WEBVTT - EP 386: Olympic Dating ft. Anwar The Dating Coach 0:00:02.720 --> 0:00:05.960 Guess what decision we're about to make. Horrible decision. 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:13.280 Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of horror Blea. 0:00:14.160 --> 0:00:16.160 This is y'all. I don't know why you want to 0:00:16.160 --> 0:00:16.400 sign it. 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:19.080 Don't do I'm gonna sing it that sphy I'm your girl, 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:22.880 Mandy b AKA single Forever. 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:28.520 Because everybody sucks aka that bitch for album. Hey, y'all, 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:32.400 I'm weazy and finally I'm out of the pists pool 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:35.199 that dating is. But I really think I've used some 0:00:35.240 --> 0:00:38.639 advice for my fairy god brother. He's here, anwar who 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:40.760 is one of my favorite dating coaches online. I don't 0:00:40.800 --> 0:00:43.080 even have TikTok, but I feel like you have TikTok 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:45.680 content and it's my favorite to watch. So I'm so 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:47.519 glad that you decided to do horrible today. 0:00:47.600 --> 0:00:49.000 Thank you so much for having me. 0:00:49.400 --> 0:00:53.959 Welcome, Welcome, I'm excited to have you here because Baby, Outside. 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:56.319 Of the questions for y'all, yes, I guess I'll consider y'all. 0:00:56.400 --> 0:00:59.920 Today I got questions from my goddamn though, uh dating 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:02.400 it has been now that I have standards, I realized 0:01:02.400 --> 0:01:05.440 how much harder dating is. Like I actually miss being 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:07.120 a whore with no standards. 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:08.959 Who just wanted to come. 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:11.080 You know, I just wanted a good looking guy, just 0:01:11.080 --> 0:01:13.040 wanted to eat and have a meal the next day, 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:13.520 because I was. 0:01:13.720 --> 0:01:14.600 Like Jesus Christ. 0:01:14.920 --> 0:01:19.080 So now that I'm not that person, now that I've 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:22.080 gone through therapy, now that I'm a woman of intention, 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:24.840 a woman with money at her own bag and is 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:27.959 not looking for those transactional relationships, I find it to 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:31.720 be a little bit more difficult to find someone that 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:34.760 makes sense. But also was a woman identifying what I 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:36.520 really want out of a partner. So I'm excited to 0:01:36.520 --> 0:01:37.480 have this conversation with you. 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:41.199 My first question is I didn't realize you were married. 0:01:41.200 --> 0:01:42.920 I don't know if you've talked about it in your content, 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:45.440 but when you said that, I was like, oh, because 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:49.200 one of my first questions was when single and being 0:01:49.240 --> 0:01:51.200 a dating coach. How has that been like if you've 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:52.080 had your spirits in that. 0:01:52.880 --> 0:01:55.120 I've always been married in a dating coach, so I've 0:01:55.120 --> 0:01:58.040 been married for almost fourteen years now. We have three 0:01:58.120 --> 0:02:02.000 children together. So just fyip people, if you want to 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:05.080 invest in a dating coach, please invest with someone who 0:02:05.160 --> 0:02:07.360 is married and who knows how to go from A 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:07.640 to Z. 0:02:07.920 --> 0:02:10.600 Oh that's very interesting. Tell us how you met your 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:15.680 partner in after that step of marriage, how you were like, okay, 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:17.520 I need to teach people how to do this. 0:02:18.200 --> 0:02:20.680 Yeah, so we met online like a lot of people 0:02:20.720 --> 0:02:24.919 are meeting these days. And I always tell ladies out there, 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:28.520 but for the guys as well. Like when I was online, 0:02:28.560 --> 0:02:32.640 I wasn't necessarily taking it so seriously. So like I 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:34.520 was in LA at the time, So I would have 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:36.400 one app in LA and then I would have another 0:02:36.440 --> 0:02:39.200 app just wherever I wanted to go. So one week 0:02:39.240 --> 0:02:41.720 I would be in Barcelona, one week I would be 0:02:41.720 --> 0:02:43.720 in Berlin, one week I would be in Montreal. 0:02:43.800 --> 0:02:44.720 All right, subtle flick. 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:48.080 Well here's the thing. No on my app, not in 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:53.320 real life. Oh okay, see yeah yeah, because oh I 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:56.400 knew at a certain point, and this is I think 0:02:56.560 --> 0:03:02.080 really applicable form are and successful women of color that 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.640 America might not be there it for you. So you 0:03:05.760 --> 0:03:08.119 have to be open to the fact that your person 0:03:08.480 --> 0:03:09.960 might be outside of the state. 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:13.200 So when you say you placed yourself in there, I know, 0:03:13.320 --> 0:03:16.160 like for certain apps, and and none of them paying 0:03:16.160 --> 0:03:18.480 for this episode, so we don't have to really name 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:21.320 any if we don't want to. But certain apps once 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:23.600 you pay for the subscription is when you can place 0:03:23.639 --> 0:03:24.639 your location anywhere. 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:26.560 So is that what you did? You invested in. 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:30.520 Paying for one of the premium appropriate So you explored. 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:33.440 With the intention of having a more serious relationship. Correct, 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:36.400 Huh interesting I have heard now I know doctor Gumar 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:39.480 controversial and also can't stand the gays. So it's like, 0:03:39.760 --> 0:03:42.760 but you did say one thing about black women dating 0:03:42.800 --> 0:03:45.520 and going to the Caribbean and just meeting men there, 0:03:45.680 --> 0:03:48.280 maybe even Africa a different part, just to meet black men. 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:51.760 Tell us your experience with when you were choosing the 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:53.760 city and why those places like what. 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:55.240 Were just a variety? 0:03:55.440 --> 0:03:55.600 Right? 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:58.400 I wasn't really thinking too much about it. Again, I 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:01.240 think I always tell ladies, you know, there are two 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:03.640 types of women that date. There are women that date 0:04:03.680 --> 0:04:07.280 for marriage, and there are women that date for play, right, 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:08.560 and the women that date wait. 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:09.840 There are no in between. 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:12.440 When women are dating for marriage, I think that they 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:14.640 take it very seriously and they go from zero to 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:18.360 one hundred and they put a lot of pressure on themselves. 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:21.800 And I'm always someone who is date for play, have 0:04:21.920 --> 0:04:26.080 fun and actually, in my experience it's the women who 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:29.159 date for play that get into relationships. It's the women 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:33.560 that speak for marriage that have a much harder time. 0:04:33.560 --> 0:04:37.719 MMM that I one hundred percent of believe. What is 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:40.400 the in between? Is there an in between? 0:04:40.480 --> 0:04:42.279 I mean, I think there's always going to be an 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:45.320 in between because everything is a spectrum, right, But I'm 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:48.200 sharing with you what the majority of the categories are 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:52.240 when when I have coached women in dating for the 0:04:52.279 --> 0:04:54.480 past fourteen to fifteen years. 0:04:54.440 --> 0:04:56.839 So Mandy in particular, I'm sure she was interested in 0:04:56.839 --> 0:04:59.039 the between because Mandy doesn't want to be married, which 0:04:59.040 --> 0:05:02.680 she wants to committed relateationship. That's fine, and so that 0:05:03.080 --> 0:05:05.880 pretty much though, is marriage is the blanket of commitment 0:05:05.960 --> 0:05:06.920 when you're saying the two. 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:13.560 Marriage commitment, long term partnership, right, meaning like you're very 0:05:13.600 --> 0:05:16.960 focused on it has this person that I'm talking to 0:05:17.080 --> 0:05:19.640 right now, he has to be my person or she 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:21.920 has to be my person, right that we're putting a 0:05:21.920 --> 0:05:24.359 lot of pressure on ourselves because we want to be 0:05:24.400 --> 0:05:27.440 in that relationship more so than we want to actually 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:31.520 evaluate whether that person is for us or not. There 0:05:31.520 --> 0:05:33.919 are a lot of women that are hyper focused on 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:39.280 being partnered, being chosen, having a relationship, and that's what 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:41.159 I'm talking about more so than anything else. 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:44.680 How do you know how long you can play? For example, 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:48.360 if a woman does want to end up in a relationship, 0:05:48.400 --> 0:05:50.560 but you're saying date for play, which I get that 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:52.080 it's like kind of just let all of that go 0:05:52.120 --> 0:05:55.720 and enjoy yourself, But how long can they do that 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:58.240 before they end up in a situationship? 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:04.720 Or there's a differ diference between playing and dating with boundaries. 0:06:04.800 --> 0:06:06.840 So when I say play, I don't mean you don't 0:06:06.880 --> 0:06:09.599 have boundaries while you're dating. What I'm saying is that 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.800 you stay free, you stay light, you're not taking it 0:06:12.839 --> 0:06:15.440 too seriously. You can take it or you can leave it. 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:19.680 But that that is completely different than actually having boundaries right, 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:23.440 And boundaries are paramount when you're dating because if you 0:06:23.440 --> 0:06:26.400 don't boundary well, you won't date well, you won't be 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:28.680 in a great relationship, and so forth and so on. 0:06:28.760 --> 0:06:32.640 What are boundaries that would assure that you're in the 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:34.720 right path swords what you want? Like, could you give 0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:36.960 us a list of maybe three boundaries. 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:40.760 That yeah for people percent? So I would say, if 0:06:40.760 --> 0:06:44.279 you're dating online, I if he hasn't asked you out 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:47.520 within a week, you need to drop it. If you 0:06:47.600 --> 0:06:50.120 are not in a committed relationship within two and a 0:06:50.200 --> 0:06:53.840 half to three months, you need to drop it. If 0:06:53.920 --> 0:06:57.400 you are not engaged or married within two years, you 0:06:57.480 --> 0:06:58.240 need to drop it. 0:06:59.440 --> 0:07:02.320 These are are very short numbers to me. 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:04.880 Tell me why are why are they? 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:07.920 Are they short? To you? I think that the two years, 0:07:07.960 --> 0:07:11.640 in my opinion, seems to be an age thing. I 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:15.960 feel like if I was twenty six, twenty seven and 0:07:16.000 --> 0:07:18.080 someone was ready to marry me in two years, I'd 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:21.320 be like, Oh, have we really experienced more yet? Are 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:24.440 we in a financial place for marriage? I'm actually surprised 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:26.040 you said two years. For some reason in my brain 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:27.880 I thought you would say three. 0:07:27.920 --> 0:07:33.440 A man knows. A man knows pretty quickly. And what 0:07:33.520 --> 0:07:35.480 I know, I get at least three or four women 0:07:35.480 --> 0:07:38.560 into relationships every week. I have an engagement every month. 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:42.800 What I will tell you is this, he knows probably 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:45.480 within the first six months, and then after that he 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:49.360 is saving for a ring and a wedding. I literally 0:07:49.440 --> 0:07:51.200 have five men that are doing it for my clients 0:07:51.320 --> 0:07:51.720 right now. 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:55.720 Oh, I want to ask the room, do you guys know? 0:07:56.600 --> 0:07:59.360 In six months? Have you have you? Let's get a gage? 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:01.680 We got four? There are men here do you theay 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:10.880 women too? Okay, have you felt that for yourself? Yeah? Okay, okay, 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:13.520 what about the two to three months? Because Wolfe told 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:16.720 me once wolf start engineering here that he who I 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:19.480 probably would say I've had the most deep conversations with 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:21.480 about dating, and you seem like a very intentional dater. 0:08:22.160 --> 0:08:25.000 You told me a year, and you're saying two to 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:29.840 three months. Why do you take a year? That seems 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:32.120 crazy to me to make someone your girlfriend? I think 0:08:32.760 --> 0:08:41.160 four to six but a year's fucking crazy. Yet you 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:43.000 don't have a mic, so we're not gonna keep asking. 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:45.120 He said that he feels like things will come to 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:49.079 the surface after a year. Now, I just feel like 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:51.280 a year. I'm letting you play with me if a 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:52.800 woman goes past a certain. 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:54.600 So let me just let me answer that. And this 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:57.280 is why it's important for women to have boundaries, right, 0:08:57.360 --> 0:09:01.080 because you you shouldn't be waiting a year. Yeah, whoever 0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:05.360 knows that you are at will make it happen, right, 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:08.320 And so that's why it's important for women specifically to 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:13.040 have those boundaries because you can't abdicate or give away 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:16.839 your power to someone who may not know if they 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:19.960 want to be with you or not. You have to 0:09:19.960 --> 0:09:21.920 make that choice for yourself. You have to be in 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:24.360 full control of your dating life, and you can't give 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:26.319 your power away to someone else. 0:09:26.520 --> 0:09:28.880 So I've been talking to my friends who think I'm 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:32.240 kind of nuts. I give people two weeks and two 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:34.760 weeks to see me, so I don't care where you're 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:38.160 at on the globe. I feel like, if you're interested 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:40.280 in me and we're talking, you have two weeks to 0:09:40.320 --> 0:09:40.559 see me. 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:42.720 Otherwise I'm no longer interested. 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:47.120 However, with wanting the two week mark as well as 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:50.319 maybe send me flowers, can I ask you what is 0:09:50.360 --> 0:09:52.880 the difference between a woman showing up assertive and showing 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:56.800 up aggressive and could a woman saying that this is 0:09:56.840 --> 0:10:00.400 what they need in order to for them feel like 0:10:00.440 --> 0:10:01.120 you're interested. 0:10:01.400 --> 0:10:03.800 Could that push them away? So how do you show 0:10:03.880 --> 0:10:05.000 up between the two? 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:11.120 Well, there's a difference between It's all in communication style, okay, Right. 0:10:11.480 --> 0:10:14.280 There are some women that communicate in a masculine way 0:10:14.440 --> 0:10:17.760 and there are some women that communicate in a feminine way. Right, 0:10:18.160 --> 0:10:21.040 There's a difference between I need flowers, I need you 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:22.480 to come and see me. I need you da da 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:27.000 da da da, versus I would feel really connected, and 0:10:27.080 --> 0:10:29.920 I would really be happy if you came to see me. 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:34.959 There's a way to communicate things from a feminine energetic 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:39.880 perspective versus a masculine energetic perpect Masculine is thought, masculine 0:10:40.080 --> 0:10:44.320 is action doe. Feminine is centered around the feelings and being. 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:47.319 And I will tell you this, a lot of women 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:51.080 of color specifically are in their masculine energy for a 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:53.840 variety of different reasons. What I know for sure, and 0:10:53.880 --> 0:10:57.400 the deeper reason behind that, is because there's actually a 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:01.280 lack of feminine energetic love when they're being raised. So 0:11:02.200 --> 0:11:05.840 a lot of black mothers are very judgmental and highly critical, 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:09.160 and so what happens, and also, I will just say 0:11:09.160 --> 0:11:13.120 this from a lot of fathers, they're also emotionally or 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:17.280 physically absent. So what that teaches black girls growing up 0:11:17.480 --> 0:11:20.280 is that they can't rely on anyone. They don't have 0:11:20.320 --> 0:11:21.960 a safe space, so they have to be their own 0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:26.320 safe space. So what happens though, and how that translates 0:11:26.320 --> 0:11:30.440 into adulthood is that now you're in your masculine you 0:11:30.559 --> 0:11:33.880 have to take care of everything. But the problem with 0:11:33.960 --> 0:11:37.400 that is when you're in your masculine because relationships are 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:40.600 about compliments. They're about the yin and the yang. So 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:42.959 when you're in your masculine you will attract two kinds 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:47.120 of men. One a man that is in his dominant 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:51.720 feminine energy who's looking for a mother yeah. And two 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:54.960 a man that is in his hyper or toxic masculine 0:11:55.080 --> 0:11:59.560 energy and he will want to forcibly submit you into 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:02.800 your famlim. Those are the two kinds of men that 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:04.240 will have So one of the things that I do 0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:07.320 in my program for my clients is I help them 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:11.880 create a balance of both the masculine and feminine so 0:12:11.920 --> 0:12:16.440 that they can also meet people, meet men specifically that 0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:19.920 have also a balance as well. One of the things 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:22.679 that has happened that maybe a lot of people aren't 0:12:22.679 --> 0:12:27.320 necessarily talking about is, you know, in the nineties, we 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:32.719 had I don't know, seventy five percent of our households 0:12:33.080 --> 0:12:36.720 that were run by single mothers, and that has an 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:42.679 effect on how we bond with each other. I want 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:47.959 to specifically say, this affects the way that men also 0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:52.079 bond with women. So when you're talking about I need 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:55.359 imn to do this, this, this, this, and be very particular, 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.679 it's really a defense mechanism because they've been going through 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:00.920 a lot of bullshit because a lot of these men 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:05.319 have been thought to believe that they are the prize 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:09.240 what we call enmeshment, which means that they are raised 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:11.680 to be a bit entitled. A lot of these single 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:16.160 mothers will actually treat these young men growing up as 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:19.640 surrogate partners. They call them king, they call them all 0:13:19.679 --> 0:13:23.560 these other things, and so all of the attention, everything 0:13:23.679 --> 0:13:26.720 is for them, and so they are thought they believe 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:28.840 that that is how you are supposed to be in 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:32.720 relationship with women, right, And that's not necessarily the case. 0:13:32.800 --> 0:13:35.120 So when you tell me that there are a lot 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:37.640 of women that are demanding, it is really because they've 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:41.320 experienced a lot of men that are like that. Unfortunately, 0:13:41.520 --> 0:13:44.800 I'm not here to shit or shade on anybody. I'm 0:13:44.840 --> 0:13:46.600 here to share with you that a lot of things 0:13:46.600 --> 0:13:48.960 that maybe people aren't talking about in the context and 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:50.080 the why behind it all. 0:13:51.120 --> 0:13:54.680 I am absolutely understanding how you've done this fifteen years. 0:13:54.960 --> 0:14:00.559 I think just the example of why we're so aggressive 0:14:01.080 --> 0:14:03.199 when asking for these things, I've even had to calm down. 0:14:03.240 --> 0:14:05.320 I think I don't know if you believe in astrology, 0:14:05.320 --> 0:14:07.920 but I think the only thing that's helped me is 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:11.360 my Pisce's emotional attitude that I've been able to approach 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:14.760 things with with all the pain from relationships. I definitely 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:16.880 have a laundry list of things for myself that I 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:20.320 know I need. I try not to necessarily pressure someone 0:14:20.320 --> 0:14:22.440 with them and I'm in a relationship right now, but 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:25.800 I have found that I may find ways to sneak 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:28.320 them in or even make mention at what I've done 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:30.720 to other partners. Oh well, XYZ happened to me and 0:14:30.760 --> 0:14:34.080 they're no longer here. And I haven't really found a 0:14:34.200 --> 0:14:37.920 healthy way to talk about my boundaries without letting them know. 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:43.120 This is a hard limit, and I'm curious when not 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:45.360 in a relationship. But let's just say, because don't want 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:47.640 to speak for myself in the dating weeds, you know 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:50.040 you're starting to like someone, how do you let them 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:52.160 know as a partner how they need to show up? 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:54.560 Because what you just mentioned about that to me is 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:57.480 preliminary and a really good example of it. How can 0:14:57.520 --> 0:14:59.520 we do that once we're in it, once we know 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:00.920 someone's vibe. 0:15:00.880 --> 0:15:03.920 How do we So here's how I think about this. 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:08.800 So we have this full courtship, right And I always 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:11.960 tell I always say that I think women and men 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:15.800 think about it differently. So I think men kind of 0:15:15.840 --> 0:15:20.640 go into it with like a zero mentality, meaning I 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:22.840 don't even know her, I don't even like her yet, right, 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:25.480 we have to figure out if I like her. Women 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:30.080 oftentimes will start at one hundred, right and be like, Okay, 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:32.040 if he messes up, I'm taking him down to ninety, 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:34.760 and we wait until he gets to a certain point before. 0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:40.440 So I say all that to say, many women do 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:43.000 exactly what you just said. I want to make sure 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:45.800 that he stays at one hundred, which is my idealized 0:15:45.920 --> 0:15:49.160 version of who I want him to be, instead of 0:15:49.440 --> 0:15:53.360 letting him be who he is right, which is which 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:56.520 means kind of I want women to actually start from 0:15:56.640 --> 0:15:59.200 zero and allow him to prove himself in a lot 0:15:59.200 --> 0:15:59.840 of different ways. 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:00.400 Oh. 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:03.360 I say all of that to say, I don't want 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:05.200 you to tell him exactly what you want or what 0:16:05.280 --> 0:16:08.920 you need, not early in the courtship. I always think 0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:11.480 that the date three is a huge inflection point in 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:14.400 the courtship. It shows a level of investment, and so 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:19.360 from first conversation to date three, you're in observation mode. 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:23.800 You just need to see what what his homeostasis is 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:26.840 what his natural way of being is because you can 0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:29.320 give him, you can give him the answers to the 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:32.720 test and he can he can, he can cram and 0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:37.160 copy them and perform for a good three weeks, three months. 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:43.520 But is that his natural way of being? Excuse me? 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:45.760 I feel like most of the days have sex around 0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:48.120 date three? Is that in relation to when you just 0:16:48.160 --> 0:16:50.320 said date three is an investment? 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:53.480 Date three is an investment? Most women have sex on 0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:56.080 date three because there's a passive enact of pressure that 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:57.320 happens on date three. 0:16:57.480 --> 0:16:57.840 Hmmm. 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:03.480 That comes from film media, all of these other things, 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:07.600 and pressure from the patriarchy. Right, That's just something that 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:11.960 is expected of them. Many of them understand that, know that, 0:17:12.400 --> 0:17:14.879 and feel like they have to. That's why there's like 0:17:14.920 --> 0:17:18.960 a bit of a dip when it comes to after 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:21.960 date three, because also men are expecting that as well. 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:25.840 Now, interesting because it's what my werson just said, this 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:27.840 thing about date three to me, We had sex on 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:30.480 date three, right, And he said, I was like, what 0:17:30.560 --> 0:17:32.359 did we had sex on date four? He said, for 0:17:32.400 --> 0:17:35.280 some reason in my brain, and this is someone who 0:17:35.320 --> 0:17:38.080 can have sex with whoever he wants, right, Most men can't. 0:17:38.200 --> 0:17:41.919 He's like, in date three, if I'm not feeling an 0:17:41.920 --> 0:17:45.440 intense sexual energy, I start to think are we better 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:48.600 as friends? And I actually don't know if that's pressure 0:17:48.640 --> 0:17:50.280 he's putting on someone or if it's where his brain 0:17:50.359 --> 0:17:52.840 thinks from the interest of the woman. So I agree 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:55.080 with you. It is something that people are just used 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:58.480 to happening, because to say that you're not sure if 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:00.679 it doesn't get there, he's like, maybe she's into me. 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:03.080 To be honest, I kind of get it too. Remember 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:04.760 when I was dating that guy who wasn't having sex 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:06.720 with me, and I was like, he must not be there. 0:18:06.840 --> 0:18:10.399 The guy from Dreamville. The same thought Date three happened 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:12.840 date four, and I was like, oh, yeah, he wants 0:18:12.840 --> 0:18:13.440 to be my friend. 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:17.560 I mean to me, it's interesting because for what I 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:20.840 know dating to look like currently, it takes so long 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:23.800 to get to date three because people are juggling and 0:18:23.880 --> 0:18:26.440 dating so many different people at once, And not only 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:30.080 are they not actively going on dates, they're spending a 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:35.359 lot of time texting, having phone conversations, facetiming, dming, sending memes. 0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:39.760 There's so many actual conversations happening before you meet a 0:18:39.800 --> 0:18:43.320 person in person. And then so to get to date three. 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:46.439 Sometimes getting to date three can take a month or 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:49.520 two with one person because you're actively dating other people. 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:52.240 So I find that a little bit. 0:18:53.920 --> 0:18:56.679 Difficult or maybe not something that could be related to 0:18:57.040 --> 0:18:59.760 people that are actively dating multiple people. 0:19:00.080 --> 0:19:02.159 Or are you recommending that that women date one man 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:02.640 at a time? 0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:06.000 No? Never, okay, good? Always date multiple. I call it 0:19:06.000 --> 0:19:08.399 Olympic dating. You need to have a gold medalist, a 0:19:08.400 --> 0:19:10.640 silver medalist, and a bronze medallist at all times. 0:19:10.720 --> 0:19:13.200 I think that's the difficulty though that I'm seeing as well. 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:17.280 I think right now with social media and women being 0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:23.000 okay with this concept, it's almost like our attention spans 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:26.880 the same way it's related to music and now TV shows. 0:19:27.119 --> 0:19:29.720 We're upset when the whole season isn't there available to 0:19:29.800 --> 0:19:32.399 us and we have to wait even a week for 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:35.000 a new episode. Our attention spans are so short that 0:19:35.040 --> 0:19:37.840 we're constantly seeking Okay, if he's not all. 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:39.480 The way on me, I just want someone else to be. 0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:41.879 And that's what I realize myself and my friends are 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:44.760 navigating with dating right now, Like there's just so many 0:19:44.840 --> 0:19:47.400 that after two weeks, so I'm no longer interested in him, 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:48.480 they're just falling by the. 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:52.600 Wayside most of them. Well, okay, and that's that's why 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:56.120 you date multiple men. Okay, and you keep dating multiple 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:57.959 men most of them is exhausting. 0:19:58.000 --> 0:20:02.560 With the gold bronze that comment you just made. What 0:20:02.680 --> 0:20:05.560 have you seen ends up being? Who ends up being 0:20:06.240 --> 0:20:09.720 the engagement? You have one a month? You're seeing relationships happen? 0:20:09.920 --> 0:20:11.840 What have you noticed when you're because this is almost 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:14.280 like therapy to me, like I'm paying for someone to 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:16.760 really help me date, Like I'm telling you about these 0:20:16.800 --> 0:20:19.000 guys you're giving me the advice. Who have you seen? 0:20:19.119 --> 0:20:20.639 Is it the one that the girl the women are 0:20:20.680 --> 0:20:22.800 really wanting or is it the guy that they kind 0:20:22.800 --> 0:20:23.520 of forgot about? 0:20:24.440 --> 0:20:27.919