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Speaker 1: Hey guys, I'm Kaylie Shure and this is too much

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Speaker 1: to say, so before we dive into this week's episode,

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Speaker 1: I want to give a trigger warning. Um, we're going

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Speaker 1: to be talking about domestic abuse, both mental and physical,

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Speaker 1: and if that's something that is uncomfortable for you listen

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Speaker 1: to that's totally find no hard feelings. Next week's episode

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Speaker 1: will not be about the same thing. So that's your warning,

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Speaker 1: and uh yeah, I put it in the info, but

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Speaker 1: just in case you missed it, I wanted to make

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Speaker 1: sure that nobody happened across something triggering, because I know

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Speaker 1: how hard that can be. I think the term trigger

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Speaker 1: gets overused and you know, kind of used to make

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Speaker 1: fun of people, but it's actually a really legitimate thing

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Speaker 1: that you have to talk about out because you can

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Speaker 1: just be going about your day and you're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna driving to work and listen to Kaylee's podcast.

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Speaker 1: I was just talking about her ex boyfriends again, and

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Speaker 1: she is, but just it's a real mood killer. So

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Speaker 1: I had a personal epiphany this week that was got

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Speaker 1: a lot, a lot to handle. And it's so weird

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Speaker 1: to me that you know, I'm not dwelling on the

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Speaker 1: past I talked about it on my podcast. I write

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Speaker 1: songs about it just because you know, I'm a writer.

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Speaker 1: I'm a creative and I've only had so many relationships

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Speaker 1: to write about, and so if you know, I have

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Speaker 1: an idea about something or I'm just thinking about it,

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Speaker 1: it can turn into an entire song. Like I could

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Speaker 1: just have a fleeting thought because I saw something about

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Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend on the Internet or whatever, and then

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Speaker 1: that turns into an entire song. And it doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: I'm just sitting here banging my head against a wall,

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Speaker 1: being like, how can I talk about him right now?

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Speaker 1: It's just like you know, content creation, and I'm in

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Speaker 1: a healthy relationship right now. And the thing is, when

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Speaker 1: you are in a healthy relationship, there's only a lot

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Speaker 1: of drama to talk about. So I'm not complaining. I'm

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Speaker 1: very happy, but I just felt like I needed to

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Speaker 1: say that. But so it's weird three years later to

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Speaker 1: still be discovering things about my relationship and the person

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Speaker 1: I spent time with and being surprised by that because

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Speaker 1: I've learned things over that period of time. I'm not

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Speaker 1: sure if that made sense. I'm really doing my best year,

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Speaker 1: but I wanted to do an episode about gaslighting yourself,

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Speaker 1: because you can definitely be lied to in gaslight by

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Speaker 1: somebody else, but you can do that to yourself as well,

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Speaker 1: and it's a coping mechanism for sure. So the term

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Speaker 1: gaslighting comes from this old movie and it's called Gaslight,

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Speaker 1: and it's where this like crazy man marries a woman

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Speaker 1: and he's doing all these things and trying to convince

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Speaker 1: her that she's going and saying, and one of them

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Speaker 1: is like the gas lights flickering, and it's because he's

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Speaker 1: going up in the attic and looking for stuff that

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Speaker 1: he can steal, and so they flicker because there's not

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Speaker 1: enough gas downstairs. And so she's like, she is, like

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Speaker 1: they're flickering and going out, what's going on? And he's like, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm looking at them right now, like nothing's happening. What

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Speaker 1: are you talking about? And then it just spirals and

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, he's just making your question reality.

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Speaker 1: And that's something that of u siven toxic people do

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Speaker 1: very often, Like you bring up something that upsets you

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Speaker 1: and they just literally make you feel like you're insane.

