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Speaker 1: Hi there everybody. What's going on? Hi Chelsea, what's happening?

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Speaker 1: Guy's going really good. Actually, our little puppy is growing up.

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Speaker 1: He's a month older and you know, getting potty trained,

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Speaker 1: getting there, getting there. Wendell Benyer is a month older

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Speaker 1: for Wendel ben. What's going to happen to Wendell's life?

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Speaker 1: He's going to get chebby like a pug shit. He's

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Speaker 1: going to come out of the closet very soon. Yes, Yes,

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Speaker 1: he's definitely he's definitely gay, for sure. For sure is

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Speaker 1: with a name like that? Well, Chelsea, I have a

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Speaker 1: quick follow up for you. This is from Rachel. She

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Speaker 1: called in on our microper Big La episode and she

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Speaker 1: was the one who was getting married and her brother

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Speaker 1: in law was not letting her sister's kids come to

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Speaker 1: the wedding. Hi, Catherine and Chelsea. I'm so sorry about

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Speaker 1: just now replying. I was waiting and hoping that something

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Speaker 1: would possibly change, but unfortunately that did not happen. My

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Speaker 1: niece and nephew will sadly not be a part of

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Speaker 1: my wedding. We're about forty days from the big day,

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Speaker 1: and after trying to reach out to my ex brother

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Speaker 1: in law, again, We've just accepted the situation as it is.

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Speaker 1: It's been about eight months since he and I have spoken,

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Speaker 1: and things are so messy that he and my sister

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Speaker 1: still have to communicate through a co parenting app for

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Speaker 1: documentation and legal purposes. It's a parent that he's hurting

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Speaker 1: deep down, and I just hope he can get some

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Speaker 1: help and heal one day. On the bright side, my

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Speaker 1: sister seems happier than ever nowadays. She's thriving in her

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Speaker 1: career as an elementary school principle, and she's been able

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Speaker 1: to really focus on herself for the first time in

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Speaker 1: a while. So we've taken your advice and decided to

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Speaker 1: have a private quote pretend wedding in my parents backyard

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Speaker 1: the week before our wedding. That way, my niece and

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Speaker 1: nephew can be our flower girl and ring bearer and

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Speaker 1: have all the attention and happiness directed toward them. Truthfully,

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Speaker 1: I just want them to be okay and not have

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Speaker 1: their childhood stripped of their innocence. Chelsea and Catherine, you

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Speaker 1: two are awesome. Thank you for keeping us all laughing

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Speaker 1: during some shitty situations. Love Rachel PS. I'll be sure

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Speaker 1: to send a picture of the three of us on

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Speaker 1: our backyard wedding stay tuned. Oh that's cute, that's all

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Speaker 1: good vibes. Too bad about the brother, but whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes we just have to let other people do

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Speaker 1: what they're gonna do and make the best of a situation.

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Speaker 1: And I'm really happy that she's choosing to do that.

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Speaker 1: We've got an amazing guest today, Chelsea. Yeah, we do. Actually,

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Speaker 1: we just worked together sort of but not really. We

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Speaker 1: both did Kim Kardashians skims campaign bra campaign uh and

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Speaker 1: and we both I noticed, used the same hair dresser.

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Speaker 1: Dresser that's like an an outdated term, but anyway, hair

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Speaker 1: stylist Ronado, the Sky Ronado, and her hair looked so

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Speaker 1: badass during the campaign or for the photos. When we

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Speaker 1: got all the photos, I was like, I thought my

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Speaker 1: hair looked good. And then I saw brook Shields his

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Speaker 1: hair and I was like, whoa wait, But then I

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Speaker 1: realized she's Brooks Shields. Yes, that's where I guess is

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Speaker 1: today Brookshields. Yeah, she's known for her luscious hair. No,

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Speaker 1: she's known for her lusciousness. Yes. Absolutely. She is an actress, model,

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Speaker 1: CEO and host of the Now What podcast. Please welcome Brookshields. Hi, Brook, Hi, Hi,

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Speaker 1: how are you? I'm good? How are you? How are

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Speaker 1: you feeling? Oh? My god better? But I sell my

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Speaker 1: throat still has a pickle, a tickle pickle every I

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Speaker 1: guess it must be Postdaisal trip. But I'm lying in

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Speaker 1: bed and I go like this fifty thousand times. I'm

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Speaker 1: glad I'm single at this time in my life because

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Speaker 1: I don't know who would want to have sex with me.

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Speaker 1: All I always like this, My my Chris does that.

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Speaker 1: My husband Chris doesn't drive me insane insane because it's

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Speaker 1: neither nor it's not a great cough and it's not

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Speaker 1: really it's something else. Commit to one word or the other.

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Speaker 1: On the subject of your husband. Chris actually a good

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Speaker 1: place to start for us because I knew Chris years ago,

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Speaker 1: which I think I told you about. I used to

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Speaker 1: wait tables at a place called Roasty on Montana and

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Speaker 1: Chris was a young writer who would come in and

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Speaker 1: he was a really nice guy, and I think he

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Speaker 1: had some friends and he would come in with other

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Speaker 1: writer guys. Yeah, and he would come in and that's

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Speaker 1: how I knew him. And then he went off and

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Speaker 1: married you, and then I never saw him again. Well,

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Speaker 1: see it was a natural progression. Yeah, exactly, the man

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Speaker 1: who stopped speaking to me completely. Oh he said to

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Speaker 1: say hi, by the way, Oh tell him I say

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Speaker 1: hi back, please. I will, I will, I will, I will. Um.

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Speaker 1: But you guys have had such a long successful relationship, marriage, partnership.

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Speaker 1: I was wondering if you could speak to that and

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Speaker 1: tell us a little bit about how you feel about

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Speaker 1: your side of the street in your relationship, how you

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Speaker 1: feel like you've grown as a woman within your relationship

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Speaker 1: with having a family and everything, because these are things

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Speaker 1: I can't really relate to, so I'm so curious. I uh,

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Speaker 1: I'm his first marriage, or he likes to say I'm

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Speaker 1: her current marriage. But I had a marriage before, and

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Speaker 1: I think that that was probably one really great thing

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Speaker 1: because I learned really what I didn't want in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Maybe I should have learned it without having to actually

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Speaker 1: go through the marriage. But I think that it's first

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Speaker 1: of all, it's a lot is attributable to him because

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Speaker 1: he's a very solid person. He doesn't get threatened easily

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Speaker 1: by any of any of that. I come with a lot,

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Speaker 1: you know, I come with a lot. It's hard it's hard,

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Speaker 1: not only my history, but because I'm recognized and because

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Speaker 1: the world feels like they own me. I think that,

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Speaker 1: you know, I come with a lot. So he's very,

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Speaker 1: very patient. And one of the things that I think

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Speaker 1: what he was willing to do is adapt to certain

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Speaker 1: things that I have asked him. For instance, when we

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Speaker 1: first met, it was always funny how he would make

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Speaker 1: fun of me. And he made fun of me, like

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Speaker 1: he was just I'm I do really geeky, stupid things,

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Speaker 1: and like I'm that kid that always said that different

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Speaker 1: color highlighters and I'm organizing and I like underlining, and

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Speaker 1: you know, I just I do things that are kind

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Speaker 1: of geeky, and and he used to make fun of me,

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Speaker 1: or the fact that I couldn't cook, and it was

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Speaker 1: cute in the beginning because it was it felt really personal,

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Speaker 1: but it was never mean. But they were little things.

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Speaker 1: And as you know, like ten years into the relationship,

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Speaker 1: I said to him, you know what, I'm growing as

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Speaker 1: a person, and I'm I don't want to self deprecate

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Speaker 1: as much as I used to in the same way

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Speaker 1: and for the same reasons. And you kind of knocking

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Speaker 1: me down a couple of pegs doesn't feel cute anymore

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Speaker 1: to me. And I know it sounds like a bait

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Speaker 1: and switch, and I know I'm changing the terms here,

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Speaker 1: but we all have to adapt. And you've mentioned accountability

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Speaker 1: when we were talking one time, and I think that

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Speaker 1: there is accountability to You're not trying to change the

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Speaker 1: other person, but there are certain things that have to

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Speaker 1: become a compromise, and you have to be able to

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Speaker 1: express what you need and also be able to change

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Speaker 1: in little ways that do make a huge difference to

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Speaker 1: your partner. And that type of back and forth in

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Speaker 1: exchange has been just really healthy for us. Wow. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Like he'll if I start a sentence with to him,

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Speaker 1: I don't think you realize how much I have on

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Speaker 1: my plate, or something like that, he cannot stand it

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Speaker 1: because it underestimates how much he really does understand about

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Speaker 1: me and my life. And so he'll he'll get prickly

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Speaker 1: with something like that. So I have to keep in

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Speaker 1: mind that that's not a kind, that's not a rhetoric

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Speaker 1: that he It just makes him bristle and he in

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Speaker 1: a in a second. He's got his ire up, you know.

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Speaker 1: So I think that the willingness to be you know,

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Speaker 1: people say, oh, friendship. And so, first of all, laughter

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Speaker 1: is just key. I mean, he just makes me laugh

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Speaker 1: and that's been a big part of our relationship. He

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Speaker 1: is such a good father and he put it's in

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Speaker 1: the time, and that makes being a mother so much

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Speaker 1: more palatable in many ways for me, even though I've

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Speaker 1: always wanted to have kids. It's really not easy, and

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Speaker 1: it's a full time. It's just forever, and then some

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Speaker 1: that's forever, and then some it's neiver over no, and

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Speaker 1: and sometimes loving that much, it's just paying the ass.

