Speaker 1: Guess what decision we're about to make. Horrible decision.
Speaker 2: Hey, guys, welcome to another episode of horror Blea.
Speaker 1: This is y'all. I don't know why you want to
Speaker 1: sign it.
Speaker 2: Don't do I'm gonna sing it that sphy I'm your girl,
Speaker 2: Mandy b AKA single Forever.
Speaker 1: Because everybody sucks aka that bitch for album. Hey, y'all,
Speaker 1: I'm weazy and finally I'm out of the pists pool
Speaker 1: that dating is. But I really think I've used some
Speaker 1: advice for my fairy god brother. He's here, anwar who
Speaker 1: is one of my favorite dating coaches online. I don't
Speaker 1: even have TikTok, but I feel like you have TikTok
Speaker 1: content and it's my favorite to watch. So I'm so
Speaker 1: glad that you decided to do horrible today.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2: Welcome, Welcome, I'm excited to have you here because Baby, Outside.
Speaker 1: Of the questions for y'all, yes, I guess I'll consider y'all.
Speaker 2: Today I got questions from my goddamn though, uh dating
Speaker 2: it has been now that I have standards, I realized
Speaker 2: how much harder dating is. Like I actually miss being
Speaker 2: a whore with no standards.
Speaker 1: Who just wanted to come.
Speaker 2: You know, I just wanted a good looking guy, just
Speaker 2: wanted to eat and have a meal the next day,
Speaker 2: because I was.
Speaker 1: Like Jesus Christ.
Speaker 2: So now that I'm not that person, now that I've
Speaker 2: gone through therapy, now that I'm a woman of intention,
Speaker 2: a woman with money at her own bag and is
Speaker 2: not looking for those transactional relationships, I find it to
Speaker 2: be a little bit more difficult to find someone that
Speaker 2: makes sense. But also was a woman identifying what I
Speaker 2: really want out of a partner. So I'm excited to
Speaker 2: have this conversation with you.
Speaker 1: My first question is I didn't realize you were married.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've talked about it in your content,
Speaker 1: but when you said that, I was like, oh, because
Speaker 1: one of my first questions was when single and being
Speaker 1: a dating coach. How has that been like if you've
Speaker 1: had your spirits in that.
Speaker 3: I've always been married in a dating coach, so I've
Speaker 3: been married for almost fourteen years now. We have three
Speaker 3: children together. So just fyip people, if you want to
Speaker 3: invest in a dating coach, please invest with someone who
Speaker 3: is married and who knows how to go from A
Speaker 3: to Z.
Speaker 1: Oh that's very interesting. Tell us how you met your
Speaker 1: partner in after that step of marriage, how you were like, okay,
Speaker 1: I need to teach people how to do this.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so we met online like a lot of people
Speaker 3: are meeting these days. And I always tell ladies out there,
Speaker 3: but for the guys as well. Like when I was online,
Speaker 3: I wasn't necessarily taking it so seriously. So like I
Speaker 3: was in LA at the time, So I would have
Speaker 3: one app in LA and then I would have another
Speaker 3: app just wherever I wanted to go. So one week
Speaker 3: I would be in Barcelona, one week I would be
Speaker 3: in Berlin, one week I would be in Montreal.
Speaker 1: All right, subtle flick.
Speaker 3: Well here's the thing. No on my app, not in
Speaker 3: real life. Oh okay, see yeah yeah, because oh I
Speaker 3: knew at a certain point, and this is I think
Speaker 3: really applicable form are and successful women of color that
Speaker 3: America might not be there it for you. So you
Speaker 3: have to be open to the fact that your person
Speaker 3: might be outside of the state.
Speaker 2: So when you say you placed yourself in there, I know,
Speaker 2: like for certain apps, and and none of them paying
Speaker 2: for this episode, so we don't have to really name
Speaker 2: any if we don't want to. But certain apps once
Speaker 2: you pay for the subscription is when you can place
Speaker 2: your location anywhere.
Speaker 1: So is that what you did? You invested in.
Speaker 2: Paying for one of the premium appropriate So you explored.
Speaker 1: With the intention of having a more serious relationship. Correct,
Speaker 1: Huh interesting I have heard now I know doctor Gumar
Speaker 1: controversial and also can't stand the gays. So it's like,
Speaker 1: but you did say one thing about black women dating
Speaker 1: and going to the Caribbean and just meeting men there,
Speaker 1: maybe even Africa a different part, just to meet black men.
Speaker 1: Tell us your experience with when you were choosing the
Speaker 1: city and why those places like what.
Speaker 3: Were just a variety?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: I wasn't really thinking too much about it. Again, I
Speaker 3: think I always tell ladies, you know, there are two
Speaker 3: types of women that date. There are women that date
Speaker 3: for marriage, and there are women that date for play, right,
Speaker 3: and the women that date wait.
Speaker 1: There are no in between.
Speaker 3: When women are dating for marriage, I think that they
Speaker 3: take it very seriously and they go from zero to
Speaker 3: one hundred and they put a lot of pressure on themselves.
Speaker 3: And I'm always someone who is date for play, have
Speaker 3: fun and actually, in my experience it's the women who
Speaker 3: date for play that get into relationships. It's the women
Speaker 3: that speak for marriage that have a much harder time.
Speaker 1: MMM that I one hundred percent of believe. What is
Speaker 1: the in between? Is there an in between?
Speaker 3: I mean, I think there's always going to be an
Speaker 3: in between because everything is a spectrum, right, But I'm
Speaker 3: sharing with you what the majority of the categories are
Speaker 3: when when I have coached women in dating for the
Speaker 3: past fourteen to fifteen years.
Speaker 1: So Mandy in particular, I'm sure she was interested in
Speaker 1: the between because Mandy doesn't want to be married, which
Speaker 1: she wants to committed relateationship. That's fine, and so that
Speaker 1: pretty much though, is marriage is the blanket of commitment
Speaker 1: when you're saying the two.
Speaker 3: Marriage commitment, long term partnership, right, meaning like you're very
Speaker 3: focused on it has this person that I'm talking to
Speaker 3: right now, he has to be my person or she
Speaker 3: has to be my person, right that we're putting a
Speaker 3: lot of pressure on ourselves because we want to be
Speaker 3: in that relationship more so than we want to actually
Speaker 3: evaluate whether that person is for us or not. There
Speaker 3: are a lot of women that are hyper focused on
Speaker 3: being partnered, being chosen, having a relationship, and that's what
Speaker 3: I'm talking about more so than anything else.
Speaker 1: How do you know how long you can play? For example,
Speaker 1: if a woman does want to end up in a relationship,
Speaker 1: but you're saying date for play, which I get that
Speaker 1: it's like kind of just let all of that go
Speaker 1: and enjoy yourself, But how long can they do that
Speaker 1: before they end up in a situationship?
Speaker 3: Or there's a differ diference between playing and dating with boundaries.
Speaker 3: So when I say play, I don't mean you don't
Speaker 3: have boundaries while you're dating. What I'm saying is that
Speaker 3: you stay free, you stay light, you're not taking it
Speaker 3: too seriously. You can take it or you can leave it.
Speaker 3: But that that is completely different than actually having boundaries right,
Speaker 3: And boundaries are paramount when you're dating because if you
Speaker 3: don't boundary well, you won't date well, you won't be
Speaker 3: in a great relationship, and so forth and so on.
Speaker 2: What are boundaries that would assure that you're in the
Speaker 2: right path swords what you want? Like, could you give
Speaker 2: us a list of maybe three boundaries.
Speaker 3: That yeah for people percent? So I would say, if
Speaker 3: you're dating online, I if he hasn't asked you out
Speaker 3: within a week, you need to drop it. If you
Speaker 3: are not in a committed relationship within two and a
Speaker 3: half to three months, you need to drop it. If
Speaker 3: you are not engaged or married within two years, you
Speaker 3: need to drop it.
Speaker 1: These are are very short numbers to me.
Speaker 3: Tell me why are why are they?
Speaker 1: Are they short? To you? I think that the two years,
Speaker 1: in my opinion, seems to be an age thing. I
Speaker 1: feel like if I was twenty six, twenty seven and
Speaker 1: someone was ready to marry me in two years, I'd
Speaker 1: be like, Oh, have we really experienced more yet? Are
Speaker 1: we in a financial place for marriage? I'm actually surprised
Speaker 1: you said two years. For some reason in my brain
Speaker 1: I thought you would say three.
Speaker 3: A man knows. A man knows pretty quickly. And what
Speaker 3: I know, I get at least three or four women
Speaker 3: into relationships every week. I have an engagement every month.
Speaker 3: What I will tell you is this, he knows probably
Speaker 3: within the first six months, and then after that he
Speaker 3: is saving for a ring and a wedding. I literally
Speaker 3: have five men that are doing it for my clients
Speaker 3: right now.
Speaker 1: Oh, I want to ask the room, do you guys know?
Speaker 1: In six months? Have you have you? Let's get a gage?
Speaker 1: We got four? There are men here do you theay
Speaker 1: women too? Okay, have you felt that for yourself? Yeah? Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: what about the two to three months? Because Wolfe told
Speaker 1: me once wolf start engineering here that he who I
Speaker 1: probably would say I've had the most deep conversations with
Speaker 1: about dating, and you seem like a very intentional dater.
Speaker 1: You told me a year, and you're saying two to
Speaker 1: three months. Why do you take a year? That seems
Speaker 1: crazy to me to make someone your girlfriend? I think
Speaker 1: four to six but a year's fucking crazy. Yet you
Speaker 1: don't have a mic, so we're not gonna keep asking.
Speaker 1: He said that he feels like things will come to
Speaker 1: the surface after a year. Now, I just feel like
Speaker 1: a year. I'm letting you play with me if a
Speaker 1: woman goes past a certain.
Speaker 3: So let me just let me answer that. And this
Speaker 3: is why it's important for women to have boundaries, right,
Speaker 3: because you you shouldn't be waiting a year. Yeah, whoever
Speaker 3: knows that you are at will make it happen, right,
Speaker 3: And so that's why it's important for women specifically to
Speaker 3: have those boundaries because you can't abdicate or give away
Speaker 3: your power to someone who may not know if they
Speaker 3: want to be with you or not. You have to
Speaker 3: make that choice for yourself. You have to be in
Speaker 3: full control of your dating life, and you can't give
Speaker 3: your power away to someone else.
Speaker 2: So I've been talking to my friends who think I'm
Speaker 2: kind of nuts. I give people two weeks and two
Speaker 2: weeks to see me, so I don't care where you're
Speaker 2: at on the globe. I feel like, if you're interested
Speaker 2: in me and we're talking, you have two weeks to
Speaker 2: see me.
Speaker 1: Otherwise I'm no longer interested.
Speaker 2: However, with wanting the two week mark as well as
Speaker 2: maybe send me flowers, can I ask you what is
Speaker 2: the difference between a woman showing up assertive and showing
Speaker 2: up aggressive and could a woman saying that this is
Speaker 2: what they need in order to for them feel like
Speaker 2: you're interested.
Speaker 1: Could that push them away? So how do you show
Speaker 1: up between the two?
Speaker 3: Well, there's a difference between It's all in communication style, okay, Right.
Speaker 3: There are some women that communicate in a masculine way
Speaker 3: and there are some women that communicate in a feminine way. Right,
Speaker 3: There's a difference between I need flowers, I need you
Speaker 3: to come and see me. I need you da da
Speaker 3: da da da, versus I would feel really connected, and
Speaker 3: I would really be happy if you came to see me.
Speaker 3: There's a way to communicate things from a feminine energetic
Speaker 3: perspective versus a masculine energetic perpect Masculine is thought, masculine
Speaker 3: is action doe. Feminine is centered around the feelings and being.
Speaker 3: And I will tell you this, a lot of women
Speaker 3: of color specifically are in their masculine energy for a
Speaker 3: variety of different reasons. What I know for sure, and
Speaker 3: the deeper reason behind that, is because there's actually a
Speaker 3: lack of feminine energetic love when they're being raised. So
Speaker 3: a lot of black mothers are very judgmental and highly critical,
Speaker 3: and so what happens, and also, I will just say
Speaker 3: this from a lot of fathers, they're also emotionally or
Speaker 3: physically absent. So what that teaches black girls growing up
Speaker 3: is that they can't rely on anyone. They don't have
Speaker 3: a safe space, so they have to be their own
Speaker 3: safe space. So what happens though, and how that translates
Speaker 3: into adulthood is that now you're in your masculine you
Speaker 3: have to take care of everything. But the problem with
Speaker 3: that is when you're in your masculine because relationships are
Speaker 3: about compliments. They're about the yin and the yang. So
Speaker 3: when you're in your masculine you will attract two kinds
Speaker 3: of men. One a man that is in his dominant
Speaker 3: feminine energy who's looking for a mother yeah. And two
Speaker 3: a man that is in his hyper or toxic masculine
Speaker 3: energy and he will want to forcibly submit you into
Speaker 3: your famlim. Those are the two kinds of men that
Speaker 3: will have So one of the things that I do
Speaker 3: in my program for my clients is I help them
Speaker 3: create a balance of both the masculine and feminine so
Speaker 3: that they can also meet people, meet men specifically that
Speaker 3: have also a balance as well. One of the things
Speaker 3: that has happened that maybe a lot of people aren't
Speaker 3: necessarily talking about is, you know, in the nineties, we
Speaker 3: had I don't know, seventy five percent of our households
Speaker 3: that were run by single mothers, and that has an
Speaker 3: effect on how we bond with each other. I want
Speaker 3: to specifically say, this affects the way that men also
Speaker 3: bond with women. So when you're talking about I need
Speaker 3: imn to do this, this, this, this, and be very particular,
Speaker 3: it's really a defense mechanism because they've been going through
Speaker 3: a lot of bullshit because a lot of these men
Speaker 3: have been thought to believe that they are the prize
Speaker 3: what we call enmeshment, which means that they are raised
Speaker 3: to be a bit entitled. A lot of these single
Speaker 3: mothers will actually treat these young men growing up as
Speaker 3: surrogate partners. They call them king, they call them all
Speaker 3: these other things, and so all of the attention, everything
Speaker 3: is for them, and so they are thought they believe
Speaker 3: that that is how you are supposed to be in
Speaker 3: relationship with women, right, And that's not necessarily the case.
Speaker 3: So when you tell me that there are a lot
Speaker 3: of women that are demanding, it is really because they've
Speaker 3: experienced a lot of men that are like that. Unfortunately,
Speaker 3: I'm not here to shit or shade on anybody. I'm
Speaker 3: here to share with you that a lot of things
Speaker 3: that maybe people aren't talking about in the context and
Speaker 3: the why behind it all.
Speaker 1: I am absolutely understanding how you've done this fifteen years.
Speaker 1: I think just the example of why we're so aggressive
Speaker 1: when asking for these things, I've even had to calm down.
Speaker 1: I think I don't know if you believe in astrology,
Speaker 1: but I think the only thing that's helped me is
Speaker 1: my Pisce's emotional attitude that I've been able to approach
Speaker 1: things with with all the pain from relationships. I definitely
Speaker 1: have a laundry list of things for myself that I
Speaker 1: know I need. I try not to necessarily pressure someone
Speaker 1: with them and I'm in a relationship right now, but
Speaker 1: I have found that I may find ways to sneak
Speaker 1: them in or even make mention at what I've done
Speaker 1: to other partners. Oh well, XYZ happened to me and
Speaker 1: they're no longer here. And I haven't really found a
Speaker 1: healthy way to talk about my boundaries without letting them know.
Speaker 1: This is a hard limit, and I'm curious when not
Speaker 1: in a relationship. But let's just say, because don't want
Speaker 1: to speak for myself in the dating weeds, you know
Speaker 1: you're starting to like someone, how do you let them
Speaker 1: know as a partner how they need to show up?
Speaker 1: Because what you just mentioned about that to me is
Speaker 1: preliminary and a really good example of it. How can
Speaker 1: we do that once we're in it, once we know
Speaker 1: someone's vibe.
Speaker 3: How do we So here's how I think about this.
Speaker 3: So we have this full courtship, right And I always
Speaker 3: tell I always say that I think women and men
Speaker 3: think about it differently. So I think men kind of
Speaker 3: go into it with like a zero mentality, meaning I
Speaker 3: don't even know her, I don't even like her yet, right,
Speaker 3: we have to figure out if I like her. Women
Speaker 3: oftentimes will start at one hundred, right and be like, Okay,
Speaker 3: if he messes up, I'm taking him down to ninety,
Speaker 3: and we wait until he gets to a certain point before.
Speaker 3: So I say all that to say, many women do
Speaker 3: exactly what you just said. I want to make sure
Speaker 3: that he stays at one hundred, which is my idealized
Speaker 3: version of who I want him to be, instead of
Speaker 3: letting him be who he is right, which is which
Speaker 3: means kind of I want women to actually start from
Speaker 3: zero and allow him to prove himself in a lot
Speaker 3: of different ways.
Speaker 1: Oh.
Speaker 3: I say all of that to say, I don't want
Speaker 3: you to tell him exactly what you want or what
Speaker 3: you need, not early in the courtship. I always think
Speaker 3: that the date three is a huge inflection point in
Speaker 3: the courtship. It shows a level of investment, and so
Speaker 3: from first conversation to date three, you're in observation mode.
Speaker 3: You just need to see what what his homeostasis is
Speaker 3: what his natural way of being is because you can
Speaker 3: give him, you can give him the answers to the
Speaker 3: test and he can he can, he can cram and
Speaker 3: copy them and perform for a good three weeks, three months.
Speaker 3: But is that his natural way of being? Excuse me?
Speaker 1: I feel like most of the days have sex around
Speaker 1: date three? Is that in relation to when you just
Speaker 1: said date three is an investment?
Speaker 3: Date three is an investment? Most women have sex on
Speaker 3: date three because there's a passive enact of pressure that
Speaker 3: happens on date three.
Speaker 1: Hmmm.
Speaker 3: That comes from film media, all of these other things,
Speaker 3: and pressure from the patriarchy. Right, That's just something that
Speaker 3: is expected of them. Many of them understand that, know that,
Speaker 3: and feel like they have to. That's why there's like
Speaker 3: a bit of a dip when it comes to after
Speaker 3: date three, because also men are expecting that as well.
Speaker 1: Now, interesting because it's what my werson just said, this
Speaker 1: thing about date three to me, We had sex on
Speaker 1: date three, right, And he said, I was like, what
Speaker 1: did we had sex on date four? He said, for
Speaker 1: some reason in my brain, and this is someone who
Speaker 1: can have sex with whoever he wants, right, Most men can't.
Speaker 1: He's like, in date three, if I'm not feeling an
Speaker 1: intense sexual energy, I start to think are we better
Speaker 1: as friends? And I actually don't know if that's pressure
Speaker 1: he's putting on someone or if it's where his brain
Speaker 1: thinks from the interest of the woman. So I agree
Speaker 1: with you. It is something that people are just used
Speaker 1: to happening, because to say that you're not sure if
Speaker 1: it doesn't get there, he's like, maybe she's into me.
Speaker 1: To be honest, I kind of get it too. Remember
Speaker 1: when I was dating that guy who wasn't having sex
Speaker 1: with me, and I was like, he must not be there.
Speaker 1: The guy from Dreamville. The same thought Date three happened
Speaker 1: date four, and I was like, oh, yeah, he wants
Speaker 1: to be my friend.
Speaker 2: I mean to me, it's interesting because for what I
Speaker 2: know dating to look like currently, it takes so long
Speaker 2: to get to date three because people are juggling and
Speaker 2: dating so many different people at once, And not only
Speaker 2: are they not actively going on dates, they're spending a
Speaker 2: lot of time texting, having phone conversations, facetiming, dming, sending memes.
Speaker 2: There's so many actual conversations happening before you meet a
Speaker 2: person in person. And then so to get to date three.
Speaker 2: Sometimes getting to date three can take a month or
Speaker 2: two with one person because you're actively dating other people.
Speaker 1: So I find that a little bit.
Speaker 2: Difficult or maybe not something that could be related to
Speaker 2: people that are actively dating multiple people.
Speaker 1: Or are you recommending that that women date one man
Speaker 1: at a time?
Speaker 3: No? Never, okay, good? Always date multiple. I call it
Speaker 3: Olympic dating. You need to have a gold medalist, a
Speaker 3: silver medalist, and a bronze medallist at all times.
Speaker 2: I think that's the difficulty though that I'm seeing as well.
Speaker 2: I think right now with social media and women being
Speaker 2: okay with this concept, it's almost like our attention spans
Speaker 2: the same way it's related to music and now TV shows.
Speaker 2: We're upset when the whole season isn't there available to
Speaker 2: us and we have to wait even a week for
Speaker 2: a new episode. Our attention spans are so short that
Speaker 2: we're constantly seeking Okay, if he's not all.
Speaker 1: The way on me, I just want someone else to be.
Speaker 2: And that's what I realize myself and my friends are
Speaker 2: navigating with dating right now, Like there's just so many
Speaker 2: that after two weeks, so I'm no longer interested in him,
Speaker 2: they're just falling by the.
Speaker 3: Wayside most of them. Well, okay, and that's that's why
Speaker 3: you date multiple men. Okay, and you keep dating multiple
Speaker 3: men most of them is exhausting.
Speaker 1: With the gold bronze that comment you just made. What
Speaker 1: have you seen ends up being? Who ends up being
Speaker 1: the engagement? You have one a month? You're seeing relationships happen?
Speaker 1: What have you noticed when you're because this is almost
Speaker 1: like therapy to me, like I'm paying for someone to
Speaker 1: really help me date, Like I'm telling you about these
Speaker 1: guys you're giving me the advice. Who have you seen?
Speaker 1: Is it the one that the girl the women are
Speaker 1: really wanting or is it the guy that they kind
Speaker 1: of forgot about?
Speaker 3: So that's a great question, and it really depends on
Speaker 3: the woman. But I would say half of the time
Speaker 3: it is the It is the guy that she's always
Speaker 3: thinking about. She's kind of first date been sprung, and
Speaker 3: half the time there's a grow to love, right. And
Speaker 3: I think there is a bigger point here, which is
Speaker 3: I think a lot of women have been conditioned and
Speaker 3: programmed to believe in the spark, right, that there has
Speaker 3: to be a spark. The butterflies are really anxiety.
Speaker 1: Would you say to me at a spark of car.
Speaker 3: Yeah, But so don't trust the butterflies, especially in our
Speaker 3: black bodies that hold a lot of trauma. Oftentimes we
Speaker 3: can't really trust what our bodies are telling us. So
Speaker 3: one of the things that I think is important I
Speaker 3: call it the slow burn, right that like, if by
Speaker 3: date two or three your attraction hasn't increased, you got
Speaker 3: to let it go, right, But don't be don't shade
Speaker 3: the guy that's currently a six, because he might be
Speaker 3: an eight or a nine to you two or three
Speaker 3: months from now. But what happens, and this, this is
Speaker 3: what I've learned as a dating coach, is many of
Speaker 3: us I'm speaking specifically for women of color, but men
Speaker 3: of color as well. I just work with women of color.
Speaker 3: Many of us, because of the way that we're raised,
Speaker 3: are emotionally stented. So what that means is we look
Speaker 3: for connection in other ways for not we don't prioritize
Speaker 3: emotional connection as much, so we will over prioritize intellectual
Speaker 3: connection and or physical connection. So one of the things
Speaker 3: that I really focus on in my clients is making
Speaker 3: sure that we are open enough to actually connect emotionally
Speaker 3: that means learning how to be vulnerable, sharing and communicating
Speaker 3: with feelings so that you can also see if the
Speaker 3: man has emotional capacity to do the same. That's where
Speaker 3: the deeper emotional connection can happen. Unfortunately, well not unfortunately,
Speaker 3: but what happens in reality is that women will have
Speaker 3: to initiate that for men to feel emotionally safe to
Speaker 3: do that. But if we don't have the skills to
Speaker 3: do that, then it's going to be hard to deeply connect.
Speaker 3: So to answer your question, sometimes it's first date I knew.
Speaker 3: Other times it had to grow a little bit, and
Speaker 3: that's okay too. I recently heard this advice. I want
Speaker 3: you to tell me what you think about this.
Speaker 1: I had a conversation with my partner about when we
Speaker 1: knew and he talks about a point that was too many.
Speaker 1: He's like, oh, I knew I was really in love
Speaker 1: with you at this month and that it was month
Speaker 1: three or four. He's like, that's when I knew I
Speaker 1: was feeling it, which we weren't in a relationship by then,
Speaker 1: but he was like, right at month three, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't want to let her go, Like I'm seeing
Speaker 1: this thing. I felt like one and a half months.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I can tell this, he'll be him.
Speaker 1: A friend of mine said, that's because men feel love
Speaker 1: and distance. And that third month, I was traveling a lot.
Speaker 1: We were on tour. So that's true. So men need
Speaker 1: the space. And she said that you felt super in
Speaker 1: love when that you spent more time with him. He
Speaker 1: didn't know until you were away. Would you recommend women
Speaker 1: to give say no sometimes to dates or give it
Speaker 1: that space when men are very eager.
Speaker 3: Not necessarily if they're feeling it right. So again, going
Speaker 3: back to some of the boundary conversation that we talked about,
Speaker 3: we want to have one to two dates a week, right.
Speaker 3: The thing that I think women need to understand is
Speaker 3: that they are they control the pace of the relationship
Speaker 3: and the emotional depth of the relationship through your boundaries, right,
Speaker 3: and through your vulnerability. And so one of the things
Speaker 3: that I think is important is to make sure that
Speaker 3: you are in control of the pace, right. One of
Speaker 3: the things that can happen is and this is what
Speaker 3: I also say for people who have these marathon first dates, right,
Speaker 3: that you really do want to make sure it's a
Speaker 3: couple of hours, if not more. If he wants to
Speaker 3: take you out again. Let him take you out again, right.
Speaker 3: But the reason why I say that is because there's
Speaker 3: this thing called exposure bias, which is, if something is
Speaker 3: in front of me a long time, I'm going to
Speaker 3: like it more. And so if you spend a lot
Speaker 3: of time with someone really fast, your brain will tell you,
Speaker 3: because you're in their presence, that you like them more.
Speaker 3: And when you like someone more, you will let them
Speaker 3: get away with more than.
Speaker 2: That's how the fuck I ended up in my last
Speaker 2: relationship at the pandemic. I literally just brought this up
Speaker 2: in therapy, Like me and Weezy were on our town
Speaker 2: hall last night with the patrons and we're writing a
Speaker 2: book and she started reading a few of my chapters
Speaker 2: and was surprised at how little my ex was in there.
Speaker 2: And I ended up bringing it up in therapy today.
Speaker 2: And it's crazy, because I've been having sex now for
Speaker 2: eighteen nineteen years of my life.
Speaker 1: He was three of them.
Speaker 2: But even in the way that I registered that relationship
Speaker 2: now is almost like it's a blip in the matrix,
Speaker 2: because I literally say, had we not been in a pandemic,
Speaker 2: I can't say I would have ended up with him
Speaker 2: because literally we met and we spent twenty days together.
Speaker 2: But it's because literally because there was nothing else to
Speaker 2: fucking do. Nothing was open. Even our first date, we
Speaker 2: went hiking. He could have killed me, probably should have
Speaker 2: known he was a sociopath then, but it was literally
Speaker 2: just because nothing was open. And so I literally, I
Speaker 2: think by day twenty five, was like, I love this person.
Speaker 2: And so now that I'm dating, a part of me
Speaker 2: is in fear that I maybe only even liked him
Speaker 2: because I had that time to spend because he was
Speaker 2: in front of me, because me and Weezy travel so much.
Speaker 1: Oh yes, you weren't doing boyfriend girlfriend stuff. I was
Speaker 1: cooking for him. Did you get?
Speaker 2: But that's what I'm saying, because of the blip and
Speaker 2: the matrix, bitch, the pandemic can't be cooking for a
Speaker 2: nigga because restaurants wasn't open, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: So it's so hard for me to date now and
Speaker 2: recognize what that relationship was because of when it happened.
Speaker 2: And so now when I'm trying to date, I'm just
Speaker 2: like shit out of sight, out of mind, and I
Speaker 2: feel like dating is that?
Speaker 1: So how does that work? When you were swiping in Barcelona,
Speaker 1: different places? How does that work when long distance dating?
Speaker 3: Yeah, so you were talking a little bit about that.
Speaker 3: You were like, oh, two weeks, they have to come
Speaker 3: out two weeks. Yes, what I say is depending on
Speaker 3: the location, because actually a lot of my clients get
Speaker 3: into medium distance relationships, like two to three hours away.
Speaker 1: Atlanta, New York medium distance. Well maybe you're thinking car,
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, car.
Speaker 3: Yeah, car, right, So like Atlanta to Chattanooga, Atlanta to Charles,
Speaker 3: did right or whatever?
Speaker 1: But flight too? Right?
Speaker 3: All right, go girl, do your thing. I always say
Speaker 3: for long distance, he has to come and see you
Speaker 3: in the first month, in the first month, in the
Speaker 3: first month, Okay, in the first month if he if
Speaker 3: he's in New York and he's a well to do
Speaker 3: somebody and you're in California, it might take a while. Yeah,
Speaker 3: he might need to get to know you for a
Speaker 3: couple of weeks before making the determination that he wants
Speaker 3: to invest. In that way, even if he's well to do,
Speaker 3: it's not about money, it's.
Speaker 1: About the effort of him coming to you.
Speaker 3: Well, well, no, it's I'm talking about from the man's perspective.
Speaker 3: He has to know, especially if someone is smart and successful.
Speaker 3: The thing that I think people need to understand, and
Speaker 3: people coffee dates a lot of shit, but wealthier individuals
Speaker 3: will actually go on more informal coffee dates because they
Speaker 3: want to know that the investment that they're about to
Speaker 3: put into someone is going to be worth it. So
Speaker 3: they're doing their due diligence and they get to do that, right.
Speaker 3: So this is more about is this person someone that
Speaker 3: I want to invest with or not? What's the ROI potentially.
Speaker 2: In a three hours because the Internet is completely against
Speaker 2: the coffee the lunch.
Speaker 1: That was actually my next question. Let's see bunks some stuff.
Speaker 3: But I think but when you say the Internet, I
Speaker 3: think a lot of black women specifically are against coffee dates.
Speaker 3: And the reason is because a lot of their experience
Speaker 3: have been low effort and have been with men that
Speaker 3: never had the means to actually be ready for a relationship.
Speaker 2: Or they don't live in New York where they got
Speaker 2: the Starbucks two story thing with cocktails.
Speaker 1: Y'all have been to that thing a Starbucks. Now, I
Speaker 1: always the coffee wasn't enough for me, right, So for me,
Speaker 1: it really wasn't the effort because to me, we go
Speaker 1: for a walk in the Park Museum. To me, that
Speaker 1: can be super low effort. You're not spending money right.
Speaker 1: The coffee thing, I for some reason always felt like
Speaker 1: there's people in and out, there's to go orders. It's
Speaker 1: not a date. Vibem girl to reserve, hit the reserve
Speaker 1: more than the money. To me, a little bit with.
Speaker 2: The coffee was maybe right after I drink this coffee,
Speaker 2: we got three minutes of talking and then I'm gonna
Speaker 2: have to shit, Like and now I got a shit
Speaker 2: on the first date.
Speaker 1: Like that's what coffee does to me, A literal thirty
Speaker 1: minute dates, just a quick interview. But that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But then I ain't gonna be able to drink more coffee.
Speaker 1: Let's spunk one more splitting checks? Oh yeah, not bro.
Speaker 1: The internet we'll fight about that. We wonder do white
Speaker 1: people fight about that, because I'll see it on white Twitter.
Speaker 1: But I know men paying for the first date and
Speaker 1: absolute for you.
Speaker 3: They have to pay for most of the dates, okay,
Speaker 3: if not all of them. I have my own strategy
Speaker 3: and I help my clients, like date by date out
Speaker 3: exactly what they need to do, what kinds of dates
Speaker 3: they need to be honest, things like that it is very,
Speaker 3: very important that a man pays for a date because
Speaker 3: what he is signaling is his potential to provide for you. Right,
Speaker 3: I think most of us are in agreement of that.
Speaker 3: What I think the backlash from men is is that
Speaker 3: they don't want to feel like they're being used.
Speaker 1: For taking advantage of some of course.
Speaker 3: But also the dynamics have changed. When you look at
Speaker 3: the statistics and you actually break it out, single black
Speaker 3: women make more than single black men. I'm just talking
Speaker 3: about this.
Speaker 1: Oh no, we know for the highest grade of entrepreneurs.
Speaker 3: If I'm making let's say sixty K and you're making
Speaker 3: ninety K, why do I have to take? Why do
Speaker 3: I have to take? The brunt of all of this
Speaker 3: is this is the mentality. And so that's why you're
Speaker 3: seeing so so much more fifty to fifty. We to
Speaker 3: burn having these conversations in the eighties and the nineties
Speaker 3: and even the early two thousands. Right, it has only
Speaker 3: been since you know, kind of black women have been
Speaker 3: killing the game most educated, right, amazing degrees, amazing jobs
Speaker 3: and things like that, where you're starting to get this conversation.
Speaker 1: And what way then can a woman to say, we've
Speaker 1: gone on to her three dates.
Speaker 2: I've heard men who after three dates she ain't even
Speaker 2: offered she ain't offered a refield, a huka tip, so
Speaker 2: that you know what I mean, Like, at what point
Speaker 2: can a woman show that she's interested without seeming to
Speaker 2: be masculine.
Speaker 1: Or seeming to emsculate the man feel.
Speaker 3: Like He's what I tell my clients. So, like I
Speaker 3: was telling you, four, date three is an inflection point. Okay,
Speaker 3: So one of the things that I think will be
Speaker 3: really important is don't offer to pay the check on
Speaker 3: date three. What you do is you bring a small
Speaker 3: gift to him on date three. Okay, that's twenty five
Speaker 3: twenty dollars or less thoughtful. Consider it something that he
Speaker 3: wouldn't get for himself, that is based on his hobbies,
Speaker 3: his passion. Let's say he loves the Yankees. We're going
Speaker 3: to get him a Yankee hat or some socks or
Speaker 3: a shirt or something like that.
Speaker 1: Oh it isn't cute, I like it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, understand this. When you do this, you're letting
Speaker 3: him know that you're not using him for he's not
Speaker 3: a bank to you, and that you've heard him and
Speaker 3: that you're thinking about him because he just wants to
Speaker 3: be considered. You also have to understand that men do
Speaker 3: not receive presents or gifts, and you can ask each
Speaker 3: and every one of them. They don't receive presents. They
Speaker 3: barely maybe even get a card from their mama. So
Speaker 3: when you give them a gift, what you will do
Speaker 3: is you will separate yourself from the other women out there,
Speaker 3: and he will start to think of you as someone
Speaker 3: who is a potential girlfriend or wife and not just
Speaker 3: someone that he's hanging out with.
Speaker 1: To be your protegect And I tell you, why not joking.
Speaker 1: The last person I dated, I got him a vinyl
Speaker 1: record on her fourth date. I don't know why, but
Speaker 1: I did it, and he brought it up so often
Speaker 1: and it felt like nothing to me.
Speaker 3: It really is nothing, but it's everything to him.
Speaker 1: He was just like he would tell his friends. He
Speaker 1: would tell people Warrior meeting, like, oh my god, she
Speaker 1: did this gesture like she heard me bring up lovers rock.
Speaker 1: That's my favorite type of music. I was like, but
Speaker 1: I did want him to know I cared about it,
Speaker 1: but I never thought about that, and I had started
Speaker 1: to tell girlfriends about that, and then of course the
Speaker 1: thing is, well, he didn't get me a gift yet,
Speaker 1: So why am I starting to give gifts for someone
Speaker 1: who didn't give me a gift? That went Homegirls?
Speaker 2: We got it, I think sometimes we got to watch
Speaker 2: a little bit of our Homegirls. So the guy that
Speaker 2: you know that we'll talk anyways, one of my dudes
Speaker 2: that I see. The very first time I met him,
Speaker 2: it was his birthday weekend, and I'm in the airport
Speaker 2: and I'm like, shit, I know it's his birthday. So
Speaker 2: I go and I get him two colognes, and my
Speaker 2: friend probably got on me so bad.
Speaker 1: We could mind you. He'd paid for my flight, paid
Speaker 1: for my room.
Speaker 2: I was having my own room, but I knew it
Speaker 2: was his birthday weekend, and so whether I would spend
Speaker 2: the whole weekend with him or not. I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: I should bring him something, And she got on me
Speaker 2: so hard because she was like, how you buying him
Speaker 2: something before he buy you something?
Speaker 1: What kind of president is that? Now he gonna expect
Speaker 1: So the fact that your friends even brought up to you,
Speaker 1: it felt so natural for me to do the same.
Speaker 1: But in the end, talking contrary, Mandy and I got
Speaker 1: into this conversation. I love to bring this up. We
Speaker 1: talked about that same guy I cooked for and we
Speaker 1: were doing an episode with my mother years ago and
Speaker 1: she's like, I can't believe you're cooking for him so early.
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. My mother was a housewife, so all
Speaker 1: of this stuff had already been in my brain. Just
Speaker 1: you know, shod make that one little meal, show him
Speaker 1: how you could be. If you know, we hear a
Speaker 1: lot about women cooking for men. What is your opinion
Speaker 1: on doing too much as a woman, because we are
Speaker 1: supposed to so that we would be a great potential
Speaker 1: wife or girlfriend. How you oh, thank you said as
Speaker 1: doing too much? And still but you did just make
Speaker 1: that coment when it came to the gift. Now, in
Speaker 1: their head, that's what they're thinking.
Speaker 3: That's what they're thinking. But that doesn't need to be
Speaker 3: your motivation. Okay, there's a difference. Right, So you're doing
Speaker 3: it because he has he has shown you, he has invested,
Speaker 3: he's paid for two dates. Right, So what you're showing
Speaker 3: is a level of reciprocation, respect, appreciation, and acknowledgment for
Speaker 3: how he's shown up for you so far. And also
Speaker 3: what you will see if you choose to do this
Speaker 3: people that are listening, is that he will pay for
Speaker 3: any date moving forward after that because he knows that
Speaker 3: you are someone that respects and honors that.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: I think this is important in terms of See, what
Speaker 3: you're talking about is auditioning for a man. We don't
Speaker 3: do that. That's performance. And a lot of women are
Speaker 3: conditioned and like you know, basically programmed to think that
Speaker 3: they have to audition and perform to be chosen. And
Speaker 3: what I'm here to do and for women to hear
Speaker 3: is that you actually get to be the chooser, and
Speaker 3: women need to stop waiting to be chosen, right, and
Speaker 3: you get to choose based on your boundaries. Right, you
Speaker 3: get to say no, that's not going to work for me. Right,
Speaker 3: And he has to kind of be in line with
Speaker 3: all of those or he's out.
Speaker 1: I have a serious question, not to be devil's advocation.
Speaker 1: Please please these men that are out here dating, let
Speaker 1: them be black, attractive with a good job. How can
Speaker 1: a woman not show efforts? I get the gift thing,
Speaker 1: but seriously, are we to think that there's not I
Speaker 1: just very rarely. I'm sure you can agree with this.
Speaker 1: When dating a decent guy, you look at a picture
Speaker 1: of their ex. They're not just beautiful about a great job.
Speaker 1: They're funny, they're smart, Like there's something about them. I've
Speaker 1: been fans of two girls my boyfriends. I never compared.
Speaker 1: I never I'm get the ex. Well, what is the
Speaker 1: reason I'm talking coming, Mandy. I'm talking about men having
Speaker 1: amazing options of women, especially in these metropolitan cities. I'm
Speaker 1: never saying, oh my god, she's got more xyz than me.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying these girls are amazing, Like, why should
Speaker 1: we be feeling like they're so lucky?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 1: Because that is really where and what you're saying I'm
Speaker 1: not disagreeing with, because I do agree that women hold
Speaker 1: a lot of power and choosing, but I also think
Speaker 1: men do too. A lot of these men are dating
Speaker 1: a bunch of amazing women, And how should there not
Speaker 1: be an audition because I'm kind of wanting them to
Speaker 1: do that for me? How are they just supposed to
Speaker 1: choose me off of great conversations from five days?
Speaker 3: I think that's a great question. So let's take a
Speaker 3: step back, because I think this this is really important,
Speaker 3: especially for Black women specifically. So just off the cuff,
Speaker 3: for every for every hundred Black women, there are eighty
Speaker 3: eight black men. So there are literally not enough of
Speaker 3: them to go around. And when you also focus in
Speaker 3: on the fact that they are interracially Black men are
Speaker 3: interracially dating three times the rate that black women are,
Speaker 3: there are really not enough to go around, especially in
Speaker 3: these metropolitan cities. There are probably twenty to twenty five
Speaker 3: percent more Black women than black men in DC, Houston,
Speaker 3: and all of these places. But this is the reason
Speaker 3: I'm giving you these numbers is so that you understand
Speaker 3: the dynamic. Similar to college, right, They're actually more women
Speaker 3: going to college than men. And so what happens is
Speaker 3: these men have six to eight women that are chasing
Speaker 3: after them the will to do that have a lot
Speaker 3: going on, and they get to choose. And so one
Speaker 3: of the reasons why maybe I get a lot of
Speaker 3: views or controversy is I think that a lot of
Speaker 3: black women should date outside of their race. Oh we'll
Speaker 3: date everybody.
Speaker 1: That That's a lot of the content I've seen. Most
Speaker 1: of the time, I see people celebrate you, but when
Speaker 1: I see me and comments about you, it's those videos, right,
Speaker 1: which to be honest.
Speaker 3: They hate, they hate, they hate that I say it,
Speaker 3: and that's yeah, I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 2: I personally now I know me and her recently on
Speaker 2: an episode went back and forth about it, like when
Speaker 2: I was talking about just mentally getting over the trauma
Speaker 2: of not really feeling safe with black men but still
Speaker 2: wanting to only be with and only being physically and
Speaker 2: sexually attracted to them. I have zero desire to date
Speaker 2: outside of black men. So when that seems to be
Speaker 2: normally the answer that people give me in terms of
Speaker 2: my journey through dating and finding love, it's a little frustrating,
Speaker 2: Like personally and ironically it's coming from an interracial person,
Speaker 2: but interracial biracial. I'm like, oh wait, I'm off here
Speaker 2: a little bit. But yes, so I do want to
Speaker 2: hear a little bit more of this than to me.
Speaker 2: I understand the statistics and the odds. Again, I'm about
Speaker 2: to be moving to Atlanta, my friends live there. I
Speaker 2: get it fucking hard, But why is that the answer?
Speaker 3: Because there's power and choice, okay, and you don't have
Speaker 3: much of a choice. When you only hyper focus on
Speaker 3: black men, you lose your powers. So I did a
Speaker 3: lot of videos about the statistics of this, right, and
Speaker 3: if you just if you just focus on black men,
Speaker 3: you're really only looking at one and this is for
Speaker 3: relationship ready well to do. Right, You're looking at two
Speaker 3: percent of the population about to say two people thought.
Speaker 1: That's what it feels like. I thought it was a joke.
Speaker 3: But think about this, right, two percent of men out
Speaker 3: there that are relationship ready, that are ready to provide,
Speaker 3: that are not gay, that are not in jail, that
Speaker 3: all of this right, the emotional intelligence. What I'm telling,
Speaker 3: what I'm telling women is that when you and I'm
Speaker 3: not just saying white dudes, everybody, that you seven x
Speaker 3: your chances of being able to find your person because
Speaker 3: of the population that you are shopping in. Yeah, I'm here.
Speaker 3: I'm here to share that oftentimes what will happen is
Speaker 3: I'm focused on Black women finding love and having the
Speaker 3: best person be with them. Right. I don't really care
Speaker 3: what package it's in. Ultimately a lot of black women do.
Speaker 3: But I do think it's important to understand that there's
Speaker 3: a passive and there's an active pressure to do so
Speaker 3: in the community. Of course, So I think it's important
Speaker 3: to understand that some of this is manipulation. Some of
Speaker 3: this is you can't do better. One. I hear a
Speaker 3: lot you can't do better than us. Nobody wants you.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: There's a lot of commentary, well, what about the black race?
Speaker 3: You have to you're in charge of keeping the black
Speaker 3: race like going right. There's a lot of commentary that
Speaker 3: is pressurized so that black women feel like they have
Speaker 3: to do this, whether it's conscious or subconscious. And I
Speaker 3: think it's very important to understand that if we were
Speaker 3: all born in China, y'all would be into Chinese men, right,
Speaker 3: So understand this right that this is also an exposure thing.
Speaker 3: And I want to be really clear when I say this,
Speaker 3: but sensitive. This is also this is also a trauma
Speaker 3: response for a lot of our are unff failed relationships
Speaker 3: with our fathers.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you, even even though I'm the woman
Speaker 1: with the black mother, I got the black dad, but
Speaker 1: I don't want ironically, I don't want anyone like my father.
Speaker 2: So for me only wanting a black man, I find
Speaker 2: that difficult. However, I will say in terms of my
Speaker 2: experience with others, only hearing you talk makes sense. So
Speaker 2: my mom when she felt like she was done with
Speaker 2: black men because of just the failed relationships and she's
Speaker 2: a white woman, when she tried to step out the
Speaker 2: information that was brought back from her being on these
Speaker 2: dates was how she was hurt that none of them
Speaker 2: wanted to come back and meet her three black daughters.
Speaker 2: So to me, knowing that my mom is a white woman,
Speaker 2: no other race ever wanted to like be with a
Speaker 2: white woman with three black girls. I just never felt
Speaker 2: like any of them races wanted me, period. And then
Speaker 2: I also went to all black schools, so that was
Speaker 2: my environment. That's what I grew up around, you know,
Speaker 2: But I guess that's how I felt it. On the
Speaker 2: other end, not really my dad, but but maybe my
Speaker 2: mom's experience.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I again, if sometimes and it works both ways,
Speaker 3: if you have a great relationship with your dad, you
Speaker 3: want to kind of reinvent that. Right when you don't
Speaker 3: have a great relationship with your dad, you want to
Speaker 3: rewrite history so that you still feel like the void
Speaker 3: that you have with then is filled with your new
Speaker 3: black partner.
Speaker 1: Does this connect with men with their mothers, because I
Speaker 1: want my dad and I have a great relationship. And
Speaker 1: there's one particular thing that my boyfriend just met him
Speaker 1: for the first time, and I said so much, how
Speaker 1: my dad's very affectionate and kissy and cuddly with me,
Speaker 1: and literally when we were in the car home, he's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I get it, Like your dad is very protecting one
Speaker 1: of my dad's in a wheelchair. But still it's like
Speaker 1: making sure I'm doing this and that and making sure
Speaker 1: I'm okay and seeing where I'm walking. And he's like,
Speaker 1: I get why you think you need a man like this,
Speaker 1: because this is what you want. You watch your mom
Speaker 1: have this healthy relationships. You don't even see a guy
Speaker 1: another way. On the contrary, when it comes to men
Speaker 1: and their mothers, I've experienced, I'm very much a host,
Speaker 1: let me take care of your person, even with girlfriends,
Speaker 1: and almost every man I've dated except for this one,
Speaker 1: has a weird relationship with their mom. So I'm attracting
Speaker 1: the guy who can't get off the tea basically because
Speaker 1: I'm that.
Speaker 3: Girl that they're replacing you.
Speaker 1: They want their mom to be.
Speaker 3: But that's what I'm saying, right, that's their core relationship.
Speaker 3: So that is how many times they are going to
Speaker 3: relate to women. So if their mother was overbearing and abusive,
Speaker 3: they're going to probably be abusive toward women. They're not
Speaker 3: going to like women, and they're going to try to
Speaker 3: feel like they have control over women because they never
Speaker 3: felt like they had control with their relationship with their mother.
Speaker 1: When it also like, it's just making me think now
Speaker 1: when it comes to dating and needing to express trauma,
Speaker 1: whether it be a relationship with your parents that are
Speaker 1: strained or whatever it might be, do you think these
Speaker 1: things need to be spoken about before that two month mark, because,
Speaker 1: to Wolfe's point, years insane. But I never really think
Speaker 1: about a relationship in two to three months because a
Speaker 1: lot of those deep, dark secrets don't come out for
Speaker 1: me for a while. So can you tell me a
Speaker 1: little bit about what should be solved before the commitment.
Speaker 3: That's a great question, and I think it really speaks
Speaker 3: to the fact that a lot of people are getting
Speaker 3: into exclusive or committed relationships thinking like they have to
Speaker 3: evaluate these people for marriage, and that's not necessarily the case.
Speaker 3: While you're in a you need to be in a relationship,
Speaker 3: my opinion, you need to be in a relationship with
Speaker 3: someone to see how they show up within an actual relationship.
Speaker 3: Meaning I have emotional responsibility for you, and you have
Speaker 3: emotional responsibility for me. And I'm going to start to
Speaker 3: share with you more about myself right to think that
Speaker 3: you are going to know someone within two to three months.
Speaker 3: I always say you probably know two to three percent
Speaker 3: of somebody every week one. You're getting to know them,
Speaker 3: So just thinking like maybe you know a third of
Speaker 3: them well before you get into an actual committed relationship
Speaker 3: with them. The rest of the relationship is continuing to
Speaker 3: get to know them and know them to maybe the
Speaker 3: eighty percent mark, seventy eighty percent mark.
Speaker 1: So you don't think it's bad then, and I right
Speaker 1: now I can think of as the herent partner. He
Speaker 1: takes a lot of pride in not having many girlfriends
Speaker 1: because he takes dating more serious. However, on the contrary,
Speaker 1: if you're in relationships for two to three months as
Speaker 1: a woman, he's like, you've had so many boyfriends, I
Speaker 1: can't even keep up. But I was that girl too, like, oh,
Speaker 1: if we're not you know exclusive amount. So do you
Speaker 1: think it may be wrong for people that are jumping
Speaker 1: into quickly.
Speaker 3: Well, I think everyone gets to date however. They want
Speaker 3: to whatever feels good for them, right, and I would
Speaker 3: never want to deny someone if they feel like they're ready,
Speaker 3: even like my clients sometimes they feel like I'm ready
Speaker 3: and it's been two months, right, I might think that's
Speaker 3: wait another month or so, But if they're ready, My
Speaker 3: job is to help my clients honor how they feel,
Speaker 3: what their intuition is telling them, because I feel like
Speaker 3: an intuition really will not stray you, right, and I
Speaker 3: want to make sure that women do trust that because
Speaker 3: it's very important in the dating process. So, if you're
Speaker 3: telling me that you are ready, who am I to
Speaker 3: say that you're not?
Speaker 1: Can I? Can? I ask you then a question, especially
Speaker 1: with this being a horrible decision, setting a note on
Speaker 1: my phone, especially especially talking about intuition, What if I
Speaker 1: have the intuition to suck your dick on the first night,
Speaker 1: What do you tell your clients who maybe introduce sex
Speaker 1: early on with somebody? That was my question, they continue
Speaker 1: to have sex and then feelings evolved, or like, how
Speaker 1: do you make sure that you're not cut off or
Speaker 1: just seen as the fun girl or just the sex
Speaker 1: partner if you actually do want more.
Speaker 3: But I don't want to call it a mistake, but
Speaker 3: you you has into a category.
Speaker 1: It's Steve Harvey's right, but you will be moved into
Speaker 1: that category.
Speaker 3: You will be moved into that category.
Speaker 1: First night.
Speaker 3: I spoke. I spoke about this in a video, and
Speaker 3: I think that men often put you in categories very early.
Speaker 3: Whether you are kind of the desperate girl, whether you
Speaker 3: are the good time girl, He'll put you in a
Speaker 3: good time girl, whether you're the good enough girl, whether
Speaker 3: you are the dream girl, whether you are the out
Speaker 3: of his lead girl.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: That was a video that I did a while ago,
Speaker 3: and I got that concept from a profile called Feminine Universe. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and it it is one hundred percent correct. Now I'm
Speaker 3: someone women, y'all do whatever you want to do as
Speaker 3: your body, right. I know for sure though that it
Speaker 3: probably will not help you in the courtship. A couple
Speaker 3: of things happen one when no, let's just say sex
Speaker 3: in general, right, I know that women get chemically bonded
Speaker 3: to men when they have sex with them. Most women,
Speaker 3: some women can hit it and quit it and not
Speaker 3: think twice. You will be And we all know that girl. Yeah,
Speaker 3: that girl right here who is he? You know, who
Speaker 3: has had sex with the guy. Everyone around her knows
Speaker 3: that that guy's not worth shit, but she literally is
Speaker 3: addicted to him because she is chemically bonded to him
Speaker 3: based on the orgasm that she had. These are all
Speaker 3: chemicals and hormones that are happening that are affecting the
Speaker 3: way that you're reasoning. On the flip side, what happens
Speaker 3: when a guy has is especially early on and the
Speaker 3: emotional connection hasn't really happened, is he has a bonding
Speaker 3: hormone called vasopressin, and his vasopressin will decrease after he
Speaker 3: has sex, so it will make him want to This.
Speaker 1: Is science science. Sciency was not clarity. Now I want
Speaker 1: to ask you, guys, because from I have so many
Speaker 1: male friends, what you just said completely agree. One of
Speaker 1: my male friends is in his mid forties, dating divorced.
Speaker 1: I really think he just said to me those words,
Speaker 1: I met my dream girl. I don't know if, like
Speaker 1: I'm ready for her, that's what he said. I don't
Speaker 1: know if I'm ready for her. But like my dream
Speaker 1: girl sent me a photo, told me your job, and
Speaker 1: he told me about a fun girl. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, what you're saying is so true. The
Speaker 1: list in his roster is literally broken up into that.
Speaker 1: He even said one day he had too many fun
Speaker 1: girls on the roster. He's like, now it's time for
Speaker 1: usmart one and we're laughing about it. He's single doors right,
Speaker 1: like you're in your face, But like, would y'all agree
Speaker 1: you have those we keep Really, I don't think this
Speaker 1: group of guys is like that. I disagree. I don't
Speaker 1: think this group of guys I talked three out of
Speaker 1: four about I've heard them say mainly, I mean Wolf
Speaker 1: was in a relationship. There is in a relationship, and
Speaker 1: so we've talked so much about that. But yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean I think y'all have even said stuff like this.
Speaker 1: I mean, especially you, Dave. But it's fine three am
Speaker 1: Drug Talks.
Speaker 3: Show and you probably about like a gonna answer me.
Speaker 1: These guys are I'm going to save the room, And
Speaker 1: she's like, actually, no, don't say them. They don't want
Speaker 1: to be saved. That's crazy pie theory. I really loved
Speaker 1: what you said. I think that would help women so much.
Speaker 1: Just hearing about how to date? Can you tell us
Speaker 1: a little bit about how you came up with that
Speaker 1: and if you've if you've learned that throughout the fifteen years,
Speaker 1: if you always kind of started with that.
Speaker 3: No, No, it's something that continues to evolve and develop
Speaker 3: with time. Right, So PI really stands for a physical
Speaker 3: intellectual and emotional connection. Right, And I always tell my
Speaker 3: clients and for you all out there as well, you
Speaker 3: want to after every date, after every month, you want
Speaker 3: to be evaluating how the date was and how he
Speaker 3: is physical, intellectual, emotional, and take the average of that.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: So, let's say he's a seven physical, but like a
Speaker 3: ten intellectual and emotional. I want to let you know
Speaker 3: that's the tea code that you want.
Speaker 1: But I actually go like a ten seven seven seven.
Speaker 3: But that's what I was saying before, right, that we
Speaker 3: many of us, will hyper focus on the physical because
Speaker 3: our emotional we get to develop it. We need to
Speaker 3: develop it a little bit more so because I know
Speaker 3: that if he starts out at a seven, he might
Speaker 3: grow to a nine with time. Right. So, but I
Speaker 3: also want women to also take into consideration the financial Okay, right,
Speaker 3: hi is its own thing. But he might have it all.
Speaker 3: He might be hot, he might be smart, he might
Speaker 3: have emotional capacity, but he might be poor.
Speaker 1: How can you ruin your life? Okay? I mean I
Speaker 1: think that that's what you have to consider. Now.
Speaker 3: You you might, you must like you must, it will.
Speaker 3: But the other thing is he's gonna bring me one
Speaker 3: with two especially if you are dating and you are
Speaker 3: a smart and successful woman, you need to find someone
Speaker 3: that makes at at least eighty percent of what you make.
Speaker 1: Okay, I like that math.
Speaker 3: Why do I say that a man who made significantly
Speaker 3: less than you do will always feel emasculated, will always
Speaker 3: feel inadequate. And what that means is that he will
Speaker 3: try to humble you, and he will try to bring
Speaker 3: you down was this level so that he feels better
Speaker 3: about himself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I did not see that really with my ex
Speaker 1: until the growth, So I hadn't really expect to meet
Speaker 1: someone that was making eighty percent of what I made,
Speaker 1: But I realized through growing there were a lot of
Speaker 1: little comments. He wasn't an abusive guy or really even
Speaker 1: a mean guy, but just this little stuff for his
Speaker 1: own ego where he would start to say, oh, you
Speaker 1: see how now you're doing your photo shoot with essence?
Speaker 1: I remember that day who puts you on to wear
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, And I'm like, who cares? Literally
Speaker 1: just say all look good? But I agree, there's these
Speaker 1: little things they'll try to pick out to make you
Speaker 1: feel smaller. And I do see some differences with financial
Speaker 1: status in today's culture. I'm curious a lot of women
Speaker 1: or meeting men because it's so easy to access a celebrity,
Speaker 1: a podcaster, an athlete. What has been your advice when
Speaker 1: women are dating famous men, Because I haven't seen that
Speaker 1: my friends have been successful at all with it.
Speaker 3: Don't simple don't.
Speaker 1: Or let them be yours or toys.
Speaker 3: Even that can be really tricky, okay, because you will
Speaker 3: get enamored with the lifestyle and then you will want
Speaker 3: to really truly be a part of it. Okay, I
Speaker 3: say don't be for a number of reasons. So let's
Speaker 3: just say athlete right all day every day. This person
Speaker 3: is the center of attention, so by being in a
Speaker 3: relationship with him, you will you will always be a
Speaker 3: second class citizen in your own relationship, okay, which doesn't
Speaker 3: feel good for anybody. Secondly, you also have to understand
Speaker 3: that the the reason why this person got to where
Speaker 3: he is, I'll just put it for him, is that
Speaker 3: he has always strived for better, better, better. He's always
Speaker 3: wanting to improve, and he will often want you to
Speaker 3: do the same thing and not accept you for who
Speaker 3: you are, to want you better. And if he doesn't
Speaker 3: want if you don't become better, he will cheat on you.
Speaker 1: Why did we just have a conversation we did. One
Speaker 1: of my friends, he's making past one hundred million dollars,
Speaker 1: started dating a girl that worked at TJ mex obsessed
Speaker 1: with her. Thought she was so smart, she was in
Speaker 1: a managerial role, she is gorgeous. But he's like, I'm happy,
Speaker 1: I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy. A few months ago,
Speaker 1: someone asked for a follow up about this and asked
Speaker 1: him what happened with her. He said, she broke up
Speaker 1: with me. I'm like, why, he's like. She said that
Speaker 1: she always felt for me, like she wasn't good enough,
Speaker 1: but I never made her feel that way. He said, really,
Speaker 1: are you sure? And he said, I mean there were
Speaker 1: moments where I'd say things to her like you could
Speaker 1: be doing X, y Z, I'll pay for you, and so, yeah,
Speaker 1: she just wasn't interested. She likes working in retail. She
Speaker 1: came from the bottom up. He said. He kept trying
Speaker 1: to push her. And he said, but how was I
Speaker 1: the person that's wrong when I'm just being supportive and
Speaker 1: I completely agree with you. How could he not date
Speaker 1: someone else who's another TV exec or whatever indition? She'll
Speaker 1: never maybe be one hundred millionaire. But yeah, I can
Speaker 1: see that you may never be good enough.
Speaker 3: Yeah. The last point I will make, which I mean
Speaker 3: some girls will like this, some girls won't, is that
Speaker 3: for those sorts of individuals, you will need to be
Speaker 3: more open sexually because they may be into kinkyears yam,
Speaker 3: yeah and is and you can't you know. I love
Speaker 3: McDonald's fries and if I had it three times a
Speaker 3: day for an entire month, at some point point I
Speaker 3: would need onion onion rings.
Speaker 1: So what so.
Speaker 3: What does that mean? That means like I might get
Speaker 3: into men, I might get into a variety of different things, right, Yeah,
Speaker 3: So I think it's important, like if you're going to
Speaker 3: do that, be ready for that.
Speaker 1: But also be a match for that. And girls that
Speaker 1: have always talked about sexual freedom expression, we're bisexual, and
Speaker 1: I meet so many women that are getting into relationships
Speaker 1: with men that are having a threesome because the man wants.
Speaker 1: You know, if you don't want to taste it, I
Speaker 1: don't think you should be jumping in there. But again,
Speaker 1: I think finding someone who's with the matching lifestyle is
Speaker 1: more fitted just one quick one any revise advice you've
Speaker 1: given that you regret, Maybe that whereas the times have
Speaker 1: changed in fifteen years of dating. Even if you gave
Speaker 1: advice we being fifty to fifty, find it anything. Has
Speaker 1: there been something that you're like.
Speaker 3: Nah, that's a good question. I think it's more specific,
Speaker 3: like it's really sometimes it's really tricky to be a
Speaker 3: dating coach for grown ass people, right, and so earlier
Speaker 3: on in my career if my client said I'm doing this,
Speaker 3: Da da da da da, go girl, do it, do it.
Speaker 3: But what I've learned as I've continued to coach is
Speaker 3: that sometimes you sometimes pushing back does help and saying actually,
Speaker 3: I know, I don't think this is a good idea,
Speaker 3: and I'm going to tell you why to help to
Speaker 3: protect them from doing things or engaging with people that
Speaker 3: really aren't for them. So I think it's it's not
Speaker 3: necessarily a specific piece of advice. I think me not
Speaker 3: saying something when I should have is like the thing
Speaker 3: that I would regret, like, oh, you're going to do this.
Speaker 3: You know you're going to be in his car and
Speaker 3: date one or go to his house on date two. Okay, Now,
Speaker 3: as a coach, I'm firm with that's not really kind
Speaker 3: of the perspective of my program, like, I would not
Speaker 3: suggest this, and I'm going to tell you the seventeen
Speaker 3: reasons why. Right. They get to still do it if
Speaker 3: they want to, but at least my conscious is clear
Speaker 3: and I know that I've done everything that I can
Speaker 3: to keep my clients as safe as possible.
Speaker 1: I want to sponsor a program for someone of our
Speaker 1: listeners that really feel like they need it and may
Speaker 1: not be able to afford it. But I'm also like,
Speaker 1: I want you to do it. I don't know if
Speaker 1: we could talk numbers, but please let them know.
Speaker 3: It's in the four figures for sure.
Speaker 1: It's in the fourth figure. Yeah, okay, I'll do study
Speaker 1: for seed. Can we do a payment plan? Like?
Speaker 3: Yeah, we have tons of payment plans available.
Speaker 1: And so your program is it's targeted just for them?
Speaker 1: And how long is it? Yeah?
Speaker 3: So I work specifically with black and brown women, and
Speaker 3: it's anywhere from six to twelve months. Most of my
Speaker 3: clients will get their guide between let's say months six
Speaker 3: and nine. But if you're in Atlanta, Texas, Florida, California
Speaker 3: is probably going to take you twelve to fifteen months.
Speaker 1: Wow, that's a really honest answer, and that is worth
Speaker 1: four figures if it's six months to a year. Okay,
Speaker 1: Now I'm for real. I want a lot of our
Speaker 1: where hid when we do this. Next downhol Seriously tell
Speaker 1: me if you're considering this, I really believe in what
Speaker 1: you're saying. I feel like most pieces of advice I
Speaker 1: hear maybe don't relate. But a lot of the things
Speaker 1: you've said have either worked for me or I've heard elsewhere.
Speaker 1: So I really believe in this, specifically for black women
Speaker 1: that are listening and that I know we've had so
Speaker 1: much trouble dating. This show is what USA at eight
Speaker 1: years at eight a A it's seven seven and change
Speaker 1: almost eight. We wouldn't have content if they weren't bad.
Speaker 1: If we had you on episode three instead of four hundred,
Speaker 1: we may have not about a show. So please samples off.
Speaker 1: We in at four hundred yet, but keep going. Please
Speaker 1: tell people where to find you and how they can
Speaker 1: connect best with you. Yeah.
Speaker 3: So on socials, I am dating coach anwar A and
Speaker 3: w A R. You can go to my website get
Speaker 3: your Guy Coaching dot com if you are interested in
Speaker 3: learning a little bit more about what I do, or
Speaker 3: you can book a call on the website if you
Speaker 3: want to figure out a little bit more about my programs.
Speaker 2: By the way, if you are listening to us on
Speaker 2: Apple or the iHeartRadio app or tuning in watching us
Speaker 2: on YouTube, all of that information will be in the
Speaker 2: description of this week's episode, so make sure you go
Speaker 2: ahead and click those links. Also, make sure you subscribe Hello,
Speaker 2: leave a comment, rate review all the things help us
Speaker 2: climb the charts, and if you want more bonus content,
Speaker 2: Weezy mentioned the town Hall. Make sure you join us
Speaker 2: on Patreon. Once a month we record an episode with
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Speaker 1: I'm literally just thinking it up. Pricing this is just sorabdd.
Speaker 1: My homegirl just paid twelve thousand. She's in her forty
Speaker 1: she lives in Atlanta. Maybe it's millionaire matchmaker, not just matchmaker.
Speaker 1: I think she's like finding someone that's just like really
Speaker 1: targeted and serious and just for you to say it's
Speaker 1: four figures. I'm like, I do think that is probably nine.
Speaker 3: By the way, can I just say something, if you're
Speaker 3: a black woman, do not get a matchmaker. They will,
Speaker 3: they will, don't ever get a matchmaker.
Speaker 1: Now we gotta do a part too, dating coach versus matchmaker. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: there's something she she hired a matchmaker, not a coach. Yep, understood.
Speaker 3: Well I know she did, he said, I know.
Speaker 1: And that's why your friends saying that's what. Thank y'all.
Speaker 2: This has been yet another episode of poor decisions. So
Speaker 2: I guess before I started, I I wanted to give
Speaker 2: like my own voicemail to you guys, because I would
Speaker 2: love to know your thoughts.
Speaker 1: I'm recording with Weezy in a little bit, but I'm like.
Speaker 2: I don't have my thoughts all together just yet on
Speaker 2: how to express this, and so I just kind of
Speaker 2: wanted y'all to drop your comments on maybe where I'm at.
Speaker 2: So I had therapy yesterday and I'm in this weird
Speaker 2: place on battling if.
Speaker 1: I'm a good person or not.
Speaker 2: And it's because of my current thoughts in how I
Speaker 2: want to show up romantically, how I want to show
Speaker 2: up for people, like right now I hate people, which
Speaker 2: is crazy because I'm a very social person, but I
Speaker 2: have recently just feel like I felt like my my
Speaker 2: social battery is completely drained and where normally it recharges, bitch,
Speaker 2: it's not. It's it's not recharging how I'm used to Romantically.
Speaker 2: I'm in this kerfuffle, right, y'all have heard by now
Speaker 2: that I went on a date with a couple, and
Speaker 2: I'm trying to figure out even if my need to
Speaker 2: want to be Polly is so that I could only
Speaker 2: give but so much to somebody. I'm battling with the
Speaker 2: idea that a relationship you have to give someone your all,
Speaker 2: and baby, I don't have it. And I don't want
Speaker 2: to show up the bare minimum in relationships because I
Speaker 2: know I put so much effort into my friendships and
Speaker 2: into my work, but romantically and in terms of even
Speaker 2: making new platonic relationships. Your girling got it. And I
Speaker 2: don't know if it's because I feel like I've received
Speaker 2: the bare minimum when I gave my all. Also, just
Speaker 2: like and y'all know, I no longer have that other
Speaker 2: podcast that relationship. I feel like I am what's the word,
Speaker 2: I'm not mourning it because I don't miss it. I'm
Speaker 2: not grieving it, but it's one of those where it's like, bitch, like,
Speaker 2: for all that I've done, this is where I end.
Speaker 2: And to know that that's like the same feeling I
Speaker 2: had with my last relationship and my ex. I am
Speaker 2: really just like I fucking hate people, And so when
Speaker 2: I'm questioning if I'm a good person or not, I'm
Speaker 2: just like, is it okay that I only want to
Speaker 2: show up and give the bare minimum right now?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Am I allowed to be this selfish and it be okay?
Speaker 2: Like am I able to say I really want to
Speaker 2: see you tomorrow and then maybe I don't want to
Speaker 2: text or talk to you for two days?
Speaker 1: And is that okay? And is that acceptable?
Speaker 2: Like because I accept it, Like I don't need someone
Speaker 2: to hit me all day every day. I think you
Speaker 2: guys heard me and Weezy go back and forth on
Speaker 2: that too, Like I think that's why a relationship right
Speaker 2: now just sounds like everything I would hate.
Speaker 1: But is that me just wanting to show up as
Speaker 1: a shitty person? I don't know.
Speaker 2: So if you guys, if you understan what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: write it in the comments.
Speaker 1: Is being selfish? Does that make you a bad person.
Speaker 2: Does wanting to show up in a way that only
Speaker 2: serves you bad am? I like, drop your I hope
Speaker 2: any of you guys are even you know, I actually
Speaker 2: don't hope any of you guys are on the same
Speaker 2: plane as me right now, because it sucks, like because
Speaker 2: I love giving. I love being a giver. Y'all know
Speaker 2: that I'm a pleaser and baby right now, I just
Speaker 2: I don't know. And it's been it's been since it's
Speaker 2: been this year. I think touring with Tonight's conversations and
Speaker 2: being around all those rooms and all those personalities for
Speaker 2: about five months, touring the breakup of see the thing
Speaker 2: is a weezy and ized relationship demands a lot in
Speaker 2: order to just communicate effectively, finally getting over my ex
Speaker 2: but running into him and reliving all of those feelings,
Speaker 2: and then just business wise, like people just being shitty,
Speaker 2: the Internet being really shitty, and I think a part
Speaker 2: of I know y'all will say, bitch, stop reading the comments,
Speaker 2: bitch shop reading the comments. It's a lot harder than
Speaker 2: you guys think, and so I think it's difficult where
Speaker 2: I'm questioning how I show up while the Internet is
Speaker 2: also telling me I'm undeserving of love. I'm undeserving of
Speaker 2: you know, Aman, I would never put a ring on
Speaker 2: my finger anyway, So bitch what you're talking about? So
Speaker 2: you just called a segment from our bonus content.
Speaker 1: Over on Patreon. We have so much more bonus content,
Speaker 1: BTS live episodes, hundreds of hours. How are you not subscribed?
Speaker 1: Go right now Patreon dot com backslash Rebel Decisions