WEBVTT - INTERVIEW: Devale & Khadeen Ellis On Vulnerability, Connecting With Their Audience, Role-play Disasters + More 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:02.480 Wake that ass up in the morning. 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:03.559 Breakfast Club. 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:06.360 Ye's the most dangerous morning to show to Breakfast Club. 0:00:06.440 --> 0:00:09.360 Charlamagnea god, just hilarious, envyous out but law and Ross 0:00:09.640 --> 0:00:12.280 and we got some special guests. Uh, The Vall and 0:00:12.400 --> 0:00:17.200 Kadeen Ellis are here. Good morning, my people, Blessed Black 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:17.720 and Holly Favor. 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:18.239 How y'alleel. 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:20.640 I'm happy to be back home. 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:24.279 It's a globe that I feel like I have the 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:26.200 minute I hit the Guardia Airport. 0:00:27.520 --> 0:00:29.720 It's just being back home in Brooklyn. I feel like 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:32.519 it brings us to life again, New York room. I do. 0:00:33.080 --> 0:00:34.879 I do have enough to move back to. 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:41.040 Come and get my little fixed, you know, get my 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:42.400 baking nugg and cheese like I get. 0:00:42.479 --> 0:00:43.320 I get back there. 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:45.239 You go, there you go. Now, y'all are here for 0:00:45.280 --> 0:00:46.280 a bunch of different things. 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:50.240 But y'all rebranded the Dead Ass Podcast to Ellis ever 0:00:50.600 --> 0:00:53.520 after discussed discussed the growth for that title. 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:55.160 Yeah, well it was it was a lot for us. 0:00:55.160 --> 0:00:57.560 So when we first started that Ass podcast, it was just, 0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:00.440 you know, it was like we were joking about versus 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:03.600 women and what husbands feel versus wives feel. But over 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:05.280 the course of six years, we watched how that kind 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:07.440 of exploded on the internet, And we don't want to 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:09.479 take credit for being a reason why there's a man 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:12.120 versus women debate, but the shit is annoying. Yeah, we 0:01:12.200 --> 0:01:13.880 kind of just feel like we want to put out 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:16.360 content that people can say, let's elevate and move forward. 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:19.160 So let's talk about topics that really affect us. For example, 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:22.640 we we will take credit for this. In twenty seventeen, 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:26.280 we've blogged our third son being born at home right, 0:01:26.319 --> 0:01:29.080 and we've blogged the whole process for about six months, 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:32.400 and a new study came out that as of twenty eighteen, 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:35.000 home births in black community have gone up, and we 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:38.120 feel like that's a direct correlation for us showing young 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:40.560 black girls like there's a different option. And the reason 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:42.480 why that happened was because with our first child, we 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:45.000 almost lost k and she had to have twenty four 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:52.600 stitches of survven my bad, let me not take me. Yeah, 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:55.440 she had to have emergency surgery right after pregnancy. And 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:57.360 we did a lot of studies on black maternal health 0:01:57.400 --> 0:01:59.440 and were like, let's just use our platform to focus 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:02.200 on positive So we said ELI several after was to 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:05.120 change because this is us after we've evolved as humans 0:02:05.480 --> 0:02:07.800 on the therapy, working on being a better couple, working 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:09.960 on being a better people. So that's what it's about. 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:11.400 So had nothing to do a moving out of New 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:13.040 York and not even using the term dead ass no. 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:16.400 More were still. 0:02:18.760 --> 0:02:20.360 And the crazy part about it, we had to fight 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:23.000 for the name dead Ass initially because you know, if 0:02:23.040 --> 0:02:24.920 you're not from New York and if you're at these 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:27.280 companies that have you know, mostly white folks that we 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:30.399 don't know what that means. How will we ever get 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:32.880 ad dollars behind a name like that? They're not going 0:02:32.919 --> 0:02:33.959 to subscribe to that. 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:35.840 So there was a lot of explaining that had to 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:38.440 be done. But we start, we stayed true to it. 0:02:38.480 --> 0:02:40.320 I think part of us really didn't want to detach 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:43.280 from that New York persona for a long time, but 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:44.200 it's time. 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:44.760 I do like that. 