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Speaker 1: It's just you're just like, why am I doing this

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Speaker 1: to myself? Yeah, I can imagine it's the kind of

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Speaker 1: worry that you're just like, God, did I did I

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Speaker 1: want to feel this horrible? It's weird. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: I have that conversation with a really good friend of

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Speaker 1: mine and she's sort of belaboring the fact that she's

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Speaker 1: not having children and she never wanted them. And then

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Speaker 1: the clock got a certain to a certain place, and

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Speaker 1: then it became difficult, and then it became, oh, no,

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Speaker 1: what am I missing out on? And I said, you know,

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Speaker 1: don't lose sight of how you can get love from

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Speaker 1: her husband's grandchild or how you know. And also to

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Speaker 1: keep in mind that she never was motivated to have

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Speaker 1: it wasn't a part of her the way it was

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Speaker 1: a part of me. I I say that in my

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Speaker 1: stand up special. On my new stand up special, I

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Speaker 1: talk about like, if you're on the fence at all

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Speaker 1: about becoming a mother, then don't become a mother. Like

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Speaker 1: if you're questioning it, if you're not a hundred and

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Speaker 1: in in it and saying like this is what I want,

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Speaker 1: I can't live without it, then you shouldn't have a

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Speaker 1: baby because it is that kind of commitment. You can't

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Speaker 1: be like, well, I guess I'm getting older and I

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Speaker 1: may as well have one, you know, tell your friends

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Speaker 1: to call me. I'll just shake her out. Well, it's

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Speaker 1: also true that, you know, hey, I don't I respect

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Speaker 1: the way you talk about it, because not everybody should

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Speaker 1: want to have children. If they don't want to, they

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be shamed into it. And it's a you know,

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Speaker 1: it is also it's the kind of thing that there's

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Speaker 1: a lot to it, and you know, it's not going

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Speaker 1: to fix a relationship. I hear couples talk about, you know,

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Speaker 1: their marriages having trouble and they think a baby is

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Speaker 1: going to fix it. Trust me, No, it's not. Whatever

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Speaker 1: your problems are become magnified right where you have baby, absolutely,

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Speaker 1: and then that then the blame starts and you're just like,

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Speaker 1: this is just becoming degraded. Now what Okay? Because I

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Speaker 1: know you have you spoken a lot and written a

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Speaker 1: lot about your relationship and the difficulties with your relationship

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Speaker 1: with your own mother, and I so I think for

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Speaker 1: your I'm so curious about when you became a mother.

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Speaker 1: I mean, you must have had such an inner dialogue

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Speaker 1: going on for fear of replicating any of the stuff

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Speaker 1: that was so painful or hurtful to you. The weirdest

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Speaker 1: thing is I've done so much work on myself in

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Speaker 1: therapy for decades that I focused on the things that

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Speaker 1: I want to replicate rather than just the things I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to replicate because I had done so much work.

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Speaker 1: And so to compare myself in in any way in

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Speaker 1: a negative way to a woman who really was so

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Speaker 1: broken and couldn't do the work on herself or for herself,

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Speaker 1: and you know it's not only just alcoholic. I don't

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Speaker 1: think she could ever get through step seven or whatever

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Speaker 1: the amends one is, but I think that her humor

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Speaker 1: was so important, her willingness to have fun with me,

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Speaker 1: her belief that I should always have someone my own

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Speaker 1: age around me, even within this industry, her very frank

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Speaker 1: way of of discussing anything. You know, she was ballsy,

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Speaker 1: and that really protected me. And so I try to

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Speaker 1: remember those things, and I try to be careful about

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Speaker 1: my drinking because I know that that is in my blood.

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Speaker 1: I'm surprised at how how much freedom emotionally I give

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Speaker 1: my kids, you know how. I I never thought that

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Speaker 1: talking to them about sex and talking to I thought

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Speaker 1: because my mother never talked to me about anything. You

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Speaker 1: just were told, don't do it, you'll burn in hell.

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Speaker 1: And then I became sort of known for being a virgin.

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Speaker 1: We talk about everything together and I have no judgment,

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Speaker 1: and I'm shocked at myself, you know. I mean, we

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Speaker 1: talked about it all, and I didn't think that i'd

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Speaker 1: be comfortable with it on that level. Yeah, I can

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Speaker 1: see what you mean by that. I mean, I'm just

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Speaker 1: thinking about my nieces and nephews and I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I guess I would be the closest to non judgmental,

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Speaker 1: but I'm still they're like my little babies, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I can't even think about the things that they might

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Speaker 1: be up to getting up to you right now. It's crazy.

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Speaker 1: It's just so crazy. And but I you know, I

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Speaker 1: always say, it's just it's important that you have an

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Speaker 1: ally within these these times in your life because you're

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Speaker 1: gonna need it. And who better than your mom in

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Speaker 1: my case with her, because I'm always going to be

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Speaker 1: here for whatever it is. I'm like, but don't be

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Speaker 1: an idiots. Do either of your girls remind you of

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Speaker 1: your mom? Oh, that's a great question. There's sometimes when

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Speaker 1: my older daughter will do something that is just so defiant,

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Speaker 1: like she's got balls, my daughter, And you think that

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Speaker 1: I would see my mom do that, or she would

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Speaker 1: do things just to be the first one dancing on

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Speaker 1: the table or something like that. So there are some

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Speaker 1: kind of ballsy and her sense of humor, My mom's

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Speaker 1: sense of humor does really sort of breathe through rowan

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Speaker 1: in particular. Yeah, that's cool. That must be really like

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Speaker 1: meaningful to see it is because I'll say things that

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Speaker 1: my mother would have said that just can sound borderline,

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Speaker 1: like you know, when a dog is outside the deli

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Speaker 1: or something, and they're looking inside to see where their

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Speaker 1: master is, like their masters like they just can't they

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Speaker 1: can only look at their math, her or whatever. My

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Speaker 1: mother used to walk by the dogs and go, she's

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Speaker 1: never coming back, which is a sick joke. It's a

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Speaker 1: sick joke. And my mom was full of sick jokes

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Speaker 1: like that, and so and I would like try them

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Speaker 1: out on rowan and she was like, Mom, that's so sick,

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Speaker 1: but it's so fucking funny. That's cute. Well, I think

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Speaker 1: that's a really beautiful sentiment, you know. Taking the best

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Speaker 1: out of a relationship was what we should all be doing,

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Speaker 1: out of our difficult relationships, out of our beautiful relationships,

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Speaker 1: out of our best relationships, but taking the best things

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Speaker 1: about that and trying to replicate those instead of focusing

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Speaker 1: on the things that you don't want to replicate, focusing

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Speaker 1: on the things that you do. The minute you start

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Speaker 1: going down the road of the things you don't want

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Speaker 1: or the things that are bad, you're now demonizing this

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Speaker 1: person even more, especially if they're not alive, right, and

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Speaker 1: then you're not even giving yourself a chance to sort

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Speaker 1: of not live with rose colored glasses about who they were,

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Speaker 1: but to also sort of say people are complex, and

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Speaker 1: I'm going to try to shift this and start with

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Speaker 1: a positive rather than, you know, making myself terrified that

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Speaker 1: i'm you know things. I'm my own person too, you know,

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Speaker 1: And I think that that's important for people to remember,

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Speaker 1: is that they are they can be their own people,

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Speaker 1: right exactly. Okay, So we are going to take a

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Speaker 1: quick break, and then we're going to come back and

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Speaker 1: get to some callers who need some life advice. Brooke,

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Speaker 1: We're going to dish it out and give real people

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Speaker 1: advice on what to do in situations. Catherine, are we

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Speaker 1: ready to take a quick break. I think we're ready

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Speaker 1: to take a quick Oh my god, we're taking a

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Speaker 1: break and we'll be right back, and we're back and

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Speaker 1: we're back. Well, you know what, I'm gonna switch up

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Speaker 1: the order that I intended these in because we've already

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Speaker 1: been talking about dogs, and I see you have it's Pepper,

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Speaker 1: right of Pepper, they're bored. She just got up and left. Now,

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Speaker 1: aren't dogs all bored all the time? It's not where

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Speaker 1: they're sleeping all of the time. And my dogs are

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Speaker 1: sleeping all of the time. Like cats are more bored

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Speaker 1: than than dogs. I think, I don't know. Mine is

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Speaker 1: so neurotic and insecure. My dogs are like cats. I

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Speaker 1: have two cat dogs, wow, and I have a neurotic

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Speaker 1: separation anxiety dog. She's a Portuguese water dog. I mean,

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Speaker 1: those are nice dogs. What happens when you have a

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Speaker 1: dog in the city, Isn't that just a fucking huge

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Speaker 1: pain in the ass brook to have to go outside

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Speaker 1: into the city every time they need to go out. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's it can be a bit can be, but you know,

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Speaker 1: you get your dog people in town and we are

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Speaker 1: able to leave the city in the summer, and I

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Speaker 1: have the best of both worlds. I mean, what's hard

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Speaker 1: is making sure your dog can tell you when they

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Speaker 1: have to go to the bathroom, which, like I now

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Speaker 1: know her look obviously when she's gotta go, but she's