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Speaker 1: And our intuition is like humans, intuition is pretty powerful

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Speaker 1: and a big lesson that you learn in life is

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Speaker 1: how to distinguish your intuition from your anxiety, So like

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Speaker 1: deciding when that voice in your head is right it's

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Speaker 1: warning you about something, or when you're just kind of

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Speaker 1: inventing things to be stressed about, because that's what anxiety is,

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Speaker 1: and you know it's not something you can control. But

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Speaker 1: learning when your gut is warning you is are important.

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Speaker 1: And so there were a lot of red flags with

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Speaker 1: this guy that I just assumed were anxiety and not intuition,

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Speaker 1: and in retrospect, I now know that they were intuition.

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Speaker 1: So I've kind of talked about it, danced around it

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Speaker 1: on my podcast and in my music. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: definitely talked about like in Few Forever there's a line

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Speaker 1: about my ex boyfriend putting his hands on me. So

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Speaker 1: none of this is really new information. I just kind

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Speaker 1: of had uh realization. Now that I have a little

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Speaker 1: bit more space between me and what happened, I'm able

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Speaker 1: to see it for what it really is, but without

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Speaker 1: going too far into it. Basically, what happened was mercury

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Speaker 1: retrograde is strong and a lot of people from my

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Speaker 1: past are coming back around. But I met somebody who

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Speaker 1: knew some very interesting information about my ex and it

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Speaker 1: kind of blew my mind, and um, I would never

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Speaker 1: want another woman to have to go through what I

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Speaker 1: went through, But hearing that that's happened is like crazy,

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Speaker 1: It's it's been a lot to process because I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I wasn't making that up. And for so long, I

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Speaker 1: like I felt so guilty talking about what happened to

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Speaker 1: me because I was thinking like I was being an asshole,

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Speaker 1: or I was trying to get attention, or I was

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Speaker 1: playing the victim, or I was exaggerating and like defaming

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Speaker 1: his character and all these things, and I just wasn't like,

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Speaker 1: if anything, I was toning it down. And I remember,

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Speaker 1: in another example of of me gaslighting myself, I took

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Speaker 1: Candy Um back to my hometown for my sister's funeral,

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Speaker 1: and so she was able to see like the full

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Speaker 1: dysfunction of my family and I was like, yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: not that bad, and she's like, Kayley, what are you

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Speaker 1: talking about? It is like literally so much worse than

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Speaker 1: you've ever told me, and like all the drama with

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Speaker 1: my my family and whatnot. And I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: it is, isn't it. And sometimes it's like, why it's

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Speaker 1: really valuable to have somebody else's perspective on what you're

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Speaker 1: going through, because I have just a really bad habit

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Speaker 1: of telling myself I'm like, well, somebody else out there

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Speaker 1: has it worse, like this isn't that big of a deal.

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Speaker 1: And having somebody you love to become like, you know,

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Speaker 1: who's who is your Prince Charming become your villain overnight

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Speaker 1: it is very disorienting and so accepting that is going

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Speaker 1: to take some time. And I've just really seen a

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Speaker 1: major change happened since I heard this information. Um So,

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Speaker 1: I think part of it is, you know, when you

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Speaker 1: know Prince Charming that well, you know the good things

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Speaker 1: about him, and everybody has good and bad, like nobody's

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Speaker 1: nobody's perfect, and there are some redeeming qualities to probably

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Speaker 1: everybody on the planet. Um but you know, sometimes the

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Speaker 1: bad does that weigh the good, and then it doesn't

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Speaker 1: really matter how much they like dogs if they're horrible

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Speaker 1: to humans, you know. And um so, it was so

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Speaker 1: easy to just remind myself of the nice things and

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Speaker 1: the happy things and the good memories because they did exist,

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Speaker 1: and it was um you know, I did that so

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Speaker 1: that I could you know, not remember the bad stuff

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Speaker 1: that happened. And truthfully, it was stuff I really only

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Speaker 1: talked about in my songs, Like I talked about it

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Speaker 1: in eighteen, and I talked about it in a few

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Speaker 1: Forever and you know, just covered some of the manipulation,

