1 00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:04,160 Speaker 1: Scrubbing in with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:10,520 Speaker 1: and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast That's right. 3 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 2: We are hello, everybody. We are scrubbing it. 4 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: Rub a dub dub and the tub dub tum. 5 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:25,120 Speaker 2: How to ring to it? That sound? How you doing? 6 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: Dan good? Hiding? 7 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 2: Dan good? Dan good good? 8 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: How long is Haley out a town for for the 9 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:31,760 Speaker 1: whole week? 10 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 2: Two weeks? 11 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:33,880 Speaker 3: Whoa? 12 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 2: Everyone hush follows over the room. I'm good. 13 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,240 Speaker 3: Are you better with that? Better? Okay? 14 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 2: I'm better? 15 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 3: Good? 16 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:51,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm better. I'm healthier, mentally stronger, mentally right and 17 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:51,800 Speaker 2: also sad. 18 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 3: It's kind of sad, but I feel like the deeper 19 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,760 Speaker 3: you get in your relationship, the more you're like, oh, 20 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,959 Speaker 3: I kind of don't mind the freedom of this. 21 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 2: Oh no, I hate her being gone. That's like, I 22 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,400 Speaker 2: hate it. It takes me a few days to like 23 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 2: adjust to sleeping and like, I just I love our 24 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 2: I love doing stuff like everything with her, and so 25 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,480 Speaker 2: I think like having dinner together and going to bed 26 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 2: and having our show. You know, it's just like that. 27 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,080 Speaker 1: Well, the nighttime routine is like sad, like and he's gone, 28 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,880 Speaker 1: I'm like, this is sad, although I have. 29 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,520 Speaker 2: To say I have like the hardest time getting out 30 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,520 Speaker 2: of bed and being productive if she's in bed next 31 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 2: to me. So like I'm way more productive in terms 32 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 2: of doing stuff, which is nice. 33 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 1: Oh that is nice because like. 34 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,000 Speaker 2: When I just want to be like sitting next to 35 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:37,680 Speaker 2: her if she's there. 36 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,959 Speaker 1: I like literally wept tears when I left, probably to 37 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: go to New York, like actual tears. 38 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 2: Well, yeah, that was right, yo, it just got very. 39 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,400 Speaker 1: Yeah I do that was a part of it. 40 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:49,000 Speaker 2: Yeah yeah. 41 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: But like I keep telling him, I'm like, I know 42 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,160 Speaker 1: the newlywed phase ends, because it's literally called like the 43 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,120 Speaker 1: newlywed phase, but like I don't want it to end, 44 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,560 Speaker 1: Like how do we preserve this? 45 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 2: Just get married every year? 46 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, or celebrate every month like or every month. Yeah, 47 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 1: I don't want to lose it. 48 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 2: Just never stop celebrating being in love. 49 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,120 Speaker 1: You know, I did a lot of really sweet dms. 50 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,239 Speaker 1: I posted that something about like being newly wet and 51 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,280 Speaker 1: I never want to like lose this feeling. And I 52 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: got a lot of dams from people who've been married 53 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 1: for like twenty years plus saying like they still feel 54 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 1: that same way about their husband, And I'm like Okay, 55 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 1: so some people still can have it. 56 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think. I think. I mean, you put in 57 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:35,200 Speaker 2: the effort, you reap what you so mm hmm. The 58 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,920 Speaker 2: grass is green where you water water it. 59 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. 60 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 2: So anyways, shall we get into some deer bonio questions? 61 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,040 Speaker 2: Was enough four play for you? 62 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 1: It wasn't quite the amount of four play that I 63 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 1: usually like, but it's fine for today. 64 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,480 Speaker 3: This is from a spiral thing scrubber. By the way, 65 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:53,960 Speaker 3: I like that if you don't want to give us 66 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,320 Speaker 3: your name, rather than just be anonymous, do something cute 67 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:56,760 Speaker 3: with it, you know. 68 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well I hate that she's spiraling, but yeah 69 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 2: that's true. 70 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 3: But you know, come up with some alliterative signtu. 71 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:05,519 Speaker 1: Yeah, I like it too. 72 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,959 Speaker 3: Harod and hopeless. All right. This is from a spiral 73 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,240 Speaker 3: link scrubber. I have been with my boyfriend five years. 74 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 3: He's thirty one. I'll be thirty three in June. I 75 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 3: love him, I love our life together. We're figuring out 76 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 3: next steps as far as our future together. One thing 77 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,880 Speaker 3: for me is I don't always feel our sexual chemistry. 78 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 3: It's something I've stressed about throughout a relationship and have 79 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,080 Speaker 3: tried not to overthink it. Don't get me wrong. We 80 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,839 Speaker 3: are into it regularly, but I don't often crave him 81 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,200 Speaker 3: or have vagina tingles, and can't say I had them 82 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 3: even early on in our relationship. Listening to your recent 83 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 3: dear binding episode of hearing about the almond milk versus 84 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 3: froyo with toppings sparks some anxiety. By the way, that 85 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 3: was really funny. I watched the Instagram for that and 86 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,400 Speaker 3: left all over again. Should I be worried they don't 87 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 3: have those vagina singles? Am I with the wrong person? 88 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,480 Speaker 3: Or can it be normal to just be content with 89 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 3: less sexual chemistry? Sincerely, a spiral link scrubber. 