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Speaker 1: not clear, Like she doesn't go to the door and

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Speaker 1: like paw the door. So there's been many a package

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Speaker 1: left room. We trained our little pug, Mimsy, using bells,

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Speaker 1: so she if she has to go out, she just

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Speaker 1: goes and rings the bell. I mean we take her

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Speaker 1: out at regular interviews anyway. But it's it's a life saver,

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Speaker 1: it's a carpet saver. Yeah, well it's too freaking late

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Speaker 1: for us, Catherine, thanks for the hot tip. Now, I mean,

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Speaker 1: you can't train these dogs to ring doorbells? Can't learn Okay, Well,

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Speaker 1: and I actually just got a new puppy. But I

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Speaker 1: actually picked this question for you weeks ago. So this

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Speaker 1: question comes from Lindsay. Lindsay says, Dear Chelsea, should we

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Speaker 1: get a new dog. It's been over four years since

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Speaker 1: our dog passed away. She felt like a soulmate to me,

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Speaker 1: and we went through so many life events together. I

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Speaker 1: loved her in a way that makes my heart burst

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Speaker 1: even today. Her passing was tragic and took years to

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Speaker 1: get through. I feel her presence all the time, and

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Speaker 1: I miss her every day. In the last year, I've

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Speaker 1: been finding myself wanting the physical presence of a dog again. However,

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Speaker 1: I'm terrified of not feeling that same love for a

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Speaker 1: new dog. Well also being terrified that I'll feel that

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Speaker 1: strong feeling again, which ultimately means I'll feel terrible loss again.

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Speaker 1: We travel often, have two senior cats and a six

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Speaker 1: year old. Our lives are busy, so I also wonder

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Speaker 1: if maybe the timing isn't right to add a dog

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Speaker 1: to our family. How will I know when the time

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Speaker 1: is right? How do I get past the fear? Lindsay,

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Speaker 1: Just get a fucking dog, Lindsay, I mean, this is

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Speaker 1: not a hard problem at all. Get a dog, and

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Speaker 1: don't compare that dog all the time to your deceased

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Speaker 1: little love bug. Because it took me a while too,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, I'm not gonna love this dog

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Speaker 1: as much, and then I was resistant, and poor dog

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Speaker 1: didn't know the difference. She didn't know my other dog.

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Speaker 1: You know, Um, I just think, get a dog, and

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Speaker 1: and it's good for a little girl to grow up

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Speaker 1: with with a dog. I mean, you know you're gonna

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Speaker 1: end up doing all the work, obviously, but but also

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Speaker 1: once you get a new dog, your love transfers. You

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Speaker 1: don't have any choice but to love and focus on

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Speaker 1: that dog that you're not going to have be comparing

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Speaker 1: it to your other dog, even like I've had so

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Speaker 1: many dogs, and every time you just have a different

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Speaker 1: kind of love for them. You're like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: this is my number one now. It actually helps you

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Speaker 1: get over the loss of the other one too, actually too.

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Speaker 1: And if you have just one kid, I mean, think

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Speaker 1: about if you had another daughter, would you only love

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Speaker 1: the six year old more than the baby. I doubt it. Yeah, exactly,

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Speaker 1: So you just it's like growing another heart. So buck

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Speaker 1: up and just go get that dog. Okay, I think so,

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Speaker 1: lindsay get the dog. Well that was easy. That was

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Speaker 1: probably the easiest question we've ever gotten. So oh boy, Okay. Well,

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Speaker 1: our next question comes from Jesse. She's a caller, she says,

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Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend and I recently went on a

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Speaker 1: camping trip with his whole family, mom, dad's sister, and

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Speaker 1: his nephew. My nine year old son and our dog

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Speaker 1: also joined us. Three days in, we had reservations to

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Speaker 1: go whitewater rafting with my boyfriend's sister, her son, my son,

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Speaker 1: and my boyfriend. The big ending of the river was amazing.

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Speaker 1: We were all laughing, screaming, and having the best time.

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Speaker 1: Shortly into it, I decided to move back a seat

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Speaker 1: to sit next to my boyfriend. His sister is an

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Speaker 1: aggressive type A and promptly turns around to tell me

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Speaker 1: to move back to my original seat. I told her

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Speaker 1: it should be fine because I'm still peddling in the

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Speaker 1: same area I was before. She continued to tell me, no,

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Speaker 1: I need to move back while raising her voice. I

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Speaker 1: told her not to talk to me like that, and

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Speaker 1: all hell broke loose. She used this moment to stand up,

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Speaker 1: point her finger in my face while telling me all

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Speaker 1: the things she's always hated about me since day one.

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Speaker 1: She concluded it by saying, and I'm not the only

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Speaker 1: one who feels this way. I immediately broke down and

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Speaker 1: cried the rest of the two hour trip down the river,

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Speaker 1: we packed up our camp and drove back home. As

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Speaker 1: soon as we got back to the campsite, his mom

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Speaker 1: and dad sided with his sister and also doubled down

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Speaker 1: on all the resentments they have had towards me for

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Speaker 1: the four years we've been together. Nothing they've said makes

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Speaker 1: any sense to me, and I honestly feel broken, sad,

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Speaker 1: and confused. I lost my dad to COVID. Have considered

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00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,920
Speaker 1: his family my family. I can feel the energy shift

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Speaker 1: in my relationship with my boyfriend, and I truly don't

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Speaker 1: know where to go from here. Please help. Jesse Oh, no, Jesse, Hi, Jesse, Hi, Jesse. Hey,

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Speaker 1: this is our special guest, Brookshields is here today. Hi Brook,

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Speaker 1: So nice to see you all. I mean, first of all,

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Speaker 1: rapt trips are not easy they're they're challenging, and there

396
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,560
Speaker 1: they bring out a lot in people. I think that

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00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,159
Speaker 1: was that was one of the issues for sure. What

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Speaker 1: did you how did your Have you spoken at length

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Speaker 1: to your boyfriend about all of this? We actually both

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Speaker 1: started seeing a therapist. We both see the same therapist now,

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00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,760
Speaker 1: which is convenient. So on Sundays basically that he does

402
00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:58,240
Speaker 1: him at ten am and at eleven am, and we're

403
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Speaker 1: both kind of talking it out with Arthur a pist, so,

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Speaker 1: I mean, we're just we're trying to get through it.

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Speaker 1: It's just it was a lot and he's not really

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Speaker 1: sure where to go from here either, Like what what

407
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Speaker 1: is he saying? Like how does he feel? I mean,

408
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Speaker 1: what does he agree with his family? Did he know

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Speaker 1: that they felt this way? He he's a different person

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Speaker 1: with them than he is with me. He's very quiet

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Speaker 1: around them, he's very doesn't really speak his mind, but

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Speaker 1: when he's with me, he's like, that was obviously crazy,

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Speaker 1: you know, And basically I don't want to surround myself

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Speaker 1: with somebody that's really negative and that just brings that

415
00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:38,360
Speaker 1: energy around. So he doesn't really agree with it at all.

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00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 1: Well usually though, But there's also a part in a

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Speaker 1: relationship where to a certain extent, your partner has to

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Speaker 1: be able to stick up for you in some way,

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Speaker 1: and it can be done in a loving way. But

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Speaker 1: you are his choice. His family, he was didn't have

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Speaker 1: a choice about, you know, is he older or younger

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00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:01,080
Speaker 1: than the he's younger. She's actually my age and he's

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Speaker 1: three years younger than me. And what's her life situation.

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Speaker 1: She's a single mom. She's always had that aggressive side,

425
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,719
Speaker 1: a little just abrasive. I think it's kind of like

426
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,359
Speaker 1: a guard she has up to protect herself, if that

427
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,720
Speaker 1: makes sense, because she's kind of always been on her own,

428
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,320
Speaker 1: and she does take care of her son by herself,

429
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,239
Speaker 1: so it's just her and him. What's interesting about that

430
00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:26,000
Speaker 1: is there I feel like there's some jealousy and projection.

431
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 1: But also when anybody says, and I'm not the only

432
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 1: one that feels that way, that's a sort of a

433
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,399
Speaker 1: cop out because they're not owning their vitriol. You know,

434
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 1: they're sort of pawning it off on someone. I hate that.

435
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,480
Speaker 1: I hate that when people use that in fights. Oh

436
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:45,639
Speaker 1: my god, it was so hurtful. Yeah, I immediately started

437
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,760
Speaker 1: crying and so unfair by the way to the rest

438
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,480
Speaker 1: of his family also, because you know, sometimes that can

439
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,439
Speaker 1: be an opening for the rest of his family talking

440
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,959
Speaker 1: to them and sort of saying, is this true. Do

441
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,840
Speaker 1: you have a problem with me that I don't know about?

