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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Stuff.

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Speaker 1: I'll never told your protection of I heart radios how

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Speaker 1: stuff works. We're moving into the holidays. We are you

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Speaker 1: know what. Though, after the intro, for some reason, the

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Speaker 1: Mario theme do Do Do Do Do just came into

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Speaker 1: my head, and I think that's gonna be my new

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Speaker 1: like theme background every time we start our introduction. Just

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Speaker 1: in your in your head, in my head? Okay, oh no, not,

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna help you, just in my head. Just

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Speaker 1: I just want you to know that's what I'm going.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, if you want to go to my head

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Speaker 1: to a copyright battle with Nintendo, I will follow you

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Speaker 1: the dark. I do not. Okay, Okay, yes, holidays coming.

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Speaker 1: It is um which are the most wonderful time of

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Speaker 1: the year, my least favorite time of the year for breakups.

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Speaker 1: It's the most wonderful there you go, um yeah, And

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Speaker 1: then you ask. More people break out this time of

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Speaker 1: year than any other time of year, which is really

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Speaker 1: odd because I've I've heard this as the cuffing season.

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Speaker 1: You know that's this time this time? Okay. So Urban

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Speaker 1: Dictionary has defined it as during the fall and winter months,

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Speaker 1: people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous um,

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Speaker 1: find themselves, along with the rest of the world, designed

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Speaker 1: to be cuffed or tied down by theories relationship. The

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Speaker 1: cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become

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Speaker 1: lonely and desperate to be cuffed to an individual. So

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Speaker 1: this is called the cuffing season. Oh, I can't wait

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Speaker 1: to see if this happens to me. Now I get it.

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Speaker 1: With me, I get it because you know, I don't

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Speaker 1: have to have to. I don't deal with a lot

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Speaker 1: of um. What is that called. It's not external relative?

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Speaker 1: So I have my immediate family that's where holidays and

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Speaker 1: outside of that, I don't really have much interaction at

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Speaker 1: the holidays anymore. But you know, there's obviously a question

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Speaker 1: of like, are you still single going there? Um, So

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Speaker 1: I get that kind of anxiety around it to My

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Speaker 1: family has a tradition in which they like to take

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Speaker 1: couples pictures or families pictures throughout and it doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: if it's just my immediate family, which involves me and

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Speaker 1: three of the siblings and then their family, or if

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Speaker 1: it's with my As you said, external I don't I'm

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Speaker 1: not really sure how to go about that, But like

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Speaker 1: my cousins and all of that, Yes, we're doing this

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Speaker 1: earlier a little normal. Yeah that was already bad. Now

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Speaker 1: it's even worse. But they also do it too where

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Speaker 1: they have family pictures and they do it in front

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Speaker 1: of everyone, in front of the fireplace. And I remember

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Speaker 1: one year and by the way, I've never taken anyone

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Speaker 1: home for a holiday, except for for ends who may

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Speaker 1: need just say, you know, may not have their family

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Speaker 1: nearby and can't go home. I've never brought anybody. That's

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Speaker 1: just not something I do. Now. My siblings have just

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Speaker 1: started taking people home at thirteen. Yeah. Um. And then

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Speaker 1: there was my nieces and nephew not most, not all

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Speaker 1: of them, but a few of them started, like a

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Speaker 1: fifteen sixteen started bringing others with it. I'm like, this

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Speaker 1: is so weird. To be fair, again, I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of them would rather be with my family than

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Speaker 1: their own family or whatever the crisis was at that time.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, they have this habit of bringing people from

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Speaker 1: a young age, and so I've never done that. It's

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Speaker 1: never been an interest to me. I don't care enough.

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Speaker 1: Maybe um, but because of that, they would have a

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Speaker 1: couple of pictures, a couple of pictures, a couple of pictures,

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Speaker 1: and then I would be alone and my grant, my

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Speaker 1: poor sweet grandmother UM and I loved her dearly would

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Speaker 1: be like that you need to get up there too,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, that's okay, I'm okay, I don't

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Speaker 1: need to be by myself in front of the damn fireplace.

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Speaker 1: But she would hash me so hard. My mom would

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Speaker 1: get angry with me for not doing it, and then

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Speaker 1: as I got older, I was like, Mom, please please,

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Speaker 1: this makes me miserable, and she was like, you're right,

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Speaker 1: You're right. And so one year she's like, I'll get

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Speaker 1: up there with you. So it was me and my mom.

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Speaker 1: Use me and my dad. It was me and someone

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Speaker 1: else that was of significance but not a significant other. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so that was always fun for the holidays. There's so

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Speaker 1: many reasons I don't like it, but that was one

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Speaker 1: of the other reasons. But man, if you had done that,

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Speaker 1: you could make a calendar of just me. I should

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Speaker 1: have leaned into it. I think it was partially like

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Speaker 1: the shame of not bringing, you know, as the usual,

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Speaker 1: because my younger cousins would bring people, and I mean,

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Speaker 1: I'm not stay younger. I mean like ten years younger.

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Speaker 1: I would bring people and I'd be like, hey, y'all,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna sit in the corner. All good, don't look

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Speaker 1: at me. Yeah, you know, I'm I'm fine. I'm fine

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Speaker 1: over here. Um. I I can understand why the holidays

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Speaker 1: they're they're stressful, and then you're adding stuff like photos

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Speaker 1: and meeting the family, and I I feel like I'm

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Speaker 1: the type of person who would wait and break up

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Speaker 1: on the other side of the holidays. Um. I've only

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Speaker 1: taken a significant other home once for the holidays. No. Actually,

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Speaker 1: what happened was he wanted he was a big cruise person,

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Speaker 1: and he wanted to do a long cruise over Christmas

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Speaker 1: in New Year's and so I was gonna miss Christmas,

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Speaker 1: and um, we invited my mom and my little brother

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Speaker 1: to his place to have like a Christmas dinner. And uh,

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Speaker 1: that's when I discovered because we spent most of the

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Speaker 1: time at my place, he had no nothing to cook with, like,

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Speaker 1: so we had to go by like pots and some stuff.

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Speaker 1: And it was a kind of a disaster. That would

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Speaker 1: be when I'm doing a catered mill. Somehow I should

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Speaker 1: have that was well, I was trying to like replicate

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Speaker 1: what I would have with my mom. Um. And then

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Speaker 1: we went on cruise, and uh, we have all of

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Speaker 1: these pictures of us, like Christmas trees and New Year's

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Speaker 1: and in Hawaiian shirts. Uh. Usually for me, I'm just

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Speaker 1: an athletic gear all the time. That was when I

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Speaker 1: was training for a marathon. Actually training for a marathon

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Speaker 1: on a bership is hard as I'm on the boat, Okay, right,

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Speaker 1: that's right. Um. And you know we broke up not

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Speaker 1: a couple of months after that, and then the next year,

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Speaker 1: my mom I don't know if I've told this story

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Speaker 1: on the show before, I think I had, but Bradley

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Speaker 1: Cooper came to her office once, and yeah, my mom

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Speaker 1: became obsessed with the idea that I could marry Bradley

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Speaker 1: Cooper because I he was in the office and I

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Speaker 1: did not even know he was in the office. I

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Speaker 1: saw him, and honestly, I thought it was another corporate guy.

