Speaker 1: Scrubbing in with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast That's right.
Speaker 2: We are hello, everybody. We are scrubbing it.
Speaker 1: Rub a dub dub and the tub dub tum.
Speaker 2: How to ring to it? That sound? How you doing?
Speaker 1: Dan good? Hiding?
Speaker 2: Dan good? Dan good good?
Speaker 1: How long is Haley out a town for for the
Speaker 1: whole week?
Speaker 2: Two weeks?
Speaker 3: Whoa?
Speaker 2: Everyone hush follows over the room. I'm good.
Speaker 3: Are you better with that? Better? Okay?
Speaker 2: I'm better?
Speaker 3: Good?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm better. I'm healthier, mentally stronger, mentally right and
Speaker 2: also sad.
Speaker 3: It's kind of sad, but I feel like the deeper
Speaker 3: you get in your relationship, the more you're like, oh,
Speaker 3: I kind of don't mind the freedom of this.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I hate her being gone. That's like, I
Speaker 2: hate it. It takes me a few days to like
Speaker 2: adjust to sleeping and like, I just I love our
Speaker 2: I love doing stuff like everything with her, and so
Speaker 2: I think like having dinner together and going to bed
Speaker 2: and having our show. You know, it's just like that.
Speaker 1: Well, the nighttime routine is like sad, like and he's gone,
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is sad, although I have.
Speaker 2: To say I have like the hardest time getting out
Speaker 2: of bed and being productive if she's in bed next
Speaker 2: to me. So like I'm way more productive in terms
Speaker 2: of doing stuff, which is nice.
Speaker 1: Oh that is nice because like.
Speaker 2: When I just want to be like sitting next to
Speaker 2: her if she's there.
Speaker 1: I like literally wept tears when I left, probably to
Speaker 1: go to New York, like actual tears.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, that was right, yo, it just got very.
Speaker 1: Yeah I do that was a part of it.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah.
Speaker 1: But like I keep telling him, I'm like, I know
Speaker 1: the newlywed phase ends, because it's literally called like the
Speaker 1: newlywed phase, but like I don't want it to end,
Speaker 1: Like how do we preserve this?
Speaker 2: Just get married every year?
Speaker 1: Yeah, or celebrate every month like or every month. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose it.
Speaker 2: Just never stop celebrating being in love.
Speaker 1: You know, I did a lot of really sweet dms.
Speaker 1: I posted that something about like being newly wet and
Speaker 1: I never want to like lose this feeling. And I
Speaker 1: got a lot of dams from people who've been married
Speaker 1: for like twenty years plus saying like they still feel
Speaker 1: that same way about their husband, And I'm like Okay,
Speaker 1: so some people still can have it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think. I think. I mean, you put in
Speaker 2: the effort, you reap what you so mm hmm. The
Speaker 2: grass is green where you water water it.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So anyways, shall we get into some deer bonio questions?
Speaker 2: Was enough four play for you?
Speaker 1: It wasn't quite the amount of four play that I
Speaker 1: usually like, but it's fine for today.
Speaker 3: This is from a spiral thing scrubber. By the way,
Speaker 3: I like that if you don't want to give us
Speaker 3: your name, rather than just be anonymous, do something cute
Speaker 3: with it, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well I hate that she's spiraling, but yeah
Speaker 2: that's true.
Speaker 3: But you know, come up with some alliterative signtu.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I like it too.
Speaker 3: Harod and hopeless. All right. This is from a spiral
Speaker 3: link scrubber. I have been with my boyfriend five years.
Speaker 3: He's thirty one. I'll be thirty three in June. I
Speaker 3: love him, I love our life together. We're figuring out
Speaker 3: next steps as far as our future together. One thing
Speaker 3: for me is I don't always feel our sexual chemistry.
Speaker 3: It's something I've stressed about throughout a relationship and have
Speaker 3: tried not to overthink it. Don't get me wrong. We
Speaker 3: are into it regularly, but I don't often crave him
Speaker 3: or have vagina tingles, and can't say I had them
Speaker 3: even early on in our relationship. Listening to your recent
Speaker 3: dear binding episode of hearing about the almond milk versus
Speaker 3: froyo with toppings sparks some anxiety. By the way, that
Speaker 3: was really funny. I watched the Instagram for that and
Speaker 3: left all over again. Should I be worried they don't
Speaker 3: have those vagina singles? Am I with the wrong person?
Speaker 3: Or can it be normal to just be content with
Speaker 3: less sexual chemistry? Sincerely, a spiral link scrubber.
Speaker 2: Hmmm, you know what's interesting. It's totally fine to be
Speaker 2: content if that's a you want. I always saw I
Speaker 2: can be content like in my life before I met Haley,
Speaker 2: I thought like, I can be happy and I can
Speaker 2: feel content. But I now that I've had something more,
Speaker 2: I realize how much more fulfilling it is to not
Speaker 2: just be content with the person I'm with. I'm curious
Speaker 2: about your thoughts on this, because you're very Before Robbie,
Speaker 2: you were very much like vagina tingles.
Speaker 1: However, kind of no. I was never about no vagina tingles.
Speaker 1: Are always a priority.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know that you prioritize them before Robbie.
Speaker 1: No, I think that vagina tingles can grow over time.
Speaker 1: I don't think you just have instant vagina tingles all
Speaker 1: the time. M hm. However, I did have those with
Speaker 1: Robbie right away. But I'm saying if it doesn't happen
Speaker 1: right away doesn't mean that they're never gonna come. But
Speaker 1: I do think they're important. You're sick.
Speaker 2: I was sick, but they've been together during my five years.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not coming, not coming after five years.
Speaker 2: I don't think you don't think they can develop after
Speaker 2: five years.
Speaker 1: No, I think they can develop after a couple of months.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but do you think that it's something because you
Speaker 2: know how I've referenced this episode before and everyone acted
Speaker 2: like I was crazy. But we had like a sex
Speaker 2: therapist on and it was over Zoom and she we
Speaker 2: talked about how people have different sex languages or whatever
Speaker 2: sex preference.
Speaker 1: Episode seemed to escaping me.
Speaker 2: I know, maybe I did it alone.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2: Anyways, it is basically saying how people have different preferences,
Speaker 2: like some people like like it very like straightforward and gentle,
Speaker 2: and romantic. Some people have like kinks and like have things,
Speaker 2: and if you're not catering to those things or feel like,
Speaker 2: say enough to express those things, then you're not getting
Speaker 2: what you want in a in a sexual capacity, right,
Speaker 2: And so maybe something.
Speaker 1: Is joy sixty nine. Some people don't.
Speaker 2: Simply put yes.
Speaker 4: It's a fantastic example time.
Speaker 2: Simply put yes.
Speaker 1: But maybe she does and he's not giving her that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Or maybe y'all haven't even had that conversation about
Speaker 2: what you like in a very open and honest way,
Speaker 2: because it's very vulnerable to share like the things that
Speaker 2: you like and prefer if it's different from your partners.
Speaker 2: But if you haven't had that conversation, I would look
Speaker 2: into into having that and seeing if the tingles can develop.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's this show, what's it called Goop? It was
Speaker 1: like some sort of Gwyneth Paltrow show.
Speaker 2: I think that I just watched the show, and I
Speaker 2: think I had a podcast about it.
Speaker 1: So I would suggest watching that show, because, yeah, you're right,
Speaker 1: there are like different things and maybe like you'll, something
Speaker 1: will like ign night spark and interest in you.
Speaker 2: But also here's my question for you, are you content
Speaker 2: with just being content? In your relationship.
Speaker 3: Here's a quote on this, and I'm curious that's your
Speaker 3: thoughts about this quote because it is widely shared. It's
Speaker 3: okay to head out for wonderful, but when you get
Speaker 3: to all right, stop and look around, because this might
Speaker 3: be as far as you need to go. Okay, all right, Well.
Speaker 2: I think we should strive for more than all right.
Speaker 2: But I think in your relationship with everything else is great.
Speaker 2: And this is a path that y'all haven't even gone
Speaker 2: down in terms of discussing what you like. I think
Speaker 2: you start with that and see if you can get
Speaker 2: that craving and chemistry with him.
Speaker 3: And also I think that over time in a relationship,
Speaker 3: these things can blossom in terms of knowing each other better. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and then you're gonna look forward or do it more
Speaker 3: because you have that deeper connection that it is formed.
Speaker 2: Well, that was the whole series that Goop did. It
Speaker 2: was basically these couples that were in this like stagnant
Speaker 2: place in their relationship.
Speaker 1: The like did like tantric sex stuff.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you guys did interview Jaya Sexologist from Sex Love
Speaker 4: and Goop on Netflix.
Speaker 3: Both of you talked to.
Speaker 4: This was November one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I knew it year great year, Yeah, but spiraling scrubber.
Speaker 2: Start there and then look into your relationship and say,
Speaker 2: am I just comfortable or is this a person I
Speaker 2: want to spend my life with? Do you get tingles
Speaker 2: in other places in your relationship out of sex? Like
Speaker 2: do you get excited to go do things together? Do
Speaker 2: you excited to do little things like having a routine
Speaker 2: where you make dinner together or watch TV show?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Does is there anything in the relationship that excites you
Speaker 2: outside of sex? Because if the answer is no, then
Speaker 2: I think you you are ready. You should seek wonderful
Speaker 2: instead of all right, But if you have other areas
Speaker 2: where you're like, I am so excited about this part
Speaker 2: of our relationship, then this is something I think you
Speaker 2: work on and nurture.
Speaker 3: Yes, there we go. All right, great, Elle, says Hi Easton, Tanya, Mark,
Speaker 3: and Becca, my best friend introduced me to y'all when
Speaker 3: Tanya first started coming on the podcast. I'd love to
Speaker 3: getting to know each of you and appreciate each of
Speaker 3: you showing up for us each week. I just found
Speaker 3: out I'm pregnant for the first time, and yesterday my
Speaker 3: doctor told me it's twins. My husband and I instantly
Speaker 3: started laughing out of shock really, but also because we
Speaker 3: always said it was real possibility because they run on
Speaker 3: both sides of our families, so of course it happened
Speaker 3: to us. We are ecstatic but still in shock. Both
Speaker 3: of our families live across the country. We want fun
Speaker 3: ways to share it with them. How would you share
Speaker 3: this news or how would you want to be told? Mark?
Speaker 3: We may not have the time to tell them in
Speaker 3: person before I start to actually show litt alone. Wanted
Speaker 3: to get this secret out there to them. Ps, Tanya,
Speaker 3: watch out. I may take the twin names Yo and
Speaker 3: y'ah love you guys.
Speaker 1: Might I suggest a different name? Tanya and Becca are
Speaker 1: really good girl names.
Speaker 2: Ya ya Tanya yah yah.
Speaker 1: And Cocabecca and yeah yeah, how to tell them as anything?
Speaker 1: Jumping out?
Speaker 2: What if you had twins deliver things to everybody? Like
Speaker 2: a set of twins deliver flowers?
Speaker 1: What I was thinking, like, do you have a dog
Speaker 1: that can wear a shirt like I'm having sibling twins?
Speaker 3: They live across the country.
Speaker 1: Send a photo.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 3: For some reason. My TikTok feed right now is a
Speaker 3: lot of this. It's a lot of telling my parents
Speaker 3: I'm pregnant and wow, yeah, and it always makes me cry.
Speaker 3: So I think it doesn't really matter. A lot of
Speaker 3: the ones I see are them just kind of casually
Speaker 3: working it into conversation, like and man with the baby.
Speaker 3: Next year, we're gonna they're like, yeah, yeah, wait what
Speaker 3: And that's always really a nice moment where you kind
Speaker 3: of casually throw it into conversation and everyone has to
Speaker 3: figure out what you just said. That's nice. Also, it
Speaker 3: doesn't matter as the day at as the grandpa one day,
Speaker 3: it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go, yes, I know what you can do. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: you can send them all to get the sonograms and
Speaker 1: print off a bunch of them and put them in
Speaker 1: an envelope and send it to all your family that's
Speaker 1: across the country and say I'm sending you a letter.
Speaker 1: Please FaceTime me when you get it. That's cue, so
Speaker 1: they FaceTime you say open, don't open it until you
Speaker 1: FaceTime me. So you FaceTime it so you can record
Speaker 1: the FaceTime and then you can say, okay, open it,
Speaker 1: and then you can get their reaction on video.
Speaker 2: Oh this is a I don't hate this, and I
Speaker 2: have something to add to it. Add to a baby
Speaker 2: what if on the FaceTime you go, what do you
Speaker 2: think it's gonna be? Because that's the whole thing, like
Speaker 2: do you think it's a boy or girl? And then
Speaker 2: they say, oh, I think it's gonna be a boy,
Speaker 2: and and then you go, what about the other one?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: God? Yeah, in the sonogram you'll see that there's two
Speaker 1: in there. Don't want you?
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know if people don't know, if
Speaker 2: they don't immediately study it, it's not easy. I mean
Speaker 2: I don't think that early on, don't they might if
Speaker 2: they have like the baby one, maybe two, or you
Speaker 2: could just call and tell them you're pregnant and then
Speaker 2: do the what do you think it is? And then
Speaker 2: they're like oh, and then you're like, what about the
Speaker 2: other one? What about the second one?
Speaker 3: I remember what did on our show? She said, I
Speaker 3: went in and then and we heard the heartbeat for
Speaker 3: the first time. Yeah, and then we heard the other heartbeat.
Speaker 3: And that's.
Speaker 1: Because I knew she was pregnant, but I didn't know
Speaker 1: she was having twins.
Speaker 4: Wow.
Speaker 2: You know, and friends when Monica and Chandler's uh, when
Speaker 2: they're adopting the babies and it's Anna Faris and she
Speaker 2: goes the second, Uh, you don't have much time before
Speaker 2: the second one? And they so much time before or what?
Speaker 2: And she goes the doctor said two heartbeats. I thought
Speaker 2: he was talking about me and the baby. I love that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, classic classic.
Speaker 3: Hannah has a question.
Speaker 2: Hi, congrats l L Y so exciting two.
Speaker 3: Babies, yo and y'all yoing y'all, Hannah says, Hi, backa Tanya,
Speaker 3: Mark and East. Then, first off, thank you so much
Speaker 3: for the joy, the laughs, and the friendship you share
Speaker 3: through the podcast. Every week. My best friend and I
Speaker 3: listen to every episode and discuss them as if we're
Speaker 3: sitting across the table from you, guys and chatting with
Speaker 3: our closest friends. So small. I'm in my early thirties
Speaker 3: and I'm dating with the intention of getting married. I
Speaker 3: recently decided I want to wait until I'm in a
Speaker 3: relationship to be intimate with someone. In the past, I've
Speaker 3: been intimate with guys I was dating early on because
Speaker 3: I felt like that was what they wanted and what
Speaker 3: was expected, and when it ended, I felt hurt and
Speaker 3: wished I hadn't done something I wasn't ready for. Recently,
Speaker 3: I tried communicating my new boundary to a guy I
Speaker 3: had just started dating. After that, he ended things with
Speaker 3: me because he said it was important to him to
Speaker 3: have a strong physical connection with someone before getting into
Speaker 3: a relationship. I don't necessarily think this guy's my guy,
Speaker 3: but I'm struggling with how to navigate dating intentionally and
Speaker 3: respect my boundaries while also feeling like I'm constantly acting
Speaker 3: as this gatekeeper of physical intimacy with guys. Would love
Speaker 3: to hear your advice. Love you, and thank you for
Speaker 3: all you do.
Speaker 1: I mean, I literally did this you did for four
Speaker 1: years when I was dating, and I think that you don't.
Speaker 1: I think that you can still be physical and intimate
Speaker 1: with somebody without having sex with them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that's a personal like she might not want to,
Speaker 2: Like she might just want to kiss or something and
Speaker 2: then that be it, because that might still feel like
Speaker 2: giving a part of herself.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 1: But I'm still I still think that you can be
Speaker 1: physical and intimate and just be like kissing somebody. I
Speaker 1: still I think you can have an very intimate like
Speaker 1: kissing session. Was that what you call it?
Speaker 2: Makeuh?
Speaker 1: Yeah, like a little touching and like can't like I
Speaker 1: just feel like that it doesn't need to be like,
Speaker 1: there doesn't need to just be nothing physical until there is,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? I just like there's
Speaker 1: a lot of gray area.
Speaker 2: Well regardless of where her limits are. How did you
Speaker 2: handle it in terms of telling guys and navigating that
Speaker 2: part of what you were the boundary you were setting.
Speaker 1: I literally never set it as like any sort of stepback.
Speaker 1: Like I was just like, oh, like And it's hard
Speaker 1: to say because it kind of comes up naturally, like
Speaker 1: in conversation when you're like talking about these types of things,
Speaker 1: but I would I remember specifically, it did turn off
Speaker 1: a couple guys, Like I feel like a couple guys.
Speaker 1: One guy never called me back after I said it
Speaker 1: to him, but I was just kind of like whatever, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was not like no skin off my back.
Speaker 2: I think the thing is you're doing something that's not typical.
Speaker 2: So the guy that you find that's going to be
Speaker 2: your guy isn't going to be a typical guy.
Speaker 3: It's kind of a litmus test, isn't it. Like if
Speaker 3: you said that to a guy and he heads for
Speaker 3: the hills, it's not.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, I think you're you're set up for
Speaker 2: success when you communicate your boundary because anyone who leaves
Speaker 2: wasn't worth your time anyway.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think, like it's funny because I remember
Speaker 1: I said it. I remember I told Robbing on our
Speaker 1: first date about my sex thing. And I think it
Speaker 1: was our second date, our second date.
Speaker 3: Was can I tell you about my sex thing? Scary
Speaker 3: for him?
Speaker 1: I think it was our second date or third day.
Speaker 1: It was one of our early dates, and I had
Speaker 1: him come. He like came into my apartment and we
Speaker 1: like had like this like makeout session on my couch
Speaker 1: and he I remember him saying that, like he was
Speaker 1: like totally thrown off because it was like so like
Speaker 1: intimate and like sexual, but like he just wasn't because
Speaker 1: of what I had shared. He just wasn't expecting it,
Speaker 1: you know. And so I think that I don't know,
Speaker 1: I just feel like the wrong guys are going to
Speaker 1: be turned off. And that is what it is. Like
Speaker 1: you're just gonna you're gonna come in contact with There's
Speaker 1: gonna be many There were many guys that didn't want
Speaker 1: anything to do with me after they found that out,
Speaker 1: And it.
Speaker 2: Might be that they have a reaction in terms of like, oh,
Speaker 2: I wasn't expecting that which is okay. I just think
Speaker 2: if they're not willing to respect it or want to
Speaker 2: date you with that boundary, then good riddance.
Speaker 1: And you're going to find plenty that do I promise?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, my wife told me something similar we're first dating,
Speaker 3: and the fact that I didn't run, I think was
Speaker 3: a sign that I'm, yeah, I worth investing some time in.
Speaker 4: This might be a weird comparison, but I was thinking
Speaker 4: about how was it van Halen that would ask for
Speaker 4: the brown m and ms. They would ask in their
Speaker 4: tour writer. They'd be in the dressing room, we want
Speaker 4: only brown eminem's. And it wasn't like to be divas.
Speaker 4: It was like, if they're if they get that detail right,
Speaker 4: that means they're reading the whole contract, and that means
Speaker 4: that we can trust that, like everything's going to be
Speaker 4: safe and like done the right way. If they screw
Speaker 4: up that detail, who knows what else they're going to
Speaker 4: screw up. And I think that when you maybe I'm
Speaker 4: off here, but I think when.
Speaker 1: You make like it's like a weird comparison.
Speaker 4: And stay with me saying I think that if you say, like,
Speaker 4: this is something that's important to me, and they run
Speaker 4: for the hills, like, oh, who knows what else they
Speaker 4: would have not respected?
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I think that's a great comparison. You look
Speaker 2: for your brown Eminem's right, that's right.
Speaker 1: Okay, there's more.
Speaker 2: We have a did I self sabotage?
Speaker 3: Sabotage.
Speaker 2: We're going to take a break first, all right, this
Speaker 2: is this is a sad title because I I'm already
Speaker 2: anticipating something unfortunate.
Speaker 3: Well, it's anonymous, she says. Hi, Tanya, Becka Easton, and Mark.
Speaker 3: I'm a Day one listener and I love you all
Speaker 3: in your perspective so much. I'm a Tanya through and through,
Speaker 3: So keep that in mind for this doozy of an email. Recently,
Speaker 3: I started dating a guy. He seemed like an answered prayer.
Speaker 3: He checked off so many boxes. He's thirty five, twenty nine.
Speaker 3: I've never been in a relationship, only talking in situationships.
Speaker 3: He had gotten out of a relationship two years ago
Speaker 3: and mentioned that it didn't end well, so I think
Speaker 3: he was a bit gunshy for a relationship. We were
Speaker 3: dating for two months, one on eight dates, but his
Speaker 3: texting was awful. It would take him days to respond
Speaker 3: to me. He went away in vacation for a week.
Speaker 3: From midweek. I asked how it was going, and he
Speaker 3: didn't respond till he was back, which I understood, but
Speaker 3: we were texting for the next few days. He sent
Speaker 3: me some photos from the vacation, et cetera, so I
Speaker 3: playfully asked when he wanted to see me again, and crickets.
Speaker 3: At this point, I was just annoyed by the consistent
Speaker 3: inconsistency for two months, so I tended to tech. I
Speaker 3: said the text basically saying I like spending time with you,
Speaker 3: but not being respond to you for days doesn't feel
Speaker 3: great for me. I want something serious. If you don't,
Speaker 3: that's fine, but if so, let's figure out what works
Speaker 3: for us. Maybe he really hates texting, so I was
Speaker 3: trying to find a solution. I got nothing, no response, ghosted.
Speaker 3: I thought maybe he thought I was so I said
Speaker 3: to one line text saying that was not meant to
Speaker 3: be ending things. Just wanted to have a conversation about expectations.
Speaker 3: So if that came off differently, it wasn't my intent.
Speaker 3: My question is should I have not said anything? Did
Speaker 3: I self sabotage? Do I have to play hard to
Speaker 3: get to find someone to love?
Speaker 4: Me.
Speaker 3: I'm a lover girl, and I want to show the
Speaker 3: people that I care about them, and I want that
Speaker 3: to be reciprocated. I'm just exhausted. Do I have to
Speaker 3: change who I am to get a guy to chase me?
Speaker 3: Thank you for reading my email. I value your opinions
Speaker 3: and I love you all for being you and the
Speaker 3: community that you've built.
Speaker 2: I could just be I could just multiple texts clarifying things.
Speaker 2: Isn't this isn't your guy? Nope, here's the thing. Do
Speaker 2: you have to play hard to get? No? I don't
Speaker 2: think that's the case. But I also remember, specifically, like
Speaker 2: when Tanya and Robbie were dating, when he was still
Speaker 2: kind of they were not.
Speaker 1: Hard to get with him. Whatever you do, I'm like, here,
Speaker 1: I am on a silver platter.
Speaker 2: I know, and you did, but he didn't. He wasn't
Speaker 2: immediately like trying to lock you down to be his
Speaker 2: girlfriend until you went on another date and opened yourself
Speaker 2: up to exploring other options. Yes, And I think that
Speaker 2: that kind of falls into the category of hard to
Speaker 2: get because you're basically saying I'm not just even though
Speaker 2: you were, I'm not just here for you to make
Speaker 2: your decision, like I'm gonna I'm not gonna sit here
Speaker 2: and wait for you to want to lock me down.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go and and explore other options, even though
Speaker 2: you were very locked in on Robbie.
Speaker 1: Yeah. But I was also very transparent about it. I
Speaker 1: wasn't like playing games. I wasn't like no, no, no.
Speaker 1: I was very upfront with him. I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: if you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship,
Speaker 1: that's fine, I'm gonna start dating other people. And I did.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I hated it. My advice to you, Anonymous,
Speaker 2: is this is not your guy. He doesn't seem mature
Speaker 2: enough to even have a conversation with you, which is
Speaker 2: so rude beyond like, sure, maybe your multiple texts freaked
Speaker 2: him out a little bit, like let's just be on
Speaker 2: as it could have very well been that, but also
Speaker 2: he owes you a conversation, and this is not your guy,
Speaker 2: because your guy, even if he was freaked out, he'd
Speaker 2: be like hey, sorry, Like I got a little overwhelmed
Speaker 2: by the text, but I wanted to take a few
Speaker 2: days to think about it.
Speaker 1: I believe you cannot say the wrong thing to the
Speaker 1: right person. I believe it.
Speaker 2: Sorry, No, that's what I'm saying. I think that if
Speaker 2: this was her guy, he wouldn't have just ghosted her.
Speaker 1: I had so much verbal diarrhea in the early days
Speaker 1: with every guy that I dated. There was no holding
Speaker 1: me back.
Speaker 2: Well, Sierra was kind of texting for you, so we
Speaker 2: hooked Robbie through Sierra's game.
Speaker 1: Okay, fair, but I took over it in person. At
Speaker 1: some point you did. I don't know how far you had.
Speaker 2: To get help.
Speaker 3: You was at the table behind you whispering things to
Speaker 3: say to him, if.
Speaker 2: I recall right, and that would be so sad anonymous.
Speaker 2: You deserve someone who can have a conversation and ease
Speaker 2: your anxiety and anxiousness. I guess that's anxiety around this situation.
Speaker 2: You deserve someone who is upfront with you and can
Speaker 2: be direct and also wants to talk to you and
Speaker 2: wants to hear from you, and this guy is not it.
Speaker 3: I agree, when you find the right guy, it will
Speaker 3: be easy.
Speaker 2: And d Yeah.
Speaker 3: Hi Beg a tiny Eastern and Mark, my best friend
Speaker 3: of eighteen years, who considered more like a sister, has
Speaker 3: been married for seven years as two sweet little girls
Speaker 3: with her husband. Last summer, he found out that she
Speaker 3: had been talking to her ex boyfriend for a little while,
Speaker 3: nothing ever happened. They live in separate countries, but they
Speaker 3: were texting and calling. Her husband found out that I
Speaker 3: knew she was talking to him, and now refuses to
Speaker 3: let her hang out with me, and it's a fight
Speaker 3: every time she wants to. My best friend and I
Speaker 3: have hung out a couple times since then, but she's
Speaker 3: explained to me he does not want her to be
Speaker 3: friends with me or want me around their daughters. I
Speaker 3: ask every couple of months to get dinner or a
Speaker 3: drink for this, I was an excuse not to. I've
Speaker 3: always liked him, We've gotten along. We'd have double dates
Speaker 3: and game nights with my boyfriend tagging along. I've always
Speaker 3: asked my best friend to ask him if he would
Speaker 3: chat with me directly, but he says no. He thinks
Speaker 3: I should have told him about the X when I
Speaker 3: found out, and maybe I should have, But my loyalty
Speaker 3: is to my best friend. I miss her and the
Speaker 3: girl so much and can't imagine going through life without them.
Speaker 3: Should I reach out to him directly? Should I keep
Speaker 3: reaching out to her? What do I do? Thank you
Speaker 3: for bringing so much joy? Love? And laughter too. My
Speaker 3: life every week. I love you guys in this podcast
Speaker 3: so much.
Speaker 2: Oh. I was gonna say she should have a conversation
Speaker 2: with him, but he doesn't want to.
Speaker 1: But that's all you can do, I think your I
Speaker 1: think all you can do is reach out to him
Speaker 1: and keep reaching out to him, and that's like the
Speaker 1: best that you can do. I don't think she can
Speaker 1: keep going through her best friend. Clearly he doesn't want
Speaker 1: to hear it that if.
Speaker 2: He won't talk to I think she should reach out
Speaker 2: to him and see and be like, can we please talk?
Speaker 2: Like I want to have a conversation with you, and
Speaker 2: you know it be like a direct conversation. And if
Speaker 2: he doesn't respond, I think you should. I would send
Speaker 2: a text and just like say what I would need
Speaker 2: to say, because that would drive me so crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, or send him an email an email apologize for.
Speaker 2: Like yeah, like yeah, maybe or whatever put me in
Speaker 2: a bad spot, but my loyalty is to her.
Speaker 1: Like I'll regret it forever, like I don't know whatever,
Speaker 1: or just like apologize and say I really miss your
Speaker 1: girls and like whatever. Yeah, like I but you can't ford.
Speaker 1: I mean, he's clearly hurting and I think time heals.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's hurting and might not know how to handle
Speaker 2: it in the most productive or mature way. But I
Speaker 2: think that you have a chance to at least send
Speaker 2: something that shares your side.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's an interestingynamic I've seen in relationships over the years.
Speaker 3: When a partner feels betrayed by their partner, it's hard
Speaker 3: for them to put all of that on the partner
Speaker 3: because they have to continue this marriage relationship, and so
Speaker 3: they find someone else to be the scapegoat. Yeah, and
Speaker 3: so he's putting all of this feeling of her. I
Speaker 3: don't know if she betrayed her or what he feels betrayed.
Speaker 3: He's putting all of that in the best friend who
Speaker 3: really had very little to do with it, but knew
Speaker 3: about it. So she has become the face of this
Speaker 3: issue in their marriage. And I don't know that he's
Speaker 3: going to get past that. But how many times have
Speaker 3: you seen that, Like a guy cheats and the wife
Speaker 3: forgives the husband, but she's never going to forgive that
Speaker 3: woman that he's slept with, that monster, you know. But
Speaker 3: they were equally responsible, obviously, But that happens. It's like
Speaker 3: a coping mechanism if this marriage is going to continue,
Speaker 3: I have to forgive her, so I got to move
Speaker 3: that to someone else. So, I mean it's kind of sad.
Speaker 3: I don't know how you get past it.
Speaker 1: You just got to keep trying keep chip chip chipping away.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it might not it might not ever
Speaker 2: be at a place that you wanted to be at.
Speaker 2: But I think if you can just like apologize to
Speaker 2: him and get it on out, whether it's in a
Speaker 2: conversation or email or whatever, I think that's that will
Speaker 2: be as much as you can do about the situation.
Speaker 3: Sorry, that sucks, all right. We have one more and
Speaker 3: it's about a mother in law issue, and those are
Speaker 3: those are fraught. The wife mother in law relationship is
Speaker 3: fascinating and we'll get to that next.
Speaker 2: In law drama. In law drama, I'm coming.
Speaker 3: Dear Becca, Tanya Mark and Easton. I met my husband
Speaker 3: in college in the Midwest over ten years ago. We've
Speaker 3: been married for six years, two young children, three and one.
Speaker 3: We moved to my home on the Ghost in twenty seventeen.
Speaker 3: My husband and I've been arguing a lot later about
Speaker 3: visiting his home more often. Here's the situation. Our children
Speaker 3: are both very young flying is expensive, and his mother
Speaker 3: and I do not get along. She's caused a lot
Speaker 3: of hurt and anxiety. She's very opinionated, and ever since
Speaker 3: we've had children, we just don't do well around each other.
Speaker 3: It's gotten so bad with her that I told my
Speaker 3: husband she can no longer stay with us when she visits.
Speaker 3: We live in a small apartment. Her negative energy takes
Speaker 3: up so much space in this home. Now she won't
Speaker 3: fly out here because she wants to stay with us. Financially,
Speaker 3: she can't afford it. My issue is not flying out
Speaker 3: to visit his family. My issue is how long my
Speaker 3: husband wants to go. He said a minimum of two weeks.
Speaker 3: I don't have the kind of vacation time I've been
Speaker 3: going for that long with young kids. It's fair to
Speaker 3: them and their schedules either. I've encouraged him to take
Speaker 3: as long as he wants out there. That makes him happy,
Speaker 3: but he says he doesn't want to go without all
Speaker 3: of us. Please help, love, love, love you all start
Speaker 3: listening in twenty twenty. Thank you for all you do
Speaker 3: for creating such an amazing scrubbing in community.
Speaker 2: Hmmm, that's so hard.
Speaker 3: It is hard because that's the compromise, and we've done
Speaker 3: that in my marriage. I don't have three weeks off.
Speaker 3: But you want to go see every cousin, every nuncle. Great,
Speaker 3: you go, bring the kids first week, I'll join you
Speaker 3: after a couple of weeks. That's the compromise. He goes
Speaker 3: by himself for a week and then you join him, yeah,
Speaker 3: or whatever. So the fact that he's so digging in
Speaker 3: his heels over this, I don't know what you mean.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I also feel like she's digging in her
Speaker 1: heels over the fact that, like she doesn't get along
Speaker 1: with the mother in law, she doesn't want to two.
Speaker 3: Weeks if she doesn't have the vacation time.
Speaker 1: No, I know, I agree, but I feel like she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to go at all.
Speaker 2: I think I think the compromise is he goes like
Speaker 2: you do, Mark. I think it's he goes spends time
Speaker 2: with them, it takes the kids. If he wants to
Speaker 2: take that one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he probably doesn't want to.
Speaker 2: She can give him that option.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And then so when she has for the amount of
Speaker 2: vacation time she has, she can file to meet them.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I also think too, like this is even though
Speaker 1: you don't get along like this is his mom, she
Speaker 1: is your mother, and married it to this family forever,
Speaker 1: And I think you have to, Like what I've realized
Speaker 1: is you have people are gonna be like, take people
Speaker 1: as they are. People are going to be the way
Speaker 1: that they are. You have to just accept it and
Speaker 1: not let it affect you. That's like the whole trick
Speaker 1: of life, is what I'm realizing, is like people are
Speaker 1: going to be how they are. You just can't let
Speaker 1: it affect and impact you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but there's people in your life who act a
Speaker 2: certain way and it affects you. What do you mean,
Speaker 2: like if you're around them, like their energy affects you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but this is this is this is his her,
Speaker 1: this is her husband's mother.
Speaker 2: I know, but it's and it sucks that it that
Speaker 2: this is the relationship. But it's it's easy to just like,
Speaker 2: don't let it affect you, but it it clearly does.
Speaker 2: Like if you're going and staying in someone's house and
Speaker 2: you were just like butting heads with them the whole time,
Speaker 2: and like everything you told the kids to do or
Speaker 2: they challenged you on it or whatever it was, would
Speaker 2: I have you crazy? But I agree? I mean, you
Speaker 2: married into his family and that's like when you get married.
Speaker 2: That's that's part of it. Yeah, and I think that
Speaker 2: whether it's like y'all get a hotel and and so
Speaker 2: you have a little separation from it of like you're
Speaker 2: making the effort to go visit, but you know that's
Speaker 2: more money and it might cause drama. But it seems
Speaker 2: like the drama's already there. Like if she can't stay
Speaker 2: at the house when she comes to visit, I don't
Speaker 2: think her staying in a hotel would be like a
Speaker 2: breaking point.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you do have to suck it up as far
Speaker 3: as the bomb goes. I mean, I get her not
Speaker 3: staying with you. I mean that's a lot, but that's
Speaker 3: also a tough thing to bring up.
Speaker 1: Yeahad to see you.
Speaker 2: Like, it's kind of like if you've got through that hump,
Speaker 2: then you should be able to go and just book
Speaker 2: a hotel and stay.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, friction disconnect here. Yeah, So man, matter.
Speaker 1: Like babysit the kids, like you go take time.
Speaker 2: Some point if you're feeling brave, have a conversation about
Speaker 2: the tension and why it's there and what you can do.
Speaker 1: Because you're both a relationship better, you're both gonna be
Speaker 1: with each other forever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's like have a conversation of like, what
Speaker 2: can I do to to make this better?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I agree, but good.
Speaker 2: Luck anonymous thinking of you. That's very hard.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: If y'all ever have any emails, advice success that you
Speaker 2: want to share with us, dms on Instagram at scrubbing
Speaker 2: in pot or email us at scrubbing in at iHeartMedia
Speaker 2: dot com. We love hearing from you. We love our
Speaker 2: Dear Bonnie episodes.
Speaker 1: Ask us anything anything, and if.
Speaker 2: Like even if you're just telling us something that you
Speaker 2: like want to be celebrated for and you need some
Speaker 2: like celebrated words, come to us. Yeah, celebrate you.
Speaker 3: You just got out of a toxic relationship. You finally
Speaker 3: got up the nerve to just end it.
Speaker 2: Good for you that tell us about it. Yeah, we
Speaker 2: love you so much. Have a wonderful weekend. To be
Speaker 2: continuous