Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: America has always been home to titans of industry, but
Speaker 1: only one capitalist and history has ever been this much
Speaker 1: of a Georgian.
Speaker 3: I'm Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 4: I'm the founder of Amazon dot Com.
Speaker 1: This is the daily showography of Jeff Bezos, History's most
Speaker 1: powerful nerd. Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico,
Speaker 1: Jeff's identity asserted itself early.
Speaker 4: I was very nerdy and good student.
Speaker 3: I liked school.
Speaker 1: His favorite place in the world was radio Shack, where
Speaker 1: he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China,
Speaker 1: and underpaying workers. After graduating from high school as valedictorian,
Speaker 1: Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds.
Speaker 3: Socially, I was a little awkward.
Speaker 4: I didn't really date much until like my last year
Speaker 4: of college. Actually, I so sort of a formal plan
Speaker 4: to date. I'll had all my friends something up on
Speaker 4: blind dates. None of them worked out very well.
Speaker 1: Yes, despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found
Speaker 1: the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe.
Speaker 1: After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On
Speaker 1: Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money,
Speaker 1: his future ex wife, Mackenzie Scott. She would later tell
Speaker 1: Vogue Magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall
Speaker 1: in love with him. Hey, sometimes love is blind and death.
Speaker 1: It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the
Speaker 1: world was changing.
Speaker 3: Came across the startling statistic that web usage was growing
Speaker 3: at twenty three hundred percent a year. So I decided
Speaker 3: I would try and find a business plan that made
Speaker 3: sense in the context of that growth, and I picked
Speaker 3: books as the first best product to sell online.
Speaker 1: With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a
Speaker 1: garage to work from, and mc hammer Khaki's Bezos launched
Speaker 1: his empireot Within a few years, Amazon went from online
Speaker 1: bookseller to Wall Street Darling to the so called everything store.
Speaker 1: Third party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website,
Speaker 1: from stuff to put in your butt to stuff you
Speaker 1: shouldn't put in your butt but will anyway because you're
Speaker 1: not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm,
Speaker 1: and while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in
Speaker 1: the world.
Speaker 4: My watch updates itself from the atomic clock thirty six
Speaker 4: times a day, if that gives you an indication.
Speaker 1: He was driving Amazon into the future, a future of
Speaker 1: non stop grow. How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into
Speaker 1: a life sized Oscar statue by using his big nerdy
Speaker 1: brain to devise a perfect growth plan to expand his
Speaker 1: business and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed
Speaker 1: a net worth of two hundred billion dollars, money that
Speaker 1: he's used to make the world a better place. Sure,
Speaker 1: he spent some of it on a super yacht that
Speaker 1: has its own yacht in the world's fastest jet and
Speaker 1: like a shit ton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric
Speaker 1: bear skeleton, and some gigantic clock that only takes once
Speaker 1: a year. But he also gave back. Yeah, Bezos paid
Speaker 1: zero federal income taxes for two years. Maybe not to
Speaker 1: his country, but he has given nearly one point five
Speaker 1: percent of his net worth to charity. And while he
Speaker 1: didn't share much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he
Speaker 1: definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has
Speaker 1: gone before.
Speaker 5: Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because.
Speaker 6: Of Amazon's stringent quotas keep them too busy to go
Speaker 6: to the bathroom.
Speaker 1: You know what they say, Teach a man to fish,
Speaker 1: he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss
Speaker 1: in a bottle while he eats his fish, he only
Speaker 1: has to take a two minute lunch break. Jeff's plan
Speaker 1: was working perfectly, but there was one thing his plan
Speaker 1: didn't take into account, that all his success would go
Speaker 1: to his head.
Speaker 2: The National Inquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 2: The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his girlfriend,
Speaker 2: Lauren Sanchez led to the end of his marriage.
Speaker 1: With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was
Speaker 1: most important to him in all the world, thirty eight
Speaker 1: billion dollars. Jeff had hit rock bottom. He had literally
Speaker 1: showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce
Speaker 1: back by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket powered
Speaker 1: dick and riding it to the Cosmos.
Speaker 6: Tonight mission accomplished. Jeff Bezos launches into.
Speaker 1: Space in the first unpiloted, fully civilian suble riddled flight. Yes,
Speaker 1: Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shipped himself
Speaker 1: into the stars. Bezos had finally done it. He finally
Speaker 1: made space travels seem uncool.
Speaker 3: I also, I want to thank every Amazon employee and
Speaker 3: every Amazon customer because you guys paid for all of this.
Speaker 1: And now the world knows the real Jeff Bezos as
Speaker 1: well as Jeff Bezos knows himself.
Speaker 4: I always worked really hard.
Speaker 3: I was nerdy.
Speaker 2: You were nerdy.
Speaker 4: I was nerdy. That hasn't changed, by the way.
Speaker 6: Let's take a moment to get into business and talk
Speaker 6: about Amazon. They're the reason you were able to do
Speaker 6: all of your holiday shopping without wearing pants. That shit
Speaker 6: doesn't fly it best by trust me, I've tried, and
Speaker 6: now Amazon is finding new ways to keep you coming back.
Speaker 5: Amazon is sending shoppers free samples curated to their tastes
Speaker 5: as part of the company's push into advertising axios, reporting
Speaker 5: products free of charge that you may like are going
Speaker 5: to show up on your doorstep, and it's all based
Speaker 5: on your purchase history on the website.
Speaker 6: Okay, I like the idea, but how's Amazon going to
Speaker 6: send you a sample of something? I mean, I get
Speaker 6: how that would work with like food or shampoo, But
Speaker 6: Amazon sells everything. Are they gonna send you like half
Speaker 6: a TV, the handle of a coffee mug, just the
Speaker 6: tip of a dildo. You're like, if you enjoyed this sample,
Speaker 6: you'll love the shaft but free samples aren't the biggest
Speaker 6: story about Amazon today because just this morning, Jeff Bezos,
Speaker 6: Amazon CEO and the winner of Capitalism, announced that he
Speaker 6: and his wife, Mackenzie, are getting divorced. Now, we joke
Speaker 6: a lot about Amazon, but it is sad to see
Speaker 6: any relationship not workout. Thankfully, it does sound amicable, and
Speaker 6: we wish both of them the best because at the
Speaker 6: end of the day, we're all people here. We know
Speaker 6: how it feels to go through a tough breakup. I
Speaker 6: don't think there's a joke about that. Unless you are
Speaker 6: a financial analyst at CNBC, then there is something funny,
Speaker 6: you know, because you you watch these people who are
Speaker 6: trying to talk about human emotions on air for the
Speaker 6: very first time.
Speaker 5: Jeff Bezos tweets a few moments ago that he's getting divorced.
Speaker 6: Yeah, that was somewhat surprise him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Mackenzie Bezos will become one of the richest people.
Speaker 6: In the world. Unclear what and where her interests may
Speaker 6: lie in terms of that. Listen, you know, I don't
Speaker 6: care if the richest guy in the world or not.
Speaker 1: Getting divorce is is never fun. I'm sure you know
Speaker 1: it's the crazest thing to tweet this.
Speaker 6: It is. I don't know what else to say other
Speaker 6: than the fact that he didn't need to do it,
Speaker 6: and the man tweeted it.
Speaker 1: You didn't need to.
Speaker 7: Yeah, a lot of times you kind of.
Speaker 3: Don't really kind of talk about it kind of, you know,
Speaker 3: I mean kind of, I mean, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6: Kind yeah, right, well right, it's like, wow, business Louis
Speaker 6: c Ko. But they didn't do well with that information.
Speaker 6: Uh yeah, Emotional news is not his strong suit and
Speaker 6: I'm glad he's on CNBC and not working as a veterinarian.
Speaker 6: You know, it's just be like, so you're a cat,
Speaker 6: he kind of you know, his his thyroid and then
Speaker 6: he's kidney kind of which for felines I don't know.
Speaker 6: But anyway, here's these ashes, you know what i mean.
Speaker 6: So law on the Bezos divorce, I'm joined by our
Speaker 6: financial analysts. Does he, like, like everybody as as awkward
Speaker 6: as CNBC's divorce therapist. You can't deny that there is
Speaker 6: a huge financial aspect to this story.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, now that's true, Trevor. This is a huge deal.
Speaker 1: Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world and
Speaker 1: under Washington state law, he has to split everything he's
Speaker 1: earned during their marriage fifty to fifty. McKenzie Bezos will
Speaker 1: get sixty six billion dollars. Yeah, this is the biggest
Speaker 1: transfer of wealth since Warren Buffett left his debit card
Speaker 1: at McDonald's drive through.
Speaker 6: Sixty six billion dollars. I can't imagine having that much money,
Speaker 6: let alone losing that much money.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you're really rich, Trevor. I mean, there was
Speaker 1: a whole week where you just paid us to speak
Speaker 1: for you. But look, Jeff Bezos will be fine. Don't
Speaker 1: worry about Jeff Bezos. Okay, he'll be fine. He's still
Speaker 1: gonna have sixty six billion dollars. I mean, he's not
Speaker 1: gonna be one of those divorce dads eating spaghettios over
Speaker 1: the sink of his studio apartment. He'll be eating spaghettios
Speaker 1: over the Mediterranean from the third story of his yacht. Oh,
Speaker 1: which reminds me this story is brought to you by spaghettios. Spaghettios.
Speaker 1: Divorce is hard, but so is boiling pasta.
Speaker 6: Actually, Dosi, some of us like spaghetios for the flavo
Speaker 6: in the shapes, you know, But whatever, So you think
Speaker 6: this divorce settlement is fair?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, definitely. A marriage is a partnership. Mackenzie
Speaker 1: Bezos twenty five years helping her husband grow his business
Speaker 1: and grow his swagger. I mean, look at that. He
Speaker 1: went from fleated pants salesman to jacked up arms dealer.
Speaker 1: Am I right, Yeah, it's totally fair. Look, but that
Speaker 1: chapter is now closed. Okay, it's over now, And this
Speaker 1: next phase is crucial. You have a wealthy person navigating
Speaker 1: a painful time in their lives, unsure about what to
Speaker 1: do next. And here's where I cannot stress this enough.
Speaker 1: It is so important to get married again right away.
Speaker 1: Find some someone blonde who will take care of you,
Speaker 1: you know, like a like a city gal who also
Speaker 1: feels at home on your private island. Someone who will
Speaker 1: divorce my husband at the drop of a hat.
Speaker 6: Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa Wait WAITSI does he
Speaker 6: come on? This is weird. Just come on the show
Speaker 6: to pitch yourself as a spouse for Jeff Bezos.
Speaker 1: Oh whoa, whoa what?
Speaker 6: No? How dare you? Trevor?
Speaker 1: No, I am pitching myself as this else for Mackenzie Bezos. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this woman, this woman is beautiful. She's an accomplished author,
Speaker 1: She's studied under Tony Morrison at Princeton.
Speaker 6: And now she's worth sixty six billion dollars.
Speaker 1: Oh is she rights?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 1: No, yes, now she has worth sixty six billion dollars.
Speaker 1: I mean you say she's a whole package. Mackenzie, call me.
Speaker 1: I can be on a plane tomorrow or today if
Speaker 1: you use Prime the future.
Speaker 6: Missus, Mackenzie Bezos says, held like everyone Jeff Bezos. Two
Speaker 6: months ago, the Amazon CEO and shaved muppet revealed that
Speaker 6: his nude photos had been leaked to the National Enquirer.
Speaker 6: That's right. They somehow got pictures of his Amazon package,
Speaker 6: and now the big surprise is how they may have
Speaker 6: gotten them.
Speaker 8: This morning, an exclusive new claim that Amazon CEO Jeff
Speaker 8: Bezos was targeted in an alleged phone hacking scheme conducted
Speaker 8: by Saudi Arabia. Bezos launched his own private investigation in
Speaker 8: an effort to determine who leaked the intimate text messages
Speaker 8: and racy photos published in a bombshell National Inquirer story
Speaker 8: about the billionaire's extra marital affair with girlfriend Lauren Sanchez.
Speaker 8: Our investigators and several experts concluded with high confidence that
Speaker 8: the Saudis had access to Bezos's phone and gained private information.
Speaker 6: Okay, I give up. If the world's biggest tech CEO
Speaker 6: can get his phone hacked, the rest of us don't
Speaker 6: stand the chance. Now, I'm serious. I'm just gonna go
Speaker 6: ahead and send my dick picture Saudi Arabia right now.
Speaker 6: Save them the trouble. They've probably like, no, Trevor, we
Speaker 6: don't want to see. Are too late? Too late? You
Speaker 6: got them all? The third one's my favorites. But seriously, though,
Speaker 6: like you would think that Jeff Bezos would be impossible
Speaker 6: to but I guess at the same time it is
Speaker 6: Jeff Bezos, which means you can probably get into his
Speaker 6: face ID using any thumb.
Speaker 1: Ah.
Speaker 6: But all right, let's move on. Amazon. It's the reason
Speaker 6: you stayed up until three am reading reviews of paper clips. Yesterday,
Speaker 6: founder and evil doorknob Jeff Bezos announced that he'll be
Speaker 6: stepping down at CEO to become the company's executive chair,
Speaker 6: where he'll dedicate his time to things like philanthropy and
Speaker 6: space travel. And can I just say, you know you're
Speaker 6: rich when you're like, I'm retiring to spend more time
Speaker 6: with other planets. Although if we're honest, he's not exactly retiring, right.
Speaker 6: Jeff Bezos says he's transitioning to the role of executive chair. Now.
Speaker 6: I don't know exactly what an executive chair is, but
Speaker 6: I looked it up on Google and it looks like this,
Speaker 6: and I guess that's just a perk of being a billionaire.
Speaker 6: You can get plastic surgery to look like a chair
Speaker 6: and still have money to go to space. I mean,
Speaker 6: whatever makes you happy, man. What I was like, like's
Speaker 6: a position either way. I just wanted to say congratulations
Speaker 6: to Jeff Bezos. I mean, what he created is a
Speaker 6: testament to the power of innovation and the simple dream
Speaker 6: of destroying bookstores. Now, in case you're worried, Jeff Bezos
Speaker 6: will be fine without having a steady income. I mean, sure,
Speaker 6: he's no longer the richest person in the world after
Speaker 6: being passed by future Batman villain Elon Musk, but he's
Speaker 6: still worth one hundred and eighty four point six billion
Speaker 6: dollars and he made that money the way any billionaire does,
Speaker 6: hard work, smart investments, and mugging delivery guys.
Speaker 7: An other Amazon News the e commerce giant agreed to
Speaker 7: pay nearly sixty two million dollars to settle charges it
Speaker 7: skimmed tips for delivery drivers. The Federal Trade Commission says
Speaker 7: Amazon began pocketing some tips from customers to drivers between
Speaker 7: twenty sixteen and twenty nineteen. The FTC says the e
Speaker 7: commerce giant assured drivers who were part of the Amazon
Speaker 7: Flex program that they were still receiving all of their tips.
Speaker 6: No, I'm sorry, guys, know how rich do you have
Speaker 6: to be? Huh? Amazon is worth a trillion dollar trillion
Speaker 6: dollars and still it's sneaking tips away from its drivers.
Speaker 6: Like nah, man, no tip from that house either. I
Speaker 6: know it's crazy, right, but Amazon can get away with
Speaker 6: this because they're not a real person. You see, if
Speaker 6: a real person got caught at a boss stealing tips
Speaker 6: from the table, there'd be a fight. And maybe that's
Speaker 6: actually what needs to happen. You know, if a company
Speaker 6: does something that would get a person's ass beat, then
Speaker 6: that company has to pick an executive to get his
Speaker 6: ass beats. Yeah, that way, that'd be at least somebody
Speaker 6: at Amazon who would have said, no, guys, guys, guys,
Speaker 6: we're not stealing tips. I can't get thrown through another window. Guys,
Speaker 6: So just to point someone like that, you know, you
Speaker 6: can even give him a made up title like executive chair. Wait,
Speaker 6: so it's a real thing. Explore more shows from the
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