Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in
Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.
Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down
Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. There is really no easy
Speaker 1: way to say this. Dating in your twenties is hard,
Speaker 1: especially right now. It feels like a bit of a
Speaker 1: minefield of people who won't commit, people who seem way
Speaker 1: too good to be true, and it turns out that
Speaker 1: they actually are incompatibility, getting ghosted, dates canceled last minute,
Speaker 1: just to name a few experiences that I'm sure a
Speaker 1: lot of us have currently been enduring. When this has
Speaker 1: kind of been going on for a while, and these
Speaker 1: experiences definitely dominate our dating story or our dating narrative,
Speaker 1: we can become very detached and very defeated and very passive,
Speaker 1: and to put it simply, I think we lose our
Speaker 1: power and our agency in dating. We're no longer as
Speaker 1: picky as we would like to be. We don't call
Speaker 1: out disrespect or bad behavior. The whole activity becomes a
Speaker 1: lot more anxiety inducing than it is fun. And I
Speaker 1: think we get into this really negative headspace of expecting
Speaker 1: people to disappoint us and then not being surprised when
Speaker 1: they actually do. I think the biggest way to counteract
Speaker 1: this mindset and this defeatist reality when it comes to
Speaker 1: dating is to really come back to ourselves and focus inwards,
Speaker 1: not just for the sake of our love life, but
Speaker 1: for the sake of actually loving our own life. And
Speaker 1: I was speaking about this on Marchra recently. Mantra, for
Speaker 1: those of you who don't know, is my other podcast.
Speaker 1: It's a lot more spiritual. We talk about a specific affirmation,
Speaker 1: grounding saying or Marchra every single week. Recently, I did
Speaker 1: an episode on I Nurture Relationships That Enrich My Life,
Speaker 1: and I talked about how something I wish I had
Speaker 1: learned sooner was that dating is meant to be a
Speaker 1: enjoyable and it's meant to be a selfish activity. Truly,
Speaker 1: dating is actually meant to be rather selfish. We are
Speaker 1: taught to always be ready to compromise and to be
Speaker 1: flexible and to be good and to meet everyone's needs.
Speaker 1: And that's great, fair enough, but I don't think that
Speaker 1: shouldn't be the case when it comes to trying to
Speaker 1: find your life partner. Very few decisions are as important,
Speaker 1: and I think compromise now in the early stages of
Speaker 1: dating is misery and frustration. Later on, I wish I'd
Speaker 1: known that at twenty one. I wish I'd known that,
Speaker 1: maybe even at twenty three. But when we really do
Speaker 1: start to focus on what do I want, how do
Speaker 1: I want to be treated, what is my vision for
Speaker 1: love and what would it take for that to be meant,
Speaker 1: we experience such a huge and powerful shift that not
Speaker 1: only makes dating fun, it makes it intentional, and I
Speaker 1: think it makes it fruitful as well. So today I
Speaker 1: want to give you my formula for reclaiming your power
Speaker 1: in dating and also talk about why it is that
Speaker 1: we do lose our agency, why repeated rejection and relationship
Speaker 1: trauma and a scarcity mindset are some of the reasons
Speaker 1: dating feels so personally hard. And I want to talk
Speaker 1: about some of the dating dilemmas that you guys have
Speaker 1: been facing as well as people in their twenties. Some
Speaker 1: of you reached out with some pretty epic stories, some
Speaker 1: pretty frustrating stories to read from my perspective, So I
Speaker 1: want to talk about exactly how you can bring back
Speaker 1: your own control, how you can be in control of
Speaker 1: those situations. So, without further ado, my lovely, lovely listeners,
Speaker 1: let's get into my guide to reclaiming your power in
Speaker 1: dating in your twenties and beyond. I want to start
Speaker 1: out by talking about a time in my own life
Speaker 1: when I completely abandoned myself to who I was, essentially
Speaker 1: because I thought that their approval and if they liked
Speaker 1: me and if I was good enough for them, that
Speaker 1: could turn into love, and that could make me happy
Speaker 1: and spoil the alert. In reality, it actually took me
Speaker 1: to a very low point, and I'm sure a lot
Speaker 1: of you could probably tell me a similar story. So
Speaker 1: back in twenty twenty one, I was dating like my
Speaker 1: first really serious boyfriend, and longtime listeners will know that
Speaker 1: that breakup is really what created the psychology of your twenties.
Speaker 1: But you know, he was great, he was a nice guy.
Speaker 1: It just didn't work. We broke up and he moved
Speaker 1: on really really quickly, like very quickly. And it was
Speaker 1: this whole story where I was still somewhat under the
Speaker 1: illusion slash delusion that we were going to get back together,
Speaker 1: and one of my friends had to be like, hey,
Speaker 1: he actually has a new girlfriend. I think it just
Speaker 1: put me into the real painful part of relationship grief
Speaker 1: very very quickly. I was like, oh, I thought that
Speaker 1: maybe I would have time, that maybe we could still
Speaker 1: have this shared experience of grieving and missing each other.
Speaker 1: And suddenly he's moved on. He's on the next he's
Speaker 1: on to the next person, like he's he's all good
Speaker 1: and fine and dandy. I think that created a bit
Speaker 1: of a chain reaction in me where I looked at
Speaker 1: my own life and I was like, how come it
Speaker 1: was so hard for me to find someone else. I
Speaker 1: was very very lonely. I'd been with this person for
Speaker 1: a while. It was still in Australia COVID lockdowns, so
Speaker 1: you know, I didn't get to do all the fun
Speaker 1: things that you would normally do post breakup. I didn't
Speaker 1: get to go out and party with my friends. I
Speaker 1: didn't get to go out on these dates. I didn't
Speaker 1: get to, you know, just be alive and present and
Speaker 1: out and about, and so I was feeling very very rejected.
Speaker 1: I was feeling very poorly about myself. I think my
Speaker 1: self worth was definitely not an asset that I had
Speaker 1: at that time. And it was during this period where
Speaker 1: I thought, Okay, maybe I should start dating again. Insane.
Speaker 1: It was an insane decision because I was four months
Speaker 1: out of a heartbreak, probably like my most significant one
Speaker 1: to date. I really had a support network, but it
Speaker 1: wasn't readily available to me. We had this like little
Speaker 1: break from lockdown where you know, everything kind of went
Speaker 1: back to normal for a couple of months, and I
Speaker 1: went dating. It was almost like a sport for me.
Speaker 1: I was going on sometimes two dates a day, meeting
Speaker 1: all these people, and the thing was, none of them
Speaker 1: were particularly nice to me. And yet I don't think
Speaker 1: there was a single date that I went on where
Speaker 1: I thought, oh, he's not interested. I should leave this.
Speaker 1: Every single one I was like, potential, potential, potential, potential.
Speaker 1: I basically, I'm going to say it as it is.
Speaker 1: I'd lost my power and I met someone during that time,
Speaker 1: which really any semblance of agency and control and autonomy
Speaker 1: I had in this process, any slither that I had
Speaker 1: left that was finally taken away from me because basically,
Speaker 1: I fell in love with someone very quickly who had
Speaker 1: absolutely no interest in loving me back, and everything about
Speaker 1: everything about our relationship became dictated by what he wanted.
Speaker 1: We would only hang out at his house. We would
Speaker 1: only do the dates that he wanted. We only had
Speaker 1: the label that he wanted to give the relationship, which
Speaker 1: was not the label that I wanted. And it was very,
Speaker 1: very painful, and I basically sat in that relationship that
Speaker 1: wasn't quite a relationship for six months and it was
Speaker 1: like I was looking at myself from a high up place,
Speaker 1: just losing who I was. I was just in this relationship.
Speaker 1: And I used to be such a forthright advocate for myself.
Speaker 1: You know, if someone didn't treat me right, I was
Speaker 1: gonna call it out, And in this situation, I just
Speaker 1: absolutely did not. I just sat there and I just
Speaker 1: let him say, you know sometimes really mean things about me,
Speaker 1: and I let him just be do. I just let
Speaker 1: him take control and get whatever he wanted out of
Speaker 1: the relationship, whilst I was very clearly sitting there miserable,
Speaker 1: not getting what I wanted out of the relationship. And
Speaker 1: you best believe I was not going to advocate for
Speaker 1: myself because all I wanted in that moment was love. Really,
Speaker 1: I was not in the place to be dating, and
Speaker 1: I was so fragile and I was so insecure. All
Speaker 1: I wanted was someone to just like hold me and
Speaker 1: say I was special, or at least kind of treat
Speaker 1: me like I was special a couple of days a week.
Speaker 1: Needless to say, this relation relationship, if you can call it,
Speaker 1: call it a relationship, did not work out. It most
Speaker 1: certainly did not work out, and we kind of ended things.
Speaker 1: And if I thought that I had been in a
Speaker 1: low place before, the six months post that relationship was
Speaker 1: so painful and almost like in so I think about
Speaker 1: it and I feel so bad for that girl because
Speaker 1: I've spoken about it on the show before, but I
Speaker 1: couldn't even like speak to someone. I just moved to
Speaker 1: Sydney at the time as well, and obviously I had
Speaker 1: to try and meet all these new people. I just
Speaker 1: didn't feel special at all. I was like, why would
Speaker 1: anyone want to be my friend? Why would anyone want
Speaker 1: to talk to me right now? I'm just wasting their time,
Speaker 1: I'm boring them. I have these distinct memories of being
Speaker 1: at parties that my friends had invited me to, like
Speaker 1: the two friends that I had in Sydney at the time,
Speaker 1: and just not being able to hold a conversation with
Speaker 1: someone and just being like, oh my god, they're bored,
Speaker 1: they're bored, they don't want to talk to me anymore,
Speaker 1: and then leaving the compversation and self sabotaging, and I
Speaker 1: just really felt absolutely terrible about myself. And it all
Speaker 1: stemmed back to the fact that I had let myself
Speaker 1: be I don't want to say taken advantage of I'd
Speaker 1: let myself be treated badly. Now I say that, and
Speaker 1: I don't want people to take that out of context
Speaker 1: and think that I am saying that anyone who's been
Speaker 1: through a terrible relationship or even an abusive relationship is
Speaker 1: responsible for their treatment. Really not the case, like, really
Speaker 1: not the case. But I can say in terms of
Speaker 1: my experience that I knew very clearly and I could
Speaker 1: feel it bubbling up that I was not being treated right,
Speaker 1: that I had lost my agency, that I was not happy,
Speaker 1: that I was not confident, and I continued to almost
Speaker 1: subject myself to that environment and to that emotional environment
Speaker 1: and situation because I did not feel like I deserved more,
Speaker 1: And the idea of having to go back out there
Speaker 1: and be single when I had no power as a
Speaker 1: person who was dating just felt absolutely terrible. Obviously, I
Speaker 1: made it through. I made it through, and now I'm
Speaker 1: with someone really, really amazing. Obviously, I've skipped an important
Speaker 1: chapter here, and that's the chapter that we're talking about today.
Speaker 1: You know, how did I go from having that terrible
Speaker 1: relationship which genuinely broke me and which I still sometimes
Speaker 1: sit and think about and think, whooh out to where
Speaker 1: I am now? I've been with my partner for two
Speaker 1: years and he is wonderful and he is spectacular, and
Speaker 1: he treats me so well, and he is just like genuinely,
Speaker 1: it's like we are two complete people coming together making
Speaker 1: each other more whole. Gemma, you know, five years ago
Speaker 1: would not have imagined that could have occurred. And it's
Speaker 1: because when it came to dating, I became in selfish,
Speaker 1: I became independent. I became so focused on what I
Speaker 1: needed and what I wanted because I really realized after
Speaker 1: those experiences, no one else was going to advocate for me.
Speaker 1: You know, everyone else in the dating scheme, in the
Speaker 1: dating sphere was putting themselves first. So it was my
Speaker 1: turn to put myself first, and it was my turn
Speaker 1: to be bossy about what I wanted. And honestly, it's
Speaker 1: funny because I think I almost went a little bit
Speaker 1: too far my current boyfriend. I almost didn't go on
Speaker 1: a date with him. It's like a funny story retell now,
Speaker 1: whereby he hadn't confirmed plans the day of, and I
Speaker 1: was texting my friends being like, no, a real man
Speaker 1: wouldn't treat me this way. My soulmate wouldn't treat me
Speaker 1: this way. I'm not going to go on this date.
Speaker 1: But I gave him a second chance. I'm so glad
Speaker 1: that I did, and here we are now. So my
Speaker 1: experience aside, what is it that makes us lose our
Speaker 1: power in dating? I think the first reason why you
Speaker 1: may end up in a similar situation to me kind
Speaker 1: of dating losers, with people that don't treat you right,
Speaker 1: is because of repeated rejection. Being rejected by someone you
Speaker 1: like or admire. It stings on a very deep interpersonal level.
Speaker 1: A great deal of human emotion is going to come
Speaker 1: from rejection, and is going to emerge in the face
Speaker 1: of real, anticipated, imagined, even remembered rejection by other people.
Speaker 1: We are socially primed to experience rejection as a painful experience,
Speaker 1: almost physically painful, and then as a result of that
Speaker 1: turn inwards looking for answers as to why we were
Speaker 1: the ones who were wrong, We were the ones who
Speaker 1: were different, We were the one who couldn't make this
Speaker 1: person happy or couldn't fit in. A consequence of that
Speaker 1: is that we believe that we must be the ones
Speaker 1: who have to change or who have to adapt in
Speaker 1: order to be accepted. So there was a two thousand
Speaker 1: study that found that the more rejection you experience, the
Speaker 1: more you actually do begin to cope through avoidant strategies.
Speaker 1: So this was actually a study done on academics, university
Speaker 1: academics who were told that their papers and manuscripts had
Speaker 1: either been rejected or not, and they found in the
Speaker 1: experimental condition where certain participants were having papers rejected left, right,
Speaker 1: and center, the more rejections they received fake rejections, the
Speaker 1: more they withdrew, the more they became quite hostile, but
Speaker 1: in general, the more they actually began to doubt themselves. Now,
Speaker 1: obviously this was an experiment. These rejections actually had nothing
Speaker 1: to do with the quality of their work, but they
Speaker 1: ended up really believing that just because this random person
Speaker 1: told them that their paper was terrible or that they
Speaker 1: didn't deserve some kind of accolade, it must be true.
Speaker 1: And very few of them said, Oh, I don't actually
Speaker 1: think you're right. I think your criticisms of me are wrong.
Speaker 1: It's so bizarre how we as humans are so quick
Speaker 1: to trust other people's approval or judgments of us, but
Speaker 1: we are so ready to dismiss or not even think
Speaker 1: about our own, not even think about what we think,
Speaker 1: and rejection will do that to you. Another piece of
Speaker 1: research from the University of New South Wales here in
Speaker 1: Australia also found that, you know, repeated rejection is one thing.
Speaker 1: Sometimes for some of us, all it takes is one
Speaker 1: really profound, emotionally salient rejection to change you. So, according
Speaker 1: to this doctor who ran the study, doctor Zimmermann, if
Speaker 1: we experience a really unexpected romantic rejection early in life,
Speaker 1: this can actually be a catalyst of events for a
Speaker 1: lot of trust issues. And it's very hard to understand
Speaker 1: why it's happened, But it's because this experience of really
Speaker 1: committing to someone and wanting them to like you and
Speaker 1: then feeling rejected is so painful that your brain almost
Speaker 1: promises to itself for that to never happen again. Now,
Speaker 1: if your self worth has been depleted by a number
Speaker 1: of dates not working out, a few instances are being
Speaker 1: ghosted or turned down, or just even a significant one off.
Speaker 1: You may firstly try to avoid those feelings, but then
Speaker 1: you'll begin to change your attitudes and your actions. And
Speaker 1: one way that we do that in one way that
Speaker 1: we respond to romantic rejection is that we lower our
Speaker 1: standards and we settle. We do this because we have
Speaker 1: likely developed an actual fear of rejection at this point,
Speaker 1: so we want to prevent it from happening again. And
Speaker 1: the way that we can prevent it from happening again
Speaker 1: is either a completely withdrawing or be shaping ourselves to
Speaker 1: constantly be what someone else wants, because that will ensure
Speaker 1: that no one will ever make us feel the way
Speaker 1: that we've already been made to feel. The second reason
Speaker 1: we may have lost our power in dating is because
Speaker 1: of a really unfortunate and painful experience of relationship trauma.
Speaker 1: This is going to come in a lot of forms,
Speaker 1: but some examples of relationship trauma include being cheated on,
Speaker 1: even repeated instances of micro cheating, being in quite an
Speaker 1: emotionally volatile relationship where you never knew where you stood,
Speaker 1: being betrayed, a traumatic breakup, just some examples. Something that
Speaker 1: many of us don't know is that relationship trauma in
Speaker 1: our late teens in our early twenties does actually have
Speaker 1: the ability to reshape our attachment style. We often tend
Speaker 1: to think that our attachment style is somewhat locked in
Speaker 1: after childhood and that the only thing that influences attachment
Speaker 1: style is our parental relationships and our attachment to them.
Speaker 1: That is not true. A twenty seventeen paper titled adult attachment, stress,
Speaker 1: and Romantic Relationships. I actually discovered this piece of research
Speaker 1: when I was researching my book, but it found that
Speaker 1: there are three types of negative events in adulthood that
Speaker 1: can actually rewire your attachment style. So there's negative external
Speaker 1: events this has nothing to do with your relationship but
Speaker 1: still makes you feel unsteady, So may have been the
Speaker 1: death of a loved one or the death of a partner,
Speaker 1: or an injury or a really traumatic, dangerous situation you
Speaker 1: went through with someone. Then we have negative relational events,
Speaker 1: so conflict, separation, abandonment, breakup, and then cognitive or emotional events.
Speaker 1: So this may be that your attachment style has been
Speaker 1: rewired because you, as a person have started experiencing heightened
Speaker 1: levels of anxiety due to some biological change. Due to
Speaker 1: some cognitive change, you start seeing everything with anxiety, including
Speaker 1: your relationship. The biggest one, though, is the second relational events,
Speaker 1: specifically negative relational events. So much trust and vulnerability goes
Speaker 1: into caring for someone and goes into loving someone, And
Speaker 1: when someone takes that trust and vulnerability and treats it
Speaker 1: like it's nothing, that does leave permanent damage. And it
Speaker 1: may explain why we can enter a relationship entirely secure
Speaker 1: and in an entirely healthy place, only to leave it
Speaker 1: anxious or avoidant or insecure, and with a whole new
Speaker 1: perspective on love. So finally, the third reason we lose
Speaker 1: our power in dating is because we begin to adopt
Speaker 1: a scarcity mindset. In other words, we let whoever it
Speaker 1: may be, the media, our married friends, our parents, we
Speaker 1: let them convince us that we are running out of
Speaker 1: time to find a quote unquote good one. The scarcity mindset,
Speaker 1: it's actually an economics term, and it refers to the
Speaker 1: belief that a resource is limited and that results in
Speaker 1: us making irrational decisions. It's why say you're at the
Speaker 1: grocery store and you're trying to buy your favorite yogurt
Speaker 1: and suddenly there's only two of these yogurts left, like
Speaker 1: it's almost sold out. You only need one yogurt, but
Speaker 1: you're going to buy two because this idea of scarcity
Speaker 1: is making you make irrational decisions. It's the same reason
Speaker 1: why if someone tells you that a bag is one
Speaker 1: of a kind or exclusive, you're more likely to want
Speaker 1: to buy it because they've created scarcity within you, where
Speaker 1: if something seems less available, it actually feels more worthwhile
Speaker 1: to have. Yes, the scarcity mindset usually refers to a
Speaker 1: consumer good, it can also refer to love and why
Speaker 1: we feel that a good partner is becoming a lot
Speaker 1: harder to find. So the other important part of this
Speaker 1: concept is that it can actually be artificially altered. So
Speaker 1: basically in economics, people can make you think that something
Speaker 1: is scarce and can make you think that something is
Speaker 1: less available, and they do that as a way to
Speaker 1: make you want to buy it. There are a lot
Speaker 1: of ways that we are made to feel like a
Speaker 1: good relationship is quite scarce at the moment, whether it's
Speaker 1: dating horror stories, whether it's you know how dating apps
Speaker 1: are structured, whether it's all the hit pieces people are
Speaker 1: writing in magazines that it's harder for millennials to find love, etc. Etc.
Speaker 1: It's all making us very very scared. I want to
Speaker 1: remind you people come on and off the market, the
Speaker 1: dating market, every single day. People move cities, People suddenly
Speaker 1: come back on the market and are ready to date again.
Speaker 1: People break up. There is someone perfect for you out
Speaker 1: there thinking exactly what you are thinking right now. Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, there's no good people left, and here you
Speaker 1: are thinking the same thing. And I think that's part
Speaker 1: of the story that you're going to tell each other
Speaker 1: one day of like, oh my god, I'd really given
Speaker 1: up hope and here you are. But in the meantime,
Speaker 1: don't let a scarcity mindset take over and cause you
Speaker 1: to miss out on meeting that person because you felt
Speaker 1: like you had to hurry up and settle down. I
Speaker 1: don't think that's I don't think that's the healthiest decision
Speaker 1: for you right now. And I always say you would
Speaker 1: much rather be single for another ten years and find
Speaker 1: your person at thirty five or thirty nine or thirty two,
Speaker 1: then spend the next ten years with someone that you
Speaker 1: settled for and have to break up anyways and be
Speaker 1: back in the same spot. But now just with more
Speaker 1: emotional damage. So we lose our power because of rejection,
Speaker 1: relationship trauma, and a scarcity mindset. To name the big three,
Speaker 1: What are the consequences of this? Where we've already spoken
Speaker 1: about a few, I think the biggest one is self abandonment,
Speaker 1: abandoning what you need in a relationship, ignoring your needs
Speaker 1: just for the idea and the promise of love. This
Speaker 1: can mean that we often let others make decisions for us,
Speaker 1: We ignore what we need from a situation, We ruminate
Speaker 1: constantly about whether this other person likes us, rather than
Speaker 1: whether we like ourselves or whether we even like them.
Speaker 1: And we also begin to tolerate behavior that we never
Speaker 1: imagined for ourself and we never imagined would be part
Speaker 1: of our love story. Another consequence of abandoning ourselves or
Speaker 1: lowering our standards losing our power, it's that I actually
Speaker 1: think we begin to feel feel it in our body,
Speaker 1: feel a lot of discomfort, distress, and emotional pain when
Speaker 1: you're dating someone or when you know you're in the
Speaker 1: process of courting people who are treating you poorly, where
Speaker 1: you feel like you have no agency, you have no control.
Speaker 1: I often find that that creates a lot of bodily tension.
Speaker 1: It creates real signs, physical signs of emotional distress, like
Speaker 1: crying a lot, like feeling sore in parts of your body,
Speaker 1: feeling nauseous. There's a really fascinating paper that was published
Speaker 1: in twenty fourteen, and it attempted to map where we
Speaker 1: feel emotions in our body, because typically we do feel
Speaker 1: emotions physically before we feel them consciously and mentally, we
Speaker 1: just don't realize it. And what this paper found was
Speaker 1: that when we feel discomfort, stress, anxiety, emotional tension, we
Speaker 1: tend to I feel at first in our face, behind
Speaker 1: our eyes, in our throat, in our stomach. When you
Speaker 1: lose your power in dating and you are dating people
Speaker 1: who make you feel terrible, you are going to feel terrible.
Speaker 1: Your body is going to let you know that it's
Speaker 1: not happy with these emotional circumstances. I remember a friend
Speaker 1: telling me how she went through this period of dating
Speaker 1: the wrong person and she felt nauseous and ill the
Speaker 1: entire time. She went to the doctor. She thought she
Speaker 1: may have an ulcer. She thought it was something serious,
Speaker 1: maybe like a really bad bacteria. When she left the relationship,
Speaker 1: that illness cleared within weeks and I know that sounds
Speaker 1: quite I don't know serendispotus or convenient or like a coincidence.
Speaker 1: I promise you it's not the emotional and social interactions
Speaker 1: that you're having, specifically one that feel so intimate and vulnerable.
Speaker 1: If they are not right, if they don't sit right
Speaker 1: with you mentally, they're not going to sit right with
Speaker 1: you physically. And I think love and dating is not
Speaker 1: something that we can play games with, especially if you
Speaker 1: are someone who is rather sensitive and rather romantic, because
Speaker 1: it does influence you. It influences your mind, it influences
Speaker 1: your body, it influences your soul. Okay, so now to
Speaker 1: the juicy bit. What can we do about it? We're
Speaker 1: going to take a short break, but when we return,
Speaker 1: I've got my five biggest tips for you today, So
Speaker 1: stay tuned. This is gonna sound so cliche, and I'm
Speaker 1: sorry for it in advance, but it's not you. It's
Speaker 1: just dating. It's just the way that dating is working
Speaker 1: at the moment. It's a battlefield where the way we
Speaker 1: have been socialized to date in the twenty first century
Speaker 1: and to treat others, especially these days, is in a
Speaker 1: very transactional way, a very flippant way, and also in
Speaker 1: a way that I think essentially assumes that someone better
Speaker 1: is always going to come along, and it means that
Speaker 1: you have to have stronger boundaries and be a lot
Speaker 1: more intentional about what you want from a relationship. If
Speaker 1: this doesn't come naturally to you, it didn't come naturally
Speaker 1: to me. If it's been scared out of you, don't worry.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you the formula for how to
Speaker 1: really reapply agency and control when it comes to your
Speaker 1: dating experiences. Now, some of these may sound kind of obvious,
Speaker 1: you may have heard them before, but I think the
Speaker 1: reason I'm saying them again is because they are very,
Speaker 1: very important. So even if they're not new to you,
Speaker 1: I do hope that you still absorb them in the
Speaker 1: same way. Let's start with my first tip. My first
Speaker 1: tip is that you need to take a dating detox.
Speaker 1: You need to take a full, big step back from
Speaker 1: dating before you can dive in again. Half the reason
Speaker 1: I finally start cutting corners with dating or giving up
Speaker 1: control is because we are simply emotionally exhausted and our
Speaker 1: ability to uphold our values has been slowly whittled away
Speaker 1: over time. If you're feeling more tired then excited to
Speaker 1: go on dates. If you are dragging yourself to dates
Speaker 1: just wanting to get it over with, hoping to find
Speaker 1: someone good enough so you don't have to be single anymore,
Speaker 1: pause and just stop dating all together, because this is
Speaker 1: a very straight and narrow path to settling. You're probably
Speaker 1: experiencing dating burnout, and it's very similar to career or
Speaker 1: workplace or emotional burnout. And it's very similar in the
Speaker 1: sense that it's going to get progressively worse and worse
Speaker 1: until you do a full reset. Now, something I see
Speaker 1: with people who expel speriencing dating burnout is that they'll
Speaker 1: take a step back for like a couple of weeks.
Speaker 1: That doesn't give them the chance to fully fill up
Speaker 1: their cup and to restore all their depleted emotional resources.
Speaker 1: I think you need six months minimum to get back
Speaker 1: to yourself post dating burnout before you were ready to
Speaker 1: date again. And I'm going to give this my most profound,
Speaker 1: big personal endorsement ever. I actually did do a six
Speaker 1: month dating detox before I met my partner Tom, and
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that it magically made the love of
Speaker 1: my life appear. What I am saying is that I
Speaker 1: was able to really see clearly when he showed up,
Speaker 1: and I was able to kind of push through all
Speaker 1: the garbage and the chaos of other people who weren't
Speaker 1: meant for me. But if I hadn't done a dating detox,
Speaker 1: I would have overly invested in them. My second tip,
Speaker 1: you need to have a list of non negotiables. This
Speaker 1: list is going to be your best friend, and it
Speaker 1: will allow you to shift from seeking validation to seeking
Speaker 1: self approval. It will allow you to stop asking yourself,
Speaker 1: Oh do they like me? Are they enjoying my company?
Speaker 1: Do they want to go on a second date with me?
Speaker 1: To do I like them? Did I have fun on
Speaker 1: that date? Is this someone I could see a future with?
Speaker 1: I think what it really does is it recenters something
Speaker 1: that we've lost along the way. What it recenters is
Speaker 1: our own opinion at the center of our life. This
Speaker 1: really is the judgment and the opinion that matters the most.
Speaker 1: Be as selfish as you want. I don't think we
Speaker 1: hear that a lot in life. I think there are
Speaker 1: very few instances where society is okay with telling us
Speaker 1: to be selfish. But I'm going to tell it to
Speaker 1: you right now, be selfish and assume that everyone else
Speaker 1: is dating with their own best interests at heart until
Speaker 1: they prove that they can be a good partner, until
Speaker 1: they prove that they are worthy of compromise or of selflessness.
Speaker 1: I think you need to keep the focus squarely on
Speaker 1: you and what you want. And this is where this
Speaker 1: list of non negotiables becomes really really important, because if
Speaker 1: we just say, oh, yeah, I'm not going to compromise,
Speaker 1: and we don't have a list, or we don't have
Speaker 1: some idea of what we don't want to compromise on,
Speaker 1: essentially we just end up doing it anyways. It's like
Speaker 1: imagine going to a financial planner and saying, I want
Speaker 1: to be rich, but you don't know what you want
Speaker 1: to spend that money on, and you don't know what
Speaker 1: you currently spend your money on, and you don't know
Speaker 1: what your essential financial needs are. Your financial planner is
Speaker 1: going to sit there and say, so, what exactly do
Speaker 1: you want from me? Like you're not going to be
Speaker 1: able to achieve what you want in money, in life,
Speaker 1: in relationships without already having a vision. I'm going to
Speaker 1: give you a actually, my non negotiable list. I pulled
Speaker 1: this out of my notes at archives. I used to
Speaker 1: bring up this list after every single first date or
Speaker 1: sometimes second date that I'd had with someone, just to
Speaker 1: be very clear with myself. Is this person matching my requirements?
Speaker 1: Or am I being delusional? So this was my list.
Speaker 1: They must be someone looking for monogamy. They must be
Speaker 1: someone who I respect and admire. They must have a career, job,
Speaker 1: or hobby that they're passionate about. They must have time
Speaker 1: for me. They must openly communicate with me. They must
Speaker 1: want to live overseas, and they must want to have
Speaker 1: a family one day. These were all things I knew
Speaker 1: I needed to feel emotionally secure and to have a
Speaker 1: future with someone. But they were also things that I
Speaker 1: knew that if I overlooked in the present, they would
Speaker 1: be relationship ending in the future. And I saw dating
Speaker 1: as something I couldn't just have exclusively have fun with
Speaker 1: any more. I was still having fun, but I knew
Speaker 1: that I was someone who got carried away very very easily.
Speaker 1: I got attached very very easily. This was my insurance.
Speaker 1: You know, whose advice was going to take out of
Speaker 1: any ones, I was probably going to take my own,
Speaker 1: And so this was a way to say, Hey, your
Speaker 1: past self thought this was important. Why are you neglecting
Speaker 1: it now? So make a list. It should have at
Speaker 1: least five things on your list. If you can't think
Speaker 1: of five, I think you need to be more picky
Speaker 1: because there are most certainly five things that you can
Speaker 1: think of that would make a relationship perhaps not work
Speaker 1: for you. So make sure you know what they are.
Speaker 1: You're clear about it, you reflect on past experiences, and
Speaker 1: you use your list. My third tip for reclaiming your
Speaker 1: power in dating is to stop playing games. Stop playing
Speaker 1: games and set the example for how you want to
Speaker 1: be treated. Dating is hard enough, you don't need to
Speaker 1: make it any more confusing for yourself. The kind of
Speaker 1: games I'm talking about include things like not texting them
Speaker 1: back for the same amount of time that they didn't
Speaker 1: text you. I'm guilty of doing that once or twice,
Speaker 1: pretending not to be interested at parties or when you
Speaker 1: see them, making them jealous, deliberately ignoring them, or expecting
Speaker 1: them to read your mind, or testing them without them
Speaker 1: knowing it. All of this just puts up further barriers
Speaker 1: between you and the other person. In all honesty, I
Speaker 1: think that the games we play in the early stages
Speaker 1: of dating. They are a defense mechanism. I think it's
Speaker 1: a way of feeling more in control or of keeping
Speaker 1: people at a distance because of previous times that you
Speaker 1: have been hurt or you have been let down, and
Speaker 1: so pretending not to be interested keeps this nice buffer
Speaker 1: between you and them where you can pretend to yourself
Speaker 1: as well. Or ignoring them allows you to ignore the
Speaker 1: fact that you are actually really invested in them as
Speaker 1: a person and you do really like them, and that's
Speaker 1: okay even if it doesn't work out. It's really just
Speaker 1: a healthy sign that you know what you want and
Speaker 1: that you are brave enough to feel deeply about someone else.
Speaker 1: That I think is I just think that's a good
Speaker 1: sign for future relationship health. So don't wait to text them,
Speaker 1: don't pretend you're not interested, show up the way that
Speaker 1: you would want someone else to show up for you,
Speaker 1: without the games. I think in the same vein, if
Speaker 1: someone is playing games with you, I want you to
Speaker 1: remember that a mixed signal is still a signal. If
Speaker 1: they are making you feel anxious or uncomfortable, if they
Speaker 1: are causing you to doubt yourself, I need you to
Speaker 1: detach and pull all of your energy back. I need
Speaker 1: you to show them very clearly, this kind of behavior
Speaker 1: will not get my attention, and it will not get
Speaker 1: my respect, and it most certainly will not get me.
Speaker 1: And honestly, I actually don't think it's a bad thing
Speaker 1: to just say that to someone, to just say I
Speaker 1: don't like these games. And I'll be honest. When I
Speaker 1: met my partner, when I met my boyfriend Tom, he
Speaker 1: he's a lawyer. I don't think I've said that before,
Speaker 1: but he's a lawyer, and so he's very, very busy.
Speaker 1: And when we first started dating, like, we would text
Speaker 1: a lot and I wouldn't hear from him for like,
Speaker 1: you know, four hours, and I'd be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: he's playing games. And so I said to him, I
Speaker 1: was like, hey, I need you to text me back
Speaker 1: quicker because this makes me feel really insecure and it
Speaker 1: makes me feel like you're not interested. So if you're
Speaker 1: playing games with this, like I'm not interested in it,
Speaker 1: and if it's something else that I need to understand
Speaker 1: about your communication style, let me know. And that's how
Speaker 1: I found out that my boyfriend actually has a really
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with his phone, and I perhaps do not,
Speaker 1: but yes, please prioritize self respect over temporary feelings. But
Speaker 1: if someone is disrespecting you playing games or they don't
Speaker 1: align with your standards, walk away. I don't think your
Speaker 1: self worth is up for negotiation. The way they treat
Speaker 1: you in the beginning is the way they're going to
Speaker 1: treat you for the entire relationship. It's not going to
Speaker 1: get any better than the early days when they're trying
Speaker 1: to court you. Please remember that if you're someone who
Speaker 1: does still find that they put the rose colored glasses on.
Speaker 1: This is my litmus test. This is the question I
Speaker 1: would ask myself, Is this the story that I would
Speaker 1: tell about my soulmate? If in the future we had
Speaker 1: children and our children asked about how he first met
Speaker 1: and how he first started dating, would I want to
Speaker 1: tell them the truth about this story? Because if someone
Speaker 1: is not giving you a good story or a good narrative,
Speaker 1: or is not treating you in a way that you
Speaker 1: would be happy to tell your children or your parents
Speaker 1: or your friends how they were treating you. No, they're
Speaker 1: not the one, Okay. So my fourth tip is actually
Speaker 1: to do with the first date and how to really
Speaker 1: make sure that you are stepping into the room the
Speaker 1: bar wherever you are meeting this person, feeling confident, feeling
Speaker 1: like you can advocate for what you want, feeling like
Speaker 1: you have the power. So before I would go on
Speaker 1: first dates, I used to have three or four affirmations
Speaker 1: that I would always tell myself. I would get ready,
Speaker 1: I would listen to a specific playlist that I had made,
Speaker 1: filled with like music that was over one hundred beats
Speaker 1: per minute, so like high energy, exciting, And then before
Speaker 1: I would leave, I would repeat these four affirmations three
Speaker 1: to four affirmations to myself in the mirror. The first one,
Speaker 1: I already have everything I need in life. Love is
Speaker 1: just a bonus. That was my favorite. The second, I
Speaker 1: am enigmatic, The third, I am masterful. The fourth I'm confident.
Speaker 1: The words that you speak to yourself become reality. We
Speaker 1: see that time and time again in studies and research
Speaker 1: on positive self talk. You can let yourself and your
Speaker 1: sense of self be dictated by external judgments and other
Speaker 1: people's opinions, or you can take all of that information
Speaker 1: and say, none of this is as important as what
Speaker 1: I have to say about myself, the judgments I have
Speaker 1: of myself, how well I feel in my own body.
Speaker 1: Right before I would go into the date like I
Speaker 1: had done my positive self talk, I had done my music,
Speaker 1: I had done all these little small things that made
Speaker 1: me feel like I was gonna have fun. I would
Speaker 1: do this like physical exercise where I would stand outside
Speaker 1: and I would right before I would go in, put
Speaker 1: my chest up, shoulders back, and I would just like
Speaker 1: shake everything out. I do this like huge smile, and
Speaker 1: I would just imagine all this energy lifting from my
Speaker 1: toes all the way to my head, and I would
Speaker 1: just be ready to have a fun time. And I
Speaker 1: would go in being like this could be the worst
Speaker 1: date I ever go on, but at least it's going
Speaker 1: to be a good story. And at least there is
Speaker 1: nothing that this person can say or do that's going
Speaker 1: to make me feel bad about myself because I've already
Speaker 1: kind of put on this emotional armor. I used to
Speaker 1: call this like the high value person mindset. Basically, I
Speaker 1: was doing everything in my power to convince myself first
Speaker 1: and foremost that I was valuable, I was deserving a love,
Speaker 1: respect effort, that I was magnetic. I needed to make
Speaker 1: sure I believed that about me before I was trying
Speaker 1: to convince someone else. Often, because if you really do
Speaker 1: believe that about yourself someone else is going to immediately
Speaker 1: feel drawn to you. As humans, we love when other people,
Speaker 1: when we can see other people respect themselves, and when
Speaker 1: they are confident, and when they know that they're the shit.
Speaker 1: So my final tip for reclaiming your power in dating
Speaker 1: is to reframe rejection as filtering. Research on rejection sensitivity
Speaker 1: shows that we obviously personalize rejection and we immediately assume
Speaker 1: that it's always coming down to something about us rather
Speaker 1: than about someone else's preferences. This is not a you problem.
Speaker 1: If someone doesn't like you, I need you to understand
Speaker 1: that it is their way of doing exactly what I'm
Speaker 1: asking you to do, which is advocate for yourself. And
Speaker 1: the thing is, if they know that you're not the
Speaker 1: right match for them, it's actually a real gift that
Speaker 1: they have made that clear early on, instead of convincing
Speaker 1: you and trying to convince themselves that this could work.
Speaker 1: This is all just a form of filtering. Rejection is
Speaker 1: a way of weeding out incompatible partners before you invest
Speaker 1: too much, too soon, too early, And the fact that
Speaker 1: someone else has done it for you is great because
Speaker 1: eventually you would have found some reason to reject them,
Speaker 1: and you may have felt pretty awful about it. They've
Speaker 1: saved you the pain, They've saved you the stress. They've
Speaker 1: also saved you the cognitive and mental effort of having
Speaker 1: to figure that out for them. The right person is
Speaker 1: going to come along and all of those rejections are
Speaker 1: going to feel worth it. And I just want you
Speaker 1: to be someone that your soulmate would fall in love with.
Speaker 1: You know, I know this sounds bizarre, but when I
Speaker 1: went through that really terrible period, I remember saying to myself,
Speaker 1: I just don't think my soulmate would fall in love
Speaker 1: with me right now because I have no love for myself,
Speaker 1: and because I'm not, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be in
Speaker 1: this situation ready to see them for who they are.
Speaker 1: They could anyone could give me the smallest amount of interests,
Speaker 1: and I would confuse them as a soulmate, so I'm
Speaker 1: not actually able to delineate or tell. And most importantly,
Speaker 1: they could show me all the love in the world,
Speaker 1: and at some level I would crave it, but at
Speaker 1: another level I would think I didn't deserve it. So seriously,
Speaker 1: the focus has to be on you at every single
Speaker 1: stage until this person proves them to prove themselves to
Speaker 1: be a partner like you, will find so much more
Speaker 1: success in dating when you make it a completely selfish activity,
Speaker 1: when you focus on yourself, and when you realize once
Speaker 1: again you already have everything you need in life. This
Speaker 1: is just a bonus. All Right, We're going to take
Speaker 1: another little short break before we come back with our
Speaker 1: listener questions and our listener dilemmas around reclaiming power in dating.
Speaker 1: So stay with us. So question one from a listener,
Speaker 1: I get attached way too quickly. But I like that,
Speaker 1: I love people. D how do I balance those I
Speaker 1: want to firstly say, I actually don't think that it's
Speaker 1: a bad thing to get attached too quickly. I know
Speaker 1: it can like feel kind of painful for us. But
Speaker 1: if the reason you don't like that you get attached
Speaker 1: too quickly is because other people shame you for it,
Speaker 1: or because you feel like people get scared off, I
Speaker 1: don't think they're the one. I don't think that they're
Speaker 1: the one if you put everything on the table and
Speaker 1: they go, oh, that's awkward. So the shame around getting
Speaker 1: attached too quickly, I'll never understand. What I do understand
Speaker 1: is the difficulty that comes with seeing people for their
Speaker 1: potential and not for what they're actually going to give you,
Speaker 1: or for their actions or for who they are. So
Speaker 1: I would say for the first month, if you get
Speaker 1: attached too quickly, just roll back the emotional investment so
Speaker 1: you're not completely cutting them off. I've often had this
Speaker 1: problem in the past where I know I can get
Speaker 1: attached really really quickly, so I kind of deny myself
Speaker 1: any access to that person, thinking that it's gonna stop things. No,
Speaker 1: what we want is a balanced access, So limit how
Speaker 1: much you see them, don't try and rush the timeline.
Speaker 1: In fact, create milestones for you now that you have
Speaker 1: to have to stick to. So basically, create like a
Speaker 1: calendar for yourself that you know this person isn't allowed
Speaker 1: to meet your friends before week six, no overnight stays
Speaker 1: before week four, no weekend trips before week eight, don't
Speaker 1: meet the parents before month three. Basically, despite everything that
Speaker 1: you want to do, I want you to commit to
Speaker 1: these previous limits that you have put on any relationship
Speaker 1: that you are in, such that you don't end up
Speaker 1: speeding down this road and it ends up being a
Speaker 1: dead end street and you crash at the end. And
Speaker 1: you feel, you know, a bit embarrassed for having introduce
Speaker 1: them to family or having made such an investment of
Speaker 1: time and energy in them before they prove themselves to you.
Speaker 1: So spend as much time as you can getting to
Speaker 1: know them before you progress to that next stage of
Speaker 1: a relationship. All right, So question number two, should you
Speaker 1: hold off on sex to reclaim your power? This is
Speaker 1: an interesting one because I feel like this idea of
Speaker 1: holding off sex kind of comes from like a purity
Speaker 1: culture perspective, But I do also think that sometimes we
Speaker 1: use sex as a way to like make someone like
Speaker 1: us a little bit too soon. When I was single,
Speaker 1: I found that when you slept with someone didn't really
Speaker 1: matter because if they were going to respect you, they
Speaker 1: would regardless of when you chose to be intimate, if
Speaker 1: you slept with them on the first date versus the
Speaker 1: tenth date. If that person was real and if they
Speaker 1: really liked you, it wouldn't scare them off, so they
Speaker 1: were involved as well. You know, it's not like they're
Speaker 1: thinking you're giving it up too early and that's a
Speaker 1: sign that like you're this impure person or like that
Speaker 1: you're loose, because they are equally doing it so that
Speaker 1: logic like you never really made sense for me. For me,
Speaker 1: I think reclaiming my power was deciding that if I
Speaker 1: wanted to have sex on the first day, that was fine.
Speaker 1: If I wanted to have sex on the twentieth date,
Speaker 1: that was also fine. My power came from deciding for myself.
Speaker 1: My power came from not being rushed into it and
Speaker 1: making sure that I examined my intentions so that the
Speaker 1: only reason I was doing it wasn't just to, you know,
Speaker 1: keep them for a little bit longer because I thought
Speaker 1: that's what they wanted from me. I just think properly
Speaker 1: evaluate what tone you want to set, what you're after,
Speaker 1: and whether you feel like emotionally prepared for that vulnerability,
Speaker 1: whether you would be okay with sleeping with them and
Speaker 1: not wanting anything serious, whether you feel like you need
Speaker 1: to have sex with them just for them to like you,
Speaker 1: like if that's your only reason, and definitely don't have
Speaker 1: sex with them, but if it feels like a natural
Speaker 1: progression of the relationship and if you want to do it,
Speaker 1: you should totally totally do it. I think again, it
Speaker 1: comes back to playing games. If someone isn't going to
Speaker 1: respect you or isn't going to make you feel in
Speaker 1: control or you're not going to feel powerful if you
Speaker 1: have sex with them, don't do it. But yes, I
Speaker 1: don't think that. I don't know. I don't want to
Speaker 1: say it doesn't really matter, because it does matter. But
Speaker 1: I think that if it's going to change someone's opinion
Speaker 1: of you, then they're probably not the right person, all right.
Speaker 1: Question number three, how to put yourself out there when
Speaker 1: you've never been in a relationship before. This is actually
Speaker 1: a question I get quite a lot. I think there
Speaker 1: are a lot more late bloomers in our twenties and
Speaker 1: in this decade than we imagine. There is a huge
Speaker 1: focus on dating and sex and having these romantic experiences
Speaker 1: as like a ride of passage. If you're not quite
Speaker 1: there yet. Honestly, I'm excited for you. I really am
Speaker 1: quite excited for you because there is so much really
Speaker 1: amazing stuff to come, and the experience of falling in
Speaker 1: love for the first time and having your first boyfriend
Speaker 1: or girlfriend or partner like it is. Actually it's just
Speaker 1: a really fun experience. So don't feel like you've fallen behind.
Speaker 1: Feel like there is just so much opportunity ahead of you.
Speaker 1: I wish sometimes that I could go back and experience
Speaker 1: falling in love again for the first time, all over again,
Speaker 1: because it is so beautiful. But in terms of dealing
Speaker 1: with the insecurity of going out there and feeling like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, everyone like I've never dated before, this
Speaker 1: is a new thing. Shift your mindset to think of
Speaker 1: it like an experiment and it makes it feel less serious.
Speaker 1: So commit to like a three month experiment of asking
Speaker 1: people out, being forward, getting on the app or getting
Speaker 1: on the apps, making the first move, asking friends to
Speaker 1: set you up, and just go on as many dates
Speaker 1: as you can. Whether it's amazing, terrible, awful, it's all data,
Speaker 1: it's all research. Each experience is an important one, even
Speaker 1: if it's bad, because it's all about getting comfortable with
Speaker 1: being visible and being seen and building up those dating skills,
Speaker 1: because it really is such a skill to be able
Speaker 1: to talk to someone that you don't know and find
Speaker 1: out the information that you want to know. And it
Speaker 1: is a real skill to be vulnerable, and it is
Speaker 1: a real skill to have confidence in these situations and
Speaker 1: to be self assured. So I think you just need
Speaker 1: to move past firstly that mental barrier and then the
Speaker 1: social barrier. And just get more experience up. I'm actually
Speaker 1: just so excited for people who are in this situation.
Speaker 1: I feel like not being in a relationship feels like
Speaker 1: a burden, especially if you're at a certain age, but
Speaker 1: actually it's kind of a blessing because you get to
Speaker 1: be more mature when you step into your first relationship
Speaker 1: and you've saved like such a beautiful thing to come
Speaker 1: a little bit later, so you have more time to
Speaker 1: really savor it. So I don't want to be like
Speaker 1: toxic positivity on you. I do just want you to
Speaker 1: see like the grass is greener perspective, you know, as
Speaker 1: someone who's been in quite a few relationships who started
Speaker 1: dating really early, Like sometimes I do look at the
Speaker 1: experiences of people who have waited a bit longer and
Speaker 1: have just been like, wow, I'm really excited for you,
Speaker 1: and it's quite a magical time, all right. Fourth and
Speaker 1: final question for today, how to come back from a
Speaker 1: horrible date that you feel completely defeated by one word
Speaker 1: and one word only, it's humor. It's humor. Laugh about
Speaker 1: it with your friends, Treat it like a good story,
Speaker 1: even write like a funny story about it in your notes.
Speaker 1: App Like almost in the sense of this is a
Speaker 1: story that could go in like your biography or whatever,
Speaker 1: and just remember that we've all been there. These are
Speaker 1: the stories that I think really exhaust us. Right, We've
Speaker 1: all been through a really terrible date where we thought
Speaker 1: it was going to go really really amazing, and this
Speaker 1: person has just been rude, They've not been what we expected.
Speaker 1: It just hasn't turned out right. It's all for the plot.
Speaker 1: And the first thing I would do is call your friends,
Speaker 1: laugh about it with them, write about it, post like
Speaker 1: a funny private Instagram, sorry, just anything so that you
Speaker 1: can turn away from despair and to laughter, because I
Speaker 1: think if you let those bad dates really get you down,
Speaker 1: you're going to start expecting a bad date from every
Speaker 1: single person, and then you start acting like they've already
Speaker 1: disappointed you, and then you both end up disappointed. So
Speaker 1: keep it light, keep it fun, keep it airy, and
Speaker 1: remember that if this person has problems that they've projected
Speaker 1: on you, and if they've treated you poorly or just
Speaker 1: been like a dick, that all comes down to their insecurity.
Speaker 1: Please don't let them drag you down as well. Don't
Speaker 1: let them make you think that you don't deserve love
Speaker 1: and don't make them think that the next day isn't
Speaker 1: going to be better, because I promise that it will be.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it is just a numbers game. I don't know.
Speaker 1: There's so many theories about this. It's a numbers game.
Speaker 1: It happens when you least expect it. There's one soul
Speaker 1: mate for all of us. I think the defining theme
Speaker 1: of dating in your twenties and reclaiming your power during
Speaker 1: this period is just to go out there and have
Speaker 1: fun and be open to the opportunity of romance, even
Speaker 1: if you've been burnt before. So I want to thank
Speaker 1: you all for listening. If you made it this far,
Speaker 1: drop a little rose emoji down below. I love knowing
Speaker 1: how many of you listen to the full episode. It
Speaker 1: always makes me feel so so special. If you have
Speaker 1: further like dating dilemmas or questions about reclaiming your power,
Speaker 1: also drop them in the comments. I'll be around answering
Speaker 1: some of them. Make sure that you are following us
Speaker 1: on Instagram so that if you have your own listener
Speaker 1: question for future episodes, you are around to ask them
Speaker 1: and you know when they are going up. If you
Speaker 1: haven't already, make sure you subscribe to us on YouTube.
Speaker 1: We have video coming out very very soon, and hello
Speaker 1: along the podcast right here where you are now. Give
Speaker 1: us a five star review. Join the community. We'd love
Speaker 1: to have you around, and we'd love to let you
Speaker 1: know when we have new episodes, dropping twice a week
Speaker 1: every Tuesday and Friday. But until next time, stay safe,
Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle with yourself, especially in today's dating climate,
Speaker 1: and we will talk very very soon,