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Speaker 1: I was trying to avoid him. Um turns out as

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Speaker 1: a Bradley Cooper. And my mom was I think shallow

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Speaker 1: had just come out, so she was in I'm like

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Speaker 1: Bradley Cooper mine, so it'd be like nine PM on Tuesday,

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Speaker 1: and I'd get a text for my mom. You know,

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Speaker 1: he speaks French like random bags about why you should

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Speaker 1: be in love with this person and pursue him. Yes,

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Speaker 1: love it. I did too. I thought it was hilarious.

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Speaker 1: So if I for a sponsor, we had a sponsor

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Speaker 1: that was like a gift card holiday card company, and

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Speaker 1: I had no significant other, I don't have dogs or

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Speaker 1: I don't have basically would be just me, like you

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Speaker 1: were saying. So I got the idea to photoshop me

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Speaker 1: and Bradley Cooper together in this Christmas card, that wonderful

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Speaker 1: Christmas car. It's so good, It's so good. And then

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Speaker 1: on the back I wrote, you know you're right mom,

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Speaker 1: Brad and I and she thought it was true for

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Speaker 1: like two seconds. It's finally happened. But now my ideas

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Speaker 1: every year, I'm going to like up the antie and

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Speaker 1: make more and more ridiculous photos, which is awesome. A lover,

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Speaker 1: I wish I could have stuff like that. UM, up

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Speaker 1: until about and that will we'll stop with the personal stories.

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Speaker 1: But up until about four or five years ago when UM,

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Speaker 1: a majority of my siblings which is all of my

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Speaker 1: siblings went through sad divorces. Um My mom at Christmas

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Speaker 1: holiday traditions would be hard yelling at me about how

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Speaker 1: I'm going to die alone. Oh gosh. Yes, So this

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Speaker 1: is also another reason that I'm like, this is the

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Speaker 1: worst season of the year, so I should start doing that.

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Speaker 1: I should do some photo shopping and be like, look,

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Speaker 1: look what's happening. I'm dating this dude. I need to

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Speaker 1: find a picture of Chris Evans. Oh, I need to

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Speaker 1: like photoshop myself being hugged by him. Okay, I think

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Speaker 1: I can help you with this. I wanted to hold me. Okay,

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Speaker 1: maybe one day. You know, we're actually not talking about

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Speaker 1: specifically this, We're talking about heartbreak. So my mother was

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Speaker 1: heartbroken because there are a lot of different types of heartbreak.

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Speaker 1: I feel like the one that most people think of

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Speaker 1: is when you're significant other you break up or something.

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Speaker 1: But there's a bunch of different types. And we are

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Speaker 1: going to be talking a lot about clearly about that

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Speaker 1: specific type of heartbreak, but we're gonna talk talk about others.

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Speaker 1: And it is it does seem to be a cultural

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Speaker 1: obsession of ours. Um, it's hard to avoid. I mean,

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Speaker 1: on a daily basis. As I was walking here, I

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Speaker 1: had Google Play on Shuffle, and I think every song

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Speaker 1: was about heartbreak. Um. And I don't know if that's

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Speaker 1: because I've been researching it and Google knows everything you

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Speaker 1: do every um, but I was kind of like, oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: and after I broke up with the aforementioned boyfriend, UM,

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Speaker 1: I remember all of a sudden these songs that I

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Speaker 1: had been making fun of. I was like, yes, right,

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Speaker 1: I feel it too, right. I absolutely understand that because

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Speaker 1: they're still in the back of my head and still

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Speaker 1: on my playlist too. So when I would randomly shovel something,

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that emotion comes up. Yeah, Oh,

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Speaker 1: there's that feeling. I can't listen to this right now. Right.

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Speaker 1: It is funny how there is a part of at

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Speaker 1: least for me, to a part of me that sometimes

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I wanted to live in this emotion, and

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Speaker 1: then other times I'm like, oh God, no, please, I

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Speaker 1: gotta avoid it with all costs. So I'm like, no

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Speaker 1: Taylor Swift songs actually. Um. So one of the things

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Speaker 1: we're going to talk about as well is something I

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Speaker 1: know some of us have heard about, can you die

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Speaker 1: from heartbreak? And in my family, my grandfather died a

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Speaker 1: month after my grandmother. UM, and we often say it

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Speaker 1: was heartbreak. I don't know that that. I probably wasn't that,

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Speaker 1: but he was the devastated when she died. And UM,

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Speaker 1: I think he just kind of, I don't know if

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Speaker 1: lost the will to live, but it became much harder

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Speaker 1: for him. Right. It seems that a swift decline when

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Speaker 1: it's like that. UM with my grandparents, the same thing.

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Speaker 1: I don't think it was, but maybe it's more so

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Speaker 1: in our head, but it feels like it's a heartbreak

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Speaker 1: about whatever situation has happened. UM. And in our past

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Speaker 1: episode on emotional Labor, we talked a bit about the

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Speaker 1: stats around male widowers who have a higher mortality rate

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Speaker 1: than female widowers. We've also done episodes on how to

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Speaker 1: deal with heartbreak. UM, here's some bad examples are revenge

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Speaker 1: body not so bad example, I guess is post break

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Speaker 1: up haircut. It can be bad, it could be good.

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Speaker 1: The beans. Yeah, even after I've done that episode, I

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Speaker 1: knew the traps and the pitfalls, and I did it. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: have you done something like that, not necessarily haircuts? UM,

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Speaker 1: I think I've definitely done, Like I need to get

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Speaker 1: in shape, all those things I do the crying a

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Speaker 1: little bit, but I'm also a little more motivated. Um,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, I gotta do anything but sit here

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Speaker 1: and think about it. That's kind of that. And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna volunteer for this. I gotta do that. I

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Speaker 1: gotta do this. And then at night, I'm just like,

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Speaker 1: I gotta find a way to sleep. Where's not meltonin.

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Speaker 1: I gotta hug my dog. I gotta watch the same reruns,

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Speaker 1: which is not unusual for me any other day. I

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Speaker 1: guess I have my infamous story around the office of

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Speaker 1: accidentally ordering seventy cookies in my like throes of of

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Speaker 1: the post breakup. The worst that got it was three am.

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Speaker 1: The cookie ladies showed up at the door and was like, oh, honey,

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Speaker 1: I know you didn't mean to do this. I was

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Speaker 1: crying when I answered the door, and then I took

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Speaker 1: it was it was storming, and I took the box

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Speaker 1: of cookies and destroyed them with the baseball bat outside. Wow,

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Speaker 1: that's dramatic. It was a Shawshank redemption, but much less

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Speaker 1: like meaningful moment. That's dramatic. Were you screaming at the

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Speaker 1: cookie It was like like scream crying in my head,

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Speaker 1: I want to know that you threw a cookie up

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Speaker 1: and like you would yell curse at him. Yeah. And

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Speaker 1: then the next day I had like the grossest fleeting.

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Speaker 1: I didn't do it. I was like, I wonder if

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Speaker 1: any of those cookies are saligeable? No, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: make him out. I'm not mad at I'm not mad

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Speaker 1: at that. And then I have felt a new type

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Speaker 1: of heartbreak since my dad died, which is a more

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Speaker 1: kind of deep incurable sadness as opposed to for me

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Speaker 1: that that post breakup, which is really I think I've

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Speaker 1: been through too. That we're really serious post break up

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Speaker 1: like grief, and those are more I go through destructive

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Speaker 1: rage um and and like angry crying. I guess a

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Speaker 1: lot of that um. And then I um, after I

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Speaker 1: love China. That was a really a moment in my

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Speaker 1: life that I would describe as heartbreak. And when I

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Speaker 1: walked to work every day there's just smell like a

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Speaker 1: it's like a oil, just cooking oil, and it reminds

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Speaker 1: me of China. And every day I feel like a pang.

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Speaker 1: And that's been I mean, I think years. Yeah, that's true,

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Speaker 1: that's true. And I do think a lot of people,

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Speaker 1: including myself. We we have kind of these markers of

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Speaker 1: post breakup or post pet dying or post whatever traumatic thing.

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Speaker 1: Um because there are life changing events, they're transformative and

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Speaker 1: you kind of write their milestones. Yeah, like I said, um,

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Speaker 1: I definitely phil What I do is kind of I

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Speaker 1: slip into the motivation mode and that might go into

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Speaker 1: you know, post breakup body type of situation. Um. I

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Speaker 1: also do a loss of different other activities, including like

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Speaker 1: I tortured myself to sleepless nights and I just sit

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Speaker 1: there and talk about think about, you know, what is

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Speaker 1: wrong with me essentially, and then I dig deep social

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Speaker 1: work background, you know, about analyzing my actual diagnosis. Why

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Speaker 1: are these blah blah blah blah blah go back to

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Speaker 1: my childhood? And then also grief is definitely something that

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Speaker 1: brings whole new heartbreak, a loss or death of things

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Speaker 1: that can't be healed without time and support oftentimes, and

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Speaker 1: of course it's always going to be there because it's

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Speaker 1: a part of losses permanent. So because death is permanent,

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Speaker 1: you know, and it sounds really obvious, but because of that,

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Speaker 1: there's no backing into everything's gonna be fine. We could

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Speaker 1: redo this, we could redo that, you know. You and

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Speaker 1: I talked about this in our death and loss in

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Speaker 1: the Dutiful Daughter episode, where there's always going to be

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Speaker 1: a little bit of regret. It doesn't matter what it does,

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Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how perfect you think your relationship is,

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Speaker 1: and it just is UM and then don is significant.

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Speaker 1: I actually grieve over my dog still, Benny, whom I

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Speaker 1: called Bennington Ziggler because I just have to get a

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Speaker 1: full name, UM, and I couldn't sleep in the bed

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Speaker 1: without him, and it took me years to even get

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Speaker 1: a new dog, which we talked about Peaches, and I'm

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Speaker 1: already like I'm still kind of like shaken by the

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Speaker 1: idea UM. But it was weird for me, and I

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Speaker 1: think this has a whole lot of different things. But

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Speaker 1: when my grandfather died within the same year as my

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Speaker 1: dog died, and I think my grandfather had passed away

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Speaker 1: and then my dog died, and I grieved harder about

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Speaker 1: my dog, but I think it was just a culmination

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Speaker 1: of all the things that had happened, and it just

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Speaker 1: felt even bigger loss on loss, you know. And then

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Speaker 1: I felt that way in my career, my job, I've

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Speaker 1: worn and loss as in what I believe is failures,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I think I sometimes confused

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Speaker 1: my failure and anxiety as loss, which is a thing

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Speaker 1: to hard stop. It's really hard to stop grieving over

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Speaker 1: what could have been, what ifs UM, But the recovery

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Speaker 1: is faster, hopefully, hopefully if you can actually get on

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Speaker 1: right track whatever mental health situation you have. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think that was part of the bigger grieving processes

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Speaker 1: that I had to go through. It was being heartbroken

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Speaker 1: because I felt like I couldn't do or say someone

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Speaker 1: or you know it even still like actually recently happened

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Speaker 1: because obviously I'm in the middle of UM doing two

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Speaker 1: very different things as my job and career, and I

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Speaker 1: reflect on what I was doing and I feel like,

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Speaker 1: partially did I fail if I leave or if I

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Speaker 1: try something new, or wouldn't you have what is this failure?

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Speaker 1: So so weird like grieving process for sure, and heartbreaking

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Speaker 1: moments for me to think on those things. Yeah, UM,

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Speaker 1: And we've both talked about how UM I went through

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Speaker 1: a sense of heartbreak for like my younger self and

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Speaker 1: feeling like she was a little sister that died and

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Speaker 1: that was kind of a pretty big grieving process and

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Speaker 1: through this show, UM, we've had to deal with that.

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Speaker 1: I think for me that was one of the first

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Speaker 1: times I've directly acknowledged and dealt with it. But it was.

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Speaker 1: It's pretty serious, and I mean a lot of the

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Speaker 1: things we're talking about clearly heartbreak has major impact. Is

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Speaker 1: so powerful. UM dictates a lot of our decisions, it does. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean, like fear, fear of heartbreak is such a

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Speaker 1: motivator for so many people. You have rejection that kept

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Speaker 1: me so I'm gonna talk about a little later, but

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Speaker 1: that kept me from even trying to get into a

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Speaker 1: relationship up still still yeah, it's it's scary. UM. So

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Speaker 1: one of the things we like to do, of course,

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Speaker 1: is our definitions. And as we said, we are going

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Speaker 1: to be talking a lot about breakup heartbreak. But you know,

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Speaker 1: there are all kinds of heartbreak. I remember uh having

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Speaker 1: a like round table with the women. This was before

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Speaker 1: you worked here, Samitha, but after Donald Trump was elected

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Speaker 1: in the women in this office, and like experiencing joint

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Speaker 1: heartbreaks can experience like political heartbreak, loss of a loved one,

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Speaker 1: loss of pet, loss of agency, traumatic injury. UM, there

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Speaker 1: are a lot of things that will give you this

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Speaker 1: kind of like heart pain that we're talking about. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: According to behavioral psychologist Joe Hemmings, heartbreak is a quote

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Speaker 1: state of devastating emotional loss. While different for all of us,

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Speaker 1: the intense feelings of sadness, grief, and the overwhelming sense

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Speaker 1: of never being able to get past the pain are common.

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Speaker 1: And if we at the brain, breakups trigger the same

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Speaker 1: area as physical pain, and they induce the same symptoms

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Speaker 1: as drug withdraw and not like jug with all light,

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Speaker 1: I think like medium drug withdraw. This is part of

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Speaker 1: the reason we feel the need to send ill advised

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Speaker 1: like night text to our scroll through our ex's Instagram. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: no way, I'm a little weird with that. So we

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Speaker 1: all go through heartbreak. Let's just say that heartbreak is

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Speaker 1: universal and on average, by the age of thirty, most

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Speaker 1: of us will have experienced three breakups, with one of

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Speaker 1: them significantly impacting our quality of life for a period

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Speaker 1: of time, and the number one reason report for breakups

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Speaker 1: lack of communication no surprise to um and. Some symptoms

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Speaker 1: of heartbreak include isolation, isolating yourself, numbness, volatile emotions, unhealthy eating,

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Speaker 1: working all the time, or inability to work, substance abuse,

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Speaker 1: lack of sleep. Um, just these feelings of being unlovable, damaged,

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Speaker 1: deeply unworthy, like you'll never find happiness again. A study

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Speaker 1: conducted by Christine Tompkins out of University of Rochester but

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Speaker 1: forth that broken heart syndrome a k A. Stress induced

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Speaker 1: heart failure is a real thing. This is also called

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Speaker 1: stress induced cardio myopathy or taco subo cardio myopathy. Taco

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Speaker 1: subo is name for octovis traps that look like broken hearts.