90 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 2: Hmmm, you know what's interesting. It's totally fine to be 91 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:02,520 Speaker 2: content if that's a you want. I always saw I 92 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 2: can be content like in my life before I met Haley, 93 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 2: I thought like, I can be happy and I can 94 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 2: feel content. But I now that I've had something more, 95 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 2: I realize how much more fulfilling it is to not 96 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:20,920 Speaker 2: just be content with the person I'm with. I'm curious 97 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 2: about your thoughts on this, because you're very Before Robbie, 98 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,920 Speaker 2: you were very much like vagina tingles. 99 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 1: However, kind of no. I was never about no vagina tingles. 100 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,880 Speaker 1: Are always a priority. 101 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,279 Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know that you prioritize them before Robbie. 102 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,160 Speaker 1: No, I think that vagina tingles can grow over time. 103 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: I don't think you just have instant vagina tingles all 104 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:47,479 Speaker 1: the time. M hm. However, I did have those with 105 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 1: Robbie right away. But I'm saying if it doesn't happen 106 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,479 Speaker 1: right away doesn't mean that they're never gonna come. But 107 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,800 Speaker 1: I do think they're important. You're sick. 108 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:05,800 Speaker 2: I was sick, but they've been together during my five years. 109 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:10,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not coming, not coming after five years. 110 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 2: I don't think you don't think they can develop after 111 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 2: five years. 112 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,000 Speaker 1: No, I think they can develop after a couple of months. 113 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:21,039 Speaker 2: Yeah, but do you think that it's something because you 114 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,799 Speaker 2: know how I've referenced this episode before and everyone acted 115 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 2: like I was crazy. But we had like a sex 116 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:30,440 Speaker 2: therapist on and it was over Zoom and she we 117 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:36,799 Speaker 2: talked about how people have different sex languages or whatever 118 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 2: sex preference. 119 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,400 Speaker 1: Episode seemed to escaping me. 120 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,039 Speaker 2: I know, maybe I did it alone. 121 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:43,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. 122 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 2: Anyways, it is basically saying how people have different preferences, 123 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 2: like some people like like it very like straightforward and gentle, 124 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,159 Speaker 2: and romantic. Some people have like kinks and like have things, 125 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 2: and if you're not catering to those things or feel like, 126 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 2: say enough to express those things, then you're not getting 127 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,840 Speaker 2: what you want in a in a sexual capacity, right, 128 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 2: And so maybe something. 129 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,840 Speaker 1: Is joy sixty nine. Some people don't. 130 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 2: Simply put yes. 131 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,720 Speaker 4: It's a fantastic example time. 132 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:16,560 Speaker 2: Simply put yes. 133 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: But maybe she does and he's not giving her that. 134 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, Or maybe y'all haven't even had that conversation about 135 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 2: what you like in a very open and honest way, 136 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,440 Speaker 2: because it's very vulnerable to share like the things that 137 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,600 Speaker 2: you like and prefer if it's different from your partners. 138 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 2: But if you haven't had that conversation, I would look 139 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:39,040 Speaker 2: into into having that and seeing if the tingles can develop. 140 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, there's this show, what's it called Goop? It was 141 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,680 Speaker 1: like some sort of Gwyneth Paltrow show. 142 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,719 Speaker 2: I think that I just watched the show, and I 143 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,200 Speaker 2: think I had a podcast about it. 144 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,680 Speaker 1: So I would suggest watching that show, because, yeah, you're right, 145 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,400 Speaker 1: there are like different things and maybe like you'll, something 146 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 1: will like ign night spark and interest in you. 147 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,919 Speaker 2: But also here's my question for you, are you content 148 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 2: with just being content? In your relationship. 149 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 3: Here's a quote on this, and I'm curious that's your 150 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 3: thoughts about this quote because it is widely shared. It's 151 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 3: okay to head out for wonderful, but when you get 152 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,680 Speaker 3: to all right, stop and look around, because this might 153 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:29,320 Speaker 3: be as far as you need to go. Okay, all right, Well. 154 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 2: I think we should strive for more than all right. 155 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 2: But I think in your relationship with everything else is great. 156 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 2: And this is a path that y'all haven't even gone 157 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,320 Speaker 2: down in terms of discussing what you like. I think 158 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,680 Speaker 2: you start with that and see if you can get 159 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 2: that craving and chemistry with him. 160 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 3: And also I think that over time in a relationship, 161 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 3: these things can blossom in terms of knowing each other better. Yeah, 162 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 3: and then you're gonna look forward or do it more 163 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 3: because you have that deeper connection that it is formed. 164 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,040 Speaker 2: Well, that was the whole series that Goop did. It 165 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,160 Speaker 2: was basically these couples that were in this like stagnant 166 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 2: place in their relationship. 167 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: The like did like tantric sex stuff. 168 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 4: Yeah, you guys did interview Jaya Sexologist from Sex Love 169 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 4: and Goop on Netflix. 170 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 3: Both of you talked to. 171 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,800 Speaker 4: This was November one. 172 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:29,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, I knew it year great year, Yeah, but spiraling scrubber. 173 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,960 Speaker 2: Start there and then look into your relationship and say, 174 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,920 Speaker 2: am I just comfortable or is this a person I 175 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:41,160 Speaker 2: want to spend my life with? Do you get tingles 176 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 2: in other places in your relationship out of sex? Like 177 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 2: do you get excited to go do things together? Do 178 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 2: you excited to do little things like having a routine 179 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:52,440 Speaker 2: where you make dinner together or watch TV show? 180 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 1: Like? 181 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,280 Speaker 2: Does is there anything in the relationship that excites you 182 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 2: outside of sex? Because if the answer is no, then 183 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,679 Speaker 2: I think you you are ready. You should seek wonderful 184 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,480 Speaker 2: instead of all right, But if you have other areas 185 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 2: where you're like, I am so excited about this part 186 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:11,000 Speaker 2: of our relationship, then this is something I think you 187 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 2: work on and nurture. 188 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 3: Yes, there we go. All right, great, Elle, says Hi Easton, Tanya, Mark, 189 00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:26,480 Speaker 3: and Becca, my best friend introduced me to y'all when 190 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,559 Speaker 3: Tanya first started coming on the podcast. I'd love to 191 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 3: getting to know each of you and appreciate each of 192 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,960 Speaker 3: you showing up for us each week. I just found 193 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,200 Speaker 3: out I'm pregnant for the first time, and yesterday my 194 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:40,000 Speaker 3: doctor told me it's twins. My husband and I instantly 195 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,440 Speaker 3: started laughing out of shock really, but also because we 196 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,640 Speaker 3: always said it was real possibility because they run on 197 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:46,520 Speaker 3: both sides of our families, so of course it happened 198 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:48,840 Speaker 3: to us. We are ecstatic but still in shock. Both 199 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,960 Speaker 3: of our families live across the country. We want fun 200 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 3: ways to share it with them. How would you share 201 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 3: this news or how would you want to be told? Mark? 202 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 3: We may not have the time to tell them in 203 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,400 Speaker 3: person before I start to actually show litt alone. Wanted 204 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,400 Speaker 3: to get this secret out there to them. Ps, Tanya, 205 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,360 Speaker 3: watch out. I may take the twin names Yo and 206 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,480 Speaker 3: y'ah love you guys. 207 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:13,520 Speaker 1: Might I suggest a different name? Tanya and Becca are 208 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,079 Speaker 1: really good girl names. 209 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,480 Speaker 2: Ya ya Tanya yah yah. 210 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: And Cocabecca and yeah yeah, how to tell them as anything? 211 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:30,719 Speaker 1: Jumping out? 212 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:36,880 Speaker 2: What if you had twins deliver things to everybody? Like 213 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,119 Speaker 2: a set of twins deliver flowers? 214 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: What I was thinking, like, do you have a dog 215 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,000 Speaker 1: that can wear a shirt like I'm having sibling twins? 216 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 3: They live across the country. 217 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 1: Send a photo. 218 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:50,200 Speaker 2: Uh. 219 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,520 Speaker 3: For some reason. My TikTok feed right now is a 220 00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 3: lot of this. It's a lot of telling my parents 221 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 3: I'm pregnant and wow, yeah, and it always makes me cry. 222 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,920 Speaker 3: So I think it doesn't really matter. A lot of 223 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:04,880 Speaker 3: the ones I see are them just kind of casually 224 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,319 Speaker 3: working it into conversation, like and man with the baby. 225 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,360 Speaker 3: Next year, we're gonna they're like, yeah, yeah, wait what 226 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,559 Speaker 3: And that's always really a nice moment where you kind 227 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:15,360 Speaker 3: of casually throw it into conversation and everyone has to 228 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 3: figure out what you just said. That's nice. Also, it 229 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,959 Speaker 3: doesn't matter as the day at as the grandpa one day, 230 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:24,200 Speaker 3: it doesn't matter. 231 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,400 Speaker 1: I'm gonna go, yes, I know what you can do. Yeah, okay, 232 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: you can send them all to get the sonograms and 233 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,640 Speaker 1: print off a bunch of them and put them in 234 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,120 Speaker 1: an envelope and send it to all your family that's 235 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,600 Speaker 1: across the country and say I'm sending you a letter. 236 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:41,680 Speaker 1: Please FaceTime me when you get it. That's cue, so 237 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,880 Speaker 1: they FaceTime you say open, don't open it until you 238 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 1: FaceTime me. So you FaceTime it so you can record 239 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 1: the FaceTime and then you can say, okay, open it, 240 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,439 Speaker 1: and then you can get their reaction on video. 241 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 2: Oh this is a I don't hate this, and I 242 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 2: have something to add to it. Add to a baby 243 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,680 Speaker 2: what if on the FaceTime you go, what do you 244 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,720 Speaker 2: think it's gonna be? Because that's the whole thing, like 245 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,760 Speaker 2: do you think it's a boy or girl? And then 246 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 2: they say, oh, I think it's gonna be a boy, 247 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,840 Speaker 2: and and then you go, what about the other one? 248 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 3: Oh? 249 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: God? Yeah, in the sonogram you'll see that there's two 250 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,360 Speaker 1: in there. Don't want you? 251 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know if people don't know, if 252 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:21,319 Speaker 2: they don't immediately study it, it's not easy. I mean 253 00:12:21,679 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 2: I don't think that early on, don't they might if 254 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:27,440 Speaker 2: they have like the baby one, maybe two, or you 255 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,480 Speaker 2: could just call and tell them you're pregnant and then 256 00:12:29,559 --> 00:12:31,360 Speaker 2: do the what do you think it is? And then 257 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 2: they're like oh, and then you're like, what about the 258 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 2: other one? What about the second one? 259 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,000 Speaker 3: I remember what did on our show? She said, I 260 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 3: went in and then and we heard the heartbeat for 261 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,840 Speaker 3: the first time. Yeah, and then we heard the other heartbeat. 262 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:42,400 Speaker 3: And that's. 263 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: Because I knew she was pregnant, but I didn't know 264 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: she was having twins. 