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:51.160 Who made that exectively, I'll take credit for it, but 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:53.320 we always do everything collective, even dead Ass, Like we 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:54.800 sit down and talk about it and we're like, what 0:02:54.880 --> 0:02:57.120 you think about this? What you think about that. We 0:02:57.160 --> 0:02:58.880 had a couple of the options. We also liked House 0:02:58.919 --> 0:03:01.600 of Ellis. We liked that list of a rafter because 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:05.600 it was the evolution of after what after all the bullshit, 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:07.600 you know what I'm saying, after all the talking about 0:03:07.639 --> 0:03:09.480 what we had to do to get to this point, 0:03:09.960 --> 0:03:12.320 and if you ever followed us, that's what we're known for. 0:03:12.480 --> 0:03:14.960 We're honest about what we've been doing, what we've done. 0:03:15.200 --> 0:03:16.800 We don't hold back, So tell us what we want 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:17.200 to keep doing. 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:20.360 Three years in the game, almost fifteen married. Yeah, you know, 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:22.920 people have literally watched us over the past maybe what 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:26.720 decade on social media, just putting our life out there, 0:03:26.760 --> 0:03:29.480 sharing with people and hoping people can relate. 0:03:29.680 --> 0:03:31.640 Y'all are definitely the rougherence point for a lot of 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:35.119 people because even my son's dad Rome, Oh my god, 0:03:35.200 --> 0:03:35.880 my first done. 0:03:36.080 --> 0:03:38.520 My first son's dad man, he man you and you 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:41.280 got to listen with this one, y'all. 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:44.840 Even y'all shows. He follows everything y'all doing. He has 0:03:45.520 --> 0:03:48.800 five kids by five different you know minds, you know, 0:03:49.000 --> 0:03:52.160 and he likes to he'll listen to one of y'all 0:03:52.160 --> 0:03:55.800 poll gusts and he'll be calling them telling him no, no, no, 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:59.160 because with developing coady said Dave David, you know, and 0:03:59.280 --> 0:04:02.640 while he gets home, creates a lot of arguments, but 0:04:02.960 --> 0:04:05.680 he hain't the developed type. 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:15.520 You just tell him listen to the podcast. 0:04:15.560 --> 0:04:18.640 I don't try to preach you ain't, but it's. 0:04:18.560 --> 0:04:20.320 Right because y'all real life though, like y'all the way 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:22.120 you've been going through stuff on y'all. I watched y'all 0:04:22.200 --> 0:04:24.760 channel a lot. Way y'all deal with stuff. Y'all were 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:26.680 the first time that I saw a young black couple 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:28.039 that was still like regular, like. 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:31.760 And like, I was like, oh, they probably hang U. 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:32.800 I will go at and stuff like that. 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:35.280 And we still do. Yeah, we walk around and people 0:04:35.360 --> 0:04:37.480 be like, why y'all without security? Why y'all? And I'm like, 0:04:37.600 --> 0:04:39.440 cause it's my hood, Like what you mean? 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:39.760 You know? 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:44.080 I felt like he could relate to y'all because that's 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:45.520 like a big thing for your audience. 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:48.840 I will say this about Room, like the vow now, 0:04:49.000 --> 0:04:51.520 wasn't the the vour when I first started. Okay, the 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:53.640 divour when I first started was probably close to the 0:04:53.720 --> 0:04:56.000 room I was. I don't know him, but I was immature. 0:04:56.600 --> 0:04:59.520 I lacked emotional intelligence. I didn't understand you know what. 0:05:07.000 --> 0:05:10.880 But I take pride in showing the growth because I 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:13.560 don't want anyone to ever be like I got to 0:05:13.600 --> 0:05:16.760 be perfect to be accepted. Nahu all that I was 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:18.840 never perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm a fuck up again. 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:21.280 Hopefully y'all give me grace if I fuck up. You 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:22.760 know what I'm saying. That's what I want people to 0:05:23.120 --> 0:05:25.160 walk around the earth feeling like you don't got to 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:27.680 be perfect for people to just accept you. And if 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.120 you expecting everybody to accept you, that's a problem anyway. 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:31.840 Yeah. 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:34.080 No, to be honest, we almost just didn't do the 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:34.840 podcast anymore. 0:05:34.960 --> 0:05:38.520 So last February we had a bunch of live, sold 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:39.560 out shows Apollo. 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:41.760 It was like historic, it was great. So we're like, 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:43.440 you know what, why don't we go out on a high? 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:45.400 You know, we did all we've done. 0:05:45.760 --> 0:05:48.800 I feel like we've spoken aloud, you know, dealt with 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:53.040 our issues publicly as a form of therapy through the podcast, right, 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:55.440 and we felt like we've done all we had to 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:57.320 do in the podcast space, and people literally like, you 0:05:57.400 --> 0:05:58.280 guys cannot do this. 