WEBVTT - Dear Banya: Spiraling Scrubbers

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<v Speaker 1>Scrubbing in with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio

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<v Speaker 1>and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast That's right.

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<v Speaker 2>We are hello, everybody. We are scrubbing it.

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<v Speaker 1>Rub a dub dub and the tub dub tum.

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<v Speaker 2>How to ring to it? That sound? How you doing?

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<v Speaker 1>Dan good? Hiding?

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<v Speaker 2>Dan good? Dan good good?

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<v Speaker 1>How long is Haley out a town for for the

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<v Speaker 1>whole week?

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<v Speaker 2>Two weeks?

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<v Speaker 3>Whoa?

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<v Speaker 2>Everyone hush follows over the room. I'm good.

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<v Speaker 3>Are you better with that? Better? Okay?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm better?

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<v Speaker 3>Good?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I'm better. I'm healthier, mentally stronger, mentally right and

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<v Speaker 2>also sad.

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<v Speaker 3>It's kind of sad, but I feel like the deeper

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<v Speaker 3>you get in your relationship, the more you're like, oh,

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<v Speaker 3>I kind of don't mind the freedom of this.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh no, I hate her being gone. That's like, I

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<v Speaker 2>hate it. It takes me a few days to like

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<v Speaker 2>adjust to sleeping and like, I just I love our

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<v Speaker 2>I love doing stuff like everything with her, and so

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<v Speaker 2>I think like having dinner together and going to bed

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<v Speaker 2>and having our show. You know, it's just like that.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, the nighttime routine is like sad, like and he's gone,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, this is sad, although I have.

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<v Speaker 2>To say I have like the hardest time getting out

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<v Speaker 2>of bed and being productive if she's in bed next

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<v Speaker 2>to me. So like I'm way more productive in terms

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<v Speaker 2>of doing stuff, which is nice.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh that is nice because like.

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<v Speaker 2>When I just want to be like sitting next to

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<v Speaker 2>her if she's there.

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<v Speaker 1>I like literally wept tears when I left, probably to

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<v Speaker 1>go to New York, like actual tears.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, yeah, that was right, yo, it just got very.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah I do that was a part of it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>But like I keep telling him, I'm like, I know

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<v Speaker 1>the newlywed phase ends, because it's literally called like the

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<v Speaker 1>newlywed phase, but like I don't want it to end,

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<v Speaker 1>Like how do we preserve this?

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<v Speaker 2>Just get married every year?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, or celebrate every month like or every month. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to lose it.

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<v Speaker 2>Just never stop celebrating being in love.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I did a lot of really sweet dms.

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<v Speaker 1>I posted that something about like being newly wet and

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<v Speaker 1>I never want to like lose this feeling. And I

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<v Speaker 1>got a lot of dams from people who've been married

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<v Speaker 1>for like twenty years plus saying like they still feel

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<v Speaker 1>that same way about their husband, And I'm like Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>so some people still can have it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I think. I think. I mean, you put in

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<v Speaker 2>the effort, you reap what you so mm hmm. The

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<v Speaker 2>grass is green where you water water it.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>So anyways, shall we get into some deer bonio questions?

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<v Speaker 2>Was enough four play for you?

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<v Speaker 1>It wasn't quite the amount of four play that I

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<v Speaker 1>usually like, but it's fine for today.

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<v Speaker 3>This is from a spiral thing scrubber. By the way,

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<v Speaker 3>I like that if you don't want to give us

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<v Speaker 3>your name, rather than just be anonymous, do something cute

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<v Speaker 3>with it, you know.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, well I hate that she's spiraling, but yeah

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<v Speaker 2>that's true.

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<v Speaker 3>But you know, come up with some alliterative signtu.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I like it too.

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<v Speaker 3>Harod and hopeless. All right. This is from a spiral

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<v Speaker 3>link scrubber. I have been with my boyfriend five years.

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<v Speaker 3>He's thirty one. I'll be thirty three in June. I

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<v Speaker 3>love him, I love our life together. We're figuring out

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<v Speaker 3>next steps as far as our future together. One thing

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<v Speaker 3>for me is I don't always feel our sexual chemistry.

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<v Speaker 3>It's something I've stressed about throughout a relationship and have

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<v Speaker 3>tried not to overthink it. Don't get me wrong. We

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<v Speaker 3>are into it regularly, but I don't often crave him

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<v Speaker 3>or have vagina tingles, and can't say I had them

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<v Speaker 3>even early on in our relationship. Listening to your recent

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<v Speaker 3>dear binding episode of hearing about the almond milk versus

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<v Speaker 3>froyo with toppings sparks some anxiety. By the way, that

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<v Speaker 3>was really funny. I watched the Instagram for that and

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<v Speaker 3>left all over again. Should I be worried they don't

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<v Speaker 3>have those vagina singles? Am I with the wrong person?

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<v Speaker 3>Or can it be normal to just be content with

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<v Speaker 3>less sexual chemistry? Sincerely, a spiral link scrubber.

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<v Speaker 2>Hmmm, you know what's interesting. It's totally fine to be

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<v Speaker 2>content if that's a you want. I always saw I

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<v Speaker 2>can be content like in my life before I met Haley,

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<v Speaker 2>I thought like, I can be happy and I can

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<v Speaker 2>feel content. But I now that I've had something more,

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<v Speaker 2>I realize how much more fulfilling it is to not

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<v Speaker 2>just be content with the person I'm with. I'm curious

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<v Speaker 2>about your thoughts on this, because you're very Before Robbie,

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<v Speaker 2>you were very much like vagina tingles.

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<v Speaker 1>However, kind of no. I was never about no vagina tingles.

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<v Speaker 1>Are always a priority.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I don't know that you prioritize them before Robbie.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I think that vagina tingles can grow over time.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think you just have instant vagina tingles all

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<v Speaker 1>the time. M hm. However, I did have those with

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<v Speaker 1>Robbie right away. But I'm saying if it doesn't happen

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<v Speaker 1>right away doesn't mean that they're never gonna come. But

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<v Speaker 1>I do think they're important. You're sick.

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<v Speaker 2>I was sick, but they've been together during my five years.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's not coming, not coming after five years.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't think you don't think they can develop after

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<v Speaker 2>five years.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I think they can develop after a couple of months.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but do you think that it's something because you

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<v Speaker 2>know how I've referenced this episode before and everyone acted

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<v Speaker 2>like I was crazy. But we had like a sex

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<v Speaker 2>therapist on and it was over Zoom and she we

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<v Speaker 2>talked about how people have different sex languages or whatever

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<v Speaker 2>sex preference.

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<v Speaker 1>Episode seemed to escaping me.

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<v Speaker 2>I know, maybe I did it alone.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 2>Anyways, it is basically saying how people have different preferences,

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<v Speaker 2>like some people like like it very like straightforward and gentle,

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<v Speaker 2>and romantic. Some people have like kinks and like have things,

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<v Speaker 2>and if you're not catering to those things or feel like,

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<v Speaker 2>say enough to express those things, then you're not getting

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<v Speaker 2>what you want in a in a sexual capacity, right,

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<v Speaker 2>And so maybe something.

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<v Speaker 1>Is joy sixty nine. Some people don't.

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<v Speaker 2>Simply put yes.

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<v Speaker 4>It's a fantastic example time.

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<v Speaker 2>Simply put yes.

