WEBVTT - Is It Just Us, Or Do Waiters Ask You This Question? 0:00:02.270 --> 0:00:05.470 Hey there folks, it is Monday, September 7th. It is 0:00:05.630 --> 0:00:08.800 Labor Day and this is not the episode we planned 0:00:09.460 --> 0:00:12.820 to record. But we're doing it now because Robes is 0:00:12.860 --> 0:00:19.290 really fired up about something. Something that waiters ask us 0:00:19.480 --> 0:00:24.950 at the end of our meal that really pisses her off. 0:00:25.550 --> 0:00:27.650 And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and 0:00:27.690 --> 0:00:30.200 TJ Robes. Tell them, tell them all, tell them the 0:00:30.210 --> 0:00:33.140 question we get that for whatever reason we'll get into 0:00:34.140 --> 0:00:35.320 just kind of irks you. 0:00:36.540 --> 0:00:39.800 It doesn't just kind of irk me. It definitely bothers me. 0:00:39.860 --> 0:00:44.600 And I'm not assigning any sort of malintent behind the question. 0:00:45.140 --> 0:00:47.519 But my God, it sticks out like a sore thumb. 0:00:47.700 --> 0:00:50.070 Why? Go ahead. What is it? You can tell folks. 0:00:51.830 --> 0:00:53.730 Well, I'm trying to think exactly how they word it. 0:00:54.340 --> 0:00:58.500 But you offer them one credit card and say, could 0:00:58.540 --> 0:01:01.660 we get a bill? And then they look at you 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:04.060 offering them a single card and say, would you like 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:07.750 this on two separate checks? A version of that. Would 0:01:07.780 --> 0:01:11.410 you like this separated into two? And I look at 0:01:11.470 --> 0:01:14.970 them and I think, is that an actual joke? You 0:01:15.010 --> 0:01:18.790 didn't say, can we split the bill? You didn't say, hey, 0:01:19.090 --> 0:01:23.030 can we have our check split? You say, can we 0:01:23.069 --> 0:01:26.209 get the bill? And you actually always have a credit 0:01:26.230 --> 0:01:28.560 card ready and you show it to them. And they 0:01:28.590 --> 0:01:30.060 look at me and they say, would you like to 0:01:30.080 --> 0:01:30.620 split the bill? 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:37.160 Okay. So this happens, and let's give the count. We 0:01:37.180 --> 0:01:40.320 kind of negotiated what we think the number of times 0:01:40.360 --> 0:01:42.830 this is. But you and I eat out quite a bit. 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:45.160 I mean, at least once a day, let's be honest. 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:45.760 That's true. 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:48.380 At least. That's actually kind of embarrassing to admit, but 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:48.940 it's true. 0:01:48.980 --> 0:01:50.500 We're in a restaurant once a day. 0:01:50.660 --> 0:01:50.960 We are. 0:01:50.980 --> 0:01:51.580 Sometimes twice. 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:51.880 Sometimes. 0:01:51.920 --> 0:01:54.000 And if you get just on some days, it might 0:01:54.060 --> 0:01:54.820 be three times. 0:01:56.100 --> 0:01:58.860 That's really embarrassing to admit, but- No, why? It's fine. 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:01.059 Because we're in New York City, and it's like, how 0:02:01.080 --> 0:02:04.540 could you possibly get- It's convenient, and you could not 0:02:04.660 --> 0:02:07.810 possibly get better food. Like, it's the best of the best. 0:02:07.890 --> 0:02:09.210 Okay. Then there it is. 0:02:09.340 --> 0:02:09.650 Okay. 0:02:09.889 --> 0:02:13.040 But, okay, so we're out quite a bit. So we 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:15.220 are saying quite a bit to a waiter, can we 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:18.880 get our check? So we're trying to decide how often 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:21.160 it happens. Now, it happened the other day. Damn, what 0:02:21.260 --> 0:02:21.880 restaurant was it? 0:02:22.190 --> 0:02:22.480 Damn it. 0:02:23.530 --> 0:02:26.190 Damn it, Rome. So was it. This just happened. It 0:02:26.230 --> 0:02:26.770 was yesterday. 0:02:26.810 --> 0:02:27.750 It was yesterday. 0:02:27.910 --> 0:02:30.350 Where were we? Oh, my God. It matters not. 0:02:30.410 --> 0:02:34.010 The point being is, I would say, initially, look, we 0:02:34.030 --> 0:02:35.570 have our restaurants that are our go-tos. 0:02:35.790 --> 0:02:36.460 They know us. 0:02:36.470 --> 0:02:39.859 Obviously. Obviously, it wouldn't happen there. But in restaurants that 0:02:39.919 --> 0:02:43.010 we are first-timers in. Yes. Yes. Which is a couple 0:02:43.030 --> 0:02:46.940 times a week. I initially said 50% of the time. 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:48.299 That's what it felt like to me. 0:02:49.180 --> 0:02:51.600 And you know what? I want to believe it's been less. 0:02:52.320 --> 0:02:54.640 You might still be right. But it's 40. It's 35. 0:02:54.620 --> 0:02:55.840 We landed between 30 and 40%. 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:57.359 Okay. That's a high percentage. 0:03:00.020 --> 0:03:04.540 Regardless okay so what does that suggest robes it suggests 0:03:04.919 --> 0:03:08.280 if someone asks that they believe we are not then 0:03:08.300 --> 0:03:11.340 a couple okay correct so what's the big deal what 0:03:11.430 --> 0:03:14.810 what who cares why is that a problem okay why 0:03:14.870 --> 0:03:18.550 is that offensive even to you that people see us 0:03:18.669 --> 0:03:20.690 maybe they don't see how we're interacting i don't know 0:03:20.750 --> 0:03:22.570 babe so you please take. 0:03:22.450 --> 0:03:25.190 The mic All I can tell you is I started 0:03:25.400 --> 0:03:28.660 to organically notice it and notice it and notice it. 0:03:28.740 --> 0:03:31.860 And it started to bother me more and more and 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:35.950 more each time because. We come in together. We're laughing. 0:03:36.570 --> 0:03:40.150 We're fairly effusive. I think anyone who has ever been 0:03:40.270 --> 0:03:46.130 in our presence can see the love, the compatibility, the fun, 0:03:46.150 --> 0:03:49.650 and maybe we like each other too much. Maybe that's 0:03:49.690 --> 0:03:51.750 why they don't think we're a couple, but that's too 0:03:51.770 --> 0:03:53.500 much of a pass, so I'm not actually going to 0:03:53.510 --> 0:03:57.680 give that. That was a bad attempt at humor. But 0:03:58.300 --> 0:04:02.100 the point being is I have never in my life. 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:02.360 All right. 0:04:02.700 --> 0:04:06.630 Been with a white counterpart, whether I was on a 0:04:06.690 --> 0:04:10.890 date or in a relationship or not, where that white 0:04:11.010 --> 0:04:14.670 man said, can we have the bill and had a 0:04:14.790 --> 0:04:19.570 credit card? And the waiter asks, can I split the 0:04:19.589 --> 0:04:23.150 bill or do you need the bill split? I've never 0:04:23.610 --> 0:04:28.860 once in my life ever been questioned. Like I obviously, 0:04:28.900 --> 0:04:30.720 if you say, can we have the bill split? That's 0:04:30.779 --> 0:04:32.810 one thing. But I have never had a waiter assume 0:04:32.930 --> 0:04:35.320 or even after an offer is made to pay the bill, 0:04:35.900 --> 0:04:39.140 the waiter then asks the question, can I split the 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:42.099 bill for you? So the assumption that we're not together 0:04:42.600 --> 0:04:45.380 is so often that it, yes, it kind of blows 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:47.520 my mind and it starts to annoy me. 0:04:47.660 --> 0:04:50.610 Why is it annoying to you that folks don't assume 0:04:50.650 --> 0:04:51.070 we're together? 0:04:51.230 --> 0:04:53.790 Because there's no recognition that we could be. And I 0:04:53.830 --> 0:04:56.870 think that's an inherent form of racism. I don't think 0:04:56.930 --> 0:04:59.610 anyone means anything by it. I don't think anyone is 0:04:59.670 --> 0:05:02.409 intending harm by it. But I just think it's an 0:05:02.470 --> 0:05:06.310 exposure and a way to take a look back like, wow, 0:05:06.850 --> 0:05:09.170 I wouldn't have thought they were together. 0:05:09.250 --> 0:05:09.589 Why? 0:05:09.610 --> 0:05:13.110 Because we're not the same age? No. Do we look 0:05:13.150 --> 0:05:15.550 like we could be together? I would say yes. The 0:05:15.770 --> 0:05:18.790 only reason why we might not be a couple is 0:05:18.830 --> 0:05:21.190 because you're black and I'm white. And I get it. 0:05:21.589 --> 0:05:24.100 But after a certain point, when it happens over and 0:05:24.190 --> 0:05:28.400 over and over again, it's hard not to feel offended. 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:31.080 I know they don't mean anything by it. And you're 0:05:31.120 --> 0:05:32.700 laughing at me because this is the first time I'm 0:05:32.730 --> 0:05:35.029 like a white person. But I actually just got a 0:05:35.130 --> 0:05:38.450 taste of, wow, to be viewed through a lens that 0:05:38.490 --> 0:05:41.070 is so not what you're actually looking at. 0:05:41.230 --> 0:05:46.630 It's weird. And I listened to you because I would 0:05:46.690 --> 0:05:50.229 defer because you're the only one here that has dated 0:05:50.270 --> 0:05:52.450 a white man before. You're the only one that knows 0:05:52.490 --> 0:05:54.180 what it's like to show up to a restaurant as 0:05:54.210 --> 0:05:56.880 a white couple. So I will defer to you and 0:05:56.900 --> 0:05:59.940 what your experience has been. I will defer to you 0:06:00.060 --> 0:06:04.400 and respect when you say this is a unique experience. Now, 0:06:06.060 --> 0:06:09.659 what else could we attribute it to? Is there anything? 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:12.640 I'm trying to clear the slate. I'm trying to make 0:06:12.690 --> 0:06:16.710 sure I'm not missing something else about us and our 0:06:16.750 --> 0:06:20.650 appearance and how we behave and how we are that 0:06:20.710 --> 0:06:26.480 would suggest to 40% of waiters that that we might 0:06:26.540 --> 0:06:28.010 not be on the same bill. 0:06:28.420 --> 0:06:30.500 No, the only other thing you would assume is we're 0:06:30.620 --> 0:06:32.600 coworkers or we're friends. 0:06:33.140 --> 0:06:33.640 Which we are. 0:06:34.240 --> 0:06:36.820 We were both of those, and we were all of 0:06:36.839 --> 0:06:37.279 those things. 0:06:37.300 --> 0:06:39.040 We remain both of those things, by the way. 0:06:39.060 --> 0:06:43.560 That actually is true. Okay. But, no, if you were 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:46.660 white or I were black, I don't think they would ask, 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:49.800 can we split the bill for you? After you ask 0:06:49.900 --> 0:06:52.840 for the bill, and do not say, can we take 0:06:52.880 --> 0:06:53.620 a look at the receipt? 0:06:53.760 --> 0:06:54.360 Or you don't even. 0:06:54.850 --> 0:06:59.130 acknowledge that there needs to be any sort of questioning 0:06:59.190 --> 0:07:01.750 of who has the bill who's looking at the bill 0:07:02.570 --> 0:07:05.839 no that i've never experienced that before and there's no 0:07:06.020 --> 0:07:10.740 other thing i don't believe that differentiates us from being 0:07:10.800 --> 0:07:14.880 a couple we and again and i guess people don't 0:07:14.900 --> 0:07:16.800 pay that much attention but if you took two seconds 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:19.300 to look at us i think it's pretty clear we're 0:07:19.340 --> 0:07:23.440 more than friends right i mean wouldn't you think that's 0:07:23.490 --> 0:07:24.489 a fair thing to say. 0:07:25.490 --> 0:07:29.120 Okay, then, babe, what are we talking about? Okay, how 0:07:29.140 --> 0:07:32.540 about this? Can you go back to a time... This 0:07:32.620 --> 0:07:37.260 is a tough ask. Any time, other than if you're 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:40.480 with a girlfriend or a group of girlfriends, that you've 0:07:40.500 --> 0:07:43.790 been asked that question out at dinner about splitting a check? 0:07:44.270 --> 0:07:48.010 No, I actually don't. It's only when I have asked 0:07:48.210 --> 0:07:51.830 to split a check. I always feel like waiters defer 0:07:51.910 --> 0:07:54.610 and are hoping... that you don't split the check. That's 0:07:54.650 --> 0:07:57.070 an annoying thing for a waiter typically to have to do. 0:07:57.190 --> 0:07:59.690 So yeah, I always feel bad if I do have 0:07:59.710 --> 0:08:01.370 to ask to the point where when I've been with 0:08:01.410 --> 0:08:04.350 a group of girlfriends, one of us usually says, I 0:08:04.790 --> 0:08:06.860 got it. Y'all can just Venmo me, whatever you think, 0:08:06.920 --> 0:08:08.440 because we don't want to put it on the waiter. 0:08:08.860 --> 0:08:10.780 It is an extra step a waiter has to take. 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:15.000 That is why I am blown away when we don't 0:08:15.140 --> 0:08:19.360 ask for or even suggest that we might even consider 0:08:19.460 --> 0:08:22.790 two separate checks, that they offer it, that they question 0:08:23.500 --> 0:08:24.420 us being together. 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.040 But why is it that irksome to you that people 0:08:27.100 --> 0:08:29.220 just don't make the assumption? I know you don't, there's 0:08:29.260 --> 0:08:31.160 no malintent. You don't, you're not suggesting that. 0:08:31.180 --> 0:08:31.820 I'm not suggesting that. 0:08:31.840 --> 0:08:34.420 But why does that irk you that people see us 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:38.660 and jump to a different conclusion other than what they 0:08:38.679 --> 0:08:41.939 would normally jump to if a couple walks into a 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:47.380 restaurant at 1230 on a Sunday and for brunch and 0:08:47.570 --> 0:08:51.370 order bottomless mimosas, and they're touching hands at the table 0:08:51.450 --> 0:08:53.950 and laughing and having a good time and seem of 0:08:54.050 --> 0:08:59.070 similar age, and one has an engagement ring on. Now, what, sweetheart, 0:09:00.070 --> 0:09:03.530 could possibly, what is it, is that I'm trying to 0:09:03.630 --> 0:09:07.110 leave room for looking at us and going, why would 0:09:07.150 --> 0:09:07.910 I assume they're together? 0:09:09.260 --> 0:09:12.780 It just makes me sad that it seems so out 0:09:12.820 --> 0:09:16.140 of the ordinary that they would have to question or 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:19.449 they didn't feel comfortable assuming we were together. 0:09:20.610 --> 0:09:26.990 Ah, you've hit on something else. That's different. Okay. Okay. 0:09:27.090 --> 0:09:30.950 That's different. Ah, we finally get around to it. I'm 0:09:31.010 --> 0:09:36.320 seeing in the reverse now. They're so bothered about possibly 0:09:36.420 --> 0:09:40.770 making a mistake. that they err on the side of 0:09:40.830 --> 0:09:41.550 more safety? 0:09:42.090 --> 0:09:42.550 I guess. 0:09:43.660 --> 0:09:46.600 It's a mistake. How awkward would it be to assume 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:48.060 these two are together and they're not? 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:54.070 That that would be worse than assuming they are together. Yes, 0:09:54.350 --> 0:09:58.970 there's something that just... Look, again, I know there's no malintent, 0:09:58.990 --> 0:10:00.720 but there's something about it that makes me... me so 0:10:00.860 --> 0:10:04.179 sad that we're so afraid to assume that that could 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:07.000 actually be a thing. That they could actually be together. 0:10:07.020 --> 0:10:10.300 Bros, interracial couples are not some new idea. 0:10:10.380 --> 0:10:12.940 No, but we are still rare. Even in New York City... 0:10:12.860 --> 0:10:15.640 Not that... I'm telling you. I've asked you. Take a look. 0:10:15.700 --> 0:10:16.120 Count. 0:10:16.700 --> 0:10:21.900 They... Even in New York City... It is still a rarity. 0:10:22.020 --> 0:10:24.740 It is still a rarity to see an interracial couple. 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:27.559 It just is. And I will say that I think 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:30.460 there is a fear of assumption. Like, I wouldn't want 0:10:30.480 --> 0:10:33.520 to presume maybe that'll make everybody feel awkward. I just 0:10:33.540 --> 0:10:37.990 think it's like a glaring example of this fear we 0:10:38.050 --> 0:10:42.189 all have of just saying it's okay and normalizing it. 0:10:42.210 --> 0:10:45.130 And that just makes me sad. And look, it doesn't 0:10:45.190 --> 0:10:48.699 just happen in restaurants anymore. It happens when we walk 0:10:48.860 --> 0:10:51.680 into retail stores all the time. 0:10:51.700 --> 0:10:52.840 Wait, what happened? What am I missing? 0:10:52.900 --> 0:10:56.579 All the time. I'll walk in. They'll say, hey, ma'am, 0:10:56.600 --> 0:10:58.140 are you looking for anything? And I was like, no. 0:10:58.179 --> 0:10:59.940 And they'll look at you and they'll say, sir, can 0:10:59.980 --> 0:11:02.160 I help you? They won't assume we're together. 0:11:02.179 --> 0:11:02.980 They greet me separately. 0:11:04.020 --> 0:11:06.200 They greet you separately. 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:07.469 Okay, you're right. That does happen. 0:11:07.660 --> 0:11:11.670 It happens almost every time. We literally walk in together. 0:11:11.730 --> 0:11:12.570 Oh, look at your hands. 0:11:13.090 --> 0:11:16.930 And... And then somehow we get slightly separated and we're 0:11:16.990 --> 0:11:17.810 treated like. 0:11:17.990 --> 0:11:19.270 We didn't ever walk in together. 0:11:19.290 --> 0:11:20.229 Okay, maybe they didn't notice. 0:11:20.309 --> 0:11:24.000 I'll give them a pass. Maybe they didn't notice. I'll 0:11:24.010 --> 0:11:24.530 give them a pass. 0:11:24.550 --> 0:11:27.199 But I'm telling you, any time I've ever walked in 0:11:27.300 --> 0:11:29.860 two steps ahead, two steps behind. 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:30.600 With your white man. 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:34.600 With my white man, no one has ever presumed that 0:11:34.640 --> 0:11:38.280 they needed to greet us separately because we were not together. 0:11:38.600 --> 0:11:42.680 I'm telling you, anytime we walk into any establishment and 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:46.469 even come in together and clearly are interacting with one another, 0:11:46.490 --> 0:11:51.010 no one will actually assume that we're a couple. And 0:11:51.070 --> 0:11:54.770 it's weird to me. I've never been in an interracial 0:11:54.809 --> 0:11:57.200 couple before in my life. So this is all new, 0:11:57.860 --> 0:12:00.599 and it is kind of shocking how we're regarded. It 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:02.439 just is. Okay. Okay. 0:12:03.210 --> 0:12:06.570 This