1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:06,760
Speaker 1: Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Bloomberg

2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,360
Speaker 1: is acting coy lay him what I've been working on?

3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:14,680
Speaker 1: I have nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, Bloomberg says. Pinky swears

4
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:32,360
Speaker 1: are sacred. The Gimlet Media conference room is a blaze,

5
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,960
Speaker 1: glowing with the brilliant light of the elephantine chandelier hanging

6
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,040
Speaker 1: low enough to almost tickle the top of my balding pate.

7
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,360
Speaker 1: But the room is made even more radiant by the luminous, young,

8
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:48,600
Speaker 1: scrubbed faces of the Gimblet advertising team, the Gimlet Marketing team,

9
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,960
Speaker 1: the Gimblet Brand Synergies team, the Gimlet Press outreach and

10
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:57,800
Speaker 1: public relations team. In the room too is Michael, my

11
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:02,200
Speaker 1: designated observer from People Off who ever since the Way

12
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:06,959
Speaker 1: Too Casual Friday incident of twenty sixteen, has been assigned

13
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,840
Speaker 1: to all my meetings. I watched the room watch me

14
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,400
Speaker 1: for a full thirty seconds as I pull mightily on

15
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:20,240
Speaker 1: the sliding glass door trying to enter the conference room. Finally,

16
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:25,160
Speaker 1: my designated Michael comes to the rescue, opening the door

17
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,800
Speaker 1: with a quick flick. He leads me over to the

18
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,680
Speaker 1: head of the fifty foot long table and stuffs a

19
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:35,360
Speaker 1: piece of paper in my hand. It reads meeting agenda

20
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:43,360
Speaker 1: time two hours, speaker Jonathan Goldstein, purpose to report progress

21
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,920
Speaker 1: on the new season of Heavyweight. It here bears mentioning

22
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:52,280
Speaker 1: that the new season of Heavyweight is progressing poorly, very

23
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:56,520
Speaker 1: very poorly. It might also bear mentioning that everyone in

24
00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,000
Speaker 1: the room except for me, is wearing a toilet seat

25
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:13,760
Speaker 1: around their neck. Gimlet has a new sponsorship with Hoity

26
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,919
Speaker 1: Toity Toilet Seats, a startup that crafts toilet seats from

27
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:21,600
Speaker 1: a single piece of salvage timber and delivers them straight

28
00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:25,440
Speaker 1: to your door. The business teams are showing their support.

29
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,480
Speaker 1: Hoity Toity Toilet Seats were designed by two graduates of

30
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:34,000
Speaker 1: Stanford's prestigious School of Medical Fashion. The ad copy reads

31
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,040
Speaker 1: wearing them around the neck like a Hawaiian lay promotes

32
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:44,120
Speaker 1: proper posture. Flipping over the trifoled brochure reveals celebrity spokesperson

33
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:48,560
Speaker 1: Harvey Kaitel insisting that not only are his Hoity toities

34
00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,560
Speaker 1: the height of hygiene and a soothing balm for his

35
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:56,160
Speaker 1: near constant whiplash, but with the right shoes, they're perfect

36
00:02:56,200 --> 00:03:00,600
Speaker 1: for an evening on the town. Will Heavyweight be sponsored

37
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:03,400
Speaker 1: by the good folks at Hoity Toity as well. I

38
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:08,959
Speaker 1: ask Hoity Toity's focused on a different demo. Madison, head

39
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,400
Speaker 1: of marketing, says, they're more Cardi B than Wilfrid B.

40
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,799
Speaker 1: That's what I call Wilford Brimley. But we do have

41
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:25,079
Speaker 1: some exciting sponsors for heavyweight, like what I ask adult undergarments,

42
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:31,480
Speaker 1: she says, mobility scooters, orthopedic insoles, wheat, germ fiber supplements,

43
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:37,840
Speaker 1: some super cool stuff. Awesome sauce, I say, so, how's

44
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:42,080
Speaker 1: that quirky, self deprecating commentary of yours coming along? Asks

45
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,680
Speaker 1: the senior VP of brand Synergies, a twenty three year

46
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:51,480
Speaker 1: old toddler named Bryce. Super Awesome sauce, I say, wiping

47
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,800
Speaker 1: the sweat along my hairline with a fish taco wrapper

48
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,400
Speaker 1: from the pre eating lunch that I wasn't sure I

49
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:01,880
Speaker 1: was allowed to eat, but which with reluctant, tensative rat

50
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,840
Speaker 1: like bites and loud, nervous swallows. I've been eating without

51
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:15,560
Speaker 1: cessation since I entered the room. Bryce twirls the artisanal

52
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:20,039
Speaker 1: toilet plungeries carrying as a matching dandy stick, and suctions

53
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:24,200
Speaker 1: it to the tabletop with a loud, thwacking sound. What's

54
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:28,719
Speaker 1: the first episode about? What isn't it about? I ask?

55
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,480
Speaker 1: I then try out a jolly, infectious laugh in order

56
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,960
Speaker 1: to get the room laughing and establish a tone of

57
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,800
Speaker 1: casual bonami. But what comes out of my mouth instead

58
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,680
Speaker 1: sounds like a barking seal who's just eaten tainted yogurt,

59
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,440
Speaker 1: has yogurt all over his seal whiskers, and has begun

60
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:52,919
Speaker 1: barfing out shrimp, cocktails, scuba gear, and whatever else it

61
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:58,279
Speaker 1: is seals normally eat. In the ensuing silence, Bryce asks

62
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:02,200
Speaker 1: me to offer a little more detail. It's about this

63
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,800
Speaker 1: teacher who once yelled at me and made me cry

64
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,919
Speaker 1: in third grade. I say, I finally just tracked her down,

65
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:14,799
Speaker 1: and asks Bryce, making eye contact and leaning forward exactly

66
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:19,080
Speaker 1: fifteen degrees, as stipulated in gimblet Media's Good Listeners Make

67
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:24,480
Speaker 1: Good Managers video tutorial. In an interesting twist, I say,

68
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:28,719
Speaker 1: it turns out she died five years ago. I ended

69
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,800
Speaker 1: up speaking with her hospice nurse who cared for her

70
00:05:31,839 --> 00:05:37,520
Speaker 1: in her last days, and asks Bryce, leaning forward an

71
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:42,919
Speaker 1: additional five degrees. He says, I say she made no

72
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:48,359
Speaker 1: mention of me. Bryce fiddles with his toilet seat. What

73
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:52,480
Speaker 1: else you got, he asks, and the room erupts in laughter.

74
00:05:54,240 --> 00:06:01,120
Speaker 1: What else I got? I got nothing? As the sound

75
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,279
Speaker 1: of the room's youthful titters stab at my ear drums,

76
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,920
Speaker 1: I consider pitching a trip to England, where my unique

77
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:12,240
Speaker 1: powers of interlocution might help solve Brexit, But that would

78
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,600
Speaker 1: involve taking a trip to England, where the dampness might

79
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:30,720
Speaker 1: amplify my trots into a full blown case of the scoots.

80
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,719
Speaker 1: Desperate for an idea that was more local to my

81
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,920
Speaker 1: personal bathroom, and with yogurt on the brain, I explained

82
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,599
Speaker 1: how Gimblet media editor Jorge just was just telling me

83
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,839
Speaker 1: how he'd been up all night after accidentally eating some

84
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:50,520
Speaker 1: spoiled yogurt. I add some sly emphasis on the word

85
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:56,160
Speaker 1: accidentally to up the intrigue. What if he had a

86
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,760
Speaker 1: do over, I say, affecting the voice of a wizard

87
00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:04,680
Speaker 1: casting a magical spell, and could undo having eaten the yogurt,

88
00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:09,400
Speaker 1: not by barfing nine times like he already did, but

89
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:15,560
Speaker 1: by not having eaten it in the first place. As

90
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,800
Speaker 1: I speak, I wave my arms in theatrical suspense building

91
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:25,120
Speaker 1: circles and slowly rise from the table, hypnotizing my brand

92
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:30,360
Speaker 1: strategy biz marketing colleagues with a perfectly executed borsh belt bob,

93
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,560
Speaker 1: an old Vaudeville trick designed to focus the audience's attention

94
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:39,400
Speaker 1: onto the performer along with it, my voice grows louder

95
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:44,960
Speaker 1: and louder as my pitch reaches an hysterical crescendo. If

96
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,040
Speaker 1: you allow yourself to venture past the limits of your

97
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,960
Speaker 1: earthly imagination, you might begin to envision what such a

98
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:57,679
Speaker 1: do over might yield. With my eyes closed and head

99
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,040
Speaker 1: tilted back, I shoot my arms out to each side,

100
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:06,840
Speaker 1: bono style and fall into silence. I count down in

101
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:14,200
Speaker 1: my head five, four, three, executing a perfect pocono'se pause,

102
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,400
Speaker 1: an old Vaudeville trick designed to increase tension at the

103
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,200
Speaker 1: end of a performance to a level so high that

104
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,360
Speaker 1: the audience can't help but break it with a rapturous

105
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:31,000
Speaker 1: standing ovation. Two and a half two one, Wait for it,

106
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:36,679
Speaker 1: Wait a little longer for it. With no applause forthcoming,

107
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:41,920
Speaker 1: I start the countdown again, three, two and a half,

108
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:50,480
Speaker 1: two and one. When I open my eyes, the boardroom

109
00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:55,160
Speaker 1: is empty save for Michael, my people ops observer, who

110
00:08:55,280 --> 00:09:00,680
Speaker 1: is furiously scribbling angry notes or angrily scribbling fury notes.

111
00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:07,000
Speaker 1: Either way he avoids my gaze. On the table beside

112
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,760
Speaker 1: me is a Gimlet brand Vellum note card. Written upon

113
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:15,120
Speaker 1: it in big floury handwriting is a note from Bryce

114
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:21,040
Speaker 1: loved your little skit bro ps. You've got three weeks

115
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,720
Speaker 1: to cough up something or else. It's curtains for certains

116
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:33,079
Speaker 1: XO XO Bryce. Cakes. All I've got is a big,

117
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:37,040
Speaker 1: fat Canadian goose egg. It'd take three weeks alone just

118
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,960
Speaker 1: to figure out the perfect cutesy retort to Bryce. It

119
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,600
Speaker 1: was beginning to seem like my Canadian goose was cooked.

120
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,520
Speaker 1: I sit down at the head of the boardroom table

121
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,240
Speaker 1: and help myself to the last remaining vegan brownie on

122
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:56,640
Speaker 1: the party platter. To wash it down, I crack open

123
00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:02,040
Speaker 1: an unopened Miller High Life, which is still ill mercifully cold.

124
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,600
Speaker 1: This has been chapter three of the Heavyweight Diaries. With

125
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,200
Speaker 1: any luck, the new season of Heavyweight will begin on

126
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,960
Speaker 1: September twenty sixth. Until then, you can chart our progress

127
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:24,000
Speaker 1: each week with a new diary update. And remember the

128
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,120
Speaker 1: best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. The

129
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,480
Speaker 1: second best place to listen to Heavyweight is on a

130
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:33,120
Speaker 1: love seat sharing a pair of earbuds with your sweetheart.

131
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,560
Speaker 1: Heavyweight is Me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Jorge just Stevie Lane,

132
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:41,640
Speaker 1: Khalila Holt, NBA Parker. This episode was mixed by Emamonger.

133
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:45,360
Speaker 1: Music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring,

134
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:49,080
Speaker 1: performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have

135
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,960
Speaker 1: a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week