442
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,760
Speaker 1: Because I love your brother, I love your son. Can

443
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,600
Speaker 1: we talk about this? Just because to hear it like

444
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,439
Speaker 1: that and being such an outburst, there has to be

445
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,240
Speaker 1: something else either going on. I mean, I would save

446
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:14,159
Speaker 1: her to last, but I don't know. Also, funny you

447
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,879
Speaker 1: say that because we have this conversation yesterday and I'm like,

448
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,720
Speaker 1: you know, I feel like this was obviously a projection

449
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,680
Speaker 1: of something, but this might have something to do with

450
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:27,119
Speaker 1: her and his relationship. Oh you know, maybe that's what

451
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,800
Speaker 1: made her because there wasn't anything that led up to

452
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 1: that other than the changing seats on the raft that

453
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,520
Speaker 1: made her so angry. Yeah, is there another sister? Is

454
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,040
Speaker 1: it just the two of them? It's just the two

455
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:42,480
Speaker 1: of them? Well, you're invading her space, and you know, yeah,

456
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,920
Speaker 1: something that popped up for me reading that, imagining myself

457
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 1: like if I were the sister blowing up, but you

458
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 1: is potentially she had some anxiety about the white water

459
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,720
Speaker 1: rafting and you're moving it like brought out this other stuff,

460
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,920
Speaker 1: but she's also clearly been harboring resentments. And I'm so

461
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,960
Speaker 1: bombed out that this happened to you, But I'm also

462
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,600
Speaker 1: sorry this happened in front of your son, like any

463
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,919
Speaker 1: adult was one of the main issues for me was

464
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:08,159
Speaker 1: it happened in front of my son. I couldn't, you know,

465
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,760
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I couldn't scream at her. I I just

466
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,480
Speaker 1: went in the other direction. But that's okay, because you

467
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,520
Speaker 1: don't want to scream in Yale, because that's a loss

468
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,080
Speaker 1: of control. Her screaming at you in the middle of

469
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,560
Speaker 1: a white water rafting trip is like a complete loss

470
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: of control. So if any like that's on her, Yeah,

471
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 1: there's a million ways to have a rational conversation when

472
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,160
Speaker 1: you have issues with somebody. Flipping out in the middle

473
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: of a trip is a loss of control that you

474
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 1: need to apologize for. That's where accountability comes in. You

475
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:38,000
Speaker 1: have to go God, that was really inappropriate, especially in

476
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,280
Speaker 1: front of your kid. And also, if you don't have

477
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: the guts to tell me personally, you need an audience.

478
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,359
Speaker 1: I don't know what that says about her, you know,

479
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,399
Speaker 1: I think I think she's she's obviously triggered and maybe

480
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,800
Speaker 1: it sounds like she's jealous of whatever she thinks you have,

481
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:59,320
Speaker 1: including her brother, or angry just at her own circumstances.

482
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,359
Speaker 1: So what were the complaints that she had about you?

483
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,600
Speaker 1: What did she say? Oh my god, they were so

484
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,720
Speaker 1: ridiculous one of the main ones, because I didn't hear

485
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,800
Speaker 1: them from her. The only thing on the trip that

486
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 1: I heard was that I keep bringing up their childhood

487
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 1: and she doesn't like that. I I don't know. I

488
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,679
Speaker 1: like to get really deep when I talk to people.

489
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,680
Speaker 1: It's almost to a fault, Like I immediately start talking

490
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 1: about therapy, and you know, everybody needs therapy. Therapy is great.

491
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,679
Speaker 1: And I live in South Alabama. I live in in

492
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,720
Speaker 1: a small southern town, but the people around here just

493
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,240
Speaker 1: aren't that way, you know, And whenever I talk to

494
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,119
Speaker 1: them about it, I can see they get uncomfortable. But

495
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,399
Speaker 1: I almost take that as an opening to keep going

496
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: and like helping them just be happier and live happier lives. Almost,

497
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:44,920
Speaker 1: you know, we don't have to worry about this other ship.

498
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 1: We can be on a happy path if we want to.

499
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 1: But I think maybe they did see me as a threat.

500
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,280
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe they saw me that's what our

501
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,199
Speaker 1: therapist is saying that, like, I caused a disruption in

502
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:01,720
Speaker 1: their family unit, which is no fault of yours. It's

503
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 1: not a fault just dating the sky. It's not a

504
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,600
Speaker 1: fault of yours at all. I mean, I also think

505
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 1: holding a mirror up two people, you know, they get

506
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,400
Speaker 1: really threatened if they don't have the guts to do

507
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 1: that kind of self exploration, you know, and admit things

508
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,199
Speaker 1: that you know way aren't the best about them. But

509
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:22,719
Speaker 1: this is not your fault. I mean, God, I just

510
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:26,879
Speaker 1: I want him to come to your aid, but I

511
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,040
Speaker 1: don't want it to be my decision. You know. We

512
00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:31,760
Speaker 1: had this conversation yesterday. I'm like, well, I was. What

513
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:34,400
Speaker 1: I would love for you to do is to do this,

514
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 1: you know, to go over there and stand up for

515
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,200
Speaker 1: yourself and say this is who I am, and and

516
00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:42,480
Speaker 1: we're not mad about any of the complaints. His mom

517
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,480
Speaker 1: is the one who came over and kind of started

518
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 1: using this opportunity to tell me about things that have

519
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,640
Speaker 1: made her angry over the years about me, and one

520
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,679
Speaker 1: of them was that I didn't help do dishes on

521
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:55,560
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving two years ago. And on my side, I'm like,

522
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,800
Speaker 1: all you have to do is ask and I'll do

523
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,119
Speaker 1: the dishes, you know. But also I don't really you

524
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,960
Speaker 1: pick up after myself when I'm invited to Thanksgiving dinner.

525
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:05,439
Speaker 1: You know, it's like this was your house, you know,

526
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:07,840
Speaker 1: this is your stuff, and but all you have to

527
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 1: do is ask. But it was really petty stuff like that,

528
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,320
Speaker 1: Like I didn't help pick up dishes at Thanksgiving. I

529
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:17,399
Speaker 1: didn't help bring bags over to the campsite. I didn't

530
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 1: help them unload the stuff from their from their car

531
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 1: to their tent. Just things like that, and how they

532
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,040
Speaker 1: don't think I treat their son right. But well, listen,

533
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:30,000
Speaker 1: all of these examples you are giving are reasonable things

534
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,240
Speaker 1: for someone. Listen, when I go to somebody's house, I

535
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 1: don't know how to do dishes, but I always clean

536
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,280
Speaker 1: up after myself, whether it's someone else's house or not.

537
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,920
Speaker 1: That's just kind of like a nice thing to do.

538
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 1: So the things that they're saying, whatever, it doesn't matter

539
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 1: whether they're right or you're wrong. It's just a matter

540
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 1: of how you're having the conversation, right, if they have resentments,

541
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 1: and like they shouldn't have to ask you to come

542
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:52,680
Speaker 1: and help with the dishes as a guest. You should

543
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,560
Speaker 1: try and help, and then they either say no or

544
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:56,360
Speaker 1: thank you. You know what I mean, you no, you

545
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,880
Speaker 1: sit down, or thank you. You know, there's there's a

546
00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:01,600
Speaker 1: certain like measure of manners that you should impart and when,

547
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,920
Speaker 1: especially when you're at your boyfriend's parents house, just out

548
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:08,240
Speaker 1: of decency, right, So all of these things, it's it's like, Okay,

549
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,680
Speaker 1: that's a good point, that's a bad point. It doesn't matter.

550
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 1: It's just a matter of the tenor of the conversation

551
00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:16,360
Speaker 1: because they've they've clearly painted you as this person that

552
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,600
Speaker 1: doesn't help out wherever you go camping over to Thanksgiving.

553
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 1: They think you're selfish and that I would imagine that

554
00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:25,040
Speaker 1: you don't treat your boyfriend with respect. In their eyes,

555
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:28,240
Speaker 1: that's what they're thinking. It's funny. The dishes thing is

556
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:30,880
Speaker 1: a funny thing because my daughter just recently said to me,

557
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 1: she said, Mom, I'm amazed at how badly behaved a

558
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:37,560
Speaker 1: lot of young people are. She said, Whenever we're at

559
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:40,520
Speaker 1: dinner at someone else's house, she was like, mom, my

560
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: sister and I are always the first up to go

561
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,080
Speaker 1: help with the dishes, and it's either oh my god,

562
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,800
Speaker 1: thank you so much, or no, no, no, Donnie, sit down,

563
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,840
Speaker 1: like you know, but it's that little gesture. There are

564
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,960
Speaker 1: little things that go a long way, but these things

565
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:59,640
Speaker 1: feel that there's something deeper that they're using these petty

566
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 1: things to say, Oh, she's a princess, she doesn't want

567
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:05,720
Speaker 1: to help with anything. You're obviously not that, but it

568
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 1: feels like there's something deeper. You know, you're taking her

569
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:12,120
Speaker 1: son away? Are you his first real relationship? You know,

570
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 1: you're the other woman with regards to the sister. Whenever

571
00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:20,880
Speaker 1: these things happen, it's always about that person. The person

572
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,239
Speaker 1: dolling out, the person doing that is the person with

573
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:27,600
Speaker 1: the issue for sure, And that's hard for you to say,

574
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,520
Speaker 1: But it's also important to say to take accountability when

575
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 1: it's when you don't even feel like you've done anything wrong.

576
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 1: You know what, I mean. To be a bigger person

577
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:38,000
Speaker 1: in this larger conversation that you're having about your relationship,

578
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: I think it's really important for you to consider everything

579
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,600
Speaker 1: that they're saying, and whether or not you think you're

580
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:46,280
Speaker 1: wrong or right doesn't matter. Right, it's just about the

581
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:48,520
Speaker 1: actual tenor of the conversation. Because if you come back

582
00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:51,360
Speaker 1: at them calmly in a month or so or whatever

583
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,680
Speaker 1: and say, hey, listen, I've thought a lot about everything

584
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,200
Speaker 1: you guys said, and I want to take some accountability

585
00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:58,680
Speaker 1: and responsibility from my end of the thing, and I

586
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 1: will definitely contribute more and this and that, But I

587
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,600
Speaker 1: also you also need something in return for that too.

588
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,400
Speaker 1: So when you're going to therapy with you and your boyfriend,

589
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:08,920
Speaker 1: like when you say your boyfriend doesn't know how to

590
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 1: move on from this, you've been together for four years,

591
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,360
Speaker 1: are you contemplating splitting up over this? It was actually

592
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 1: it was a thought just because I felt like I

593
00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:20,200
Speaker 1: was coming between him and his family. But isn't that

594
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: a defensive thought though? Is that a real thought or

595
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,680
Speaker 1: a defensive Yeah, it was totally an insecurity. It was

596
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 1: fully based off of he's going to choose them, so

597
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:32,280
Speaker 1: I better hurry up and in this right. So I

598
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: was just this whole thing just made me really uncomfortable.

599
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,040
Speaker 1: Like the face to face confrontation kind of scared me.

600
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, my son is traumatized, and I've

601
00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:44,000
Speaker 1: tried to have open conversations with him, and just just

602
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:50,760
Speaker 1: so he's not traumatized, do you think sitting down and

603
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,640
Speaker 1: having a face to face conversation with his parents would

604
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,760
Speaker 1: be beneficial. I think that you need to I think, yes,

605
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 1: I think you're on the defense and you have every

606
00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:59,760
Speaker 1: I understand why, But I think you need to like

607
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,440
Speaker 1: or your defenses and come from a place of understanding

608
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,600
Speaker 1: and love because they're looking at you as a threat

609
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 1: and a loss. So like you have to be bigger

610
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: than that, and you have to go, Okay, these people

611
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,600
Speaker 1: are scared that they're going to lose their son. They

612
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: found a bunch of things they don't like about me.

613
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 1: Let me make this easier for everybody, you know what

614
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:21,360
Speaker 1: I mean, And you be the bigger person who cares

615
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:23,640
Speaker 1: how they behaved, who cares how they acted. You can

616
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: actually make like a blueprint for them moving forward on

617
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,880
Speaker 1: how you're all going to communicate together. So it is

618
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,040
Speaker 1: a big opportunity for you to be a bigger person

619
00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,640
Speaker 1: and to actually come from your heart, not being defensive,

620
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:37,320
Speaker 1: not trying to get rid of him before he gets

621
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,440
Speaker 1: rid of you, or get rid of him before his

622
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:43,240
Speaker 1: family gets rid of you, because that's not really anything.

623
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,320
Speaker 1: You know, then you might just be losing somebody that's

624
00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 1: supposed to be in your life. If you put the

625
00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:50,800
Speaker 1: effort forth, coming from a place of love, and then

626
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,160
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, then you have no regrets and

627
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,400
Speaker 1: you have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all

628
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,160
Speaker 1: to be ashamed about. And the most disarming thing is

629
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,480
Speaker 1: coming at people with love, because I always say to

630
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:04,120
Speaker 1: my daughter's tug of war only works if both people

631
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,680
Speaker 1: are pulling. And it's so disarming to sort of say,

632
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 1: all right, I'm going to own my part in this.

633
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:14,920
Speaker 1: But when you these conversations, I've learned not to say

634
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:18,680
Speaker 1: you made me feel like this, you did this. I say,

635
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:22,400
Speaker 1: when you said that, all of this insecurity came up

636
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:26,080
Speaker 1: in me, and I'm so sorry if if I haven't,

637
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,960
Speaker 1: I didn't know that was the proper I didn't know

638
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 1: that's what you wanted. And I'll always you know. And

639
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:35,880
Speaker 1: it's once you give them the littlest thing, like you know,

640
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,720
Speaker 1: i'd love to help you in the kitchen. I didn't.

641
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 1: I didn't think whatever did. The reason is then you're

642
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 1: you've lowered the frenetic, like you said, the tenor of

643
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,320
Speaker 1: the whole communication, and then you can say, you know,

644
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to steal your son. I love this,

645
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:53,160
Speaker 1: you know, family, or whatever you have to say. But

646
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:55,840
Speaker 1: I do think that once you come at it from

647
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 1: a place like Telsea said, of love. Nobody can fight

648
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:03,480
Speaker 1: against that. There's no nothing to fight against. Now, they

649
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:07,400
Speaker 1: may not be the kind of arrived people emotionally that

650
00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 1: will be able to handle it. You kind of have

651
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,520
Speaker 1: to be ready for that too, you know. And then

652
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,879
Speaker 1: you're like, look, I'm not I'm not trying to fight

653
00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:18,600
Speaker 1: with you. I'm trying to understand because I felt hurt

654
00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:21,960
Speaker 1: and I felt embarrassed in front of my son. And

655
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:25,040
Speaker 1: this is an important moment. You know, we were on

656
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:28,080
Speaker 1: a vacation. That's a very intimate thing, and I don't

657
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,520
Speaker 1: want that to be the memory from this. Can we

658
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:34,520
Speaker 1: move through this and can we have an open conversation

659
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,719
Speaker 1: so that we can all own this and own our

660
00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 1: truth without hurting each other. Yeah, it's such a good perspective. Yeah. Yeah,

661
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:46,279
Speaker 1: it's the harder thing to do. It's the high road,

662
00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:51,880
Speaker 1: you know, but it's so admirable and it's so freeing because,

663
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:55,200
Speaker 1: like Chelsea said, then there's zero regret and also there's

664
00:34:55,239 --> 00:34:57,759
Speaker 1: no defense in like, you know, if she's defensive, if

665
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,799
Speaker 1: the sisters defensive, if the mother's defensive, you don't match

666
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,440
Speaker 1: that defensiveness. The only way to diffuse that is to

667
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:06,080
Speaker 1: have no reaction to that. Right, So if someone's screaming

668
00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:08,319
Speaker 1: at you and you're not screaming back at them and

669
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:10,680
Speaker 1: you're just looking at them, then where do they go?

670
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:14,320
Speaker 1: But they that situation just diffuses. It has to because

671
00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,879
Speaker 1: you can't yell alone. So like that's where I would

672
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:20,200
Speaker 1: say to you know, to go to mentally when you

673
00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:22,400
Speaker 1: have this conversation, and should be in person, and it

674
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 1: should be with the whole family because they owe you

675
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,480
Speaker 1: that for putting you in that situation in the first place,

676
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,279
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And also I think that

677
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:34,400
Speaker 1: he obviously these are two very strong women in his life.

678
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,200
Speaker 1: Was that his dad there and dad weren't on the

679
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,200
Speaker 1: raft with us, they were back at the camp site.

680
00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:42,279
Speaker 1: Oh okay, but yeah he was there. So see I

681
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:45,360
Speaker 1: wonder if that's the dynamic that has been set since

682
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:47,399
Speaker 1: he was a little boy. You know, you've got these

683
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:51,880
Speaker 1: two demonstrative women, then he always is silenced or his

684
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:55,720
Speaker 1: masculinity is is not you know, important, or he watches

685
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:58,640
Speaker 1: how his mother treats is dead or whatever that is.

686
00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:01,760
Speaker 1: Like that's the stuff that that's coming up and hopefully

687
00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,640
Speaker 1: will be dealt with in therapy. But what's really hard

688
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,400
Speaker 1: to do is to put him and also in a

689
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 1: position like saying why didn't you stick up for me?

690
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 1: That's also a defensive you know, that's also very difficult

691
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:14,960
Speaker 1: because if he doesn't know how to stick up for

692
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:18,080
Speaker 1: himself and probably never did as a child or with

693
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 1: these women, it doesn't matter how much he loves you,

694
00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:24,000
Speaker 1: it's gonna he doesn't have the tools yet. He hasn't

695
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,480
Speaker 1: learned how to stick up for yourself. Vote with love,

696
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,279
Speaker 1: and remember if that's his blueprint for women, like you're

697
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:35,120
Speaker 1: also that woman in his life, another strong willed, powerful woman.

698
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,719
Speaker 1: So remember that when you're dealing with him, because you

699
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: want to have your own dynamic with him, so that

700
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 1: there's also value in dissecting that in therapy with alone

701
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:48,160
Speaker 1: and with each other. Oh my gosh, he's never really

702
00:36:48,239 --> 00:36:51,680
Speaker 1: uncovered any truths about his past until recently. So while

703
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:54,399
Speaker 1: I'm like repairing from what happened on the camping trip,

704
00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:58,040
Speaker 1: he's repairing from all all these years of trauma and

705
00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:03,560
Speaker 1: from his childhood unlearning things that he learned as a kid. Yeah. Wow,

706
00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:06,799
Speaker 1: that kind of patience is huge. And and you know,

707
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:11,000
Speaker 1: I've found in relate my relationships that I'm always better

708
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:17,480
Speaker 1: off if I somehow give them the space to have

709
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,560
Speaker 1: whatever and without being the one that says you have

710
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:23,319
Speaker 1: to do this and I want this, and because you

711
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:24,960
Speaker 1: can do all that. By the way, the fact that

712
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:28,919
Speaker 1: he's going to therapy with you is huge, huge, Yeah,

713
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:34,000
Speaker 1: it is huge. And I think that that's where you

714
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:37,200
Speaker 1: guys can heal, you know, I think in that together

715
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:42,200
Speaker 1: and that's just yours. That's nothing that's not his family. Yeah. Yeah,

716
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,480
Speaker 1: we did make the decision this year. I was going

717
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:49,040
Speaker 1: to ask you, So, my birthday is the day after Christmas.

718
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,200
Speaker 1: His birthday is on the thirtieth, and every year on

719
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,239
Speaker 1: Christmas Eve, we go to his uncle's house for this

720
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:57,480
Speaker 1: big Christmas Eve thing. His sister and his nephew go

721
00:37:57,719 --> 00:37:59,359
Speaker 1: and his mom and dad and just kind of an

722
00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:02,279
Speaker 1: intimate MS Eve thing. We made the decision not to

723
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:05,279
Speaker 1: go just because his sister is going to be there.

724
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:08,760
Speaker 1: It was hard, but we made the decision. So I

725
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 1: was listening to him one day, we were on our

726
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:13,520
Speaker 1: lunch break and he got emotional talking about not going

727
00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: to Christmas Eve. So I'm like, what, I'm going to

728
00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:17,480
Speaker 1: throw a surprise party for him. I've got to do

729
00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:19,960
Speaker 1: something for him, Like I gotta. I've got to repair this.

730
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:23,680
Speaker 1: He's upset. So I texted his mom and I said,

731
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 1: I'd love to throw a surprise party on the thirty,

732
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:29,399
Speaker 1: on his birthday. I'd love for you guys to be there,

733
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:32,520
Speaker 1: if you could bring his nephew, and if you could

734
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:35,080
Speaker 1: reach out to his uncle's as well to come, I

735
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 1: would love that. And they said what his mom's response was,

736
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:43,520
Speaker 1: this puts us in an uncomfortable position because they wouldn't

737
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:46,680
Speaker 1: want to bring the sun without his mom. They're basically

738
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:50,680
Speaker 1: his sister, and I understand that for sure, but but

739
00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:54,759
Speaker 1: now I'm like, well, since I was shot down, that

740
00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:57,040
Speaker 1: was kind of embarrassing because I've put myself out there

741
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: that you're being defensive. Again, you're being defensive, but also

742
00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 1: you put yourself out there in a way that's very hard,

743
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:07,560
Speaker 1: because what that is, that's almost like you're doubling down

744
00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:10,360
Speaker 1: by going, oh, yeah, well I'm going to throw this

745
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,080
Speaker 1: party for him. That's not and then but putting them

746
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:14,880
Speaker 1: in a position where they're not going to invite their

747
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 1: own daughter. So that's not correct what you did. Okay,

748
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:20,360
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be very honest with you, obviously, because I

749
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,760
Speaker 1: can't be anything else but I think you were really

750
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:25,320
Speaker 1: coming from a place where you have to adjust a

751
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,239
Speaker 1: little bit now to these people definitely have adjustments to make,

752
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: but you need to adjust because you're putting them in

753
00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:32,680
Speaker 1: a position where they have to leave out their daughter

754
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:35,239
Speaker 1: for their son's birthday. Paraty. Think about that. That's not

755
00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:37,840
Speaker 1: cool for you to do to a family, and that

756
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 1: is a disruption to a family. And if the most

757
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:43,319
Speaker 1: generous thing you can do is send his mother at

758
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,600
Speaker 1: text back and say, you know what, okay, I understand

759
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,799
Speaker 1: that this puts you in a difficult position. He's very

760
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:52,399
Speaker 1: upset about missing Christmas Eve. Either agree to go with

761
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:56,280
Speaker 1: him and go together and bury the hatchet and send

762
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:59,560
Speaker 1: everyone an email beforehand saying this is such an important

763
00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:02,560
Speaker 1: holiday for your boyfriend and I want to be there

764
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:03,759
Speaker 1: for him, and I just want to be there in

765
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:06,080
Speaker 1: support and love and I don't want to have any

766
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:09,040
Speaker 1: issues or any problems. However you want to say it

767
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:13,120
Speaker 1: in the most gracious way you can find unearthed all

768
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 1: of the therapy that you have gleaned and use it

769
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:18,719
Speaker 1: and give it out right now, and and then go

770
00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:20,839
Speaker 1: to this Christmas Eve dinner if you can, if not

771
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,239
Speaker 1: let him go without you you know, let him be

772
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:26,560
Speaker 1: with his family. Don't take people's families from them. You know,

773
00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:29,080
Speaker 1: I definitely don't want I don't want it to be

774
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:32,359
Speaker 1: my decision at all, right, but just offered up. I'd

775
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:34,760
Speaker 1: stay offered up. And I was gonna say that early.

776
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:38,479
Speaker 1: I was just trying to ease do it. But I

777
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,080
Speaker 1: think the best thing you can do for him and

778
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 1: for yourself is to go to now. I don't I

779
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 1: don't believe they've uninvited you. I'm assuming not, but to

780
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:52,920
Speaker 1: go and kill him with kindness and whatever it is.

781
00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:55,279
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I didn't help you in the kitchen. I

782
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:59,319
Speaker 1: know holidays are really stressful. I wasn't thinking properly jump

783
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:02,239
Speaker 1: in the kitchen and be like I'm cleaning all the

784
00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:04,600
Speaker 1: dishes or without making it a thing, but saying like

785
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:06,920
Speaker 1: I apologize, What can I do to help? Yeah, you

786
00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 1: don't even have to bring up the dishes. Just go

787
00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:11,959
Speaker 1: there this time and help and do all the things

788
00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:14,040
Speaker 1: that they accused you of. Just go in there. You

789
00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,160
Speaker 1: don't have to make it a thing and have a conversation,

790
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:19,240
Speaker 1: just a show by example that you heard what they said,

791
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,239
Speaker 1: regardless of how they came to you, and regardless of

792
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:24,400
Speaker 1: the altercation that happened on the boat. You be the

793
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,520
Speaker 1: bigger person. This is a huge opportunity for you to

794
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:28,359
Speaker 1: go in. You were going to leave that Christmas Eve

795
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 1: dinner feeling fucking victorious. Yeah, God, I hope so you are.

796
00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:35,120
Speaker 1: I promise you you are. You're going to report back

797
00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:38,000
Speaker 1: to us right after. Also, and that's the most loving

798
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:41,360
Speaker 1: thing that you can do for yourself and for your boyfriend.

799
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 1: And you need to apologize to his mother for putting

800
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 1: them in that situation. Also, just say, you know what,

801
00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:49,680
Speaker 1: I wasn't thinking. You're right. I wasn't thinking that wasn't right.

802
00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:52,960
Speaker 1: I'm very sorry for doing that, and I apologize, you

803
00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:54,399
Speaker 1: know what I mean, and then leave it at that.

804
00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:57,720
Speaker 1: Just then, that's a you put that in a text

805
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 1: back to her, you know when she said you're putting

806
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:04,000
Speaker 1: us in an uncomfortable situation. Was that a text from her? Yeah,

807
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,839
Speaker 1: that was a text from his mom. Yeah. I think

808
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,040
Speaker 1: you should apologize to her, say you're right, I didn't

809
00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:11,440
Speaker 1: see it that way. I get it now. And then

810
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:13,360
Speaker 1: whether you want to text them about showing up for

811
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:16,000
Speaker 1: Christmas or talk to your boyfriend and how he wants

812
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,640
Speaker 1: to handle it. But let him know that you're ready

813
00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 1: to go and play ball and have a great time

814
00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:23,359
Speaker 1: and there are no hard feelings and you can deal

815
00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:26,120
Speaker 1: with the other stuff later. Do you think that I

816
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:28,480
Speaker 1: should have a conversation with his sister and I just

817
00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:32,640
Speaker 1: don't see no confrontation kind of Well, you can send

818
00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:34,520
Speaker 1: her a text or an email and just say, hey, listen,

819
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:38,640
Speaker 1: Christmas Eve is coming up. This is what's your boyfriend's name, Taylor, Taylor.

820
00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:41,840
Speaker 1: I know we have some stuff, unfinished business or whatever

821
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:43,719
Speaker 1: however you want to frame it, but be like, this

822
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:46,680
Speaker 1: is the holiday season. I just want Taylor to be

823
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,239
Speaker 1: with his family and be happy. I know this is

824
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:52,000
Speaker 1: meaningful to him. I'm going to do my best to

825
00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:54,000
Speaker 1: show up for you, guys in the ways that you

826
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 1: don't think I have or whatever. Just you know what

827
00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,719
Speaker 1: I mean, vastly in the whole situation, and then go

828
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,480
Speaker 1: in there and demonstrate the fact that you heard what

829
00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 1: they said and you're you're still in therapy. You guys

830
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:06,919
Speaker 1: have all the time in the world to figure out

831
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:09,680
Speaker 1: the nuances and the intricacies of how you want to

832
00:43:09,719 --> 00:43:12,800
Speaker 1: handle this situation. But in the meantime, go and show

833
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:16,800
Speaker 1: yourself and make the situation lovely it's a good challenge

834
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:19,160
Speaker 1: for yourself. You don't have to get into it with anybody.

835
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:22,560
Speaker 1: If anyone says anything untoward towards you, just let it

836
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:24,560
Speaker 1: roll over, you know, let it roll off your back.

837
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:28,160
Speaker 1: Use it as an exercise. And also you've said more

838
00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:31,960
Speaker 1: than one time, I don't want it to be my decision. Well,

839
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,080
Speaker 1: it has to be your decision, but it has to

840
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:37,160
Speaker 1: be your decision under the right auspices, you know, with

841
00:43:37,239 --> 00:43:40,799
Speaker 1: the right heart, because he's in trauma with the all

842
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:44,959
Speaker 1: with the whole process and dealing with issues that he's

843
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,520
Speaker 1: had with his parents or with his mom and his sister.

844
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:49,800
Speaker 1: You know, this is not the first time. I'm sure

845
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,320
Speaker 1: something they have put him in some this position before.

846
00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:56,560
Speaker 1: He's looking to you also without saying it, to make

847
00:43:56,640 --> 00:44:00,880
Speaker 1: a decision, but do it because of love, and they

848
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,160
Speaker 1: won't have anything to fight against. But you know, Chelsea's right,

849
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,200
Speaker 1: like the actions are going to speak louder than any

850
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:09,279
Speaker 1: text any words. Yeah, and I want you to think

851
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 1: about it in this way when you go in there.

852
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,400
Speaker 1: This relationship may work and there are this relationship may

853
00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:16,560
Speaker 1: not work. But either way they were always going to

854
00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:18,760
Speaker 1: look back at the Christmas Eve that their son missed

855
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:20,719
Speaker 1: and blame the girl that was be the cause of that.

856
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 1: So don't be that girl. Go be the girl that

857
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:25,840
Speaker 1: actually looked over all of it and said, fuck it,

858
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,480
Speaker 1: we're coming anyway. I'm a bigger person than this. I'm

859
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:30,960
Speaker 1: not gonna let you bring me down. I'm gonna be

860
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,880
Speaker 1: here to support my boyfriend, and I'm gonna be here

861
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:35,239
Speaker 1: and show you what a loving family member I can be,

862
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,360
Speaker 1: just for now, just so that that's not the memory

863
00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:40,320
Speaker 1: that any of you have that he missed a Christmas

864
00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:42,840
Speaker 1: Eve with his family because of some woman, do you

865
00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Yeah, and your son too. It's

866
00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:49,719
Speaker 1: really good for your son to see how you've processed

867
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:52,600
Speaker 1: this information and see how you show up, see how

868
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:56,319
Speaker 1: you show up for yourself, and the graciousness of that

869
00:44:57,040 --> 00:45:01,080
Speaker 1: is is such a good trait, my god. That Yeah,

870
00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:05,520
Speaker 1: I really need to stop being stop being defensive and

871
00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:09,360
Speaker 1: think of these two words grace and dignity. Grace and dignity.

872
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:11,719
Speaker 1: Whenever I am dealing with somebody that I want to

873
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:15,120
Speaker 1: fucking kill, I think about grace and dignity, and then

874
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:17,640
Speaker 1: I just exude that. Oh my god, and yeah, and

875
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:20,880
Speaker 1: putting myself in an uncomfortable position is only going to

876
00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 1: be beneficial for me. You know, nothing bad can come

877
00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:26,080
Speaker 1: from that. They also, you know that they've put you

878
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 1: in a position to It's like they're trying to win, right,

879
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:32,920
Speaker 1: and so if you cower away or then pull him away,

880
00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:35,920
Speaker 1: they've they've won. You know, they've won, and they're right

881
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,840
Speaker 1: in everything they've said. But if you show them that

882
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:42,120
Speaker 1: they're actually not right and this is how and this

883
00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:46,239
Speaker 1: is why, then there's nothing else. Either there's something much

884
00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:49,120
Speaker 1: much deeper, and it'll come out or it won't come out.

885
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:53,680
Speaker 1: But the important thing is is that you are taking

886
00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:56,840
Speaker 1: this and saying, wow, I had no idea. Whether you

887
00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:59,200
Speaker 1: agree with it or not, it's not the point. Yeah,

888
00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:02,840
Speaker 1: these little gestures like I hurt them in some way

889
00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:06,000
Speaker 1: and just that, did they ever say that word you

890
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:09,279
Speaker 1: hurt me? No? But you know, there were a lot

891
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:13,240
Speaker 1: of different things that happened that were said. I don't

892
00:46:13,239 --> 00:46:15,759
Speaker 1: really remember all of them. I just immediately put up

893
00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:18,760
Speaker 1: a guard, immediately got defensive, like whoa, whoa, whoa who whoa,

894
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:21,439
Speaker 1: Like y'all have never said this to me. And that's

895
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:23,600
Speaker 1: kind of what I was focusing on, was the fact

896
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:26,759
Speaker 1: that they've never said that to me. But they're saying

897
00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:29,640
Speaker 1: it now, so now I address it, you know. And also,

898
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:31,640
Speaker 1: you know, is this is the way you've really always

899
00:46:31,640 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 1: felt about me. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to do

900
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:37,960
Speaker 1: anything to you, and that it was never my intention,

901
00:46:38,239 --> 00:46:40,560
Speaker 1: and and try not to play like a victim role

902
00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 1: at all. Just try not to be emotional about it.

903
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 1: I understand you have your emotions and you have your

904
00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:48,680
Speaker 1: right to them, but like, just try to be even

905
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:51,239
Speaker 1: and just think about grace and dignity throughout the whole thing.

906
00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:55,040
Speaker 1: Even if someone says something untoward or unkind or a

907
00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:57,640
Speaker 1: little you know, slight, you can just look the other

908
00:46:57,719 --> 00:47:01,920
Speaker 1: way and just not engage, not react. It's not your place.

909
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 1: You're just here to support your boyfriend. That's it. Yeah,

910
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:07,799
Speaker 1: don't make it about me, right, Yeah, and don't make

911
00:47:07,840 --> 00:47:10,680
Speaker 1: it a self fulfilling prophecy that you're the gal coming

912
00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 1: in to keep him from his family. I'm I'm being

913
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:16,359
Speaker 1: the bigger person. Yeah, this is this is yeah, And yeah,

914
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:19,880
Speaker 1: don't expect like a metal or anything either, Like that's

915
00:47:19,880 --> 00:47:23,759
Speaker 1: the like, but I've done the altruistic thing, you know,

916
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,040
Speaker 1: and it's like it's not the way it works, and

917
00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:28,160
Speaker 1: it's like it's almost like you have to do a

918
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:31,560
Speaker 1: random act of kindness. You know, it's a very targeted

919
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:34,160
Speaker 1: random act of kindness to snap out of it. My

920
00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:36,640
Speaker 1: mom used to pay the toll of the car behind

921
00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:40,160
Speaker 1: us and then just keep driving, and she and I'd say, oh, well,

922
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:41,640
Speaker 1: you know, they don't know it's you. And because that's

923
00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:43,560
Speaker 1: why it's a random act of kindness, you don't pull

924
00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:45,880
Speaker 1: over on the side of the road and point to yourself.

925
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:49,759
Speaker 1: I paid me. You know you're welcome. Yeah, you do

926
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:56,120
Speaker 1: it without getting anything back, right, yeah? Yeah, Well Jesse,

927
00:47:56,800 --> 00:47:59,680
Speaker 1: let us know how it goes, okay, and I will

928
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:02,319
Speaker 1: very good luck. Thank you. I think you's your son.

929
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 1: It's the best thing to do for your son too. Ye.

930
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:08,480
Speaker 1: Conflict resolution, We've been talking a lot about about that,

931
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:11,399
Speaker 1: like how kids will see arguments and they don't see

932
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,839
Speaker 1: them resolved. So but I can't thank you all enough.

933
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:19,279
Speaker 1: This was like huge for me, and I'm just I'm really,

934
00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:21,200
Speaker 1: really really happy that I got to talk to you.

935
00:48:21,239 --> 00:48:24,239
Speaker 1: All right, Well, good luck with everything, okay, thank you,

936
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 1: and keep us posted, okay, thank you, will all right,

937
00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:32,320
Speaker 1: bye bye bye, Brooke. You're so good at this. Oh god,

938
00:48:32,440 --> 00:48:35,000
Speaker 1: I've never done anything like this before in my life.

939
00:48:35,000 --> 00:48:38,320
Speaker 1: I'm sweating. Guys. She took up our whole fucking episode.

940
00:48:38,400 --> 00:48:40,240
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, this is a serious

941
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:43,040
Speaker 1: situation because, you know what, when that call started, I

942
00:48:43,080 --> 00:48:45,920
Speaker 1: was like same, And once they I realized what they

943
00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:48,160
Speaker 1: said to her, I'm like, well, wait a second, maybe

944
00:48:48,239 --> 00:48:51,000
Speaker 1: they have a fucking point, because you know, there are

945
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:54,120
Speaker 1: obviously two sides to every story. And then with her defensiveness,

946
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:55,640
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, we're gonna have to spend a little

947
00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:57,640
Speaker 1: extra time with her because she does need to take

948
00:48:57,680 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 1: it down a notch. Right, Right, if someone showed up

949
00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:02,279
Speaker 1: at my house, I don't care who they are, and

950
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:05,120
Speaker 1: they didn't at least attempt to help with the dishes,

951
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:08,319
Speaker 1: it's like one oh one, Yeah, so that's a little

952
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,120
Speaker 1: bit askew. Right, you don't say, nobody's gonna say, can

953
00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:13,360
Speaker 1: you come help with the dishes? As a guest, you

954
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:15,480
Speaker 1: don't have. That's not their job to ask you. It's

955
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:17,920
Speaker 1: your job to get my mom this I was. I

956
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:20,800
Speaker 1: was like a kid, kid, like five or something, and

957
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:24,400
Speaker 1: I went over to this little rich boy's house and

958
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,759
Speaker 1: after we were finished eating, I brought my dishes to

959
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:32,839
Speaker 1: the sink and the mom called my mom later and said, yes, well,

960
00:49:33,080 --> 00:49:35,320
Speaker 1: we just wanted you to know that we have people

961
00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:39,000
Speaker 1: to do that. And so you tell your daughter that

962
00:49:39,080 --> 00:49:42,000
Speaker 1: she she shouldn't bring her dishes to the sink, and

963
00:49:42,080 --> 00:49:46,879
Speaker 1: my mother said, well, we don't have people, and don't

964
00:49:46,920 --> 00:49:49,040
Speaker 1: worry about it because she's never coming over to your

965
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 1: house again. Click. She was always like, come on, you

966
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:59,759
Speaker 1: gotta do it. It's they're little things go a long way. Yeah. Yeah, seriously.

967
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,880
Speaker 1: So let's take a quick break and we'll be right

968
00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:09,879
Speaker 1: back to wrap up with Brooke and Chelsea. And we're

969
00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:12,319
Speaker 1: back to wrap up with Bookshield, who has been a

970
00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:16,200
Speaker 1: delight as Oh my god, good advice. Brook. I mean,

971
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 1: that was our longest call ever, I think, Catherine, but

972
00:50:19,400 --> 00:50:23,960
Speaker 1: it was complicated. Well, I'm kind of both. No, I'm

973
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:25,560
Speaker 1: I was down for it. Listen, I could have been

974
00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:27,279
Speaker 1: on the phone with her all day. I'm I'm down

975
00:50:27,320 --> 00:50:31,160
Speaker 1: with that totally. Well, you know what, Brooke, do you

976
00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:33,440
Speaker 1: have any advice you'd like from Chelsea? Yes? Brooke, do

977
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:36,000
Speaker 1: you have any advice you would like to ask me? Well,

978
00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:38,359
Speaker 1: there was one bit of advice that I was like,

979
00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:42,640
Speaker 1: because I don't this is really from your special because

980
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:46,880
Speaker 1: I'm really bad with any kind of drug, like I

981
00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:49,279
Speaker 1: can't take anything. And I was like, I'm going to

982
00:50:49,360 --> 00:50:52,160
Speaker 1: ask her what she thinks would work for me, to

983
00:50:52,239 --> 00:50:54,839
Speaker 1: sort of dial me down a little bit every once

984
00:50:54,840 --> 00:50:58,600
Speaker 1: in a while so that I could relax a little more. Yeah, honestly,

985
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,640
Speaker 1: I don't think you're I don't think you're cut out

986
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,680
Speaker 1: for drugs either. I think I know what you mean.

987
00:51:02,800 --> 00:51:04,840
Speaker 1: I know. I mean, like I hate of a joint

988
00:51:04,840 --> 00:51:07,359
Speaker 1: would be fine for you, not inedible because those are

989
00:51:07,400 --> 00:51:09,800
Speaker 1: like long, but like just a hit, not a joint,

990
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:11,839
Speaker 1: but just a hit would just take the edge off

991
00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:14,600
Speaker 1: and make you a little bit loosey, goosey and giggly

992
00:51:14,680 --> 00:51:17,400
Speaker 1: and not probably as tightly wound as you may feel,

993
00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:19,919
Speaker 1: because I can. I know you and I you've talked

994
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:21,880
Speaker 1: about it, and you know I feel tightly wound a

995
00:51:21,880 --> 00:51:23,480
Speaker 1: lot of the times too, even though people would not

996
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:26,000
Speaker 1: find that hard to believe. I am, you know, I

997
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:28,319
Speaker 1: can be really stressed out about stuff, and I find

998
00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:30,720
Speaker 1: a hit of a joint, not a smoking a joint,

999
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:33,360
Speaker 1: a cannabis drink would be good too. I'll send you

1000
00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:35,640
Speaker 1: some leisure town here. So you know what I do, though,

1001
00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:38,440
Speaker 1: is I try to beat it, like I try to

1002
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:42,680
Speaker 1: win at it. So the moment where you go, wait

1003
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 1: a minute, did I did I just go somewhere Now

1004
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:47,960
Speaker 1: I'm back? That makes me like panic. I know, you

1005
00:51:48,040 --> 00:51:49,560
Speaker 1: can need to have like less than two and a

1006
00:51:49,600 --> 00:51:52,320
Speaker 1: half milligrams. You need leisure Town. This is a cannabis

1007
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,719
Speaker 1: drink that has two and a half milligrams. You have

1008
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:57,560
Speaker 1: to start with that and it just micro dose and

1009
00:51:57,600 --> 00:51:59,920
Speaker 1: that's it and that's all you need and you will

1010
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:02,680
Speaker 1: feel it and you won't get crazy and you won't

1011
00:52:02,719 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 1: go overboard. Okay, I mean I like tequila. You do,

1012
00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 1: like there's nothing wrong with drinking. You don't have a

1013
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:11,760
Speaker 1: drinking problem. Books, you don't have to worry about becoming

1014
00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:15,600
Speaker 1: your mother. That's already a rap, Like You're not that person, right.

1015
00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:17,960
Speaker 1: I do have one question, though, this is a different

1016
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:23,640
Speaker 1: type of question as a you said you're not an actress,

1017
00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:28,160
Speaker 1: but you really your talent and your performance, the level

1018
00:52:28,160 --> 00:52:33,520
Speaker 1: of rejection that is in this industry, Yes, how do

1019
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:38,160
Speaker 1: you find the way to say no, I'm I'm really

1020
00:52:38,160 --> 00:52:41,160
Speaker 1: good and I'm going to keep putting myself out there

1021
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,480
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to take it personally, you know,

1022
00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:45,920
Speaker 1: when you get doors slammed in your face, or you

1023
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:49,239
Speaker 1: don't get so many of these things. What's the thing

1024
00:52:49,280 --> 00:52:52,520
Speaker 1: inside you that makes you say no, no, no, no no, no,

1025
00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:55,360
Speaker 1: no, no no, nope, nope, nope. I will not be rejected

1026
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:59,200
Speaker 1: like this. I'm a hustler. God, that's me too, And

1027
00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:01,359
Speaker 1: you're always gonna your been here this whole time. So

1028
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:04,400
Speaker 1: you've been here for thirty something years forty well for you,

1029
00:53:04,520 --> 00:53:07,760
Speaker 1: I don't even know how many years because I started

1030
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:10,399
Speaker 1: when I was eleven months old, right, Okay, there you go,

1031
00:53:10,560 --> 00:53:12,200
Speaker 1: and so you've been here this whole time, so you're

1032
00:53:12,239 --> 00:53:14,880
Speaker 1: not going anywhere, so funk. Anybody who says no, listen,

1033
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:18,920
Speaker 1: rejection fucking sucks. I've rejected all the time too. It hurts,

1034
00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:20,799
Speaker 1: it hurts, It hurts, it hurts, But it's not all

1035
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:23,879
Speaker 1: there is. There's always there's acceptance, and there's the one

1036
00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:25,759
Speaker 1: person that says yes, or the one person that gives

1037
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:28,279
Speaker 1: you the deal or the opportunity or the podcast or

1038
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 1: this or that. And when you're a hustler, you will

1039
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:33,640
Speaker 1: always find a way. So that's what you are. That's

1040
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:37,000
Speaker 1: why I've lived my life. And you know, people will

1041
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:39,520
Speaker 1: say to me, oh, you have such a varied career.

1042
00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:42,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, why do you think that is. That's when

1043
00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:45,640
Speaker 1: I'm shut out over here. I'm like, oh, God, write

1044
00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:49,160
Speaker 1: a book or you know. And it's because I will

1045
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:52,400
Speaker 1: not not be creative in some way or another. I

1046
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:56,200
Speaker 1: just I hadn't heard you say it that way. I've

1047
00:53:56,239 --> 00:53:59,480
Speaker 1: always when people say how are you, I say, it's

1048
00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:04,200
Speaker 1: all soul, no matter what, it's all hustle. And there's

1049
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,440
Speaker 1: something liberating about that too. So you know what. Also,

1050
00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:11,359
Speaker 1: I'm proud of being a hustler. That's a great way

1051
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:14,080
Speaker 1: to be. Yeah, my mom would be proud of both

1052
00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:16,920
Speaker 1: of us. Well, thank you Brooks so much. It was

1053
00:54:16,960 --> 00:54:19,360
Speaker 1: such a fun time talking to you. Thanks for taking

1054
00:54:19,360 --> 00:54:21,759
Speaker 1: the time to do this. Thank you. You look like

1055
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,120
Speaker 1: you're in a beautiful, snowy place. I hope you're in

1056
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Speaker 1: apecial place whatever that is, and enjoying the weather. Thank you,

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Speaker 1: Thank you. I am good, feel better. Thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: Have a great day. Thank you. Don't forget to watch

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Speaker 1: my special on Netflix. You guys revolution. It's a revolution.

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Speaker 1: So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us

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Speaker 1: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

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Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio executive

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Speaker 1: produced by Nick Stump, produced by Catherine Law and edited

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Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert.