
Speaker 6: I'm doing well? How are you guys?

464
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,120
Speaker 1: Great? Thank you well?

465
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,600
Speaker 2: David, what do you have to say about OC's letter.

466
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,000
Speaker 6: I think this is a great question and great to ask.

467
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,320
Speaker 6: It's never too late to start communicating in any relationship, right,

468
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,760
Speaker 6: But therapy could be really scary, and it's going to

469
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:32,560
Speaker 6: be different for every time in your life every therapist

470
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,800
Speaker 6: you see. And one of the things that this writer

471
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,639
Speaker 6: brought up in the beginning is that cultural piece. So

472
00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:42,600
Speaker 6: not every therapist is going to have the same life experience,

473
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,960
Speaker 6: not every therapist is going to have the same anything

474
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,960
Speaker 6: in life, right, But like we can all relate on

475
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:53,640
Speaker 6: a very human level on things about communication, fighting, what

476
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,679
Speaker 6: it's like to just exist in this world together. So

477
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,359
Speaker 6: finding a therapist that maybe is part of the AAPI

478
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:04,120
Speaker 6: community could be really helpful and help bridge that gap

479
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,960
Speaker 6: to get one hundred percent comfortable in a therapy situation,

480
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,119
Speaker 6: because so much of the work that we do as

481
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:13,440
Speaker 6: therapists is about the relationship, right. Anybody who's been in

482
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:17,120
Speaker 6: therapy can talk about if you feel comfortable with your therapist,

483
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,160
Speaker 6: it's so much easier to open up, it's so much

484
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,040
Speaker 6: easier to get to those real, deep core things, and

485
00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:25,919
Speaker 6: that's really important, especially going into couples counseling. There's a

486
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,160
Speaker 6: lot of vulnerability there. Right, you have to talk about

487
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:32,040
Speaker 6: things that aren't working, the challenges that have come up

488
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,879
Speaker 6: for the years, and they talk about being married for

489
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,200
Speaker 6: thirteen years. I'm sure there's a lot of stuff that

490
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,640
Speaker 6: could be talked about, right.

491
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,440
Speaker 2: What do you think, Chelsea?

492
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:42,879
Speaker 1: I think you just have to If you have a

493
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,000
Speaker 1: desire to want to stay in a relationship and your

494
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:49,159
Speaker 1: partner has a desire, then you're using couple's counseling or

495
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:53,160
Speaker 1: a therapist as a bridge to get there. You're enlisting

496
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 1: somebody to help you maintain the relationship. So of course

497
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,440
Speaker 1: it's worth it. And if you go into therapy thinking

498
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:01,320
Speaker 1: you're going to fight out all of these things, all

499
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,040
Speaker 1: you're going to find out is about your differences in

500
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,440
Speaker 1: how people prefer to be communicated with. Those are all

501
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,640
Speaker 1: workable things when you have a common goal.

502
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 2: David, how important do you think it is to find

503
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 2: a therapist who either has a background that's similar to you,

504
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,919
Speaker 2: you know, whatever it is, LGBTQ, or specializes in something

505
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,200
Speaker 2: that you're talking about.

506
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,280
Speaker 6: I think it's really important. Again, not every therapist is

507
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,720
Speaker 6: going to have those exact experiences and still can relate

508
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,760
Speaker 6: on a number of different levels, but it's really important

509
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,640
Speaker 6: to find someone who you can relate to in that way,

510
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:36,440
Speaker 6: like you said, LGBTQ, or a certain religious or cultural experience,

511
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,560
Speaker 6: because then it takes away some of that fear, some

512
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,080
Speaker 6: of that anxiety, some of that misunderstanding in sessions.

513
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:44,760
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm.

514
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,600
Speaker 6: So it could be really valuable experience.

515
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,959
Speaker 2: I love that idea of like finding someone who has

516
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,720
Speaker 2: the same cultural background as you or specializes in whatever

517
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 2: your stuff is. I also will say, you know, as

518
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:59,159
Speaker 2: far as the worry of it's splitting you up, Chelsea,

519
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:00,359
Speaker 2: what do you think about that?

520
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:03,840
Speaker 1: That's just fear, Like that's just not being educated about therapy.

521
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,600
Speaker 1: The idea that therapy is going to split you up

522
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:10,040
Speaker 1: is ridiculous, Like it's it's the opposite. It's true. I mean,

523
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,679
Speaker 1: couples can break up when they go to therapy, but

524
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 1: that's also a good thing because you're revealing your truths

525
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:19,240
Speaker 1: about each other or each other's truths and your own

526
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:23,600
Speaker 1: self truths. So that's unlikely when both people are interested

527
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:24,320
Speaker 1: in a solution.

528
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:25,200
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.

529
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,919
Speaker 2: I know there was a time in my marriage early

530
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,119
Speaker 2: on where I didn't know if we were going to

531
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:35,120
Speaker 2: make it, and we went through couples counseling. And even

532
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 2: though I specifically was at a point where I was like,

533
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,200
Speaker 2: I don't know if this is happening. I don't know

534
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,919
Speaker 2: if this is working. I remember our counselor saying to

535
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,080
Speaker 2: us like, I think you have something special that is

536
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,560
Speaker 2: worth working on. And I think for OC, she and

537
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 2: her husband seem to both have a real willingness to try,

538
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,520
Speaker 2: and I think that's kind of half the battle in

539
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:56,480
Speaker 2: couples counseling.

540
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, usually as long as two people have both feet

541
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,840
Speaker 1: inside the house like that's great, then that's that's an effort,

542
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,359
Speaker 1: and that's what that speaks more than anything else that

543
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,199
Speaker 1: is gonna happen, Like when you have a kind of

544
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,560
Speaker 1: united front and it's totally normal to be with somebody

545
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,880
Speaker 1: for that long and to be fucking annoyed with each other.

546
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:19,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, especially when you have some cultural differences that

547
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:20,919
Speaker 2: you're like, why aren't they just getting this? You know,

548
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 2: this is how I operate. Thanks David for joining us.

549
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:24,919
Speaker 6: Thank you.

550
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 2: Oh see, let us know how things go and report back.

551
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:29,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh see, you keep in touch.

552
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,159
Speaker 2: So we're going to be doing this segment, calling in

553
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,159
Speaker 2: back up with better help from time to time. So

554
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,200
Speaker 2: feel free to write in questions with that in mind,

555
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,320
Speaker 2: and a big thank you to Calling in backups sponsor

556
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 2: Better Help, and of course to David Yaddish, licensed therapist

557
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:46,080
Speaker 2: and clinical operations manager at Better Help. Well, Chelsea, let's

558
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,719
Speaker 2: take a quick break and we'll be right back.

559
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:54,919
Speaker 1: Okay, And we're back.

560
00:25:55,119 --> 00:26:00,760
Speaker 2: We're back, We're back, everybody, Okay, Chelsea, let's start with

561
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 2: a caller today. I have Brian calling in. This is

562
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,760
Speaker 2: dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty eight year old gay man.

563
00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:10,200
Speaker 2: I'm shaken up and could really use your advice. Back

564
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,960
Speaker 2: in November and December, I became very content with the

565
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,520
Speaker 2: idea of being single for a long time or forever.

566
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,639
Speaker 2: But right before New Year's all that changed when I

567
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,920
Speaker 2: met Peter. What was to be a short tender date

568
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:25,879
Speaker 2: turned into a five hour rendezvous of endless conversation, and

569
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 2: I even saw him again the next day. I feel

570
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,760
Speaker 2: like in gay culture, that's like big right. The connection

571
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,159
Speaker 2: was unreal, and just a week later we were dating officially.

572
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,760
Speaker 2: We told each other things we've never told anyone, and

573
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:40,639
Speaker 2: we just could not stop talking to each other. I

574
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 2: felt totally myself around him, and therefore I let my

575
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 2: guard completely down and started falling in love. It was

576
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,719
Speaker 2: long distance, but we spent every weekend of January together

577
00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:53,880
Speaker 2: and during the week we'd FaceTime every day for hours.

578
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,879
Speaker 2: I met his friends, told my parents I was dating someone,

579
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,680
Speaker 2: which I've never done, and we made many travel plans

580
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,160
Speaker 2: to see each other through at least the summer. We

581
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,120
Speaker 2: were both actively applying for jobs in each other's respective

582
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,920
Speaker 2: cities so that we didn't have to be long distance forever.

583
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 2: I recently drove eight hours to spend the week with him.

584
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 2: The week was wonderful and there were no signs of issues,

585
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,600
Speaker 2: and the day after I made my drive back home,

586
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:19,439
Speaker 2: he started texting me a little less frequently. Then he

587
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,639
Speaker 2: called me that evening and said he wanted to break

588
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,160
Speaker 2: off the relationship. For context, he's thirty four and came

589
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,840
Speaker 2: out just a year ago. Shortly after he came out,

590
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,080
Speaker 2: he got into a six month relationship with a man

591
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 2: which ended out of the blue. We met maybe a

592
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,480
Speaker 2: month and a half after that last breakup. His reasoning

593
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,520
Speaker 2: for ending it with me was that he needed space

594
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:40,359
Speaker 2: to be a single, openly gay man. He also cited

595
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,679
Speaker 2: the long distance and his demanding job. I'm just at

596
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,800
Speaker 2: a complete loss. We both communicated our intent that this

597
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:49,199
Speaker 2: relationship was a long term, and he just flipped the

598
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,360
Speaker 2: switch completely one day. Like him, I have my own burdens,

599
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,399
Speaker 2: but those burdens became completely eclipsed by the feelings I

600
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,879
Speaker 2: have for him. We ended the breakup call with the

601
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,560
Speaker 2: possibility of getting in touch and rekindling at some point,

602
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:04,920
Speaker 2: whatever that means. Chelsea, Please help me process what's going on. Brian.

603
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,040
Speaker 4: Hi, Brian, Hi there, Hi.

604
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Brian. That happened, thank you.

605
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:16,040
Speaker 4: It happened two days ago now, so it's very very recent,

606
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,440
Speaker 4: and I'm okay.

607
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 1: And how many months were you guys together? Five? Did

608
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 1: you say?

609
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:22,600
Speaker 4: Just one month? Actually?

610
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 1: Oh? Sorry, okay, so you were oh so one month? Okay. Well,

611
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: the good news is it's going to take you a

612
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,000
Speaker 1: much quicker time to get over a one month dalliance.

613
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:35,399
Speaker 1: It sounds a lot like uh, love bombing from just

614
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 1: hearing your letter to be that intense that quickly. I

615
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 1: was reading about love bombing once because my girlfriend was

616
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: going through the same thing. And it's like somebody's explosively

617
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:49,080
Speaker 1: in love with you right just on. You're facetiming all

618
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 1: day long, you're telling you're making future plans premature to

619
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 1: when that's appropriate. And if you guys, doing all of

620
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 1: that with inside of one month is a big red flack.

621
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:03,479
Speaker 1: So that's an unhealthy dynamic. Anyway, you know you're supposed

622
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,680
Speaker 1: to you can totally be into somebody that much, but

623
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,000
Speaker 1: starting to make plans like that and acting like that,

624
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 1: it's just it's not stable, do you know what I mean? Like,

625
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,720
Speaker 1: it's not a slow burn and a slow growth where

626
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:16,680
Speaker 1: it goes like this in a regular ascent, in a

627
00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 1: healthy way. So it sounds a little bit unhealthy, which

628
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 1: is why you probably feel spun out right now.

629
00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,640
Speaker 4: The reason for it kind of escalating that quickly was

630
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 4: that it was long distance and we just had this

631
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,280
Speaker 4: strong media connection right from the get go. It had

632
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:35,960
Speaker 4: a conversation at the very beginning of the relationship ship

633
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,240
Speaker 4: saying this is long term and we're gonna see it through,

634
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,479
Speaker 4: and we committed to that throughout the month, and just

635
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:44,560
Speaker 4: the other day, out of the blue, it was like

636
00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:46,840
Speaker 4: a switch and he said, no, I can't do this.

637
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,520
Speaker 4: I do understand what you're saying about love bombing though

638
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:53,560
Speaker 4: that it seemed like it was too quick, But and

639
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:58,480
Speaker 4: in the breakup call, I tried to almost negotiate with him, saying,

640
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:01,719
Speaker 4: why don't we just like blow it down instead of

641
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:04,080
Speaker 4: just having this clean break, given that we are so

642
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 4: into each other and he just wasn't really seeing my

643
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:08,840
Speaker 4: perspective on that.

644
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:12,160
Speaker 1: Did you bring up, Hey, what about everything you said

645
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:13,800
Speaker 1: and the commitment that we were making.

646
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 4: I did a little bit.

647
00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 1: Because that is also part of love bombing, making big

648
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: commitments and then turning off immediately like a switch. You

649
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: shower someone with love, shower them with love, and then

650
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 1: you're gone.

651
00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:27,880
Speaker 2: And big promises and big stuff like that.

652
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 1: I think that Brian, it doesn't really matter what's going

653
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,080
Speaker 1: on with him. It matters what's going on with you.

654
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:36,280
Speaker 1: You know, because I'm talking to you right now and

655
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 1: I understand how you're feeling. I've been there, We've all

656
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: been there. You feel like you have the rug pulled

657
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,320
Speaker 1: out from underneath you. But there's a lot of advantages

658
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:45,280
Speaker 1: to the situation that I don't think you can see yet.

659
00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:47,880
Speaker 1: A it was a very short amount of time. You

660
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 1: will get past this sooner than later. I know it

661
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like that in this moment, but after a

662
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,640
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, your feelings will subside. I promise you

663
00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:58,960
Speaker 1: that your feelings will subside. You're still going to be

664
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 1: hurt because it's hurt. It's not leaving it open ended.

665
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess you're kind of leaving it open ended.

666
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,440
Speaker 1: But that was at your behest, not his. So I

667
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,200
Speaker 1: think that look at his behavior for what it is

668
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,280
Speaker 1: and what it was. You made that commitment to him,

669
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 1: barely knowing him, getting to know him long distance, and

670
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 1: you meant it, and he made that commitment and he

671
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:23,560
Speaker 1: didn't mean it right. So I think that character assessment

672
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:27,720
Speaker 1: is really integral into your healing and understanding. You don't

673
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,040
Speaker 1: want to be with someone who says things like that

674
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,080
Speaker 1: and then turns around and freaks out. Now, listen, if

675
00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 1: he comes back to you in a couple of weeks

676
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:38,040
Speaker 1: or a couple months and says, oh my god, I'm

677
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 1: so sorry. I want to do this again, Like you

678
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 1: need to set some boundaries and ground rules. That's not

679
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,200
Speaker 1: cool what you did. I was in it with you.

680
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,160
Speaker 1: We made a commitment. I thought we were working in

681
00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:51,000
Speaker 1: a unified front together, and then you pulled the rugout

682
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:53,520
Speaker 1: from under me. I don't think you've done anything wrong.

683
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,239
Speaker 1: I think you're just going to need some time to

684
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:57,960
Speaker 1: get around it. But I don't think you should have

685
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 1: any contact with him. I don't think you should reach

686
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:01,840
Speaker 1: out to him. I think you should give him. I

687
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: think when somebody asks for space, you should give them

688
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:05,200
Speaker 1: double Okay.

689
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 4: Unfortunately, yesterday I wrote him a letter. Okay, It's very

690
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 4: cathartic for me, given that it was a quick thirty

691
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 4: minute phone call with a lot of awkward pauses. I

692
00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:18,080
Speaker 4: was just totally in shock. So instead I wrote him

693
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,800
Speaker 4: a letter like twelve hours later, and I nailed it

694
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 4: to him, explaining like how I was so hurt given

695
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 4: the circumstances, and as far as moving forward, I only

696
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:32,160
Speaker 4: want to hear from him if he's in the space

697
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,440
Speaker 4: that he wants to reach out to me.

698
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:34,080
Speaker 2: Okay.

699
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:39,040
Speaker 4: So I left the possibility open. And I've spoken to

700
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 4: some of my friends about this, given them the context,

701
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 4: and they keep saying they expect him to come back

702
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,000
Speaker 4: at some point, and I'm wondering if that's your take

703
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:52,120
Speaker 4: on it too. You kind of alluded to that, but.

704
00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:55,600
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. Yeah, there's a possibility, and

705
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,040
Speaker 1: I think that sometimes helps people get over their healing,

706
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,600
Speaker 1: the idea that someone's going to come back. And that's fine.

707
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,959
Speaker 1: Whatever you need to do to move on. The important

708
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:07,440
Speaker 1: thing is like, yeah, you can assume that. I don't

709
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,040
Speaker 1: know if he's going to come back. I have no

710
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 1: idea who this guy is, obviously so and I'm not

711
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:16,280
Speaker 1: a palm reader, but I think it's an opportunity for

712
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:20,520
Speaker 1: you to kind of restabilize now that he's out of

713
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,800
Speaker 1: the picture. If he does come back, I want you

714
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 1: to be have a stronger sense of self and of

715
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 1: boundaries and what's healthy and what isn't if and when

716
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,480
Speaker 1: that does happen, and if it's not him, for the

717
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:35,120
Speaker 1: next person. It's not healthy to get that crazy and

718
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 1: that together in a month. It's understandable that you have

719
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:41,440
Speaker 1: an attraction, but long distance. I've had long distance relationships,

720
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 1: I've dated long distance. It's not necessary to get like that,

721
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. That's a build because if

722
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,440
Speaker 1: you start in one month and you guys are on

723
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,080
Speaker 1: the phone however many hours a day, you're facetiming all

724
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 1: that stuff that's never going to last, and you have

725
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 1: nowhere to go from the first month, you have nowhere

726
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 1: to climb. You know, you want like a healthy long

727
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:04,240
Speaker 1: term relationship, right, is that what you're after? Ultimately?

728
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 6: Yes?

729
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:08,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I think this is a lesson for you

730
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:11,080
Speaker 1: to just consider all of those things and think about

731
00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,400
Speaker 1: how you want to move forward in the next relationship

732
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:15,320
Speaker 1: or if this guy does return.

733
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:19,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think there's a little bit of guarding your

734
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:22,200
Speaker 2: heart that should happen if you do hear from him again.

735
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:25,040
Speaker 2: And I also think, you know, having written him the letter,

736
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,799
Speaker 2: jives with what Chelsea was saying. You said, the door

737
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,320
Speaker 2: is open if you want to contact me, but I'm

738
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 2: not gonna chase you. I also think when you're long distance,

739
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,960
Speaker 2: especially from the beginning, there's an opportunity for you to

740
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,920
Speaker 2: live in the fantasy of this is going to be

741
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:44,160
Speaker 2: so amazing, it's going to be great, all the amazing

742
00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:46,920
Speaker 2: things were so in love, but you're not dealing with

743
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,279
Speaker 2: the day to day of like being around each other,

744
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:53,279
Speaker 2: of like the everyday annoyances of you know, you came

745
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:55,160
Speaker 2: home pissed because you had a bad day at work

746
00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:57,040
Speaker 2: and he's got to deal with you. You know, all

747
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,600
Speaker 2: of that stuff is not present, and so it's very

748
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:03,719
Speaker 2: easy to only experience like the exciting part of it.

749
00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:05,880
Speaker 2: Who knows if he's going to come back, but if

750
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:07,920
Speaker 2: he does, I think you got to guard your heart

751
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:09,520
Speaker 2: a little bit right.

752
00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 4: I'm just in shock, given that I have a tendency

753
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:16,920
Speaker 4: to not be vulnerable and put up balls, and I

754
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 4: have made a conscious effort at the beginning of this

755
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:23,200
Speaker 4: relationship to not do that, let everything go, and was

756
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:25,480
Speaker 4: like totally myself around him, And that's why it hurts

757
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:25,919
Speaker 4: so bad.

758
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, I can tell you're hurting obviously, and

759
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:33,000
Speaker 1: I just want you to remember this is a month

760
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,759
Speaker 1: of your life and it seems like the biggest month

761
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,279
Speaker 1: of your life right now. Once you get a little

762
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:40,040
Speaker 1: bit of distance from this, it's not going to be

763
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:42,400
Speaker 1: so big in your mind. It just won't be. And

764
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:43,919
Speaker 1: I know if you want to hold onto the idea

765
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 1: that he's coming back, that's fine too. That sometimes helps people.

766
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,440
Speaker 1: I've done that in the past, and to get over somebody,

767
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:51,839
Speaker 1: you know, like they'll be back, they'll be back, and

768
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: by the way, they always are. I mean for women,

769
00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:55,920
Speaker 1: you know, I can't speak for gay man because it's

770
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:58,600
Speaker 1: a little bit different. But you know, I just really

771
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:01,200
Speaker 1: want you to look inward and focus on yourself and

772
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 1: you're healing and positive vibrations for you, you know, instead

773
00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:09,320
Speaker 1: of obsessing about what he's doing, which is sometimes you know, unavoidable.

774
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:11,400
Speaker 1: I know how the brain works, and you're going to

775
00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:13,919
Speaker 1: be obsessing over him because you care so much about

776
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:16,880
Speaker 1: him and you are so hurt. I just think, you know,

777
00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,640
Speaker 1: hold your head high. You sent him that letter and

778
00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:22,680
Speaker 1: act with integrity, and now you can step away from him.

779
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 1: And if and when he comes back, then it's going

780
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:26,919
Speaker 1: to be a different story. If it's like a few

781
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,280
Speaker 1: days and he's like, I fucked up, then that obviously,

782
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:31,600
Speaker 1: then okay, you're on the same page. But if it's

783
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: a couple months and he comes back and says like, Okay,

784
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:35,399
Speaker 1: now I want to come back, and be like, well,

785
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,879
Speaker 1: not so fast. We have to have some ground rules now.

786
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,879
Speaker 1: But I want you to think about how you can

787
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 1: be stronger and better and more grounded in every relationship

788
00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:48,680
Speaker 1: moving forward, and focus on that skill set while you're

789
00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:51,120
Speaker 1: going through this time. I think when you try to

790
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:53,880
Speaker 1: like look at yourself and you try to better yourself

791
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,400
Speaker 1: and maybe read a book about breaking up.

792
00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 6: Do you read books a little bit? Yeah?

793
00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:01,640
Speaker 1: Okay. I just wanted you to keep yourself busy and

794
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:04,080
Speaker 1: just try and get through the initial blunt force of

795
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:07,000
Speaker 1: the trauma of breaking up with somebody after a month,

796
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 1: you know, and I think once you get past like

797
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,400
Speaker 1: two weeks, you're gonna feel a lot differently than you

798
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,480
Speaker 1: do feel now. You might still have the same feelings,

799
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 1: but they won't it won't be such a dagger in

800
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:18,480
Speaker 1: your chest.

801
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 4: Yeah. One thing that I keep I'm thinking about now.

802
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:25,480
Speaker 4: I keep trying to theorize, like, what was going in

803
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,360
Speaker 4: his mind this entire month and at the moment of breakup.

804
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 4: Is it just simply he got cold feet? Or was

805
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:35,399
Speaker 4: it that the entire month he was being superficial and fake.

806
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:39,400
Speaker 4: I keep going back to that, but I hear what

807
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:43,680
Speaker 4: you're saying about I need to stop belaboring that point

808
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:45,960
Speaker 4: and just move forward with my life.

809
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:47,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can try. And you know, I think

810
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:50,880
Speaker 1: a good exercise is sending him love in your own mind.

811
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:54,280
Speaker 1: I want to send him peace, happiness, and love anytime

812
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:56,479
Speaker 1: he comes into your mind, to just give out love.

813
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,200
Speaker 1: You may not get these answers. And to be quite

814
00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 1: frank with you, it doesn't matter what his mo is,

815
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,480
Speaker 1: what he was doing. It matters what you're doing. It

816
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,480
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if he was manipulating you or if he

817
00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:09,319
Speaker 1: really felt it and he got cold feet. I know

818
00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:12,279
Speaker 1: it matters to you psychologically, right, now, but ultimately, in

819
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,520
Speaker 1: the bigger scheme of things, his behavior doesn't matter, yours does.

820
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:19,680
Speaker 4: That's how I ended the letter I sent him, saying like,

821
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 4: I want you to be happy, and I'm glad to

822
00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:24,000
Speaker 4: have been on that journey with you, even if.

823
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:25,480
Speaker 6: It was just for the short moment.

824
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:26,160
Speaker 1: That's good.

825
00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:28,280
Speaker 4: I tried to like push that forward.

826
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:32,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, great, keep writing that train. That's exactly what you

827
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:33,319
Speaker 1: need to do to heal.

828
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:37,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, there's also in your letter. You guys

829
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,640
Speaker 2: got close enough that he opened up to you about

830
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:42,600
Speaker 2: other relationships that have ended really abruptly, and I'm glad

831
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 2: you included that in your letter. So that may just

832
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:49,960
Speaker 2: be kind of how he operates. And it's kind of

833
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:51,799
Speaker 2: a good thing that you guys weren't together for six

834
00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:55,400
Speaker 2: months or a year or engaged before he suddenly was

835
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:56,359
Speaker 2: out of your life.

836
00:38:57,440 --> 00:38:59,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree with that. Be grateful that it was

837
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,360
Speaker 1: a month this happened and not six months, because that

838
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,200
Speaker 1: would have been really, really, even more painful than what

839
00:39:05,239 --> 00:39:08,319
Speaker 1: you're going through right now. I know that's unimaginable to you,

840
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,719
Speaker 1: but I promise you it would have been worse if

841
00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:13,080
Speaker 1: it had. You know, sometimes in our lives and I

842
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,360
Speaker 1: know I've felt this way sometimes when we can't recognize

843
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,919
Speaker 1: the situation we're in, there's a bigger higher power that's

844
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 1: pulling us out of it. And I think it's helpful

845
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: to sometimes look at things like that. Not everything is

846
00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:29,200
Speaker 1: in your control, and sometimes you're someone's doing you a

847
00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:31,120
Speaker 1: favor and you don't even know it's a favor until

848
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:32,279
Speaker 1: much later, right.

849
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:35,440
Speaker 4: I think another point similar to that is in the

850
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:38,000
Speaker 4: beginning of my letter to you, I had mentioned I

851
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,560
Speaker 4: had been content with the idea of being single for

852
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:43,759
Speaker 4: a very long time, and then this happened. So this

853
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,800
Speaker 4: kind of changes my perspective of relationships, knowing that I

854
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:52,120
Speaker 4: do have the ability to love another person business it

855
00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:54,840
Speaker 4: may not be this person, but it can happen in

856
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:55,320
Speaker 4: the future.

857
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:58,719
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, absolutely, You're not a victim. This is a

858
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:02,000
Speaker 1: good empowering situation, and I beg you to use it,

859
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,239
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Use it to make you stronger,

860
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:07,560
Speaker 1: to make you more aware and to be the person

861
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 1: that is going to attract the person that you're looking for.

862
00:40:10,920 --> 00:40:12,680
Speaker 1: And in order to be that person, you know what

863
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:14,359
Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes we have to do a little bit

864
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,520
Speaker 1: of extra work, and there are lessons along the way.

865
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,920
Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden, you're at this like

866
00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:22,920
Speaker 1: higher level of vibration and you're attracting somebody who's really

867
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:25,440
Speaker 1: on the level and can see you exactly for what

868
00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:28,600
Speaker 1: you are, and then you join forces and it's explosive.

869
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:32,439
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't neglect the slow burn. I mean I when

870
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:35,480
Speaker 2: I first started dating my husband, I had gotten out

871
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,480
Speaker 2: of a relationship that was very like tons of love bombing.

872
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,400
Speaker 2: It wound up becoming very abusive. It was eleven months

873
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:44,400
Speaker 2: of bad stuff and I, you know, a single for

874
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:48,279
Speaker 2: a little while. I met Brad, and compared to what

875
00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:51,200
Speaker 2: I had come from, this was just sort of like

876
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:55,320
Speaker 2: a very nice guy who pursued me and wanted to

877
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:58,080
Speaker 2: trick me right. And there's something about it if you've

878
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:00,520
Speaker 2: gone through a relationship where there is a lot of

879
00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:04,880
Speaker 2: love bombing, that a more healthy, stable relationship can seem

880
00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 2: almost boring or a lot less exciting because you don't

881
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:11,319
Speaker 2: have these extreme high highs and extreme low lows. But

882
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:15,000
Speaker 2: that stability is also what a healthy relationship is built on.

883
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:18,640
Speaker 2: So don't neglect the guys that might seem a little

884
00:41:18,719 --> 00:41:22,160
Speaker 2: less exciting at the very beginning. Please take that the

885
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:26,319
Speaker 2: right way, Brad, But you know it can be good

886
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:27,680
Speaker 2: for longer term.

887
00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:31,200
Speaker 1: You have to get to know somebody. When there's electricity,

888
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,120
Speaker 1: that's great, but that's not all it takes to be

889
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 1: in a relationship. That's just chemistry, you know, And that's

890
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:40,200
Speaker 1: when you spark with someone. And sometimes you know, you

891
00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:42,600
Speaker 1: can get carried away, and it sounds like you got

892
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,239
Speaker 1: carried away. You don't really know him. You don't know

893
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:47,279
Speaker 1: his character, you don't know his background. You just know

894
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,919
Speaker 1: what he's told you. You know you haven't spent enough

895
00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:52,080
Speaker 1: time with him, with his family, with his friends, all

896
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:55,200
Speaker 1: of those things matter, and vice versa. He has to

897
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:58,360
Speaker 1: spend time with you. It's fun and it's great, but

898
00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 1: it's not healthy. How old are you, Brian, I'm thirty.

899
00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:06,239
Speaker 1: Oh okay, Well listen, you're gonna have plenty of people.

900
00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:07,600
Speaker 1: You're gonna have plenty of time to get your heart

901
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,560
Speaker 1: broken again and break other people's hearts. So, you know,

902
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:13,160
Speaker 1: when you get stuck and miired in it, just try

903
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:15,879
Speaker 1: and pull yourself out and get that perspective of your

904
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:19,080
Speaker 1: entire life, not just this moment, and look at your

905
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:22,520
Speaker 1: whole life and your past and your future. And then

906
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:24,520
Speaker 1: you're gonna understand that a month is nothing.

907
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:29,239
Speaker 4: M I really appreciate place outsider perspective. Since I've been

908
00:42:29,239 --> 00:42:32,399
Speaker 4: getting the comments from my friends, it's all they're trying

909
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,879
Speaker 4: to support me and saying, oh, he's gonna come back.

910
00:42:35,239 --> 00:42:37,919
Speaker 4: It's kind of like myopics I've been thinking versus year,

911
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:41,680
Speaker 4: giving me a more holistic picture, which I really appreciate.

912
00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:43,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's important.

913
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:45,440
Speaker 2: Well, will you check back in with us in a

914
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:48,799
Speaker 2: few weeks, Brian, I will, all right, let us know

915
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:49,399
Speaker 2: how it's going.

916
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,719
Speaker 4: Okay, I will thank you so much.

917
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 2: Thank thanks, Brian, talking to you.

918
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:55,760
Speaker 4: Bye bye bye.

919
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:57,960
Speaker 2: Oh what a sweetie.

920
00:42:58,080 --> 00:42:59,239
Speaker 1: Oh heartbreak.

921
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 2: I know, you know.

922
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:04,600
Speaker 1: I remember meeting this fucking guy on MySpace remember my Space?

923
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:09,280
Speaker 1: And I went out with him. Oh god, I forget

924
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:12,880
Speaker 1: how many times, but enough, you know, for a couple months,

925
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,839
Speaker 1: maybe a month and a half, but intense. We were

926
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:17,680
Speaker 1: into each other. Not to the degree that this guy's

927
00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 1: talking about, because I would never FaceTime that long. But

928
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,480
Speaker 1: I don't even know about FaceTime at that point. I

929
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:24,240
Speaker 1: don't know if we had it because MySpace.

930
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:26,399
Speaker 2: I don't even think we had iPhones like then.

931
00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:29,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we had the Internet. And he blew

932
00:43:29,520 --> 00:43:31,000
Speaker 1: me off. He goes to me. I was like in

933
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:37,000
Speaker 1: my twenties, and I was obsessed with finding out what happened.

934
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:38,719
Speaker 2: Ghosting is the worst.

935
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:43,279
Speaker 1: Yeah, obsessed with finding out what happened? What is it

936
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:45,240
Speaker 1: because of something I did? Is it because of something

937
00:43:45,239 --> 00:43:47,760
Speaker 1: I said? Did I do that? Did I get too drunk?

938
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:53,280
Speaker 1: Did I whatever? Just obsessed there had to be a reason.

939
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:56,000
Speaker 1: And it's like, sometimes there just isn't a fucking reason.

940
00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:59,080
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, It doesn't matter at all. It just

941
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:02,319
Speaker 1: matters how you kind of react to those situations, and

942
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:05,240
Speaker 1: when you let them envelop you and take over your mind,

943
00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:07,960
Speaker 1: it just has such a negative impact on everything else

944
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:09,600
Speaker 1: that's going on in your life at that moment.

945
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:13,560
Speaker 2: Yep, it definitely does. I think he's gonna be just fine,

946
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:16,000
Speaker 2: And I'm glad that he sort of learned how to

947
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:19,520
Speaker 2: be vulnerable in this situation and he could rain that

948
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 2: into a healthy degree in his next interaction. I think

949
00:44:22,719 --> 00:44:25,600
Speaker 2: that's perfect. That's exactly what he's But he met the

950
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:28,279
Speaker 2: person who wanted to take advantage maybe of that vulnerability,

951
00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:30,359
Speaker 2: Like right at the moment he decided to like give

952
00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:32,439
Speaker 2: it all away, and you got to give it out

953
00:44:32,480 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 2: in increments, you know, people have to earn it.

954
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:37,200
Speaker 1: I like the phrase welcome the pain, you know.

955
00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:38,400
Speaker 2: I like that.

956
00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:41,279
Speaker 1: I read that in some book and it ran deep

957
00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:44,360
Speaker 1: with me because I just it's a great way to

958
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 1: look at a hard situation, because I feel like, you know,

959
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:50,359
Speaker 1: we all go through difficult breakups and we all get

960
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:54,399
Speaker 1: our hearts broken and we all heal. Yeah, so you're

961
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:57,200
Speaker 1: not some you know people think it's it's never gonna

962
00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,400
Speaker 1: be okay again. It's gonna be okay again. You're everyone

963
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:02,480
Speaker 1: just survives this. There's not a lot of people who

964
00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:04,360
Speaker 1: haven't been in love or haven't had their heart broken.

965
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:07,399
Speaker 1: It happens a lot, and I think welcoming the pain

966
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:10,680
Speaker 1: is a great idea to think about. Welcome it. The

967
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:13,279
Speaker 1: sooner you go through it, the sooner it is out

968
00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:15,799
Speaker 1: of you, and the sooner the next adventure is right

969
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:18,480
Speaker 1: around the corner. Yeah, so welcome it, bring it in,

970
00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:20,520
Speaker 1: let it run through you, and then you're going to

971
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:21,799
Speaker 1: be moving on. Yeah.

972
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:24,080
Speaker 2: And you you said something like this when we were

973
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:26,359
Speaker 2: talking to him as well. But one of my girlfriends says,

974
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:30,200
Speaker 2: rejection is protection, and that's exactly what the situation feels

975
00:45:30,239 --> 00:45:30,600
Speaker 2: like to me.

976
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:32,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I agree with that.

977
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:34,960
Speaker 2: Well, should we take another caller.

978
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:39,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, hey, yeah, yeah, I like our one on one episodes.

979
00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:40,640
Speaker 2: No, they're kind of fun.

980
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:42,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, we can really get down.

981
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:50,319
Speaker 2: To business, Yes, exactly, get gran yellow with people. This

982
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:54,320
Speaker 2: call is from Maggie. She says, Dear Chelsea, in the

983
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:56,960
Speaker 2: spring of twenty sixteen, I had to end a toxic

984
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,759
Speaker 2: friendship with someone I had considered a best friend and

985
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 2: so of six years let's call her Amanda. Amanda had

986
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,400
Speaker 2: been exhibiting problematic, manipulative, and abusive behavior towards me and

987
00:46:07,520 --> 00:46:09,880
Speaker 2: others that I had been clocking for a while and

988
00:46:09,920 --> 00:46:13,480
Speaker 2: could no longer handle or tolerate in my life. Ultimately,

989
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:16,719
Speaker 2: I've not regretted this decision, except for genuinely missing her

990
00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:18,480
Speaker 2: and the best of times we had in the past.

991
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:21,080
Speaker 2: But I've completely moved on and I'm so happy in

992
00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:24,439
Speaker 2: the friendships I have kept and cultivated before and since then,

993
00:46:25,239 --> 00:46:28,520
Speaker 2: things have been relatively easy to navigate, minus one mild

994
00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:30,960
Speaker 2: run in at an event, especially since I have the

995
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:33,800
Speaker 2: positive mindset about my decision and hold no hard feelings

996
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:37,400
Speaker 2: towards Amanda. I genuinely wish are the best. Until now,

997
00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:40,399
Speaker 2: our mutual best friend is getting married and we will

998
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:43,880
Speaker 2: be attending the same bridal party events together. Now, I

999
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:45,840
Speaker 2: don't know how it can be more clear to everyone

1000
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:48,759
Speaker 2: that it's all good. We chill, at least on my end,

1001
00:46:49,080 --> 00:46:51,080
Speaker 2: but the bride to bee has asked me if things

1002
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:54,200
Speaker 2: will be awkward and uncomfortable. Of course not, is my answer,

1003
00:46:54,239 --> 00:46:57,320
Speaker 2: but I can see it's weighing on her. I can't

1004
00:46:57,360 --> 00:46:59,719
Speaker 2: help but think that Amanda has mentioned something or given

1005
00:46:59,719 --> 00:47:02,560
Speaker 2: them impression to the bride that things could be uncomfortable.

1006
00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:05,840
Speaker 2: The bride has always been very conscious of not mentioning

1007
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:07,520
Speaker 2: us to the other, which I have told her a

1008
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 2: few times is not necessary because I'm frickin' good. To

1009
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:13,560
Speaker 2: ease the bride's nerves, I have offered to reach out

1010
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:16,239
Speaker 2: to Amanda and say hello and gently let her know

1011
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,640
Speaker 2: everything is good on my end, and I look forward

1012
00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:20,640
Speaker 2: to enjoying the events leading up to the wedding together

1013
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:24,840
Speaker 2: in an amicable fashion. However, I'm finding the words to

1014
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:28,040
Speaker 2: be really difficult to get down in a draft. Amanda

1015
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:31,759
Speaker 2: is an incredibly sensitive and intelligent person whose ability to

1016
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:35,360
Speaker 2: pick apart a well meaning message and its unsaid quote

1017
00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:40,480
Speaker 2: potential demeaning nature is astounding. Her superpower is to take

1018
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,440
Speaker 2: offense to anyone who even breathes wrong around her, and

1019
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 2: that's what worries me. If I don't choose my words

1020
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:49,400
Speaker 2: ever so carefully. Instead of diffusing and creating a positive

1021
00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 2: environment for the bride, things will be awkward and tense

1022
00:47:52,239 --> 00:47:55,160
Speaker 2: because she's incapable of letting go and letting these special

1023
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:58,719
Speaker 2: days be about someone else. Please help Maggie.

1024
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:03,680
Speaker 1: Hi, Maggie, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, good, this is Catherine. Who

1025
00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:05,480
Speaker 1: you know? How are you? Yeah?

1026
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 2: I got there? Good?

1027
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:06,960
Speaker 1: Thank you?

1028
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:07,800
Speaker 5: How about yourself?

1029
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:11,279
Speaker 1: We're good, We're good. Okay, so this is a good situation. Well,

1030
00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:13,720
Speaker 1: let's write this letter together. First of all, my question

1031
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:17,360
Speaker 1: is what is her relationship with the bride these days?

1032
00:48:17,719 --> 00:48:19,799
Speaker 1: Is the bride aware of her toxicity?

1033
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:23,120
Speaker 5: I don't think that she's aware. They're still fairly close friends.

1034
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:26,160
Speaker 5: The bride and I, I think spend more time together

1035
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,600
Speaker 5: and we're a little bit closer. But the bride she's

1036
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,520
Speaker 5: just the sweetest person, and so I think she is

1037
00:48:32,680 --> 00:48:36,560
Speaker 5: tolerant of a little bit more kind of toxic behavior.

1038
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:37,320
Speaker 1: That this girl has shown.

1039
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:39,200
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I was kind of snapped out of it

1040
00:48:39,239 --> 00:48:41,280
Speaker 5: a few years ago, but they're still close.

1041
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:44,560
Speaker 1: Okay, So when did your relationship end with this woman?

1042
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:45,800
Speaker 5: Twenty sixteen.

1043
00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:47,600
Speaker 1: Oh, so it's been a while.

1044
00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 5: It's been a really long time. So I'm very good

1045
00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:53,920
Speaker 5: where I'm at. There's been one or two times where

1046
00:48:54,120 --> 00:48:57,120
Speaker 5: the ex friend has either tried to reach out to

1047
00:48:57,160 --> 00:49:01,200
Speaker 5: me through the bride or another mutual friend, maybe trying

1048
00:49:01,239 --> 00:49:03,120
Speaker 5: to rekindle things. But I've kind of said, you know,

1049
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:05,440
Speaker 5: enough time has passed and I like, I'm a.

1050
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:08,759
Speaker 1: Good Okay, you sound good. Listen everything you wrote in

1051
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:11,799
Speaker 1: that letter, you sound totally healthy and with it. So

1052
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:13,799
Speaker 1: let's just phrase how you're going to put this right.

1053
00:49:13,880 --> 00:49:15,640
Speaker 1: I think you just make it all about your friend

1054
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:19,000
Speaker 1: that's getting married. Yeah, this is about her. I want

1055
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:20,919
Speaker 1: the focus to be on her. I have no ill

1056
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:23,719
Speaker 1: will towards you, and I'm looking forward to spending this

1057
00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:25,080
Speaker 1: time with you. I think we're all going to have

1058
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:27,960
Speaker 1: a great time. Yeah right. I think short and sweet

1059
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:29,560
Speaker 1: is the best way so that she can't go in

1060
00:49:29,600 --> 00:49:30,640
Speaker 1: and parse your language.

1061
00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:33,839
Speaker 5: Yes, short and sweet, keep it positive, keep it about

1062
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:34,440
Speaker 5: the bride.

1063
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:37,240
Speaker 1: Okay, great, So what are you thinking about writing?

1064
00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:37,919
Speaker 2: Hey?

1065
00:49:38,080 --> 00:49:42,279
Speaker 5: I hope you're doing well. I'm so happy for our friends. Yes,

1066
00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:45,680
Speaker 5: we know that moving forward we will be seeing some

1067
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:48,839
Speaker 5: of each other and just want to reach out and

1068
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:51,920
Speaker 5: say looking forward to having a really great time and

1069
00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:54,719
Speaker 5: making it just about the bride, you know, and we

1070
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:56,640
Speaker 5: can enjoy ourselves too.

1071
00:49:57,360 --> 00:49:59,759
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I think everything you said is perfect. But

1072
00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:02,000
Speaker 1: don't I don't say making it just about the bride

1073
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,520
Speaker 1: because that implies that there's tension. So I think you

1074
00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:07,200
Speaker 1: should say I can't wait to celebrate her with you,

1075
00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:09,480
Speaker 1: and I think we're all gonna and I'm looking forward

1076
00:50:09,520 --> 00:50:12,120
Speaker 1: to having a great weekend and I just wanted to touch

1077
00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:13,880
Speaker 1: base so that you know that I'm coming with a

1078
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:16,440
Speaker 1: heart full of love something like that, you know, And

1079
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:19,080
Speaker 1: I like that. Yeah.

1080
00:50:19,120 --> 00:50:21,840
Speaker 2: I think Chelsea is right too, you know, especially because

1081
00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:24,200
Speaker 2: this friend has reached out and made an attempt at

1082
00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:27,279
Speaker 2: rekindling a relationship. You don't have to do that, but

1083
00:50:27,320 --> 00:50:29,920
Speaker 2: I think Chelsea's right to be like, you know what,

1084
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:32,600
Speaker 2: let's go and have a great time. It doesn't mean

1085
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:35,319
Speaker 2: you have to become best friends with her again, being like, hey,

1086
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:37,839
Speaker 2: we're going to have a good time together at this event.

1087
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:39,719
Speaker 2: You know you're going to be at together. I think

1088
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:40,920
Speaker 2: it's safe.

1089
00:50:40,719 --> 00:50:44,319
Speaker 5: Right, So not delving too much into the past or

1090
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:47,960
Speaker 5: focusing no, no, I know things have been Just keep

1091
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,800
Speaker 5: it for twenty sixteen.

1092
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:52,640
Speaker 1: You're talking about like seven years, you know what I mean,

1093
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:55,640
Speaker 1: don't even bring it up. Just move forward because who knows. Listen,

1094
00:50:55,719 --> 00:50:57,839
Speaker 1: she might be different too. You don't know if she's

1095
00:50:57,840 --> 00:51:00,239
Speaker 1: been to therapy and it has some self awareness now,

1096
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:02,520
Speaker 1: or if she's changed. So don't assume that she's the

1097
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,719
Speaker 1: same person she was. Absolutely, even if it comes up

1098
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,839
Speaker 1: at the wedding, which it shouldn't, you should be like, no, no, no, no,

1099
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:11,440
Speaker 1: this is about This is about the woman that's getting married.

1100
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:14,479
Speaker 1: This is your tribute to her. You're writing this letter

1101
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:17,200
Speaker 1: because of her. You're going to have a great time

1102
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:20,239
Speaker 1: and not focus on the past because of her. Just

1103
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:22,480
Speaker 1: be in the moment that you're in, you know, and

1104
00:51:22,600 --> 00:51:25,800
Speaker 1: just spread positivity in that letter. Make it short and sweet,

1105
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:27,360
Speaker 1: no longer than five sentences.

1106
00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:29,960
Speaker 2: Do you still have her phone number? Or do you

1107
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:32,120
Speaker 2: follow her on social media? I would have to.

1108
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:35,040
Speaker 5: Reach out on social media. I think back, however, many

1109
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:38,120
Speaker 5: years ago it was I probably did block her number,

1110
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:40,879
Speaker 5: probably on you know, whatever social media we were using

1111
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 5: at the time. But I think I would still be

1112
00:51:42,719 --> 00:51:44,880
Speaker 5: able to reach out as like a DM or something.

1113
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:47,320
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, I mean, I honestly would say like a

1114
00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:50,240
Speaker 2: DM or a text feels less formal than an email

1115
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:52,920
Speaker 2: or something like that. So maybe because you're keeping it

1116
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:55,520
Speaker 2: short and sweet, that might feel like a less pressure

1117
00:51:55,600 --> 00:51:58,239
Speaker 2: just to be like, hey girl, looking forward to celebrating

1118
00:51:58,280 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 2: our friend with you, excited to part whatever. But I

1119
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:03,200
Speaker 2: love Chelsea what you said about like coming with a

1120
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:05,080
Speaker 2: heartful of love. It's going to be exciting.

1121
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:07,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're going to be just fine. You're in a

1122
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:10,200
Speaker 1: good place. You're a good person. And this woman, I

1123
00:52:10,239 --> 00:52:12,200
Speaker 1: bet has changed a little bit. I don't think she's

1124
00:52:12,200 --> 00:52:14,399
Speaker 1: gonna want the drama, you know. I mean a lot,

1125
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:16,000
Speaker 1: a lot of time has passed.

1126
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, and if she does, you know what, you

1127
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:21,839
Speaker 2: have to know that you did the right thing and

1128
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:24,800
Speaker 2: you can't control her behavior. So if she does snipe

1129
00:52:24,960 --> 00:52:28,360
Speaker 2: about it to someone else, okay, then she's going to

1130
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:28,680
Speaker 2: do that.

1131
00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:31,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, just take a higher path and then that way,

1132
00:52:31,440 --> 00:52:33,640
Speaker 1: there's like you haven't done any you haven't been bad

1133
00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:36,800
Speaker 1: mouthing her. You're not going to that's not your game.

1134
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 1: And you're just there to celebrate your girlfriend and her

1135
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:41,319
Speaker 1: special day.

1136
00:52:41,840 --> 00:52:44,560
Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, okay, great, Well, thank you so much.

1137
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:47,399
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you. It's nice to talk to you. Good luck,

1138
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:48,000
Speaker 1: You too.

1139
00:52:48,360 --> 00:52:49,120
Speaker 4: Thank you so much.

1140
00:52:49,239 --> 00:52:50,239
Speaker 1: Let us know how it goes.

1141
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:51,799
Speaker 5: Oh well, thank you both.

1142
00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:58,520
Speaker 2: Hi, Maggie, bye well. Our last caller is Farren. Farren

1143
00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:01,759
Speaker 2: says Dear Chelsea. Years the hot Goss. I met a

1144
00:53:01,800 --> 00:53:04,480
Speaker 2: guy on Hinge back in September. We had a lot

1145
00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:07,280
Speaker 2: in common and it was lovely, but I wasn't feeling

1146
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:09,520
Speaker 2: it at the time. I told him I was not

1147
00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:12,680
Speaker 2: interested in him romantically, and we decided to remain friends.

1148
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:15,239
Speaker 2: We attempted to make plans a couple times, but never

1149
00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:18,480
Speaker 2: ended up hanging out. A while later, I realized I

1150
00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:21,759
Speaker 2: had been closing myself off to potential romantic situations as

1151
00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:25,799
Speaker 2: a defense mechanism. Subconsciously, I was rejecting myself first and

1152
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:28,479
Speaker 2: taking myself out of the situation before any man could

1153
00:53:28,480 --> 00:53:32,879
Speaker 2: reject me. Thanks childhood conditioning. Anyway, I see things through

1154
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:34,520
Speaker 2: a different, more open hearted lens.

1155
00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:34,799
Speaker 1: Now.

1156
00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:38,319
Speaker 2: In December he reached back out. This is like two

1157
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:41,319
Speaker 2: months after they had originally gone out. With this new

1158
00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:43,760
Speaker 2: and open mind, I decided to meet him for coffee

1159
00:53:43,760 --> 00:53:46,279
Speaker 2: a few weeks ago. I had such a fun time

1160
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:49,440
Speaker 2: with him. He's easy to talk to. Where both spiritual

1161
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:53,200
Speaker 2: sit with plant medicine really into evolving, and it's really

1162
00:53:53,239 --> 00:53:55,600
Speaker 2: meaningful to have someone to relate to those things about.

1163
00:53:56,040 --> 00:53:57,920
Speaker 2: We ended up talking on the phone for over an

1164
00:53:57,920 --> 00:54:01,239
Speaker 2: hour after the coffee hang. The problem is, now I'm

1165
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:03,799
Speaker 2: sure he sees me as just friendship vibes because I

1166
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:07,240
Speaker 2: previously told him I wasn't interested. Now I'm feeling interested

1167
00:54:07,320 --> 00:54:09,920
Speaker 2: and having the option of this getting romantic down the line,

1168
00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:13,000
Speaker 2: and definitely want to make out with him. However, even

1169
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:15,680
Speaker 2: though I do find him attractive, I'm not entirely certain

1170
00:54:15,719 --> 00:54:18,080
Speaker 2: if I'm fully physically attracted to him or not. If

1171
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:21,360
Speaker 2: that makes sense, The question is do I say something

1172
00:54:21,400 --> 00:54:23,799
Speaker 2: to him about how I'm feeling even though I don't

1173
00:54:23,840 --> 00:54:25,480
Speaker 2: know if I'm one hundred percent into it or not,

1174
00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:28,000
Speaker 2: or just go about being friends and leave it alone.

1175
00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:31,319
Speaker 2: Who knows what may happen organically. I love you all.

1176
00:54:31,400 --> 00:54:34,080
Speaker 2: This podcast is the fucking best, Chelsea. Your new Netflix

1177
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:38,280
Speaker 2: special is Bonker's hilarious. Farren Hi, Farren, Hi.

1178
00:54:38,200 --> 00:54:44,760
Speaker 1: Farren Hi, thanks for having me. How are you? I'm good?

1179
00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:45,840
Speaker 4: How are you guys?

1180
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:49,600
Speaker 1: We're good? Girl. I think you should go for it

1181
00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:51,879
Speaker 1: and just ask him like this is a little life

1182
00:54:51,880 --> 00:54:54,200
Speaker 1: situation that could turn into something great or it could

1183
00:54:54,239 --> 00:54:56,080
Speaker 1: just be a blip. You're not trying to pursue a

1184
00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:57,880
Speaker 1: friendship right with him.

1185
00:54:58,360 --> 00:55:03,400
Speaker 7: I would so previous. I would pursue men or text

1186
00:55:03,480 --> 00:55:05,239
Speaker 7: or try to make plans, but it was coming from

1187
00:55:05,239 --> 00:55:09,480
Speaker 7: a very like scarcity mindset anxiety place. And now I

1188
00:55:09,520 --> 00:55:13,160
Speaker 7: am really looking to be pursued. And I would continue

1189
00:55:13,160 --> 00:55:15,120
Speaker 7: to be friends with him because it's nice to be

1190
00:55:15,160 --> 00:55:18,800
Speaker 7: able to have these kind of deep conversations with someone

1191
00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:21,080
Speaker 7: and be able to integrate with somebody who's on a

1192
00:55:21,120 --> 00:55:24,799
Speaker 7: spiritual path as well. I would risk it too, but

1193
00:55:24,840 --> 00:55:27,600
Speaker 7: I don't want to be in a position where I'm

1194
00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:31,120
Speaker 7: doing that again, kind of pursuing, because that's not the

1195
00:55:31,239 --> 00:55:31,879
Speaker 7: look I want.

1196
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:34,160
Speaker 1: I don't think you are though, I don't think you are.

1197
00:55:34,320 --> 00:55:37,040
Speaker 1: You're judging yourself on your past behavior, not on your

1198
00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:40,920
Speaker 1: present behavior. You don't have to be desperate about it.

1199
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:43,560
Speaker 1: You have to just be upfront, like, hey, I actually

1200
00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:45,920
Speaker 1: kind of had like a little spark, or when you

1201
00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:48,080
Speaker 1: go out again and you know, have a drink and

1202
00:55:48,120 --> 00:55:51,160
Speaker 1: then see if that changes things, and you can say

1203
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:53,759
Speaker 1: it in person, just like hey, I'm feeling something. I

1204
00:55:53,800 --> 00:55:55,799
Speaker 1: don't know if this is anything, but what about what

1205
00:55:55,800 --> 00:55:59,040
Speaker 1: do you think that's not desperate. That's just being direct.

1206
00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:02,000
Speaker 1: So make sure you know the distinction between the two.

1207
00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:07,319
Speaker 1: Because your old behavior isn't relevant to this situation. We

1208
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:09,879
Speaker 1: get caught up in our past behavior instead of saying

1209
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:12,239
Speaker 1: I'm not like that anymore. Yeah.

1210
00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:16,839
Speaker 2: I also think there are extraordinarily few straight guys who,

1211
00:56:16,920 --> 00:56:20,720
Speaker 2: especially after they've expressed interest in a girl, are willing

1212
00:56:20,760 --> 00:56:23,120
Speaker 2: to hang out just as friends if they're not eventually

1213
00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:26,120
Speaker 2: trying to sleep with her. Like, I am sure he's

1214
00:56:26,160 --> 00:56:27,000
Speaker 2: still interested.

1215
00:56:27,480 --> 00:56:28,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, I am too.

1216
00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:30,800
Speaker 2: I would be shocked if he's not. And if he wasn't,

1217
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:33,080
Speaker 2: he wouldn't be going to coffee, you know, he just wouldn't.

1218
00:56:33,120 --> 00:56:36,040
Speaker 2: He'd be like cool, Like just friends usually means like

1219
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:38,560
Speaker 2: I'll never see you again, especially with online dating. So

1220
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:40,960
Speaker 2: I don't think you have to worry about like, oh no,

1221
00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:44,000
Speaker 2: he sees me as just a friend. No, flirt hard,

1222
00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:46,480
Speaker 2: tell him you're into him. See what happens?

1223
00:56:47,040 --> 00:56:48,120
Speaker 7: How do you flirt hard?

1224
00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:53,120
Speaker 2: Touching on the hand, touching on the arm, basically what

1225
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:54,480
Speaker 2: I do with Chelsea where in person?

1226
00:56:54,560 --> 00:57:00,279
Speaker 1: I just I mean, yeah, just go. That was such

1227
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:03,400
Speaker 1: a fun conversation. I really dug it, you know, or

1228
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:05,399
Speaker 1: whatever your language is, you know, what I mean, how

1229
00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:07,600
Speaker 1: just go? That was really fun. I was kind of

1230
00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:10,560
Speaker 1: surprised by how I felt when I left there. I

1231
00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:13,120
Speaker 1: don't know, are you interested even if he says no,

1232
00:57:13,280 --> 00:57:17,720
Speaker 1: which she's not going to. If he says no, who cares? Great? Okay,

1233
00:57:17,800 --> 00:57:19,600
Speaker 1: check that and then you can be friends with him

1234
00:57:19,640 --> 00:57:22,320
Speaker 1: if that's fine with you. But it's not a big deal.

1235
00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:27,520
Speaker 1: It's a good exercise as a woman to demonstrate directness

1236
00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:30,600
Speaker 1: and in a gentle, you know, kind of sexy way.

1237
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:33,800
Speaker 1: You can be flirty about it, and then that's your

1238
00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:36,240
Speaker 1: new thing. Say he says no, then it's like, okay, great,

1239
00:57:36,280 --> 00:57:38,360
Speaker 1: well we can still be friends, you know what I mean?

1240
00:57:38,480 --> 00:57:40,480
Speaker 1: And then you can if you want, and if not,

1241
00:57:41,120 --> 00:57:43,600
Speaker 1: something might happen with you, guys. And the other option

1242
00:57:43,720 --> 00:57:45,400
Speaker 1: is that you know you will like him and that

1243
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:49,080
Speaker 1: you are attracted to him. It's totally normal to gain

1244
00:57:49,120 --> 00:57:51,720
Speaker 1: attraction to somebody talking to them more, you know, and

1245
00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:54,560
Speaker 1: having a real deep, meaningful conversation. Yeah.

1246
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:57,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I know you had mentioned that he's out

1247
00:57:57,080 --> 00:57:59,320
Speaker 2: of town so you hadn't heard from him. But it's

1248
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:01,840
Speaker 2: also like friend, so why would he call? Like make

1249
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:03,760
Speaker 2: the next move be the next one to be like, hey,

1250
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:06,240
Speaker 2: let's go out again. Maybe let's grab a cocktail. That

1251
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,160
Speaker 2: will make it a little easier to flirt as well.

1252
00:58:09,360 --> 00:58:10,320
Speaker 6: We both don't drink.

1253
00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:11,680
Speaker 2: Oh well, then don't grab a car.

1254
00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:13,040
Speaker 1: I knew you were going to say that. I knew

1255
00:58:13,080 --> 00:58:14,919
Speaker 1: it when I said drink the first time. I could

1256
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,160
Speaker 1: sell by your face that you don't drink. But that's okay,

1257
00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:19,800
Speaker 1: you don't need to drink. Go do whatever you do.

1258
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:23,640
Speaker 1: What do you just go to coffee yoga? What are

1259
00:58:23,680 --> 00:58:24,120
Speaker 1: you in two?

1260
00:58:24,880 --> 00:58:26,960
Speaker 7: Yeah? I mean I was trying to think of like

1261
00:58:27,040 --> 00:58:29,439
Speaker 7: a night setting where it could be a little bit

1262
00:58:29,520 --> 00:58:32,560
Speaker 7: more of a vibe, but not a bar.

1263
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:36,439
Speaker 1: Well, go listen to some live music or something. Even

1264
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:38,200
Speaker 1: if you go for a walk with somebody for a

1265
00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:41,080
Speaker 1: long time. I think once you have a substantial conversation

1266
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:45,640
Speaker 1: with somebody, there's that that is the definition of chemistry, right,

1267
00:58:46,000 --> 00:58:48,640
Speaker 1: And whether it's romantic or friendship, you already have the

1268
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:51,000
Speaker 1: chemistry there between each other if you guys sat and

1269
00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:53,680
Speaker 1: talked for that long and then called each other afterward.

1270
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:57,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can also like wait a time or two

1271
00:58:57,760 --> 00:58:59,640
Speaker 2: if you're not quite ready to be like, hey, I'm

1272
00:58:59,640 --> 00:59:02,240
Speaker 2: super into wait a time or two. See if the

1273
00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:05,280
Speaker 2: vibe sticks and take it from there. But I mean,

1274
00:59:05,280 --> 00:59:08,360
Speaker 2: if you're feeling something, pursue it. You know, I agree

1275
00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:09,920
Speaker 2: with Chelsea, like attraction grows.

1276
00:59:10,000 --> 00:59:12,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't put so much weight on this situation. This

1277
00:59:13,040 --> 00:59:15,080
Speaker 1: is one guy in a sea of and this is

1278
00:59:15,080 --> 00:59:16,920
Speaker 1: one moment in your life. This is not the end

1279
00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:19,880
Speaker 1: all be all, so don't think of it as such

1280
00:59:20,040 --> 00:59:23,920
Speaker 1: an important thing. It's not. And if it's supposed to

1281
00:59:23,920 --> 00:59:27,080
Speaker 1: be something and it grows into something, then you're gonna

1282
00:59:27,080 --> 00:59:29,440
Speaker 1: be really happy that you did that. Thank you for

1283
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:33,960
Speaker 1: the clarity. That was awesome. Yeah, okay, great, good luck

1284
00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:35,080
Speaker 1: and let us know what happens.

1285
00:59:35,320 --> 00:59:36,680
Speaker 7: Thanks so much, thank you.

1286
00:59:37,240 --> 00:59:39,320
Speaker 1: Okay, bye, fair and happy dating.

1287
00:59:40,040 --> 00:59:40,480
Speaker 4: Bye.

1288
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:42,160
Speaker 2: She's so cute.

1289
00:59:42,320 --> 00:59:44,240
Speaker 1: I know. I wish everyone just go for it. Everyone

1290
00:59:44,240 --> 00:59:47,080
Speaker 1: needs to just go for things. Take a chance, take

1291
00:59:47,120 --> 00:59:49,960
Speaker 1: a risk. It doesn't matter. So if somebody rejects you,

1292
00:59:49,960 --> 00:59:52,080
Speaker 1: who gives a shit? It's like onto the next.

1293
00:59:52,680 --> 00:59:56,920
Speaker 2: YEP. When I was in my early twenties or my

1294
00:59:57,040 --> 00:59:59,360
Speaker 2: late teens, I guess I went through here and where

1295
00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:01,000
Speaker 2: I just like, I'll like, I'm just gonna ask how

1296
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:02,880
Speaker 2: every guy that I find is cute half of them

1297
01:00:02,880 --> 01:00:04,720
Speaker 2: turned out to be gay, which was like even better

1298
01:00:04,760 --> 01:00:06,840
Speaker 2: because then I made a bunch of friends. But I

1299
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:08,720
Speaker 2: was just like, I'm just gonna ask people out to coffee.

1300
01:00:08,760 --> 01:00:11,760
Speaker 2: And it was just so much fun just to be like, hey,

1301
01:00:11,880 --> 01:00:15,880
Speaker 2: I'm going to take control of this. It was great. Yeah. Great, Well,

1302
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:18,439
Speaker 2: let's take a quick break, Chelsea, and we'll come back

1303
01:00:18,520 --> 01:00:27,840
Speaker 2: to wrap up. Okay, and we're back back, and actually,

1304
01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:29,480
Speaker 2: I do have one other quick question.

1305
01:00:29,880 --> 01:00:31,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's do a quick question.

1306
01:00:31,200 --> 01:00:33,280
Speaker 2: Okay, I will give you a choice because I don't

1307
01:00:33,320 --> 01:00:35,400
Speaker 2: know if this one's a little tiggy. But there is

1308
01:00:35,440 --> 01:00:39,000
Speaker 2: one about skid marks. And there is also another one

1309
01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:43,000
Speaker 2: about should I tell the wife if someone said something

1310
01:00:43,080 --> 01:00:43,520
Speaker 2: lude to.

1311
01:00:43,480 --> 01:00:44,960
Speaker 1: Me skid marks?

1312
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:46,880
Speaker 2: What questions about marks?

1313
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:48,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, but what's the question?

1314
01:00:49,520 --> 01:00:52,320
Speaker 2: So her boyfriend is leaving skid marks everywhere?

1315
01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:55,760
Speaker 1: Oh god, no, do the other one. I can't.

1316
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:57,640
Speaker 2: That's kind of what I figured. I was like, it's

1317
01:00:57,680 --> 01:00:58,360
Speaker 2: pretty gross.

1318
01:00:58,720 --> 01:00:59,800
Speaker 1: Oh gross.

1319
01:01:01,680 --> 01:01:04,800
Speaker 2: She's wondering if it's a deal breaker. I'm like, it's yeah,

1320
01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:10,480
Speaker 2: sort of, yeah, kind of okay, giving them everywhere.

1321
01:01:10,000 --> 01:01:12,720
Speaker 1: Where in the kitchen, like where's the eaving?

1322
01:01:12,800 --> 01:01:13,680
Speaker 2: Can't me just read it?

1323
01:01:14,080 --> 01:01:14,160
Speaker 5: All?

1324
01:01:14,280 --> 01:01:14,480
Speaker 2: Right?

1325
01:01:14,920 --> 01:01:16,520
Speaker 1: But let's do the other one to close it out,

1326
01:01:16,560 --> 01:01:17,600
Speaker 1: because this is so gross.

1327
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:21,560
Speaker 2: Okay, so poppy, says. My boyfriend and I have been

1328
01:01:21,560 --> 01:01:23,880
Speaker 2: in a long distance relationship for the last three years.

1329
01:01:24,080 --> 01:01:24,760
Speaker 1: Thank god.

1330
01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:28,160
Speaker 2: We're both in our early to mid thirties and are

1331
01:01:28,200 --> 01:01:31,600
Speaker 2: planning our future together. He's my best friend, true partner,

1332
01:01:31,680 --> 01:01:34,200
Speaker 2: and biggest supporter. I can talk to him about anything

1333
01:01:34,240 --> 01:01:36,640
Speaker 2: and can be one hundred percent myself around him. But

1334
01:01:36,720 --> 01:01:42,080
Speaker 2: I need help navigating a delicate situation. My boyfriend constantly

1335
01:01:42,200 --> 01:01:46,160
Speaker 2: leaves poop skid marks around the house. I understand if

1336
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:47,760
Speaker 2: this happens after anal play, but.

1337
01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:51,760
Speaker 1: That's not around the house. What does that mean goes

1338
01:01:51,840 --> 01:01:52,440
Speaker 1: into it.

1339
01:01:52,440 --> 01:01:53,680
Speaker 2: It's worse than you think.

1340
01:01:54,320 --> 01:01:55,240
Speaker 1: No, I not.

1341
01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:59,560
Speaker 2: The first time it happened. It was over a year ago.

1342
01:02:00,120 --> 01:02:02,600
Speaker 2: I noticed a smell and saw marks on the sheets

1343
01:02:02,600 --> 01:02:04,840
Speaker 2: out of the corner of my eye. I didn't know

1344
01:02:04,840 --> 01:02:07,520
Speaker 2: what it was at first and asked, what's that. When

1345
01:02:07,520 --> 01:02:09,760
Speaker 2: he saw what it was, he got super embarrassed and

1346
01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:13,720
Speaker 2: apologized profusely. I, of course was understanding. It didn't draw

1347
01:02:13,760 --> 01:02:16,960
Speaker 2: extra attention or make the situation worse. I simply changed

1348
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:19,320
Speaker 2: the sheets while he was in the bathroom cleaning himself up.

1349
01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:22,120
Speaker 2: The same thing happened during his next visit, but this

1350
01:02:22,240 --> 01:02:25,440
Speaker 2: time it got on my expensive duvet. I was grossed

1351
01:02:25,440 --> 01:02:27,880
Speaker 2: out and ended up buying a new one. Another time,

1352
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:29,959
Speaker 2: he got a mark on my new couch one week

1353
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:31,240
Speaker 2: after purchasing it.

1354
01:02:32,280 --> 01:02:33,800
Speaker 1: Sitting naked on the couch.

1355
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:36,680
Speaker 2: That's what I can't get past. I'm like, he's got

1356
01:02:36,680 --> 01:02:37,720
Speaker 2: to put on some underwear.

1357
01:02:37,960 --> 01:02:39,480
Speaker 1: First of all, he needs to put on two pairs

1358
01:02:39,480 --> 01:02:40,080
Speaker 1: of underwear.

1359
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:44,080
Speaker 2: Yes, there are now countless examples of this happening, and

1360
01:02:44,160 --> 01:02:47,160
Speaker 2: I can't take it anymore. The situation has started to

1361
01:02:47,200 --> 01:02:50,320
Speaker 2: impact our sex life. Anytime his crouches near my face

1362
01:02:50,400 --> 01:02:54,160
Speaker 2: during Bja's sixty nine ing sexy dancing during foreplay, I

1363
01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:56,520
Speaker 2: am thinking about his poop and get turned off.

1364
01:02:57,360 --> 01:03:01,720
Speaker 1: Okay, Chelsea, this is so so disturbing. Something's wrong. He

1365
01:03:01,880 --> 01:03:04,360
Speaker 1: has to go. First of all, I learned this. There

1366
01:03:04,360 --> 01:03:08,120
Speaker 1: are two sphincter holes. Okay, so I learned this on

1367
01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:11,360
Speaker 1: a gay video about anal sex. There's some sort of

1368
01:03:11,400 --> 01:03:13,840
Speaker 1: medical condition for what's happening to him. He shouldn't be

1369
01:03:13,960 --> 01:03:16,400
Speaker 1: leaving skid marks everywhere he goes. You have to have

1370
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:19,080
Speaker 1: an honest conversation with him and nip it in the butt.

1371
01:03:19,160 --> 01:03:21,960
Speaker 1: This is so gross and no one needs to deal

1372
01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:24,280
Speaker 1: with skid marks other than the person who's leaving them,

1373
01:03:24,440 --> 01:03:26,800
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Of course it's affecting your

1374
01:03:26,880 --> 01:03:29,200
Speaker 1: sex life. Of course, you can't sixty nine somebody if

1375
01:03:29,200 --> 01:03:32,480
Speaker 1: you think there's shit coming out of their asshole. Fuck.

1376
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:34,840
Speaker 2: I also want to know what sexy dancing has his

1377
01:03:34,920 --> 01:03:37,480
Speaker 2: ask near your face. I'm just really excited about that,

1378
01:03:38,280 --> 01:03:41,040
Speaker 2: So I agree. I mean, if you've had a conversation

1379
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:45,080
Speaker 2: about like are you wiping appropriately? I mean you could

1380
01:03:45,160 --> 01:03:48,120
Speaker 2: just like leave some cottonelle wipes in the bathroom that

1381
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:50,200
Speaker 2: might help to but you do have to talk about it.

1382
01:03:50,480 --> 01:03:52,560
Speaker 1: Yes, you have to tell him. It doesn't matter if

1383
01:03:52,560 --> 01:03:55,480
Speaker 1: he's embarrassed. It's about fixing the problem because there could

1384
01:03:55,520 --> 01:03:57,840
Speaker 1: be like some sort of reason for this. Yeah, and

1385
01:03:57,880 --> 01:04:00,200
Speaker 1: I think it there is because it's not natural or

1386
01:04:00,200 --> 01:04:01,320
Speaker 1: he's not wiping properly.

1387
01:04:01,680 --> 01:04:04,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I feel like if he's not wiping properly,

1388
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:06,160
Speaker 2: then he wouldn't be that embarrassed. So like maybe it

1389
01:04:06,280 --> 01:04:09,520
Speaker 2: is like a little leagy medical issue. Oh you know,

1390
01:04:09,600 --> 01:04:11,440
Speaker 2: like maybe he's wiping fine, but then he's got a

1391
01:04:11,480 --> 01:04:13,920
Speaker 2: litt leak happening, so he should talk to his doctor

1392
01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:14,480
Speaker 2: for sure.

1393
01:04:14,920 --> 01:04:18,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not that kind of doctor. I don't know

1394
01:04:18,080 --> 01:04:18,960
Speaker 1: about assholes.

1395
01:04:19,720 --> 01:04:22,400
Speaker 2: Well, Poppy, we wish you the best of luck. And also,

1396
01:04:22,520 --> 01:04:25,120
Speaker 2: just like, have your boyfriend put on underwear in your

1397
01:04:25,120 --> 01:04:26,000
Speaker 2: house it's.

1398
01:04:25,960 --> 01:04:30,080
Speaker 1: While you're having sex. Make him wear underwear while you're

1399
01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:30,600
Speaker 1: having sex.

1400
01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:33,400
Speaker 2: Maybe up a shower before four play?

1401
01:04:33,480 --> 01:04:36,880
Speaker 1: Maybe yeah, washing his asshole all the time.

1402
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:39,600
Speaker 2: Maybe only shower sex from now on?

1403
01:04:39,880 --> 01:04:41,640
Speaker 1: Can we add on a better note than this? Do

1404
01:04:41,680 --> 01:04:42,480
Speaker 1: you have another one?

1405
01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:43,680
Speaker 2: We can't? Chelsea?

1406
01:04:44,000 --> 01:04:49,360
Speaker 1: That was upsetting for her. I'm sorry, No, I'm so sorry. Okay, So,

1407
01:04:50,440 --> 01:04:53,480
Speaker 1: dear Chelsea, I'm a big fan here. I'm a twenty

1408
01:04:53,600 --> 01:04:55,160
Speaker 1: nine year old female working.

1409
01:04:54,880 --> 01:04:57,880
Speaker 2: As a waitress. I waited recently on an older couple

1410
01:04:58,120 --> 01:05:01,720
Speaker 2: sixty five or seventy five years old, and they seemed normal,

1411
01:05:01,920 --> 01:05:04,800
Speaker 2: But when the wife stepped outside to take a phone call,

1412
01:05:05,000 --> 01:05:07,560
Speaker 2: the husband or maybe he was her friend or brother,

1413
01:05:07,640 --> 01:05:10,440
Speaker 2: there's no way to know, got weird. He called me

1414
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:14,120
Speaker 2: over to ask me a question, but then decided not to. Okay,

1415
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:17,080
Speaker 2: weird but whatever. Then he continued to stare at me

1416
01:05:17,120 --> 01:05:19,760
Speaker 2: as I was cleaning and waiting on the surrounding tables.

1417
01:05:20,280 --> 01:05:23,240
Speaker 2: The wife returns, she pays, and he goes to the bathroom.

1418
01:05:23,760 --> 01:05:26,200
Speaker 2: When he returned, I was at the computer putting in

1419
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:28,840
Speaker 2: an order when he got too close for comfort and

1420
01:05:28,920 --> 01:05:32,840
Speaker 2: whispered something so vulgar to me it stopped me in

1421
01:05:32,920 --> 01:05:35,720
Speaker 2: my tracks. All I could do was wave him away,

1422
01:05:35,800 --> 01:05:38,080
Speaker 2: as I'm not a confrontational person and the owner of

1423
01:05:38,080 --> 01:05:41,320
Speaker 2: the restaurant was sitting at the bar. They left shortly after.

1424
01:05:41,840 --> 01:05:44,440
Speaker 2: As I was cleaning the perverts table, I noticed that

1425
01:05:44,520 --> 01:05:47,480
Speaker 2: his wife, question Mark, had filled out the receipt to

1426
01:05:47,560 --> 01:05:51,280
Speaker 2: sign up for our rewards program with her email. My

1427
01:05:51,400 --> 01:05:54,280
Speaker 2: question is should I make a fake email and contact

1428
01:05:54,280 --> 01:05:56,240
Speaker 2: her to tell her this guy as a sicko and

1429
01:05:56,320 --> 01:05:58,960
Speaker 2: as a worthless pile of trash. I know it won't

1430
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:01,760
Speaker 2: really do anything, but god, it would feel so good.

1431
01:06:02,280 --> 01:06:04,640
Speaker 2: This type of thing hasn't happened since I was twenty,

1432
01:06:04,680 --> 01:06:06,640
Speaker 2: and I always said if it happened again, I would

1433
01:06:06,760 --> 01:06:09,720
Speaker 2: ruin their day. And I bitched out again. I think

1434
01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:12,920
Speaker 2: that's the worst part. What should I do? Emily?

1435
01:06:13,520 --> 01:06:15,440
Speaker 1: Well, I think it sounds like you're going to have

1436
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:18,440
Speaker 1: an opportunity to say something to his face, and I

1437
01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:21,240
Speaker 1: think that's the move, not saying something to his wife,

1438
01:06:21,280 --> 01:06:23,640
Speaker 1: because what's the point of that. That's kind of a

1439
01:06:23,680 --> 01:06:28,840
Speaker 1: cop out too, emailing her anonymously. I mean, a that's inappropriate.

1440
01:06:28,920 --> 01:06:30,880
Speaker 1: He can't talk to you like that. Whatever he said

1441
01:06:30,880 --> 01:06:34,080
Speaker 1: that was vulgar is not appropriate. And so I think

1442
01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:36,480
Speaker 1: if they signed up for your rewards program, you're going

1443
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:38,160
Speaker 1: to see him again, and I think you should get

1444
01:06:38,200 --> 01:06:39,960
Speaker 1: it straight in your head exactly what you're going to

1445
01:06:40,000 --> 01:06:42,840
Speaker 1: say the next time, and also just don't wait on

1446
01:06:42,880 --> 01:06:44,840
Speaker 1: them again. But I don't think you need to like

1447
01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:47,240
Speaker 1: get involved with their marriage. I mean, he's gross. He's

1448
01:06:47,240 --> 01:06:49,160
Speaker 1: probably been gross for a long time and she probably

1449
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:51,720
Speaker 1: does know. No, that's a good point, but if it

1450
01:06:51,760 --> 01:06:55,640
Speaker 1: does happen again in person, just get something ready to say,

1451
01:06:55,680 --> 01:06:57,120
Speaker 1: and then you could say it in front of him

1452
01:06:57,200 --> 01:06:59,280
Speaker 1: and his wife if you want to, or you could

1453
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:01,840
Speaker 1: say to him person, or you can talk to your

1454
01:07:01,840 --> 01:07:03,640
Speaker 1: manager about what you're going to say, and that you

1455
01:07:03,680 --> 01:07:05,360
Speaker 1: don't want to wait on them. I know what it

1456
01:07:05,360 --> 01:07:07,040
Speaker 1: feels like to cop out and not say the thing

1457
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:09,320
Speaker 1: that you want to say and defend yourself. I think

1458
01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:12,320
Speaker 1: you just have to wait for the moment to arise again,

1459
01:07:12,400 --> 01:07:14,960
Speaker 1: and it kind of sounds like it will unfortunately, and

1460
01:07:15,000 --> 01:07:16,000
Speaker 1: then you can say something.

1461
01:07:16,520 --> 01:07:19,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, I would talk to your manager and let

1462
01:07:19,320 --> 01:07:22,080
Speaker 2: them know what happens, and your manager might say, fine,

1463
01:07:22,080 --> 01:07:24,120
Speaker 2: then we'll ask them to leave next time they come.

1464
01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:26,880
Speaker 2: But I think there's nothing wrong with if someone whispers

1465
01:07:26,880 --> 01:07:29,360
Speaker 2: something shitty in your ear, saying loudly to them that like,

1466
01:07:29,440 --> 01:07:31,360
Speaker 2: that's not appropriate and I can't believe you said that

1467
01:07:31,400 --> 01:07:34,240
Speaker 2: to me, and please leave, even if it's your workplace.

1468
01:07:34,280 --> 01:07:36,640
Speaker 2: But also like giving your manager a heads up about

1469
01:07:36,640 --> 01:07:39,160
Speaker 2: that ahead of time, we'll probably save your ass a

1470
01:07:39,160 --> 01:07:43,240
Speaker 2: little bit with them. All right, Well, Chelsea Catherine, we

1471
01:07:43,280 --> 01:07:44,320
Speaker 2: did the Lord's work today.

1472
01:07:44,920 --> 01:07:47,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, God, God, Now I'm going to go ski and

1473
01:07:47,680 --> 01:07:50,800
Speaker 1: just you know, just let let this all roll off

1474
01:07:50,840 --> 01:07:52,840
Speaker 1: my back like a water with duck or whatever the

1475
01:07:52,880 --> 01:07:54,960
Speaker 1: fuck that's saying is exactly.

1476
01:07:56,200 --> 01:07:59,840
Speaker 2: Like water off a duck's back, exactly precisely.

1477
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:05,640
Speaker 1: Talk talk talk, good goose, Bye bye. Don't forget to

1478
01:08:05,680 --> 01:08:10,720
Speaker 1: watch my special on Netflix, you guys. Revolution, it's a revolution. Also,

1479
01:08:10,800 --> 01:08:12,840
Speaker 1: I'm going back on tour. Everybody. I have a new tour.

1480
01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:15,520
Speaker 1: It's called a little big Bitch because I'm a little

1481
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:18,240
Speaker 1: big bitch and I always have been. Sometimes well now

1482
01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:20,360
Speaker 1: I'm a big little bitch. No, I'm still a little

1483
01:08:20,360 --> 01:08:24,080
Speaker 1: big bitch. Whatever. Anyway, I'm going back on tour. I'm

1484
01:08:24,360 --> 01:08:26,760
Speaker 1: warming up my new one hour that I have to

1485
01:08:27,439 --> 01:08:30,200
Speaker 1: create from scratch, but I have some very strong ideas.

1486
01:08:30,560 --> 01:08:33,080
Speaker 1: I'm going to be at Zanies Nashville March twenty nine

1487
01:08:33,200 --> 01:08:37,200
Speaker 1: through Sunday April six, and then Irvine improv and then

1488
01:08:37,280 --> 01:08:47,320
Speaker 1: I have dates theater dates everywhere from Peoria, Illinois, Carmel, Calamus, Zeus, Spokane, Washington, Boise, Idaho, Vegas, Highland, California, Tulsa, Oklahoma,

1489
01:08:47,479 --> 01:08:49,160
Speaker 1: and more and more and more. So go to Chelsea

1490
01:08:49,200 --> 01:08:51,599
Speaker 1: Hammer dot com for tickets.

1491
01:08:52,560 --> 01:08:54,600
Speaker 2: A note on our segment calling in Back Up with

1492
01:08:54,720 --> 01:08:59,040
Speaker 2: Better Help. David Yaddish's input is general psychological information based

1493
01:08:59,080 --> 01:09:02,479
Speaker 2: on research and experience. It's intended to be general and

1494
01:09:02,640 --> 01:09:05,840
Speaker 2: informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an

1495
01:09:05,960 --> 01:09:09,439
Speaker 2: established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance.

1496
01:09:10,040 --> 01:09:12,479
Speaker 2: David's feedback is in response to a written question, and

1497
01:09:12,560 --> 01:09:16,960
Speaker 2: therefore there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,

1498
01:09:17,240 --> 01:09:18,960
Speaker 2: just because you might hear something on the show that

1499
01:09:19,080 --> 01:09:22,640
Speaker 2: sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.

1500
01:09:23,040 --> 01:09:25,639
Speaker 2: Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want

1501
01:09:25,680 --> 01:09:28,280
Speaker 2: to find a qualified professional to assess and to explore

1502
01:09:28,360 --> 01:09:31,200
Speaker 2: diagnoses if that's important to you. If you or your

1503
01:09:31,240 --> 01:09:33,640
Speaker 2: partner or in crisis and uncertain of whether you can

1504
01:09:33,720 --> 01:09:36,959
Speaker 2: maintain safety, please reach out for support to crisis hotlines

1505
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Speaker 2: or local authorities have a safety plan and that can

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Speaker 2: be done with a therapist too, So if you'd like

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Speaker 2: advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear

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Speaker 2: Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a

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Speaker 2: production of iHeartRadio. Executive produced by Nick Stumpf, produced by

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Speaker 2: Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.