265 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 4: Wow. 266 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,920 Speaker 2: You know, and friends when Monica and Chandler's uh, when 267 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 2: they're adopting the babies and it's Anna Faris and she 268 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 2: goes the second, Uh, you don't have much time before 269 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 2: the second one? And they so much time before or what? 270 00:13:03,559 --> 00:13:06,840 Speaker 2: And she goes the doctor said two heartbeats. I thought 271 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:12,000 Speaker 2: he was talking about me and the baby. I love that. 272 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, classic classic. 273 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 3: Hannah has a question. 274 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:20,080 Speaker 2: Hi, congrats l L Y so exciting two. 275 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:24,959 Speaker 3: Babies, yo and y'all yoing y'all, Hannah says, Hi, backa Tanya, 276 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:26,600 Speaker 3: Mark and East. Then, first off, thank you so much 277 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,680 Speaker 3: for the joy, the laughs, and the friendship you share 278 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 3: through the podcast. Every week. My best friend and I 279 00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 3: listen to every episode and discuss them as if we're 280 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,160 Speaker 3: sitting across the table from you, guys and chatting with 281 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,720 Speaker 3: our closest friends. So small. I'm in my early thirties 282 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 3: and I'm dating with the intention of getting married. I 283 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 3: recently decided I want to wait until I'm in a 284 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 3: relationship to be intimate with someone. In the past, I've 285 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,439 Speaker 3: been intimate with guys I was dating early on because 286 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 3: I felt like that was what they wanted and what 287 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,839 Speaker 3: was expected, and when it ended, I felt hurt and 288 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,760 Speaker 3: wished I hadn't done something I wasn't ready for. Recently, 289 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 3: I tried communicating my new boundary to a guy I 290 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,680 Speaker 3: had just started dating. After that, he ended things with 291 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 3: me because he said it was important to him to 292 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,719 Speaker 3: have a strong physical connection with someone before getting into 293 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 3: a relationship. I don't necessarily think this guy's my guy, 294 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:10,440 Speaker 3: but I'm struggling with how to navigate dating intentionally and 295 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 3: respect my boundaries while also feeling like I'm constantly acting 296 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:16,920 Speaker 3: as this gatekeeper of physical intimacy with guys. Would love 297 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,920 Speaker 3: to hear your advice. Love you, and thank you for 298 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:19,440 Speaker 3: all you do. 299 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 1: I mean, I literally did this you did for four 300 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 1: years when I was dating, and I think that you don't. 301 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 1: I think that you can still be physical and intimate 302 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,640 Speaker 1: with somebody without having sex with them. 303 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, but that's a personal like she might not want to, 304 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 2: Like she might just want to kiss or something and 305 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:40,720 Speaker 2: then that be it, because that might still feel like 306 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,120 Speaker 2: giving a part of herself. 307 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:42,720 Speaker 3: I know. 308 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 1: But I'm still I still think that you can be 309 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,120 Speaker 1: physical and intimate and just be like kissing somebody. I 310 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: still I think you can have an very intimate like 311 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 1: kissing session. Was that what you call it? 312 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 2: Makeuh? 313 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, like a little touching and like can't like I 314 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:04,360 Speaker 1: just feel like that it doesn't need to be like, 315 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,960 Speaker 1: there doesn't need to just be nothing physical until there is, 316 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,120 Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? I just like there's 317 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,520 Speaker 1: a lot of gray area. 318 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,080 Speaker 2: Well regardless of where her limits are. How did you 319 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,040 Speaker 2: handle it in terms of telling guys and navigating that 320 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,720 Speaker 2: part of what you were the boundary you were setting. 321 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: I literally never set it as like any sort of stepback. 322 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 1: Like I was just like, oh, like And it's hard 323 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: to say because it kind of comes up naturally, like 324 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 1: in conversation when you're like talking about these types of things, 325 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:36,160 Speaker 1: but I would I remember specifically, it did turn off 326 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,760 Speaker 1: a couple guys, Like I feel like a couple guys. 327 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,800 Speaker 1: One guy never called me back after I said it 328 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 1: to him, but I was just kind of like whatever, Yeah, 329 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,480 Speaker 1: it was not like no skin off my back. 330 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 2: I think the thing is you're doing something that's not typical. 331 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,040 Speaker 2: So the guy that you find that's going to be 332 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 2: your guy isn't going to be a typical guy. 333 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,640 Speaker 3: It's kind of a litmus test, isn't it. Like if 334 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 3: you said that to a guy and he heads for 335 00:15:59,000 --> 00:15:59,880 Speaker 3: the hills, it's not. 336 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,880 Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, I think you're you're set up for 337 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:07,920 Speaker 2: success when you communicate your boundary because anyone who leaves 338 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 2: wasn't worth your time anyway. 339 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think, like it's funny because I remember 340 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,640 Speaker 1: I said it. I remember I told Robbing on our 341 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: first date about my sex thing. And I think it 342 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,480 Speaker 1: was our second date, our second date. 343 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,600 Speaker 3: Was can I tell you about my sex thing? Scary 344 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 3: for him? 345 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 1: I think it was our second date or third day. 346 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,320 Speaker 1: It was one of our early dates, and I had 347 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,360 Speaker 1: him come. He like came into my apartment and we 348 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,440 Speaker 1: like had like this like makeout session on my couch 349 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: and he I remember him saying that, like he was 350 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 1: like totally thrown off because it was like so like 351 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,800 Speaker 1: intimate and like sexual, but like he just wasn't because 352 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: of what I had shared. He just wasn't expecting it, 353 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 1: you know. And so I think that I don't know, 354 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,840 Speaker 1: I just feel like the wrong guys are going to 355 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,520 Speaker 1: be turned off. And that is what it is. Like 356 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 1: you're just gonna you're gonna come in contact with There's 357 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 1: gonna be many There were many guys that didn't want 358 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 1: anything to do with me after they found that out, 359 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 1: And it. 360 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 2: Might be that they have a reaction in terms of like, oh, 361 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,960 Speaker 2: I wasn't expecting that which is okay. I just think 362 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,320 Speaker 2: if they're not willing to respect it or want to 363 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 2: date you with that boundary, then good riddance. 