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:00.800 And to your point, we meet people on the. 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:04.800 Regular the airport, random places and they're like, y'all can't 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:07.520 stop doing this because you have saved my marriage or 0:06:07.880 --> 0:06:10.400 you've showed me that I'm able to open up to 0:06:10.480 --> 0:06:12.680 my partner and bring up these topics that are once 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:16.440 taboo or uncomfortable to discuss, you know, and people say, 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:17.760 if they wanted the value, you have to be a 0:06:17.800 --> 0:06:18.800 Kadeen and vice versa. 0:06:18.960 --> 0:06:21.679 So tell Row make sure that he's on the straight 0:06:21.760 --> 0:06:22.080 and era. 0:06:22.839 --> 0:06:25.360 And I think one thing that is great about what 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:29.160 y'all do is just open lines of communication. That's it now, 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:31.720 regardless if you're in a you want to start a podcast, 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:33.359 that's what you should have with your partner. 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:34.000 If y'all want to just. 0:06:33.960 --> 0:06:35.640 Sit in y'all living room every day and say, Okay, 0:06:35.880 --> 0:06:38.040 we're gonna talk for two hours, but we're going to talk. 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:40.040 We may not recording and put it out, they're going 0:06:40.120 --> 0:06:41.040 to talk. It's just about. 0:06:40.800 --> 0:06:42.800 Communication encouraging that absolutely. 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:45.240 And you know what's funny, most people when we first 0:06:45.240 --> 0:06:47.480 started the podcast thought it was so crazy. Y'all talk 0:06:47.520 --> 0:06:52.720 to each other. And I'm like, you talk about sex, 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:55.880 you talk about money, you talk or how could. 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:57.760 You talk to her like that? Like people were offended. 0:06:57.880 --> 0:07:04.280 For me, they felt like you were like the super controlling, 0:07:04.560 --> 0:07:06.880 like arrogant this is all about me. 0:07:08.560 --> 0:07:11.800 And I'm from it, but I get it right. 0:07:11.840 --> 0:07:13.920 And I had to accept that because you have to 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:16.320 show people over time, right. You can't expect people when 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:18.640 you first put something out to say know who I am. 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:21.480 It took years. We did our podcast for seven years 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:24.240 fifteen seasons, won a Webby Award, but it took time. 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:27.560 In the beginning, it was so much like pushback of 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:30.240 the arrogant, the violent asshole. He always talks down. But 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:33.440 what I realized they weren't used to seeing an educated 0:07:33.480 --> 0:07:36.360 black man speak about his emotions. And it triggered a 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:38.080 lot of women. You know what I'm saying, Like that's 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.000 the fact, Like I'm not going to sit back here 0:07:40.040 --> 0:07:42.480 and not say what I need and require, because I'm 0:07:42.480 --> 0:07:45.000 also going to ask her what she needs and require, 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:47.320 and I'm going to deliver on that. But now this 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:48.720 is my turn to talk about it. And a lot 0:07:48.760 --> 0:07:51.160 of people didn't like it. But now it's come more normalized. 0:07:51.400 --> 0:07:53.160 Like I used to when we lived in New York, 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:56.080 I heard Charlamagne every morning talk about mental health. My 0:07:56.280 --> 0:07:59.960 sons now know about mental health. It's not taboo anymore, 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:02.360 and they speak their feelings. Mom, I don't feel good 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:05.280 about this. I'm nervous about that. Now we want to 0:08:05.400 --> 0:08:07.160 keep showing young men like that's okay. 0:08:07.280 --> 0:08:11.160 You know what, especially within our community, black men and 0:08:11.200 --> 0:08:13.320 women are always pitted against each other. And if we 0:08:13.400 --> 0:08:14.920 want our black men to open up to us, why 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:16.720 not create a space for them to do that. So 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:18.920 I'm like, Devout, I want you to be honest with me. 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:21.200 It doesn't have to be a little honesty, but I 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:23.240 want you to be honest and transparent about how you feel, 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:25.760 because I'm not trying to guess. Like, the good thing 0:08:25.760 --> 0:08:27.320 about Deval and I for the years that we've been 0:08:27.360 --> 0:08:29.400 together is that we've always given each other a choice, 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:33.440 and the choice happens because we are fully communicative about 0:08:33.440 --> 0:08:34.520 the things that we want and need. 0:08:34.920 --> 0:08:37.480 So every morning I wake up with the choice to 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:40.559 be here, and I decide to be here. And it's 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:41.280 been working for us. 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:45.439 You know, y'all been together twenty two years. Me and 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:47.160 my wife been together twenty six to be twenty seven. 