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Speaker 1: talked about it in Escape. But I talked about it

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Speaker 1: way more in my songs than I did to my

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Speaker 1: friends or anybody. And another thing that really bolsters gas

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Speaker 1: lighting is seeing other people like aside from your viewser

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Speaker 1: not give a ship. And I just did a very angry,

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Speaker 1: sassy TikTok, and that's an energy I normally reserved for

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Speaker 1: the podcast, but I just could not stop thinking about it.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, thinking about these feminists who go to

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Speaker 1: the women's March and make their cute signs and where

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Speaker 1: the pussy hats, and you know, we're always posting quotes

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Speaker 1: really girls support girls, and you know, blah blah blah

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Speaker 1: blah boss babes and like a lot of those women.

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Speaker 1: I think every woman who's ever chosen my abuser over

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Speaker 1: me has been one of those girls. And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you don't get to use the word feminism. You do

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Speaker 1: not get to use that, And um, when my ex

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Speaker 1: and I had our final fight, and like he you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say what happened, because it's what happened,

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Speaker 1: and I'm done pretending it didn't. Um. We were breaking up.

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Speaker 1: He was yelling at me, um like screaming. He had

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Speaker 1: a really deep voice. And I was physically um abused

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Speaker 1: by a family member when I was younger, like once

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Speaker 1: or twice, but enough that it was traumatic. Seat I'm

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Speaker 1: doing it again. I'm trying to tell myself it's not

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Speaker 1: that big of a deal. If somebody freaking pushes you

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Speaker 1: into a dresser when you're nine years old, that's really bad. Okay. Anyways,

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Speaker 1: Um yeah, So it took me back to that place

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Speaker 1: and I just like full ont associated, like I had

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Speaker 1: no idea what was going on. And he was asking me,

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Speaker 1: um screaming m me, asking me if I was going

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Speaker 1: to break up with him, because it was after I

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Speaker 1: found out he cheated on me, and I was just

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Speaker 1: trying to do the right thing and take a week

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Speaker 1: to decide if I wanted to break up because of that,

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Speaker 1: because that's what my therapist told me to do. And

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Speaker 1: it ended with him just completely black out trunk doing

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Speaker 1: this and I wasn't saying anything, so he like grabbed

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Speaker 1: me by the shoulders and like hit me up against

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Speaker 1: the bathtub and shook me. And um, that made it

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Speaker 1: very easy for me to gasolate myself because a I

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Speaker 1: was like, well, it's telling he like punched me. It's

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Speaker 1: something he like slapped me or whatever. And it's still like,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I still had bruises the next day, you know,

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Speaker 1: and it still was deeply traumatizing. It's still physically and

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Speaker 1: emotionally hurt, and it just like, I think it's kind

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Speaker 1: of rare that an abusive and manipulative person will just

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Speaker 1: straight up punch you in the face because they get

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Speaker 1: away with it by doing other things. Like I had

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Speaker 1: a friend whom her ex boyfriend would like throw things

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Speaker 1: at her and like pinch her and like do really

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Speaker 1: weird things, and like that was you know, she would

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Speaker 1: gaslight herself and be like, well, it's not like he

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Speaker 1: hits me. And I mean, I'm laughing because it's just

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Speaker 1: so fucking insane that like you can be that manipulated,

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Speaker 1: and that like I could be that manipulated. But so

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Speaker 1: you know the fact that it wasn't just like a

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Speaker 1: black and white punged to my face and made it

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Speaker 1: easy to gaslight myself. But also there were people there, um,

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Speaker 1: and there were people who heard and saw it happen,

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Speaker 1: and those people still are friends with my ex boyfriend,

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Speaker 1: and I knew it happened, and so I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: it can't be that big of a deal. Maybe I'm

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Speaker 1: exaggerating and playing the victim. Because if they saw it

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Speaker 1: and still wanted to hang out with this person all

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Speaker 1: the time, actually more than me, and like chose them

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Speaker 1: in the breakup, then I must be crazy and like

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Speaker 1: acting like the victim. And then I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to take away from people who have

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Speaker 1: actually been you know, abused, because I'm calling this abuse

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Speaker 1: and it wasn't. And it's just like obviously, like literally

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Speaker 1: everything is a spectrum and there's you know, people who

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Speaker 1: just aren't so battered. And I do know how lucky

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Speaker 1: I was to get out when I did and to

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Speaker 1: you know, recognize that major shift. But it also wasn't

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Speaker 1: the first time something like that had happened, and there

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Speaker 1: was it usually happened when he was drunk by the

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Speaker 1: first thing that sort of was the beginning of the

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Speaker 1: end and should have been you know, a red flag

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Speaker 1: for me more than it was was. Um. We were

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Speaker 1: driving home from a party one night and I hadn't

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Speaker 1: drank anything. It was like a very fancy party at

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Speaker 1: a mansion and it was like a house show. So

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Speaker 1: they were doing like writers rounds and I played one

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Speaker 1: and there was no bar and so him and I

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Speaker 1: are there with some friends and it's really fun, and

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Speaker 1: I was just like, I know, I have to drive

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Speaker 1: really far and I just want to be professional here,

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Speaker 1: but I was like, y'all take advantage of it. And um,

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Speaker 1: towards the end of the night, he starts talking really loudly,

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Speaker 1: and um, I already said he has a very loud voice.

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Speaker 1: But there was a girl playing like a song, and

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Speaker 1: I just like, in the nicest way possible, like because

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Speaker 1: I know what it's like to be too loud when

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Speaker 1: you're drunk, and it's embarrassing when someone calls you out

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Speaker 1: on it. And I was like, hey, baby, you're being

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Speaker 1: kind of loud, like can you can you be quiet?

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Speaker 1: While she's singing, And like the blood drains out of

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Speaker 1: his face and he does not say a word, and

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Speaker 1: he's like, let's go home, Let's go home, And I

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Speaker 1: just didn't know what's going on? So we go home,

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Speaker 1: and on the drive home, he starts like slamming his

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Speaker 1: fist down on the dashboard and like just like freaking

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Speaker 1: out and like hitting things in the car and like thrashing,

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Speaker 1: and like I literally almost ran off the road like

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Speaker 1: two or three times. And like I said, I was

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Speaker 1: completely sober, and you know, it wasn't like he was

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Speaker 1: reaching over and like hitting me, but I definitely was

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Speaker 1: like going to lose control of the car if he

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Speaker 1: kept doing that. And he's just like screaming and it

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Speaker 1: was like so awful, and I'm just trying to get

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Speaker 1: his home and I don't I mean the entire time,

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Speaker 1: I was thinking, like is he going to hit me?

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Speaker 1: Like what's happening here? Because it was so bizarre and

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Speaker 1: when I described this, like these situations, it just doesn't

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Speaker 1: sound like something anybody would do. So I've am was

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Speaker 1: currently gaslighting myself now, But I like, I know, I

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Speaker 1: know the truth. I always knew the truth. I was

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Speaker 1: just scared to a minute. And honestly, sometimes it's easier

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Speaker 1: to believe that you spent that much of your life

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Speaker 1: with somebody who was nice to you all the time

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Speaker 1: and just like went through a bad time and you

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Speaker 1: got in a fight than it is to believe that,

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Speaker 1: you know, I got asked out on my eighteenth birthday

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Speaker 1: by somebody who had known me for a while and

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Speaker 1: I was older than me, and then proceeded to do

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Speaker 1: things like that and like minimize my career and um,

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Speaker 1: you know, try to like hold me back from things

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Speaker 1: and get really jealous and act out. And I'm pretty

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00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,360
Speaker 1: sure repeatedly cheated on cheated on me more than just

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Speaker 1: the one time. I mean I did a TikTok about

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Speaker 1: this too, But like a good example of of gas

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Speaker 1: lighting in this relationship was, Um, there was this girl

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Speaker 1: that he'd like. I think he used to hook up

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Speaker 1: with her. I knew she was really into him. I

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00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,960
Speaker 1: think they made out drunk at party once, but I

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00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,080
Speaker 1: was like eighteen, and to me that was like the

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Speaker 1: biggest deal on the planet because it was like, you know,

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Speaker 1: he was like older, and I get that, like when

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Speaker 1: you're three, you kind of make up with people randomly

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Speaker 1: at parties, but like I wasn't in that phase of

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Speaker 1: my life yet, so I was like, you know, really

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Speaker 1: really disliked this girl. She also wasn't very nice to me,

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Speaker 1: and like clearly still had a thing for my ex

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Speaker 1: boyfriend and so um they did a photo shoot and

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Speaker 1: him and I had talked about it and I was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: can you just like promise me you're not going to

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Speaker 1: do like a because each shown me the concept up

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Speaker 1: for the shoe and was like, you know, wanting me

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Speaker 1: to be excited about it, and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that's weird, like this is a new shoot, and he

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Speaker 1: was like, oh yeah, I mean it's gonna be really tasteful,

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Speaker 1: like you know, and and I was like, okay, well,

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Speaker 1: can you just promise me that, like, if she is

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Speaker 1: going to take her clothes off, that you can either

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Speaker 1: have like a makeup artist there or like an assistant

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Speaker 1: or somebody, but if it ends up just being you

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Speaker 1: and her alone, like she'll keep her clothes on. And

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Speaker 1: I feel like that's a pretty reasonable request. And he said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: they'll make sure, and so he does the shoot. I

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Speaker 1: was like I had like I felt sick to my

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Speaker 1: stomach the entire time he was doing it, and I

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Speaker 1: was just like, no, I need to be supportive of

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Speaker 1: his career, Like why am I so upset about this?

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Speaker 1: And so I was just like I'm going to be

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Speaker 1: mature I'm not going to be jealous, Dad. So he's

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Speaker 1: showing me the pictures and he's trying to be supportive

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Speaker 1: and personally at them at the time, and and now, um,

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Speaker 1: this is bitchy. I don't care. Um, I just thought

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Speaker 1: they were really trashy. He was like one of those

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Speaker 1: Neon paint shoots that's just like Supergue thousand and twelve,

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Speaker 1: you know. And I'm looking at them and I was like,

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00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,680
Speaker 1: oh wow, like, you know, trying to find something to

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Speaker 1: like in them, and um, I had my finger on

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00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,000
Speaker 1: the arrow like on his mac book to go forward,

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00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,760
Speaker 1: and I kept going forward and I could sell until

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00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,960
Speaker 1: he was like trying that he was about to move

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Speaker 1: my hand because I got to the part of the

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Speaker 1: pictures where she took her clothes off, and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: and I'd already known that he ended up. He told

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Speaker 1: me that it ended up just being the two of

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Speaker 1: them alone, and he said that like she kept her

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Speaker 1: clothes on and all that. So he just like straight

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Speaker 1: applied and like, how did you think you're gonna get

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Speaker 1: away with that? And then um, you know, we're getting

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Speaker 1: a fight about it, and like he kind of apologized,

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00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,440
Speaker 1: I guess sort of, but then turned it into this

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Speaker 1: thing that like I was overly jealous and I wasn't

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Speaker 1: supportive of his career, and like I was going to

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Speaker 1: have to get used to this if we were going

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Speaker 1: to keep dating, because things like this we're gonna keep happening.

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Speaker 1: And um, then he was like, you know, basically told

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Speaker 1: me I was a bad feminist for not being okay

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Speaker 1: with this photo shoot. And then I was like, this

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00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,400
Speaker 1: was kind of before people were using the turn sex

324
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,359
Speaker 1: shaming a lot, but like it was the slut shaming.

325
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,439
Speaker 1: It was like that, and he was like and so

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Speaker 1: I was like trying so hard to keep up with

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Speaker 1: this older guy, and so I was like, Okay, he's right,

328
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Speaker 1: I'm not being nice. I'm like being bitchy just because

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Speaker 1: I don't like this girl, and like completely ended up

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Speaker 1: like taking it upon myself. And then we went on

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Speaker 1: a break. It's like Rose and Rachel, like we were

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00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,960
Speaker 1: on a break and we went on a break. I

333
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,760
Speaker 1: literally moved out of the house because we're already living

334
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,440
Speaker 1: together at this point. I know it's super trashy whatever. Um,

335
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,720
Speaker 1: I was eighteen. You know. It wasn't in a trailer

336
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:41,240
Speaker 1: park though, but it might it might as well but anyways,

337
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,440
Speaker 1: no judgment for people who live in trailer parks. I

338
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,320
Speaker 1: did too, but I just feel like I'm painting this

339
00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:49,800
Speaker 1: image anyway. Sorry, I'm like trying really hard to stand topic,

340
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,560
Speaker 1: but as I'm sure you can imagine, this is kind

341
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,760
Speaker 1: of a difficult one. UM So, we already lived together,

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Speaker 1: So I move out for the and go stay with

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Speaker 1: my friend for a week, like we were fully on

344
00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:02,720
Speaker 1: a break, like if anything, we were broken up. I

345
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:07,040
Speaker 1: go to this um this like dubstep concert for this

346
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,560
Speaker 1: um DJ named Decision, and it was just like the

347
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,399
Speaker 1: most two thousand twelve things ever and we um, me

348
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,040
Speaker 1: and my friend go and like there was this guy

349
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,399
Speaker 1: in a banana costume and I was dancing with him

350
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,159
Speaker 1: and then he kissed me and I made out with

351
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Speaker 1: him for like thirty seconds at this concert. And so

352
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,879
Speaker 1: I told my ex boyfriend about this as soon as

353
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:31,280
Speaker 1: we started working things out and figuring it out, and

354
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:37,480
Speaker 1: like he got really mad and then turned the entire

355
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,359
Speaker 1: thing into the fact that like I had quote unquote

356
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:45,280
Speaker 1: cheated on him. And apparently to this day, nine years later,

357
00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:48,440
Speaker 1: eight years later, I don't know, the very very long

358
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,440
Speaker 1: time later, he's like still telling people that, like I

359
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,520
Speaker 1: cheated on him when we first started dating, and I'm like,

360
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,960
Speaker 1: that is just such a reach, Like that is such

361
00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:01,320
Speaker 1: a reach. And there was also like during that fight, Um,

362
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,760
Speaker 1: I'd already like there was another time that he slept

363
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,679
Speaker 1: with this girl and like lied to me about it,

364
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,760
Speaker 1: but we weren't like officially dating yet, but um it

365
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,679
Speaker 1: was like our roommate's best friend and like she had

366
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,639
Speaker 1: a boyfriend and she was around all the time, and

367
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,320
Speaker 1: like he finally told me about it, but like we

368
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,800
Speaker 1: were already like sleeping together when he stumped with her

369
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,359
Speaker 1: and like completely lied to me about it, and I

370
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,320
Speaker 1: asked him if they'd ever done anything, like I straight

371
00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,240
Speaker 1: up at it, and like he like left the truth

372
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:31,520
Speaker 1: out and then um, he like it was just a nightmare,

373
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,200
Speaker 1: but he turned that into like me being overly jealous,

374
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,320
Speaker 1: and so like I asked him if I could read

375
00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,000
Speaker 1: his text with her or whatever, and we're like fighting,

376
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:43,160
Speaker 1: and I just drank half a bottle of Jim Beam spiced.

377
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,920
Speaker 1: It was I can't even go near that ship anymore. Um,

378
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,760
Speaker 1: and so like I had his phone and keep in mind,

379
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,000
Speaker 1: I'm eighteen years old, Like I don't think that's an

380
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Speaker 1: excuse for behaving like this, but I just feel like

381
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,320
Speaker 1: if I'm going to talk about this and we be

382
00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:59,320
Speaker 1: transparent and um, So I had his phone and I

383
00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:02,120
Speaker 1: saw like, you know, them talking about how they had sex,

384
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,879
Speaker 1: and so I just like throw his phone across the

385
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:07,800
Speaker 1: room in his general direction. But I did not hit him. Um,

386
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,000
Speaker 1: that wasn't my goal. I was literally just like drunken

387
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:14,119
Speaker 1: Matt and through his phone. And so he after, you know,

388
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,560
Speaker 1: I talked to him after we broke up the final

389
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:21,200
Speaker 1: time about how he was, you know, had hit me.

390
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,800
Speaker 1: He was like, well, you know that one time that

391
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,960
Speaker 1: like you threw your phone at me or through my

392
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 1: phone at me and like tried to use that and

393
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,880
Speaker 1: so I go on, yes, lighting myself, and I'm like, well, yeah,

394
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,480
Speaker 1: I guess I started the toxic cycle of abuse because

395
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,159
Speaker 1: I threw your fucking flip phone across the room in

396
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:42,680
Speaker 1: two thousand twelve, Like what the funk? Right? I'm just

397
00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:46,000
Speaker 1: I feel like my world has been rocked by figuring

398
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:50,479
Speaker 1: out this information, um, and and hearing that he's not changed,

399
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:54,120
Speaker 1: and then I also it's just it's I know, I'm

400
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,199
Speaker 1: in like a really great place now, but I I

401
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,639
Speaker 1: have to write about it because now I'm finally seeing

402
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,520
Speaker 1: it for what it is, and I'm able to acknowledge it,

403
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,800
Speaker 1: not just in my songs, like I feel like when

404
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,719
Speaker 1: I sang if You Forever, I still felt guilty. And

405
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,119
Speaker 1: I heard the story about when he was dating and

406
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,760
Speaker 1: another girl after me, like he would cry every night

407
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,800
Speaker 1: and like have her comfort him because if You Forever

408
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,719
Speaker 1: came out and I made my felt self feel so

409
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:22,080
Speaker 1: bad for that, And now in retrospect, I can see

410
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,320
Speaker 1: he was probably manipulating her by in order to make

411
00:21:26,359 --> 00:21:28,400
Speaker 1: her not believe what I wrote about in my song

412
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,480
Speaker 1: that was a true And I've talked about this with

413
00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:35,600
Speaker 1: a lot of my like I've talked about this in

414
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,760
Speaker 1: a lot of different ways, but like if I'm going

415
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,639
Speaker 1: to write a song and it's going to be angry

416
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,560
Speaker 1: and it's going to put somebody on blast, like that,

417
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,560
Speaker 1: every single fucking word has to be true. Every word

418
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:48,600
Speaker 1: of Amy is true. And um, this is the guy

419
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:53,000
Speaker 1: that Amy slept with after having heard about him doing

420
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,520
Speaker 1: all this stuff to me and like being abusive, And

421
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,119
Speaker 1: she was my friend and not only chose him over me,

422
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:04,479
Speaker 1: but actually like chose my abuser over me and slept

423
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,080
Speaker 1: with him, And so I kind of left that part

424
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:10,040
Speaker 1: out when I was talking about the song because I

425
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,880
Speaker 1: hadn't come to terms with the fact that that's what

426
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,560
Speaker 1: it is. But like, what else do you call it

427
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,879
Speaker 1: when somebody you know slams you up against a bathtub

428
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,159
Speaker 1: and tries to run the car off the road and

429
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:23,399
Speaker 1: spends you know that long fucking with you, you know,

430
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 1: And so that that was a big part of why

431
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 1: I felt it was okay to put out a song

432
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,000
Speaker 1: that was that, I mean, you know, because I just

433
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,159
Speaker 1: kind of was like, it was empowering for me to

434
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:38,280
Speaker 1: reclaim my you know, being able to talk about how

435
00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:40,560
Speaker 1: I fucking felt about it because I never got to

436
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,439
Speaker 1: really talk to like these people and confront them. And

437
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,600
Speaker 1: so I wrote a song, and you know, she wrote

438
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,560
Speaker 1: a song about him and like talked about me a

439
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,919
Speaker 1: little bit in it, and I was like, all right,

440
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:54,320
Speaker 1: fair game. So it's just it's a lot to realize

441
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:58,000
Speaker 1: and probably gonna have to hit up my therapist about

442
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,400
Speaker 1: this one. But if any of you guys have made

443
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 1: it through this episode and you relate, wow, you've made

444
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: it through an obstacle course of triggers. And also, um,

445
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,639
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry if anybody relates to this, but I

446
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,880
Speaker 1: kind of wanted to talk about it. I don't want sympathy.

447
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,640
Speaker 1: It's been so long and I have done so much

448
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,520
Speaker 1: work and like I can't stress enough. Like I'm in

449
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,800
Speaker 1: such a great place, Like I don't know if I've

450
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:27,320
Speaker 1: ever felt better, honestly, And that's probably why God had

451
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:29,080
Speaker 1: me wait so long to figure this out, because I'm

452
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:32,800
Speaker 1: finally in like a place to receive this information. Um,

453
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 1: but I wanted to share it, not for sympathy, but

454
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,919
Speaker 1: because I feel like there's probably somebody else out there too,

455
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:42,280
Speaker 1: lying to themselves about how bad it was and minimizing

456
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,040
Speaker 1: it and not necessarily doing that to stay with the person,

457
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:49,119
Speaker 1: but just to you know, the bad guy has a

458
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:50,880
Speaker 1: way of always making you feel like the bad guy.

459
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 1: And um, oh my god, I'm gonna probably go a

460
00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,399
Speaker 1: song after this, But thanks for making it through this

461
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:01,399
Speaker 1: one guy's Um, this is a really safe space for

462
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,639
Speaker 1: me and seeing your messages and my d ms are

463
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,959
Speaker 1: always open. My social media is linked in the description.

464
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:12,159
Speaker 1: But I do respond to those messages as much as

465
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,879
Speaker 1: I possibly can, because you know, I get a lot

466
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,320
Speaker 1: about the heavier topics that I talk about on the

467
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,639
Speaker 1: podcast and people you know, sharing their stories, so you

468
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,719
Speaker 1: definitely don't have to do that publicly on Twitter if

469
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,119
Speaker 1: you want to talk. And then I have a community

470
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,680
Speaker 1: as well, UM with my like have a it's called um,

471
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,480
Speaker 1: it's called community, but it's an app. Or I have

472
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,800
Speaker 1: a phone number and like shows up just like my

473
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,520
Speaker 1: message and I can talk to you guys. But if

474
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,640
Speaker 1: you feel like talking, I do my best to respond.

475
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 1: But my number on there is six nine two three

476
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:46,680
Speaker 1: nine two six, it's nine two two six. Um, if

477
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,040
Speaker 1: anybody wants to chat, and um, thanks for listening. This

478
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 1: already feels really therapeutic and um yeah, if you relate,

479
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,680
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry. I'm sending you a hug and uh,

480
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 1: I'll probably have some more songs coming out about it.

481
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,160
Speaker 1: So I love you guys. My name is Kaylie Short.

482
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 1: And this is too much to say. Let's don't go

483
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:12,600
Speaker 1: asking questions so soon. I'm got to us. Now turn

484
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,600
Speaker 1: it out of you. You