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Speaker 1: Women are more likely to experience sharp heart pains in

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Speaker 1: response to emotional pain. Further science has found links between

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Speaker 1: mental health, depression and heart disease. Broken heart syndrome presents

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Speaker 1: very similar to a heart attack shortness of breath, chest

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Speaker 1: pains minus the blocked arteries. What's happening is a part

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Speaker 1: of your heart enlarges and kind of falls down on

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Speaker 1: the job when it comes to pumping. But it usually

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Speaker 1: only lasts a couple of weeks and it is treatable. Yes, um,

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Speaker 1: and I did want to put in here just as

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Speaker 1: a kind of joking, kind of serious aside, there are

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Speaker 1: some benefits heartbreak. I mean, the main one is you

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Speaker 1: learn a lesson right, hopefully you learn something. Are you

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Speaker 1: appreciate somebody you know? Um? But for me, I never

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Speaker 1: put on real clothes, you know, eat cookies or cheese

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Speaker 1: or my case, apparently fun shishido's all day every day. Um,

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Speaker 1: watching the same movies over and over again with no

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Speaker 1: judgment my friends. As I said, watch How to Train

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Speaker 1: Your Dragon with me probably three times in a row recently.

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Speaker 1: And obviously these aren't healthy in the long run, These

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Speaker 1: aren't healthy habits to build. But while you're in the

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Speaker 1: throws of grief, I was acceptable. Yeah. I usually give

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Speaker 1: people a time frame. Yeah, you do do if you're

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Speaker 1: going through a recent divorce, I'll give you a year. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'll give a because it's a lot of like up

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Speaker 1: and down. Ye. Well, honestly, it's just like trying to

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Speaker 1: figure who you are again without that person longtime relationship.

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Speaker 1: Probably the same thing I'm going to give you over

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Speaker 1: a long time. But then at one point I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: be like, all right, I'm gonna I'm gonna and I

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Speaker 1: do this for myself. I think I do a shorter

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Speaker 1: time frame for myself because I'm like, this is a ridiculous,

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Speaker 1: get over it. Um, I'm like, Okay, we gotta do

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Speaker 1: at least these things, but for now, we can dictate

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Speaker 1: exactly what you need, Like you can tell me exactly

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Speaker 1: what you need, whether it's me coming in there, just

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Speaker 1: sitting with you in the dark, me leaving you alone

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Speaker 1: for a small amount of time. I'm not gonna leave

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Speaker 1: you alone too often because I have to check and

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Speaker 1: make sure you're okay. Um uh. And then when it

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Speaker 1: comes to all right, maybe it's tough for therapy, you know,

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Speaker 1: like which we all should do anyway, but it's definitely

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Speaker 1: some of those I'm like, all right, yes you need time,

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Speaker 1: you need morning for sure, but I'm gonna be the

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Speaker 1: friend that's gonna be there for you. And if that

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Speaker 1: means to love, I got it. Yes you do. Um.

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Speaker 1: And again, we've talked about this a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: but people experience grief in different ways, and it's like

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Speaker 1: not linear. So one day you'll be oh, I'm fine,

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Speaker 1: it's finally over, and then the next day, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: it's never gonna end, right, lots of ups and downs,

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Speaker 1: and people do, um experience it in a lot of

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Speaker 1: different ways and a lot of different time frames. Um.

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Speaker 1: So you you have the best knowledge of what you need.

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Speaker 1: And you know, grief is a it's a mysterious thing.

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Speaker 1: So it's hard to it's hard to look at yourself

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Speaker 1: and say, I think I'll be fine given this. It

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Speaker 1: is it is put that on a pillow and mel

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Speaker 1: it was please just saying, you know, Samantha and I

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Speaker 1: are very motivated, and I'm sure a lot of your

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Speaker 1: listeners are, but sometimes time is the only thing right, right.

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Speaker 1: But we do have some other things we would like

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Speaker 1: to talk about, but first we have a quick break

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Speaker 1: for a word from our sponsored and we're back, Thank

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00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,399
Speaker 1: you sponsor. So we did want to talk about gender

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Speaker 1: differences because there are some gender differences when it comes

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Speaker 1: to heartbreak. I bet a lot of you would guess

426
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 1: that women have it worse. Um, or at least they

427
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,879
Speaker 1: they're more open with it. I guess open. Maybe they

428
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:13,080
Speaker 1: have all the fields more fields. Yeah, and we all

429
00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:17,040
Speaker 1: know the stereotype of women. I've already said that this

430
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,400
Speaker 1: is a benefit of the break up in your pjs,

431
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:24,160
Speaker 1: down in jugs of ice cream, through the tears, um.

432
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 1: And there there is actually science about this, and a

433
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,880
Speaker 1: science is a little mixed. Yeah, people are complicated. People

434
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,280
Speaker 1: are complicated. I wonder how much of it is too, um,

435
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,080
Speaker 1: because if you look at religious aspects, a lot of

436
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,920
Speaker 1: the blame goes on women about something like relationships, marriage

437
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:44,359
Speaker 1: is falling apart, and the responsibilities they have within a

438
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:51,400
Speaker 1: marriage and keeping a marriage happy. Yeah yeah, I know that. Uh,

439
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,159
Speaker 1: that whole thing of like blaming women for men cheating

440
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,920
Speaker 1: because you clearly weren't keeping him satisfied, keep it together.

441
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:01,479
Speaker 1: You have to be fit like actual um books about

442
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 1: from written by women in order to get husbands. What

443
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:16,040
Speaker 1: is that called operation h t oh? Yeah. Actually, the

444
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 1: book Passion and Purity, written by Elizabeth Elliott a long

445
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,760
Speaker 1: long time ago, was a big, huge thing. I actually

446
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,639
Speaker 1: read it, really dug into it, really just put myself

447
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,880
Speaker 1: all up, been there and it's not awful. There's not

448
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 1: like it's not awful awful sentiments. Um well, actually yeah

449
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,560
Speaker 1: there is if we have It's been a while since

450
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,119
Speaker 1: I've read it. I guess the whole idea of that

451
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,000
Speaker 1: purity in itself, which if we talked about as of

452
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:41,679
Speaker 1: recent t I, um, the purity tests and the purity

453
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,960
Speaker 1: rings are kind of gross in itself. That's kind of

454
00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:48,000
Speaker 1: actually gross in itself. Um. Two, if you want to

455
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,000
Speaker 1: be a virgin. If you want to save yourself however

456
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,000
Speaker 1: you want to claim it, that's wonderful, that's beautiful, you

457
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,679
Speaker 1: do you. But to have this whole stipulation and this

458
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:59,359
Speaker 1: title is absurd in itself, but and especially placing it

459
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,640
Speaker 1: all young girl says that their responsibility, but the same

460
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,200
Speaker 1: author would go around and talk about how if you're

461
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,679
Speaker 1: not keeping your body fit, you're dishonoring your husband. It

462
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,240
Speaker 1: was this whole thing, and I was like, what the hell, Yeah,

463
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,840
Speaker 1: what the hell? Indeed? Right, And it's somewhat like that.

464
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:17,639
Speaker 1: I think that has a lot to do with And

465
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 1: I know, again we're I'm getting off track because we're

466
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,639
Speaker 1: talking about heartbreak. But that level of responsibility being placed

467
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 1: on women and females in general, to say this may

468
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,800
Speaker 1: have been your fault as to why he cheated, or

469
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 1: this may have been your fault as to why your

470
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:37,480
Speaker 1: marriage didn't last, it's just really absurd. Yeah, and we're

471
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,000
Speaker 1: so ready to take it on anyway, it's like we're

472
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:46,760
Speaker 1: probably gonna think yeah. Fourteen study from a UK dating

473
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:49,600
Speaker 1: site found that men actually reported higher rates of love

474
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,320
Speaker 1: sickness and sadness after a breakup, even given that it

475
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:56,080
Speaker 1: wasn't quote true love. Um, that was the main difference.