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<v Speaker 1>But maybe she does and he's not giving her that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Or maybe y'all haven't even had that conversation about

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<v Speaker 2>what you like in a very open and honest way,

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<v Speaker 2>because it's very vulnerable to share like the things that

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<v Speaker 2>you like and prefer if it's different from your partners.

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<v Speaker 2>But if you haven't had that conversation, I would look

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<v Speaker 2>into into having that and seeing if the tingles can develop.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, there's this show, what's it called Goop? It was

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<v Speaker 1>like some sort of Gwyneth Paltrow show.

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<v Speaker 2>I think that I just watched the show, and I

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<v Speaker 2>think I had a podcast about it.

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<v Speaker 1>So I would suggest watching that show, because, yeah, you're right,

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<v Speaker 1>there are like different things and maybe like you'll, something

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<v Speaker 1>will like ign night spark and interest in you.

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<v Speaker 2>But also here's my question for you, are you content

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<v Speaker 2>with just being content? In your relationship.

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<v Speaker 3>Here's a quote on this, and I'm curious that's your

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<v Speaker 3>thoughts about this quote because it is widely shared. It's

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<v Speaker 3>okay to head out for wonderful, but when you get

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<v Speaker 3>to all right, stop and look around, because this might

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<v Speaker 3>be as far as you need to go. Okay, all right, Well.

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<v Speaker 2>I think we should strive for more than all right.

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<v Speaker 2>But I think in your relationship with everything else is great.

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<v Speaker 2>And this is a path that y'all haven't even gone

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<v Speaker 2>down in terms of discussing what you like. I think

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<v Speaker 2>you start with that and see if you can get

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<v Speaker 2>that craving and chemistry with him.

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<v Speaker 3>And also I think that over time in a relationship,

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<v Speaker 3>these things can blossom in terms of knowing each other better. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>and then you're gonna look forward or do it more

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<v Speaker 3>because you have that deeper connection that it is formed.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, that was the whole series that Goop did. It

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<v Speaker 2>was basically these couples that were in this like stagnant

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<v Speaker 2>place in their relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>The like did like tantric sex stuff.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, you guys did interview Jaya Sexologist from Sex Love

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<v Speaker 4>and Goop on Netflix.

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<v Speaker 3>Both of you talked to.

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<v Speaker 4>This was November one.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I knew it year great year, Yeah, but spiraling scrubber.

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<v Speaker 2>Start there and then look into your relationship and say,

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<v Speaker 2>am I just comfortable or is this a person I

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<v Speaker 2>want to spend my life with? Do you get tingles

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<v Speaker 2>in other places in your relationship out of sex? Like

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<v Speaker 2>do you get excited to go do things together? Do

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<v Speaker 2>you excited to do little things like having a routine

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<v Speaker 2>where you make dinner together or watch TV show?

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<v Speaker 1>Like?

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<v Speaker 2>Does is there anything in the relationship that excites you

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<v Speaker 2>outside of sex? Because if the answer is no, then

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<v Speaker 2>I think you you are ready. You should seek wonderful

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<v Speaker 2>instead of all right, But if you have other areas

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<v Speaker 2>where you're like, I am so excited about this part

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<v Speaker 2>of our relationship, then this is something I think you

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<v Speaker 2>work on and nurture.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, there we go. All right, great, Elle, says Hi Easton, Tanya, Mark,

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<v Speaker 3>and Becca, my best friend introduced me to y'all when

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<v Speaker 3>Tanya first started coming on the podcast. I'd love to

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<v Speaker 3>getting to know each of you and appreciate each of

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<v Speaker 3>you showing up for us each week. I just found

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<v Speaker 3>out I'm pregnant for the first time, and yesterday my

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<v Speaker 3>doctor told me it's twins. My husband and I instantly

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<v Speaker 3>started laughing out of shock really, but also because we

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<v Speaker 3>always said it was real possibility because they run on

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<v Speaker 3>both sides of our families, so of course it happened

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<v Speaker 3>to us. We are ecstatic but still in shock. Both

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<v Speaker 3>of our families live across the country. We want fun

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<v Speaker 3>ways to share it with them. How would you share

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<v Speaker 3>this news or how would you want to be told? Mark?

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<v Speaker 3>We may not have the time to tell them in

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<v Speaker 3>person before I start to actually show litt alone. Wanted

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<v Speaker 3>to get this secret out there to them. Ps, Tanya,

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<v Speaker 3>watch out. I may take the twin names Yo and

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<v Speaker 3>y'ah love you guys.

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<v Speaker 1>Might I suggest a different name? Tanya and Becca are

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<v Speaker 1>really good girl names.

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<v Speaker 2>Ya ya Tanya yah yah.

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<v Speaker 1>And Cocabecca and yeah yeah, how to tell them as anything?

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<v Speaker 1>Jumping out?

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<v Speaker 2>What if you had twins deliver things to everybody? Like

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<v Speaker 2>a set of twins deliver flowers?

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<v Speaker 1>What I was thinking, like, do you have a dog

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<v Speaker 1>that can wear a shirt like I'm having sibling twins?

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<v Speaker 3>They live across the country.

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<v Speaker 1>Send a photo.

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<v Speaker 2>Uh.

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<v Speaker 3>For some reason. My TikTok feed right now is a

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<v Speaker 3>lot of this. It's a lot of telling my parents

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<v Speaker 3>I'm pregnant and wow, yeah, and it always makes me cry.

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<v Speaker 3>So I think it doesn't really matter. A lot of

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<v Speaker 3>the ones I see are them just kind of casually

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<v Speaker 3>working it into conversation, like and man with the baby.

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<v Speaker 3>Next year, we're gonna they're like, yeah, yeah, wait what

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<v Speaker 3>And that's always really a nice moment where you kind

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<v Speaker 3>of casually throw it into conversation and everyone has to

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<v Speaker 3>figure out what you just said. That's nice. Also, it

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<v Speaker 3>doesn't matter as the day at as the grandpa one day,

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<v Speaker 3>it doesn't matter.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna go, yes, I know what you can do. Yeah, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>you can send them all to get the sonograms and

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<v Speaker 1>print off a bunch of them and put them in

0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:35.120
<v Speaker 1>an envelope and send it to all your family that's

0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:37.600
<v Speaker 1>across the country and say I'm sending you a letter.

0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:41.680
<v Speaker 1>Please FaceTime me when you get it. That's cue, so

0:11:41.720 --> 0:11:43.880
<v Speaker 1>they FaceTime you say open, don't open it until you

0:11:43.880 --> 0:11:45.720
<v Speaker 1>FaceTime me. So you FaceTime it so you can record

0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:47.800
<v Speaker 1>the FaceTime and then you can say, okay, open it,

0:11:47.840 --> 0:11:49.439
<v Speaker 1>and then you can get their reaction on video.

0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:51.920
<v Speaker 2>Oh this is a I don't hate this, and I

0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:54.000
<v Speaker 2>have something to add to it. Add to a baby

0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:56.680
<v Speaker 2>what if on the FaceTime you go, what do you

0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:58.720
<v Speaker 2>think it's gonna be? Because that's the whole thing, like

0:11:58.760 --> 0:12:00.760
<v Speaker 2>do you think it's a boy or girl? And then

0:12:00.800 --> 0:12:02.760
<v Speaker 2>they say, oh, I think it's gonna be a boy,

0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:05.840
<v Speaker 2>and and then you go, what about the other one?

0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:06.440
<v Speaker 3>Oh?

0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:11.320
<v Speaker 1>God? Yeah, in the sonogram you'll see that there's two

0:12:11.360 --> 0:12:12.360
<v Speaker 1>in there. Don't want you?

0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:16.760
<v Speaker 2>I mean, I don't know if people don't know, if

0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:21.319
<v Speaker 2>they don't immediately study it, it's not easy. I mean

0:12:21.679 --> 0:12:24.280
<v Speaker 2>I don't think that early on, don't they might if

0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:27.440
<v Speaker 2>they have like the baby one, maybe two, or you

0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:29.480
<v Speaker 2>could just call and tell them you're pregnant and then

0:12:29.559 --> 0:12:31.360
<v Speaker 2>do the what do you think it is? And then

0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:32.800
<v Speaker 2>they're like oh, and then you're like, what about the

0:12:32.840 --> 0:12:34.000
<v Speaker 2>other one? What about the second one?

0:12:34.720 --> 0:12:37.000
<v Speaker 3>I remember what did on our show? She said, I

0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:39.280
<v Speaker 3>went in and then and we heard the heartbeat for

0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:41.840
<v Speaker 3>the first time. Yeah, and then we heard the other heartbeat.

0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:42.400
<v Speaker 3>And that's.

0:12:44.320 --> 0:12:45.800
<v Speaker 1>Because I knew she was pregnant, but I didn't know

0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:46.520
<v Speaker 1>she was having twins.

0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:47.000
<v Speaker 4>Wow.

0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:50.920
<v Speaker 2>You know, and friends when Monica and Chandler's uh, when

0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:54.920
<v Speaker 2>they're adopting the babies and it's Anna Faris and she

0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:58.800
<v Speaker 2>goes the second, Uh, you don't have much time before

0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:02.600
<v Speaker 2>the second one? And they so much time before or what?

0:13:03.559 --> 0:13:06.840
<v Speaker 2>And she goes the doctor said two heartbeats. I thought

0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:12.000
<v Speaker 2>he was talking about me and the baby. I love that.

0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:13.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, classic classic.

0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:14.640
<v Speaker 3>Hannah has a question.

0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:20.080
<v Speaker 2>Hi, congrats l L Y so exciting two.

0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:24.959
<v Speaker 3>Babies, yo and y'all yoing y'all, Hannah says, Hi, backa Tanya,

0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:26.600
<v Speaker 3>Mark and East. Then, first off, thank you so much

0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:28.680
<v Speaker 3>for the joy, the laughs, and the friendship you share

0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:30.520
<v Speaker 3>through the podcast. Every week. My best friend and I

0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:32.880
<v Speaker 3>listen to every episode and discuss them as if we're

0:13:32.880 --> 0:13:35.160
<v Speaker 3>sitting across the table from you, guys and chatting with

0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:38.720
<v Speaker 3>our closest friends. So small. I'm in my early thirties

0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:40.800
<v Speaker 3>and I'm dating with the intention of getting married. I

0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:42.520
<v Speaker 3>recently decided I want to wait until I'm in a

0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:45.200
<v Speaker 3>relationship to be intimate with someone. In the past, I've

0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:47.439
<v Speaker 3>been intimate with guys I was dating early on because

0:13:47.440 --> 0:13:49.400
<v Speaker 3>I felt like that was what they wanted and what

0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:51.839
<v Speaker 3>was expected, and when it ended, I felt hurt and

0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:54.760
<v Speaker 3>wished I hadn't done something I wasn't ready for. Recently,

0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:56.800
<v Speaker 3>I tried communicating my new boundary to a guy I

0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:59.680
<v Speaker 3>had just started dating. After that, he ended things with

0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:01.360
<v Speaker 3>me because he said it was important to him to

0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:03.719
<v Speaker 3>have a strong physical connection with someone before getting into

0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:07.280
<v Speaker 3>a relationship. I don't necessarily think this guy's my guy,

0:14:07.400 --> 0:14:10.440
<v Speaker 3>but I'm struggling with how to navigate dating intentionally and

0:14:10.520 --> 0:14:13.760
<v Speaker 3>respect my boundaries while also feeling like I'm constantly acting

0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:16.920
<v Speaker 3>as this gatekeeper of physical intimacy with guys. Would love

0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:18.920
<v Speaker 3>to hear your advice. Love you, and thank you for

0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:19.440
<v Speaker 3>all you do.

0:14:21.400 --> 0:14:23.680
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I literally did this you did for four

0:14:23.760 --> 0:14:27.040
<v Speaker 1>years when I was dating, and I think that you don't.

0:14:28.280 --> 0:14:30.600
<v Speaker 1>I think that you can still be physical and intimate

0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:32.640
<v Speaker 1>with somebody without having sex with them.

0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:35.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but that's a personal like she might not want to,

0:14:36.000 --> 0:14:37.760
<v Speaker 2>Like she might just want to kiss or something and

0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:40.720
<v Speaker 2>then that be it, because that might still feel like

0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:42.120
<v Speaker 2>giving a part of herself.

0:14:42.480 --> 0:14:42.720
<v Speaker 3>I know.

0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:45.280
<v Speaker 1>But I'm still I still think that you can be

0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:49.120
<v Speaker 1>physical and intimate and just be like kissing somebody. I

0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:52.400
<v Speaker 1>still I think you can have an very intimate like

0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:55.200
<v Speaker 1>kissing session. Was that what you call it?

0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:56.720
<v Speaker 2>Makeuh?

0:14:56.880 --> 0:15:00.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, like a little touching and like can't like I

0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:04.360
<v Speaker 1>just feel like that it doesn't need to be like,

0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:07.960
<v Speaker 1>there doesn't need to just be nothing physical until there is,

0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:09.120
<v Speaker 1>do you know what I mean? I just like there's

0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:10.520
<v Speaker 1>a lot of gray area.

0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:13.080
<v Speaker 2>Well regardless of where her limits are. How did you

0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:16.040
<v Speaker 2>handle it in terms of telling guys and navigating that

0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:19.720
<v Speaker 2>part of what you were the boundary you were setting.

0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:23.520
<v Speaker 1>I literally never set it as like any sort of stepback.

0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:26.280
<v Speaker 1>Like I was just like, oh, like And it's hard

0:15:26.280 --> 0:15:28.560
<v Speaker 1>to say because it kind of comes up naturally, like

0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:31.120
<v Speaker 1>in conversation when you're like talking about these types of things,

0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:36.160
<v Speaker 1>but I would I remember specifically, it did turn off

0:15:36.160 --> 0:15:37.760
<v Speaker 1>a couple guys, Like I feel like a couple guys.

0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:39.800
<v Speaker 1>One guy never called me back after I said it

0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:42.520
<v Speaker 1>to him, but I was just kind of like whatever, Yeah,

0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:44.480
<v Speaker 1>it was not like no skin off my back.

0:15:45.960 --> 0:15:49.160
<v Speaker 2>I think the thing is you're doing something that's not typical.

0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:52.040
<v Speaker 2>So the guy that you find that's going to be

0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:54.240
<v Speaker 2>your guy isn't going to be a typical guy.

0:15:54.760 --> 0:15:57.640
<v Speaker 3>It's kind of a litmus test, isn't it. Like if

0:15:57.680 --> 0:15:58.960
<v Speaker 3>you said that to a guy and he heads for

0:15:59.000 --> 0:15:59.880
<v Speaker 3>the hills, it's not.

0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:02.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I mean, I think you're you're set up for

0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:07.920
<v Speaker 2>success when you communicate your boundary because anyone who leaves

0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:09.200
<v Speaker 2>wasn't worth your time anyway.

0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:11.760
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And I think, like it's funny because I remember

0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:13.640
<v Speaker 1>I said it. I remember I told Robbing on our

0:16:13.680 --> 0:16:17.800
<v Speaker 1>first date about my sex thing. And I think it

0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:20.480
<v Speaker 1>was our second date, our second date.

0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:23.600
<v Speaker 3>Was can I tell you about my sex thing? Scary

0:16:23.680 --> 0:16:24.040
<v Speaker 3>for him?

0:16:24.840 --> 0:16:26.880
<v Speaker 1>I think it was our second date or third day.

0:16:26.920 --> 0:16:28.320
<v Speaker 1>It was one of our early dates, and I had

0:16:28.400 --> 0:16:30.360
<v Speaker 1>him come. He like came into my apartment and we

0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:32.440
<v Speaker 1>like had like this like makeout session on my couch

0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:35.720
<v Speaker 1>and he I remember him saying that, like he was

0:16:35.760 --> 0:16:38.040
<v Speaker 1>like totally thrown off because it was like so like

0:16:38.160 --> 0:16:40.800
<v Speaker 1>intimate and like sexual, but like he just wasn't because

0:16:40.840 --> 0:16:43.760
<v Speaker 1>of what I had shared. He just wasn't expecting it,

0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:48.000
<v Speaker 1>you know. And so I think that I don't know,

0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:50.840
<v Speaker 1>I just feel like the wrong guys are going to

0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:52.520
<v Speaker 1>be turned off. And that is what it is. Like

0:16:52.560 --> 0:16:55.560
<v Speaker 1>you're just gonna you're gonna come in contact with There's

0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:57.960
<v Speaker 1>gonna be many There were many guys that didn't want

0:16:57.960 --> 0:16:59.720
<v Speaker 1>anything to do with me after they found that out,

0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:01.160
<v Speaker 1>And it.

0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:04.040
<v Speaker 2>Might be that they have a reaction in terms of like, oh,

0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:06.960
<v Speaker 2>I wasn't expecting that which is okay. I just think

0:17:06.960 --> 0:17:10.320
<v Speaker 2>if they're not willing to respect it or want to

0:17:11.160 --> 0:17:14.800
<v Speaker 2>date you with that boundary, then good riddance.

0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:18.440
<v Speaker 1>And you're going to find plenty that do I promise?

0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:21.760
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, my wife told me something similar we're first dating,

0:17:21.800 --> 0:17:23.200
<v Speaker 3>and the fact that I didn't run, I think was

0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:25.680
<v Speaker 3>a sign that I'm, yeah, I worth investing some time in.

0:17:25.760 --> 0:17:27.320
<v Speaker 4>This might be a weird comparison, but I was thinking

0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:30.200
<v Speaker 4>about how was it van Halen that would ask for

0:17:30.280 --> 0:17:32.760
<v Speaker 4>the brown m and ms. They would ask in their

0:17:32.800 --> 0:17:34.560
<v Speaker 4>tour writer. They'd be in the dressing room, we want

0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:36.960
<v Speaker 4>only brown eminem's. And it wasn't like to be divas.

0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:40.240
<v Speaker 4>It was like, if they're if they get that detail right,

0:17:40.280 --> 0:17:42.480
<v Speaker 4>that means they're reading the whole contract, and that means

0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:44.560
<v Speaker 4>that we can trust that, like everything's going to be

0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:47.160
<v Speaker 4>safe and like done the right way. If they screw

0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:48.720
<v Speaker 4>up that detail, who knows what else they're going to

0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:51.320
<v Speaker 4>screw up. And I think that when you maybe I'm

0:17:51.320 --> 0:17:52.320
<v Speaker 4>off here, but I think when.

0:17:52.160 --> 0:17:54.840
<v Speaker 1>You make like it's like a weird comparison.

0:17:54.440 --> 0:17:57.159
<v Speaker 4>And stay with me saying I think that if you say, like,

0:17:57.400 --> 0:17:59.920
<v Speaker 4>this is something that's important to me, and they run

0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:01.480
<v Speaker 4>for the hills, like, oh, who knows what else they

0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:02.640
<v Speaker 4>would have not respected?

0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:06.840
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, no, I think that's a great comparison. You look

0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:09.200
<v Speaker 2>for your brown Eminem's right, that's right.

0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:14.880
<v Speaker 1>Okay, there's more.

0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:18.000
<v Speaker 2>We have a did I self sabotage?

0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:18.840
<v Speaker 3>Sabotage.

0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:39.120
<v Speaker 2>We're going to take a break first, all right, this

0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:43.080
<v Speaker 2>is this is a sad title because I I'm already

0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:44.840
<v Speaker 2>anticipating something unfortunate.

0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:49.000
<v Speaker 3>Well, it's anonymous, she says. Hi, Tanya, Becka Easton, and Mark.

0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:51.400
<v Speaker 3>I'm a Day one listener and I love you all

0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:53.800
<v Speaker 3>in your perspective so much. I'm a Tanya through and through,

0:18:53.920 --> 0:18:57.520
<v Speaker 3>So keep that in mind for this doozy of an email. Recently,

0:18:57.560 --> 0:19:00.439
<v Speaker 3>I started dating a guy. He seemed like an answered prayer.

0:19:00.520 --> 0:19:03.360
<v Speaker 3>He checked off so many boxes. He's thirty five, twenty nine.

0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:06.400
<v Speaker 3>I've never been in a relationship, only talking in situationships.

0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:08.840
<v Speaker 3>He had gotten out of a relationship two years ago

0:19:08.920 --> 0:19:11.520
<v Speaker 3>and mentioned that it didn't end well, so I think

0:19:11.520 --> 0:19:14.359
<v Speaker 3>he was a bit gunshy for a relationship. We were

0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:17.199
<v Speaker 3>dating for two months, one on eight dates, but his

0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:20.360
<v Speaker 3>texting was awful. It would take him days to respond

0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:22.760
<v Speaker 3>to me. He went away in vacation for a week.

0:19:22.800 --> 0:19:24.359
<v Speaker 3>From midweek. I asked how it was going, and he

0:19:24.400 --> 0:19:26.480
<v Speaker 3>didn't respond till he was back, which I understood, but

0:19:26.520 --> 0:19:28.160
<v Speaker 3>we were texting for the next few days. He sent

0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:30.639
<v Speaker 3>me some photos from the vacation, et cetera, so I

0:19:30.680 --> 0:19:34.480
<v Speaker 3>playfully asked when he wanted to see me again, and crickets.

0:19:34.760 --> 0:19:37.600
<v Speaker 3>At this point, I was just annoyed by the consistent

0:19:37.680 --> 0:19:40.600
<v Speaker 3>inconsistency for two months, so I tended to tech. I

0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:43.320
<v Speaker 3>said the text basically saying I like spending time with you,

0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:45.600
<v Speaker 3>but not being respond to you for days doesn't feel

0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:47.960
<v Speaker 3>great for me. I want something serious. If you don't,

0:19:47.960 --> 0:19:50.720
<v Speaker 3>that's fine, but if so, let's figure out what works

0:19:50.720 --> 0:19:53.320
<v Speaker 3>for us. Maybe he really hates texting, so I was

0:19:53.359 --> 0:19:57.800
<v Speaker 3>trying to find a solution. I got nothing, no response, ghosted.

0:19:58.560 --> 0:20:00.840
<v Speaker 3>I thought maybe he thought I was so I said

0:20:00.840 --> 0:20:03.399
<v Speaker 3>to one line text saying that was not meant to

0:20:03.400 --> 0:20:06.320
<v Speaker 3>be ending things. Just wanted to have a conversation about expectations.

0:20:06.320 --> 0:20:08.280
<v Speaker 3>So if that came off differently, it wasn't my intent.

0:20:08.600 --> 0:20:11.000
<v Speaker 3>My question is should I have not said anything? Did

0:20:11.040 --> 0:20:13.399
<v Speaker 3>I self sabotage? Do I have to play hard to

0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:14.680
<v Speaker 3>get to find someone to love?

0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:14.800
<v Speaker 4>Me.

0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:17.159
<v Speaker 3>I'm a lover girl, and I want to show the

0:20:17.160 --> 0:20:18.639
<v Speaker 3>people that I care about them, and I want that

0:20:18.680 --> 0:20:21.320
<v Speaker 3>to be reciprocated. I'm just exhausted. Do I have to

0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:23.359
<v Speaker 3>change who I am to get a guy to chase me?

0:20:24.000 --> 0:20:26.280
<v Speaker 3>Thank you for reading my email. I value your opinions

0:20:26.280 --> 0:20:28.399
<v Speaker 3>and I love you all for being you and the

0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:29.600
<v Speaker 3>community that you've built.

0:20:30.440 --> 0:20:36.959
<v Speaker 2>I could just be I could just multiple texts clarifying things.

0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:40.720
<v Speaker 2>Isn't this isn't your guy? Nope, here's the thing. Do

0:20:40.800 --> 0:20:43.680
<v Speaker 2>you have to play hard to get? No? I don't

0:20:43.720 --> 0:20:46.960
<v Speaker 2>think that's the case. But I also remember, specifically, like

0:20:47.480 --> 0:20:49.840
<v Speaker 2>when Tanya and Robbie were dating, when he was still

0:20:49.920 --> 0:20:50.920
<v Speaker 2>kind of they were not.

0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:55.000
<v Speaker 1>Hard to get with him. Whatever you do, I'm like, here,

0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:56.240
<v Speaker 1>I am on a silver platter.

0:20:56.359 --> 0:20:59.160
<v Speaker 2>I know, and you did, but he didn't. He wasn't

0:20:59.160 --> 0:21:01.359
<v Speaker 2>immediately like trying to lock you down to be his

0:21:01.480 --> 0:21:05.560
<v Speaker 2>girlfriend until you went on another date and opened yourself

0:21:05.640 --> 0:21:09.960
<v Speaker 2>up to exploring other options. Yes, And I think that

0:21:09.960 --> 0:21:12.159
<v Speaker 2>that kind of falls into the category of hard to

0:21:12.160 --> 0:21:16.520
<v Speaker 2>get because you're basically saying I'm not just even though

0:21:16.520 --> 0:21:18.480
<v Speaker 2>you were, I'm not just here for you to make

0:21:18.520 --> 0:21:20.800
<v Speaker 2>your decision, like I'm gonna I'm not gonna sit here

0:21:20.800 --> 0:21:23.119
<v Speaker 2>and wait for you to want to lock me down.

0:21:23.200 --> 0:21:26.639
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna go and and explore other options, even though

0:21:26.800 --> 0:21:28.480
<v Speaker 2>you were very locked in on Robbie.

0:21:28.600 --> 0:21:31.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. But I was also very transparent about it. I

0:21:31.680 --> 0:21:34.880
<v Speaker 1>wasn't like playing games. I wasn't like no, no, no.

0:21:34.920 --> 0:21:36.359
<v Speaker 1>I was very upfront with him. I was like, Okay,

0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:38.440
<v Speaker 1>if you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship,

0:21:38.520 --> 0:21:41.760
<v Speaker 1>that's fine, I'm gonna start dating other people. And I did.

0:21:42.640 --> 0:21:47.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so I hated it. My advice to you, Anonymous,

0:21:47.240 --> 0:21:49.920
<v Speaker 2>is this is not your guy. He doesn't seem mature

0:21:50.040 --> 0:21:52.600
<v Speaker 2>enough to even have a conversation with you, which is

0:21:52.680 --> 0:21:58.080
<v Speaker 2>so rude beyond like, sure, maybe your multiple texts freaked

0:21:58.119 --> 0:21:59.959
<v Speaker 2>him out a little bit, like let's just be on

0:22:00.080 --> 0:22:02.040
<v Speaker 2>as it could have very well been that, but also

0:22:02.280 --> 0:22:06.040
<v Speaker 2>he owes you a conversation, and this is not your guy,

0:22:06.119 --> 0:22:09.640
<v Speaker 2>because your guy, even if he was freaked out, he'd

0:22:09.640 --> 0:22:12.760
<v Speaker 2>be like hey, sorry, Like I got a little overwhelmed

0:22:12.800 --> 0:22:14.640
<v Speaker 2>by the text, but I wanted to take a few

0:22:14.720 --> 0:22:15.720
<v Speaker 2>days to think about it.

0:22:16.640 --> 0:22:18.639
<v Speaker 1>I believe you cannot say the wrong thing to the

0:22:18.720 --> 0:22:21.600
<v Speaker 1>right person. I believe it.

0:22:23.520 --> 0:22:28.080
<v Speaker 2>Sorry, No, that's what I'm saying. I think that if

0:22:28.119 --> 0:22:32.160
<v Speaker 2>this was her guy, he wouldn't have just ghosted her.

0:22:32.720 --> 0:22:36.160
<v Speaker 1>I had so much verbal diarrhea in the early days

0:22:36.160 --> 0:22:38.879
<v Speaker 1>with every guy that I dated. There was no holding

0:22:38.880 --> 0:22:39.320
<v Speaker 1>me back.

0:22:40.880 --> 0:22:45.280
<v Speaker 2>Well, Sierra was kind of texting for you, so we

0:22:45.359 --> 0:22:47.240
<v Speaker 2>hooked Robbie through Sierra's game.

0:22:48.080 --> 0:22:50.400
<v Speaker 1>Okay, fair, but I took over it in person. At

0:22:50.400 --> 0:22:52.880
<v Speaker 1>some point you did. I don't know how far you had.

0:22:52.840 --> 0:22:53.280
<v Speaker 2>To get help.

0:22:53.320 --> 0:22:55.639
<v Speaker 3>You was at the table behind you whispering things to

0:22:55.680 --> 0:22:56.400
<v Speaker 3>say to him, if.

0:22:56.280 --> 0:23:04.280
<v Speaker 2>I recall right, and that would be so sad anonymous.

0:23:04.520 --> 0:23:09.399
<v Speaker 2>You deserve someone who can have a conversation and ease

0:23:09.520 --> 0:23:18.000
<v Speaker 2>your anxiety and anxiousness. I guess that's anxiety around this situation.

0:23:18.280 --> 0:23:20.840
<v Speaker 2>You deserve someone who is upfront with you and can

0:23:20.880 --> 0:23:23.800
<v Speaker 2>be direct and also wants to talk to you and

0:23:23.840 --> 0:23:26.200
<v Speaker 2>wants to hear from you, and this guy is not it.

0:23:26.400 --> 0:23:28.560
<v Speaker 3>I agree, when you find the right guy, it will

0:23:28.600 --> 0:23:29.320
<v Speaker 3>be easy.

0:23:29.359 --> 0:23:32.720
<v Speaker 2>And d Yeah.

0:23:32.960 --> 0:23:35.080
<v Speaker 3>Hi Beg a tiny Eastern and Mark, my best friend

0:23:35.119 --> 0:23:38.080
<v Speaker 3>of eighteen years, who considered more like a sister, has

0:23:38.119 --> 0:23:40.359
<v Speaker 3>been married for seven years as two sweet little girls

0:23:40.359 --> 0:23:44.199
<v Speaker 3>with her husband. Last summer, he found out that she

0:23:44.240 --> 0:23:46.440
<v Speaker 3>had been talking to her ex boyfriend for a little while,

0:23:46.600 --> 0:23:49.239
<v Speaker 3>nothing ever happened. They live in separate countries, but they

0:23:49.280 --> 0:23:52.000
<v Speaker 3>were texting and calling. Her husband found out that I

0:23:52.119 --> 0:23:55.119
<v Speaker 3>knew she was talking to him, and now refuses to

0:23:55.200 --> 0:23:56.880
<v Speaker 3>let her hang out with me, and it's a fight

0:23:56.960 --> 0:23:59.520
<v Speaker 3>every time she wants to. My best friend and I

0:23:59.520 --> 0:24:01.240
<v Speaker 3>have hung out a couple times since then, but she's

0:24:01.280 --> 0:24:03.200
<v Speaker 3>explained to me he does not want her to be

0:24:03.240 --> 0:24:06.320
<v Speaker 3>friends with me or want me around their daughters. I

0:24:06.359 --> 0:24:08.200
<v Speaker 3>ask every couple of months to get dinner or a

0:24:08.280 --> 0:24:10.320
<v Speaker 3>drink for this, I was an excuse not to. I've

0:24:10.320 --> 0:24:13.080
<v Speaker 3>always liked him, We've gotten along. We'd have double dates

0:24:13.080 --> 0:24:15.480
<v Speaker 3>and game nights with my boyfriend tagging along. I've always

0:24:15.520 --> 0:24:18.040
<v Speaker 3>asked my best friend to ask him if he would

0:24:18.119 --> 0:24:21.440
<v Speaker 3>chat with me directly, but he says no. He thinks

0:24:21.480 --> 0:24:23.320
<v Speaker 3>I should have told him about the X when I

0:24:23.320 --> 0:24:25.880
<v Speaker 3>found out, and maybe I should have, But my loyalty

0:24:26.000 --> 0:24:27.720
<v Speaker 3>is to my best friend. I miss her and the

0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:30.240
<v Speaker 3>girl so much and can't imagine going through life without them.

0:24:30.560 --> 0:24:33.160
<v Speaker 3>Should I reach out to him directly? Should I keep

0:24:33.200 --> 0:24:35.399
<v Speaker 3>reaching out to her? What do I do? Thank you

0:24:35.440 --> 0:24:37.800
<v Speaker 3>for bringing so much joy? Love? And laughter too. My

0:24:37.880 --> 0:24:40.040
<v Speaker 3>life every week. I love you guys in this podcast

0:24:40.200 --> 0:24:40.640
<v Speaker 3>so much.

0:24:42.640 --> 0:24:45.000
<v Speaker 2>Oh. I was gonna say she should have a conversation

0:24:45.080 --> 0:24:46.720
<v Speaker 2>with him, but he doesn't want to.

0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:49.520
<v Speaker 1>But that's all you can do, I think your I

0:24:49.520 --> 0:24:51.080
<v Speaker 1>think all you can do is reach out to him

0:24:51.119 --> 0:24:53.359
<v Speaker 1>and keep reaching out to him, and that's like the

0:24:53.400 --> 0:24:56.480
<v Speaker 1>best that you can do. I don't think she can

0:24:56.560 --> 0:24:59.160
<v Speaker 1>keep going through her best friend. Clearly he doesn't want

0:24:59.160 --> 0:25:00.600
<v Speaker 1>to hear it that if.

0:25:00.480 --> 0:25:02.320
<v Speaker 2>He won't talk to I think she should reach out

0:25:02.320 --> 0:25:04.720
<v Speaker 2>to him and see and be like, can we please talk?

0:25:04.760 --> 0:25:07.280
<v Speaker 2>Like I want to have a conversation with you, and

0:25:08.400 --> 0:25:13.280
<v Speaker 2>you know it be like a direct conversation. And if

0:25:13.280 --> 0:25:15.960
<v Speaker 2>he doesn't respond, I think you should. I would send

0:25:16.000 --> 0:25:18.200
<v Speaker 2>a text and just like say what I would need

0:25:18.240 --> 0:25:21.600
<v Speaker 2>to say, because that would drive me so crazy.

0:25:21.800 --> 0:25:26.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, or send him an email an email apologize for.

0:25:26.119 --> 0:25:28.560
<v Speaker 2>Like yeah, like yeah, maybe or whatever put me in

0:25:28.600 --> 0:25:30.880
<v Speaker 2>a bad spot, but my loyalty is to her.

0:25:31.000 --> 0:25:33.879
<v Speaker 1>Like I'll regret it forever, like I don't know whatever,

0:25:34.000 --> 0:25:36.879
<v Speaker 1>or just like apologize and say I really miss your

0:25:36.920 --> 0:25:41.080
<v Speaker 1>girls and like whatever. Yeah, like I but you can't ford.

0:25:41.160 --> 0:25:44.760
<v Speaker 1>I mean, he's clearly hurting and I think time heals.

0:25:45.119 --> 0:25:49.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, he's hurting and might not know how to handle

0:25:49.280 --> 0:25:51.919
<v Speaker 2>it in the most productive or mature way. But I

0:25:51.960 --> 0:25:54.920
<v Speaker 2>think that you have a chance to at least send

0:25:55.000 --> 0:25:58.399
<v Speaker 2>something that shares your side.

0:25:58.560 --> 0:26:02.240
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's an interestingynamic I've seen in relationships over the years.

0:26:02.400 --> 0:26:07.600
<v Speaker 3>When a partner feels betrayed by their partner, it's hard

0:26:07.640 --> 0:26:09.840
<v Speaker 3>for them to put all of that on the partner

0:26:09.880 --> 0:26:12.399
<v Speaker 3>because they have to continue this marriage relationship, and so

0:26:12.440 --> 0:26:15.560
<v Speaker 3>they find someone else to be the scapegoat. Yeah, and

0:26:15.600 --> 0:26:18.080
<v Speaker 3>so he's putting all of this feeling of her. I

0:26:18.080 --> 0:26:20.040
<v Speaker 3>don't know if she betrayed her or what he feels betrayed.

0:26:20.160 --> 0:26:22.080
<v Speaker 3>He's putting all of that in the best friend who

0:26:22.119 --> 0:26:24.000
<v Speaker 3>really had very little to do with it, but knew

0:26:24.000 --> 0:26:26.600
<v Speaker 3>about it. So she has become the face of this

0:26:26.760 --> 0:26:29.600
<v Speaker 3>issue in their marriage. And I don't know that he's

0:26:29.600 --> 0:26:31.439
<v Speaker 3>going to get past that. But how many times have

0:26:31.480 --> 0:26:33.720
<v Speaker 3>you seen that, Like a guy cheats and the wife

0:26:33.760 --> 0:26:36.119
<v Speaker 3>forgives the husband, but she's never going to forgive that

0:26:36.200 --> 0:26:38.560
<v Speaker 3>woman that he's slept with, that monster, you know. But

0:26:38.560 --> 0:26:41.639
<v Speaker 3>they were equally responsible, obviously, But that happens. It's like

0:26:41.640 --> 0:26:44.520
<v Speaker 3>a coping mechanism if this marriage is going to continue,

0:26:44.600 --> 0:26:46.800
<v Speaker 3>I have to forgive her, so I got to move

0:26:46.840 --> 0:26:49.160
<v Speaker 3>that to someone else. So, I mean it's kind of sad.

0:26:49.200 --> 0:26:50.479
<v Speaker 3>I don't know how you get past it.

0:26:51.040 --> 0:26:53.359
<v Speaker 1>You just got to keep trying keep chip chip chipping away.

0:26:54.920 --> 0:26:58.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean it might not it might not ever

0:26:58.119 --> 0:26:59.440
<v Speaker 2>be at a place that you wanted to be at.

0:26:59.440 --> 0:27:02.040
<v Speaker 2>But I think if you can just like apologize to

0:27:02.119 --> 0:27:05.480
<v Speaker 2>him and get it on out, whether it's in a

0:27:05.520 --> 0:27:09.000
<v Speaker 2>conversation or email or whatever, I think that's that will

0:27:09.000 --> 0:27:10.960
<v Speaker 2>be as much as you can do about the situation.

0:27:14.520 --> 0:27:19.520
<v Speaker 3>Sorry, that sucks, all right. We have one more and

0:27:19.560 --> 0:27:21.600
<v Speaker 3>it's about a mother in law issue, and those are

0:27:21.720 --> 0:27:24.840
<v Speaker 3>those are fraught. The wife mother in law relationship is

0:27:24.880 --> 0:27:27.240
<v Speaker 3>fascinating and we'll get to that next.

0:27:46.280 --> 0:27:49.200
<v Speaker 2>In law drama. In law drama, I'm coming.

0:27:51.119 --> 0:27:53.560
<v Speaker 3>Dear Becca, Tanya Mark and Easton. I met my husband

0:27:53.600 --> 0:27:55.600
<v Speaker 3>in college in the Midwest over ten years ago. We've

0:27:55.600 --> 0:27:58.040
<v Speaker 3>been married for six years, two young children, three and one.

0:27:58.440 --> 0:28:01.440
<v Speaker 3>We moved to my home on the Ghost in twenty seventeen.

0:28:01.720 --> 0:28:03.600
<v Speaker 3>My husband and I've been arguing a lot later about

0:28:03.680 --> 0:28:07.720
<v Speaker 3>visiting his home more often. Here's the situation. Our children

0:28:07.800 --> 0:28:11.120
<v Speaker 3>are both very young flying is expensive, and his mother

0:28:11.160 --> 0:28:13.200
<v Speaker 3>and I do not get along. She's caused a lot

0:28:13.200 --> 0:28:15.760
<v Speaker 3>of hurt and anxiety. She's very opinionated, and ever since

0:28:15.760 --> 0:28:18.560
<v Speaker 3>we've had children, we just don't do well around each other.

0:28:18.760 --> 0:28:20.960
<v Speaker 3>It's gotten so bad with her that I told my

0:28:21.040 --> 0:28:23.199
<v Speaker 3>husband she can no longer stay with us when she visits.

0:28:23.440 --> 0:28:25.760
<v Speaker 3>We live in a small apartment. Her negative energy takes

0:28:25.840 --> 0:28:28.360
<v Speaker 3>up so much space in this home. Now she won't

0:28:28.400 --> 0:28:30.880
<v Speaker 3>fly out here because she wants to stay with us. Financially,

0:28:31.000 --> 0:28:34.080
<v Speaker 3>she can't afford it. My issue is not flying out

0:28:34.119 --> 0:28:36.040
<v Speaker 3>to visit his family. My issue is how long my

0:28:36.080 --> 0:28:40.000
<v Speaker 3>husband wants to go. He said a minimum of two weeks.

0:28:40.480 --> 0:28:42.560
<v Speaker 3>I don't have the kind of vacation time I've been

0:28:42.560 --> 0:28:44.080
<v Speaker 3>going for that long with young kids. It's fair to

0:28:44.120 --> 0:28:46.640
<v Speaker 3>them and their schedules either. I've encouraged him to take

0:28:46.640 --> 0:28:48.920
<v Speaker 3>as long as he wants out there. That makes him happy,

0:28:49.040 --> 0:28:51.080
<v Speaker 3>but he says he doesn't want to go without all

0:28:51.120 --> 0:28:53.760
<v Speaker 3>of us. Please help, love, love, love you all start

0:28:53.840 --> 0:28:56.040
<v Speaker 3>listening in twenty twenty. Thank you for all you do

0:28:56.120 --> 0:28:58.520
<v Speaker 3>for creating such an amazing scrubbing in community.

0:29:00.080 --> 0:29:01.760
<v Speaker 2>Hmmm, that's so hard.

0:29:01.960 --> 0:29:04.120
<v Speaker 3>It is hard because that's the compromise, and we've done

0:29:04.120 --> 0:29:07.880
<v Speaker 3>that in my marriage. I don't have three weeks off.

0:29:07.920 --> 0:29:10.360
<v Speaker 3>But you want to go see every cousin, every nuncle. Great,

0:29:10.720 --> 0:29:13.440
<v Speaker 3>you go, bring the kids first week, I'll join you

0:29:13.480 --> 0:29:15.280
<v Speaker 3>after a couple of weeks. That's the compromise. He goes

0:29:15.280 --> 0:29:17.080
<v Speaker 3>by himself for a week and then you join him, yeah,

0:29:17.760 --> 0:29:20.480
<v Speaker 3>or whatever. So the fact that he's so digging in

0:29:20.560 --> 0:29:22.320
<v Speaker 3>his heels over this, I don't know what you mean.

0:29:22.440 --> 0:29:24.280
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but I also feel like she's digging in her

0:29:24.320 --> 0:29:26.360
<v Speaker 1>heels over the fact that, like she doesn't get along

0:29:26.360 --> 0:29:28.600
<v Speaker 1>with the mother in law, she doesn't want to two.

0:29:28.520 --> 0:29:30.000
<v Speaker 3>Weeks if she doesn't have the vacation time.

0:29:30.080 --> 0:29:31.680
<v Speaker 1>No, I know, I agree, but I feel like she

0:29:31.720 --> 0:29:32.640
<v Speaker 1>doesn't want to go at all.

0:29:35.040 --> 0:29:38.120
<v Speaker 2>I think I think the compromise is he goes like

0:29:38.200 --> 0:29:41.360
<v Speaker 2>you do, Mark. I think it's he goes spends time

0:29:41.360 --> 0:29:43.120
<v Speaker 2>with them, it takes the kids. If he wants to

0:29:43.160 --> 0:29:43.920
<v Speaker 2>take that one.

0:29:45.880 --> 0:29:48.200
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, he probably doesn't want to.

0:29:48.600 --> 0:29:49.640
<v Speaker 2>She can give him that option.

0:29:49.840 --> 0:29:50.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:29:50.720 --> 0:29:54.560
<v Speaker 2>And then so when she has for the amount of

0:29:54.600 --> 0:29:56.840
<v Speaker 2>vacation time she has, she can file to meet them.

0:29:57.280 --> 0:29:59.760
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I also think too, like this is even though

0:29:59.760 --> 0:30:01.840
<v Speaker 1>you don't get along like this is his mom, she

0:30:02.000 --> 0:30:04.960
<v Speaker 1>is your mother, and married it to this family forever,

0:30:05.040 --> 0:30:07.040
<v Speaker 1>And I think you have to, Like what I've realized

0:30:07.320 --> 0:30:10.320
<v Speaker 1>is you have people are gonna be like, take people

0:30:10.360 --> 0:30:12.280
<v Speaker 1>as they are. People are going to be the way

0:30:12.320 --> 0:30:14.680
<v Speaker 1>that they are. You have to just accept it and

0:30:14.720 --> 0:30:18.040
<v Speaker 1>not let it affect you. That's like the whole trick

0:30:18.120 --> 0:30:20.760
<v Speaker 1>of life, is what I'm realizing, is like people are

0:30:20.760 --> 0:30:22.760
<v Speaker 1>going to be how they are. You just can't let

0:30:22.760 --> 0:30:24.240
<v Speaker 1>it affect and impact you.

0:30:24.720 --> 0:30:27.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but there's people in your life who act a

0:30:27.480 --> 0:30:32.040
<v Speaker 2>certain way and it affects you. What do you mean,

0:30:32.240 --> 0:30:35.000
<v Speaker 2>like if you're around them, like their energy affects you.

0:30:35.720 --> 0:30:38.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but this is this is this is his her,

0:30:39.280 --> 0:30:41.400
<v Speaker 1>this is her husband's mother.

0:30:41.720 --> 0:30:44.720
<v Speaker 2>I know, but it's and it sucks that it that

0:30:44.920 --> 0:30:48.560
<v Speaker 2>this is the relationship. But it's it's easy to just like,

0:30:48.600 --> 0:30:51.880
<v Speaker 2>don't let it affect you, but it it clearly does.

0:30:51.920 --> 0:30:54.000
<v Speaker 2>Like if you're going and staying in someone's house and

0:30:54.040 --> 0:30:56.320
<v Speaker 2>you were just like butting heads with them the whole time,

0:30:56.400 --> 0:30:58.560
<v Speaker 2>and like everything you told the kids to do or

0:30:58.600 --> 0:31:01.400
<v Speaker 2>they challenged you on it or whatever it was, would

0:31:01.440 --> 0:31:05.960
<v Speaker 2>I have you crazy? But I agree? I mean, you

0:31:06.080 --> 0:31:10.800
<v Speaker 2>married into his family and that's like when you get married.

0:31:10.960 --> 0:31:13.840
<v Speaker 2>That's that's part of it. Yeah, and I think that

0:31:14.440 --> 0:31:18.200
<v Speaker 2>whether it's like y'all get a hotel and and so

0:31:18.320 --> 0:31:21.320
<v Speaker 2>you have a little separation from it of like you're

0:31:21.360 --> 0:31:23.920
<v Speaker 2>making the effort to go visit, but you know that's

0:31:23.960 --> 0:31:27.400
<v Speaker 2>more money and it might cause drama. But it seems

0:31:27.440 --> 0:31:29.360
<v Speaker 2>like the drama's already there. Like if she can't stay

0:31:29.360 --> 0:31:31.120
<v Speaker 2>at the house when she comes to visit, I don't

0:31:31.160 --> 0:31:32.920
<v Speaker 2>think her staying in a hotel would be like a

0:31:32.960 --> 0:31:33.719
<v Speaker 2>breaking point.

0:31:34.040 --> 0:31:35.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:31:35.760 --> 0:31:37.239
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, you do have to suck it up as far

0:31:37.240 --> 0:31:38.680
<v Speaker 3>as the bomb goes. I mean, I get her not

0:31:38.720 --> 0:31:41.320
<v Speaker 3>staying with you. I mean that's a lot, but that's

0:31:41.320 --> 0:31:42.560
<v Speaker 3>also a tough thing to bring up.

0:31:42.760 --> 0:31:45.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeahad to see you.

0:31:46.920 --> 0:31:49.840
<v Speaker 2>Like, it's kind of like if you've got through that hump,

0:31:50.040 --> 0:31:51.960
<v Speaker 2>then you should be able to go and just book

0:31:52.000 --> 0:31:54.160
<v Speaker 2>a hotel and stay.

0:31:54.360 --> 0:31:58.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. Yeah, friction disconnect here. Yeah, So man, matter.

0:31:58.480 --> 0:32:03.320
<v Speaker 1>Like babysit the kids, like you go take time.

0:32:03.160 --> 0:32:07.120
<v Speaker 2>Some point if you're feeling brave, have a conversation about

0:32:06.280 --> 0:32:09.680
<v Speaker 2>the tension and why it's there and what you can do.

0:32:09.720 --> 0:32:12.160
<v Speaker 1>Because you're both a relationship better, you're both gonna be

0:32:12.200 --> 0:32:13.080
<v Speaker 1>with each other forever.

0:32:13.360 --> 0:32:17.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so it's like have a conversation of like, what

0:32:17.320 --> 0:32:19.760
<v Speaker 2>can I do to to make this better?

0:32:19.960 --> 0:32:20.200
<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

0:32:20.240 --> 0:32:23.240
<v Speaker 1>I agree, but good.

0:32:23.200 --> 0:32:25.720
<v Speaker 2>Luck anonymous thinking of you. That's very hard.

0:32:25.920 --> 0:32:26.920
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:32:27.000 --> 0:32:33.440
<v Speaker 2>If y'all ever have any emails, advice success that you

0:32:33.480 --> 0:32:37.440
<v Speaker 2>want to share with us, dms on Instagram at scrubbing

0:32:37.440 --> 0:32:40.200
<v Speaker 2>in pot or email us at scrubbing in at iHeartMedia

0:32:40.200 --> 0:32:42.840
<v Speaker 2>dot com. We love hearing from you. We love our

0:32:42.880 --> 0:32:44.760
<v Speaker 2>Dear Bonnie episodes.

0:32:44.880 --> 0:32:48.720
<v Speaker 1>Ask us anything anything, and if.

0:32:48.560 --> 0:32:51.000
<v Speaker 2>Like even if you're just telling us something that you

0:32:51.440 --> 0:32:54.320
<v Speaker 2>like want to be celebrated for and you need some

0:32:54.440 --> 0:33:00.400
<v Speaker 2>like celebrated words, come to us. Yeah, celebrate you.

0:33:00.400 --> 0:33:02.800
<v Speaker 3>You just got out of a toxic relationship. You finally

0:33:02.880 --> 0:33:05.040
<v Speaker 3>got up the nerve to just end it.

0:33:04.480 --> 0:33:11.040
<v Speaker 2>Good for you that tell us about it. Yeah, we

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<v Speaker 2>love you so much. Have a wonderful weekend. To be

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<v Speaker 2>continuous