WEBVTT - The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 3

0:00:01.800 --> 0:00:06.760
<v Speaker 1>Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Bloomberg

0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:09.360
<v Speaker 1>is acting coy lay him what I've been working on?

0:00:09.400 --> 0:00:14.680
<v Speaker 1>I have nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, Bloomberg says. Pinky swears

0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:32.360
<v Speaker 1>are sacred. The Gimlet Media conference room is a blaze,

0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:36.960
<v Speaker 1>glowing with the brilliant light of the elephantine chandelier hanging

0:00:37.000 --> 0:00:40.040
<v Speaker 1>low enough to almost tickle the top of my balding pate.

0:00:41.120 --> 0:00:44.360
<v Speaker 1>But the room is made even more radiant by the luminous, young,

0:00:44.400 --> 0:00:48.600
<v Speaker 1>scrubbed faces of the Gimblet advertising team, the Gimlet Marketing team,

0:00:48.840 --> 0:00:52.960
<v Speaker 1>the Gimblet Brand Synergies team, the Gimlet Press outreach and

0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:57.800
<v Speaker 1>public relations team. In the room too is Michael, my

0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:02.200
<v Speaker 1>designated observer from People Off who ever since the Way

0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:06.959
<v Speaker 1>Too Casual Friday incident of twenty sixteen, has been assigned

0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:10.840
<v Speaker 1>to all my meetings. I watched the room watch me

0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:14.400
<v Speaker 1>for a full thirty seconds as I pull mightily on

0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:20.240
<v Speaker 1>the sliding glass door trying to enter the conference room. Finally,

0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:25.160
<v Speaker 1>my designated Michael comes to the rescue, opening the door

0:01:25.200 --> 0:01:27.800
<v Speaker 1>with a quick flick. He leads me over to the

0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:30.680
<v Speaker 1>head of the fifty foot long table and stuffs a

0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:35.360
<v Speaker 1>piece of paper in my hand. It reads meeting agenda

0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:43.360
<v Speaker 1>time two hours, speaker Jonathan Goldstein, purpose to report progress

0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:47.920
<v Speaker 1>on the new season of Heavyweight. It here bears mentioning

0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:52.280
<v Speaker 1>that the new season of Heavyweight is progressing poorly, very

0:01:52.480 --> 0:01:56.520
<v Speaker 1>very poorly. It might also bear mentioning that everyone in

0:01:56.560 --> 0:02:00.000
<v Speaker 1>the room except for me, is wearing a toilet seat

0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:13.760
<v Speaker 1>around their neck. Gimlet has a new sponsorship with Hoity

0:02:13.800 --> 0:02:17.919
<v Speaker 1>Toity Toilet Seats, a startup that crafts toilet seats from

0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:21.600
<v Speaker 1>a single piece of salvage timber and delivers them straight

0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:25.440
<v Speaker 1>to your door. The business teams are showing their support.

0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:29.480
<v Speaker 1>Hoity Toity Toilet Seats were designed by two graduates of

0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:34.000
<v Speaker 1>Stanford's prestigious School of Medical Fashion. The ad copy reads

0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:38.040
<v Speaker 1>wearing them around the neck like a Hawaiian lay promotes

0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:44.120
<v Speaker 1>proper posture. Flipping over the trifoled brochure reveals celebrity spokesperson

0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:48.560
<v Speaker 1>Harvey Kaitel insisting that not only are his Hoity toities

0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:51.560
<v Speaker 1>the height of hygiene and a soothing balm for his

0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:56.160
<v Speaker 1>near constant whiplash, but with the right shoes, they're perfect

0:02:56.200 --> 0:03:00.600
<v Speaker 1>for an evening on the town. Will Heavyweight be sponsored

0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:03.400
<v Speaker 1>by the good folks at Hoity Toity as well. I

0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:08.959
<v Speaker 1>ask Hoity Toity's focused on a different demo. Madison, head

0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:13.400
<v Speaker 1>of marketing, says, they're more Cardi B than Wilfrid B.

0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:17.799
<v Speaker 1>That's what I call Wilford Brimley. But we do have

0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:25.079
<v Speaker 1>some exciting sponsors for heavyweight, like what I ask adult undergarments,

0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:31.480
<v Speaker 1>she says, mobility scooters, orthopedic insoles, wheat, germ fiber supplements,

0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:37.840
<v Speaker 1>some super cool stuff. Awesome sauce, I say, so, how's

0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:42.080
<v Speaker 1>that quirky, self deprecating commentary of yours coming along? Asks

0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:45.680
<v Speaker 1>the senior VP of brand Synergies, a twenty three year

0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:51.480
<v Speaker 1>old toddler named Bryce. Super Awesome sauce, I say, wiping

0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:54.800
<v Speaker 1>the sweat along my hairline with a fish taco wrapper

0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:57.400
<v Speaker 1>from the pre eating lunch that I wasn't sure I

0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:01.880
<v Speaker 1>was allowed to eat, but which with reluctant, tensative rat

0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:05.840
<v Speaker 1>like bites and loud, nervous swallows. I've been eating without

0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:15.560
<v Speaker 1>cessation since I entered the room. Bryce twirls the artisanal

0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:20.039
<v Speaker 1>toilet plungeries carrying as a matching dandy stick, and suctions

0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:24.200
<v Speaker 1>it to the tabletop with a loud, thwacking sound. What's

0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:28.719
<v Speaker 1>the first episode about? What isn't it about? I ask?

0:04:29.760 --> 0:04:33.480
<v Speaker 1>I then try out a jolly, infectious laugh in order

0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:36.960
<v Speaker 1>to get the room laughing and establish a tone of

0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:40.800
<v Speaker 1>casual bonami. But what comes out of my mouth instead

0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:44.680
<v Speaker 1>sounds like a barking seal who's just eaten tainted yogurt,

0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:48.440
<v Speaker 1>has yogurt all over his seal whiskers, and has begun

0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:52.919
<v Speaker 1>barfing out shrimp, cocktails, scuba gear, and whatever else it

0:04:53.040 --> 0:04:58.279
<v Speaker 1>is seals normally eat. In the ensuing silence, Bryce asks

0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:02.200
<v Speaker 1>me to offer a little more detail. It's about this

0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:04.800
<v Speaker 1>teacher who once yelled at me and made me cry

0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:08.919
<v Speaker 1>in third grade. I say, I finally just tracked her down,

0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:14.799
<v Speaker 1>and asks Bryce, making eye contact and leaning forward exactly

0:05:14.920 --> 0:05:19.080
<v Speaker 1>fifteen degrees, as stipulated in gimblet Media's Good Listeners Make

0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:24.480
<v Speaker 1>Good Managers video tutorial. In an interesting twist, I say,

0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:28.719
<v Speaker 1>it turns out she died five years ago. I ended

0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:31.800
<v Speaker 1>up speaking with her hospice nurse who cared for her

0:05:31.839 --> 0:05:37.520
<v Speaker 1>in her last days, and asks Bryce, leaning forward an

0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:42.919
<v Speaker 1>additional five degrees. He says, I say she made no

0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:48.359
<v Speaker 1>mention of me. Bryce fiddles with his toilet seat. What

0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:52.480
<v Speaker 1>else you got, he asks, and the room erupts in laughter.

0:05:54.240 --> 0:06:01.120
<v Speaker 1>What else I got? I got nothing? As the sound

0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:04.279
<v Speaker 1>of the room's youthful titters stab at my ear drums,

0:06:04.720 --> 0:06:07.920
<v Speaker 1>I consider pitching a trip to England, where my unique

0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:12.240
<v Speaker 1>powers of interlocution might help solve Brexit, But that would

0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:15.600
<v Speaker 1>involve taking a trip to England, where the dampness might

0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:30.720
<v Speaker 1>amplify my trots into a full blown case of the scoots.

0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:34.719
<v Speaker 1>Desperate for an idea that was more local to my

0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:38.920
<v Speaker 1>personal bathroom, and with yogurt on the brain, I explained

0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:42.599
<v Speaker 1>how Gimblet media editor Jorge just was just telling me

0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:45.839
<v Speaker 1>how he'd been up all night after accidentally eating some

0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:50.520
<v Speaker 1>spoiled yogurt. I add some sly emphasis on the word

0:06:50.640 --> 0:06:56.160
<v Speaker 1>accidentally to up the intrigue. What if he had a

0:06:56.200 --> 0:06:59.760
<v Speaker 1>do over, I say, affecting the voice of a wizard

0:06:59.839 --> 0:07:04.680
<v Speaker 1>casting a magical spell, and could undo having eaten the yogurt,

0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:09.400
<v Speaker 1>not by barfing nine times like he already did, but

0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:15.560
<v Speaker 1>by not having eaten it in the first place. As

0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:19.800
<v Speaker 1>I speak, I wave my arms in theatrical suspense building

0:07:19.880 --> 0:07:25.120
<v Speaker 1>circles and slowly rise from the table, hypnotizing my brand

0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:30.360
<v Speaker 1>strategy biz marketing colleagues with a perfectly executed borsh belt bob,

0:07:30.760 --> 0:07:34.560
<v Speaker 1>an old Vaudeville trick designed to focus the audience's attention

0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:39.400
<v Speaker 1>onto the performer along with it, my voice grows louder

0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:44.960
<v Speaker 1>and louder as my pitch reaches an hysterical crescendo. If

0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:48.040
<v Speaker 1>you allow yourself to venture past the limits of your

0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:51.960
<v Speaker 1>earthly imagination, you might begin to envision what such a

0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:57.679
<v Speaker 1>do over might yield. With my eyes closed and head

0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:01.040
<v Speaker 1>tilted back, I shoot my arms out to each side,

0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:06.840
<v Speaker 1>bono style and fall into silence. I count down in

0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:14.200
<v Speaker 1>my head five, four, three, executing a perfect pocono'se pause,

0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:17.400
<v Speaker 1>an old Vaudeville trick designed to increase tension at the

0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:20.200
<v Speaker 1>end of a performance to a level so high that

0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:23.360
<v Speaker 1>the audience can't help but break it with a rapturous

0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:31.000
<v Speaker 1>standing ovation. Two and a half two one, Wait for it,

0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:36.679
<v Speaker 1>Wait a little longer for it. With no applause forthcoming,

0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:41.920
<v Speaker 1>I start the countdown again, three, two and a half,

0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:50.480
<v Speaker 1>two and one. When I open my eyes, the boardroom

0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:55.160
<v Speaker 1>is empty save for Michael, my people ops observer, who

0:08:55.280 --> 0:09:00.680
<v Speaker 1>is furiously scribbling angry notes or angrily scribbling fury notes.

0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:07.000
<v Speaker 1>Either way he avoids my gaze. On the table beside

0:09:07.000 --> 0:09:10.760
<v Speaker 1>me is a Gimlet brand Vellum note card. Written upon

0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:15.120
<v Speaker 1>it in big floury handwriting is a note from Bryce

0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:21.040
<v Speaker 1>loved your little skit bro ps. You've got three weeks

0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:25.720
<v Speaker 1>to cough up something or else. It's curtains for certains

0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:33.079
<v Speaker 1>XO XO Bryce. Cakes. All I've got is a big,

0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:37.040
<v Speaker 1>fat Canadian goose egg. It'd take three weeks alone just

0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:40.960
<v Speaker 1>to figure out the perfect cutesy retort to Bryce. It

0:09:41.080 --> 0:09:44.600
<v Speaker 1>was beginning to seem like my Canadian goose was cooked.

0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:48.520
<v Speaker 1>I sit down at the head of the boardroom table

0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:52.240
<v Speaker 1>and help myself to the last remaining vegan brownie on

0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:56.640
<v Speaker 1>the party platter. To wash it down, I crack open

0:09:56.880 --> 0:10:02.040
<v Speaker 1>an unopened Miller High Life, which is still ill mercifully cold.

0:10:10.360 --> 0:10:13.600
<v Speaker 1>This has been chapter three of the Heavyweight Diaries. With

0:10:13.679 --> 0:10:16.200
<v Speaker 1>any luck, the new season of Heavyweight will begin on

0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:19.960
<v Speaker 1>September twenty sixth. Until then, you can chart our progress

0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:24.000
<v Speaker 1>each week with a new diary update. And remember the

0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:27.120
<v Speaker 1>best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. The

0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:29.480
<v Speaker 1>second best place to listen to Heavyweight is on a

0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:33.120
<v Speaker 1>love seat sharing a pair of earbuds with your sweetheart.

0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:37.560
<v Speaker 1>Heavyweight is Me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Jorge just Stevie Lane,

0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:41.640
<v Speaker 1>Khalila Holt, NBA Parker. This episode was mixed by Emamonger.

0:10:42.040 --> 0:10:45.360
<v Speaker 1>Music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring,

0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:49.080
<v Speaker 1>performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have

0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:51.960
<v Speaker 1>a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week