476
00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:59,440
Speaker 1: Men felt heartbreak in more situations as compared to women's

477
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,080
Speaker 1: severity was kind of the same. When interviewed about this

478
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:05,919
Speaker 1: this finding, a psychologist suggested it maybe because men overestimate

479
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,600
Speaker 1: women's interests and it therefore hurts more when women don't

480
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,679
Speaker 1: reciprocate their affections. And yeah, that's very heterosexual, although I

481
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:17,119
Speaker 1: guess bisexual, it could be. Yeah. The study also found

482
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:19,480
Speaker 1: that men are more likely to engage in casual sex

483
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,200
Speaker 1: post break up, while women are more likely to dive

484
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:26,440
Speaker 1: into work party too hard comfort eat. That sounds familiar.

485
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,680
Speaker 1: A different study found the exact opposite. It concluded that

486
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,040
Speaker 1: women feel the pain of breakups longer and that new

487
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:36,760
Speaker 1: relationships don't necessarily help. The study also found as the

488
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 1: number of breakups went up, women's overall mental health went

489
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 1: down in a way that men's didn't. However, it did

490
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,080
Speaker 1: find that single women's mental health was higher than men's

491
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:52,960
Speaker 1: mental health. Oh, I like that. Women also reported feeling

492
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,040
Speaker 1: more physical pain. The study authors who came to that

493
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 1: conclusion thought that this had to do with the fact

494
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,240
Speaker 1: that women do do the general fact that we good

495
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 1: pregnant invest more in relationships. This potential biological investment has

496
00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:08,120
Speaker 1: made women choose your over time, which means the loss

497
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,880
Speaker 1: of a quote high quality mate hurts more. The same

498
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 1: study found that women come out on the other side

499
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,680
Speaker 1: as emotionally stronger and recover better compared to ben Multiple

500
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,680
Speaker 1: studies have found that both men and women find self

501
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,919
Speaker 1: esteem within relationships, so it makes sense that after relationships

502
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 1: end it's a hit to our self esteem. We feel

503
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:31,800
Speaker 1: a loss of identity. However, this self esteem is arrived

504
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:35,280
Speaker 1: at differently. Women get it through connection, while men get

505
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:39,400
Speaker 1: it through social status. Generally, these in general terms, because

506
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:41,800
Speaker 1: of these basic differences that men and women do typically

507
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:45,400
Speaker 1: experience heartbreak differently. Men are more likely to get active

508
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:47,640
Speaker 1: in some way, while women are more likely to reach

509
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,760
Speaker 1: out to their support group. Because in a lot of societies,

510
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,880
Speaker 1: women are allowed to be more open when it comes

511
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,479
Speaker 1: to emotions, women may actually move on from breakups more

512
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 1: quickly than men. Um, and this is one of the

513
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:04,000
Speaker 1: many ways society influences how we grieve. Right but this

514
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:06,560
Speaker 1: made me think about what happens when you don't want

515
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 1: to be in relationship, and this comes up in in

516
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 1: my therapy not infrequently. Right um, because it does make

517
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,600
Speaker 1: me feel sometimes like I have no self worth since

518
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,920
Speaker 1: people are always sort of like, where is your your incomplete?

519
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,120
Speaker 1: You're missing something. UM. I feel like society sees me

520
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,760
Speaker 1: generally as a waste. UM. It's made me do things

521
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: I haven't wanted to do and try to fit into

522
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 1: molds I don't want to fit into. Yeah, I think

523
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,280
Speaker 1: I was the same way. I felt abnormal because I

524
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:38,200
Speaker 1: didn't get into too many relationships either. UM, as in,

525
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 1: do I have a mental block as to why I'm

526
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:43,160
Speaker 1: not looking as hard as others or why I don't

527
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 1: feel like I need to UM. I never actually dated

528
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,920
Speaker 1: in high school, and I actually didn't date in college either.

529
00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:50,200
Speaker 1: I think I went on the whole the three dates

530
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:54,959
Speaker 1: didn't have any relationships within UM. I think we had

531
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,880
Speaker 1: like piddly kid kiddish relationships. You know, he's my boyfriend.

532
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 1: We you know in the high school or whatever, but

533
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 1: never actually dated. UM. And it wasn't until my mid

534
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,480
Speaker 1: twenties that I actually started to look. And a lot

535
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:11,520
Speaker 1: of that had to do with being open and feeling

536
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 1: like I could be vulnerable, and because of some of

537
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 1: the trauma that I had experienced, it was not possible

538
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 1: for me of course I say I yearned to be wanted.

539
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 1: That is something that's always been UM at the forefront

540
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:27,200
Speaker 1: of my thoughts. But that's generally in everything, whether it's

541
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 1: my job, whether it's friendships, that someone wants me. There

542
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 1: essentially UM and my desirability and in my fear of

543
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:39,760
Speaker 1: rejection stopped me. UM. Now I'm very comfortable in being sinkle.

544
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,640
Speaker 1: I think I said that recently, Like that is something

545
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:44,200
Speaker 1: that I know, and it's easy and I'm cool with it.

546
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,160
Speaker 1: So to get into a relationship is like, do I

547
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:50,280
Speaker 1: really want to compromise here? It's really worth my time.

548
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:52,840
Speaker 1: A study from two thou eighteen out of the Journal

549
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:57,120
Speaker 1: of Experimental Psychology examined the effectiveness of three coping strategies,

550
00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:00,120
Speaker 1: thinking bad thoughts about your ex, accepting your love for

551
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,920
Speaker 1: your ex, or distracting yourself with things that have nothing

552
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,200
Speaker 1: to do with your ex, which I like that option.

553
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 1: They found that all three help in some way, but

554
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,200
Speaker 1: a mix of these methods provided the most relief. So

555
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,760
Speaker 1: maybe listening one thing you don't like about person, one

556
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:15,880
Speaker 1: thing you love, and then one thing that has nothing

557
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 1: to do with them. I think we should practice that

558
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:21,240
Speaker 1: more often. The study authors proposed that removing feelings of

559
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 1: love attached with an X is the primary way to

560
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:28,480
Speaker 1: move on. They call this love regulation, which I love

561
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:33,000
Speaker 1: I love love regulation the term UM and they also,

562
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 1: as always, recommend not making life changing decisions during a

563
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:42,600
Speaker 1: life changing time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, don't. It's it's

564
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,680
Speaker 1: so tempting because you're like, this world takes everything. Yeah,

565
00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:48,160
Speaker 1: there are moments where I'm like, okay, I'm moving out

566
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:52,640
Speaker 1: of the country. It's time to go to Antarctica. Finally

567
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 1: for me. Another study found that it takes about three

568
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,160
Speaker 1: months to get it over a break up. Oh, I

569
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 1: have taken so much longer. I give you a year. Yeah,

570
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,320
Speaker 1: I mean it depends on how long you've been with someone. Obviously,

571
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,160
Speaker 1: I'm sure that's like an average, like you'll always remember that.

572
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 1: But still I give you a full year before I'm like, okay,

573
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: because it my that year includes you and you shouldn't.

574
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:21,040
Speaker 1: But you probably dating around, maybe miscommunicating with people, breaking

575
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:24,600
Speaker 1: a few people hearts, not necessarily in that way, like

576
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:31,040
Speaker 1: doing noncommittal things with you know what, so hookups and such.

577
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:32,840
Speaker 1: But I'm like, sure, I'll give you that. I'll give

578
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,200
Speaker 1: you that. I'll let you know you're being a dumbass,

579
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:37,840
Speaker 1: but I'll give you that. I'm not gonna be mad

580
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:42,040
Speaker 1: at you for it. Yes. Uh. Then, of course there

581
00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,760
Speaker 1: are the comparisons between men and women in our media

582
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 1: when it comes to breakups, how women are so sad

583
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 1: without a man in their life, and how men can

584
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:54,280
Speaker 1: finally live it up, be free, have hook ups. Yeah.

585
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:56,440
Speaker 1: I always think of um, and I know we did

586
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:59,560
Speaker 1: an episode on this forever ago, but the coverage of

587
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:05,440
Speaker 1: Jadea for Anderson, like she's the saddest person that's ever existed. Yeah, okay,

588
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 1: And it was always like, well, it kind of did

589
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 1: start off with the Brad Pitt thing. Yeah, that whole

590
00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 1: he left you for Angelina Jolie, who was the ultimate

591
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 1: sex symbol because you're the girl next door, right, Yeah,

592
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 1: and just like you know, she would date somebody and

593
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,200
Speaker 1: then it would end and she's broken hearted by the

594
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,080
Speaker 1: person she was dating. It's like finally able to date

595
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:30,200
Speaker 1: all over again. And I'm like, okay, whatever. I think

596
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 1: Jan Franson's just okay, But I mean, if you really

597
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,200
Speaker 1: thinking on it too, in that level, Brad Pitt to

598
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:39,200
Speaker 1: me was even sadder because he would have you ever

599
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:42,440
Speaker 1: seen the pictures of him in different relationships with different couples,

600
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 1: how he mimicked that style of the girl. There's this

601
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:50,360
Speaker 1: whole those you're like, So to me, he was always

602
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:53,000
Speaker 1: sadder because he's like he has to have a relationship

603
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: in order to find his identity. Yeah, so yeah, you

604
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 1: need to go with that. I was hilarious. So you

605
00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:00,240
Speaker 1: see him with quin Couch and you're like what, And

606
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 1: then you see with Angela and Jolie and Brad Pitt.

607
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:08,480
Speaker 1: You're like a Brait, Angela, Jelly and then Jennifer or instant.

608
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:11,120
Speaker 1: But he looks very different and very much like that

609
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:14,840
Speaker 1: person in the pictures. There's a Parks in Rac episode

610
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 1: about that. Um. I know you've never seen Star Wars

611
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,319
Speaker 1: and this is not the one I would recommend. But

612
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 1: in episode two, Attack of the Clones, pad Me a

613
00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 1: k a. Natalie Portman has the infamous line and you're

614
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 1: breaking by heart the first thing I thought of. I

615
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,919
Speaker 1: love the enthusiasm in that line. Oh yeah, you gotta

616
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:39,839
Speaker 1: do delivered a um. And I mean, if you pick

617
00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:42,600
Speaker 1: just randomly three pieces of media, I bet one of

618
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:47,279
Speaker 1: them has to do with broken heart, and I in

619
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:51,160
Speaker 1: a way, I believe we romanticize heartbreaking. A lot of

620
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:53,880
Speaker 1: ways in our in our medium. When I was younger,

621
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:58,480
Speaker 1: I wanted to have a love that was so powerful

622
00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:01,200
Speaker 1: that the heartbreak would hurt as much as I was

623
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:07,200
Speaker 1: seeing on TV or in movies. Um and so I like,

624
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:11,680
Speaker 1: I had on my binder a poem that the w

625
00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:16,799
Speaker 1: H autumn poem Funeral Blues. I was really into the

626
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:21,879
Speaker 1: beauty and greef. It's also very email. Were we all, well,

627
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,880
Speaker 1: he and I were, And then I kind of I

628
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 1: was thinking about a bit more and maybe we what

629
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,320
Speaker 1: we romanticize is self destruction, or maybe it's a combination

630
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:33,439
Speaker 1: of two things. Of this love that we always see

631
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,359
Speaker 1: and then the self destructive. We love broken things though.

632
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,480
Speaker 1: That's kind of why we like shows that have broken

633
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:42,360
Speaker 1: people in it. So you think of, um, my so

634
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,080
Speaker 1: called life is all about broken people like you just

635
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:48,560
Speaker 1: love that and you want to fix Jared leto real hard,

636
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:51,640
Speaker 1: real hard. And the people who seem to get it together,

637
00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 1: keep it together and be happy were the antagonists or

638
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:59,239
Speaker 1: the bad guys, and the essentially so the nerd. It

639
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:01,320
Speaker 1: was kind of like saw like he was too smart

640
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,239
Speaker 1: and got it together. And then the girl who had

641
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:06,719
Speaker 1: the family and was a cheerleader was also not the

642
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:09,520
Speaker 1: great one. When you had all these other things that

643
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,480
Speaker 1: were happening, they were more interesting. Whether it was a

644
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,960
Speaker 1: drug overdoce or whether it's you know, and it's it's

645
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:18,160
Speaker 1: definitely and I say broken people, but it's outcast as well.

646
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:21,600
Speaker 1: And that's that level of we're very interested in we

647
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,960
Speaker 1: feel that and we feel oh good, we're not alone hurting.

648
00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 1: That's true. Oh and speaking of do you have a

649
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:32,000
Speaker 1: favorite heartbreak breakup songs? So I have a few. So

650
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:36,000
Speaker 1: I had several Elliott Smith's songs. Of course I wanted

651
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 1: to go down that road. Death Cab definitely had a

652
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,000
Speaker 1: few of those songs up to me. I think they

653
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: had one of the best, um I hate my father

654
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:48,640
Speaker 1: songs um. And it's somewhat of beat and you're like,

655
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 1: like one of the one of the lyrics talking about

656
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,919
Speaker 1: how his father died and the priests is uh talking

657
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,400
Speaker 1: all these great things about him. He's like, you're a

658
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,359
Speaker 1: bastard in life, you saw you're a bastard and death.

659
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:00,879
Speaker 1: It's a great line. And then I'll like them trying

660
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:02,920
Speaker 1: to send his ashes out and it falls back into

661
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:05,520
Speaker 1: his eyes. He was like, yeah, that's right. Thinks that

662
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:09,439
Speaker 1: like that level of course, I'm at living things, um,

663
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:13,080
Speaker 1: but even some old school drake got into my playlist

664
00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:16,280
Speaker 1: at one point. Um, and of course the Jimmy world.

665
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 1: There are several several songs that I would just angrily

666
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,640
Speaker 1: singing and then then if you are like that was

667
00:37:22,719 --> 00:37:26,040
Speaker 1: kind of several. That was one of my first concerts,

668
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:31,400
Speaker 1: what about you. I think I have a ton of

669
00:37:32,239 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 1: sad sad songs, but I don't really have too many

670
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:39,040
Speaker 1: that I would go to after a breakup. But I

671
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,480
Speaker 1: have songs that if I listen to them, I will cry,

672
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:47,520
Speaker 1: um because that music is really moving in that way. Yeah. Yeah,

673
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:49,960
Speaker 1: music is powerful and I think that's why people connect

674
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:57,720
Speaker 1: so hard um with sad songs. Yeah. Yeah, if anyone

675
00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:00,600
Speaker 1: wants my playlist, I have a playlist grief and I

676
00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:03,160
Speaker 1: will share it if anyone wants it. But they'll make

677
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:07,879
Speaker 1: you cry. Yeah, and you know what if you don't

678
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,880
Speaker 1: want that, we have some advice on how to like

679
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:15,520
Speaker 1: not cry, not necessarily maybe that's not true. We have

680
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 1: some advice for you, but first we have a quick

681
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:36,759
Speaker 1: make and we're back, thank you sponsoring. So we do

682
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,440
Speaker 1: have some advice. Even though a lot of you have

683
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:41,560
Speaker 1: probably heard this, we've all probably heard a lot of

684
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:44,600
Speaker 1: the basic one, and find a hobby is a big one.

685
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:48,840
Speaker 1: You've sort of talked about that. Exercising, eating well, um,

686
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:52,280
Speaker 1: sleeping as best you can, talking out with friends, reading

687
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:56,720
Speaker 1: a book, volunteering, taking tiny steps to make yourself feel

688
00:38:57,080 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 1: normal again. And this is a big one. A lot

689
00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 1: of that. Spurts recommend on following your ex on social

690
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 1: media and and removing reminders of them from your life.

691
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,360
Speaker 1: Stop all contact if possible. I'm gonna. I actually just

692
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:13,479
Speaker 1: looked up my ex and stuff the other day because

693
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:16,680
Speaker 1: I was in the conversation and we're talking about past whatever,

694
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:19,440
Speaker 1: and I was like, I wonder what he's doing. Not

695
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:25,520
Speaker 1: a good idea, No, actually, I was kind of like, huh, surprise, interesting, interesting,

696
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:27,880
Speaker 1: And I think I'm gonna especially if you're in a

697
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:30,799
Speaker 1: really bad place and then you start comparing your life

698
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:34,040
Speaker 1: to theirs. Oh no, don't do that, don't do it. Yeah.

699
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,279
Speaker 1: I still meet up with my ex, and I regularly

700
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:40,680
Speaker 1: thought to me, to me, like my exes or my

701
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:44,239
Speaker 1: past they go into the land of nowhere and to

702
00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 1: me just disappear, They disappear and never hear like I'm

703
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 1: of course, I just talked about stalking, but I would

704
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:52,960
Speaker 1: never ever ever want to run into them. I never

705
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,719
Speaker 1: wanted to see them. I'm like, they shouldn't exist. So

706
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,719
Speaker 1: coming back to my like your friends with them, that's here. Yeah,

707
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:02,279
Speaker 1: I'm the opposite is healthy, right, I'm yeah, I never

708
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,400
Speaker 1: look at the Well now it's not that I never do.

709
00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:06,440
Speaker 1: I'm just not on social media that much much anyway,

710
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:09,480
Speaker 1: So I just don't run into that problem, not often.

711
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:12,520
Speaker 1: But I do see him in real life. I r

712
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 1: l um, and sometimes it does make me sad, Like,

713
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 1: you know, we used to be so close, and I

714
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:22,839
Speaker 1: feels sort of awkward. Um, but you think about like

715
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:26,719
Speaker 1: you kind of loose friendships to Yeah, sure you know

716
00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:31,359
Speaker 1: you got your gone them. Yeah, it's just just how

717
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:38,439
Speaker 1: life is. Um. One big one is doing some introspection. UM,

718
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:41,200
Speaker 1: ask yourself what it was that you liked about that

719
00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 1: person and if you can find those qualities and someone else.

720
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,960
Speaker 1: This is easier to do a bit later in the

721
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:51,919
Speaker 1: grieving process. Um. But you know, you you have those

722
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: moments of I hate that person, I hate everything about them,

723
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:58,400
Speaker 1: but there was something, hopefully that you were attracted to,

724
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,080
Speaker 1: and maybe that's an unhealthy thing, right, Maybe it's a

725
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,359
Speaker 1: healthy thing, but maybe it's unhealthy, but finding out what

726
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:08,600
Speaker 1: it was. It's always you know, it's always a learning experience, right,

727
00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:14,160
Speaker 1: you can you can move on and bigger and better things. Um, okay.

728
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:17,640
Speaker 1: And then writing about it, making art about it, using

729
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:20,200
Speaker 1: it to create Yeah, I write a lot more when

730
00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:23,360
Speaker 1: I'm sad. I will say that to allow yourself to feel,

731
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:25,799
Speaker 1: be honest with yourself. And if that's you need to

732
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,160
Speaker 1: cry a little bit, or you have to sit and

733
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:30,840
Speaker 1: watch the same movies repeatedly, that's fine. If you just

734
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 1: want to sit in the dark for a couple of days,

735
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:35,920
Speaker 1: that's okay too. But eventually, yes, you do need to

736
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:39,480
Speaker 1: shake it off. That's when the Taylor swift comes out.

737
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:44,640
Speaker 1: And always good to communicate with the support group in

738
00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:47,160
Speaker 1: your life what's going on so that they can help

739
00:41:47,239 --> 00:41:51,279
Speaker 1: you and provide that support. And of course the unpopular

740
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:57,160
Speaker 1: but true time time heels most wounds. It makes, it

741
00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:02,720
Speaker 1: makes things easier, hopefully hopefully event Chili um that positive note.

742
00:42:03,239 --> 00:42:06,640
Speaker 1: That's what we have to say about heartbreak today. But

743
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:10,839
Speaker 1: I am really excited to share some listener mail that

744
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:16,319
Speaker 1: we received. Yes, Kate wrote, although the most wonderful time

745
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 1: of the year is over Halloween, as a fellow horror fan.

746
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:22,560
Speaker 1: I thought I would send you some recommendations just in

747
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:26,840
Speaker 1: case you need more. Always send recommendations. UM One Cut

748
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,080
Speaker 1: of the Dead. It is on shutter UK, not sure

749
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,120
Speaker 1: if it is on the US version. It is a

750
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 1: zombie comedy. The first half hour maybe a little confusing,

751
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 1: but stick with it is great to watch with a crowd. Also,

752
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,719
Speaker 1: if you like zombie movies and haven't already seen it,

753
00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:42,680
Speaker 1: Trained Busan is great one of my favorites. Yeah, that's

754
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,840
Speaker 1: a good one. I sobbed at the end. Terrified again

755
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:49,200
Speaker 1: and on shutter UK. A Spanish language movie that I

756
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:52,239
Speaker 1: found unsettling, to say the least. Knives and Skin. I

757
00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:55,480
Speaker 1: saw this at fright Fest this year, UK horror film festival.

758
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,680
Speaker 1: Isn't strictly horror, but has twin peak vibes and has

759
00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:03,280
Speaker 1: been described as a feminine noir. Yeah. I really loved it.

760
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,920
Speaker 1: Looks like it's not available until December. I know you

761
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,640
Speaker 1: like the superhero genre. In case you also like manga,

762
00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:11,719
Speaker 1: I highly recommend the TV series Attack on Titan, a

763
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:14,600
Speaker 1: horror fantasy show. I often think about whether the horror

764
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:18,839
Speaker 1: genre is a feminist genre. Women are always telling men

765
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,640
Speaker 1: there's something out there there's something wrong, and the men

766
00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:25,759
Speaker 1: are consistently gaslighting them, ignoring their concerns. Before too long,

767
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:29,280
Speaker 1: everyone's dead apart from one final girl. Maybe the true

768
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,239
Speaker 1: horror is the patriarchy. Horror movies would be over in

769
00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 1: five minutes if people listen to women. Hello. Yeah, You

770
00:43:35,719 --> 00:43:37,560
Speaker 1: start thinking about all of the things that could have

771
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:41,400
Speaker 1: been solved why, and then you have to be oh,

772
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:43,960
Speaker 1: because the movie would not be a movie, right. We

773
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 1: would have no horror movies. What I find interesting is

774
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,719
Speaker 1: that it is mostly men making horror movies, but yet

775
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:51,800
Speaker 1: they don't seem to learn from what I think is

776
00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:55,160
Speaker 1: the key message of the movie, Listen to Women. There

777
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:57,839
Speaker 1: are some good podcasts on horror. You are interested, just

778
00:43:57,880 --> 00:44:00,719
Speaker 1: suggesting a couple She Kills, which ears horror through a

779
00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:03,719
Speaker 1: female lends, and The Evolution of Horror, which explores all

780
00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,400
Speaker 1: the different horror genres and how they developed as you

781
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:08,680
Speaker 1: grew up with the screen franchise. You might be interested

782
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 1: in this eight minute documentary called Copycat, which suggests it

783
00:44:11,760 --> 00:44:15,359
Speaker 1: may not be as original as everyone thinks. Oh. I

784
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 1: love all of this. I love the suggestions. Um please

785
00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:20,840
Speaker 1: keep this coming. And another listener wrote in with some

786
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:25,040
Speaker 1: different suggestions. Kim wrote after listening to feminist movie Friday

787
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:27,759
Speaker 1: Alien addition, I am mailing in I'm a thirty four

788
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,240
Speaker 1: year old woman who enjoys lots and lots of horror movies,

789
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:34,200
Speaker 1: feminist horror movie plot lines to think about Last House

790
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:37,200
Speaker 1: on the Left. This is so graphic trigger warning for rape,

791
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:41,480
Speaker 1: et cetera. Parents Getting Revenge, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Final Girl

792
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:46,880
Speaker 1: survives because she doesn't do stupid stuff. Midsummer Hereditary, The Descent, Everything,

793
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:51,799
Speaker 1: the which female liberation lived deliciously. I spent on your

794
00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:57,680
Speaker 1: grave revenge graphic, questionable Halloween. Sorry, Laurie does everything to

795
00:44:57,719 --> 00:45:00,080
Speaker 1: survive and kill her nutty brother, which makes her badass.

796
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:03,120
Speaker 1: Who cares if she's a virgin Jennifer's body for that matter,

797
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:06,200
Speaker 1: anything Diabo Cody Ever wrote for Film Night of the

798
00:45:06,239 --> 00:45:09,560
Speaker 1: comment zombie fighting Valley Girls, It's can't be but great

799
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:14,360
Speaker 1: The Craft Marianne, which is new on Netflix. Also, you

800
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:17,280
Speaker 1: mentioned Ripley being the start of strong female characters like Buffy,

801
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:19,319
Speaker 1: but I couldn't help but think of Linda Hamilton as

802
00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:21,680
Speaker 1: Sarah Connor. She was one of the baddest of the

803
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 1: badasses post Alien. Thanks for covering anything hard. I feel

804
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,799
Speaker 1: like we ladies don't get fair representation, will weighing in

805
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:31,080
Speaker 1: on reviews or being part of this community. You're welcome

806
00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:34,800
Speaker 1: and I will happily do so always. Cam later followed

807
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:38,320
Speaker 1: up with more suggestions after Our Monster, Our Female Monster episode,

808
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: uh misery, Caffy bates the audition certainly harbor perhaps also

809
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:49,439
Speaker 1: just considered Asian extreme high tension, which is French hand

810
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:53,680
Speaker 1: that rocks the cradle. Um single white female swim fan

811
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:57,759
Speaker 1: the crush. That's yeah, big genre, evil dead. All the

812
00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:59,799
Speaker 1: women are possessed by demons and made to do evil

813
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:03,280
Speaker 1: g things. This was a choice by Raymie Say Raymie

814
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,920
Speaker 1: Sharp Objects. Also the short from Tales from the dark

815
00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:10,160
Speaker 1: Side movie Um also this movie sucked, but it's worth

816
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:15,279
Speaker 1: mentioning Knock the Neon demon Starry Eyes. A woman moves

817
00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:17,040
Speaker 1: to l a trying to get her big break. She

818
00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:19,840
Speaker 1: was willing to do anything. She spirals and kills all

819
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:21,960
Speaker 1: of her terrible roommates and then turns into an alien

820
00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:25,799
Speaker 1: after totally riding and falling apart. I can't remember this

821
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:29,440
Speaker 1: title helped me. I have seen that movie. I'll get

822
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:31,799
Speaker 1: back to you about that. What I remember what it is?

823
00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 1: Um Eyes without a Face, which is a black and

824
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:38,120
Speaker 1: white French monster movie. I can see this influence later

825
00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:41,840
Speaker 1: in other horror movies. So if you wanted some suggestions

826
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:45,680
Speaker 1: for horror, these listeners got your cover right. Thank you

827
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:49,160
Speaker 1: so much. I've only seen like two of those the

828
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:53,279
Speaker 1: bottom list. I've seen those. I've seen a lot of them. Yeah, um, yeah,

829
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 1: I know. Well you've got some fun homework today. And

830
00:46:56,200 --> 00:46:58,080
Speaker 1: then you and I because she mentioned and they both

831
00:46:58,120 --> 00:47:00,719
Speaker 1: mentioned a lot about like mothers m You know, I

832
00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:05,319
Speaker 1: talked about that previously. Some shoutouts to different podcasts that

833
00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:08,879
Speaker 1: we want to highlight because they're amazing and led by

834
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:13,600
Speaker 1: women or females. Um, the scam Wow, which is super fun,

835
00:47:13,920 --> 00:47:16,840
Speaker 1: Sue and Cat. Sue and Katie talk about different scams

836
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:19,280
Speaker 1: including and I didn't listen to the one the wedding

837
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:22,560
Speaker 1: industry and poop TI and I was like, oh, I

838
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:25,799
Speaker 1: like that. Um. And then there's also to go with

839
00:47:25,840 --> 00:47:29,400
Speaker 1: our heartbreak. This is why I'm single. With Amy and

840
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:32,640
Speaker 1: Amy and sometimes Chuck. They talk about the good, the bad,

841
00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 1: and the worst relationships and all the way from divorces

842
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:39,000
Speaker 1: even to boobs. You know, I love anything that talked

843
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:43,360
Speaker 1: about any of those things. Well, there you go listeners,

844
00:47:43,400 --> 00:47:46,120
Speaker 1: and if you have any suggestions for things we should

845
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:48,959
Speaker 1: shout out horror movies, we should be watching our next

846
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:50,840
Speaker 1: feminist movie Friday. I know there's been some talk of

847
00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:55,880
Speaker 1: the craft. Please right in. You can do so at

848
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Speaker 1: our email address, which is Stuff Medium, mom Stuff at

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Speaker 1: iHeart media dot com. You can also find us on

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Speaker 1: Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or on Instagram at Stuff

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Speaker 1: I've Never Told You. Thanks as always to our super

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Speaker 1: producer Andrew Howard, Thank you, and thanks to you for

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Speaker 1: listening Stuff I've Never Told You the protection of I

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Speaker 1: Heartradius house Stuff works. For more podcasts from my Heart Radio,

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Speaker 1: visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever

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Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows