Speaker 1: I'm ready for labor. Of course you would be. But
Speaker 1: I will say if labor and delivery was that bad,
Speaker 1: everyone would be an only child dead. Hey, I'm Cadine
Speaker 1: and we're the Ellises. You may know us from posting
Speaker 1: funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly
Speaker 1: as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need
Speaker 1: therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most
Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about through the lens of
Speaker 1: a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that
Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and
Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow Talk
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts writing out.
Speaker 1: We had lots of stories because we got mad kids, y'all.
Speaker 1: But this story in particular is the morning of Kaz's
Speaker 1: birth right, and in full of you who watched our
Speaker 1: birthing vlog, you remember how it started. I'm sleeping the bed,
Speaker 1: k runs in the room, shakes me, shakes me about
Speaker 1: I'm like, what what what she goes? Baby, I think
Speaker 1: it's time, Betty. I think it's sounded like a wounding,
Speaker 1: know she would like Mimi, and she was the nerves
Speaker 1: coming down the throat and I was like, what's the matter.
Speaker 1: She was just like, I know, I don't think I'm ready.
Speaker 1: But we was ready because a week private I already
Speaker 1: inflated the pool. All we had to do was put
Speaker 1: some water in there. Whence the kid was ready. Um,
Speaker 1: we called the minute we knew how water broke. We
Speaker 1: called her parents, called her brother, sister, called my brother, UH,
Speaker 1: called my sister. We called my parents, we called doll,
Speaker 1: we called the god parents, and we was getting prepared.
Speaker 1: So the funny thing is when you're having a home birth,
Speaker 1: people don't realize that the best part about having a
Speaker 1: home birth is that you can include family to create ambiance. So,
Speaker 1: you know, I've been doing this fatherhood thing for a
Speaker 1: little bit now, So I knew that our baby was
Speaker 1: gonna come within six hours, because that what Kyroe. He
Speaker 1: came within six hours. So I told everybody rushed over there,
Speaker 1: and I wanted the first couple hours of the home
Speaker 1: birthing process to be kind of like Thanksgiving in Christmas,
Speaker 1: so we all got together in the living room. We
Speaker 1: were watching movies. Kay was bouncing on the boats suit ball,
Speaker 1: I was pushing on her hips in her back, and
Speaker 1: Zakari came and acted to the duel. In that moment,
Speaker 1: she was helping with the whole home birthing process, and
Speaker 1: in six hours, almost on the dots, Cats came was born.
Speaker 1: Push it really good, Push it real good, getting ready
Speaker 1: to push, getting ready to push. The crazy part about
Speaker 1: pushing that I think only women who have experienced it. No,
Speaker 1: when time comes to push, there's no way not to push.
Speaker 1: There's just no way not to push. That's just how
Speaker 1: it works. It's almost as if the body just un
Speaker 1: involuntarily starts pushing and you have no choice but to
Speaker 1: ride the wave and go with it. Before you get started,
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break. We can pay some bills,
Speaker 1: and when we come right back, we're gonna get into
Speaker 1: your birth, involved into home. Yeah, I'll pick up on
Speaker 1: my version of Devour story time and how I felt
Speaker 1: in that moment. We'll be right back that wounded goat situation,
Speaker 1: because that could sense the shakiness in my voice. It
Speaker 1: was one of those things where in that moment, I
Speaker 1: felt like I was empowered. Leading up to this process,
Speaker 1: we had done our due diligence, We did our research.
Speaker 1: I got the blessing from my O B G. Y
Speaker 1: Into then transferred to a midwife. I vetted to Kia.
Speaker 1: Our midwife shoutouts as a Kia she is like second
Speaker 1: to none. And I did my research. I had my
Speaker 1: visits with her. She told me how to channel the
Speaker 1: idea of pain into that moment when I'm going to
Speaker 1: meet my baby. There were so many things, you know,
Speaker 1: and then it hit me like I'm actually supposed to
Speaker 1: employ all those things that I've learned right now, you know.
Speaker 1: So it was just one of those moments where I
Speaker 1: I just I knew it was coming. There was no
Speaker 1: way to stop it. There was only one way out,
Speaker 1: you know. Um, and he's nervous. I was nervous. She
Speaker 1: was nervous. He was nervous. I was nervous. Um. It
Speaker 1: did help, though, having family and friends nearby to just
Speaker 1: kind of, you know, take the edge off, take my
Speaker 1: mind off of things. Cad was born a couple of
Speaker 1: days after Thanksgiving, so it was like, you know, family
Speaker 1: was in town, My grandmother was there. Um, so the
Speaker 1: distraction was nice, you know. And I'll never forget my brother,
Speaker 1: who was probably even more nervous for me. At various
Speaker 1: points throughout labor. He was like, he'll come over to
Speaker 1: me and whisper and he'd be like, you know, you
Speaker 1: don't have to do this right, Okay, you know the
Speaker 1: hospitals like tim in this away, right, we can go
Speaker 1: to the hospital, okay, and I know, let's let's take
Speaker 1: take them back to Jackson. And how we even got
Speaker 1: to this home birthing process because it wasn't like, hey,
Speaker 1: let's just have a home. It was like a process
Speaker 1: to get here from child one to child three. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was very thought out. So let's start initially. I
Speaker 1: don't think we've ever told this full story on the podcast.
Speaker 1: When they when it came time to for Jackson's birth. Um,
Speaker 1: I was in the gym. We were living in Brooklyn
Speaker 1: at the time, very young, I believe, and Kay was
Speaker 1: pregnant but she was still working at mac so at
Speaker 1: the time. When she was working at mac her diet
Speaker 1: and her exercise routine was horrible, terrible because the Johnny Rockets,
Speaker 1: like everyday they knew me. And you know, it's something
Speaker 1: about people wanting to feed pregnant people. I think they
Speaker 1: don't want to stig in there. EI. They're like, Yo,
Speaker 1: you want this, Johnny Rocketsburg and fries. You're gonna get
Speaker 1: this right now. So they and they made sure she
Speaker 1: was happy. But it was very high sodium right on
Speaker 1: top of the fact that she was working crazy. I
Speaker 1: was in retail that she was getting dehydrated. So she
Speaker 1: went to the hospital and your living enzymes were elevated,
Speaker 1: so they thought she had pre clamps here. So because
Speaker 1: her liberal enzymes are elevated, they were like, hey, we're
Speaker 1: gonna induce you and get the baby out there because
Speaker 1: not safe. So I'm in the gym. I get a
Speaker 1: phone call. Hey, we're gonna induce K. So I'm like cool.
Speaker 1: That was around eight o'clock, nine o'clock. I got this
Speaker 1: phone call. Um. First she told me she was just
Speaker 1: going to the doctor. That's what she said, to get
Speaker 1: checked out. Then she said, hey, baby, it's gonna happen.
Speaker 1: They're gonna induce me. So I was like cool. This
Speaker 1: was three weeks prior to when Jackson was supposed to
Speaker 1: be born. So I finished my my set at the gym.
Speaker 1: I had some clients at it. You finished. You didn't
Speaker 1: just drop everything in league because you don't remember that.
Speaker 1: You told me like, don't rush because there's going to
Speaker 1: be a process for them to induce me, and there's
Speaker 1: nothing you can do when you get here, So finish.
Speaker 1: So I finished my clients. When I was done my clients,
Speaker 1: about nine o'clock, I headed to the hospital and then
Speaker 1: that's when all of the excitement started with the epidural.
Speaker 1: All right, yeah, I promise y'all if I catch the
Speaker 1: woman on the street that administered the epidural, I'm fighting
Speaker 1: her to this day. To this day, I've never in
Speaker 1: my life ever wanted to put hands on the woman,
Speaker 1: especially elderly woman. And she wasn't really that she was
Speaker 1: the elderly, but elderly, but she was older than us
Speaker 1: because we was in our twenties at that time. But
Speaker 1: I wanted to fight this woman. We were in it
Speaker 1: when in the room and case sitting on the bed
Speaker 1: and she had asked for an epiduro. Um, no you
Speaker 1: didn't ask for well, real quick, when the induction started,
Speaker 1: the nurse came in and said, just so you know,
Speaker 1: this thing can take up to twenty four hours to
Speaker 1: even start working. Actively, So if you were to get
Speaker 1: an epidural, it would be wise because you get some sleep,
Speaker 1: you won't be tired by the time the baby comes,
Speaker 1: you'll be able to push. So she kind of almost
Speaker 1: sold me the idea of the epidural because I didn't
Speaker 1: necessarily ask for it in the beginning. It was just like, girl,
Speaker 1: you're about to get into so there's ship might hit
Speaker 1: the fan, just so you know it's available to you.
Speaker 1: And that's where the temptation comes. Being in the hospital.
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, you see your first baby here
Speaker 1: about this pane. So it's like, damn, let me just
Speaker 1: go ahead and get this epidural because I don't want
Speaker 1: to feel it. And both her mom and my mom
Speaker 1: had three kids naturally, no epidrol, no nothing, so I
Speaker 1: don't We never even had the discussion. That's another thing
Speaker 1: about young parents and not knowing. Kadina and I had
Speaker 1: never had the conversation of whether to get an epidul
Speaker 1: or not hit an epidule, which is something I think
Speaker 1: you should have with your partner. And definitely have a
Speaker 1: birthing plan, which we're gonna talk about our birthday plan
Speaker 1: on our next podcast, but have a birthing plan with
Speaker 1: your partner so that you're not caught off guard like
Speaker 1: Codina and I were caught off guard in that moment.
Speaker 1: So I come in there. They decide they're gonna give
Speaker 1: it the epidule. They're like, hey, Mr Ellis, you know
Speaker 1: you can stay. So of course I'm gonna stay. This
Speaker 1: is my baby. I'm sitting there in front of her,
Speaker 1: and the lady goes, you want to sit down, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I need to say. I got to too,
Speaker 1: so I'm good with needles. She put out the needle.
Speaker 1: The needle was like this big yo, like eight ft
Speaker 1: long bro. So instantly my legs get weak, right, So
Speaker 1: I'm like, ye know, I'm about to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 1: Codein grabs me right. She's like, You're not going nowhere, right,
Speaker 1: So I was like, I sounded like you look, you
Speaker 1: look me dead in my eyes. You look at me.
Speaker 1: I was like, you ain't going out a damn place.
Speaker 1: I'm like, nope, not doing it. I was like, all right,
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna stay. So I was supposed to be
Speaker 1: holding her up, but realistically she was holding me up
Speaker 1: because I legit was about to pass out right. The
Speaker 1: lady takes the needle, she goes inside. Codein goes who
Speaker 1: like Michael Jackson, right, and then the lady pulls the
Speaker 1: needle out, and I'm like, what happened? I literally felt
Speaker 1: like I was electrocuted, but only on the right side
Speaker 1: of my body, so like my left arm and leg
Speaker 1: jerked forward in an involuntary motion that I felt like
Speaker 1: I got shot. So she clearly hit some sort of nerves,
Speaker 1: the nerve. So then she goes, you moved, you moved,
Speaker 1: and I was like, she didn't move. She didn't move
Speaker 1: until after you pulled the freaking needle out, right. But
Speaker 1: he's like, you stop moving, Like she was very harsh,
Speaker 1: so you must stop moving, you must stop moving. So
Speaker 1: out I went from being like like nervous and feeling
Speaker 1: queasy to get in real mad. Like I was like real,
Speaker 1: real mad. Right, So now I'm not even holding cadein anymore.
Speaker 1: I got my hands down on the bed and I'm
Speaker 1: just watching the lady because I'm just watching what she's doing.
Speaker 1: So she goes in again, and the Codeine is sitting
Speaker 1: there and she's holding my holding my arms in my shirt.
Speaker 1: I got my my arms on the bed and then
Speaker 1: Codeine goes again, and I see Codeine like clench up again,
Speaker 1: and lady pulls it out and she's like, tell her
Speaker 1: stop moving, and I'm like, yo, she's not moving, like
Speaker 1: you don't know what you're doing. So now me and
Speaker 1: her are having this little back and forth and codeans
Speaker 1: like about please about please, about please. So I'm not
Speaker 1: saying anything. I'm sitting there. The lady goes in for
Speaker 1: a third time and finally gets the needle in. Right
Speaker 1: at this point, I asked you how she feels. She
Speaker 1: actually feels fine, but she said she felt like some
Speaker 1: tingling in your leg. Yeah, well at that point once
Speaker 1: it was in, I don't know. Again, I didn't know
Speaker 1: what to expect her what you feel. So I did
Speaker 1: start to feel a little bit of tingling, a little
Speaker 1: bit of numbness, But then I also still felt pressure
Speaker 1: as I began to progress in it, so feeling the pressure,
Speaker 1: I still felt a little pain. So I feel like
Speaker 1: I kind of just got a botched epidural job, like
Speaker 1: it didn't see what it was supposed to do. It
Speaker 1: wasn't giving what it was supposed to give, and she
Speaker 1: didn't understand the assignment clearly. And I think it's important
Speaker 1: for parents to know that you could ask questions prior
Speaker 1: to it. What should I feel during this epidural? What
Speaker 1: are the best practices, what are the red flags? What
Speaker 1: to look for, what not to look for? Absolutely, before
Speaker 1: you get any procedure done to you, you should know.
Speaker 1: And we didn't educate ourselves. We we really didn't have
Speaker 1: that conversation, which to us was a ball drop on
Speaker 1: our part. That wasn't anyone else's ball drop, but that
Speaker 1: was our ball were young parents, for sure. So time
Speaker 1: goes on, and as time goes on, the night turns
Speaker 1: into daytime. It's about nine, nine thirty in the morning.
Speaker 1: I forgot what Tim Jackson was born, but it is
Speaker 1: not in the morning. I still remember nine times. I
Speaker 1: know you remember times. I'm pretty sure you would. It's
Speaker 1: not thirty in the morning. The Dodgs like, hey, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. This is gonna take some time.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go get some breakfast. Codine was telling me
Speaker 1: that she did not feel good. She was just like,
Speaker 1: I feel like I feel like something's coming coming. That's
Speaker 1: what she kept saying to me. I feel like something's coming, baby.
Speaker 1: And I was just like, all right, well, let me
Speaker 1: get the doctors. She's like, oh, I'm gonna grab a coffee,
Speaker 1: I said, doc. She says, she feels like something coming.
Speaker 1: She's like her first baby. You know it's gonna take time.
Speaker 1: I went back in the in the thing. All I
Speaker 1: seen was here coming out, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: and it feels like I feel like I should push.
Speaker 1: I feel like I should push. Your Coadine was pushing
Speaker 1: at times, and then I guess the contraction wasn't supposed
Speaker 1: to be coming. So I called the durst, I said, nurse, nurse, nurse,
Speaker 1: I see the baby. Jackson is crowning now, right, Kaye
Speaker 1: pushes one time, half his head is out. Then the
Speaker 1: doctor comes flying in. Right, didn't get a chance to
Speaker 1: get the coffee. She's like, okay, then okay, you're gonna
Speaker 1: push one more time. You're gonna push one more time
Speaker 1: because he's like when when? When? When? When? And then
Speaker 1: um the doctor was looking at the contraction made Kaye pushes,
Speaker 1: Jackson comes out bound. Jackson was born with a club
Speaker 1: foot five months agram we knew. So they saw him
Speaker 1: with the club foot. They immediately took him to the
Speaker 1: orthopedic surgeon to fit him for his cast. Because he
Speaker 1: had to put the cast, and then it was just
Speaker 1: me codein and her mom in the room. Her mom
Speaker 1: walks out, I'm like, hey, babe, how are you feeling.
Speaker 1: How you're feeling? Codine is looking starting to look a
Speaker 1: little flush and then look a little great, like you
Speaker 1: see this golden brownness this point, I don't have. This
Speaker 1: golden browness was not golden brown. It was looking like this,
Speaker 1: like a slab of slate. So I'm like, baby, are
Speaker 1: and she's like, I'm just kind of tired. So then
Speaker 1: I stepped from up top to go down to see
Speaker 1: if everything was okay down there, because I know that
Speaker 1: you had at least check down there to see that everything.
Speaker 1: That's awfully brave of you, because most men don't want
Speaker 1: to see down there because they don't know if it's
Speaker 1: gonna go back to them. Well, it's a good thing
Speaker 1: that I did, because I went down there and it
Speaker 1: was like Texas chains all Mexica, like it was just blood.
Speaker 1: Was just she out like when I was like, my
Speaker 1: is this supposed to look like this? Now? Her mom
Speaker 1: had three kids. My mom had three kids. Her mom
Speaker 1: directive nursing. Her mom came down and said, um, no,
Speaker 1: calls for the nurse, calls for the nurse, calls for
Speaker 1: the doctor. The nurse comes in, the nurse calls for
Speaker 1: the doctor. They all run in now, and when they
Speaker 1: run in, they're like prep the o R. They start
Speaker 1: looking inside of her, and I'm asking questions. I'm like,
Speaker 1: what's happening, what's happening, what's happening. At this point, they
Speaker 1: will cadine away and I kept asking what's happening? And
Speaker 1: then I don't remember anything after that, and that's what
Speaker 1: my mom. I don't remember much after that either. Yeah,
Speaker 1: my mom was just like they had to calm me down,
Speaker 1: sit me down, and then connine went to surgery for
Speaker 1: four hours. So my case was very rare. Um what
Speaker 1: must have happened along the way, but just only what
Speaker 1: we can deduce now after I spoke to my doctor
Speaker 1: when it happens is that, um, I might have my
Speaker 1: body might have been pushing, or I might have been
Speaker 1: shame when I wasn't supposed to, but it was hard
Speaker 1: to tell because the epidural didn't really give me a
Speaker 1: sign of that, and I tore internally, which I didn't
Speaker 1: even know was a thing. So most women will have
Speaker 1: to have what they call in a psotomy where they
Speaker 1: have to cut you at the bottom or you may tear.
Speaker 1: I tore internally, so my servix is what tour so
Speaker 1: to repair that. It was kind of like, even just
Speaker 1: thinking about it now, I'm just like, how do they
Speaker 1: even get in there to do that? You know? Um?
Speaker 1: So I do remember going into the o r um again,
Speaker 1: very cold, sterile room. But my doctor, who I absolutely
Speaker 1: loved to this day, she was like, don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: Everything's gonna be fine. The anaesthesiologist was just like, hey,
Speaker 1: you haven't had a cocktail in a while, what's your
Speaker 1: favorite drink? Ha ha ha, you know, trying to give
Speaker 1: me a little concoction to put me out. But I
Speaker 1: do remember my two legs being up in these stirrups.
Speaker 1: I kind of felt like I was in like a
Speaker 1: like a meat shop, you know, when they hang cows
Speaker 1: from their feet and stuff like that to drink the
Speaker 1: blood that was me. I was the cow, um And
Speaker 1: I remember just being there. And then the last thing
Speaker 1: I remember was a team of like student doctors coming in.
Speaker 1: There was like at least to ten of them, and
Speaker 1: I guess it was because my case was so rare.
Speaker 1: How I tour that they wanted to maybe, you know,
Speaker 1: show them what to do in this case, watch and learn. Um.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it was a situation that in the moment,
Speaker 1: I guess I didn't understand the severity of it. But
Speaker 1: coming out of it, UM, I remember waking up by
Speaker 1: myself on a cot with internally in my cervix. Um,
Speaker 1: I was like, put two more of a good measure,
Speaker 1: you know, just just okay, you know, um. And then
Speaker 1: I didn't get to see Jackson or you for like
Speaker 1: it was about like five six hours. I think that
Speaker 1: I didn't get to see y'all because I had to
Speaker 1: have the surgery and then recover and then come out
Speaker 1: of recovery to see him. Um. So it was a minute.
Speaker 1: It was. It was a very scario. I remember when
Speaker 1: when they were willing you away, thinking it's just going
Speaker 1: to be one of those times when I have my son,
Speaker 1: but then I lose my wife, Like that was the
Speaker 1: first thing going through my mom and then I seriously, well, no,
Speaker 1: that's how I felt coming out, because I don't even
Speaker 1: remember being mad. And then I don't remember much after that,
Speaker 1: which is like funny to me because I've never blacked
Speaker 1: out an anger blacked out, but I remember being extremely tied.
Speaker 1: I couldn't sleep that night because I was up with you.
Speaker 1: I pretty much watched you sleep the whole night, and
Speaker 1: my mom said they had to really calm me down
Speaker 1: and sit me down. And then I remember coming out thinking,
Speaker 1: am I going to see my wife again? When all
Speaker 1: the time, particularly black women going in to have a
Speaker 1: baby and husbands are significant others leaving with just the baby.
Speaker 1: This is important for men to understand about being an
Speaker 1: advocate for your wife, right. And this is why I
Speaker 1: speak so much about um um infant mortality rates as
Speaker 1: well as maternity mentality rates, because if I don't go
Speaker 1: down there and check and say, hey, this doesn't look right,
Speaker 1: no one would have noticed, you know, because everyone was
Speaker 1: focused on Jackson at the time, as they should have been,
Speaker 1: but no one even check to see if Cadeen was
Speaker 1: all right after the baby came out. So if I
Speaker 1: don't say nothing and I run after Jackson as well,
Speaker 1: and I'm not an advocate for you, I'm not constantly checking,
Speaker 1: who knows what happens if I leave the room and
Speaker 1: you're just sitting there because you were minutes away from
Speaker 1: needing a full blood transfusion, which means you were losing
Speaker 1: blood a lot. And after that whole ordeal and finally
Speaker 1: coming out of it and and getting a chance to
Speaker 1: see you with Jackson and you and I remember I
Speaker 1: remember saying this, I'm not having any more understanding, like
Speaker 1: I have my son and I have my wife. I
Speaker 1: am good. And we had made a decision. I think
Speaker 1: subconsciously that's why there was a five year gap between
Speaker 1: Jackson and Cairo. Yeah, in retrospect, I think until too,
Speaker 1: because I always said I didn't want to have big
Speaker 1: gaps between kids. I was like, I want to have
Speaker 1: my kids kind of back to back, get it done,
Speaker 1: and then here we are. But that was it was scary.
Speaker 1: It was scary, and it wasn't It wasn't a great
Speaker 1: process for us, and it wasn't something it was memorable
Speaker 1: for all the wrong reasons, you know, But it wasn't
Speaker 1: something that made me be like, I can guess I
Speaker 1: can do this again, right. But I mean that was
Speaker 1: a learning experience for us because then it taught us
Speaker 1: the next time around that what we needed to do
Speaker 1: was do a little bit more research, which we did
Speaker 1: um when time came for Cairo, because we're like, all right,
Speaker 1: let's see how we can how I can potentially labor
Speaker 1: at home as long as possible so that I'm not
Speaker 1: tempted if labor were to start naturally, that I may
Speaker 1: not be tempted to want to have any kind of
Speaker 1: payment intervention, and I might want to just try to
Speaker 1: do this naturally. And you and I and at this
Speaker 1: point we had a full birthing plant, like Codeine was pregnant.
Speaker 1: She and I said, this is what this is what
Speaker 1: we're going to do. We're going to labor at home. Now.
Speaker 1: Once again, we thought we had three more weeks to
Speaker 1: prepare because we didn't have a crib, we didn't have
Speaker 1: the best in then our apartment was being renovated, and
Speaker 1: the apartment renovation was supposed to be done about a
Speaker 1: week prior to you going in labor. So even though
Speaker 1: we had a plan, we still you know, God has
Speaker 1: a way of looking at your plan and then laughing
Speaker 1: like you don't. So we you know, at the time,
Speaker 1: we were like, we're gonna We're gonna labor at home,
Speaker 1: which means we're not going to go to the hospital
Speaker 1: until the very very last minute. This way, they can't
Speaker 1: tempt us with getting the upper door and we'll deal
Speaker 1: with the pain at home. So I was watching a
Speaker 1: ton of documentaries. I was also way more active to
Speaker 1: remember when Cairo, So at this point I was pretty
Speaker 1: much freelancing as a makeup artistle. I wasn't working retail
Speaker 1: anymore where I had those rigorous retail hours. I was
Speaker 1: able to create my own schedule, so that way I
Speaker 1: was able to really incorporate taking care of myself. So
Speaker 1: I was spinning up until I was thirty five weeks,
Speaker 1: I want to say with Cairo um and I felt
Speaker 1: like I was really in the best shape of my
Speaker 1: life and pregnant at the same time. So that's helpful.
Speaker 1: You were you were putting the work in and that's
Speaker 1: the best part about our transition and why we like
Speaker 1: to talk about this because we have three different birthing experiences.
Speaker 1: So when people ask us about hospital births, we can
Speaker 1: talk to you about hospital births. If they ask us
Speaker 1: about home births, we can talk to you about home births.
Speaker 1: If they asked us about an epidural, we can give
Speaker 1: you our experience. We also did a natural hospital birth,
Speaker 1: and with Cairo, I remember reading these documents, documents, watching
Speaker 1: these documentaries and reading all these different articles and the
Speaker 1: biggest thing was pain management and constant movement during labor.
Speaker 1: So when cage water broke that morning, we didn't panic.
Speaker 1: We were staying at my parents house. Her water broke,
Speaker 1: she immediately said, we're going to do the first six
Speaker 1: hours as if I would do a normal day. So
Speaker 1: she went and took Jackson to school. That's what my
Speaker 1: doctor said. She was like, give us some time in
Speaker 1: about six hours coming and I'm like, okay, I could
Speaker 1: do that. She took Jackson to school, her and Sakari Um.
Speaker 1: I still went to work. I still had clients to
Speaker 1: take um After I think about the three hour market
Speaker 1: was about nine o'clock. I met her at my parents house.
Speaker 1: So after we met at my parents house, she went
Speaker 1: for makeup, and my son is about to meet me
Speaker 1: looking cute. And the funny thing is we had done
Speaker 1: our last maternity shoot with Josh the day before that,
Speaker 1: so I had a whole we even I was feeling cute.
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, this is the thought to be popping.
Speaker 1: Then she was like, I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: let's go back to the apartment. Let's do some shopping.
Speaker 1: After we do some shopping, We're gonna put snack. We did.
Speaker 1: We did because I'm like, this is not going to
Speaker 1: happen soon, you know, and think about it. This is
Speaker 1: not an induction. My first pregnancy was an induction. So
Speaker 1: I'm like riding the wave. And at this point, I'm
Speaker 1: having contractions, but in my mind, I guess they're bearable
Speaker 1: for me, you know, And I turned. I came to
Speaker 1: find out I'm a g I had no idea I did.
Speaker 1: I felt my pain tolerance was really low, um, but
Speaker 1: apparently not because the contractions were coming periodically. We were
Speaker 1: timing them and stuff, and you know, I kind of
Speaker 1: had a time in my mind. I think the doctors
Speaker 1: had to come around one o'clock. So I'm like, all right, well,
Speaker 1: you know what. My water had broken with Cairo. It
Speaker 1: was like quarter to seven, quarter to seven, and I
Speaker 1: got to get Jackson ready for school. So it was
Speaker 1: just kind of like all right, going through the day.
Speaker 1: I'm like, if we're going to be in the hospital,
Speaker 1: Devout is the most snack and ass person I know,
Speaker 1: so I was like, let me get him some snacks.
Speaker 1: You know, you'd be snagging, So I was I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get him some SESSI I'm still thinking about you even
Speaker 1: when I'm in labor. My water broke. Yes, you're welcome,
Speaker 1: and so we got snacks and went back to the apartment.
Speaker 1: We had to get the car seat, like all that
Speaker 1: stuff was still there. Um and then I'll until the
Speaker 1: mucus plug came out. The mucus plug came out before
Speaker 1: that was out early. It was a drop. So there's
Speaker 1: a moment. There's a moment in labor, right y'all where
Speaker 1: you know you're getting these contractions. They come, they go,
Speaker 1: they come, they go, But there's a moment when I'm
Speaker 1: assuming this is when the baby's head fully like drops
Speaker 1: into your SERVEX. And at that moment was when I knew.
Speaker 1: I thought, Lord, labor was beginning. At this point, I
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, this is what they talk about. This
Speaker 1: is that moment that women being there screaming, throwing it fit,
Speaker 1: throwing their husband's out. I'm like, this is the moment,
Speaker 1: this is it. She was perfectly fine. She was walking
Speaker 1: to the incinerator. Your mother was like, guys, I think
Speaker 1: you know you know her mom and she's like, guys, guys,
Speaker 1: mom was nervous. She was like, so we're all acting
Speaker 1: like we know what we're doing. We prose, you know,
Speaker 1: we're just like we're like, yo, mon chill. Me and
Speaker 1: Tristan like your mother always panicking. And all we heard
Speaker 1: was and then Tristan looked at me. I looked at
Speaker 1: him just I was like, I think we need to
Speaker 1: go to the hop. You know. I'll run outside to
Speaker 1: see k k is holding her stomach and she looking
Speaker 1: at me. Yeah, and she like, I don't know what happened.
Speaker 1: But so now I'm like, all right, let's go, let's go,
Speaker 1: k K mom grab the keys. Tristan grabbed his keys.
Speaker 1: We like me and Kate shuffling to ship into the
Speaker 1: to the elevator because every two steps she was screaming.
Speaker 1: So I'm holding her stomach this point, the contractions were
Speaker 1: like I'm holding her, I'm holding her stomach and I'm
Speaker 1: holding her lower back. She got her arm around my
Speaker 1: neck and in my face every time she screaming, and
Speaker 1: the whole way I'm walking through the car liked. Then
Speaker 1: I get in the car and I try to put
Speaker 1: her in the car and try to let go, and
Speaker 1: she would not let go of my face. So now
Speaker 1: I'm like, you gotta let go on my face. So
Speaker 1: I could drive the car, so she let go on
Speaker 1: my face. I closed the door. I get into the car,
Speaker 1: and the driverside to may not get in. The driverside
Speaker 1: hands faith and around my neck. She held my neck
Speaker 1: in my face. And this video evidence the whole entire
Speaker 1: time she held my neck in my face. I was
Speaker 1: driving with eyes, with fingers in my pupils and everything.
Speaker 1: I'm taking everything. It was like a movie on those
Speaker 1: things where we're on our way. Now we know that
Speaker 1: the hospitals like ten minutes away, but she gets stuck
Speaker 1: behind it access the ride truck. You know, that's like
Speaker 1: putting down the putting down the part of the part
Speaker 1: that the wheelchair goes in. It was. It was like
Speaker 1: then it's like a school bus, you know, trying to
Speaker 1: get from the Crown Heights to Park Slope. Y'all know
Speaker 1: what that's like. If you're from Brooklyn, you know what
Speaker 1: that is. Kay's mom is in the back, so car
Speaker 1: is in the back, scarring. Never had no baby before ever, Right,
Speaker 1: it's a card in the bank. He's a nursing training.
Speaker 1: Purse your lips and blame. Purse your lips and blow that.
Speaker 1: My mom is like, okay, honey, don't think about it, okay,
Speaker 1: don't think about it. I'm like, don't think about what
Speaker 1: this is ad the fact that I am about to
Speaker 1: squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an
Speaker 1: opening the size of a lime, that's what's going through
Speaker 1: my mind. So clearly I'm thinking about it. Okay. So
Speaker 1: Devo pulls into the remember that she was moaning in
Speaker 1: the car, uh, and I feel like you wanted to
Speaker 1: tell everybody to shut the hell up, but you we
Speaker 1: have no energies. I was just quiet. I was dealing
Speaker 1: with the fingers in my ears and my eyes whips
Speaker 1: into the emergency sections and my sister runs out and
Speaker 1: she's like, I need a wheelchair. So DEVI was like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna part the car. I'll be right upstairs. That's
Speaker 1: a devil, will not leave me, said, because the way
Speaker 1: I'm feeling right now, this this is, this is not
Speaker 1: gonna go well. The baby's gonna be here any minute now.
Speaker 1: And at this point, I'm literally feeling as though I'm
Speaker 1: sitting on his head, like there's just something, there's the pressure,
Speaker 1: and I don't know if it was pressure or his head,
Speaker 1: but find out, lady, it was his head, because I
Speaker 1: literally he was crowning at this point. Um so my sister,
Speaker 1: you know, I get shuffle kind of from the side
Speaker 1: of the chair in the car to the wheelchair. My
Speaker 1: sister takes me upstairs and de valcoes to park the car,
Speaker 1: which I told him not to do. I said, leave
Speaker 1: that bitch right there by a hydrant. Do what you
Speaker 1: gotta do. Get the ticket. Get told I don't care,
Speaker 1: you're going to miss this. I should have listened at
Speaker 1: the time. I still thought you had time. But um
Speaker 1: I went to park the card. It was a whole ordeal.
Speaker 1: They're the guy that the park intendant was. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm having a baby and having a baby. He was like,
Speaker 1: everybody here is having babies. You wanted to fight him too.
Speaker 1: He's like, I want to fight the dual lady. I
Speaker 1: wanted to fight him. So then the lady from him
Speaker 1: that he's go in front of me. He's walking around
Speaker 1: the car super slow. I'm like, bro, bro. So then
Speaker 1: he gives me the ticket. I run to the elevator
Speaker 1: and he's just like, you might as well take the stairs.
Speaker 1: The elevator takes a while, so I run from the
Speaker 1: bottom floor in the parking garage all the way up
Speaker 1: four flights of stairs to get to the top of
Speaker 1: the door. Door locked. Now I gotta run all the
Speaker 1: way back down I go. And while I run down,
Speaker 1: i'm running down, I'm looking right at him. As soon
Speaker 1: as I get doing with this baby, I'll come back
Speaker 1: and funk you up. So when I get to the elevator,
Speaker 1: push the elevator button. The elevator goes all the way up.
Speaker 1: Get to the hospital elevator. The hospital elevator doors is
Speaker 1: like crazy wine, right, And it seems as if every
Speaker 1: time it was about to close, somebody stuck their hand.
Speaker 1: It was like and the door opened back up and
Speaker 1: they like wheeled somebody from a wheelchair in and they
Speaker 1: were on the fourth floor. So that happened like every floor,
Speaker 1: second floor, third floor was get to the triage center,
Speaker 1: but before that. So now I'm in triage. They want
Speaker 1: to know my name, my insurance and all that. I
Speaker 1: can't speak to you right now regarding that. They want
Speaker 1: to examine me. So I get onto the you know,
Speaker 1: the bed and triage. And at this point I'm like
Speaker 1: telling myself, kidding, if you open your legs, this baby
Speaker 1: might just fly out. And Devot is going to miss it.
Speaker 1: So this whole time, I'm thinking about you again. Baby,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to vot to miss this birth.
Speaker 1: So what do I do. I completely get into like
Speaker 1: a fetal position, and I faced the wall and I'm
Speaker 1: just holding my stomach and just ignoring everybody at this point,
Speaker 1: defying all the laws of childbirth, defying everything, and to
Speaker 1: the point where the doctor has to ask my sister
Speaker 1: if I need a translator for sign language because he
Speaker 1: thought I was hard of hearing. He thought that I
Speaker 1: was ignoring him so heavy that he thought I was dead,
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm just an any who. So so
Speaker 1: at this point, so at this point, all I'm thinking
Speaker 1: to myself. So my sisters on the phone with Devout
Speaker 1: and she's like you have to come now, like you
Speaker 1: have to get here now. This is when I'm in
Speaker 1: the literally, So it's to the point where I think
Speaker 1: the doctor was over me and he was like I
Speaker 1: have to examine this woman. Um, and the nurse grabs
Speaker 1: one of my knees and pull was my leg open
Speaker 1: and Cayro literally shot right out like like pushed the
Speaker 1: eject button and he came out like I didn't have
Speaker 1: to do anything. More that was it. I think me
Speaker 1: holding my legs closed, which keep him in, And then
Speaker 1: that's exactly that's exactly why the way he self ejected
Speaker 1: out of my body into this world with such a
Speaker 1: figure and such a life and determination, not waiting for
Speaker 1: devot or anybody. Uh, y'all can't keep me in the box.
Speaker 1: That was literally Cairo's motte coming out. Y'all can't keep
Speaker 1: me in the box, keep me in the literal box.
Speaker 1: Landed on the table. The doctor didn't even get to
Speaker 1: like like hold him out. He just kind of fell
Speaker 1: out on the table, and I kid you not. Thirty
Speaker 1: seconds later rolls in he was like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1: Are you? I just missed it? And then I went
Speaker 1: to go. I literally went to run back to go
Speaker 1: beat up, and Sokari grabs me and I was just like, no,
Speaker 1: come inside, coming out, and I see Cairo and I
Speaker 1: see k and and Cairo's in the corner, I mean,
Speaker 1: is in the corner. Cried. That was her first time
Speaker 1: witnessing all of that. I told the car bro I
Speaker 1: told you what was happening was bad, but it was amazing.
Speaker 1: How after that experience, so you think about after I
Speaker 1: had Jackson being completely out of it, drugged up, not
Speaker 1: knowing what's going on, have a very vague memory about
Speaker 1: what happened, Whereas with Cairo, I remember us being in
Speaker 1: the triage bed, being transferred over to a gurney, going
Speaker 1: into an actual room, delivering the placenta. Everyone's checking out Cairo.
Speaker 1: You actually did a video like within maybe twenty minutes
Speaker 1: of having Cairo. I was alert, he was alert, we
Speaker 1: were all just like it was almost like one of
Speaker 1: those things where when the minute the pain stopped and
Speaker 1: the baby was out stack to normal, had this baby
Speaker 1: at home literally this week. I just say it at
Speaker 1: home and had this baby, and that's exactly what the
Speaker 1: damn hospital bills. And having a baby, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I had the baby. Nobody delivered that baby. I had it.
Speaker 1: But then this doctor someone so you know, in the hospital,
Speaker 1: everybody comes to see you, everybody makes a cameo, and
Speaker 1: then you get billed. I didn't need so much as
Speaker 1: a motron after Cairo. And then and when we refused
Speaker 1: all of the medication, you know what they did, they
Speaker 1: were like they were like, since you good. I'm like, yep,
Speaker 1: I'm actually good. Didn't need so much as a moron.
Speaker 1: So I was like, you know what, baby, next time
Speaker 1: we do the baby at home, we're doing at home.
Speaker 1: So that's the evolution of how we got to home
Speaker 1: birthing because we tried the hospital twice, once with eaduro,
Speaker 1: once without it, and we found out we were better
Speaker 1: without it, right right right, And I mean it just
Speaker 1: was one of those things where I just had a
Speaker 1: real trust in my body at that point, and I
Speaker 1: had a confidence in myself, like I totally had a
Speaker 1: chip on my shoulder, had a little bit of swag
Speaker 1: going into it, like you know. And this is completely
Speaker 1: not disregarding hospital experience or doctors in general, because they're
Speaker 1: very necessary. Y'all went to school for mad years because
Speaker 1: you know a lot of stuff that we don't. UM,
Speaker 1: but you O b G. I am before who I
Speaker 1: absolutely love and adore UM. I was going to her
Speaker 1: for years, UM since Jackson, and she literally gave me
Speaker 1: her blessing and said, getting, you know what, if I
Speaker 1: had to pick somebody for a textbook pregnancy and labor
Speaker 1: and delivery, and this is what you want to do,
Speaker 1: I fully support you UM in that. She said, call me,
Speaker 1: text me when the baby's here, let me know how
Speaker 1: it goes. So that made me feel even better about
Speaker 1: it because sometimes you know there could be a little
Speaker 1: bit of attention or a little bit of a debate
Speaker 1: between doctors and midwives and how they move UM. So yeah,
Speaker 1: the hospitals are very necessary for some people who can't
Speaker 1: deliver at home or can't be under a midwives care
Speaker 1: because they have whatever pre existing conditions. So that's something
Speaker 1: that's when a case by case spaces. Always make sure
Speaker 1: to tell people, do your research, know your history, and
Speaker 1: consult with somebody first. But and if you don't want
Speaker 1: to do hospitals or home, they have birth and centers.
Speaker 1: There's a bunch of different options depending on what your
Speaker 1: your lifestyle is, depending on what you want to do.
Speaker 1: For Codeine and I, it was important, especially after having Cairo,
Speaker 1: to be able to document the process because we wanted
Speaker 1: to document doing a natural birth and we knew we
Speaker 1: couldn't document anything in the hospital. So having a home
Speaker 1: birth for us was also important because we get a
Speaker 1: chance to document um and get to have a testimony
Speaker 1: of what we've been what we went through during that process.
Speaker 1: Because it was it was important for both of us,
Speaker 1: especially after experiencing the first labor was to show people
Speaker 1: what the labor process was like. And we we both
Speaker 1: made a decision to to sit down, and that was
Speaker 1: part of our preparing for labor moments was we wanted
Speaker 1: to document. We wanted to have these moments for our boys,
Speaker 1: for but for ourselves, but also for people who don't
Speaker 1: know what it's like to give birth so they can
Speaker 1: see it and be like, oh, this is what I
Speaker 1: need to write, or this is an option too, Like
Speaker 1: so many people don't understand that this is an option
Speaker 1: that they have. And I'll tell you about all the
Speaker 1: side eyes that I got, you know, with people looking
Speaker 1: at me like are you crazy? Like why would you
Speaker 1: have a baby at home? Who does that? Nowadays? Like
Speaker 1: we're just so conditioned to believe that it's a medical
Speaker 1: situation or a medical emergency to give birth or bring
Speaker 1: forth life, whereas is something that the body tends to
Speaker 1: naturally do on its own. Um again in case by case,
Speaker 1: But after having the two experiences that I had, I
Speaker 1: was like, you know what, this might be a route
Speaker 1: that we want to try. And I'm so happy we
Speaker 1: did that because I always said if I were to
Speaker 1: have another baby, I would definitely want to go to
Speaker 1: home birth route and here we are, and I think
Speaker 1: it's like you said once again, it's always important to say,
Speaker 1: whatever decision you make, you must consult, consult your primary
Speaker 1: care physician, your O, B, G, y N. And have
Speaker 1: constant discussions throughout the pregnancy process because things can change
Speaker 1: in the heartbeating. You have to know, hey, is this
Speaker 1: even safe for us to do anymore. The biggest thing
Speaker 1: about preparing for labor um that Codeine and I are
Speaker 1: going to constantly implore us to have constant conversations but
Speaker 1: comfort and constant movement, and we're going to do a
Speaker 1: whole episode on the birthing process. So that's why we're
Speaker 1: not talking too much about it. But when it came
Speaker 1: time for us to prepare for labor, it was, it was.
Speaker 1: It was a fun, a fun time. Yeah, definitely, and
Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to this time. So let's take a
Speaker 1: quick break and then we come back to your favorite party.
Speaker 1: Shown still knows you, she pregnant, She still knows you.
Speaker 1: But we're gonna take a quick You notice I've been
Speaker 1: holding my teacup this whole time because I can't quite
Speaker 1: leave fullard to table. I would put it down. We'll
Speaker 1: be back. All right, guys, we're back to Conn's favorite
Speaker 1: part of the show. Listen letters. I ain't gonna lie.
Speaker 1: This is my favorite party show too. I can't know
Speaker 1: at this point, we know I've been put it on
Speaker 1: me is fine, but I'll go ahead and read the
Speaker 1: first one. Ready. All right, hey, y'all. First, I'd like
Speaker 1: to say I absolutely love you guys and your family.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Now onto the Shenanigans, because you know I
Speaker 1: love Shenanigans. Tell me tell me. I am twenty eight
Speaker 1: and my husband is thirty. We've been married for two years,
Speaker 1: but have been together for twelve years now. The first
Speaker 1: nine years of our relationship, I worked to pay the
Speaker 1: bills and held us down while he became a quote
Speaker 1: unquote entrepreneur. Should never happened, she said in a parentheses.
Speaker 1: During this time, we had a daughter and I became
Speaker 1: diagnosed with an illness that took a toll on my body,
Speaker 1: and needless to say, I was unable to perform the
Speaker 1: way I used to, and well, he cheated. I took
Speaker 1: him back because of our daughter, and he pleaded that
Speaker 1: he would never it would never happen again. Blah blah blah. Okay,
Speaker 1: fast forward to today. I just gave birth to our
Speaker 1: second daughter, and we are now foster and we now
Speaker 1: foster his nephew. I was laid off from my job
Speaker 1: because of COVID and now he is primarily taking care
Speaker 1: of the bills, well his bills, I should say. Along
Speaker 1: with having a baby, I became sick again, and well
Speaker 1: he cheated again. I've been struggling with postpartum depression, this illness,
Speaker 1: and now all my emotions with him cheating. My question
Speaker 1: is how do I get back to myself? And although
Speaker 1: he claims to be quote unquote all in, how do
Speaker 1: I let it go? Oh? How do I let go?
Speaker 1: Is it selfish of me not to think of my
Speaker 1: not to think of my girls first? Do I stay
Speaker 1: and work through it? Or is this a never ending cycle?
Speaker 1: Do men change? Please help? Signed a mad black woman? Yikes,
Speaker 1: damn sis listen. I'm I'm never wanted to be the
Speaker 1: bearer of bad news. I believe that all people have
Speaker 1: the ability to change if they want to change. You
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. But based on her story, it
Speaker 1: seems like he's a user. She was She was just
Speaker 1: working the whole entire time while he was being an entrepreneur.
Speaker 1: Entrepreneurs ship never happens. I've heard that story. We've heard
Speaker 1: that story before. Um, then she got sick, he cheated,
Speaker 1: She got sick again, he cheated. It seems as if
Speaker 1: as long as things are convenient for him, he's all in,
Speaker 1: and the minute things are not convenient, then he's out.
Speaker 1: That don't sound to me like somebody who wants to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship. It sounds like someone who's in
Speaker 1: a relationship for convenience. And we've seen that from a
Speaker 1: lot of people like I. That breaks my heart, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying that that that really does break
Speaker 1: my heart right because yeah, when she's at her lowest
Speaker 1: points is when he's he's out right. Yeah, And that's like,
Speaker 1: that's not cool at all, especially how the postpartum depression
Speaker 1: hits of that. First of all, you know, I've been
Speaker 1: quote as being a misogynist and sexist because of mine thoughts.
Speaker 1: But any man who lets there, why I work for
Speaker 1: nine years while you try to build a business and
Speaker 1: take care all the bills? To me, it's corny. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: that's just corny. Like you can you can build your
Speaker 1: business and work a job you don't have to just
Speaker 1: not work to build your business. I know that firsthand.
Speaker 1: Like when I first retired from the NFL, I still
Speaker 1: work doing a job I didn't want to do, just
Speaker 1: to be able to have money come in while building
Speaker 1: my business. So I just hate that excuse that, you know,
Speaker 1: I couldn't do nothing. I was building my business. No,
Speaker 1: you can work this twenty four hours in a day.
Speaker 1: You just don't sleep. Yeah, man, you don't sleep. And
Speaker 1: then you get a woman pregnant. Wow, she's working and
Speaker 1: you're working on your business. That never happens, and she
Speaker 1: gets sick, and then you cheat. That's fucking corny, like,
Speaker 1: like you gotta be accountable. Story that was my friend.
Speaker 1: If that was my friend, like my homeboy would have
Speaker 1: been like, bro, you sound like a douche bag. Bro,
Speaker 1: Like that's the extreme level of boyness. And I don't
Speaker 1: I don't like to judge people, but I can only
Speaker 1: just tell you what my thought processes is based on.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. And maybe I'm old school
Speaker 1: for thinking that you should still pay the bills while
Speaker 1: you're building your business, but I said, I'm just not
Speaker 1: going to ever change that. And it's a perfect example
Speaker 1: how she has a baby and get six she can't
Speaker 1: work no more now with a family. You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. He never ever has to worry about his
Speaker 1: body changing while getting pregnant. That's why, in my mind,
Speaker 1: it's always important if you're going to lay down with
Speaker 1: a woman and possibly get her pregnant, you have to
Speaker 1: have your finances in order because anything can change in
Speaker 1: her body, especially having a baby. That's why I think
Speaker 1: that almost planned to have the woman not returned to
Speaker 1: work first, you know what I mean. Or she returns
Speaker 1: on her terms, you know what I'm saying, like and
Speaker 1: and it could be you can call me a massage.
Speaker 1: This is what sexist all you want, but I don't care.
Speaker 1: A woman dedicates her body to giving you a child
Speaker 1: or giving you guys a child, and then has to
Speaker 1: be forced to go back to work in the best
Speaker 1: in six weeks time. You're only in your own but
Speaker 1: it's the truth though, You're you're only to cool sacrifice
Speaker 1: a contribution during the pregnancy process to make sure that
Speaker 1: everything is taken care of as a man. If that's sexist,
Speaker 1: if that's massagistic, I'll be that till I die. But
Speaker 1: for you to do that to your girl, and then
Speaker 1: she because she got sick. That's corny, right, and she
Speaker 1: has to if it's selfish for her to not think
Speaker 1: of for girls first, I think you would be thinking
Speaker 1: of your girls first if you're in a situation where
Speaker 1: you're removing yourself for your own happiness and your own sanity,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure it's not a happy household. If your
Speaker 1: children are experiencing you being depressed or having to to
Speaker 1: deal with is it selfish to not think of for
Speaker 1: girls first. I think she's thinking about herself. Oh yeah, no,
Speaker 1: it's not yeah exactly, that's not well, yeah, that's kind
Speaker 1: of what I meant. Um No, I think you should
Speaker 1: think of how you feel first, because if you're happy,
Speaker 1: in turn, are agree you have to take care of
Speaker 1: you know, self preservation is important because if you're not
Speaker 1: happy that the girls are going to see that and
Speaker 1: you don't want them to grow up and hopefully you
Speaker 1: can find a way to co parent. All right, good
Speaker 1: luck to you Sis number two. Hello Codeine and Devoured.
Speaker 1: First off, I'm a huge fan of yours. I've been
Speaker 1: married to my husband for a year now. We have
Speaker 1: three children together. My oldest is now seven years old,
Speaker 1: and I had my son last year in July. Congratulations Mama.
Speaker 1: I found out I was pregnant with number three when
Speaker 1: my youngest was only seven months old. My pregnancy with
Speaker 1: my son was very difficult. I was sick the entire
Speaker 1: nine months. I had gestational diabetes. He was about three
Speaker 1: pounds overweight throughout my entire pregnancy, and sometimes it was
Speaker 1: even hard for me to walk. So as you can imagine,
Speaker 1: I was relieved when I finally got my body back
Speaker 1: when he was born. When I found out I was
Speaker 1: pregnant again just seven months later, damn, you'll be getting
Speaker 1: it in um. I was really depressed and considered an
Speaker 1: abortion many times, and to be honest, if it wasn't
Speaker 1: for my sisters and my mother talking me out of it,
Speaker 1: I probably would have gotten the abortion. Not because I
Speaker 1: didn't want to have a third baby, but because my
Speaker 1: son is a big handful and I just couldn't see
Speaker 1: myself being pregnant while taking care of such a young
Speaker 1: boy who never sits still and literally will touch anything
Speaker 1: he can reach and makes one thousand message throughout the
Speaker 1: day not to miss me. Doesn't listen to me or
Speaker 1: ship or ship, So if I say stopped, don't touch
Speaker 1: that give it to me. It doesn't work, so I
Speaker 1: have to get my pregnant off the couch and chase
Speaker 1: behind him every pretty much all day to keep him
Speaker 1: from getting into things. Dealing with that while trying to
Speaker 1: fight pregnancy fatigue has been a nightmare. My husband is
Speaker 1: definitely a huge help, but he works full time so
Speaker 1: that I don't have to, so the days when he's
Speaker 1: working and I'm home alone with the children are miserable
Speaker 1: from me. On top of that, my oldest is developmentally delayed,
Speaker 1: and it's still almost depending on me and her dad
Speaker 1: just as much as the baby is. Wow. I have
Speaker 1: to wash her up, brush her teeth, tie her shoes,
Speaker 1: et cetera. There's very little she knows how to do
Speaker 1: on her own. I see you too with your boys,
Speaker 1: and you both seem so infatuated with them, and I
Speaker 1: sometimes wonder why I don't feel that way with my children. Um.
Speaker 1: I don't get happy when I see them, I don't
Speaker 1: miss them when they're gone. I really don't enjoy spending
Speaker 1: time with either of them. And I know it sounds bad,
Speaker 1: but having my children around means nothing is going to
Speaker 1: go smoothly. It never does, which is why I value
Speaker 1: the little breaks I get. I guess my real concern
Speaker 1: is that I'll end up not being close to my
Speaker 1: children as to grow up, because they're causing me so
Speaker 1: much stress right now. All this may just be a
Speaker 1: pregnancy home almost talking. But I know Codeine and Cairo
Speaker 1: and Cass backs back. Oh, I know Codein had Kiro
Speaker 1: and cats back to back. And I'm just wondering if
Speaker 1: you guys ever felt the way I do now, or
Speaker 1: if things will ever get better again. I love my children,
Speaker 1: but these last couple of years have been a really
Speaker 1: dark time for me. Any advice? Wow, you know what's funny.
Speaker 1: I think we spoke recently about a mother that I
Speaker 1: spoke to recently that was just like, of course you
Speaker 1: have to throw out there, I love my children to death.
Speaker 1: But had I known, yes, because you never wanted to
Speaker 1: be misconstrued as like, oh damn, you know my kids,
Speaker 1: like we don't care about them. Of course you do.
Speaker 1: But it's just like, had I known everything that was
Speaker 1: going to go into being a mom or into parenting,
Speaker 1: than I would have really reassessed if this was the
Speaker 1: route that I want it to go. Um, And I understand,
Speaker 1: I understand with Cairo and Katz. They were back to back.
Speaker 1: That was challenging for us. Um what you hear about
Speaker 1: a lot of people who have children back to back
Speaker 1: in a short amount of time, because it's that two
Speaker 1: under two or that two under three or three under three, Um,
Speaker 1: that can get to be very stressful. UM. I think
Speaker 1: what saved us um is having well you who are
Speaker 1: at the time was an entrepreneur as well, so having
Speaker 1: a flexible schedule to be able to jump in and
Speaker 1: out when needed, and being a super involved dad, which
Speaker 1: you still are to this day. Which she said her
Speaker 1: husband wants to work full times and all the bills
Speaker 1: so it's kind of everything is on her, you know, Um,
Speaker 1: and the stay at home mom doesn't always get the
Speaker 1: respect you know, or the acknowledgement that they deserve, knowing
Speaker 1: that they have to always be on, like there's never
Speaker 1: really a time to clock out. So I think that
Speaker 1: feeling of guilt that you feel where you're just like, man,
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is like I'm cool with
Speaker 1: my break. You should be able to be okay with
Speaker 1: a break for example, like everybody needs that you need
Speaker 1: that time to refresh. I think that also saved us
Speaker 1: was having our village around us. I want to ask her,
Speaker 1: I know your mom and your sister is convinced you
Speaker 1: not to have the abortion. Are your mom's and your
Speaker 1: sisters around to help you know? Are they able to
Speaker 1: kind of take maybe one child? You said your son
Speaker 1: is a lot to do with. Are they able to
Speaker 1: take him for a couple of hours so you can
Speaker 1: focus on your older daughter who may need more help,
Speaker 1: or is there anyone that you can kind of, you know,
Speaker 1: tag in that you can get some time to yourself.
Speaker 1: That's very, very important in general, regardless of the space
Speaker 1: between your children, regardless of how many children, that time
Speaker 1: is necessary. What I think the first thing is we
Speaker 1: have to normalize women being able to to vocalize how
Speaker 1: they feel about things and not being judged by other people,
Speaker 1: especially people who don't experience what they experienced. For example,
Speaker 1: a mom has to say I love my children before
Speaker 1: she says how she feels, because typically it's people without
Speaker 1: children who will criticize. Is how can you say that
Speaker 1: you blessed to have children until you have children and
Speaker 1: understand what that feeling is like. You should not the
Speaker 1: size or judge someone for having emotions that you've never felt.
Speaker 1: Before because you've never experienced it. That's number one. Number two,
Speaker 1: feeling those feelings is typically part of hormones number one.
Speaker 1: But when you're postpartum and prenatal at the same time,
Speaker 1: because that you you you go from one extreme hormonal
Speaker 1: situation to dealing with sleep deprivation, which also causes a
Speaker 1: lot of changes in your mental capacity. Then on top
Speaker 1: of that, being pregnant again. Yes, you're gonna feel overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: Is it okay for you to film overwhelmed? Absolutely? Are
Speaker 1: your kids going to be annoying? Listen? Look, I mean,
Speaker 1: look right in the camera. All right, Look, kids are
Speaker 1: fucking annoying. Bro, They're annoying. You want to know why,
Speaker 1: because we as parents expect them to see the world
Speaker 1: through our lens, right, And that's not their problem, that's
Speaker 1: our problem. So they annoy us because they don't they're
Speaker 1: not prepared to do the things that we expect them
Speaker 1: to be able to do at whatever it age we
Speaker 1: expect them to be able to do. It is it
Speaker 1: is it? Is it something wrong with the kids? No,
Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean it doesn't annoy you as a parent,
Speaker 1: especially if you have multiple you have a child is delayed, right,
Speaker 1: so you still have to brush your teeth. She has
Speaker 1: her child with seven, brush your teeth, wash your clothes.
Speaker 1: You have a one year old who was being a
Speaker 1: one year old, run around not listening, and you're pregnant
Speaker 1: by yourself. That's gonna annoy anybody. So Mama, don't don't
Speaker 1: sit here and feel like you're the worst mom in
Speaker 1: the world and you're a bad parent. No, these feelings
Speaker 1: that you're feeling are normal. What you have to do
Speaker 1: is be solution oriented. For me, I knew it would
Speaker 1: be in my best interests, even though it wasn't the
Speaker 1: easiest at time to move Kay's grandma in and have
Speaker 1: Kay's mom over to help while we had the two
Speaker 1: under two, you know, because you know, people say you
Speaker 1: don't really want to live with your in laws. I
Speaker 1: lived with my grandmother in law and at some point
Speaker 1: my mother in law, and it was the best decision
Speaker 1: I ever made because it allowed my wife to get
Speaker 1: a break, It allowed me to get a break. I
Speaker 1: was still working fourteen now was just like he is,
Speaker 1: so when you come home from working fourteen hours, you
Speaker 1: don't want to jump right in and have to juggle
Speaker 1: two kids. And then we had Jack because it's usually
Speaker 1: the handoff that happens. At that point. It's like, I've
Speaker 1: been with these kids all day. Don't even look at me.
Speaker 1: I need a shower, I need a break, I need
Speaker 1: a cigarette, I need whatever your thing is. Do people
Speaker 1: smoke cigarettes? I don't know, but I need something. But
Speaker 1: if you was pregnant smoking a cigarette? But but no,
Speaker 1: but I feel you because then then it's this is
Speaker 1: what happens. Well, who's being selfish? You've been with the
Speaker 1: kids all day. I've been at work all day. The
Speaker 1: minute I come home, you want to hand the kids
Speaker 1: off for me to get a break. But I want
Speaker 1: to at least take a break from being at work.
Speaker 1: So then it becomes this situation is annoying. Then it
Speaker 1: becomes a whole marital situation, right, and that happens, and
Speaker 1: you don't even want to deal with that that that happens.
Speaker 1: But if you lean on your village and you and
Speaker 1: I tell us to all these dudes, man, we were
Speaker 1: having a conversation with um. I don't want to I
Speaker 1: don't want to out them. But people who are close
Speaker 1: to us, and they're like, I don't know if I
Speaker 1: want my mother in law to live with me and
Speaker 1: I was like, bro, let me explain something to you.
Speaker 1: If you have as many hands on deck as possible
Speaker 1: when that child first gets here, the sooner you will
Speaker 1: be able to get your relationship back, and you'll be
Speaker 1: able to find a sense of peace to navigate within
Speaker 1: this new family dynamic. Like that's that is the truth.
Speaker 1: You may think I don't want it because I want
Speaker 1: to be able to handle everything, But bro, it's the
Speaker 1: best thing you can ever do is rely on your village.
Speaker 1: And like you said, well, Kay asked your mom and
Speaker 1: your sisters convince you where they at though? Where they
Speaker 1: at though? Is the question? Well we know where y'all
Speaker 1: can find us at. And that's that dead as dead.
Speaker 1: Ask advice at gmail dot com. If you want to
Speaker 1: be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email
Speaker 1: us D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E because sometimes I'll be forgetting the
Speaker 1: e at gmail dot com. All right, MO, the truth time,
Speaker 1: and with the truth time, I got a very simple
Speaker 1: moment of truth. There's no amount of over preparing you
Speaker 1: can do for delivery or labor. There's no you you
Speaker 1: have to read as many books, watch as many documentaries,
Speaker 1: but most importantly, gentlemen, listen to your partner, be an
Speaker 1: advocate for her when she's going through the process. The
Speaker 1: large part of the information you can get, you're gonna
Speaker 1: get from this woman right here and this little person inside.
Speaker 1: They're gonna let you know how they're feeling and what's
Speaker 1: going on. And it's your responsibility to let everyone else
Speaker 1: in that room, doctors, attorneys, mothers, let them know what
Speaker 1: she needs. So prepare, prepare, prepare, absolutely, And it kind
Speaker 1: of spirals into mind I pretty much was gonna say,
Speaker 1: make sure you do your due diligence, regardless of what
Speaker 1: route you decide to take, regardless of you know what
Speaker 1: people are saying about what you should do. You know
Speaker 1: yourself best, make sure you have a plan, make sure
Speaker 1: you research and whatever that is. Also keep in mind
Speaker 1: that it may have to change or shift, because that's
Speaker 1: how pregnancy and labor and delivery is. At any moment,
Speaker 1: something can just completely throw that birthing plant out the
Speaker 1: window and you gotta roll with the punches. But if
Speaker 1: you've got a good, good person next to you, if
Speaker 1: you got your person next to you, um, everything will
Speaker 1: be all right, right. I love that love you, ellis
Speaker 1: love your Ellis, So be sure to find us on
Speaker 1: social media, y'all. Um the Instagram page. I see people
Speaker 1: are engaging there now, which is nice um and that's
Speaker 1: dead Ass the podcast. So find us on Instagram there
Speaker 1: and you can always find me Kadina I am and
Speaker 1: you know where to find me. I am devout And
Speaker 1: if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe as. Dead Ass is a production of
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the
Speaker 1: Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at
Speaker 1: dead as the podcasts and never miss a thing I