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:50.480 I want to ask the ball, when did you and 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:53.960 it's gonna sound crazy to some people listening, when did 0:08:54.000 --> 0:08:56.679 you realize Kadeen was a safe space for you to 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:59.559 be your absolute most vulnerableness. 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:03.360 Wow, that's a good question. And I always preface I'm 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:05.280 a preface by saying this. The first five years of 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:08.240 our marriage was terrible, right, And it wasn't terrible for 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:11.000 the reasons people think it was terrible. People automatically assume 0:09:11.200 --> 0:09:14.360 it's terrible because of infidelity or money, But that wasn't it. 0:09:14.760 --> 0:09:17.560 It was terrible because I did not feel safe telling 0:09:17.640 --> 0:09:20.320 her how I felt about things, so I bottled it up. 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:22.920 I suppressed it. I would go in the bathroom, sit 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:24.800 on the toilet, turned the shower, and I'd be crying, 0:09:25.120 --> 0:09:26.679 trying to figure out where, you know, what I was 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:28.480 going to do with my life. Because I just come 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:30.760 from being in the NFL making a lot of money. 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:32.720 I had to start all over again, and I felt 0:09:32.800 --> 0:09:34.520 like less of a man. But I can't tell that 0:09:34.640 --> 0:09:37.760 to my wife. And it was one day she was 0:09:37.800 --> 0:09:40.599 pregnant with Cairo, and I had said to her, we 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:42.319 were having a whole argument about stuff, and I was 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:43.959 just at the point, and you know how it is 0:09:44.000 --> 0:09:45.240 when you're a man, you get to the point where 0:09:45.240 --> 0:09:47.319 you just don't care no more. I was done. We 0:09:47.440 --> 0:09:49.360 was getting divorced, and I was like, you know what, 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:51.320 you lazy, don't You don't trust me, you don't believe 0:09:51.320 --> 0:09:52.480 in me, don't do all this and She's like, if 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:55.599 I'm not lazy, I'm fucking pregnant. And I was like, 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:02.240 the hormones, like the attitude, like the nausea. She was like, 0:10:02.320 --> 0:10:04.000 I was trying to find a way to surprise you 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:06.079 and tell you. And I said, well, why didn't you 0:10:06.200 --> 0:10:07.840 just tell me? And then when I said why didn't 0:10:07.840 --> 0:10:10.120 you just tell me? It hit me. Why don't I 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:13.319 just tell her what I'm going through? That was the 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:15.520 moment I wrote about it in our book We over 0:10:15.559 --> 0:10:18.599 Meet New York Times best seller, by the Way, But 0:10:19.800 --> 0:10:21.600 it was that moment I said to her, why don't 0:10:21.600 --> 0:10:23.880 you just tell me? And then it was like, why 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:26.319 don't you tell her? And from that moment on it 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:29.760 was twenty and sixteen. The minute I feel something sometimes 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:31.360 she don't be in a mood. I was like, yo, 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:35.480 we gotta sit on talk and she'd be like, and 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:38.079 I tell her. And the minute we've done, we've made 0:10:38.080 --> 0:10:39.880 a decision that we're not going to argue about it. 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:42.800 We're not gonna harbor no resentment. If we don't agree. 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:44.400 We don't agree. But that's how I feel, this is 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:46.560 how you feel, and we work towards, you know, being better. 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:48.719 That's why I asked, because it doesn't matter how long 0:10:48.760 --> 0:10:50.480 you're with a person, and it don't have anything don't 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:50.760 do with you. 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:55.640 It really just us as men. Absolutely, when do we realize, Okay, 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:56.640 this is a safe space. 0:10:56.880 --> 0:10:59.120 Is this woman that I have devoted my life to 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:01.439 the mother and my children is a safe space for me. 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:05.280 It's hard for men to find safe spaces. Man, we don't. 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:09.160 I can't even find safe spaces amongst my boys. Forget 0:11:09.200 --> 0:11:12.240 a woman. If I go to tell my homeboy that 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:16.000 I'm feeling a way nigga, you soft jazz, and it's like, 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:18.760 am I you know what I'm saying? You asking? Am 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:21.280 I you know what I am? Let me tough en up. 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:24.240 So if my homies feel like that about me, I 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:27.160 can't tell my girl I'm going through it. It took maturity. 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:29.800 It took me to realize that I chose this woman 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:31.480 and she chose me to spend the rest of our 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:34.559 lives together. What my homies think don't matter, what the 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:36.520 world think don't matter as long as we can get 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:38.360 on the same page. So she's always the first person 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:41.079 I go to now. But it wasn't always like that, 0:11:41.240 --> 0:11:42.520 and that's when we struggled the most. 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:44.400 Yeah, and it's a resilience there because think about it, 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:46.319 we could have thrown in the towel a long time ago. 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:49.280 So when we meet people now and they're dating phases 0:11:49.360 --> 0:11:50.360 and they're just like, what should we do? 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.160 They're writing for advice on the podcast all the time, and. 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:55.520 We're just like, I feel like this generation at least 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:57.840 coming up, nobody wants to put the work in. Nobody 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:00.480 wants to tough things out, Nobody wants to be honest. 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:02.880 You show up as a representative of yourself and you're 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:05.600 expecting someone to be honest with you. You know, it's 0:12:05.720 --> 0:12:06.559 really hard out there. 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:07.440 So we went through that. 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:09.920 Together, and it was hard as individuals trying to grow 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:12.120 at seventeen, eighteen years old. 0:12:12.679 --> 0:12:15.679 Now we hit the fourth floor, y'all, you know, forty one. 0:12:15.760 --> 0:12:18.840 It's like so many years of trying to grow together, 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:21.880 to respect each other's space, figure out who we are, 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:24.920 grow as individuals, raise children at the same time. I mean, 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.240 when I look back on our years, it's it's insane. 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:27.840 Yeah. 0:12:28.440 --> 0:12:32.000 I love how transparent y'all are with the public and 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:35.160 even with y'all fans, Like you know, y'all built so 0:12:35.280 --> 0:12:37.640 it's like a fan base for like marriages and you 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:40.760 know people who been even divorced, like look for y'all, 0:12:41.200 --> 0:12:43.080 look to y'all for advice because y'all put it out there, 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:43.920 the highs and the lows. 0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:46.920 Right. How do y'all handle disagreements in front of your kids? 0:12:46.960 --> 0:12:47.120 Though? 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:50.040 Because if y'all y'all real with us, right, how is it? 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:53.439 And then you know, parents, you got two types of 0:12:54.120 --> 0:12:56.199 like situations like that. A lot of parents don't like 0:12:56.320 --> 0:12:59.640 their kids to see them like it's not realistic. 0:12:59.280 --> 0:13:03.360 Though, So we handle disagreements as a family spot on. 0:13:04.120 --> 0:13:06.000 If we disagree on something and the kids are there, 0:13:06.080 --> 0:13:07.640 we're going to have a discussion. And the minute we 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:09.839 have a discussion, I will go to Jackson and say, 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:11.960 you see how I spoke to your mom? You see 0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:13.680 how I don't got to be disrespectful. You see how 0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:15.840 I don't got to raise my voice. Do you understand 0:13:15.880 --> 0:13:19.440 what it means to have empathy towards someone who thinks 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:21.640 differently than you? And they be like, yeah, I see it, 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:23.520 And I'm like, now I understand this. Me and your 0:13:23.600 --> 0:13:26.160 mom may disagree, but that's my wife. Because they going 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:29.079 to be somebody's husbands someday. They have to see what 0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:32.120 it's like. So I never wanted to put my kids 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:35.839 in a situation where I was. My parents never argued 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:37.280 in front of me, but then they would go in 0:13:37.320 --> 0:13:39.560 the room and be screaming and hollering. I'd be like, yo, 0:13:39.640 --> 0:13:42.120 what is going on? Then your pops come out. You're 0:13:42.160 --> 0:13:43.520 like that, why are you talking to mom like that? 0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:46.520 He looking at you, like, boy, that's my wife. I'm checking. 0:13:46.600 --> 0:13:49.760 I'm like all. But then that didn't give me any 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:51.920 emotional maturity to deal with my wife for the first 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:54.160 five years. So there was a couple of days where 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:57.079 I came home and I was making making money, she 0:13:57.240 --> 0:14:00.280 wasn't working, and the fool wasn't ready because she had accident. 0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:02.400 I'm like, what's going on? Because I'm thinking that this 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:04.640 is what a man is supposed to be, and she 0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:09.360 was like, from well, that's not the response. 0:14:11.480 --> 0:14:12.240 Starts to go in. 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:15.200 It just started to realize that that's what that wasn't 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:18.320 the way like the stuff that we saw growing up, 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:21.200 and we just felt like if I emulate this, I'll 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:23.160 be successful. Wasn't making me feel good. 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:24.800 We didn't know no better we did it. 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:27.480 I mean that's what you was learning from just observing, 0:14:27.600 --> 0:14:29.480 like there's no manual that comes with any of it. 0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:32.440 That's why, you know, I give my father a lot 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:34.320 of grace because when me and my father had a 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:37.560 real conversation and he told me about his mental health 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:40.360 issues and I knew about his substance, it just made 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:42.120 me realize, Oh, he just the man trying to figure 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:42.640 it out, like I was. 0:14:45.200 --> 0:14:45.840 Two months ago. 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:47.800 My dad stayed with us to help with the Oh yeah, 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:48.520 that's a story. 0:14:48.720 --> 0:14:50.800 And I'm gonna try to talk about this without crying 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:54.200 because I watched my dad and my mom came and 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:55.920 it was the same thing happened, and my dad was 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:58.320 kind of short with my mom and I was in 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:00.480 the car, and now I'm grown, so I'm and my 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:01.840 dad gets short with my mom and I'm like, yo, 0:15:01.880 --> 0:15:03.480 you having a little tantrum for no reason. I need 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:06.320 to chill right, And my dad looking at me like, nigga, 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:08.560 I'm still your pops. But he's still like, you know what. 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.160 We talk about this later. We go in the living 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:14.120 room and we have like a three hour conversation, and 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:16.200 just like your dad, he was telling me all the 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:18.520 things he'd been through, all his fears, all his worries, 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:20.920 and for the first time I saw my father as 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:22.960 a human and I said, Yo, you were just trying 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:24.680 to do that. You got married at twenty one, you 0:15:24.760 --> 0:15:28.080 had me at twenty two to my brother at twenty four. Wow, 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:31.520 Like who taught you? My grandfather was an army guy, 0:15:31.920 --> 0:15:33.960 didn't talk much. You know what I'm saying, Dudes, I 0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:37.480 say not as I do, following my lead, like nobody spoke. 0:15:37.880 --> 0:15:40.320 So after speaking to my father, man, my heart got 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:43.120 so big because I saw him as a person, like 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:45.440 now he' my dude. Now like, yo, pops, just talk. 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:47.120 And here's the funny part. He said to me at 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:49.240 the end of it, I got to be better for 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:52.120 your mom. I was like, that's why I said, I'm 0:15:52.120 --> 0:15:55.920 trying to do it, not cry, because my mom is 0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:57.800 my heart. You know, you grow up in the house 0:15:57.840 --> 0:15:59.800 and you my mom's small on status. She's five too, 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:01.960 and my dad is six footy, big right, And I 0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:03.920 see sometimes my mom's be like I'm like dealing with 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:06.080 him today. And I told her my mom don't have 0:16:06.160 --> 0:16:08.080 a voice in his house because sometimes you don't give 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:09.600 her a voice. And he looked at me and said, 0:16:09.600 --> 0:16:11.880 I'm gonna do better for your mom and for the 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:15.000 rest of the week I saw him try. Now, he 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:17.240 still had to slip ups like we all do, like 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:20.120 I do, you know, but he tried, and I was like, 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:22.040 this is making me feel good because it's not always 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:24.640 about paying it forward. Sometimes you got paid back. Teach 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:27.080 that generation how we do things now, and he's open 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:27.360 to it. 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:29.800 Our podcast even we meet people who are older than 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:31.960 us and they will be like, wow, you guys. 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:35.440 You guys are younger, but you guys are talking about 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:38.160 things that I've experienced my entire life. We've actually opened 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:40.480 up the gates for discussions too. With my side of 0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:42.920 family as well. I've been from a careeran household, like 0:16:43.240 --> 0:16:45.640 having discussions about how you feel about things like that 0:16:45.880 --> 0:16:48.640 wasn't really a thing. And my mom has opened up 0:16:48.720 --> 0:16:52.080 to her son, she hasn't even opened up to me. 0:16:52.760 --> 0:16:56.880 I feel like as a family unit, intergenerationally, we're starting 0:16:56.960 --> 0:17:00.280