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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in

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Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here.

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Speaker 1: Back for another episode as we, of course break down

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Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. There is really no easy

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Speaker 1: way to say this. Dating in your twenties is hard,

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Speaker 1: especially right now. It feels like a bit of a

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Speaker 1: minefield of people who won't commit, people who seem way

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Speaker 1: too good to be true, and it turns out that

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Speaker 1: they actually are incompatibility, getting ghosted, dates canceled last minute,

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Speaker 1: just to name a few experiences that I'm sure a

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Speaker 1: lot of us have currently been enduring. When this has

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Speaker 1: kind of been going on for a while, and these

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Speaker 1: experiences definitely dominate our dating story or our dating narrative,

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Speaker 1: we can become very detached and very defeated and very passive,

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Speaker 1: and to put it simply, I think we lose our

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Speaker 1: power and our agency in dating. We're no longer as

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Speaker 1: picky as we would like to be. We don't call

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Speaker 1: out disrespect or bad behavior. The whole activity becomes a

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Speaker 1: lot more anxiety inducing than it is fun. And I

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Speaker 1: think we get into this really negative headspace of expecting

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Speaker 1: people to disappoint us and then not being surprised when

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Speaker 1: they actually do. I think the biggest way to counteract

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Speaker 1: this mindset and this defeatist reality when it comes to

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Speaker 1: dating is to really come back to ourselves and focus inwards,

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Speaker 1: not just for the sake of our love life, but

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Speaker 1: for the sake of actually loving our own life. And

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Speaker 1: I was speaking about this on Marchra recently. Mantra, for

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Speaker 1: those of you who don't know, is my other podcast.

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Speaker 1: It's a lot more spiritual. We talk about a specific affirmation,

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Speaker 1: grounding saying or Marchra every single week. Recently, I did

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Speaker 1: an episode on I Nurture Relationships That Enrich My Life,

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Speaker 1: and I talked about how something I wish I had

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Speaker 1: learned sooner was that dating is meant to be a

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Speaker 1: enjoyable and it's meant to be a selfish activity. Truly,

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Speaker 1: dating is actually meant to be rather selfish. We are

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Speaker 1: taught to always be ready to compromise and to be

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Speaker 1: flexible and to be good and to meet everyone's needs.

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Speaker 1: And that's great, fair enough, but I don't think that

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be the case when it comes to trying to

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Speaker 1: find your life partner. Very few decisions are as important,

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Speaker 1: and I think compromise now in the early stages of

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Speaker 1: dating is misery and frustration. Later on, I wish I'd

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Speaker 1: known that at twenty one. I wish I'd known that,

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Speaker 1: maybe even at twenty three. But when we really do

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Speaker 1: start to focus on what do I want, how do

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Speaker 1: I want to be treated, what is my vision for

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Speaker 1: love and what would it take for that to be meant,

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Speaker 1: we experience such a huge and powerful shift that not

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Speaker 1: only makes dating fun, it makes it intentional, and I

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Speaker 1: think it makes it fruitful as well. So today I

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Speaker 1: want to give you my formula for reclaiming your power

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Speaker 1: in dating and also talk about why it is that

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Speaker 1: we do lose our agency, why repeated rejection and relationship

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Speaker 1: trauma and a scarcity mindset are some of the reasons

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Speaker 1: dating feels so personally hard. And I want to talk

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Speaker 1: about some of the dating dilemmas that you guys have

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Speaker 1: been facing as well as people in their twenties. Some

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Speaker 1: of you reached out with some pretty epic stories, some

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Speaker 1: pretty frustrating stories to read from my perspective, So I

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Speaker 1: want to talk about exactly how you can bring back

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Speaker 1: your own control, how you can be in control of

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Speaker 1: those situations. So, without further ado, my lovely, lovely listeners,

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Speaker 1: let's get into my guide to reclaiming your power in

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Speaker 1: dating in your twenties and beyond. I want to start

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Speaker 1: out by talking about a time in my own life

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Speaker 1: when I completely abandoned myself to who I was, essentially

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Speaker 1: because I thought that their approval and if they liked

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Speaker 1: me and if I was good enough for them, that

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Speaker 1: could turn into love, and that could make me happy

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Speaker 1: and spoil the alert. In reality, it actually took me

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Speaker 1: to a very low point, and I'm sure a lot

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Speaker 1: of you could probably tell me a similar story. So

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Speaker 1: back in twenty twenty one, I was dating like my

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Speaker 1: first really serious boyfriend, and longtime listeners will know that

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Speaker 1: that breakup is really what created the psychology of your twenties.

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Speaker 1: But you know, he was great, he was a nice guy.

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Speaker 1: It just didn't work. We broke up and he moved

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Speaker 1: on really really quickly, like very quickly. And it was

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Speaker 1: this whole story where I was still somewhat under the

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Speaker 1: illusion slash delusion that we were going to get back together,

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Speaker 1: and one of my friends had to be like, hey,

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Speaker 1: he actually has a new girlfriend. I think it just

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Speaker 1: put me into the real painful part of relationship grief

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Speaker 1: very very quickly. I was like, oh, I thought that

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Speaker 1: maybe I would have time, that maybe we could still

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Speaker 1: have this shared experience of grieving and missing each other.

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Speaker 1: And suddenly he's moved on. He's on the next he's

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Speaker 1: on to the next person, like he's he's all good

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Speaker 1: and fine and dandy. I think that created a bit

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Speaker 1: of a chain reaction in me where I looked at

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Speaker 1: my own life and I was like, how come it

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Speaker 1: was so hard for me to find someone else. I

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Speaker 1: was very very lonely. I'd been with this person for

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Speaker 1: a while. It was still in Australia COVID lockdowns, so

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Speaker 1: you know, I didn't get to do all the fun

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Speaker 1: things that you would normally do post breakup. I didn't

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Speaker 1: get to go out and party with my friends. I

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Speaker 1: didn't get to go out on these dates. I didn't

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Speaker 1: get to, you know, just be alive and present and

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Speaker 1: out and about, and so I was feeling very very rejected.

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Speaker 1: I was feeling very poorly about myself. I think my

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Speaker 1: self worth was definitely not an asset that I had

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Speaker 1: at that time. And it was during this period where

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Speaker 1: I thought, Okay, maybe I should start dating again. Insane.

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Speaker 1: It was an insane decision because I was four months

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Speaker 1: out of a heartbreak, probably like my most significant one

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Speaker 1: to date. I really had a support network, but it

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Speaker 1: wasn't readily available to me. We had this like little

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Speaker 1: break from lockdown where you know, everything kind of went

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Speaker 1: back to normal for a couple of months, and I

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Speaker 1: went dating. It was almost like a sport for me.

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Speaker 1: I was going on sometimes two dates a day, meeting

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Speaker 1: all these people, and the thing was, none of them

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Speaker 1: were particularly nice to me. And yet I don't think

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Speaker 1: there was a single date that I went on where

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Speaker 1: I thought, oh, he's not interested. I should leave this.

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Speaker 1: Every single one I was like, potential, potential, potential, potential.

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Speaker 1: I basically, I'm going to say it as it is.

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Speaker 1: I'd lost my power and I met someone during that time,

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Speaker 1: which really any semblance of agency and control and autonomy

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Speaker 1: I had in this process, any slither that I had

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Speaker 1: left that was finally taken away from me because basically,

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Speaker 1: I fell in love with someone very quickly who had

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Speaker 1: absolutely no interest in loving me back, and everything about

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Speaker 1: everything about our relationship became dictated by what he wanted.

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Speaker 1: We would only hang out at his house. We would

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Speaker 1: only do the dates that he wanted. We only had

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Speaker 1: the label that he wanted to give the relationship, which

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Speaker 1: was not the label that I wanted. And it was very,

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Speaker 1: very painful, and I basically sat in that relationship that

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Speaker 1: wasn't quite a relationship for six months and it was

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Speaker 1: like I was looking at myself from a high up place,

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Speaker 1: just losing who I was. I was just in this relationship.

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Speaker 1: And I used to be such a forthright advocate for myself.

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Speaker 1: You know, if someone didn't treat me right, I was

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Speaker 1: gonna call it out, And in this situation, I just

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Speaker 1: absolutely did not. I just sat there and I just

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Speaker 1: let him say, you know sometimes really mean things about me,

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Speaker 1: and I let him just be do. I just let

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Speaker 1: him take control and get whatever he wanted out of

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Speaker 1: the relationship, whilst I was very clearly sitting there miserable,

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Speaker 1: not getting what I wanted out of the relationship. And

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Speaker 1: you best believe I was not going to advocate for

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Speaker 1: myself because all I wanted in that moment was love. Really,

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Speaker 1: I was not in the place to be dating, and

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Speaker 1: I was so fragile and I was so insecure. All

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Speaker 1: I wanted was someone to just like hold me and

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Speaker 1: say I was special, or at least kind of treat

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Speaker 1: me like I was special a couple of days a week.

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Speaker 1: Needless to say, this relation relationship, if you can call it,

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Speaker 1: call it a relationship, did not work out. It most

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Speaker 1: certainly did not work out, and we kind of ended things.

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Speaker 1: And if I thought that I had been in a

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Speaker 1: low place before, the six months post that relationship was

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Speaker 1: so painful and almost like in so I think about

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Speaker 1: it and I feel so bad for that girl because

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Speaker 1: I've spoken about it on the show before, but I

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Speaker 1: couldn't even like speak to someone. I just moved to

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Speaker 1: Sydney at the time as well, and obviously I had

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Speaker 1: to try and meet all these new people. I just

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Speaker 1: didn't feel special at all. I was like, why would

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Speaker 1: anyone want to be my friend? Why would anyone want

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Speaker 1: to talk to me right now? I'm just wasting their time,

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Speaker 1: I'm boring them. I have these distinct memories of being

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Speaker 1: at parties that my friends had invited me to, like

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Speaker 1: the two friends that I had in Sydney at the time,

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Speaker 1: and just not being able to hold a conversation with

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Speaker 1: someone and just being like, oh my god, they're bored,

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Speaker 1: they're bored, they don't want to talk to me anymore,

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Speaker 1: and then leaving the compversation and self sabotaging, and I

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Speaker 1: just really felt absolutely terrible about myself. And it all

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Speaker 1: stemmed back to the fact that I had let myself

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Speaker 1: be I don't want to say taken advantage of I'd

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Speaker 1: let myself be treated badly. Now I say that, and

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Speaker 1: I don't want people to take that out of context

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Speaker 1: and think that I am saying that anyone who's been

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Speaker 1: through a terrible relationship or even an abusive relationship is

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Speaker 1: responsible for their treatment. Really not the case, like, really

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Speaker 1: not the case. But I can say in terms of

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Speaker 1: my experience that I knew very clearly and I could

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Speaker 1: feel it bubbling up that I was not being treated right,

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Speaker 1: that I had lost my agency, that I was not happy,

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Speaker 1: that I was not confident, and I continued to almost

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Speaker 1: subject myself to that environment and to that emotional environment

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Speaker 1: and situation because I did not feel like I deserved more,

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Speaker 1: And the idea of having to go back out there

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Speaker 1: and be single when I had no power as a

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Speaker 1: person who was dating just felt absolutely terrible. Obviously, I

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Speaker 1: made it through. I made it through, and now I'm

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Speaker 1: with someone really, really amazing. Obviously, I've skipped an important

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Speaker 1: chapter here, and that's the chapter that we're talking about today.

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Speaker 1: You know, how did I go from having that terrible

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Speaker 1: relationship which genuinely broke me and which I still sometimes

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Speaker 1: sit and think about and think, whooh out to where

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Speaker 1: I am now? I've been with my partner for two

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Speaker 1: years and he is wonderful and he is spectacular, and

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Speaker 1: he treats me so well, and he is just like genuinely,

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Speaker 1: it's like we are two complete people coming together making

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Speaker 1: each other more whole. Gemma, you know, five years ago

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Speaker 1: would not have imagined that could have occurred. And it's

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Speaker 1: because when it came to dating, I became in selfish,

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Speaker 1: I became independent. I became so focused on what I

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Speaker 1: needed and what I wanted because I really realized after

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Speaker 1: those experiences, no one else was going to advocate for me.

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Speaker 1: You know, everyone else in the dating scheme, in the

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Speaker 1: dating sphere was putting themselves first. So it was my

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Speaker 1: turn to put myself first, and it was my turn

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Speaker 1: to be bossy about what I wanted. And honestly, it's

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Speaker 1: funny because I think I almost went a little bit

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Speaker 1: too far my current boyfriend. I almost didn't go on

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Speaker 1: a date with him. It's like a funny story retell now,

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Speaker 1: whereby he hadn't confirmed plans the day of, and I

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Speaker 1: was texting my friends being like, no, a real man

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Speaker 1: wouldn't treat me this way. My soulmate wouldn't treat me

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Speaker 1: this way. I'm not going to go on this date.

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Speaker 1: But I gave him a second chance. I'm so glad

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Speaker 1: that I did, and here we are now. So my

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Speaker 1: experience aside, what is it that makes us lose our

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Speaker 1: power in dating? I think the first reason why you

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Speaker 1: may end up in a similar situation to me kind

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Speaker 1: of dating losers, with people that don't treat you right,

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Speaker 1: is because of repeated rejection. Being rejected by someone you

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Speaker 1: like or admire. It stings on a very deep interpersonal level.

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Speaker 1: A great deal of human emotion is going to come

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Speaker 1: from rejection, and is going to emerge in the face

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Speaker 1: of real, anticipated, imagined, even remembered rejection by other people.

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Speaker 1: We are socially primed to experience rejection as a painful experience,

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Speaker 1: almost physically painful, and then as a result of that

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Speaker 1: turn inwards looking for answers as to why we were

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Speaker 1: the ones who were wrong, We were the ones who

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Speaker 1: were different, We were the one who couldn't make this

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Speaker 1: person happy or couldn't fit in. A consequence of that

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Speaker 1: is that we believe that we must be the ones

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Speaker 1: who have to change or who have to adapt in

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Speaker 1: order to be accepted. So there was a two thousand

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Speaker 1: study that found that the more rejection you experience, the

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Speaker 1: more you actually do begin to cope through avoidant strategies.

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Speaker 1: So this was actually a study done on academics, university

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Speaker 1: academics who were told that their papers and manuscripts had

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Speaker 1: either been rejected or not, and they found in the

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Speaker 1: experimental condition where certain participants were having papers rejected left, right,

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Speaker 1: and center, the more rejections they received fake rejections, the

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Speaker 1: more they withdrew, the more they became quite hostile, but

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Speaker 1: in general, the more they actually began to doubt themselves. Now,

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Speaker 1: obviously this was an experiment. These rejections actually had nothing

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Speaker 1: to do with the quality of their work, but they

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Speaker 1: ended up really believing that just because this random person

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Speaker 1: told them that their paper was terrible or that they

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Speaker 1: didn't deserve some kind of accolade, it must be true.

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Speaker 1: And very few of them said, Oh, I don't actually

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Speaker 1: think you're right. I think your criticisms of me are wrong.

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Speaker 1: It's so bizarre how we as humans are so quick

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Speaker 1: to trust other people's approval or judgments of us, but

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Speaker 1: we are so ready to dismiss or not even think

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Speaker 1: about our own, not even think about what we think,

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Speaker 1: and rejection will do that to you. Another piece of

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Speaker 1: research from the University of New South Wales here in

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Speaker 1: Australia also found that, you know, repeated rejection is one thing.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes for some of us, all it takes is one

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Speaker 1: really profound, emotionally salient rejection to change you. So, according

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Speaker 1: to this doctor who ran the study, doctor Zimmermann, if

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Speaker 1: we experience a really unexpected romantic rejection early in life,

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Speaker 1: this can actually be a catalyst of events for a

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Speaker 1: lot of trust issues. And it's very hard to understand

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Speaker 1: why it's happened, But it's because this experience of really

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Speaker 1: committing to someone and wanting them to like you and

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Speaker 1: then feeling rejected is so painful that your brain almost

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Speaker 1: promises to itself for that to never happen again. Now,

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Speaker 1: if your self worth has been depleted by a number

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Speaker 1: of dates not working out, a few instances are being

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Speaker 1: ghosted or turned down, or just even a significant one off.

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Speaker 1: You may firstly try to avoid those feelings, but then

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Speaker 1: you'll begin to change your attitudes and your actions. And

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Speaker 1: one way that we do that in one way that

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Speaker 1: we respond to romantic rejection is that we lower our

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Speaker 1: standards and we settle. We do this because we have

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Speaker 1: likely developed an actual fear of rejection at this point,

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Speaker 1: so we want to prevent it from happening again. And

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Speaker 1: the way that we can prevent it from happening again

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Speaker 1: is either a completely withdrawing or be shaping ourselves to

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Speaker 1: constantly be what someone else wants, because that will ensure

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Speaker 1: that no one will ever make us feel the way

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Speaker 1: that we've already been made to feel. The second reason

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Speaker 1: we may have lost our power in dating is because

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Speaker 1: of a really unfortunate and painful experience of relationship trauma.

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Speaker 1: This is going to come in a lot of forms,

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Speaker 1: but some examples of relationship trauma include being cheated on,

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Speaker 1: even repeated instances of micro cheating, being in quite an

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Speaker 1: emotionally volatile relationship where you never knew where you stood,

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Speaker 1: being betrayed, a traumatic breakup, just some examples. Something that

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Speaker 1: many of us don't know is that relationship trauma in

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Speaker 1: our late teens in our early twenties does actually have

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Speaker 1: the ability to reshape our attachment style. We often tend

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Speaker 1: to think that our attachment style is somewhat locked in

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Speaker 1: after childhood and that the only thing that influences attachment

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Speaker 1: style is our parental relationships and our attachment to them.

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Speaker 1: That is not true. A twenty seventeen paper titled adult attachment, stress,

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Speaker 1: and Romantic Relationships. I actually discovered this piece of research

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Speaker 1: when I was researching my book, but it found that

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Speaker 1: there are three types of negative events in adulthood that

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Speaker 1: can actually rewire your attachment style. So there's negative external

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Speaker 1: events this has nothing to do with your relationship but

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Speaker 1: still makes you feel unsteady, So may have been the

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Speaker 1: death of a loved one or the death of a partner,

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Speaker 1: or an injury or a really traumatic, dangerous situation you

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Speaker 1: went through with someone. Then we have negative relational events,

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Speaker 1: so conflict, separation, abandonment, breakup, and then cognitive or emotional events.

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Speaker 1: So this may be that your attachment style has been

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Speaker 1: rewired because you, as a person have started experiencing heightened

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Speaker 1: levels of anxiety due to some biological change. Due to

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Speaker 1: some cognitive change, you start seeing everything with anxiety, including

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Speaker 1: your relationship. The biggest one, though, is the second relational events,

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Speaker 1: specifically negative relational events. So much trust and vulnerability goes

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Speaker 1: into caring for someone and goes into loving someone, And

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Speaker 1: when someone takes that trust and vulnerability and treats it

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Speaker 1: like it's nothing, that does leave permanent damage. And it

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Speaker 1: may explain why we can enter a relationship entirely secure

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Speaker 1: and in an entirely healthy place, only to leave it

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Speaker 1: anxious or avoidant or insecure, and with a whole new

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Speaker 1: perspective on love. So finally, the third reason we lose

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Speaker 1: our power in dating is because we begin to adopt

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Speaker 1: a scarcity mindset. In other words, we let whoever it

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Speaker 1: may be, the media, our married friends, our parents, we

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Speaker 1: let them convince us that we are running out of

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Speaker 1: time to find a quote unquote good one. The scarcity mindset,

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Speaker 1: it's actually an economics term, and it refers to the

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Speaker 1: belief that a resource is limited and that results in

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Speaker 1: us making irrational decisions. It's why say you're at the

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Speaker 1: grocery store and you're trying to buy your favorite yogurt

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Speaker 1: and suddenly there's only two of these yogurts left, like

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Speaker 1: it's almost sold out. You only need one yogurt, but

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Speaker 1: you're going to buy two because this idea of scarcity

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Speaker 1: is making you make irrational decisions. It's the same reason

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Speaker 1: why if someone tells you that a bag is one

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Speaker 1: of a kind or exclusive, you're more likely to want

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Speaker 1: to buy it because they've created scarcity within you, where

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Speaker 1: if something seems less available, it actually feels more worthwhile

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Speaker 1: to have. Yes, the scarcity mindset usually refers to a

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Speaker 1: consumer good, it can also refer to love and why

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Speaker 1: we feel that a good partner is becoming a lot

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Speaker 1: harder to find. So the other important part of this

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Speaker 1: concept is that it can actually be artificially altered. So

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Speaker 1: basically in economics, people can make you think that something

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Speaker 1: is scarce and can make you think that something is

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Speaker 1: less available, and they do that as a way to

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Speaker 1: make you want to buy it. There are a lot

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Speaker 1: of ways that we are made to feel like a

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Speaker 1: good relationship is quite scarce at the moment, whether it's

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Speaker 1: dating horror stories, whether it's you know how dating apps

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Speaker 1: are structured, whether it's all the hit pieces people are

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Speaker 1: writing in magazines that it's harder for millennials to find love, etc. Etc.

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Speaker 1: It's all making us very very scared. I want to

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Speaker 1: remind you people come on and off the market, the

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Speaker 1: dating market, every single day. People move cities, People suddenly

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Speaker 1: come back on the market and are ready to date again.

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Speaker 1: People break up. There is someone perfect for you out

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Speaker 1: there thinking exactly what you are thinking right now. Oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, there's no good people left, and here you

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Speaker 1: are thinking the same thing. And I think that's part

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Speaker 1: of the story that you're going to tell each other

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Speaker 1: one day of like, oh my god, I'd really given

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Speaker 1: up hope and here you are. But in the meantime,

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Speaker 1: don't let a scarcity mindset take over and cause you

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Speaker 1: to miss out on meeting that person because you felt

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Speaker 1: like you had to hurry up and settle down. I

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Speaker 1: don't think that's I don't think that's the healthiest decision

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Speaker 1: for you right now. And I always say you would

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Speaker 1: much rather be single for another ten years and find

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Speaker 1: your person at thirty five or thirty nine or thirty two,

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Speaker 1: then spend the next ten years with someone that you

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Speaker 1: settled for and have to break up anyways and be

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Speaker 1: back in the same spot. But now just with more

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Speaker 1: emotional damage. So we lose our power because of rejection,

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Speaker 1: relationship trauma, and a scarcity mindset. To name the big three,

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Speaker 1: What are the consequences of this? Where we've already spoken

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Speaker 1: about a few, I think the biggest one is self abandonment,

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Speaker 1: abandoning what you need in a relationship, ignoring your needs

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Speaker 1: just for the idea and the promise of love. This

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Speaker 1: can mean that we often let others make decisions for us,

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Speaker 1: We ignore what we need from a situation, We ruminate

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Speaker 1: constantly about whether this other person likes us, rather than

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Speaker 1: whether we like ourselves or whether we even like them.

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Speaker 1: And we also begin to tolerate behavior that we never

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Speaker 1: imagined for ourself and we never imagined would be part

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Speaker 1: of our love story. Another consequence of abandoning ourselves or

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00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,040
Speaker 1: lowering our standards losing our power, it's that I actually

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Speaker 1: think we begin to feel feel it in our body,

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00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:08,880
Speaker 1: feel a lot of discomfort, distress, and emotional pain when

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Speaker 1: you're dating someone or when you know you're in the

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Speaker 1: process of courting people who are treating you poorly, where

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Speaker 1: you feel like you have no agency, you have no control.

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Speaker 1: I often find that that creates a lot of bodily tension.

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Speaker 1: It creates real signs, physical signs of emotional distress, like

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Speaker 1: crying a lot, like feeling sore in parts of your body,

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Speaker 1: feeling nauseous. There's a really fascinating paper that was published

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Speaker 1: in twenty fourteen, and it attempted to map where we

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Speaker 1: feel emotions in our body, because typically we do feel

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Speaker 1: emotions physically before we feel them consciously and mentally, we

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Speaker 1: just don't realize it. And what this paper found was

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00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 1: that when we feel discomfort, stress, anxiety, emotional tension, we

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Speaker 1: tend to I feel at first in our face, behind

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Speaker 1: our eyes, in our throat, in our stomach. When you

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00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:09,160
Speaker 1: lose your power in dating and you are dating people

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00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 1: who make you feel terrible, you are going to feel terrible.

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00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 1: Your body is going to let you know that it's

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00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:20,439
Speaker 1: not happy with these emotional circumstances. I remember a friend

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00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:24,399
Speaker 1: telling me how she went through this period of dating

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Speaker 1: the wrong person and she felt nauseous and ill the

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Speaker 1: entire time. She went to the doctor. She thought she

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Speaker 1: may have an ulcer. She thought it was something serious,

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Speaker 1: maybe like a really bad bacteria. When she left the relationship,

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Speaker 1: that illness cleared within weeks and I know that sounds

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Speaker 1: quite I don't know serendispotus or convenient or like a coincidence.

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00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:58,119
Speaker 1: I promise you it's not the emotional and social interactions

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Speaker 1: that you're having, specifically one that feel so intimate and vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: If they are not right, if they don't sit right

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Speaker 1: with you mentally, they're not going to sit right with

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Speaker 1: you physically. And I think love and dating is not

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Speaker 1: something that we can play games with, especially if you

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00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:18,280
Speaker 1: are someone who is rather sensitive and rather romantic, because

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Speaker 1: it does influence you. It influences your mind, it influences

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Speaker 1: your body, it influences your soul. Okay, so now to

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Speaker 1: the juicy bit. What can we do about it? We're

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Speaker 1: going to take a short break, but when we return,

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Speaker 1: I've got my five biggest tips for you today, So

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Speaker 1: stay tuned. This is gonna sound so cliche, and I'm

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00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,320
Speaker 1: sorry for it in advance, but it's not you. It's

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Speaker 1: just dating. It's just the way that dating is working

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Speaker 1: at the moment. It's a battlefield where the way we

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00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,200
Speaker 1: have been socialized to date in the twenty first century

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Speaker 1: and to treat others, especially these days, is in a

433
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 1: very transactional way, a very flippant way, and also in

434
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:09,439
Speaker 1: a way that I think essentially assumes that someone better

435
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 1: is always going to come along, and it means that

436
00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 1: you have to have stronger boundaries and be a lot

437
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:22,240
Speaker 1: more intentional about what you want from a relationship. If

438
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,399
Speaker 1: this doesn't come naturally to you, it didn't come naturally

439
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:28,600
Speaker 1: to me. If it's been scared out of you, don't worry.

440
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,000
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you the formula for how to

441
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:35,399
Speaker 1: really reapply agency and control when it comes to your

442
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 1: dating experiences. Now, some of these may sound kind of obvious,

443
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:41,960
Speaker 1: you may have heard them before, but I think the

444
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 1: reason I'm saying them again is because they are very,

445
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,960
Speaker 1: very important. So even if they're not new to you,

446
00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: I do hope that you still absorb them in the

447
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:54,119
Speaker 1: same way. Let's start with my first tip. My first

448
00:27:54,119 --> 00:27:57,720
Speaker 1: tip is that you need to take a dating detox.

449
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:01,120
Speaker 1: You need to take a full, big step back from

450
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:05,040
Speaker 1: dating before you can dive in again. Half the reason

451
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,679
Speaker 1: I finally start cutting corners with dating or giving up

452
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:13,840
Speaker 1: control is because we are simply emotionally exhausted and our

453
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:18,680
Speaker 1: ability to uphold our values has been slowly whittled away

454
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:23,240
Speaker 1: over time. If you're feeling more tired then excited to

455
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:26,480
Speaker 1: go on dates. If you are dragging yourself to dates

456
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,359
Speaker 1: just wanting to get it over with, hoping to find

457
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,320
Speaker 1: someone good enough so you don't have to be single anymore,

458
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 1: pause and just stop dating all together, because this is

459
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:43,840
Speaker 1: a very straight and narrow path to settling. You're probably

460
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 1: experiencing dating burnout, and it's very similar to career or

461
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:52,120
Speaker 1: workplace or emotional burnout. And it's very similar in the

462
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:55,400
Speaker 1: sense that it's going to get progressively worse and worse

463
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,960
Speaker 1: until you do a full reset. Now, something I see

464
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 1: with people who expel speriencing dating burnout is that they'll

465
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,320
Speaker 1: take a step back for like a couple of weeks.

466
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,720
Speaker 1: That doesn't give them the chance to fully fill up

467
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 1: their cup and to restore all their depleted emotional resources.

468
00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 1: I think you need six months minimum to get back

469
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:22,040
Speaker 1: to yourself post dating burnout before you were ready to

470
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:25,240
Speaker 1: date again. And I'm going to give this my most profound,

471
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: big personal endorsement ever. I actually did do a six

472
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:33,200
Speaker 1: month dating detox before I met my partner Tom, and

473
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:37,480
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that it magically made the love of

474
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: my life appear. What I am saying is that I

475
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:44,960
Speaker 1: was able to really see clearly when he showed up,

476
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 1: and I was able to kind of push through all

477
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:52,000
Speaker 1: the garbage and the chaos of other people who weren't

478
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,400
Speaker 1: meant for me. But if I hadn't done a dating detox,

479
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:58,400
Speaker 1: I would have overly invested in them. My second tip,

480
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 1: you need to have a list of non negotiables. This

481
00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 1: list is going to be your best friend, and it

482
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:10,880
Speaker 1: will allow you to shift from seeking validation to seeking

483
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:15,320
Speaker 1: self approval. It will allow you to stop asking yourself,

484
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:20,240
Speaker 1: Oh do they like me? Are they enjoying my company?

485
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,440
Speaker 1: Do they want to go on a second date with me?

486
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:26,680
Speaker 1: To do I like them? Did I have fun on

487
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,120
Speaker 1: that date? Is this someone I could see a future with?

488
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:33,680
Speaker 1: I think what it really does is it recenters something

489
00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 1: that we've lost along the way. What it recenters is

490
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,520
Speaker 1: our own opinion at the center of our life. This

491
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 1: really is the judgment and the opinion that matters the most.

492
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:47,560
Speaker 1: Be as selfish as you want. I don't think we

493
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,400
Speaker 1: hear that a lot in life. I think there are

494
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:53,520
Speaker 1: very few instances where society is okay with telling us

495
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 1: to be selfish. But I'm going to tell it to

496
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:59,960
Speaker 1: you right now, be selfish and assume that everyone else

497
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 1: is dating with their own best interests at heart until

498
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:07,720
Speaker 1: they prove that they can be a good partner, until

499
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:12,360
Speaker 1: they prove that they are worthy of compromise or of selflessness.

500
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,840
Speaker 1: I think you need to keep the focus squarely on

501
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:19,120
Speaker 1: you and what you want. And this is where this

502
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 1: list of non negotiables becomes really really important, because if

503
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,560
Speaker 1: we just say, oh, yeah, I'm not going to compromise,

504
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,600
Speaker 1: and we don't have a list, or we don't have

505
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:29,720
Speaker 1: some idea of what we don't want to compromise on,

506
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,040
Speaker 1: essentially we just end up doing it anyways. It's like

507
00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 1: imagine going to a financial planner and saying, I want

508
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 1: to be rich, but you don't know what you want

509
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 1: to spend that money on, and you don't know what

510
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,480
Speaker 1: you currently spend your money on, and you don't know

511
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:47,400
Speaker 1: what your essential financial needs are. Your financial planner is

512
00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:49,800
Speaker 1: going to sit there and say, so, what exactly do

513
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 1: you want from me? Like you're not going to be

514
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,320
Speaker 1: able to achieve what you want in money, in life,

515
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:59,560
Speaker 1: in relationships without already having a vision. I'm going to

516
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:02,800
Speaker 1: give you a actually, my non negotiable list. I pulled

517
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 1: this out of my notes at archives. I used to

518
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:08,920
Speaker 1: bring up this list after every single first date or

519
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,840
Speaker 1: sometimes second date that I'd had with someone, just to

520
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:16,440
Speaker 1: be very clear with myself. Is this person matching my requirements?

521
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,960
Speaker 1: Or am I being delusional? So this was my list.

522
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,880
Speaker 1: They must be someone looking for monogamy. They must be

523
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:28,719
Speaker 1: someone who I respect and admire. They must have a career, job,

524
00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:32,600
Speaker 1: or hobby that they're passionate about. They must have time

525
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:37,320
Speaker 1: for me. They must openly communicate with me. They must

526
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 1: want to live overseas, and they must want to have

527
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:43,080
Speaker 1: a family one day. These were all things I knew

528
00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:45,680
Speaker 1: I needed to feel emotionally secure and to have a

529
00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:48,440
Speaker 1: future with someone. But they were also things that I

530
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 1: knew that if I overlooked in the present, they would

531
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:55,800
Speaker 1: be relationship ending in the future. And I saw dating

532
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,640
Speaker 1: as something I couldn't just have exclusively have fun with

533
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:02,440
Speaker 1: any more. I was still having fun, but I knew

534
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,840
Speaker 1: that I was someone who got carried away very very easily.

535
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:10,400
Speaker 1: I got attached very very easily. This was my insurance.

536
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 1: You know, whose advice was going to take out of

537
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:16,280
Speaker 1: any ones, I was probably going to take my own,

538
00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:18,480
Speaker 1: And so this was a way to say, Hey, your

539
00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:21,640
Speaker 1: past self thought this was important. Why are you neglecting

540
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 1: it now? So make a list. It should have at

541
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,200
Speaker 1: least five things on your list. If you can't think

542
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:30,000
Speaker 1: of five, I think you need to be more picky

543
00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 1: because there are most certainly five things that you can

544
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:37,040
Speaker 1: think of that would make a relationship perhaps not work

545
00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 1: for you. So make sure you know what they are.

546
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:43,640
Speaker 1: You're clear about it, you reflect on past experiences, and

547
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:48,520
Speaker 1: you use your list. My third tip for reclaiming your

548
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 1: power in dating is to stop playing games. Stop playing

549
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: games and set the example for how you want to

550
00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,840
Speaker 1: be treated. Dating is hard enough, you don't need to

551
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,720
Speaker 1: make it any more confusing for yourself. The kind of

552
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:09,120
Speaker 1: games I'm talking about include things like not texting them

553
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,720
Speaker 1: back for the same amount of time that they didn't

554
00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 1: text you. I'm guilty of doing that once or twice,

555
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:19,759
Speaker 1: pretending not to be interested at parties or when you

556
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:26,040
Speaker 1: see them, making them jealous, deliberately ignoring them, or expecting

557
00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 1: them to read your mind, or testing them without them

558
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 1: knowing it. All of this just puts up further barriers

559
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 1: between you and the other person. In all honesty, I

560
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:40,400
Speaker 1: think that the games we play in the early stages

561
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,920
Speaker 1: of dating. They are a defense mechanism. I think it's

562
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,800
Speaker 1: a way of feeling more in control or of keeping

563
00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:49,920
Speaker 1: people at a distance because of previous times that you

564
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,160
Speaker 1: have been hurt or you have been let down, and

565
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:56,920
Speaker 1: so pretending not to be interested keeps this nice buffer

566
00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:59,600
Speaker 1: between you and them where you can pretend to yourself

567
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,360
Speaker 1: as well. Or ignoring them allows you to ignore the

568
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,960
Speaker 1: fact that you are actually really invested in them as

569
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,799
Speaker 1: a person and you do really like them, and that's

570
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 1: okay even if it doesn't work out. It's really just

571
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 1: a healthy sign that you know what you want and

572
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:19,200
Speaker 1: that you are brave enough to feel deeply about someone else.

573
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 1: That I think is I just think that's a good

574
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:24,919
Speaker 1: sign for future relationship health. So don't wait to text them,

575
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,399
Speaker 1: don't pretend you're not interested, show up the way that

576
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,799
Speaker 1: you would want someone else to show up for you,

577
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,279
Speaker 1: without the games. I think in the same vein, if

578
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:37,400
Speaker 1: someone is playing games with you, I want you to

579
00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:41,560
Speaker 1: remember that a mixed signal is still a signal. If

580
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:45,359
Speaker 1: they are making you feel anxious or uncomfortable, if they

581
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 1: are causing you to doubt yourself, I need you to

582
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:54,160
Speaker 1: detach and pull all of your energy back. I need

583
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:57,960
Speaker 1: you to show them very clearly, this kind of behavior

584
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:01,160
Speaker 1: will not get my attention, and it will not get

585
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 1: my respect, and it most certainly will not get me.

586
00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 1: And honestly, I actually don't think it's a bad thing

587
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:10,960
Speaker 1: to just say that to someone, to just say I

588
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 1: don't like these games. And I'll be honest. When I

589
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:18,319
Speaker 1: met my partner, when I met my boyfriend Tom, he

590
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:19,880
Speaker 1: he's a lawyer. I don't think I've said that before,

591
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,960
Speaker 1: but he's a lawyer, and so he's very, very busy.

592
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:24,680
Speaker 1: And when we first started dating, like, we would text

593
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:26,719
Speaker 1: a lot and I wouldn't hear from him for like,

594
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:29,359
Speaker 1: you know, four hours, and I'd be like, oh my god,

595
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:31,719
Speaker 1: he's playing games. And so I said to him, I

596
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:33,239
Speaker 1: was like, hey, I need you to text me back

597
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:36,319
Speaker 1: quicker because this makes me feel really insecure and it

598
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:39,319
Speaker 1: makes me feel like you're not interested. So if you're

599
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,960
Speaker 1: playing games with this, like I'm not interested in it,

600
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,440
Speaker 1: and if it's something else that I need to understand

601
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,239
Speaker 1: about your communication style, let me know. And that's how

602
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,879
Speaker 1: I found out that my boyfriend actually has a really

603
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:54,480
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with his phone, and I perhaps do not,

604
00:36:54,920 --> 00:37:00,040
Speaker 1: but yes, please prioritize self respect over temporary feelings. But

605
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:04,399
Speaker 1: if someone is disrespecting you playing games or they don't

606
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:07,920
Speaker 1: align with your standards, walk away. I don't think your

607
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,959
Speaker 1: self worth is up for negotiation. The way they treat

608
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 1: you in the beginning is the way they're going to

609
00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:15,600
Speaker 1: treat you for the entire relationship. It's not going to

610
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,760
Speaker 1: get any better than the early days when they're trying

611
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:22,839
Speaker 1: to court you. Please remember that if you're someone who

612
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:26,160
Speaker 1: does still find that they put the rose colored glasses on.

613
00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:28,880
Speaker 1: This is my litmus test. This is the question I

614
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,399
Speaker 1: would ask myself, Is this the story that I would

615
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:36,080
Speaker 1: tell about my soulmate? If in the future we had

616
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,399
Speaker 1: children and our children asked about how he first met

617
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:43,279
Speaker 1: and how he first started dating, would I want to

618
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:48,120
Speaker 1: tell them the truth about this story? Because if someone

619
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:51,920
Speaker 1: is not giving you a good story or a good narrative,

620
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:53,960
Speaker 1: or is not treating you in a way that you

621
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,960
Speaker 1: would be happy to tell your children or your parents

622
00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:00,680
Speaker 1: or your friends how they were treating you. No, they're

623
00:38:00,719 --> 00:38:03,480
Speaker 1: not the one, Okay. So my fourth tip is actually

624
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:06,080
Speaker 1: to do with the first date and how to really

625
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,840
Speaker 1: make sure that you are stepping into the room the

626
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 1: bar wherever you are meeting this person, feeling confident, feeling

627
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 1: like you can advocate for what you want, feeling like

628
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,399
Speaker 1: you have the power. So before I would go on

629
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:23,200
Speaker 1: first dates, I used to have three or four affirmations

630
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,800
Speaker 1: that I would always tell myself. I would get ready,

631
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 1: I would listen to a specific playlist that I had made,

632
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:32,640
Speaker 1: filled with like music that was over one hundred beats

633
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:37,240
Speaker 1: per minute, so like high energy, exciting, And then before

634
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: I would leave, I would repeat these four affirmations three

635
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:43,399
Speaker 1: to four affirmations to myself in the mirror. The first one,

636
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,960
Speaker 1: I already have everything I need in life. Love is

637
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:52,359
Speaker 1: just a bonus. That was my favorite. The second, I

638
00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 1: am enigmatic, The third, I am masterful. The fourth I'm confident.

639
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,600
Speaker 1: The words that you speak to yourself become reality. We

640
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:07,520
Speaker 1: see that time and time again in studies and research

641
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,919
Speaker 1: on positive self talk. You can let yourself and your

642
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:15,160
Speaker 1: sense of self be dictated by external judgments and other

643
00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:19,120
Speaker 1: people's opinions, or you can take all of that information

644
00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:22,080
Speaker 1: and say, none of this is as important as what

645
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 1: I have to say about myself, the judgments I have

646
00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:27,480
Speaker 1: of myself, how well I feel in my own body.

647
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:31,080
Speaker 1: Right before I would go into the date like I

648
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:34,680
Speaker 1: had done my positive self talk, I had done my music,

649
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:36,919
Speaker 1: I had done all these little small things that made

650
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 1: me feel like I was gonna have fun. I would

651
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:42,360
Speaker 1: do this like physical exercise where I would stand outside

652
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:44,719
Speaker 1: and I would right before I would go in, put

653
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 1: my chest up, shoulders back, and I would just like

654
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 1: shake everything out. I do this like huge smile, and

655
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,960
Speaker 1: I would just imagine all this energy lifting from my

656
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,520
Speaker 1: toes all the way to my head, and I would

657
00:39:57,560 --> 00:39:59,239
Speaker 1: just be ready to have a fun time. And I

658
00:39:59,239 --> 00:40:01,760
Speaker 1: would go in being like this could be the worst

659
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 1: date I ever go on, but at least it's going

660
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,400
Speaker 1: to be a good story. And at least there is

661
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 1: nothing that this person can say or do that's going

662
00:40:09,040 --> 00:40:11,760
Speaker 1: to make me feel bad about myself because I've already

663
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,640
Speaker 1: kind of put on this emotional armor. I used to

664
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:19,439
Speaker 1: call this like the high value person mindset. Basically, I

665
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:22,920
Speaker 1: was doing everything in my power to convince myself first

666
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:26,719
Speaker 1: and foremost that I was valuable, I was deserving a love,

667
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 1: respect effort, that I was magnetic. I needed to make

668
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:32,719
Speaker 1: sure I believed that about me before I was trying

669
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,560
Speaker 1: to convince someone else. Often, because if you really do

670
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:39,040
Speaker 1: believe that about yourself someone else is going to immediately

671
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:43,640
Speaker 1: feel drawn to you. As humans, we love when other people,

672
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:48,440
Speaker 1: when we can see other people respect themselves, and when

673
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,919
Speaker 1: they are confident, and when they know that they're the shit.

674
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:56,280
Speaker 1: So my final tip for reclaiming your power in dating

675
00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:04,000
Speaker 1: is to reframe rejection as filtering. Research on rejection sensitivity

676
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:11,200
Speaker 1: shows that we obviously personalize rejection and we immediately assume

677
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:17,120
Speaker 1: that it's always coming down to something about us rather

678
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:21,800
Speaker 1: than about someone else's preferences. This is not a you problem.

679
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:25,400
Speaker 1: If someone doesn't like you, I need you to understand

680
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,960
Speaker 1: that it is their way of doing exactly what I'm

681
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:34,400
Speaker 1: asking you to do, which is advocate for yourself. And

682
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 1: the thing is, if they know that you're not the

683
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:40,920
Speaker 1: right match for them, it's actually a real gift that

684
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:44,640
Speaker 1: they have made that clear early on, instead of convincing

685
00:41:44,719 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: you and trying to convince themselves that this could work.

686
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:52,560
Speaker 1: This is all just a form of filtering. Rejection is

687
00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:57,320
Speaker 1: a way of weeding out incompatible partners before you invest

688
00:41:57,840 --> 00:42:01,520
Speaker 1: too much, too soon, too early, And the fact that

689
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,240
Speaker 1: someone else has done it for you is great because

690
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,520
Speaker 1: eventually you would have found some reason to reject them,

691
00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 1: and you may have felt pretty awful about it. They've

692
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:13,799
Speaker 1: saved you the pain, They've saved you the stress. They've

693
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,920
Speaker 1: also saved you the cognitive and mental effort of having

694
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,319
Speaker 1: to figure that out for them. The right person is

695
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:23,520
Speaker 1: going to come along and all of those rejections are

696
00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:26,560
Speaker 1: going to feel worth it. And I just want you

697
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:30,040
Speaker 1: to be someone that your soulmate would fall in love with.

698
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,799
Speaker 1: You know, I know this sounds bizarre, but when I

699
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:36,840
Speaker 1: went through that really terrible period, I remember saying to myself,

700
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:39,759
Speaker 1: I just don't think my soulmate would fall in love

701
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:42,840
Speaker 1: with me right now because I have no love for myself,

702
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:46,719
Speaker 1: and because I'm not, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be in

703
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,759
Speaker 1: this situation ready to see them for who they are.

704
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,120
Speaker 1: They could anyone could give me the smallest amount of interests,

705
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,520
Speaker 1: and I would confuse them as a soulmate, so I'm

706
00:42:56,560 --> 00:43:01,600
Speaker 1: not actually able to delineate or tell. And most importantly,

707
00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:04,240
Speaker 1: they could show me all the love in the world,

708
00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:07,040
Speaker 1: and at some level I would crave it, but at

709
00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:11,239
Speaker 1: another level I would think I didn't deserve it. So seriously,

710
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:15,800
Speaker 1: the focus has to be on you at every single

711
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:18,440
Speaker 1: stage until this person proves them to prove themselves to

712
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,960
Speaker 1: be a partner like you, will find so much more

713
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 1: success in dating when you make it a completely selfish activity,

714
00:43:28,000 --> 00:43:31,839
Speaker 1: when you focus on yourself, and when you realize once

715
00:43:31,880 --> 00:43:35,640
Speaker 1: again you already have everything you need in life. This

716
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:39,799
Speaker 1: is just a bonus. All Right, We're going to take

717
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:43,239
Speaker 1: another little short break before we come back with our

718
00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:48,360
Speaker 1: listener questions and our listener dilemmas around reclaiming power in dating.

719
00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:56,080
Speaker 1: So stay with us. So question one from a listener,

720
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:59,000
Speaker 1: I get attached way too quickly. But I like that,

721
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:02,920
Speaker 1: I love people. D how do I balance those I

722
00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:06,239
Speaker 1: want to firstly say, I actually don't think that it's

723
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:10,040
Speaker 1: a bad thing to get attached too quickly. I know

724
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:13,200
Speaker 1: it can like feel kind of painful for us. But

725
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:16,400
Speaker 1: if the reason you don't like that you get attached

726
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:19,680
Speaker 1: too quickly is because other people shame you for it,

727
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:23,440
Speaker 1: or because you feel like people get scared off, I

728
00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:25,839
Speaker 1: don't think they're the one. I don't think that they're

729
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:28,680
Speaker 1: the one if you put everything on the table and

730
00:44:28,719 --> 00:44:32,759
Speaker 1: they go, oh, that's awkward. So the shame around getting

731
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:36,360
Speaker 1: attached too quickly, I'll never understand. What I do understand

732
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 1: is the difficulty that comes with seeing people for their

733
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:44,160
Speaker 1: potential and not for what they're actually going to give you,

734
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:47,560
Speaker 1: or for their actions or for who they are. So

735
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,319
Speaker 1: I would say for the first month, if you get

736
00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:55,239
Speaker 1: attached too quickly, just roll back the emotional investment so

737
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:59,120
Speaker 1: you're not completely cutting them off. I've often had this

738
00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:01,799
Speaker 1: problem in the past where I know I can get

739
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:05,680
Speaker 1: attached really really quickly, so I kind of deny myself

740
00:45:05,719 --> 00:45:09,279
Speaker 1: any access to that person, thinking that it's gonna stop things. No,

741
00:45:09,400 --> 00:45:12,759
Speaker 1: what we want is a balanced access, So limit how

742
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:15,960
Speaker 1: much you see them, don't try and rush the timeline.

743
00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:20,440
Speaker 1: In fact, create milestones for you now that you have

744
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:23,560
Speaker 1: to have to stick to. So basically, create like a

745
00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:27,680
Speaker 1: calendar for yourself that you know this person isn't allowed

746
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:31,760
Speaker 1: to meet your friends before week six, no overnight stays

747
00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:36,040
Speaker 1: before week four, no weekend trips before week eight, don't

748
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:40,920
Speaker 1: meet the parents before month three. Basically, despite everything that

749
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:42,880
Speaker 1: you want to do, I want you to commit to

750
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:47,160
Speaker 1: these previous limits that you have put on any relationship

751
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:49,680
Speaker 1: that you are in, such that you don't end up

752
00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 1: speeding down this road and it ends up being a

753
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:55,279
Speaker 1: dead end street and you crash at the end. And

754
00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:59,360
Speaker 1: you feel, you know, a bit embarrassed for having introduce

755
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:02,200
Speaker 1: them to family or having made such an investment of

756
00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 1: time and energy in them before they prove themselves to you.

757
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:09,680
Speaker 1: So spend as much time as you can getting to

758
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:13,520
Speaker 1: know them before you progress to that next stage of

759
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,880
Speaker 1: a relationship. All right, So question number two, should you

760
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:20,759
Speaker 1: hold off on sex to reclaim your power? This is

761
00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 1: an interesting one because I feel like this idea of

762
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:27,000
Speaker 1: holding off sex kind of comes from like a purity

763
00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: culture perspective, But I do also think that sometimes we

764
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:34,000
Speaker 1: use sex as a way to like make someone like

765
00:46:34,120 --> 00:46:38,280
Speaker 1: us a little bit too soon. When I was single,

766
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:42,800
Speaker 1: I found that when you slept with someone didn't really

767
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,879
Speaker 1: matter because if they were going to respect you, they

768
00:46:46,920 --> 00:46:50,040
Speaker 1: would regardless of when you chose to be intimate, if

769
00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:52,200
Speaker 1: you slept with them on the first date versus the

770
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,640
Speaker 1: tenth date. If that person was real and if they

771
00:46:55,680 --> 00:47:00,359
Speaker 1: really liked you, it wouldn't scare them off, so they

772
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:03,239
Speaker 1: were involved as well. You know, it's not like they're

773
00:47:03,239 --> 00:47:05,480
Speaker 1: thinking you're giving it up too early and that's a

774
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:08,960
Speaker 1: sign that like you're this impure person or like that

775
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:12,360
Speaker 1: you're loose, because they are equally doing it so that

776
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:16,480
Speaker 1: logic like you never really made sense for me. For me,

777
00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:20,160
Speaker 1: I think reclaiming my power was deciding that if I

778
00:47:20,160 --> 00:47:22,000
Speaker 1: wanted to have sex on the first day, that was fine.

779
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,919
Speaker 1: If I wanted to have sex on the twentieth date,

780
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:27,840
Speaker 1: that was also fine. My power came from deciding for myself.

781
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,399
Speaker 1: My power came from not being rushed into it and

782
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:34,239
Speaker 1: making sure that I examined my intentions so that the

783
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:37,359
Speaker 1: only reason I was doing it wasn't just to, you know,

784
00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:39,640
Speaker 1: keep them for a little bit longer because I thought

785
00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:42,360
Speaker 1: that's what they wanted from me. I just think properly

786
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:45,480
Speaker 1: evaluate what tone you want to set, what you're after,

787
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:49,879
Speaker 1: and whether you feel like emotionally prepared for that vulnerability,

788
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:53,360
Speaker 1: whether you would be okay with sleeping with them and

789
00:47:53,440 --> 00:47:57,120
Speaker 1: not wanting anything serious, whether you feel like you need

790
00:47:57,160 --> 00:47:59,000
Speaker 1: to have sex with them just for them to like you,

791
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:00,880
Speaker 1: like if that's your only reason, and definitely don't have

792
00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:03,040
Speaker 1: sex with them, but if it feels like a natural

793
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:05,920
Speaker 1: progression of the relationship and if you want to do it,

794
00:48:06,480 --> 00:48:10,480
Speaker 1: you should totally totally do it. I think again, it

795
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:13,880
Speaker 1: comes back to playing games. If someone isn't going to

796
00:48:13,960 --> 00:48:17,799
Speaker 1: respect you or isn't going to make you feel in

797
00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:21,160
Speaker 1: control or you're not going to feel powerful if you

798
00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:23,680
Speaker 1: have sex with them, don't do it. But yes, I

799
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:26,360
Speaker 1: don't think that. I don't know. I don't want to

800
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:29,200
Speaker 1: say it doesn't really matter, because it does matter. But

801
00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:32,080
Speaker 1: I think that if it's going to change someone's opinion

802
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:34,799
Speaker 1: of you, then they're probably not the right person, all right.

803
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:37,560
Speaker 1: Question number three, how to put yourself out there when

804
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:40,760
Speaker 1: you've never been in a relationship before. This is actually

805
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:42,759
Speaker 1: a question I get quite a lot. I think there

806
00:48:42,760 --> 00:48:46,680
Speaker 1: are a lot more late bloomers in our twenties and

807
00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:49,759
Speaker 1: in this decade than we imagine. There is a huge

808
00:48:49,800 --> 00:48:54,640
Speaker 1: focus on dating and sex and having these romantic experiences

809
00:48:54,680 --> 00:48:57,200
Speaker 1: as like a ride of passage. If you're not quite

810
00:48:57,280 --> 00:49:01,040
Speaker 1: there yet. Honestly, I'm excited for you. I really am

811
00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:03,920
Speaker 1: quite excited for you because there is so much really

812
00:49:04,360 --> 00:49:07,319
Speaker 1: amazing stuff to come, and the experience of falling in

813
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:10,320
Speaker 1: love for the first time and having your first boyfriend

814
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:13,120
Speaker 1: or girlfriend or partner like it is. Actually it's just

815
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:17,360
Speaker 1: a really fun experience. So don't feel like you've fallen behind.

816
00:49:17,719 --> 00:49:20,560
Speaker 1: Feel like there is just so much opportunity ahead of you.

817
00:49:20,640 --> 00:49:23,360
Speaker 1: I wish sometimes that I could go back and experience

818
00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:26,399
Speaker 1: falling in love again for the first time, all over again,

819
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:29,279
Speaker 1: because it is so beautiful. But in terms of dealing

820
00:49:29,320 --> 00:49:31,319
Speaker 1: with the insecurity of going out there and feeling like,

821
00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:33,719
Speaker 1: oh my god, everyone like I've never dated before, this

822
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:37,000
Speaker 1: is a new thing. Shift your mindset to think of

823
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:40,200
Speaker 1: it like an experiment and it makes it feel less serious.

824
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:44,760
Speaker 1: So commit to like a three month experiment of asking

825
00:49:44,800 --> 00:49:48,160
Speaker 1: people out, being forward, getting on the app or getting

826
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:51,480
Speaker 1: on the apps, making the first move, asking friends to

827
00:49:51,520 --> 00:49:54,040
Speaker 1: set you up, and just go on as many dates

828
00:49:54,040 --> 00:49:58,759
Speaker 1: as you can. Whether it's amazing, terrible, awful, it's all data,

829
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:02,879
Speaker 1: it's all research. Each experience is an important one, even

830
00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:06,000
Speaker 1: if it's bad, because it's all about getting comfortable with

831
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:11,200
Speaker 1: being visible and being seen and building up those dating skills,

832
00:50:11,239 --> 00:50:13,959
Speaker 1: because it really is such a skill to be able

833
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:16,399
Speaker 1: to talk to someone that you don't know and find

834
00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:18,839
Speaker 1: out the information that you want to know. And it

835
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:21,360
Speaker 1: is a real skill to be vulnerable, and it is

836
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:24,839
Speaker 1: a real skill to have confidence in these situations and

837
00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:27,879
Speaker 1: to be self assured. So I think you just need

838
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:31,960
Speaker 1: to move past firstly that mental barrier and then the

839
00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:36,240
Speaker 1: social barrier. And just get more experience up. I'm actually

840
00:50:36,239 --> 00:50:38,360
Speaker 1: just so excited for people who are in this situation.

841
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:41,880
Speaker 1: I feel like not being in a relationship feels like

842
00:50:41,960 --> 00:50:45,239
Speaker 1: a burden, especially if you're at a certain age, but

843
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: actually it's kind of a blessing because you get to

844
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:51,480
Speaker 1: be more mature when you step into your first relationship

845
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:55,879
Speaker 1: and you've saved like such a beautiful thing to come

846
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:57,840
Speaker 1: a little bit later, so you have more time to

847
00:50:57,920 --> 00:51:01,000
Speaker 1: really savor it. So I don't want to be like

848
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:04,080
Speaker 1: toxic positivity on you. I do just want you to

849
00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:07,279
Speaker 1: see like the grass is greener perspective, you know, as

850
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 1: someone who's been in quite a few relationships who started

851
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:12,400
Speaker 1: dating really early, Like sometimes I do look at the

852
00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:15,279
Speaker 1: experiences of people who have waited a bit longer and

853
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:17,279
Speaker 1: have just been like, wow, I'm really excited for you,

854
00:51:17,320 --> 00:51:21,120
Speaker 1: and it's quite a magical time, all right. Fourth and

855
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:23,719
Speaker 1: final question for today, how to come back from a

856
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:28,200
Speaker 1: horrible date that you feel completely defeated by one word

857
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:32,040
Speaker 1: and one word only, it's humor. It's humor. Laugh about

858
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,520
Speaker 1: it with your friends, Treat it like a good story,

859
00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:37,200
Speaker 1: even write like a funny story about it in your notes.

860
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,160
Speaker 1: App Like almost in the sense of this is a

861
00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:43,840
Speaker 1: story that could go in like your biography or whatever,

862
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:47,960
Speaker 1: and just remember that we've all been there. These are

863
00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:52,879
Speaker 1: the stories that I think really exhaust us. Right, We've

864
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:55,439
Speaker 1: all been through a really terrible date where we thought

865
00:51:55,440 --> 00:51:57,799
Speaker 1: it was going to go really really amazing, and this

866
00:51:57,840 --> 00:52:00,480
Speaker 1: person has just been rude, They've not been what we expected.

867
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:04,240
Speaker 1: It just hasn't turned out right. It's all for the plot.

868
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,920
Speaker 1: And the first thing I would do is call your friends,

869
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:11,040
Speaker 1: laugh about it with them, write about it, post like

870
00:52:11,080 --> 00:52:14,000
Speaker 1: a funny private Instagram, sorry, just anything so that you

871
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:18,040
Speaker 1: can turn away from despair and to laughter, because I

872
00:52:18,040 --> 00:52:20,239
Speaker 1: think if you let those bad dates really get you down,

873
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:24,000
Speaker 1: you're going to start expecting a bad date from every

874
00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:27,000
Speaker 1: single person, and then you start acting like they've already

875
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:29,840
Speaker 1: disappointed you, and then you both end up disappointed. So

876
00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:33,640
Speaker 1: keep it light, keep it fun, keep it airy, and

877
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,799
Speaker 1: remember that if this person has problems that they've projected

878
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 1: on you, and if they've treated you poorly or just

879
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:44,640
Speaker 1: been like a dick, that all comes down to their insecurity.

880
00:52:44,960 --> 00:52:48,800
Speaker 1: Please don't let them drag you down as well. Don't

881
00:52:49,080 --> 00:52:52,959
Speaker 1: let them make you think that you don't deserve love

882
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:55,040
Speaker 1: and don't make them think that the next day isn't

883
00:52:55,040 --> 00:52:58,040
Speaker 1: going to be better, because I promise that it will be.

884
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:00,719
Speaker 1: Sometimes it is just a numbers game. I don't know.

885
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:03,080
Speaker 1: There's so many theories about this. It's a numbers game.

886
00:53:03,120 --> 00:53:05,560
Speaker 1: It happens when you least expect it. There's one soul

887
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:09,480
Speaker 1: mate for all of us. I think the defining theme

888
00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:13,200
Speaker 1: of dating in your twenties and reclaiming your power during

889
00:53:13,200 --> 00:53:16,759
Speaker 1: this period is just to go out there and have

890
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:21,640
Speaker 1: fun and be open to the opportunity of romance, even

891
00:53:21,680 --> 00:53:23,839
Speaker 1: if you've been burnt before. So I want to thank

892
00:53:23,880 --> 00:53:26,440
Speaker 1: you all for listening. If you made it this far,

893
00:53:26,600 --> 00:53:29,359
Speaker 1: drop a little rose emoji down below. I love knowing

894
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:31,960
Speaker 1: how many of you listen to the full episode. It

895
00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:34,600
Speaker 1: always makes me feel so so special. If you have

896
00:53:34,719 --> 00:53:38,600
Speaker 1: further like dating dilemmas or questions about reclaiming your power,

897
00:53:38,640 --> 00:53:41,480
Speaker 1: also drop them in the comments. I'll be around answering

898
00:53:41,520 --> 00:53:43,880
Speaker 1: some of them. Make sure that you are following us

899
00:53:43,960 --> 00:53:46,280
Speaker 1: on Instagram so that if you have your own listener

900
00:53:46,360 --> 00:53:50,600
Speaker 1: question for future episodes, you are around to ask them

901
00:53:50,640 --> 00:53:52,799
Speaker 1: and you know when they are going up. If you

902
00:53:52,840 --> 00:53:56,000
Speaker 1: haven't already, make sure you subscribe to us on YouTube.

903
00:53:56,000 --> 00:54:00,160
Speaker 1: We have video coming out very very soon, and hello

904
00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:03,520
Speaker 1: along the podcast right here where you are now. Give

905
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:06,279
Speaker 1: us a five star review. Join the community. We'd love

906
00:54:06,320 --> 00:54:08,560
Speaker 1: to have you around, and we'd love to let you

907
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:11,319
Speaker 1: know when we have new episodes, dropping twice a week

908
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:15,200
Speaker 1: every Tuesday and Friday. But until next time, stay safe,

909
00:54:15,560 --> 00:54:19,920
Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle with yourself, especially in today's dating climate,

910
00:54:20,280 --> 00:54:21,759
Speaker 1: and we will talk very very soon,