is one last thing I'm going to ask. I 0:12:06.650 --> 0:12:10.480 know you notice it. You're mindful of it. But I 0:12:10.520 --> 0:12:13.620 don't want to assign it to you. But you seem 0:12:14.100 --> 0:12:21.000 genuinely irked, annoyed, angered, pissed, put off. What is it 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:24.540 that gets you to that place? This is not just 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:28.160 a funny observation of yours. This is something that as 0:12:28.210 --> 0:12:32.390 we've gone along over years now, it really rubs you 0:12:32.429 --> 0:12:32.929 the wrong way. 0:12:34.080 --> 0:12:38.579 Yes, because I get just a tiny taste of how 0:12:38.780 --> 0:12:42.839 disrespected you must feel as a black man in America. 0:12:43.700 --> 0:12:47.550 And because I love you, I actually feel it as 0:12:47.630 --> 0:12:51.510 much as I can as a privileged white woman. But yes, 0:12:51.650 --> 0:12:54.330 I get a sense of it. And I am kind 0:12:54.370 --> 0:12:55.550 of blown away by it. 0:12:55.730 --> 0:12:58.600 Let me ask why you think them asking that question 0:12:58.640 --> 0:12:59.500 is a slight to me. 0:13:00.740 --> 0:13:06.020 Because they're assuming... That we're not together. Why wouldn't they? 0:13:06.809 --> 0:13:10.290 And I get greeted first. I usually get taken care 0:13:10.330 --> 0:13:10.790 of first. 0:13:11.270 --> 0:13:12.069 That's what you should. 0:13:12.090 --> 0:13:15.450 And they're like, sir, I'm sorry. Who are you and 0:13:15.490 --> 0:13:19.500 what do you need? It feels dismissive. And I hate it. 0:13:19.570 --> 0:13:20.770 And it makes me angry. 0:13:20.790 --> 0:13:24.080 Okay. That's fair. 0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:25.480 Okay. 0:13:25.700 --> 0:13:28.939 Well, stay with us, folks, because next I would really 0:13:28.960 --> 0:13:31.710 like to hear how We should handle it the next 0:13:31.770 --> 0:13:34.710 time this happens. Oh, and oh yeah, it's going to 0:13:34.750 --> 0:13:35.210 happen again. 0:13:44.420 --> 0:13:47.699 Welcome back, everyone, to Amy and TJ. So, all right, 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:51.340 you teased what's going to happen next time we are 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:52.500 approached by a waiter. 0:13:52.740 --> 0:13:55.440 How do you remember us handling it in the past? 0:13:56.020 --> 0:14:01.470 We usually just kind of laugh it off and say... No, 0:14:01.929 --> 0:14:05.270 I've got it. Or just kind of just reiterate, as 0:14:05.330 --> 0:14:08.949 we said earlier, no, no, it's right here. 0:14:09.130 --> 0:14:09.429 Okay. 0:14:09.690 --> 0:14:10.010 One bill. 0:14:10.150 --> 0:14:12.450 Is there not, can you not remember a time I 0:14:12.570 --> 0:14:14.410 stopped and I asked somebody, why did you assume we're 0:14:14.429 --> 0:14:17.220 not together? Is that not sounding familiar? 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:21.100 I do feel like maybe you did it. I do 0:14:21.140 --> 0:14:22.040 think maybe you did it once. 0:14:22.060 --> 0:14:22.780 That's sounding familiar. 0:14:23.420 --> 0:14:27.120 And the waiter just laughed it off and was like, 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:30.230 I just didn't know. Like, you know, just obviously that's a... 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:33.080 Fair thing to say. 0:14:34.620 --> 0:14:36.890 How would you like to handle it moving forward? What's 0:14:36.930 --> 0:14:39.030 the right way to do it? It's okay to be curious. 0:14:39.050 --> 0:14:42.450 You don't have to be angry. But again, I am curious. 0:14:42.530 --> 0:14:44.410 I think we asked once, and I don't think we 0:14:44.450 --> 0:14:46.590 got a good answer. But this is one of those things. 0:14:46.730 --> 0:14:50.390 I am curious why someone makes that assumption and how 0:14:50.430 --> 0:14:54.220 they would answer it. I haven't been upset as every 0:14:54.260 --> 0:14:56.840 time it's happened. Only one of the two of us 0:14:56.860 --> 0:14:57.620 has gotten worked up. 0:14:57.980 --> 0:15:01.240 Right, but I'm curious. Have you ever, because I believe 0:15:01.300 --> 0:15:03.560 I have. Okay, all right, so I can say this. Ever. 0:15:03.780 --> 0:15:07.800 Before you were with me as your fiancé, your girlfriend, 0:15:07.820 --> 0:15:11.510 your fiancé, if you had a black woman on a 0:15:11.530 --> 0:15:16.390 date with you, or as your wife, whoever, did anyone 0:15:16.590 --> 0:15:22.570 ask you repeatedly enough where you noticed? Should we split 0:15:22.590 --> 0:15:22.810 the bill? 0:15:23.250 --> 0:15:26.050 That's right. I've gone to lunch with black lesbians and 0:15:26.750 --> 0:15:28.590 they still didn't assume we weren't together. 0:15:29.070 --> 0:15:29.370 Right. 0:15:30.070 --> 0:15:32.130 Never. No, no, no. I'm trying to think of a 0:15:32.230 --> 0:15:35.350 single time ever that I've been asked that question. Are you, 0:15:35.810 --> 0:15:38.670 should I split the bill when I am with, on 0:15:38.710 --> 0:15:39.610 a date of any kind? 0:15:39.630 --> 0:15:40.830 Every single time. 0:15:40.850 --> 0:15:41.130 All right. 0:15:41.230 --> 0:15:44.310 I mean, not every single time, but I would argue 50% 0:15:44.310 --> 0:15:46.610 of the time. I feel like that has happened. There 0:15:46.650 --> 0:15:50.030 have been times when there was even a high profile 0:15:50.070 --> 0:15:52.880 time where I, they knew who we were and they 0:15:52.980 --> 0:15:57.140 still asked it. And I just, we had a, a 0:15:57.220 --> 0:16:01.600 hookup at a restaurant and I, they asked us if 0:16:01.660 --> 0:16:04.479 we wanted to split the bill. I'm just, I feel 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:10.280 like that it just, it's never happened when we were 0:16:10.320 --> 0:16:11.100 with our own race. 0:16:11.200 --> 0:16:11.620 Okay. 0:16:11.700 --> 0:16:12.700 So that is the question. 0:16:12.940 --> 0:16:14.720 How do you want to handle, what are we going 0:16:14.740 --> 0:16:16.340 to do moving forward? Cause it's going to happen again 0:16:16.380 --> 0:16:16.720 this week. 0:16:18.630 --> 0:16:19.940 Yeah, because it happened yesterday. 0:16:20.060 --> 0:16:21.760 It's going to happen. 0:16:22.080 --> 0:16:23.860 I don't know. I don't know what the right thing 0:16:23.900 --> 0:16:26.220 to do is because I wouldn't want them to feel 0:16:27.380 --> 0:16:31.440 shame or that they did something abhorrent. But I would 0:16:31.660 --> 0:16:36.370 actually genuinely want to know why they asked that. And 0:16:36.430 --> 0:16:40.050 would they ask that if I were black or if 0:16:40.090 --> 0:16:43.070 he were white? And I know that would immediately cause shame. 0:16:43.090 --> 0:16:44.370 But we don't want to do that. 0:16:44.410 --> 0:16:46.650 And you can't do that. But I don't know what 0:16:46.690 --> 0:16:49.850 the question could be where you wouldn't. make somebody feel 0:16:50.690 --> 0:16:52.350 terrible about their question. 0:16:52.410 --> 0:16:55.840 Okay, but I'm protecting the feelings of someone who has 0:16:55.890 --> 0:16:58.880 already made me feel like this. So I'm saying there's 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:01.560 a way to respectfully just say, hey, why did you 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:03.580 ask that? You just assume we're not together? I'm just curious. 0:17:04.060 --> 0:17:06.200 And that's okay to ask. That's not rude. 0:17:06.640 --> 0:17:09.619 I think that's probably the best way probably to ask. 0:17:09.700 --> 0:17:14.159 And this reminds me, you know this story well. This building, 0:17:14.500 --> 0:17:16.140 we had an incident downstairs. 0:17:16.160 --> 0:17:16.640 We did, we did. 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:20.619 When we first moved in here, Robes, we walked in. 0:17:20.700 --> 0:17:23.510 The guy at the front desk did not know us 0:17:23.550 --> 0:17:24.050 at the time. 0:17:24.250 --> 0:17:24.490 Right. 0:17:24.970 --> 0:17:27.670 I'm carrying. We just come from the, what's the district 0:17:27.710 --> 0:17:28.770 you call it? The flower district. 0:17:28.790 --> 0:17:29.810 Oh, the flower district. Yeah. 0:17:29.930 --> 0:17:32.270 The garden district. The garden district. I was carrying a 0:17:32.290 --> 0:17:34.840 couple things. You, I'm not sure. You had a bag 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:35.280 in your hand. 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:37.540 You were being a gentleman. You were carrying all the 0:17:37.580 --> 0:17:40.260 heavy load, and I probably just had my purse. Fine. Whatever. 0:17:40.500 --> 0:17:41.760 You were walking behind me. 0:17:41.820 --> 0:17:43.240 We're going up the elevator. 0:17:43.260 --> 0:17:43.379 Okay. 0:17:44.619 --> 0:17:47.320 He doesn't recognize, according to him, either one of us. 0:17:48.260 --> 0:17:54.040 But he only says to you, is he with you? Now, 0:17:54.100 --> 0:17:57.180 at that point, I don't go crazy. I didn't throw 0:17:57.200 --> 0:18:00.669 a fit. I said, why did you ask her if 0:18:00.730 --> 0:18:02.530 I was with her instead of asking me if she 0:18:02.609 --> 0:18:05.730 was with me? Why is it you assumed she was 0:18:05.790 --> 0:18:07.870 okay to be here and I'm not if you don't 0:18:07.990 --> 0:18:11.230 recognize either one of us? Why did I get that treatment? 0:18:11.890 --> 0:18:14.370 He lost his mind. I never said race. I never 0:18:14.390 --> 0:18:15.910 said black. I never said white. I just said, why 0:18:15.930 --> 0:18:17.430 did you ask her and not me if you don't 0:18:17.470 --> 0:18:20.869 recognize either one of us? Went crazy. 0:18:21.130 --> 0:18:22.490 By the way, he wasn't white. 0:18:23.050 --> 0:18:24.290 He was from somewhere else, though. 0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:27.159 Correct. I'm just saying. 0:18:28.520 --> 0:18:32.720 He was from somewhere else. But to your point, still, 0:18:32.940 --> 0:18:35.040 that is one of those moments to where I was 0:18:35.080 --> 0:18:39.550 just curious about And he lost his mind. It was, yes. Okay. 0:18:39.910 --> 0:18:42.380 But those moments, babe, I was calm. I didn't get 0:18:42.450 --> 0:18:44.149 upset because I'm used to it. 0:18:44.190 --> 0:18:46.000 You were just asking a question. 0:18:46.020 --> 0:18:46.389 But no, no, no. 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:48.679 But I say that, babe. When everything happens at the 0:18:48.740 --> 0:18:52.840 restaurants with these guys, I'm used to not being regarded. 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:56.679 I'm used to not being taken seriously. I'm used to 0:18:56.780 --> 0:19:00.220 not being respected. I am used to somebody looking at 0:19:00.300 --> 0:19:02.720 me and thinking I'm not capable of paying for a 0:19:02.760 --> 0:19:05.510 meal or of having a good enough credit to buy 0:19:05.570 --> 0:19:10.409 this car. I'm used to it. You, yes, baby. And 0:19:10.510 --> 0:19:13.389 I think it's one of the greatest things in our relationship. 0:19:13.450 --> 0:19:15.650 And I think every white person in the world should 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:19.159 have your experience. To have someone you love that's black 0:19:19.220 --> 0:19:21.120 and to go through life with them and you would 0:19:21.200 --> 0:19:22.240 see things differently. 0:19:22.560 --> 0:19:22.919 It's so true. 0:19:22.940 --> 0:19:26.540