364 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:18,440 Speaker 1: And you're going to find plenty that do I promise? 365 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, my wife told me something similar we're first dating, 366 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,200 Speaker 3: and the fact that I didn't run, I think was 367 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,680 Speaker 3: a sign that I'm, yeah, I worth investing some time in. 368 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 4: This might be a weird comparison, but I was thinking 369 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:30,200 Speaker 4: about how was it van Halen that would ask for 370 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,760 Speaker 4: the brown m and ms. They would ask in their 371 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,560 Speaker 4: tour writer. They'd be in the dressing room, we want 372 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,960 Speaker 4: only brown eminem's. And it wasn't like to be divas. 373 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,240 Speaker 4: It was like, if they're if they get that detail right, 374 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,480 Speaker 4: that means they're reading the whole contract, and that means 375 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,560 Speaker 4: that we can trust that, like everything's going to be 376 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,160 Speaker 4: safe and like done the right way. If they screw 377 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 4: up that detail, who knows what else they're going to 378 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,320 Speaker 4: screw up. And I think that when you maybe I'm 379 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,320 Speaker 4: off here, but I think when. 380 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,840 Speaker 1: You make like it's like a weird comparison. 381 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,159 Speaker 4: And stay with me saying I think that if you say, like, 382 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,920 Speaker 4: this is something that's important to me, and they run 383 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,480 Speaker 4: for the hills, like, oh, who knows what else they 384 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:02,640 Speaker 4: would have not respected? 385 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I think that's a great comparison. You look 386 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,200 Speaker 2: for your brown Eminem's right, that's right. 387 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 1: Okay, there's more. 388 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,000 Speaker 2: We have a did I self sabotage? 389 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:18,840 Speaker 3: Sabotage. 390 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:39,120 Speaker 2: We're going to take a break first, all right, this 391 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 2: is this is a sad title because I I'm already 392 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 2: anticipating something unfortunate. 393 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,000 Speaker 3: Well, it's anonymous, she says. Hi, Tanya, Becka Easton, and Mark. 394 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,400 Speaker 3: I'm a Day one listener and I love you all 395 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,800 Speaker 3: in your perspective so much. I'm a Tanya through and through, 396 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 3: So keep that in mind for this doozy of an email. Recently, 397 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,439 Speaker 3: I started dating a guy. He seemed like an answered prayer. 398 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,360 Speaker 3: He checked off so many boxes. He's thirty five, twenty nine. 399 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:06,400 Speaker 3: I've never been in a relationship, only talking in situationships. 400 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,840 Speaker 3: He had gotten out of a relationship two years ago 401 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 3: and mentioned that it didn't end well, so I think 402 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,359 Speaker 3: he was a bit gunshy for a relationship. We were 403 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,199 Speaker 3: dating for two months, one on eight dates, but his 404 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,360 Speaker 3: texting was awful. It would take him days to respond 405 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 3: to me. He went away in vacation for a week. 406 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,359 Speaker 3: From midweek. I asked how it was going, and he 407 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,480 Speaker 3: didn't respond till he was back, which I understood, but 408 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,160 Speaker 3: we were texting for the next few days. He sent 409 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,639 Speaker 3: me some photos from the vacation, et cetera, so I 410 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 3: playfully asked when he wanted to see me again, and crickets. 411 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,600 Speaker 3: At this point, I was just annoyed by the consistent 412 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 3: inconsistency for two months, so I tended to tech. I 413 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,320 Speaker 3: said the text basically saying I like spending time with you, 414 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,600 Speaker 3: but not being respond to you for days doesn't feel 415 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 3: great for me. I want something serious. If you don't, 416 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,720 Speaker 3: that's fine, but if so, let's figure out what works 417 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,320 Speaker 3: for us. Maybe he really hates texting, so I was 418 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:57,800 Speaker 3: trying to find a solution. I got nothing, no response, ghosted. 419 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 3: I thought maybe he thought I was so I said 420 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,399 Speaker 3: to one line text saying that was not meant to 421 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 3: be ending things. Just wanted to have a conversation about expectations. 422 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,280 Speaker 3: So if that came off differently, it wasn't my intent. 423 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,000 Speaker 3: My question is should I have not said anything? Did 424 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,399 Speaker 3: I self sabotage? Do I have to play hard to 425 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,680 Speaker 3: get to find someone to love? 426 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 4: Me. 427 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,159 Speaker 3: I'm a lover girl, and I want to show the 428 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,639 Speaker 3: people that I care about them, and I want that 429 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 3: to be reciprocated. I'm just exhausted. Do I have to 430 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,359 Speaker 3: change who I am to get a guy to chase me? 431 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 3: Thank you for reading my email. I value your opinions 432 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,399 Speaker 3: and I love you all for being you and the 433 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 3: community that you've built. 434 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:36,959 Speaker 2: I could just be I could just multiple texts clarifying things. 435 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 2: Isn't this isn't your guy? Nope, here's the thing. Do 436 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,680 Speaker 2: you have to play hard to get? No? I don't 437 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 2: think that's the case. But I also remember, specifically, like 438 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,840 Speaker 2: when Tanya and Robbie were dating, when he was still 439 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:50,920 Speaker 2: kind of they were not. 440 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:55,000 Speaker 1: Hard to get with him. Whatever you do, I'm like, here, 441 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 1: I am on a silver platter. 442 00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:59,160 Speaker 2: I know, and you did, but he didn't. He wasn't 443 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,359 Speaker 2: immediately like trying to lock you down to be his 444 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 2: girlfriend until you went on another date and opened yourself 445 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:09,960 Speaker 2: up to exploring other options. Yes, And I think that 446 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,159 Speaker 2: that kind of falls into the category of hard to 447 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 2: get because you're basically saying I'm not just even though 448 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 2: you were, I'm not just here for you to make 449 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,800 Speaker 2: your decision, like I'm gonna I'm not gonna sit here 450 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 2: and wait for you to want to lock me down. 451 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,639 Speaker 2: I'm gonna go and and explore other options, even though 452 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 2: you were very locked in on Robbie. 453 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,600 Speaker 1: Yeah. But I was also very transparent about it. I 454 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,880 Speaker 1: wasn't like playing games. I wasn't like no, no, no. 455 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 1: I was very upfront with him. I was like, Okay, 456 00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:38,440 Speaker 1: if you don't want to be in an exclusive relationship, 457 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 1: that's fine, I'm gonna start dating other people. And I did. 458 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:47,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I hated it. My advice to you, Anonymous, 459 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,920 Speaker 2: is this is not your guy. He doesn't seem mature 460 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 2: enough to even have a conversation with you, which is 461 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 2: so rude beyond like, sure, maybe your multiple texts freaked 462 00:21:58,119 --> 00:21:59,959 Speaker 2: him out a little bit, like let's just be on 463 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,040 Speaker 2: as it could have very well been that, but also 464 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:06,040 Speaker 2: he owes you a conversation, and this is not your guy, 465 00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,640 Speaker 2: because your guy, even if he was freaked out, he'd 466 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,760 Speaker 2: be like hey, sorry, Like I got a little overwhelmed 467 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,640 Speaker 2: by the text, but I wanted to take a few 468 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:15,720 Speaker 2: days to think about it. 469 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 1: I believe you cannot say the wrong thing to the 470 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,600 Speaker 1: right person. I believe it. 471 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:28,080 Speaker 2: Sorry, No, that's what I'm saying. I think that if 472 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:32,160 Speaker 2: this was her guy, he wouldn't have just ghosted her. 473 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,160 Speaker 1: I had so much verbal diarrhea in the early days 474 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,879 Speaker 1: with every guy that I dated. There was no holding 475 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:39,320 Speaker 1: me back. 476 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:45,280 Speaker 2: Well, Sierra was kind of texting for you, so we 477 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,240 Speaker 2: hooked Robbie through Sierra's game. 478 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,400 Speaker 1: Okay, fair, but I took over it in person. At 479 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,880 Speaker 1: some point you did. I don't know how far you had. 480 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 2: To get help. 481 00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,639 Speaker 3: You was at the table behind you whispering things to 482 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:56,400 Speaker 3: say to him, if. 483 00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 2: I recall right, and that would be so sad anonymous. 484 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:09,399 Speaker 2: You deserve someone who can have a conversation and ease 485 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:18,000 Speaker 2: your anxiety and anxiousness. I guess that's anxiety around this situation. 486 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 2: You deserve someone who is upfront with you and can 487 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,800 Speaker 2: be direct and also wants to talk to you and 488 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,200 Speaker 2: wants to hear from you, and this guy is not it. 489 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,560 Speaker 3: I agree, when you find the right guy, it will 490 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 3: be easy. 491 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 2: And d Yeah. 492 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,080 Speaker 3: Hi Beg a tiny Eastern and Mark, my best friend 493 00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 3: of eighteen years, who considered more like a sister, has 494 00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,359 Speaker 3: been married for seven years as two sweet little girls 495 00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:44,199 Speaker 3: with her husband. Last summer, he found out that she 496 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,440 Speaker 3: had been talking to her ex boyfriend for a little while, 497 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,239 Speaker 3: nothing ever happened. They live in separate countries, but they 498 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 3: were texting and calling. Her husband found out that I 499 00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 3: knew she was talking to him, and now refuses to 500 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,880 Speaker 3: let her hang out with me, and it's a fight 501 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,520 Speaker 3: every time she wants to. My best friend and I 502 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,240 Speaker 3: have hung out a couple times since then, but she's 503 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,200 Speaker 3: explained to me he does not want her to be 504 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,320 Speaker 3: friends with me or want me around their daughters. I 505 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:08,200 Speaker 3: ask every couple of months to get dinner or a 506 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 3: drink for this, I was an excuse not to. I've 507 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:13,080 Speaker 3: always liked him, We've gotten along. We'd have double dates 508 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,480 Speaker 3: and game nights with my boyfriend tagging along. I've always 509 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 3: asked my best friend to ask him if he would 510 00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:21,440 Speaker 3: chat with me directly, but he says no. He thinks 511 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,320 Speaker 3: I should have told him about the X when I 512 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,880 Speaker 3: found out, and maybe I should have, But my loyalty 513 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,720 Speaker 3: is to my best friend. I miss her and the 514 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 3: girl so much and can't imagine going through life without them. 515 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,160 Speaker 3: Should I reach out to him directly? Should I keep 516 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,399 Speaker 3: reaching out to her? What do I do? Thank you 517 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 3: for bringing so much joy? Love? And laughter too. My 518 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,040 Speaker 3: life every week. I love you guys in this podcast 519 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:40,640 Speaker 3: so much. 520 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 2: Oh. I was gonna say she should have a conversation 521 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 2: with him, but he doesn't want to. 522 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,520 Speaker 1: But that's all you can do, I think your I 523 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,080 Speaker 1: think all you can do is reach out to him 524 00:24:51,119 --> 00:24:53,359 Speaker 1: and keep reaching out to him, and that's like the 525 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,480 Speaker 1: best that you can do. I don't think she can 526 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,160 Speaker 1: keep going through her best friend. Clearly he doesn't want 527 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 1: to hear it that if. 528 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 2: He won't talk to I think she should reach out 529 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,720 Speaker 2: to him and see and be like, can we please talk? 530 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 2: Like I want to have a conversation with you, and 531 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:13,280 Speaker 2: you know it be like a direct conversation. And if 532 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 2: he doesn't respond, I think you should. I would send 533 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,200 Speaker 2: a text and just like say what I would need 534 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,600 Speaker 2: to say, because that would drive me so crazy. 535 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:26,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, or send him an email an email apologize for. 536 00:25:26,119 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 2: Like yeah, like yeah, maybe or whatever put me in 537 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,880 Speaker 2: a bad spot, but my loyalty is to her. 538 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,879 Speaker 1: Like I'll regret it forever, like I don't know whatever, 539 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 1: or just like apologize and say I really miss your 540 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:41,080 Speaker 1: girls and like whatever. Yeah, like I but you can't ford. 541 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 1: I mean, he's clearly hurting and I think time heals. 542 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:49,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, he's hurting and might not know how to handle 543 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,919 Speaker 2: it in the most productive or mature way. But I 544 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,920 Speaker 2: think that you have a chance to at least send 545 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:58,399 Speaker 2: something that shares your side. 546 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:02,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's an interestingynamic I've seen in relationships over the years. 547 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:07,600 Speaker 3: When a partner feels betrayed by their partner, it's hard 548 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,840 Speaker 3: for them to put all of that on the partner 549 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,399 Speaker 3: because they have to continue this marriage relationship, and so 550 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 3: they find someone else to be the scapegoat. Yeah, and 551 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,080 Speaker 3: so he's putting all of this feeling of her. I 552 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 3: don't know if she betrayed her or what he feels betrayed. 553 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 3: He's putting all of that in the best friend who 554 00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:24,000 Speaker 3: really had very little to do with it, but knew 555 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 3: about it. So she has become the face of this 556 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,600 Speaker 3: issue in their marriage. And I don't know that he's 557 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,439 Speaker 3: going to get past that. But how many times have 558 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 3: you seen that, Like a guy cheats and the wife 559 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 3: forgives the husband, but she's never going to forgive that 560 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,560 Speaker 3: woman that he's slept with, that monster, you know. But 561 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,639 Speaker 3: they were equally responsible, obviously, But that happens. It's like 562 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,520 Speaker 3: a coping mechanism if this marriage is going to continue, 563 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,800 Speaker 3: I have to forgive her, so I got to move 564 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,160 Speaker 3: that to someone else. So, I mean it's kind of sad. 565 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:50,479 Speaker 3: I don't know how you get past it. 566 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,359 Speaker 1: You just got to keep trying keep chip chip chipping away. 567 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it might not it might not ever 568 00:26:58,119 --> 00:26:59,440 Speaker 2: be at a place that you wanted to be at. 569 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 2: But I think if you can just like apologize to 570 00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:05,480 Speaker 2: him and get it on out, whether it's in a 571 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:09,000 Speaker 2: conversation or email or whatever, I think that's that will 572 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,960 Speaker 2: be as much as you can do about the situation. 573 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:19,520 Speaker 3: Sorry, that sucks, all right. We have one more and 574 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 3: it's about a mother in law issue, and those are 575 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 3: those are fraught. The wife mother in law relationship is 576 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 3: fascinating and we'll get to that next. 577 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:49,200 Speaker 2: In law drama. In law drama, I'm coming. 578 00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:53,560 Speaker 3: Dear Becca, Tanya Mark and Easton. I met my husband 579 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,600 Speaker 3: in college in the Midwest over ten years ago. We've 580 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,040 Speaker 3: been married for six years, two young children, three and one. 581 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,440 Speaker 3: We moved to my home on the Ghost in twenty seventeen. 582 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,600 Speaker 3: My husband and I've been arguing a lot later about 583 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:07,720 Speaker 3: visiting his home more often. Here's the situation. Our children 584 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:11,120 Speaker 3: are both very young flying is expensive, and his mother 585 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,200 Speaker 3: and I do not get along. She's caused a lot 586 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,760 Speaker 3: of hurt and anxiety. She's very opinionated, and ever since 587 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 3: we've had children, we just don't do well around each other. 588 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:20,960 Speaker 3: It's gotten so bad with her that I told my 589 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:23,199 Speaker 3: husband she can no longer stay with us when she visits. 590 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 3: We live in a small apartment. Her negative energy takes 591 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,360 Speaker 3: up so much space in this home. Now she won't 592 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,880 Speaker 3: fly out here because she wants to stay with us. Financially, 593 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,080 Speaker 3: she can't afford it. My issue is not flying out 594 00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,040 Speaker 3: to visit his family. My issue is how long my 595 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:40,000 Speaker 3: husband wants to go. He said a minimum of two weeks. 596 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,560 Speaker 3: I don't have the kind of vacation time I've been 597 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,080 Speaker 3: going for that long with young kids. It's fair to 598 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,640 Speaker 3: them and their schedules either. I've encouraged him to take 599 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,920 Speaker 3: as long as he wants out there. That makes him happy, 600 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 3: but he says he doesn't want to go without all 601 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,760 Speaker 3: of us. Please help, love, love, love you all start 602 00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,040 Speaker 3: listening in twenty twenty. Thank you for all you do 603 00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:58,520 Speaker 3: for creating such an amazing scrubbing in community. 604 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:01,760 Speaker 2: Hmmm, that's so hard. 605 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,120 Speaker 3: It is hard because that's the compromise, and we've done 606 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,880 Speaker 3: that in my marriage. I don't have three weeks off. 607 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,360 Speaker 3: But you want to go see every cousin, every nuncle. Great, 608 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,440 Speaker 3: you go, bring the kids first week, I'll join you 609 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,280 Speaker 3: after a couple of weeks. That's the compromise. He goes 610 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:17,080 Speaker 3: by himself for a week and then you join him, yeah, 611 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:20,480 Speaker 3: or whatever. So the fact that he's so digging in 612 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:22,320 Speaker 3: his heels over this, I don't know what you mean. 613 00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:24,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, but I also feel like she's digging in her 614 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 1: heels over the fact that, like she doesn't get along 615 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,600 Speaker 1: with the mother in law, she doesn't want to two. 616 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 3: Weeks if she doesn't have the vacation time. 617 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 1: No, I know, I agree, but I feel like she 618 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 1: doesn't want to go at all. 619 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,120 Speaker 2: I think I think the compromise is he goes like 620 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:41,360 Speaker 2: you do, Mark. I think it's he goes spends time 621 00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:43,120 Speaker 2: with them, it takes the kids. If he wants to 622 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:43,920 Speaker 2: take that one. 623 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, he probably doesn't want to. 624 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 2: She can give him that option. 625 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:50,040 Speaker 1: Yeah. 626 00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:54,560 Speaker 2: And then so when she has for the amount of 627 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,840 Speaker 2: vacation time she has, she can file to meet them. 628 00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,760 Speaker 1: Yeah. I also think too, like this is even though 629 00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:01,840 Speaker 1: you don't get along like this is his mom, she 630 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,960 Speaker 1: is your mother, and married it to this family forever, 631 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,040 Speaker 1: And I think you have to, Like what I've realized 632 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,320 Speaker 1: is you have people are gonna be like, take people 633 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,280 Speaker 1: as they are. People are going to be the way 634 00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:14,680 Speaker 1: that they are. You have to just accept it and 635 00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: not let it affect you. That's like the whole trick 636 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,760 Speaker 1: of life, is what I'm realizing, is like people are 637 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 1: going to be how they are. You just can't let 638 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:24,240 Speaker 1: it affect and impact you. 639 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, but there's people in your life who act a 640 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:32,040 Speaker 2: certain way and it affects you. What do you mean, 641 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:35,000 Speaker 2: like if you're around them, like their energy affects you. 642 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, but this is this is this is his her, 643 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,400 Speaker 1: this is her husband's mother. 644 00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,720 Speaker 2: I know, but it's and it sucks that it that 645 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:48,560 Speaker 2: this is the relationship. But it's it's easy to just like, 646 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,880 Speaker 2: don't let it affect you, but it it clearly does. 647 00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:54,000 Speaker 2: Like if you're going and staying in someone's house and 648 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,320 Speaker 2: you were just like butting heads with them the whole time, 649 00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,560 Speaker 2: and like everything you told the kids to do or 650 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,400 Speaker 2: they challenged you on it or whatever it was, would 651 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:05,960 Speaker 2: I have you crazy? But I agree? I mean, you 652 00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 2: married into his family and that's like when you get married. 653 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 2: That's that's part of it. Yeah, and I think that 654 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:18,200 Speaker 2: whether it's like y'all get a hotel and and so 655 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,320 Speaker 2: you have a little separation from it of like you're 656 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,920 Speaker 2: making the effort to go visit, but you know that's 657 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:27,400 Speaker 2: more money and it might cause drama. But it seems 658 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:29,360 Speaker 2: like the drama's already there. Like if she can't stay 659 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,120 Speaker 2: at the house when she comes to visit, I don't 660 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:32,920 Speaker 2: think her staying in a hotel would be like a 661 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:33,719 Speaker 2: breaking point. 662 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:35,600 Speaker 1: Yeah. 663 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:37,239 Speaker 3: Yeah, you do have to suck it up as far 664 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:38,680 Speaker 3: as the bomb goes. I mean, I get her not 665 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,320 Speaker 3: staying with you. I mean that's a lot, but that's 666 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:42,560 Speaker 3: also a tough thing to bring up. 667 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:45,200 Speaker 1: Yeahad to see you. 668 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 2: Like, it's kind of like if you've got through that hump, 669 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:51,960 Speaker 2: then you should be able to go and just book 670 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,160 Speaker 2: a hotel and stay. 671 00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:58,560 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, friction disconnect here. Yeah, So man, matter. 672 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,320 Speaker 1: Like babysit the kids, like you go take time. 673 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:07,120 Speaker 2: Some point if you're feeling brave, have a conversation about 674 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 2: the tension and why it's there and what you can do. 675 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,160 Speaker 1: Because you're both a relationship better, you're both gonna be 676 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:13,080 Speaker 1: with each other forever. 677 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:17,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's like have a conversation of like, what 678 00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 2: can I do to to make this better? 679 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:20,200 Speaker 3: Yeah? 680 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,240 Speaker 1: I agree, but good. 681 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,720 Speaker 2: Luck anonymous thinking of you. That's very hard. 682 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 1: Yeah. 683 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:33,440 Speaker 2: If y'all ever have any emails, advice success that you 684 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:37,440 Speaker 2: want to share with us, dms on Instagram at scrubbing 685 00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:40,200 Speaker 2: in pot or email us at scrubbing in at iHeartMedia 686 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 2: dot com. We love hearing from you. We love our 687 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,760 Speaker 2: Dear Bonnie episodes. 688 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:48,720 Speaker 1: Ask us anything anything, and if. 689 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:51,000 Speaker 2: Like even if you're just telling us something that you 690 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,320 Speaker 2: like want to be celebrated for and you need some 691 00:32:54,440 --> 00:33:00,400 Speaker 2: like celebrated words, come to us. Yeah, celebrate you. 692 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,800 Speaker 3: You just got out of a toxic relationship. You finally 693 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,040 Speaker 3: got up the nerve to just end it. 694 00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:11,040 Speaker 2: Good for you that tell us about it. Yeah, we 695 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:13,800 Speaker 2: love you so much. Have a wonderful weekend. To be 696 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:14,800 Speaker 2: continuous